|
|
|
I got news this morning my Grandfather passed away. It was not unexpected.
Although that does not necessarily make it any easier.
I am quite thankful I got to spend some time with him last week. In
my own way I got to say goodbye.
And I think he did the same.
He was able to control his own destiny. He died much the way he wanted
to.
We all could be so lucky.
So tonight I'll put a few back in his memory. It just seems like the
thing to do.
| |
From: A Bomb
Subject: no subject
"The free market is not a panacea. It does not eliminate old age,
and it won't guarantee you a date for Saturday night. Private enterprise
is fully capable of awful screw-ups. But both theory and practice
indicate that its screw-ups are less pervasive and more easily corrected
than those of government enterprises, including regulatory ones."
-- Paul Krugman |
Of course, I already read Krugman.
Maybe you should as well?
| |
From: Corey the Courier
Subject: No Smoking in Philly
philly.com/mld/dailynews/2005/08/26/news/local/12480589.htm
Now instead of "how is the weather outside?" in elevators while
at work, we will get asked if we can score dope....
Corey the Courier
Philly Phorever
PS Yes, it has already started. |
If you get hung up on the registration page, turn to bugmenot.com.
It works for me.
So, it sounds like a good time for you courier folk. Maybe pick up
a little extra bread on the site selling clueless yuppies dime bags
of catnip and oregano.
I've heard they go ape for shit like that.
It's a link dump type thing.
fixedgeargallery.com/beijingbikes
53x11.com/rouleur
service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,344374,00.html
usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-05-14-organ-donor_x.htm
sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/g/a/2005/05/13/notes051305.DTL
guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,1487422,00.html
fadishist.com/product_info.php?products_id=1
pezcyclingnews.com/photos/babes/babes05/mo-statecrit3.jpg
pbase.com/stlbiking/mo_st_crit_05&page=5
bunnypoker.com
Ah shitty.
| |
From: scott
Subject: thieves know no season
Sorry, no firearms involved.
I left my trusty commuter [Black Beauty, as a sardonic coworker
had dubbed her] stashed outside my marina, amongst the water shut-off
plumbing. Plenty safe, done it a million times.
I forgot my ride there, having hit the head with a sense of
urgency after getting dinner around the corner.
Some time later, coming out of the shower, she jumped out at
me. I noticed something different immediately. My bike [unlocked,
I might add] awaited my return. Something was different, nonetheless.
My NiteRider RoadRat, its mount, the Velcro-attached battery
pack, the backup Cateye halogen, and my strobe taillight were
all gone. The unlocked bike, however, had been left untouched.
In a way, I was initially insulted that the rapscallion had made
off with my lighting, yet left the base ride unmolested. Given
another moment to pause, I was pleased that the rough nature of
Black Beauty had deterred an unnecessary loss, leaving my rust
bucket for another commute. The combination of flipped-n-cut drop
bars, hooded levers, and clips perhaps confused the opportunist
sufficiently before he could think what it would take to ride
such a contraption. Or, maybe down-tube levers were beyond his
comprehension level.
You wouldn't think that this sort of thing would happen in Santa
Barbara. In light of a recent full-on theft of a cohort's ride,
you'd think that I'd be more careful. |
Bike thieves, no check that, all thieves suck.
I got a phone call last night. Some guy I have never met in my life
says, "Is this Jon?"
I go with it. He's no where near smooth enough to be a solicitor.
I figure maybe he's looking to shake me down for some cause of another.
Turns out the guy found some of my mail in the Sizzler parking lot.
Including what appears to be a check.
So he goes home and looks me up in the phone book. Talk about doing
your good turn for the week. He's just some regular guy who saw what
looked like someone's mail on the ground. So he picked it up. Turns
out he works for the Fire Department. Yeah Flag Fire.
So, how you like them apples?
| |
From: Aljosa
Subject: some facts on the iraq-war
hi big j,
this may be quite interesting for you and your commie-friends out
there! read about your führer´s decision-finding process about going
to war with this iraqi-sickhead saddam here:
nybooks.com/articles/18034
man, this is really scary and sick! your glorious leader gives
a shit about ANYTHING that resembles the usual approach of decision-making
concerning his own´s country future, about basic democratic rules
and, in general, the whole world!
this quote sums it up:
" 1. By mid-July 2002, eight months before the war began, President
Bush had decided to invade and occupy Iraq.
2. Bush had decided to "justify" the war "by the conjunction
of terrorism and WMD."
3. Already "the intelligence and facts were being fixed around
the policy."
4. Many at the top of the administration did not want to seek
approval from the United Nations (going "the UN route").
5. Few in Washington seemed much interested in the aftermath
of the war."
geeez... is this how responsible politics are made? i´m feeling
with everyone who has a friend, husband, brother, sister or whomever
over there! you have been betrayed profoundly. america is held
hostage by a bunch of corporate psychos!
ride on, keep the rubber-side down and please: update your site
a bit more regularly! ;-) |
Update the site? Shit. Updating ain't the half of it. That last email
was sitting in my inbox for far longer than I'd like to admit. At least
I got it on the site while it's still 2005.
The fun just never stops over at drunkcyclist.com, I gotta tell ya.
| |
From: Graham
Subject: Ha my neighbour busted ...
Found the link on your web site and low and behold there is a picture
of my neighbour .........
Thanks for the links man!!!! Great work.
thesmokinggun.com/archive/0729051strip11.html
|
That is some funny shit. You should go visit her at work.
| |
From: Nate
Subject: Dakota five-0;NAG
jonny,
of course you realize that DC is the hub of bike riding deviance.
we all appreciate what it is you do, even if we don't really know
what that is. rockon; pissoff.
It's a little late, but would you post up the best out-of-the-way
bike race of the summer?
This is the fifth annual Dakota Five-0 Race/Ride/Tour (blackhills.com/ridgeriders).
Check out the site for a description of the course and pics from
previous years. It is an epic ride on a +40 mile loop through
the northern Black Hills of South Dakota, a real hoot with some
pain mixed in. It begins at ~3600feet, in Spearfish, SD, and reaches
nearly 6000feet in elevation toward the middle of the course.
The race will take place on the sunday of labor day weekend, 4
Sept. 2005.
The following weekend is the annual not-a-gathering (NAG) ride
on the maah-daah-hey trail 3hrs north of spearfish in the badlands
of N. Dakota. checkit: imba.com/epics/maah_daah_hey_trail.html
This is 100 miles of unforgiving singletrack through beautiful
badlands formations. Free camping every 20 miles on the trail
and a good group that weekend. |
Word.
Another day another dollar. At least I rode to work these last two
days. I can always fall back on that.
After a three week blitz of Leadville, SSWC and a week out at my folks
place, I'm totally and completely shattered. You'd think I'd come back
well rested. Instead I came back turned inside out.
And so it goes.
Link dump:
nyvelocity.com/content.php?id=397
intelligent
spaghetti
canada.com/health/story.html
nytimes.com/2005/08/26/opinion/26krugman.html
nytimes.com/2005/08/27/opinion/27dowd.htm
nytimes.com/2005/08/29/international/middleeast/29halliburton.html
sportsillustrated.com/...maria
Sharapova
msnbc.msn.com/id/6210240/
salon.com/health/feature/1999/04/21/cycling/print.html
velonews.com/phorum3/read.php?f=4&i=11814&t=11814
| |
From: Bicycle Blowhard
Subject: RE: an unfortunate perspective
First off I think it's important to note the difference between
cutting new threads on a fork and cleaning out boogered threads
(chasing them). Service counter lore says that cutting new threads
can ruin the tool. Using the same thinking, using a screwdriver
too much will ruin the screwdriver, it's metal on metal. But that's
what tools are for, right?
From the Park Tool web site:
"The FTS-1 Fork Threading Set is designed for cutting new threads
and for chasing existing threads on fork columns that are not
chromed." [parktool.com/products/detail.asp?cat=49&item=FTS-1]
I sympathize with Scott, the disgruntled customer from Tempe,
AZ. I, too, have been that guy. Standing in a bike shop as your
last resort, having left your own garage, where you are the service
manager extraordinaire, and hat in hand putting your future in
the hands of whomever is behind the service counter.
I also have spent a fair amount of time on the other side of
the service counter. I've seen that guy walk in before, grease
on his T-shirt, maybe sweat on his brow. Maybe taking the bike
apart seemed like such a great idea and now he has to resort to
coming into a bike shop -- which in the male psyche ranks up there
with asking for driving directions.
These Sunday garage mechanics are do-it-yourselfers that can
rebuild a car transmission or rewire a fuse box with a Swiss Army
knife and a pack of gum.
Sometimes these guys are crackpots, but a lot of the time they
are sound mechanics with the same grit and determination that
the best bike mechanics take pride in when they boast they can
fix anything.
For a shop with such a renowned mechanic -- or at least one
that garners so much press -- I'm surprised that they didn't have
a die for a 1-inch steerer.
Coaching and supporting the Lance Armstrong Foundation is great
and all (and great PR for the shop), but I have to sympathize
with Tempe, a bike shop should be able and willing to fix anything.
Charge $10-$15 for the service. Charge more if you have to, that
tool will pay for itself. Plus, you would make the customer happy,
then maybe next time he needs a tube he'll come in and pay $8
for one you paid $1 for.
Sounds like "Tempe, AZ" could have used a heart-to-heart with
an understanding service person. Telling the customer they have
to buy the tool is a bullshit call because it obviously prices
the customer out of the job. Maybe if they weren't so busy hanging
their Barnett's diplomas on the wall and framing their write-ups
in Bicycling (a magazine that will tell you themselves is directed
at neophytes) the shop would have picked up a loyal customer.
Yes, to the shop owners point, technology is changing. But lets
not look so high as to not be able to see down your nose at all
the old, sound, proven technology that still needs servicing,
and the legions of bike owners who are alienated by highfalutin
shops that won't work on your bike unless it has a carbon frame
and integrated headset.
The bottom line is that, as any service manager worth his salt
will tell you, it is easier to work on new technology than to
deal with old technology. Go ahead, "move the passion of cycling
forward," but do it without leaving disgruntled customers in your
wake -- that's the mark of a good bike shop. And for all this
great big modern bike shop's chest thumping and back patting,
they dropped the ball. |
I had to post just one more of the many emails on the subject. I'll
try to taper off now.
Right on.
Yeah, I've heard it. I don't think I've posted anything about it yet.
Pretty lame 24 Hours of Adrenalin has banned Kerkove from their events
for a year. I can't see why you'd bother.
If you hate the bastard, take his money anyway. It's not like you have
some kind of personnel relationship with all the racers. What do you
care what he thinks? If the check clears, fuck it.
I mean, you are in the business to make money, right?
Time files when you're having fun. Or, in my case, when you drinking
your old man's beer.
Back in the saddle on a Monday. Yee haa. Just fucking shoot me.
First out of the box, an upcoming race:
| |
From: Racer Jared
Subject: Single-Speed Championship at Sundance
2nd Annual Mountain West Single Speed Championship
Located at Sundance Ski Resort
Sept. 3rd, 2005
8:30 am registration opens
9:50 am pre-race meeting at start line
10:00 am race begins
$25 Entry fee
2 categories male/female (single speeds only)
70% - 80% cash payback (based on a sliding scale, so the more
people that race the bigger the cash purse, and the deeper the
payout will be)
For more information call us at 801-223-4121 or go to www.sundanceresort.com
(mt. bike races) |
I've gotten a ton of email on the fork cutting post of last week.
I'm going to post a bunch of them for two reasons. One, a lot of really
good points are brought up. And two, I'm just that lazy.
I didn't clarify what the customer was actually requesting, cut down
the steerer and add some new threads. It can make all the difference
in the world, whether you're just cutting a fork, or creating new threads.
I've done both plenty of times.
And, I should mention, I have a paperweight at home, which is a ruined
one inch cutter. A co-worker tried to thread down a chrome fork a few
years back when I last worked at a bike shop. And that was the end of
that cutter. It does make a rather nice paperweight though.
If there is one thing this little episode has taught me, it's that
I simply must get a comment section up and running on the site.
Anyway, read on.
| |
From: John
Subject: threaded headsets
I'm proud to say I'm still rockin' the 1" threaded headset on my
race bike. This is not because of any retro-thing but only because
I'm a cheap bastard and I'm still riding the bike it came on. I'm
not sold on the virtues of threadless headsets. I can adjust it
without a bunch of spacers. Spacers make it seem like a plumbing
job even if they are carbon.
I'm sure the main virtue of threadless is the elimination of
costly cutting and threading. I think it is the same as putting
the annoying labels on fruit. It allows the use of dumber help.
The supermarket can now hire a high school kid who wouldn't know
Granny Smith from a cucumber. The bike shop doesn't have to train
anyone to cut and thread forks.
This approach is also making it's way into government. Do away
with Miranda and the 4th Amendment and hooray, we can hire dumber
cops. |
And…
| |
From: Mike
Subject: "1" Threaded steerers"
Hello DC.
Are we talking about chasing the threads on a steerer OR
adding threads to the steerer? Or does this guy want to take a threadless
steerer and try to add threads?
If it is just chasing the threads after cutting the steerer,
then the shop is lame if they can not do that. If this guy came
to me and wanted to add threads I would not do it either. That
really screws up the tool and cuts shitty threads too and if the
steerer had any chrome at it at all that would totally fuck up
the cutter.
Steerers have the threads cut on a thread cutting lathe at the
manufacturer. Threaded steerers come in about 6 to 7 different
lengths and you want to use the right one with head tube size
that is intended for. |
And…
| |
From: Patrick
Subject: Threading vs. cutting vs. chasing: defining some
terms
Interesting discussion going on about tools and some mechanics'
inability or unwillingness to use them. However, it sounds like
everyone is talking about different things here. Scott mentioned
going into the shop and asking them to "thread and cut a 1" steerer."
Depending on what he means by this, he's either asking for something
that is simple and routine, or something impractical for just about
any shop:
Did he want Cadence to chase the threads to clean them up before
installing a new headset? Sure, any shop should have the tools
to do that and shame on one that doesn't.
Or was he asking for the mechanic to extend the threads on
the fork so that he could install this fork on a smaller frame?
No problem with a cheapo Roadmaster fork. If he had a high-quality
chromoly fork, though, extending the threads with a shop-style
Park or Hozan die is a risky undertaking. The mechanic would face
a real possibility of damaging the fork beyond repair (rough,
messed-up, undersized threads) and ruining a very expensive tool.
According to John Barnett, "Extending the threading on a fork
is a misuse of a fork die." I've done the job on mild steel forks
and it's ugly enough.
Finally, if Scott wanted the shop to add threads to a fork that
didn't have threads originally, well, I've never worked at a shop
able to handle that one. I have no idea how fork manufacturers
cut threads into their steerers, but I bet it's not done with
any tool that Park makes.
I truly appreciate creative, competent mechanics, and I just
hope that nobody's reputation is getting damaged just because
we're not defining our terms. |
And…
| |
From: Straks
Subject: WTF?
God dammit! Okay, before tapping out an email, I decided to look
at the website for Cadence. Okay, now I am ready.
Look, you guys obviously have an ass-load of money to open a
shop in Manayunk with a bunch of gay ass CompuTrainers and (no
doubt) overpaid coaches, but you can't afford a thread chaser?
Okay, if you didn't have the insert for 1 1/4" we could cut you
some slack, but you can't cut a 1" steerer? Do your coaches encourage
guys to ride fixed gear bikes in the winter? Don't people still
use old steel road frames with horizontal drop outs for those?
Oh, wait, look back to the website. Clearly, all of the customers
have enough change to drop on a brand new off the shelf fixed
bike which would come with a 1 1/8" threadless carbon fork and
vertical dropouts with some sort of eccentric hub... Yo, why I
gotta be hating?
Yeah, I understand that the shop is not very old and if you
were to buy tools based on new bikes, there are some tools that
would seem to be outdated. Looking back to Scott's original rant,
he mentioned overhauling a three speed kick back hub. How often
do you have to do that anymore? Not very often, but it is a legit
repair and someone should be able to do it. Every time you send
away a repair you cut yourself short. You risk losing out on a
potential customer, you risk bad press on the most respected websites
and your mechanics miss out on a chance to renew skills, or possible
even learn something for the first time. I bet there are some
mechanics in that shop who have never threaded a fork. Ever shim
a crown race? It takes some high tech tools for that ya know.
How many guys really use a file the right way? Hey, my fixed gear
bike has a full aluminum threaded fork from a Guerciotti. Oh,
maybe aluminum is no longer considered a "super-sensitive alloy"?
Just what the hell "expensive tools" with "high tolerances" are
they using? For a threadless "drop-in" headset and a carbon steerer
tube, you could get away with just a three way allen wrench, a
hacksaw and some emory cloth if you can cut a straight line without
benefit of an alignment gauge.
Last year when I was still in Flagstaff working at AZ Bikes,
I remember Bryce getting a hard-on when he finally used the Park
tool to remove a kickstand from an old Schwinn cruiser. How often
are you gonna use that? Not very, but there is really nothing
else to do the job the right way. Seat tube reamer? Cottered crank
pin remover? Spanner wrenches for old style Shimano headsets?
How many different freewheel removal tools do you have? I could
go on, but it's not really a competition. You run a bike shop;
buy some tools. It's not like they take up that much more space.
Your reply was well written; just weak.
When I was on the road, I always got grief from the other mechanics
for having the heaviest toolbox. Did I need all those files? Couldn't
I have carried a lighter hammer, and a smaller crescent wrench?
Did I need Torx wrenches and "American" sized Allen wrenches.
That stuff sure came in handy when I needed to tune up car doors
or fix a pop-up tent or massage table. That day in Poland when
I had to remove the wheel well from the truck and bang it back
into shape after a blowout, that heavier hammer came in handy.
I can't even be fucked to type anymore. I did five years in
a shop, five years on the road as a team mechanic, have a B.S.
in Exercise Science, am a certified massage therapist, have a
CDL, will be doing some welding and painting tomorrow and as a
certified auto mechanic found time to replace the timing belt
in the boss's car last week. Oh, yeah, while I could never have
every tool I could possibly need (had to make one last week for
the timing belt job) if you come over to the shop I can thread
a 1" fork. |
And…
| |
From: Ted
Subject: Mechanics, not parts swappers
Well that's just unfuckinfortunate now isn't it? It makes me feel
really good about going to work tomorrow at my shop. I sat on the
ground today and showed a 12 year old how to rebuild a Bendix coaster
brake 'cause that's what his bike had. Hey Cadence, you run what
you brung, and there will be coaster brakes, 3-spds, and 1-inch
threaded bikes for at least three more decades. And why don't you
have "Hard-on" (sorry, Woody) volunteer at a nonprof sometime so
he gets a feel for what people who ride, commute, beer run, and
use, not just bring to you to get ready for their race tomorrow.
If you can't get your hoopy POS fixed at your local shop, how are
you ever going to care about buying the latest carbon (burnt plastic)
or Titanium wonder bike?. And no, I'm not some retro grouch, despite
my Specialized shark cruiser and XO-3, I also run a IRD Scandium
and a Softride, and I maintain them all. Our shop can fix everything
from a 40-year old Columbia to an FSR. And given its' recent pussyfied
"lifestyle" turn, an accolade from Bicycling means dick. Ted Thomas,
The Bike Hut. |
And…
| |
From: Bobby
Subject: on bike tools
I like how Matt H. the Cadence guy told us all about his sponsorships,
fund raising, etc. before addressing his lack of tools no longer
needed for "Moving the passion of cycling forward." I own a residential
home remodel & repair business; when a current or prospective client
wants me to do something on their house that will require a new
tool, I for sure say "I can do that." And I don't lose money...
I price it in the job. The client is happy. They tell their friends
about me... "he can do/fix/make anything." I then have a new tool/skill
put away for the future... to make more money. Good word of mouth
and more money is a pretty good day. I'm sure I could get an outlandish
client request sometime, but not yet -not enough to turn away business.
Matt H. must realize we know his "We routinely provide free
mechanical services for local cycling events and charity rides"
is good business for him - gets the name out there and helps some
one out (also a good day). I do the same when I do volunteer building
work... but I'm not a fucking martyr about it. It's good for business.
Real charity work for me is working at a soup kitchen - I don't
have a vested business interest in food preparation.
He's missing the opportunity to be both the charitable and FULL-service
shop. Good for him - it's his business.
And what-the fuck?... as for his college mechanic and training
program approved mechanic staff, I'm sure my customers would be
thrilled to hear I can't do the job, but I did however graduate
from Manhattan College with a mechanical engineering degree so
I'll give it a good look. Thrilled. |
And…
| |
From: Heath
Subject: no subject
Cutting a one inch fork! We own a cutter and I haven't uses it in
the past 6 years. On top of the fact that the tool is very expensive
it is a pain in the ass to do it. If we didn't have a machine shop
down the street that would do it for $15.00 I would sell the person
a new fork with treads on it also. The guy in the one e-mail said
"Labor is considered far more precious than all the resources it
took to produce the part, all the oil it took to ship it across
the ocean, and all the landfill space that is going to be taken
up with the junk we discard." Fuck yea it is! That labor is what
pays me to be able to feed my kid. It is how I pay my mortgage.
That guy probably doesn't even work in the bike industry. We have
to scrape by to make a living. Why should I take $250 out of my
pocket so you can have threads cut on a $20 fork. Any way fuck anyone
that doesn't work in a shop they have no Idea what we put up with.
Fuck you too! |
Man, you just gotta love Heath.
And…
| |
From: Cody
Subject: threading a 1" tube...
What kind of a bike shop can't thread a 1" steer tube? A really
lame shop. I have never seen a shop that doesn't at least have the
tool to do this. I cannot believe the guy from Cadence tries to
justify for this lack of mechanical service due to meeting the bottom
line. After all it's services like these that keeps dedicated bike
geeks coming back to your shop….fucking moron. Thanks for letting
me throw in my two cents. |
And…
| |
From: Ribsteak
Subject: 1"
Scott,
Just had a few more threads cut on a 1" steel fork for the old 14
speed Serotta Club Special down at AZ Bikes. If you still need the
work done head up to Flagstaff and they can get it done. Website
isn't as cool but they built me a C-50 I'll stack up against anybody.
|
And…
| |
From: Michael
Subject: re: disgruntled bike guys
Yo Jonny, there is a difference between chasing threads and cutting
new ones. I might give pause to the question of whether or not to
greatly diminish the life of, or destroy the sole 1" fork thread
tool in my and my shop's possession. Amongst the sometimes podunk
population of NW Montana, said tool remains an oft valued tool.
|
And…
| |
From: Jeff
Subject: Cadence comedy
Hey Juansen,
That Cadence letter was classic. The person that wrote that has
marketing scum written all over them. I especially like where they
laud the qualifications of one of their mechanics as being ASE certified
like it's some big deal. It's almost required for someone to work
on cars anymore to be ASE certified and really it just boils down
to paying your money, taking the classes and passing the tests.
It's not a big deal, in fact I know some complete knuckleheads who
are ASE certified and some excellent auto mechanics who aren't.
I tell you what, if I worked at a shop that couldn't thread a steerer
I'd be embarrassed. |
And…
| |
From: Robert
Subject: To Matt H.
Matt H,
As a former head mechanic of Agee's Bicycles in Richmond, VA, another
"if it is broke, buy a new one" shop I know according to your theory
it is also not cost effective to build wheels, overhaul anything,
work on anything old, do any sort of frame work, or any work that
is not "Bicycle Assembly & Maintenance (BAM)". The purpose of you
sending your mechanics to the one week Bicycle Assembly & Maintenance
(BAM) course at Barnett's is so that you Matt can tout in response
to shitty work or customer service that your mechanics are "trained
and certified." Do you know why your mechanic didn't say "We do
not thread and cut one inch forks because it is not cost effective."?
It is because he is embarrassed. He knows he doesn't know how to.
It wasn't covered in the course you sent him to. You castrate your
mechanics by not providing them with the tools of their trade and
not allowing them to work and learn.
If your mechanics are good mechanics then they should leave
your shop for a real one where they can learn how to work on bikes
and provide customer service. One week in a classroom is nothing
compared to time in a full service shop with other knowledgeable
mechanics. I left Agee's for a full service shop where I worked
for several years and had a very full-filling experience. I built
a customer base that trusted me and only came to me for service
AND sales. My customers knew that I could and would do anything
they may need from installing and bleeding their hydraulic brakes,
to straitening their old steel Tommasini when they got hit by
a careless driver (probably the owner of a McBikeShop like Performance,
or Bikeline). They also came to me to be fitted and to order their
custom Serotta or Independent Fabrication. There's a $5000 sale
for the shop that employs that full service mechanic. That is
on top of the $70-$120 per hour that he is bringing in to service.
Your response to Nowicki's comments is thorough. It seems well
rehearsed. Maybe you should forward it to Bill Agee; I watched
him fumble for responses to inquiries and insults like these many
times. |
And…
| |
From: Fullo
Subject: Cadence claptrap
O Master of the Malt,
From the Cadence Cycling website:
"We want your bicycle to be an extension of your personality,
as unique, rare, and colorful as you are."
Unless, of course, you need a 1-inch steerer threaded and cut.
Need I say more?
Dr. Fullo Schidt
Chief Analyst
Bovine Exhaust Detection Systems, LLC |
And…
| |
From: Andy
Subject: wrench talk
Big Jon:
I read the emails you posted that discussed one person's ordeal
with getting a 1" steerer threaded and cut, and the shop's reaction
upon hearing said ordeal.
I would like to chime in from the mechanic side of things.
First off, nuts to Cadence. I have worked in three shops over
the last 5 years, and every shop had the tools to cut threads
on a 1" steerer. Two of those shops are in Chicago (Boulevard
Bikes where I work, and Rapid Transit who laid me off years ago)
and one in the northern reaches of Wisconsin (Simple Sports, in
Menomonie). If small startups and backwoods bicycle shops possess
a tool that is pricey and is not used all that often, then what
excuse does Cadence have?
Also, the track bike section on the Cadence website is not working.
Second off, nuts to Nowicki. True, I do not know the guy, but
I say it anyway. Going back to wrenching experience, I have had
the pleasure of working with an incredibly talented group of people
over the years. Going further, there are plenty of shops where
these people wind up. It is unfortunate that a classy shop left
a bad taste with Mr. Nowicki (I'm not entirely sure what else
to call you, apologies).
Over the years there is one experience that has eroded my faith
in certain patrons of bike shops. At Rabid Transient, I had a
job assigned to me where the bike needed more work then it had
originally been written up for. Since estimates are given to customers
when they bring there bikes in, we are required to contact the
customer should the original estimate fall short of the cost required
in repairing a bike (unless the overrun is minor). The bike I
was looking at needed another 60 bucks of chain and cassette.
I called, nobody was home, nobody called back.
Since there was no shortage of work to be done, I chose not
to work on the bike. Well, the bike's owner came in later. Aghast
that his prized steed had been ignored, he confronted the poor
soul who happened to be nearest to him. When I saw what was going
on, I paused my work to try to explain what had happened. Trying
to have a technical discussion with a flustered customer after
9 hours of work and no beer does not work out for me. The guy
leaves, disappointed.
A week later and my boss shows me an email. The guy spent the
entire time insulting my math skills (a horrible thing to do to
a wrench with a BS in Mathematics trying to get a non-wrenching
job before being laid off) and saying how he was deeply hurt by
the experience. I wrote an response with the standard apology,
an explanation, and my boss sent it off. No response.
Basically, this guy was calling me a dumb mother fucker for
things that were beyond my control.
The wrenches probably should have come clean right away, as
often wrenches do not control which tools a shop purchases. The
situation was beyond their control.
So I find myself at the end of this message, yet no point to
tie it all together.
Nuts to everyone. |
And…
| |
From: Casey
Subject: Matt "H"
Hey Jonny,
One thing to say about Cadence Cycling:
Fuck.
Okay, one more thing to say.
Best get to the races before all the dern kids and cripples
show up needing the bike fixed for some reason other than prideful
fulfillment of ego. "Hey why dontcha take a look at how comfortable
these racing assholes feel in our service department while our
nervous wreck mechanics wipe their asses with the wrong hub cone.
Oh shit! Those hubs have no cones due to their having 'Moved forward
with the passion of cycling'".
I'm buying my next bike from Target. Why don't you "move forward"
with the passion of sucking my ass? |
And finally...
| |
From: Zach
Subject: How many speeds
BJ
I just wanted to point out that the "kickback" hub that Scott was
referring to, I believe was found on Schwinns' in the 70's. There
was a stripe on the hub being either yellow or red. Red I believe
to be the rarer of the two. The point I'm getting at is, there are
only 2 speeds in the "kickback" edition of coaster brake hubs. Which
is probably why he couldn't figure out how to get 3 speeds out of
2. Now I could be wrong and there is a 3 speed version, but I believe
all three speeds used a cable. As far as your bikes are concerned,
it sounds like you need to hunt down an old Gary Fisher Hoo Koo
E Koo from 95 with a 1 1/4" steer tube to add to your fleet. Then
take it over to Cadence for a steertube threading.
I also want to point out one other thing about cutting a threadless
steerer. The professional bike shop tool that "threads" is designed
to "chase" threads and not actually cut them. Don't get me wrong,
any shop guy who has this tool, as we do, has used it to cut threads
farther down on an already threaded steerer. We charge $20/cm
for this. This does dull the tool dramatically and will need sharpening
sooner. The major problem with threading a steerer with no previous
threads, is that the tool isn't designed to cut new threads and
its definitely not designed to start new threads. Thus there is
no way of knowing if its actually cutting straight, which will
impact the adjustment of the headset. Not to say that I haven't
done this a few times anyway, but I wouldn't rely on it for a
bike that was something special like Richard Sachs or Bruce Gordon
or an old Schwinn Paramount. What's the appropriate thing to do
in this case? Well if it is a special bike that he's trying to
get on the road, he should be contacting a machinist to cut threads
that will actually be straight and the correct length. If its
a bike that isn't quite as special, then you can make do with
a chase/cut tool which with no cut threads means your going to
spending $60 to get them cut. The one thing that doesn't make
sense with the cadences,"dont' want to invest in the tool" scenario,
is that the chaser is just a tool the 1" cutter is interchangeable
with 1 1/8" and 1 1/4". Which means if they don't have the tool
in reality they only needed to order the 1" chaser, with lime
and salt?
As far as bike shop service is concerned. We still run under
the premise that we will fix anything. Meaning that if something
comes in, it goes out fixed. Which has had us doing some extreme
measures to facilitate fixing them. Generally a loss of money,
but a customer for life. Being in the bay area we are lucky to
be a stones throw away from frame builders, machinists, bike nuts
and super kooks. As the industry progresses the old bike guru's
of the past will dwindle and the older parts will be harder and
harder to get serviced. In reality there really isn't that many
great service shops in the country. Which means that its more
important for the good ones to keep the old kooks still riding.
It may sound ass backwards that Scott got turned down for a 1"
steertube, but there are always parts that get dropped from the
list. How many bike shops are going to hunt down an S series Schwinn
specific 26 x 1 3/8 tire?
The sad fact is this, the bike shop and mechanics will never
be considered a professional job. Thus its more difficult to promote
professionalism and getting people to stay in the industry as
their ultimate job. Its generally underworld non-corporates, high-school
dropouts , in-betweeners, and drifters who are making up a good
percentage of the bike shop world. McDonalds has better starting
wages than most bike mechanics. If we were making the same wages
and selling service at higher costs, we could all afford to build
the ultimate work place with CNC machines, lathes, frame tables
and every snap-on tricked chrome plated torque wrench in existence.
If Cadence had told him, "yes we can do that." and charged him
$80, which is probably more than what he paid for the fork, he
probably would have said, "what the fuck?" and you would have
got an email from him complaining about the pricing of threading
a fork.
Well I hope that I have completely blown this out of proportion.
Ride on. |
I met a saucy little redhead out at SSWC. She said she loved the site,
and I should put some "Redhead
for Jonathon" links because her husband's name is Jonathon and he would
appreciate it.
You just can't argue with that, can you? Sorry Dave, but you're just
going to have to share
the glory
for a little bit.
| |
From: Nowicki
Subject: an unfortunate perspective
In the mid-1890's, Percival Lowell decided to build an observatory
in Flagstaff Arizona because of its clear skies, high elevation,
and beautiful surroundings. He had a 24-inch Clark telescope made
by the renowned builder in Boston shipped out to Flagstaff via train.
With a location and instrument, Lowell just needed an observatory
in which to house and operate the telescope. The only problem was
that no one in town had any knowledge or experience in building
such a complicated structure. As the story goes, Lowell had approached
every craftsman and carpenter in Flagstaff and no one was willing
to accept the job. Then, he saw the sign hanging at the bike shop
that essentially said "We solve any problem." He challenged the
mechanics to design and construct a light-weight rotating observatory.
Being the ingenious and capable people that worked in bike shops
at the time, they accepted the job and built the beautiful dome
that is still operational today.
I cite that story just to show that the Wright Brothers weren't
the only inspired bike shop punks in American history.
Yesterday, I walked into Cadence Performance Cycling Center
in Manayunk, Philadelphia, and asked the inhabitants to thread
and cut a 1" steerer. I was given some story that it would use
up too much of the die, was too difficult or expensive, and that
I would have to buy the tools for them to do the work. They did
offer to sell me a new fork, stem, and headset, though. When I
found out that they didn't actually own the tools required to
do the job, I grabbed the fork and asked if there was a real bike
shop nearby. After visiting the shop down the street, I learned
that the answer was No.
There is a history of bike shop mechanics being something akin
to inventors, possibly even visionaries. But today there is more
often a distinct lack of ability and a loss of vision. The local
bike shop manned with qualified personnel seems to be on its death
bed. I know of a few that still have oddballs with uncanny knowledge
or skills, but they are very few and very far between. It seems
that most shops lack the ability to perform tasks that were commonplace
10 years ago. In most cases, this is because it is not profitable
to invest in tools that will only be used occasionally.
I learned bike maintenance via the old trial and error method.
I took things apart rather quickly, and then spent hours trying
to put them back together. While I don't look back fondly upon
the time I spent cleaning and rebuilding the magical pieces found
in a kickback 3-speed internal hub with coaster brake, I am certain
the experience did me a lot of good. I am unafraid to attack any
bike problem, because I know I can fix it eventually, and if I
can't, things are probably so completely inoperable that I don't
feel bad about buying a new component. My experience in many bike
shops is that if it is not a routine fix, it isn't worth doing,
and you should just buy a new one. Labor is considered far more
precious than all the resources it took to produce the part, all
the oil it took to ship it across the ocean, and all the landfill
space that is going to be taken up with the junk we discard.
The disposable nature of our society and every day goods is
becoming more obvious in bike culture. If it is more cost-effective
to buy a new component rather than overhaul an older one, then
we should just mail order everything from Supergo and be done
with it. You don't need a bike shop to order new things when the
old ones start to show wear. It makes more sense to have the selection
and price breaks available from on-line distributors.
The only reason for Cadence Cycling to be around is to facilitate
impulse consumerism, so that when rich people feel fat they can
buy a fancy new piece of technology. But it seems that is the
bike shop of the future, and there is no help for people who want
to ride and maintain a bike just to get around. Cadence might
as well display their bikes mounted on the back of SUVs, close
the wrench area, and cover it up with a picture of the old bike
shop in Flagstaff.
Scott
Tempe, AZ |
This was followed up by…
| |
From: Matt H.
Subject: RE: an unfortunate perspective
Hi Scott,
My name is Matt H. [last name removed per big jonny], and I'm one
of the owners and the founder of Cadence Performance Cycling in
Manayunk.
I just read your recent email. I applaud your style, relatively
proficient use of the vernacular, and apparent sound knowledge
of domestic cycling history. While I disagree with your views
about the nature and value of our business, we nevertheless welcome
and encourage dissension and acknowledge that you are entitled
to your opinions.
Having said the above, please allow me to disagree with just
one claim you espouse. You write, "The only reason for Cadence
Cycling to be around is to facilitate impulse consumerism, so
that when rich people feel fat they can buy a fancy new piece
of technology."
First, Cadence is the Official Coaching and Training Facility
for the National U23 Triathlon Team; we coach domestic pros riding
for Team Quark, Kodak/Sierra Nevada, and others; we conduct training
and coaching for people of all ages and abilities, so that they
may become healthier, happier, and less of a long-term health
burden to a society which, at last estimates, has a population
of which 25% is obese. Like yourself, Cadence is instrumental
in cycling advocacy, especially in the Philadelphia area. We routinely
provide free mechanical services for local cycling events and
charity rides, and are one of two driving forces behind fund-raising
rides and auctions for the recently tragically wounded racer,
Sarah Scott (www.sarah-scott.com).
We train at discount local cancer survivors and promote the Lance
Armstrong Foundation. At cost to us, we sponsor the Mid-Atlantic
'Cross (MAC) series by providing 'cross clinics, camps, and mechanical
services in the pits. We support the Lehigh Valley Velodrome and
are active in grassroots programs to promote competitive cycling
for juniors. Cadence also donates any spare parts, bikes, and
sundry other usable items to the Philadelphia Neighborhood Bike
Works, a non-profit program to provide work-study programs for
underprivileged inner-city youth (www.neighborhoodbikeworks.org).
In defense of our mechanics, I'd also like to point out that they
have attended Barnett's Bicycle Institute and passed in the top
10% of their classes. One of our mechanics is a graduate of Trinity
College, another is ASE Certified and was recognized by Bicycling
Magazine as one of the best mechanics in the country. Their reasoning
behind not re-threading your fork is a matter of simple business
prudence; specifically, the cost risk of purchasing a seldom--if
ever--used tool outweighs the outside chance that it may one day
be called into service. Cadence is in business for a number of
reasons, but primary among them is to be profitable so that we
can support the families of those who work with us, so that we
can afford to send our highly-skilled and wildly meticulous mechanics
to Barnett's, and so that we can continue to contribute to the
local and national cycling scene as best we can.
Perhaps to your chagrin or lament, the world of cycling is changing.
High-tech composites, super-sensitive alloys, and incredible tolerances
require expensive tools and well-trained mechanics. Cadence is
moving forward with the world of cycling. While others, including
yourself, may be content to live and work in the glorious past
tradition of cycling and its related technologies, Cadence is
proud to be part of the cutting edge...hence our motto: "Moving
the passion of cycling forward."
Sincerely,
Matt H. |
Cadence Performance Cycling may be "moving forward with the world
of cycling". But if they can't chase the threads on a one inch fork,
well, I don't know what I can say. You may not use the tool very often,
but that certainly doesn't exclude you from needing to own one. There
are a lot of tools in the park catalog, or a Campy tool set, that you're
not going to utilize daily for your everyday repairs. But, come on,
you're just going to let that business roll out the door? Bike shops
fix bikes.
I guess I'm "content to live and work in the glorious past tradition
of cycling and its related technologies" as between my wife and I, we
have not one, not two, but eight bikes with one inch threaded headsets.
Most are road bikes, one is a old BMX 26 inch race cruiser and the last
is a 1990 Salsa Ala Carte. And all of 'em are cool.
I should note we also own another eight or so bikes with treadless
setups, just in case you think we're all retro-grouchy and shit. I've
even got one with and inch and an eighth quill. Go figure.
I can only wonder what other services the fine folks at Cadence Performance
Cycling decline to offer, or even invest in the tools to perform?
I'll say this much, they have a snazzy
website. Check out the write up on service.
I left out this mention of Pat Robertson yesterday as I'm just plain
lazy.
| |
From: Mario
Subject: religions idiot
Don't you just hate those religious fundamentalist fanatics, who
can't help but preach death and destruction? what do you think about
that little piece of shit?
mediamatters.org/items/200508220006
|
Aren't there laws against inciting violence? Rights to Free Speech
pretty much end at yelling"fire" in a crowded theater. This may have
crossed the line.
May have? No, this thimble prick definitely crossed the line. It's
about time he got put out to pasture. He shouldn't be in charge of anything
harder than cooking frech fries.
Sorry freedom fries. What was I thinking?
bridger.us/2002/12/16/CrashTestingMINICooperVsFordF150
hogonice.com/archives/004211.html
gettysburgbmx.com/news/index.php
cyclingnews.com/riders/2005/diaries/keith/?id=keith0510
cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/diet.fitness/08/24/obesity.oregon.ap/index.html
birdparty.blogspot.com/2005/08/ru-ready-to-rumble_22.html
I rode for all of an hour today. The first half hour sucked. The second
half hour wasn't so bad.
Go figure.
| |
From: TBD
Subject: Lance Armstrong and Bush
Hey DC-
So there I am, cruzing the old internet from my current basecamp
in Indonesia- trying to get a feel for what is happening back in
America when I came on this story about W. and Lance Armstrong:
sportsillustrated.cnn.com/...bc.cyc.bush.armstrong.ap/index.html
I have to say, it got my goat for a couple of reasons. I've
never written in since I first started checking the site in '02,
but though this deserved a shout.
First, the photo. What do you see there? You see W leading the
Man on a ride about the presidential compound. That's right, leading.
The photo shows W in a strategically chosen photo designed to
suggest that he is not only on par with the Man, but actually
edging him out. Of course he looks like great white buffalo next
to the taught brown lines of the Man, but the symbolism is there.
Check the bikes, though. Funny that the President of the United
States of America has an older bike.
Secondly, I had to laugh on the White House Spokesman's comment
about the ride. Apparently W said "He's a good rider" Hey, fuck
you. He is the biker, you are the silver spooner. Of course he
has skills. You don't know shit about bikes, so quit trying to
assume to pass judgment on the Man. Just another example of W's
presumptuous and under qualified nature. Can't balance the budget,
can't help the economy, can't create jobs, can't help the poor,
can't improve education, can't fix social security, can't admit
when you're wrong, can't properly use the English language. Sure
can kill off the little people on both sides of the asinine dual
wars of Iraq and Afghanistan.
Third, it drives me crazy that at the end of the article we
get a real taste of the personality of our bold leader in the
time of moral and economic crisis. His time is tightly scheduled,
his every moment is spend agonizing about how to save the lives
of Americans and Iraqis alike. It is so great that he has the
time and energy to stoop to address the public at all. What could
be going through the mind of the leader of the free world in such
a time? "Ok, let's go swimming!" Hell, our boys, including a couple
of my cousins, are there in the shithole of chickenhawk bravado,
Iraq, while W takes 5 weeks of vacation and continues clock less
time in White House than the fucking cable repair man. All this
while a lady who lost her son in his first month in Iraq waits
patiently for a chance to meet with him. "No time, lady. I'm off
for a swim!"
Finally, I thought that it was funny that W gifted presidential
socks to the crew of Discovery. How ironic, I thought. My guess
is that many of them would like to gift W with a presidential
sock of their own. |
Today's top story: Armstrong
and EPO.
More via google.
Time flies when you're having fun. Or, in my case, time stands still
when you don't do anything. A day like this is invaluable. The hardest
thing I did today was take a photograph of a flower.
That might not be entirely true. I also fixed up the old road bike
I leave here at my parents place. I pulled four spokes through the rim
last time out, so I packed an new set of hoops to bludgeon on the Bucks
County back roads. While I was at it, I figured why not run 8 speed
Dura Ace? Everything but the cranks, baby. And the stuff still works
as well as it did all those years ago when it was last bolted to a bike.
Now I just have to ride it. I think two days off after the beating
I took last weekend ought to be enough. The biggest thing was all the
damn walking. And not everyone walked as much as I did, I imagine. At
the back of the field where I was skulking about, it was walk city.
I should have brought my hiking boots. Cycling shoes suck to walk
in.
Anyway, enough of that. It's starting to sound like I'm complaining.
| |
From: adam s.
Subject: whatever chump
you knew the rules when you set out on the quest for ss glory. the
winner would be decided by go cart.
here's your winner:
pbase.com/dens/image/48064773
thanks for the taunting/insulting voicemail. I had a wonderful
weekend. |
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Buck is your 2005 Champion. He's a friend
of some friends of mine, and a good guy to boot.
And he didn't seem to mind all that much when I took him in the barriers
repeatedly.
Well, he seemed to mind a little. But winning apparently forgave all
previous transgressions on my part. Otherwise, he probably would have
punched me.
And, it should be mentioned that the one and only Marla
Streb took the go-kart win for the ladies in grand style.
| |
From: frank
Subject: queerer than a three dollar bill
Here's the police blotter from Tuesdays paper. Too bad bikes weren't
mentioned.
centredaily.com/mld/centredaily/12450091.htm
Seems like all the bitching about the go-carts comes from AZ, the
time I rode South Mountain there seemed to be a go-kart track at
the fucking trailhead. Couldn't you kids have practiced?
gayer than a picnic basket in PA,
Frank
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." Mark Twain
|
I can drive reasonable well. I came in third in my qualifying heat
and made it to the finals. But, still, go-karts? No amount of practice
could make that worth the world championship. If I had won the kart
race, I wouldn't have accepted the award. Call me crazy, but that's
my choice.
It's like my man Gnome saying he wouldn't take the big buckle at Leadville
if he came in at 9:00:45. Under nine or nothing.
Yeah, we're idiots. But we have to look at ourselves in the mirror
long enough to shave in the morning after all.
Here's one from DeJay.
| |
From: dejay
Subject: sswc report
well lets see if i can remember the way things went. My mind is
still a little foggy do to the rattling, jostling and drowing it
has taken in the last 3 days.
I believe it started out with less talk and more rock. Let me say,
everyone that was one the course this weekend got rocked.
A25.5 mile single loop with a splendor of climbing challenged everyone.
Rock gardens galore, slat bridges, tree hop overs, litterings of
roots and smoke bombs also added difficulty to the course. All in
all a great riding experience.
Now with that said, let me tell you my story: A le mans start sent
the near 500 ssers around a mostly singletrack run which had to
be at least a half mile for most. Some found a sorter way threw
the woods, while others just stood next the there bike "safty checking"
until the others returned. I was looking pretty good about top 40
in the run, until i got short cutted by about 100 people. SHIT.
As i made it back to the bike area, the bike were scattered all
over (not were we left them). There were purple rigs everywhere"ahh
wheres my bike, shit.....fuck..aaahhhh". After 5 or more mins. and
looking over all the bikes 3 time, i came to the conclusion that
someone else must have taken my bike. So i grabbed the next rig
with eggbeaters that i saw, and was off...fuck it. Ride what someone
else brung.
The bike was no were near my set up: low saddle, 80mm stem, 19 1/2
frame, topping out fork, bad bottom bracket and squeaked like crazy.
But when people yelled at me about the bike being so loud, i had
an easy out "it's not mine". ride on.
The course started with a decent climb to separate the group, but
i started so far back, it was all traffic for me when i got to the
single track. So as others just stood there waiting to cross bridges
and rock gardens, i decided to go off on a little run the the mud
and woods, moving me up a good 40 spots.
Then i finally got to ride the bike for awhile. Rock, rock single
track for miles. Just before the first check point i felt my tire
getting low and then bang... pinch flat. I have noting to fix the
flat, seeing how all my stuff is attached to my bike somewhere.
Lucky, the aid station had a tube and pump. Pumping up your tire
sucks, by the way. What irony i thought as people heckled me..arn't
you the co2 guy...piss off.
Now realizing i was so far off the back, all i wanted to do was
finish. Seeing that i have never riden the whole trail before, but
spent 6.30 hours trying.
Soon i found myself in the middle of the dirt road climb with another
flat. How the hell??? There goes my chance to finish. But, Thanks
to a fellow 29er with one of the oldest co2 inflators i was on my
way again. Thanks man!!
I guess the big accomplishment besides finishing, was that i cleaned
the "wildcat" the way steep and huge boulder area were the carnage
was spread wide and the masses stood to cheer it on.
AFter that the someone was telling to stop, you finished. All over
DAM!! I was told i was in the top 30 or something, but screw it..i
finished. It was time to find the endless flow booze and hope my
bike would find me. After two beers, i saw my bike ride by, and
yelled at the dude "is that you rig". He came over laughing and
i handed him a beer. I shared the story about how his bike sucked
and he said my bike fit him perfectly. Son of a bitch. After a little
more time talking it would appear that i took his bike first, for
the reason that they had moved my bike so far away and in the wood,
that the only way he found it is that he was the last one to leave
the start..hahahaha...very singlespeedey!!!!!!
All got justified at the post-race party. I received a $100
bottle of scotch for being the 1st place finisher on someone else's
bike and e got a kona frame for finishing on my bike. more singlespeedey!!
After the prize table was raided, the games began. The fireworks
loaded bike derby(your welcome) and the road is on fire skid contest.
you just had to be there!!!
New Zealand 06 ???? |
Yeah, the boy can write. Must have a lot of time on his hands or some
shit like that.
| |
From: Rosie O'Palm
Subject: Dirty bookstore
O Sultan of Single-Malt & Single-Speeding,
Fuck a bunch of war in Iraq and Tour champs on dope: We're talking
a major tragedy here:
sfgate.com/...BAtruck23.DTL
Cheers,
Rosie O'Palm
A Smelly, Sticky, Dark Video Booth Somewhere in California |
I've heard of dying with you boots on, but that is god damn ridiculous.
Imagine what they'd put on your headstone after that one…
| |
From: Tim
Subject: meth addicts like to disassemble bikes
This is seriously screwed up. I hope this big-ass link works:
canada.com/…+meth+bicycle
|
Looks like I should have been snorting meth back when I was working
as a mechanic…
| |
From: bike psyke
Subject: from cyclingnews.com
RE: the USPRO crit, august 21st:
cyclingnews.org/…results/USPROcrit054
"Once the trio stopped working at full-tilt, the twenty-five
second lead they had maintained dropped faster than George Bush
on a mountain bike" |
Sweet.
SSWC 2005 in the books. I'm working on a full write up, but it's getting
late in the day here in lazy hazy Bucks County. It's time I get friggin
something online. Even if I am on vacation.
There was, of course, a go-kart race at the end to decide the championship.
We at DC have decided to recognize the first across the line on the
bike.
And by "we" I mean me.
The men's winner was Jesse Lalonde, a twenty something powerhouse
from Wisconsin. He's a regional expert level rider on his second race
outside of Wisconsin. I'll say that again: This was his second time
racing outside of Wisconsin. The kid just beat Travis Brown into second.
Maybe Travis is getting ready for this years Colorado State cross series
where my man Big Tex is going to light him up like a... Well, lets just
wait for cross season, shall we?
Abby Hippely, a 25 year old pro for Maverick, was the fist across
the line for the ladies. The girl is so hot, her parents should have
named her July. And she's a fan of the site.
The course was a rock strewn hell intermixed with long fire road climbs
as smooth as a baby's ass. Being the punk bitch I am, I really enjoyed
the climbs so I could actually look around at the scenery and pedal
my bike. The rest of it just fucking killed me.
But it was a good killed. As it should be.
Big ups to Eric Roman and the rest of those assclowns that put this
thing together. You did a fine job and you should be damn proud of yourselves.
Good looking out, fellas.
| |
From: Dave
Subject: SSWC coverage
Hey Johnny,
I think these photos from Single Speed Worlds will be of interest
to you (from Monday's edition of the Centre Daily Times):
centredaily.com/mld/centredaily/12442705.htm
(Published in Monday's edition of the Centre Daily Times.)
|
I would be the tall fuck in yellow. Man, I just look fast, don't I?
Yeah right, I couldn't get out of my own way.
| |
From: Smiffy
Subject: No Subject
welcome home. im glad you made it. say, would you do me a huge favor?
the whole thing about rick hunter was a rumor a buddy started, and
weve all had a good laugh about it, but would you mind posting:
RICK HUNTER IS NOT MOVING TO CANADA. AT LEAST NOT YET.
HE IS, AS HE ALWAYS HAS BEEN, BUILDING FILIT BRAZED CUSTOM BIKES
IN NORTHERN CAKLIFORNIA.
HUNTERCYCLES.COM
bless you. |
Mark wrote in and said "This girl isn't hot
at all."
Yeah. And neither is this
one or that
one.
Dogs. All of 'em dogs.
Kinda makes a brother want to check out a little bit of the gnome
fest.
Hunter S. Thompson ashes were shot out of a canon
up in Aspen, Colorado.
A fine send off for a fine writer.
On that note, it's time I started drinking more of my old man's beer.
Getting ready to fly east for the Single Speed Worlds. I'm in about
the worst shape ever after Leadville. I can't imagine I'll be able to
get out of my own way this weekend. Oh well, we do it because it's fun,
right?
Whatever.
I have to get up in about five hours to make my flight. I've already
drank more beers tonight than I've had in the last three weeks combined.
Jesus, there has got to be a better way.
I've heard the course is tough. That you need big tires. And a low
gear.
Being the really smart mother fucker I am, I'm just going to show up
with whatever tires are already on my bike. And whatever gear. I pretty
much don't care.
I packed two bottles. One tube. A roll of glucose tabs. And three bars.
If that doesn't' get me to the first feed zone, I don't give a shit.
If I can remember tomorrow, I'll grab a camelback on the way out the
door.
| |
From: Bob
Subject: Leadville recap
Jonny,
Just read your Leadville story. Nine and a half hours puts you in
the "Porn Star" category of mountain bikers. Leadville can find
new and interesting ways to fuck with you every time. Glad to hear
you took another chunk of silver off Ken and Merrilee. |
I'm glad I got a nice chunk of silver off them too. Kinda makes it
all seem worthwhile.
Now I just need a big one.
| |
From: Racer
Subject: Leadville pics from racer
Got those pics of you up on my site. racerjared.com
|
Direct link to the pics here.
Racer takes a beating and keeps on coming. I still can't believe they
way he overhauled me on the Boulevard. I was feeling damn good. And
he showed me a clean set of something. Maybe it was boxer shorts?
Like I said over in Racer's comment section, the photos do not do that
hill justice. I was working hard in the granny, and it looks flat as
a board out there. Please let me assure you, that shit ain't flat.
| |
From: Drew
Subject: triumph over poop
Big Jonny-
Rocking race report. Leadville sounds like a good way to get rid
of money more properly allocated to rent, and time that should be
spent studying or working. Also, congratulations on fighting through
your intestinal distress. I've been in similar situations before,
but not when so much pride was on the line. One time I had to unleash
the fury during half-time of a meaningless pre-season lacrosse game,
but I knew jagermeister was to blame. It's amazing that you didn't
have to call in an airstrike during the actual race.
Today I had secretly complained about a particularly mastadonic
dump, resembling something out of a Jules Verne tale. Then I read
your dramatic report and thanked my lucky stars that I only had
to deal with the unexploded shell, not the shrapnel.
Hope all is good (and getting better) in DC Land. Take it sleazy.
|
I'm all about takin' it sleazy.
And speaking of dumps…
steelcitydragons.org
nytimes.com/2005/08/17/opinion/17dowd.html?8hpib
nytimes.com/2005/08/18/opinion/18herbert.html
tpmcafe.com/story/2005/8/18/03721/8483
1fg.org
ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2677713?htv=12&htv=12
da-drop.com
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4157628.stm
venganza.org
mycrazyvideos.com/video_popcorn_trick_54.html
spaces.msn.com/members/fatcyclist
| |
From: Smiffy
Subject: UPSIDE DOWN CROSS
1ST ANNUAL UPSIDE DOWN CROSS RACE. SATURDAY AUGUST 27TH
THIS IS A CROSS BIKE ONLY EVENT.
Register 9:00 am.
race starts at 10:00 from the bridge at the bottom of Aptos
Creek fire road.
Entry $6.66
We will meet at the entrance to Nisene Marks State Park. Be
sure to say your farewell's to Rick Hunter for this will be the
last race for him in America, he is moving to Canada. Good luck
Rick! There will be a post ride PARTY. |
I fucked up this link in the last update. Seems I can no longer write
coherent html code. Assuming, of course, that I ever could. Anyway,
read about the Panda.
How to you spell trainwreck?
Bush and Rummy no longer so chummy?
From worldnetdaily.com/news/...
"Bush drew applause from the thousands gathered at the Washington
Convention Center by calling for an overhaul of the tax code, a national
energy bill and permanent tax relief - accusing the Democrats of blocking
them all.
"They stand for nothing except obstruction, and this is not leadership,"
Bush said. "It is the philosophy of the stop sign, the agenda of the
road block, and the country and our children deserve better."
The fun just never ends up in here. Hittin' hard like your very own
office linebacker.
pezcyclingnews.com/?pg=fullstory&id=3397
mycrazyvideos.com/video_big_knockers_178.html
tbogg.blogspot.com
parisbusinessreview.com
huffingtonpost.com
thinkprogress.org
blogs.salon.com/0002762
| |
From: CW
Subject: Can a mofo get an update up in this bitch?
Suuuup. Long time reader, first time writer. I really enjoy the
site, but when the hell are you going to update? The race was a
couple of days ago. Hopefully you're not dead b/c I'd sad knowing
there's one less person to help expose the bitch that is Ann Coulter.
|
Coutler… Shudder…
On to Leadville, because, as they say, that's
a fucking big story.
We left town early on Thursday morning. A quick stop for a breakfast
burrito the size of my forearm and we were rocking. I had Jackass Justin,
Bensy and the Gnome up in the Big Gray Whale.
Point that shit north, homie.
I got this guy handing me bottles: Panda.
He hates the name Panda. He'd rather be called "Jackass". Go figure,
the fucker. Good thing he's a man of iron behind the wheel. 'Cause I'm
getting soft in my old age.
Ol' Jackass rode Cochise self supported last year. You think he's going to listen to
me bitch about my measly little issues at Leadville?
Yeah, me neither.
He wants to see me die. And it seems he just may get his wish.
I spend the night before the event feeling a bit nervous and restless.
Some of the other folks were hitting the sack at 8:00 pm. I'm nowhere
near ready to go to sleep. My bike is dialed, food sorted, clothes for
any weather packed in a small bag. Rain, sleet or snow, I'm going. I'm
prepared for Armageddon is seems. Still thought, 8:00 pm seems a bit
early. Bensy saves the day with a lap top and quiver of DVDs. We kick
back in the van and chill out.
About half way through some Kung-Fu flick, I'm feeling a full blown
shit storm brewing up in my guts. And I mean just what I say: Shit storm.
This is trouble. This is now.
We pause the flick and I hobble over to the bathroom. I release the
mud valve and blow most of my colon all over the porcelain. Oh Jesus.
Save me. What did I eat?
While I'm sitting there losing ten pounds, Bensy takes the second
stall and proceeds to do much the same thing. What did we eat?
God damn shithole restaurant we were at earlier, no doubt. Gringo's.
Those bastards have poisoned me. I now know Gnomie was also experiencing
the fun and laughter which is intestinal distress. He's just better
at keeping those types of things to himself than I am.
I punch out more ass lava before turning in the for the night about
10:00 pm.
I wake up at 5:00 am. I lay there for a minute, roll over and fart.
So far, so good. I feel ready. I'm rested, I'm hungry and I'm ready
to race.
I crawl forward and sit on one of the captain chairs. Sorting through
my clothes, which I've already laid out last night, I lift up my left
butt cheek to rip another one. I proceed shit all over myself.
Yep. I'm fucked. I'm wide awake now. No hint of sleepiness here. I
got a boxer short full of mud and am no longer having fun. Oh, I'm happy
about it all right. Real happy. I clean up as best I can with paper
towels. Thank God I bought those moist towelette wipey things yesterday.
They'll come in real handy in a situation such as this. I throw my underwear
in the trash on my way back over to the bathroom.
I'm crapping out water for the third time in less than ten hours. I'm
shitting out the world. And, now I'm pissed. I'm really pissed. I've
been waiting a whole year to come back and kick Leadville's ass. Instead,
a bean burrito at some craphouse named Gringo's is kicking my ass.
I've never been happier in all my years. Two hundred dollar entry
fee, all that training, coming all the way up here just to catch a case
of the Kentucky Quickstep. Man, am I living the dream or what?
I pray it's over, get dressed, eat breakfast, put bottles on my bike,
fill my pockets with whatever I need to get over the first two hills
and to the first feed zone. I'm sitting in the van with the engine running
and the heat on. Jackass hits me off with some Immonium AD. He always
comes prepared. Sure, I've got spare tubes, extra gloves, shoe covers,
that sort of thing. But I certainly wasn't prepared for this. And who
would be? Do you plan on shitting yourself before your biggest event
of the year?
We're just about ready to ride up to the start line, Snake, Gnome
and I. And, wouldn't you know it, I have to run down and shit out my
guts again. When is this stuff going to start working? Not soon enough
it seems. I roll up a good chunk of toilet paper and put it in a plastic
sandwich bag. You know, just in case in need it later. Jackass waves
the "silver bullet" at me. Some evil looking suppository he
claims will save the day. I figure not sticking things in my ass has
got me this far, might as well stay the course.
I get it together and we head into town.
The Gnome is looking to give it some stick. Make up for last years
DNF by tearing some poor bastards legs off. I'm going to make good and
sure I'm no where near him when the bombs start dropping.
Which, if last year is any indication, ought to be about 10 minutes
into the race when we hit the first major climb of the day, Saint Kevin's.
I'll stay at the front through the pavement, up front where its safe,
then I'm getting the hell out of Dodge.
Last year I made it to the base of Kevins with the front, and then
settled in a rhythm. This year is was fast and stupid all the way out
of town. Much faster and stupider than last year. I wanted to stay out
of trouble and not get caught behind any bottlenecks. Of course, once
we hit the climb, I will be the bottleneck.
For I am a single point of failure.
I was close enough to the front (like in first ten) to see Nat
Ross strip his vest off all slow like while he rode at the head
of affairs and then toss it on the side of the road like it ain't no
thing. A souvenir for a lucky fan no doubt. I'm giving him the Roberto
Gaggioli Hair Farmer award for the day. Good looking out Nat.
Me, I'll be wearing my vest because it's not much above freezing out
here.
The second pavement turn, a 90 degree right, is a cluster fuck as
one of our fellow racers hasn't quite figured out the whole "follow
the wheel in front of you" thing. He come out way wide, pushing into
the guy next to him, who happens to be right next to me. No one goes
down, but it was enough to make you think what it'd be like to have
your day ended early.
Gnome is in the row behind this mess, and he lets Mr. Can't Turn have
an earful. I crack a smile and forget about putting the guy in the bushes.
There is nothing quite like the way an Angry Garden Gnome can spread
the love.
We hit the dirt and Snake's Innovations
Big Air cartridges immediately launches of the back of his bike. I see
it bounce along the road and down the group. And, I actually think about
trying to pick it up as I gave it to him yesterday. I quickly abandon
the idea, and the Big Air, as stopping in this fast moving herd would
spell certain doom. Maybe the same guy who ends up with Nat Ross's vest
will also end up with a nice Innovations Big Air?
Since I'm already riding way to hard for an all day event, I start
to back off. No need to pretend I can ride with the leaders of this
one, chappy. I drift back and let others try to match the pace of the
sub-eight hour crowd. It will get hard enough soon. I've got a heart
rate monitor for the sole reason of not digging to deep early in the
event. And by the looks of things, I'm already going to far.
Up the first climb, down by Turquoise Lake, back up and over Sugarloaf
Mountain, bomb down Powerline. It's all a blur to me now as I type this.
Then it took me two hours.
I roll into the first feed zone feeling pretty good. Jackass hands
me two fresh bottles and lets me know I'm a little bit slower this year,
eight minutes off last years time. I tell him last years result is nothing
to shoot for and head out.
By the second feedzone I'm fifteen minutes up. The third, forty minutes.
It keeps going like this. Course knowledge and an exceptionally better
food and hydration plan are making all the difference. This year I know
when to go hard, and when I can go easy.
And, since people are already asking me, I used a lot of products make
by Enervit. It's expensive stuff and it works. What, are you going to
drop $220 on an entry fee, hundreds more on gas and lodging, and then
go cheap on the food? Not this fat ass, I'm going top shelf all the
way. Except that I drive an '89 GMC van and I'm staying in a campground.
Ok, top shelf on the food then.
Columbine sucks moose cock. I make it over. There was some walking.
But then again, everyone has to walk at Leadville sometime. I don't
care who you are, you ain't riding all of that one.
I talked to a guy on the way up who was on his third "try".
I asked him about that, and he said last year was 12:03.
Damn.
He was from Florida. And he looked pretty fit. I guess the altitude
(10,000 feet) kicks his ass. I wished him well.
I talked to another guy out on his seventh ride. He's 40 something
years old, got 5 kids, and he drops me. i saw him a few times later
in the day and make sure to say hi.
It works like that back in the bunch. You keep seeing some of the same
people throughout the day. Most of them are cool, say hi, how are you
doing, etc. Some are dicks. And those are the guys you try really hard
to get rid of. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
And so it goes.
I come down off the Columbine climb and into the feedzone. I'm feeling
a tad barfy. I went a little crazy at the top, ate two cookies and took
a handful of gels. I'm sorry, but vanilla power gels are the fucking
worst thing ever. They burn my throat and make me nauseous. But, not
eating was an even worse idea. So I ate. Three of them on the way down.
Ugh, what a feeling.
Jackass handed me two bottles full of dark liquid. I figured he mixed
up some grape Gatorade, or something like that. I figured wrong.
I rode about ten minutes, took a long pull of the bottle and puked
in my mouth. Straight coke. Two bottles of it.
I ended up pouring one out on the ground and nursing the other till
the next feedzone. It sucked. I had to ride slowly for awhile to get
my stomach back in order. And some doochebag I worked hard to get ride
of got back up to me.
At the next feedzone, Jackass was like, oh, I didn't mean to give you
those bottles. Well, what did you mean to give me? Why don't you just
kick me in the balls next time? I was far too busy to get mad or hold
a grudge, so I took two fresh bottles and headed out. I had the rest
of an awful race to think about. Up ahead was my arch nemesis, the Powerline
Climb. I hate that fucking whore.
I've been thinking about that one for a full year. That's where I really
started to fall apart last time out. It starts with a steep, relentless,
rutted out and loose slog straight up the hillside. Then it mellows
out, and rolls around a bit before totally and completely fucking with
your mind. There are at least four false summits. Maybe even five. Mind
fucks, all of 'em. All I know is I could remember just three from riding
down the hill the other way earlier in the day. Seems I counted wrong,
because after three, I wasn't done yet.
I caught up to a guy and we chatted a bit. He told me he pre-rode this
section and this was the last roller. I told him it had better be or
I was going to start crying like a six year old girl.
It wasn't the top.
And I cried.
I made it over that mother, met up with Jackass one more time out near
Turquoise lake, got one more bottle and settled in to getting over St.
Kevins.
I saw a kid they call "Race" on the climb. He was f'n around taking
pictures. The skinny bastard, he caught, passed and dropped me on the
one of the steeper sections. After taking my photo. He's 6 foot 6, 165
pounds. I, on the other hand, am 6 foot 4 and 200 pounds. I caught back
up to him on the downhill as he was taking his dear sweet time and taking
the corners like a friggin grandmother heading to bingo night. As I
passed him I said, "Race? I'm going to start calling you 'Brake' from
now on."
I think he liked that. Yeah, I'm sure he did. Because he stayed with
me all the way over to the Boulevard where he dropped me like a three
foot putt. Again.
The Boulevard is a dead-straight-into-a-headwind dirt road. At least
once you're there, it means you're almost done. And the first time I
stand up on the pedals I feel the tell-tale lower abdominal cramping
that means only one thing: The shit train is coming into the station.
I can see Race (or, Brake) up the road, working hard to catch the next
guy. I'm just going to sit here and turn these pedals, thank you very
much. I really don't want to shit myself twice in one day. The stomach,
whatever, settles down after about eight or ten minutes of gurgling
and churning about. I really thought I might have screwed myself by
getting rid of the toilet paper at the last feedzone.
I thought I wouldn't need it. I thought I was past the danger. Now
I thought I might be finishing this things with one sock.
Better than not finishing at all, I suppose. But not by much.
I finish in 9 hours, 34 minutes and 22 seconds.
I feel pretty good about it. I did then and I do now. I came back
to Leadville with something to prove. That fucking race tore me a new
asshole last year. It beat me up badly. This year, I wanted to come
back and show that fucker what I'm made of.
I took an hour and forty minutes off my previous time. And I was able
to walk when it was over. Although I did end up, not ten minutes after
I finished, sitting in a porta-potty with my jacket, helmet and gloves
in my lap, eating ramen out of paper cup, as my bowels purged themselves
yet again.
I wouldn't exactly call that a race day highlight.
I don't know what it was that hammered my insides, but it got me pretty
good. Thank God I didn't have to stop and shit during the race. Lucky
me.
One pair of broken sunglasses and two dropped chains. That's it. I
really can't complain.
Gnomie's got a good write up of his race, and a fine pic of the big
man coming up the finishing straight over at his site. onespeeder.com
Ladies and Gentlemen: The one and only Ron Hudson, aka Ron Hightower,
aka Hudson Hawk, aka Marco Velo.
| |
From: Marco Velo
Subject: Better late than never
yeah, you know it...
it's me...
back again for the first time ya muthafuckers!
...so, i've gotten just a grip of emails this year asking what's
crackin with me. you know...what i'm doing...who i'm doing...why
i'm not writing anymore.
why aren't you racing? are you ok? couldn't find a job, eh?
etc, etc, etc. well...me be droppin some knowledge on y'all right
now, feel me?
me is actually sitting in the massiv LAX right now waiting to
GO TO WORK! that's right kids, i'm back to italia, and joining
my new team acqua e sapone - adria (or water & soap to you non-italian-speakers).
it's a DII italian squad and some of you might know it from when
mario cipollini rode for them in 2002 when it was a&s-cantina
tollo. and perhaps that freddie rodriguez rode for them last year.
and no, our kits no longer have tiger stripes--thankfully cipo
took that pattern with him to domina vacanze in 03. and it's not
exactly the same as last year with freddie, but it's a good, solid
squad and that's good enough for me. there's a few riders that
i really like who i am going to get a chance to learn from--and
that's cool.
never heard of acqua & sapone? man...i don't give a fuck! have
you ever heard of naturino? lpr? how about francesco casagrande?
he's on naturino...so is filipo simeoni. pavel tonkov? dimitri
konyshev? they're both on lpr. so is mikhalyo khalilov (my teammate
from ICET last season) who beat out bo hamburger (my new teammate)
and dario frigo in a bad-ass sprint last year to win a race. when
i told someone (who i consider to be "in the loop" of the pro
cycling game) that i was really looking forward to meeting rinaldo
nocentini and mariano piccoli, they were like "who?" man...i just
can't believe how many people have no concept of how good these
"no name" guys in italy are. even the shittiest italian team is
full of great riders. think simeoni is a joke? i raced against
him last year, and can tell you firsthand that he is one bad mutha.
put him in redlands, 'toona, gila, cascade, etc. and he would
fucking work everyone. no...he's not lance armstrong, but who
the hell is?
my shit is straight up tight, but for right now i ain't much
for that flight. man...it's just freakin unnatural cramped up
in that small-ass seat for like 14 hours!!! and just to make sure
you go TOTALLY insane, Lufthansa has this little digital display
that shows your plane's position on the flight path--along with
the kms to your destination. there's no brain-fuck like knowing
that you're over nova scotia and you still have 15.000 km to go...
but really, on the serious tip...
when i came to the US from italy after last season, i had some
big decisions to made. my professional goals were to establish
a career for myself riding in europe--namely italy (which i consider
to be the epicenter of all things cycling...don't agree? write
your own fucking email.)--so i was well pleased that i was on
the way. man i just loved italy...to me it was home: the pace
of life, the land, the culture, the people, the love for cycling.
i knew i wanted to live there--not just race there. to further
my life, i took my father's name (actually "re-took", as it was
my birth name), started using my middle name "gianmarco" or "marco";
and--as my dad was born in italy--applied for and got my italian
citizenship. i am at peace with this. if you think it's weird
or some other fucked-up negative thing...cool. that's your opinion,
and you have the right to be wrong.
now, in case you don't know, before last year, i owned 1/2 a
yogurt shop. and i also had a grandfather who is nearly 95-years
and has alzheimer's.
my mom owned the other 1/2 of the store--managing it also. however,
she also has been a 24-hour-a-day caregiver for my grandpa. so...after
i came to tucson last november the store was a complette fucking
mess (as the inmates were running the asylum, since my mom was
never there). something had to be done, so i acquired the other
half and set to making it perfect (which it now is), and helping
my mom with taking my grandpa to doctor's appts, hanging out with
him when she had to do something, etc. i had a choice to make:
go back to italy and race my bike, or be accountable to my family.
it wasn't a very difficult choice. i lived on my own from the
time i was 15-or-so, and was always up to no good: gangs, crime,
drugs, etc...but my family was always there for me 100%. it was
my time to give back. so i made the decision to stay in tucson
for the year. not race. fix the store. and help my mom. i have
dedicated my life to cycling...i don't just train, i have fucking
dedicated my life to cycling, and here i was: on the cusp of really
doing my thing. but i knew what the right thing to do was--and
what was really important.
next, i telephoned my director from ICET and told him what was
up. ICET had pulled their sponsorship, and a new sponsor, Ceramica
Flaminia, would be backing the team in 05. He assured me that
if and when shit got straight here, i would have a spot on the
CF Pro Team. so, it was like sitting on a winning lottery ticket.
i knew i could go whenever i wanted, but i would not go until
i was 100% convinced that the store was on-point and my mom had
as little worries as possible. yeah, there were a shitload of
times i was real frustrated...and jealous when i'd read about
the races in italy. and...i fucking hate it here in the states.
but it all paled in comparison to what i knew was my responsibility.
so...about 1 1/2 months ago...i sent my mom to the spa for a
week, grandpa's got a new physical therapist and nurse. the store
is 100% down. got 6 employees and 2 no-shit manager...the cheddar
is good too. time to go race...so i call simone borgheresi and
he tells me that they just signed 3 or 4 guys in the past month
(which i already knew) and that there's no paper for me. it's
true--he wasn't blowing smoke up my ass--and it wasn't his fault.
dude is a straight-up bad ass cat and always true to his word.
so, dude was like all apologetic and shit and said he'd do what
he could to help me out. that's how i came to get a deal with
water & soap. brother man hooked me up...and even though it's
only through the rest of this year, at least i'm riding.
and even though sitting out this year was a bit frustrating,
it really helped me put my career into perspective. it gave me
some time to reflect on the things that have happened and i have
done over the past 3 years. and i've got to say that stepping
away from racing has really given me appreciation for a lot of
shit i took for granted, and i can truly say that i've got a lot
to be grateful for. i realize how nice it is to make a buck riding
a bike, but i also realize that it's just a job; and life is what's
real. so...i just want to give out some big ups to some folks
who have had an impact on my cycling "life"...
but...before we get to that, let's go over the rules once again.
i know it's been a while...and, shit, some of y'all weren't even
on last year's mailer, so let's not get this twisted...
1. if you don't want to get these, emails, i dont want you on
my fucking list. so holler at me and i'll cut you out.
2. i don't give a fuck about grammar, punctuation or shit like
that. i dnot fucking spellcheck, so don't email me with you proofreading.
3. if you're easily offended...well, fuck, you probably don't
want to be on my list. i say a lot of nasty shit, cuss a lot,
and generally dont give a fuck. but if you do give a fuck, that's
cool. holla at your boy and you off the list...dig? but you might
be saying "yo, marco, how do i know if i'm easily offended?" ok,
answer these three simple questions:
"there once was a man from nantucket..." can you take it from
here?
apart from star wars, do you know of anyone named luke skywalker?
fuck, shit, dick, pussy, cocksucker, mutherfucker, asshole,
toss my salad, fuckhead, dickhead, asswipe, cunt, wanker, bugger,
shitass, bitch. bullocks, nutsack, megawank, etc. do you use
these words in everyday conversation?
if you answered "no" to any of these questions, you will definitely
be offended by my shit,
4. we don't hardly ever talk about cycling...unless it is
ina patronizing, sarcastic, or irreverent setting.
5. this emals are not for your enjoyment, they are for me to
pass my time.
ya feel me?
big ups: simone-for the job. ralph phillips-tires, tubes,
and trust. pat fetzer-getting me a start, nathan deibert-fucking
still laying it the fuck down, gregg germer-hard work does pay...this
cat is a fucking PRO CYCLIST, gabriele-hai la bici?, mike jones.
who? mike jones. who? mike jones-for the pic...that's BIG PIMPIN
baby velonews.com/view_full.php?image=/images/news/6795.8834.f.jpg,
tommy d-4 getting the fuck outta FB, drew miller-all the advice,
alexei pavlov-telling me how to cuss out my teammates in russian,
paul thomas-4 keepin it moist, big jonny & DC-livewrong, baby.
just do it!, rob alv-for making the right choice, bill laudien-being
a standup cat...even if i didn't like it...no more 2am drunkdialing
ok?, larry p-you'll always be a pro to me...really, gord f-advice,
AdamHM-for talking to me at solano, javi HOVA-talking and being
a bitch, chris horner (don't know him)-you a fuckin man, 2nd
is the same as 102nd, mikhaly khalilov-thanks for the nutella,
sella-per fammi suffrire ai media brenta, mike FUCKING mcgee-man,
we seen some shit, eh mate? saw where basti got the ticket on
the champs during tv coverage, prengel-bike bag, baby...get
it back to you soon, franca/bar-a-onda-putting up mio articulo,
bruno-te piace snoop dogg? chi? snoop dog muthafucker! giada-inn
my dreams, dad-e bouna incontrarti ancora, mom-(she doesn't
read this shit) per tutte, and to everyone who ever told me
i couldnt drive my bike...you were right. but yaint now mutherfuckers...
ok... now i have to go , but i'll write more |
Well, I leave tomorrow for Leadville. Nice knowing all of you.
Time to let 'er rip early:
forums.mtbr.com/showthread.php?t=120837
gprior.eskilade.com/gallery/2005_0805-EricWhistler
chasemeladies.blogspot.com
focusonyourchild.com/develop/art1/A0000684.html
fafblog.blogspot.com/...how-to-tell-how-gay-your-gay-son-is
gprior.eskilade.com/gallery
Listen up, minions:
| |
From: anthony
Subject: Single Speed Race
Big Johnny-
Let all yer minions know about the bike race we are putting on on
Saturday, August 20th here in Flagstaff. The single speed class
is 3-9 mile laps only. All proceeds go to the Care and Share Food
Bank. check it
|
I did the race last year, and it was a good one. Nice course to. Check
it out here.
In fact, the whole mountain bike festival is fun.
| |
From: Maria
Subject: What is DC and why does my son love it so much?
Recently, my 15 year old son started reading your web site. At 1st
we pretended not to notice because he loves bikes and there are
some bikes on the site. However, there is smut and a lot of references
to drinking and gayness. In addition, it seems that some dangerous
people read this site and write colorful yet wrong minded opinions
about politics and a variety of other subjects. I think that at
this point you're sending the wrong message. I have seen a change
in my "special little man", and it is not good. "LIVE WRONG" bands
on his wrists, a bicycle that doesn't coast any more that almost
castrated his father, punk rock, shaved legs. Even worse, now his
father reads DC constantly, claiming that he is doing "research".
What's next? It seems that I cannot control what my family does
or does not look at on the internet, but I am appealing to you to
clean up your act and set a good example for your younger readers.
I feel that you are in a great position to have a positive impact
on many impressionable young minds.
Sincerely,
Maria S
p.s. why is your email "bigjonny"? Is that some sick reference
or your actual name? |
Look at it this way, at least your son isn't gay.
You can thank me later.
| |
From: Kark
Subject: no subject
Hey, big news! My 1/2 dozen anxiously awaited livewrong bracelets
arrived yesterday. ..or rather the United Parasite Service sticker
arrived on the door. Indicating a mere $21.85 due in "brokerage-and-bending-poor-punters-over-the
sink charges". Howz that for for an ass fucking? The whole purchase
was like $25 bones with currency conversion an all, (and a acceptable
price for an impulse lark), but somehow they figure damn near doubling
it is o.k. and it's all of a sudden nearing up on 50 bucks for a
1/2 dozen bracelets.
feckin arses.
[it should be noted quickly and completely that in know way
am I bent out of shape at you or yours. You're doing the good
work and please keep it up. The world needs more of you. and maybe
me too, but that might confuse the wife..]
Anyway, the sticker indicating 2nd attempt was on the door this
evening when I got home and it spiked the rage meter to 11 again
even though I knew what it would say. (Brokerage C.O.D. $21.85)
they'll make a 3rd attempt tomorrow too. fuckem. I hope Mr brown
stubs his smelly toe on my step. That'll likely be the last attempt
then I'll have to go get it at the depot, but not before having
to call to make arrangement etc. I'm o.k. with that as the depot
is on the way home and I want them to handle it and use up as
much of their resource as possible on this clusterfuck.
After they've given up on handling it is when my fun starts.
For 21.85 I'm gonna get my pound of flesh outta whoevers on the
phone and across the counter from me. yeah, I know they're the
'little guy' and have nothing to do with it on a larger picture
and god luvem I do feel a little sorry for them, but they're the
face of the monster that I have to take a swat at, and I'm hoping
if i can shine a little light on the injustice, they'll despise
their employer for a day and steal a pile of stationary for their
kids science project to balance out the shit day. ..Then maybe
someone sees the staples and paper and tape getting piled into
mr colleagues car and figures it's his turn too, so they fire
a pile of free gear into the family truckster too.
queue the snowball effect.
yep, butterfly flaps his wings and and pretty soon hundreds of
dollars worth of juniors homework gets picked up by the gouging
bastards that are UPS and woo hoo! I'm gettin back at the man.
As to the phone call I already know what they'll say on the
phone (before I dust off my sailor tongue). They'll say administration
costs are the same regardless of the package worth/size blah blah
blah.
fuck off. No other company gouges to the same degree (I've ordered
a pile of mail order bike parts so have experience with most of
the carriers) and how is it then that US Postal (bike sponsors,
Yay for them!) are able to provide the same service in the same
timeframe for a TINY FRACTION of the cost??!!? - I'm gonna scream
that part so the poor little girl workin the phones is gonna be
absolutely scrambling to get that freaking headset off her damaged
ears.
anyway, thats my rant. the executive summary is UPS sucks. If
you need to do anything cross border stay the hell away from these
gypos. |
Real men wear
black.
And do check out the new
stuff for the ladies.
Tonight joke:
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard
the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you
sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause
we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went inand told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you
are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with
your train...but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding,
remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have pleasant
and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen".
| |
From: Dejay
Subject: torn & quenched
the gate way to the west? what if i'm headed east? who makes the
rules anyway?
a nice little ride was had in a place called West Tyson County
Park on the Chub Trail. This is just out side of St.Louis, Mo.
It consists of a 7 mile out and back, with some techy single and
wide open double tracks. The ride started out a little on the
tippsy side. Maybe it was all the sake that Jake and myself drank
at the sushi party the night before, who knows. Anyway, with less
that a mile into the ride jake had fallen over twice, for apparently
no reason at all. We finally got our grove on once the rocky single
started up. Only to be stopped by jake's pinch flat(dam tubes).
After the fix it was on to the "stair case" sweet natural layout
of rocks that gives you many opps to how hi you want to drop off.
Then after the turn around, i guess it was time for my demise.
Coming down the backside of the "stair case" i ripped my front
sidewall. Fixxed thanks to good ol' inno tire plugs. SWEET!! Then
another 1/2 mile the rear fucker ripped on me (dam tubeless).
Only a gel rapper would do this time. and my inflator broke inflating
the tire. so on a half filled tire i was able to limp back to
the rv for a cold one. ARN"T RIDES GREAT!!!!!
toughguyproductions.com
come join the largest series in the world, i mean universe.
please send this to all others that would be interested.
thanks, now go ride your bike and get ready!!!!!!!!!! |
Word.
| |
From: Bert
Subject: Peta and Karma
Hey Big Johnny, You can't buy back Karma by donating money, especially
to PETA, those fucked up people who don't want me to eat meat, wear
leather or even have a pet. Check out this site and then tell me
what you think of those shitbags and if you would want to give them
one cent.
petakillsanimals.com
Lucus's karma will be OK. He expressed true remorse and regret
and that's enough for me. |
Word.
| |
From: Bill
Subject:
Big Jonny,
Long-time watcher. Enjoy it every day. Thanks!
Here's a different one for you. I keep track of things like
this, after a few silly years of riding ultra-marathon bike races
(road, not rock. You guys are nuts!).
swimjimswim.org/eventupdates.htm#eventupdates
It's not cycling, but you have to give that guy major props.
I'm hoisting my refreshing Samuel Adams Summer Ale to his effort.
Sweating my balls off in Tokyo.. |
I sure did take my time getting another update together. I guess you
could say I've been busy. Life will do that to you sometimes. I don't
think I even took a look at email once this past weekend.
Ok, maybe once.
I got a new bike together. A pretty good pile of food ready to go.
Got the oil changed in the Big Gray Whale. Shit is ready to rock.
I've got so much nervous energy, I built up a new fixed gear on Sunday.
I had an old Fondriest frame I picked up from Nik the Dick, some parts
and way to much time to start worrying about shit.
And sitting in front of the computer just wasn't going to help. I imagine
I'll be updating a bit more in about another week.
I'm sure I'll also be drinking a whole lot more. It's time to get back
in the saddle. Or off the wagon. Drown me in a river of whiskey.
Whiskey river take my mind...
| |
From: Alley Oop
Subject: Lame ass fuck
Still not feelin the links?
Feel this you lame ass fuck. Some of us washed rejects rely
on these links. So get of your ass and dig us up some fuckin candy.
If not for us then at least do it for Dave. |
Ok, I did it for Dave.
A list of links a dump does make.
wired.com
fray.slate.msn.com/?id=3936&m=15284761
rotten.com/library/language/the-finger/shocker
mycrazyvideos.com/video_sexy_beast_170.html
theagitator.com/archives/024509.php#024509
clickondetroit.com/news/4815844/detail.html
worldometers.info
"It's always good to remind voters that Democrats are the party of
abortion, sodomy and atheism..." Ann Coulter.
I'll take that as a compliment, thank you very much.
| |
From: bruce
Subject: music
Hey
Love your website.
Do yourself a favor and go hear Bob Log III on August 12th at the
Monte Vista in Flagstaff. He is a solo artist, wears a helmet, and
no one really knows what the guy looks like. Check out more info
at fatpossum.com.
Thanks, let me know what you think.
Bruce from Minneapolis |
I'd be checking the old boy out if I wasn't heading up to Leadville,
Colorado. Seems I'm going to knock my dick totally and completely in
the dirt.
'Cause I like it.
God damn I'm fucking stupid.
| Thursday, August 4, 2005 |
| still not feeling the links… |
Happy God damn Thursday. Rode this morning. At least that went well.
The schedule said "two hours easy". Hey, I can do that.
Oh hell. One more weekend and I face the music. Leadville looming
large on the horizon. Don't ask for whom the bells tolls…
It tolls for thee.
Swing that shit like a mother fucking bat:
soccernet.espn.go.com/...5901
yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story...leisure_boxoffice_dc
birdparty.blogspot.com
thesmokinggun.com/archive/0729051strip1.html
cafehayek.typepad.com/...on_sweatshop_wa.html
gameandfishmag.com/hunting/big-game-hunting/...
bicycleframes.com
altituderacing.com/MTB.html
| |
From: Wheelcats
Subject:
Hi,
Lucas, you are on the right track. Your Karma is not fucked. If
you want to save it you can make a donation to peta.org,
and/or become vegetarian. Don't worry, you will still be able to
kick ass on the bike as a vegetarian, and you can still have potato
chips, cupcakes and beer. It's a good life. I know about these things.
|
Potato chips, cupcakes and beer. You been looking in my cabinets,
mother fucker? How'd you get up in my house?
Oh yeah, the bitch dog pushed the screen out and went on tour again.
You unsubtly came right through the wide open window.
Shit bro, leave a few beers in the fridge next time, eh? It's like
Big Gay Randy style: Bleed a brother dry.
Nah. I'm lying. He came through with a bottle of TanquerayTen the
other day. That is the real deal right there.
Martinis with Randini.
God damn June Bug is one funny chick.
| |
From: EKM
Subject: Re: SUV vs. 15 year old
Here's more info:
startribune.com/stories/462/5540745.html
Family is offering a $10,000 reward for information leading
to arrest. The kid has two skull fractures. He's in guarded condition
at the hospital. |
Thanks for the update.
| |
From: Charles
Subject: Yo big jonny
Yo,
A long time reader and only my second time writing you. (My first
writing was to inform you I went to my first strip club.) This time
I got nothing as important to say other than I still love the site
after all these years. Keep it up!
By the way, I'm planning on doing my first Cyclo-cross race
this fall. |
Good luck with those cross races. That is something I've yet to try.
Call me a big fucking pussy, 'cause that shit looks hard.
| |
From: Aaron
Subject: reasons to keep riding
Lately, I've been wondering, "What am I doing with my life," Where
am I going," "Does my life have meaning?", that sort of business.
Sticking my nose to the grindstone, taking capitalism to the mat,
all the while feeling a vague spiritual emptiness, considering renouncing
my paganism, heading back for the straight and narrow. And then
I rode my bike. Suddenly all those questions became vacuous and
insipid. I had several near-death experiences, pedaled till my legs
burned, my lungs wheezed and I fell off my bike and collapsed on
the grass.
I started out to work after breakfast at McDonalds, darting
across four lanes of traffic to arrive behind a stack of cars
sluggishly awakening to the green light. Momentum is the key to
surviving in traffic on a bicycle and all other laws are subordinate
to this single, over-arching One. I swing out into the left turn
lane, leapfrog two cars, span an opening, weave back in, then
split lanes between a sedan and a dump truck. I pedal like mad,
gain on the dump truck and swing into his lane, cutting off the
many-tonned behemoth with my 175 pounds of pedaling fury. Up the
overpass, spinning like wide-open weed eater, screaming curses
at my bike for not shifting fast enough, "SHIFT MOTHERFUKKKKAARRRR!!!!"
Down the overpass and no one's moving at the red light, so I keep
the hammer down. The lights are not what you watch in situations
like this - you watch the people in the cars - look at their faces,
judging their reaction time. In the time while they are daydreaming,
trying to remember whether they put on deodorant, turned off the
iron, or paid the water bill, you can be through their green light.
Especially if it's downhill. Going up Wedington Dr. is a long,
gradual climb, one where you can sit and spin, doing your best
Lance impersonation. There are no lights going up from my side,
but several on the downhill side. I hit them all green, though
the last one is barely changing as I split lanes through the intersection.
I'm racing on the double yellow next to an explorer when I click
for a downshift and my chain falls off. My pedals spin uselessly
and I look down, "Whaaa...?" then realize the stupidity of it.
I look back up, the chain catches, and I resume my heart-pounding
tempo. The Explorer is thoroughly confused by this point, and
I swing across him into the right lane for the ascent up North
Street. North is a steep bitch of a climb (the North Face, haha)
and I'm grateful for the granny ring I usually worry makes me
look like a Fred. Now I'm lovin' it and spinnin' it for all its
worth. By the time I make it our job on Park Street, I am panting
like a sprinting basset hound. I lay spread-eagled on the grass
and watch the trees sway against while my breathing slows to cardiac
arrest. Damn, that was a good start to the day.
After work, I'm barreling down Dickson to see Sarah Hughes play
at Bensons. Just through the green light at Dickson and Arkansas,
a car tries a left turn in front of me. I swerve and miss their
bumper by inches, locking up the rear and letting it drift sideways
for a bit more clearance. I make the light at West and pass three
cars going up hill, riding into oncoming traffic. I try riding
to the right, but the cars are squeezing me to the kerb. Pass
one an Acura SUV, swing between him and BMW to the double yellow,
where I feel safer. People pay a lot more attention to you there.
Except for the Ram Quad Cab trying to turn down a side street.
The huge white flanks and 20 inch wheels fill my field of vision.
I learn the trust ol' Diamondback over as far as she'll go, imagining
what impact will feel like - the moment when everything stops,
there's a smack of metal on metal, flesh on metal that comes a
second or so after impact and sudden, Zen moment of beautiful
stillness before everything erupts into chaos once again. Instead
there's a screech of tires as he locks up his brakes, I manage
to swerve inside him and make the relative safety of the sidewalk,
pumping my way up the patio where Sarah is playing, my heart pumping
much faster than in normally would on such a mellow climb.
I settle down on the patio with a Boulevard Wheat just as Sarah
is taking set break. Rain clouds are moving in, barely visible
in the night, except when illuminated by flashes of lighting and
known by the scent of moisture in the gusting breezes. I'm edgy
and uneasy, at the thought of riding home in a storm. I pick up
my bag to leave, put it back down, shift in my chair, finish my
beer. Several friends offer me a ride home, but I don't want to
use up those tickets too quickly. So I pet the bar cat with one
ear mangled and half-gone before saddling up and announcing to
the cowboys hanging outside, "I'm gonna go be a mobile lighting
rod." Up Dickson and across campus goes pretty well. But by the
time I make to Cleveland and make the steep drop in the dark down
the Sang, the flashes of lighting coming closer together, brighter
and more violent. I drop into my pseudo time-trial position, slide
up the nose of the saddle and making like it's the hour of truth
thru the barricades. The rain hits me about five blocks from home,
tiny but fierce stingings against the skin. I pull my jaune home-brew
chop USPS visor lower, keeping hunkered down in the drops and
keep spinning. I get about 45 seconds of riding before the streets
are soaked and my tires are flinging up spray into my eyes and
down my butt crack. At each corner, I think I'll slide out, but
I make it through them all upright. Just a I come full-thottle
into the garage, a flash of lighting illuminates my way and I'm
home safe and sound. I crash through the door with a whoop, scaring
the shit out of my roommate who is downloading music on his computer.
I try to share my epiphany with him as he tries to calm me down
to his sour-puss mood level, reminding me to use "our inside voices."
My voice can carry quite a bit of volume, Especially when I'm
in a mood to project. But I'm amped about this issue, because
it's such a wonderful revelation. Though it's 10:30, I set about
making pancakes and bacon, with an accompaniment of Negro Modelo,
complete with scurvy medication. When life become bland and hollow
and you begin looking for answers in altruism, trying taking a
good, hard, dangerous bike ride - It will make you fee far more
alive than handing out alms to urchins. I also realized those
times when I consider giving up riding, selling off my bikes are
always in the midst of times when I haven't been riding. You never
think riding sucks when you're riding. Riding only sucks when
you aren't riding.
That's all kiddos. |
| Wednesday, August 3, 2005 |
| Seriously, fuck a link… |
I'm supposed to be riding right now. But it's raining like all hell
is breaking loose. Doesn't look like fun out there, and its so warm
and cozy and dry in here.
Yep, the ride just ain't happening.
But don't tell Snake. He'll get all mad and shit.
Bring it:
nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/330221p-281994c.html
fatmarc.com/
voodoocycles.net/blog.html
flagstaffbiking.org/…article.php?storyid=121
revelationrecords.com/releases/122.html
New York Hardcore on that last one. Check out the rest of Revelation
Records. I've got releases
1 and 3 through 10. All first pressing. Yeah, I'm missing number 2.
I'm down by law.
Rove Death Watch Part Three.
| |
From: dejay
Subject: 10,000 miles
It is a good thing that western Colorado and Utah are so dam beautiful,
because i have driven across the areas 4 times in the last 2 weeks.
Boulder to Durango to Grand Junction to Aspen to Brianhead to Denver
and beyond, headed to the east coast.
Let me vent: oh the Brianhead Epic, National endurance championship.
What shit, the night of the pre-race meeting we were told that
all winners would receive the stars and stripe. But after the
race was over and the podiums were going on there were no jerseys
to be found. The answer that we got" this is not a NORBA sanctioned
event, so therefore no stars and stripes". That's pretty funny
considering everyone that raced needed a Norba license to be eligible
to race. How does that work??
Oh well, at least they screwed everyone this time and not just
the singlespeeders.
At least we got to ride. I was told by some friends that went
to ride the course at the beginning of july, they got denied do
to the fact that the mountain had a 10 foot base covering it.
Most of which had melted by Saturday the 30th. Only to leave many
mud pits and very soft and rocky ground throughout the course.
The 3 hour rain storm the night before didn't help much either.
All went pretty well anyhow. there was cloud cover most of the
day, which was most appreciated. I stared off feeling great, good
enough to pass up the first 2 aid stations. Rookie mistake., at
about the 70 mile mark i came unglued like a 1st graders macaroni
sculpture that had been hung in he window for a week. As i finished
taking a piss, i looked over my shoulder only to see jake coming
up the hill. We rode together until the peak road(11,200ft), were
both new this was the time to punish one another. I was the first
to the top, which set the tempo for victory. Finishing up all
the sweet singletrack to the line stopping the clock at 8:25.37(:30.behind
the first geared,teammate Nat Ross) and being the first sser across
the line. Jake made it 5 minutes later.
Next stop is sswc05 state college, P.A. |
Fuck all. I'm cracking open a beer. You want fries with that?
| |
From: jt
Subject: War is a Racket
The letter from Vox reminded me of this article. I think it might
be time to put it up again so that people realize that we are not
living in a different era. The names of the threats may have changed,
but the motivation is still profit...
lexrex.com/enlightened/articles/warisaracket.htm
|
Robert plays to his strengths. When it benefited him to mention
is association with the Federalist Society, he did. On many occasions.
His "membership was routinely reported by news organizations in the
context of his work in two GOP administrations and legal assistance
to the party during the contested 2000 presidential election in Florida."
When it become prudent to downplay this association, he does so. He
"repeatedly said that he has no memory of belonging to the Federalist
Society".
So what's his strength? He lies.
He's lying through his God damned teeth. Doesn't recall. Can't remember.
Didn't inhale. Fuck you. You know what organizations you belong to.
Don't take me for a fool.
Look, if you want to join a group, I say go for it. Free country.
You can join the Boy Scouts, Country Club and the friggin Church Choir.
But be aware the association will define who you are.
The Federalist Society
is an organization whose stated purpose is a
"reordering priorities within the legal system to place a premium on
individual liberty, traditional values, and the rule of law."
They've got it all backwards. The roll of the Judiciary is the Rule
of Law. Full stop.
Traditional values have absolutely nothing to do with anything. And
don't even get me started on liberty. The first page of their February
newsletter they speak of Iraq's "liberation."
Yeah, what's happening in Iraq, that's fucking Liberty if I've ever
seen it.
What does Abu Ghraib have to do with Liberty? In the eyes of the Muslim
world it has everything to do with Liberty.
We are not above the law, in Cuba or anywhere else for that matter.
From the NY Times
article: "Rear Adm. Michael F. Lohr, the Navy's chief lawyer, wrote
on Feb. 6, 2003, that while detainees at Guantánamo Bay might not qualify
for international protections, "Will the American people find we have
missed the forest for the trees by condoning practices that, while technically
legal, are inconsistent with our most fundamental values?"
I can hardly wait for the "you hate your country" and "support the
troops" emails. Fuck you. I love my country. I can say we're fucking
up without being a traitor.
And, apparently, you can out a fucking CIA operative these days and not be a traitor. Maybe he is
the boy genius after all. And if he's convicted, what then?
Will Bush fire his ass then? No criminals
in the administration, George?
Bush and Cheney have three DUI's between them. (Bush & Cheney) They were convicted, can they still be part of the
Administration?
So much for bringing honor and
dignity to the White House, eh?
Shit, let's just blame Canada and forget the whole thing.
I'll leave you with this:
Liberalism is not so much a party creed or set of fixed platform
promises as it is an attitude of mind and heart, a faith in man's ability
through the experiences of his reason and judgment to increase for himself
and his fellow men the amount of justice and freedom and brotherhood
which all human life deserves. -- Senator John F. Kennedy , September
14, 1960
| Tuesday, August 2, 2005 |
| fuck a link… |
Something about being optimistic in January, sending in a check and
regretting it in August when the race actually comes around. I don't
know, something I heard somewhere.
Whatever.
I cracked a bit tonight. So I made up a martini. And it was a dirty
little bitch too.
It took to me quickly. Funny how that works.
| |
From: Tall Todd
Subject: no subject
bikeleague.org/mediacenter/SAFETEA_LU.pdf
$$$ for bike and ped projects. A lot of $$$. We have a summary at
bikeleague.org,
but it's bucks for off-road (Rec. Trails funding) and on road (cities
w/ better facilities, better road access, etc.). It's awaiting GW's
signature and all indications are that he will not use the veto
for it. |
You mean something is coming our way? No shit.
| |
From: Lucas
Subject: Ducks, cyclists and cars
I'm not sure what the point of this is, but if you find something
in it feel free to share with the general readership.
I ran over a duck this morning on the way to work. That's right,
a brown mostly mature, mallard duck. On the bike trail. There's
barely anyone on there in the morning and I wasn't paying enough
attention. There were four of them and they ran across my path
the long way after they saw me, probably because that's where
the water-filled ditch is. I was on my fixie with 28s on it. 180lbs
of me, 15 lbs of bike, and 10 lbs of backpack all bearing down
on this 5 pound duck. The sound was sickening. I rode for another
.5 miles before turning around. Out of shock. I almost got thrown
off the bike. He was gone when I got back. I'm pretty sure he
wasn't OK. There were feathers on the ground.
I'm no better than the assholes that run over bikers. I can
make any excuse I want, and no duckie police is going to show
up to arrest me. I did nothing illegal. I still feel awful, and
I should have stopped instantly not a half mile later. I might
have been able to do something (i.e. kill him/her to put him out
of his misery, or take him to the local wildlife rescue center.)
I dunno, I think my karma is fucked for the year.
The moral, I guess, if there is one, is don't take it for granted
that you won't be the next asshole, the next fucko in the out
sized vehicle, the asshole with the fucked up foreign policy,
the jerk with a stupid economic plan, that does damage. That despite
your best efforts, your best intentions, you won't fuck up too.
And, when and if you do, take responsibility for it. Now. Not
later, don't pass it off, don't make excuses, just deal with what
you've done, at the very least you can help in some way even if
your piss poor judgment or lack of attention caused a fuck up.
The situation ain't gonna fix itself. Fucking up should make you
think, not rationalize - but think about what kinda shit you did.
|
I hit a duck in my car once. It was years ago, and the poor bastard
ran out in front of me. Actually there was a few of 'em. I missed most,
and this one son of a bitch goes right between the wheels. I hear his
head, body, feet, whatever, thud of the bottom of the car, all the way
back. I look in the rear view mirror, and he rolls to his feet and continues
across the street like nothing happened.
Of course, I have no idea if the poor bastard died the next day. I
just know he walked it off like it wasn't shit.
Ducks are apparently one tough bird.
| |
From: Jeff
Subject: Good luck at Leadville!
Good luck at Leadville this coming weekend. I just finished the
Brian Head Epic 100 on my single speed this past Saturday. That
was a mother of a ride that lasted 9 hours and 59 minutes for me
in my own personal hell. AND of course Deejay won the SS class in
about 8 hours 23 minutes with Jake right behind him at 8 hours 30
minutes.
Lates!
Jeff H.
Albuquerque |
In a strange sort of way I'm looking forward to it. It's a real mother,
a total whore.
And I can't get her out of my mind.
Hit and run is the worst insult to injury. I"ve been hit a couple
of times, and it sucks and all that. But at least the people have always
stopped and been mostly nice about it. Sure, you're car might have a
dent in it, but fucking look at me? I'm fucked up.
Driving away, and dragging the bike along with you, is just plain
mean.
I hope they catch the guy (or gal) too.
Link Dump:
americaninlebanon/…backstroke-of-west
engrish.com
forumspile.com/STFU-Hand_Puppet.gif
exhaust.tv/cuttingroom/ferrarichick.html
cachis.com/bikeshow
Almost
Livewrong…
chapter9photography.com/…bikes/gallery.htm
chapter9photography.com/…altered/10.htm
chapter9photography.com/…altered/11.htm
| |
From: Scott
Subject: go by bicycle, the zine
hey there--just a quick announcement that i've reprinted all three
issues of:
GO BY BICYCLE
gobybicycle.com/goodstuff.htm
and they are now available for $5 for all three issues ($8 outside
of the united states).
each issue is around 24 pages with cartoons, interviews, essays
and other fun stuff about bicycle culture, bicycle advocacy, public
transit and the dark side of car culture. a true and un-corporate
look at our current transportation dilemma, with the bicycle as
the knight in shining, uh, armor.
feel free to announce this to friends or on blogs, and if you
are outside the united states, please accept my apologies for
the obnoxious behavior of my government.
ciao for now,
scott |
Bicycle. Go by bicycle. What a great idea…
Good old Tom rode Ragbrai for the first time. And wouldn't you know
it, he had a great time.
| |
From: Tom
Subject: On the Ragbrai
yo jonny!
I've recently returned from my 1st RAGBRAI and man are my kidneys
tired! I've always been of the mind that one could either ride long
and hard or drink long and hard but i never considered one could
do both at once. at least not this one. well kiddies, i was wrong,
real fuckin wrong. i came, i rode, i drank... a-friggin-lot!
Day 0.1:
team marley dons its rasta colors and represents on the 25 mile
ride from sioux city to le mars. 2 long stops at caseys (iowas
answer to circle k) for beers en mass. this refreshment is as
necessary as it is fun cuz its like high 90's outside and about
110 on the pave'. i meet the "evil" bus as it overheats in the
parking lot and pass on yer greetings as requested but alas I'm
met with blank stares and disinterest. even the cool ass custom
DC flag i made for the new BoB didn't help. perhaps I'm not yet
cool enough for their civility, maybe its the "virgin" that's
been written on the back of my calves that allows them to show
such disrespect for a brother. fuck em, i have a cold beer and
an eddy merkcx. turns out not all of them suck as we shall soon
read. i think the short trip took us a little less than 5 hours.
at 2am "uncle dave" grilled the bestest and biggest steaks I've
had since moving here. cost of dinner, i had to roll my 1st joint
in about 20 years. not a bad deal and not a bad job by yers truly.
its just like riding a bike? i had 2 of those bad boys and wanted
more. the steaks that is. at 4am "uncle dave" and "billthy" a
messenger from nyc get into a shouting match....
billthy: "fuck you you fucking asshole shit! just stop talking
to me! i just fucking want you to fucking stop fucking talking
to me!!"
classic quote and it just got more stupid from there. more on
billthy later.
Day 1:
65.5 mi / 1898 ft of climbing. not bad till ya tow a 45 lb BoB
trailer into a 12 mph headwind for 50 miles with a heat index
of 120 degrees. not too much beer for the old guy on this leg.
maybe 6 at best. at 40 miles i toss BoB into the rental van the
NYC crew has brought out so i can finish without too much death
involved. i leave my final ride partner with 16 miles left and
brave it alone while quiet randy stays to party. I'm down to nuthin
but my bibs and helmet as my shoulder starts to pulsate badly.
constant stops to ease the pain and drink more water. i make it
to camp in sheldon at 7:30 with a 18 pack under my arm and all
i want is a shower and some clean dry clothes but the van is nowhere
to be found. 2 hours later its reported to be somewhere downtown
at a bar. i go lookin, find squat and return to camp to find it
parked and serving beer. I'm pissed and feelin like shit but after
a shower and change i calm down and learn a valuable lesson in
ragbrai etiquette and the bonus of towin yer own shit no matter
what. word is bill was tossed out of a bar and met with the local
powers that be regarding the situation but was soon excused from
the meeting. we drink. man do we drink. then the wind kicks in
and the rain falls and the thunder rolls and the lightning blazes.
then the sleeping. then the shouting firemen. "EVACUATE THE CAMP!
EVACUATE THE CAMP!" then the 1,000,000,000,000 candle power flashlights
and the banging on the tents. seems a tree fell killing a guy
from new york as he sat up in his tent in some nice families yard.
broke the man full in 2 I'm told. damn fuckin shame i say. so
the city fathers decide now that the storm has passed they must
make a effort to protect the rest and create some more havoc by
shipping everyone indoors. we survey the area and conditions and
decide to stay.
Day 2:
sheldon to estherville, 84 miles, 1193 ft of up and 8 mph winds.
holy shit! the camp ground is a fuckin war zone! we wake up to
the news of the poor guy in the tent and much bedlam closer by.
scratch off 1 rv trailer, 3 bikes, 1 suburban and many many tents.
you should see the pics i took. 1 tree fell not inches but 10ths
of inches from another brand new rv trailer blocking all the doors
so the lucky ass occupants had to crawl out a window to get out.
I'm dry and in good shape but a few of us on team marley have
tons of wet shit. on closer investigation we find we've been protected
by a 12' tall earthen berm, the others have not. my shoulder is
still a complete mess and I'm not sure why so when asked to drive
"team road bootys" new bus i accept gladly. rick is its owner/creator
and is hangin out with our gang caryin some of our gear. its the
least i can do to let the guy ride a day with his son wes, a very
cool and funny 13 year old. i spend the day driving to 3 towns,
setting up the stereo and entertaining the riders with standard
issue shenanigans. what a blast! being bus-man is fun! kinda.
the last 30 miles brings rain and lots of it. my job is to hit
town early, find a suitable spot, leave notes on the message board
and set up camp. not too tough till the bus wont start and i have
to crawl under it in 1/4" of water trying to chase down a electrical
issue which is not my strong suit. i manage it just the same.
I'm late but not by much. i leave a note that sam and i are lookin
for a spot and to stay put till we get back. on the drive in i
spotted a pair of huge yards side by side next to banks, grocery
stores, laundry mats and a movie theater. sam and i go back for
a look followed by a quick talk with a hot young girl which succeeds
in a great place to stay! back to pick up the now soaked and waiting
hordes and then the drinking. lots and lots of the drinking. our
hot young host drys load after load of our wet gear then brings
more friends and we have a real party on our hands folks! hottie
drinks, mixes drinks, pukes drinks. beer, wine and whiskey - 1,
hot host - 0, team marley - 10,000.
Day 3:
off to algona. its 77 degrees, we have 62 miles with a century
option, 852 ft on the altimeter and 13 mph winds, mostly at our
backs makes for a fast day. just getting breakfast takes more
than a hour so its a late start. big climb out of town and my
shoulder is instantly on fire but i find a comfy spot next to
the stem soon after i reach for the drops on a long descent into
the wind which nearly puts me on the asphalt when the stabbing
pain hits full force. its then that i decide to suck it up and
be a man. we have guys who cant walk or have but 1 arm out here
so who am i to whine like a little girl? this idea works well
and i get on my way. the drinking starts early on this go round
and there's a shit load of it. nuthin like drinking in the streets
as we talk to the local cops asking us to stop drinking in the
streets. weird. sam, ricky and i find ourselves in a 35ish strong
dbl pace line at 32mph on the flats. each town brings more beers
and new pals. a few of the less evil "evils" and the "ska" troops
join us for several hours along the route. we are in no hurry
today. nope, not whatsoever. at the last stop we hang out for
a few hours watching the state troopers march down main street.
un heard of I'm told. talk of a renegade ragbrai soon follows
and out of town we ride. but not before randy brings word...
randy: "guess whos in jail?"
entire group in unison: "bill."
seems our pal had a falling out with team diego and somehow
gestured to them just what he thought they should suck. it was
kinda entertaining to see he's poor old dilapidated messenger
bike roll by, in cuffs, on the sag wagon. back on the road I'm
standing and hammering out of the saddle just like the big boys.
my climbing is rock solid too! I'm consuming enough beer at each
town to drown a seasoned drunk. hell, i even sprint out of town
to catch billy and sam, our 2 strongest riders who have a mile
on me. its a 12.5 mi run and i get em at mile 5 or so i think.
keep in mind I'm on a nekid bike, they both have full trailers
and billys on a single. but i DID get em none the less. yeah me!
i almost do the 100 miles but tomorrow looks to be a biggie so
i play it safe. this was a good day for the old man. I've not
had one such as this since before i got hurt in '95 back when
i was still in good shape so I'm kinda proud of myself. the driving
wives found a killer spot next to a abandoned house right on the
route next to downtown. no message board needed here. a hot shower
off the truck followed by some subway returns me to human and
that's real good news cuz aardvards don't drink and drink i shall.
another day gone, its 3 somethin in the am and there's beer left
for the morning so I'm horizontal at last. the tent wavers in
the still night air. then the sleep.
Day 4:
algona to northwood. big, long day kids. 1331 feet over 83.7 miles
and the winds are down to 9 mph thank gawd cuz we is headed right
for it all fuckin day. the thermometer says 79 but it lies. its
hot enough to burn me through my spf 45 like a lobster in a bad
diner. I'm gettin cooked out here but I'm drunk and happy. maybe
the beers before we left town helped? most of the group starts
out together or finds itself together quickly and a pace line
is born. sam, billy, ricky and i lead the pack in 2 lines, 12
strong. I'm tired and sore but i feel pretty good. good enough
to pull up the hills for a mile or more at a time. more towns,
more streets, more open beers, more cops, more talking and drinking
in front of the cops. damn this is truly surreal! but they only
have so much to say and only so much patience so we kindly finish
what's in our cans and bow out. i look up and everyone's fuckin
gone save for ricky and i. ricky wants to stay so i go chasing
and catch a former employee of mine who allows me to join up with
the "puck" group. tim and the boys are making good time but after
2 towns there's no sign of my gang. turns out they were back in
the "evil" bus for 1 1/2 hours so my chase was worthless but i
did not yet have the knowing of this little informational tidbit.
i step it up and tag onto the "bud select" crowd but still no
luck. big hill and a few of us get shelled. i do my best to pull
us back, we get within 50 feet but cant bridge as another big
hill hits us square in the nuts. the wind doesn't help our efforts
and we are officially off the back. tim and the "pucks" now pass
me, laughing for leavin their group a few miles back. whoops...
I'm 33 miles from the bus, I'm on my own and I'm in trouble. i
can no longer ignore the fiery daggers in my shoulder no matter
how many beers i guzzle and where my hands lay. food, i need food.
i eat everything in site and it helps but the last push is no
pickynicky. as i pass 3 slow women i hear a "left!" and a line
of 12 goes by, closer.... closer... closer!!!!! holy shit! I'm
bending AROUND the bar mirror of the last girl to keep from hitting
her and my wheel is within ONE INCH of a pedal! i do not exaggerate
here.
Tom: "jesus christ! a little room here!"
Stupid worthless fucking bitch crash-a-saurus moron: "i saw ya...."
no shit at all. this is what she said. if id only had the power
to catch and dog her for the rest of the day i would have in a
moment. but i did not.
i tag onto a slow group of 3 doin 22 or so before passing a
bad fall. big puddle of blood under his head and i catch a glimpse
of his ruined and bloody hat. he musta gone down hard to destroy
a helmet like that. the mood is somber at best when we pull over
later as the ems truck goes by. i take this opportunity to thank
my lead group for the tow and I'm met with 1 smile and 2 very
cold looks. yikes! hello, i must be going. i leave then behind
i never see them again. this is turning into a bad day real fast.
1 mile from town I'm almost, almost taken out by another moron
who feels that brushing my shoulder on the way by is just dandy.
i remove the target from my back and continue into town slowly
and carefully. no one seems to happy on this road and it shows.
too bad. if we all just joined up it wouldn't have been so tough
and a lot more friendly for all. i find the bus and I'm waxed.
all my exposed skin is much like a cigarette butt left to smolder
in the dirt. my shoulder fucking screams for a bar 2 cm narrower
than this new salsa i mounted 2 weeks before. I'm tired as hell
from all the wind and solo efforts. the near misses and scares
have my emotions on stun. in short I'm glad as hell to be off
the bike, have a beer, eat some food and see my girl so she can
give me a hug and take my ass home. 2 beers later and i would
give lances other nut to stay but i have a shop to run and people
countin on me to return on time.
every dream comes to a end as does this one. I've waited 5 years
to do this ride and i did it in style with a effort I've not come
to expect from myself in 10 years. i hung with pals, made new
ones and met thousands of cool folks along the roads and in the
streets. its a good tired, i was a good drunk and a damn decent
bike rider. call this one a success, put it in the books and lets
open a new chapter next year. pics to follow.
Thanx! - Tom
ps: i bought another Bob trailer off the back of a recumbent
on monday for $60! get yer fat gay ass out here and use it next
year or ill tell you the truth about yer momma! |
Livewrong ladies t's and thongs now available. 'Cause we like the
ladies. Check 'em out. Click here
to order.
Yeah, I've got me some prime time baboon ass. That's what I get for
riding my bike for 8 hours and finishing it off with a little rain action.
So, I ask my girl after I get out of the shower, "Is it red?"
"No. It's not red," She says, "It's purple."
Great.
| |
From: Big Gay Randy
Subject: I kill you bitch!!!
Dude wtf..... are you trying to pretend you have something better
to do then update? That's bull shit. I'll full on admit that I've
got nothing better to do than to read your whinny my life so hard
and hears the top ten reasons to kill yourself today crap. So maybe
you could stop just thinking of yourself and help a brother out.
Most likely your lame ass white middle class I answer phones all
day but I'm not a secretary self just doesn't have anything to write
about so I'll throw you a bone.
World Wide Update Hugh Moran aka Hugh the Huge aka cop killer
just got done playing throw down on some big boys in the Tour
de Toona. He's living down in Tempe (remember those days fatty,
when we did shit like drink beer and raise hell on wheels) and
is going home as the #1 aggressive rider #2 Kom and #3rd overall.
Wow can you say ass whippin? All that and he still managed to
run down a cop doing like 35mph. That's right big gay jonny he's
the man of the week, and you ain't shit.
B.G.R
reporting live from "05 tour de toona |
Yep, I ain't shit.
| |
From: Sessa
Subject: parts
Dude, keeping spare parts can definitely make you crazy. Yeah, you
could probably get some $ for those 7 speed freewheels, or find
some use for them on a bike creation for yourself, but sometimes
you just have to let go. |
I'm working on it. Until then, I'll just keep on hoarding that shit
like it's going out of style.
This next one came straight outta left field.
| |
From: Keith
Subject: Kennedy from today's links
Big Jonny,
I think you have ESP.
If you look at Kennedy from today's (7/27) links, you'll notice
that it's the same Kennedy you posted on April 4, 2005 (direct
link: tgp.glamourmodelsgonebad.com/...kennedy)
which is the same chick as "Miranda" from April 19, 2004 (direct
link: tgp.glamourmodelsgonebad.com...miranda)
from almost exactly 1 year before.
Right now, you are probably saying "Cody why are you telling
me this shit? Is it because it's your birthday today (7/28). Cuz
you are a 35 year old looser who can't fit into his size large
Liquor Guns & Porn Jersey anymore" Nah, that's not it at all.
The real reason is because tomorrow, July 29th, at 9am on WB
channel 9, on NPG Cablevision in Flagstaff, AZ (tv.yahoo.com/tvpdb?d=tvp...)
"Kennedy" a former geek will show off her new looks to the people
who taunted them in high school. Aka Me. Kennedy and me are being
reunited. Well, that's what they're calling it. I didn't even
go to high school with her. I'm like 9 years older. Anyway, watch
channel 9 at 9am on Friday and laugh at me. Or with me, your choice.
|
Keith is a hero.
Looks like I missed the first airing of that one. Maybe they'll run
it again.
Dumpin' them links:
santorumexposed.com
Fun
with Marty
westcoaststyle.org/home/index.php
collegehumor.com/movies/1597046
graykangaroo.com/home.htm
eathufu.com/home.asp
orgetmenotpanties.contagiousmedia.org
9news.com/acm_news.aspx?...
downingstreetmemo.com
billingsgazette.com/...redefining-science.inc
workingforchange.com/comic.cfm?itemid=19060
csicop.org/creationwatch
Go
Vandals
dahl-stamnes.net/dahls/Trampe/index.html
factualmaterial.com/douchebag.htm
| |
From: Corey the Courier
Subject: Wonders of the woods
Hey,
In the early morning sunshine, before the trails got crowded, I
came across a pair of equestrians. I could see them from far away,
so I stopped to let them pass. (Proper trail etiquette) As the duo
were descending the short steep hill, the second horse reared up,
fell over, throwing the rider and trotted down the hill towards
me. I know the horse was spooked by the look in her eyes, but I
was shocked to see a ton of horse rushing at me. Between me and
the first rider, the horse was corralled, reigns taken and stopped.
The rider was muddy and shaken. As I walked away, I didn't see him
immediately re-mount the horse that threw him. I've always though
of riding a horse, but that idea will be postponed a bit longer...
Oh yeah, an important Public Service Announcement: If you come
across another rider on the trail, the one going uphill has the
right of way. It is much easier to roll down a hill than pedal
up and over a hill. Unless you're on a DH course racing for time,
keep the lid on the crotch rocket and fingers on the brakes going
around the next bend!
(Some fucker ruined an awesome technical uphill run on my fixie.)
Corey the Courier
Philly Phorever |
Well said. I hate getting blown off the trail by some Darth Vadar
looking asshat. And it happens all the damn time around here.
| |
From: Steve
Subject: Subway… Eat flesh
Subway, Eat Flesh
I ride to work everyday, so I usually take my lunch, or hitch a
ride with people leaving the building for lunch. I also have the
opportunity to take the Bus to lunch, just a quick 10 minute ride
get me to Fast Food Central; Taco Bell, KFC, Wendys, Popeyes, Captain
Ds, Maxs Auto Diner, and some others (Subway) I'm just not thinking
of at the moment. And in 2 more minutes I can be in Brookside for
options too numerous to name.
Today was one of those days I took the bus. You never know what
you're going to see riding the bus. More often than not I come
away with a good laugh, or something.
Today I almost got introduced to . . . ? . . . I guess I can
only describe him as the Smelly, Hairy, Meatball-Man . . . . Let
me take a minute to break down the package.
1. Smelly: Have you ever put you face into a Milk carton that
has bad milk in it. If yes then please multiply answer x3. It
burnt everybody's nose hairs when the waft of air wiped around
this guy as he entered the bus. Strong as Horseradish!
2. Hairy: Messed up hair, bearded, and hair sprouting from the
shirt collar, and buttons in a fermenting shirt. Good Grief, with
all the sweat, stench, and hair this guy could possibly spontaneously
combust.
3. Meatball-Man: Basically he was short, fat, and looked like
a big, fat, hairy, stinky, meatball.
He was also carrying a sack, and some might argue instead he
was carrying a Bag, but since the word Sack looks more like the
word Stink he was carrying a Sack, because this guy Stunk, and
probably continues to stink.
The funny part of the trip happened when he went to sit down.
The bus was semi full, so he had to sit by someone. Since the
smell was so Peel the Paint off the Walls strong, we were all
looking up front like front like we were getting the results from
some demented lottery. He stumbled his way back and landed in
the seat in front of me . . . . Geez . . . What a Stench Fritter
. . . The Stink Rays are now melting off the UV protection from
my sunglasses, and I smell what can only be describe as a Rodeo
Concentrate, yes a lot like orange juice concentrate. There was
a lady sitting in that seat, and she sprung forward, up, & out
like a circus teeter-totter act, as soon as he squatted down.
. . . Yea Squatted . . . Maybe even Sasquatted
Several years ago I was on a flight back from Vegas. I had been
bumped 2 times, and now its late. (I'll save you all from a Airline
Overbooking flights rant) I entered the plane and found my seat
9b. The only overhead storage I could find was back around seat
12. As I walked by I noticed a lady seating in my seat, then I
realized she was sitting in her seat, but she was so large her
body had poured under the armrest and into my seat. Her first
words to me were Usually they let me sit in first class . . .
Geeez Why?
She smelled like stew meat, and after a long 4, or 5 hour flight
where I was forced to sit sideways as I looked at some guy speaking
Spanish to me the whole way, I came up with this.
As she hurried through the airport her legs had to be rubbing
together causing friction. This friction in turn cooked the meat
in her legs . . . Like stew meat. Now I guess the idea of; if
you followed her walking, would you notice pieces of meat escaping
out her pant legs, would be up to debate. However, I now have
a second conformation to my theory with Smelly, Hairy, Meatball-Man.
Heck, after thinking about him sitting in the sun, like some kind
of Hairy, crescent-wrapped, Kielbasa, I think I'm on to something.
|
You're on to something and I just threw up. Thanks for that. And hey,
I lost ten pounds on the "read fucked up email after dinner" diet.
I should patent this shit.
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From: Tony Bagadonuts
Subject: Ride the Res!
This is a Mountain Bike Tour located in the Navajo Nation. Go to
youth-empowerment-services.org.
It looks like a lot of fun in places that normally are not open
to ride for many people.
Yaateeh from Navajo country! I wanted to give you all a heads
up that the 11th annual Chuska Challenge mountain bike tour will
be taking place again this October in the Chuska Mountains east
of Tsaile. The 2-day, fully-supported ride is a benefit for the
outdoor adventure programs that Y.E.S. for Dine' Bikeyah offers
to reservation youth. The ride is a great opportunity for off-reservation
riders from Flag, Farmington, Durango, Gallup and as far away
as Michigan to experience the Navajo Nation and ride with local
families and Navajo school groups. The ride is primarily dirt
roads (old logging and mining routes), with a taste of rez simgletrack.
We make sure everyone enjoys plenty of good food, hearty break
stations, live music, Dine' stories, cultural and arts demos,
and a whole lot more. You can find out more about the Chuska or
Y.E.S. at our website, youth-empowerment-services.org
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Right on.
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From: Hans-Michael Sumner
Subject: interesting article
this is the link to an article on government power and fear. thought
it might be an interesting read for you and the other readers who
love the drunkcyclist site. Thanks
mises.org/story/1819
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That's a good one.
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From: Vox
Subject: Throne Anderson's letter
I just completed the letter you posted by Thorne Anderson. I am
so glad someone else realized that the war never stopped.
I have been in that region multiple time. Most of the time sitting
off the coast of Iraq, bombing the NFZ. Bombs are no good on airplanes,
so that means that we weren't patrolling for them. Because of
my job, and the nature of my business I know how many people died,
but I can't say it to you without getting myself in a whole lot
of trouble. The first time I was there, it was before Sep. 11,
2001. We weren't there under the guise of weapons searches, restoring
democracy, or stopping terrorism. We securing free market oil
transport. It was explained to me (before terrorism was the excuse)
that we were bombing to help stabilize the world economy. They
never bothered to mention that, at the time, America's oil came
nearly exclusively from Venezuela and Alaska. The only regions
using that oil were Iberian Europe, the UK, and the Adriatic regions.
We weren't even protecting American interests. We were cementing
alliances.
I didn't know any of this prior to enlisting. I remember pledging
to support the Constitution, to obey orders, and bare true faith
and allegience. This is not what I was doing. I have yet to support
the Constitution from anyone, let alone the people who are most
visciously attacking it.
Eventually, the realization of what I was really a part of became
clear as I researched the origins of our issues with the Middle
East. There is everyone and no one to blame. Everybody in England
driving a Land Rover is partially to blame, everyone in America
who is addicted to plastic packaging for their consumerist needs
is to blame. Everyone the world over who owns a new gizmo from
China is to blame. The only thing I can do is what I do now. I
ride my bike as much as I can, I buy local produce when I can,
and I threw my television in the trash.
The reason I sent you this letter is so you know that for every
highly motivated pilot killing another Iraqi in a fireball, there
are many more of us in the military like myself who hate what
we're part of. I will until my dying day be against war and deployments
and shady back alley deals that split my shipmates families apart,
but I can't support the leadership that keeps sending us out.
I love my country, and I respect and appreciate all it's fighting
men, but I am sick and tired of being someone else's foreign policy
tool. I guess this is what poor people in this country have to
do to get an education.
Oh well, I'm done in four months. Five years of my life sacrificed
to stabilize the world's economy.
Thanks for helping to make sure people know what's really going
on. I didn't mean to ramble so much, but I figured you should
know what this thirteen year war looks like from the other side
of the gun. |
Check out more from the vox
proletariat. You can read the Thorne Anderson letter over here.
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