Up in the spot Home All that tasty old shit Archives Forum Forum Contact Contact DC Gear DC Store

DC Features
about
accident
adult section
andrej on tour
archives
dc gear
dc video store
fan pics
forum
gallery
gallery (old)
interviews
jokes & more jokes
link buttons
myspace page
obscure sexual terms directory
old flash intro
paddy white's not dead yet
prison name generator
product reviews
rants & writings
wallpaper images

AZ Weather
flagstaff
phoenix
tucson

AZ Sites
arizona single speeds (ass)
az cycling
az cyclocross
az trail-build
bicycle inter-community action & salvage
coalition of arizona bicyclists
coconino national forest
dc/voodoo cross team
dcb adventures
dust devil series
epic rides
fair wheel bikes
fetish racing
flagstaff biking organization
flight of the pigs
grand canyon racing
mountain bike association of arizona
missing link
northern arizona trail runners
perimeter bicycling association of america
pyramid coaching
ride clean
summit velo
tempe bicycle action group

Bike News
bicycle retailer
cyclingnews
cycling.tv
dirt rag
eurosport
just riding along
missing saddle
pez cycling
procycling
pro cycling tour
singletrack world
spoke post
topix.net/cycling
velonews

In The Trenches
a.n.t.
anvil bikeworks
bilenky
blue collar
breezer
circle a
clemente
coconino
cove
don walker
eisentraut
endless
fireman
hampsten
high ti
hunter
independent fabrication
jones
jonny cycles
kirk frame works
kish
mint
on-one
paragon machine works
patrick cycles
paul component engineering
rich adams
richard sachs
rivendell
salsa
soulcraft
southwest frameworks
spot
sycip
surly
thursday
urie dog
vanilla
vicious
voodoo
vulture
wolfhound
woody's fenders

Bike Sites
alt bike
cars-r-coffins
cello
church of bike
dopers suck
down the road
evil cycling
fearless gearless
fix me up
fixed gear gallery
free riders
frame forum
gemini training systems
granny gear
hcor
how to avoid the bummer life
hubbard bicycle club
imba
just riding along
league of american bicyclists
mad dog media
mavic
mountain bike rides
mtbr
old skool track
onegear
one on one
pete fagerlin
pink bike
procycling tour
pro mechanics
ride times
r.e.load bags
sheldon brown
sibex sports
singlephile
singlespeed outlaw
sockguy
stolen bicycle registry
sun-ringle
timbuk2
velobella
vorb
verge sport
voler
yes we are on the web

Not Bike Sites
adventure sports radio
atlas
attytood
birthday challenge
boing boing
boobie battle
career cap
drinking liberally
drunkingham
eros zine
fark
fitness lynn
freeway blogger
hoss rogers
kunstler
lonestar boxer rescue
mithras
modern drunkard
onion
paul katcher
peter gorman
pinup toons
slowly downward
the smoking gun
snopes
sticker nation
truth or fiction
unamerican
weebl and bob
wm3

 

doreo hosting

 
Monday, April 25, 2005
damn   I   damn   I   what what

This one goes down smooth... It's raining like all hell at the moment. At least it stopped snowing. So, I really shouldn't complain. For it can be a lot worse.

For example, today when I was riding over to the bank on my lunch break I was getting absolutely hammered with snow and hail. It wasn't the worst hail of the day, by far, and thank god for that. The big stuff would have undoubtedly caused grave injury and ruined my good looks forever. Or at least stung real bad.

Ever get caught out in a hail storm on your bike? The shit hurts man, it really fucking hurts.

What I got caught up in today was amateur hour stuff. So, I had it easy. Just little ice pieces bouncing off my cheeks like little bastard hammers. Fuck snow. And fuck winter. It's almost May for Christ's sake, can it stop snowing now?

What does a man have to do to get a little sunshine?

Maybe go to Mazatlan for four days? Ok, I'll give that a whirl. Don't look for any updates till at least Sunday. I'm going to head south and get drunk on the beach for a couple.

Call me crazy but it sounds like fun.

  From: Shaun
Subject: Tommy D.
how about Tommy D, the next US superstar! That's so awesome.

Yep, the man is a card carrying badass. A good win at the Tour of Georgia. I look forward to seeing him work his magic at the Giro in a couple of weeks.

I've got good feelings about him. Warm, happy feelings. Even though his time trail performance didn't exactly light the world on fire. He lost a full minute to Landis on that one.

But, when it mattered, he delivered the goods. And in the end, that is all that matters.

  From: Scott
Subject: World Tour
Jonny, Here is my fancy press release. The bottom line is some of our troops over there are cyclists and are hurting for miles and or race vids. I sent over one of mine and they sent the pic back. The world tour is born.

The rain has stopped. Or at least slowed. I'll take it whatever it is. As lost as it is no longer beating against my windows, I'm happy.

Or some semblance thereof.

Looking for a classic suspension fork? How 'bout an unused, still in the box Mag 21 for 700c? Check it out here. And don't miss the rest of the goods at mile wide sports

  From: Tom
Subject: Americans Who Tell The Truth
"The second strong feeling --- the first being horror --- I had on September 11 was hope, hope that the United States would use the shock of this tragedy to reassess our economic, environmental, and military strategies in relation to the other countries and peoples of the world. Many people hoped for the same thing --- not to validate terrorism, but to admit that the arrogance and appetite of the U.S., all of us, have created so much bad feeling in many parts of the world that terrorism is inevitable. I no longer feel hopeful. If one looks closely at U.S. foreign policy, the common denominator is energy, oil in particular. The world is running out of oil. Political leadership that had respect for the future of the Earth and a decent concern for the lives of American and non-American people would be leading us away from conflict toward conservation and economic justice, toward alternative energy, toward a plan for the survival of the world that benefits everyone. We see hegemony and greed thinly veiled behind patriotism and security. We get pre-emptive war instead of pre-emptive planning for a sustainable future. The greatness of our country is being tested and will be measured not by its military might but by its restraint, compassion, and wisdom. De Toqueville said, łAmerica is great because it is good. When it ceases to be good, it will cease to be great.˛ A democracy, whose leaders and media do not try to tell the people the truth, is a democracy in name only. If the consent of voters is gained through fear and lies, America is neither good nor great. Nor is it America."

-Robert Shetterly

americanswhotellthetruth.org

A site like that will make you finish your pint and head downstairs to find another in short order. Damn. That is some powerful stuff.

Hey Snake, I'm drinking Black Butte Porter. What are you doing?

Planning my demise, no doubt.

  From: Emily
Subject: t-shirt
Any chance of putting a plug (tee-hee. . . "plug") for these on yer site?
(See attached pic) I'm asking $15, including shipping. I'm not making any money on this, I just think everyone should wear this shirt and celebrate two of life's greatest pleasures.

Have a two-wheeled day,
Emily

You can reach Emily at iheartbikes@hotmail.com to order up a shirt. I know I did. Those things are sweet.

  From: Mike
Subject: Race Face Ultimate XC Challenge
Race Face Announces Ultimate XC Challenge

- Tell us a good story and we'll sponsor your trip to the TransRockies sufferfest-

www.raceface.com/uxc.

BC, Canada (April 21, 2005) - For those cross-country riders who dream about competing in one of the most grueling marathon XC races on the planet, Race Face today announced the Ultimate XC Challenge (UXC) - a new online, peer-judged contest that will send two teams of two riders to compete in the 2005 TransRockies with all expenses paid.

Based on the wildly successful Race Face Ultimate Freeride Challenge, the UXC calls for riders who have chain grease and fork oil in their blood, the unsung heroes of the singletrack, the guys without contracts who grind it out at their day jobs to ride on the weekends for pure love of the sport… to represent Race Face in the 2005 TransRockies.

Riders who believe they are up to the challenge should have a strong race resume, and, more importantly, a Really Good Story (RGS) as to why they should be one of the chosen. The RGS portion needs to be submitted as a 90 second video explaining why they want to take part in one of the most punishing XC races in the world. Submissions must be received by June 15, 2005.

Similar to Ultimate Freeride Challenge, Race Face will take the top team submissions and post them online June 24th for the online community to view and vote for which TWO teams should ride for Race Face at the 2005 Trans Rockies.

Winners of The Ultimate XC Challenge will be announced July 8th, 2005, giving the winners a full month to train.

Once selected - the two teams will be flown to the TransRockies race with all entry fees paid by Race Face. They will be outfitted in Race Face components and clothing and be given Race Face team support throughout the 7 day race.

In the weeks leading up to the TransRockies and throughout the 7 day race, visitors to the Race Face web site will be able to learn more about our teams and follow their progress through daily updates by our support team.

Between flights, accommodations, and entry fees to the contest, the value of the UXC to the winners is over $10,000 per team! Additionally, Race Face, through it's partnerships with TransRockies, Bike Magazine and SMARAG Media and Ride Guide will document the UXC teams' story to the masses with television and magazine coverage!

As our two teams undertake one of the most memorable adventures of their lives, what emotions will they experience? What sort of pain will they endure and what will they learn about themselves? We will soon find out, in the Race Face Ultimate XC Challenge.

For more information on the Race Face UXC and to download your application form, click through to: www.raceface.com/uxc.

Dates to remember:
· June 15th - Submission deadline
· June 24th - Selections go online
· July 8th - Winners are announced
· Aug. 7-13th - TransRockies

About Race Face Performance Products:
Based in Vancouver, B.C., Canada, Race Face Performance Products designs and manufactures leading-edge performance cycling components and clothing. Race Face products are distributed in more than 30 countries. The company sponsors a number professional teams and riders and is the creator of the Ultimate Freeride Challenge on-line freeride competition. For more information, visit the new www.RaceFace.com.


Sunday, April 24, 2005
hotties   I   on   I   bikes

This one goes down smooth... A big win today for Alexandre Vinokourov, taking Liege-Bastogne-Liege in style. And good looking out Jens Voigt. Voigt is a big favorite at the DC headquarters. He ain't afraid to put his nose out in the wind. Always a pleasure to see him to well in a big race like Liege.

Ever hear of Kayleigh Pearson? I hadn't, but then I don't read FMH and she doesn't seem to be in porn. Yet. So I had never seen her before. Till today I get this link in an email. Seems her top didn't fit to good when she bent over to adjust her shoe. Seems someone with a camera was there to capture the moment, as it were.

Nic sends me this next link, tells me he found paradise. And they call it "exotic retreat" (link pulled) of all things.

Sure looks like it could be paradise. If you've got the money and the time, why not give it a whirl?

Why do I fucking hate Tom Delay? Oh, I don't know, maybe this:

"We set up the courts. We can unset the courts. We have the power of the purse," DeLay said at an April 13 question-and-answer session with reporters.

Read it all here.

Hey look, the more expensive gasoline gets the more people use public transportation.

Then you have this:

  From: Louis
Subject: wtf?
SUV owners get free gas -- thanks to Uncle Sam
moneycentral.msn.com/content/invest/extra/P115791.asp

Oh, that is such horse shit.

And it doesn't surprise me a bit.

  From: Jeff
Subject: crazy story
Jon,
What's up man!? Big fan of your website. Check this out though. Yesterday, I was riding back home after hitting up the local trails with my buddy. Well, we were riding across the street when some old dude comes barreling through the intersection barely missing us, and running the stop sign at the same time. Well, after reading all the shit about drunk drivers on your website, I said fuck that. I started chasing him on my mountain bike and kept up with him for about a mile when he turned into an alley and hit a dog. Well, this dumb ass gets out to make sure the dog is ok and I get in his face to confront him about almost hitting us. He stumbles into me and I realize that he has alcohol on his breath. I tell my buddy to call the cops and he says he doesn't have his phone. So I notice that the old guy has a phone on his hip and I ask him if I can borrow his phone to call the cops. Well, sherlock holmes says yes and gives me his phone so I can call the cops on him. NO JOKE! So I call the cops and they're laughing their asses off at the story I'm telling them, and I keep saying no, I'm being serious. Well, they say they'll send out some officers and hang up with me. The old guy tries to get his phone back from me and I told him I won't give it back until the cops come. He gets pissed and comes after me so I throw the phone to my buddy and he takes off around the corner with the dudes phone. Well the guy jumps in his truck and floors it trying to hit me again but I jump out of the way and punch his window and that freaks him out so he takes off again and I follow him home (the dumb ass drove straight home). So we called the cops again and updated them on what just happened and they send cops out right away this time. Well, he wasn't as drunk as we thought because he passed the sobriety test barely so the cops cite him for reckless driving and they suspend his license until he can get reassessed for driving because he's old. At least we got him off the streets for a little while. Sounds kind of bizarre but it really happened. After it all happened it totally felt like a weird dream, whatever though. The cops gave us props for being able to chase the guy down on our bikes, I checked my speedo and it showed a max speed of 36.9 mph. Of course I had a shitload of adrenaline to assist with that. Anyway, keep it real man, and always watch your back because there are a lot of idiots out there. Peace.

Wow. I say again: Wow.

Better that than dropping your pants in the bathroom and losing your pistol, having it fall to the floor and go off twice. Especially when you're an off duty cop.

Another crazy story.

  From: eric
Subject: bmw wanker
i dont know if you have ever cycled in london but i do every day to my so called job. today i really realized the degree that motorist hate cyclist after almost being run over by some wanker in a bmw. his mistake, my near death experience but does it warrant abuse from him, i dont think so. anyway he got out of the car after a session of abuse, first thing take cycling shoes, off the ultimate disability in a ruck. found myself fighting some twat midday in a london high street, is this normal, i think not. anyway been to numerous nightclubs tonight 'to get over it' haha. great site love you guys laters.

Damn.

  From: Tom
Subject: Mother Nature strikes back!
cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/04/22/bush.earth.day.ap/index.html
Now let's go drill for oil in Alaska!

I'll wrap it up with this one:

  From: Bob
Subject: Ass-Clown Santorum
Your boy Santorum has done it again. Call me a dork, but I like being able to get the forecast from the National Weather Service...
palmbeachpost.com/news/content/news/epaper/2005/04/21/m1a_wx_0421.html

Just when I think Rick Santorum couldn't possibly be more of an asshole, I am pleasantly surprised.

Yes, he's an even bigger asshole than I thought.

You can get a bad ass shirt about the prick over at extraugly.com/shirts/frothy.html.


Saturday, April 23, 2005
no idea   I   lonni   I   luba

This one goes down smooth... Good and bad. Ying and yang. Life and death.

Last update was about the birth of a child. Today is about the death of an old friend. A man we all called Father Dad passed away on Thursday.

I guess it's all part of the circle of life. But it doesn't make it any easier. I spend last night putting away a few beers, and pointing the tip of my bottle eastward toward a small town called Dixon, Illinois.

It just seemed like the right thing to do.

  From: dru brooks
Subject: Greg Brooks memorial
I have the unfortunate duty of informing you all of the passing of my father on Thursday the 21st of April. After 2 years of battling with prostate cancer and an additional year of liver cancer he succumbed peacefully at 5:30 am. After a life of unbelievable caring and unselfish giving he passed leaving his wife Tanya, sons: Harry, Dru, Redric & Credence. Beyond his immediate family there is a generation of children that know of him as 'Father Dad' as well as 30 years of Boy scouts that now him as a father figure as well.

His visitation will be on Sunday from 2-5 at Chapel Hill funeral home and the funeral ceremony is Monday at 1 at Dixon's St. Luke's Church.

There is a memorial being set up. We planted a tree in the park as a memorial for his father when he passed. So we are going to plant another tree and put a bench in between as a dedication as well as several other local public flower gardens that he had worked on will be dedicated here in Dixon.

You can send it to:

Tanya Brooks
414 2nd avenue
Dixon, IL. 61021

It is hard to type this one, I'll tell you that much.

I meet Father Dad a couple of years back when he was out visiting Arizona. He drove a big shitbox van, a lot like the one I'm rolling in these days. He was the driver at Ragbrai both times I went out to Iowa that last full week in July.

That is where I really got to know the man. Awake at dawn, helping sort out gear, getting it stowed in the trailer, and mixing up Wild Turkey and cokes in a glass, and waving goodbye as he rolled off to enjoy the day.

For a measly $100 bucks, he drove my shit all the way across Iowa, stopping each day to keep two coolers full of ice and beer. He would have all the camping arraignments sorted out, with a street address of where we were staying the next night to take with you in the morning. Ok, see you there, have fun today boys.

If we didn't have a place lined up, which happens at times at Ragbrai, he would get to the finish town and hit the local bars. Chat up some folks willing to host a bunch of drunken cyclists in their back yard, square it all away, and put the address on a 3x5 card at the local Post Office.

All our drunk asses had to do was swill beer all day and frolic in the sun. When we got the end town, we would inquire as to the whereabouts of the Post Office, and then get our bearings for where we were staying that night.

Man, it was great stuff.

And I will miss it more than you can possibly imagine.

Greg Brooks was the kind of man you were glad to know. He lived life to the absolute fullest, taking nothing for granted and leaving noting behind.

We all should be so lucky to have a family like his. Coupled with the admiration of friends all across out great land, his was a life complete.

I'll see him again someday, I'm sure of that. I'll be standing at those pearly gates, trying to bullshit my way past the bouncer, and Greg will undoubtedly roll up behind me in some beat to shit van pulling a trailer.

He'll roll down the window, lean out and say, Jonny, get your gear and climb in. We're going for a ride.

God speed, Compadre.


Thursday, April 21, 2005
veronica zemanova   I   lesbians rule   I   redhead for dave

This one goes down smooth... First up, a big congratulations to Casey and Jen Robertson on the birth of their daughter, Carlie Ann Robertson this past Monday night. It is a fine day to be born. I should know, my birthday is also April 18th.

Good looking out kids. Husky especially wanted me to say a little something.

And this leads nicely into a Husky story. That fucker shows up at my house tonight, asking if I own a bbq. I say I do, and he asks if I'm down with having some brats holding up a grocery sack.

I say I am, and step out back to fire up the grill. I ask him if he's got any rolls. He says no. I ask him who buys brats and no rolls?

He says he'll be right back. I say, are you going to the story? He goes, no I'm going to Gitty's. I say, what are you going over there for?

He goes, they have rolls. Unless they stopped eating bread.

I tell him he's an idiot and I offer up a ten spot. Dude, go to the store and buy some rolls. And while you're there get some beer.

He goes, keep your money, I'll be right back.

He shows up ten minutes later with with two of Gitty's New Castles, two rolls and four slices of bread wrapped in tin foil.

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing man?

Then we ate the brats. Fucking Husky. Some things never change.

You like cartoons?

So I find this on stolen underground:

This just in....

April 6th, 2005

Boonen is on a roll. Here is an interesting story from DeCanio from Clinger...........

Before the 2002 Paris Roubaix Boonen and Clinger were in the Postal bus and as Boonen got up to leave he said to Clinger's face..."WE ARE TAKING OVER TODAY BITCH, FUCK YOU!"

Boonen went on to get 3rd place with his other countrymen who took 1st and 2nd. Doping control never showed up that day. Clinger swore that Boonen eased up on the cobbles to take Hincapie out, if everyone can remember George took a ride into the ditch. Clinger said all you have to do is ease up on the cobbles and you can take the guy out behind you.

Boonen did come to America to race in Redlands and Sea Otter. He fucking sucked and couldn't get out of his own way. A guy can ride to a 3rd place finish in the hardest one day race in the world yet can't ride away from American pros and cat 1s and 2s. WTF?

It is very easy for people to judge Clinger but these are all reasons he got a face tattoo. The sport will eat you up if you don't prepare yourself for what is ahead. You must know these challenges exist and expect these things to happen to you.

For those younger riders in Europe racing, know this is what happens. Know that doping rules in Europe no matter what everyone says. Rise above the drugs, and the way you are going to do that is through a college education. Get your education during the offseason. Once you have that, you can always fall back on that and not have as much stress worrying about results. With knowledge you have power and people will not be able to push you around. That is all.

Signing Off.

-The Commander
VERYCODE
741258963

WTF?

In 2002 Tom Boonen got 4th in the Sea Otter Crit. And his results at the Redlands Bicycle Classic are as follows: 5th in the Highland Circuit Race, 15th in the Crit, 7th in the Sunset Road Race, and 25th overall. His 25th was as a support rider and US Postal had 4 riders in the top ten at 5th, 6th, 9th and 10th respectively.

Again, "He fucking sucked and couldn't get out of his own way."

Again, WTF?

Although I will agree that "doping rules in Europe". I figure most of those cats are on drugs. And that is my opinion, worth exactly what you paid for it: Nothing.

Check this one about social security.

I don't really know what this next one is about, but I also don't care. It's canal 96, whatever that means?

The site offers up this and this (try ass) and this and this. Then you have these guys over at xpressyourview.com for your viewing pleasure.

Oh, and I so fucked up this link the other day: vissor slut machine. So I'm fixing it now.

Do you ever read Bull Moose? If not, you probably should. Take a look at this opening line from one of his recent posts:

" While the Moose is not an economist nor does he play one on the Internet, you don't need to be a Nobel Laureate to realize that there may be some hard times ahead."

Hard time like Ouchy the Clown.

hello!

  From: Colin
Subject: Hoyt's the man
Dude can lay it down. Bring the noise.

Word.

  From: Don
Subject: Virgin Mary?
Big Jonny,
Check this out: cbsnews.com/stories/2005/04/20/national/main689630.shtml

Don't get me wrong, but I don't think that's the Virgin Mary. Though maybe it's her....

Yeah, that's a weird one. The truly faithful among us can be a little, um, unsettling at times. Dead trees can pose a startling resemblance to the Virgin Mary if you want them to.

  From: Andrew
Subject: Good morning sunshine
Godammit!
cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/04/21/energy.bill.ap/index.html

and more good news
nbc13.com/news/4398056/detail.html

Oh yeah, good news all around.

I feel like river dancing.

  From: Hurl
Subject: rent-a-wreck
Hey Johnny,
Since your foot is giving you shit, I thought you might be able to utilize this service, what with getting up off the couch a real chore an' all.
rent-a-dildo.com

Oh shit. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

  From: Chris
Subject: Lance A. Lot Tyler Not
Did you notice that Lance expected a big oooooooooooooooooooooo! From the crowd when he gave his notice. But nothing came of it. He paused and waited then awkwardly went on. Like it was earth shattering. Dude it was the wrong time and wrong place for it.

Is it me or is his act tired; talking about himself and his kids and how tough he has it all the damn time.? That fucking built up announcement overshadowed the real men of steel this season talking about the game not the player in American Cycling: Levi, Bobby, and Floyd. Memo to Lance: Save your self contrived attention whore cocksucking for a different venue. Maybe I hate him now because he likes pop music. My bad. Oh and all these ex employees coming out getting hit with papers is odd. I can't wait till the kids are grown and Kristin marries her lawyer so she can drop the allowance and write a book. That should be readable in the least.

What did I expect to hear you ask? Well I'll tell you. Lance: This will be my last race, Jan Ivan and crew, I will not lose my last race. In addition I was given 25% of Discovery stock and we bought the rights to the TFD from OLN. We are going Live HDTV with it. We are going to focus on the race not the docudrama. Bob, Phil and that other Brit dude are done unless they pick up their game. I will head the Discovery Team with my man Yo and we will win the 06 TDF with out me in the saddle, and I already know who it will be, Dig? Any Questions?

And on Tyler: Jesus I was reading the LA Times article Sunday and kept joking to my wife 'when is the dog thing going to come up'? Nice defense: UuuuErrrr, I had a vanishing twin and that is the reason there was other shit in my blood! ??? What dumbass? You just admitted you were holding was junk in your trunk. Sure enough Tyler wifey came with the "He would never have a transfusion because our dog did and we could tell it was painful and made him worser and then he died and then Tyler wore his dog tag like 50 Cent wears the bling…." or some shit. OH and she said, " If he was guilty he wouldn't be out riding in the cold now during this process to get ready for the season" What? Dude just spent 700K on a fairy tail defense. Tyler you a god dammed lair.

That said, I hope Lance lays the wood again. Like I said, wrong time and place but it was the right TDF tactic. Fucking Jan and Ivan just felt the dagger.

Game Over

Armstrong may not be on form this time of year like he was the year prior. As we can see from his Tour of Georgia time trail performance. But the Tour will still be a very, very good one.

Of course, I've said Ulrich is the man for the past five years only to loose my money and get laughed out of the bar time and time again.

So this year I'm saying dick.

Another email sent to my pal Jeff Smith:

  From: Bruce
Subject: bike laws
bicyclecolo.org/site/page.cfm?PageID=574
Even Colorado, another red state full of obese drivers careening about in a constant state of cell phone distraction, has finally revised the state bicycle traffic laws. Your column lacked any credibility, and I wouldn't even bother to write except that you have given many motorists the realization that they too can kill cyclists and walk free. How will you feel if another cyclist dies because of your column? Blood on your hands man.

Are you laughing right now? Is your only vision of a cyclist some roadie in his team kit? What about the guy trying to do the right thing by leaving the car at home when he heads to the grocery store or the student who's realized it's much better for everyone if they ride rather than drive to campus?

You could right a wrong by reading about Colorado's new law and start something to effect a similar change to Arizona's flawed laws? You've already further divided your community, and this may be the only way to save your condemned soul.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005
random link (hit refresh)   I   anna ohura   I   adele stephens

This one goes down smooth... Happy Four Twenty. Not that I patricianly care as I no longer smoke the sticky icky. I just drink pretty much. Seems to get me where I need to go without much difficulty.

What a surprise.

I got cc'd on a ton of emails directed at my new pal Jeff Smith down in Tucson. Thanks to all of you who wrote a little something.

I won't post the twenty odd emails I received on the subject. But I will post this one from Erik, the man that started it all.

  From: Erik R.
Subject: RE: Another cyclist killed, in Tucson
Hi Jon,
As for the bike lane: Park Avenue does have a bike lane, but it disappears for a while at the University because the street is super narrow and there's a lot of construction.

But come on. What happened is what always happened: he passed a cyclist, didn't see him, then turned in front of him. That street is too narrow to overtake a car anyway, particularly with the construction. Whatever. Below is a letter to the Tucson Citizen I sent; hopefully they'll print it.

Finally: don't believe the hype about how this guy was "riding the wrong way on a one-way street." He was in a crosswalk, crossing with the light. It happens to be illegal in Tucson to ride a bike in a crosswalk, and he was doing that. But he got creamed crossing with the light inside a crosswalk. Just as he would have been had he been walking next to his bike instead of sitting on it.

Letter is below.

----------------------

April 14, 2005

Editor:

Not two days after Robert Paul Van Deven was laid to rest by his grieving friends and family, you permitted Jeff Smith to let loose a strange, angry, and astonishingly insensitive tirade against Van Deven and bicyclists at large. (Van Deven was struck and killed while riding his bicycle in a crosswalk in downtown Tucson.)

Smith blasts the deceased Van Deven and his ilk for wearing "ludicrous helmets" and being "nimrods" who ride "three abreast, chatting about sushi." His tone suggests that anyone riding a bicycle deserves whatever happens to him, because bicyclists are merely "alien objects that get in the way" of good, honest working people who only want to get to work on time. He even brags about cutting off a cyclist while making what he pretends was a legal right turn.

That this kind of thing can be printed at all so shortly after a local man, loved by many, was run down and killed in a crosswalk while crossing, let's remember (because it certainly wasn't mentioned by Smith), with the light, is an embarrassing and sad and disheartening thing, and it demeans your paper, Van Deven's life, and our city.

Smith pretends to hide behind an unpolitically correct iconoclasm, but in truth he's a boorish, insensitive blowhard who apparently derives pleasure from mocking those who are in pain, and his mean and twisted characterization of the events that caused Van Deven's death should have given a worthy newspaper editor pause. That it didn't deserves some notice.

Sincerely,
Erik R.

I need a little cheer me up after that. Ah, this'll work: abstinence only.

Two new ones from my correspondent in the south east. Enjoy.

  From: Hoyt
Subject: race report
Jonny boy,
I got nothin on the sock front. Jake hasn't been participating. Help his selfish, huh? He's getting all high and mighty these days. You know him.

We did Knoxville today. Endeavor knocked us down a peg. We got a guy off in the break. Our boy: Todd Henriksen. Hincapie's boy: Scottie Weiss, 2002 Elite National Champ. Endeavor put two dudes in the break. Frank Pipp, last year's crit national champ and some other joker that did real well at Redland's. Anyways, Todd rolled in third. Pipp popped that shit off and then Scottie went second. Fuckin A. Red Bird Johnston rolled in with another Endeavor guy in the next group and then the field sprint. I lead Snake for a lap and then I passed the fuck out in the middle of the crit course. Done. D. O. N. E. Did I roll in for 15th? Fuck no.

Fuck: side note: just saw Paris Hilton on some fuckin rap video. I don't normally watch rap videos, but Snake leaves my TV on BET and shit all the time. She looked real nice. Some people don't like that ass because she takes it deep all the fucking time, but I think there's just something special about her. Maybe she's my soul-mate. You think?

So, I lead Snake out as best I can. It plain sucks, dude. But, it's all I can do. Then I go immediately to my car, pack my shit and hightail it to Chattanooga for a wedding. Yeah, ladies all over the place. But, if I'm here emailing, how good could I have done?

Shit.

Tour de Georgia starts on Tuesday. Snake picked all the usuals for top ten. I'd like to put Zabriskie in there with Zajicek. Those two Z's are my mother fuckin huckleberry. That ain't dorkhorse, bitch. That's educated fuckin guesses. They roll on fuckin Shabbats, let me tell you.

And fucking furthermore:

Bibbens from Athens, Georgia just emailed me. Here's his quote:

"i keep seeing yer ass up on the dc column. what's all this about 'krystal' and 'domination' shit in the same sentence? damn. maybe when yer ace kid comes back and dust twilight and rosdawg, we'll talk, but you best be watching what shiz yer throwing up there. i'll give it to ya yer drunk, but props on jerry mcguire stunt...single moms."

1st: You want a race resume, bitch? Here goes:

Valley of the Sun Road Race    1st
McDowell Criterium      1st
University of Georgia Road Race      1st
Tumacaccori Road Race      1st
Rock Hill Spring Omnium      1st
Savannah Time Trial      1st
Vanderbilt Criterium      2nd
Savannah Omnium      2nd
Savannah Criterium      2nd
McDowell Criterium      2nd
Rock Hill Road Race      2nd
Rock Hill Street Sprints      2nd
Dogwood Criterium Knoxville      3rd
Savannah Time Trial      3rd
Auburn Time Trial      3rd

2nd: I wasn't pulling shit on the single mom jig. That was real, froggy. And smokin' hot as well, shitdogg.

Jonny: What the fuck? That negativity, man…. I just don't know if I can tolerate that shit. You?

Oh, just saw some VH1 shit: who's more latino: Cameron Diaz or Christina Aguilera?

VHfuckinHalvorson: Who gives a rat's ass?

The guys been on the site, like, twice. And already having trouble handling the fame.

Guys are always like "Put me on. Jonny, put me on."

Well, you're on.

And…

  From: Hoyt
Subject: RE: Krystal
First and foremost, I am sober. I just read over my recent emails to you. I am an idiot. My sincere apologies to all. You really ought to hire someone to screen for content.

Secondly, our race today. Raccoon Mountain road race in Chattanooga, TN. I think that ass goes down into Alabama. Doesn't matter, I just looked at guy's asses all day. Full Endeavor squad shows up. They go one, two, three. I can't walk now. I'm going to sleep for 14 hours and get a massage. Happy ending, I hope.

I'm doing a Tour de Georgia camp with Tex this coming weekend. We'll pre-ride courses and then watch the big boys do it. Brasstown Bald, my man. Hardest stretch of road in the country. And it's in my backyard.

Snake's next to me right now, making out with Cyclingnews.com. More like heavy petting.

I'm going to bed.

Good looking out.

Sorta like eco-porn.
  From: Dennis
Subject: Just kill us all
when I first saw this, I thought fuck america.

now I just think we should kill all of humanity.

right now....

americawestandasone.com/video.html

Holy shit that sucks.

  From: Ralph
Subject: almost another
Dude,
We almost had another fatality here. Friday night a founding member of a small group called Cyclotrons at Lawrence Livermore Lab, SF Bay Area, was struck by a pick up truck. The driver was groping around the back trying to find something when he wandered at 50 mph into the bike lane. The good news is that he noticed it in time to swerve away and only tag the rider with his bumper and mirror. Broken leg, broken rib and arm.......

At least it wasn't a DUI like the last 3-4 riders killed around here. It was just plain carelessness. Like that helps when you are in the emergency room or a body bag......... Shit. My wife and I ride, road singles and tandem, and I tell her it's nothing personal. The drivers are pretty much ass holes to everyone else on the road too...... It's the jerk offs that throw garbage at you and blast air horns as they drive by that really get me in a twist.

It's the same everywhere, isn't it? This next one is some pointers on how to keep it safe out there. Aside from smoking a ton of weed.

  From: Bryant
Subject: posting
i had to kick the front left panel of a lexus that tried to pass me on my right.
i had to run down on bike some assholes that flew past me yelling i got lucky when i cut through a church parking lot and caught them in a subdivision cul de sac where i cussed the three of them out they didn't come get me i think cause i would had to have been one strong mother fucker to caught their truck on bike the third time i got run off the road by a cement truck. I did get his truck number and called his boss.
So i went to a place that sells cop and EMT uniforms. I got one of those bright orange safety vest with the word MARSHAL on front and back. If i am ever stopped by the cops I tell them I am a professional parade marshal. BUT SO FAR NO ONE ELSE HAS FUCKED WITH ME when I have it on. They fuck with me when i don't SO riding around the house on the roads I wear it

I've not heard of that one. I have seen folks wearing reflective vests, even big orange triangle things. The triangle always gets confused with gay pride. Not that there is anything wrong with that…

Keep it safe out there kids. Smoke a ton of weed.

Need a sound bite? I thought I did. Click here.

  From: fareed
Subject: canadian lawyers
canoe.ca/NewsStand/TorontoSun/News/2005/04/17/1000721-sun.html
james leone is a fucking idiot.

He crashed and now he's suing for a million dollars?

Yeah. He's a fucking idiot all right.

When I dropped a hammer on my foot the other day, I just thought it was because I'm a dumbass. I had no idea I was holding a winning lottery ticket. I should sue the person who made the hammer. It should have come equipped with a tether that attached it to my arm, and therefore rendering it un-dropable. And, I might add, idiot proof.

  From: Rob
Subject: Ride for Brain Cancer Research
Big Johnny,
There's a ride in Boston to support Brain Tumor Research. The Brain Tumor Society was founded in 1989 to provide hope and comfort to patients, survivors, and families; and help them in their struggle against a brain tumor by offering concrete informational resources and supportive services. A family friend lost a child to a brain tumor. Any size donation would be greatly appreciated.
Here's a direct link to my donation page.
kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?

I'd say that sounds like a good thing.

  From: PCGreg
Subject: Yoda…
Big J,
I have to agree with Big Pun.....it is very disappointing when I finally get a chance to visit your site...(a few times daily might I add)...and you haven't updated in 1-??? days. Get off of your lazy fermenting ass and update the shit. No fucking excuses.....you are the dad of several children (the readers)...you need feed your children mannnnnn. What would Yoda do at a time like this.....

P.S. Lesbians rule...and if you get a chance....give Big Pun a ride home tonight.

I may never sleep again…

  From: C.
Subject: bigg'n my friends
This girl... well... she is a spectacular photographer, who I know. She is also a self-described "Smut Peddler" of the highest order. There are a ton of links when you get to them, and her pics under the erotic/fetish/boob category are alone worth the link.

Enjoy and pass it along if you like.
christinekessler.com

Yeah. Damn. Wow.

And you thought Iowa was only fun the last full week of July…

  From: Jeff
Subject: Huge Ass Race Go'n Down
This weekend is the start of Trans-Iowa. 300 miles of self navigation on Iowa's back country road. Should be very epic. Curiak, Fassbinder, and a host of other big names are showing to give this death march a shot. I think there are a few of the nut bag from Evil cycling showing. They mentioned something about Keg stands at the finish line.

One more and I'm fucking done, done, done.

  From: Mark
Subject: Got balls?
Look at this shit here........some hardcore fuckers for sure. 310 miles, all but 40 on dirt in 24 hours. Look out for farm dogs!!
transiowa.blogspot.com


Tuesday, April 19, 2005
ass parade   I   lesbians rule   I   eve

This one goes down smooth... Ever notice how those who have the most responsibility in this world tend to fuck up the decisions that matter the most. Not that I’m referring to anything in particular, but there may or may not have been a few words out of Big Douche’s, I mean Big Jonny’s, mouth that resembles “well… I guess that DrunkCyclist isn’t getting updated tonight” Hey! Fuck that guy. Ir-regardless of the amount of scotch consumed, you have a fucking responsibility to your readers. In your absentia, I will pinch-post for the good of the community.

So, here we go.

Big Jonny and I had a conversation tonight regarding the value of people stopping by the residences of friends for the purpose of socializing. This came up upon the occasion of Fitty and I stopping by the residence of Jonny and his lovely wife un-announced you see. In the end, we decided that the traditions of the days of yore were unfortunately lost and that people should visit each other more often unannounced. So in the spirit of pissing off Jon and his lovely bride, stop on by the world headquarters of DrunkCyclist un-announced any time.

But I digress; we decided that ownership of a good liquor cabinet is essential to one’s existence as a sociable human being. Keep in mind, I don’t mean some bullshit about the well drinks available for those who wish to drink from the well of swill…I mean a real fucking bar. A bar with character, and subtlety, and class. A bar far beyond the comprehension of mere mortals such as the Big Jonny and myself. You see, a bar needs character. But not the kind of character that can be accomplished by buying a bunch of booze and serving a shit-ton of margaritas; but a character earned through years of pre and post commercial-bar parties. The kind of shit that you and friends still talk about years after your wetbar and lives of fun and freedom are gone, like Jon’s.

I’m talking about the kind of stories based on the people that were present and the alcohol that was consumed in mass. As a matter of fact, I think that any bar that deserved to be called a bar should have to have at least one good round of sex on it. Now, I realize that the height of a bar can be intimidating; but, fellas, don’t be scared. Use the height of the bar to your advantage. You know, do something original, something different. In the case that you are one of the sad people in the world without a full wet bar at your disposal, use a housemate’s bed for sex, its fun. No, fuck it, I’m just kidding, that is not only rude, but also…..um….OK its just not right if you want rent the next month (seriously, Fitty, it only happened once and I’m sorry).

So anyhooters, back to the bars.

A bar should have the basics and more. I’m talkin about your standard scotches and whiskeys as well as Vodkas, Gin, Rums and specialized alcohols. When it comes right down to it, your bar should be able to accommodate any drink that your will ever, and I mean ever, want to order. Fuck the pussies who want shit that you don’t drink. It’s your bar and your prerogative. Just make sure that you would be happy with any and all of the choices available to you at the time of ordering. Anything above that would be, as my friend A-Dittle would say, Gravy. So that’s it for me. I have very little else to say, mainly because I’m about to be kicked out of the DrunkCyclist headquarters building, but also because I’m fucking loaded and can’t type any more. So, as a last remark, be sure to have cheap booze on hand as well so that once the troops are loaded on the good shit, you can switch it out and no one knows and no one cares.

Peace, love and hookers for all of my brothers. And if I could get a ride home tonight, that would be great.

See ya

-Big Pun

 
Monday, April 18, 2005
andrea   I   oh hell   I   heather

This one goes down smooth... You got something to say? Say it to Mr. Plow. I'm sure he'd like to hear it.

After all, he is Mr. Plow.

Good time this past weekend. I'd try to write about it all, but I'd just end up lying to make myself look good. The long and short of it is I pussied out from the drunken debauchery that was Jimbo's bachelor party. With a foot like mine and a corresponding dependency on antibiotics, riding my bike around Phoenix and getting shit faced all night was something I elected to avoid.

I know, talk like that will get my ghetto card pulled.

I did go toe the Tempe bike swap Saturday morning, and I scored a couple of deals. I pretty much had to buy the parts to build a new bike around a set of fenders I picked up. And yes, they look a whole lot like these sweet units.

You just know I had to get me a pair of those. Fucking look at those things, they're fucking rad.

And now I have to build up a new bike around them. Why? Because I have fucking problems, that's why.

This is too good to be true:

  From: Joe
Subject: dementia, you heard it here 1st
CANBERRA (Reuters) - Sex, cryptic crosswords and a good fixed gear bicycle ride could help ward off dementia and other degenerative conditions by stimulating new brain cells, an Australian researcher said Thursday.

Perry Bartlett, a professor at the University of Queensland's Brain Institute, said mental and physical exercise helped create and nurture new nerve cells in the brain, keeping it functional and warding off diseases such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

"Perhaps one should go for a long distance bicycle ride a a single speed fixy, do the cryptic crossword. If one can't find a sheila to root with, I would suggest viewing the links at drunkcyclist.com while engaging in vigorous autoerotic-stimulation, " Bartlett told Australian radio.

He said a chemical called prolactin appeared to promote new cells in the brain and could be found in high levels in pregnant women.

"Prolactin levels also go up during sex as well. So one could think of a number of more entertaining activities than cycling in order to regulate the production of nerve cells," Bartlett said.

And, of course, it is to good to be true. The real article is here: abcnews.go.com.

And fuck Rush Limbaugh.

We all need more of Cycling.tv.

  From: Mike
Subject: Comics. But different.
cheston.com/pbf/archive.html
For example, check out "Bacon Egg" or "God Tree"

Yeah. Different.

  From: Chad
Subject: New cycling page
Yo Jonny, just wondering if you could post a link to my cycling club website. It's pretty low budget but entertaining (for about 30seconds). Here it is....dundascc.blogspot.com

Yeah sure. Why not?

  From: Christopher
Subject: The children are the future
If ignorance is bliss then this kid is trippin' balls
msnbc.msn.com/id/7146982/

One more and I'm out.

  From: Ernesto
Subject: A Ride to Remember, Matt Kelly Memorial
On Tuesday, April 5 Matt Kelly was hit and killed by a drunk driver with two previous DUI convictions. Matt was a student at Northern Arizona University and a cyclist, racing for the local Flag Velo club. On Tuesday he found out he was going to be a father. To add to his excitement, he learned his thesis had been reviewed and accepted by the Department of Anthropology at NAU. Despite all of the promise this day held, at approximately 3:04pm, while riding his bicycle, he was hit and killed. Matt was a son, friend, husband, father, student, and asset to the Arizona cycling community. All those who knew him will miss him dearly.

In order to honor and remember Matt Kelly and all those whose lives have been tragically taken on the road, there will be a 24 hour riding event on the Arizona State University campus. At 8am on April 25th until 8am April 26th we will be holding A Ride to Remember, the Matt Kelly Memorial. A Ride to Remember will be a roller and stationary trainer ride on Hayden Lawn. During these 24 hours, at least one cyclist will be riding a bicycle in honor of Matt Kelly. We will also be accepting donations during this time to raise money for Matt's wife and child in their time of need. In addition to this effort, we will be handing out bicycle and motorist safety information to the public, so that similar tragedies may be avoided in the future.

We are requesting the help of all those who have been affected by the Matt's death or any other cycling related tragedy to come out and participate. We will have rollers and stationary trainers setup for any one who wishes to participate. Please visit asucycling.com for more information. While at the site, you may download a pledge sheet to aid in your fundraising efforts, and sign up for a specific riding time. If you are not able to participate, we ask that you please consider donating to the Matt Kelly Fund that has been setup for his wife and unborn child. A Paypal account has been setup in his name and donations are possible through asucycling.com.

In order to remember cyclists who have given their lives while riding, we are seeking information about riders who have been killed by an automobile, while riding their bikes (whether during racing, training, commuting, etc.). Please send the information to asucycling@gmail.com. Please be sure to include name, date of birth, and a picture if one is available.


Friday, April 15, 2005
brittany, jordan, whatever…   I   jana cova   I   lonnie

This one goes down smooth... Thank God it's Friday. TGIF. How many times have I typed that on to these pages? Once? Twice? A hundred and forty seven times?

Each, any and all.

Go check out velotracts.com. Given it back to the bastards that leave these fucking things all over the place.

People like my members of my own family.

Damn.

  From: Jon W.
Subject: Ride of Silence
"In honor of cyclists killed or injured on the roads."
bicycle-stuff.com/05_pdf/05_silence.pdf

What are you doing May 18th?

Now you got plans.

I hope we can put on of these together in our fair city.

And yours.

  From: m.
Subject: Accidents/Advocacy
alright, so i'm no lance fan, but do you think that he would get behind a mass advocacy campaign? i mean, you put joe schmoe on a commercial saying, "share the road," and no one cares. but mr. livestrong? is anyone talking about this? i can't imagine he'd be able to say "no."

just a thought

It's an excellent thought. And it sure would be something, wouldn't it? Well, lets just ask him now.

Hey Lance, how 'bout a little share the road spot on the telly? You're a big money millionaire, and we're targets. You could make a difference. You could make things better.

Give it a shot. And we'll never forget it.

Sometimes you get what you ask for and then some. This is one of those cases.

  From: Hoyt
Subject: RE: Kyrstal by the case
What's this gmail shit, Jonny? I can't believe you went to the dark side. Feckin ridiculous. I prefer dc.com. I'm true blue. Can you not get an email server on the dc?

Damnation. Snake is hittin switches out here. It's rigoddamndiculous. I think he's on drugs. I'm going to have to talk to Bergman to make sure., but…. I think they're buds these days.

Fuck altitude, splizzles. Them shits is silly. How the fuck can you recover from 410 normalized watts at 10,000 feet? That's not even humanly possible. I see the tent in that bitch's apartment, but I think he's been sleeping on my couch the past few weeks. I wouldn't know because I sleep til 10am everyday. What do you think is going on all night?? Well, I'll fuckin tell ya….

Wednesday night is poker night at River City Bicycles. Fuggin fourteen guys show up tonight…. I don't even see Snake until I'm already out the game. Two tables to start and them I'm shelled in ten hands. But two flemales show up an hour into it. I immediately go buy beer to try and put on my game face, my flemale game face, that is. Several Millers later, I'm tryin my best to put it all together. Red Bird Johnston, Snake and I head out to Big Chill with the two hussies, Waffle and Single Mom. Well, shit, Single Mom is about the cutest thing I've seen since I got in the pen. Chattanooga, Tennessee penitentiary. School of cycling. Quality with a capital I've got a fuckin kid. But still. I try my best game, but this Iranian strumpet keeps coming up to me at the bar. Farrah Fawcet or some shit like that. I can't even get a free second to kick my own game. Long story short, I take Single Mommy home and I strike way the fuck out. And here I am. Lonely. Drunk. And all I gots is my bike. No dame. No sobriety. No fuckin clue.

Back to square one. But you post Krystal shit like a fuckin sissy. We dominate some Southeastern shite and you stonewall us.

Damn.

And to follow up on Savannah.

Criteriums: Snake 5th and 2nd

Time Trial: Hoyt 3rd

Time Trial: Snake 1st

Snake put 26 seconds into me in just 10km. Yeah, he's fucking fast. I might as well trade my P3 in for a rickshaw.

This weekend is Knoxville/Chattanooga. Crit and Road Race. We'll line up eight riders in the crit, so we'll definitely be the team to beat. Snake and Manchild with six pipe hitters riding support. Should be some good ass tullous.

I motorpaced Snake today. He actually rode by me and put my car on his back and kept riding.

Oops I crapped my pants.

Now that's what I call a race report. God damn.

Them boys is all that and a bag of chips.

  From: Erik R.
Subject: Another cyclist killed, in Tucson
Hey Jon,
A cyclist was killed down here. He was in a crosswalk and had the light, but because he was actually riding his bicycle, not walking it, the accident was considered to be his fault and he was duly cited while on life-support in the hospital. He died a few days after being hit.

Now the Tucson paper has, two days after the guy was buried, published this editorial below. It's disgusting. It basically says that if you are stupid enough to ride a bike, you deserve to die. Note how he does not mention the cyclist was in a crosswalk with the light, claims the cyclist "hit" the SUV that killed him, and calls cyclists "nimrods" who ride down the street discussing sushi. Oh and complains because when he cut off a cyclist recently, the cyclist yelled at him. This is awful.

This thing just bums me out so much. The guy who was killed was a helluva photographic artist -- he was just incredibly talented, and he worked in a medium that took immense technical skill, but he had the artistic genius to really pack a punch. He donated a lot of his work to local conservation organizations. All he was doing was trying to cross the fifth so he could be on the right hand side of Congress, and now this shithead is talking about how he was "riding the wrong way" etc. It's just so dishonest. I can't handle, emotionally, that kind of dishonesty.


-----------------------
Smith: Motorists, cyclists are rolling with the punches

JEFF SMITH
Tucson Citizen, Wednesday 4-13-05 Anything less than perfect is failure.

At the end of last month, the Citizen reported on a new police program to crack down on dangerous and unlawful riding habits among local bicyclists, and cited the stats from last year: 13 pedestrians and one bike rider killed. This year looked better ...

Until a week ago, when one lone rider became our poster child.

Robert Paul Van Deven pedaled the wrong way on a one-way street, hit an SUV, and died four days later. He is the only bicycling fatality so far this year - remarkable considering the riding habits and road manners of many local pedal pushers and the corresponding qualities of motorists who constitute the medium in which all nonmotorized life forms struggle to exist. Remember that sci-fi flick where a surgical team is miniaturized and hypodermicized into the bloodstream of some important guy with a terminal whatever, only his bloodstream reads these doctors and nurses as germs? White corpuscles deploy to surround and absorb them, like drowning in tapioca pudding. And the medics have to outrun the white corpuscles, which are only doing their job as the body's natural defenses, and cure this rare disease the guy's got and get back into the syringe before they get slimed. All very tense and ironic.

That's the role bicyclists and pedestrians play in urban traffic: alien objects that get in the way.

Of course, in the contemporary context of political correctness, criticizing a bicyclist is tantamount to telling off-color pope jokes. You just don't do it.

You leave it to me.

I am surprised that more bodies in Technicolor spandex have not been found, covered with lug-wrench marks and dumped in a recycling bin.

As a retired motorcycle squid, I can tell you that the boys and I had sense enough to cover ourselves in road-rash-resistant body armor and crash helmets, arm ourselves with horsepower enough to flee the scene before the accident even thought of happening and, notwithstanding all that, we avoided city traffic.

These nimrods on their silk-tired 76-speeds, with bare knees and elbows and butts beneath a membrane of stretch fabric and those ludicrous helmets, like something from Dave Letterman's Stupid Hat Tricks, are out pooping along at 10 percent of average traffic speed, three abreast and chatting about sushi, which is what they'd be if half the motorists trying to get to work on time, or home before happy hour expires, had their fantasies fulfilled.

Finally the local constabulary has recognized the emergent nature of the situation and set to settle these outlaw bicyclists' hash before mobs of motorists surround someone in tight shorts and stone him to death with their cell phones. Since March and until the end of May, the Tucson Police Department traffic section has had more than an eye out for violations of traffic laws - by perps on bicycles and on foot.

As far as I'm concerned, you can forget the pedestrians: This is America, by God, in the 21st century. People in their right minds do not walk.

I used to, but I gave it up. And I used to ride my bicycle to work - nine miles each way - and I'm here to tell you the murderous looks you get from truck drivers are nothing next to the "You'll never work in this town again" expression on the face of your editor when you come clickety-clacking into the newsroom in your cleats, clad in nothing but gym shorts and sweat.

But I digress.

During this three-month period, police will ticket cyclists and walkers who behave badly on our thoroughfares, who violate traffic laws.

Know this and never forget it: Just because you haven't got an engine doesn't mean you don't have to obey traffic laws. You do. Exactly as motorcycles, cars and trucks do.

Driving south on Park Avenue past the University of Arizona campus, I signaled and made a right turn and was saluted by profanity. A lad on a bicycle had decided to pass my truck on the right and nearly smacked into the off-side door. He was screaming and beating on my truck, offering to drag me out and pound me to a pulp.

A small crowd gathered and offered him support. My conversation-level remarks - concerning his violation of the law by passing on the right, ignoring my right of way and his responsibility to obey traffic laws - went unheard.

In retrospect, I am grateful that while this young man berated me, I was prohibited by my wheelchair from climbing out of my truck and laying about his head and shoulders with a tire-iron. My only consolation was the thought that he probably would not live to pass his bad seed on to a succeeding generation.

Every cyclist who behaves thus churlishly should know he plays with fire. Hey, kids, they're bigger than you are, they outnumber you by miles, and a tęte-ŕ-tęte that's an oops to one of them is quite likely the death of you.

Motorists owe cyclists courtesy and sufficient space to pass unharmed.

Cyclists owe themselves sense enough not to challenge a 2-ton truck to do the right thing.

As you pedal your bike down Broadway this afternoon at 5:15, think of yourself as an unarmed American strolling the back streets of Baghdad's worst neighborhood. At dusk.

Yes, but I'm a U.S. citizen. I have my rights.

Right.

Citizen columnist Jeff Smith is a local boy who has survived his own bad riding habits. His column appears Wednesdays. Contact him by e-mail at jsmith@tucsoncitizen.com or by phone at (520) 455-5667.

Local boy Jeff Smith needs my size 46 shimano carbon shoe right up his ass.

God damn, the man is fucking dead. Show a little fucking respect. Don't make up stories about what really went down.

I need something funny…

  From: Sessa
Subject: Treat your mother right
I think we traded another version of this last year, but that one was a cheesy computer animation. See how he shines in a 'video' format. I pity the fool who doesn't watch this.
ifilm.com/WMPPlaylist.asx?ifilmId=2667017&bandwidth=300

And I pity the fool who does…

One more and I'm out.

  From: Frazer
Subject: Bicyclist/Driver Hostility ramblings
Jonny,
Just got back from my 1st trip to the Grand Canyon (and a snowy one at that) and while I was kicking back in my cabin after a hike I browsed across the article about Matt Kelly on the news and it brought back to me once again how drivers, even drivers here in sleepy Santa Barbara, CA are becoming increasingly aggressive towards cyclists and how many motorists seem to think that we cyclists are intruding on to their roads and are therefore "fair game". I know that in many instances (in SF where I used to live and here with the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department) that the law enforcement officials have sided with or given the benefit-of-the-doubt to the driver in question. How many DUI's does one have to get or how many reports of aggressive driving have to be made before officialdom reacts? Now the community of Flagstaff is reeling from another act of stupidity.

I once thought that every driver that received a caution from the police for dangerous or negligent driving should be forced to commute on a bike for a week to see what riders put up with every day. Likewise for every Judge or Police Officer that lets a driver off the hook. I like to see their reaction the 1st time they get buzzed by a Hummer or have Grandma turn in front of them on the way to store.


Thursday, April 14, 2005
briana   I   jesse capelli   I   eve

This one goes down smooth... Ah, almost the weekend. I'm ready. It means my foot is that much closer to being healed. Or something along those lines. Every day is, forgive the pun, a step in the right direction. I even rode the bike into work today. Sneakers and platform pedals were the ticket. Anything requiring effort, like a climb, I had to do with my heel on the pedal. Made it kinda awkward, but I got it done.

Rolling down stuff sucked. Fucking shit hurt so bad I thought I was going to throw up. Breakfast staying put and I made it. Put the bastard up on my desk for a few and it got better.

Fucking son of a bitch, I'm sick of this shit.

But, the real hard men of winter don't complain like I do. They just do it.

If you're looking for a house in Arizona's northland, look no further. A buddy of mine is selling his. It may be what you want, it may not. But take a look.

  From: Lisa Lisa
Subject: Big Jonny…
You say your antibiotics make you feel like shit? Well then - just be glad you're not a chick. You DO know what a "shit ton of antibiotics" does to the female race, right?
euclid.dne.wvfibernet.net/~jvg/Bio208/Urogen_pix/candidiasis.jpg

So stop yer snivelin' ya big baby. Have a cocktail and shut the fuck up ;-)~

Jesus Christ, now I want to fucking kill myself. I thought we were friends…

That is not how you treat friends.

Nothing really beats good old bicycle porn.

On to the fan mail.

  From: Bob
Subject: Deadly Force in AZ and how Jonny is wrong again
I kinda tuned out on your lib-ranting back in October, but I drop in once in awhile and scan the cycling stuff. But here you are again saying that Florida is nuts because they changed their deadly force statute.
cnn.com/2005/US/04/05/deadly.force.ap/index.html
Well..... AZ (where you live) has the same code. azleg.state.az.us/FormatDocument.asp?inDoc=/ars/13/00405.htm&Title=13&DocType=ARS
And so do most other "red" states. But, you would have known that if you read the entire article.

I kinda tuned out your stupid shit, too, Bobby, but it is nice to hear from you again.

In an attempt to figure out what you were referring to when you said, "you would have known that if you read the entire article" I went back and read it for a second time. And, of course, there is no reference to either Arizona, nor any other "red" states. Having now read the article, start to finish, without any help, for a third fucking time I have no idea what you are talking about. Maybe next time you can provide a quote, you know use the keys that look like this: ""

Put them around the sentence, or phrase, which bolsters your argument. Throw me a fucking bone, Bobby. I haven't got all day to read your Ann Coulter level bullshit in an attempt to flesh out a meaning.

Since I happen to live in Arizona, as you so thoughtfully pointed out in your email, I know a thing or two about the state laws pertaining to the use of deadly force. And I appreciate the link you provided, even if it was a mere 66 words on the subject. Not exactly exhaustive reading, is it Bobby?

You can use deadly force in Arizona in certain instances. It can only be used to meet an equal level of force. It can only be used to protect life, either yours or someone else. It cannot be used to protect property. And an attempt to retreat is not required.

Not bad for off the top of my head, eh Bobby? I'd send you a supporting link at this time, but I do not feel it is necessary as I have not quoted any source. So what is it about my supposed lack of knowledge concerning Arizona statues that is supposed to make me "wrong" as you so eloquently put it?

You said, and I'm going to quote you on this Bobby, you may want to sit down and pop open a fresh can of beer. You said, "But here you are again saying Florida is nuts because they changed their deadly force statute."

Yes. That is what I said. In my opinion relaxing the standard for shooting another human being is not going to make anything better. Not the crime rate, not public safety, not anything.

I think Florida is fucked by relaxing their standards, as it were. And it only ads to a long list of reasons I think Florida is fucked up. The 2000 election, Elian Gonzales & Terri Schiavo come to mind.

Lemme just wrap this up with a couple of points:

1) Jonny is not wrong, because you have not shown me to be wrong. You are, I think, suggesting my opinion is incorrect without showing any support for your argument.

2) Arizona does have a similar code concerning the use of force, but what is your point? That it's similar, so therefore I am incorrect in my conclusion that Florida need not travel down the same path? Is that what you are trying to say? Why do I have to guess what the fuck you're talking about?

3) I did read the entire article. Three times now. And there is nothing in there that supports your demented ramblings in any way, shape or form. But I may well be wrong on the second part of that as I confess, I have no idea what you are trying to tell me. Jonny is wrong, but for what reason?

Thanks for the distraction to how much my foot hurts. I owe you for that one, Bobby.

It just goes on and on.

Man, this email thing is getting out of hand around here. There are 385 items in my deleted folder.

There is really something wrong with that.

  From: Tom
Subject: follow up
Here's a follow up to a link I sent you a couple weeks ago--the one about Pharmacists Against Fucking.
cnn.com/2005/POLITICS/04/14/prescription.bill/index.html

It's a start, we'll see if it passes. Sad that time and money has to be wasted on this bullshit.

Same thing is happening right here in Arizona. And Governor Janet Napolitano just vetoed it.

  From: Marcus
Subject: titty slots
titty slots
I'm up to 6040. I can't tear my eyes away.
This is definitely better than "Cats".

If dogs are better than cats, what's better than dogs?

  From: Adam
Subject: 10,000?
cnn.com/2005/LAW/04/14/fugitive.arrests/index.html like um before this operation, what were they waiting for?

let's let the number of fugitives rise to some astonishing level and go after them all at once, that way, we look impressive.

It does kinda make you wonder.


Wednesday, April 13, 2005
adriana   I   edina   I   lesbians rule

The foot is improving. Amazing what a shit ton of antibiotics can do for ya. Besides make ya feel like shit that is.

I told the nurse when I went in for a check up that I was feeling like shit, and I figured it was just because of the antibiotics. She looked at me and said, "They shouldn't make you feel bad. They should make you feel good."

Uh huh. They wreck me.

Whatever.

  From: Tom W.
Subject:
This is scary:
prayeralert.org/alertarchives/alert-040306.html

"...helping Republicans get elected, in shepherding Godly legislation and in stopping ungodly legislation from passing the House of Representatives"

That is scary. Don't miss the rest of that site for even more fucked up shit. And when you're done with that, check out blazinggrace.org.

I guess it's good to see how the other half lives.

And then run like hell the other direction.

My man James sent in this link to, and brace yourself, it's a long one: powerswitch.org.uk/portal/images/stories/animoil.swf. He said it was one more reason to keep riding.

I'd say he's got that right. Fuck a car.

  From: Adventure Erik
Subject: Getting nailed??!
Hey there, sorry to hear about the souvenir from NM. I hope a tetanus booster was on your list of things you imbibed that night, too! Just a little tip from your Louisiana MD connection.
adventureerik.com

Oh yeah, by tetanus is up to speed. I wish the rest of my life was as tight as my immunizations.

  From: Aaron
Subject: I know ya'll broke, but…
Why the fuck do you guys drink such shitty bear, eh?!

Step the fuck up jon.
Thanks for the laughs, tears and tits.

I like shitty beer.

And it was a domestic tour de force. Lesser man would crumble in the face of all that booze. But not my boys. Their three day bender kinda people.

You know, good people. My kind of people.

  From: Wes
Subject: Cycling advocacy
lesberries.co.uk/cycling/cycling.html
Yes, in the local area we've had about 4 deaths in the last 10 yrs. I knew a couple of them. We live in an auto oriented society and most drivers are oblivious to the fact that their negligence can cause great bodily harm.

That being said, from 1975 until now, I've been lucky enough to not have been hit by a car. It takes a bit of knowledge and skill, to say the least.

I've gotten tapped a few times. Had a few bikes wrecked, a few bruises & scraps. In short, I've been one lucky son of a bitch.

  From: Three Cat Zoo
Subject: When it's time to laugh again.......
Sorry to hear about another loss for your local cycling community. The latest was reminiscent of a tragedy in Portland a couple of years ago when a habitual drunk driver killed 2. Hopefully this will be good for a grin or two:

A sheep herder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the bush. He found a saloon and approached the bar tender. He told the bartender "I need a woman."

The bartender said, "There are women all over San Antone for a price."

The sheep herder replied, "Just any woman won't do. I ain't fucked nothin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten years. They got cockle burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their pussy and my old dick is tough with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece of ass."

So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest broad in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender picks up the phone contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells the sheep herder to go on up. The sheep herder gets a small ice bucket with two Lone Star long necks (the favorite brew in San Atone), and proceeds up the stairs.

When he gets to the room he says, "The barkeep told me you are the toughest broad in town."

The lady is livid, and says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a bitch. I'm the toughest broad in Texas, and probably in the whole United States."

Excitedly, the sheep herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking for. He then turned and leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the coffee table.

Just then, the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over and grabbed her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the eyeball.

A bit surprised, the sheep herder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're tough, but I don't wanna do ya that way."

To which the wench replies, "I thought you wanted to open your damn beers."

Damn. That's a tough broad.

  From: Lou
Subject: You know you've made it…
Just waned to say Congrats !!

You know you've made it when your "LiveWrong" bands begin to make it into Corporate America.

I've actually seen you "band of truth" on a Corporate slug. Not the usual grunt/cube dweller.. No, this one was securely attached to a middle management drip. You know the breed..rides his new Harley to work ( only on Friday's) with coifed hair and his Gucci shoes.. uses word like "paradigm" on a daily basis. A total "Yes Man" to the upper rungs and a complete tool to those beneath him. Always has smile on his face even when he's talking himself out of some shit situation while at the same time giving you up to slaughter.

Yes... you know the breed and it's not pretty.

So YOU HAVE MADE IT !!
Your "Livewrong" band is now popular with the MAN !!

I'm bad, I'm nationwide.

And I'm down with the man.

Go fucking figure on that one.

  From: Ken H.
Subject: Cal Poly Collegiate Cycling Team Bike Raffle
Hello drunkcyclist,
I'm send this email in hopes of getting our bike raffle flyer posted on your website. We are a development cycling club who is trying to raise money for our road national's team. We are a group of poor struggling cyclists who race for the love of the sport and not for financial gain. I don't want to make this sound like a charity cry, but we could really use the publicity to help sell tickets. We've come up with a decent prize list in hopes of enticing racers and enthusiasts. If you would support our cause in posting our flyer on your website we would be most grateful.
Thank you for your time.

You can check out the flyer here.

  From: Hurl
Subject: From TurboTax: clean fuel vehicle deduction
Read the last bullet point. I'm taking the deduction for a clean-fuel vehicle because I'm at least 85% alcohol (any kind)...

Clean Fuel

A clean-fuel vehicle uses one of these fuels instead of or in addition to gasoline:
- natural gas or liquefied natural gas
- liquefied petroleum gas
- hydrogen
- electricity
- other fuel that is at least 85% alcohol (any kind) or ether

No shit. Does that mean you have to be a drunk cyclist to get the deduction? Is this shit finally catching on?

  From: Hoyt
Subject: Krystal by the case
Oh Big ol' Jonny-
So I haven't been in enough email contact, huh? Well…. that's because I've been trying to keep the podium girls off of the Snake down here in the dirty South. Seven top-shelf finishes in four race weekends and he ain't bad lookin either. I just glanced at one of his power files and it looks like they ought to hook him up down at the Chattanooga EPB.

We're heading to Savannah, Georgia this weekend for some crits and an ITT. Do you think Snake might win that TT? Yeah, you're fuckin' right he will. Who else in the Southeast can push 4-hondo's and change for 25 minutes.

Oh, and Monday… after the races…. We'll be deep-sea fishing off the coast of southern Georgia on our team manager's 55-foot Viking Sport Fisher. Umbrella drinks. Naked freaks.

Until the next time, keep it tight out there.

Word.


Tuesday, April 12, 2005
hottie   I   walmart?   I   cutie

We had pointed the car west out of Flagstaff, the Future, BGR, Rob and myself. I expected a beat down racing in the solo category at the 12 hour race in Gallup. What I got was the bonus plan. I got beat down by a nail.

I had secured a rather large bag of cookies, clif bars & other assorted snacks for myself and the others. I knew full well I wasn't going to make it 12 hours by myself, but I thought I'd give it a go and get a few miles under expanding belt. Anything to bring that fucker down a notch, right?

We had beer out the ying yang. Good thing too, it came in handy down the road. In no particular order, the ice chest was stocked with Grants, Schaefer, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Budweiser, Tecate, Miller High Life, Schlitz & Coors.

BGR picked up the Coors, and would later turn down ice cold cans of Budwieser, saying, "Ain't there anymore PBR?"

Come to think of it, he wasn't the only one turning away from good old uncle Bud. More for me I suppose.

The boys brought along some other various combustibles to keep things safe. I'm not one known to be in attendance at the safety meetings, but I wasn't complaining. And since I'm the one who managed to end up in the hospital, I'm thinking I'm the one who needs to change up my game. Dare I say beer let me down?

Nah. Blame it on insufficient footwear. Or me and Britney's love child.

Next expedition you'll see Big Jonny decked out in steel toed work boots with a sole that's up to the job. Fuck this punji stick bullshit. I'm going in full camo and shit.

Ok, maybe not.

  From: Ribsteak
Subject: Carmichael's Bitch?
Was that just the Snake playing the eye candy, pretty boy part of the CTS training bit during Paris Roubaix?

No, that was Big Tex sucking dick for beer money.

Oh sure, laugh now. You've done worse and you know it.

  From: Response
Subject: are you alive?
So there we were, Uncle Pistol and I, riding our bikes over rocks in the desert, talking to lizards (they sing if you listen). Pistol Pete stopped his fixy on a ledge overlooking a vast canyon. He spoke slowly and with determination in his voice, "You know Response, if I couldn't ride my bike every day, I wouldn't want to live anymore".
"Me neither", I agreed.

With that said, we wheeled back towards camp. His words weighed on me and I began to think, a dangerous thing at best. I began thinking of that Terri Schavio broad and how she got handed a dirt nap because she didn't want to live given her circumstances. I began to feel sorry for Pistol Pete because I knew that his summer work was coming up and there might be weeks at a time that he would be unable to throw his leg over that titanium POS that he calls a bike.

The sun began to set on our little camp in the weeds and the beers had been flowing for hours. It was then that I hatched a plan. Maybe it was the sun and lack of hydration, but I picked a course of action to save ol' Pistol Pete from his grim and inevitable future. I decided to administer euthanasia to Pistol Pete in the form of a half a case of tequila and an 8 ball. By midnight we both were well on our way to the gates of Valhalla (where all bicycle outlaws go when they pass) when I had to take a leak. I stagger! red out of camp to find a cactus to water, when I fell in a hole. It was not much of a hole but further inspection showed me that it was about the size of a shallow grave, freshly dug no less. At the head of the grave was my new shovel still stuck in the ground. I ran back to the camp fire where Pete was warming his toes and asked him what the hell was going on. He gave me a shifty eyed look and said "These aren't the droids you're looking for, move along". I guess great minds think alike, good thing I didn't need sleep that night.

I think I just pissed myself, I laughed so hard.

  From: Joe B.
Subject: Iraqi archeologists unearth stone age car bomb in ancient ruins
By Nabdula Abouda , Associated Press Writer

BAGHDAD, Iraq
Scientist stare in awe at the oldest car bomb ever discovered in Iraq. Carbon dating verified the vehicles age as 4,509 years old (+/- 50 years). Prominent archeologists stated that this discovery may prove their theory that car bombing predates Mohammad, and all that other Allah crap.

Next time your in Gallup, New Mexico, eat at Earl's. It's the best food I've had out that way, and the whole set up it a trip. People walk laps around the place showing off their wares. And by wares I mean all kinds of trinkets from belt buckles to beaded necklaces to pottery to pillows.

Yeah. Pillows.

You should've seen Rob's eyes light up when he saw those pillows. He was as happy as a man could be about a couple of throw pillows for the apartment.

Actually, he was a fair bit more excited than a man should be about a couple of pillows. I've never seen anything quite like it. He was fucking stoked about those damn pillows.

Well, good for him.

I'm stoked the infection in my foot is getting better. No thanks to the fine medical attention I received in Gallup. Shit, if I lived out there, they probably would have cut my fucking foot off already.


Monday, April 11, 2005
boob squad   I   duh   I   bored school girl

Tom Boonen is the man. That is all I can say about that. The Man. Mr. Big Dick. Pulled the double at 24 years old, winning both the Tour of Flanders and Paris Roubaix. And to think people said he should have stayed with Postal.

Ha. Yeah. Well, I guess he showed 'ol Gorgeous George who should be carrying whose water bottles.

Oh hell, would you look at this. Good thing me and Senator Hiles have a liver between us, eh?

I'm not sure, but it looks like Julz might have crashed and got herself up on cyclingnews. Just keep hitting "next photo". Looks like that one hurt, whomever it was.

Well, the good news is my email seems to work again. I was having trouble with that POP 3 bullshit. Fuck it, working now. I have no idea what was going on, and I can't begin to explain the various steps I took to try and fix it. Let it just be said I tried a lot of different things, consulted the help section more than I'd like to admit & even google searched for answers.

Of course, none of it worked except leaving town for the weekend. Leave it alone, and it fixed itself. I was certain it was a server side issue, and therefore one I have absolutely no control over.

Damn gmail. Seems like a great idea till it didn't work. Then it's the worst idea of all time.

Well, no, the worst idea of all time was stepping on that fucking nail Friday night. Yes. My stupid ass stepped on a nail, out on the middle of fucking nowhere. No where being a few miles outside of Gallup, New Mexico.

An unfortunate shithole if ever there was one.

So I step on this board with a big ass nail in it. And I mean fucking huge. I shouldn't even call it a nail. I should just call it a spike. Better term I think. The damn think was a big rusty piece or metal, over a foot long, and as big around as a God damn Sharpie marker. Big mean fucker. It goes through the shoe and into my foot, and man, it ain't fun. Not ever a little bit.

I lift my leg, and the board comes with it. And it's a heavy board. I'm stuck to the fucking thing. I tell BG Randy, dude, I think I need your help. Well, Randy don't much like the gory stuff, so instead of asking him to pull the fucking thing off, of rather, out of me, I ask him to stand on the board. I put my hand on his shoulder and give it a pull.

Most disgusting sensation I've ever felt. Just fucking wrong. I want to puke right then and there. Somehow I don't. I unlace, pull off my sock, and I've got a whole in the bottom of my foot that looks like I've been shot with a .22. Blood is streaming out like it's being poured out of a cup.

Ugh. Sock & shoe back on and we're going to the hospital.

Fast forward a few hours of stupidity which included trying to find Gallup's fine medical center, accidentally going to the Indian only place only to be turned away as I'm not yet dying from my injury, and arguing with the ER doc about why I think I should be given a prescription for antibiotics and why he thinks it's unnecessary, we did have a rather nice breakfast at Denny's round about 4:30 am.

Now it's infected, of course, because we had to drive back to Flagstaff and go to our local medial center to see a decent doctor and get a script. I'll be taking 750 mil of Cipro for the next ten days. And hydrocodone as needed. Goodie for me, I'm in outer space.

But Doc says no booze and no caffeine for ten days. I want to kill myself. She even told me to avoid vitamin tablets and other supplements at they may interact with the Cipro. So, no beer, no fucking coffee and no octane. What they hell am I supposed to fucking live on for the next week and a half?

Oh yeah. I'm going to live on hydrocodone.

At least porn is still great. I have that to live for.

At least this little episode gave me an excuse to dig around in the grimy corners of my inbox. Diggin in the crates leads to some good surprises. Occasionally anyway.

  From: Steve
Subject: Popeye's Paceline
You know how us mid-westerners loves us some fried chicken. So I created the Popeye's Paceline. It's a mobile, rotating buffet, paceline. For those long, team road rides. If you gets a little hungry, just reach in your, or a team members jersey pocket and get ya some vittles.

 

Yeah, that'll work.

  From: Bret
Subject: good troops,bad war,stupid president
Hey-
Keep up the good work jonny.
Peace

Yeah, that'll work too. Bring 'em home. And do it soon. I'm sick and fucking tired of all my brothers and sisters getting shot up for no damn good reason.

I was sitting on a park bench outside the ER yesterday, and I overheard two guys who were waiting on the injured in their lives to get sorted out. They were shooting the shit about God & Jesus and other topics I haven't the time for. One says to the other, "I've got a sticker that says Victory Please. Not Peace Please like them hippies, but Victory…"

I'm sitting there with glazed eyes, watching this scene go down. At least the younger of the two Crucifix Junkies was anti-war and not afraid to say it. I can't really understand how a man can say he loves Jesus and reads the scriptures, and then say he supports War.

Call me crazy, but what I remember from that prison they call Sunday School was a whole lotta horseshit about turning the other cheek, loving your brother and forgiveness.

Christ forgave those men who took his life.

And this pinhead thinks we should actively work to exterminate the Muslims.

He goes to church and I drink to much. Go figure

  From: Luke
Subject: the metal-hand of god
but sometimes flagstaff's weather can lead to the greatest metal-hand ever. i know this is not particularly cycling related, but shit, it's a great pic. it's from mt. humphrey's summit ridge, after my friend Little Luke (i'm big luke) and i spent four hours post holing through knee to thigh high deep snow off-trail on the mother fucker. and we didn't summit. not the best trip i've ever taken. at least it looked cool.

Yeah, it looked cool. And that would be the highest metal hand in Arizona, even if you didn't summit.

  From: mattix
Subject: a night on the town.
Last night I went out to see a friend play at George's. On Sundays they run their Monster Cup Deal. Buy the cup for $5, pay another $5 and all the cheap draft beer you can drink. If you can keep ahold of your cup, you can bring it back the next week and only pay $10. But of course, most of us lose our cup from week to week, so it winds up being a $10 all-you-can drink deal. Which still isn't too bad. Or you might get lucky like I did and pick up the cup of someone who just left and drink for free (aside from tipping the hot bartender chick). Once the bar shut down, everyone adjourned to Bess's to carry on with the action. I thought it would be a great idea to record events of the night. Now I'm wondering if I can decipher my scrawl. Minor editing for clarity.

Riding to a party at 2 in the morning, already well-toasted. All experiences have become distinctly planar. Headlights..(totally indistinguishable)..., bike swaying underneath me, separate from burning my legs. Bill Cosby jamming on unknown record (I'll have to find this, even in a sober state of recollection, it was good). People don't understand how my legs are burning. How I'm about to puke and pass out. But drive on, soldier.

With water and popcorn, the edge towards chaos is retreated from. I take a long swig of Wild Turkey to push me back closer to the edge...I'm furiously working at trying to score, but looks like I'll be luckless as ever. A banana and another glass of water does the trick and I'm ready to rock. And piss.

Hot damn. WHile out pissing on the deck, I find a cowboy hard hat. I am going to be the fuckin' life of the party. Johnny Cash and "Drive On" comes on and I'm belting along in my best baritone, but even with the cowboy hat, no one is paying attention.

"You look like a hardcore bastard." This almost makes up for my disappointing "Drive On" performance. Turkey shots are going around. Better get myself in on this action.

Somebody is going around with a video camera. I wonder if 20 years from now this will be on the Net (sober reflection: hell, it could be on the Net *today*). Me in a cowboy hat, Shay with his hand on the doorway, Sarah and Chris on guitar. My kids will come to me, "Dad, I found the damndest thing on the Net."

In a drunken miscalculation, my pen rockets into the void behind the bureau Guess I'm not as sober as I thought.

Pissing provides a moment of tranquil reflection: I need to shave There's a chick here with the same name as me, but she is too cute and Cosmo for the likes of a dirty hippie like me. Still I can't help but wonder why she is here alone and who she'll go home with.

The party starts to deteriorate and things start to get complex. I have to decide whether to ride home or wait things out and crash here. I really don't want to make the steep-ass ride home. But Lord know how long things will keep kickin' it here and a couch becomes available.

About 4:30, I run the computations and realize the chances of my getting a comfy couch at all, let alone before dawn are pretty much nil. So I suit up in my dirty red bandana, ratty hoody and AXO gloves and begin the ride home.

The hum of my Mutano Raptors fads to a growl, then a low frequency wa-wa effect as I grind up the steep climb home. When I reach my cabin, I realize I left the light on. For the briefest moment, I entertain the familiar fantasy that a girl, any girl is waiting for me in bed (now that I'm sober, I'm glad no omnipotent powers took that wish seriously). Of course this fantasy is shattered as soon as I kick open the door. Looks like the most intense sensual pleasure I'll be getting tonight is a good butt-scratching.

Keeping it real, right there.

More old shit. I have got to get that fucking message board back up and running. It pretty much sucks that I get more email than I can ever hope to post on the site. I mean, damn.

  From: elliot
Subject: how we do it in the stl.
Fri after thanksgiving i was planning on going out into the woods and camping. i even had the car fully packed. i talked to Kris and decided to hit the bars instead. (yes, i know its the story of my life.) i thought it would be more responsible and cheaper (considering the cost of a DUI) to ride the bike, not drive. so i rode from the parents house to mangia, then to Kris's brothers place at 40 and kingshighway. upon my arrival i drank half a pint of vodka with an OJ chaser. then a rather large shot of Jagger, then a miller lite. at that time; Kris, Jim , mike and i packed the bike into the bonnie and drove to the hipoint. during the ride there i drank an honest four shots of jack while the bottle was passed around the car. when we arrived pitchers of old style were abundant. i drank two glasses of crap beer, then a shot of Jagger, then another glass of what everyone called beer.

sometime after that, i think last call was up and i (noticing it was getting late) decided to ride home. the bike was locked in the trunk of the car so Kris helped me remove it. funny thing was by this time was so stupid i was not able to affix the chain to the rear wheel. (the bike in question was a surly cross-check set up single speed.) after the assist from Kris i some how stayed on for the first 8 miles or so. somewhere west of spoede on Clayton i think i either passed out or dropped the front wheel off the shoulder as a car passed. funny thing is i only remember the sound of my face hitting the pavement. i do remember it was not easy to remount the stead as i had another 15 miles to go home. i do know that it had been raining, it was dark and i was unable to feel anything. at that time i felt the tooth and thought it was loose. i road the rest of the way home and took a shower and went to sleep. guess i forgot about the tooth thing. the next morning was painful, got through the day, slept and sun morning went and shot lots of guns with the same party crew. turns out the stayed out all night hit the titty bars and saw the sun come up without any serious incident. Monday morning i called the dentist and had my first root canal. by the way, still don't have any insurance, cant wait to see how much the dental work costs.

that is the standard from which all future bar nights will be judged.

Click here to see Elliot's self portrait after that one. Kinda makes me wish I had a pic of my foot.

Not.

How 'bout a nice living will template you can print out and use? Yeah, real nice.

  From: Pete
Subject: My Living Will
    I, _________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood ethically challenged politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

    If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a __________________ (cold beer, Margarita, Bloody Mary, Dirty Martini, Rum & Coke, shot of Wild Turkey, etc...you get the idea) it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

    Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.

    Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own damn business, too.

    If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

Yeah, that'll work.

I'm out of here, go check out carlo sadolfo dominguez.


Thursday, April 7, 2005
sydney moon   I   katja kassin   I   erica campbell

There will be a Memorial Ride this Saturday at 9:00 am for Matt Kelly. Details over at Flagstaff Biking. And the article from this mornings paper is up on the Arizona Daily Sun website. There is a Memorial Fund, under his wife's name, Brenda Kelly. It is at the Arizona State Savings and Credit Union. And the account number is 450051371.

A day like this makes a man want to straight up smack that ho. Fun little game. And I like the witty one liners when you go at it with a limp wrist. Not that there is anything wong with going at it with a limp wrist. I'm just sayin'. Ah, never mind.

I somehow just managed to pull off a 309. Don't ask me how, I have no idea. And I'll probably never be able to do it again. Whatever. What fucking ever.

It's all about fixed.

Fixey fixed fix. I took the brake off the my steamroller yesterday. When I first built it up, I ran it with drop bars and no brakes. Then a flat Answer Hyperlite (remember those?). First brakeless, then with a front brake. Then back to a wider set of drop bars and no brake. Dude, my head is spinning, how 'bout you? Did you catch all that? And all this in less than a two weeks with the damn thing.

Tomorrow I'm going to put on a different stem. For no good reason at all. Just because I can.

Why can't I just leave well enough alone?

So I ask you, is Florida the most fucked up stated in the union?

You decide.

Ok, on to the mail. I've avoided this as long as I can. It's time to jump in. I'm not going to enjoy this, as you can well imagine. But it must be done.

  From: Steven B.
Subject: drunk drivers
make me sick (drunk cyclist are ok)! 7, SEVEN DUI's??!! Welcome to f'kn america! Enough said:
www1.pressdemocrat.com

Seven DUI's is fucking insane.

Our own Shaun Ray Price was "driving on a suspended license for two prior DUI convictions" when he hit and killed Matt Kelly. Two priors, and he's only 21 years old.

The fucking bastard.

In a small town you hear things. You know, little things like the Judge who decided to put Mr. Price on probation instead of tossing his ass in jail for his second DUI now regrets doing so.

He feels badly about what happened.

We all feel badly about what happened. Shit, tell me something I don't know.

Although, I must say, I hope the old Judge doesn't beat himself up to badly over this. He made a decision based on what was in front of him at the time. He can't be expected to see what will happen in the future. That isn't his job. And he certainly didn't intend to set this grim business into being.

One thing we can be certain of, this time things will be much different for Shaun Ray Price. This time Mr. Price is going on a little vacation. We're not going to see Mr. Price around for a while.

For about twenty years.

Good riddance.

  From: Ken F.
Subject: Matt Kelly
Johnny,
It is a real fucked up tragedy that this guy got killed because some lamefuck drunk could not be responsible. I can attest, due to my own experience of being hit on my bike by a drunk driver going 75mph and having my leg torn off, that it will ruin your whole day. But I got off easy compared to Matt.

I have seen someone laying next to me with their brains spilled onto the highway because of the same drunk and it ain't a good sight.

Anyone who drinks any amount of alcohol is no longer able to make the decision whether they are too drunk or not to drive based on the simple fact that the #1 side effect of alcohol consumption is it impairs your ability to make judgments.

Nothing wrong with having one or twelve beers, but if you don't care about yourself or others enough to figure out how to get home safely, you are an idiot.

I completely agree. Get your drink on. By all mean, have yourself a grand old time. But figure out how to get your ass home without hurting anyone.

Including yourself.

  From: Jason
Subject: father to be killed by drunk hit and run
Hi there Jonny;
Just read your post on the rider in Flag that was hit by the drunk driver. This one hit me kind of hard. I'm not even pissed, just sad for his wife and unborn kid. Man, there's no punishment strong enough for that fucker. My little brother just became a father, and if something like that happened to him on his bike, I don't know what I'll do.

Man, I'm sick of people in cars fucking us up when we're riding our bikes. I ride a road bike sometimes, but I feel safer booting a big jump on my downhill bike than when I'm out playing tag with cars. Fuck americans and their SUV's. There are some aspects to our society I can totally do without. I'd move to Canada if it wasn't so damn cold!

Anyway, sorry about rambling on. That post just hit me hard.

It hit us all hard. One of those straight outta nowhere shake ya up good things. But not in a good way, if you catch my meaning. More like shake you up in a bad way. Like the way that makes you real nervous riding your bike to work. The way that makes you look at traffic differently. The way that gives you the Fear.

It's a mess out there. folks. I know a lot of the people who read this site have been either harassed, intimidated, or outright hit by cars at some point. It pretty much goes with the territory. Ride on the road, get fucked with by cars.

I hate it. I wish is was different. I wish I could change it. But I can't.

Or, at least, I don't know how to change it.

How 'bout I just shoot the next bastard that swerves at me, throws a bottle, honks, whatever. Fuck with me and I shoot you.

It might actually work.

  From: Brad
Subject: Car/Bike Collisions
Jonny - Been reading about how yet another cyclist has been struck and killed by an auto.
ghostbike.org
We're unfortunately readying for another deployment here in Pittsburgh.

Maybe we need to ready ourselves for deployment here in Flagstaff?

  From: Jeff W.
Subject: Matt Kelly
I want to first extend my deepest condolences to Brenda Kelley for the sudden loss of her husband Matt.

I do not want to detract from the weight of this tragedy in anyway, but at the same time while the public is focused on an event of this nature it is a time to get people to realize how fragile life is and how respect should be given to your fellow citizens even if you do not agree with or share there interests.

My point is that drivers everywhere are becoming more and more aggressive toward cyclist due to the common believe that we are in their roads, the fact of the matter is cyclists are drivers too! We are your friends and neighbors, your local doctors, judges or waitress, students and teachers...just about every walk of life is represented on a average Saturday group ride in Flagstaff.

I ask people to check their egos at the wheel and slow down a little when passing a cyclist; as your delay may only be seconds but you may save a life! This would not have changed the outcome in Matt Kelly's situation but it could make for a change that will result in safer roads for everyone. Please respect the lives of everyone out on the road because when you're driving your vehicle you are holding another humans life in your hands!

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for sending the email.

  From: Michael T.
Subject: I just got hit by a car
Speaking of getting by a car, I just was. Yesterday on my 20 mile bike commute home, I'm flying down the bike lane at about 21 MPH. As I look down at my heart rate monitor I see a silver flash out of the corner of my eye. I look up and, surprise, Chevy Malibu time. Five feet, Five feet in front of me, I grab the brakes and they never get a chance to catch. I hit the car in the passenger side rear quarter panel, go airborne and land on the street.

As I'm laying there dazed I hear honking, and it stirs me to action. I manage to stumble to my feet and start dragging my bike off the road. I manage to get to the grass before I collapse. The young woman in the Malibu runs over and the first words out of her mouth, no shit, "I don't know where my head was". I have a few ideas, I'm sure you do too.

Next thing I know, I'm having to comfort her to keep here from going to shock. No shit. I'm bleeding, have a bout a square foot of road rash and a separated shoulder, and I'm having to keep her from going into shock. Several people saw the accident and stopped, one called the police and paramedics. The police gave her a ticket.

My K2 Mod3 is trashed. The rear wheel makes a weird clicking sound, seat is torn up, cables are trashed, shifters and pedals are gouged up, HRM is smashed, 4 hours in the E.R. I can't ride for a month and can't race for about two.

Anyone know a good lawyer in the Phoenix area?

I don't know any Attorneys in Phoenix that handle that type of work. But I have this strange feeling I'm about to find out.

Ok, if you're an Attorney in Phoenix who can sort out this mess, drop me an email and I'll forward it to Michael.

Fair enough?

  From: Kirk D.
Subject: Sorry to hear about Matt Kelly
I never met the guy. He sounds like a good human being but it's the mindlessness of it that tears at me added to all the other needless deaths. Start at Iraq and work your around the alphabet. I ride bikes when I drink because I'm too to lazy walk and I rarely drive sober because I suck at it. On the upside I was depressed because I may have to close a business I love. At least I'm here to whine about it unlike the senselessly slaughtered

Kirk
Anchorage, Alaska's best Bike-Messenger ever
*It's not so much a boast but a sad statement of fact,
I'm just an okay bike-messenger.

Big fish in a small pond, eh?

  From: Chris E.
Subject: drunk driver
What a mother fucker! As said before, don't drink and drive. It's not worth it. I got a DUI @ 21. I made myself not drive for 5 years because I realized how many people I put in danger. I could have been that driver at one time. We all could have been. Get a fucking ride. Save a life.

Get a ride, walk, pedal your drunk stinking ass home. Whatever it takes. Just don't drive.

Fuck a car.

Thanks for all the emails.

Good night.


Wednesday, April 6, 2005
lesbians rule   I   brooke richards   I   redhead for dave

Not much good going on around here today. I went for a ride, almost got hit by some asshole in a white pickup. As he drove off, he gestured wildly with his right hand, pointing at I have no idea what.

And I pretty much don't give a fuck.

It gets worse. Much worse.

Another cyclist hit and killed. And this time it was right here in Flagstaff.

We lost one of our own.

  From: Dan
Subject: cyclist killed
Hey
Just thought you should know...

A man by the name of Matt Kelly was killed last night in Flagstaff on Cedar street. He was hit from behind on his bike by a drunk driver who kept going (he later caused another accident).

I worked on Matt's bike last week at Singletrack. He poured a ton of money into it and was psyched to ride it. He was an incredibly nice guy who took the time to learn my name (the new guy in town). I don't know if any of this info has been released yet, so I don't know if you should post it on your site till you hear something, but I have a small message to all the other drunk cyclists out there:

Don't fucking drink and drive. I don't care how fucking okay you think you are, don't do it. Walk, call a cab, fucking crawl if you have to. Don't get behind a fucking death machine just to get your ass home or to the next bar.

This was a great guy with a wife and kids who died because some fuckstain couldn't handle himself.

Ponder that next time you have a beer, no matter who you are or where you are. I'll be doing just that tonight at Pay N Take.

I haven't been able to find any information online tonight. I'm sure it'll be all over tomorrows paper.

  From: Seth
Subject: Flagstaff Tragedy
Yo Jonny,
Wanted to let you know about a horrible tragedy here in town. Yesterday, one of Flagstaff's own, Matt Kelly, was hit from behind and killed while cycling up Cedar Ave. towards Buffalo Park.

Matty had recently returned to cycling in the last year or so after devoting much of the past few years to climbing. He was excited to be biking again and enjoyed the group rides around town and N. AZ. Matty was on top of the world yesterday, having found out in the space of a few hours that his Masters thesis at NAU had been signed off as well as discovering that he and his wife Brenda were pregnant with their first child. He decided to go for a celebratory ride. He only made it a mile or so away from his house before a drunk driver took him from the top of the world to the end of it in a instant.

Matty was a great friend and an irreplaceable motivating persona to many. He will be missed. A memorial fund for his unborn child has been set up at the Arizona State Savings and Credit Union c/o Brenda Kelly. Please spread the word.

This is the Arizona State Savings and Credit Union contact info page.

* Update: the account number is 450051371. Still nothing on the Arizona Daily Sun webpage, but I literally have Thursday's print version of the paper on the desk next to me at the moment, and it's on the front page. And it was a drunk driver, his second offense. I'll post links when I find them and updates on things like Memorial services. I'm sure this Saturday's group ride out Lake Mary Road will be a somber occasion.


Tuesday, April 5, 2005
big tits round asses   I   hot damn   I   kill me now

This may be the slowest of all weeks. Ever. In the history of mankind. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I've been collection all kinds of scraps and bits of paper to sort out my taxes. Oh, big fun times for Jonny.

The wind that punished my existence on this fucking rock for the last two days gave way and stayed in bed this morning. Came out to a pretty nice day.

And I'll take it.

Sunshine. Imagine that. Actual warmth coming out of the sky. Damn. That's what that shit feels like.

Sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I forget a lot of things.

  From: Charles
Subject: One more thing
Checkout today's Boston Globe:
boston.com/sports/articles/2005/04/05/brakes_still_on_for_hamilton
Then scroll down to the section called "Dope on UCI"
Does any of that information look in the least bit familiar?

Yeah. I read that on the Velonews website April first.

Yep, I'm talking about April Fools Day. As in, it was a fucking joke and not true.

Good looking out, John Powers of the Globe Staff. Way to fact check.

Like I have any room to talk in that department.

I went out on my new Voodoo two niner today. Two and a half hours on the dirt is one of the longest rides I've done this whole damn year. I tooled around a bit by my lonesome, then met up with Gitty and the Husky Midget.

Then I watched Husky come up a little short on a gap jump.

Thud.

I told Gnome about the ride. And he shot me back this via email:

  From: Gnome
Subject: RE: shirt ideas
Husky and Gitty huh?
Why don't you just put that Leadville entry up on Ebay so someone can make use of it.

Damn.

Gnomie just swung yard on that one.

I guess I should wear my Leadville belt buckle tomorrow so I can show him what one looks like. Because he doesn't have one.

And then he can show me his National Championship jersey from Brainhead. Because I, ahem, don't have one of those.

So, I'm wondering, does Freedom prevent Terrorism? That's what everyone is telling me these days, but I'm not so sure.

  From: darockie
Subject: strange site: H.E.L.L.O.
just bumped into this strange site about beer and space, undefined experiments, weird but cool.
h-e-l-l-o.org

Yep, its strange all right. I found signs of alien life, and when prompted to enter a name and zip code, I was informed finding the little green guy only gets you a t-shirt if you live in Holland. Bunk.

  From: gentleman jonny
Subject: roadies are weird fucks
I know who this is and what team, but I ain't sayin.
thestrangerlustlab.com/looselips/032405_looselips.html

It might be better that you don't.

Is it Snake?

  From: George
Subject: Republican Punk
Republicans are the man???

The man is the government. Which one is offering cradle to grave let the government take care of you bs? They're both the man, but at least the repubs are making lip service to less government the dems don't even pretend. You got a problem, republicans say take care of it yourself, dems say you can't do it on your own. Me, I want to be left alone to do my thing and the repubs will let me, the dems won't leave me alone....

All I wanted was a Pepsi.

It gets better.

  From: John
Subject: Nazi fucks
Hey man,
I just checked your post for the day, you know, that one where the nazi-piece of shit conformist wrote in calling himself punk? He closed it wishing us "an happy james earl ray day." Do you know he is talking about?! The little pansy-ass gay-bashing nazi fucker was referring to the man who killed Martin Luther King (and possibly Larry Flint...along with many others who opposed racism). Now, I am down with the fuck bush thing, like a motherfucker. But the nazi-shit? Well, that's why I don't like bush in the first place. All this from some fucktard who called himself Adrcok ( the name of a Beastie Boy). How motherfucking original, he must be a god-damned genius. Anyways, something tells me that you wouldn't be all about the nazi little trolls, and I thought that you may want to know....
Oh, and fuck that sorry little peice of shit, I am a cyclist and I never expected to say this, but I hope he gets hit by a fucking car. Twice.

...and I hope to be the lucky driver...little nazi fuck....

I let the James Earl Ray comment go. Maybe I shouldn't have. I don't know. I don't usually do much with the emails I post except maybe spell check 'em. And that reference just let you know where this guy was coming from. He's either a) trying to be funny, or b) he really is a racist sum bitch.

I'm hoping its the former rather than the latter.

  From: Zeb
Subject: dump delay
Since your hell bent on Delay enjoy this letter
lewrockwell.com/orig6/dalton1.html

Yep. Me. Hell. Delay.

I'll save him a seat by the fire.

  From: Three Cat Zoo
Subject: A scumbags scumbag
De Lay must figure that he's put so much distance between himself and any sort of rational frame of reference for his behavior that shit like this won't even get noticed.

The man is simply the tops.

  From: Sessa
Subject: Cuitlacoche
Here's a taste test of the Cuitlacoche -- which comes from corn fields that have been infected with spores. The resulting Mexican "delicacy" is corn that's black, bulbous and frightening. In just a single serving, you'll experience a wide array of textures. Without getting too gross, it's because the disease is more advanced in some kernels than others. One bite might be kinda chewy, while the next might burst in your mouth like a black pus-filled blister.
thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000344.php

Don't miss the balance of the Steve, don't eat it archives.


Monday, April 4, 2005
kennedy   I   loriann   I   nikki

Sweet Christ, Monday already. The weekend had to end sometime. Go figure.

I spend another night building up another bike. I'm on a roll. Nice pun, eh? Just fucking shoot me if I do that again.

I'm dipping into the 29er market with one of these Dambalas. I figure I had such a good time kicking the ever loving crap out of Big Jackass's 29er single speed at the Old Pueblo race, I might need one of these things for my self.

Why not right? There is still room in the garage. Why not fill it?

My wife likes to watch Sex in the City. I asked her if I was like Carrie Bradshaw writing about my friends, feeling and fears on the computer each night: i.e. hookers, strippers and pornstars.

She said, no, what you do would be called 'Sex and Get Shitty.'

  From: Adrock
Subject: random shiat
First of all, I have some news you would appreciate from this punker Republican on the west coast (namely me). My president has let me down. Bush's actions as of late make me scream WTF! This ain't the man I voted for. I still won't swing Democrat. I am not about to turn gay just because of a bad experience with a dumb cunt whore. Just kick her aside a find another chick more worthy.

After months of wearing my Live Wrong bracelet only two people have asked what it is -- my partner at work and a seemingly shocked nurse. Maybe everyone is afraid to ask because they think it is in memoriam to some fallen whomever. May I live up to it everyday.

As for clever friends, my roadie friend turned fat, drunken freerider wishes everyone on Jan 17 a Happy James Earl Ray Day.

Punk + Republican = WTF.

You heard it here first.

I'm still not sure how you can be punk and republican at the same time. Libertarian I can see. Leftist, sure, I can see that.

But Republican? What happened to Fuck the Man? Republicans are the Man.

But, at least we can agree on one thing: Fuck Bush.

I stand corrected. There are two things we agree on. The second on being Live Wrong.


Sunday, April 3, 2005
ashton   I   kelly   I   lesbians rule

Well, happy Sunday. Last night I caught a show by me new favorite band stereotyperider over at the Monte Vista.

It kicked ass. Do not miss this band. Go see them. You will not regret it.

Tom Boonen is a bad mother fucker. He just won the Tour of Flanders. And he's all of 24 years old.

God damn.

"It's nothing but a bunch of leftist organizations that have a public strategy to demonize me, and usually they overreach," DeLay told Fox News and other news outlets.

Notice he didn't say something like 'they are over reaching'.

But they usually over reach.

Yeah. Usually. Not always. Just mostly. So, sometimes they aren't over reaching?

Are you sometimes a demon? What is it you are trying to say Delay?

  From: Eric
Subject: PBR single speed
hey i saw your link to Dirt rag and their april fools stuff, on the subject of the PBR bike, here's is a crummy picture of my PBR surly.
mp4runner.com/gallery/album11/P1010061

beers and no gears, have a good one

Word.

  From: Russell
Subject: Very cool Eurotrash commuter mag
This is a cool mag that my shop receives. Its all about alternative transpo
velovision.com

Word.

  From: Cody
Subject: Check these out
cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=7295&item=7146196768&rd=1
cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=7295&item=7146207798&rd=1
Hey Jonny your site kicks ass. I have spent many an hour (at work) looking at your porn & other foolery etc... great shit. I just posted some fenders that I do (you saw the last couple that I posted a few weeks back) on ebay. Could you be so kind as to help a fellow boozer, porn addict, and cyclist out by putting a link to these on your site...? Sorry to hear about the lame strip clubs in Amsterdam... that kind of sucks a fat dick. You would think that there would be some quality shit around there. Thanks. Cody.

Those are some nice looking fenders. I'll tell you this much, dear readers, if you're gonna run a set of fenders, you can't do better than these. Just look at those things. Pimp.

The crunkest of the crunk.


Friday, April 1, 2005
lesbians rule   I   steffi? stiffy?   I   sunshine

Happy April Fools Day.

I'm fresh outta jokes, so fuck it. I got nothing. I finished putting together my Ciocc tonight. And by finished I mean I did everything after the headset. She looks nice, I may even ride her tomorrow. We'll see. Maybe I'll just start drinking at 10:00 am instead.

I'll flip a coin.

Check out a little Dirt Rag action.

I'm cooked. One email and I'm out.

  From: Ryan
Subject: Living Will
Living will is the best revenge
By ROBERT FRIEDMAN
Published March 27, 2005

Like many of you, I have been compelled by recent events to prepare a more detailed advance directive dealing with end-of-life issues. Here's what mine says:

* In the event I lapse into a persistent vegetative state, I want medical authorities to resort to extraordinary means to prolong my hellish semiexistence. Fifteen years wouldn't be long enough for me.

* I want my wife and my parents to compound their misery by engaging in a bitter and protracted feud that depletes their emotions and their bank accounts.

* I want my wife to ruin the rest of her life by maintaining an interminable vigil at my bedside. I'd be really jealous if she waited less than a decade to start dating again or otherwise rebuilding a semblance of a normal life.

* I want my case to be turned into a circus by losers and crackpots from around the country who hope to bring meaning to their empty lives by investing the same transient emotion in me that they once reserved for Laci Peterson, Chandra Levy and that little girl who got stuck in a well.

* I want those crackpots to spread vicious lies about my wife.

* I want to be placed in a hospice where protesters can gather to bring further grief and disruption to the lives of dozens of dying patients and families whose stories are sadder than my own.

* I want the people who attach themselves to my case because of their deep devotion to the sanctity of life to make death threats against any judges, elected officials or health care professionals who disagree with them.

* I want the medical geniuses and philosopher kings who populate the Florida Legislature to ignore me for more than a decade and then turn my case into a forum for weeks of politically calculated bloviation.

* I want total strangers - oily politicians, maudlin news anchors, ersatz friars and all other hangers-on - to start calling me "Bobby," as if they had known me since childhood.

* I'm not insisting on this as part of my directive, but it would be nice if Congress passed a "Bobby's Law" that applied only to me and ignored the medical needs of tens of millions of other Americans without adequate health coverage.

* Even if the "Bobby's Law" idea doesn't work out, I want Congress - especially all those self-described conservatives who claim to believe in "less government and more freedom" - to trample on the decisions of doctors, judges and other experts who actually know something about my case. And I want members of Congress to launch into an extended debate that gives them another excuse to avoid pesky issues such as national security and the economy.

* In particular, I want House Majority Leader Tom DeLay to use my case as an opportunity to divert the country's attention from the mounting political and legal troubles stemming from his slimy misbehavior.

* And I want Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to make a mockery of his Harvard medical degree by misrepresenting the details of my case in ways that might give a boost to his 2008 presidential campaign.

* I want Frist and the rest of the world to judge my medical condition on the basis of a snippet of dated and demeaning videotape that should have remained private.

* Because I think I would retain my sense of humor even in a persistent vegetative state, I'd want President Bush - the same guy who publicly mocked Karla Faye Tucker when signing off on her death warrant as governor of Texas - to claim he was intervening in my case because it is always best "to err on the side of life."

* I want the state Department of Children and Families to step in at the last moment to take responsibility for my well-being, because nothing bad could ever happen to anyone under DCF's care.

* And because Gov. Jeb Bush is the smartest and most righteous human being on the face of the Earth, I want any and all of the aforementioned directives to be disregarded if the governor happens to disagree with them. If he says he knows what's best for me, I won't be in any position to argue.


 
Paying the Bills

Kona Bikes

Coconino Bikes

Showers Pass Saved My Ass

drunkcyclist video store

Adult Friend Finder

Pay-n Take


Heavies
aclu
air america radio
american prospect
andrew sullivan
antiwar
bbc
beast
becker-
posner-blog

blows against the empire
bull moose
chomsky.info
cnn
crooks and liars
daily kos
democracy now
democratic underground
economist
eye of the storm
fairness and accuracy in reporting
fighting bob
get your war on
green party
guerrillanews
huffington post
ilana mercer
jim hightower
juan cole
life after the oil crash
matthew yglesias
maureen dowd
media matters
michael moore
move on
news vine
new york times
national public radio
old american century
paul krugman
rude pundit
slate
smirking chimp
talking points memo
think progress
tpm muckraker
truth dig
truth out
whiskey bar
whitehouse
wolfblog
wonkette

Blog Roll
alaska bike blog
antibike
arctic glass
attytood
austin king
bacon strip
barb haley
becky broeder
bikeblog
bikescag
biken breakfast
blasphemous bicycler
broken spoke
cola bike
cows-suck
dara marks-marino
defeatists
douche blog cycling
epic rider
escortblogs
fables of the reconstruction
fat marc
flick lives
gewilli
handlebar sandwich
jethro bodine
joel yates
kerry litka
mooseknuckler alliance
le societe des demoncats
lorelei lee
old and slow
one speeder
paul katcher
phil zajicek
pro bike support
racer jared
ride trash
tree farm
richard sachs cross reference
river rant
rottenmac
soggy frog
steevo
steve garro
stolen underground
the doof sucks
todd wells
two wheeled locust
upside out
voodoo blog
wolfblog

Coffee Achievers
caffeinated cyclists
53 x 11 coffee
doma coffee
veloce coffee

Games
boob puzzle
bush shoot out
chuck norris
clay kitten shooting
copter
cub shoot
line rider
line rider official
neverland
old school
paper toss
penguin game
scooter death
shooter II
star poker
watch out behind you hunter
wagenschenke

Heroes
us military casualties

Philly Phorever
ashburn alley
billy penn project
desert eagles nest
eagles. aolsportsblog
philadelphia eagles
philly.com

The Sixers.
The Flyers.
The Eagles.
The Phillies.

Last 20 Visitors










Doreo Hosting :: Affordable Reliable Solutions

  DrunkCyclist.Com 2007