I'm pretty much over being sick, thank God. Took me a couple of days of staggering around like an idiot to start feeling normal again.

And I hate being sick, by the way.

The Giro is in the books, and what a good one. I didn't think Cunego was half the man he turned out to be. But, bike racing is about surprises, isn't it?

Dru Miller got second at Iron Horse this weekend. Good looking out, kid.

White Trash party tonight. I can't wait. I'm going for the grand prize.

No holds barred, motherfuckers.

Saturday, May 29, 2004

for sheezy   I   anita   I   redhead for dave

Yeah. I'm still here in Flagstaff. I am not in Durango having fun. I did not shake my ass to Brethren Fast, if I even spelled that right.

I'm just here.

I wrote something about the Flames yesterday. Well, check out this. Game three tonight and I'm all about the Flames.

I'm also going against the Lakers, but it seems I'd have better luck holding back the tide. Game five in that series today.

God damn it, can anyone beat the Lakers? I figure the Pistons or the Pacers have no chance in hell.

Fuck it.

Hell of a Giro stage today as well. I've got to wait until 12:30 to watch it. But, I can follow it online. Yee haa.

More from Tony Bagadonuts.

From: Subject: Can I get in on the road porn stories? Jonny, A couple of years ago we had a road race that left town and did a big loop a couple of times which ended at the top of "Heartbreak Hill" (a + 20% grade over 1/2 mile long) the second time up it. It was a great race, but it ended some 30 miles away from the start (where most of us left our cars) and the way back was all into a strong headwind. Big groups started forming eschelons on the way back, and as we passed a magazine in the ditch, my buddy asks "Did you see the porno in the ditch during the race?" I was out of the group on my way back for my only prize of the day before he could turn for a response. There it was almost hidden in the grass. I dismounted snatched it up and hammered my way back up the he group. Once I got back on and caught my breath, I discovered I had picked up one of the raunchiest mags I've ever seen. The girls were OK, but the poses made Club International look tame like Playboy. To entertain myself, I folded this smut up so a really nasty pic was showing, stuck it in my jersey pocket and rode up one side of the eschelon then back down the other making sure everybody could see the picture. Then I would sit on the back and find another really lewd shot and do the whole thing again. Since this was a group of all guys, I wasn't worried about offending anyone, so after awhile I tired and forgot about the fact that I had XXX photos sticking up out of my jersey pocket in full view. Half way back to town, we all stopped at a gas station for some junk food and cokes. I was waiting in line to refill my water bottle when I heard this sweet southern female voice, directly behind me ask: " Is that a girly magazine?" I turned around red-faced to see a female racer (and wife of a friend of mine) grinning at me. Beet red and sooo busted, all I could say was: "Yeah, and it's a nasty one too." She probably already figured that one out since the picture she could see showed a chick in a position that would make your cat blush. We all had a good laugh, and I re-learned an important lesson: Never forget about your porn.

Yeah baby. Addition, brain damage and the President.

You down with the clean and green?

And I'm feelin' this one. Nader Calls for Impeachment of Bush Over the War in Iraq .

If they went after Clinton for lying about a blow job, I figure Bush deserves the same treatment for bullshitting all of us into a fucking stupid war.

What do you think about Iraq?

Christian Exodus, you feeling it?

And, I'll be damned, I almost missed this one:

From: Corey the Courier Subject: DO YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY LADIES PROTECT AMERICA MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY! AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES. SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSES COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS. CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT. ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK IT'S OKAY TO SEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN. AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT. FOR GOOD MEASURE, HAVE VARIOUS PORK PRODUCTS COOKING ON YOUR BBQ GRILL. THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY. GOD BLESS AMERICA! IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY.

Word up.

I think one more email and I'll wrap this up. It's damn near my nap time. Again.

From: Steve B. Subject: more single speed rant If VeloNews wants proof of single speeders beating geared bikes they have to look no further than cyclocross in Portland Oregon. We introduced a single speed category at the Cross Crusade series www.crosscrusade.com this year (biggest series in the World with over 300 participants a race) that saw over 40 single speeders come out for the first race and all series they were beating the Cat. B geared boys they raced against. The SS series also had a scoring system where a competitor could earn extra points by wearing just a Speedo which became a popular competition in itself! In addition to Travis Brown winning at Cross Nationals (later disqualified because he was a Pro which is bs.), we introduced a single speed category to Cross Nationals that had over 30 participants and the USCF/UCI officials loved it! Like SS MTB, SS cross is cyclocross at it's purest. No worry about shifting problems from mud and such, just ride! Also, even though it's old news guess ol' VeloNews missed the headline during their "research" of Kelly Bikes own Stella Carey winning the geared class at the 2003 Shasta Lemurian Classic while on her single speed. kellybike.com/pr050203.html Ok, thanks for letting me vent as that article peeved me to no end and drove me to drink (more)! cheers, steve b ss mtb and ss cx enthusiast

Rockin'. A couple of years ago I was stumbling around the trade show all loaded, when I saw the most kick ass single speed cross bike at the Kelly booth. She was lean, green and mean. And God damn did I want her.

I still do. No disrespect to my geared Voodoo cross, but damn, is that Kelly ever a sweet looker.

It does beg the question how many bike can you fuckin own fatty, but I'll duck that one for now. I don't think I could ever have too many bikes. As long as I'm able to ride them from time to time, like once a year, I'm happy with it.

Apparently Idaho is not the place for competent medical attention.

And here I thought my bus ride to school sucked. I don't know shit. I had it good.

And I'm out.

Friday, May 28, 2004

maliya   I   anita   I   bianca

Thank God it's Friday and all that. I couldn't be happier. Really. I'm sick on a holiday weekend.

Check out flamegirls.com. It's all about what happens at the Calgary games. Well, not so much at the game itself, but afterwards at the bar. And out in the parking lot. And that sort of thing.

Who knew Calgary was so fucking off the hook?

Not me. I chalked it up to frozen tundra. Man, was I ever wrong.

Ah, I just love being sick. It's fucking great.

From: Tony Bagadonuts Subject: I just had to think of the drunkcyclist Here's what the local crit promoter sent out: We'll have a quick Beginner/Cat 4 race between the C and D races tonight. This is to give the newbies and older guys a chance to not get lapped 3 times, so no "been a Cat 4 for 5 years" guys please-you know who you are :-) There will also be some "beverage" primes in the A & B races, see you there.

Sounds good to me, if I could fucking ride my bike this week. Recovery is for fucking pussies. Full speed ahead, cough, sputter, wheeze.

Shoot me.

Good times over at white trash world.

I give up. Nap time. Fuck being sick. Looks like I'm not going to Durango today. Great. I'm stoked. Couldn't be happier about it. Really.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

devon   I   alyssa   I   jadra

Today I actually caught the live OLN coverage of the Giro down at the coffee shop in the morning. Seems one thing I can do is site here and watch tv. Just in time to see Tonkov take the stage. I especially enjoy his cadence. What's he climb at, 45? Right on, Pavel, mash that shit.

Take a look at tomorrows stage.

And, what a relief.

Lemme tell ya 'bout Mormons.

From: Mike Subject: Re: the Mormons? look, this place is like living in an expatriates community you are surrounded by nationals, you don't speak the language you don't understand why they carry little underwear suitcases to church you never know if they won't swarm over the walls of your compound and rub you all out and they all drive big SUV's never slow at right stop signed turns and constantly on cellphones with silicone breasts and their personal tank full of Prozac it's a fukkin nightmare here

Good times.

I feel like hell.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

anita   I   jj   I   redhead

Here it is midweek and I feel like shit. I thought it was allergies this morning, but I am beginning to suspect it may be something far more sinister. Like a nice fat cold. My head feels like it's filled with fucking peanut butter.

Just perfect. I couldn't be happier about it. Really. I've been planning on spending the weekend in Durango riding my ass off. And this really isn't helping me out in the Ride Your Ass Off department.

The way I feel right now, I'd be lucky to get off my ass this weekend.

It started coming on last night. I had my lean on, as I was feeling pretty damn tired. Bensy asked me, "Are you loaded already?" when he saw me slouched up like a mother fucker.

"Nah," I said, "I've had one beer."

Went home and slept like the dead. Such was my night.

Today, home from work and straight into a nap. Woke up with a puddle of drool on the pillow when Gnome and Jackass Justin burst in after their ride. Oh, it was the tops.

I decided to beat that mother down with some hot ass Tai food, thinking it had to help. I'll tell ya, no one sets the world on fire like the Tai.

A big ass bowl of that soup will set you straight. Although, I don't want to get to far ahead of myself. I hope to wake up feeling like a god damn champion tomorrow and catch the Giro. It's going to be a good one.

Fuck it, on to the mail.

From: Subject: Hey Jonny, what's up? My ass is smoked from a 13 hour epic MTB ride(single and rigid!). Me and three geared buddies rode from Sierra Vista to Patagonia on the Arizona Trail. The distance was only 50 miles, at least 40 of which is singletrack! This route is fucking sweet! You're either going up or down, lots of tech, lots of hike a bike(geared boys pushed everything I did). Ride time would have been an hour quicker except for a wrong turn onto an illegal alien trail near Patagonia which ended up being a bushwhack through the scratchiest shit I have ever seen, which I promptly dubbed "Death Grass"(promptly meaning immediately after endoing into a big patch of the shit). I probably spent an additional 2 hours waiting for the geared boys to catch up. Ride ten minutes, wait five. And so it goes. This would be a good route for some kind of unofficial Arizona State Singlespeed Point to Point Marathon Championships race! The pizza afterwards at the Velvet Elvis made the whole thing worthwhile, that and the 40 miles of ST and the awesome scenery. And regarding the whole SS racing class thing, Arizona State Championships, Sport 30 to 39, third place for the series ...Me baby! One gear, all seven races! Does that count? Most of those guys were glad that I didn't have gears. Good times, but next year it's back to the SS class to kick it with my bros.

I've heard that part of the Arizona Trail is pretty fucked up. But I guess you know all about that now.

And good looking out in the sport class this year.

More from my man Response in Southern California. Oh, he just loves it out there. Trust me.

From: Subject: I get pulled over in my Jeep. Me: Problem officer? Cop: AZ plates huh? Me: Yeah Cop: Vacation? Me: Yeah. Cop: What's in your center console, is it locked? Me: Yeah it's locked. Listen Ponch are you looking for something in particular or is the some kind of shake down? Cop: Mmm hmm, gimme your license. Disappears for 5 minutes while talking on radio. Cop: You can let me take a peek in that lock box, or I can get a warrant and things will get ugly. Me: Alright, check it out Cop: Rummages through my crap, finds $5 swap meet Rambo style knife and signature DC beer cozy. Cop: DC huh? What's that supposed to mean? Me: Drunk Cyclist Cop: Drunk huh? Me: Uh huh. Cop: Sticks knife in his belt and takes said cozy to his car, talks on radio. Cop: Returns, Um, you can go. Me: relieved, haul ass out of city. Get 4 blocks before I realize I got my shit yanked. Confused why Jonny Bad Vibes kyped my Signature Big Jonny bestowed DC gear? Are the boys in blue hip to your shit? p.s. I am not worried about said Rambo knife, it is cursed...

Stealing a man's beer cozie… That's just low down mean.

Send me your addy and I'll send you out another cozie. Can't have ya out there with your beer getting' all warm and shit.

One more and I'm out. Time for the Fat Man to go to bed.

From: C. Subject: Hey Jonny, I'm just another cyclist dude down here in Prescott who has been read'n through your stuff for quite a while now. I'm always amused to say the least. I think you briefly touched on something the other day that I'd like to see you run with a bit more. The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) in Alaska is one fuck'n amazing place. I've been there. I've stood atop a grassy knoll as I swatted away giant mosquitoes so I could get a clear view of a thousand Caribou as they thundered from horizon to horizon. It's like no other place on this earth. There's no amount of words I could cram into an email that would accurately convey the shear beauty and rarity of that place. To try would be a waste of everyone's time. You just have to see ANWR to believe it's real. So I get a little pissed off when some red necked mother fucker in his jacked up SUV bitches about gas prices and starts drooling over the thought of poking holes in ANWR for another quick fix of gas. Get a Civic, dill hole!! Bush and his Halliburton pals just can't wait to drill into ANWR, even if it means destroying one of the word's most pristine habitats. Now, I'm not some grungy tree hug'n type. Hell, mother nature probably has my number and is going to have a tree fall on me on my next ride, but even I have to draw the line somewhere. Fuck'n up a natural wonder like ANWR for a tank of gas in your Ford ExpeNavigataRover is stupid to say the least. Bush....what a fuck'n dill hole.

Monday, May 24, 2004

not really a redhead   I   attn. ray   I   good times in the kitchen

Group rides are interesting things. Up here in the northland on Saturday morning, the roadies all meet up at the Late for the Train coffee shop downtown. Sometimes it's about twenty folks. And sometimes it's less than that.

This week about 50 people showed up. Cool. With Flagvelo putting on the Summit Center Classic next weekend, a ton of people are here to scope out the parcours. I'll be in Durango.

This weeks Tuesday Night Bar Crawl will be an abridged version as we're checking out the cycling movies over at the Orpheum for Bike Week.

Ok, I'm really only going for the bike messenger movie. I could give a flying fuck about Pee Wee Herman. Even if he is a bigger porn freak than I am.

God bless 'em.

And, while I'm handing out props, I've got to say the fine folks at Flagstaff Biking do a lot of really positive things here in the northland. And I want to thank them for it. Check out this planned loop trail.

From: Lines Subject: Cycling news... way better then Velo News Dude check it out. cyclingnews.com/tech.php?id=tech/2004/reviews/white_ind_eno_eccentric_hub It's not really an article about single speeds but it does have a good one liner in it, "single speed bikes are cool. One gear, no excuses. Old school. Hard core. Want to go faster? Simple. Pedal faster." That's what I am talking about.

I won't rip on Velonews, but I will say that ENO hub is one bad ass mother fucker. I know a few people running them. Simple, easy, and it works. What more could you ask for?

If my bike didn't have horizontal dropouts, I'd be running one of those. In a hot minute. As it stands, I'm pimpin a Paul hub to the fullest.

From: Mike Subject: The fucking best when that done w/ that ride, you're a fukkin Centurion fuk what this web site says .. it's like 116 miles I hear, and a huge portion of the ride is on blistering fukkin Moab rock. Where you are crawling up ledges and shit, at that snail rock riding pace ....yeah baby ... you come back, you're a Centurion, nobody fukkin cares, you don't get a piece of unleavened bread, you don't get a BJ from the girlfriend, you're just happy to be alive, if you're not hallucinating mtbr.com/trails/Utah/moabcenturion.html mtbr.com/pscTrails/United,States,Trails/Utah/,Moab,Centurion It is still one of those ride, that is only done by a few .... It's done the day / night of the full moon in September ... I think you should bring a posse ... and we will rage against the rock, and return bloody and near dead.

Wow. I say again: Wow. That's tearing the lid off, right there. That run down of trails is what most people try to pull off on a four day weekend up in Moab, not in one straight shot.

I can say I'd like to do it. But, to say I'll be there at the start this year would be a line of shit.

What a ride. I tip my hat to the guys and girls that pull that one off. God damn.

More road side porn stories. And who can get enough of those?

From: Chris Subject: Thanks Hey Johnny, I am one of the many who enjoy your site. I wanted to thank you for taking the time to put it together and for having all those great links you include. I don't feel like the odd one out anymore. It is nice to see others that don't buy into the bullshit that gets flung at the American peeps these days. I got a road side porn story you might get a laugh out of. I mountain bike year round commuting back and forth to work, 34 miles per day... sun, rain, snow or what ever else the weather gods or demons decide to throw at me. So, I am racing the wind cruising down one of the dead end streets that leads to the bike trail when I look ahead and spy the latest Hustler mag sitting on the side of the road. As any red blooded biker would do, I of course scan around and find no one else within ear shot. I stop, roll it up and stuff it into my Camel Back Cloud Walker and head on into work. I get to work, shower and grab some breakfast soon forgetting all about it. Later in the afternoon one of the girls at the office gets a cut on her finger. I say, Hey I have a first aid kit in my backpack and proceed to open the zipper and dump the contents out onto my desktop. Just as the mag starts to fall out I realize what is about to happen. Fucking Hell, what an embarrassing mess. When everyone sees it on my desk I thought I was going to get sent to HR. Luckily the prudes had not been there at that moment so I got to keep my job. The chick who had the papercut got a laugh out of it so everything was cool. I still have not lived this one down. It is at least once a week some dip shit makes a joke about it. So let that be a lesson to all of you, hide the porn on the side of the road and collect on the ride home!

The real question is, will you pick up the next magazine you find?

I'm willing to bet that you will.

How about my man Petacchi winning 8 stages in the Giro? A new post war record.

I always wondered what the whole "post war" thing meant. I mean, Alfredo Binda won 12 stages back in '27. That's the record. Anything else is just table scaps. Eight is fucking unreal, don't get me wrong. But why are we prefacing it with "post war"?

I suppose Petacchi could get one more on that dead flat run in to Milano on Stage 20. If he's still got anything left in him at that point after all those ugly mountain stages, that is.

And I think he will.

Just when you think I've beating this thing to fucking death already, another email just strolls on in and helps itself to a beer out the fridge.

From: Adam Subject: Travis Brown Need you remind Mr Juskaitus "aka. Mr Technology" that one Mr Travis Brown was pushing around a mustache handlebarred single speed cross bike to win the 30+ field at Cross Nats this past December in Portland, Ore.

Good point. And duly noted.

Have you seen Bush's busted up grill after his little tumble? And what about the bike?

From: Bert Subject: Bush Crash In reference to Bush stacking his Mt. Bike; how the fuck do you scrape your chin, upper lip, nose when you have a helmet with a mouth guard? I guess if he can nearly choke to death on a pretzel, anything is possible.

I'm as lost as you are on that one. From the looks of it, he managed to wreck the shit out of himself.

Yep. Keep his ass away from those fucking pretzels.

Think of the children, man. The children.

And what the fuck is up with this whole bullshit story about rain and loose topsoil? The guy fucking wrecked, can't they just admit it?

Check this out.

I hear Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility. Serious

Saturday, May 22, 2004

flat tire?   I   natalie cruze   I   lesbians rule

The Flyers just lost to the Lightning. Game seven in Tampa Bay was all Lightning all day. God damn it all to hell. Fucking curse of Philly sports. I've managed to stay out of the bar so far. Wish me luck with that one.

At least it wasn't a three point fiasco like the Eagles gave me in the NFC Championship game back in January.

At least it wasn't like that. Because that, my friends, sucked fucking donkey dick.

I'm screening my calls, but I am answering emails. Already they're coming.

From: J Subject: sorry for your loss sorry for your loss man, being that I am anti social I watched game 7 from the confines of My lil apartment, which is attached to my landlords Big house...My screaming and pounding brought him to my door. Seems the 98 year old bastard thought I was killing something. NOPE just pounding on the coffee table. It was a great series, lightning made it thru. now what about that Free beer they are going to give away?

Ah jeez. I don't imagine they'll have much trouble selling tickets down there in Tampa Bay now. And fuck, I need the free beer.

Looks like Andrew Juskaitis took the ribbing we gave him in stride. Well, fine. Good. Super.

In his new little ditty he says, "...I invite single-speeders who routinely finish in the top five to go head-to-head with their geared comrades in the age/ability categories where they belong. If they can repeat their top-five finishes, then my hat will be doffed with the deepest respect, for that truly would make a single-speeder hardcore. Anything else is simply a sorry excuse for a quick ego boost for the racer looking to cut corners for glory."

I don't know what the corner cutting thing is all about. First, one must recognize, that singlespeedin', like pimpin', ain't easy. So said Big Daddy Kane.

The Gnome got first in the single speed category and second overall at the Whiskey 50 two weeks ago. I guess the would count as repeating a top-five finish.

I don't feel the need to talk about my result. Same as always: I wasn't first, I wasn't last, I just was.

Children, today's lesson is Gnomes are fast, and Big Fat Jonny's are not. Any questions? Ok, who wants cookies and milk?

So, I've finally got it figured out with this whole Presidential election bullshit. Really, I've got it nailed. Kerry is a roadie and Bush is a mountain biker.

My God, it's so simple. How did I now see it before.

Now all my questions have been answered.

Except the one about how a fellow mountain biker fucked up the whole damn world in four years. Still haven't figured that one out.

And, Christ Almighty read this.

So, I found this casualty counter. It's big, it's ugly, and the numbers on it aren't much to look at either.

At least I'm not bitching about the Flyers anymore.

From: Dave Subject: Wrenchin' and racin' in Italy Hey Big Jonny, I'm a big fan of the site. I'm working for a bike tour company in Italy for the summer season. It's my second time working over here and while I spend the 9 to 5 maintaining these beautiful Sora equppied bikes, the rest of time is well spent exploring the road rides around here (1 hour S.E. of Bologna). Keep up the great info on the political situation of the U.S.!! And, check out this race I just signed up for over here (I think it's the biggest amateur race in Europe). www.novecolli.it

Some guys have all the fun.

I've been endlessly spinning DJ Dangermouse's Grey Album all afternoon. I think I'm on my third listen. Holy shit, does this thing kick ass.

One of the best things I've heard in a long time.

I just found out this race even exists. I am so out of the loop. Check out the LOTOJA. 203 miles of fun for everyone.

The League of American Bicyclists named Tucson, Arizona, as one of the top four "bicycle friendly" cities in the country. Right on Tucson. And right on League of American Bicyclists. Thanks for doing what you do.

If it looks like horseshit, and smells like horseshit, it must be Halliburton.

More wacky news. This time out of New Mexico where a teacher lost his job over allowing students to write and recite an anti-war poem. Looks a like some more horseshit to me.

I'm gonna wrap this one up with some love up in Ancorage.

From: Kirk Subject: And another thing… Hey, It's Kirk (the one bike messenger in Alaska, as far as I know) Last time I wrote it was tirade about lawfully shooting dick head motorists, sorry but they piss me off. Anyway another thing that annoys me people whining about how there's no MTBing here in Anchorage until June 1st., one of my fellow Anchorage residents was posted on your site doing that a few months ago whining about that. I let it slide but now that I've got a more then a few beers in me I must respond and so to my fellow Anch. resident I must say. "Bullshit! Be a man dress for the cold slap a pair of Nokions (good studded tires) on you bike and ride! If you want a mountain bike adventure ride to your nearest store and buy a bag of chips, in winter here that's fuckin' mountain biking!"

I feel the love, do you?

Friday, May 21, 2004

wtf, zebra stripped hat?   I   dani   I   redhead for dave

How fucked up is this I killed innocent people for our government article? What a way to start the day, eh?

I had to go in and chop up the May updates. Seems the page was getting upwards of 400k and downloading about as slow as all hell. Fucking big ass clumsy html pages is just what I do. And I strive to do it well.

Older news, a couple of days in the tank, but I'm always a bit behind the 8-ball around here. So, here goes: Postal lands a big, yet unnamed sponsor. Which is good news for all cycling fans, as they are by far the biggest and most successful American team. I'd be nice to see them continue.

The actual sponsor's name, everyone is pretty tight lipped about. But I hear it may be, can you believe it, Wal Mart. Hey, stranger things have happened.

I'm sure I'll catch some shit for that one. But, oh well. Catching shit is just what I do.

If you like Kurt Vonnegut, as I do, you'll probably like this link, as I do. Weee.

So, I read this story over at media matters about how this doochebag Glenn Beck is called Nick Berg's father "a scumbag" over his reaction to his son's brutal murder. Whatever floats your boat, Glenn.

Our friend Glenn is a Mormon recovering alcoholic. Read that twice and let it sink it. A Mormon who couldn't handle the drink. I mean, I've never heard of such a thing. Ahem, well, ok I have.

On Glenn's site there is a poll asking if the US should release crude oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to ease high gas prices. I, of course, voted no.

89.7% voted yes.

The real dandy of this is how misleading the question is. The reserve is in case we're totally fucked and need to keep the country rolling. It's not as big as one might think. Well, it's huge, but when you compare it to the insatiable thirst of my gluttonous fellow Americans, well, it would hardly make a dent. It'd last us a whopping 60 days. And that's all. Two months, and we're on empty.

And that's if the reserve is full. It isn't. Right now it sits at "281 million barrels, less than half the level of the 645 million-barrel reserve." Read it here.

You want to talk about thanks like National Security? Why don't we try and top off our reserves, and each pay our part to do so. Folks are actually suggesting we dip into a reserve that is hardy adequate in the first place, so they can save a couple of bucks on a tank of gas. And, short of that, the winds at the hill blow cries to divert oil from filling the reserve to approach the same ends: Lowering gasoline prices.

These people aren't even Conservatives, they're just ignorant, greedy fools. How many "Support the Troops" stickers have you seen this week on the back of a big ass Dodge four-by? And the same asshole driving that Hummer H2 would do damn near anything to keep the price per gallon at a buck and a quarter. Fucking bunch of bastards they are.

And, one must try and remember, we pay less than damn anyone in the world for gasoline. I'm serious. We pay far less. And, we bitch and moan when we start to approach half of what a gallon is worth in Belgium, France, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom. Check it out for yourself here.

You can read all about Texas Tea over at oil.com, if you so inquire that sort of information.

Chalk this one up as a short Friday update I suppose. Whatever. I'm doing the local group ride tomorrow morning for the first time this year. I am so going to die.

If I had an SRM like Snake, mine would read, "you suck, fatty".

Thursday, May 20, 2004

straight up sex   I   devon   I   josie wilders

The Flyers won tonight in overtime. What a ride. My heart stopped beating a few times in there. Fuck, what a game. A few times there, I thought all was lost. But, the Flyers kept pounding away and they never quit. God damn, that was a good game.

I can't wait for Saturday. Game seven. Man, I love a good series.

Speaking of which, I'm going with the Timberwolves over the Lakers. Yeah, I know, the Lakers are just about fucking unbeatable, but I'll always root for whoever they're playing.

Why? Because I fucking hate the Lakers, that's why.

From: chris Subject: bikes only just thought I would drop you a line to let you know about a new indoor "skatepark" in Phoenix that is bike only! www.freeridebmx.com I know how you like to support the AZ scene and I bet there are a few BMX riders that check out your site... spread the word.

The word is spread, my man.

And, here is some more fun stuff for ya to check out.

From: Mark Subject: Bend Oregon Festivities Hey Johnny, Another great event in Bend Oregon to check out! I am including a copy of the press release so all of the good beer drinking folks can come and check out the fun. www.imba.com "Long Live Long Rides" FOR QUICK RELEASE May 13, 2004 Contacts: Kent Howes, event director, 318-9986, kenthowes9986@msn.com, cotamtb.org, Harold Olaf Cecil, DVA, 389-2411, harold@dvaadv.com EVENT DATES: JUNE 5 AND 6, 2004 Celebrate Pedal Power! Central Oregon Trail Alliance presents the 3rd Annual Bend Bicycle Festival (Bend, Ore.) Central Oregon Trail Alliance (COTA), local chapter of the International Mountain Bicycling Association, invites all pedal powered people to a weekend-long celebration, the 3rd Annual Bend Bicycle Festival. Crank your cruiser to The Shops at the Old Mill on Saturday, June 5 and Sunday, June 6 for two fun-packed days of events designed for participants of all ages, abilities and interests. Admission is free, with a suggested $5 donation to help the festival grow. 2004 Bend Bicycle Festival highlights include: * All-comers short-course mountain bike time trial race * Unicycle demonstrations and test rides * Bicycle demonstrations and test rides * Trials riding with shoots, ladders and benches * Kid's bicycle skills contest * Organized road and Cog Wild trail rides with free shuttle (suggested donation) * Bend Bicycle Cab rides * Big Brothers & Big Sisters bicycle swap * Food and beverage vendors * Tour de Twins, a family friendly ride in conjunction with the 14th Annual Commute Options Week, June 5-13z * Tire changing contest * Live remote radio broadcast by Classic Rock 98.3, The Twins * Raffles to win top-notch schwag * 3rd Annual COTA Ball membership drive and party, an admission-free, all-ages shindig Saturday from 7:00 p.m. to midnight at the Domino Room of Midtown Rock, Rink and Roll. The COTA Ball features music and dancing, two-dollar pints of Deschutes Brewery Phil's Trail Ale, wine, spring water, free bike valet parking service, rides by Bend Cycle Cab and awards honoring top volunteers. All proceeds from the membership party benefit COTA's advocacy and maintenance efforts on behalf of the Bend-area trail system, which is widely recognized as one of the best in the U.S. For a complete listing of events and details, read the event guide in The Source on June 2, or go to bikecentral.org for schedules and recommended pre-registration. The 2004 Bend Bicycle Festival is sponsored by Bend Cycle Cab, BikeCentral.org, Classic Rock 98.3 The Twins, Cog Wild Bicycle Tours, Commute Options for Central Oregon, Hutch's Bicycles, International Mountain Bicycling Association, On the Way, Pine Mountain Sports, Sunnyside Sports, The Shops at the Old Mill, Vulture Cycles and Web Cyclery. About COTA COTA, local chapter of the International Mountain Bicycling Association, is a volunteer group comprised of trail users who have taken responsibility for the trails loved and used by all. COTA works in conjunction with USFS, BLM, Bend Metro Park & Recreation and other land managers to create, enhance and preserve the trail system for mountain bikers. For membership and volunteer opportunities, join online at cotamtb.org.

Right on.

And it just don't stop.

From: Rex Subject: 14 jars of Vaseline and porn? What the fuck was this guy thinking? Was 13 jars not enough! story.news.yahoo.com/news?…

Yeah, I guess 13 just leaves you wanting.

Well, watching the Flyers take that one into OT and come out with the win has just worn me out. I am so out of here.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

group sex   I   asia carrera   I   bobbi eden

Last nights Bars on Bikes was a smashing success. Smashing because I got smashed, and success 'cause I didn't crash. Long Live Bourbon on the Urban.

I should've checked this out first.

From: Robert Subject: Glad I'm an East Coaster Big Jon, Watch "Helms - A round of shots" here comedycentral.com/tv_shows/ds/videos.jhtml I'd be careful on your next Lycra-clad bar crawl...

Live and learn.

Go check out rack attack.

So, is this irony?

From: George Subject: a shout from the other side of the pond hi, check this shit out, news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/3709289.stm politics.guardian.co.uk/iraq/story/0,12956,1215815,00.html looks like those so called photos of soldiers abusing iraqi's might actually be fake. FFS! and whats worse the wanker behind all this shit a certain peirs morgan, see the following media.guardian.co.uk/site/story/0,14173,1216134,00.html a person who is certainly one to court controversy for the sake of it (and has recently paid dearly in the courts for it - naomi campbell is a case in point) is refusing to quit. As a certain and I am sorry i dont know his name US military man said I have given up reading papers he, has got it spot on the media are a total bunch of wankers money and sensationalism first, true facts and the effects on people lives sometime later / never. I have no doubt that this total bollocks went some way to causing that US service man to be so brutally murdered. yeah so there are a few of us brits as fucked off with the situation as you boys in the USA.

I hope those pics are fakes. It would be nice if you British could be counted on to behave yourselves. Unlike my fucking looser brethren on this side of the pond.

What a bunch of bullshit, eh?

But, somehow I doubt it. I'd like to believe in innocence, but I'm far to jaded at this point.

How 'bout Rockwell getting busted. Miles is going on a little "vacation". We're not going to see him around for awhile. Like a couple of years I imagine.

And can someone even tell me why pot is illegal?

I don't even smoke the shit, and I don't see any reason people shouldn't be able to. I mean, how does it affect me if someone gets high? I get drunk and act like a doochebag. And that's legal.

I just don't get it.

Fuck it. Go read what O'Grady has to say on the subject.

I also don't really get what's happening over in New Mexico at Otero Canyon.

Great. Just great.

From: CRS Subject: Single Republicans If you think singlerepublicans.com is scary, type in singledemocrat.com.

Hmmm. I guess liberal fucks just use adult friend finder.

From: nick Subject: not at all safe for work joker-inc.com ramdomtits.com walpole-group.com

Well, I guess you were warned about hitting those links at work. If not, good luck with your new job.

From: sWill Subject: Beer Belt bwild.com/beerbelt.html I think this would be a great addition the porn on any Century ride!

As do I, my friend. As do I.

I can already see Big Pun with two of those things slung over his shoulders like a couple of bandeleros chock full of fresh cartridges.

Now, lets get into the Andrew email. I won't post them all, just the top ten or fifteen.

Ok, I'm joking. But I did get a metric assload of email on the subject. I'm just going to post a couple for ya'll to read. Thanks to all of you who wrote in.

From: John Subject: Single Speed Ranting Andrew Justkaitis blows. If he is too weenie to ride a single speed, nobody is making him do it. I think the mainstream bike magazines are product whores who are incensed that some would refrain from buying the latest from Trek, Shimano, etc. If we take his argument further shouldn't all those damn runners have to compete along side cyclists? "I'm slow because I'm not riding a bike."

From: Jonathon Subject: single speed categories As for your answer to the velonews columnist, thank you. I agree with you that single speeders should be allowed to race together if they want to. I don't think that the economic viability of a class is the ONLY thing that defines a class of racers though. As you pointed out, it is about racing others and drinking beer or camaraderie (as Benedetto put it) afterwards. I think that the essence of the race is a bunch of racers mutually agreeing on a course to travel together, with a promoter acting as a facilitator. There are certain rules that are agreed upon by the body of racers, like no drugs, motors, impeding others, etc. A race is not just about promoters making money, but about an agreement between racers to ride a certain course, with certain rules, and a goal of completing it in the least time. The economic viability of a racing class is a sign that racers want the category and hence to race others on a course with similar rules. Unfortunately, race promoters have decided to capitalize on this and charge $25 or more for a single race with none of that money going into a prize purse for the racers. I appreciate the hard work that a race promoter does facilitating a race for single speeders and open classes alike, but it has gotten excessive. Many promoters have recognized economic viability and have become greedy.

From: Bobby Subject: Andrew jerk-office It sucks that Velonews doesn't recognize that the attitudes displayed by the cum-bags that were Mountain Bike magazine staff were the reason that said rag is all but gone. Please forward this to Andrew. "If I can't kick your ass on my single-speed CYCLOCROSS bike then, I'll beat you senseless with cans of PBR."

From: matt Subject: fuck that velo guy Andrew jukasis can sit on his stable platform bull shit (it seems to me another thing to sell and bull shit reporters to write about) the point he tries to make does not at all. any time singlespeeds are forced to compete with their geared cousins is bad news. how many races with long slightly down hill road starts have you had to endure? me three or more imagine big ring mashing making you feel like you are moving backwards. fuck that shit man pisses me off I would rather ride my fixie road bike off road than some over complicated stable bull shit bike any day and twice on sunday call it pride, stupidity, or love.

From: Gnome Subject: Tuesday May 18, 2004 Na, I think they ought to mix up the tech like ol' "andy" suggests. Just plain disregard the SS class. And if I get to race in the same race as that fuck, first I'll pummel him in the race on my stooped one geared bike, and then I'll maim him in the parking lot afterward. And of course, it will be more of a mercy beating. I'll focus on the knees because so far, from reading his "report" he really has no use for his shins unlike Hanks Dad. I expect He'll find little difference without the lowers as his cock swilling will not suffer. What did Husky Midget say? "he's getting his tonsils pipe cleaned"?

From: Rudolph Subject: Shiny New Hardware Many people consider me a luddite when it comes to my bicycles. A hardtail with a suspension stem. Yes, derailleurs, but I am working towards single speed simplicity. I remember my first race: I picked all the shiny new bikes and figured if I did better than them, I would be happy. I figured I could pick off some single speeders in my age group and the one above and not look too bad in front of my friends. Well . . . Let's say that I learned I really don't need to have the latest tricked out gee-gaws to win (those old farts beat my time by a huge margin). Let people ride what they brung: as long as they keep kicking my ass they're welcome any place I ride. Actually, they don't have beat me, as long as they smile while they ride . . . why not join them.

From: that anton guy Subject: single speeds you made some great points but missed one obvious reason to have a different classes for different bikes. each bike requires a slightly different skill set to ride. a road bike on a track would be ridiculous because its doesn't require that power production at high cadences. i've never raced single speed mtn bikes before, but i can imagine that the skill set will be different and that a guy or gal who excels at racing one won't excel at the other.

I hope you enjoyed all that as much as I did.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

masuimi max   I   paige   I   redhead for dave

I gotten a couple of emails about the rantings of one Andrew Juskaitis over on velonews.

It seems our Andrew doesn't think much of the single speed "characters". And he mentions one Jason Grove. Could that be the same Jason Grove I bought my road bike from? I wonder…

Andrew, just back from a session of corporate cocksucking in Moab, the bastion of bastards, was feeling a little plucky. "And as luck would have it, a quick call to a RockShox product manager resulted in a freshly-built, long-travel Pike being delivered just in time for our departure." Oh, good for you, Andrew. I'm glad you can ride brand new product all weekend and "reiterate my assertion that RockShox's Motion Control is quickly becoming my favorite 'stable platform' damping system" via your velonews "report".

It must be a nice life.

Now, for the rest of us that can't afford to tool around Moab on our "2004 Specialized S-Works", we do something else. We run what we brung. And that bike may only have one gear.

But, you weren't complaining about single speed bikes so much as the concept of single speed racing. Well, let me break it down for ya brother.

For my first example, I will illustrate the right of existence of a single speed racing class in terms of BMX. Yes, I said BMX. A couple of years ago, some friends and I would head out to the track on Friday nights to watch a couple of buddies race and drink beer in the stands. The way is worked at the Chandler BMX track was if you had six guys or girls of the same ability, age, or on the same bike, cruiser or whatever, you had yourself a class.

That's right. The only things that determined the viability of a class was paying your entry fee and lining up with five buddies. The gate dropped and away you went. Some won, someone lost and everyone had fun.

Speaking of viability, let us speak of the concept of economic viability. Call his my second example if you like. Here in Arizona, we have a fine organizations called the Mountain Bike Association of Arizona, or MBAA. A few years ago, it was decided to create a single speed class in the mountain bike series. It was on Saturday morning, the first riders off.

The women's classes and Rockcrusher came later in the day. And the men's classes, sport, expert, semi-pro and so forth took place on Sunday. By placing the single speed race when they did, riders were able to do more than one event over the course of the weekend. In fact, if you signed up for a second class, you paid something like ten bucks. It was a good deal and many riders took advantage of the opportunity.

In short, the concept worked. A service was offered, and its time and cost were agreeable to the public and it succeeded. It was challenging, fun and exciting. The single speed class grew as more riders entered the class. It earned it's right to exist in the state series in my opinion.

Which leads us to the "Technology is no reason to designate a separate category" part of Andrews misguided effort at earning a paycheck. I mentioned the Chandler BMX track earlier in this little ditty. If you were to show up down there with a fixed gear track bike and wanted to run a few laps, they wouldn't even let you on the course.

Same story if you were to roll up on the San Diego velodrome with a 20" BMX bike. Hell, they won't even let you on the track with a regular road bike because it has brakes. No brakes allowed on the velodrome I'm afraid.

What am I talking about? I'm illustrating that technology has created many different forms of bike racing. Downhill, observed trails, pursuit racing, time trails, road racing, and cross are all events that are contested on different types of bicycles. You can't very well do cross race on a bike built for trails events, can you? Of course not. That would be foolish. About as foolish as suggesting there shouldn't be an opportunity for single speed folks to race each other.

We've been tweaking the two wheels and pedals concept for years to create new ways to enjoy cycling. And then we've created events so we can beat our buddies and then drink beer with them afterwards.

Following my man Andrew's failed logic, we all should be riding Specialized S-Works bikes equipped with the Rock Shock Pike fork and nothing but. I look forward to watching Paris-Roubaix, the Tour de France and the Olympic Track events being contested astride Specialized S-Works bikes equipped with the Rock Shock Pike forks.

It ought to be interesting.

There are other things that come to mind when writing a piece such as this. Like, for example, one could counter, well jonny, all the types of bicycle racing you suggested are different because single speed and geared mountain bike events are held on the same course, sometimes only hours apart. They could be combined, as there is no reason to separate them.

True, perhaps. But I did attempt to thwart this line of argument by mentioning the right of economic viability. If enough people will pay the entry fee and line up to race, maybe we ought to let them?

That said, I'm going to ride my fixed gear around tonight to a bunch of bars. I'll hoist one for my new friend Andrew, as I both ride and drink the opposite of slowly. No excuses here, friend. It's all about the love.

I figure he'll appreciate it.

Monday, May 17, 2004

adriana   I   hello nasty   I   redhead for dave

I've linked it before and I'll link it again: The Idiot Son of an Asshole.

And what's up with Michael Moore? He "knew a year ago that Disney had no intention of distributing it"?

WTF?

That said, I'm sure I'll go see the film. Why? Because I've just got to experience it myself.

More in the "WTF" category:

From: Chris Subject: tron Maybe this is up your alley, maybe not… ibiblio.org/jmaynard/TRONcostume

Um. Yeah.

From: Mike Subject: what the fuck? I mean what are you supposed to say to this: deseretnews.com/dn/view/0,1249,595061347,00.html You have a point there, but the way you comb your hair, it's hard to tell? I can't believe this crap is actually written and published like it means something. What next? Are we going to interview delusional schizophrenics about what their voices have been saying, and how it relates to world events. Give me a FUCKING BREAK!!!

My personnel favorite is the argument the "dinosaur bones were put in the ground by God as a test of our faith.

In other words, no matter how overwhelming any scientific evidence may become, it is all just a trick by God to see if your faith is strong enough to overcome that onslaught of seeming irrefutable evidence.

It's a good line of argument is as much as it's impossible to defeat. By setting the battlefield along lines of faith, victory is assured. How can you argue with faith?

Sad when people your related to buy into that bullshit, but what are you going to do?

From: Erik Subject: http://www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com/ - NYC update johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com Now THAT is a webpage that speaks to MY demographic! Just to keep you updated on the NYC goings on… I went to court for my riding the highwheel in Grand Central Station. The cops (about 12 at one point) hit me with a trespassing charge… and that shit didn't stick! Turns out it is considered a public place, and thus trespassing does not apply (I did not bring up crossing the velvet rope, or the fact that I was riding a highwheel). April 30th was the NYC Bike Show/ Critical Mass Ride/ RollerDisco afterparty Then, two days later, it was The Great Five Boro Bike Tour - 50 miles on the highwheel with 30,000+ New Yorkers! This past Friday was the start of the Black Label Bicycle clubs RUN FOR YOUR LIFE weekend event. A crazy night of PBR, great music from the turntables, all types of bicycle art and photos, and of course, all kinds of crazy bike riding during the whole event. My personal favorite was two bikes side by side with a single old fashioned steamroller wheel up front. With that thing ripping around the whole night, it was probably the most dangerous bike event ever! There was supposed to be a showing of The Road Warrior, but that got postponed because the party was jumping. The next day was topless flaming bare-knuckle tall bike jousting among other assorted craziness. Tomorrow I'm going down to the city to become a Japanese celebrity, or I guess I should say a celebrity in Japan. That's right, Fujisanki Communications International, Inc. (Iron Chef folks) is going to do a live broadcast for their equivalent of NBC's Today Show. It is going to be an 8 minute live segment about bicycle culture in NYC. 20 Million Japanese, and 200,000 American's will wake up to me on the highwheel! I've got to go and finish setting up my fan page now. How do you say "I love your school girl uniform", in Japanese? Oh yeah, and this coming Friday I'll be leading a bicycle parade to the Annual NYC Bicycle Film festival weekend. Bike Month is The Shit!

Yes, bike month is the shit. I just got back from building up my new fixed gear. I'm fucking stoked about it.

And that website is speaking to my demographic as well.

He's earned my vote. The fucking doochebag.

From: GPickle Subject: Road Porn! Hi Jonny, long time no see, mostly because your sorry ass was not on RAGBRAI last year, a situation I am quite sure you will remedy this year, right? My relationship with road porn is long and rocky, here is a highlight. A few weeks ago I was out with a couple of friends for an easy spin when my eye caught a splash of color in the ditch that I knew could only be the high quality packaging of a pornographic video or two. I immediately hit the brakes and announced to my companions that I had spied porn and would be back with them in a jiffy. I climbed down in the ditch and was rewarded with 2 porno titles my dad would surely be proud of, "Airtight" and "Naughty Babysitters" or something like that. One of the boxes was empty but the box was very informative so I thought I should at least share it with my friends. I was out of the ditch and back on the bike in a flash, pedaling quickly to catch up. When they looked back to check my progress I raised two fistfuls of porn in a victory salute and realized that my left foot was not clipped in (mud in the cleat from the ditch) and it rolled off the front of the pedal. I crashed, taco'd my front wheel and badly ripped my new LG shorts. I did hold onto the porn, though. Made it home alright where the tape broke as soon as I hit the PLAY button. Must have been out in the ditch for a reason, I guess. ROAD PORN RULES!

Yeah, I'll be trying to make it out to Ragbrai this year. It pains me deeply to miss it. The full week is out of the question, but perhaps I can swing the first half. I dunno. I suck.

And road porn does rule.

From: Brent Subject: Best Female Bike Pic Hey Jonny, Have you seen this one before? First is the article, second is the picture! Enjoy! bikebiz.co.uk/daily-news/article.php?id=3802 mtb-news.de/fotos/data/509/3780perfect_ass_mountainbike-med.jpg

I had not seen that before. But, I feel better as a person now that I have.

One more and I'm out.

From: John Subject: Got time to answer some questions about the site? Just in case you were wondering we're now officially fucked for life in Iraq. Until this week I still believed some good could come of Dick and Don's excellent adventure, but we've so thoroughly crapped the bed now we don't have a chance. Those miserable little skanks and punks in the prison photos? Rumsfeld's alter egos, every last one of them. If I'm enraged, and I am, I shudder to think how this is going over in the Arab world. They'll be lining up around the block to join the jihad now. 4 more years of this administration will mean the end of life as we know it on this planet. I didn't touch my bikes all winter, so I guess at two an' a quarter that makes me an honorary big Johnny too. I pretend I'm going to be "peaking for the Vuelta...." In reality, I just suck.

Shouldn't be too hard to tell I didn't exactly post that email in its entirety. I just threw the juicy bits at ya.

I especially like the part about Dick and Don's excellent adventure.

Ain't it just the fucking truth?

Thursday, May 13, 2004

crissy moran   I   link removed  I   benz

It's after midnight, so I can call this Thursday's update, right? Ok, good, now that we've got that settled, let's move on.

Click here to see a whole bunch of pics from the Whiskey last weekend. You can see my stupid ugly ass getting tailed off on the steeper part of the pavement climb leading into the singletrack in # 16. Don't miss the "suffering gnome" pics like # 23. Oh, they are great.

Did I mention the little bastard got first single speed and second overall?

Yeah, he's a bad ass.

And I beat Jake down in the sprint.

I'm sure as pay back for that little dig, he'll put twenty five minutes into me at the Squealer again next year. The bastard.

This electric contraption looks fun. Not that I'm looking to drop 5 grand on a toy in the near future. But, whatever.

And, oh God, this is fucking awful. I can't even look at that.

Oh gee, good, we need to find another 25 billion for Iraq. Just fucking great.

Any of you really motivated bastards out there might like to sink your teeth into this next one:

From: Tall Todd Subject: NORBA/IMBA Trail Tune-Up Grants Available NORBA/IMBA Trail Tune-Up Grants Available For Immediate Release 05-6-04 Contact: Brandon Dwight, IMBA brandon@imba.com 303-545-9011 Seven $500 NORBA/IMBA Trail Tune-Up Grants are available to mountain biking groups seeking to expand trail improvement projects. Plans to create or improve trails used for mountain bike racing will receive the highest consideration, but grants can be applied to trails used for race training and recreational riding. Applicants must be current members of IMBA as well as NORBA members or race promoters. Trail Tune-Up Grants are completely funded by National Off-Road Bicycle Association (NORBA) members through an optional land access checkbox on NORBA license applications and renewal forms. The program is administered through a partnership between the International Mountain Bicycling Association (IMBA) and NORBA. Mountain bike clubs are encouraged to submit applications for NORBA/IMBA 2004 Trail Tune-Up Grants before the June 1 deadline. Visit the IMBA website: (imba.com/resources/grants/index.html) for more information.

Sounds good to me. Especially if you happen to live in New Mexico. Check out this next one.

From: Bonnie Subject: Hey Jonny, I know you've posted info on Otero Canyon before. Just wanted to let you know that the air force base has begun posting armed guards at the military land boundaries to issue citations for trespassing on military land. There are no signs posted to inform hikers or riders when they have crossed that boundary. There are no warnings to turn around. There is no way of knowing that you've crossed the line until you've been cited and escorted off the area by an armed guard. Even military personnel who are out mountain biking are being cited for trespassing. I called the base and spoke to a Major in the public affairs department who wasn't able to tell me which trails were kosher to ride and which weren't. Please feel free to call Kirtland Air Force Base at 505-846-0011.

Let's just hope something good can come of all that. Somehow. Sorta like the whole conservative dating websites out there. I mean, that shit just fucking scares me man.

Montel Williams, yeah, he smokes the tree.

Read this. And then get pissed.

From: Mike Subject: monkeyface why do we denigrate chimps like this??? Oh the Chimpanity!!!!! webdesignlab.co.uk/niksthings/masking.html

Oh the Chimpanity indeed.

Now on to roadside porn.

From: Brad Subject: roadside porn I thought I'd share my experience with found porn with you. Apparently there is an old traveling salesman's ritual of purchasing mags when they are on the road to keep them company while cooped up in their hotel room. When they are finished or it's time to check out, the unwritten law is to leave the porn behind for the next guy. The magazine is slipped under the mattress where it sits until someone else comes along and finds it, they use it, put it back, and so on. I work for an airline, so I spend 3 or 4 nights a week in hotel rooms and I can't tell you how many times I've been surprised to find brand new, top shelf mags. I've seen everything from 5-6 mags at a time to pictures printed off of the internet. I always honor the code and leave them behind for the next guy. I guess the point is, always look under your mattress when you stay in a hotel. There won't be one there every time, but eventually you'll score.

Next time I'm in a hotel, I'm taking a look. I just pray to God I don't find a dead hooker.

From: MK Subject: Century Companion Porn Your story and others of the roadside porn prompted me to tell you about me and my friends' habit of doing Century rides with a porn companion. The night before a Century we will visit the local liquor store for Booze and Porn. Getting trashed and choosing the right girl to accompany each of us on our bikes while pounding out the miles seems like the perfect thing to do to get ready. Sometimes the girls are prominently displayed taped to the spokes, top tube, stem, back pocket of jersey or wherever is required to provide friendship, comfort, inspiration, laughs, etc for the duration.

I've taped what I like to call a "stem stoker" picture to my handlebars in a couple of 24 hour races. Something to look down at and say, yeah, the world is Ok. I can keep on pedaling. Look down again, she's still there, smiling back up at me. Talk about soothing the savage beast.

I haven't relied to porn to heavily for century rides up to this point. But, from this day forward, it's all about nudity with me.

Which begs the question: What else was it ever about?

Whatever.

From: Geggy Tah Subject: you cox can't take away my cycling coverage jonny, made a horrible discovery yesterday. Cox Communications, the primary provider of cable television services in the Phoenix area, decided to change their channel offerings. Right before the stinking first of the grand tours. You know me, so you know I'm on the phone and ready for a big fight with those Cox, but in my case it will only cost me another $2 a month to have it added back. The customer service person that took my call, mentioned that she'd received a lot of calls today on this specific channel change (there were a number of changes, but OLN is the one people are calling about). She also replied that they track the incoming calls, and even get into specifics as to what channel. This situation got me thinking a bit. First, if they took away your OLN also, you gotta call. Second, let's be our own lobby. If we demonstrate an unmatched loyalty to those people and companies that sponsor and support cycling, then they are more likely to support us back. Sorry Lefty, but it does boil down to dollars. If cyclists become known as very loyal and supportive, then more companies will try to earn our business. That means more sponsored teams, more bike lanes, more politicians legislating for harsher punishments for those that run us over, cut us off, throw junk at us on the roads.

I agree. If your OLN got yanked, pick up the damn phone and make yourself heard.

I may be a left leaning kinda guy, but I know money makes the world go round. At least, most days. Companies spend advertising where they thing it'll bring them a benefit. A return on their investment, if you will.

But, I'm not buying a Subaru any time soon.

Check out this gallery of pics from the Cruiser Crit out at the Fruita Fat Tire Festival. It's all part of the Pete Fagerlin experience.

And don't miss the Giro updates from Magnus Backstedt over at velonews. Definitely worth your time.

I'm going to wrap it up with this next one. Then, I'm hitting the sack. I'm looking at about four hours of sleep at this point before I need to head down to Phoenix to catch a plane. I'm just a traveling fool it seems.

This is what the Lightning have to do to get people to fill the seats: Give away unlimited free beer to season ticket holders. It's almost enough to get me cheering for them. And how sad is that? I need unlimited free beer for all the Eagles games next year. The bastards owe me that much at least.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I guess we're doing the bike bar crawl again on Tuesday. If you're in town and interested, 7pm @ Pay-n-Take sets it off.

Anyway, one more email. It's a damn good one. Fucking strike one up for the good guys. Next update should be Sunday night. I am so outta here.

From: Brad Subject: Bike Haters Hey Jonny: Wise words that were uttered recently - "bike commuters are NOT fucking mailboxes..." Well, to refresh you memory - this is what the judge told the two fucks who had been terrorizing the community of Fort Collins, CO for hitting bike commuters from their Jeep with an aluminum baseball bat when he sentenced them last Friday. The two kids (now 18) agreed to accept a plea bargain and so I (along with their other dozen or so victims) was invited to make a statement at their sentencing hearing. And let me tell you, I made a fucking statement. While four other victims decided to show up and read pre-prepared statements, I spoke off the top of my head, from the heart, and from a very hostile part of my psyche. Hearing the statements of the others was intense, heartbreaking really. One young, petite woman (yeah, half of their victims were women) recalled laying in a pool of blood in the dark, deep facial and head lacerations, not knowing what the fuck had just happened to her, then crawling barefoot to the nearest home with porch light on to call 911. Crazy shit. Anyway - here's what the two little fuckers got, and let me say that I gave them one hell of a 'stare-down' the whole time they sat meekly, dumbly with their public defenders. Each got a Class 5 felony on their permanent record - "Menacing with a Deadly Weapon" for the guy swinging the bat and "Vehicular Assault" for the guy driving; two years in the CO Dept. of Corrections; responsibility for paying full restitutions to the victims (some had hospital stays for multiple months); and 5 years probation. I would have willingly given all that up for a good 5 minutes of alone time with each of the punks but that's not how things work... The last part about the 5 years probation is interesting...After hearing our statements, the judge raised what the original plea bargain listed as 2 years to 5 years. And for an 18 year old, that's a fucking eternity. They'll be back in the shithouse sometime during that period. The judge was a stud - really, I usually don't show such respect for public legal figures, but this guy put down the law! He made the two little fucks shake and cry with his 20 minute speech to them, saying things like "your behavior is totally unacceptable in a civilized society"...and the coolest thing he said was that throughout the legal hearings, the two boys never said "why" they did what they had done - driving around town hitting innocent bike commuters with a bat and then robbing many of those who fell off their rides and lay injured. Was it merely entertainment? They even ran one guy over! I was able to hold on (my heavily-loaded courier bag took the majority of the blow) and attempt to chase the fuckers down on the singlespeed. In my statement I reminded them of this, saying hey look, it's me, they guy you hit and than drove-like-hell away from like fucking sissies...when you had the vehicle, the bat, and the numbers on me. If I would have caught them, it may have been me on trial for attempted murder - imagine the headline, "man beats two youths senseless with steel singlespeed bicycle..." Anyway, this leads me to where I began this update, and that is what the judge ended his sentencing with, "people on bikes are NOT mailboxes to strike for your entertainment". I never thought I'd hear those words quite in that order and context, but I did.... Crazy shit...

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

monica   I   jj   I   lesbians rule

Took me a bit to put my usual Giro link deal together this week. What a fucking week, by the way. Could I be any fucking further behind the eight ball?

Well, when it comes to eight balls, I'd say I'm right behind it. And about to get driven straight into it from the look of things around here.

Yeah, yeah, I know. No update yesterday. What can I say? I'm busy as a mother fucker. Leaving town again tomorrow. Yep. A brother like me is always up to something.

I'll just get right into it then.

From: Response Subject: War on Terror I seem to recall some white boys blowing up a building in Oklahoma. No ties to the Middle East. Seems they were fed up with something or other. My point? The barrel of the war machines weapon, ain't just pointing at the bad guys you see on CNN. Remember old Ronny Reagan's war on drugs? It was a war against people. The war on terror is a war against people namely, you and me. A witch hunt. Keeps us all nice and stirred up. Makes it's easier to allocate lots of money to poorly disguised attempts to save us from the devil his self. I am hearing a lot of people getting loud about their patriotism. So loud in fact that they can't listen to reason, or even hear themselves think for that matter. Has television become so influential that anyone who can operate a remote control can feel like they know everything about everything without exception? If ignorance were dogshit, the average household would be uninhabitable. People half listening to the news between unhealthy ! doses of American Idol, and whatever melodramas the networks are shoving up their asses. Seeming intelligent people with good jobs and good educations are parroting what they see on TV. They quickly criticize anyone that does not agree with the prez. They are willing to overlook glaringly obvious faults in the logic in what is being spoon fed to them by controlled media. They give up their freedom and privacy (what are you afraid of, hiding something?) like it was not theirs to begin with so long as they get to continue driving their suvs like assholes, and can still get their biggy fries and soda pop for their overweight kids. We love war so much, we have declared it on ourselves. I am terrified..... Sorry to hit you with some much shit. I am fucking pissed off. Here check out this link, more freedom coming at ya. lewrockwell.com/roberts/roberts43.html And a great quote from our buddy.... "When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing more to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader." -- Plato

This county is full of scared stupid mother fuckers. And I mean full.

Ah yes, the Great Prison State. See how happy we all are? With the highest per capita level on incarceration in the world, you had better be happy. Or we'll throw your ass in the clink. And quick.

Step in line, mother fuckers.

Big props to Greg who rocked a shirt this weekend which read: "A village in Texas is missing its idiot."

Well said.

This next link is old, dated, and requires a membership to the Washington Post webpage. But, fuck it, it's worth it. Trust me. Click here to read about "…the point of being the greatest, most powerful nation in the world and not having an imperial role…"

Aren't Conservatives just plain scary?

Not a whole lot scarier than this shit: Nicholas Berg, of West Chester, Pa, was murdered in Iraq. And the bastards that did it filmed it. The fucking bastards.

Why?

Because the world is full of assholes, that's why. What a fucking waste. Shit just pisses me off.

And thank God at least some American media choose not to actually show that whole video.

It's out there if anyone really wants to watch it. I'm not going to link it, so don't even ask.

Now this is interesting.

From: Ian Subject: No more Monson Road Race Jonny - Aloha from New England. Included here is a letter from long-time road race promoter Mike Norton of Massachussetts that I believe is pretty self-explanatory. He ran two very professional days of bike racing this past weekend and this is what he has to show for it. I have to agree with the town, though, that we do act like a bunch of assholes - to get parked and registered I had to drive a live portion of the course which was populated with bunches of dropped riders (outside their rolling enclosure) who were spread out all over the lane. And this after all racers were all told at the start that once dropped we would be on public roads and subject to regular traffic laws. Have some respect, people, and in 5 years we might still have a couple of races to attend. Thanks Jonny, and keep up the good work - Ian Connecticut Original Message: You are receiving this message as a registered participant of Monson Road Race ------------------------------------------------- I just want to inform everyone that the Monson Road Race will no longer be held due to a variety of incidents that occurred this past weekend. You should also be aware that the incidents that I am referring to are a direct result of many of the racers themselves. Unfortunately, their inconsideration and inability to respect the town and community has resulted in the Chief of Police denying any further request to hold this race in Monson. I have just been informed by the Town Selectmen that the Monson Road Race will no longer be approved due to several reasons: (1) Unsafe warming up on the race course. Many racers thought they could warm up on the course prior to their event, forcing cars toward oncoming racers. You were warned not to warm up on the course, yet many of you disregarded this announcement and it resulted in unsafe conditions and one of the main reasons for the denial of future events here. (2) Many riders off the back of the main pack felt that the entire road was now theirs. Again, this resulted in very unsafe conditions and traffic backups. The Police felt that these straggling riders were unprotected since they seemed to be riding all over the road. As many of you know, it is very difficult promoting bike races. I have strived to provide the best racing conditions possible, trying to create optimal racing conditions for everyone. After eight years of putting on the Monson race, it is my extreme displeasure to announce that it is over. I think that we, as conscientious racers, need to be more aware of our surroundings when we race. We do not own the town when we race there for a few hours, and need to be aware of the communities who are kind enough to allow us to utilize their roads. Unfortunately, Monson will no longer be one of those communities, but you have only yourselves to thank for that. Please be aware of what you do and how you conduct yourselves at future events or else Monson will not be the last to begin denying events. As is usually the case, it is the actions of a few who ruin many things for the majority. For those of you who raced responsibly in Monson this year and in years past, thank you. Mike Norton

Tough news to be sure. Hopefully that will help people think about what they're doing while they're out riding.

This past weekend in Prescott, we managed to impress the hell out of the Police and Forrest Service folks. We'll be back next year, and I'm stoked about it.

This next emails been a little on the buried side for the last couple of weeks. How many of us even remember Bob's email?

It was back on April 26th.

From: Bill Subject: Bob's email First off, I wish every right wing dipshit would write to you, complain about the "facts" presented on your site about Bush inc., then proceed to show us in detail why we're correct. The fact is several times, no most times, Bush refused to answer questions in the press conference. Bob's e-mail further highlighted that point. Oooooh, I can't wait for the debates. You can't run for long, GW! Second, I would like to announce to the world that I no longer work at Wal Mart. I am an optometrist that was contracted in a Wally world "vision center". What a shithole in so many respects. Makes me and my profession look terrible. Definitely the ugly underbelly of capitalism. My friend put it best when he said Wal Mart smells like popcorn and child abuse. I now work full time in my own clinic, 3 miles from my house. I ride my bike to and from work. I am at peace.

Right on. Fuck Wal Mart.

Ok, it's beer thirty.

Monday, May 10, 2004

ashley   I   luna   I   lesbians rule

Hey look, the Giro just started. I guess I know what I'm doing every morning for the rest of the month. I'll be checking on the Giro on cyclingnews, velonews and oln.

Pretty much in that order.

The first annual Whiskey Off Road has come and passed. If you were there, you already know. If you weren't, then make plans for next year. And epic if there ever was one.

I'm far too much of an idiot to remember who got what place. I couldn't tell you who won the woman's or men's 25 or 50 mile event. I can tell you with some degree of certainty that the single speed broke down like this: Gnome won, followed by Big Jackass and DJ rounding out the top three.

Me? I was on gears and way the fuck back in the thirties. At least.

I was 25th at the turn around, and I got passed by at least ten people on the climb back up. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

We got into town Friday night, found the bike shop sign in, found some dinner and found the hotel I registered at a month and a half ago. Come to find out they aren't going to honor the price they quoted me on the phone. I'm far to tired and stressed out to deal with the "I barely speak English" lady behind the counter and I just take the room. Fine, fine, fuck you, here's my card. Yeah, put the room on that. When's the free continental breakfast, doochebag?

Meet up with the Gnome and eat even more food downtown. While we're wandering around near Whiskey Row we run into some fucking jackpole who calls himself "Dove".

Looks to me like a drunker than hell construction worker, stumbling and spittin', trying to tell us something about "love". I'm the Dove, man. Kinda a Big Lewboski on acid feel to the whole thing.

"It's all about love, man."

Whatever doochebag.

What is this, a town inhabited solely by doochebags? Did I just meet your doochebag sister? Hey, doochebag, I'm talking to you. Whatever.

Now this guy starts to push his luck, and push the Gnomes low level of tolerance at the same time. So the Gnome, being the force of good in the world that he is, asks "Dove" to start bothering someone else.

Gnomes opening gambit went like this: "Dude, you need to get the fuck out of my face. Start walking, asshole."

Of course, the "Dove" took to this suggestion. Pretty soon Gnomie's got one hand cocked back in a fist, ready to ring "Dove's" bell and his other hand pointing down the street in the direction "Dove" is to "start walking."

Good times.

Back at the hotel, pass the fuck out. Wake up twenty times during the night from either some loud ass car driving by, someone yelling outside, a door slamming, or just because I'm an idiot.

Get up a 5:30 and start gearing up for the self inflicted ass beating I've signed on for. The start was downtown, I mean right in the middle of town. We were supposed to roll out two abreast for the first couple of miles on pavement. Of course, it didn't really happen that way. More like a big, full lane mob. At least where I was at.

We worked our way up through a couple of neighborhoods, don't ask me where, on pavement. It was all up, but the climbing wasn't too bad. It did force a split, and somehow I made it in the front group. At least for a little while.

Pretty soon it got serious as the road kicked up drastically. I'll bet it was up around 12 or 13 percent. Whatever it was, it forced me out of my big ring.

We hit a left hand turn onto the single track and it as walking time. From then on out it was the funniest damn ride I've done all year. Great twisty fast singletrack, kick ass support, views that kept distracting me from the task at hand and climbs that went on forever.

And I mean for ever.

The course was a 25 mile loop with an out and back option to kick it up to 50. The out and back would be better described as down and up, as you went way the fuck down to little town of Skull Valley and way the fuck back up and onward. Fuck me, that climb sucked balls.

It took me around an hour and ten minutes. I'm not sure exactly, maybe closer to 1:05, but not much closer. Fuck. Long, hot, exposed and dusty. The kind of climb where you just went out of your mind.

Ok, it wasn't quite that bad. But it was long.

Highlights included but were not limited to: knowing your position at the turn around (25th), watching people pass you on the way out (10) and checking out the rolled over dump truck down in the valley rather quickly on the way down and in far greater detail on the way up.

A well placed sag stop awaited participants near the top of the climb. Not really at the top, but close enough for government work. I had a couple of orange slices and topped off my hydration pack, Blackburn, don't ya know.

A note about bottles. I started with two, I ended with none. On the first rocky, bouncy, jarring and totally fun downhill I lost not only my bottle, no, life is never that easy for me, I lose the whole damn bottle cage. Well, half the bottle cage. The half with the bottle in it.

The part with the bolts, that's still on the bike.

The second bottle I actually got to drink before it too fell off somewhere. I had relied on a carbohydrate drink in the bottles a little to heavily, because after I lost one, I burned through the gel I had in short order.

Once the first bottle flew the coup, I made damn sure I worked that second bottle for every damn calorie. I topped it off with water at the third sag, hauled it a couple of miles up some God awful climb and promptly lost it as soon as I started descending.

Why? Because Jesus fucking hates me, that's why.

The rest of the ride went pretty good, mostly 'cause it was almost all down hill. You can't very well complain about coasting, can you?

One interesting note: Why are cycling, hiking, and equestrian clubs arguing about things like trail impact when you can ride through, as I did Saturday, areas where the Forest Service, in it's infinite and unquestionable wisdom, had fucking obliterated any hint of a road or trail for a couple of square acres with machinery I can only try to imagine?

I say "imagine" not because I'm some British hippie doochebag sitting around a New York hotel playing my guitar and wallowing in money with my evil Asian cohort, but because I didn't actually see what did the damage.

And I say "Forest Service" because I assume they would be the ones in charge of the forest. I actually have no idea who did the "work" up there. It certainly could have been, and probably was, contracted out to some group or the other. So, perhaps I am unfair in labeling them the responsible party.

All I know it that I had to literally stop and look around at the few remaining trees for any sign of course flagging because the road had all but disappeared beneath my tires. Whatever those guys drove around out there, it must have been friggin enormous. And, they drove it around, back and forth across what was a road, blurring the distinction between forest and fire road to the point where they are one. Just tired tracks and ruts where trees where dragged around and pushed into piles.

It was really something to see.

And still we argue about if a mountain bike tire or horse hoof creates more of in "impact". When what I rode through on Saturday will look like a fucking war zone for the next several years while it "recovers".

The awards ceremony was a joyous affair, with two for one drinks, free food, and good times had by all. I met a few fellas who had come out from Ohio for the event. There may have been others that traveled farther, but I didn't meet any.

The after party rocked on way longer than I was able to. I ended up bailing during some bands rendition of a John "Cougar" Mellencamp song that made me want to throw myself in front of a fucking train. It pained me deeply.

On the way back to the hotel, Jackass Justin decided to take us on a "short cut". Now, his short cuts generally involve pain and suffering and no discernable saving of time and effort. But, I was far to drunk to know what I was getting into until I was already knee deep in it.

I ended up walking by bike up some god damn hill out in a residential neighborhood on the way back to the hotel. Some short cut. Fucking Jackass.

I'll get you for that if it takes me all year.

I will say this much, an event put on by Epic Rides is one you do not want to miss. In this webmasters humble opinion, Epic Rides is quickly becoming the marquee race promoter in the state offering the best organized and funniest events we have all year.

If you're not having fun at one of these races, you must be dead.

Sunday, May 9, 2004

kira   I   nikki   I   jana

Just got back into town from a fun ass weekend in Prescott.

I'm hammered in every way possible known to man. My body, my liver, my bank account. I put big miles on my car, by bike and my feet. Yes, there was some walking. More about that later.

I just cracked open an inbox with 559 emails in it. I working on getting into some better spam related software this week. That ought to help.

I know of at least three emails sent from friends of mine they say they sent and I never got. Something is definitely amiss with my mail server.

Good thing I pay people for all that server side bullshit I don't pretend to understand for one minute. Just sent a check and call when it fucks up.

Works for me.

Speaking of fucking up, I've got to drop off a car at the mechanics tomorrow. Seems I had on oil change on Friday, and come Sunday afternoon there is a puddle of oil underneath the car where it sat all weekend. Drip, drip, drip.

How fucking lame is that?

Shortest update in weeks. I'll tell ya.

Well, I've got a bbq to attend to. It's time to eat bad food. Talk at ya later.

Thursday, May 6, 2004

night stick sandwich   I   asia carrera   I   bobbi eden

Another day another dollar. Turned 235 emails into 27 I actually give a shit about. Not bad odds considering.

Today's quote, compliments of Gordon:

"The bicycle is the most civilized conveyance known to man. Other forms of transport grow daily more nightmarish. Only the bicycle remains pure in heart."
-Iris Murdoch, writer (1919-1999

New Michael Moore film hitting some obstacles. More at the NY Times.

Right on Disney. Make me proud.

More on roadside porn.

From: Trevor Subject: Roadside porn Can't beat (no pun intended) roadside porn eh? I've got a little story of my own along those lines... I went on a little ride last summer called The Great Divide Mountain Bike Route. I was riding with the Adventure Cycling group and we rode the whole shebang. Adventure Cycling has a few sayings, which the guides impart to you as a bit of pre-trip wisdom. One of those is "The Road Provides". Well, I found out that it provides in all sortsa ways. We were rolling along one of the few (very few, the route is almost all dirt) sections of pavement and I was remarking to a fellow rider that the empty window on the front of the map-case strapped to my handlebars seemed kinda drab and boring with nothing in it. Not more than 1/4 of a mile later, I rolled past some sorta Playboy, picture-only, publication sitting alongside the road. Well, obviously it was a gift from the road gods, so, not wanting to incur the wrath of said deities, I dutifully pulled over and retrieved it. I thumbed through it for a minute or so before "Stacy" caught my eye. And with a quick rip, and a fold or two she became a traveling companion of sorts, smiling up at me in all her perkiness through the little 4x5 window of my folded map-case. Stacy accompanied me through most of the rest of the trip before finally being overcome by the sun somewhere in New Mexico...

Now that's what I'm talking about.

There were some call outs for the drunken Tuesday bar crawl ride, and I have to say, I'm not sure I'm ready yet for another round. It's a 110 % kind of deal. And it's going to kick the shit outta you.

That said, it'll happen again. We're not waiting on another full moon. No, that would be lunacy. We're waiting on Tuesday.

That I can deal with.

I'm loaded. I'm out of here.

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

say what?   I   linda   I   redhead for dave

My recovery from last nights blowout is a tad slower than I would have liked. In fact, I'm in the shit can of life at the moment.

Going big like that always knocks my dick in the dirt.

From: Brian Subject: Strip club owner asking patrons to vote J-man, sounds like you guys had a great time last night but beware of those flying water bottles! While we in the Northland have to watch out for drivers clipping cyclists, we seem to be more civic minded in our other pursuits. As a dancer put it, "It makes you think we're not just about nudity, but that we're taking part in society." Just check out the latest political article from the Duluth Tribune. Strip club owners asking patrons to vote duluthsuperior.com/mld/duluthsuperior/

I did the Wednesday night crit here in town and got my ass handed to me a couple of times. The truth hurts, baby. The truth hurts.

From: Croat Subject: Old time bikey fun Check this shit out. Random linkage pays off in gold sometimes. Any dude who can do a 1:19 mile on a fixie is good for more than a few beers in my books. Then Schwinn did something nice and even unheard of. Exhumed him and put him in a 'better' part of the cemetery. Go man, Go!

Major Taylor was a major league badass.

Reading stuff like this just pisses me off.

From: Bob Subject: Lawyers in love Jonny, you left leaning (250 year old) tree hugging, hippie (you said) lib. This story came up on the radio today, the local sports station has a roadie on in the morning. He said that the female in the car had her bike with her and she was on her way to ride when she ran the guy down. dallasnews.com (requires an account) The story is a bit fishy however, as they are both lawyers and the cyclist has two first names. Hmmm <><><><> Professor accused of assault <><><><> Lawyer says she ran him down as he cycled; she calls it an accident This is the story of a lawyer on her way to a bike ride who hit a lawyer riding his bike. Tommy Thomas, a Dallas business lawyer, came away with scrapes and bruises but is perplexed about what would drive a prominent law professor at Southern Methodist University to run him down in what police say was a road rage incident. Police arrested Jane Dolkart on Sunday and charged her with aggravated assault. According to police reports, Mr. Thomas was cycling with a friend about 10 a.m. on West Lawther Road when a woman in a Volkswagen Passat came up behind them and started honking and screaming. Police say Ms. Dolkart, an expert in labor law related to sexuality and gender, followed the cyclists around a U-turn and then rammed her car into Mr. Thomas' bike. Ms. Dolkart, 56, referred questions to her attorney, who characterized the incident as an accident. Ms. Dolkart's attorney, James Vasilas, said his client was on her way to go biking at White Rock Lake when she came across two cyclists moving slowly in the middle of the road just south of Mockingbird Lane. "She tapped on her horn one time - she was not honking and screaming - just to let them know, 'Hey, if you move over a little, I could get by.' " He said that when Ms. Dolkart made a U-turn to go into the parking lot, Mr. Thomas slammed on his brakes and was hit. "This was obviously blown way out of proportion," Mr. Vasilas said. "This is not a criminal offense." Ms. Dolkart was taken to the Dallas County jail and posted a bond for the $2,500 bail on Sunday night. The Dallas Police Department is investigating and will refer the case to a grand jury to determine whether she will be indicted on assault charges. Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon is a second-degree felony punishable by two to 20 years in prison and up to a $10,000 fine. The witness "could hear her screaming through the closed window at him. ... That's how loud she was screaming," said Detective L.C. Hall of the assault unit. "If it was stress or if she was late, I have no idea why this incident occurred." "It sucked the tire underneath the car, and the next thing you know, I'm underneath the car," he said. "The bike is absolutely shredded." Ms. Dolkart has been an associate law professor at SMU for 14 years. Before that she was an assistant general counsel at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and taught at Catholic University Law School in Washington, D.C. Specializing in civil rights and labor law related to sexuality and gender, she has worked extensively on benefits for same-sex partners, sexual harassment in the workplace and gender discrimination.

Too fucked up for words.

More of the same shit up in SLC. Will it ever end? Is this going to be the Summer of Conflict?

What happened to the Summer of Love?

From: Smoke Subject: funny shit Well, it's not politics. See if you can get a chuckle outta Snake. cgi.ebay.co.uk

I don't think Snake knows how to chuckle. He just stands there and kills my fucking grass.

From: Dan Subject: Whoa nelly! I know Snake said less political shit, but you gotta hit this Fucked up comic

Whoa Nelly indeed. That is some tough stuff. I kinda like this one.

From: Uncle Pistol Subject: Tired I'm old and stupid bit at least I'm still gettin' laid. We just rode the fixies to Nogales. 700cX44. 39X17. Shit! You know they'll let you bring your bike into a strip club if you promise to fuck their Ho bitch putas really good? Yeah, well don't think you're gonna get no special deals down there in the border towns. At least that puta was a cute one. And she fucked like a bag o' taters too. Whoa! I'm off to the Southland before the fire season starts. If you're lookin' for a good deal on vice go to Mexico City baby...

You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. And, you have proven, once again, that my drunken antics are the stuff of minor league play.

You, on the other hand, are a professional.

Perhaps with many years of hard work, dedication and sacrifice, I could be just a little bit more like you and a little less like the loser that I am.

Damn. I'm going to start crying in my beer.

Would you like an apple pie with that?.

Tuesday, May 4, 2004

lesbians rule   I   jade   I   lesbians still rule

Tonight was bar cruise night with Big Gay Randy (BGR) and the Punisher. It did not disappoint.

This was out inaugural ride, the first of the year. It's getting warmer and the time is right for a nice bar tour. I wish I could tell you where I went, but I can't recall the names of some of the places. Also, we were working out some kinks on the route and establishments we would visit. It will be changing in the coming weeks I'm sure.

With my backpack full of Busch cans and a flask of scotch, I was down for damn near anything. BGR had what must have been a friggin liter of gin and tonic to help lubricate things as well.

I has showed up on my mountain bike thinking, erroneously it turned out, that we were going out into the woods to enjoy the full moon in all its glory. We did end up in the woods, but that, as they say, is another story and came much later in the night.

BGR had his fixed gear, and after I had waited for him to show up at the first bar for 45 minutes, he started running lines at me about my choice of bike. Pun doesn't down a fixie, so he was safe from the abuse. I, on the other hand, was getting it both barrels. I conceded and the rides first stop was back by my house so I could switch rigs.

We, the Principals if you will, decided any back at the house stops should be complimented with beer. I handed out the necessary bribe for the delay as I changed up my shoes to match the different pedal system.

Up the hill towards the hospital, we stopped in at a bar whose name I just don't remember. We were met with curious stares, us lycra clad retards, in a bar full of NASCAR fans. BGR pointed out the bicycle in stained glass behind the bar. We took it as a good omen.

A couple of drinks and it was up and over the hill to Buffalo Park. Another protocol was set as we enjoyed package liquor and watched the moonrise: Pat the Buffalo on the way out. And we were on our way to the yet unseen Fourth Street Bars.

I know as much about Fourth Street as I do about nuclear physics. In short, not much. After a little disorientation and working our way though strip mall parking lots, we discovered the Hippie Gypsy. Or was it Gypsies Hideaway?

I think Hipppie Gypsy is actually a head shop down in Tempe. No matter, whatever the name, good place. It was rumored to be a gay bar, but the clientele was anything but. There was even a patio, complete with fire.

Fire good.

A couple more mixed drinks enjoyed with only minor issues. One of the bar patrons took the empty water bottle of BGR's bike and threw it at us over the fence as he went to his car. Missing all of us, the bottle fell harmlessly on the ground. What a dick.

So I, being the level headed schmuck that I am, picked it up and threw it back at him.

I hit the building next door instead of Mr. Doochebag.

0 and 0. He missed and I missed. Fuck it. On to the next bar.

We had to pull some directions out of our ass for a south of the tracks adventure. As we turned right into a construction zone, Pun found some uneven pavement. By uneven, I mean there was a three inch difference between what he was riding on and the slab of pavement to his right. That he, of course, tried to ride over.

He never saw is coming. "Pun down! Pun down!", I yelled, as he rolled off into the dirt. The damage was limited to a tear in his roommates arm warmers and some scrapes and bruising. He's a hockey player. He'll be back.

First blood goes to Pun.

We took the rest of that wacky, fucked up, construction zone a little easier and worked our way over to a bar called something like the "Tea Tree".

Not one of my favorites and I vote we don't go back.

Leaving we thought we could find the Urban Trail and went off in search of said trail. In the woods. I fell down on some nice soft dirt for no good reason.

We gave up and turned around. Back on pavement, we eventually made it back to the west side of town for a midnight drink at Uptown Billiards. It was a drink I probably didn't need. Sorta like throwing a brick in the Grand Canyon; you're doing something, but it's not making any difference.

I fell over on the pavement somewhere along in there as well as my little dirt nap. I don't remember what I did, other than fall on my left side. Which, not surprisingly, hurts a bit at the moment.

Go figure.

A fine piece on out CEO President. Just to keep it political.

From: Big Tex Subject: Roadside porn Big J, I like the porn story. Not too funny but a good story. Same thing happened to me a few weeks back outside of San Diego. You can only dream of days of finding road side porn. It was like I was 12. With the internet now, road side porn is a rare commodity. Anyway, I decided to make a funny with my porn. I rolled it up same as you and saved it ----late nights and no woman? A few of the nights but mainly to secretly stow the porn into my fellow worker's carry-on bag as we departed San Diego. No big deal so he finds a self-pleasing mag in bag. This is where the "funny" comes in----As I rolled up the porn into his bag, I rolled up a pair of fingernail scissors into the pornmag called "Babyface." My buddy looked surprised when the TSA wanted to search his carry-on. He looked really surprised when they emptied his whole bag to pullout "Babyface." TSA flipped through the pages till the scissors fell out. Ha ha ha or in Spanish ja ja ja. No harm no foul right and he got to keep "Babyface" for the trip home.

Right on. Good looking out. Remind me not to fly with you.

Monday, May 3, 2004

lesbians rule   I   kelli marie   I   redhead for dave

Snake says he wants less politics and more funny stories. I told him I didn't have any funny stories. He said you'll think of something.

Fuck.

So, I'm out riding my road bike to Belmont yesterday and a funny thing happens. I need an easy day, my legs being trashed and all, and riding out on the interstate sounds like just the thing to do. Sure, there is a ton of cars flying by the whole time. Par for the course on most roads up here. The easy road grades are what I'm looking for. I so need that right now.

Being as I'm riding on the shoulder on an interstate highway, it's covered with all kinds of crap. Of course, right? I'm pedaling along, weaving left and right ducking, rocks, glass, piece of a tire, and then some more glass. And so forth.

I roll by and see… porn?

I hit the brakes, turn around and pick up the June issues of "Naughty Neighbor". It was open to the Mary, from Skals, Denmark, pictorial. There she was, just a flutterin' in the breeze like some kind of big jonny buzz bait. If you want me to bite, just wave porn in my face. Works every time.

Well, hello there sweetheart.

Turns out she's a waitress and a student. She'll be enjoying a birthday this month on the 28th. And she'll be 24. Now, isn't that special. 5 foot 3 and 108 pounds? Forget about it.

Roll that fucker up and slid it in my jersey pocket. Can't pass up free porn.

It just wouldn't feel right.

How's that for a funny story, Snake?

Ok, on to the Gila report from Bensy.

From: Bensy Subject: Gila Report Hey y'all, Wow. What a week! I forgot what it is like to be sick of eating and always hungry. I don't want anything to do with gel for awhile. Ugh. I woke up on Wednesday only to see the Flag outside the hotel already blowing. This was going to be and interesting time trial. We got to Tyrone and set up trainers and used the bathroom (for the umpteenth time). Parking next to the T-Mobile girls was a bit of a distraction but we still managed to hop on our trainers and warm up. The wind kept blowing and I started to think it was going to be a good day for me. After warming up I finished putting on all the ridiculous shite I think makes me go faster: flame shoe covers, aero helmet, long sleeve skin suit. I feel fast, but know I look like an idiot. But I am focused on the time trial. I had spent all day visualizing the course and was mentally ready to get 'er done. I was second on the course and kept #1 in site all the way to the turn around. I knew I had to hold back going out because the climb coming back was crucial to get up fast. On the way out wind was not too bad until the first descent. I could not use my aero bars because of the side wind so I just tucked and pedaled like crazy. It was actually a little scary going 45+ in 30+mph gusting cross wind. I hit the turn thinking I had stunk up the TT and was going to loose badly. Unhappy with my time so far I punched it only to run into more cross wind and tense up. When I hit the last climb I was not going down without a fight so I choked up on my bars and drove as hard as I could. When I saw the top, I stood and sprinted. I topped out at 201bpm for the couple of minutes it took to get over that climb. The descent home was a snap in 56x11 gearing. I actually had to soft pedal to slow down enough to accelerate again. Average cadence to the finish was about 110 I think. I finished and had nothing but doubt in my mind. Even though my time was a minute and a half faster than last year, I was not optimistic. Later that night I found I was wrong and in 3rd place. The rider in front of me won by :42 seconds. Prior to the results being posted we all met at Wendy's for dinner. Their .99 menu was awesome as I ordered: burger, baked potato, salad, chicken strips, soda and a Frosty. MMMMMM! The next day was even windier. 40mph gusts. An early break formed and nobody seemed to care, especially the race leader. After we finished our two loops through Cliff two teammates slipped away and joined the break. One of these went on to win the stage. It seemed like our field was mostly riders that don't do many big races and were clueless about race tactics. Or maybe it was just that they did not know how to organize to keep a leaders jersey. Either way Thursday was a major blunder for the race leader. He lost the jersey by several minutes by letting the break go. The cross winds that day had everyone freaked out and no one would ride an echelon where it would be easier to survive. By the time we hit the final cat 1 climb up to Mogollon most of the group was fried. I was dropped quickly on the first pitches, but came back on the plateau before the final climb in more cross wind. It was blowing so badly that riders coming down had to pull over because we were stretched all the way across the road. I heard that it was hard to stand there let alone ride there. By the finish I had clawed my way through several riders and finished 14th. Afterwards we all had to ride back down to the bottom to the vehicles for a long drive back to Sliver City. At one point I was in 39x23 struggling in the head wind. Tough day. I ended up in 9th overall. Friday was the famous Inner Loop stage. I decided that I needed to be at the front for the descents and this year I was finally strong enough physically and mentally to do just that. In the past I was dropped at the feed zone just before the big descent down the Sapillo. Not this year. I went down in about 10th place which was great because I could control my speed based on how the riders in front of me entered corners. Speeds ranged from 30 to 45 most of the time and the corners were tight enough I thought I was going to touch my knee on the pavement. Fun is an understatement, it reminded me of descending in the Pyrenees last summer. After that the field sat up since of course no one wanted to actually work. As a result another break went away, this time with 2nd place in GC. But nobody knew he was up the road. Nobody was paying attention. Nobody cared. So I convinced the leaders team to chase and they finally brought back the break right after the last feed zone. From then on it was very hard. We went over many rollers in strong head winds. At the finish we turned the last corner and the front riders sat up which resulted in a mushrooming effect and I found myself boxed in. By 200 meters I was redlined and the best I could do was 12th. I gained one place that day up to 8th. Saturday was a crit. Our race was shortened from 30 to 25 laps due to falling behind schedule earlier in the day. We all quickly settled into our rhythm and I chose to ride at or close to the front to stay out of trouble. The course was very rough and at one point I looked down and thought my skewer was half open. Yeah, I was scared. So I kept racing. This was the day I realized I was not on top of things either. I missed every preem attempt due to letting up at the wrong time. Derrick however made 3 great attempts to get preems and got nipped at the line. Awesome effort though. Adam's dad was there and raved afterwards at how his Flag Velo boys and Adam were at the front so much. With 3 laps to go a rider flatted in front of me on my left at the bottom of a 40mph descent which ended in a sharp turn. He straightened out, fishtailed and I had to stop and go behind him to complete the turn. Suddenly I am on the back cussing. It took me 2 laps to get to mid pack and it took everything I had to get to the line in 39th. At least I kept my 8th place in GC. Sunday was the hardest race ever.103 miles finishing with a steep climb back up the Sapillo. A break formed early and I joined it. We rode hard to the first sprint and I won by a bike length. $50 cash money! After that Steve bridged up and we quickly organized to put time on the field. By the first feed zone we were joined by several more and had 5:30 on the group. But people were tired and did not want to push too hard up the first climb so we lost almost 4 minutes by the top. Steve and I were the first to turn around and we shot down like bullets from a gun. It was 20 miles up and 20 down, by the bottom we were caught. And of course the leader and his team sat up. And another break went. Geez I was getting tired of that. At one point we were going 15mph and 5 riders had slipped away including 5th and 10th place on GC. Still no one wanted to chase and I knew I was not strong enough to chase and make the final climb. The result was a lead of 7:30 at the base of the Sapillo. The strong riders punched it up the first pitch and I was able to keep them in sight for just a few miles. After that Derrick pulled me up past several riders forming a pretty decent group for about 10 miles. There is a pretty good descent before the finish and by then our group was about 15 strong. And of course, no one wanted to work. 3 or 4 of us rotated at the front keeping a hard enough pace that by 1k to go there was only about 5 or 6 left. The final 200m was the longest of my life. I thought I had dropped everyone, but with the final turn and finish line in sight 3 riders jumped to finish just in front of me. Figures. I think over the course of the race I had made more enemies than friends. For whatever reason several riders were just a-holes towards me. Not sure how they treated the other guys, but I am sure it was not with respect. But, the friends I had going into the race came away with more respect for and from me. I finished 22nd. So I ended up 12th overall. A little disappointing to drop so many places on the last day, but satisfying to finish my best ride at Tour of the Gila. It was a tough race and much was learned and gained. I want to say thank you very much to Adam, Sessa (great massage and feed zone leadership), T.C.(feed zone support and levity), Gary (doctor stuff), Derrick, Steve, Grant, Dave and Flag Velo for the emotional, physical, and financial support. It would not have been the same race without all of you! Time trial: 15.7 mile out and back course with a total of 1070' of climbing Stage 2: 94 miles long, with 5,650' of climbing Stage 3: 73 mile loop, with 5,150' of climbing. Stage 4: 1.08 mile closed course, 60' of climbing per lap, 25 laps Stage 5: 103 miles and 8940' of climbing

Bensy, you're a fucking badass. Yeah, I got him on the squad.

I'll just round this update on the quick so I can curl up in front of the fire with Naughty Neighbor and a glass of hot cocoa.

What, like you wouldn't?

A two hundred and fifty year old tree was cut down for no good reason. Ok, the reason was for better tv image transmission, and I call that no good reason. Call me a fucking hippie if you want to, but that type of shit just pisses me off.

A two hundred and fifty year old tree is something to marvel and enjoy, not cut down.

Talk about the folly of man.

This is the quote of the day. Hands down. Found it over at bicycle retailer.

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
--Bertrand Russell

I feel so much better now.

Score one for the good guys. Man in car hits woman on bike and gets five years.

And what is this coming weekend? That's right, two very important things. The Whiskey off road race and the Giro.

The Giro will keep me happy as a pig in shit all month.

Sunday, May 2, 2004

bela   I   dani   I   lesbians rule

Yesterdays ride was the first day of consideration for the Leadville 100. Yeah, it's three and a half months out. If I'm thinking about it now, it must be hard.

From: Laura from Holland Subject: site about Pantani with a beautiful poem Hi Jonny, Long time no see, but your'' still my favorite webmaster in the bike-universe! My friend Edwin has a very beautiful site about Pantani and cycling in general. Link him please (you already did it a long time ago) but now he has an interview with Pantani and much more (all in English). Keep the rubber down, my friend and see you on this medium very soon. Greetz from Holland.

Here is the link to pass a pass, cycling passes and climbs of Europe. The Pantani poem can be found here. It is now my desktop wallpaper.

Viva Pantani.

Check out my man Snake out in Silverton giving it hell. What's he doing, looking down at the highest numbers he's ever seen on his SRM?

From: Jackass Justin Subject: Jake Rubelt second loser? BJ, Saw Jake was second at the crit on Saturday. Wished I was there to see that! Looks like Drew had some difficulties. Ouch! I wish Jake had put it to Mike Sayers. Oh Well!

Hey, I thought second place was the first loser?

Oh, I get it.

Damn.

I wonder if old Snake is chapped about that one? Maybe I'll ride with him Tuesday when he's still all tired and angry and just harsh him until he tries to drop me. That's usually a good time. For the both of us.

From: pedal masher Subject: Stick through the Throat, punctures lungs Hey big jonny. Wanted to tell you we got some real men racing here in Texas. You heard about the guy ripping his nuts open in short track earlier this year, well that was nothin. My boy Dustin was racing Expert 30-39 and took a digger on a turn. Sent him into a tree where a 12 inch stick entered his neck and ended up in his lung. Big gash, lots of blood, collapsed lung. Helicopter ride to the hospital, 3 days ICU, 34 staples in his neck, few days for monitoring. Back home, for a week. Back to work, headed out to support the rest of the team this weekend. His new nickname is lucky bastard. I was thinking of buying him a chainsaw for his birthday.

I think a chainsaw would make a fine gift.

And thoughtful too.

From: KonaBoy Subject: ESPN Toughness Ranking Yea, I can see boxing as being tough. I mean who wants to get punched in the face? Basically it's doing 12-15 intervals, while getting punched the whole time. I think the clearest definition of their poll was a "What's your perceived toughest sport opinion poll", not "We sized them up. We measured them, top to bottom. We've done our own Tale of the Tape, and we've come to a surprising conclusion." . . . Surprising Conclusion? . . . The only "Sizing", or "Tale of the Tape" they've done here is measure their 3-1/4 inch cocks, then convert it to metric, and then tell you then have just over "8". By the way, where are Triathletes? ESPN loves the Iron Man. I mean what other sport has their own bread? . . . errrrr . . . Iron Kids that is. And don't even get me started on the bread with the crusts cut off. I wouldn't want to serve my kid any other way than in a princely manner. Good lord! I can hear it now "My Johnny (I said Johnny) has a delicate pallet, and doesn't like the crust". Who's catering to the inequities of Man? Wonder? I wonder. I wonder when I was a kid (1976ish), when I went to school with a sandwich for lunch my mom always cut it down the middle leaving two rectangles. I was always in favor of the more aesthetically pleasing, two triangles, you get by cutting it diagonally. Then it came to me. It's a freaking "Safety Sandwich". Like those scissors with the rounded point. My sandwich didn't have those sharp corners/points. . . . I could have poked an eye out with that sandwich. Then a steely cold came over me, a sense of pure evil was about. A deep down diabolical plan was in place. I was an only child, and if I was to have an accident, then they could get my KISS record collection. Now the dust that was obscuring my site was blown away. I see things clearly now, and in true perspective. GOOD GOD MAN! I was carrying a live one. I had more corners now to poke my eyes out with. Instead of 6 corners, I had 8 corners to negotiate. That's 10 m! ore corners on a weekly basis . . . let alone on a yearly basis. Which brings me to my point. As far as judging which sport is toughest, lets look at the leading parameter. "How much bread do you have to eat, to make that bread"? What other sport do there top level athletes eat 6,000 - 10,000 calories a day, and still maintain 6%-10% body fat? What other sporting event lasts 3 weeks? I think we can all agree that there is nothing more physically demanding than cycling. I'd also have to say it's as mentally, and physically demanding for everybody whether your VO2 max is 50, or 90. Riding at 90% of your Max heart rate is both mentally, and physically demanding for everybody. What about no.9 (Baseball), hitting a baseball thrown by David Wells is tough. But aren't hitting, pitching, throwing and catching skills. How do you rate the toughness of a skill? I mean Barry Bonds hits a lot of home runs, he may practice hard, but that's a skill he was born with. I guess you can have the argument that it's as god given as Lance's ability to process oxygen, and evacuate lactic acid from his muscles, but ones a skill, and the other you have the train your body to do. Are we in a gray area yet? Personally I'm going to look for a pink area now . . .and yes without bread please. . . . errrr "Venezuelan-Beaver-cheese" . . .Now that's tough! nationmaster.com/encyclopedia/Venezuelan-Beaver-cheese

He said beaver…

An opinion from across the pond.

From: Subject: no probs man One thing that was interesting lately was that CBS admitted that they had those prisoner abuse pictures 2 weeks ago but decided not to run them after interference from the whitehouse/pentagon whatever u call it. It's very frustrating to know that some of the media no longer drive their own agenda but simply regurgitate government press releases. From Guardian national newspaper guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,3604,1206691,00.html anyway. if ever you get to use the words "like a kick in the balls" on your website how about providing a hyperlink to this to illustrate the point? daedalonline.com/heimsaekja/kicked.gif

Now that is a kick in the balls. God damn, that shit is hard to watch. Fuck.

Two good articles on Iraq I should have linked two days ago. Definitely worth reading.

nytimes.com/2004/04/30/opinion/30KRUG.html
nytimes.com/2004/04/30/opinion/30HERB.html

At least I thought they were worth reading.

From: Wonder Weasel Subject: Weasel Vs the Jack ass Up here in Canada we don't have lots of guns... which I thought was a good thing. However I think I could have gladly used one the other day: fearlessgearless.com/Blog/C634440792/E823183612/index.html

I'm with ya. Guns, bad. Ditching the angry loser in the car, good.

I got a link about Kerry falling of his bike today in a couple of emails. One guy said "Kerry is a biker" and another guy said, "A least Dubya ain't a Fred".

What's that line? Something like "It is better to try and not succeed than to never have tried at all."

Saturday, May 1, 2004

trinity   I   mel   I   redhead

Holy shit, another month gone by. Is this year cookin' or what?

The weather is killer, the trails are primo. Riding with the boys on the weekend. Good times. Of course, the crew I run around with a is a little slow to get going. Go figure.

You'd think 11:00 am would give even the biggest drunks and party animals plenty of time to get there shit together and get it rolling. But no, not around here.

First one here: The Angry Hippie.

Time to go break stuff.

I love getting email from Republicans. I really, really do. Maybe these guys aren't even Republicans. How should I know? Its not like the told me. Anyway, read the emails.

From: Jasen C. Subject: Truth or Fiction Big Johnny, You may want to remove the truth or fiction link from your website. The truth part doesn't really fit in with the rest of your propaganda. truthorfiction.com/rumors/b/bushlied.htm

Let me try and break this down for ya. Bush is the President of our country. He took us to war with a very optimistic idea of the outcome, and little or no exit strategy. He is in charge. It was his call. He fucked up. He should be held responsible for his actions.

Why do you think a list of quotes is anything like actually invading a country? Although it is important to consider what our elected officials say and do, there is a big difference between what someone said back in 1998 and coming into the office of the Presidency with your mind all ready made up about taking out Saddam.

A lot of people think Saddam is an asshole. I think he is an asshole. I lot of people thought he had weapons of mass destruction. I thought he had weapons of mass destruction.

The real question here is what do you plan to do about it? Go to war, with no support from the international community, on our own, like some kind of fucking cowboy?

If you take the time to read, as I just did, the short explanatory notes that trail each quote, you will find phrases such as: "He was urging caution about going to war... there had not been the need to take military action for a number of years and he asked why there would be the need at that point."

And, "she did not feel that using force at that time was a good option."

You see where I'm going with this? I think Saddam is an asshole. But, I do not support the war is it was planned, executed and subsequently totally fucked up.

What about the whole Al Quada thing? What happened to them? How the hell do you put those cocksuckers on the back burner and start thinking about Iraq?

And don't give me that tired line about "supporting the troops". I support out men and women in the military. I am thankful for their service.

That does not mean I will support what we are doing in Iraq.

As far as "my propaganda" goes, why don't you start your own website? I'll bet you could really put something special together. You could call it ilovebush.com. That'd be really snazzy.

And then I could email stupid shit to you.

I sent the above as a reply email and he told me to "ride my bike more". Jeez.

Oh yeah, there is more.

From: Rob P. Subject: Official DNC convention schedule OFFICIAL 2004 DNC CONVENTION PROGRAM SCHEDULE 6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony. 6:30pm - Anti-war rally no. 1. 6:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 7:00pm - Tribute theme to France. 7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund. 7:20pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 7:25pm - Tribute theme to Spain. 7:45pm - Anti-war rally no. 2. (Moderated by Michael Moore) 8:00pm - John Kerry presents one side of the issues. 8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop. 9:00pm - Gay marriage ceremony. 9:30pm - * Intermission * 10:00pm - Flag burning ceremony no. 2. 10:15pm - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss. 10:30pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!' 10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 10:50pm - Pledge of allegiance to the UN. 11:00pm - Double gay marriage ceremony. 11:15pm - Maximizing Welfare workshop. 11:20pm - John Kerry presents the other side of the issues. 11:30pm - 'Free Saddam' pep rally. 11:59pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 12:00am - Nomination of Democrat candidate.

I'll drink with Ted Kennedy any day. Even though his car has killed more people than my gun. I'm just not getting in the car is he's driving.

Hey look, bike porn.

Have you read what the world thinks about the pictures of US and UK Soldiers mistreating Iraqi prisoners? Click here.

What the fuck were those guys thinking? I mean, one, why do it in the first place? And, two, why the fuck take pictures? Are you the stupidest person on the planet? Pulling stunts like that doesn't make me any safer. In fact, it endangers me by motivating the potential terrorist to take it to America. Something I really don't want to happen again.

I do have to say I am glad President Bush shares my disgust at this revelation.

Oh, and this had just morphed into a totally political post hasn't it? Good thing I've got a six pack in the fridge. This could be a long night.