I got my ride in today. One hour, in the snow. It was fun. This snow stuff is actually growing on me. Nothing quite like riding around trees when everything's covered with falling snow.

One hour. That's all I could do. I've been under the weather all week, with a bit of a cold. I was afraid to go any farther than I did. I want this shit to go away completely. I can't have any lingering illness issues come two weeks when I totally and completely knock my dick in the dirt at the 24 Hours of the Old Pueblo.

You can shovel me into the car when it's over.

And now, a stupid joke.

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail"). The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but you wanted the Lab work and the cat scan."

He he ho ho har har, arrrgh.

I know, the joke sucked. So sue me.

I've been working on putting the archives back together today. I few months worth of shit is up for your viewing pleasure.

I'll be working on cleaning up that mess for the next couple of days. I had hoped to straighten it all out this weekend, but it seems to take a whole lotta time. And, it's a real labor of love. Nothing quite as fun as pouring over some sixty odd html documents. Good times.

Also, a new addition to the new and improved rant section about why you should wear a helmet. Some serious shit, that one.

From: Finch Subject: Heh heh I got a new car radio yesterday. It has voice recognition. You shout "soul" and it plays soul. You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll. Some children ran in front of my car. I yelled out, "fucking kids!" Now my radio is playing Michael Jackson.

This link in from Laura from Holland. Don't ask, just enjoy.

And, does Karl Rove scare anyone besides me? Like Truman said of Nixon, he's so crooked he has to put his pants on in the morning with a corkscrew.

From: A Naked Romero Subject: KNIFE GNOME I thought you might be able to make use of this... Keep up the good work.

Naked? Yeah, I've seen it buddy. More than once.

And, lets all take it easy on the Gnomes. They are gentle forest creatures, who will take your fucking knees out with a baseball bat if they catch wind of any disrespect.

What are you trying to do, get me killed?

Check out So Pro Jones. I mean, take a look at this guy.

If I didn't already know him, having met him outside a convenience store in Tucson last winter as he replenished his stock of diet soda with a couple of fresh liters for the trailer, shit like this would have me convinced he was straight fruit salad. He drove a beat down real man's car back then too. Not this race boy yuppie shit. Why not just call your site I love Vanilla Ice?

I mean, is that shit already taken or something?

He's coming on strong, straight out the suburbs like his name was the icy hot stuntaz. Word. I'm talking 'bout straight ballin' here people. You better recognize.

Mad skillz.

You'd think I'd be nicer to someone who could drop me whenever he feels like it. A man who could ride circles, circles I say, around me. You'd think so, but no. Not around here buddy. Drunkcyclist is all about equal opportunity call outs, put downs, and shit talk. I've got a fridge full of easy drinkin' Coors Light (the Silver Bullet) and a big pint of Guinness in front of me at the moment. I'm just dying to harsh on something.

So there you have it, soprojones.com, a new webpage by Mike Jones. Have a look around, and have a few laughs. The guy is a total wing nut, take my word on it. He's one of the good guys, and I look for him to go big things this year. The whole "so pro" thing is a running joke, and no one can do it better.

Either that, or I really pissed him off and he can always just drop me up Lemon again. Shit, he asked me to link him.

And, don't this look like a fun time?

From: GOREGASM Subject: Alleycat Race in Pittsburgh OAKLAND (University of Pittsburgh campus) PITTSBURGH 3PM CARNEGIE LIBRARY(by the dinosaur statue) It's a "poker style" race, where Bicycle Playing cards are given out at the different checkpoints throughout the city. Top prize goes to the first finisher. The racer with the best and worst poker hand wins prizes donated by dirt-rag, pabst beer, and kraynicks bicycle shop. The race will be held on February 28th at 3pm outside of the Carnegie Library in Oakland (by the dinosaur statue). After the race, free beer will be supplied by Pabst Brewing Company, but you have to finish the race to partake. For a link with more info go to pabstville.20m.com

Friday, January 30, 2004

aria giovanni   I   samantha   I   god bless america

Thank God it's Friday. You know what I'm saying? Another week under the belt. And now, a couple of days to sleep in and rest. And I need it.

'Cause mahh hedd styl felbz likk ah pumpkin.

It is getting better, today, on this third day of lameness. I've got to kick it now, and kick it all what way to the curb. I've got a twenty four hour race in two short weeks. I go into that sub par, and I'll probably end up in the friggin hospital.

And, I kinda would rather not gutter myself that badly. Just a little badly, like one hell of a hangover. Like the week long slump I endured after Interbyke this year. It took me a bit to normalize after that binge.

How about a nice link to a story at the Times? You may have to register to read the articles over there, but, it's worth it to read what good 'ol Krugman has to say.

And now, on to something completely different.

From: Slugo Subject: After the Tucson race Big Jonny, Here is something for you to do after the Tucson MBAA Race...enjoy the pain. domkarin.com/sessions/sessions.htm

Holy shit. Did you see the video section of that site? Fuck me, that is some whacked out sick shit. Guys actually pay for that?

I haven't ventured into watching any of the free clips. The pics were enough to scare me silly. I'll save watching that one for a rainy day. A really rainy day.

From: Ryan Subject: Ice bike racing BJ, Man, stop bichin' about the cold! These guys have balls. Errrr... snow balls, that is mtbkanata.com/realplayer/mtbkanata_on_the_NewRO.WMV

Damn. I think I'd stay inside with Lianne. She's all that and a bag of chips. With the dip.

My man Mike says, "Ain't this the truth." Well, it pretty much is.

Clear Channel gets walloped, but not for encouraging drivers to run over cyclists. This is for salty language on the airwaves. Well, it's a start.

That last link will probably open a pop-up for ebay, or at least it did for me. Sorry 'bout that. The article is worth checking out. Well, kinda. Not really. Anyway, how 'bout some naked chicks instead?

From: Random Guy Subject: Drinkin for 24 Hours! Jonny, Rumor has it that there is going to be more beer than all of 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo can handle! Just wanted to let you know that Missing Link Racing will be stepping it up and bringing a 5 gallon keg from Rio Salado Brewing Company and I will be transporting a 5 gallon keg down from Mogollon Brewing Company here in Flagstaff. Everyone should make a trip by our campsite to have a few beers! Pound a pint in between laps and come help keep our support members awake and loaded!

God damn man! I'm not even going to be able to find the trail!

You guys are all right.

From: Dan Subject: I'm shopping at WalMart! Dude, I'd shop every god damn day at Wal-Mart. Fuck, I'd probably quit working on my B.S. in Biology and work there if they had chicks like Tesha at my local Fall-Mart. Man, you'd have to have a fucking masters to get a job there probably! Instead, all I get is shelled tweakers with like 8 kids and a bunch of needle tracks on their arms at my nearby Wal-Mart. Now the Target chicks on the other hand..... Keep up the good work. You're what keeps me going. Well, maybe not....

Right on man. Emails like your are what keeps me going. Sorta. Maybe. Not really.

I'm with ya on talent at Target. Man, those chicks are hot! I always thought the girls how couldn't make the Target cut ended up in the minors over at WalMart. Now that I've seen the girls of WalMart I'm reconsidering my position.

I may have been wrong all along.

Oh, it hurts to know you were wrong. Kinda like that Pete Rose guy, huh?

I'm not as hard on him as, say, this guy.

Sure, he fucked up. But, what has it been now? Thirteen, fourteen years? Fuck, he's still the all time hit leader isn't he? Put him in the Hall of Fame, for Christ's sake. It's about time.

It's about as cool as the Tour being packed with French division three teams. Why bring the best teams and riders in the world, when you can just bring the home town zeroes? Er, I meant heroes. At least I think I did.

Yeah. Cippo got robbed a few years back. I wonder who they won't invite this year.

And, back to baseball, they've got Ty Cobb up there in Cooperstown. And that dude was a full on psycho.

What does Bud Selig have up his ass anyway?

Thursday, January 29, 2004

charis   I   charmaine   I   lesbians rule

I've caught a touch of something this week. I don't think it's the full blown flu, like I had around Christmas, but mah hed feeblz likk ah pumpkin. And we all know how fun that is.

I went to sleep yesterday afternoon around 5:30 and slept through the night till 8:00 am. Man, it was a long, strange trip. I haven't done something like that without a big boozefest to set off in a long time.

Sweet, sweet sleep.

Hopefully, it was enough to pull me out of this rut. I'd rather be riding my bike than sitting around with a constant headache, but, hey, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

Whatever.

From: John Subject: Re: "relied" on the Fox News channel They just haven't had enough blue juice splashed on their nutsacks yet.............if there were any sort of accountability to the electorate things would be a lot different. Instead, Haliburton is selling gas in Iraq for three bucks a gallon and we've gotta stare down another four more years of Bush. I comforted myself the first time around with the hope that there was no way he could do irreparable damage in 4 years, but 8's another thing altogether.

I'm hearing that. Another four years of this wackiness? Oh, say it isn't so.

I've got three words for George Bush, those three words I heard many times in the back seat of my car as a younger man: Stop, no and don't.

From: Calkal Subject: get your war on http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war28.html Have you seen these cartoons? They seem like they'd be right up your alley. The whole damn collection is just so solid. (I remember reading somewhere that they were syndicated in rolling stone or something so you may have already witnessed the wonder.) Ride on and watch out for the rocks.

I know I've linked it before, and by God, I'll link it again.

For shizzle my nizzle.

From: Wild Bill from Canada Subject: Bikini's http://www.bikini-dare.com/main.html Check out the complete site. They are not on bicycles....but they could be. Enjoy

Yeah baby. I'm feelin' it. Thank for the link.

This link in from Greg. I've linked these pics a few times before. But, on the off chance you haven't seen it, here it is right here.

From: threefeetdeep Subject: it only gets weirder rainbownetwork.com/content/News.asp?newsid=4240

Ah, yeah. That is weird.

Really weird. Like, scary weird.

Top it all off with my msn broadband connection getting straight wacky tonight. Anytime you have to phone up those bozo's it's a bad time.

I tried all the usual stuff. I restarted the machine. I turned off the machines, and restarted the modem. I cried like a twelve year old girl.

Well, that was my whole bag of tricks.

A short, totally annoying, twenty minute phone call later, and we are once again firing on call cylinders at the drunkcyclist.com world headquarters. Also, known as my bedroom.

For those of you who have no had the pleasure of attempting to navigate the msn automated phone system, it goes a little like this:

A woman's voice says, "Hello, and welcome to msn. For English say English, para Espanol…"

French!

"Sorry I didn't understand. To continue in English, say English or press one."

Japanese!

"I'm sorry I didn't understand. Please say, get information, pass word reset, or cancel an account."

Fuck you!

"Ok, please hold while I connect you to the next available support professional."

Then you get some nerd boy high school wiz kid who can talk tech circles around my stupid ass. I say, yeah, I can't get online. He starts in with the real simple stuff, just to see if I'm totally retarded or not.

Jokes on you pal. I'm only half retarded.

Yes, the cord is plugged in. Yes, to the computer and the modem. Yeah, tried that. Tried that. Tried that too. That's why I'm calling. It's not on my end. Yeah. Yeah. Like I said. Tried that.

Oh, they just burn me up.

Fuck 'em.

From: big country Subject: Walmart goodies Big J, Here is something that you might like that came from walmart! http://www.almosttrue.com/wal-mart.php these are the ladies that work at walmart who were chosen to pose on playboy's website. Playboy was upset because walmart doesn't sell its magazine. So they (well playboy online had this contest, six lucky walmart chix would get paid a nice sum to pose nude). So i guess in a way to get back, playboy had this contest. go to your favorite search engine and search for "women of walmart." that was the name of the contest.

I just can't believe those girls worked at WalMart. Especially the last one, Tesha, with the implants and the seamless stripper tan. How the hell is she working for WalMart?

Will wonders ever cease?

From: db Subject: No jonny, this is funny!!! No porn just a stupid dog. staging.radio538.nl/tmp/20040120_hond.wmv

Yep. That's funny.

From: Tall Paul Subject: mr. prez Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!" "He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President; Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women. Even now - Look at him.. His wife works and he don't; And, he gets a check from the government every month."

Yeah. We all miss Clinton. Inside deals on real estate and blowjobs, wag the dog missile launching schemes and a strong economy. Life was good.

Now look at us.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

jenna   I   veronica   I   elizabeth

TJ says to "check this out". Looks like fun to me. One in from Larry, figured you might like it.

This is what a whole friggin metric assload of snow looks like, link from C. Kinda glad I don't live there.

From day to day I get quite a bit of the "want a bigger penis" type of email. And I mean a lot, like upwards of 50 hits on growth hormone, offshore pharmacies and generic vaigra. My penis is fine, thank you very much.

This next one I just had to share:

From: Karoline Subject: I like to be wacked in the face by cock damn! i cant even remember the last time i had a REAL ORGASM. i mean i get those little ones from time to time but there ok. i havent had a guy punish me with his cock to the point where exploded on him. thats the kinda orgasm i want. if you can do this for me then I'm all yours. ps. chat with me on Yahoo IM under…

Yeah, I edited out the ad part. I'm not about to give those assholes any webtraffic. But, I did get a laugh out of the subject line.

This in from across the pond:

From: Subject: Yo Big Boy! Check this link out: nypost.com/entertainment/16393.htm And I thought this was pretty relevant too: bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3210750.stm independent.co.uk/uk/health/story.jsp?story=482642 bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3112718.stm

Oh, so the Upsized American trend is going global? Great. I especially like the link about the "Upsize Me" movie. Sounds like a plan. Anyway, here's a link I found on portion size and caloric value. Sick, eh?

It remindes me of own I used to work for Starbucks. Making those big ass shit drinks made me want to vomit. If you've never steamed up a batch of half n half for a "brevi", you just haven't lived.

The shit comes out like paint. Swear to God.

One drink that was popular with a couple of the ladies was the, oh hell, I can't remember the name. Venti Brevi, something or the other. Anyway, the point was it came in a twenty ounce cup; three shots of espresso and the balance in frothy, paint like half n half.

Yes, that's seventeen ounces of half n half.

People did back flips for that shit. And it was killing them.

From: Aric Subject: Minnisota Ice Racing Thought everybody in the south might wonder what Minnesota does for bike racing in the winter time. superteamracing.com/pictures/Chillyiceracepics.htm

With a name like Aric, you know this guy can throttle it across a frozen lake. You guys are nuts, and I love you for it.

One more and I'm out. This is a pretty shitty deal. I've been linking to these 30 second spots that moveon.org was behind. The plan was to pick one ad, and then run it during the Super Bowl.

Anyway, read the letter.

From: Don't Censor Ads Subject: Spread the Word: CBD Censors Ads During this year's Super Bowl, you'll see ads sponsored by beer companies, tobacco companies, and the Bush White House. But you won't see the winning ad in MoveOn.org Voter Fund's Bush in 30 Seconds ad contest. CBS refuses to air it. Meanwhile, the White House and Congressional Republicans are on the verge of signing into law a deal which Senator John McCain (R-AZ) says is custom-tailored for CBS and Fox, allowing the two networks to grow much bigger. CBS lobbied hard for this rule change; MoveOn.org members across the country lobbied against it; and now the MoveOn.org ad has been rejected while the White House ad will be played. It looks an awful lot like CBS is playing politics with the right to free speech. Of course, this is bigger than just the MoveOn.org Voter Fund. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) submitted an ad that was also rejected. We need to let CBS know that this practice of arbitrarily turning down ads that may be "controversial" - especially if they're controversial simply because they take on the President - just isn't right. To watch the ad that CBS won't air and sign the petition to CBS to run these ads, go to: moveon.org/cbs/ad/ MoveOn.org will deliver the petition by email directly to CBS headquarters.

Monday, January 26, 2004

raver porn   I   damn   I   erika

Ok, Estrella kicked my ass up and down the street, parking lot, what have you. I was her bitch. She kicked me square in the nuts. And hard.

Twice. The bitch

I swear to God I ask myself every year as I get bounced around the rocks, "why did I sign up for this race again?"

It seems I just never learn. Well, good times were had by all as soon as the race part was over. The beer was flowing, and a few folks threatened to take the Drunk Cyclist Crown away from me. Yeah, yeah, I own it. You can bite me.

Check this one out one time. It's as fun as it gets. Click here for the wallpaper image. I'm running that one right now. It's bangin'.

From: Pat Subject: Reddington Race Course Big Jonny, This is Pat in Tucson. Tell mark from Bisbee to quit whining. Yeah parking going to be a BITCH, and this ain't no pussy multi-loop flat and fast course that everyone has ridden a billion times. It's gunna have challenges and not everybody's going to like it.

I'll let you tell him. And I'll see you there.

It can't be any worse than that piece of shit out at Estrella. My God, I think I ran into every single rock four times. I simply couldn't have less skill.

I suck.

Also, check out this upcoming event called the Awareness Fair.

From: Grant C. Subject: Hey Bitch Please publicize this shit. Important as the benefactors are the victims of the recent lion attacks in socal. Should be freaking huge (nearing one thousand) as media, both local and national, has picked up on it.

After a request like that, how could I ever say no?

And, why not roll right into this one?

From: Gabe Subject: This is where out tax dollars go HEY, BOB! LET'S GO GET A CUP OF COFFEE I guess government workers are pretty much the same everywhere. In Finland a government worker at a tax office died while sitting at his desk. And there he sat, for two entire days, before coworkers noticed that his productivity had declined just a bit. Only in the wonderful world of government could an office staff mistake a dead employee for one who was actually getting some work done. Walk into almost any government office not connected with law enforcement in this country and you will encounter some people who you seriously doubt have a pulse.

Sounds like me at work most days. If you can call drooling on yourself work, that is.

I don't know about you, but this makes me dizzy.

Many more of the same type of thing for ya. If you're into that type of thing. And, I suspect that you are. The background noise may be the best part. Try it out on the ones with a swimming pool. You'll be more than just plain dizzy in a matter of seconds.

From: Phil Subject: Hell Test hey what's up in Arizona....cold huh! I got up this morning and it was -24c the wind chill was aboot -40c I rode 20km. to work in snow. by the way I scored 208 on the hell test, not all of us Canadians are pussies.

Damn.

One more and I'm out. Good night.

From: John Subject: "relied" on the fox news channel That's enough to get you up screaming in the middle of the night...... I actually think there is a connection between Saddam and 9/11, but its subtleties are almost certainly lost on the pencil dicks pulling Duhbya's strings who just wanna kick some ass. That's a big d-u-h for those of you keeping score at home. The explosion of the media, and especially the internet has opened the eyes of people worldwide to possibilities for their lives they never dreamt existed. Guy in Iraq logs onto DC and reads about Big Jonny headed south to do some recreating and he says what the fuck-I'm spending my weekend looking under rocks for something to eat. Now he's pissed. What's amazing to me is how adept the political establishment in the Arab world has been in channeling that natural rage away from their inbred dictatorial asses that have kept that poor bastard from having the opportunity to own a Blue Bomber of his own and killed his brother for bitching about it, and toward the West where my beater, 200K, needin' a head gasket Trooper represents almost unimaginable wealth to him even as it inspires something bordering on revulsion in my BMW driving girlfriend. Saddam didn't commission the destruction of the towers, but he sure as hell had a hand in creating the frustration and feeling of helplessness that made doing it seem like a rational career choice. Iraqi, Saudi, it really doesn't matter; when it comes to the hatred that spawned 9/11 "they're all the same" fits more than it doesn't. Don't get me wrong; I don't think the fact that something good may yet come from our involvement in Iraq even begins to excuse the way we went about it. If Bush's cabinet had more than a pound of dick between them they wouldn't have been in such a fucking hurry to show us all what big men they were, but it's done now. It's a pretty fucked up deal when losing really isn't an option and all the guys running the show make the Rams' coach look like Albert Einstein. Why yes, I think I will have another..........

Friday, January 23, 2004

erica campbell   I   tera patrick   I   nikki nova

I've spent so much time on replying to this next email it makes my head spin. And I've got a race to get and do in the morning.

I'll be getting out of bed in a few short hours to wheel the Blue Bomber southbound to sunshine and suffering. It is the second race in our state series, at Estrella park. This course and I have an understanding. It will hurt me and I will cry like a little girl.

I ain't too proud to admit it.

On Sunday, I'll stick with the sun and suffering plan and pedal my fat happy ass around the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo course. It's time I reacquainted myself with the race that aims to break me.

I'm doing it solo this year, and the world is betting against me. I don't think anyone's given me much of a chance to get past 1:00 am.

We'll see.

From: Tim Subject: Racial Simpletons? After all these years, you finally forced me to respond as I felt myself being called a racist simpleton by somebody who is clearly ignorant of foreign policy himself. I consider myself a centrist and I have no problem hitting my buddy GW on his fiscal responsibility, or lack thereof, but I what I think you're truly ignorant of is the Iraq war. The short of your ignorance is that not one person in the Bush administration ever claimed that Iraq was directly related to the horrific events of September 11th. The fear with a lot of foreign policy advisors is that rogue nations will develop and export weapons of mass destruction to terrorist like cells who lack the rational decision making skills. In fact, you could very easily make the argument that much of what this administration is carrying out is directly in-line with the previous administration. Please see some quotes from the savior of the extreme left wing (Bill Clinton) "The community of nations may see more and more of the very kind of threat Iraq poses now: a rogue state with weapons of mass destruction, ready to use them or provide them to terrorists. If we fail to respond today, Saddam and all those who would follow in his footsteps will be emboldened tomorrow." 1998 "What if [Saddam] fails to comply and we fail to act, or we take some ambiguous third route, which gives him yet more opportunities to develop this program of weapons of mass destruction? ... Well, he will conclude that the international community has lost its will. He will then conclude that he can go right on and do more to rebuild an arsenal of devastating destruction. And some day, some way, I guarantee you he'll use the arsenal." In my humble opinion, the United Nations passed resolution 1441 and the international community responded and finally gave the UN an enforcing arm. You see, an international body that makes laws becomes ineffective when you can't enforce them. Do you think other rogue nations are thinking twice about their actions? Now I'm sure some want to ignore what I just said and point to the fact that we have found zero WMD and therefore rendering 1441 useless; a legitimate response but it doesn't take away from the fact that the Clinton Administration and other world leaders also thought Iraq had WMD. In other words, it wasn't an off the cuff reason for the administration to take this country to war. As for those who say we shouldn't have gone to free a people from one of the most brutal dictators of our time, fuck it, because you're driving your SUV living in a free world where you can cast your political views on to the world without retribution, and look at porn and all the fun stuff, fuck the innocent people in Iraq because I'm free here in America, who cares about the rest of the world, right? Irrespective of the type of government that is put into place in Iraq, I know the people are in a better shape today then they were tomorrow. Oh, since you seem so ignorant of the policy, the saboteurs in Iraq are mostly insurgents as I understand it, meaning folks outside the country. Anyway, I understand that the aforementioned is not fact, rather an opinion that I conjured up with my experiences in the world as a civilian and a reservist. My main point behind all this is that you calling folks ignorant racists simpletons is more of a reflection of your own ignorance than those you point the finger at (e.g. me). Although I am still undecided with the upcoming election, I have yet to see a viable Dem to challenge Mr. Bush. Actually, since you seem to have all the answers, why don't you run for office; a bike and boob society. Take it light and other than your extreme politics, a great web site. Actually, your politics are somewhat amusing and it's good to get a pulse check on what my fellow Americans are thinking.

We're taking it light, and I appreciate the email. You bring up so many points, I'm sure I'll miss responding to at least a few of them. Maybe even more that a few. But, I'll give it the old college try.

The fact is there are lots of people out there that have made a connection between 9-11 and Iraq. In this article on fair.org, a University of Maryland's Program in International Policy Attitudes found, "67 percent of those who relied on Fox [news] thought that the U.S. had found clear evidence that Saddam Hussein had worked closely with Al Qaeda…"

67% of the people who "relied" on the Fox News channel. Can you imagine how many thousands and thousands of registered voters that is? It's enough to scare me.

On talkingpointsmemo.com, Josh Marshall wrote about Dick Cheney's statements on a show called Meet the Press. During the interview, Cheney perpetuates the mistruth that Saddam Hussein was involved in the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center. A full transcript available here.

Remember, this is the Vice President speaking:

MR. RUSSERT: The Washington Post asked the American people about Saddam Hussein, and this is what they said: 69 percent said he was involved in the September 11 attacks. Are you surprised by that? CHENEY: No. I think it's not surprising that people make that connection. MR. RUSSERT: But is there a connection? VICE PRES. CHENEY: We don't know..

I will freely admit I did not cut and past the entire dialogue into my post. I'm not trying to misquote the Vice President by doing so. It's a long exchange, and I'm saving some space here. In my opinion, he spends about the next 275 words reiterating the same lame conclusion. "We don't know."

I suggest that, in fact, we do know. There is no evidence of a connection between Hussein and Al Qaeda. People are being misled.

And, they're eating it up with spoons.

I have actually heard people say they think Hussein was involved because, "they're all the same over there." The idea being they're all over there, they're all brown, and they all can't be trusted.

That's racism, and that is what I was talking about.

Did you read, hear, or see the interview Diane Sawyer did with President Bush? You can read the whole thing here, and, again, over at talkingpointsmemo.com.

You cannot tell me that sounds convincing on any level. Bush was reaching, and it showed. And, check out this message board post. I like what that guy had to say about it. You'll have so scroll down a bit in his post, but he's on the mark.

Now, I'll admit Hussein is a piece of crap. No argument here. But, the question is can we really afford to set a precedent of regime change and pre-emptive war? And the key word is precedent. Who's going to do this next? India? Pakistan? Who? Will someone do it to us? Maybe North Korea invading South Korea because, hell, they figured it was only a matter of time before we invaded them.

Where does this idea of pre-emption end?

Can you imagine if Hussein had tried to defend his invasion of Kuwait as a pre-emptive military strike against a threatening neighbor? How could you deny it when we just invaded a county on some pretty slim evidence, and what boils down to a whole lot of smoke and mirrors?

I do think you are correct in saying other rouge nations will think twice in their actions. Libya is showing signs of 'coming around' so to speak. And, the imminent threat of overwhelming military force may be a big part of that.

But, what is it their thinking twice about: The rule of Law, or the Rule of Force?

What the rogue nations will aspire for is power. For with Power, you can do whatever you want. You can do anything. Because we have shown through out actions, as the most powerful county in the world, that might make right.

Truth be damned.

In your words: "As for those who say we shouldn't have gone to free a people from one of the most brutal dictators of our time, fuck it, because you're driving your SUV living in a free world where you can cast your political views on to the world without retribution, and look at porn and all the fun stuff, fuck the innocent people in Iraq because I'm free here in America, who cares about the rest of the world, right? Irrespective of the type of government that is put into place in Iraq, I know the people are in a better shape today then they were tomorrow."

I think you meant to say, 'better shape then they were yesterday'. And God knows I fuck up my own writing on this site enough. I really can't fault you for that. Anyway, there are in this World such a thing Law.

Law, like the one Hussein was violating. The reason we invaded his country, to force him to comply with the law.

But, the problem is a country cannot just invade another country simply because you are strong enough to do it. You cannot just "take out" the leader of a country you don't agree with.

And what we did was not supported by the world community.

Anyway, the part that really pisses me off is the whole 'bait and switch'. We were all bullshitted on weapons of mass destruction, terrorism and whatever else had the fly over states shaking in their shoes.

You can't start a fight over one thing, and then change your rationale when it's all over. We went in there because we were all led to believe Hussein had an arsenal of weapons. And, not only did he have them, he was poised to use them on us. Me and you, at any time. If he couldn't use them himself, he'd get them to the people who could use them against us. We were in danger from this man, his actions, his desires to hurt us, our way of life. We were to be afraid, and to just shut up and "support the troops".

That was the company line, and we sure did get in line, didn't we?

So, now we're talking about the "liberation of the Iraqi people". What? Where did that come from? We were going in for WMDs, and we can't find any, so now we're going to change our whole pitch up?

We now know from Ron Suskind's new book, "The Price of Loyalty", that Bush sought a way to 'get' Hussein from the first days of his administration. "From the very first instance, it was about Iraq. It was about what we can do to change this regime," says Suskind. "Day one, these things were laid and sealed."

When Bush says, "What's the difference?" it's all to telling of his views on the subject. All he wanted was an excuse to flex the muscle of the American military.

Do the ends justify the means, or the means justify the ends?

It's an important distinction.

We are the most powerful country in the world and we act like a drunken bully. This is going to haunt us all for a long, long time. Lines like "You're either with us or against us" and "bring it on" aren't making the world any safer for me and you. It's only making things worse.

Whoever replaces Bush, be it now or in four more years, is going to have their work cut out for them kissing the asses of the world community to repair the massive amount of damage one reckless cowboy managed to create in his years at the helm.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

sydney moon   I   sunny leone   I   lesbians rule

Some of you may have noticed the lack of galleries around this place today. We are working to respect copyrights. And by we, I mean me.

Just the three of us around here, me, myself and I. We're a good team, 'cept for all the infighting. You'll have that with the room full of ego I'm carrying around. Oh yes, I don't know a thing about humility.

Now, humidity, that I can understand. That's why I've got a great big cast iron kettle steaming with pride on the woodstove. I'm not satisfied till the windows steam up.

I like to make my neighbors think I'm having wild sex parties up in this joint. But, really, it's just the three of us playing a little "good cop/bad cop.

I do enjoy roughing up the suspect now and again.

And, by now and again, I mean every twenty minutes.

While riding in Tucson the other week, and unnamed pro mountain bike chick said to me, "There's the stone nipple."

"What, am I showing?" I said, rubbing my chest. Man, you could cut glass with these things, I thought to myself.

"No, Rincon Mountain."

Oh.

I've never seen the resemblance. I've seen the Rincons a thousand times. And I'm a smut peddler. Go figure.

I thought I already posted this email, but I guess not. Check it out.

From: Tony Baggadonuts Subject: clips steakandcheese.com/content/detail.asp?ID=8305&type=1&page=6 steakandcheese.com/content/detail.asp?ID=7811&type=1&page=9 steakandcheese.com/content/detail.asp?ID=7596&type=1&page=11 steakandcheese.com/content/detail.asp?ID=464&type=1&page=24 steakandcheese.com/content/detail.asp?ID=548&type=1&page=28 steakandcheese.com/content/detail.asp?ID=465&type=1&page=30

That ought to help you waste some time at work.

From: Mark Subject: Reddington Race Course Hey Jonny, Mark from Bisbee here, just went out and reconnoitered the Reddington "race course", and my question for the Jackasses who picked this "course" is WHERE IN THE FUCK IS THE SINGLETRACK?!!! Nothing but rocky jeep trails on that bitch. Oh well, at least there's some climbing. I predict that the parking situation will be a colossal goat fuck though, what with talk of shuttles, etc. Is there no better venue in the Tucson area? Bring back the Sierra Vista race! Peace out.

Ha! I've never seen the course, and I'm glad to see you like it. Good thing I'm one of those natural climber type mother fuckers.

If the parking is anything like the first race, people are sure to complain. I myself just parked down the road, where the beer was, and rode my bike to the start line.

I expect I'll be doing much the same this time out. Unless, of course, we can secure what is rapidly becoming the semi-official drunkcyclist team vehicle: Jackass's van.

Shit is pimp.

From: Joey Subject: I'd like the Japanese symbol for retard please "Yeah honey, sure it says spiritual goddess"... soufoaklin.com/tattooartist.html

That is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. What balls!

I've always kinda wondered if some of those bozos with the Chinese character tattoos had any idea what was actually written on themselves.

Now I know some of them did not.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

kelly tyler   I   nikki nova   I   krystal steal

Hoo haa hump day. Just get up and over this one, fellas, and we're home free.

My favorite response quote from the State of the Union address last night was a woman on the radio that said, "I feel the President is extremely naïve in foreign policy".

And a close second was the Republican old man who said, "I have been a Republican for forty years, because I want fiscal responsibility. I have no idea how the President is going to balance the budget. I just don't see it. I am uncomfortable that Clinton provided a surplus and George W. blew it. Big time."

And, after all that, tons of people are still going to vote for Dubbya. He'll get a hit load of votes because many of my fellow Americans are ignorant, racist simpletons that still believe Saddam Hussein was directly involved with the attacks of September 11th.

And, steroids? What the fuck was that about?

From: Scorekeeper Scott Subject: Lock up DH big jonny- Make sure you keep tabs on the Gnome in late Sept., I wouldn't want anything to happen to him, there wouldn't be anyone who could afford the ransom. gnome-fest.net Scorekeeper Scott not scoring, but riding and drinking, you shall join me for a brew when you bonk.

Ha! I must have three emails on the Gnome Fest. Sounds like a good time. I'll be seeing ya out there at the Old Pueblo, riding and drinking, not scoring.

I needed ya at the score table, though. A couple of extra night laps could've catapulted me into the top forty or so.

Kicking ass while I'm sleeping. Sounds like a plan, eh?

From: Tony Baggadonuts Subject: no subject Hey, Why don't you have links to steakandcheese.com and consumptionjunction.com on your website/home page? Did you get the links I sent you? Funny crashes. Perhaps you've already seen them. By the way, At this point do you even care who takes the superbowl?

They're linked now. And, no I don't really care who wins the Superbowl. I'd bet on the Pats rolling the Panthers. But, you've all seen my track record on football. Take my pick, switch it up, and you're a winner.

From: Jon Subject: Another link you might like Hey Big Jonny, It was good to see you last weekend. I particularly liked you account of the shitter on Mt. Lemmon. I found this link you might like: The urban dictionary. It has a funny entry or two for "log watcher." We found that using the "random word" link which is what follows: urbandictionary.com/random.php

You said log.

You had me at log.

Ok, enough log already.

From: Brinky Subject: Eagles To my Philadelphia Brethren in mourning: Here is an email I got from one of my home boys now residing in Phx which I believe you can relate to: Three!… Three!…..That's what I get for my season of being an Eagles fan. Three! That's it. Three! F----ing three! The fat man with a moustache gets me three. Three mother -%$%#@ points. In the NFC Championship game, I get Three. Three! F&*%$&^ three. Three straight times I have been to this NFC Championship game and I have three to show for it. No, listen to me, Donovan McNabb is not that good! He's good enough to tease you and me. He's the Barney Fife of Andy Reid and Mayberry. I'm serious. I said four years ago that he was nothing more than a fat man with a moustache and I'm sticking to it. He's a dunce! Give him a pointed hat, sit him in the corner. And if you think I might be harsh, then riddle me this, why can I not get a straight answer from the man who supposedly runs this team. Who do you blame this time, Mr. Krispy Kreme?? You canvas your answers because you feel we do not need to know; it would be better off if we didn't know. Well, you know what fat boy, F- ing tell me. Because I am tired of listening to your diatribe of this is a game, it's about us, you don't understand, blah, blah , blah, blah, blah! I'm tired of it, Sorry! You have disappointed me. No one else, You! You're fat and happy, because you can't be fat and happy unless you're fat! You let me down! Big time! I can blame a bunch of people, but it all starts with you, you fat fuck! There has never been a decent, certainly a winning Andy ever. Live with that when you stuff another cheese steak down your big fat throat, you pathetic piece of crap. Offense?? You're offensive! That's all the offense you know! The people of Philadelphia do not need a tub of lard like you to come in and disappoint year after year. We'll bring back Joe Kuharick. I have never blamed anyone like I am blaming you now, but it is incumbent on me to seek better direction and certainly someone who will now own up to his own obligations, as a man. If you just do that, come clean and tell me you were out coached, or something, fine. Don't f----ing lie to me again! You know what you got me Sunday?? Three! F…..ing three! Are you kidding me? Three????? Think about that! Please, think about that! Hey, has that cheese steak gotten cold? Stop eating and start thinking. Let me remind you that you got all of ten points in last year's Championship game. So you have rung up 13 points in two games, at home, for the fans that pay your salary, who trust you, who believe in you. And what do you do? YYou f--- us! Again! Beat it! You know what? Just beat it! You're not Philly! You're not! Just beat it! Go back to Mayberry! Go somewhere. Just get the f--- away from me. Have another donut!

Yep. Three. Three years, three points.

I'm still so fucking pissed off about it I can't even see straight.

From: Ed Subject: Good morning There is considerable evidence that a proper diet together with a good exercise regimen is the secret to a long and healthy life. The four sites below each demonstrate an exercise to get your mind working, your eyes wide open and the old ticker humming in the morning. Try the exercise sites and see if you don't notice immediate improvement in your mental attitude and physical well being. bangedup.com/archives/SidneyMoon2yaya.swf bangedup.com/archives/SidneyMoon3yaya.swf bangedup.com/archives/SidneyMoon4yaya.swf bangedup.com/archives/SidneyMoon5yaya.swf

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

veronica zemanova   I   for sheezy   I

I've just recently got my hands on a bad ass new pile vest from the fine folks at Showers Pass. Fucking thing is boss. And talk about warm. Good thing I got it, it's been snowing up here like it's going out of style.

Check out this special where you can order a vest and get a free pair of armwarmers. You just can't beat it.

Ah, snow. How I love thee. I could give a rats ass about snow, but at least the trails will be in good shape this summer. And that rocks. All this snow also should help keep the fires at bay. And, we all like that action. No scorched earth policy for us, oh no. We're talking lush forests, baby

The snow isn't so bad, really. Except when some jackass cuts you off in traffic in his big honkin' truck, and then proceeds to give it too much gas and get the whole ass end sideways. Right into the lane I'm in. That was a bit on the scary side. 'Ol Blue nearly gave up the ghost when she saw that coming her way.

I figured that guy as much as dents my ride, and this things a total. The market value for a '91 Buick with 187,000 on her has got to be in the neighborhood of 12 dollars.

Or, forty packs of Ramen noodles.

From: Mike Subject: Hell Rocks!!! Hey man, That "win yourself a pornstar wife" is damn funny. Some bad-ass mofo banged up this hot bimbo and then took off. Now the hoe is looking for some emasculated sucker with moola to play her superman....and raise the damn kid in the process. Mouhahaha!!! Ten bucks she'll be screwing Mr Muscles behind Mr Pussy-Savior's back within a year Ain't that how it goes? Hell ya! Long live the bad boy, brother. Long live the bad boy. You bastard...169!!! My 140 leaves me with an inferiority complex now. Fuck. Maybe I should go out and cheat on my girlfriend...that should gain me another ten points or so. Nah. I said long live the bad boy, damn it. Not long live the jerk. Bad boys rock. Bad girls rock even more. Cheers!

We'll give you honorable mention for your score. You went down swinging.

Which is more than I can say about the Eagles, by the way.

And, you're right about the porn chick thing. Sure, I'd be fun to give the little trollop the high hard one a couple of dozen times, but what's with raising someone else's kid?

What the fuck do I look like to you, lady? A welfare office?

Ho ho, fuck that.

I hear this is a good "free" site. I haven't bothered go join, 'cause I'm one lazy bastard.

From: Joey Subject: WTF? C'mon dude, what's up with all the tests (hell, political compass) it's like you're turning into some twisted version of Good Housekeeping or Cosmopolitan. Next time you're thinking of linking one of these 20 page tests that tell you nothing you don't already know (by the way, I'm going to hell with a very non-gay 225), give us 20 pages of porn links instead.

Ok, here is your porn link.

From: Stephen Subject: Suck Bowl XXXVIII Big Johnny, I feel for you my man. I was all excited when you had 'Fuck the Patriots' on your site the other day. Now we're both sitting here with our hometown teams (you Philly, obviously, and me, Indy) who will be watching the suck bowl XXXVIII from home. I've gone on a wicked tequila binge and ended up hoggin once or twice and still felt better about myself the next morning than I did on Monday. If there's any consolation, for me at least, is that I saw the Panthers dismantle the Colts earlier this year, and believe that they will bitch slap the Pats in Suck ass bowl XXXVIII. Mr. Tom 'Three Yard Pass' Brady will be exposed for the over rated QB he is. At least Manning and McNabb were (are) playmakers. By the way, that looked like a fine-able late hit that broke McNabbs ribs, but thats just me.... Keep the lesbian porn coming, cause that's what makes me forget about a bad weekend.

Talk about a shitty feeling. God damn, I feel like somebody just died. Lesbians. That's it.

Lesbians are the only thing that can save us now.

From: Robert Subject: Kunstler BIG Jon. I read one of his books (Geography of Nowhere) and had the privilege of meeting this guy when he did a review of my classes project on sustainable public transit. He is fucking hilarious, and his vision of the 21st century I think is the most in check of anyone's I've heard. His site tells a little bit of the story: kunstler.com. But, if you just want a quick peek at his thoughts, I recommend the "eyesore of the month" - kunstler.com/eyesore.html. Every previous month's is worth your time as well. October's might have some context given recent conversation - kunstler.com/eyesore_200310.html.

Yep. Good stuff at that website. Check it out and poke around for awhile. The movie reviews are not to be missed.

Monday, January 19, 2004

sunny leone   I   jana cova   I   veronica zemanova

God damn I love Mondays. Good thing my schedule says no riding today. Otherwise I'd be straight fucked. It's all about the Pain Cave today. How do I get back out of this thing? I lost my map, dropped my flashlight and there are wolves after me.

Bring on the coffee. And lots of it, my man. Word 'em up.

Feel up to finding out where you lay on the political compass? I, apparently, have something in common with Gandhi and Nelson Mandela with a score that reads Economic Left/Right: -4.62, Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -5.38. I'm a fuckup.

I climbed up Mt. Lemmon yesterday, or at least part of it. It's closed up after mile 11. I wasn't really complaining.

Me and Mt. Lemmon have an understanding. It's big and I suck.

What was concerning me was my eminent need to push the deuce. As I reached the 9 mile mark, I knew, without doubt, that lasts nights bbq chicken sausage and beer dinner were rallying up. It was to be a Lemans style start, so this was just for show. But when it was go time, I was going nowhere.

There are bathrooms up at the Bear Canyon campground, and I silently prayed to whatever gods I could conjure up. Just get me through this one, Big Chief, and it's the straight and narrow from here on out.

If the campground bathrooms weren't open for business, so to speak, I had some very bleak pickings of scrub oak and pine trees to hide behind and try and wipe my ass with. I decided sockless would be it. And, none of this pussy "saving a sock" nonsense for me. This was tough guy stuff, no man left behind and all that. Lest it be a pair of socks. Then, fuck 'em. Vaya con dios, mi amigos, I was proud to ride with you.

Ah, but as luck would have it I happened upon a construction porta potty as the sign read "No Bicycles Beyond This Point".

Happy days.

I knew it was cold up there, but I've never seen ice in a porta potty before. Ice. As in frozen. Fuck it, I dumped the shorts and got comfy. Gentleman, start your engines.

Who know Trader Joes Spicy Chicken Sausage paired with Coors Light could cause such a ruckus? Fuck me, it was violent.

Houston, we have splash down!

And splash back. Oh shudder. Fuck. That shit is cold. Blue water splashdown. I was sickened. Ice cold crap water splashing on ones nutsack may be the most horrible of all sensations. And, this is many, many peoples crap.

Sick.

I went at myself with a big wrap of cardboard like tp. It was blue. Oh god, I'm going to barf. Right here with my jersey unzipped and my bib shorts around my knees.

Not fun.

It was the second ring of hell.

Speaking of Hells second ring (where I will live for eternity) see where your skinny white ass is gonna end up.

From: Nat Subject: Levels of Hell Test Hey, I love the cycling stuff, and the porn... Mike Jones got me on to your site. Anyhow here is another hell test, which tells you which level of hell you are going to end up in... 4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Another shameless Mike Jones plug. Shameless.

A new high score for the hell test.

From: Adrian Subject: Hell Test My girlfriend scored 256. I'm terrified.

Terrified? As well you should be. Better keep her locked up somewhere secure. And do not, under any circumstances, let her go to Ragbrai.

Descendents? 2004?

No. NO? Maybe? Fuck yeah. Check this shit out.

From: Sean Subject: descendents fatwreck.com/albumdetail.php3?sd=QAyztNHRMXIAAGyRTYg&cat_num=671 wooo i dont think anyone is more excited about this than i am. the song "cool to be you" is awesome, i'm downloading the one on the above site right now. news on decendents

I poked around in that site a bit, and found Sick Of It All. Fuck yeah. Check the tunes. And Craig Ahead plays bass for them now? Shit, I'm out of the loop. I don't know fucking anything anymore living up in hippies dippy land.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

avy scott   I   erica campbell   I   lesbians rule

I am such a fucking idiot. The Patriots and Eagles? Why didn't I mention the team the Eagles were playing? What the fuck was I thinking? Nice fucking update, fat boy.

I can't believe I posted that shit.

Here's how it went down: I often write myself notes on little scraps of paper, shit to put in an update. A couple of links to use, maybe a just rough sketch of something I want to say. Something funny I heard. Or, with my friends, something funny about them. Sometimes I also have a pretty good idea in my head how it's going all together. Other times I have no idea at all and just start reading email and surfing the web for ideas. Anyway, Friday, I had a plan.

I started out wanting to call out the Pats and the Panthers. My picks were the Colts, and of course, the Eagles. I had this idea that I'd pick on P words, like, P is for Patriots, Panthers, pussies, pretenders and punks. I'd link to sites that said the Pats and Panthers sucked it, and that sort of thing.

Then, since Payton Manning is the man. Or, was, rather, before today and four interceptions. I was going to make him the one exception to the P rule. For him I was going to link the movie trailer for the new Punisher flick. A very bad man.

Yeah, I was aiming high. Too high. I got home from work, and started typing. I was also packing my bag for Tucson. I had a 300 mile drive ahead of me, and I didn't want to get in to late. The Shootout comes early Saturday morning, and you don't show up with a knife for a gun fight.

Searching out the right links was becoming a pain in my ass. I found something about a "Fuck the Pats" shirt on a site I already knew about. The phone keep ringing, time was passing. I was itching to get on the road, and wanted to throw together that update pronto.

I must have left the computer ten times to pull shit out of my ass. My train of thought was a mess. I started posting emails in the update and wrapped it up with an "I'll be out of town, don't expect and update this weekend" disclaimer.

Then, I forgot the most important P word of them all: Proofread.

I didn't even take the time to read over what I had written. I just posted it and bailed.

It wasn't until Saturday night when I made some comment about the Patriots that I started to realize what had happened. My worst fear was soon confirmed. I had somehow, in my haste, done the inconceivable and confused the teams in my head. Here I am talking about the Pats and the Eagles, two teams that might be able to face off, say, in two weeks. Not this Sunday. Worse yet, it was on the net. To my horror, I might add.

The whole fucking world is laughing at me. Oh, the pain.

I've made plenty of errors on the site in the past. Just ask the Gnome. He used to like to email me with lists, fucking long lists of all the grammatical errors, misspellings and sentences that made absolutely no sense at all. One time, I put "Iowa Jima" instead of Iwo Jima.

No shit. Iowa.

When he pointed it out, at a bar, it was a hit. He killed with that one. I couldn't believe I had done it. I went back, and sure enough, I'm a fucking dumbass. How the hell did I ever type that? I blamed it on spell check, but really, I should have noticed.

Of course it's Iwo Jima, for fucks sake. Anyone would know that. Even the average sixth grader.

On Sunday, after the second half of my back to back five hour rides, I knew I was fucked. Just plain fucked. I had my laptop in the car, just in case I could squirrel up some web time and fuck about. Alas, there is no internet at Big M's house. I fired it up and yes, I had butchered it. Here I am, talkig about the Patriots and the Eagles, two teams in different conferences that couldn't possibly be matched up today. Anyone would know that. Even the average sixth grader.

I had a four hour drive before I could fix my huge fuckup.

Pair that feeling in my gut with the god damn awful football game I listened to driving back up here and you have me right now. Straight fucking pissed off.

Did I just curse my team?

Knowing the answer is at the bottom of one of these cans of beer in the fridge, I've decided to commit the ass end of my Sunday to finding it. It's gonna be in the next one, I can feel it. And, if not, the one after that.

Wish me luck with that and the gloating Eagles suck emails. Oh, I want to cry in my beer.

From: Bobby Subject: sorry about that You didn't know that I grew up in Charlotte NC. I hate to ask this but how does ass taste? I mean Carolina kicked it so hard that it must be between your teeth. Uh, nasty flavor, huh? Panthers, Super Bowl... Eagles, Toilet Bowl.

And, oh jeez…

From: Dirty Steve Subject: yo juan Big ride today, temp was 2,windchill was 27 below zero, I had a three inch snotsickle hanging from my nose and I think I snapped off my little toe- this was suppose to be an easy ride after yesterdays three hour ride on six inch wide, postholed single track snow covered trail-it was so bumpy that I lost two fillings and will probably be pissing blood for the rest of the week- so anyway, what do you call a bunch of millionaires watching the superbowl?....the eagles! [I can say that, I'm from minnesootaa]

Great.

And now a little about the hell test.

From: SS29MTB Subject: going to hell! 169 ? stinking amateur, I scored 209. about the only thing I didn't say yes to was sex with same sex.....

Good looking out my man. Say no to cock. I can support that decision. Kinda makes you wonder about these next two guys, doesn't it? How'd they score higher unless, well…

From: nick the dick Subject: my score 232 going straight to Hell

I'll be seeing you in hell. And, on to our current high score holder:

From: Pistol Pete Subject: Hell Test Dood, I took the Hell Test. Without cheating I got a 238. I'm going strait to Hell. Of course we all knew the outcome beforehand..... Damn! P.S.:I really liked the question about making someone sleep in the Wet Spot

I'll just stick to my no "sex with same sex", heterosexual, non-fruit salad, score of 169, thank you very much.

Just to be sure, I retook the test and said yes to damn near everything. Including the one about licking an eyeball. I guess I'm not as depraved as I suspected if that one had never even crossed my mind. Not once.

Anyway, you can score big without being down with the meat popsicle. Nick and Pete, you are cleared.

Friday, January 16, 2004

sydney moon   I   lonnie   I   lesbians rule

* I am a complete and utter idiot. See my new update for the reasons why *

Straight up Fuck the Patriots.

This weekend is all about the Eagles. I don't give a shit what anyone says, the Pats are going down. I want to see people taken off the field on stretchers. For fucks sake.

I've waited years for this. Years. So close, so fucking close. God damn it, give me one more win. Get to the big one, why don't ya?

Anyone need some ideas for a new t-shirt? These look like winners to Me.

Go take the hell test.

I got a 169.

Says I'm a "danger to society".

Good.

From: marco Subject: more special links for you movable french tits milked.free.fr/animated win your own porn star wife petter-hegre.no/hegrearchivesgirlseeksmisterright top quality british porn(!) ,with blue veins psio.net/vixpix you should treat your wife to a new outfit every now and again designercostumes.co.uk

Lets see, French tits massive and good. Porn star wife insatiable cock hungry Martian. Can only be trouble. British porn, horrid. Just fucking horrid. And, racy outfits for tuning up the old lade, nice.

From: greg Subject: extremeironing.com About halfway down there's a thumbnail of some tool is ironing his clothes while riding his bike. extremeironing.com

I'm pretty sure I've linked that site in the past. But, it's so damn ridiculous, I'll link it again. What the hell?

I'll be in Tucson with weekend, so I don't imagine I'll get any updating done. The site should be rocking and reeling again by Sunday night. So, only one day off really. When you think about it.

Go Eagles.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

hottie   I   tons of nikki nova pics   I   water bondage

A couple of hours on the roller will have you saying stupid things. And, I'm talking stupid. Like, for example, this isn't so bad. So, I can't feel my penis, I can live with that.

Yeah, see what I mean? Good thing I have a couple of hours of the '97 Giro on tape to stare at. Otherwise I'd go stone cold crazy and probably have to settle for Rush Limbaugh's witless banter for pedaling fodder. And, no one, and I mean no one, wants that to happen.

I'm considering heading down to Tucson for a weekend of riding in the sunshine. I fully realize that if I stay up her in the northland, the weather will be straight up piss. If I head out of town, the weather here will be beautiful, the finest in seen in years. That's the way is always works with me. Whatever I choose, I'm hosed. Whichever way I turn, the right way was behind me.

My man Casey tells me "Jesus loves his little chillins." Well, be don't love me.

And who knew a mustache means money? I just thought cool guys had 'em and that was it?

From: Miles Subject: Well, I did wreck the shit outta myself, its true But I'm getting over it. This goddamned cast IS coming off before Tucson, too. No way am I going to let some stupid shit like a broken hand keep me from my laps around that fun-in-the-sun course. In the ER, when they told me I'd have to wear a cast for five weeks, I said "sweet. I'm golden." My wife asked what I meant, and when I replied that Tucson is in SIX weeks, so I'll be able to race, she looked at me and said "you are one sick man." See you (and that "too good for his old pals" Corey F) there.

Didn't know you read the site, but I'm stoked. I've gotten quite a few emails about your little ass over teakettle adventure. You could write a book about it, call it "It's not about the fall". You could totally get on that whole Lance bandwagon.

Maybe even make a few bucks.

From: James Subject: Picture of a duck Bigjonny- This is a picture of a duck. There is an arrow pointing to it. That will help you find the duck.

What? A Duck? Like a bird that likes water? First of all there isn't even any water in the picture. Just two huge, luscious, baaaazzzzzzzzzzz. zzzghp p zzzzz

Huh? I'm awake!

Man, I'll tell ya, I should have gotten a job with a chair a long time ago. The concept of not standing around for hours is a sound one. My legs thank me for it. I'm so fond of sitting at the moment, that I may just take to doing it all the time.

I can sit at home, in the car, on the toilet. I can sit in the yard, in the snow, on the woodpile. I tell ya, this sitting thing might really catch on.

Or, maybe I'm just crazy.

From: Brad Subject: Another great mtb race Coming up in February there will be a killer ultra-endurance mountain bike race in or around Lajitas, Texas (close to Big Bend National Park). It's 100k long, with a shit load of climbing out in the desert. Check the website out: http://www.desertsportstx.com/events.html

There you have it folks, a good way to kick your own ass. And that ride is out in the middle of friggin no where.

I wonder if I could recover from the 24 Hour race on the 14th in time for this one? Hmmm. Might have to call the Gnome in on this one. And it will get ugly.

I hear my man K. Noble might make it down to the Old Pueblo. Come on down, skinny, we'd be glad to have you around to lap.

Just kidding. I won't lap ya. But Gnomie might.

How'd ya like to watch this no-holds barred grudge match in your back yard? A boa constrictor against a porcupine. Talk about entertainment.

From: Jon Subject: The Shocker dun wrong… Yo Big Jonny, I was very pleased to see that the shocker is making a come back...as if to remind me of one more thing I forgot I learned in college. Anyway, most of the participants have excluded the thumb. This is a very integral digit in the shocker experience and can be used to make the "duty" more enjoyable if you will. If done properly, the thumb can be used to beat down the little man in the boat much like one of those punching bags with sand in the bottom you got as a kid. In fact, I found it to be more of a "shock and Awe" kind of campaign that your girl may actually request once in awhile if done properly. I guess the correct sign should incorporate a wiggly thumb as well. Anyway its late and I now feel dumber than I did before I decided to share this tid-bit of info with you...peace.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

jari   I   stormy   I   nikki nova

I went for a two hour ride today on my extended lunch break toward Snow Bowl. They seem to be open for business up there on the hill, but I can't imagine the snow is any good. I mean, sure, there's some snow in the trees and shit, but enough for a ski resort?

I thought about all the guys calling me out when the temperature was 36 degrees at noon. It was colder than a witches tit out there I'll tell ya. I can't say I'm a fan of the cold.

Old Pistol Pete is rapidly becoming the most prolific email contributor. I guess when you're bumming around on your bike, livin' it up proper, you have plenty of time for an email barrage.

God Bless us everyone.

From: Pistol Pete Subject: Lions You sir are my main source of news. Your latest post was heartwarming, to say the least. It is too bad the cats must pay the ultimate price though. As for cyclists being mauled, I say it's too little too late. If those cats would've organized twenty years ago the destruction of a unique ecosystem could have been avoided. every one of those people mentioned in the article was an immigrant to the area. That part of the world twenty years ago had a million inhabitants, tops. There are now scores of millions of people there. Every square inch of land is spoken for, including every wetland. You can no longer eat fish from the local waters. The humans are the problem, not the native inhabitants. That was Grizzly land at one time. As my Dine´ buddies say, "The Buffalo are gonna love this country again some day".

My man Jackass was saying just the same thing about the cats the other day. With all the development going on out SoCal way, and then add in the fires of this year, you don't have much in the way of natural habitat left. So, the cats come down into places they would have avoided in the past.

Then you have what I like to call a "user conflict" out on the trails.

The difference between a cat and, say, a person on horseback, is that the cat gets shot and that's the end of it. Not so simple for the horsebound trail user. Or, I should add, the downhill clown that just rode straight at you at mach ten.

Always a pleasure, almost getting killed.

From: David Subject: Check out this mtb crash Check out this MTB Crash Ouch! Here is the link: http://members.cox.net/mtbbill/images/milescrash-500k.mpg http://www.mountainbikebill.com/MilesCrash.htm

The video is hard to top, I mean, Jesus Fucking Christ that guy wrecks the shit outta himself. I was glad to know he walked away from that crash before I saw it on video. Otherwise, you might assume the worst. And rightly so. That was brutal.

The photos of that ride tell a story and a half. That is one long ass trek in the middle of nowhere.

Remember Kirsten Gum from the Tour coverage on OLN? I pretty much wanted to hit her in the head with a brick when she said Petacchi "just quit". Ahem. That guy is a card carrying bad ass. Anyway, check this out.

Well, well. We all make mistakes don't we Kirsten?

And, I might add, while I was going google search after google search for sites with OLN Tour coverage, Kirsten Gum, or drunk idiot stories I have come to the conclusion that most, if not damn near all, of the bicycle related websites out there suck donkey dick.

Correction: They suck a mile of donkey dick.

I just had the horrible misfortune to peruse at least twenty of the dumbest, most unimaginative, ugly, lame, cookie cutter, fucking stupid websites I have ever seen in my life. The common thread? They are all cycling sites.

You people aren't cycling enthusiasts, you're a bunch of pussies.

Good work guys. You all can kiss my ass.

Check out the future of Arizona cycling. These guys aren't pussies.

From: dmn Subject: long over due Here's the pics I told you I was gonna send you a long ass time ago. Man that was a good night.

All young guns. All of 'em. Damn, they just make me proud. Sniff. I love you guys.

Aight. I'm better now. Time to fuck with Wal Mart.

From: Vance Subject: A good recommendation BJ, After following your Wal-Mart campaign weeks back, I was happy to see that there are others who understand the impact big corporations have on local economies. I don't know (I'm guessing it is since you've mentioned him a couple of times) if you read Jim Hightower's new book (Thieves in High Places) but his chapter on Wal-mart and it's impact is the best overview of their impact I've seen. You just can't be pro-Wally World after reading all the negative things done in the name of boosting the bottom line. The first word that comes to mind… THEIVES. I firmly believe if people understood the implications of where their $ goes after it's spent, they'd shop differently. My saving 0.05 isn't worth someone else living on 15,000 / year. I understand some don't have that luxury, but the ones who HAVE to shop at Wal-Mart are the very ones that are getting screwed the hardest (since they probably will or do work there)… Ain't irony great. Money spent at locally owned businesses STAYS in the local economy… which means lower taxes, better involvement in the community and support for local projects…. As in our local bike races. Now get back to rockin the porn!

I'm all about Hightower. Check out his daily updates at his site is you need a little taste. He's the real deal.

From: Matt Subject: wal mart (war mart) http://www.walmartwatch.com/locator/locator.cfm?subsection_id=106 seems that wal mart is invading the west very scary

And the rest of wal mart watch is not to be missed. Some good stuff in there.

From: Ox Subject: hey pussy i was out at mcdowell drinking beer with uncle fester, rick, and the missing link guys on saturday night. heard you bailed early. im not sure anyone who voluntarily abandons 10 kegs of beer in the middle of the desert can honestly refer to himself as a drunk cyclist. how can you live with yourself? will see ya around man. www.greaserspalace.net

Yeah, we (I) bailed. We had to make the call. Remember we had been out in that parking lot since Friday night. As the sun set, we took an inventory of the situation and realized that if we didn't leave immediately, like, right now, we were going to have to sleep in the parking lot again 'cause we'll be way to bombed to drive.

So, we bailed for showers (oh sweet shower) and indoor sleeping arraignments.

I did get up at 6:30 in the morning and ride for 4 1/2 hours on Sunday, if that makes up for our (my) behavior in any small way.

If not, screw it.

One more and I'm out.

I'll just throw this last email in there for the fuck of it. Kelly wrote me this one a while back, and I never really knew when to post it. Well, I'm just gonna post it now.

From: King Kelly Subject: Military Consulting Big Jonny, You really need my services. There are a lot of truly confused people out there saying a lot of things that are pasted together from misapplied information. 1. With regard to George W. Bush being AWOL or a deserter in the National Guard. Can't happen. Not possible. AWOL is Absent Without Leave. Applies to active duty, where you are always expected to be there except when on leave. National Guard and reserves are not on active duty and, believe it or not, the Universal Code Of Military Justice (UCMJ) doesn't apply to Reserves and National Guard even on the weekend drills. Can't be a deserter either. He may very well of not shown up to his new unit of assignment. I haven't really looked into it. It really makes me think there isn't much there when the people supposedly researching it clearly don't know the rules they are expecting me to trust their knowledge on. It is shockingly common (to me) in the reserves and national guard to just stop showing up for drill weekends. No punishment. The only exception I have ever heard of is the Marine Reserves. My friend's local Marine Reserve unit calls the reservist to active duty for 45 days as punishment. The 45 days duty is not pleasant, but there is no record of punishment in the Marine's permanent record. They can't punish them unless they so something on active duty. 2. Gays in the military. I love this one. Sadly, this one is a bit more involved. Most people suggesting that gays should serve in the military have never served themselves. This is not because basic training shots include a few CCs of homophobia. Military life involves living together in close quarters. Showering together. No privacy. None. When women were introduced into the military they made separate living arrangements for the women. Separate places to sleep. Separate showers. It is a pretty good idea given the social norms in American culture. If males and females showered together you'd have all the horny guys trying to time their showers with the hot chick with the great knockers. Not exactly the environment you'd want to send your daughter to. SIDENOTE: I've told people that have never served about the issue of showers and the usual response is "yeah, but the bay showers end with basic training". Wrongo Keebler. I've been in close to 20 years and have never had anything but bay showers. They Army is cheap and single stall showers are more expensive than a bunch of nozzles in the middle of a bay. This brings us to gays in the military. What precisely do you do with them? The sexual attraction issue is the exact same as males and females showering together. If they can shower with me, why can't I shower with the females? I have heard people say "let them all live in a separate gay barracks". Don't think so. If they can be sexually attracted to each other and act responsibly, so can all the straight people. Either have all sexes and sexual orientations live and shower together, or keep the sexes separated at key moments and keep the homosexuals out of the military. If I have to shower with the gay guys, I want to be showering with the chick with the nice tits. It is only fair.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

I've been very, very bad   I   scary big implants   I   lesbians rule

Before Christmas I walked away from my bike shop job for an office gig. The thought of sitting down and not having people yell at me was far too appealing to ignore. So, here I am, jonny the office guy.

Beats the old Salt Mine. Even thought we did have some good times down there, didn't we boys? Oh, we did 'em proud.

I was at Pay and Take last night, and sitting around were no less than six alumni. Angry Hippie, Nic the Dick, Big Gay Randy, Gnome, Gitty and myself. The fun part was how many of us actually got fired from that place. The rehired. And, in some cases, fired again. I myself am a three time loser.

I just couldn't stay away it seems.

More fun and games from South of the Border.

From: Pistol Pete Subject: Re:_¡peyote! Don´t worry about nothin´ bad comin' from my way, those doods owe us for gettin' rid of some seriously bad wimmins. Bad in a good way too. Ol' Response is still down Michoacan way ridin' the shit outta his cruiser and divin' for lobster everyday. BTW, he was almost arrested as a revolutionary (no B.S.) down in Paracho. Seems a man can't even buy a fuckin' guitar without findin' someone to lay a guilt trip on him. I'm on my way North as we speak so I'll be in the Ol' Pueblo soon. Gonna ride the fixie and git some training in down Whiteriver way. Freezin' with the Apaches.. ¡ Late!

Ah shit.

A couple of people were kind enough to inform me where I could find the results posted from this weekends racing. Call me dumbass, but I've got 'em now.

Check it out over at dcb adventures.

I couldn't find any pictures of Vlade or myself (yeah, I'm that vain) but I did find some of Big M and Jess. You go girls.

It' kind of a pain in the ass, but if you to here and punch in #1144 and 1145 you'll see the girls in all their glory. They've got that webpage set up all screwy so you can't link directly to a certain image. I don't know why they bother. If people could link to the images when they're trying to sell them, well, people might buy more.

So two of the four racing for drunkcyclist.com got pics snapped. It just happened to be two cute girls and not me and Vlade's ugly asses. Simple coincidence. I'm sure.

Today, a special treat. Email with pics.

You can thank me later.

From: the anton guy Subject: wheel building on kilimanjaro this is how you build a strong wheel. took this in tanzania not too long ago.

That outta go the trick, don't ya think?

My bike could use a little of that type of maintenance after this weekend. My bike is straight fucked. And I haven't done anything to it other than bring it in off the car since I got back. She's leaning up against the wall, where she'll stay until I get around to fixing her.

Ain't I just a bitch?

From: Tall Paul Subject: Paris What's the difference between Paris, France and Paris, Texas . . . ?

Monday, January 12, 2004

sexy sportswoman   I   kendra   I   erica campbell

Old news already, but I'll link it up just in case anyone hasn't already seen it. Woman attacked by a bad ass kitty out near Santa Ana.

How's this sound for scary: "A group of men pummeled the beast with rocks, finally forcing it to flee without its prey."

Not fun.

While out riding in Phoenix this Sunday, I found an army man. Yep, a little plastic buddy to keep me company on those long, lonely rides. Sure, he's no pocket pussy but he'll do in a pinch.

A few miles later, Jackass found a cool winter hat. I tried to trade him my army man instantly. But, he said no way with no hesitation.

I offered to sweeten up the deal with a baseball bat we had already passed up. Who wouldn't want a baseball bat on a long, lonely ride? You could talk to it, balance it on your helmet, and hit things with it. Talk about fun.

It would come in handy if you were to be attacked by a mountain lion. And I'm the guy that has so worry about shit like that. I'm the slow fat one, the one they cats always drag down out of the herd. Nature is so wicked.

He said, only if you throw in the Finding Nemo splash pool we rode by up on the Warner Road I-10 overpass. And, you have to carry both on your bike. Carry 'em both on my bike? Man, that's a lot of things to carry. Might make the army man jealous. Excluding the car pretty much tanked the deal. It's Ok, I'm fine with my army man.

I also found a tennis ball for the poochy. She likes her tennis balls. Chase, chew, and repeat. Fucking crazy dog.

From: Steven Subject: porn… Hey Mr. Softy...here is some porn for ya while you bitch about it being cold. You would figure a guy from Philly would be at least used to a little cold. Shit, it was so cold outside on Saturday that my freehub froze on my racelite wheelset, but did I bitch, hell ya, but about the cold, no way...did it stop me from riding again on sunday, nope, I just used shimmano wheels instead...anyway, go look at the girls... girlbeauties.net

Yeah, yeah, I hate the cold. So sue me. And thanks for the kick ass porn link. Check out the galleries, but beware of the offsite links. They're all about the popup.

Death to pop ups.

My fav so far? Erika.

Smooth like butter, baby.

A good article about an issue I wish would just go away. Reagan the dime. Jesus Christ, what's next from these guys? Rename the White House the George Bush Memorial Coliseum?

I'm beginning to notice a trend in the emails.

From: JIM Subject: yer a good guy, but buck up. It doesn't get cold in anywhere in Arizona. Ever. A pic of me after my 4-mile ride home from work on Tuesday: planetjim.textamerica.com/?r=224036 The weather gets cold here in Minnesnorta, but we don't. We laugh at you and how easy it is for you to stay in shape while we get windburned and fat in the wintertime.

Damn. The ice man cometh. Yep, I still hate cold. Cold bad. Warm good. It's simple and it works for me. 'Cause I am a simpleton.

From: mike Subject: tears read this shit, it puts tears in your fukking eyes ... thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.html

Ugh.

And I guess this is a new atm machine or some shit. Looks like fun to me.

I was hoping the results from this weekends race would be up online somewhere by now, but I can't seem to find them anywhere. Ho hum, guess I should have taken a few notes, eh? Then I could just tell ya'll what happened.

Next time, bring a notepad.

I raced Singlespeed. There was, I think, about twenty of us. We went for, I think, 26 miles. I took me about 1:45. I got seventh.

Not bad really. I'm happy with it.

The race started on a couple hundred yards of pavement, slightly downhill. We all spun out our gears immediately. Picture seven people tucked up so hard all you could see was their asses, and that's exactly what was in front of me into the first corner. Seven heart shaped asses. Thought I was in a strip club for a minute.

I know there was seven because I only saw one of them again. The rest were gone baby, gone. The course was in great shape, and I really had a blast. I beat the living shit out of my bike that day, that's for sure. Damn near everything came loose by the time it was all over.

Fucking bike, she deserved it.

No mechanicals, no worries. Didn't drop any bottles, didn't crash. And didn't crack.

I was pleased to see how long I could maintain the stupid hard, eyeballs out efforts after by ass beating at the Shootout a week earlier. And, I'm officially over the flu.

Fucking flu.

The guys from Missing Link had ten kegs afterwards. Ten. That's a lot of friggin beer. They set the early standard with that. The bar is high for the rest of the races. Made my 30 pack of Coors look like a fucking joke.

From: t.j. Subject: check out this stupid video this is a good one.. there are a couple on here, not sure if you have seen it.. StupidVideos.com/?VideoID=603

I think I've linked that first one already, but there is a ton of other videos at that site to watch. Too bad they're so small. Bandwidth is a bitch, ain't' it?

Sunday, January 11, 2004

jenna jameson   I   sunny   I   veronica zemanova

I just drove my ass off to make it back in time to catch the rest of the Eagles game. I was listening to it on AM radio in the car, and when I got home I just kept listening. This is turning out to be a damn good game.

The Eagles are about to attempt a field goal for the win. I'm going out of my fucking mind. I've gotta start typing or some shit before I explode.

David Akers is either a hero in about a minute. It's either the keys to the city, or the fans tear him limb from limb. Not a lot of middle ground when you're talking about big games, overtime and field goal kicks.

They're playing to Rocky theme in the staduim for fucks sake.

I can't stand it. This is killing me.

The snap, the kick… it's good! It's good! It's good!

Son of a bitch, they won!

I couldn't be more stoked.

Ok, on to some mail. I really should mention the mbaa race this weekend, but, I'm toast. I'm pounding this out, and then I'm going to sleep for ten hours. I'll talk about the race tomorrow.

From: crusty Subject: dang Talk about injustice! Check out this article. It's a bit long but worth a read. I don't know what's hurting the sport more the doping or the attempted cover up.................opps I mean clean up. bike.com/template.asp?date=1%2F7%2F2004

It does kind of make you wonder, doesn't it?

Ah, maybe one more.

From: Subject: Well, We finally ditched those two scheming harlots and I hate to say it but good fucking riddance. Left'm in the state capitol while supposedly going for more booze and rubbers. If anyone calls looking for payment or info tell'm you don't know us. We arrived in my old hideout last night and there was a spontaneous bandido pachanga. Everyone was glad to see we made it unharmed and apparently unaffected by Bushes war on humanity. That misguided fool is not too popular in this part of Mexico. Of course in the circles I run in no cop, lawyer, president or other undesirable is too well thought of. Fuckin' fucks. Ol' Response made friends right away and did more Peyote that I thought humanly possible. He's on the beach right now, says he's got cactus spines stuck in his brain. He sends his love. Anyway, I ain't comin' back that way till the weather shows some sign of cooperating. Down here today it's about 85 and sunny. I just rode 20 kilometers into a town with the slowest internet connection on Earth. Life is good, Yours in Depravity, Pistol Pete

Glad to see the boys are "keeping it real", so to speak. Sun in the fun. Wine, women and song. What a life. Who wouldn't trade places with them boys in a minute?

I wonder if they'll ever make it back to civilization? Maybe civilization is overrated?

Whatever.

And, you know I did get contacted by some new friends the boys met down South of the Border. Looking for me to cover some debt. Looking in vain, I might add. What do I look like, a fucking cash machine?

I'm broke as fuck. And, I just don't give a fuck.

From: Primo Huisapol Subject: dear big yonny We met your friends Peestola Pete and Reponse. They indroduce us to your web site. They explain to us the Big Yonny means Big Salchicha Party ( you likes the deek). In addition we feel that the Garden Gnome must be some kind of Duene (garden spirit or maybe a Chupa Cabre) We like the chi chis and the panochas muchos! WE will send pictures of our crew riding single speed with no breaks or mountain bikes with bad cables shortly. We rode bikes with these focking guys for a few days and they put a grande dent in our mescal reserves. Demons my friend agents of satan. Also response set one of our boys on fire trying to cook a mosquito with the aresol can of wasp spray. It seems that the more time that we spend with these men, the more damage we encounter. My friend, we are now looking for our wives and seeking reembursment for damages. Peestola Pete assurred us in confidence that you will send a money order to us along with some tshirts, without delay. WE appreciate your understanding.

Friday, January 9, 2004

titty scans   I   britney   I   redhead

There won't be any updates this weekend as I'm heading south for some fun in the sun. Not fun in the sun south like white sandy beaches, but fun in the sun south like my big white ass riding around in circles out in the desert.

Oh yes, the mountain bike season is upon us. And, if you are anything like me, you are woefully unprepared for what is about to happen. Training? Yeah right, won't make shit difference. I'm about to die.

It's a good thing mountain bike racing and the wanton consumption of alcohol go hand in hand. Otherwise, I'd be in real trouble.

Here at drunkcyclist racing, it's all about my name is Otto I love to get blotto.

From: Sadcow Subject: care to let the good people of the world know: This Sunday marks the final day of EARLY registration for the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo. After February 11th the registration fee increases to a whopping $85/person.

Ok, they know.

The 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo might just be the most fun filled event you do this year. I'm serious. It rules.

The Gnome and I are both doing it solo this year, and I think we'll see old Vlade out there as well. Damn impaler, always sticking things.

Anyway, after we work this solo shit out of our systems, next years it's all about the party team. I'm talking 5 person coed and a keg. Or, maybe the "corporate" ten person squad and a full bar.

Either way, it's going to be a whole lot less thinking and a whole lot more drinking.

Just like my man Big Pun would have it.

Anyone else like traveling as much as this guy? Go get 'em Dave Evil. Check out his rant from December 22nd. Maybe God does ride a Surly.

From: Steve from New Hampshire Subject: Steffen Wesemann my ass Big Jonny- A debauched buddy of mine sent me a link to drunkcyclist a few months ago and I've been regularly wasting valuable workplace time and resources on your fine commentary and library of even more fine links. Be that as it may, when you wrote about lining up with Steffen Wesemann at a local AZ race the various voices in my head converged in a firm harmonic of "bullshit, dude…" - after all, no one ever believes me when I tell them about how my friends and I tried like hell one day back in the early '80's to chase down Nelson Vails after he blew by us on a ride in northern New Hampshire ( no really, man, it's true). Funny thing that we never did catch him.. . Alas my chagrin to read "Thursday's Euro-file at the venerable VeloNews: velonews.com/race/int/articles/5415.0.html. It appears, ahem, that Steffen has indeed been in Arizona over the last week or so. And I can only imagine how strong the hard man was riding as he "has his eyes set on winning one of the spring classics." OK maybe I should just slither off and get a job with John Ashcroft an' his people.

Well, you've got me on one point. I did not see Steffen Wesemann at a race. I saw him on the Shootout, a weekly Saturday morning group ride down in Tucson. It's not really a race, I guess, because there is no entry fee, no officials, no actual end. You show up at 7:30, or whenever is happens to be starting that week. It gets earlier as it gets warmer and the sun comes up earlier.

It's pleasant enough for the first ten miles or so. Then the dial starts to get turned. The screw is turned, the cats in the henhouse. You get the idea. All hell breaks loose, and suddenly there aren't as many riders around you anymore.

Just as suddenly, you become a stone in a river with riders streaming around you on all sides it seems. You crack, blow up, sit up, throw up and limp home.

Good times.

Having a tank head like Wesemann riding a 14 pound Giant full on race bike while the cheap bastard sect is rollin' out system wheels and other heavy ass shit. Well, that just made it that much harder. He's pulling like hell, and all the local big dicks want to give him what for.

And then there is little old me.

Little as in talent, big as in ass.

I'll tell you this much, that big bastard had better with Roubaix this year for the beating he gave me.

Thursday, January 8, 2004

jana cova   I   nikki nova   I   alyssa

Ain't this just a pain in the ass? From an article on bbc.com, "consumption by the wealthy elites, and increasingly among the middle class as well, has gone beyond satisfying needs to become an end in its own right."

"The report says consumption is not in itself bad. But it says: "Higher levels of obesity and personal debt, chronic time shortages, and a degraded environment are all signs that excessive consumption is diminishing the quality of life for many people."

I feel good, how about you?

One quick attempt at making contact, hey Stephen from Palatine, Illinios. Hit me off with an email. I need to talk with ya.

Here's what Horbait Montana had to say about fitness. He should know something about getting training, he was one tough son of a bitch in his day. Even though he spells his name two different ways in his emails. Is it Horbait, or Whorebait? I'll go with Horbait. Just looks better don't it?

From: Subject: You are one of many victims of bullshit and salesmanship. Eating and riding. Classic bullshit and misinformation. It mostly all boils down to a couple of things. Calories in must equal calories out to stay the same. Less calories means weight loss. The key is how you loose them. Where the calories come from is not all that important as long as you take your vitamins and eat more or less OK. I used to hear about all the idiots riding 100 miles on one bottle but I never actually met one. I though maybe it's because I live in really hot weather compared to Europe so I need more liquids, nope, that's not it. I really do need more water. Hmmmmm. Makes you think a bit. Maybe the BS is just that. Maybe common sense works. Maybe heart rate is meaningless. ("Heart rate does not correlate reliably to effort" - Extremely competent expert in the Exercise Physiology world) Maybe everything I read is really written by hired "experts" to sell me something I don't need. You eat what you need on a ride. You drink more. If you want to loose weight you learn to go into the "Ketone-Zone" where you start to consume fat from your body. You can smell it on your breath, like kerosene. It happens minutes before you hit the Bonk wall but most people never notice, and if you don't feed your machine the minute it knocks on the door you dive deep deep down into the hellacious dreaded Bonk you have become so familiar with. If you learn to feed the body just enough when it raises its head, you can get by with a little dial-it-back and eat. After a few minutes you recover and go on your merry way like nothing happened. Every time you do it your body gets better at adjusting and adapting and eating itself. After a few weeks you can stretch the time period out and your body learns to eat itself more efficiently. It's a weird almost hallucinogenic mind/body state you get into and it's hard to recognize at first, but if you think back, you've been riding long enough to know it well, almost like an old friend. If you feed it wrong it attacks you and rips your kitchen apart and drinks all your beer, rapes your pets and you and leaves you on the ground wanting to eat the dirt and grass on the side of the road. Feed it right and it settles down in the parlor for a while and doesn't make a lot of noise. So, when your friend knocks on the door, you feed it. Ahh, but you must feed it correctly. Timing and content are everything. Miss your window and you are screwed. Sugar will stave it off for a while but it will return with a greater vengeance. This is OK if you are at the end of the ride and the sugar will get you home to collapse into a large chair without the energy to pick you nose or wipe your butt, in fact, this is a good thing. But if you are on a ride you have to feed it cookies and protein. Very little sugar. Ham and cheese sandwich good, Twinkies bad. Dial back the effort until things are feeling more on this dimension, then you are getting your system trained. I used to do 100+ mile rides with a bread/proscuitto/swiss cheese sandwich and a couple of bananas which I ate in the first 50 miles. If I had nothing to do after the ride, with 50k to go I'd tank up on 3 or 4 cokes for the sugar and caffeine and hit the showers feeling the monster coming on like a landslide and smelling it on my breath. Then I'd settle into a nice bonk-induced state at home for about an hour, content that fat was getting consumed and I had the best cheap high anyone could ever get and I didn't have to drop a half-slice of windowpane to get there. If I timed it right I'd get all tingly and start seeing weird things before I got out of the shower. When I felt better about an hour later I'd tank up on solid food like a burrito or a bowl of soup and meat with a beer just to keep the buzz on a bit longer. Train the animal to take the fat it needs from the body. This is of course all top secret and no cycling sport hack will endorse it. If you talk to the TOP people in the world of exercise physiology they will agree completely. I have. Unfortunately it doesn't help to sell any products so no one will publish this type of information. Mention "Brooks and Fahey" to charlatans in the exercise world and they either run hiding or don't know who they are which means they bought their degree at the corner store. It's never torture. It was always fun. I really miss that aspect, the long rides day after day. I'd do 2 weeks of back to back rides in January more than 100 miles per day, rain or shine. Some days 140+ mile hammer sessions with the last 50 miles at max output. Days before that session were 60+ miles of rolling hills on the fixed in a 63 inch gear a few days a week. Heart rate monitors are for idiots and fools. They are useless. The only reason they work at all is they introduce structure into most peoples lives for the first time. They are for the weak. The strong do not need them. Perceived Exertion (PE) is the only term that matters. You have to listen to your body in every way imaginable. You have to provide your own structure and your own schedule. If rides with others work into your schedule, great. If not, you have to do your own program. If you are a slave to others regimens and schedules you are not training, just riding. Whorebait (Long story behind that nickname involving racing, mexico, and hookers)

Wednesday, January 7, 2004

krystal steal   I   patricia ford   I   aria giovanni

They call it hump day for a reason don't they. Get past this and it's all downhill to the weekend.

Ahem to that my brother.

I get in two hours on the mountain bike today, so like ain't all bad. Shit was fun, I'll tell you that much.

I think I'm starting to like this mountain bike thing. Maybe I'll do more it if.

Could happen.

From: Jim Subject: get laid Hey, thought this was fun: Google search "get laid" and try I'm feeling lucky.

Works for me. And so does this.

From: Finch Subject: Two in the pink… ...one in the stink. Enjoy! rotten.com/library/language/the-finger/shocker/

Ah, brings back memories to my high school days. Me and a bunch of the fucking losers in my class got called into the office one by one to "explain" why we were giving the bird in our senior group picture.

They ended up having to use magic markers to block out all the birds on the pic. It was such a mess. I'm sure I spend a couple of hours after school for that stunt.

Kinda wish I had one of those pics now. I'd frame the fucker.

At the time I was like, fuck it. There was no way I was giving that school one thin dime.

I guess I could have just stole one and be done with it.

Ah, the benefit of hindsight. Everything seems so clear to me now.

One more thing. I fucking hate registering for races online. Sure, it's quick and easy for some people. But not for me.

Oh no, not me. You see, Jesus hates me.

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

ello sweety   I   chrissy   I   shit fire

Tired. That would be the theme of this week. Spent. Burnt up. Kaput.

Amazing what a couple weeks on the road and a nice bout of the flu will do to you.

Its just now getting over ten degrees outside, according to my nifty 5 dollar thermometer perched just outside my kitchen window. It's just after eight in the morning. Just finished the second half of the '93 Tour on the rollers.

At least I'm riding.

I know everyone thinks I'm a totally wuss, but I ain't riding in the dark when it's 5 degrees. I'll leave that type of stuff to much harder men than I.

You can find me in front of my 27 inch Magnavox spinning away to the sweet sounds of Phil Leggitt calling the play.

"The fox is in the hen house now."

Yes, Phil, it is. Freshen' up that gin and tonic, old boy?

Is this girl a fuck pig or what? Jesus Christ, she scares me. Now that is a heavy weight.

She'd probably step on my pinky toe.

While I was getting a ride back from work, in a car, a nice warm car, we passed the Gnome, Debo and Grant. They were riding bikes. I was not.

As we went by, I rolled down the window and offered the Gnome a water bottle, telling him, "looking good, you're still in it" and other assorted drivel.

He told me to, "Get out of the car!"

He looks ready for this weekend mountain bike race.

Whereas I do not.

No big surprise there, folks. Some of us are fast, and some of us are not. And by "us" I mean "me". Just in case there was any confusion.

I have it on good authority that this is, "The kind of girl to take home to your mother..." Maybe not my mother, but who knows. Stranger things can happen.

I'll tell you this much, it sure doesn't look like hanging out with her would ever be boring. You could always just burn things together.

And who wouldn't enjoy that in the dead of winter.

Well, look, its babes against bush.

Laura from Holland send this. Just 'cause she can I suppose.

And why not?

On to the email.

From: Heff Subject: scares the hell out of you? you great wuss you. I warn you man, here's some shit you might not want to read: I'm 21 now. the first time I ended up fisting someone I was just turned 17. It's a lot easier than you think. It's only for people who think sugar rushes are funny. the temptation to do glove puppet impressions is overwhelming, especially if you've been drinking and watching old MTV stuff late at night. anyway, cabs here.

Whoo daddy. I'm speechless. Fist on, my brother, fist on.

He was referring to this, by the way. In case you were wondering.

I'm so backlogged on email, I'm just now digging this one up tonight. It's been weeks. Fuck.

From: Tall Todd Subject: SS Cross Jonny, Give a shout out to Jon Hansen... California boy now in DC who just won the single speed event at Cross Nationals. I know he's reading your site. You can see more at cyclingnews.com/cross/2003/dec03/UScrossnats03/?id=singspeed from the article... The event was not a National Championship race, so no gold medal, but Hansen won a bottle of Chardonnay and a six pack of Mactarnahan's Amber Ale. "I'm sure I'm going to be wasted after drinking all this," he said.

Who am I do question the request of Tall Todd, one of the finest gentlemen I've ever met and a damn fine punk rock bass player. (yeah, I'm trying to sweeten him up for some ass stabbing)

Hansen, you are a fucking bad ass. I hope them beers went down well. You deserved them.

I need a single speed cross team of my own.

Maybe I should just stick to the local shit first and see what happens, eh?

More cross email about the same event. So, it's just as old. I suck it.

From: Dave M. Subject: report from Portland Oh me brother and only friend, The Oregon Cross Crusade guys threw down the gauntlet on bike race spectating. The course was very tough and the weather nasty - the racing was so hard it reminded me of some battle on the Scottish Highlands by men clad in animal skins with blue-painted faces. The participation in all the races was really huge - the elite mens race had over 150 starters. To me the sport of cyclocross is a surrogate for war, and expression of our European heritage to suffer and drink while watching others suffer. And its not just the men who fight: the women's races were as fierce as could be. The race course area is host to some very large Canadian Goose flocks who left us fresh reminders of their presence. In the first few days of skirmish, the track was chewed into bits by the lesser riders, such as myself, who ground the copious goose droppings well into the mud. With several nights of hard rain, on Sunday the elite racers had an excellent dark stew in which to grind out their battles. Every racer was fully dipped in doo by the first lap, and by the end only eye sockets showed on some of the faces. The whole four days was well sponsored by MacTarnahan's brewery. Cross Crusade parties on Friday and Saturday night kept everyone in the spirit of the event. Although I was feeling a bit overhung Sunday morning, the madness revived my devotion to the barley. Beer flowed like urine, the marching band drum section at the bottom of the climb beat out a war chant, and the crowds cheered like crazed maniacs. I'm still hoarse from cheering for the Santa Cruz homies who gave their all. And a speedy recovery to Jeff Caton, from Napa Velo, who took 30 stitches in his face from sustaining a fall while near the front in the men's 35 race. Long live beer, bikes, and blood!

Monday, January 5, 2004

alley   I   What the hell   I   lesbians rule

Yee haa, another morning on the rollers waiting for the sun to come up. It could be worse. I could be dead.

Someday I'll have a proper office. One with a nice chair. Maybe one that rolls around a bit. I spend enough time on my ass in front of these fucking computers (yeah, there are two) you'd think I could benefit from something decent.

Yeah, I'll buy one of those right after I figure out how to cover rent and eat.

Call me crazy.

From: Carl Subject: Abysmal Free-speech zones? What country is this? sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/01/04/

Well, of course they keep all the riff raff marginalized to the sidelines. How else can Faux News show it's "fair and balanced" reporting of the President waving to thousands of enthusiastic supporters?

From: Wonder Weasel Subject: Laugh at my lame ass Yeah I suck... read all about it fearlessgearless.com/Blog/C634440792/E1877830974/index.html Academia has something definitely left to be desired. But the cute girls make it all worth while

Fuck dude, you're preaching to the choir. I came back from three weeks of fucking off to a bank account overdrawn to the tune of 44 bucks. I don't have a pot to piss in. But, I've got a bottle of wine and a Fatboy Slim cd.

Things could be far worse.

And they probably soon will be.

From: MF Subject: How to rebuild Iraq Greetings from Bloomington, home of the Kid and other Flag cyclists. Since my computater has finally allowed me to view your site again I was doing some catching up. I came across a 12/5 post where you posted an email from a 'Pubbie and then came back with your own "Well what do we do about Iraq?" sort of question. Here's an answer: maddox.xmission.com/penny_drop.html

Hell, sounds as good as anything else, don't it?

That damn Maddox. He thinks of everything.

Sunday, January 4, 2004

amber   I   danni ashe   I   killer red head

Home. Food turning south in the fridge. Bills, six of 'em. Bastards. Didn't I just spend enough fucking money in the last two weeks. Two late Christmas cards and a postcard from my man Steve.

Oh, one of those Christmas cards was sent to the wrong address. Looks like I'll either be stuffing that one back on the box with "return to sender" on it, or rifling it for checks.

Karma be damned.

One big difference between here in Arizona and way up north when it snows is today the sun is shining. Sure, it was 18 degrees this morning and there was ice on the inside of my windows, but now the snow is melting off the streets. And I couldn't be happier about it. I hate snow.

Ok, I don't hate it. I just don't seem to enjoy it very much. Like at all.

People keep telling me that if I "don't like the snow, you shouldn't live in Flagstaff."

Yeah, yeah. I know snow is good, it's going to happen and all that. Hey, I know the forest needs to burn every once in a while but you don't see me doing back flips when that happens do you?

Matt sent this link to pictures of a young, attractive, barely clothed, female cyclist. Ok, forget the cyclist part. The rest is true. You can find more of the same here, just not so much with the bike part. Just young, attractive and barely clothed.

From: Grant C. Subject: Hey BJ, you bastard… Need a little help. Some Santa Barbara advocates are trying to get a velodrome built and have everything in place, except for public support. Wouldja mind posting this sucker on your site so that we up the needed signature level to the 2000 that is the goal? petitiononline.com/mod_perl/signed.cgi?CCVM1

Right on.

Bike are good.

So, anyone else not at all ready for the first mountain bike race of the year next Saturday? Who's with me?

Fuck it. I've got an honest to goodness drunkcyclist team going for the state series this year. How you like them apples? MBAA has never been so fun. I'm pretty excited about it. There had been a whole lotta shuffling going on with the folks that run that fine organization. This promises to be a very good year for Arizona mountain biking.

We've got some new venues, a one day format, and a festival atmosphere. I'm definitely feeling it.

I'll be out at McDowell this Saturday, so stop by after I finish flogging myself in the single speed race. I'm planning on bringing a keg of lager, and you know how we get down.

Yeah. It's going to be fun.

This sucks, so how 'bout some reader mail? Always rounds the night out nicely after a bowl of mac and cheese in front of yet another viewing of the '95 Tour.

From: Stephen Subject: Wal-Mart strikes again Okay, so I can deal with those fuckers not selling the morning after pill. And I can deal with Walton's henchmen making sure that organized labor stays far away from his stores. And the fact that Main Streets in faraway places like Bozeman, Montana are all but extinct due to the arrival of their big box store is what it is. But now they're selling a low-rent Segway, pushing America down the path of uncool. And that's just unethical. walmart.com/catalog/catalog.gsp?cat=126635#7

Yeah, hard to like the Segway. Can't really say I'll feel bad the first time I knock someone off one of those.

From: Finch Subject: MMM, tasty! You'll love this. And check out the last pic of Robbie :~P houstonpress.com/issues/2003-12-11/feature.html/print.html

Woo boy, that girl's face would make a train turn down a dirt road.

And then something about cute girls to balance it out.

From: Tim Subject: Scientist prove what we already know Pretty women scramble men's ability to assess the future newscientist.com/news/news.jsp?id=ns99994469

Pretty girls make you do dumb things? Nah. Can't be true.

Who wants an ass kicking?

Saturday, January 3, 2004

mason   I   veronica zemanova   I   nikki nova

How about that, it's a brand new year. Seems kinda that same to me, eh?

Good to be home. Back in warm, sunny, Arizona. Who am I kidding? It's snowing in Flagstaff. I just had to dig out the front walk and fire up the woodstove.

I was in Tucson this morning for the shootout. I rolled down with Justin to University for the ride and who rolls up? Steffen Wesemann.

The guy who got second in Paris Roubaix in 2002. He was there. On a 14 pound bike. Nice.

I'm running a pile of shit. I've got Specialized Armadillo tires 'cause I'm sick of changing flats. He's got Reynolds wheels. I am so in trouble. Fast group of really strong people is not the company to keep when you just got over the two week flu.

Needless to say, I got dropped like a bad habit.

Fuck it.

I've just spent the last week of my life in Del Rio, Texas. Where the hell is Del Rio, Texas you ask?

My point exactly. The middle of fucking nowhere. Or, the side of nowhere. It's a border town, so I guess it's not the middle of anything really.

'Cept maybe Bum Fuck Egypt. It can be the dead center of that.

I'm fine with it.

I've got a race in a week, two more beers in the fridge. Mail up to my fucking ass and email coming out of it. A pipe froze in my rental while I was out of town. My car didn't take the 2,300 mile trip to well. My bike fucking sucks. My fitness blows. Jesus hates me.

What else is new, right?