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Thank God it's Friday.
Some weeks it means a whole lot more than others. This week, it simply means everything.
May. Time to start thinking about Leadville.
I am so going to die.
Well, I'm out of here. One hell of an update, eh? Places to go, people to see. All that usual shit.
And I think tomorrow is the one year anniversary since "mission accomplished". Yeah, that'll be a fun one.
How many more years till it really is "mission accomplished"?
I guess you can go check this out.
I hear Yardsale himself will be down in Phoenix. I'll have to try and make it down for a little fun. Case Flakerman was down that way a month ago, and I missed him not knowing exactly when he was going to be around. Maybe I should actually try reading the emails people send me?
But when the likes of this shows up in your inbox, good fucking luck making sense of it.
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From: Yardsale
Subject: hey hamhawk 666 666 666
big guy with the thunder tighs great work out...try this.. meeting yardsale or nightpirate or whatever the fuck you want to call me in phx this weekend....it will change the way you masterbate for good . ill be with a chick with leaky tits hows that for fun????/ went to see peaches tonight ,thats a whole other story .... ill be in the west for a few heavy drinking days then i may not remember what happened for most of them.....but bring the ham out of the mountains for a good old drunk fisting your friend and fellow fuck tard jef
pedalphile
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Yeah. Clear as fucking day, ain't it?
No idea when he gets here, where he's staying or when he's leaving. Ah fuck it. Maybe Nic knows something. Just flow with it baby. The reed which does not bend in the wind will break.
And the nail that stands up gets hammered down, so what'd that get me?
How does ESPN rate cycling against other sports in terms of toughness? How about tied for twentieth with volleyball. I guess that explains why they don't offer much in the way of coverage on that little sports show thing they do.
Volleyball?
Fuck you.
And no offense meant to the many fine volleyball players that frequent the site. I appreciate the support. And topless photos.
Never mind that last part.
In other fine news, the Bush Administration has decided that "Hatchery salmon
to count as wildlife". Read it all here here.
Unreal. Simply unreal. Sorta like the abc song. But not really. More like funny oh no! And not funny ha ha!
And then you have the whole mercury thing.
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From: m
Subject: mercury
I'm serious ... this mercury shit is really, really serious .. because
of what an incredible ugly neurotoxin it is in child development.
csmonitor.com/2004/0429/p13s01-sten.html
and fukkin BushCo Inc. and that Howdy Dowdy puppet BushCo Inc put in
charge of the EPA, when the prior puppet (Whitman) showed the very
slightest hint of independence are without question EVIL for not
addressing this incredibly serious environmental disaster
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I'm trying to stay off the political tip. Everyone is calling me out for it. But, this next one…
Let's just say it got past the goalie.
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From: Mikey
Subject: Alternative presidential ticket 2004:
Yo Jonny--
It took a lot of time and effort, but I've finally sorted out the
2004 presidential ticket everyone can agree on: Hilton/Love (see
attached).
Think about it. Someone smashed on oxycotin and silver tequila is
unlikely to blow up oil-producing, middle eastern nations. And Paris
Hilton can't be any ditzier than that old Dick Cheney!
No need to thank me now; wait until November.
Ride on. Awoo n'shit.
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First Nader and now those two? Damn ticket splittin jackasses.
About that last link, there is a Nader reference in there somewhere. Trust me. It says, "If the election were held today, 46 percent of registered voters would vote for Mr. Kerry and 44 percent for Mr. Bush, the poll found. With Mr. Nader in the race, Mr. Bush would get 43 percent, Mr. Kerry 41 percent and Mr. Nader 5 percent, suggesting that nearly all of Mr. Nader's support comes from voters who would otherwise back the Democrat."
Now, ain't that just a kick in the teeth?
Word on the street is the Forest Service is to close the, well, forest, on June 1st. Ladies and Gentleman, pray for rain.
How'd ya like to be forced to the side of the trail while climbing by some guy barreling down at ya? Yeah, I don't like it either. Let's keep it safe out there people, and not make this the Summer of Trail Conflicts.
Maybe try reading this before you really piss me the fuck off.
Two mountain bike rides in two days for the fat man. Am I trying to set a record, or what?
I get a lot of bullshit email, but this one takes the cake. And I mean completely.
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From: Jay
Subject: Asshole, Tired of business that offer zero support? We are too
Asshole,
- How long have you looked for a legitimate business opportunity?
- Have you "tried" one before, or are you now?
- If so, what kind of SUPPORT did/do you get?
We do NOT work with "get $ quick" offers!
We have only legitimate business opportunities to show you. We will support you all along the way with our team's personal coaching, and automated systems. However, we can only help those
who want to succeed in their own business!
Tour our system without upfront costs.
Be Well,
Jay, Kevin, Carol, David H., & David J.
of Support Team |
Asshole? Man, that's the best one yet. If not ever.
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From: Jacob
Subject: What?
Man, What gives?
You take your sweet time posting anything and then you discount me minutes? You straight up suck. It was more like 6 minutes which would have been ten if my brain was working. And yea, nothing broke. Thank Kona for that. Yea, no shit I'm a dick. Any way, cut me some slack as I already have enough problems.
Oh, and so it was a kick ass course too. Probably the best I've ridden in an MBAA event in the 12 years that I've wanked around that scene. Regardless, it was tits-up. The pro-shifters had to romp for 40 miles and nearly 3 hours and those of use in the excuse class groveled for 30 miles or so and about 2:45 in time. Best part of the race? At the start, the single speeders rolled out at a conversational pace for the first 15 minutes or so. The game was on soon as the climbs arrived.
Cock.
d |
Jacob?
Man, who's email did you jack for that? You damn little cement bastard. Your name ain't Jacob.
And who know "tits up" was a good thing? I sure didn't. Anyway, it has got to be better than this. I mean, that's just ugly. That grill would make a train turn down a dirt road.
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From: Pete
Subject: POO ANYONE
This site is just plain nasty but I thought your readers would enjoy it.
ratemypoo.com
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I haven't checked out that site in a long, long time. And now, I remember why.
Now, this site on the other hand, had me laughing till I cried. Thanks to Chef Leon for the link.
And I'm serious about the crying part. I'm man enough to admit it.
I'm about ready to wrap this one up and hit it.
Well, I've seen worse. Today even. There is some scary shit out there people.
I didn't mention yet this week that the Gnome took home the win in last weekends MBAA race. Good looking out Gnomie.
I think he won by something like 4 minutes. Yikes.
Well, hot diggity dog, it's Wednesday. Tour of the Gila just started. Maybe someone close to you is in the pain cave?
Ho ho, I will never be doing that race. I'd rather jump off a bridge.
Although I would like to go and hang out. Silver City, New Mexico, is a cool little town. Good times will be had.
Are you down with Dowd?
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From: steve
Subject: did you get this email?
hey, i got your postcard. thanks..ill get you back,. but i gotta ask you, did you get the email i sent you about my windfall? i would of expected you to have a word about that. anyway in case you didnt, the long and the short of it was i got hit while riding home last friday, crushing my brand new rear campy track wheel, with high flanged hub, just like i like em. i was able to finally afford the wheels due to a recent painting sale id made. anyhow, im sitting on the curb, and the ladies kind of losing her shit, when at one point, she says " is there anyway we can settle this without involving the insurance company?" i tell her shell probably be shocked at how much bicycle stuff costs, and she said" oh, i know, i know.. do you think $1500.00 will cover it?" it was at that point, that id realized that there is justice in the world. $1500.00 ends up being about .0000002 cents for ever time ive been cut off, turned in front of, run off the road, gotten cigarettes flicked at me, had something thrown at me, had a door opened on me, etc. finally, some fucking vindication. so she gave me the check, i cashed it, and took some time to slap myself in the face with the big wad of cash, before i stuffed it in my mattress.
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That might be the best ending to an "I got hit by a car" email I've ever seen. God damn, you got some for all of us.
And, on a side note, I lost Steve's email somehow. Probably in one of my giant virus purging email efforts I deleted his as well. Sad, isn't it? I must miss a ton of stuff, it just drops through the cracks.
James sent in this link to a bike hottie. Too bad more of these aren't actual cyclists.
'Cause I'm down with cyclists.
More from Sea Otter.
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From: Joe
Subject: Sea Otter Report
hey jonny
its a few days late, but I'm still recovering from a four day bender down at the Sea Otter Classic. We had my bus down in the pits serving beers out the back door (we apparently must have pissed off people last year with our flagrant display of nonstop boozin from dawn to dusk in the front of the bus) and had Mark, our local brewer from Seabright Brewing seabrightbrewery.com who was racing and practicing every day showing up with fresh barrels in the morning.
Did some riding on the roadie favored course they have the audacity to call an MTB race, and watched some fast bastards and crazy jumpers (the jump competition was into a massive headwind, which yielded a broken neck, collarbone and ankle - and that was practice).
We did such a good job of NOT being a bunch of assholes pushing product down peoples throats that we got approached a few times and asked what we were doing there.... "uh, giving people beer and smoking out, what's the hell are the rest of these people doing?" Mountain Bike Fiction called this moment a "party at Bob's Bus" mbaction.com/detail.asp?id=944 and even though I haven't figured out who Bob is - that was no "party", that was just a typical moment in a four day swill session. Jesse, our professional swiller from the Toronado in San Francisco toronado.com, started each day by 8am with a full liter Oktoberfest style mug - with a goal of five liters before noon. Where are the medals there? I was trying to hang on, but usually waited until I had four cups of coffee in me. I'm a pussy, though I like to think I'd still make podium in endurance, shit most folks only showed up for a day or two.
Oh yeah, and we had some new bikes introduced too...
v10.pinkbike.com/bb/viewtopic.php?t=64606
you can't drink bikes but if you find the right people, you can trade 'em for just about anything...
Keep up the good work
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You guys are heroes.
Did you ever hear of Jesus Day?
That rocks.
You have got to check out the Wesley Clark Op/Ed piece in the times. It's a damn good read.
One more and I'm out. Some food for thought. And to think I almost bought a nice little hand cannon from this man a month ago…
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From: Mr. Completely
Subject: how proud should we be?
I read a bit from the AP a few weeks ago about how 11 million children live below the poverty level in the USA. That's fucking reprehensible. What are WE doing about that? The US government has just spent 200 billion in Iraq helping those ungrateful fuckers and the shrub is asking for more. Why, because his dads former buddy (yes they were friends deal with it) blew up the world trade center. We lost almost 3000 people. However, that same year we lost more than 4000 people in the US to malnutrition . Poor, uneducated and sick people. Is that acceptable? We allow that shit?!?! Oh yeah we gotta Fight Terrorism. However, your chances of being killed in a terrorist attack are less than the odds of you being stuck by lightning. Or about the same as a 40 year old single mom finding a suitable husband.. And those odds were before we started throwing immeasurable amounts of cash at the problem. However, your chances of losing your personal freedom in a terrorist attack 100%. Is that a solution? Sure. Is it a good solution? Not hardly. I believe that part of being strong is remaining calm in the face of adversity, not overreacting. Spazing out, flying off the handle and blowing your load is a sure fire way to show people that your are SCARED...I don't think that WE are a scared nation. Our leader is scared. Scared of our freedom.
Listen, if the only way to get attention globally is to be a terrorist, then we are giving these assholes plenty of incentive to do what they do....
At least I can still ride. Well maybe. Oh yeah, in huntington beach you gotta have your bike registered (in the interest of national security) or it will be confiscated and treated like trash (wheels kicked in paint scratched and then locked in outside storage next to a nice salty ocean) until you resolve the issue.
You can have all the freedom you want, it comes in 20 packs on the personal hygiene isle.....
I am proud.
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We should be proud. We're gonna take our country back. Just watch.
I almost got my "new" fixed gear bike together last night. I ran into a little "problem" when the crankset I traded Jackass Justin for turned out to be "cracked". Although I will pour damn near any liquor down my throat, I do have to draw the line of self punishment as some point. And today, that line in the sand is all about now wrecking the shit outta myself when a badly damaged driveside crank fails and sends me pavement bound.
I hear Truckdriver Joel had a little over the bars episode this past weekend down in Bisbee. Something about a chain coming off. That would explain his DNF in the first road stage, but doesn't do much to defend his bringing up the rear in the prologue.
I don't imagine his chain fell off then as well.
Hey, what are friends for if we can't bust their balls now and again?
And, check up my man and friend of the site, Jake the Snake, kicking some ass with a top ten finish in the Stage 2 time trail. Good looking out kid. I won't hold my breath for that race report email, you last son of a bitch.
Here's a little ditty from a man not afraid to type. Big Bad Benson rocked shit at Sea Otter flying the DC colors. Second place in the Expert Cross County. Word.
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From: Bensy
Subject: DC on the podium
Hey BJ,
Here is a photo of me on the podium at Sea Otter. It was a harder race this year! 39.1 miles, 3 hours, 176 avg. heart rate. I took it easy at the start since I knew there would not be very many guys out there with as many miles in their legs. I kept it steady on the first lap, but developed a major back pain. After the race I found out that my seat had slid over an inch backwards. I could barely concentrate with the pain until a rider came up behind me and asked to pass. I told him " I'll just go faster." So I did and made a big push to finish as soon as possible. He caught back up to me at the base of the final 2 mile climb, but I was able to push just a bit harder on the pedals and opened a 1.30 gap. The finish was cool. The dirt climb ended into the base of the corkscrew on the Laguna Seca race track, then it is like a half mile or so to the finish. I even sprinted a dude since I did not know what category he was nor did I know what place I was in. I got lots of yells for the DC jersey. I think you need to step out there for the single speed race next year and sell some jersey's and t-shirts!. |
Good looking out, kid. How about a couple more shot of Bensy? This would be him turning up the heat on one of the climbs. And this would be him heading back down the hill.
If anyone would like a jersey like the one Bensy is wearing, today is your lucky day. I have some to sell, praise the Lord.
Even though I have no pictures up yet, you can order shit from me
here. The jerseys are badass. The beer cozies
are cool, and the stickers speak for themselves.
Yo, it may be completely wack. But fuck it. I just want to sell some of my bullshit.
Some of you may have notices that I had to pull the video of the week. After 6,000 downloads and some God awful bandwidth, I had to yank the bitch.
It was a damn good video, and I hope ya'll had a chance to check it out.
God damn, that thing was hammering the server.
It's time to start wading through the flood of emails. Happens whenever I leave the computer unattended for any length of time, this past weekend being no exception. I came back to over a thousand. Lucky for me, with the way virus emails are so prevalent, at least half of them I could go through and delete immediately.
I'm working on the balance now.
I'd say that's some good stuff to know. And it looks like making your bike a chopper may be dwelling in the $20 fine offense territory.
Probably worth it in the end.
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From: CBill
Subject: Fishing question
Here's a fishing quiz for you to take as you get ready for the new season:
Click here: The Fishing Question
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Um, yeah.
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From: Mike D
Subject: yeah but
were they any good?
Tamales
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Oh boy.
And stay sharp fellas, this next one could take awhile.
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From: James
Subject: An assigned task
Big jonny-
You have to look at every free sample picture of topless women in body paint on this site:
lenshead.com/bbpal/bbpal.html
That is your task.
There are many pictures.
Now get going!
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The rest of it can be found here.
Well, that's sounds like good news to me. He can take my wheel any day.
And in the spirit of fairness, I'm going to post this next email. I'm pretty one sided around here, even when I try to not to be. This is my attempt at fair and balanced.
I just don't care for Bush or the direction he's taken our country. Enough said.
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From: Bob R.
Subject: The whole statement.... Bush conference
Jonny,
You left leaning, neo-socialist, Michael Moore loving, ah well, liberal.
I know you're busy and don't have time to fact-check all the email from your liberal buddies, so I'll pitch in.
Here is the Bush statement about mistakes in full context. Note, that he was using HUMOR! after being asked the same question about mistakes at least 5 times.
Bob --
Q Thank you, Mr. President. In the last campaign, you were asked a question about the biggest mistake you'd made in your life, and you used to like to joke that it was trading Sammy Sosa. You've looked back before 9/11 for what mistakes might have been made. After 9/11, what would your biggest mistake be, would you say, and what lessons have you learned from it?
THE PRESIDENT: I wish you would have given me this written question ahead of time, so I could plan for it. (Laughter.) John, I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could have done it better this way, or that way. You know, I just -- I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer, but it hadn't yet.
I would have gone into Afghanistan the way we went into Afghanistan. Even knowing what I know today about the stockpiles of weapons, I still would have called upon the world to deal with Saddam Hussein. See, I happen to believe that we'll find out the truth on the weapons. That's why we've sent up the independent commission. I look forward to hearing the truth, exactly where they are. They could still be there. They could be hidden, like the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm.
One of the things that Charlie Duelfer talked about was that he was surprised at the level of intimidation he found amongst people who should know about weapons, and their fear of talking about them because they don't want to be killed. There's a terror still in the soul of some of the people in Iraq; they're worried about getting killed, and, therefore, they're not going to talk.
But it will all settle out, John. We'll find out the truth about the weapons at some point in time. However, the fact that he had the capacity to make them bothers me today, just like it would have bothered me then. He's a dangerous man. He's a man who actually -- not only had weapons of mass destruction -- the reason I can say that with certainty is because he used them. And I have no doubt in my mind that he would like to have inflicted harm, or paid people to inflict harm, or trained people to inflict harm on America, because he hated us.
I hope I -- I don't want to sound like I've made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.
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Hey, you called me Michael Moore.
I'll take that compliment any day.
I realize that. I'm a left leaning wackjob and there ain't no changin it.
As far as fact checking, I've read a lot on the net and talked with people about that press conference, and it seems the general consensus, at least among the left leaning liberal folk, is that Bush didn't come off so well.
I haven't listened to Rush's radio show in a while, since it usually pushes me to the point of violence against the fat heads, but I'm sure he was taking it a different direction entirely.
Ok, deep breath.
One more thing that really pains me. I think a guy I met at the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo race has died.
I'll post what I have at this point. Sad, sad news.
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From: Tony Bagadonuts
Subject: We lost another bro (at a race)
Sad news.
I wasn't there, but I lost a friend over the weekend. A copy of the
first report to hit my inbox follows:
A composite forwarded message from Glen and Rachel below:
This weekend our friend Ben Hall was involved in a tragic accident
while racing at Canyonlands. Ben's warm smile and personality, as
well as his amazing beard and kite flying skills, will be missed
dearly.
3 guys got tangled up, crashed and were hurt badly. One of the guys
involved was indeed Ben. Apparently he hit the oncoming truck head
on at
a part of the course where I was cruising along at 20 mph or so, so he
was probably going a lot faster. It was a wide open flat-ish dirt road
at this point.
At the very somber awards ceremony, the fella from Cycle Cyndicate
took a moment to update everyone on the situation, that there had
been a
bad accident and in fact one of our cycling brothers was killed. It was
tough for him at the PA, and there was hardly a dry eye in the crowd as
everyone observed an awkward moment or two of quiet.
It would have been his birthday today (4/26).
Anyone who ever saw or met Ben would remember him. Here is a photo of
Ben doing what he loved. Ben's beardpower.
Ben we will miss you.
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That photo is in the current issue of Mountain Biking magazine, and many of you might have seen it. The photo was taken by Brian Cherry. I have no permission to run it on the site, but I want to show it to all of you anyway. I'm assuming Mr. Cherry will let it slide.
When I heard the name Ben Hall today, I thought I recognized it. When I saw the photo, I knew I did.
I only spoke with him once, while we were racing at the Old Pueblo. It was a passing thing really. Him passing me. In fact, I think he passed me a couple of times. I went on to finish my first attempt at a solo twenty four, and he won in the duo class. I won't pretend I knew him well, but I can tell you he was one hell of a nice guy.
My heartfelt condolences to his friends and family.
What a weekend.
And why am I always saying that?
I've been up for hours, having made a 7:00 am flight out of Newark
this morning. With an hour and a half drive to the airport preceding
it. And, I don't mind telling you there's a three hour time change,
so I guess I really haven't slept in damn near twenty four hours at
this point.
Yeah, that was fun way to wind down after a wedding reception and
all. I just hate being the first one to leave a party.
It just ain't natural.
A lot of surprises and confirmations this weekend in the wonderful
world of sport. The Flyers won tonight scoring late in the third to
come up two games on top of Maple Leafs. I'm pretty fucking happy 'bout
that one. With Philly, I'll take what I can get and be pleased as punch
about it.
I never thought Armstrong would win in Georgia.
This far out from the Tour, I hadn't expected to see him this sharp
and going for sprint
victories.
But I did expect Gord
Fraser to set the world on fire down in Georgia. Good lookin' out.
I'm tellin' ya, the guys like the Jake Rubelt of Tucson.
And I don't just say that about anyone.
My man Dru Miller couldn't quite do it again in the Vuelta
de Bisbee. He was in the hunt though, and that's worth something
with me. Third place at three seconds down is not quite failing like
dumptruck
Jan.
Who ate all the pies?
Janny did.
Who was dead freaking last at the opening prologue time trail in Bisbee?
That's right, my hero and yours, the Truckdriver.
And how 'bout that damn Rebellin?
The man is on fire.
I'd have to do some web searching and digging around, but I don't
know if anyone has ever won Amstel Gold Race, Flèche Wallonne,
Liège-Bastogne-Liège in the same year. I seriously doubt it,
but sometimes you'll find some wacky stuff way back between the wars.
Some son of a potato farmer with a name you can't pronounce rode himself
off the farm and into fame and fortune by stringing it out into the
wind on the cobbled hell. That's how you do it, buddy. Like a man.
Hell, I'd be interested in knowing how many people have won Amstel
and Liege in the same week, never mind even lining up at Flèche Wallonne. I'll bet it's a very short list. My guess would be it only has one name on it, and it's David Rebellin.
I'd write more, but I can no longer see. I'll tell you about it later.
Just think, as I write this Dru and Kelly are flying to Italy. Now that
sounds like some fun.
And I like fun.
Have you checked out Michael
Moore's site lately? Well, you should. Take a look at picture
of our "War President".
I hit up the practice crit yesterday. Or rather, it hit up
me. Whatever.
I felt a lot better than I did a week ago, but that ain't saying much.
Believe that.
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From: A Drunk Cyclist Fan
Subject: Ka Ka
Check Out This Link and Look Under, " Check This Out, Stuff Worth
Checking Out"
madwagon.com
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I can't believe I'm flying to New Jersey today. I guess a buddies
wedding is a special thing.
How good of a buddy? Well, he's been down with drunkcyclist.com from
day one. And, he's in the new issue of Dirt Rag wearing an inflatable
Elvis costume. Yeah, he'd down.
And so am I.
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From: Sluggo
Subject: Cipo in Georgia
Hey Big Jonny, What do you think of Super Mario's success here in
Georgia now? Give him a break, he's really good for the sport. It
looks like he's even being really nice with the fans. He admits
that he's not as fast as he used to be but I guess he can still
hang with some pretty fast company. I'm gonna try to get over to
Rome to check out the ITT tomorrow. Full report to follow |
Now, I may bust Cipo's balls, but he's still the man. I see him grabbing
a couple of wins at the Giro this year. And I wonder what he'll do in
the Tour.
What is it, 1:30 in the morning? And I've got to be up at 5:00? Jesus.
One more email and I'm out.
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From: Ron Hightower
Subject: Tales from D-town
wazzup?
yo! this here's ron Hudson writing y'all from dusseldorf, germany.
or as the english-speakers on the team (me) like to call it: "D-Town."
first day: "sebastian, what are we getting coffee at starbucks?"
so...i've received a lot of emails from folks asking what's
going on with me. well, just so you know, i'm not rude (wait...yes
i am), but i've been so stinkin' busy getting settled in and racing
that i haven't had the time to sit down and responded to anyone.
anyway, a wireless connection is kinda hard to find in this town.
second night: cruising the autobahn at 200kph in one of the
team cars (for our personal use, i might add) after meeting some
teammates in koln and collecting some team gear. we ride principia
bikes, truvativ cranksets, dura-ace 10spd, shimano pedals, selle
italia saddles, mavis wheels, conti tires, sigma sport computers,
bell helmets, diadora shoes.
thought i was going to that columbian team? or that swiss/S.
american/belgian team? yeah, me too! but some management/sponsorship
debacle laater and i am now riding for the German DIII Team Rosso-Sport.
we are based in dusseldorf, germany and the team is 10 germans
(sebastian "sprintmeister" prengel; sebastian drenker: 1.87m 78kg
diesel; sergei cant-spell-his-last-name: the GERMAN/belarussian
concussion, vitaly merts: a kazakhstanian (sp?) who speaks better
german than the germans, roland "calves-the-size-of-my-thighs"
mittendorf, , one aussie (michael--who is constantly being asked
by reporters "what at is your relation to bradley?" [none]--mcgee),
and me. i am the only guy under 64kg.
DISCLAIMER: please note that all measurements, weights and temperatures
mentioned will be using the metric system. to facilitate the transition
to life in germany, i made a point of changing over to the metric
system "en masse." and using german whenever i can. heck, my cycle
computer and my handy (cell phone) are set to german. so now,
my daily mileage, er...excuse me "kilometrage" shows on my bike
as tages-km and my ride time is now my fahrzeit.
so...been here 3 weeks today and by now ich spreche ein bischen
duetsch. i have learned enough german to find my way around, order
food, go shopping (i bought an i-pod and several football jerseys),
and visit the pharmacy. d-town itself is a pretty affluent city,
but the people are kinda rude/cold/crass. i guess that being stoic
is quite the german way. but it's a beautiful city...plenty of
cobbled streets and old buildings, plus the rhein runs right through
the allstadt (old-town).
every day: i say ich merke ein doppelt espresso bitte 4-5 times.
as for the food. well, i've found plenty of hafferflocken (oatmeal)
and low-fettt jogurt. the apples are plentiful, as is the diat
schoko pudding. i have yet to find a frozen yogurt shop that has
wow-cow or carbolite, so there goes 70% of my diet! but, i am
making every effort to assimilate into the population here and
have undertaken a comprehensive gastronomical survey of every
bockeri (and there's hundreds of 'em) in town under the premise
of comparing the various recipies for streusselkuchen (crumbcakes)
and other pastries. i have also done the same with the eis-milche
(gelato) shops which--are indeed--quite plentiful as well. the
result has been a gain of 4kg, but no decisive winner...so...the
search must continue.
every ride: we cruise through the city like bike messengers...hopping
curbs, swerving in-and-out of lanes, running lights, and narrowly
avoiding countless accidents. it's an all-out sprint to get out
of town and train. it's like NYC, but the buildings are not so
tall and the people aren't as nice.
10th day: team manager gets me a new (lighter) bike...the other
riders are pissed. they don't talk behind my back about it though--they
can do it in front of me...i don't understand a lot of german.
(hmm...doesn't look like a principia, and IS that a truvativ stem,
bar and post?
where am i living? for the past 3 weeks i was living with sebastian
p. and his girlfriend in one of the richest neighborhoods. however,
my team manager has supplied me with a flat in the "soho" district
of D. i just moved here last night and i like it. i am able to
log on to 4 or 5 wireless networks right from my couch. i mean,
i'm watching Fleche-Wallone live on Eurosport while i write this.
tv here sucks--only like 15 channels and all auf duetsch (go figure...).
but with the Champions, UEFA, and Euro League tourneys we get
tos of good football. plus there's tour of flanders, gent-wevelgem,
paris-roubaix, etc. all live and in their entirety.
mike mcgee moved in here too. he's a rather crafty old wombat
and knows his way around a racecourse. getting on in d-town is
a different story however. he don't speak german, don't wanna
speak german, and ain't gonna speak german. it's total culture
shock for him (even though he raced for a few years in belgien)
and he's restless as a speed-freak.
oh, and not to be outdone by so-pro jones (which, by the way,
i want to give a special shout-out for just being THE MAN this
year. 3 words for you: time to renegotiate! way to go, bro. keep
up the ass-kicking. i tried to explain the whole "SO-PRO" thing
to the guys over here, but i think the joke is LITERALLY lost
in translation. anyway, over here, the word pro is profi, so it
would have to be "SO-PROFI" which doesn't rhyme.), i managed to
get hit by a car on a team training ride. some AUDI WAGON came
flying out of an alley on my side of the double paceline and i
locked it up, skidded sideways, and slid across the hood (Bo Duke-style).
anyway, i landed on my feet, checked my bike, let the guy grovel
to me for a minute, then got on with the ride. now that's SO-PROFI.
races? i've raced 3 times so far. and next weekend we head to
france for a 7- or 9-day stage race (i don't remember which).
12.04.04
Rund um Schoenich (UCI 1.5) 130k
rolling circuit course in deutschland sud. 1st race of the year
for me and it showed.
200 guys on some narrow-ass roads. packed like sardines on 90kph
downhill for 3k...lock up the brakes...smell the burning rubber...sharp
left-hander...slight uphill grade....someone slips a chain...big
pile-up...i ride/bunnyhop over some guy's leg/bike...avoid 9 or
10 accidents and hundreds of wheels/bars touching and pushing/shoving
as we all try (thanks to gord for the warning...i have no problems)
to get position for the 2k, 10-12% climb to finish--last 200m
at 16%...i dive-bomb the hairpin before the uphill and move into
the first 30-40 places. 4th or 5th lap i see the move go...i try
to go around, out into the wind at 50kph...i lose 50 wheels...break
is gone.
later: get in chase group of 12 Saeco, Weisenhof, T-Mobile,
BH, Vermarc, Rosso (me) and some others.
2 laps to go: i turn the screws a little on the climb and string
us out single-file...5 guys crack=chase group of 7
1 lap to go: i attack at the base of the climb and open a 10m
gap...5 guys follow and i let them back on my wheel. 100m to the
top i go again and only a Saeco guy can stay within 15m...i sit
up after the climb, wait for him, and we're off...joined by a
Weisenhof and BH guy on the descent.
last lap: flat tire 4k to finish...wait for wheel change...wait...wait...roll
in to finish line as they are presenting the podium.
17.04.04
Gronigen-Munster (UCI 1.3) 200k
flat, windy classic course fom netherlands to munster
i get interviewed on tv and radio on the podium at sign-in,
and many pictures taken...much to the consternation of the german
contingent of my team. but i think they just like talking to foreign
riders.
sitting 20-30 wheel for first 40k. break goes off and the peloton
HITS THE GAS...i go backward...fast!
get gapped off 3 times and chase back on each time...super-windy...
break of 20-30 riders gets 20-minute plus lead...peloton is
time-cut!
18.04.04
Rund um Duren (UCI 1.5) 157k
really hilly course near belgien. 40-50kph winds.
even the belgians said it was windy today...so that says something!
highlight of the day: gave 5 or 6 interviews while sitting by
the team van...couldn't get out of the parking lot to sign-in
because of the throng of photographers swarming around to take
our pics.
lowlight of the day: i was sick...puked all over myself (and
some others) during the ride. i was going so bad that i got shelled
on the first climb (actually, it was just a grade) and was in
the chase group with a bunch of HUGE belgien guys.
still sick, but i put in my pulls...sat on on the descents...set
tempo on the climbs.
dropped out after 100k.
so, that's about it. oh, but i just found out that since i'm
sick, our sportlicher lichter (d.s.) has decided that i am not
going to race in france. too flat for me is his excuse. but i'll
be doing a couple of races in belgien and deutschland nord.
well other than that, alles klar.
|
Lemme see here, Wednesday. Tomorrow I fly out to New Jersey for Dru
and Kelly's wedding. We'll just leave last names off to keep ya'll guessing.
I'm like that.
What could be more fun than New Jersey in April? How about a nice
spot of food poisoning? That's always a blast.
Not sure if I've posted this next link already. Probably, but whatever.
It is interesting.
| |
From: Pistol Pete
Subject: !!!!
Holy Shit! So I goes to the Quechua Tribal Fish and Game dept for
a camping permit. Real nice and easy. Forty dollars and I'm legal.
I don't want no trouble with the Tribal authorities. I ride fifteen
hot and dusty miles out to the legal camp area and the natural beauty
is almost overpowering. It is easy to believe the old stories of
the Colorado River jungles. Only one problem. There are other people
camping out there n have been for a long, long time. It looks as
though no one has EVER removed garbage from their camp. I stop to
talk with one dude as he's getting his pickup ready for a town run."
Do you need anything?" he helpfully asks. The entire time he's throwing
everything that's not nailed into his truck bed onto the ground.
Surrounding his clapped out R.V. is easily three tons of refuse.
Easily. There are also about a half dozen "Empty" campsites around.
Altogether there's about twenty tons of trash and junk. "Hey I'll
see ya man" as I head a little further down that dusty gravel road.
I'm ! tryin' to be cool to my ol' 700X38 Interwolfs 'cuz they gotta
get me back to Tucson. Shit, man. So another coupla miles and I
drop into an apparently better dirt road, til I get to the end that
is. Shit ,again. "Howdy folks" I call out. Bonnie and Clyde come
on over. The very first words outta Bonnie's mouth are "You're not
fuckin' me, only HE fucks me" She points at Clyde. Clyde smiles.
I'm speechless, thank the Gods. Otherwise I'da fucked up big and
said the truth "Baby, there ain't nothin' on Earth that could make
me fuck you" She weighs about eighty pounds and is covered in scabs.
Their campsite has as much trash as I've seen since leaving Tucson.
An incomprehensible amount of trash. I'm amazed and curious. "So"
I ask'em "You been here long?" "Too long" Bonnie says. They show
me around. "Excuse the mess" Clyde says, "The dogs got into the
garbage". Yeah, about a thousand years ago, I think. I thank them
for the look see and split. A bunch of late afternoon miles back
to the Game and Fish only to be to! ld "Go camp somewhere else".
Fuck it man, I'm gonna splurge on a motel...
Go Figger |
Good luck in Crackerville. I hear it's nice there this time of year.
| |
From: Andrew
Subject: Ahh…Road Rage
sacbee.com/content/news/story/8823559p-9750379c.html
Running into a bike/bicyclist with your car is bad.
INTENTIONALLY running into a bike/bicyclist with your car is worse.
INTENTIONALLY running into a bike/bicyclist with your car and dragging
a 2-year old child 75 feet is just evil. Especially not if you hightail
it after.
Fucking cars.
|
That is a really crappy story. And so is this.
| |
From: LT
Subject: what the fuck is wrong
Yo Big J-
More fuel for the fire. An unbelievable story about some jackass
on the road almost taking a Denver brother out. And worse, when
he didn't take him out, he decided to stop and throw down.
If only to have been around for this one... |
It came as word document, but I've got it up here.
Jesus Christ. I'm glad that Brett wasn't seriously injured. Getting
knocked off the road with a car is some bullshit. It's a good way to
kill someone.
As far as I'm concerned that action constitutes an assault with a
deadly weapon. You should go to jail for a stunt like that. It should
be a felony offense. And you should have your driving privileges yanked
by the state. Once you've proven you're a loose cannon that has no problem
using your car as a weapon, you should no longer hold a drivers license.
But, I'm probably preaching to the choir on that one, eh?
Check this out.
| |
From: MLW
Subject: Huge BMX Contest - Nor-Cal Ramps "Ramp Jam II"
APRIL 24th 2004 "NOR-CAL RAMP JAM II"
Another HUGE BMX Contest at Nor-Cal Ramps! Nor-Cal Ramp Jam II with
sponsors like Solid, Kink, FSA, Haro, Redbull, Tip Plus, Primo,
Props, Diatech and more!
Come check it out! Go to norcalramp.com
for more information! |
Looks like fun.
So does this, check out chopper
night.
| |
From: Robert
Subject: The Prez
BJ-
I dunno if you saw Bush's Tuesday press conference, but this was
his response when asked what was his biggest mistake since 9/11.
"I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time
so I could plan for it..... I'm sure something will pop into my
head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the
pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet....
I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident
I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here,
and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming
up with one."
Keep in mind his first 15 questions was from a pre-ordained
list of reporters.
and here's a good game if you haven't linked it already.
dnainternet.fi/pelit/english/
|
I kinda wish I wasn't such a schmuck when it comes to keeping the
email timely. That would have been great to post, well, back on the
fucking 15th.
More of the same in the next email.
| |
From: Tall Paul
Subject: Fw: mistakes
Go here, click which ever video player your system uses, sit back,
and get ready for real shock and awe. This is no longer tolerable,
it has never been honorable, and for the sake of our country and
the world, let's make sure it doesn't become electable. Please pass
this on to as many people as you can.
Everything is at stake.
democrats.org/mistakesweremade/index.html
|
Yep. Let's take the country back.
Ladies and Gentlemen: There is a new Sheriff in town.
He goes by many names. Sessa, Lil' Pun and the Bike Whisperer. Don't
ask me about that last one, I have no fucking idea.
But I will tell you this much. I awoke to find three business cards
and a Paulaner beer coaster stuck in my front door scrawled with cryptic
messages from the Big Pun himself. You can fit a lot of text on that
much paper, and believe me, he did. Near as I can figure, Big Pun took
the new Sheriff out on the rounds.
Hanging with Big Pun will crush you. It does me. I usually end up
throwing up in the bushes and waking up on the floor. And I thought
I was a heavyweight.
I ain't shit.
So, the "Bike Whisperer" gave it hell all night and still had it together
enough today to be the first up the Snow Bowl hill climb. And then he
straight up rolled me in the City Limit sprint.
Hmm, let's see, I can't drink, I can't climb, I can't sprint. What
the fuck can I do?
This sucks. I'm going to go stick my head in the oven. Goodbye.
I'd call this one a swift kick in the nuts. When the cops came to
find a drunk driver "spun out" in his pickup truck, they also found
the cyclist he managed to kill in the process. Read it all here.
I'd say that's pretty fucking lame.
| |
From: eccotterman
Subject: Foam this!
In response to O'Gradys friday rant, I agree completely, and have
decided to order a pair of these. One for the fixed-gear, one for
the Ellsworth. "OUTTA MY WAY HEIFER ! ! !" will be my mantra.
onlinesports.com/pages/I,MW-AZ3333.html
|
I'd say that's a fine way to win friends and influence people.
I remember back in the glory days when Nic the Dick ordered up one
of those. He used to let it rip in the back of Domenic's, oh, all day
long.
Swear to God I didn't know what I wanted to hit with a hammer more:
Nic or that fucking horn.
Turns out I hit neither. And I feel pretty good about that.
You know, the suspenders would really have made that for me. At least
one of those jokers was wearing a helmet the whole time. Now that's
a class move if I ever saw one.
More good news out of France.
"Mégret bases his concerns on medical tests undertaken at three different
points of last season on a group of 700 French or foreign riders based
in French teams. In particular, Mégret highlights the increase during
the season in the number of riders whose tests showed the presence of
reticulocytes (immature red blood cells). Among the pros, Mégret writes,
"the numbers pass from 1.8% when the first test was done in 2003 to
29.2% when the third was done." That third test was done on June 28,
just before the French road championships and a week before the start
of the Tour de France."
Read it all here.
And, just in case you were wondering what sorority life is all about,
you'll love this article.
And yeah, it's pretty much like you imagine.
Well, you didn't see 'ol Cipo winning down in Georgia
today did ya?
| |
From: JH
Subject: only white people in the for bush testimonials
You notice that crap on georgewbush.com/news/support.aspx
where the clownheads for bush (refuse to capitalize) are as white
as a polar bear ass? Looks like half those people on some military
base where hating on bush is not exactly smiled upon. If I was surrounded
by a bunch of potential war widows I would be all up on bush too
otherwise my kid would get beat up something fierce. I knew a woman
that was a base baby that grew up in Germany she would come home
from school coated in spit from the local kids. Good times. |
Yep. I linked that page a week or so back. Maybe two, I don't know.
Anyway, I never get sick of laughing at those clowns.
What you need is a Jesus Christ action
figure. What kid wouldn't like that?
A couple of more links that showed up recently in an email: Qualifying
at the Little
500 and a kick
ass shop manager.
And the Little
500 is coming up this weekend. Ought to be a good one.
| |
From: Tony Bagadonuts
Subject: At least I got the Pun to waste 5 minutes of his
time
Mission (semi) accomplished.
I just want to be the piece of sand in this oyster of a world.
I would apologize for talking out of my ass like a jerk and stirring
up the pot a little if it wasn't so intentional on my part.
The Pun is actually right. Me & BaGGadonuts are cosmically tied
together by a completely meaningless name. I had hoped we could
become buddies after our duel of words, bikes, alcohol or whatever.
Win or lose, it doesn't matter. It would be like two guys buying
each other a beer after trading drunken punches over some bar skank.
Perhaps there is still some chance. After all, doesn't the asshole
get the last word?
|
Right on. We do aim to please around here. It's part of the whole
drunk cyclist package deal. You know, aside from liver disease and saddle
sores.
And, yes, the asshole gets the last word. And that word is "goodnight".
Yee haa. First road race of the year, and I got a whooping 26th.
Great.
At least I finished. A lot of guys can't even say that.
Felt good the whole time, and made it into the last corner in the
top ten. One guy had leapt off at the feed zone, and was just hanging
out there cooking. It's got to be 1500 meters from the corner to the
finish, all uphill. All into the wind. I knew we'd catch him before
the finish. What I didn't know is that the pack would surge past all
of us lime we were sitting still.
They came by me so fast I still can't believe it. There was no grabbing
wheels, there was no speeding up, there was no nothing. Just grit your
teeth and get on with it.
The guy who jumped, yeah, he finished 25th.
Fuck.
Next time, you are all my bitches.
Gnomes stayed in the Cat 1 field, another straight off the sofa performance.
I think he was 14th. And the Big Jackass got third in a tandem race.
Don't ask me how he got himself into that one, he's a jackass. It's
not supposed to make any sense.
He even managed to lock the door behind himself leaving the bathroom
this weekend. And, yeah, there isn't a key. So he had to use a screw
driver.
Damn old Jackass.
I hope Snake is happy with my race report. He let me have it on the
phone today. I guess he figured 26th was about as pathetic as it gets.
Well, maybe, but he's just pissed 'cause he lost to Burke Swindlehurst
by three seconds at the Chums Classic.
Which, by the way, I cannot find any results for anywhere on the net
tonight. What's up with that?
And, where's that race report Snake?
| |
From: Crotaline
Subject: Sniper rifle
It is/was a hoax. There was no prototype built, nothing. This guy
DID Go to the Beijing expo, and had a booth, and there were some
shady Characters interested in it, but it was all a joke to see
how far the police state would go. Read the interview in ABUSE YOUR
ILLUSIONS from Disinfo press ( www.disinfo.com ) and the book its
in disinfo.com/site/displayarticle13.html
Yeah... scary when truth is more real than fiction.
|
Thanks for the link.
And where the hell is my landlord? He's at the Tour
d'Afrique that's where.
Here is some of that feel good shit, I
don't care about the air.
I rarely find anything written by Andrew
Sullivan that doesn't just piss me the fuck off, but this little
ditty sounds about right. I'm glad to hear he rides a bike. Andrew,
I'm damn proud of ya.
If you haven't caught O'Grady's latest foaming
rant, I suggest you do so now. And you do not want to miss the fall
out posted in Monday's mail bag over at velonews.
Seems not everyone is as entertained with our young O'Grady as I am.
Imagine that.
Thank God it's Friday. Truer words have rarely been spoken.
I'm heading to Tucson (again) this weekend. I'm going to hit up the
shootout and even try my hand at the Colossal Cave road race on Sunday.
I'm not expecting much, so maybe I'll be surprised in the end.
Something like that anyway.
Check out see
ya George. It's a dot com, don't cha know?
| |
From: Bill
Subject: Energy consumption
There is a lot of news about the new energy bill that is being pushed
(for profit???) by Bush and Cheney. Do your own research and tell
your senators what you think. There's a link below that sums up
one side of the argument and allows you to send a letter via e-mail
to the senators in your state. It only takes a minute.
nrdcactionfund.org/redfordRadio/
|
I'm not sure where you'll find the other side of that argument. I
found this on cnn.
Maybe this site, georgewbush.com
will provide something in the way policy support.
Or maybe not.
You feel like reading witty, insightful, intelligent and down right
fucking scary comments such as: "I look at President Bush and see a
dependable, compassionate, Christian man." Some real humdingers like:
"I feel that President Bush is changing the course of history for the
good of the entire world." And other things stupid white people say,
click here.
This just in, 90% of ignorant white folk support President Bush.
No disrespect to Greg K. I know you're going back flips in your living
room as you read this. I do aim to please, my man.
And here's a little tip that might come in handy for some of you this
weekend:
| |
"A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains
after you've been fingerprinted."
-Martha Stewart |
Check this out: the East
Coast North American Single Speed Championship. It's coming up May
30th. Sounds like a fucking good time to me.
Too bad I'll be in Durango.
And, did you notice that website design had a little DC influence
going on? I do get around, don't I?
This next link in from a couple of different sources. Once guys entitled
it "Things not to do to promote cycling." Another was "honorary dirtbag,
im all choked up with pride." I am so lucky. So very lucky.
Check it out: Vengeful
cyclist jailed for slashing 2000 tires.
And he did this in just over a week. Ten to eleven days. Man, was
he fucking motivated or what?
| |
From: Mr. Completely
Subject: no subject
heartlessbitches.com
I saw this site and thought of you. If I had more time in Tucson
I would have gotten you drunk and made you my bitch. You tasty little
tenderoini..... |
Oh
Dear
God.
| |
From: Tipsey McStagger
Subject: Pipes, Peddlers and Policemen
Big Johnny. A story of interest. I may be putting my ass on the
line using "beating the hell out him" as my description given our
sworn officers were involved. I did, however, see the Rodney King
video. I know an ass whipping when I see one.
Today there were about 50 cops on mountain bikes doing training
on South Mountain. They were all in line cruising down Desert
Classic when the leaders came upon two youngsters, with bikes,
who had stopped to smoke a bowl. Can you say "wrong place, wrong
time"? As the semi-uniformed cops approached them the kids freaked,
threw the pipe, and bolted! From where the kids were they couldn't
see the other 48 cops coming over the rise and they rode right
into them! Surprise, surprise, surprise! The officers were yelling
"Stop those guys!" and the cops tackled one kid as the other kid
jumped off his bike and ran. He jumped over a wall, ran through
the back yard then over the wall into the front yard. One of the
cops pounced on him and within seconds a swarm of them were on
top of the kid . . It was unbelievable! Right here in Ahwatukee!
It took an hour or so before the whole scene cleared, but something
tells me this isn't the last we'll hear of this little story…
|
Bringing
the pain like your name Terry Tate, baby.
One more and I'm out.
Catholic
School Girls Rule.
The lead news story for tonight's post:
Oh boy. Well, you had to know that one was coming. No pun intended.
As of right now, that story is about four hours old. I'm sure we'll
be hearing a lot more about this tomorrow, and in the coming days.
Ok, that one was intended. Forgive me, I just couldn't resist.
Tonight I got to work on fixing up my road bike. I'm actually going
to race it this weekend. We'll see how that goes.
I'm guessing badly, but, I'm a pessimist.
I send Tall Todd a pic of my man Ludo
Dierckxsens after the Queen. He came back with this.
| |
From:
Subject:
He's your guy! I guess it's back to the paint factory for him. Actually
I think he did ok.
Not the best P-R, but it's always great to watch. My favorite moment
was cyclingnews.com/photos/2004/apr04/roubaix04/index.php?id=raceday/dsc_0297
and mark my words, George will NEVER win a major Classic. He's good,
but he seems like his riding technique is to stay with the leaders
until something fucks up. He doesn't ride like he's a major threat
to anyone. I know it's supposedly "helping cycling" but could OLN
suck Lance Armstrong's dick anymore? I watched the road to the tour
last week. A guy is in Austin to report that things are "on track....
now back to you Kirsten." Shit it was like watching Access Hollywood.
I am hoping for anyone to light him up this year just to deflate
the hype a little.
How's the riding been? I read something about you and chaps... do
I want to know??? |
Yeah. Chaps.
Quite liberating actually. Letting the boys hang. Ah, that's the life
for me.
And Dierckxsens came in 14th, 29 seconds back. He's in the hunt in
any Classic.
If you like Howard Stern like I do, you're going to love this.
Yep, Stern is getting mad. And, it's about time.
I hope Shrub goes out like his father; after one term.
Here at drunkcyclist.com, we get two kinds of emails. The serious,
and the not so serious. I'll try to share some of those with you tonight.
That last one is pretty fucked, even for me. I have a hard time believing
the World Trade centers where blown up with dynamite as one would in
a planned building demolition. I just can't get my hands around that
one.
| |
From: Brian
Subject: frequent flyers
Did you see yesterday's Wired
article pointing out that American Airlines admitted it gave
1.2 million travel itineraries to the Transportation Safety Administration
for them to search. Interestingly, over the last 8 months the TSA
has been saying it wasn't collecting this data. So, are they or
are they not try to watch over all Americans flying? Since an organizational
is strongly influenced by the leader, I guess it shouldn't be surprising
that a government body created by George
Bush isn't too worried about the truth. It's frustrating because
I believe in open processes and a truthful government. After the
Republican critiques of Bill Clinton, I thought this administration
might be a breath of fresh air, boy was I wrong. I wonder how many
other branches of government lying to us? |
You're preaching to the choir over here, man.
Remember that wacky crimson
room game thing I linked back on the 12th? Well, here's a webpage
with some hints
on how to beat it.
And, who doesn't want their very own ?
Kinda freaky, that last one, wasn't it? Yeah.
| |
From: Jeff from Massachusetts
Subject: naked spinintervals
hey jonny~
I was at the video store the other night looking for a good movie.
While I was there, I saw a "naked yoga" video on the shelf. I didn't
think the wife would want to watch it, so I didn't get it, but it
got me to thinking again about my naked spinnervals idea.
if I can rent a video of completely naked women doing "erotic"
yoga, and the video cover left no doubt that it was all fairly
good looking women and no men, then why can't I buy/rent a spinning
video featuring fairly good looking, but naked, women?
I think it's a valid question.
p.s. we're supposed to get 2" of cold (40 degrees) rain in the
next twenty four hours. yeah, that will help the trails and my
attitude. I wish I could just drive south a few hours to get some
sun like you, but that would only get me to NYC.
|
Well, I hear New York in nice this time of year…
One more and I'm out.
| |
From: Sessa
Subject: long time reader, first time mailer(?)
As Big Pun alluded, your site embodies everything that is positive
about the bike scene. In times of doping allegations, finger pointing,
D1 teams with financial woes, etc., it is nice to have a forum for
the regular joes to chat up the love for beer, cycling, and the
ladies.
Yes indeed, I am still celebrating Backstedt's win at Paris-Roubaix.
I only wish that I was still on the scene so that I could have
stepped out with the boys for a Leffe post race. Maggie did win
the Inter-Giro last year when we were together at Fakta, as well
as his national champ TT, but this is his first one day win since
Fayt le Franc in 2002. Don't overlook the result of Roger Hammond
(resplendent in his GB national champ kit) a fine one-day rider
in his own right. If it had not been for some broken bones in
2000 and 2003, you would have heard more from him by now.
I see that someone referenced an article on the velonews site
and suggested that the author was trying to step in your shoes
but falling short. To start with, I would like to say that velonews
is a pretty weak site. If you want to read proper cycling news
without fluff then go to cyclingnews.com or cycling4all.com. But
I did check the link and was glad to see that the entry was courtesy
of Agnetti "Bruno" Sheldrake. Bruno was a junior I worked with
on the Mercury team in 2000 and 2001 and he is a wicked cool kid.
Not only is he a strong rider (Jonathan Vaughters gave him props
in one of his monthlies for Cycle Sport in 2000) but his writing
is pretty good for a little kid. Maybe he is reaching a bit, but
the style is similar to Jim Carroll ("Basketball Diaries") without
the dependence on pharmaceuticals.
Aa-ight, I am off to the Pay-n-Take to look for Big Pun.
|
Funny, I just left Big Pun down at Pay-n-Take. Small world, or small
town? You be the judge.
The first of the Wednesday night crit series was tonight. I went out
and did it, and man, do I need some friggin work. I've got no top end
at all. Oh well, at least it'll come quickly once I get around to actually
trying. I've got the base, I earned that this winter.
This was the first time I've explored the upper reaches of the tachometer
since an mbaa race four or five weeks ago. It didn't really feel to
good.
At least when I pulled out after a couple of laps in the pain cave,
I wasn't quite as bad as my man who had the full on asthma attack. That
shit was wacky.
Sit out a lap, jump back in, and Powers hits the deck on the courses
worst corner. And, it's a bitch of a corner. If anyone is going to wreck,
it's going to be right there.
He slid for awhile, and burned a nice hole in his thigh. And I mean
burned a hole. Fucking gnarly.
He's a hockey player, and he'll be back.
Just not in the next couple of days.
| |
From: otto
Subject: April 9th
hey, you're telling all your 4/9 stories, thought I'd share mine....that's
when I got pegged head-on by a buick at 50 mph...two years ago today...haven't
raced since and my back still hurts and all state is still fighting
the lawsuit, cocksuckers.
....anyway, I'm just bitching |
Damn. That sounds horrible. I hope your getting on Ok.
Well, fuck me for not getting to your email sooner. Damn inbox. Always
full of so much good stuff.
And a lot of crap as well, usually. But that's to be expected.
I ran into a couple of buddies of mine as I was getting ready to head
home from the bar tonight. They were just showing up, and looking to
go big. Seems someone's wife and kids are out of town. I felt kinda
bad leaving, but I'm cooked. A couple of beers on top of getting my
ass kicked in that crit and I'm done.
You can stick a fork in me. Thank you very much.
| |
From: Steve
Subject: PRESS RELEASE: Regional Cycling Star, Drew Miller,
set to defend Bisbee Title
Bisbee, Arizona -- 36-year old Drew Miller will defend his status
as returning champion of the four-stage La Vuelta de Bisbee April
23-25. Despite riding with a weakened team, recovering from a flu
he picked up during the Redlands Bicycle Classic and facing stiff
competition, Miller's Landis Trek/VW team vows to "give it our all."
Miller won last year's event against a field that included Health
Net's Gord Fraser and Mike Sayers and Saturn's Ivan Dominguez
and Viktor Rapinski. He opened by wining the 2.8-mile uphill prologue.
The next day's morning road stage ended in a Health Net dominated
sprint and the afternoon time trial saw Rapinski sweep into the
top General Classification spot, setting up and on-the-road battle
for the overall between Rapinski, Fraser and Miller. It took a
dramatic explosion on the final climb up Mule Pass for Miller
to finish far enough ahead of Rapinski and Fraser to lock up the
overall.
"I suffered all the way to the finish," Flagstaff-based Miller
said of his 2003 effort. "Since we're basically a shop team, it
meant a lot to us." Principally sponsored by Landis Cyclery, a
multi-store chain of bike shops based in Phoenix, the team is
a member of the Trek Regional program, which backs strong amateur
teams throughout the country and has produced success stories
like current U.S. National mountain bike champion Sue Haywood
and Olympic hopeful Jemeriah Bishop.
Miller's win was an amazing display of form, experience and
strategy; especially meaningful when you consider that this self-proclaimed
'old' club rider squeezes Elite-level cycling performances into
a life filled with family and a full-time career as a mechanical
engineer for W.L. Gore. Last year's Bisbee win was the beginning
of a stand-out season in which Miller, who was featured in Velo
News, went on to win the Tour of the Gila as well as come second,
5 seconds behind Jonathan Vaughters, in the famous Colorado uphill
race; the Mt. Evans Hill Climb.
Can Landis Trek/VW and Miller repeat last year's drama? "My
form and fitness were good earlier this spring," Miller said but
warned that he's recently lost valuable training time. "Redlands
started well but I ended it with the flu. I've taken a couple
steps back since then - two solid 2 weeks of little or no riding."
The challenge presented by the competition promises excitement
says Miller. "Monex had a good climber at Redlands (Davide Frattini,
Italian pro and former winner of the Baby Giro) and Seasilver
has lots of potential winners (Erker, Livingston, Knudsen, etc.).
Burke (Swindlehurst, Navigators) is also a great climber and a
very savvy tactical rider. I think he had Bisbee won years ago
but flatted in the final time trial and lost the lead. Bisbee
owes him one."
The Landis Trek/VW squad is also missing Scott Price, one of
its foundational leaders. "It sucks, but he had a nasty crash
at Redlands, " Miller said. "We lose a lot of horsepower and leadership
without him." But he says the squad is ready. "Even though, just
based on numbers, we are weaker this year, everyone's gonna give
their all. If someone on the team has the legs to contend, I know
that everyone will put forth maximum effort!"
ABOUT LA VUELTA DE BISBEE: The La Vuelta de Bisbee, a three-day,
four-stage National Race Calendar event will be held April 23rd
through 25th 2004 in Bisbee, Arizona. In it's 26th year, the race
features a uphill time-trial prologue, two road stages and a time
trial covering more than 177 total miles of racing and 10,038
feet of climbing for Senior and Master's men and women racers.
THE STAGES: Prologue -- Friday April 23rd - the Mule Pass Individual
Time Trial climbs straight up Tombstone pass and gains 837 feet
of elevation in just 2.8 miles. Stage 1 -- Saturday April 24th
- in the Sulphur Springs Road Race, riders are tested on the rolling
rural highways around Bisbee. The A men complete a two-lap circuit
that includes 2,300 feet of total climbing over 79.3 miles. The
women and B men race one of the circuits. Stage 2 -- Saturday
April 24th - the Warren Time Trial, named for a city founder,
tests riders for a second time on Saturday over 8.3 miles. Stage
3 -- Sunday, April 25th - Tombstone Road Race - Starting and finishing
in downtown Bisbee, the 87-mile A men's and 59- women and B men's
race promises to settle any tension and drama built over the weekend.
The race gains more than 6'400 feet and finishes with a 5-mile,
6% grade uphill climb. Most LVDB's are settled on the final climb
of the final stage.
For complete event information, visit the LVDB Web site at www.lavueltadebisbee.us
|
Drew Miller is the fucking man.
And in the Masters race, look out for my man, and last years winner,
Doug Loveday.
So what does shit
on ice look like?
| |
From: Big Pun
Subject: Big Pun's Opinion on the matter
Jonny,
Big Pun has a problem with the recent posts from your uptight readers.
Actually, Big Pun has a drinking problem and is refusing to
stop talking about himself in the third type person, but regardless.
Why the hell is it that all of the posts as of late that have
been related to people with the same name have been outright hostile
and arrogant. By that I mean, why is it that both of the last
e-mails dealing with fellas sharing a nickname have eventually
called the other cowboy out to a duel of cycling proportions.
Here's the Pun's problem; if someone were to say to the Pun that
"Hey, shit howdy, my friends call me pun too" the Pun would be
happy, perhaps even joyous. I mean seriously, how great is it
to find someone else named the Big Pun on account of drinking
accomplishments in the cycling community? On that same slow freight
train of thought, How often is it that you can find two dudes
with anything in common like the name Baggadonuts? Dude, Baggadonuts?
What about Baggascones or Baggatoast and don't forget about Baggaapplefritters.
The Big Pun thinks that these fellas should rejoice in the bonding
in brotherhood of that which is Drunkcyclist.com rather than calling
each other out. Less thinkin' More Drinkin' is all that it would
take as far as the Pun is concerned. In conclusion and from the
pragmatic side of the world, Pun feels that your site, through
its amalgamation of Porn, Drinking and Cycling, is a cosmic metaphor
for what the world needs right now whereas the nonsense of calling
out fellow cyclist to competition is energy that could be better
used on sex, drinking, or riding So, all the Big Pun asks for
is an end to the rhetoric of hostilities and a start to a peace
process in the drunkcyclist community that involves more porn
and politics and less of the Gnome's graphic sexual descriptions
and Snake's nonsensical requests for less politics.
Anyhooters, that's all for now. I'd like to thank all of the
distillers who made this possible and Sessa for the Busch beer
that really brought the whole thing together.
Peace out my Ninja,
Biggus Punnus
|
Right on man. Well said. It's all about the love up in here.
And the booze.
I figure Sessa is still partying after Backstedts
win in Roubaix.
POW's on TV a War
Crime?
And, finally, Snakes race reports are showing up again on the pages
of drunkcyclist.
You'd think I'd have to hit him with a hammer to get these fucking
things outta him.
| |
From: Snake
Subject: Redlands
Ok first things first, its not Redlands its called Thunderdome.
For all of those out there who are reading this its a bit late I
know but Big Jonny wanted me write in and give a report on what
its like to get your head kicked in for 6 days straight by all the
"clean D-3" riders in the peloton.
Ha what a fucking joke.
Prolog: 5 Km long. This stage basically sucked. I averaged more
power that I had ever in my life only to lose 1:25 to Horner.
This means that I lost like 16 seconds a Km to Horner. WTF is
all I can say, I thought that I was a decent rider but after that
day fuck it I suck.
Stage 1: 85 miles This day was Thuderdome at it's finest. We
lost 2 of our riders due to crashes in the cross winds. Basically
the moral of the story here is that if you don't ride at or near
the front then you deserved to get dropped and left for dead.
Stage 2: 104 miles. This was Thunderdome at its finest. Wait
didn't I just say that. Well some of my teammates didn't learn
their lesson from the day before so we lost 2 more today. For
all the young riders out there that are reading this when there
are crosswinds don't ride at the back take my word for it.
Stage 3: 63 miles. This is the course that will be used for
the Elite Nationals this year and I can tell you that the rider
that wins here will be climber not an all-rounder. So fuck this
course. I can tell you at one point during the climb it was so
steep that my 25 wasn't enough and I was considering walking because
I thought that it would be faster. Fuck this, but on the bright
side we didn't lose anyone.
Stage 4: the Crit. Well what can I say about this crit. Fast
Fast Fast. And again my teammates don't learn from experience
so when you ride at the back of a big time crit you get dropped.
So we lost 2 more today and we are down to two rider myself and
another.
Stage 5: Well my only teammate got dropped in the first 5 minutes
today so I was all alone. I made it most of the way then got dropped.
In the years past you just ride down to the fire station and you
get a pro-rated time and a finishing GC spot. Well this year I
met the official and he wrote my number down for the GC. Well
by the time I had made the 5 hour drive home and checked the results
I got fucked in the drive through. So Fuck You Mr. Official. I
know who you are and I will see you again this year and when I
do....... Well, lets put it this way, we will have a conversation.
So some quick notes
Number of mental breakdowns during the race 1
Number of starters of Thunderdome 220 or so
Number of finishers of Thunderdome 80 or so
Number of times our team was caught at the back in the crosswinds
at least 20
Number of times I dragged our climber back to the front 19
Number of Bottles of Gatorade that I drank in the race 200
Number of flats that I had ZERO
Number of times Big Johnny called me to write this report at least
15 times
So stop calling me a-hole
|
Ah, the Squealer. I'm still fucking recovering. I feel like a truck
hit me. A beer truck.
And I think once the bastard ran me over, it backed up and ran me
down again for good measure.
Good times.
I've got some pictures up over here.
I'm sure more pics will show up soon.
Funny how I haven't seen one pic of anybody actually riding a bike
yet. Jus drunk people. And me without any pants.
Here's a race report from Philly. I wonder if I'll ever hear from
Snake…
| |
From: Corey the Courier
Subject: Bike Racing is easy
Bike race promotion is tough. I just finished promoting the Philadelphia
2-Day, the PA BAR Association's season opener. It had a circuit
race the first day and crit the second day. There was enormous amounts
of work to get permits, sponsors, support staff and equipment. Vitaminwater
came through big time with liquid refreshment for everyone. Fresh
Philly soft pretzels were had by all as well. The races were on
flat curvy courses a beer drinking sprinter type would love. Too
bad I had to be on point as a promoter. Saturday's race was sunny
and windy. Sunday's race was like a belgian kermesse- rainy, cold
and windy on rough roads. Fortunately, there was a pavilion in the
park where people could hang out to stay dry. My buddy Joe started
a fire in the hearth inside of the pavilion. It made an otherwise
miserable day bearable. Actually, it was fun to stand around the
fire to keep warm. I don't think there have ever been many if any
road races with a bonfire to keep everyone warm. Next year I will
try to upgrade it to a stage race with a TT on Friday afternoon.
I only hope the weather can cooperate for all three days...
Philly Phorever
|
Damn straight.
And this is one of those kinda good news, kinda grim, pretty much
a shitty deal type news reports.
| |
From: FF
Subject: bodies
took a long time, but all the bodies are found now
Hint: Don't snowboard in an avalanche chute in the back country
as the last bit of a five foot snowfall lays down.
sltrib.com/2004/Apr/04122004/utah/156328.asp
|
How 'bout a joke? I haven't done one of those in awhile. Might just
be the right time and place.
| |
From: Tall Paul
Subject: the Indian in training...
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket
of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks
it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it
into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure
in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want
coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your
mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others
to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
|
Sounds like a plan.
Speaking of plans, I ought to go in and sort out those joke pages
one of these days. Ok, tomorrow it is. Maybe. Probably.
Probably not.
| |
From: Tony Baggadonuts
Subject: hooked on phonics
I have two g's and you only have one.
enough said, get over yourself, end of story, period.
By the way, your friend needs to get 'hooked on phonics.'
Just a tip from an educated fool...
Very best regards,
Tony Baggadonuts |
You just can't argue with a man a polite as that.
| |
From: John
Subject: Big Jonny vs Big Johnny
Yo Big Jonny, your worst fears have come there are indeed two Big
Johnny's, only I'm big Johnny, so I guess, you can breathe slightly
easier. Although I think I'd drop you if you ever came up to ride
in march or april around here, but no one really wants to do that
so ah never mind...
Oh yeah, and here's some porn to tide you over:
almightyzeus.com/gals/monique/alexander/
|
Another big jonny? Say it isn't so. At least it isn't this bullshit.
I've been playing a little game here at the house. I call it "I don't
really need to go to the store yet".
Here's how you play it: Fridge look empty? Cupboards bare? Fuck that.
You got one more box of Mac & Cheese. No more soy milk? Sissy. Eat that
cereal dry. Out of peanut butter? Then eat a jelly sandwich.
See where I'm going with this? Its called starvation. And, boy is
it fun.
Enough of this big talk. I think I'm going to the store tonight.
I'm fucking hungry.
Check this out for a few laughs.
| |
From: fucking fink
Subject: funny ass shit floating around cyberspace
Dear President Bush:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
Law. I have learned a great deal from you, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to
defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind
them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...
End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them...
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male
and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be
a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she
is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness. (Lev.15:19-24) The
problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women
take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is,
my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should
I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do
it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish
is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees'
of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God
if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room
here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including
the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead
pig makes me unclean. But may I still play football if I wear
gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn
them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.
|
Oh, the confusion of growing up Catholic. I guess could always just
do as I did: Throw your hands up and say fuck all.
Did you know each gallery category at iamtrouble
comes with a free preview? And there are 10 categories, including a
video section. Now that's a party waiting to happen.
Adam says this link
will drive you nuts. I think he may be right.
I usually don't have too much time to fuck around with shit like that
for more than a few minutes. I found a couple of keys, like three. Opened
some drawers, found a cd, some paper bullshit and never did get the
door open.
You got me how that one ends. I only hope it involves some kick ass
naked
shit when it all wraps up.
And if you think that's fucked up, check out this:
| |
From: Chris
Subject: Abstract shit
Hey big Johnny! Just wanted to send you some more abstract shit..hehe,
the UK bird bomb….history1900s.about.com
|
Um, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
| |
From: GRAF
Subject: Big Tex
You posted:
From: Big Tex
Subject: San Diego
Hello all Just a little update:
I'm in San Diego working at the Olympic Training Center for a
few weeks and even rooming with Eddie B. We're coaching the Paralympic
cycling team along with Jim Lehman and Craig Griffen.
My friend Stu Flachs got crippled by a drunk driver 10 years
ago. He's out there now training. He won a couple of golds last
year. He rides a 40 lb trike with an upwind cross section you
wouldn't believe and pushes it around 32 - 34 mph !!!!!!!!!
Tell your buddy, Big Tex, to tell him Graf Carlson and the SBW
boys say "break a leg" .
Props to everyone who donates time out there, too.
|
Word up. I'll just let you tell him.
| |
From: Jeff from Massachusetts
Subject: You think your winter sucks!
Hey Big J~
I read your diatribe about how winter sucks in Arizona. Try living
in New England where you have the heat on for 8 months straight
and the snow still hasn't completely melted! Like an idiot who couldn't
take it anymore I went out on my Kona last weekend because it was
almost 40 degrees out and within twenty minutes got stuck in shin
deep frozen slime. Yeah, that was pleasant. I couldn't feel my feet
for a while and the boys weren't too happy either.
We all choose where we live to some extent, so just sit on your
rollers until it warms up enough for you to go outside. Hey, when
are they going to make a naked spinnervals video featuring all
women? That would make the time go by quicker.
|
I'm glad I don't have to deal with frozen slime. I could probably
go out and find some if I looked for it. And I'd have to really hunt
for it. We don't have all that much in the way of water. Instead of
that, I'll just drive south a couple of hours and hit up the sunshine.
I damn near gave myself heatstroke this last Saturday. How's that
for some winter time action? Using sunscreen and wearing short sleeves.
Ho ho, I've got it too good to know the difference. Ain't I just a
stupid ass?
My man Brian though ya'll might enjoy some free porn. Seems he might
be on to something. Check out neox3.
This is old
news, but you just have to read it again. I simply cannot believe
it.
Not sure if I linked this one
or not. Not sure I should.
Can you believe Magnus Backstedt won Paris-Roubaix?
I didn't see that coming. What a great ride by Backstedt. Good lookin
out.
And my heart broke for Museeuw.
I, like many of you, read about online today. I guess they did televise
an hour of coverage on OLN, but I knew who won by then.
Best TPM
update ever.
Oh great, the Sixer's just got eliminated
from playoff contention.
I wonder if this is the end for Iverson in Philly?
Might be time to start changing up the line up.
I just got home from Phoenix. Another fine Squealer
in the history books.
I gave it hell on the climbs, didn't crash, didn't flat, and took
twenty minutes off last years time. I was a bit off the winners pace,
but I'm cool with it. Lets just say I had a good time.
So good, in fact, I can't remember half the shit that happened. There
was a whole lot of drinking that afternoon and evening. And I don't
mind telling you many of the high placed finishers put in a good six
hours of post-ride boozing.
That'll lead to some blurry moments. I've been laughing to myself
all day as I remember stupid thing after stupid thing from yesterday.
I know I was on a horse at some point. There was also some chaps wearing
on my part. Nothing quite like dropping your drawers and getting buckled
up by one of the woman bartenders. Or was is it one of the bar owners?
Me and Scooby with no fucking pants on, drunk as hell. Good times.
My head is turned inside out and I'm going to bed. I can't even think
straight enough to type.
I'm sure people will be emailing me pictures of my naked ass acting
a fool by Monday evening.
The Squealer
is tomorrow. Here I am trying to get the fuck out of Dodge on a Friday
afternoon. God damn, can a brother get a table dance?
"You pay in gas, grass, or ass," he
says. "I don't smoke weed, my tank is full, and nobody rides for
free."
I am so ready to get the fuck out of here. Straight to the email then.
| |
From: kylan
Subject: niki gudex
Game Over. This girl wins. Greatest thing to ever exist. Ever.
nikigudex.com/index.htm
This is too good for it to never have been on the site before, but
I haven't seen it yet… |
I've linked her before, and damnit, I'll like her again.
Um. Yeah. Check this out.
| |
From: jp
Subject: naked ride
Thought you might like to post a link to this on your site. Looks
like a worthwhile cause and a damn good time. By the way your site
kicks ass. Corporate bocks most of the links, but they miss one
every now and then. Keep up the fight.
worldnakedbikeride.org/
|
Yep. Linked it before. And God damn it, I'll link it again.
| |
From: Jon S.
Subject:
Hey big Jonny,
First off, I just wanted to say we here at the Missing
Link (Berkeley, CA) love drunkcyclist.com, but we (I) just wanted
to point out that we have been around since 1973 (our racing team
since '95), and we'd just like to sat that we are the original Missing
Link!
No offence to the guy's in AZ.
|
You mean there is two Missing Links? Jeez. Is nothing scared?
Speaking of Missing
Link, there was some interesting goings on with their website linking
mine. Wacky fun antics.
And I just found out there is two Tony Bagadonuts. Or, Baggadonuts.
Er, something.
Just check out the emails.
| |
From: Tony Bagadonuts
Subject:
Jonny,
Like the Ox (who I swilled many free beers with), I was appalled
that you CHOSE to bug out on the biggest MTB beer bash Arizona (or
New Mexico) has ever seen. For that reason I have no remorse for
the full bum-rush for DC swag that Uncle Fester and I put on as
you attempted to sneak away. And who's ride were you in? My grandma
used to have a car like that, but she said it made her feel "Old".
Thanks for the socks (my girlie Natalia claimed them right away)
and the coozie (all mine). I think I remember Fester giving you
cash. Hopefully it was enough.
On to the drama:
Today one of our ever-absent teammates sent an email questioning
the link from our team site to yours. He contended that he tells
people about the Missing Link website and that they might be turned
away by our affiliation with your "Porn" site, or perhaps even
get in trouble in the workplace. I contend that he came off as
a self righteous hypocritical ASS!
Many responses were made in defense of the DC link and it's
value, but none of them really said what needs to be said:
* If a stupid link on a website can turn you away from our team,
keep on moving. We didn't want you anyway.
* If Porn (you chose to view) can turn you away from our team,
keep on moving. We REALLY didn't want you.
* You do not HAVE TO click on every link you see (especially if
it says something like "Lesbians Rule")
* Computers in the workplace are NOT a safe place to browse ANY
non work related websites (Porn or not).
* Computers with access to the web should only be used by adults
and supervised or responsible minors.
* Don't act like your puritanical beliefs are more valid than
my beliefs.
* Show up at a race an bend an elbow with big Jonny. Then shut
up.
* Don't be such a hypocrite, we knew you back when you....
Have fun in the sun in Tucson this weekend. It will be cold
here in NM but I'm not complaining. It's warmer than Minnesota.
|
Hey, leave my car out of this!
Thanks for representing.
A bit later I get another email, from Tony Baggadonuts. I start yapping
at him about New Mexico…
| |
From: Tony Baggadonuts
Subject: RE: putz
No...I never lived in NM...However, My folks own a sizeable ranch
(360 acres) 15 miles south of Taos. I'm Stoney...born and raised
in Scottsdale, AZ. I worked at P&T with Jeff, Mike, Brian, Jason,
Andy, Jason, Gena, and Jess...ring any bells? |
Um. Yeah.
Bells are a ringin'. In my head.
I'm starting to think I'm crazy at this point. Didn't I just drink
beer with this guy a week ago?
On to the next one.
| |
From: Tony Bagadonuts
Subject: RE: Tony Bagadonuts Vs Tony Baggadonuts
Jonny,
It looks like there are at least 2 of us out here that go by the
satchel of doughnuts moniker. So you don't confuse us in person,
I'm the one from NM who races for Missing Link Racing and Beer Drinking
Team, and sends you useless ranting e-mails on various (usually
cycling related) subjects. The other TB must have better internet
access and more free time because he tends to send the porn. I don't
know what kind of cyclist he might be, but I'll take him on. He
obviously doesn't spend enough time in the saddle (come to think
of it, neither do I).
Well if you're gonna post something, make sure he knows I'm
calling him out (to race, drink, snap one off or whatever). What
a non-hetero way to spell Bag of Donuts (BaGGadonuts?...Why not
make it FaGGadonuts?). There see? Now we have the makings of a
little rivalry/controversy. I hope he calls me a pussy. That would
be the appropriate response from the pornlinkmaster.
Oh yeah, I'll take the beating I'm asking for if he's man enough
to dispense it. The gauntlet has been thrown down.
See you at the keg after the race. I think we'll have our own
over at the MLR camp. Tony (The REAL Bagadonuts)
P.S. I didn't CHOOSE to be THE Bagadonuts. I was given the name
(hated it) and now it's with me forever.
|
Ladies and Gentlemen: It's all about the love at drunkcyclist.com.
Just when I thought I was really fucking losing it, there turns out
to be two of them. Well kick me in horseshit and call me smelly.
Think there's more than two big jonny's in the world?
Will wonders ever cease?
| |
From: Arto
Subject: 24 hour charity tour in Finland
Hi, Jonny This in 5:th time we have fun 24 hours in Lohja woods.
In 2003 we donated 20.000 € and this year we are going to make same
amount. Ca. 100 mtb-teams and few solos are making this up. Please
check our new homepage ( mtb-lohja.com
), you can find english section in "uusimmat jutut". |
Right on, sounds good to me.
| |
From: Masiumi
Subject: Fear Factor
Hey, I was on Fear Factor last night... here are some bootleg copies
of the show! I don't have the first part with the oil tanker, but
here is the second and last part!
masuimi-eatsbug22.wmv
masuimidrivescar22.wmv
|
Damn girl, you ate a bug.
I think I'd rather get knocked down the hill in a car than eat a fucking
big ass bug. Shit fire, that's nasty.
Here's Corey the Courier's race report from the RELoad Bike Messenger
Race. Snake could take a lesson from this timely entry.
| |
From: Corey the Courier
Subject: RE: 986.2
Damn that was a tough race. At the first of many checkpoints the
twisted bastards started off by saying: "There are many cups here
some are filled with vodka others water. Choose wisely. Drink one
and then a beer." I chose, took a gulp and got booze. We then had
to put our foreheads on a short stick and then spin around it five
times. My buddy told me after the finish all of the cups had vodka.
Fuckers. |
Right on. I only hope the Squealer
is half as fun.
I'm pretty sure it will be.
One more and I'm fucking out of here.
| |
From: Bob
Subject: April 9th
Hey Jonny,
I hope you're not just gonna let April 9th slide by with no mention
at all... imdb.com/name/nm0001398/
|
Good save. I had no idea…
I was thinking of shit like this.
Ok, look for an update late Sunday. Have a nice weekend.
One more day to the squealer.
You ready?
I'll tell you this much, I'm ready to get my drink on.
Word.
I know this whole website thing is working out when I roll into the
spot for a take out twelve pack and my man Brian tells me how cool that
tour
was I mentioned on Tuesday. And how he's thinking about doing it.
Now that is all right.
Funny how railing down a couple of Coors just makes ya feel all right.
It did me anyway.
Check these guys out for some serious touring, down
the road.
I've been running a link to that site for a while now. But, I don't
remember to check it out as often as I should.
How 'bout that Condoleezza Rice? What a card.
Did you catch her in front of the 9-11 commission today? Jeez. Makes
me feel like River
Dancing.
You can watch it on video on this webpage.
The story is worth reading, and the link is about half the way down
the page on the left hand side.
| |
From: Tall Paul
Subject: How to hypnotize us men in 2 simple steps!!
How to hypnotize a guy in 2 simple steps:
Instructions:
1) click on the link below (Or copy & paste into
browser)
2) Click on the picture, and drag it a little
to the right, or
left, or up, right ... what
ever you prefer!
and then drop it....... and
watch...
mxfiles.kneib.biz/drag_and_go_back_spezial.html
|
Oh my, that is a bit distracting isn't it? What? I was watching that
ass swing back and forth, up and down, uhhhh. Shake it like a salt shaker!
| |
From: m
Subject: my take
ok, here is my take on this shit
velonews.com/news/fea/5825.0.html
... this is an "attempt" to pull the big jonny genre of writing
into velonews, and be hip and cool ... and you know what .. it suks,
almost unreadable .... just crap ... compared to your stuff, this
is just shit writing ...
you way better, like dog ... and dog good, like dog ....
|
Yeah, but he's all pro and shit.
And I'm just a fat drunk liberal piece of shit.
And, hey, would you look at that, the Flyers beat
the Devils. Right on. At least something is going my way.
Read this.
| |
From: PDPMEP
Subject: worlds best bike auction
Copake New York is new Mass/CT border - about 2 hours from NYC.
little country auction house that just happens to have the MOST
incredible auction. Ya really have to see it to believe it - 5-10-$20000
as they should be! what do cars and motos go for at auction? more
fun than sweating out and LOSING an ebay auction.
this year they have incredible ballon bikes including shaft
drive Elgin and a collection of TdF stuff from passed on former
Winning writer Mathew Mantell - audio interviews, videos, signed
jerseys. Stuff can go for REAL money and some almost reasonably.
Hey if you are a bike junkie you know its not about price really.
They take bids over the phone Catalog is $25 bike and worth it
- almost items
sample, check it out here: copakeauction.com/bicycles/2004bicycle-preview.html
|
Holy shit. Check out this bike, a 1937
Mercury. That thing is sweet.
It's a good thing I don't have any money, 'cause I'd just end up spending
it on that bullshit.
| |
From: michael
Subject: garrett wonders follow up
i hated to read the story about james warmowski in florida and i
do hope that justice is served with more than a slap on the wrist.
almost 4 weeks after the death of our friend here in south carolina
we still are waiting for some form of closure. the positive news
is that the case will be heard by a grand jury to decide on charges
sometime in may. we are hoping for possible vehicular manslaughter
vs. some lame-ass reckless driving bullshit but this is fucking
south carolina where the car is king. another positive note is the
way the tragedy has brought us together as a unified group. we've
been able to develop media contacts in most mediums, collected signatures
asking the state government to look into the issue of shoulders
and even bike lanes (check out bikelanes.org), developing bike safety
programs for school children and producing a public service announcement
on bicyclist rights and motorist education. it's a long, hard road
in this state but it's a start. |
I'm trying. I'm trying to write something worth a shit.
Man, the car is king everywhere. A couple of years ago, a kid, nice
guy, fast as hell, got killed here in Flagstaff.
He was on the shoulder, in the bike lane. And he got hit.
The girl that hit him wasn't charged.
Something about the sun in her eyes.
Makes ya sick inside. Just gets your guts all up in a knot thinking
about it.
I talked with his parents this summer when they came through town.
The years haven't made it any easier on them.
Or any of us.
His name was Jamie Fallon.
Thanks for sharing that story about Garrett.
I did a google search for anything on Jamie. Actually, I was thinking
I may have misspelled his name.
I found a webpage about another Jamie
Fallon who was killed on September 11 th at the Pentagon.
I don't know about ya'll, but I'm about to tear into the second half
of this bottle of wine. Call me what you will, but at least I can find
my crutch when I need it.
I've got nothing tonight. And I mean it. Nothing.
We all crack from time to time. And I cracked today. I think its been
raining for the last ten days. I can't fucking stand it anymore. The
little things started to really piss me off. I thought I lost something,
it doesn't matter what it was, and I almost put my head through a wall.
Yeah, real clear thinking.
Rode the rollers for an hour watching the '94 Giro for the 400th time.
Pantani's first win as a pro. Then his second win a day later. It was
good to see him as a young rider, just starting to come into his own.
Good stuff. And then you've got that nut case Djamolidine
Abdoujaparov bringing the pain. Man, he could turn it on.
You want to take out some anger on the bike? Do it big jonny style.
An extra long ride home ain't doin' shit. You need some real work. Set
up the trainer in your living room, pop in a tape, and throw down.
I'm sure about a hundred of you cats that will read this tomorrow
have been doing the same thing all winter.
Bring on spring already. I'm sick of this shit.
Check out the upcoming
events over on the message boards. Some good times in the works.
How 'bout some info on the cancelled race in Payson last Saturday?
| |
From: Gen Garan
Subject: MBAA PAYSON RACE
PAYSON RIDERS:
SAFETY FIRST. God decided the rain was necessary. The amount
of rain had a major impact on the course. A major concern was
that rescue vehicles could not safely negotiate the course. This
would be a major concern for any rider who might not have been
able to complete the course and need help. There was no way to
shorten the course. The distance to be covered under the conditions
of the day held a high potential for a substantial number of riders
not being able to complete the course riding thus needing help
in getting to the finish line. The potential for hypothermia --
a potentially serious medical condition -- was considered to be
high.
The decision to not hold the race was based on the concern for
individual safety and well being.
As best we know the cancellation of a race is unprecedented
within the MBAA point series. The MBAA board will need to meet
to determine the impact of this cancellation on the point series,
both from a point standing and economic view point. If you have
a suggestion/solution, feel free to voice it in a return e-mail
to this address.
Those who signed up but did not get your T-shirt or goodie bag
can do so at the MBAA Booth at Gardner Canyon -- see you there.
The Board will be back in touch as soon as possible with a resolution
of the various issues caused by the cancellation of the race.
Thanks for your patience and support.
|
I live in Arizona. Want to see where I live? This is where I ride.
Just like Wayne. Make sure to keep clicking "next" to get a proper idea
of what's what.
Sweet baby Jesus, not a day goes by I don't find another pimpin' ride.
Check out the Surly 1 x 1 in pink.
God damn, that shit is fine.
I just got back from building up my new Kona Unit. It's boss. I ran
into some issues, as one usually does when you take one bike apart to
build another. Tonight was no exception.
Lucky for me I have friends who like to trade stuff for other stuff.
So it all worked out in the end. Sorta. Still some loose ends. But the
important part is that I rode home on a bike.
Kinda cool, actually. Cruising through town at midnight, blowing red
lights. Had a messenger bag with parts that didn't work, two tires over
my shoulder and my old frame.
I'd say the frame was over my shoulder, but it really felt like it
was more around my neck, if you know what I'm saying.
Big ups to Kona. I like my new Unit even more than my last one. And
I would have thought that wasn't possible.
Tonight's big news: Big Tex and Mar-ska are tying the knot.
It's a day late, actually. But I had to clear the whole "can I post
that on the site" deal first. I'm such a class act.
| |
From: Big Tex
Subject: San Diego
Hello all Just a little update:
I'm in San Diego working at the Olympic Training Center for a few
weeks and even rooming with Eddie B. We're coaching the Paralympic
cycling team along with Jim Lehman and Craig Griffen.
Anyway, Marcia flew out for our 4 year anniversary to get some beach
time. During her stay, I got sick of waiting for her to propose
to me and presented her with a ring. I took her too the beach because
I knew the likely hood of a "yes" would be good near the water.
She accepted my proposal and we celebrated the past couple of days.
The timing is right and we're both very excited. No date yet but
get ready some time this year for good party. |
I hear that wedding will be in Texas. It's always about Texas with
that guy. Jeez.
Well, right on man. Way to step up to the plate. Congrats from all
of us at drunkcyclist.com.
And by "all" I mean me.
Call me a one man army. A beer killing machine. Or is that Big Pun?
I hear that wedding will be in Texas. It's always about Texas with
that guy. Jeez.
I mentioned yesterday the new and improved ASS
(Arizona Single Speeds) page is up and running. Check it out one time.
I think it has a lot of potential. We're trying to build it into a community
of sorts. We'll see what happens.
One more and I'm out.
| |
From: Patrick
Subject: Re: Kirsten Gumm's Guns
Hope the 30 mile ride wasn't too wet and snowy.
This morning was beautiful here for a ride, but bike is going to
the shop. I neglected to mention a wonderfully funny mishap yesterday.
I coach lacrosse here. I have a little "lacrosse" backpack that
has a fabric tube sewn into it to put the shaft of the lacrosse
stick into to carry it without having to actually holding the
stick in your hand. Problem is, it isn't a true backpack as there
is only one strap, going from the top right to bottom left. The
bag is designed to be worn like a musette bag. Got on the bike,
started to ride to practice. Realized my front brake was off center
and rubbing. Reached down to adjust it, and I'm sure you can imagine
what happened next...
Yes, the damn bag spun on my torso and I watched as the lacrosse
stick traveled right into my front wheel. Luckily, I was going
only about 20 KPH, so I was able to preemptively tuck myself so
broken collarbone land would not be visited. Although it does
not hold the same traumatic nor career value as Armstrong catching
his handlebar on a tour Musette bag, I went on to pick myself
up, pick the bike up and throw the bike across the street.
I later found out one of the coaches on the next level of lacrosse,
who lives down the street from me, heard a loud crash, and looked
up from his weekly truck detailing duties to see me throwing my
bike across the street. Had to vent somehow.
Anyway, just got back from the final regular season Panthers
game to watch them give away 4 goals, score 6 straight, then give
2 more away and then play a lame OT to tie their regular season
finale...oh well. Plenty of EtOH here to douse my woes. However,
there was plenty of MILF and Amber Bock to douse my sadness.
|
Maybe to could strap that thing to you top tube and just spear pedestrians
with it?
Two upcoming regional event you do not want to miss are the Squealer
and the Whiskey.
I'm telling ya. Good times will be had. Sure, I've given you all of
four days to sign up for the Squealer.
I have faith in ya, baby. You can do it.
As of today, there are spots left in both events, and they are going
fast. Check out some of Arizona's finest. You won't be disappointed.
Speaking of Arizona's finest, the new and improved ASS
(Arizona Single Speeds) webpage is up and running. We've got plans,
bit plans. ASS style of course.
We're bringing the pain.
Believe that.
More details to follow.
| |
From: Jon
Subject: sitting here in limbo
I promised to let you all know when I found out more about the tumor
that I had surgery on. Thank you all for your support! It has been
wonderful to read all of your kind emails, and to know that you
are with me during this ordeal. Your support has made a tremendous
difference!
The surgery went very well, and I am recovering quickly. The
initial results of the pathology that they did showed some sort
of "neoplasm," which I've come to understand is a bunch of cells
that don't look quite right. I have been trying to focus on regaining
my lifestyle after the surgery, which takes my mind off of the
uncertainty and the lack of diagnosis as of yet. I was actually
able to go for a short 4 mi. run today, but I must admit that
there were some periods of walking. It'll be hard to regain my
form for the marathon.
I had another appointment with my surgeon on Friday. But, unfortunately,
I am still in limbo. I did not get the pathology report, as I
had hoped. I did meet with my surgeon to go over the other results.
He showed me the CT scan, which is really cool! They use a computer
program that showed an image of my body from a bird's eye view
and in cross section. Using the mouse, you can move the white
line in the plan view and scroll through the cross section of
my body. He showed me the spots on the lungs and the lymph node
that has become enlarged. When I asked if the big, triangular
dark area in my abdomen was my stomach, he said that it was not
my stomach, but my liver. I was happy to learn that my liver is
big, healthy, and strong! But we have to wait until the pathologist
can identify the cells in the tumor before I know whether it was
cancer, and if so, what kind it is.
As you might imagine, it is hard to wait for a diagnosis right
now. I would like to know what, if any, treatment is necessary.
I want to know what caused the tumor that they had to remove surgically.
Although I have faced the risk of having cancer since I discovered
the small bump on my testicle, it is harder to be so close to
a diagnosis somehow. I want to be able to focus on the next steps.
It has been equally hard for my parents to go through this period
of uncertainty with me.
But my doctors have stressed the importance of making the proper
diagnosis! To paraphrase my urologist, we have to know what it
is before we pull the trigger on it. It is comforting, knowing
that I have an excellent urologist, and one of the best pathologists
in the southwest on my team. Hopefully, he will have the results
soon. And I'll close by reiterating my promise to let you know
more when I find out!
|
We at drunkcyclist.com thing the world of Jon. And by we, I mean me.
Seriously folks, he's a good guy, and seeing him go through something
like this makes us all feel a little more mortal.
And he's still planning on doing the Boston Marathon after having
a testicle removed.
That man is hard as nails.
What the fuck? "I'm temporarily yours. Call us for our winter block
buster rates." Check it out here.
In the spirit of fairness, I'm going to post what can only be called
a dissenting email.
| |
From: Joe
Subject: economic recovery
From your April 1, 2004 post referencing economic rebound…..
"I thought that was improbable at best. A long shot. Not much
chance at that happening."
April 1 (Bloomberg) -- A U.S. manufacturing index unexpectedly
rose last month as production increased and more factories added
workers than at any time since Ronald Reagan was president.
``Plain and simple, this report tells us that the manufacturing
sector is smoking,'' said Stephen Stanley, chief economist at
RBS Greenwich Capital in Greenwich, Connecticut. ``The breadth
of the expansion as well as its speed is breathtaking.''
The Institute for Supply Management's factory index for March
rose to 62.5, close to a two-decade high of 63.6 in January, from
61.4. The index has now exceeded 50, signaling expansion, for
11 months. The number of Americans filing initial unemployment
claims dropped to 342,000 last week from a revised 345,000 and
producer prices rose less than expected in February, the Labor
Department said in Washington.
The purchasing managers' employment index rose to 57, the highest
since December 1987, from 56.3 the prior month. That bolsters
speculation that tomorrow's monthly jobs report will show the
first gains for manufacturing since July 2000. Total employment
is projected to rise by 120,000 workers, the most since December
2000, according to the median forecast in a Bloomberg News survey
of economists.
Read the whole thing………..
quote.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=71000001&refer=us&sid=a.1MWgSskH6M
Here's some more………..
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. employment rose last month at the
fastest pace in nearly four years as hiring increased across a
wide array of industries, the government said on Friday in a surprisingly
strong report that stunned financial markets.
"All in all, this is a very strong report," said Kurt Karl,
head of research at Swiss Re in New York. "This is a number that
everyone has been waiting for."
"It bodes well for the economy going forward," he said.
Job gains were widespread across industries.
news.myway.com/top/article/id/63342|top|04-02-2004::10:05|reuters.html
No matter how good the economy is there will always be someone
out of work. 5.6% unemployment was a miracle during Clinton's
run for office but 5.6% under Bush is a disaster. Go figure.
President Bush's spending has received a lot of criticism but
Mr. John F'en Kerry's plan to raise taxes and spend trillions
probably won't help either………..
According to the non-partisan National Taxpayers Union, as of
March 8 Kerry has proposed a whopping $2.76 trillion in new spending
over the next 10 years.
Citizens Against Government Waste describes Kerry as "hostile
to taxpayers," giving him a score of 13 percent for 2003, and
a lifetime score of just 25 percent. Meanwhile, NTU has given
Kerry an "F" in its "Rating of Congress" for every year but one
since it began the ratings in 1992. NTU also calculated that Kerry
voted to approve $218 billion in new spending and proposed $45.2
billion in new spending in the 107th Congress alone.
nationalreview.com/nrof_comment/conda_schlecht200404020826.asp
The democratic underground, moveOn.org and Noam Chompsky whatever
are on the lunatic fringe. Slow down, think logically, stay away
from those nut heads and you'll be OK.
|
I read all of it. You can to if you feel up to it. I pretty much busted
up laughing when I read that John Kerry is the "The Fiscally Promiscuous
Candidate". I mean, shit, who isn't? They all play fast and loose with
the numbers. And, you can't tell me BushCo hasn't reshuffled the deck
a couple of times on us already.
God damn, that shit is funny. I can't make up shit that good. And
believe me, I try.
Of course, you can find nice little tidbits in there, like "While
the economy climbed out of recession in November 2001, employment has
yet to regain its pre-recession peak."
Yeah. Not such good news after all. Dance in the street if you want
to, but coming into the fourth quarter of the BushCo Bowl, we're still
down a million and a half jobs.
And, I hope the economy explodes. I really do. But I don't see it
happening under Bush. Instead, I see Iraq exploding. Good thing I'm
drinkin Chianti out of a pint glass, or I might say something rash.
How 'bout this one? We're
more productive. Who gets the money? An interesting question. At
least I think it is. But, we all know I'm a fucking wussy liberal.
I also hope everyone dumps their Hummers and gets into cycling. But,
fuck man, I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon either.
And wouldn't it be nice if we could ride on a public street with getting
fucking killed?
| |
From: gigantor
Subject: wacky idea
hi--thought you'd appreciate this.
I heard a Bush ad today in Massachusetts attacking Kerry that
began "Some people have the wacky idea that we should raise taxes
on gasoline--and make people drive less..." It goes on and on
in typical fashion implying that driving loud and proud is a god-given
right. I find it so tragi-comic that after undoubtedly focus-group
testing a bunch of ad concepts, the Bush folks have identified
their base as the 'right to drive' folks....ugh. one more vote
for getting that EU passport and getting the heck out of here...
|
Ah jeez. Gasoline, ladies and gentleman. The precious gas.
Send your sons and daughter out to die for it. Sell your souls for
it.
Sell our souls.
Fuck that shit. We should be able to take the train, the bus, the
bicycle. There is no reason a country such as ours should be so dependent,
nay, addicted to the automobile.
Now, I'll not take this as far as others might. I own a car. And I
do drive it from time to time. Like, when I want to go to Tucson, I
drive. I could ride by bike there. But, it'd take me two friggin days.
And I've slept in enough ditches.
Which begs the question: Can one every sleep in enough ditches?
If there was a train which could cart me and the, what seems like,
couple of hundred thousand idiots clogging up I-17, Arizona's north
west interstate, I would take it in a heart beat. You can drink in the
train. You don't have to think on a train. You just step on, hang out,
and step off in a different place.
It's great, and in my county, the powers that be decided that option
should no longer exist. Try taking a train somewhere. You'll pay more
than it would cost to fly on a plane.
And which industry receives more federal funding? Check it out sometime.
You'll find yourself sitting alone at 7,000 feet, running a porn/cycling
site, drinking wine out of a Salsa pint glass.
Attention potential sponsors: I could be drinking out of your pint
glass tomorrow.
One more and I'm out.
| |
From: JGH
Subject: Da Bomb Bikes Ready to Blow Up
For immediate release
DA BOMB BIKES LAUNCH USA MISSION
DA BOMB BIKES are 26" designs inspired by and built for Freeride,
Downhill, Dirt Jumping & Street. The product line currently is
focusing on the aftermarket with hardtail and suspension framesets,
wheelsets and various other purpose-built components such as hubs,
bars stems saddles pedals and cranks.
DA BOMB's focus is providing consumers a fresh high-quality
alterative to what is currently offered, at an affordable price
with good retail margins. A little known brand in the USA, Da
Bomb Bikes has been supplying Europe and Asia for almost a decade
with solid designs and original graphics.
The partnership between DLXmarketing and On the Edge Distribution
seeks to gain more exposure through IBDs as well as selected mail
order companies throughout north America to provide the consumer
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|
I don't really care about bikes with 7 inches of rear travel, but
check out that little 9
to 1 gadget.
Well, hello sexy. What do you do?
Holy shit! Steffen Wesemann won the Tour of Flanders!
Read all about it over at cyclingnews
and velonews.
Makes me feel a whole lot better about seeing him on the shootout,
seeing him turn the screw and then my fat ass gets blown out the back
like nobodies business. That fucking guy is strong. Like, stupid strong.
Guys I know that were able to last a whole lot longer than I did tell
me it didn't get any easier. Wesemann just piles it on.
I guess that's what it takes to win a Classic.
Good looking out, Steffen. You are the fucking man.
Sure, I bet a ten spot on VDB and he was nowhere at the end. But,
all the favorites were nowhere. They were to busy watching each other,
instead of just getting on with it.
God damn, I love the Classics.
Did ya'll catch this
one back on the first? Fun stuff.
Another time fuck. Check out the copter
game. Yeah, it looks retarded, but it gets friggin hard after a while.
Today, I got a wild hair up my ass (to go with the cactus thorns)
and drove down into the Verde Valley to check out that General Crooks
Highway. I parked off the interstate, kitted up and pointed that baby
west. I'm not sure how many miles I rode all together, but I lasted
11 miles on the climb.
I'm not sure how much farther it goes, but it sure as fuck keeps on
going. Apparently to the end of the earth. Or, Stawberry.
Whichever comes first.
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From: John
Subject: RE:
yeah, i read that shizznit, but on the tip of what they knew, i
gots a link you might find interesting (don't you love how all these
people you never met feel the need to inundate you with links?!).
anyways, here it is:
commondreams.org/headlines04/0402-01.htm
sorry to be another clog in your e-mail server....have a good day,
and thanks for all the great posts. |
Email server be damned, full speed ahead.
And that is one scary article. Kinda makes me loose sleep if I think
about this shit to much.
Who am I kidding? I sleep like the dead.
Now, this next article
by Bruce Barcott on the NY Times website ought to get you madder than
hell. At least it did me. It's long, and it's dry, like a big 'ol glass
of gin.
Ummm, gin.
Maybe that's what I should do tonight? Drink gin.
Some bad news out of Florida.
| |
From: Carl
Subject: cyclist death in Jacksonville, Florida
Just forwarding this to inform you of an ongoing case here in northeast
Florida. Green Cove Springs is a small community just south of Jacksonville.
Gotta love the club name. Carl.
To: VeloBrew Cycling Club Members
Subject: A letter from Chris Burns Dear fellow club members:
I am sure you remember the tragic bicycle accident where prominent
local cyclist and triathlete, James Warmowski, was killed on July
14, 2002. I have had the honor of serving as his family's lawyer.
At the time of his death, he was riding his bicycle with his helmet
on, training for the Hawaii Ironman, just south of Green Cove
Springs on Highway 17. He and his bicycle were all the way off
the road, completely on the shoulder, but even that didn't make
him safe. A car being driven by Palatka resident, Leonard Peacock,
veered out of the right lane, onto the shoulder, and collided
with him from behind. He was killed instantly. For months, the
Clay County State Attorneys' Office patiently investigated the
circumstances of the accident. Blood samples from the driver,
Leonard Peacock, showed that he had illegal drugs in his system
at the time. Further toxicologic investigation showed Mr. Peacock
was clearly intoxicated by these drugs at the time of the crash.
In addition, Mr. Peacock was returning from a visit to a Jacksonville
methadone clinic, where he had ingested methadone.
The Clay County State Attorney's Office, the Clay County Sheriff's
Office, and particularly lead prosecutor Dan Skinner should be
commended for their efforts in investigation and prosecution.
After charges for vehicular homicide were brought against Mr.
Peacock, he decided to plead "no contest" to the charges last
week. Mr. Peacock's plea was his recognition that Mr. Skinner
would likely receive a jury verdict of "guilty" against him at
trial.
There will be a sentencing hearing on April 29, 2004 at the
Clay County Courthouse at 1:30 p.m. At that time, Judge Wilkes
will hear testimony and arguments regarding the type of jail sentence,
if any, which Mr. Peacock will receive. Mr. Warmowski's parents
and sister will be here from Chicago. It would be extremely helpful
for the courtroom to be filled by Jim Warmowski's supporters and
by those concerned about the rights of cyclists. This case is
a breakthrough for cyclists who have been victims of accidents
in our area. It can be the springboard for more attention to be
directed to the safety concerns of cyclists. Frequently, the offending
motor vehicle drivers in bicycle accidents have escaped criminal
prosecution of or other punishment. We need to show Judge Wilkes
and the greater community that we care! Please come to the hearing!!!!!
Each of you would have enjoyed and respected Jim Warmowski,
if you had gotten the opportunity to meet him. He was a distinguished
athlete. He completed the Ironman in Hawaii several times. He
successfully completed numerous marathons and other running, cycling
and swimming events. But more important to me is the below:
In the eighteen years I have been an attorney, I do not believe
I have represented a finer individual than James Warmowski, the
victim of this senseless motor vehicle crash. Lieutenant Commander
James T. Warmowski was a Naval officer of almost unparalleled
accomplishment. He was also a son of undying love, servitude and
respect for his parents. He was a credit to his family, the military,
to his many friends, to all of us. Our earth is a lesser world
without Lt. Cdr. Warmowski.
Thanks for your help,
Christopher G. Burns, Esquire
|
Ah jeez. Its seems I can't go a month without another letter like
this. My heart goes out to the friends and family of James Warmowski.
Sad, sad news.
If you're in the area, going to the Hearing would be the right thing
to do.
Check out the Wizard
of Oz Letter. Oh, good times a comin'.
Well, I'd say this'd be some good times anyway.
| |
From: Rotten Apple
Subject: Michaux Maximus
Michaux Maximus April 25 2004 !!!!!! If you are a real mountain
biker in the mid Atlantic this race is a must do. For info go to
gettysburgbicycle.com
click on Michaux race series at bottom of page. |
Yeah baby, bring the pain like your name was Terry
Tate. Check out the map
of the race course. Yeah, looks like a piece of cake…
Found this article on us funny Americans and our urban sprawl at the
NY Times magazine page, called Our
Sprawling, Supersize Utopia.
To give you an idea how much I've been laughing while reading this,
allow me to share a little quote:
"These parking lots are so big that you could recreate the Battle
of Gettysburg in the middle and nobody would notice at the stores on
either end. Off on one side, partly obscured by the curvature of the
earth, you will see a sneaker warehouse big enough to qualify for membership
in the United Nations, and then at the other end there will be a Home
Depot. Still, shoppers measure their suburban manliness by how close
they can park to the Best Buy. So if a normal healthy American sees
a family about to pull out of one of those treasured close-in spots
just next to the maternity ones, he will put on his blinker and wait
for the departing family to load up its minivan and apparently read
a few chapters of ''Ulysses'' before it finally pulls out and lets him
slide in."
Oh yeah, I'm dyin' over here.
Went to bed at 1:30. Woke up at 5:30. Left for Payson at 6:15.
Find out the race is cancelled at 8:30.
Eat breakfast with the boys at some diner type place. Biscuits and
gravy for $2.89. Not not bad.
Drive around, taking the long way back to Flagstaff. Down into the
Verde Valley on General Crooks, also know as Highway 260. People say
it's a cool road to ride up. I've never ridden out there, but it comes
highly recommended. And I can see why.
We went riding up some dirt roads down in the valley, thinking we
sure couldn't do this back in Flagstaff where it's twenty degrees colder
and probably friggin snowing.
I rode for all of six miles before some serious gun play forced us
to turn around. As one of the fellas I was riding with said, "I don't
know about you guys, but where I come from, you hear shooting like that,
you turn around."
Seemed like a good idea. Heading back I endoed over some elevated
cattle guard bullshit and damn near center punched a rock the size of
my microwave with my face. I managed to get my hands out and roll over
the rock, and gracefully I might add. Feeling pretty glad I didn't just
knock all my teeth out, I didn't realize I had come to a stop sitting
on a cactus.
Ouch.
My ass looks like a fucking pincushion. I request a little help from
one of my buddies. He yanks a few out through my shorts. But, this is
going to take some real work. I get to it and the boys roll down to
the car.
So I'm standing there picking thorns outta my ass. I rock the bib
shorts, so I had to pull my jacket and jersey off, then pull my shorts
down around my knees. I can't see what I'm doing, so I'm just feeling
around back there and plucking out the things that hurt. Hey that hurts,
grab and yank. Repeat.
Of course, because Jesus fucking hates me, a woman comes around the
corner on horseback. We had met her before and even asked her for directions.
Ah fuck, she just saw me bent over feeling my ass cheeks with both hands
and wincing. Great. I'm pulling my shorts back up and there are still
a ton of thorns in the chamois and general ass vicinity. Yeah, it fucking
sucks. I was really concentrating on my ass first, figuring fuck the
shorts, I'll worry 'bout them later. Hell, I shoulda just removed them
entirely.
Feeling a little self conscious, I pull em halfway up and say "hi".
We're chatting about the trail, and she asks how far we went. I'm
thinking, didn't you just catch me with my pants down? We talk about
the weather, the guy shooting like crazy a couple of ridges down, and
where the trail goes in the other direction. Plot lines of a 100 porno
films are going through my mind and all I really want to ask her is
to help me pull this cactus spines out of my backside. Her, me, a pair
of pliers. One for the spank bank for sure.
I roll back down to the car. Standing the whole way. Sitting is, ahem,
out of the question. By this time everyone is back in street clothes,
eating and packing up the bikes.
I go back to work on my ass.
Those little shits are starting to burn like hell. On the way back
up I-17 I ask Dave to wheel into a gas station at the Cornville exit.
I buy a quart of Budweiser.
Suddenly I'm feeling better. Tell all your troubles, to those great
golden bubbles…
Anyone else think this
looks a whole lot like my site? The colors aren't exactly the
same in hexadecimal, but they sure are close.
Things that make you say hmmm.
| |
From: Bikescag
Subject: Kirsten Gumm's Guns
Big Jonny
I (along with thousands of other men who take notice to titties)
IMMEDIATELY noticed the "different" Kirsten Gum.
However, there were a few other things I noticed too.
First off, she has put on more weight in her face, she seems
to be a little meatier all over.
Couple of possibilities. 1. Pregnancy(although I can't understand
why someone wouldn't rather place their member in her mouth to
shut her up so you don't have to listen to her talk)
2. The pill (again, I would think most guys would plug a different
hole on her)
3. She may have some type of problem/disease that she has to take
corticosteroids(antiinflammatory medications). You gain gun gauge
and put on weight in the face.
Nevertheless, it does take some of the edge off of listening
to her talk.
Just wanted to let you know it is because of YOU and YOUR website,
that viewing porn is now acceptable in my household. My wife doesn't
mind because I'm viewing biking shit too....isn't that great?
Snow and rain, huh? I'm sitting on my porch in Weston, FL with
78 degree, clear skies. However, at the current moment, I would
take some snow because I'm about to pull out a flame thrower and
douse my entire backyard if one more f'in mosquito performs phlebotomy
on my legs..just love shaving over the bites..if enough blood
wasn't drawn by the mosquitoes, I'm sure the 3,4, 5 (or however
many damn blades are on razors now) will surely make me have to
take EPO to stay alive.
Just remember...after the riding in rain and snow...alcohol
always helps
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I'm beginning to realize I'm missed something really special with
the unveiling of the Guns of Gumm. Must have been like the excitement
one feels at a car show when they roll out the new models.
More updates as new information warrants.
I'm glad to hear I've successfully bridged the gap between cycling
and porn with this website. Of course, one could effectively argue no
such gap ever existed.
The Cub Shoot game has two people tied for the high score:
| |
From: Matt
Subject: I rule
I spit on that 964.3. Try and beat 986.2. It is impossible! I've
skipped class and haven't seen sun in 24 hours and it is the best
I can do. |
And,
| |
From: Corey the Courier
Subject: 986.2
On the first bounce bloody cub went out of the screen. Couldn't
go any higher after several tries. At least I beat the rest of you.
Going out to do the RELoad Bike Messenger Race. Beer, mayhem and
other acts of debauchery. Check out the site next week for results.
(I expect to win 'cause I always cheat and play rough) |
Right on.
Here is something about the Blackwater boys from one of our men in
uniform.
| |
From: James
Subject: U.S. Policy
You stated, "Thought we had people on the payroll for that type
of work already. Show's what I know." regarding the civilian contractors
in Iraq. The government in its infinite wisdom has found it cheaper
to pay civilians to do the work of the Military. I am still trying
to figure this out since most of the contractors in Iraq make more
than most enlisted Soldiers and Officers. The U.S. VIP's use Blackwater
when they visit Iraq, not our "well trained forces", why? The Blackwater
security guys each make 6 figures per year, enough to pay for multiple
Special Ops Soldiers. This tells me that our leaders know that our
training has suffered as a result of their budget cuts and do not
trust the U.S. Military with their lives. I am a Soldier, being
replaced in my job by a contractor earning more than $10,000 per
year to save money. My soldiers are being replaced by contractors
who will earn as much as $30,000 more per year to save money.
All or this saving leaves me no doubt as to why our deficit is so
large and still continues to grow. Am I whining? No, I chose to
be a soldier and am proud of this fact. It's not the money that
bothers me, it's the politics involved that allow this and every
disaster since Vietnam that bothers me. I wonder if things would
change if the Politicians and their kids were in uniform.
One proud SSG.
|
I always enjoy hearing from someone currently in the armed forces.
Nice to know they check out the site. I think you're on to something
when you say, I wonder if it would be different if the politicians and
their kids were out there on the front lines.
Damn straight it would be different. The whole world looks very different
when it's your ass on the line. Or, your son's.
I think that's what makes me crazy more than anything else when it
comes to these War Hawk characters like Bush, Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz
and Douglas Feith never served in the military even thought they were
of age during Vietnam.
And now they want to send others into battle when they themselves
didn't want to go when they had the chance: thenation.com/doc.mhtml?i=20031201&s=alterman
I just read this tonight, about some goals in the Middle East for
the hawks: commondreams.org/headlines02/0910-01.htm
I read this as well, for whatever its worth:
slate.msn.com/id/2093620/entry/2093641/
I don't know what the answers are. I don't know why we have to contract
these private companies to do the work we train and equip our own soldiers
for. And I certainly don't know why we pay them more money for the same
work.
I want to thank you for choosing to serve. I appreciate it. We all
appreciate it.
The weather tonight in Flagstaff is calling for snow. And, in Payson,
where I'm doing a 30
mile mountain bike race tomorrow, the National Weather Service webpage
says, "Rain/snow likely".
This is rapidly sounding like the potential for an epic weekend.
Fuck it. I've already registered and coughed up the requisite dead
president trading cards. I might as well show up and get my ass kicked.
It is, after all, exactly what I've been paying for all along.
What's up with Kirsten Gumm's guns? I've gotten plenty of email on
OLN's Road to the Tour program with a new and improved Gumm. Rumor has
it she got herself a little something in the way of a modification on
that front end in the off season.
Since I don't have OLN here at the crib, I didn't see it. And therefore
cannot speak from personnel experience.
But if the recent onslaught of email is any indication, there is something
afoot.
Speaking of the Tour, this is a good read.
| |
From: Silas
Subject: Cubshoot and Iraq sucks
Hey Big Jonny,
Scored a 955.1 in the cubshoot game.
Also, if this isn't a good reason to get the hell out, I don't know
what is. nytimes.com/2004/04/01/national/01CND-TOWN.html?hp
Last thing, jeredgruber.com
is a kickass cycling blog/journal type thing. His latest entry
is a bit lame, but his race reports on solo attacks off the back
of the pack are pretty good stuff.
|
I think the reigning high score is Jared with a 964.3. At least I
think that's the high score. I don't know anything anymore, other than
I'm racing in the morning.
| |
From: Erik
Subject: Who were these guys?
Civilian Contractors? Enemy Combatants? Soldiers of (Mis)fortune?
Uh, pardon me for having a short attention span, but I seem
to recall that people fighting out of uniform were not to be given
the rights of the Geneva Convention. The treatment of these Enemy
Combatants is not subject to the rules of war.
What goes around, comes around. Don't be surprised if this is
the future of modern warfare.
Fun times ahead...
blackwaterusa.com
Ask yourself: if these guys came from Iraq and were rolling
up and down your block (with no US law around), what would you
do?
|
I don't think any of us wanted to see the corpse of a dead American
dragged through any street anywhere. That's a lot of anys.
Scary looking folks over at Blackwater USA to be sure. Some kind of
super secret black pajamas wearing types. From the website, "Blackwater
Training Center was founded in 1996 to fulfill the anticipated demand
for government outsourcing of firearms and related security training."
Outsourcing?
Um, Ok. Thought we had people on the payroll for that type of work
already. Show's what I know. Also, they have a press release on the
attacks you can see here.
I'm out.
This will be one of the drunkest updates in a long time. I was sitting
around the house talking with my mom on the phone when Bensey, Betsy
and Snake rolled in. I was told I was going out for pizza and beer.
I capitulated like I was Spanish.
In due time I was at the mercy of Big Pun. A legend in drinking, I
was soon bested. I simply cannot compete with his flip top head. Open
and pour. Damn, he can put 'em away.
And fast.
I did walk out one up on Snake.
At least I think I'm one up. I don't really know what just happened.
All I can tell you at this point is I am fucking blasted. And typing
is becoming a chore.
Allow me to share a story. A few weeks back a guy said to me, he says,
Bush is going to win this election. The economy is going to be kicking
ass and he'll win. He told me the economy is going to turn around. In
the next 4 months.
He believed this would happen. In just the next couple of months.
I told him something along the lines of, I thought that was improbable
at best. A long shot. Not much chance at that happening.
His comeback? "Just wait, it'll happen."
Ok.
I'll wait.
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