Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Race fans, Hot rodders. And other assorted scum.

Welcome to drunkcyclist.com.

From: Russell Subject: Maddox site Was reading your site today and saw that you mentioned the Maddox site! My long time favorite from there is maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=irule

I'm kind of fond of this one, Oops! You're a racist. And, you really shouldn't miss the one called, "How is it possible that a guy with a small penis and a hairy back is more powerful than Pepsi on the Internet?".

That guy is out of his mind funny. Maybe we should make him El Presidente next go through?

I rode out to the Waputki Monument today. I had been out that way in a car once or twice, but never on a bike. Damn nice riding out that way. I look forward to exploring it more in the future. I didn't see the half.

The Eagles won today, so I'm stoked. Tonight my side or town seems to be covered with smoke. It's like fog out there. Weird.

I drove about a mile east of my place to drop of a video back at the rental joint, and it wasn't the least bit smoky out that way. Just over here.

What's up with that?

Short update, I know. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

hottie   I   jana   I   mercedes

My man Steve says, "god bless america" about this next link. The short version reads: Woman knocked unconscious by trampling shoppers.

Yeah. Unconscious. Seems Wal-Mart had some $49 DVD players, and shit fire, folks just had to have one.

Is 5 to 7 percent of players in Major League Baseball coming up positive for steroids good news? "Officials from MLB and the players' union hailed the news as proof that recent claims of widespread steroid use in baseball, such as those made by former stars Ken Caminiti and Jose Canseco, were wrong."

That is so fucked.

And Bush surprised troops in Iraq with a Thanksgiving visit. "While U.S. troops called the trip courageous, some Iraqis saw it as cowardly."

"The way he made the trip shows he's afraid of Iraqis," said Mohammed Kamel, 40, a former soldier who now drives a taxi. "He should be; we're a fierce people." Read the rest at abc.

From: Dave B. Subject: Singlespeeding - Read it It's a bit limey but you might like it phased.co.uk/index.php

I rode my single speed for the first time in months yesterday. Well, other than riding it to a bar. I'm talking 'bout riding on dirt. I had to drive down to Phoenix, and figured, fuck, I'm here where it's warm, might as well have some fun. And, my single was recently put back into operating condition. The old girl was a bit neglected and in need of some TLC.

I went to the trails at Pima and Dynamite. They call it 100 Miles of Singletrack. I missed at least 80 of those miles, but still got my groove on.

Great trails, desert riding created by motorcyclists. Cool sweeping corners and fast twisty runs.

And I'm feeling it a little today. I think I'll be on my road bike where I can sit and spin instead of stand and grind.

This is some real x-files type shit. Chemtrails. Fact, or fiction?

I'm voting bullshit. But, then again, I am a moron.

More in care of Laura from Holland. Check out site Laura, or someone over there, is putting together. I do see pic of girls and bikes. You know I like that action. Half the shit is in Dutch and I can't read a word of it.

I used to be well versed in Dutch Master splittin', but that was back in the day.

From: Brian T. Subject: Thanks Hey bro...I just wanted to thank you for helping us keep our sanity. I just spent 8 months in the Persian Gulf unable to ride. Your site helped us get by out there. Well that and the occasional stop in port bar hopping and riding. Also if anyone is headed to Singapore get in touch with Lynton at www.thebikeboutique.com He hooked me up with my On-One SS. Oh and he is the proud owner of the kick ass spiderman Retrotec SS.

Right on. Glad to just do my part. If I can make one guy laugh, I'm cool with that.

I saw that Spiderman bike in the single speed gallery. Nice. I know a guy here in town who would love one of those, wouldn't ya Bensy?

Sorry. Can't have one. The movie still sucked.

Support the troops, but not the President. Let's bring them home.

From: Tim Subject: no subject no lesbians dont fuckin rule. lesbians fuckin suck. when i come home from a good night drinkin, i wanna see first rate chicks being fucked by guys. just likes its supposed to be. none of this fairy carpet eatin bullshjit. lesbians DO NOT RULE beeotch

I do aim to please. Just for Tim's viewing pleasure, enjoy the following links to hardcore pornography.

Big M and the Jackass Justin just rolled into town, so I had better wrap this up. Gotta go start a blazing warm fire in the woodstove. The futon has company tonight.

Friday, November 28, 2003

jana cova   I   lesbians rule   I   fo sheezy

Brain gone from turkey and beer. I'm having another plate right now, at this minute. And, of course, I'm washing down what Franklin considered a sound choice for the national bird with an ice cold brewski. Life is good up in this bitch today, baby. I'll just go straight to the email pile today. Seems like the thing to do.

From: Damn Curtis Subject: I can top zajicek BIG JON, although I was the one that took the pictures that night after the eltour.... Those pictures didn't tell the story... We gave little Phil A hurting and may we say that desert that he had in the pictures CAME BACK UP....three times... There is a reason why he was lying on the ground. On that note: speaking of real men take a look at JIMMY in my ventures back home in Cincinnati..... holid.com/kidrock.html

Damn. Lemmy lives. Rock the mullet.

Where as I am looking only for a place to lay down for a couple of hours, some guys are sacking up and hitting the road. Fucking harder than me.

From: Mr. C. Subject: old tucson Yep, Me n Pistol Pete are leaving Tucson tomorrow for a two month Mexico adventure. We custom built two single speeds that are so ugly that almost no one would steal them. Mine, a 70's schwinn beach cruiser rusty and fucked up. But that wasn't enough. I wrapped it in double sided tape so that all of the butt crusties, road grit, dead squirrels, pubes and what not will stick to it giving it a stealth black top camouflage. The icing on the cake is a brookes b33 wrapped in a nasty pair of old tighty whities. Skid marks and blood stains from a busted knuckle to give it contrast and texture. Pistol Petes 48 Shwine is so horrifying that all of the fancy lad, weasel suit wearing, junior dandies out there would run in horror at the mere smell of the thing. Sincere he's one of those gearhead shaman types, I have no idea of what kind of evil curses have been forged into that thing. These rigs will insure an almost uninterrupted cruising adventure, complete with bikes, beers and women of unsavory virtue. The weather is 'posed to be in the 80's and the ocean in the 70's. I wish you could come but there ain't enough room for you and your lycra wearing ass. I'll keep you updated.

I'll be right here with my two tons of left over turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and corn. I've even got another eight beers or so. I'm set for the weekend.

I look forward to your updates, as I'm sure they will be chock full of debauchery and low living.

You guys live the "two wheels, one dark lord" dream for all of us, Ok?

From: Will Subject: It's cold-wah Wah, wah, wah. It's cold, I'm cold, and riding here is cold. Oh Christ. Now look here, I've ridden more miles in the dumbass cold than I care to remember. I raced Pro from 93-99 and I trained for years with John Stamstad, you know the iditabike guy, back in Cinti, Ohio, where not only does it get cold but soggy, sleety, snowy and all other forms of crap where temperature meets precipitation below freezing. I hated it. Now I'm sure that Flag gets butt cold making rides an exercise in dumb/numb appendages. but quit whining and move. Might I suggest Tucson? Only kidding. I lived in Laramie, WY over the winter of 94-95 and I FROZE so bad. I recall one ambitious ride I did, February 1995, Point-to-point from Laramie to Casper. 160+ miles, all over 6500ft., all under 18 degrees. That was a stupid, cold 9 hours. On a steel Bridgestone RB-1.

I've been asked to link floydlandis.com. Good looking site. And the guy is hard as nails, so there you go.

What a surprise. Having your brother as president spells out opportunity.

Saw that one coming, eh?

More on Club Phil

From: Matty D Subject: Phils are wacked You're on to something about all Phils being in their own special club. I worked at a shop with a Phil whose motto was pretty much "Fuck you I don't give a fuck I just wanna party, screw tomorrow, screw later today even, nothing else matters but this fucking minute and I'm gonna make it good." That guy could stay up all night carousing, then show up for a ride at 9am, slam a couple shots of espresso followed by a couple shots of whiskey, eat nothing, and proceed to tear the legs off a bunch of well-rested, clean-living roadies for 5 or 6 hours. Kind of makes me want to name my first kid Phil just 'cuz I know he'll be a hell raiser.

Sounds like a plan. Kinda like that whole boy named sue 'get tough or die' idea.

Could work.

Either that, or the kid turns out gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Don't forget to check out the Greg Brooks Raffle. Help a brother out.

From: The Proffessa Subject: the shrub Hey - just catchin' up on the site and I noticed you posted an email that listed how many funerals the Shrub has attended. Well, I was listening to a news spot on the radio the other day - they were talking about the Shrub's schedule while he was in the UK. Lo and behold, the Shrub met with the families of slain British soldiers one afternoon at Buckingham Palace. Ain't that a kick in the cooter? WTF is wrong with American soldiers or their families?

I couldn't really answer that one. At least, not answer it very nicely.

I almost had to go to a funeral of my own the end of last week. Turns out the guy I know in Iraq is fine. As fine as you can be for still stationed in Iraq, I guess.

I dunno. Shit just sucks these days. Is the light at the end of the tunnel and onrushing truck?

Mission accomplished, my ass.

So, you think this is bullshit or what? Care to comment?

From: David Subject: we're drunk Jonny, we're drunk as shit. this is dave n. we're partying and we have some bad ass pics i will send them to you tomorrow. we are drunk

I can't wait to see that trainwreck. I wonder what the young gun got into?

Girl, bike and support hose. Fucking completely ridiculous.

From: john Subject: crushaaa whats up playa? well, tis the season to lay off bike employees for the winter and i got pimped. thats ok, those guys were DOUCHEBAGS!! too bad i left another shop with job security to go there, but whatever. i hope the fuckin burn. speaking of burning i cant believe no one has sent you this link yet. this is from an annual ride we do at the berryman trail here in MO. well this year we "took it up a notch" as that fatfuck emeril says. only minor injuries were sustained, not including those innocents that witnessed it that are now scared to go in the woods with our crew... anyway, feel free to post these and dont forget to ride your balls off!! peace and chicken grease. kellerhayes.com/gorc/gallery_2003_bonktober_fire.asp

In from our homegirl Laura from Holland, a couple galleries of girls on bikes.

Has anyone out there not see the powers of ten thing yet? Well, if not, consider this your lucky day, ace.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

cherokee lace   I   dani   I   lesbians rule

Happy Turkey Day.

It's all about food and beer up in this bitch today, let me assure you of that. Oh yeah, I'm gonna tear the lid off. I'm already stuffing my face, and I haven't even mashed the damn taters yet.

Went on all of an hour ride today. Was it cold? Yeah. Pretty much. I've got a new jacket recently that makes all the difference in the world. Look for a product review in the next week on that bad boy.

Home to Beer, Turkey and Big Gay Randy. I'm not to sure about the Randy part, but he did mention single malt scotch. I imagine we would be doin' some serious drinking.

Check out the O'Grady awards. It make for some good too-stuffed-with-turkey-to-think reading. Just set your brain, as I often do, on autopilot.

Jay sent in this link and says, simply, "I thought you might like to check it out.".

Sure you would. Who wouldn't?

Phil the Horse sent this link and says, "damn people have to much time on their hands."

This next email has so many videos to watch, you could waste literally hours of time avoiding annoying family members. You can thank me later.

From: Erik Subject: CBS4 FTAA report - Funniest thing ever! The part that pisses me off the most are all the fucking pigs on bikes! Rollerpigs! wfor.dayport.com/launcher/227 and all the BS at: cbs4.com/ftaa "Black Bloc Anarchists with rollerblades and hockey sticks are ready for the tear gas!" "these anarchists may be armed with skull-crushing billiard balls, wrist-rockets that fire ball bearings, and also have a reputation for throwing human excrement at police." You have to watch this video, it is un-fucking believable!

That is good, clean, all American fun. I watched maybe six of the, what, thirty, vids and didn't see too much in the way of ass kicking. But, they probably just edited all that shit out.

That sad thing is I'm not so down with those scumbag, "self proclaimed anarchists" as I once may have been. Where as I might as seen them as some kind of street warrior with a message, now I see them as fucking losers who can't hold down a job. Look like the idiot "spangin" change down on Mill Avenue.

"Can I have a dollar?"

Um, lemme see. Can I kick your dog?

Bunch of fucking jackasses.

I would more likely be seen marching with the AFL-CIO, who are concerned, as I am, with jobs moving overseas. Them, I can understand. These other guys, whoa.

Pretty simple political statement to smash anything with a corporate logo. Also a never ending job, as damn near everything, everywhere, is splashed with some kind of logo.

Good luck with that fight, dog.

One more and I'm out.

From: Casey Subject: Scratch the Surface I fucking figured something out tonight, Juan Grande. It happened by circumstance that I attended the Sick of it All show tonight, but all for the better. I figured I was done with the hardcore scene, but after I won tickets today at work off the college radio station, I decided "Hey, no better way to do this than for free." So as I stood there appreciating the anger of all these new songs I heard, off all these new SOIA albums I have ignored, the shit hit me. Talkin about they've been at it 17 years, toured for every album, been Sick of it All for all this time. Then they fired right up a version of the one that got me hooked in the first place, Scratch the Surface. It means the same to me as it did years ago: "Scratch the surface, Serve a purpose." But it says it all, fuck you and all. You know. So fuck you, that's what we do when we do the shit we do. You don't have to dig deep into the smelly layers of economic stratification to find your place in this world. You just have to scratch the surface. And for fuck's sake, serve a purpose. Keep serving your purpose, whatever the fuck it is, you faaaaaaaaaattttttt fffffuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkk.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

redhead   I   jana haze   I   nikki nova

Missed a day yesterday. Haven't done that in a while. Lots of stuff to do, like visit some fam and all. Kinda wacky when you're so into a website one day off the party train and you can feel it.

You feelin' it?

From: Mike Subject: You're the man buddy Hey man, I just wanted to say, you're a good guy. I was checking your site and I read your post from Sunday, November 23rd. It really moved me man. The best thing you said was so true. Support the troops, bring them home. It's so true. Anyone who REALLY does support the troops, would want them home and out of harm's way. Fucking Bush. That guy is such an asshole. Who never fucking served his country as a solider I might add. He went fucking AWAL from the fucking national guard for fuck's sake. Asshole. Keep drinking man.

Right on. How 'bout some fun little animated deals of Sydney Moon? Just in time for turkey day.

1) Click for Sydney.
2) Click for Sydney.
3) Click for Sydney.
4) Click for Sydney.
5) Click for Sydney.
6) Click for Sydney.

Nothing really says "Thanksgiving" like watching her jiggle, now does it? Ah, it's a good time to be alive. Eat lots of food and ride your bike.

And hang sign of freeway overpasses like these guys at freeway blogger. Why can't someone be doing this in my town?

We sure could use it.

And, if you're bored out your god damn skull, kicking it live with the in-laws and need something to do. Check out all these links on the freeway blogger site for your reading pleasure.

If you're feeling like you would like to help out a friend in need, check out the Greg Brooks Raffle. Tons of great prizes. You should get in on this one, folks.

Or, maybe you'd just like to buy a genuine homeless persons bike instead? What kid wouldn't like that for Christmas?

Jenna link.

From: Doug Subject: worlds smallest gang bang Perfect for the garden gnome. worldssmallestgangbang.com

You just gotta check out the details section.

Monday, November 24, 2003

tina seems friendly   I   peeing? whatever   I   see you in hell

Thanksgiving is almost upon us. And I, for one, am Thankful. Lemme tell ya a little story.

Last night I went to the laundromat, 'cause dirty ass skivvies had reached critical mass. Attention was needed, and soon. A couple handfuls of quarters, a few splashes of detergent later, and things are looking good.

Since the laundromat is situated in the middle of a strip mall, the twenty five minutes it takes the washers to do their thing means shopping time for me. I had a gang of groceries to procure, and I'll be damned if my shower curtain didn't give up the ghost this week.

That thing was fucking nasty as hell.

I started working my way down towards, oh damn. That ain't Target. That's s a fucking WalMart.

Yep. You guessed it. I fucked up.

I paid my $2.88 for a brand new, not yet mildew and torn, Made in China shower curtain. I am such a fucking loser.

I went back to check on my raggedy clothes. Tossed them in a dryer the size of my closet and went the other way down the strip mall to Basha's grocery.

I saw my friend Melissa almost as soon as I got inside. "What, are you following me?" we said to each other and shared a laugh. I told her I had just gone to a Wall-Mart. She goes, "what? You can't go to Wall-Mart!"

Yep. I suck. I talk the talk, but I don't walk the walk.

About twenty minutes later as I watched my clothes spin 'round and 'round in a gigantic commercial dryer, Melissa came by and asked me, "Do you want a turkey?"

What?

"I just won a turkey. And I'm a vegetarian!", she said.

Maybe I don't suck quite as much as I thought I did after all. God has just graced me with a free "up to 14 pound" turkey, care of Basha's.

Fucking-A right on I'll take a turkey.

I went and picked that fucker up tonight. Son of a bitch is bigger than my tv.

Ok, it's Jackass Justin's tv.

But, I still figure I shouldn't push my luck with the whole Wall-Mart thing. This me-winning thing is a fluke. I'm generally known for going down in flames.

Straight to hell.

Here's a little something from Phil that makes about as much sense as you'd expect a gin soaked limey wanker to a few hour before lunch. God damn, those Brits can drink.

From: phil the horse Subject: oh dear its 10 am well we had the single speed not the worlds party organized by the degenerate in the red jacket to my left, it rained, england won the rugby and we started drinking at 10ish and then tried to ride our bikes in the mud, it was messy, bikes got broken, fun and retarded everything a singlespeed event should be my single speed now thinks it is fixed due to my loving care for my shimano freewheel. and we got complained at for causing a health and safety issue pilling our bikes up outside the shopping centre apparently old ladies might have tripped over them! not convinced myself but it was all good harmless fun. i think there might be a surrey fest sooon i will see what i can pull out of my arse other than the usual shit!

Those boys know how to beat winter down like a red headed step child. No more of this ridiculous suffering for me. I'm going out tanked up on anti-freeze. The type that comes in twelve ounce cans.

Word.

Oh, and he ain't the only one who's hard. Not by a long shot. Guys named Phil are a breed apart. It's like some kind of tough guy booze club. I think you have to know someone to get in. They don't just let any joker off the street start walking around calling himself Phil and shit.

That ain't the way it works.

From: phil Subject: el tour jonny....got a nice little gallery for you. this is from saturday night, post el tour. i'll be in flag soon, get ready for a beating. philzajicek.com/eltour.html

Cute desert they worked out for ya. What, are you twelve? Good thing you had girls licking the frosting off your face. Saved the whole thing.

And, what's this sitting down shit? Don't let the rest of the Phil's see that. They might pull your ghetto card.

You come on up here and see how you like riding in the cold. Three hours and you won't be able to feel your hands, your feet, or your penis. Good times.

It sucks a mile of cock.

Hell, maybe even two miles.

One more and I'm out.

From: Johnners Subject: Jailbait Quiz Hey there, love the heady mix of porn, politics and spite on your site. That's pretty much my 3 main interests catered for right there. I do take exception to that arsehole voiceover on the Jailbait Quiz you linked to though. Here in the UK, it would be fully legal to have any of that so-called jailbait dangling on the end of your dick. And rightly so. Mind how you go, Johnners

Is there anything you Brits can't do? For fucks sake. You're killing me over here.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

flexible? Check #11   I   abbey   I   I'm talkin' bout sloppy

It's the adventures of the Revisionist President. Brought to you in full color. So exciting. So in right now.

I got a really shitty phone call from one of my wife's close friends this evening. She was quite upset, to the point I couldn't understand what she was saying. Her husband is in Iraq, so yeah, I was worried.

The whole time I'm thinking, fucking Christ, it's almost Thanksgiving.

She was able to choke out that her husbands commanding officer was killed this weekend, and someone else from his company. And, no, her husband wasn't killed. I think it was company, I'm not sure I got the exact association correctly.

Regardless, two people in close working proximity are dead. My condolences to their families. What can I say, really?

I don't know what these names of the dead soldiers are, and I've avoided posing any names I do know so far. This isn't a name thing really. But I can tell you they were stationed out of Kentucky. I'm sure they're on this growing list at cryptome.org/mil-dead-iqw.htm.

It's about fucking time that list stopped growing. End this war now.

I cannot begin to find the words to describe how terribly upset this young woman was on the phone. She told me she is terrified to get a knock at the door. I can't say I blame her. Right there on the cryptome site is says in quite simple phrasing, "There are twelve additional fatalities from this incident pending next of kin notification. The incident is under investigation." And "There are eight additional fatalities from this incident pending next of kin notification.".

I'm shitting myself over here. I'm not kidding. I'm shaken to the fucking core. That twenty people that could well be a guy I know. I cannot explain how deeply shocking it was for me to pick up the phone to that call.

I don't even know what to say.

I had spent a couple of hours today beating myself senseless riding down in the Verde Valley with Snake and Grant. We rode from Sedona, down through Cottonwood, and up to Jerome. Then back. I thought it would be under three hours. It turned out to be 3:15.

There must be a dozen city limit sprints down there. Ugh. They come out of the fucking bushes at ya, I'm not kidding. It's insane. I just couldn't figure out where they were for the first, I dunno, six or so.

I tried to simply follow Snake, but even that didn't work. He'd throw I a couple of dummy attack, ride back and forth across the road. The next thing I know, Grants mopping up the points.

Fuck.

I tried one heading back down the hill into Jerome, as we had ridden a bit past town up the climb. It's on a left hand corner and I thought I really might do it. I'm standing up, sprinting in my biggest gear, into a blind left corner on a mountain. Snakes coming up in my right. I'm on the double yellow line. I'm freaking out. Fucking scared the shit outta me.

And scared don't win sprints.

Djamolidine Abdoujaparov I ain't.

I was down in the valley so long I missed the whole damn Eagles game. I got home in time to see that they had beat the Saints. I'll take it.

Dallas beat Carolina, so the birds are still tied for division lead. Damn those Cowboys.

I came home riding a high. Then one lame phone call later, I'm all bummed out and shit.

So, I thought I'd cheer myself up with a little stand up comedy. Big Pun gave up some free tickets to see Larry the Cable Guy. He seems like a nice enough guy, but I pretty much fell asleep next to Betsy. And we were in the front row.

Maybe that was a little rude on my part.

All in all, I found the act a little to much on the pro-war side of things considering today's phone action.

Support the troops. Bring them home.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

word   I   forget about it   I   festively plump

I'm checking the weather this morning. Ride today at 9:00. Weee, group ride. Says its 30 our there. "Feels like 20". Great. I can't wait.

I refresh the site about twenty minutes later, and low and behold, now it's 29. Feels like 19.

I'm not going to refresh it again.

Ah, Paris Hilton. All the sexual moves of a bag of cement. I'd rather watch farm animals fuck than see another minute of her stumbling through the moves. Anyway, best link about it I've seen yet. Enjoy.

From: James Subject: Paris Hilton vid Hey Jonny, Thought you may like to see this again: liquidgeneration.com/flix/parissextape.asp It's some funny shit I tells ya.

Like it? I absolutely love it.

Why is it so hard to ship things? It seems like every time I deal with the post office I end up wanting to start shooting people. Doing the world a favor, you could call it. Nothing but trouble, those sons a bitches.

And, it ain't just here in Flagstaff. Oh no, the United States Post Office of Tucson primarily employees societies failures as well. Ignorant, grating, and hate your fellow man? Come on down and join the post office team. You'll fit right in.

Bastards. All of 'em.

I've been trying to start making more shit for the site, t-shirts, stickers, beer cozies, that sort of thing. But, I don't have hours to waste standing in line to talk to idiots and try to ship things. They've lost a jersey I sent to someone already. That hurts. What do you do when someone gives you money and then never gets the product?

Well, if you're like me, brought up on Catholic Guilt, you try and replace it. Toss a couple of shirts and a big discount on the next jersey. Fucking sucks all the say around. I swear to God, I walk into the post office and see someone wearing one of my jerseys, there is going to be a murder.

Or, short of that, a real stern talking to. Oh yeah, try me buddy.

So, while I'm bitching about the retards down at the post office, this one time in band camp. I mean, in Flagstaff, I tried to buy a couple of envelopes and stamps. Brought out my debit card and drivers license, and handed them across the counter. Guy wouldn't take it. Said I "had not signed it".

I had written "please ask for ID" across the signature box. Thought it was a good idea as the police had suggested it to my wife and I went the car got broken into a few years ago and some asswipe used my wife credit card to by, of all things, a tank of gasoline, before we could call in and cancel the card.

I figured it was preventing theft on my part, a good idea. Not to this bozo. He said, "I cannot accept an unsigned card."

"Ok, well, you know it's me, 'cause you have my drivers license.", I say

"Still not signed".

"How 'bout I sign it now? Will that work?" I'm getting desperate. And frustrated.

"Well, no. You can't sign it now. I already know its unsigned.

"What? Ok. I go outside and sign it. Then come back in?" It's incredible. This guy is such a dick.

"No. I can't take it." He smirks at me. Oh, you win buddy, you win. I don't get to buy your stamps today. You are the king of the fucking world.

All this for five bucks. Fucking asshole. Nice power trip, douchebags. You get your lunch money stolen every day, or something?

Today's joke:

From: CB Subject: Ouch! Christmas Party 2002 At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet, they went through his jacket and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table. The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his own ticket and compared them. He became really silent, put his ticket back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a shit-load of money, and I'm leaving!" End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

Ouch indeed.

I've gotten a whole lot of letters about Bush-Gore-Quayle quotes. And a couple of letters about just dropping the whole political thing altogether. I'm not sure I can stop bitching about war, death and the upcoming election. Way to important to ignore. But, I'm done with the quotes.

So, I'll probably make it to tomorrow with no political bullshit. Maybe.

This is part of an email I sent out today. I just thought I'd share.

It's hard for me not to blame Gore for some of the problems we're in now. If he wasn't such a friggin wingnut, he could have ridden the whole, "for more years of Clinton's policies" wave into the Presidency. He should have, you know. Maybe he didn't distance himself from Clinton enough when the whole scandal broke. S, instead, we had the Republican backlash against blow jobs by fat chicks. Great. Now look where we're at.

Fuck it.

Friday, November 21, 2003

redhead hummer vids   I   huge chest, just huge   I   bike pic?

Ok, got a brand new hotties gallery up for all you sick fucks out there. Check out hotties 10. And, um, er, this is definitely not safe for work. Just like the rest of this site.

I do aim to please.

Pretty much. Yeah.

And, here's a shout out to all you Sydney Moon fans out there. Girl is the fucking bomb diggity.

From: Dave Evil Subject: Chort Bowl 250 Check out this latest Evil event. Single speed (mostly) singletrack, derbying, and a whole lot of drinking under the grey Minneapolis skies. Let the people know that everybody chorts evilcycling.com/chort_bowl_250.htm

Chort? Fuck it. You Evil guys rule. I wanna take you to a gay bar.

Then you can call me Jacko the Wacko while I stab ya up the guts.

More on quotes nobody seems to agree on the source of. Shit was funny, but I'm thinking I fucked up even posting them in the first place. I like this guys idea: Blame Dan Qualye. Hey, wasn't he Canadian?

From: otto Subject: quotes i don't know about all of the quotes you have from gore/bush, but most of 'em came straight from the mouth of the king of quips....dan quayle. people have just been attributing them to others for years since. and gore may have been dull as shit, but he wasn't stupid. we got the stupid one...yeah, dull is waaayyyyy more important than smart.... either way, the important thing to remember here is, it's always the mouth-breathing fucking morons who join the republican party....

I am gonna catch so much hell for posting that email. Well, not that much really. It'll be worth it I'm sure. Even when I hear things like, "I'm a Republican and I don't breath out of my mouth at all!"

Yeah buddy. I'm feelin' ya.

More along the same line of thought.

From: Ed Subject: Gore said that shit? Hey man, what's with Republicans trying to blame everything on the Clinton administration? If I remember right, I had a great job, was watching my 401k sky rocket, and didn't have to listed to news stories about another handful of dead Americans every night on the news during the Clinton years. How I miss those days when the House could take time to impeach a president rather than fixing Social Security or Medicare. Now they just waste time giving nonsensical speeches crying about a few judicial nominees rather than fixing Social Security or Medicare. That is, unless you consider the proposed bill to send more money directly to pharmaceutical companies and not giving the government negotiating power with drug companies an improvement in Medicare. My point here is, Gore didn't say the stuff that someone on here originally attributed to GWB. It was actually Quayle. You really have to be an idiotic ditto-head to think Gore was capable of that level of advanced blundering. With GWB it's believable, but Quayle makes even more sense: snopes.com/quotes/quayle.htm One other thing. People, stop being so apathetic. When you get done with your daily dose of porn, put a few thoughts together and send them off to your local paper and to your elected officials. Then tell your friends about how you eloquently ripped your representative a new one for being a bigot for not waking up to the fact that we're still withholding basic civil rights from a large cross section of our country: Gay and Lesbians who don't qualify for many government and private benefits because we're too stupid to recognize their relationships as marriage. Pick a topic that pissed you off and get to work. Here's an example letter that I had published by a local paper last week: Week's tally Nov. 3 to 10: Five $1,000- to $2,000-a-plate fund raisers by Bush and Cheney. 34 more U.S. military dead and hundreds injured. 0 funerals attended. Let's support our troops.

Damn. That's some heavy shit right there.

I'm not sure what my biggest regret is about this, not checking snopes.com, or truth or fiction myself like I should have. I mean, do your homework jonny, for fucks sake. Or, actually going through the trouble to list all those quotes twice on the site. What the fuck was I thinking? Took up way to much time and space. Time and space? What is this, fucking Star Trek? Note to self: don't do that again.

More from my main man Mike. Ready, steady, go.

From: mike d. Subject: date give, give, give to the George W(rong) Bush campaign and then bring 1/2 the country down by a blackout. FirstEnergy had incompetent control room guys, didn't trim the trees, ... but what does it matter if you don't put money in the budget for these necessary items, when you have covered your corporate ass by give, give giving to the Bush campaign. The only reason this is being talked about now is because of the incredible economic damage done by these bastards at FirstEnergy. I guess this is the kind of deregulation we need so that businesses make all the money possible and don't cover their essential obligations. There is a direct payoff between sending checks to elect BushCo Inc and getting away with polluting the air, stealing from public lands and not taking care essential services. Check the date on the first link. bright.net/~dknox/clips/bush.html nytimes.com/2003/11/20/national/20POWE.html?hp

Oh yeah, that's great news. Just smashing. Fuck it. On to the next one.

From: Graf Subject: keepin' score K, well, a little unusual but my g/f (34C to her friends) and I are bored and scanning the archives and she decides that on the shear strength of your feature pics, she can determine your ideal piece (her words, not mine - the ideal g/f, no doubt) and so, in case you were wondering about now, Veronica Zemanova, is the most oft featured honey by a ratio of 1 out of 17 (the g/f is also an engineer and math major - always date engineers 'cuz they don't wear make up or carry purses; they take showers quicker than you do and will try anything - yes, i mean anything !!!) anyway, keep "up" the good work and, BTW, got a private tour of the new Nimitz class carrier - USS Ronald Reagan and in the propaganda room (all new vessels have them now) I saw a "photo" of old Ronnie with, lo and behold, not G. H. Bush but W.!!! Ha Ha, obviously faked 'cuz we have a 70ish Reagan with a current George W. - guess they figured the newsmedia would never get on board or pick up on it and the rest of us would just be too interested in all the big, shiny airplanes.

Who knew I was playin' favorites? Shit fire, Veronica is one tight unit. Word.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

jenna is hotter than july   I   brianna banks vids   I   sydney moon

I've been explaining to all my boys why I've got a set of rollers in my living room already. It's not that bad out, says the Gnome. You're a wuss, says Big Gay Randy. Well, at 7:00 am today, when I rode that bitch for an hour, it was dark, and all of 25 degrees outside.

Ahem. Fuck that shit.

Turns out just about all those quotes attributed to Bush are also found out there on the net as quotes by Gore the Bore. I guess I was just way to eager to believe, that yes, Bush is a dumbass.

Now, I'm the dumbass.

From: Matthew Subject: FW: The brilliance of Al Gore/George Bush Hate to break it to you, but those GW quotes have been around for years. I got them last in 1999 attributed to Al Gore. Funny as hell, regardless. -----Original Message----- To: Matthew Sent: Saturday, September 18, 1999 9:51 AM Subject: The brilliance of Al Gore The Wit and Wisdom of Al Gore "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." Al Gore "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."-Vice President Al Gore "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts." Vice President Al Gore "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."-Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy-but that could change." Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, & that one word is 'to be prepared.'" Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." Vice President Al Gore "The future will be better tomorrow." Vice President Al Gore "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."-Vice President Al Gore "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."- Vice President Al Gore "Public speaking is very easy." Vice President Al Gore to reporters in 10/95 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat." Vice President Al Gore "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."-Vice President Al Gore "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.-Al Gore "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make." Vice President Al Gore "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."-Vice President Al Gore "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."-Vice President Al Gore "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."- Vice President Al Gore AND, OF COURSE, (TO ALL USERS OF THE INTERNET), THE ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTATION OF MR. AL GORE: "As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet" AL Gore to Katie Couric 3/99

1999? And I thought my inbox was fucked up.

Fuck Gore. Jackass couldn't even carry his own state. Well, I voted for him. Don't feel to bad about it either.

This next link is about, well, there is no "about" about it, it's fucking 450 pics of seriously hot and seriously young chicks. Yeah. Wacky.

If you are somehow unsatisfied with over 400 pictures, check out the rest of the galleries this guy has up just for you to view at your leisure. Girls kissing, Russian chicks, and, of course, boobs.

And then, if you think you're starting to like them a little on the young side. Like my man Nic the Dick. Go ahead and test yourself using the jailbait quiz.

Me? Oh, I failed miserably. I woulda stabbed all of 'em.

But, that's why I am going to hell when I die, isn't it?

Today's joke.

From: Tall Paul Subject: Bad News - Good News - Really Good News The day after losing his wife overboard in a fishing boat accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

I got some new wallpapers in from my man Casey. Just check this shit out one time.

       

What the fuck is up with Jacko? I guess he just can't stop himself from stabbing little boys up in the guts. Kinda grosses me out just to type it. Yuch.

Homeboy should have been a priest. He's get away with all of this shit. For a little while anyway.

From: zeke Subject: jackson So I hear this morning on the radio that Jacko's lawyer said something along the lines of "Mr.Jackson will turn him self in at a time and place of his own choosing." HUH? That funny if I was accused of the same thing the cops would have kicked down my door while I was asleep, jerked me out of bed, threw me to the floor, cuffed me tightly with the appropriate knee to the back and dragged me, half clothed or naked, out to the wagon in front of all my neighbors and the world press. Then there would be the customary tiny cell with Bubba who hates child abusers for 48 to 72 hours before I ever saw my lawyer. Must be nice to be a pop super star, who for years has been slightly off in the head. Don't get me wrong I remember growing up loving Jacko's music but the guy seriously has some issues with children. Even the parents I know don't want to share their bed with their own kids. I love America

It just doesn't end, does it? I wonder if he'll burn on this one?

From: Andrew Subject: Northwest One-speed International Solidarity Event Just thought you might be interested in the single speed event we had last weekend in Portland OR. You can read about it and see some pictures at drewish.com/bike/noise/

Word 'em up.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

aimee sweet   I   dasha   I   tiffany lang

I got so many emails about Wal-Mart and the evil that men do, I had to post them in the forum. Otherwise, I'd have never fit them all on here. Oh, my life is so damn hard.

Some really great shit in there, check it out.

In case you like that bucci bag song as much as I do, you can now stream it to your hearts content.

And, what the fuck is up with this Von Dutch stuff? It's fucking everywhere these days. Even Nebraska it seems.

I've just flipped the script on the new A Perfect Circle album. The first time I heard it, I pulled it out of the cd player thinking, my God did these boys ever fall off.

And I didn't listen to it again for weeks.

Then, for reasons I don't exactly understand, I was drawn to it. I plunked that fucker back in the tray and went at it again. Another chance, perhaps? A bit quick to judge?

Now I'm listening to it several times a day.

If you fuck around with the above mentioned website, you can stream a bunch of tracks off both albums. Pretty cool stuff. Kinda makes me want to take a sledge hammer to everything I own.

From: bobby Subject: FW: freedom I guess it depends on what your definition of "freedom" is... Freedom in London: Bush has said he will not be fazed by the protests. "I am so pleased to be going to a country which says that people are allowed to express their mind. That's fantastic. Freedom is a beautiful thing," he told the UK's Press Association last week Freedom in Iraq: BAGHDAD (Reuters) - American soldiers handcuffed and firmly wrapped masking tape around an Iraqi man's mouth after they arrested him for speaking out against occupation troops. Asked why the man had been arrested and put into the back of a Humvee vehicle on Tahrir Square, the commanding officer told Reuters at the scene on Tuesday: "This man has been detained for making anti-coalition statements." He refused to say what the man said. Somebody ought to invade that country and free those peopl---- Oh. Wait...

That just sucks a ton of ass any way you look at it. What the fuck are we doing?

I think that email is from something posted on tbogg.blogspot, a site I've checked out once or twice before. I don't think I've ever linked it, although I should have. Fucking brilliant.

If you're into that sort of thing, no more mister nice blog kicks a whole ton of ass as well.

Where do all these guys come from?

Changing up gears to something way less serious, check out this wacky Scandinavian singing horses. I've been fucking around with it all night. I just can't get enough it seems.

Gay marriage in Massachusetts? What ya think about that one? Care to comment.

From: Matt Subject: SaveOtero press release Hello - Please accept our newest press release on the fight for Otero Canyon. We would appreciate any effort on your behalf to publicize this news. Thank you! Friends of Otero 1805 ½ Silver SE Albuquerque, NM 87106 For Immediate Release: November 18, 2003 SECTION OF OTERO CANYON TRAILS CLOSED Mountain bikers in the Otero Canyon area, west of Albuquerque, discovered a Kirtland Air Force Base trail closure sign on the morning of November 10, 2003. The sign states, "Danger: Live Weapons Firing Ranges. Do not enter without permission of the installation commander. Violators will be prosecuted." This sign, erected at the beginning of a trail built within the last 5 years with US Forest Service knowledge, is located at the intersection of the trail and Forest Road 530. This trail closure has effectively closed the door on the public's alternative fence proposal in whole despite its endorsement by Congresswoman Heather Wilson, Congressman Tom Udall, Senator Jeff Bingaman, Bernalillo County, The City of Albuquerque, The Village of Tijeras, and over 1800 individuals who have signed the Friends of Otero online petition. This marks the first response from KAFB since the Public Meeting on June 23rd and the closure of the public comment period on July 16th. Based on this response, Friends of Otero is questioning the base's willingness to work with the public on this issue that has proven to be of great interest to residents of and tourists to New Mexico. KAFB claims that this portion of land is located in the remote reaches of their M-60 Firing Range. Previously KAFB had claimed a need for closure of this land due to Homeland Security issues, and more recently Unexploded Ordnance (UXO). However, KAFB had not addressed any safety precautions with recreationists in Otero Canyon up until the June 23rd, 2003 Public Hearing in which nearly 600 Otero Canyon supporters attended. KAFB had worked with the public in the early 1990's and subsequently dropped any attempts to close off this land at that time. The previous attempts by KAFB did not address the newfound safety concerns stemming from the M-60 Firing Range. This section of trail is nationally recognized and a valued part of the Otero Canyon Trail System. Tourist visits to this trail network contribute to the community of Tijeras, NM and its closure could impact the village's economy. The trail leads to a popular view at the former US Forest Service fire tower, which has been in existence since the 1930's and is considered the crown jewel of the Otero Canyon Trail System. Access to the fire tower is now prohibited because of this action by KAFB.

My man Scott, the Dr. Bicycles, had been doing this Hood to Coast ride the last couple of years. Man, that looks like a fun one. Maybe a money tree will sprout in my backyard and I can go do shit like that too?

Yeah right. I'm made of money. Check out this thread from mtbr. Some folks think I make a living off this site. Word. Fucking money pit whore is finally paying her own way. Oh, for fucks sake.

From: McCann Subject: They got the gnomes name wrong From cyclingnews: Night With the Legends "Also, on December 2, there will be a "Night With the Legends" presented by the Durango Wheel Club. On hand will be Bob Roll, John Tomac, Ruthie Matthes, Ned Overend, Sara Ballantyne, Greg Herbold, and myself. It is a night where each speaker will provide stories as well as training tips with competitive insights. And some mushroom fishing"

Yeah, it's Dave. D A V E, motherfucker, Dave. Lets work on that, Ok? How many times do I have to tell you people?

From: Jordan Subject: A link you will love Johnny, I love your site man, shit keeps my ass in stiches all damn day. Your bike shop rants are f-ing hillarious, sooo true. Keep on keeping it real man. Enjoy this link. http://cagle.slate.msn.com/mondo/MondoAlQaeda.asp

Oh my God. That may just be the funniest thing I've seen this week. And, it's been a good week.

And here are some things our fine, well educated President said. Oh, he is such a genius.

From: Brinky Subject: Bush'ims Sit back and have a few laughs with some classic George W. Bush quotes! And/or be scared, be very, very scared. "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." - George W. Bush "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." - Governor George W. Bush "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." - Governor George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." - Governor George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." - Governor George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - Governor George W. Bush "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - Governor George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." - Governor George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - Governor George W. Bush "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Governor George W. Bush "For NASA, space is still a high priority." - Governor George W. Bush "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." - Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Governor George W. Bush "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." - Governor George W. Bush

The pain is almost too much to bare. Oh well, one more and I'm out. Check out this email my wife sent me today.

From: big jonny's wife Subject: Re: gme baby Yes - I will be your girlfriend. Just do me one favor. During that 15 minutes with Jenna, don't think about what I am doing to Jan. I wouldn't want you to get distracted.

I am the luckiest guy on the planet.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

barbie   I   veronica zemanova   I   dani woodward

Bomb ass link of the day right here. Word.

A letter so old, you almost can't believe it's still buried in my inbox. Oh yeah, it's like that.

From: MC Subject: Hello and greetings from the other side of the pond Hello Mr Drunkcyclist. Here I am not sober and quite a few pounds over what was my racing weight. My season has been crap. Ho fucking ho as Santa might well have said, if he was a creaky old bike rider getting a kicking in road racing. What have I done to annoy the gods of 2 wheels ? Too much sitting in breaks ? Have I half-wheeled the wrong people ? I was riding a stage race in May, on the first stage I just blew out the back on the first real hill. I ground to a halt, my legs felt likely belonged to someone else, someone very, very unfit.. So I took things easy for a couple of weeks, then off again, back into the fun that is road racing. But just couldn't get up there anymore. Sure I could finish in the bunch, but what fun is that ? But no matter ! I have recently discovered the joys of track racing. With a couple of wins and top 3 placing I seem to have found something this creaky old 40-alomst-50-something can actually kick arse at ! In fact I'm more than a few pounds over my lean self of the days when I could bound up the hills like a mountain goat. This seems to be the joy of track racing, just cast aside all fear of hitting the deck at 40 mph. and forget the riders at either side trying to get into your space, just give it everything and go for the line ! I would recommend the track for anyone. We only race in the dry ! And there is the 250M indoor track ! Well, remember the wall of death at funfairs ? That's what riding a 45 degree banking feels like ! Regards from a limey.

It is simply amazing what I have kept around this place. Email after email, some going back to August. Fucking August. It's unreal. But, how can I delete them if they're good enough to share?

'Cause baby, my readers care.

From: James Subject: Prohibition on the Trans-Am Trail In case any of your readers care: I have spent part of the last month following the TransAmerica Trail (AKA: 76 Bike Route, Bicentennial bike route.) Aside from dogs, coal trucks, and saddle sores everything has been a blast. Except for Kentucky. Despite being known whiskey (Jim, Jack, and Johny) the state allows prohibition to persist in half the fucking state. In the backwards-ass rural part of the state that the route passes through, most counties are dry. So anyone not fond of 200+ mile stretches without beer ought to take another route, or at least carefully plan their stops to sleep in as few dry counties as possible. Yorktown, Va -> SF, Ca

I guess one could always stock out with some hooch in a neighboring county, or state, if need be. Who wouldn't gladly pull the extra weight of, say, a case of ten year old scotch?

My man TC would probably have a full bar in a BOB trailer. Or, a case of forties. Take your pic.

Maybe that's what I should do next year for the Fat Tire Fest here in town. This year was booze free till way after noon. And, I got laughed at for my lycra wearing habit by a couple of guys I've been trading emails with for years.

Oh, you fuckers.

Why ride for four hours, when you could ride for two and drink the balance?

Makes perfect sense to me. But, then again, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed.

Monday, November 17, 2003

you have got to be kidding   I   fo sheezy   I   bitchin movies

Ain't Monday grand? I had to call Snake up at some point and ask him if his legs hurt as much as mine did. Almost of course, he said no. Bastard.

Did you check out Wesley Clark on Fox? Click here for a link to the video. Holy shit, I fucking love that guy. I thought he was going to crawl through the camera and start kicking ass.

I think the Democratic ticket is going to include this guy. I'm not the only one saying it. He'll either be the Presidential or Vice Presidential candidate.

Talk about a kick ass ticket.

From: Brammer Subject: Ugly Politics I thought you would think this was funny .... On CNN today they had an article about the 30 hour Senate debate and within the article, "President Bush called for a stop to "ugly politics." "It's wrong and it's shameful, and it's hurting the system," he told reporters." Talk about the pot calling the kettle fucking black. Almost every politician in DC is pointing the finger/blame somewhere else, and with that pointing their middle finger at us. Check out the article cnn.com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/

Yeah, good times, eh? What the fuck is up with that nonsense?

My man Rush back on the air. Good looking out, lard ass. "Limbaugh said the one of the most important lessons he learned was not to be a phony," Oh yeah? What do you call saying those who use drugs should be put in prison and then getting yourself strung out on Oxycotin? I'd say that's pretty phony.

And check out this next quote: "I can no longer anticipate what I think people want and try to give that to them," he said. "I can no longer try to live my life by making other people happy. I can no longer turn over the power of my feelings to anybody else, which is what I have done a lot of my life. I have thought that I had to be this way or that way in order to be liked or appreciated or understood. In the process I denied myself who I was."

What?

Is Rush coming out of the closet? Holy shit. Jesus, please, let him be gay. Oh please, oh please, oh please.

I'll even go to church a couple of times. With my Mom. I'll open the door for her and everything. I'll be good. For, like, a week.

My man Hurl sent this to me and said, "dig it."

Word up my nizzle. The rest of that xmission webpage is off the meter ass well. Homeboy is one funny mother fucker. I think Big Gay Randy was trying to tell me about it earlier today, but I ended up lookin at this page 'cause he couldn't remember the domain name.

Oops. Stupid hippie. I'm thinking its all part of one mans dream up there in SLC, you feelin' it?

Fuck it. Conan has become Governor. Anything can fucking happen now.

From: Tony Subject: Almost got hit by a chick on a Blur Saturday at the Pointe South Mountain at about noon, I almost wasted (or was hit by) this female mountainbiker on a blue Blur as she ran a 4 way stop sign through a blind intersection. Don't get me wrong. I've run many a stop sign in my time (mostly on a bike), but not when I can't see traffic. Just a word of advice to all my fellow cyclists: If you are going to run stop signs be smart. Don't do it at lunch time through a blind intersection through a resort, during the busy season. This dumb bitch even had the nerve to yell at me... like her almost hitting me was my fault. " No honey, I came to a complete stop and then proceeded. Maybe you'd have noticed if you'd have stopped (of even slowed down) at the stop sign." Shit like that really does make us look bad as cyclists. Perhaps if you post this, somebody who knows "Ms. Blur" will relate this story to her and possibly save her life.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

jennifer   I   jenna haze vids   I   asia max

What a weekend. It is good to be home. I hardly know what to do with myself first. Unpack? Take a shower? Fall down? Perhaps all three?

Good times down in Tucson. Did a little selling, a little buying, and a little riding. Not not bad, I'm tell ya.

More news from Okinawa.

From: dnelson Subject: okinawa I got my ass handed to me on a silver platter, with french fried potatoes. Those crazy kids in Japan spanked me like a red headed step child in walmart. I was fine til the about 50km to go. I got blown out the back so bad. I saw Ollie and decided I had enough. The island of okinawa was really beautiful but I sucked. Big props to Chad he got 6th. My whole thing was that I didn't think any of the Japaneese riders would be very strong so I didn't really ride much. Yeah that was a bad idea.

Rock out with your cock out, my man.

I am so completely retarded right now. I can't even think of anything to type. Pretty uncommon for a brother like me. My man Nate noticed me being a little on the silent side of things today as well. What's up with this?

Ah hell. Who cares? Eagles won today. That's a good thing. Makes me fucking happy as a pig in shit.

Didn't see the game, as I was on the road back from Tucson. But I did see some pimp ass winter jackets advertised during the little bit of the Bronco's game I saw while we were at Nate's pad. Oh yeah, it was all about the Eagles jacket for me. Shit was boss.

Like on the Bossberg.

Some more Wall-Mart love. I'm just going with all the emails that mention Wal-Mart tonight. Real imaginative, eh?

From: Tim Subject: confirmation you are a moron I've been checking out your porn and bike stuff for a while now, but never paid much attention to your babbling. I noticed you've been talking about Wal-Mart a little and, being a former Wal-Mart employee and current stock holder, I think you're way off. You and others are saying that Wal-Mart is destroying small towns and ruining mom and pop stores by offering more selection at cheaper prices. You know what that is - capitalism! How can you fault them for running their business the best and making the most money? I can assure you that any incidents of overworking and benefit cheating are not the status quo. One of the reasons these mom and pop stores go out of business is because they had been screwing their customers for years and when Wal-Mart came along, their customers realized how badly they taking it in the pooper. The owners got used to how things were done and resist change until it's too late. Unions are an outdated notion, too. They used to mean something, but now they're just a means of lazy people getting more than they deserve. Don't get me wrong - I know a lot of union guys that work hard and are not the least bit greedy, but I believe they are the exception rather than the rule. I would not call any job at Wal-Mart "skilled labor". There is no reason for an employer of any company to allow a union to come in when their entire work force can be replaced by unskilled, uneducated high school students. The same goes for the grocery worker union. What moron can't put a can on a shelf or a box of cereal in a bag? "Hey, can you grab stuff and swing your arms at the same time? Super! You're our new cashier. You won't even need to know how to use a calculator." Do you get my point?

Uh, no. Not really feelin' it.

From: David Subject: Your Wal-Mart Gift Card You've Been Chosen To Receive A FREE $50 Wal-Mart Shopping Card From memo (fuck you I'm not even listing your site) Your best place on the web to get stuff. now. ·It's 100% Free…No Shipping, No Handling. Just Free. ACT NOW while supplies last! Once our supply is exhausted, they are gone for good. So, get your Free* $50 Wal-Mart Shopping Card now!

Oh, for fucks sake…

Thursday, November 13, 2003

what the fuck?   I   katie rosen   I   lesbians rule

Might as well start off with this. Yes, I have the Paris Hilton sex video. It's a piece of shit. That girls seems pretty hot, but the video has all the graphic quality of that night time war footage coming out of Iraq. You know the shit I'm talking about, what they play on CNN and all. It's not even black and white, it's black and green. And her eyes are fucking glowing. Fucked up.

She has all the sexual moves of a block of wood. Jesus. It just makes me want to run her and her boyfriend over with a cement truck. Just to put them out of their misery.

And me out of mine.

You can see it over on jays-xxx-links.com by clicking here. Check out the rest of the site while you're there. It's way better than that vid, and he has a friggin ton of stuff to check out. Take a look at this site map for fucks sake.

There isn't enough time in the day to look at all that stuff. And, mind you, home boy fucks on film.

From: Brian Subject: Help'n the ladies Check out this site lupec.org Let's help keep history alive, and the ladies buzzed. A Flag chapter needs to be started soon!

Heading to the bike swap Saturday with some shit from the Worlds Angriest Hippie. Instead of giving me prices at which to sell his utterly worthless collection of broken and destroyed crap, I'll be referring to the International Bongload Standard, or IBS for short.

I mean, who doesn't need to know how much weed your old tires are worth?

I can see it now, some guy walking up to me saying, "Hey, how much for this mismatched pair of socks with the hole in the toe?"

"Well sir, allow me a moment to check the IBS guidebook. Oh, it seems those are worth seventeen dollars.", I'll reply.

"Seventeen dollars for fucking used socks? Are you joking?"

"No sir, no joke. You think bong loads are free or something? C'mon, up the cash, help keep a hippie blazed up. We can't very well have those idiot crusties walking around not stoned, can we? Fuck. It'd be anarchy. Where would it end? Phish goes off tour? Those assholes could end up living next to you. Or worse, me."

"Why, you're right. I've never had it explained to me like that before. Put me down for five of those dirty socks and here's another $47 for that broken helmet. Thank God for that IBS guidebook."

Oh, it's going to be great fun.

I'll also have some drunkcyclist shit to pawn off. Stickers, beer cozies, a couple of shirts, socks and maybe even a jersey or three. If you want some of that action, search me out. I'll be kicking it with a table full of ruined bike parts wearing a drunkcyclst shirt. I ain't hard to find.

From: mike Subject: good read this, for me, was a good read. Krugman is the most insightful, all about the mechanics of the system, and the smartest. If you want to know WHY, you go to Krugman. I get tired of the factless bitching of the left. I want the factful analysis of the thoughtful. With facts, I we can make decisions. alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=17169 mike out

Pulled a stint at the laundry mat tonight. That was great fun as well. Especially the girl who works there sporting the massive hickey and boobs bigger than my head.

That was kinda special. In its own little way.

From: Axles O'Evil Subject: How's this for chickshit? Oi, Big Jon, Clap your peepers on this action jacksonville.com/tu-online/stories/111203/met_14020003 Looks like another good reason to stay the hell out of Florida. No wonder they put Disney World there -- the place fairly screams Mickey Mouse.

Um, yep. That there is 100% unadulterated chickenshit if I ever did see it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

adele   I   aria   I   aurora

I'll be in Tucson this coming Saturday for the 4th Ave. bike swap. I'll be selling a whole bunch of stupid, worthless shit. And, I'll have some drunkcyclist.com beer cozies. Get at me if you need one.

I am tired as fuck.

That seems to be what happens with less than six hours of sleep. Oh God, it truly sucks to be me right now. Drove all the way down to Tempe last night just to see Modest Mouse with a couple of pals. We get there around 10 pm.

The show was sold out.

I was so bummed.

So I bummed rushed the show.

The bouncer at the door looked away for a moment. I saw the crease and I was gone. Made it in, towing Betsy in my wake. Smart girl. Attentive. The balance of the crew, Snake, Bensy and guest rock star along for the night Cole didn't make it. Guilt was felt, sure. Until the music started.

Then the guilt was more managable. Funny how that works.

Went to the outside "smoking area". A fenced-in wackiness thanks to Tempe's no smoking in bars guidelines. Out in the parking lot surrounded by hurricane fence. Weird. We talked to Snake across the barriers. He said three words" "Gimmie the keys."

And that was that. He knew the score. Some times you win, some times you loose. And you never knock a guy for enjoying his podium moment.

I had never seen Modest Mouse. I had heard they do a far better job in a small club rather than a large one, and this night proved to be no exception. I as well felt lost in the crowd of several hundred. It was the kind of night where a friend of yours could be at the show, and you would never see them all night. And not just 'cause they're ticketless out in the parking lot.

Would I see them again? Absolutely. In a heart beat.

The show, as most things good in life, came to and end. Midnight. Poof. I'm a fucking pumpkin. Now I get to point the Blue Bomber northbound while trying to keep the rubber on the road and out of the desert. Easier said than done, I assure you. Got in at three am.

Up and typing, now, at nine am. Feelin' like a million bucks. Word.

Let's get to some links and shit before I fall asleep at the keyboard of this trainwreck.

From: Mike Subject: Vice-Dud "He did not regard as progress the rise of congressional investigating committees, special prosecutors and an increasingly adversarial, aggressive press. Cheney is a strong believer in the necessity of government secrecy as well as more broadly the need to preserve and protect the power of the executive branch." Oh, I see. In other words, he doesn't believe in democracy. He believes in government much more along the lines of the old Soviet Union. "Some of the OSP staffers were true believers. Abe Shulsky, a defense intellectual who ran the office under Luti, was a Straussian, a student of a philosopher named Leo Strauss, who believed that ancient texts had hidden meanings that only an elite could divine. Strauss taught that philosophers needed to tell -"noble lies" to the politicians and the people." .... hmmmm ... may we say that Whacko-Land and Right-Wing Conservative Land are only separated by a faint woodland trail that is obscured during most seasons of the year? "Some observers see a basic breakdown in the government." That's for sure. I would say the breakdown was one of total incompetence. We have a Vice-President who thinks he can set up his own intelligence agency, built SPECIFICALLY to circumvent the agencies that are passed through LEGISLATION to conduct intelligence, and they will give accurate opinions .. yeah sure .... this guy is a dud. Also, as reported here as well, he talks out of one side of his mouth. msnbc.com/news/991209.asp?0cv=CB10

I can't wait till out current right wing insanity get voted straight out on its ass.

And, if by some unseen reason, Bush and Co. do get re-elected, I am not moving to France, Canada or anywhere else. I ain't running away from shit.

Although Colorado seems awfully nice…

From: Christopher Subject: simoni I gotta side with simony on this one.

You mean Lance getting called out to do both the Tour and the Giro?

I would agree. But, he'll never do it. Everything it wrapped up in an attempt at six Tour victories. He won't change his program now with so much on the line.

And, if he should fail at winning the Tour, I don't imagine he'll have it together to gear up for the Giro the next year either.

My guess is that he would retire and that would be the end of it.

I have so many friends.

From: Jeremy Subject: war is better for you Just a little fact for you. Marines are safer at "War" than they are back here in the states. I have a better chance getting killed here than I did in Iraq. So it seems that G W was just looking out for us by sending us off to war. I'm not saying it's safer for Iraqis, but that's their problem. Semper Fi and Happy Birthday

And it ain't even my birthday.

Safer in Iraq? Safer from what? Food poisoning?

Hey, how 'bout them Eagles? Watching them win just make me feel good. Sorta like surviving a fucking heart attack.

Oh, it sucks to be a Philly sports fan.

From: Tall Todd Subject: bike league Yo Jon, Hope all is well. I wanted to send you a link for the site if you have the space. eBay TO HOST LEAGUE'S AUCTION FUNDRAISER Don't miss the online auction to benefit the League, November 19-21, to be hosted on eBay. Fantastic bikes, cool trips, coaching, cycling gear, and more, including the awesome Trek 5900 Project One road bike, a bike tour of Vietnam's Mekong Delta, Carmichael Training System coaching programs, Timbuk2 messenger bag/backpacks, a Breezer Villager Town bike, Rudy Project eyewear and helmets, a Quintana Roo Trueno tri and road bike, a sweet bike (TBD) from Specialized, a Cannondale R600 road bike, and more! Visit bikeleague.org for details. Bid early, bid often, bid high!

Of course I have room. Always have the time to help a friend out.

Monday, November 10, 2003

bitchin movies   I   all up in the vip   I   fo sheezy

The only thing I give a shit about tonight is the Eagles beating the shit outta Green Bay. At Lambeau Field no less. Perhaps the single greatest stadium in all of football.

If they can grow grass up there, you can have grass anywhere. You hear me New Orleans?

I don't care how the Eagles do it, just as long as they do it. Like I told my man Brinky, I'll take an ugly win. It's still a win.

Check out this webcam at Lambeau. Shit is tight.

Don't let this one slip through your fingers. So to speak.

Fuck it, I gotta go. I'm pickin' up Brinky in like ten minutes. I gotta go swing by Pay and Take and put a few six packs on his tap first. This is gonna be great.

From: zeke Subject: Pure Cross #1 Ok another Sunday another cross race. An a fellow rider said to me, "Why isn't there cross racing year around?" It gives me a reason to look forward to winter. Pure Cross #1 seem to go well. A little different format than some of the other races. Mainly different start times and length of races. I got in the front group of five right out of the gate, the first couple of turns were as hairy as I suspected from the pre ride. The start was on asphalt on a slight down hill into the first turn was loose gravel and pretty tight. I made it through the first and the second was directly after and I went too wide and got wrapped up in the marking tape.... damn. As I untangled my bike I watched the group ride away. I got back in pursuit and caught up, I slowly worked my way back though the group to what I thought was about fifth place, sometimes its so hard to tell with multiple classes racing together. I was feeling good and had passed several riders and was comfortable with my spot, I wasn't killing myself and nobody was gaining on me. With less than 1/2 the race to go I came in to a set of three barriers, over the first... over the sec.... on the ground head first into the third! I don't know if my foot caught the barrier or the bike... I jumped up, proud of myself for not cussing since there was some guys little ones standing 2 feet away, grabbed the bike went for the rolling jump on and realized the bike wouldn't roll...shit.... I tweaked the front wheel just enough that it wouldn't clear the brake. I loosened the brake all the way and took off....mean while the last five guys I passed, passed me. So I am back in the tail end of the pack with only a couple of laps left. I reeled in a few but I wasn't doing too good of a job of getting back up in the front. I had had enough time controlling my speed with no front brake going from the fast asphalt sections on to the twisty off road. After the race I helped my self to a free bowl of post race chili... yummmmy! Watched the other races and went to check the results. I wasn't even listed. Although they counted my laps when the results were posted I was somehow missed. I may have placed 10th or as good as 8th.... ah well... if you're not in the top three it doesn't matter anyway... right? Until next Sunday.............

Cross racing good, war bad. Pretty easy to understand.

This next one's for Veterans Day. It ain't fun, it ain't happy. Its just real. If you don't do anything else tomorrow, just read this.

From: mike Subject: sucks oh fuk, this sucks and sucks bad, honor the Vets, these guys are getting shot at constantly, read the letters, they are under the gun, and some of em aint coming home, ..... we didn't have a terrorist threat from Iraq, but it is a cesspool now, ... this sucks .. the last letter is the end all be all of sadness .... http://www.nytimes.com/2003/11/11/opinion/11INTRO.html

Sunday, November 9, 2003

charlie   I   lesbians rule   I   crissy the school girl

In case you were wondering, life really does suck all over. Check out this email from across the pond.

From: george Subject: royal blowjob scandal shit the news here in blighty is full of the usual crap and murder trials but its the unreportable royal scandal they keep bloody referring to but aren't allowed to say what the story is, turns out some one is alledging that they saw old prince charles no less being given a blow job by one of his butlers no less! hey even the royals are dysfunctional!!!

In case you're wondering what's what over there in merry old, and apparently flaming gay, England, here are some links I dug up. News about the trail for the murder of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman. And, a little something about old big ears Charles indiscretions.

I have no idea what the Gnome is talking about, but he sure sounds pissed. And a pissed Gnome is a good Gnome. In case you're wondering, this is the passage I'm referring to: "Double bag your own problem. Call it your wife, your girl friend, your old lady, your excuse, your liability, your reason your life sucks. Whatever. Blame my story for your lack of life. Kiss my low ass. What you don't know is what you wish you could pay for. Indeed, this is a small town. The card will be played smooth. Deliberate, and recourse will show you short of game with hand in pocket. Blow Big john to make life feel better. I understand. There's no shame in responsibility to hell on earth."

Jeez. Someone needs a hug.

From: jack Subject: lance and comcast gadfly: even though the cycling community has bones to pick with major media sources, it should still be noted that comcast has allowed our friend lance to whore himself and his popularity out for their interests, featuring his likeness in one commercial and cycle racing scenes in another. in a moment of antagonism between the bicycle and automobile sets, it should be remembered that it was the league of american wheelmen who lobbied congress successfully for paved roads back in 1893. with world oil production projected to peak within the next presidential administration (deffeyes, 1999), and more and more images of cyclists beginning to perforate tv programming, we should all take a moment to realize that the social, political and economic subsidies that sustain automotive hegemony are starting to evaporate. nothing induces anxiety among the larger automotive audience than a perceived shift in modal split, so be sure to be extra-kind to the motorist who doesn't know how to handle his angst. just my $.02

And your two cents in much appreciated. I don't know much about the Comcast deal, at least I didn't follow it very closely. I guess I kinda don't care. If he can parley his name into some endorsement contracts, more power to him. I'll be hitting up google for that one.

"Lance Armstrong personifies the qualities of personal commitment, dedication and overcoming hurdles to succeed. These are exactly the qualities we believe Comcast represents…" Read all at biz journal.

But, the car thing. Don't even get me started. Cars suck it. But, we all know that story all too well, don't we?

I did find this bizarre site while searching with google. It's the urban dictionary and it's fucking weird. Looks more like a message board to me.

Nick says, "not funny, but who cares." About this little ditty. One word: Exactly.

I can think of a certain friend in Tucson who's gonna love it.

From: dmc Subject: Race report. tourd e okinawa, tour de oki nawa, ooh ooh la lal la This race has its own theme tune for christ sake. send me 15 dollars Big Rubber and ill send you the official race song cd. It sucks like no Penis pump you have ever known. Just had one of my all time epics in okinawa. Went on the piss, then got chest infection after Hamilton worlds, so totally underprepared for 200km hilly km. rained all day. I had twinges of cramp coming on after 100km and suffered like the bastard I am to somehow get 7th. I am well hard!!! I, am, Fucked, turkish. PROPER fucked. Feed me to the pigs. At least I got a good laugh at the US national team though! THE SCENE: 60km to go, US national team dude-Saul Raisin had nigh on a 2 minute solo lead. So there was me at the back of the break, in a right Gimp and cramping up, thinking- the US have this in the bag. One guy up the road, Mark Mc Cormac sitting on the rest of us, resting his legs to take second, or , more likely, win, when Saul implodes. As I said, I had the red ball in the mouth and was assuming the positon, so the japs had to chase. THE PUNCH LINE: Mc Cormac launches off in pursuit of wrinkled-grape and spends the next 10km hanging 10 seconds ahead of a full tora, tora, tora, banzai Jap chase. hmmmm. Davey boy takes time from squealing in pain to piss his shorts laughing and muse: "Now WHY you wanna go and do THET boy". THE WIND UP: Mc C succeeds in bringin Sauls gap down, while having the added bonus of giving himself sore legs. Jap wins. (Rapid Jap, I must say). Ahhhh, the amusement a boy can have while beating his body to a pulp. Gave me a warm feeling inside and reminded me why I just love this little old bike of mine. November　somethingth. season finally over. and a quarter a bottle of the finest whiskey in the world in my belly. (Bushmills, Foo!) Off to the prize presentation now, well after I plant some semtex under the P.A. to stop that FUCKING SONG!!!!!

Here's all the results I can find on the Tour de Okinawa from cyclingnews.

And some good news to end this train wreck for the evening. "Independent voters are leaning against the re-election of President Bush amid doubts about his handling of the economy and Iraq."

Saturday, November 8, 2003

terri   I   veronica zemanova   I   lesbians rule

I rode today down in the Verde Valley for the first time. I had been down there in a car plenty of times, but never actually pedaled any of those roads. Snake and I started up in Sedona, rode down through Cottonwood and up Mingus Mtn to Jerome. I went a bit past Jerome, maybe a mile. That road just keeps going and going and going.

Snake showed me this cobbled climb, a real steep as mother fucker, in Jerome. He says it is the steepest thing is Arizona. I took it in the 25. My heart rate went up to 185 and stayed at 180 for way to long to call it comfortable. It was hard, sure, but not as hard as the Uhlerstown Hill back in Pennsylvania. Now that is a hill. That hill kills me.

When we left in the morning, we couldn't decide which car to take. Mine or his. Flip a coin? It was decided by Snake having a cd player in his ride. And what did he pull out for this days musical entertainment?

NWA's Straight outta Compton.

Snake gave me the first seven sprints. I swear to God, there is a city limit sign every couple of miles down there. I thought I was back in Iowa or some shit. And they're fucking hidden too! I came up on a few that you couldn't see at all until you were thirty feet away from them. They just pop out of the bushes at totally random, wacky times.

When I actually had to try for one, I failed miserably. I went for a downhill number and got hosed big time. Later down the road, I did come around Snake for one, just one sprint in the whole day. I got him by a bike length. Clean.

Little did I know there was another sign not more than a hundred yards further down the road.

I took the first one, and sat back in the saddle totally blown. I had earned it, and could not longer even pedal. Breathing was a challenge at this point. Snake comes by me and says, "I'll get the next one."

Next one?

He's gone. Totally gone. He's past the sign and he ain't waiting. I have to chase. For a fucking mile. I couldn't believe it. Who puts up these signs, anyway?

Check this wacky illusion. No idea how it works, and I don't really care. It just works.

And, would you believe a little oral can get you life in prison down in Singapore? Sounds fucking crazy to me.

I've linked this series before, or at least part of it, at least a year ago. If not more. I'll just link it again. Hot ass naked chick riding a Kona. Good times.

From: Christopher Subject: RE: cyclingnews.com/road/?id=2003/transfers03 have you paid any attention to CSC transfers? Fuck me this is a badass team w/o tyler now. Riis is the man. I hope they can pay these sick fucks.

Yes indeed, CSC is going to be packed with talent. Hamilton's win at Liege will be hard to top. I look forward to seeing if they can.

Go check out fixed gear heaven.

Also, check out the birth of eno.

Why Athletes Can't (Shouldn't) Have Real Jobs 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." 6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful) 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) 12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." 14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good- bye."

More on the "Texas Miracle" over at the Washington Post.

This just says it all: "It is all phony; it's just like Enron," said Linda McNeil, a professor of education at Houston's Rice University, referring to the bankrupt Houston-based energy services company that boosted its stock price by covering up losses. "Enron was concerned about appearances, not real economic results. That pretty much describes what we have been doing to our children in Houston."

Oh, it is such bullshit.

I've been listening to adventuresportsradio the last couple of nights. My man Dave Towle interviews all kinds of cool folks on a show called the Winner's Circle. You can just steam it with Real Player while you chill out and surf the net.

Check it out, it's pretty damn cool. Ton's of shit on the archive page. I keep kinda hoping someone will mention drunkcyclist on there one of these nights. They seem to mention damn near everyone else. Ho ho, wouldn't that be something?

From: tapered Subject: Wall-Mart I agree with your stand on Wally World. Those fuckers for years have been destroying the U.S.A. Wal-Marts marketing strategy has destroyed small town America. Yes, the consumers are to blame too, but if Wal-mart had not moved into small towns there might still be some mom and pops shops left. I know my family lost a 60 year old business because of those fuckers. Moreover, they thrive on poverty. They hire people for minimum wage, work them less than a full work week (so they don't have to pay benefits) therefore leaving their employees, just at poverty level and with out any health insurance or retirement. Furthermore, their employees have to shop there because they can not afford to shop anywhere else, that way they pump the money right out of their own employees pockets, right back into their bank accounts. It's a vicious circle. Unfortunately most of the people who work there are too ignorant to understand this basic concept. They are destroying the U.S. one Super Wal-mart at a time. I would request everyone to stop doing business with the evil empire, Wal-Mart.

Big box stores. What a bitch, eh? I don't know what the answers are, but I can tell you I don't like it.

And I'm as much to blame as anyone else. I've undoubtedly spent money at Wall Mart over the years. Just as I've spent money at Home Depot, Target and the rest of those bastards.

From: Jess Subject: Iraq money Hey Big Jonny, Did you hear that there were only 6 senators present at the vote on the Iraq spending bill? That's pretty damn sad when there are only six senators who either give a shit or have the balls to show up and vote on a bill this big. All I know is that widemouth 40's are fucking great. I'm off to demolish a few right now. Less gears more beers!

Yep. I heard that one. It's almost unbelievable. Or, I should say, it is unbelievable. All that fucking money, and six guys vote. And, it's a voice vote so there is not record on who said what.

Well, we do know what Sen. Byrd said. He said this:

From: Ray Subject: Remarks by U.S. Senator Robert C. Byrd on Final Passage of Iraq Supplemental Appropriations Bill Friday 17 October 2003 Senate Floor Remarks Remarks by U.S. Senator Robert C. Byrd on Final Passage of Iraq Supplemental Appropriations Bill Friday 17 October 2003 Mr. President, the Emperor has no clothes. This entire adventure in Iraq has been based on propaganda and manipulation. Eighty-seven billion dollars is too much to pay for the continuation of a war based on falsehoods. In 1837, Danish author, Hans Christian Andersen, wrote a wonderful fairy tale which he titled The Emperor's New Clothes. It may be the very first example of the power of political correctness. It is the story of the Ruler of a distant land who was so enamored of his appearance and his clothing that he had a different suit for every hour of the day. One day two rogues arrived in town, claiming to be gifted weavers. They convinced the Emperor that they could weave the most wonderful cloth, which had a magical property. The clothes were only visible to those who were completely pure in heart and spirit. The Emperor was impressed and ordered the weavers to begin work immediately. The rogues, who had a deep understanding of human nature, began to feign work on empty looms. Minister after minister went to view the new clothes and all came back exhorting the beauty of the cloth on the looms even though none of them could see a thing. Finally a grand procession was planned for the Emperor to display his new finery. The Emperor went to view his clothes and was shocked to see absolutely nothing, but he pretended to admire the fabulous cloth, inspect the clothes with awe, and, after disrobing, go through the motions of carefully putting on a suit of the new garments. Under a royal canopy the Emperor appeared to the admiring throng of his people - - all of whom cheered and clapped because they all knew the rogue weavers' tale and did not want to be seen as less than pure of heart. But, the bubble burst when an innocent child loudly exclaimed, for the whole kingdom to hear, that the Emperor had nothing on at all. He had no clothes. That tale seems to me very like the way this nation was led to war. We were told that we were threatened by weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but they have not been seen. We were told that the throngs of Iraqi's would welcome our troops with flowers, but no throngs or flowers appeared. We were led to believe that Saddam Hussein was connected to the attack on the Twin Towers and the Pentagon, but no evidence has ever been produced. We were told in 16 words that Saddam Hussein tried to buy "yellow cake" from Africa for production of nuclear weapons, but the story has turned into empty air. We were frightened with visions of mushroom clouds, but they turned out to be only vapors of the mind. We were told that major combat was over but 101 [as of October 17] Americans have died in combat since that proclamation from the deck of an aircraft carrier by our very own Emperor in his new clothes. Our emperor says that we are not occupiers, yet we show no inclination to relinquish the country of Iraq to its people. Those who have dared to expose the nakedness of the Administration's policies in Iraq have been subjected to scorn. Those who have noticed the elephant in the room -- that is, the fact that this war was based on falsehoods - have had our patriotism questioned. Those who have spoken aloud the thought shared by hundreds of thousands of military families across this country, that our troops should return quickly and safely from the dangers half a world away, have been accused of cowardice. We have then seen the untruths, the dissembling, the fabrication, the misleading inferences surrounding this rush to war in Iraq wrapped quickly in the flag. The right to ask questions, debate, and dissent is under attack. The drums of war are beaten ever louder in an attempt to drown out those who speak of our predicament in stark terms. Even in the Senate, our history and tradition of being the world's greatest deliberative body is being snubbed. This huge spending bill has been rushed through this chamber in just one month. There were just three open hearings by the Senate Appropriations Committee on $87 billion, without a single outside witness called to challenge the Administration's line. Ambassador Bremer went so far as to refuse to return to the appropriations Committee to answer additional questions because, and I quote: "I don't have time. I'm completely booked, and I have to get back to Baghdad to my duties." Despite this callous stiff-arm of the Senate and its duties to ask questions in order to represent the American people, few dared to voice their opposition to rushing this bill through these halls of Congress. Perhaps they were intimidated by the false claims that our troops are in immediate need of more funds. But the time has come for the sheep-like political correctness which has cowed members of this Senate to come to an end. Mr. President, the Emperor has no clothes. This entire adventure in Iraq has been based on propaganda and manipulation. Eighty-seven billion dollars is too much to pay for the continuation of a war based on falsehoods. Mr. President, taking the nation to war based on misleading rhetoric and hyped intelligence is a travesty and a tragedy. It is the most cynical of all cynical acts. It is dangerous to manipulate the truth. It is dangerous because once having lied, it is difficult to ever be believed again. Having misled the American people and stampeded them to war, this Administration must now attempt to sustain a policy predicated on falsehoods. The President asks for billions from those same citizens who know that they were misled about the need to go to war. We misinformed and insulted our friends and allies and now this Administration is having more than a little trouble getting help from the international community. It is perilous to mislead. The single-minded obsession of this Administration to now make sense of the chaos in Iraq, and the continuing propaganda which emanates from the White House painting Iraq as the geographical center of terrorism is distracting our attention from Afghanistan and the 60 other countries in the world where terrorists hide. It is sapping resources which could be used to make us safer from terrorists on our own shores. The body armor for our own citizens still has many, many chinks. Have we forgotten that the most horrific terror attacks in history occurred right here at home!! Yet, this Administration turns back money for homeland security, while the President pours billions into security for Iraq. I am powerless to understand or explain such a policy. I have tried mightily to improve this bill. I twice tried to separate the reconstruction money in this bill, so that those dollars could be considered separately from the military spending. I offered an amendment to force the Administration to craft a plan to get other nations to assist the troops and formulate a plan to get the U.N. in, and the U.S. out, of Iraq. Twice I tried to rid the bill of expansive, flexible authorities that turn this $87 billion into a blank check. The American people should understand that we provide more foreign aid for Iraq in this bill, $20.3 billion, than we provide for the rest of the entire world! I attempted to remove from this bill billions in wasteful programs and divert those funds to better use. But, at every turn, my efforts were thwarted by the vapid argument that we must all support the requests of the Commander in Chief. I cannot stand by and continue to watch our grandchildren become increasingly burdened by the billions that fly out of the Treasury for a war and a policy based largely on propaganda and prevarication. We are borrowing $87 billion to finance this adventure in Iraq. The President is asking this Senate to pay for this war with increased debt, a debt that will have to be paid by our children and by those same troops that are currently fighting this war. I cannot support outlandish tax cuts that plunge our country into potentially disastrous debt while our troops are fighting and dying in a war that the White House chose to begin. I cannot support the continuation of a policy that unwisely ties down 150,000 American troops for the foreseeable future, with no end in sight. I cannot support a President who refuses to authorize the reasonable change in course that would bring traditional allies to our side in Iraq. I cannot support the politics of zeal and "might makes right" that created the new American arrogance and unilateralism which passes for foreign policy in this Administration. I cannot support this foolish manifestation of the dangerous and destabilizing doctrine of preemption that changes the image of America into that of a reckless bully. Mr. President, the emperor has no clothes. And our former allies around the world were the first to loudly observe it. I shall vote against this bill because I cannot support a policy based on prevarication. I cannot support doling out 87 billion of our hard-earned tax dollars when I have so many doubts about the wisdom of its use. Mr. President, I began my remarks with a fairy tale. I shall close my remarks with a horror story, in the form of a quote from the book Nuremberg Diaries, written by G.M. Gilbert, in which the author interviews Hermann Goering. "We got around to the subject of war again and I said that, contrary to his attitude, I did not think that the common people are very thankful for leaders who bring them war and destruction. ". . . But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship. "There is one difference," I pointed out. "In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars." "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country." U.S. Senator Robert C. Byrd

Friday, November 7, 2003

natalia cruze   I   aria giovanni   I   lesbians rule

Friday night and I'm feelin' kinda sporty. Gonna roll a joint and grab me a forty.

Ok, forget the joint part. Weed turns me into a drooling idiot. Last time I smoked out, it was four years ago. I did a bunch of gravity bongs with Big Gay Randy and couldn't stand up for about an hour.

But not in a good way.

Ya loose a few pounds and your friends send you this link saying, "this could be you."

Yeah right. I wish I was on drugs. It would make all this tolerable.

From: mike Subject: bushesque Now we have this. School crime an issue? Just don't count it. Airbrush it out of the way. Put a big "Mission Accomplished" sign on the school courtyard and go work on some tax cuts for the rich. Bring out a "Clear Skies" initiative while letting major air polluters toss any plans to clean up their effluent. Up is Down, ya think? Yeah sure. This has come home. The failure at the United Nations came home. The weapons of mass destruction false argument came home. The tax cuts for the rich resulting in the largest deficits in world history is on its way home too. http://www.nytimes.com/2003/11/07/education/07HOUS.html?hp

I heard about them type of shenanigans on Jim Hightower's webpage a while back. And, it's not just in Texas. This evil is all over.

Kind of hard to get a clear picture of anything when crimes aren't reported as they should be. Just sweep that shit up under the rug.

From: Weasel Subject: The Gnome The Gnome may be busting your ass lately because he is kicking himself over halloween -snipet from onespeeder.com- A crazed female priest continually slipped me pictures of naked women in various poses from between the pages of her King James Bible. Somewhere between here and there, a hand of an unknown woman appeared on my knee with enough significance, that I remember it now. I wanted to take it further but the present company left too much repercussion. It was destine to be excitingly destructive. I regret what I did not do but it was the right decision at that time. -/snipit- What the hell is he afraid of? A horny nun... double bagger if u are worried!

Ah, opportunity lost. It is a small town, after all, and easy to burn down. I did it once, and others have done it since. When it's time, baby, it's time. We don't need now water, let the mother fucker burn.

From: Brian Subject: does the girl come with the bike? I would have bid on it if she did. ebay.com/ws/eBay

Thursday, November 6, 2003

natalia cruze   I   crystal   I   lesbians rule

Aight, you bastards. I rode my damn rollers inside this morning before work, 'cause it was, I dunno, about 17 degrees outside. I watched the 92 Tour on video. Andy Hampstem won on Alpe d' Huez. It was great.

Andy is a hero.

And, like my man O'Grady says, why didn't we think of this?

And I spread the word when I can, my brothers.

From: shawn Subject: hey big juan, i need you to spread the word about a new site that needs some help getting some traffic. the site is freeridealberta.com. we've been up for awhile but, we just need some help getting the word out that we are even out there. So hows about hooking a brother up with a link or something to give us a hand. Anything would be helpful. thanks man and keep on truckin' chicken strips suck now

Sikman says, "It ain't no rush limbog site, but I am sure u will like". He couldn't be more right about that one. Check out what he's talking about here.

A brother could waste a lot of time on a site like that.

Not nearly much as much time as I have spent fucking around on this site tonight. I just can't spot myself. Too damn fun. Let the whole intro thing play through. Then you change Bush's hair color, clothes, and then have him say different things.

And, unlike most of the hellish shit I link on the site, this one is totally safe for work.

Sure, it's fucking five days late, but what the hell, I'm posting it. Everything I link of this site is five days in the can. At least.

From: zeke Subject: I am weak… I am so weak..... I missed the cross race on Sunday. Not proud of it. Friday night was the Blair Witch ride and it was great. Started at 11ish and we road trail til about 230. Awsome. Saturday I piddled with stuff all day. Saturday night was a Holloween pub crawl but on by a local shop. It was a blast. A small crowd that was a different group than I usually ride with. We hit quite a few bars in the river market area of the city. And then we crossed the bridge to north of the river... that was cool but riding back across the bridge in the heavy fog on the wrong side of the road because it is the only side with a shoulder. spooky. I got home at 530 am... needless to say I didn't make the race on sunday. I didn't wake up early enough to make it and I figured if I rushed to get there I would be miserable. Pukeing was not on my list of things I wanted to do. So I slept... I rode a little to get some food, slept some more. The killer is that the other races I didn't ride much or at all t! he week before and this time I rode plenty, started commuting again, was feeling good and then I fucked my self. Ah well such is life.

Don't worry Zeke, we all still love you man. Got any Bud Lite?

Here's a story 'bout a ride.

From: Mike Subject: Thrilla in Woodinvilla d00d-- There is this MTB club up thisaway called the BBTC. They run a suburban training ride every Thursday night, called the Thrilla in Woodinvilla. Here is my pal Bernie's account of the last edition, which I was too weak (and dry) to ride. None of the names have been changed; all errors are mine. Notes: Kevin "Axe" Axt is the nominal ride leader. He rides single speed, and makes every climb, unless some grandma (such as myself) dismounts in front of him. The Thrilla runs a 20+ mile loop, conveniently starting and ending at the Redhook brewery alongside the Sammamish Slough. A pretty decent training ride. On a good night, I can make every climb without unclipping, so obviously, it's not very technical. I had a moment one time this summer, flatting my front on a howling, 30 MPH descent on the Tolt Pipeline section of the ride. The thought of nearly rolling the tire off the rim at that speed still makes me pucker every time I recall it. Awoo n'shit. So words out da big showdown of the single speed mud slingers is on for tonight. A rumble in the back streets of the brewery district; Woodinville's equivalent of Chicago's South Side. The Axe Man's trash talking Eric DeFufoo like he'z nuth'n. No muscles, no show, predicts the Axe Man. David E. is there waiting when I pull up. No sign of the single speed strongmen. Soon Eric cruize's up in his long black SUV and pulls alongside. "Where is that Axe Man, we've got gears to grind." We wait... and wait... Say it ain't so, Joe. The Axe Man's a no-show. Stared down on his own turf by California DeFufoo. Oh, the shame. The rain is beating down on a bleak night in Woodinvilla. The mighty Axe Man has struck out. We head out down the trail, our spirits as damp as a Snohomish basement. What else could go wrong? We spin down the trail, leaderless, awash in our sorrow. We ride past our turn to the power line trail, missing the guidance of our mentor. Starting up the first climb of the night, I snap my chain. What else could go wrong? We continue into the night. The steady rain washes the sorrow from our souls. Across 202 and up the hill. Across the next ribbon of blacktop entombing mother earth and up the next little ascension we climb. Down the other side we go. It's easy street from here. Damn, when your front tire drops into a six inch deep erosion gully that's NEVER been there before, you don't have a whole lot of decision-making power on which way to go. I start to feel my faith waver in the damp of the night. Wait, no, that's my damned rear tire going flat. What else could go wrong? OK, so maybe the sun IS going to go nova and I should get home in time to increase my life insurance. David agrees to cut short his ride and follow me back home (good luck charm that I am :'). "I know a short cut back that will make a loop out of the ride rather than going back on the trail" says I. OK, so maybe I'm just a wee bit disoriented at night. We make a loop around Education Hill and somehow end up by the new Jr. High pointing 180 degrees opposite the direction I expect. Not to worry, what else could go wrong? After regaining our (my) bearings we head back, cross the power line trail right where we'd left it, cross 116th and take the cyclocross route over to 124th/128th and head up over English Hill. I feel the back getting looser and looser. David says, "you're looking awfully flat in back". No problem, I've seen Kevin ride over curbs with less air in his tires (oh, wait a minute, that's when he bent his rim). We stop and air up the tire; that ought to make it home... What else could go wrong? Up the road we go. Gee, things are a little different and night, in the rain, with NO RIDE LEADER. I turn left looking for the cyclocross cutoff up to the top of the ridge on Hollywood Hill. Oops, dead end. Making the looping left turn out of the cul-de-sac, I just about lay the bike over. Front flat? Nah, I'm in full on denial now; what else could go wrong? We ride on and finally hook up with the Tolt pipeline trail at the top of Hollywood Hill. I stop after turning left onto the trail. David says, "What NOW?". I just grasp my front tire and squeeze it to the rim. David pops out his CO2 inflater this time and we gas it up, hoping it'll make it back. What else could go wrong? We start down the series of descents that will lead us home. I'm afraid to get too far off the main trail, but the "groove" is a couple of inches deep in water. OK, now I'm wet. At least the waterproof socks prove their integrity; They didn't let a drop escape from around my feet. We get to the last descent down to 202. I'm following David and he's way off to the right. Mmm, there's a culvert here somewhere that I should... wap, wap, wap, avoid... Damn it, WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG? I've walked it from here before and that's not a winner. This time, I opt to change tubes (yes, it's raining-- at night you can't even pretend it's liquid sunshine). Back to the cars we ride. We return to our cars with clothes damp but spirits uplifted. Animal count: two kamikaze bunnies, one Eric DeFufoo and zero Kevin Axt.

And, just in case you made it through that last email, I've got some more for ya.

The party just don't stop. Unless it's 10:30. Then, I'm going to bed.

From: mike Subject: campaign dollars pay dividends When you make an investment in George W(rong) Bush's campaign, that investment PAYS off (except of course if you are a kid with asthma, or a fish in a lake, or life on earth or anything like that). "Representatives of the utility industry have been among President Bush's biggest campaign donors, and a change in the enforcement policies has been a top priority of the industry's lobbyists." http://www.nytimes.com/2003/11/06/politics/06EPA.html?hp

Great. More shit news out of Washington.

One more and I'm done, done, done. I went by opening night at Flagstaff's new bbq joint, Bigfoot. It rocks. I had beef brisket, coleslaw, beans, cornbread and peach cobbler. Yeah buddy.

From: Greg Subject: Trek, Satan, AND Giant??? Johnny, I'm gonna have to disagree a little with "I" that wrote in about Zap and Trek, though I also cannot stand Zap. He would always walk around the mountain bike races like he was the king of the world. He knows more about bikes than anyone in the world. If you don't believe me, ask him, he'll tell ya. Many also know that Trek isn't my favorite bike company, but at least they aren't Specialized. I just don't see lumping Giant in there with them. I happen to know that during my time there, and it seems to be the attitude still (generally, because I grant that exceptions will exist), that they tried to increase market share by providing competitive product and treating the dealers well. Not by putting the proverbial "if you pick up brand X, then I'm gonna drop you as a dealer." Anyway, isn't Cambria a large mail order outfit? Mail order serves a purpose, but I hope that "I" wasn't hating on large bike companies for being large. On another note, don't tell the gnome that I been complaining about how cold it is in Phoenix lately. I better shut up and ride.

Greg, I love ya because I knew as soon as I read that email what its effect on you would be. I'll be you couldn't even sit still it pissed you off so much. Man, you're the best. Don't change, ever.

And I would never tell the Gnome you were complaining about it being 70 down in the valley.

Wednesday, November 5, 2003

dirty as all hell   I   sydney moon   I   lesbians rule

Fuck Walmart. They suck. My wife has avoided them for years because of their anti-union stance and for the fact that they refuse to sell Preven, also known as the "morning after pill".

Yes, ladies and gentleman, Walmart does indeed suck big old donkey dick.

When I left for my ride this morning with Snake it was fucking cold. He checked the temp at his place, it was 28 degrees. That is just fucking stupid.

And then I get this:

From: Gnome Subject: Shut the fuck up I'm so tired of hearing you talk.... How about drunkpoliticbabble.com for your non-riding "because it's too cold out side" vagina. Or maybe how about bullshitsoapbox.com or how about Iusetorideandnowallidoiscryaboutthegov.com or mypussyhurtsanditsbelow45degrees.com or canyougivemeatampon.com becauseimapussy.com Fuck you're killing me Go sit next to your heater and talk some acidophilus.

Ahem. Fuck you.

Did you even vote in the last election?

I spent three frozen hours out there today. And it really did suck. I've got to get a better jacket. The shit I was wearing just wasn't doing it.

Good motivation for tomorrow morning when I'll be on my trainer watching video tapes of the Tour where it's warm. In my fucking house. 'Cause there is now way in hell I'm going back out in that a full hour earlier than I left today. Jesus, it'd be in the friggin' teens.

I should just get on the juice like the real men do it in Belgium.

From: William Subject: Trojan Olympics Funny stuff... movie 1 movie 1 movie 1

I like the way it says, "You may only enter if you are over 18 and a resident of the UK."

Uh huh. Well, I'm sitting in a hovel in Flagstaff, Arizona. I figure most of my readers are in the states, 'cept for a few drunken Brits. Guys like Phil the Horse, who is undoubtedly rocking his best facial hair Ulysses S. Grant impersonation, and so stinking drunk right now on rot gut gin that he can't say his own fucking name without vomiting on himself. He might be able to log on and not lie.

Me? I lie.

'Cause I'm a total bitch.

Wanna read about long haul truckers? Cowboy trucker types who write short stories?

Not sure I do.

From: Scott Subject: Stupid cars A long time has past from the cave's of Dominic. Strange thing happened in Portland on Halloween. I had a kid show up at the door wearing the last and latest jersey from TEAM STRADA for his costume. I ask how did you get that jersey? He said the Good Will Store for $3.00. What a bargain! Thats a gonga! Strange that AZ BEEF has that long of an expiration date. Well the daily routine as claims adjuster as a the total loss specialist has made me understand that most drivers are complete idiots and the love for the 1996 Ford Contour stronger than the love of a good blow job. The car lovers of the world hate me when I tell them they are gonna get it in the shorts with my settlement offer. And most of the time I hope they bought the spinner wheels just so i can tell them they are worth shit! Fuck car paint! Car anything, god dam sons of bitches can drive straight anyway. That is why I am talking to them, because they can't control 4000 lbs of shit. My point is cars suck and so does this stupid war. Lets suck some more oil from other natives so this country can totally control the the world supply that makes stupid people drive, crash and try to kill the road cyclist, great! Cars suck!

You mean I could sell my Strada jerseys, shorts, socks and jackets for three dollars? Per item?

Oh fuck yeah. Poppa needs a new pair of shoes.

Best news I've heard all day, "More than four in 10 voters nationwide say they definitely plan to vote against President Bush next year." Read it all here.

I can't wait till the pendulum swings the other way. Gay marriage, legalized marijuana and a black President. Oh, yeah, we'll see all that and more in our lifetimes.

And I'm stoked about it.

More on Clear Channel.

From: gakboy Subject: clear channel revenge I say fuck those pussy DJ's hiding behind their microphones (for that matter, fuck commercial radio). They can say they're not advocating violence against cyclists, and I can say I'm not advocating for people who live in that area to take old rusty bike frames or bike locks and launch them through the windshield of their station's vehicle (which I'm assuming is a hummer or something equally obnoxious), or to pour gatorade in the gas tank, or to work up a gathering & just flip the fucking thing over. Better yet, find the DJ's cars and do all of the above, & if they confront you just take a u-lock & shackle them by the neck to the nearest bike rack so that the whole cycling community can give them a piece. to the velorution

Ah yes, the old tried and true "u-lock 'round the neck" routine. Sounds like a plan to me.

From: Ray Subject: Best way to deal with Clear Channel Advertisers! The stations only survive with advertising dollars. You want to hit them hard? Contact or stop in local advertisers and demand that they reevaluate use of Clear Channel stations. And, the best way is load up a buggy of stuff, roll up to the register and demand to see the manager. Ask them to reevaluate, and then walk away from the cart. Tell them that you will start buying their products again when they stop advertising on radio stations that promote maiming/killing innocent people.

Ray, the calming voice of reason. And to think I already had my rusty bike frame throwing arm all warmed up for some windshield smashing.

I guess I won't be needing this u-lock then either, eh?

One more and I'm out.

From: I Subject: Zap Sucks… Hey Johnny, Just one mtber's opinion, Zap is a fucking clown. He could not have fucked up MB any worse, without depicting the sodemy of children on the front cover. I hope he runs Trek into the ground with equal fervor, hell, take Satan and Giant with them. Your site saved my sanity on more than one hate filled day when I was working at Cambria Bicycles. For that, I thank you.

And for that, you're welcome.

Tuesday, November 4, 2003

chrissy   I   jenna rules   I   bobbi eden

"Iraq money Ok'd on voice vote." Nice work, gentleman. 87 billion and no one is on the record as actually supporting it. Fucking beautiful. Nice out.

Do you folks reading this out there know what a "voice vote" is? Well, I'll tell you.

voice vote - A vote in which the Presiding Officer states the question, then asks those in favor and against to say "Yea" or "Nay," respectively, and announces the result according to his or her judgment. The names or numbers of Senators voting on each side are not recorded.

Read it all here.

The lone dissenter? Senator Robert Byrd.

What the fuck is wrong with there people? They're already backpedaling and covering their asses. Because they know they fucked up and fucked huge.

"I probably made a mistake, along with others, in not having a roll call," said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), the majority whip. "In retrospect, I think we probably should have had a vote on as big a piece of legislation as that was."

Um, gee, ya think?

"I guess you would figure it was in everyone's best interest not to vote on this," said Lott, the former majority leader.

Thanks. Appreciate all the hard work you boys are doing out there in Washington. Good looking out.

Great article on this over at antiwar.com. And, Byrd's speech is not to be missed.

The man may well have a past I cannot understand, and had some recent comments attributed to him that are downright unsavory. But, he's talking to a brother right now. Did I mention he is was the only Senator to vote against this ridiculousness?

Check out the haps at down the road. Hard times in Peru…

And, hey, Liberals like Christ. Uh, yeah. And that is one dark skinned Jesus. I thought he was blond haired, blue eyed and spoke flawless German?

You had better turn down your speakers before checking out that link. The music that loads at that page just plain sucks. But, this is great fun.

From: Mike Subject: regarding this regarding this: azcyclocross.com/bukwyld_com/halloween_2003 It is pretty fukkin clear that the "men" in your cycling circles have very confused sexual identities, and the women are hot. I'm gonna dance w/ your dates now.

Dance on brother, dance on.

"When the Bushies say they want the bad news put in perspective, do they really mean they don't want it reported at all?"

Oh well.

From: McCann Subject: Low percentage pick up lines Low-Percentage Pick-Up Lines by Jason Roth Give me five good reasons why I ought to fuck you tonight. Do you practice abstinence? Would you like to practice it with me? I'm sure we could get it right eventually. Has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like the girl I'm about to fuck? I think I've seen you in my dreams. Are you always such a slut? Those pants make you look fat. I suggest you take them off. I'm currently interviewing for a position in my bedroom. Qualifications include: good people skills, a willingness to work under pressure, and the ability to juggle more than one task at a time. What would your parents say if they knew that you slept with me? I'll bet you $250 plus tax that you're wrong. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your ability to leave an apartment quickly after being ejaculated onto?

Now that I've pretty much eliminated any chance, however slight, I had of making it into heaven by posting that fucking email, I'll move on to other things.

Things like this.

From: Tall Paul Subject: Maybe Shakes wasn't the best choice for this spot...... Check this out... wiredvideo.com/clips/av2/techtvblooper.wmv

I am so going to hell. Fuckin' Shakes. Damn, the guy is just mess, ain't he? And, just in case I had any chance at all of not going to hell, I'll post this letter and make damn sure I'm fucked with Old Saint Pete. Goodbye Pearly Gates.

From: Troy Subject: What can happen with wedding cameras Question: What can happen with disposable cameras that you hand out to guests at your wedding? Answer: If you really want the answer and don't mind seeing some ass then click: WeddingPhoto.jpg

Monday, November 3, 2003

veronica zemanova   I   amy miller   I   patricia

I found this off to the side on one of the webpages I linked yesterday railing on chickenhawks.

"I am angry that so many of the sons of the powerful and well-placed... managed to wangle slots in Reserve and National Guard units...Of the many tragedies of Vietnam, this raw class discrimination strikes me as the most damaging to the ideal that all Americans are created equal and owe equal allegiance to their country." (Colin Powell's autobiography, My American Journey, p. 148)

Just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, don't it?

Here is a list of all the men and women who died in Vietnam who were from Arizona. Listed by hometown. There is a list of every state in the union at the NARA research room.

I don't think the list for Iraq will ever get as large. But the fact that we have one at all rally pisses me off.

Anyone up for some depleted uranium? Sounds like good fun.

Fuck war.

Hung out with the Gnome a bit tonight. Knocked back a few glasses of scotch with Big Pun as well. I had two, he had five. Yeah, mine were doubles, but so were his first four. God damn.

Watched Gnomie hook up Jackass Justin's bob trailer that has been at my house for about half the time he's owned the fucking thing to the back of his cross bike and load up a few things he's had hanging 'round the place. His brethren collection, three garden gnomes in plaster glory (don't ask where we got them) and his state championship medal windchimes. Yep. You've got to love a guy with enough medals to make a windchime.

How many medals do I have? Zero.

And like Bensey say's "all you have to do is click on the link."

From: M@rk Subject: F'ing Clear Channel Update Hey Jonny, I am sure by now that you have heard about this little f - up that Clear Channel Communications made a couple of months ago. The whole story can be seen at this website http://www.trirats.org/ they have the most up to date info. Here is the update… Update on the Clear Channel "Kill Road Cyclists" scandal: There are two groups of negotiators scheduled to meet with Clear Channel executives this week. We are hoping to get them to agree to a number of things, the most important being a nationwide "Share the Road" campaign to launch next spring. Please send an e-mail (between now and Friday, Nov 7) protesting Clear Channel's broadcasting of anti-bicycle programs to: johnhogan@clearchannel.com omarthompson@clearchannel.com lisadollinger@clearchannel.com This is the final sprint to the finish. A lot rests on the next few days. This is when the bicycling community can take a stand and make a difference. Your e-mail does not need to be lengthy or detailed. Communicating the basic message that bicyclists will not tolerate this type of programming is what is important. If you have friends or family who also agree that Clear Channel should not promote violence against bicyclists, forward this to them.

My man Pete says, "Clear Channel is the enemy".

I'm sayin' fuck Clear Channel. Straight up fuck those guys. I've been hit by cars five or six times, and there ain't nothin' funny about it.

Sunday, November 2, 2003

bobbi eden   I   dejan   I   jana cova

"I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11

Today's ride was up Snowbowl road with some "big gear efforts". Let me assure you, good times were had. Three guys wheezing as they pushed a huge gear for eight minutes at a time. Well, one guy wheezing. The other two, neither of whom were me, did not see to wheeze as much.

Kinda seems like my little problem, doesn't it?

I guess this is what the large and in charge do this time of year. Instead of, I suppose, the just plain large. My man Big Pun is down at some bar watching football as we speak. And, he probably has more liquor in him already today than I drank all last month. He's hard. And I am soft.

I myself am going to catch the second half of the Eagles - Falcons game with Brinky. The Eagles were up 10 zip when I laid down for a nap. I woke up to a halftime score if 13 to ten, Atlanta in the lead. What the fuck?

Speaking of which:

From: Peter Subject: E.A.G.L.E.S. ...or not, they suck, but these are kinda funny. Hey I can laugh, I'm a Redskin's fan. You rock Jonny, keep dishing the porn. Q, Who is the only man in the world who can overthrow Sadam Hussein? A. Donovan McNabb. Q. What's the difference between the Eagles and the Taliban? A. The Taliban has a running game. Q. What's the difference between the Eagles and the US Military? A. The US Military has an air attack. Q. What do the Eagles and Billy Graham have in common? A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ." Q. How do you keep an Eagles player out of your yard? A. Draw a goal line there. Q. What's the difference between the Eagles and a dollar bill? A. You can get four good quarters out of a dollar bill. Q. What do you call 50 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A. The Philadelphia Eagles. Q. How can you tell when the Eagles are going to run the football? A. Duce Staley leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes. Q. What do the Eagles and possums have in common? A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road. Q. Why was Todd Pinkston upset when the Eagles playbook was stolen? A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Man, that sucked. I hope to god we win today. Oh please, oh please.

Some words from Flakeman, our man on the east coast. Yeah, he's keepin' it real. And stuff.

From: Flakeman Subject: Mr. Mumblejockey Riflesmith Mr Friend to me, the guy with the very nice internet place, and Mister Guy Man who works at the Shop Place with the tools: I came to your shop place the other day and I am sure you remember me because I am the friend of your shop owner. We went to the Mr. Woodshop together in the 7th grade and he kicked my ass and owes me BIGTIME. So anyway I have a Pilot Fyter Super Ass Bike off the cover of MTBAction because of I can get what I want and my job. I need for you the man of Tool Area by the Toilet Room to fix my bike but fast because of my lunch with Gary Fisher from cable TV. So I ran over It because of my damn kid who I probably will go home and kick in the face depending on how much you say this is costing. Worthless Little Idiot. You can also bend back the ass triangle for me since I am a precision Rifle for Hunting maker and I make so much money because of that and how much I know about everything, including how the ass triangle will be fine even though the wheel slits are touching together right now. Also before that you should take er for a spin around for a while because of the ass- face back fork shock which also is the best thing ever at least as far as the most expensive goes. But yeah, It makes a wicked ticky, like klt,klt,klt,klt POW! sound. So You'll hear that So I'll be in soon, you'll see me because of how awesome I am and my race tag number money still on my handlebars and I'll be talking super loud on my super awesome walkie-talkie awesome phone. (I'm sure it's covered under warranty since it IS a mountain bike, Did you ever consider going to college?)

Dude, just G that shit up with some bailing wire.

Word.

I see you are still toiling in the trenches of bicycle retail as I am, oh brother. What is it that keeps bringing us back into the fold? Are we incapable of functioning in greater society? Are we, like Bill O'Reilly says, selling ourselves short by not working in the corporate world?

Ah, fuck it. We are the white trash underbelly of the bike industry. Fear us and employ us or we will rape you wife and eat your children. And, steal your bike as well.

From: Mike Subject: Re: Cost the cleaning will be done with the soap of blood of young men and women who have not yet lived. I'm old enough to remember vietnam very well, and when I watch the "mistakes" (outright arrogance?) of this President, it is as though Vietnam did not exist for him .... there was a show called "The American Experience".... I don't know if it is on PBS anymore since I threw my television out the window many years ago ... but it is as though we have a President who knows nothing of the true history of the American Experience, and he just grew up in some Ra Ra high school football game or something, and in knowing nothing, his policies are ones of ignorance. He is the most ignorant President in; human history, American history, the Constitution, the evolution of civil rights, and everything that makes us a wonderful place to be a citizen, that we have ever had. Now, in our moment of great need, and in these most complex of times, we have an ignorant man forcing his will upon the world. A man who dictated the subversion of the intelligence community, it his predecision to invade Iraq. The objective analysis of our intelligence force, is one of the things that is critically important, and now the this bully has warped it, he has placed us all in danger. He has virtually guaranteed the long-term survival of Al Qaeda by occupying Iraq and creating such obvious injustice that is an inevitable result of occupation.

Right here, you nailed it to the fucking wall: "I'm old enough to remember Vietnam very well, and when I watch the "mistakes" (outright arrogance?) of this President, it is as though Vietnam did not exist for him ".

Vietnam did not exist for him. Or any of those other chickenhawk bastards. They were the insulated ones, those with rich and well connected parents or some other way out of service. Almost each and every one of the current administration officials, including Bush, who were hell bent on going to war with Iraq deferred, or in short, avoided, their military service in the Vietnam era.

Or, scored cush placements with the National Guard and remained stateside during the conflict.

In case you don't know, a Chickenhawk is defined as:

Chickenhawk n. A person enthusiastic about war, provided someone else fights it; particularly when that enthusiasm is undimmed by personal experience with war; most emphatically when that lack of experience came in spite of ample opportunity in that person's youth.

Yeah. Great bunch of guys. Really. Click here to order a set of chickenhawk trading cards for your gaming pleasure. Hey, who wouldn't enjoy a set of these babies for Christmas?

"For man also knoweth not his time: as the fishes that are taken in an evil net, and as the birds that are caught in the snare; so are the sons of men snared in an evil time, when it falleth suddenly upon them." Ecclesiastes 9:12

What is it with the Bible quotes? I dunno. Read a couple and figured, fuck it, seems to fit in with the whole Iraq thing I've been rolling.

From: David Subject: no subject Big Jonny, This is David Nelson, I'm goin to japan with the national team on wednesday to do the tour of okinawa. There's more info about it at the usa cycling web page the link is below. But something up on drunkcyclist. Its fuckin cool. usacycling.org/news/user/story.php?id=481

Damn straight, David. Good luck out there. And I see Chad Beyer is going as well. Big ups.

Saturday, November 1, 2003

vickie   I   brianna   I   bailey

Oldie but a goody. Click here to read 'bout Bike Sumo.

And while I'm straight up diggin' in the crates, check this out. Bikes are cool. I've got twelve.

My computer was so fucked up on Friday, I couldn't get this squared away. So, it had to sit till today. Too bad both machines can't work interchangeably. Wouldn't that be nice? Yes, there are two computers I the drunkcyclist world headquarters. Amazing, isn't it?

So I guess I'm aiming for a Saturday post then. Great. Whoopee.

Don't ya just love Philly? "A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he was tackled by neighbors, police said Friday." Read it all here.

From: Bruce Subject: Death of Trek? Trek hires Zap? shutupandride.ca/articles/

Hmmmm. "Espinoza's role as Brand Manager will include everything from overseeing web site functions…" I wonder if he'll be ringing me up for advice?

I wonder if I'd answer the phone?

Is this right?

From: Scott Subject: Jessica F'ing Lynch Czech this out. The Iraqi dude that essentially is the reason Jessica Lynch is now living in America. The guy risks his life, and that of his family going back and forth getting intelligence for our troops to raid the place she was being held. Well, he was in West Virginia recently for four days. He wanted to meet the girl, who is now a celebrity and still alive because of him. The state made him an honorary West Virginia. Well, long story short is that he never saw her on his visit. The reason the "family spokesperson" gave was that she was too busy promoting her book that is being released next year. Yep, that sounds about right. Would someone tell me what the hell is going on!?!?! Ugh, makes you wonder about helping people out sometimes. Solid site.. Later

Read about visit to Palestine, West Virginia this week on the Herald Dispatch webpage. Seems she wasn't available, and neither were her parents. Although they were all apparently in Palestine at the time.

Classy.

Maybe they'll be available later?

You may want to read this little ditty about the rescue of Jessica. Strange things.

My man Bobby sent in this link to a Michael Moore interview from Democracy Now up on Guerrilla News. He said it is "another must read". I happen to agree with him, but then again, I'm a pussy (eating) liberal schmuck, and what the hell do I know?

From: otto Subject: no subject yo man, what's up? i just gotta say something about the dude who wrote in from the aircraft carrier. bush was an awol motherfucker and i don't believe any real military man could respect that, and if they could, they still wouldn't see past all the money and medical care he stole from them. besides that, if the position is a dangerous as his b.s. claimed it to be, shouldn't we be a little mad that he would risk even more fucking lives for a good photo op? c'mon, the man cat eat a pretzel, he sure as hell can't land a fucking airplane. "I'm the commander, I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the President. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation...." "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." "We know that the regime has produced thousands of tons of chemical agents ..." all are examples of the insight and honesty of our inept dictator, george 'the pretzel' bush

The whole airplane thing was so ridiculous, it borders on the retarded. I thought it was nothing more than cheap opportunism at them time and now it seems the screws are getting turned. As they should be, I might add.

From: Jason Subject: no subject Jonny, Since Shrub's carrier landing seems to be a popular subject as of late, I thought this might interest you. It cost us a million fucking dollars for him to play pilot, and he was easily within helicopter range. If what he did was as risky as the one dude says, that makes it even worse. He risked the pilot's life and the plane for a goddamn photo op. If only he had been this gung ho to fly when he was AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard for a year and a half. straitstimes.asia1.com.sg/iraqwar/

It is the subject of late, isn't it?

Elliot Smith, one for my wife's all time favorites, has died. Read about it here. All I want to know is where was Courtney Love during all of this? Suicide, self inflicted wound, isn't that her M.O.