Check out my man Steve Garro's new gig, Coconino Cycles. He's making some damn nice looking bikes up here in Flagstaff. He's a total wingnut, the kind of guy you won't soon forget.

I think we only rode for about four hours today. I'm not really sure, 'cause I ran out of water and it all got a bit wacky after awhile. A couple of bottles emptied in quick succession care of Snake and I pulled out of it.

Running out of water isn't something I would recommend. It pretty much just sucked. I thought two bottles and a hydrapak would be enough, but no, no it wasn't. I needed a fair bit more today.

I don't know what I'm going to have to do tomorrow. Today's plan was a failure. I need to just not crack. It's been a little bit on the warm side up here and I'm turning into a wussy. Straight up wussy.

Go check out Hunter Cycles. I have it on good authority that the guy who runs that joint is " a great guy, a fucking unbelievably fast bike rider, fillet brazes all his frames, and is not to shabby at basketball."

This next email might may seem a bit odd, as you're stepping into the middle of an ongoing conversation. But, just walking in it'll be funny. Trust me.

From: J Subject: Re: big old mass email There's actually an almost funny story behind it. I was up in Oregon at the Spring Thaw (You'd be proud, I missed both the XC and the DH events completely from partying the nights before. I mean I actually came home each morning after the events started. No pretense of "Oh shit! I gotta go race" whatsoever. Didn't even get to my booth the first day until after the race was over.) and I was driving back from Medford to Ashland with Jason, his girlfriend Jamie, and my friend Elana, and we passed an Adult Store along I-5 and I said, "I could use a few adults," and both of the girls giggled in that kind of way that says, "Let's go do something our mother's wouldn't approve of," and that was all the prompting I needed. The sign was right next to the highway, but it was a pain in the ass to find from the exit. It was behind the Wal-Mart or whatever community killer, so that you had to go through the parking lot, around the back, between two buildings, and through a gravel lot to get there. I'm surprised there wasn't a moat. Anyway, we park in front, I catch the girls doing a quick, "are you sure about this?" look at each other in the rear-view, and we head in to what turns out to be the most non-threatening porn shop I've ever been in (and that includes Good Vibrations, the "bay area's original female run adult chain"). Meaning boring. Well lit. Softcore labels on all the boxes. Truly private screening rooms. Not a trace of jiz anywhere. AND... it didn't reek of cigarettes. It was odd, I actually made eye contact with another "patron," and I didn't get the weird vibe like he was coring me with his eyes or about to go kill himself from the shame of being caught. I felt calm. Which of course raised many red flags and triggered a surprisingly adrenal flight response. And then I saw Jenna, and I knew all was right because she said "Limited Edition," and "Removable Costume." At that same time Elana reached around from behind me and grabbed my package. To which I responded by quickly making the purchase, hustling everyone back into the car, hauling ass back to Ashland, and killing my dry-streak with a ribbed, latex covered steak through the heart. Good stuff indeed.

This coming Friday is the 4th of July. And here in Arizona, that means oly one thing. Cruiser Nation.

It's mass start, downhill cruiser race. One speeds only, please. The winner gets to hold a pretty badass trophy and get his picture taken. It fucking rules.

I'm going to miss it this year as I'm fucking working on Friday. Fuck me. And this is the tenth year too. Damn it all to hell.

If you're into it, be at the top of Moto trail, on the pipeline at high noon. Come early and be ready to swill some lager.

When asked what participants should bring, my man Dan told me, "bring beer and all the drugs you can take."

Sounds good to me.

And the Tour starts on Saturday. Get your bets in now, boys. This here's gonna be a good one.

Sunday, June 29, 2003

nikki nova   I   veronica zemanova   I   lesbians rule

We rode the "safari ride" tonight and it was grand. Highlights included, but were not limited to, multiple elk sightings, seeing a snake in the road, a couple of deer, and seeing Ang totally stack it.

I'd say it was her worst wreck of her cycling career. A long a stored career spanning, well, about the last five weeks. She went big and went down hard. A nice endo on a rock strewn downhill complete with a big dusty "poof" in the dry powder we have around here for dirt these days. Yeah, we could use a little rain.

She came up dirty and a bit shakin. Took a good hit in the side of her helmet, forearm and shoulder. It was one of those all entangled in the bike, how the fuck do I get up, what the fuck just happened moments. And I was glad to have witnessed it.

She, on the other hand, was not glad I had witnessed it. She would have rather pulled that one of in the comfort of secrecy. Instead, I saw the whole thing and can talk about it now. With total strangers. I am so kind.

It stopped just short of the classic "scorpion" pose where you're heels hit you in the back as you totally and completely eat it.

Just short. Just almost there.

Better luck next time, kid.

She's a trooper and she'll be back. Won't let this one hold her down. No sir.

In other good news, I've sorted out an outgoing email server and have just purged my laptop of 30 odd emails I wrote weeks back and couldn't send. What a fucking drag. I'm damn glad that's over with. Damn straight.

Don't let this happen to you.

I've no idea what is going on with this webpage. None.

What kid wouldn't want a Hi - Bird Stormy Terrific this Christmas? That bike is quality through and through. Same with the rest of this nuttiness. Ain't this one pimp?

From: Steve Subject: Hurl got spooned hurl is a huge fag when he's away from his hometown crew...pride week indeed.. machtalchemy.com/hurl/hurl.html there's nothin like a great man sandwich

And don't ya just love reading about shit like this?

The Gnome is back in town and he brought Sadow with him. A couple of days in the northland for both of those Tucson fucks. They've been sweating their balls off down there in the desert heat; they deserve this little slice of heaven.

Tomorrow, we ride.

Friday, June 27, 2003

juki   I   jenna rules   I   veronica zemanova

Fucking Friday and everything is all right. Sure, the fucking dog took a leap over the fence and is no where to be found. Yeah, that happens all the time with that bitch, but I come to expect it these days.

She pretty much runs the show. I just like to pretend I have any say in how things work around here. Truth be told, I'm down a few rungs on the old ladder. I don't mean much to her it seems.

Yeah, I feed her and all that. But it seems she isn't all that impressed with what I'm doing. At least, that's the impression I get.

I have a buddy, who I will call "zoolander", who lives down in Phoenix. He was going to drive up tonight, but he called with "some other plans". I haven't quite figured out just what to call him as his exploits are legendary. I've known him for years and it ain't easy to nail down one thing to call him.

There has been some male modeling, so "zoolader" will do for now.

Since those "other plans" of his are spelled "h o t c h i c k". it's ok. Really. You can't hold something like that against a brother. I'd do it to him. And probably have at one time of another. Maybe even twice.

I'll be meeting some guys for a ride tomorrow morning at 6:00 am. It is going to hurt. And hurt bad. Fuck it.

From: Mike Subject: Hatch/Athlete's Octane Hey Big Johnny, I'm an older dude (not too old to enjoy your site!). I've been racing bikes and (road and MTN) for almost 15 years. I think Orrin Hatch couldn't find his ass with a flashlight and two hands. That old mormon wants everyone to have 17 wives and drink pepsi. Anyway, been using the Athlete's Octane stuff that you always talk about. There is no doubt that that stuff works. I used to get pretty sore after a hard day in the saddle and now it's honestly like I'm ready to go again the next day. I was buying all that stuff in pills anyway. I've been lurking and listening to all your fans but have never chimed in. Keep it coming and throw in some more porno movie downloads. That'll keep us old farts coming around.

You damn well got that right. Hatch sucks the big one. And Athlete Octane rocks.

I'm looking into some ways to post more (any) vids for download. It's all about the bandwidth. Look for some improvements in that department in the near future.

I hope.

From: Cory Subject: Fun with zip ties Jonny, Having worked in shops in white trash headquarters, U.S.A (St. Louis) I've learned to love the zip tie through the front wheel of kid's bike tires. Good shit, kids get frustrated and head for the exercise bike. Which, of course, is locked down. Keep on Keepin' on, and keep sending us that liberal, communist tree hugger stuff that hopefully will open some eyes.

It's so simple, it just might work. God damn. I love it. I may start that project tomorrow.

And just like that, the bitch walks right through the front door. Like she fucking owns the place. She's been gone for hours. Doesn't tell me where she's going, when she'll be back. Nothing.

She just walks back into my life. What do I do? I fall all over myself like a totally jackass.

You just gotta love that damn dog. C'mere cutie. How's about a treat?

Thursday, June 26, 2003

huge boobs   I   more huge boobs   I   nikki nova

I was interviewed on riot radio tonight. I didn't have much advance notice, and I'm not much for self promotion so I didn't mention it before hand. They record the show on Thursday nights and loop it for a week, so you all have plenty of chances to make fun of my stupid ass.

This girl is part of the show, and she thought me wearing lycra might just be funny. I'd let her rub my ass checks if she asked. If I would have answered some trivia questions for her, she would have sent me a pic of herself all naked and shit.

I wanted to ask her some trivia and see if she could get me naked.

I'll tell ya this much, she could have answered it was none other than Boy George to who took the overall in the Giro last year and won the get jonny nude contest tonight. I'm easy like Sunday morning.

Aside from that, a whole bunch of nothing happened with me today. I am one boring ass mother fucker.

At one point today a woman came into the shop with her two kids. The older, the daughter, of the pair started running hot laps around the showroom on one of our kids bikes. Of course it was one with white tires. Of course we have packing tape around the tire to keep it white. Of course the tape came off.

Of course the tape got wound up around the sprocket. Of course the kid kept pedaling furiously until the bike stopped dead in its tracks. Of course, I had to fix it while the fucking kid went for another bike.

And Mom just watched this whole thing play out. Fucking bitch city. Damn. I gotta find something else to do for my money.

I hear selling my blood can make some quick cash. And then I'll get drunk quick on two beers. Talk about saving some money.

Go check out these links. One and then two.

Good times.

Charles sent in this link and he said, "Do not forget to click "next page".

I won't, Charles. I won't.

From: Todd Subject: link If you don't know Greg Palast, you should. This seems so shady, but it was on the BBC news (a fairly reputable source) when we lived in Holland. Didn't seem to make it over the ocean, wonder why? Check out gregpalast.com for more. You, don't change. Ever. pray for me, BSG is this weekend. From the site.... Cumulative elevation change is approximately 9000 feet with the climb up to the gap at Snake Mountain, milepoint 63, reaching an 18-20% grade near the top. Yikes!!

Yeah, that sure does seem shady. Shady like a mother fucker.

Good luck this weekend. That sounds hard as hell. You're just the man for it. Hard like a criminal.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

chicks on bikes   I   chicks on bikes   I   veronica zemamova

Hoo haa, good old Wednesday. The hump day. Good to get on by that ugly mother fucker.

I'm like Jonny "Mad Dog" Ashcroft today. I'm all up in it.

I think I rode for all of an hour today. It was grand. Almost as grand as el guapo. Word.

You might like this. It's a "Reading of George Orwell’s Classic Work 1984 Interspersed With Recent News Clips From President Bush and Others."

And it's cool.

From: Mike Subject: Re: Hatch is an asshole sltrib.com/2003/Jun/06252003/ yeah, it's the lycra assholes run in families, read this article about Orrin Hatch's son, and though he is a man that makes over a million dollars a year (and it's not by merit, people know where to go to keep daddy happy) he relishes picking on a woman who has dedicated her life to keeping six boy whole. What a total fukking prick. sltrib.com/2003/Jun/06242003/

Read this while the link still works.

Bobby calls this "fine summer reading". Check it out here. And Kris say, "You have to check this site out....NOW!

Kelly send in these three links. one and two and three.

From: James Subject: Thong Man Memorial Ride I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Thong Man, but he's a San Antonio resident who likes to shake the city up by riding his road bike through the city in nothing but a thong and leather loafers. He got some press recently, and it must have gotten to him because he committed suicide in Big Bend park earlier this week. news story link This man is deserving of SOMETHING to remember his free wheeling spirit, and so a group of Dallas mtb'ers are having a ride in thongs at a local trail tomorrow evening in his memory. ride announcement link You might want to put something up on your site for him, dude, he rode around in a thong. The chaffing along must have been almost unbearable. Too bad he never capitalized on his notoriety by getting sponsorship from misc. Butt Cream manufacturers. Love your site, by the way. You have more than a couple of readers here in Dallas.

Dude, the Thong Man ruled. Fucking guy just plain ruled.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

hotter than july   I   you gotta be kidding   I   nikki nova

Jason writes in and says, "and you thought you had it bad." No shit. Damn. What a fucked up story.

I love a good press release.

From: Simon Subject: Dave Zabriskie Press Release June 23, 2003 - www.davezabriskie.com LIVE Tiburon, CA -- Kore Koncepts LLC is proud to announce that www.davezabriskie.com is live. Dave Zabriskie of the United States Postal Service Pro Cycling Team, which is presented by Berry Floor is recovering from injuries sustained during a training accident on May 27, 2003 in his hometown of Salt Lake City, Utah. This forced time away from the bike has allowed him the opportunity to join the ranks of cyclists with personal WebPages. "A WebPage is something I never really thought much about. With nothing but pain and television to occupy my time over the last few weeks I thought it might be a good venue to vent my frustrations and share my accomplishments," stated Zabriskie. Dave is recovering well and has begun therapy for both his broken wrist and leg. It is expected that he will be able to lightly pedal his bicycle on a stationary trainer during the weeks to come and perhaps make a racing appearance before the season is through. Zabriskie noted that, "I would like to be back on the bike and racing as soon as possible, but I am young and have many years ahead of me so I think the best approach is to be extremely conservative. I want everything to heal properly and I don't jeopardize my racing future in any way. That said, there is nothing I would rather be able to do than get out for a ride, my tan lines are fading!" Look for Zabriskie, the oft noted comedian to share his unique ways upon his now live website.

Windy and cold today in Flagstaff. My neighbor says, what is this October? I've got to agree with him. This ain't summer. I'm not really sure what it is, but it ain't summer.

I thought about a little ridey ride this morning, but that's about all I did about it. Think a little. I imagine I'll get out there and do a little sumptin' sumptin'. Soon. Maybe.

When it's cold like this, I'd like to die.

Pretty much, yeah. Anyone actually like Orrin Hatch? I wonder if I already posted this email? What am I doing?

From: northwave Subject: BARS virus warning I guess you should be told about this: The World Health Organization (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer Alcohol Requirement Syndrome). A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day. Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing. In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??" If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday. Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce.

Oh God, the horror, the horror. I wouldn't know anything about that, I never touch the stuff.

Like my girl Amy once said, "I'm not drinking tonight. Unless they're serving alcohol."

The chances of my actually donning lycra and pedaling around in the woods are falling faster than, well, how about faster than a kid tossed out a seventh story window?

I'm looking more and more like the king of all bike builders and not much of a bike rider this week. And here's a pre-emotive "fuck you snake". I already know just what he's going to be sayin' next time I run into that bastard.

More on the email front.

From: Tony Subject: Single Speed Travelor Hows it going? All is well on my side of the Atlantic at the moment, just got my first fixed to join my beautiful off road single speed. The forest is now dry after another horrid wet winter and everything is looking up. College starts for me in September, I'm going to be a full time adult student at college in Oxford for a year, and then... who knows it should be fun. Now mate, I was wondering if you could promote me a little, I'm traveling to Cancun on the 30th of June, spending 23 days there before jetting up to New York for two weeks. Now, I know New York has a big single speed scene, and I'm thinking of getting my bike flown over from the UK for this part of the trip, and I fancy meeting up with some of the locals/bike shops in the big apple, so I was wondering if you could stick my name and website address and a few details me and what I'm doing on your website, after all, it is always better to be invited to a party instead of gatecrashing.

If you are up in New York and would like to extend a little of that east coast hospitality to a fellow single speed head, feel free to send Tony an email.

Spooner's site, lameking.net, is back up. Thank God for that. That kid rules. He'll be President someday, mark my words.

Liz Phair the new Avril Lavigne? What the fuck does that mean? My wife was rocking out to that shit back when Lavigne was in junior high. Oh wait, that was last year. When Lavigne was in elementary school.

Oh fuck it. It was ten years ago, whatever it's worth. Check out the Liz Phair homepage for snippits of her new album if'n ya want.

Snakes race report from last weekend as follows.

From: Rubelt Subject: Snowflake report Well I got to give props to AJ and the folks at Pro Con for puttin on a cool race. I think I can speak for myself and Tex that we both had a great time. Its good to see that a promoter is willing to go out and find some new courses for us to race on. Its sad though that there were only a few of us to enjoy the courses. It just goes to show you that the pussies in AZ think that if they do their 15 or so races that they are burnt and tired. These people don't even know what its like to train let alone race a full season. So on to the race report. My team came in almost full force so for the fellas that think that it was tough just be glad that we didn't have the full squad there. The RR and CC were some of the best courses that I've raced this year. AJs report was accurate, all but the speed. When he threw up the first prime of the day my main man B. Lemke said hop on for the lead out. I told him before the race the faster the better. Well Brian the Bullet winds it up to what I thought was about 35 or so. Turns out its more like 45. uggg Tex tries to come around me and almost nips me on the line but with a bike throw I was able to win the prime. I realize at this point that we are hauling ass with a corner coming up. We both barely make it. I look over at Tex and ask how fast were we going. He pushes some buttons on his laptop size computer that he has strapped to his bike. He looks over after downloading the data and smiles and says I got 49.5 and you beat me so lets say you were going a cool 50!!! Fuck man those down hill sprints are fast. So now to the end. We were able to get the Green Apple off to almost lap the entire field. I have to give props to the Green Apple because with the wind and course that day this was a huge effort. So now to the last half mile or so. Tex and I and another sprinter came almost to a dead stop before the sprint. It was like I was in the Tour. Weird was the word that came to mind. 3 guys waiting it out. There was a couple of times that I thought that I was going to have to clip out and put a foot down because of the lack of speed. Anyway Tex jumps first trying to get the gap. He almost had it but a huge effort by the dude brings me and him back up to Tex. So Tex is pissed and like all good sprinters takes it to the curb. So me being the opportunist that I am I box the dude in hoping that Tex and I will crush him. At this time the sprint is going down hill and the speed is heating up. Only the problem is my shifting wasn't working so good so the chain aint dropping to the 11. Damn....... Finally with 100 m to go or so it drops. I put it down like this was going to be the last one my life. I was able to nip both Tex and the other at the line. This is when the shit hit the fan. Because of the malfunction of the bike I had to throw it at the line. Well when I did this I didn't get a chance to slow down for the upcoming corner. As soon as I realized that this wasn't a good situation I applied some pressure to the breaks. Well the carbon wheels that I was using decided to lock up. Uh No!!! The bike starts to fishtail so I let up with the pressure and the bike goes strait at this point for the curb. So at this point I say fuck it and jump the whole fucking thing. As I do this the next thing I know I'm in a drive way with a garage door coming up fast. I am able to get both tires to lock up with a small drift to the right and I stopped about 5 inches from the door. Weeeeeee. Nothing like winning a 50 mile and hour sprint jumping a medium and ending up in a driveway. Moral to the story.... men don't clip out, men sprint in the 11, and men race all fucking season not just in Feb,Mar,April,May.

Monday, June 23, 2003

big boob vids   I   milf vids   I   more milf vids

To say my head hurt today would be a bit of an understatement. I put away a fucking river of Heineken yesterday afternoon. It haunted me for most of my day.

And then the river of mud came. Good times. God, I love drinking.

And this guy is totally out of his fucking mind.

I gave up on riding today and went down to the shop to assemble some bikes. I think I put all of one together. It was a woman's five speed cruiser. That's how much I suck. Then, I just moved things around and stacked boxes on top of one another.

link to sweetapples.com

I tell ya, I just don't know. Is it all really just about riding bikes? Can it be that simple? Some days it sure seems at though it is. Just a bike and the time to ride it makes everything in the world Ok somehow.

This is some sad news. The thong man is dead.

From: Rex Subject: Supergo? you poor souls Please promise that you'll never even ride past the Supergo (AKA SuperHoes) store once it goes up in your town! I live out in Santa Barbara, CA and I have been in almost all of the Supergo stores out here and let me tell you they are all the same, shitty. I don't patronize these stores anymore simply because every time I have been in one of them their employees are complete idiots. I know this has happened to every cyclist...you break something on your bike so you need to go to the bike shop and replace whatever it is, you talk to the one of the employees only to find out he/she has never ridden a bike so after 15 minutes explaining that you need one of those long round black things, a tube, you leave the store feeling not only pissed but you also feel dirty for having to deal with such incompetence, well take that situation and multiply it 100 and that is Supergo.

I think that about says it all, doesn't it?

There was a race this weekend in Arizona. The Northeast Classic put on by the fine folks at Procon.

I don't have all the results yet, but I can share this email with ya.

From: AJ Subject: Northeast AZ Classic & the Snake I have to tell you about this one. We had our little circuit race and criterium up in Snowflake this past weekend. Had a blast. What really struck me was in the cat1-2 crit sprint finish. Jake and a couple of others are going balls to the wall fast for glory at the line. They finish and one of the most amazing examples of bike handling is displayed by the snake. Here is what happened: Jake comes screaming past the line at about 40 mph, goes to slow down and in the 6000 foot oxygen post sprint deprived state of mind locks a wheel. This causes the bike to fishtail and head directly for the curb and yours truly. I am thinking, oh shit he is going to stack it right into me and somebody is going to be in pain. Nope, not only does the snake NOT loose control, he carries the speed thought the corner with the bike slipping around like a fish out of water. Then bunny hops the concrete median divider onto the opposite sidewalk and up into some guys lawn. The man does not even clip out!!!! Impressive to say the least. I would have shit bricks the size of Kansas if that was me. Probably would have been in the ER too.

Yep, Snake is a bad man.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

nina   I   trisha   I   nikki nova

I logged in two plus hours in Our Lady of Mount Carmel church down in Tempe today. If fucking sucked. I thought I was going to kill myself to make it all end. Couldn't believe it. I hate the fucking church.

Oh, do I ever.

Mindless fucking sheep lining up for their weekly dose of spoon-fed bullshit. Let's all pretend there is an old man up in the sky. He's got a beard, looks kinda like Santa Claus and he loves you. He loves you so much in fact, that he sent his only son down here with us regular folk to die.

And not just die like all of us poor fucks will, no, this bastard got nailed to a board and hung for a few days till he died of exhaustion, exposure and shock.

And we tell this to children?

This makes people feel better?

It doesn't make me feel better. Not at all.

Do I believe there was once a man named Jesus who the Romans crucified? Sure, Why not? What I start to doubt this whole little fairytale is with the whole God angle.

Why a god? Why any God? What the fuck? I don't get it. I'm pretty much a fan of the whole big rock floating around for no damn reason theory. In fact, I think I may have just invented it right now. Big rock, floating around, no reason.

Works for me.

So, we're in church, sitting second row no less and one of the priest fellas saunters out for his little spiel. Great. One look at this bozo, and Ang and I turn to eachother to say, "friend of Dorothy." This guy was gayer than a three dollar bill. Yeah, he entered the priest hood for all the right reasons. Just repress that sexuality dude, it'll all work out in the end.

Before I piss off my three gay readers, let me be clear. I am making fun of pedophile priests, not slamming people for being gay. If you're gay, you're gay. And baby, that's cool with me. Be whatever you want in this life.

This fucking guy spent an hour sermon on how the church is "not in crisis", how "only 2% of child sexual abuse is due to the church", how Cardinal O'Brian is "a friend and mentor", how he himself was "abused", and lots of other fun stuff.

Between that and the woman with the fattest ass I have ever seen reading from the good book in William Shatner esk dots and dashes, reading of cow blood, goat blood, my blood and Christ's blood, I couldn't figure out why I was the only person about to walk the fuck out. Instead I stayed, cracked jokes and tried not to laugh outloud at the whole freakshow.

In the row in front of me, some jackpole slapdick was waving his arms around like some fucking Ti Chi moves. He felt the spirit or some shit for real. He was all in time with the grunts and groans of the priest and the fat ass reading that first testament weirdness. Fucking guy rapes kids I have no doubt.

What a bunch of sick fucks.

Out came the collection basket. Yeah, now they want me to pay them money for me missing work, shortening up my paycheck and not, I repeat, not riding my bike. Assholes. I passed that basket right on by.

My Dad tossed in a twenty and Ang asked him, "Helping out with O'Brian's legal fees?"

Yeah, he's going to need a lot of help. He was already in a world of hurt with this hide the kid raping priest problem the church has had for years. Fucking years they've hidden and protected these pedofile wackjobs who belong in prison, not the pulpit. And then O'Brian knocks back a few drinks, runs over some poor bastard and kills him.

All I can say is have fun in jail, asshole.

Think this girl is a pro?

Saturday, June 21, 2003

monique   I   bobbi eden   I   kylie wild

Heading down to Phoenix today on a real quick overnight blitz. My niece is getting baptized tomorrow so Jesus will love her and grant her everlasting salvation and cool shit like that. Yea Jesus.

Ang and I have only been through a Catholic mass once before in the last ten years. We've pretty much avoided it like the plague. The first time was my sister's wedding. It was the full deal, and took fucking hours. This will be the second time. Good times.

Even money on whether or not I burst into flames upon crossing the threshold into the church. Get your bets in now, ladies and gentlemen. This could be the last time you hear from me.

Mike thought this poll had some interesting things to say about where we stand as Americans in the world at large. Good times.

Time to get some miles on the old Buick. And I'm out.

Friday, June 20, 2003

katalin   I   kylie   I   ashley robbins

Had dinner with Nic the Dick tonight. He was on his way through town on the way up to Durango. Seems he is looking at property up in the hills of Colorado. Fucking guy is sick of the big city life and wants to live way out in the woods somewhere for awhile.

I think he's got the right idea, personally. I'm pretty much not down with the big city life anymore. Now I can go on mountain bike rides that last for hours by riding right out my front door without endless miles of pavement and other bullshit getting me down. Check the concept, get a little place out in the sticks, ride bikes and just chill. Nic's a genius. Best thing I heard him say all night was, "I can't wait to start buying guns."

Sounds like a plan.

Some links for today, this right here is some fucked up shit taken out of some chat room somewhere. Too funny.

The next one is the heavy drinkers guide to Iowa City. Join the fun.

" Hillary Clinton took $8 million from a book publisher and possibly didn't tell the whole truth about the Lewinsky scandal. George W. Bush took the armed forces of the United States of America, put lives at risk, and shook the world order to wage war against Iraq." Click here for the rest of that one.

I have heard from a few sources, a few of them good sources even, that the Trek company store in Tucson rumor I posted back on the 12th is unfounded and simply not true. That's the good news. The bad news is that there is both a Performance and a SuperGo store opening in the Old Pueblo.

So, six of one, half dozen of the other.

From what I can get out of this Bush is playing hardball damn near everywhere these days. He just likes bustin' balls.

Wild Bill says there is lots of sick shit to be found on this webpage.

From: Rick Subject: link Hey, I was looking for more good stuff at the 0ptical.net site you linked to today, and found this rather funny non-porn pic: 0ptical.net/goth/iraq.gif At first, it's funny in a patriotic, isn't-Bush-a-badass way, if you're so inclined. But I like how Saddam keeps popping back up smiling, as if all GW's efforts aren't really having much effect.

Yep, there is ton's of cool shit on that site. A good portion of it scares me. But, then again, I am a sissy.

I'll leave you with tonight's reading assignment.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

jenna?   I   jenna jameson   I   aria giovanni

Enjoying a quiet night at home, helping Ang set up her new mag trainer, and what do I see in my front yard through the window?

The Husky Midget himself.

Little bastard has been straying pretty far north lately, a bit out of his usual stomping grounds. And speaking of stomping, from the looks of him, I'd be doing all the stomping these days. Lets just say he's a bit past festively plumb.

Homeboy is packing some girth.

A few years back 'ol Husky, Ang and I were all roommates in this Tempe shithole rental. All we did was ride and drink. Not to different than now, I suppose. Seems Husky is a little heavier on the sauce and a little lighter on the bike end of the equation. And a little heavier on the scales.

We used to ride a fucking shitload down in the valley. This is some of that "back in the day shit". Yeah, like, we were so hard. We ate nails and shit.

There was a fair bit of riding, and not much else it seems. At least it's the riding I remember now. And all the stupid shit Husky used to pull. Still does. Everytime he comes round shit of mine ends up broken.

Larry sent in this super bad ass link. Shit howdy. What's the line across the top of the page, Damn it feels good to be a gangsta?

This guys got balls. Yeah baby.

Husky and I used to climb South Mountain on Thursday mornings. He always beat me to the top. Always. It was grim.

This one time, he was up the road, saw some girl parked on the side of the road, and fancying himself a player, swung over, clipped out and started throwing game. By the time I got there, he was knocking back one of her beers and carrying on like a sportsman should.

Not bad for 6:00 am on a Thursday.

I figured this was my week to make it up the hill first, so I really gave it the guns. There was no holding back, no saving anything. This was now or never, all or nothing.

He caught me. He passed me. I couldn't even hold his wheel.

It was awful. He just stopped and chugged a beer on the side of the fucking road, for Christ's sake! It's not supposed to be like this. Damn it all to hell.

That son of a bitch beat me like a drum every time we climbed that hill.

And now he's a big old fat fuck. Ho ho, the worm, she had turned. He is mine.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

avy   I   nikki nova   I   lesbians rule

Erik writes in and says, "see this beautiful sequence?".

Oh, yes I do.

With the Gnome in town, the pain is coming. Super Tuesday version three point oh. As in Oh No.

The little bastard has been sharpening his collection of gardening tools. It's an impressive array of accompaniments. You don't want the business end of that bunch. Trust me.

I just got it.

We started out on the third week of absolutely killing ourselves on Tuesday. Two retard have the same day off every week, and all of the sudden retarded shit starts happening. Jesus. Last week, and I think the one before as well, Gnome turned back to town before I did. He went for a couple of hours, dropped me on all the climbs, but I outlasted him. I rode longer.

This week he set out to set the record straight.

He dropped me on all the climbs, stayed way out ahead of me on the downhills, on a rigid single speed to my geared bike with a front suspension. What is it going to take to beat this guy, an engine?

And then he totally destroyed me mentally and physically way out in the woods where that type of thing has more impact. It doesn't hurt quite as bad to get dropped close to home, you gotta get fucking turned inside out and sideways, way the fuck out there in the middle of some God forsaken nowhere to really, really crawl home and collapse into bed.

Things really weren't all that bad for the first three hours or so. When we hit hour four, well, then it got serious. We were heading back I guess, still a good hour and a half from home, when I started to feel the onset of serious trouble. That empty feeling no amount of food is ever going to fix, the end of the line, the bottom of the tank.

I was cracking. He was supreme.

We're pedaling down a fire road, called "420" no less, and Gnome spies a single track off to the left. He reads the sign, "Hey, it's only 4.6 miles to blah blah, and then we can ride over to blah blah on blah blah and then up Little Bear.."

"Up Little Bear? Now?", I'm asking, not believing what I'm hearing. He's going to turn a five plus hour ride into a six something or the other death march. He's got me on the ropes, he sees his opening.

"You don't want to do that?"

"Not want to, I can't do that. I'm done.", I tell him. I concede victory. I will now crawl home and hopefully not get chased down and eaten by wolves on the way.

"Can I get a tube?", he says.

Game, set, match. I've just been handed the universal "I'm still riding, you're going home, I might need your spare tube 'cause I'm shredding and you eat mush with a straw and squat to pee" line.

That's all right, last week I hit him off for a bottle of energy drink he didn't need anymore when I doubled his ride time in a blistering tour de force. Now the table are turned. I can't believe he's still going. I suck.

It's a thing of beauty.

From: Damian Subject: Fucking Camrys Hey Jonny I'm kicking back in Phan Rang, Vietnam, right now. Reading your site and thinking that only 3 close calls a week sounds like heaven right about now. I've just cycled from Kuala Lumpur and put up with Malaysian drivers who don't know how to indicate, Thai drivers who think nothing of driving the wrong way down a road for endless miles, Cambodian drivers in their Camrys kicking up so much dust you can chew the air and now Vietnamese bus drivers who like nothing more than to drive at you at 100 mile an hour on the wrong side then blast you with 120 decibels of what I'm sure is a secondhand train horn. 3 feet? Fuck, I'd give my left nut for 3 inches.

Brain sent a link to, "one congressman who's trying to find some answers." I agree. Read about Henry Waxman here

Some good stuff on that page, especially if you're no fan of war mongering corporate greed heads. But, if you were, you'd probably be driving a big ass Dodge truck with a "support the troops" sticker and have already blown me of the side of the road this week.

That said, it's back to the work week grind for this fat fuck tomorrow. I put in a solid six days in a row coming up to today at the shop, I'm sure I can handle three more.

Viva la Salt Mine Norte.

One more thing. There are a bunch of juniors in town for a high altitude training camp this week. Snake is working as some kind of "ride leader". My suspicion is that he carries the extra water bottles and fixes flat tires, but that is another story.

Today they were out doing some kind of hill repeats up the observatory hillclimb. Word on the street is that he bet this young gun a pizza he would be faster up Mars Hill.

Well, looks like Snake's buying the pie, not the other way around.

Yeah, I'm pretty excited about that one. How's that feel, Snake?

Monday, June 16, 2003

damn   I   implants? yes   I   attention nic

Stick a fork in me, I'm done. Done done done. A one hour road ride with Ang this morning, four and a half hours at work, and a three hour mountain bike ride this afternoon. And I'm fucking cooked.

Go ahead a call me a sissy now.

Super Tuesday tomorrow. The Gnome is in town, and he's out to fuck up someone's Christmas. Probably mine.

The buzz around town when that little cement bastard rolls into town, I just can't tell ya. He's a C-leb-ritty. Damn straight sugar daddy lucifer.

Have I ever mentioned how much I just want to ride my bike?

From: Joey Subject: Let's pound some Miller High Life Didn't know if you've seen the Miller commercial with the guy riding a bike through the snow with a couple of six packs in a front basket. The narration is basically about him being a patriot for getting our asses off of the foreign oil. Seems to me that if Miller's gonna put drinking and biking together, we oughta do our part and down a few of that champagne of beers.

I'm feelin' ya. Sounds like a plan to me.

Here's to the High Life.

Tonight's beer of choice for those of us porch sittin' fools was Bass Ale. And I feel pretty good about it too.

I don't feel that good about this. While I'm kicking Bush in the teeth, read this too.

Good times below.

From: Northwave Subject: Singlespeed Euro Champs This is a race report from the European Singlespeed Championships that took place on this side of the pond last weekend, in typical singlespeed fashion its fashionably late (Chipps didn't post the results until yesterday). One fucking speed Euro mayhem saw a heap load of English, Scottish and Welsh riders as well as representatives from Switzerland, France and Germany descend to the Forests on the Norfolk/Suffolk border for a weekend of drinking, relaxing and a bit of riding. A flat course would normally mean the opportunity to break the 32:16 norm and push a bigger gear, but all credit to the race organizers, they hooked up enough sections of sweepy single track and bomb holes (real ones left by the Germans during WWII - dammit we weren't supposed to mention the war), to mean that the few fire road sections became a test of who could spin the fastest for the longest. Last years winner UKSS champ Jon Webb put in a sterling effort to retain his title. A few of us wore DC jerseys and placed suitably low down in the field. Phil the Horse didn't wear much at all which was quite worrying for those riding behind him. I've put a load of links about it and a bit of my own crap here: rothar.com/EuroSSChamps03.htm Over and out

Sunday, June 15, 2003

heather   I   aria giovanni   I   michelle

Easy like Sunday morning. Yeah baby. Smooth like butter up in this piece. My internet connection is now working again, but I still can't send any emails.

The best part is no one at msn can tell me why. Ha! Its so funny, I totally forgot to laugh. Good times.

At least my bike works. Sorta.

Another fun day at worky work. I rule. This old dude rolls up on me in a blacked out Denali. He's sitting on dubs. Thing is huge. Gots to be ten feet longer than the mobile home me and the Gnome were chillin' in down in Tucson two winters back.

All that extra room woulda been nice. Stretch way out after a long ride and all that.

He drags in a rubber something or the other. I found out later it was some kind of pool for kids. A little play pool deal. Looks like fun.

He wants me to inflate it. He says, "Is there anyway you can blow this up? I went to the gas station and they said they couldn't do it."

"Its to hard to do by hand."

I'm just looking at this joker as I start in with the hand pump. Yeah, I'm going to pump this fucking thing up by hand. And you're going to watch me do it.

You bastard.

I sell him a pump attachment that will allow him to inflate this thing himself in the future. Fucking hook it up to an air compressor for all I care. I tell him it's a buck even for that adapter. He says thanks and leaves.

You rich helpless bastard. Do you have to have someone put your shoes on for you in the morning? Does someone hold your dick while you pee? Is that person the Gnome?

Nah. He'd roll your stupid ass right out the back of the ambulance before it came to that. Damn straight he would.

And who could blame him?

From: Pete Subject: Fraser/Threshold resolved Keep reading, the case was settled last Tuesday (6/10) but details won't be released until Wednesday 6/18 by agreement of both parties. This is one case where both parties have valid points. Why would Threshold let Fraser race in their events while he is suing them? Did Threshold cheat Fraser out of the chance to win $250K? We'll see Wednesday.

I love being able to receive some of my email, but now being able to send any of it.

Rick likes Kansas and their drug policies. Seems a bit like double dipping to me. How can you be expected to buy a tax stamp for something that is illegal in the first place?

Saturday, June 14, 2003

kianna   I   kitchen fun   I   high mileage honey

First I can't sent email, now I can't even get online. What the fuck?

A half hour on the phone with msn and I got no where. Absolutely no where. Great.

So, maybe I can get online Sunday? Fuck me running.

This morning I rode over to Snow Bowl with a couple of the boys. It's a big long drag of a hill, so you know I was at the back. I did get to demo a nice pair of Reynolds Stratus wheels. That made the climb a bit more fun.

I'd have to say those are the nicest wheels I've ever ridden in my life.

Too bad I'm way to poor and fat to own a pair. You just can't buy something like that if you've done exactly two road races all year.

But, I was rocking the sweetest shit on the group ride. Snake even made fun of me. So you know I was the shiznit.

The group ride goes off at 9:00. A bit late for my tastes, since I had to work at 1:00. Kinda puts a dent in your riding, this whole work thing.

Oh well, there is always next week.

I have noticed a direct correlation up here in the northland between a truck having a "support the troops" sticker on the bumper and an intolerance for cyclists on the road. It seems blind patriotism and the 'might makes right' philosophy extends to muscling in on little old me on a bicycle with a couple of thousand pounds of automobile.

My state sanctioned three foot buffer has been violated no less than three separate times by some yahoo in a big ass truck this week alone. And, the truck of choice is Dodge over Chevy two to one.

What the fuck is up with that? Why do you have to damn near hit me when I'm riding in the fucking bike lane? And, you had the oncoming lane open as there was no car coming the other way in any of these instances. One of them even honked at me long and loud as they went past.

And, that bastard went past all slow like just to let me know he meant business. What a fucking dick.

I guess it takes all types.

Well, maybe tomorrow I can get back online again with a couple more hours on the phone. Idiots. Say they can't "find my account". Well, you are charging me, right? Fuck.

I've got 30 odd emails in my outbox I can't sent anywhere. Good times.

Friday, June 13, 2003

jenna rules   I   veronica zemanova   I   tawny roberts

Happy Friday the Thirteenth. Go out and kill someone.

Go read this and tell me Gord Fraser ain't the man. He's the Jake Rubelt of Tucson for fucks sake.

You don't think I let just anyone drop me, do ya?

Fraser's getting jerked around on this one and it's straight up bullshit. Not allowing him to race? You gotta be fucking kidding me. What a bunch of crap.

That said, that bastard is going to put the wood to me every time he sees me. Shit, I don't even think he sees me. I'm just another face in the crowd waiting to get annihilated on the shootout.

Thanks to the wonderful fucks, I mean folks, excuse me, at msn, I can't send email. Well, I can send some apparently. But not all of what I want to send.

Something about my account not being "provisioned" yet. I'll be damned if I know what that means. I'm online, I can receive mail. I just can't send it through their servers.

Fucking great.

They tell me it'll be "a couple of more days". Great. And I'm paying now, right? Maybe that shit should be prorated or something. It ain't exactly working right, know what I mean?

From: Dan Subject: Yes indeed it is the end of the world Hey Big J. Well thanks to the great wal-mart style machine, I am now unemployed. Yes today we found that there is evidence stating that not only has full cycle sold to performance, but there will be three shops. Yes friends, all three full cycle locations will be operational. Two super-go and one performance so i hear. well it's off to the drinking and job hunting. keep up the good stuff. I need the porn...

If it's porn you want, then it's porn you get.

And I put up a Ragbrai section over at velocidad solomente for all you Iowa heads. It's a comin' round the bend, ain't it?

Lemond to ride Ragbrai this year. Click here for the whole story.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

veronica zemanova   I   nikki nova   I   mystery chick

I got home from work yesterday at about 7:15. I ate a salad and was I bed before 8. I slept straight through till 5:30 am. You'd think I was tired or something.

The Salmon and I have started up our Thursday morning Breakfast in Belmont rides for the summer. Good fun. A short twelve miles out and back with a whole shitload of coffee in between. It works wonders for the legs and lower back. I feel about a million times better now than when I woke up.

If I could just get my new internet connection bullshit up and running. Then I'd be really stoked instead of just sorta stoked.

Yee haa.

From: Dan Subject: It's (maybe) the end of the world as we know it... Hey Jonny. I am a local Tucson cyclist, and an employee at a local bike shop. I did get the word about Full cycle. I then tried to confirm that "rumor" and with the non-admittance and polite way in which the subject was changed, I did (I feel) confirm that Full cycle was sold out to performance. Then just to add a little fuel to the fire, I spoke to a sales rep for power bars, He as well further confirmed that rumor. So I will be searching for new employment. I must admit though, I am somewhat looking forward to having a Wall-mart style discount place near. I hate what it could do to the local economy, but what is there to do? If the local bike shops weren't complete ASSHOLES to each other, I think that this could have been avoided. Well I need to get back to my beer and my hot porn. Keep on keepin on.

Dan, you've hit it right on the head. Most shops show nothing but disdain for each other. Always have and probably always will. I have no idea what that one's all about.

If you ever figure it out, let me know.

And there's more news on the Tucson front. I've had my ear the rail on the Old Pueblo, and the winds tell me three words: Trek Company Store.

Yep. Now that Performance is in town, Trek wants to keep their foot in the door. Performance won't sell Trek product, so what other choices do they have? That's right, you open your own store. That's what I heard, anyway.

If ya look south at the right time of the evening from up here in Flagstaff, you can just make out the glow of the Tucson bicycle market going up in flames.

It's strangely beautiful in a way.

For some good news, check out the latest on the save Otero website.

You can buy that topless bicycle rider film on DVD over at Poppa Porn. Yeah baby, come to daddy.

Peter sent in this link from Belgium no less. He says, it's not really a bike. Yeah, but who cares, right?

"A couple of interesting links" in from Randy. This one and that one.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

monique   I   nikki nova   I   ashley robbins

Hells yeah. Today's ride was a big old motherfucker. The Gnome and I met with Big Tex, aka WC, aka World Champion, and Dan the Head. A good crew. As soon as the climb started I went way across the cassette and rode by myself for awhile. So, we climbed Elden, went down Sunset. Tex and Gnomie rode back into town and Dan and I continued up to the Inner Basin on Waterline road. Good times.

Life only threw me a couple of roadblocks today. Gnomie got no less than three pinch flats. Three. Two of them were at the same time. It's amazing he can remain upright and flat both wheels at speed.

Me, I flat and pretty much just about fall down.

Like Sunday morning on my way back from climbing Snow Bowl road I blew my front tire completely off the rim. I have no idea what the fuck happened. I had just took about twenty corners at 40 miles per hour and when I'm cruising down 180 at about, oh I don't know, how about 25? I'm heading back home so I can throw some clothes in a bag and make it to work on time. The decent had got me pumped and I'm rocking the big ring.

Blam.

No reason for it at all. I'm riding in a straight line. I didn't hit anything. The tube isn't up under the bead 'cause I've ridden this thing a few times and I know it's put on right.

It popped off, got caught up in the crown and pretty much scared the shit out of me. The experience sucked.

So, now I'm putting on some new tires. I'm not riding those son of a bitch tires ten feet. Fuck that shit. I like having teeth.

Back to today. Things were smooth like butter on the way up to the spring at the Inner Basin. We met a guy from the Dominican Republic and shared a few laughs. Always interesting to hear what the rest of the world thinks about us Americans. Apparently it used to be a great idea for folks from other countries to get a visa out of the US. If they could swing it, I guess. Mom was born here, or some shit like that.

Things done changed. Now, nobody wants to be from here and travel abroad. No bueno. Thank you Mr. Bush.

I should ad my new friend did assure me that most people around the world know it's not all of us Americans who act like jackasses. They know it isn't our doing, that we protested, that we were not in support of the war.

Then Dan the Head had to take care of a little flat tire issue after a safety meeting hippie fest. Lets just say he had some problems. As in he was overwhelmed. The poor sod, he put his tools away before he had bolted on his rear wheel. Yeah, that can be difficult.

No worries. It got sorted out. Then we rode home. Which is pretty far, or at least takes a fair bit of time.

It ruled. Big Ride Tuesday is coming together nicely. I rode for five and a quarter hours. Next week, I'm going way past this sissy sub six hour bullshit and hitting the big time. I may even impress Snake.

Matt sent in this next link and said, "I think it could be time to bust out the credit card, to support these hard working semi-pro women."

Hot damn. And the guy who reviewed to film said, "I could just jack off to this boxcover alone and be a happy man."

Fucking rad, Check out Topless Bicycle Riders.

And Scott sent this.

From: Big Tex Tallous Subject: Temecula Grand Prix Juan Grande, Two days of racing in Temecula and 2000 dollars up for grabs. We were 3. They were many. The first day, I don't know much. The race was 80 miles. The temp was about the same and the view was green and smoggy. 5 miles into the race, Snake bridged up to an attacking Thurlow Rogers and we never saw them again. Lovedog and I kept attacking and following wheels till one of us got off.-----by the way "It's all about getting off"--JL. Doug finally got off with 3 others with 60 to go and eventually caught up with the Snake. I just did my best to stay with the group. Tried to escape a couple of times but no go. The stupid thing was these CA teams. There were several teams of 5 or 6 guys. 3 of these teams had no guys in the break. We were 3 and had 2 in the break. Then they waited till the last lap to try and reel in the break like they were the Postal team or something. Anyway, I sucked in the sprint and got 14th. Snake was 2nd and Lovedog 6th. Day 2 the 75 min Grand Prix. Lots of cross wind, one bump in the road, and 75min. Immediately, all 3 of us began trying to create a break. About 15 in, finally we made one and all 3 of us are in it. The break worked well together except for Thurlow. I know he's tired and old but you got to work. Snake had to take him off the back a couple of times to get him roll through. Meanwhile, his Monex (John Wordin's new team) were trying to chase us down. When they got close, Lovedog, Jake and I would take over. No problem but with 5 laps to go we only had 30sec so we started coaxing our breakaway companions to a payday. 1 lap to go and 1 min ---no problem. So the sprint is a heavy crosswind. We planned on this and put in the gutter only letting snake come through. He pushed his bike at the line but I had already crossed. He gave that one to me. I think he likes 2nd or something. 2000 dollars and we got 600. Not bad. Just needed to stop in Vegas for a little bet on red to double that. See you at the race manana. ===== Jason "It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether I win or lose."

Monday, June 9, 2003

um duh what?   I   alyssa lovelace   I   lesbians rule

Drop the kids off at the pool? Nah, what I just did was beat them little bastards over the head with a shovel, let their corpses ripen in the back yard for a few weeks, take them down to the municipal pool and straight up ruin someone's summer fun. God damn.

I think I may need to slap a new coat up paint up in there after that fucking multiple murder.

I think I just lost ten pounds.

Bad news for the all the local bike shops in Tucson. Word on the street is that Full Cycle, one of Tucson's biggest bike shops, has sold out to Performance.

So congratulations Tucson. You now have a big box discount store that will probably only drop the bottom out of the areas bicycle retail industry.

And check this out. I might have been the first guy to post this on the web, but since I don't have any internet connection at my house and I have to fucking use Bensie's, I'm a bit behind on the email shiznit. So, fuck it, I'm posting it even if cyclingnews maybe got it two days ago.

I'm still a pimp, player and a hustler.

Bell launches 'Free Gord Fraser' campaign SANTA CRUZ, Calif. - On the heels of the revelation that the Bell-sponsored HealthNet cycling team and its leader Gord Fraser are being barred from marquee national events over an unrelated two-year-old legal dispute, Bell Sports has launched a "Free Gord Fraser" campaign-complete with protest t-shirts and a grassroots post card mailer-to try and get Fraser and the team reinstated. "We really think the parties involved need to look at what's good for the health of the sport and not let a lingering dispute get in the way of competition," said Bell Sports Marketing Manager Toshi Corbet. "We're selling 'Free Gord' t-shirts for fans to wear at the events and show their support for Gord, HealthNet and the sport." The dispute goes back to the 2000 season when Fraser, then with the Mercury cycling team, won the first three races in the four-race BMC Software national series promoted by Threshold Sports. Fraser had the chance to win a $250,000 bonus for sweeping the series, but the men's event in the final race was canceled after the death of Nicole Reinhart in the women's race. Despite attempts to settle the bonus issue, the case has ended up in court. Threshold, who is promoting both the USPRO Championships in Philadelphia on Sunday and the San Francisco Grand Prix in August, has rescinded Health Net and Fraser's invitation to those events for reasons related to the bonus dispute. Threshold officials claim they are under a gag order and refuse to comment on the issue, according to a report on the VeloNews website. While the Bell reinstatement campaign is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, there are some serious underlying issues, according to Corbet. "Threshold has done a lot of great things for cycling in the US and we understand that none of us on the outside know the full story," he explained. "But to have our best domestic squad banned from the best events in the US does a disservice to us and their other sponsors. "Additionally, you have a company like HealthNet stepping up and footing the bill in a very poor sponsorship climate and the sport is not doing much to make it worthwhile." For its part Bell is selling "Free Gord Fraser" t-shirts at cost on their web site and have posted a post card that site visitors can print out and mail to Threshold Sports asking for consideration on the matter (http://www.bellbikehelmets.com/main/freegord.html).

I'll bet ya'll didn't know Gord Fraser was the Jake Rubelt of Tucson?

A couple of days out of the shop means a couple of days out riding my bike. I'm pretty fucking stoked about that action. I fully plan on knocking my dick in the dirt tomorrow, just like I did today.

Snake still says I'm a bitch. Tells me I should be on the four cans of Slim Fast a day plan. Yeah right. I don't see him doing that. Fucking wackjob.

Big Tex won a road race out in California this weekend. I wonder if he'll bother to write me a race report?

Bensy just showed me his new fork. Its a Surly. It's going on some crazy cool steel 700c wheeled bike. Some guys call 'em two niners but I don't. The fork is a brute. Bensy says it's all the weight of suspension with the ride of rigid.

The new version of velocidad solomente is up and running. For those of you looking so sell something, you can now upload pics of your shit for everyone to see. Feel free to use and abuse it all you want. It's free.

There is also a new chatroom. Kinda cool I guess. People always ask me about getting one, and now that I have one, there isn't anyone in it. Including me. I get in there every once in a while. Just when I'm bumming connection from Bensy.

I'll be hanging out more in the future.

Aight, fuck it.

Sunday, June 8, 2003

legs and feet?   I   lesbians rule   I   butter face

In my place, in my place, were lines that I couldn't trace. I was lost, oh yeah…

Some guys don't like Coldplay. But I don't give a fuck. I like 'em. I'm spinning a brand new platter the Gnome burned for me this week of remixes and other weird shit. Got me runnin' it does.

A guy named Roger sent this and said, "oh my god...".

I am unable to come up with anything better in the way of a description. I think he's said all there is to say on the subject.

More disappointing news from information clearing house. When Paul Wolfowitz was, "Asked why a nuclear power such as North Korea was being treated differently from Iraq, where hardly any weapons of mass destruction had been found, the deputy defense minister said: "Let's look at it simply. The most important difference between North Korea and Iraq is that economically, we just had no choice in Iraq. The country swims on a sea of oil."

Not all that surprising, really. Only confirming our worst fears. Or, at least my worst fears.

The war in Iraq was about oil.

I've got a few emails about the Snake Alley Crit the took place last month. Yeah, I'm a bit behind the times around here. Fuck it. I'm sitting in the kitchen with a laptop writing this shit. I haven't been online in over 24 hours and it's fucking killing me. This sucks ass.

From: mr. kim Subject: snake alley - the devil returns hey, where else but Iowa can a person come to race with the devil up a hill, and get a beer for losing? this poor sonofabitch wound up drunk!! missed ya, jonny. gave away over two cases of beer to sorry competitors!! had a few myself, too. --the mostly irreverent mr. kim

Looks like the Devil himself was out there spreading the good word. Or, the bad word. I guess it really depends on how you look at that shit.

This is how Dave Evil say it.

From: DA Subject: Sympathy for the Devil Hey man, this is priceless, thought you may enjoy a good laugh. This was at the infamous Snake Alley crit, where a cobbled, zig zagging 18% gradient whales on you. This clown stands there as the Devil and his wife (you know Frankie?) and tempts riders with beer. It didn't take me long to withdraw and accept. Of the 4 races, I did rock the DC socks in two of them, and of course, my DC sticker was on my chainstay at all times.

Ah Dave, you fought the good fight. We're all proud of ya, the Gnome and I. I'll rock my Evil gear with pride this weekend.

And, holy fucking shit, is that fucking Ralph in the background of those pics. I've asked the Gnome to confirm, and yes, we do believe we have a Ralph sighting. He's bald, he's smiling and he's with a woman.

Will wonders ever cease?

Saturday, June 7, 2003

courtney   I   ashley robbins   I   sydney moon?

It's been a few days since I could get my stupid ass online. But, now I'm banging like a mother fucking gong. Word.

My high speed totally dope ass dsl should be hooked up on the 11th. It can't come soon enough as far as I'm concerned. Full on internet junkie addict and proud of it.

I was talking to my man Jeff today, who also recently moved and is without that sweet nectar that is a broadband internet connection. He's got another week to wait or so. He thought it was interesting how much time he actually used to spend online, something he only realized when he couldn't spend all that time online. It's like, wow, so that's what I did all day.

So, here we are.

I'm a bit worn out from moving fire wood yesterday and helping sort out some trail maintenance this morning. Yes, today is National Trail Day. What did you do?

US Forest Service and Flagstaff biking put together a nice little day of trail grooming. Even had some bar-be-que action afterwards. It was totally boss.

That Gnome, he sure does get around.

From: Sarah Subject: is that a gnome up there? hey there big guy...how ya doing? i'm headed to summer camp tomorrow to be a counselor and corrupt as many young minds as i can *evil grin* it'll be great. and i'm riding my bike there...81 miles...all day long...with first aid training as soon as i get in and all i'll want to do is pass out on a bunk and sleep for twelve hours. who needs a first aid dummy when sarah's passed out on the floor, eh? i'll be taking the old bridgestone, what can i say, i love that bike. i'm fixing her up this summer so she'll be all nice and pretty for another go at the road... rock the ragbrai...i wish i could go, it'd be great fun now that i actually understand the joys of free beer, but i'm sure you'll have no problem knocking a few down in my place. i have faith in you big j. while i was out riding today this super star cyclist came up behind me and turned around to say hi and for a second there i thought it was our little friend el gnomie...but alas i remembered that the soil around these parts is a little too frozen for that wicked little shovel of his and let the imposter ride off with a smile.

Ah, that Gnomie. He may be up here later this evening or tomorrow. Seems he just jumps at the chance to escape the desert heat and kick it up here in the northland. Smart boy, that Gnomie.

Oh, and Ragbrai is the shiznit. I haven't sorted out shit for a plan yet, but the grumbling is getting louder. Ah yes, it will happen somehow, someway.

Since I've just gotten online for the first time in three days, I get to play the fun times email game. I'm way off the back on this one. I'll try to get back to all you boys and girls as soon as I can. I'm pretty much buried right now.

I need to hire a secretary or some shit.

Wednesday, June 4, 2003

teen dream   I   veronica zemanova   I   lesbians rule

Wednesday, the hump day, the back to work day, the big middle of the week stretch. Damn it all to hell, today wasn't even that bad. I got to sleep in an extra hour. I had eggs for breakfast, all the coffee I could ever want. And, and I say, I got to fix Huffy's all day.

I can bend a Huffy into shape like nobodies business. Well, not as good as my man Andy. He's got skillz.

Player.

I just sorted out the message board again. Good old velocidad solomente. Fucking thing took me awhile to fix up. I'm such a fucking moron, I didn't even realize folks were able to log into it a week ago. Ha!

Well, now it's up an running like a fucking champ. I've got a couple of new sections, even a classifieds section you can post pics in. It's smooth like butter baby.

I've also started running a chatroom again. This one is totally different than that last one with all the pop up advertisements and shit. This one cost me money.

When you pay for something, sometimes it actually works. Lets hope this is one of those times.

So, check it out an see what you think. I'll be kicking it on the boards and in the chat when I can. We'll see how it goes.

Also, my DSL will be hooked up in my new pad on the 11th. I've been driving over to Bensey's and jumping on his broad bandwagon since I moved up here. I like Bensey and all, but this shit is a pain in my ass.

The things we do for love.

I can't wait for more time off from work so I can totally knock my dick in the dirt some more. It's not like I've been ruined all damn day from yesterdays death march. And the day before that. And the day before that. All this mountain biking shit is going to make me a very, very hard man.

Or, at least real bitter.

Just like Snake.

Bruce says, this is rich. I think he's right.

A little sumptin' sumptin' from my man Big Dave.

From: Big Dave Subject: for those who would rather ride I'm always finding money, tools, and other things of value on the roads when I commute, but this may be a little more profitable. Tax benefit for riding to work? A Bicycle Commuter Act introduced into the U.S. Senate may give commuters an extra incentive to cycle to work in the way of tax benefits. The legislation was introduced by Olympia Snowe and Ron Wyden in an attempt to include bicycle commuters under the "transportation fringe benefit" tax code. The aim of the benefit is to try and have less people driving to work, especially if there are no other passengers in the car. If successfully passed, the Act would allow employers to regularly reimburse their employees who cycle to work, and the employed would gain a tax benefit from this. FROM: cyclingnews.com/news/?id=2003/jun03/jun03news

Tax breaks for us regular folks trying to do the right thing instead of for those rich bastards trying to do the wrong thing. Sounds good to me. Yes sir, I'm all about riding to work. Especially since my commute in now in the sub five minute range.

Well, not on mornings when I'm fucking turned inside out and sideways like today when it takes me almost ten minutes to ride all of, well, a mile. And a good bit of it is downhill I'm pretty sure.

God damn I suck.

Well, fuck it. Tomorrow I'll be bar-b-que'n up some flesh in my backyard and swilling down lager like there is no tomorrow. I really can't complain to much about shit like that.

Tuesday, June 3, 2003

chloe jones   I   gauge   I   lesbians rule

Yeah, hi, how ya doin'? Right off the top, John Dannie Jr. From Kancohe, Hawaii, get at me. I sent you off the stickers you wanted, but the envelope came back with an "insufficient address" stamp on it.

Get me your correct address and I'll send it again.

Another day in the northland means another day in the saddle. I started today's little diddy with Gnomie, Snake and Tex. A fair group of hoodlums if ever there was one.

I had to ride a geared bike after the trouncing I took yesterday at the hands of the Gnome. Trouncing I say. Little bastard had me walking up all kinds of shit. I'm not sure what most guys around here ride, but I've heard things like 32 x 18 and 34 x 20.

Whichever I run it's going to be a whole lot more reasonable than the 36 x 18 I'm running now. And, of course, the 2.35 tires ain't helping the whole equation any either. Fucking huge tires are almost worth a tooth in the back. Not quite, but almost.

So, today was gears. We rode through Buffalo park, Up Lower Oldham, up the fire road up Elden, down Sunset, down Brookbank and over to Jedi. Now, this Jedi trail thingy I've been on three times since last Friday. What a mother fucker. I now need new fork seals and I fucked up my derailler hanger on that bitch today. It was so jacked I couldn't stay in any one gear. It just went, pop, pop, pop.

A tree branch as a work stand and tool set spread out on my gloves saved the day. Straighten the hanger as best I can. Yeah, pretty much guess where it's supposed to be and go with that. Adjust derailler to it's new perch, limit screws, cable tension and waa-laaa tee dah, we've got a bike again.

Fucking Jedi trail. I'm beginning to foster a strong dislike for that whore. I've not any health insurance at the moment, nor the money to buy a new big ring or derailler. So, I had better steer clear of trails that punish the bike and send me flying over the bars on a regular basis. That trial beat on me like a red headed step child.

I'll stick to shit I can actually ride, thank you very much.

Anyway, down Jedi, fall, scramble, almost friggin kill myself a few times, and there we are at Schultz Creek. Now, Snake has to go to work, Tex, well I don't know what he had to do. You ain't got no job, you ain't got shit to do. I'm gonna get you high…

Yeah. So, we're "2 hours 38" in the saddle according to Tex's heart rate monitor. Here's a question: If he had a heart rate monitor and said he was, "taking it real easy today", how come I got dropped going up, down and across anything we rode today?

The boys turn left and head down, I turn right for more punishment. There is no rest for the wicked, and fat boys need extra saddle time. I climbed up Weatherford, hit Secret trail, went back up to Friedlan Prairie road (how the fuck do you spell that?) and over to Snow Bowl road. Then I rode my big 'ol ass back into town for a four and a half hour ridey ride.

And, yes, I am pretty much cooked. You can stick a fork in me. I'm done.

Today's blind link: picturetrade.host.sk/c/sets.htm

Checky check this out, the latest and greatest from Dave Evil.

From: Subject: another reason to hate penix Big Juan- I'm sorry to hear that you have vacated the old pueblo, there are a few local bar owners that are wondering how they are going to pay for their kid's college tuition's (drink prices will probably go up a buck, you bastard). I found this link by clicking on a banner someplace, statefarm.com/di/danlist00.htm . It is just another reason that the "center" of AZ is a huge clusterfuck. I guess posting this type of shit on the internet is more important than making sure that their customers have lower rates. Caio, I gotta find motivation to get up just after the drunks drive home, just to ride my freaking bike before it gets too damn hot. ScoreKeeper Scott (I'm still waiting for the name to help me with the chicks)

Yep, that would be another reason to hate Phoenix. Like I need any more. Good luck with the nickname, its bound to come around sooner or later.

Monday, June 2, 2003

jenna rules   I   sonja adams   I   jennifer

No more Giro. I'll miss it. Man, that Simoni is something else, ain't he? Fucking guy is talking about the Tour already. Snake tells me I'm an idiot for liking him in the Tour, but shit, at least he'll animate some of the climbs instead of bowing down to the Terrible Texan on the first climbing stage.

I hate that shit.

And, yeah, Simoni can't time trail his way out of a paper bag. I'm not looking for someone to challenge the overall as much as someone to put up a half way decent fight.

I fully expect him to go down swinging. And I'm talking 'bout swinging for the fence.

I've not been able to get online as much as I'm used to. Call me spoiled, call me crazy. Fuck it, call me an addict. I'm cool with it. Full on internet junkie.

I could be worse things, you know.

So, for all of you who wrote in emails, I'm getting to them when I can. It's about all I can do.

Here are a whole metric assload of emails I've gotten in the last week or so. Read on, dear friends.

From: ? Subject: topless girls with asshole boyfriends Dear Sir I need you to post the attached set of boobs somewhere on your website. Here’s the story behind them… We have this "friend" he’s a foreigner and not a nice one at that. He once was a part of my team. He was a liar and he cheated some money out of us. He’s a fucking snake in the grass and we figured we’d let him lie for the time being. Well, recently he’s turned into a problem with late night phone calls to our teammates and friends. Bottom line the guy is a real fucking jerkoff. But, the redeeming quality here – we have topless pictures of his girlfriend that he doesn’t know about. This will be a good "fuck you asshole" to see it up on drunkcyclist. Please if you could link it with a caption like – "boobs from Venezuela are nice" or something crass, I would be indebt to you sir.

Consider the picture posted. It's the least I could do.

Bruce says this is his new hobby.

The Gnome and I went for a little ridey ride today. It was all about the single speed and the pain cave for me today. I walked as much as I rode I think. Fuck me that hurt.

At least when I got to the top of one of the many shitty ass climbs I did Gnomie was sitting down with his head in his hands. He was all red and said to me as I fell off my bike, "some climb, eh?"

Some climb indeed. Fuck.

And there is just more shit like it tomorrow.