Check out this bamboo bicycle. Looks like a good time, eh?

More in from the legion of wanker correspondents.

From: Rt66 Subject: fuck stu BJ, fuck that Stu guy who'd defending Roche,,,,,,,,I haven't met Roche either but it is possible to win the Tour and still be a douche bag,,,,, dissin' Hamilton just isn't right,,,,,, for further proof, just look at Bob Roll. He never came close to winning the Tour and it's a given that he would still be a douche bag even after winning ,most likely upsizing to the Super Sized Douche Bag. nuff said

Ok, ok, lets all play nice. We're all friends here. Must be the beer talkin', eh?

And, I don't know about you guys, but this is my worst nightmare. Drunk driving charge on a bike? For fucks sake, at least he wasn't drivin' a car.

You want a pic of Dave Watson jumping the group. Damn straight, that shit was off the hook.

My man Brinky says I need some of this shit in my life. Yeah, that's going to happen.

I had a bike repair the other day where this dudes bike wasn't shifting. As soon as I felt the levers I knew shit wasn't right in Denmark on that bad boy. The shift pods had some gear indicators on them, you know, idiot gauges, and they were hitting the downward curve of the riser bars. Nice. The were so jammed up in there, that the handlebar prevented the shift indicator from rotating, which in turn bound up the whole shift mechanism.

Oh, the horror.

Three choices buddy: Move the levers outboard so they don't hit the bar anymore, take off the bar ends to make some room, or cut your grips.

That's it. No magic. Nothing else I can do. This ain't nothing but a party, ya'll. One more and I'm out.

Monday, July 28, 2003

nikki nova   I   tera patrick   I   lesbians rule

The Tour has ended. And I'll be damned if it wasn't one of the finest editions we've had in years.

This one will be hard to top.

From: Chris Subject: what a rush Dude, This tour has been the best. Check out lancearmtrong.com.....he says he will be back next year. I think Ullrich will be the man next year. In my opinion Lance had the better team...look for Bianchi to shell out some bucks this year and build Jan a team. ride on

You said it.

A couple of pics of fat ass me from the Taylor House bludgeoning up over at MyRacePics.com. Here is me flexing my arm. A real show of force. And in this one I'm just plain old waving at the crowds.

Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot.

From: Stevie the Wonder Subject: ragbrai i was sad not to see you on ragbrai. the miles where easy the weather was great, and the beer was cold and sometimes free. and damm some people will do any thing for beads. you missed a good time.

Missing Ragbrai this year was one giant pain in my ass. I can't even begin to tell you how much I missed that drunken trainwreck of a week. And all across Iowa as well. Fuck me.

All the boys I went out with from Arizona last year, Nic the Dick, Big Gay Randy and Dru, none of us could get the time and money together to go. It pretty much fucking sucked to be us this July. Speaking for myself, I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention.

Check out what Dru had to say 'bout out current dilemma.

From: dru Subject: ragbrai I feel like I need to ride to flagstaff with a case of beer on my back, no jersey, stopping at every beer sing along the way, no sunscreen, harassing every woman I see into showing me her flabby ass tits, sleeping on the ground, not showering for a week, eating lots of pork, not getting any cell phone service or ATMs. God, how I miss it ;(

I'm already planning on next year. This won't happen again, not if I can help it.

Some news from SuperWeek.

From: Greg Subject: Stupid Week Big Gay Johnny, Adam (Precious) and myself have been in the basement of Bill (white noise guy) for the last few weeks. The DC T shirt made an appearance tonight at Downer and was well received. Lots of upturned eyebrows, especially from the housewives. Adam and myself have been in the money all but one day so far. Fun stuff, but holy smokes do they crowd the corners on the late laps. Haven't had an open shot at the finish line yet. Custard and Brats have helped us fit in to the fatter Wisconsin culture. By the way, vengeance will still be mine. I am still scheming my revenge for the pantry raiding and cabinet breaking. You are fat, you should live here in Wisconsin. Pictures of the DC shirt at the Downer crit to follow. P.S. Randy is gay.

Yeah, he's a full on fag. Well all know it. It's about time he just started dealing with it. You know, turn it into a strength, or some shit like that.

I'm glad to hear you boys are doing so well out there. In the money, eh?

Good. You can buy the first (couple) round(s) when you get back to Arizona.

Revenge? Por que? I'm innocent. No one saw anything.

And how cool is this guy?

From: Charlene Subject: my new hero Hans De Clercq, the Lanterne Rouge "I'm safe, I won't lose my title anymore. I have a 'lead' of 21 minutes to the next-to-last rider (Alessandro Bertolini), or 'arrears' if you prefer," said Hans de Clercq to Het Laatste Nieuws today. De Clercq is the last rider on the general classification, also known as the Lanterne Rouge, a title that carries some notoriety. "I have this title now and I'm not giving it to someone else," he continued. "Nobody dreams of being the very last rider in the Tour, but once you're there you've come to like it. Conquering the title is easy, keeping it is much more difficult: the ideal Lanterne has to finish every day on time, but not earlier than strictly necessary. I really want to reach Paris, only to prove that the so-called 'kermesse riders' can do it." "It is only my second Tour and I love riding it, but I always have to feel useful. I told Marc Sergeant that I was candidate as long as he would go with a sprinter like McEwen, but if he went with a top climber, he could better leave me home as I am useless at climbing. Working for Robbie, that's why I'm doing it for: Robbie in green on the Champs Elysées and my Tour is a total success. De Clercq told of how he had suffered through one of the toughest Tours in recent years. "I was dead after the first stage in the Alps. I rode 150 km on my own on the way to Morzine, had a heart rate of only 140 but couldn't ride any faster. Panic! I thought it was over, but I finished 20 minutes after the last but one rider, just on time. Abandoning in the Tour, that's something you never do. It was here where I took a serious option for the Lanterne Rouge. Starting a final climb and knowing that your chances to finish on time are zero, is much worse: like Axel Merckx on Luz-Ardiden, that's terrible. "On the cols I was constantly calculating, not only riding with the legs but also with the head. That makes the difference between abandoning and surviving. A bad climber has to be smart. I'm never going faster than necessary on the climbs, always riding my own pace. It's stupid to follow the 'gruppetto', the bus of the non-climbers: sooner or later you have to pay for it. In five of the seven mountain stages I finished solo, of my own free will. In the other two I knew I had to stay in the bunch, if not I wouldn't finish on time. "The spectators know me very well, I was surprised by that. Climbing l'Alpe d'Huez, surrounded by half a million of people, was one of my dreams when I was young. I managed it in my 34th year, but I still enjoyed the Pyrenees more. Thousands of Basques scanning your name as soon as they see you, that's fantastic. In Belgium they only recognize you when you've already passed. And if you're two minutes behind in a kermesse race, they call you a sluggard." "Also Lance knows me. He said twice 'good morning' to me, in Dutch. But I never talked to him. My respect is too big and I know my place. "I'm riding two criteriums, in Aalst and in Peer, for exactly the same prize as last year. Don't believe that the Lanterne Rouge gets a better contract!"

Saturday, July 26, 2003

natasha   I   nikki nova   I   lesbians rule

I waited all day to watch the Tour on tv as I was riding this morning. I had already heard about the days highlights, but I had to see it with my own two eyes. I was really pulling for two guys, Hamilton and Ulrich.

Hamilton kicked ass and Ulrich crashed. One out of two ain't bad. At least I'm drinking beer and having a good time still.

I'm totally shattered from this mornings Taylor House Century. Yeah, it's a benefit ride and it turns into a race in short order. Fucking unreal. I felt pretty good for the first couple of hours. Then it all unraveled.

Just like it always does.

The group couldn't decide whether or not to stop for a pee break for what seemed like forever. I could barely reach the drops anymore with my big ass basket ball sized bladder. It was grim.

Finally, about half the group stopped just as we rolled into Valle, a town 55 miles out of Flagstaff. I had always heard "everyone stops in Valle" for water and whatnot, as they have a support stop there with all the water and energy drinks you could want So, I brought two big bottles and finished them way before town. I was in serious need of water, I never would have made it to the next stop 20 miles down the road in Red Lake.

So, I stopped, topped off the bottles and swung back on the road. Great, the group is gone. Gone. I'm with a couple of guys and we start chasing. And by "we" I mean Chef Leon was chasing. And chasing hard. Damn guy blew me straight off his wheel in two minutes.

I watched as he rolled up the road. Then I watched Joe drop me once, twice, three times on the rollers on Route 64. God damn, that sucked. Fuck me. It wouldn't have mattered if I had made the corner with the group or not the way I was going. I would've been dropped at some point. My wad was already blown.

By the time I rolled into Red Lake, I was cooked. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

My man Dave had his big ass gas guzzlin' truck out there with coolers full of cold drinks. No beer. Hmmmm. I tried knocking back a soda. Didn't take. Still ruined.

Brinky won't let us pack it yet, and packing it was his idea for fucks sake.. He's the one who called up Dave at 6:30 this morning to make sure he was coming out. And, he's the one I made fun of for wanting to bail out early. Well, now I'm seriously considering bailing myself So, now we're going to ride another ten miles, or some shit, to I-40. Then we can pack it. Fine with me.

I'm cresting a hill with a group of 8. I see a sign up ahead, C I T Y   L I M… Shitfire! Go go go go! I take the city limit sprint for Williams, Arizona, in grand style. Clean set of wheels and all that. I go straight to the back of the group, and then straight off the back of the group in one smooth motion. I think I managed to say "goodbye" to Joe as fell back, but I'm not sure he heard me.

Looks like I'll be riding alone for awhile. I've got my helmet slung over my bars, I'm ruined, I'm fucked, I'm in luck. A tandem just caught me. I'm on that thing like white on rice. This is a God send. A tandem wheel to follow.

Where the fuck is that truck anyhow? I'm at the I-40 interchange. Now I'm on the onramp. Now I'm on the interstate. Still, no truck.

I find out later my man Brinky had a similar problem. But, he had people to complain to whereas I did not. I heard he was yelling quite excitedly about Dave's proximity to Las Vegas and how, well, shit, he just might have driven out for a quick couple of rounds of craps and fucked us.

Thank God, it didn't happen like that.

A bit down the road I see Dave and a couple of the boys loading up. At least I won't be alone in this. Fuck it, I'm packing it in. I'm 80 miles in and I just don't give a shit anymore. It's been four hours of ride times and that's about it for this fat fuck. We've kept it right at an average speed of 20.8 miles per hour so far, according to my flawlessly installed computer, so you know it accurate. There is no way in hell I'll manage that on this last 20 - odd miles back into Flagstaff. This is not another hour of riding for me. I'll be crawling at this point. And, nobody wants that.

I get off the bike, take off my front wheel and Dave hands me an ice cold long neck out of the two coolers in the back. God damn, if that ain't the about the smoothest beer I've ever had. Dave, I'm sorry I made fun of your big ass gas guzzlin' truck, can I get in?.

As I step into the car I say, "The big man climbs off in tears, his Tour is over" and crack open that long neck.

Friday, July 25, 2003

penny   I   dasha   I   monica

The rains have come to Flagstaff. And that means one thing: Flooding on the south side. I rode back from the shop on one of my usual routes through the hood, and was up to my pedals in water. It when clear across the street and over both sidewalks. Now, that is what I call a big puddle.

While I was ratchet pedaling through one of these seasonal lakes, I noticed a good looking quarter inch socket wrench pass beneath me. Like eight or nine inches underwater. When we were back of solid ground, I asked my man Andy if he had seen it as well. And he said, "What? Why didn't you pick it up?"

I told him, "Because I'd have to sacrifice a shoe."

I see it flooded on my block as well, but the water had already receded. It must have been something to see as I notice the high water mark on my car's tires up in the driveway. Let's see, make that a line the connects with, well, way over there on the other side of the street on that tree with the water mark and damn, this was all way underwater.

Can't say I'm sorry I missed it. I'd just as soon make it home when it's all drained away and I can actually make it through my front gate inside the house without having to swim. Some questions from across the pond.

From: Stu Subject: Roche Yo bigJonny I personally have never met Mr Roche and have no Idea what the fuck you are talking about but hear this- no man who has ever won letour could be described as a douche bag. What the buggery bollocks are you talkin' about -- some of your correspondents sound (read) like right wankers.

Well, the point is he was slighting my boy Hamilton. Sayin' shit like his staying in the Tour was bad for cycling. I didn't much like it. Hamilton is the real deal. He's going to have some impressive wins in the coming years, that much is certain. And, yes, many of my correspondents are right wankers.

More on Roche and Tyler from this stateside letter.

From: The Ass Subject: Roche is cool… So now Tyler is OK with Mr. Roche? What a freaking cock sucker. http://www.cyclingnews.com/tour.php?id=photos/2003/tour03/stage17/10 Tyler is the man, just reading his diary updates at www.tylerhamilton.com shows he has class. Next year top three will include Tyler, Lance and Jan the order will be tough to call.

That is a pretty good call on the top three. Tons of talent and drive. But, if Beloki didn't crash, he'd be there as well.

I've got to say, all this talk of Armstrong winning six in a row is a bit premature. The time trail will either seal the deal on five, or blow the lid off it. After that we can talk about six. And, that would really be something. I wonder if he's got it in him?

Oh yeah, I probably already said this, but, Hamilton is the fucking man.

What's with Godefroot?

From: Joe Subject: I am a German piece of shit "Hello. My name is Walter Godefroot. I'm the directeur sportif for Team Telekom. My entire team of 8 men couldn't catch one man who'd been riding through the Pyrenees alone for 90 kilometers. We got stuffed like a fucking thanksgiving turkey and this is how we respond when that happens." from cyclingnews: Telekom's team manager Walter Godefroot was quoted saying that Tyler's injury was nothing but a cheap American PR trick, and he smile on Tyler's face goes away for a moment when he has to respond to that. "Well, Walter has the right to have an opinion, as have everyone else. I'm sad he said that though, and he is welcome to come and visit me anytime, and I'll show him my X-rays, where you can clearly see the two breaks. It disappoints me too, that he would say such a thing, because by doing that he calls me and my team for liars. I don't like it, but I guess that's life."

Badass.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

terri summers   I   code three club   I   nikki nova

Ah, the Tour. The great, glorious Tour. I'm beginning to believe it is indeed NOT over. There ain't no fat lady singing and I'll be damned if Ulrich himself didn't say he'd attack on the last fucking day if he was close enough.

Yes kids, this one is going down to the wire.

And I'm lovin' it. Bring on the time trail. I'll be sweating all Saturday morning as I'm heading out on some crazy 110 mile loop ride. Starts at fucking 7:00 am, so I'll miss all the live coverage. I'm sure someone will have a cell phone, or some shit like that, and get updates. Some folks are talking like they want to avoid all mention of it and make it back to watch later on tv.

Yeah, right, that's going to work. I can't wait to find out. It's going to be fucking great.

Remember Lances' little entanglement with a mussette bag and subsequent falling down problem? The rumor I'm hearing is that his bike was actually damaged in the pile up with Mayo. The chainstay was cracked and that is what caused him to blow out of his pedals as it flexed all over. Probably helps to explain his attack and desire to stay away, and I mean way away, from everyone else at the front of the race.

How ya like them apples? Turns out the whole "Tour jump" thing actually did happen. Can you believe that shit? Thanks to all of you who wrote in about it. And I guess it is on film, with a nice wreck and ambulance crews as well. Good times.

From: POUCH Subject: Watson's jump Here's a little info about Watson's jump: Neither he nor any of the crew filming and helping were arrested. Dave did crash and was treated by an ambulance crew but is in fine shape. I've spoken to a few people about this jump and have gotten some mixed reactions. All the freerider types have been predictably stoked on it but there have been a few traditionalists who are a little peeved. To them I say Watson was there to celebrate the 100th Tour not to belittle it. He actually was even wearing a custom made yellow Sombrio (Dave's clothing company) jersey with a large number "100" on the back. You make the call.

I say this much, the guy has balls like a pair of fucking grapefruits. I was talking to my man Scott today, a man who has spent some time over in Frogville skiing and so forth up at Alp d'Huez. He tells me he had some buddies that would jump the road on skis, only to be chased off by the man.

Scott also said, "You can get away with a lot over there." And added, that when you cross that line it gets real ugly real quick. Something about being looked up in some dungeon sounding shit and ass fucked by Algerians.

And nobody wants that.

Here's an email from my man Dru basically quoting everything you can read, and probably already did over at velonews.com.

From: Dru Subject: Tour jumper VeloNews managed to catch up with Kona freeride pro Dave Watson who was just back from an eventful excursion to France . After being approached by a French cycling magazine a month and a half ago, Watson pulled off a monumental stunt, actually jumping over the back half of the peloton during the Alp d'Huez stage of the Tour de France. Watson estimated that the jump, a road gap, was about 45 feet in distance. "I had to come in from a funky angle because there were some police in the way," Watson explained. "And I had to time it just right because I didn't want to go in front of the riders and spook them. It was a group of about 15 and I went over right at the end of the group." Watson added that he had to brake check ever so slightly right before take-off, and that caused him to come up about a foot short on the landing. "I aired it nice," he said. "But I got bucked and crashed pretty hard. It's a jump I could do 10 times in a row no problem, but there was just so much going on." Asked what was the point of the jump, Watson said he "wanted to celebrate the progression of cycling. We're in a rad sport and I wanted to do something to help get it to the masses. Whether people think I'm a hero or a zero, I don't care. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but the only person in jeopardy was me."

He rides a Kona, eh? I wonder if he's rockin' a rigid one speed Unit like I am?

Somehow I doubt it. Here's a word doc file with a whole bunch of other info on the jump from folks at Freeride Entertainment. Thanks to Armand for sending that in.

Tonight has turned into a big email night, as I've been buried once again. I'm down to 118 unread emails and making good time to I might add.

I'd say this sounds a wee bit important, wouldn't you?

From: bikeleague Subject: Emergency Action Alert- more info on the loss of bike $$$$ Dear Bikes Belong Members and Friends of Bicycling, The following note from America Bikes is a call to action to fight an extremely serious threat to the future of cycling. Please read it and take action to keep bicycling alive. ACT NOW TO SAVE FEDERAL FUNDING FOR BIKE & TRAIL PROJECTS! A House subcommittee has voted to eliminate most federal funding for bike and trail projects in 2004. We need to move quickly to convince Congress to restore this important funding. Please make a phone call today! Sources on the Hill inform us that the $600 million intended for Transportation Enhancements was redirected to highways in the 2004 federal budget passed by a House Appropriations subcommittee on July 11. The budget also eliminates or slashes funding for new transit projects, Amtrak, welfare-to-work and smart-growth programs. Amtrak leaders say the move will shut down Amtrak. The actual bill language has not been released, but several Congressional offices have confirmed the contents. If the budget is approved, there will be no funding for Transportation Enhancements projects anywhere in the country in 2004. The Enhancements program has helped to build nearly 8000 bike and trails projects across the country, and has been the source of about 3/4 of the $2.2 billion in federal money going to bike and ped projects since 1991. The bill next moves to the full House Appropriations Committee. The vote will likely come within the next week. America Bikes is particularly concerned because eliminating this funding sets a bad precedent for the next 6 year transportation bill, possibly jeopardizing the bicycle community's efforts to strengthen existing programs, build safer roads, and create a strong national Safe Routes to School program. CALL YOUR MEMBER OF CONGRESS TODAY! Call your Representative's Washington DC office. Reach any Rep by calling 202-224-3121 and asking to be transferred to the Rep's office. If you don't know who your Rep is, find them on the League's new service at http://econstituent.votenet.com/lab Click on the elected officials tab and enter your zip code. Ask to speak to the staffer who works on Transportation Appropriations. Introduce yourself and business (number of employees, etc). IF YOUR MEMBER OF CONGRESS SITS ON THE HOUSE APPROPRIATIONS COMMITTEE (see list of members below): Ask them to "restore funding in the 2004 budget for Enhancements and other programs that help build a balanced transportation system." Talk about the value of the Enhancements program and bicycling to your community. IF YOUR MEMBER OF CONGRESS DOES NOT SIT ON THE HOUSE APPROPRIATIONS COMMITTEE: Say "I know your boss does not sit on Appropriations, but I am very concerned about the bill in Appropriations that would eliminate funding in 2004 for Transportation Enhancements and other programs that are building a balanced transportation system. Please help restore funding for Enhancements and other alternative transportation programs." Talk about the value of the Enhancements program and bicycling to your business. Visit http://www.americabikes.org/saveenhancements.asp for updates and more information. Please contact me if you have questions, and keep me informed if you learn more from your Rep's office. Many thanks, -m

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

veronica   I   victoria   I   jenna   I   velonews

Tyler Hamilton brings one home for the boys at Iwo Jima. The man is a fucking hero, full stop. I don't want to hear any shit otherwise. And, I'm talking 'bout you Roche-boy.

You can take your triple crown achievement and shove it square up your ass.

Rocky Ridge. The trail formerly known as Rocky Ridge. Rockless Ridge. Rocket Ridge.

Whatever. Rode it. Both ways. Had fun. I checked it out a couple of times and I still can't quite get my hands around what has happened up there on the mountain.

For those of you who don't have any idea what the fuck I'm talking about, Rocky Ridge is, or rather was, a trail up here in Flagstaff. Past tense. It was a short, couple of mile, rock strewn, pedal bashing, chainring smashing, leg singing tour de force. If you cleaned it, you were on.

I was seldom on, and probably only made it though with a single dab once in my life. But, now, that is all in the past. What passes as "trail maintenance" around here smoothed that bitch out like nobodies business. It's unreal, what is up there now.

Words used to describe it include "wide", "boring", "smooth" and "wheelchair accessible". I'd stop short of the wheelchair part, but only by a little bit. I've seen some guys do some amazing shit on wheelchairs and I would hate to slight them.

It's a fast, twisty trail now. The kind you take at Mach 5. I couldn't believe it. My mind kept screaming at me to "Slow down! You are going to die!" as the old Rocky Ridge would punch your fucking card if you tried to take corners at speed. You would have paid the price in one of the many baby head shitholes.

Now, it's mindless fun. The first time I rode it this week, I was chasing Gnome up from the Shultz side. It's not a bad climb, really, just when you're going full throttle trying to keep up with that bastard Gnome. I was in pretty deep, tunnel vision, sweat pouring into my eyes. I thought to myself, I thought we were riding this to check it out? I'm going way to hard to pay any attention at all.

Then I realized maybe that was the point after all. The trail no longer required much attention at all. You could just ride it. Now it carves and weaves, where before it pounded and punished.

Truth be told, I liked it the old way and the new way. Call me what you will, Rocky Ridge is not more. And I'm not going to waste my time worrying about it. It'll get harder again. Trust me.

It's already getting harder. The dirt the trail crew spread out over the rocks has the consistency of flour. Powder. It'll be gone again in no time, leaving only bare, unforgiving rock for your riding pleasure.

Shit, the third time I rode it, it was already harder than the first.

Counter point from the Gnome, "I don't think they should do any trail maintenance. Ever."

The Gnome. So short, so eloquent.

Monday, July 21, 2003

jenna rules   I   jennifer brock   I   april summers   I   velonews

Sitting in Pay and Take watching the Tour with fifteen odd nutballs and cycling freaks. It's just around 7:00 am and I was late. These boys are pros. They've been here since six. Tomorrow, I'll try to be on time.

I can't handle the looks of shame when I come in like this. Fuck.

And what is up with Roche? Damn guy is pissing me the fuck off. Glad I'm not the only one.

From: Chris Subject: This just in My psycho buddies on their multi crown pogo sticks are a buzz with Le Tour, I think. I just got an email from a friend that alleges that "Stunt Rider and Extreme Downhiller Dave Watson sits in a French jail cell today for jumping over the main group on a cliff side road during the Tour." They call that shit "gapping" I think. This was from a bike mag editor who I know is chasing Euro trash ass over there on his bike; who will remain nameless. Probably just a rumor spread to get those chair lift sitting/gondola riding 8" travel psycho's pumped while the real men in cycling lay wood on the asphalt in France. If it is true it was likely for one of those killer Mtb flicks (sans single speeds BTW). Hope the bike brand name was covered. Lord knows the reach of Le Blanc's henchmen. Serious man. My bro got the same news from another source. I know my shit makes you laugh and I appreciate the props but either someone is fucking with me or it went down. I kinda hope it did. Totally badass for a bunch of cliff huck squids. I got nothing against downhillers man, at least they run Ultegra in the rear! Oh, I just tore down my Stephan Roche Poster for that stupid shit he spewed about Tyler. So Tyler now takes the crown of toughest man ever to ride from Roche. Why run your Mick pie hole? How can Tyler's ride ever possible tarnish the image of cycling? What an asshole. I hope it was taken out of context or he at least comes back and says so. Other wise, Dude, a fucking Guinness will never taste the same. Well we still have the memory of Sean Kelly so maybe not. Anyway, here is hoping that Roche sits that long sit in Heathrow International, on his way home to my great grand daddy's home land, next to the Palestinians and the Israelis as they look through his shit.

I can't say much about the Dave Watson jump. I did a quick google search and came up with this. It seems a lot of guys named Dave Watson have had they're brushes with the law. But, not our boy.

But right fucking on about Roche. That guy is a dooche bag.

The Gnome is a funny ass motherfucker.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with Armstrong's bike. It looks a mess. Now his right pedal is popping out. Ulrich waited while Armstrong collected himself and rejoined the group. I'd say Trek stock is now plummeting. Sell! Sell!

I wonder which one on the Trek mechanics is getting fired tonight?

Armstrong has now attacked Ulrich, the man who just waited for him. Ugly.

Well, that's bike racing.

And I still like Ulrich.

From: Dru Subject: Me and you Jonny So, yesterday I find myself standing in front of the tv yelling like most americans on a saturday morning. But I'm not watching a ball game, I'm cheering on an over weight, german man with shaved legs and wearing spandex? What the hell is wrong with me. As soon as I saw Ullrich jump and Lance not make a move I couldn't believe it. I swore that Jan would win the Tour against Armstrong years ago, but even I had no hope of any kind of an upset this year. I know that Ang will stand buy me as I cheer on the Kaiser, does this make us unamerican? Hell, I am just wanting a great race like everyone else (I would also like what ever it was that Bianchi gave their teem leader yesterday) Viva le france & bring on the Kaiser It finally gets interesting. & hamilton, what a fucking stud!!

Armstrong takes the win in impressive style. You just can't argue with that.

Fuck it. Today is my day off and I'm going riding.

Sunday, July 20, 2003

anna marie   I   madison   I   nikki nova   I   velonews

How fucking badass was today's Tour stage? It was insane. The profile looked like a saw blade turned upside down. I wouldn't be able to ride it within a week. No way.

My man Scott put together a little bbq action this evening. The whole nine yards, my friends, the whole nine yards. A cooler full of the High Life, chicken and ribs on the grill, potato salad, beans, cookies and pie.

And, yeah Snake, I ate like a king. How's the legs feelin' today, old man? Still feelin' like shit? I hope you can pull it together before the Taylor House ride next Saturday. It would be a damn shame to see you get dropped.

That said, I've pretty much signed my own death warrant for next weekend. I'm going to be fending off Snake, and limping home. Alone.

Fuck that. I'll just wreck him in the first turn. He's mine.

From: Cody Subject: The Mystery Chick The 'mystery chick' from a few weeks ago is found. She's Terri Summers. She's hot. 1998 Penthouse Pet of the Mother Fucking Year. And why not, she's as hot as it gets. There's another Twisty's spread of her in an Orange Bikini somewhere. Fucking unbelievable; and I look at tons of porn. Oh yeah. I stuck a non-Colnago carbon fork on my Colnago. I guess I'm not a purist, but $39 on Ebay versus $799 for a Star Carbon, you can have all you readers call me fag, but I'll whoop them on my custom shit welded Specialized single speed. I did the shit welding, not some nice Taiwanese gentlemen. It needs proper SS drop outs, though. Get your Porn on: suze-centerfolds.com onlinegirls.com/tgp/2terri mysterri.com - - That's one shot of the Orange Bikini index01 index02 index03 index04 God Damn, I think she did movies too: Life is great. How come the girls are always Euros? Never white trash girls from central California? www2.xxxmoviestore.tv/

Thanks for the porn and good work with the 39 dollar fork. I would have done the same damn thing. In fact, that's pretty much the reason I'm running a Profile fork on my bike: It was cheap.

Just in case any of you thought you were badass, read about Scott and cry like I just did.

From: Scott Subject: le tour Hey big J, It's been a long time since I've written you from over here in fantasy land. I'm still having fun and riding my bike all over europe. I just got back from 10 days at the tour. Are you jealous! Yeah it is as magical as everyone says it is. I managed to log in a over 1500 kilometers in the 10 days, saw 5 stages of the tour and climbed every famous col that I could find, including galibier, l'alpe d'huez, l'izoard, ventoux, and sestrier. You should have been here, I partied like there was no tomorrow, Every morning my ride would start with an hour of sweating my hangover away. I couldn't even hang with the fucking brits, they drank me under the table every night. I am amazed. My year in Germany is coming to an end I'll be back in smokin' hot AZ in early september. Most definitely looking forward to knockin dicks in the dirt, or scrambling my brain on the road. I'll hit you up when I get back.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

amy miller   I   some other jenna   I   cheyenne   I   velonews

Good news for all of us porn junkies. Masturbating may protect against prostate cancer. Yep, read all about it over at the new scientist.

It's got to be true. It's on the internet. We all know everything on the internet is true.

It's like it was carved in stone for fucks sake.

And, the Thong Man is dead. What a shame. The world lost a good one when that guy checked out. Damn.

What we need is more nudity and less uptight bullshit.

Is it just me, or is this bambi hunt thing a little bit fucked up?

My boy Ulrich looked like a fucking freight train today. I loved it. Good stuff.

I can't wait for tomorrows stage.

I did the 7 and 9 am rides this morning and I'm paying for it now. I need to go lay down for awhile. I am such a pussy.

At least I got to hear Big Gay Randy whining like a little bizatch tonight. Fucking guy hurt his rib or something. You'd thing he just cut his arm off the way he's carry'n on.

Bizatch.

Friday, July 18, 2003

zoe   I   sydney moon   I   lesbians rule

Two very good things happened for me today. Ullrich just rode his fucking ass off in the time trail. My boy just laid down the law. "After his seventh career stage win, a delighted Jan Ullrich explained that "I am very, very happy with this win. I feel like I've found the old Ullrich today." More to be found over at cyclingnews and velonews.

We got ourselves a game now, boys. With the next four stages striking terror into climbing specialists like me, it's wide fucking open. The attacks are going to come hot and heavy in the coming days. Once they smell blood, it's like a bunch of dogs tearing apart a rabbit.

There ain't no stopping it. Just sit back and watch.

The second thing that got me all fired up is Kobe Bryant got charged with sexual assault. I hate the fucking Lakers. Have a good time in jail asshole. Yeah, I'm a fucking dick.

From: Paul Subject: bigjonny: Attached is a picture my brother back in Philly sent me the other day which I thought you might enjoy. In your latest rantings you reference your attendance watching the tour at a certain bar w/ some other regulars. Is this the same place w/ the free internet that your wife accuses you of squatting at and, if so, are the owners aware of your latest bout w/ sobriety? I would imagine that a big guy like you (w/ a lap top) takes up alot of room at the bar. And finally, is it is really appropriate for the DC to go public w/ this concept of drinking water.

Yeah, I'm usually found kicking it on one of Flagstaffs finer drinking establishments. And I'm catching a lot of shit for not swilling down beer like it's water. Instead, I'm swilling down water. And orange juice.

God, I suck.

From: Bruce Subject: What a jerk Roche calls Hamilton's attempt 'bad for cycling' By JUSTIN DAVIS, Agence France-Presse (Published July 17, 2003) NARBONNE, France (AFP) - Tyler Hamilton's brave bid to finish the Tour de France has been dubbed "ridiculous" and worthy of some candle-lighting in the religious city of Lourdes by former Tour de France winner Stephen Roche. The Irishman, who in 1987 won the Tour, the Giro and the world championships, feels the brouhaha surrounding the American rider's efforts are doing the sport no favors. Hamilton has been racing with a double fracture of his collarbone, diagnosed by the Tour's official doctor, since a mass crash marred the Tour's first stage on July 6. The 32-year-old CSC team leader, who had been expected to gain a top five finish in the centenary race, has been given painkilling injections and his bike has been adapted so that he can ride in less pain. He survived three days in the Alps and even managed to attack Lance Armstrong, his former boss at U.S. Postal, on the daunting climb up the Alpe d'Huez. But Roche, who saw his own team-mate Pascal Simon crash out with a shoulder injury while wearing the yellow jersey during the 1987 Tour, is not convinced. "It's definitely been blown out of proportion. It's totally ridiculous," Roche told AFP prior to the start of the 11th stage from Narbonne to Toulouse. "If the doctor says it's broken or fractured then he shouldn't be racing. It's as simple as that. "And if he falls off the bike then his shoulder could be severely damaged," added Roche, who feels that Hamilton's determination to finish the race after his successful season so far is bad for the sport. "I mean, it's not doing any favors for the image of cycling. For the past few years cycling has been getting its act together (vis-a-vis doping) and the commentators on TV are going mad about Hamilton - 'he's in the saddle, and he's out of the saddle etc etc'. "But I think all he and his team are doing is giving the public a gun to shoot us with. "People watching what's happening are going to be asking themselves, 'is this guy for real' or they are going to be saying 'what kind of (drugs) are they giving him?' "Sitting in the saddle with a fractured collarbone is hard enough, getting up out of the saddle is even harder, and attacking is almost impossible." Hamilton is in fifth place, 1-minute, 52-seconds behind Armstrong ahead of Thursday's 11th stage. Roche says the American might achieve his aims - if he lights a candle or two in the holy city of Lourdes, where the sick and crippled seek miracles. "A top five finish? I think it's still possible. He got through the Alps OK and so the Pyrenees shouldn't be any problem. "We'll be passing nearby Lourdes soon, so maybe he should light a candle."

God damn, Roche. You suck. What the fuck are you talking about, Hamilton is bad for cycling? You asswipe.

Hamilton is a fucking hero. That guy is hard as nails. Coming in fifth today with a broken collarbone, forget about it.

These guys, they're from Philly. The got heart. They're at the Tour.

From: Boyd Subject: I clicked across this site by accident - I have no Idea what is says but there is some topless chick selling flowers at the US OPEN?? http://www.markovic.sk/index.php Anyhow worth a look

I've no idea what it says either. But that sure does look like a topless chick to me.

But what the hell do I know about anything anyway? I'm just an idiot with a porn site.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

jennifer   I   petra verkaik   I   veronica zemanova

Arriving to late to see anything but the final few seconds of the Tour, I feel I'm ready to get my drink on. Let's hear it for i-Banesto. Fucking kick ass. Don't worry son, there is no shame in crying after winning a Tour stage. I won't hold it against ya.

Today, you are the man.

Read more about the Tour over at velonews as well. Good stuff.

I don't know what the fuck Arrnooold was doing up there on the podium with Lance. I mean, what the fuck has that beef head ever done for cycling? Can he even ride a bike for Christ's sake?

Maybe I'm being to hard on the meat ball. They do train bears to ride around the big top on little cute red bicycles. I'm sure Arrrnnoooooolllllldddd has a few tricks up his sleeve.

Here is what my boy Hudson had to say about the Tour thus far.

From: Hudson Subject: TdF j-dog, oh yeah, it's all true! lance has some kind of weird-ass mojo working in his favor right about now. the dude is just pulling trump cards out his bung like jordan and the bulls did when they went 6-for-8 in the 90s. it sure looks like he's cruising to #5 on the wings of the same kind of misfortune that sent ocana off the side of the road and "the cannibal" to the top step in paris. of course, the better you are, the luckier you seem to get. but... alexandre vinikourov hasn't exactly had a bad lead up to the tour (can you say "tour de suisse," "paris-nice" and "amstel gold"?) and is no shabby time trialist. what's more, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "crack." this is one hard man from a hard part of the world who is riding with the guts of two men. and... iban mayo is simply a better (ooh--sacrilege to all those armstrong bandwagoneers!) pure climber than armstrong (see "dauphine libere"). if...if...he can stay within 1'00" or so of the american in the TT, he is more than able to take back 2'00"-3'00" in the pyrenees. and euskaltel is also probably the only team that can best USPS when the road goes up. sure, armstrong has beltran and heras to chase iban down, but if tex can't "hold the mayo" himself...well, who knows? i'm hoping for some kind of battle over the next week and a half--i don't care who wins, i just want to see a good game! respect.

Hudson's got it pretty well covered nine ways till Tuesday. This weekend is going to kick ass. I'm looking for one hell of a time trail out of Ullrich tomorrow. Son of a bitch, he fucking owes me that much.

And, I want to see some action up in the hills in the coming days. I'm not sure anyone out there can beat Armstrong, but at least fucking try. Don't ever quit.

If you're going to go down, go down swinging.

Madden explained.

From: Steven Subject: Which is a chicken, stuffed into a duck, crammed into a turkey. Apparently its a cajun thing, and is available everywhere. (List price: $115!) Still curious? http://www.cajunstuff.com/store/turducken_faqs.php

Well there you have it. A buck fifteen gets you a sum total of dick. I'll stick with my usual po boy platter: Mac and cheese with a can of tuna.

God damn, I fucking suck.

From: Big Tex Subject: Cascade BJ, I'm back in town and think we should hit up the monsoon soaked trails soon. I just got a BLUR and need to put it to the test. Cascade tortured me but the scenery kept my mind off the pain. Coming from West Texas, I don't get to see no green colors. Racing at 50+mph next to a river is nice too. After driving 20 hours to get to Bend, the first stage hurt me and I never got on track. It's sad but I became satisfied just to finish with the group. Anyway, I finished and now have some speed in my legs. I saw a news flash in Oregon about the GLG---Gnome Liberators Group. Apparently, they liberate gnomes of all statures so tell the Angry gnome "there is hope, and he could be out of hell sooner than he thinks." Also of note, when I was at the Firecracker 50----epic race--- I met a friend of the guy who doubled as Lance in the WRX commercial---apparently the guy broke his collarbone railing through the mud for Lance. Just a side note, I'm not trying to infer anything. Anyhoo, stop buy for some Black Butte Porter. I have a twelver or we could hit up Snake----he has 2 cases of longnecks.

You should know better than to offer me free beer. 'Cause I'll show up and straight up swill that shit. Later on tonight, probably. Tell Marska I'm comin' once and I'm comin' real hard.

Hit me.

From: Bobby Subject: Lotto-Domo scrape in Lotto-Domo directors Marc Sergeant and Christophe Sercu were waiting quite a while at the finish line in Gap for their last riders to come in. They arrived 39'31 behind stage winner Alexandre Vinokourov, with eight minutes to spare on the cut-off time. A visibly relieved Marc Sergeant sighed when Van Bon, Gates and McEwen, the last one as pale as a ghost, struggled across the line. "We have been able to avoid a disaster like in La Plagne in '95, when five Lotto riders came in too late," Sergeant was quoted in Het Nieuwsblad. "On the Izoard, these three were already 30 min behind." "What a torture that was," added Claude Criquielion. "After three kilometres already Robbie McEwen found himself in trouble. I didn't eat all day, but I managed to smoke a full packet of cigarettes. Luckily Van Bon and Gates got a bit better after the Izoard. Amazingly in the last hundred kilometres, they only lost nine minutes to the leaders." "I never would have made it without the help of Van Bon and Gates," admitted an exhausted McEwen "I'm totally fucked," added Gates.

That fucking rules. Criquielion is a bad mother fucker. Dude used to straight crush fools. How'd ya like to be the guy who pissed him off?

One more thing and I'm out.

From: Tall Todd Subject: Jonny, Can you post something about this on the site? Apparently congress is considering removing ALL bike and mass transit funding from the new transportation bill. ENHANCEMENTS UNDER ATTACK We're frantically trying to beat back a threat in Congress to eliminate funding for Transportation Enhancement projects. Below is an action alert. Please forward it far and wide. The committee vote is supposed to happen on Monday, July 21, so we need to move fast. More at www.americabikes.org/saveenhancements.asp.

Consider it posted. Peace out.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

alley baggett   I   lesbians rule   I   seriously, lesbians rule

A rest day for the Tour, and therefore a rest day for me. No time spent sitting on a bar stool yelling at a tv screen. Oh no, we've far better things to do than that with out time. Namely, eat food.

I've noticed something about the regulars hanging around the bar every night watching the Tour coverage. We're not even drinking anymore. Yeah, that's right. I had a couple glasses of water last night. As did the guy sitting next to me.

And I really don't feel that bad about it.

Once your into the second week of the Tour, and you've been catching all the stages on a bar stool, and you've gotten a bit tipsy a couple of times now on a weeknight, and you're getting up and riding at six in the fucking morning before working all day down at the unairconditioned salt mine busing up rocks and comforting the lame, well… Sometimes a water sounds like a good idea.

Yep. I'm a fucking pussy.

A couple glasses of wine with dinner tonight and I'm straight. Plenty. Six am comes pounding on my brain soon enough. Tomorrow is the Bellemont Breakfast ride. If you've ever interested in joining Andy and I, you know where to find me.

If you don't know where to find me. Well. What can I say?

Today's joke.

An Englishman, German and French man are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when Saudi police burst in and arrest them. They are all sentenced to death, but with the help of good lawyers they successfully appeal down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, the last day of the trial falls on a Saudi national holiday, and the benevolent sheikh decides to release them after just 20 lashes of the whip. As they prepare for their punishment, the sheikh announces, "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow you each one wish". The German, first in line, asks "Please tie a pillow to my back", this is done, but the pillow only lasts 10 lashes before the whip slices through. The German is led away bleeding. The Frenchman is up next. He says smugly "Tie two pillows to my back", but even two pillows can only take 15 lashes and the Frenchman is soon led away whimpering loudly. The Englishman is last, and the sheikh says, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. You may have two wishes". "Thank you, Your royal highness", the Englishman says. "In recognition of your kindness, my wish is not for 20 lashes, but 100 lashes". "Not only are you honorable, handsome and a powerful man, you are also very brave", the sheikh says, "So be it. And what is your second wish?" he asks. The Englishman smiles and says," Tie the French Twat to my back!"

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

From: Kimbus Subject: Cops A cop with a motorcycle (they do look like ice-cream salesmen with those machines) stopped me, because I was riding without my hands. It was 22:30, and I was in the middle of a forest. Alone. Not going too fast. Can they do that? And why?

I'd have to say that's a new one for me. I've never heard of something so stupid. Although, I did see a bubby of mine get a ticket for riding a wheelie through an intersection once. I didn't really understand that one either.

I guess it's just another example of the man keeping you down and shit.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

chrissy   I   briana banks   I   lesbians rule

Exactly what kind of voodoo curse is on the Tour this year? I might as well bring it up, even though I don't really think Johan Bruyneel is practicing any of his Belgian bunny-juice style witchcraft on the peleton. But if he were, he would be doing a spectacular job of it.

Two riders, Beloki and Leipheimer, who were sure to figure heavily in the outcome of the event sidelined with injury? Hamilton with a collarbone fractured in two places? David Miller riding his way towards the yellow jersey in the prologue sans front derailleur and missing out due to a thrown chain? Armstrong barely missing a tumbling Beloki and coming down himself, hauling ass across a field and rejoining the race at the next switchback? Oh, it's the stuff of legend.

Beloki, with a second and a third in the last two years, had a lock on another podium appearance as far as I'm concerned. Sure, he probably wouldn't have made it atop the podium without an accident or injury knocking Armstrong out of the top spot. But, he was the second strongest in the race up until yesterday.

Leipheimer was the third spot on the "All American" podium dream of many this year. And, it's a good dream. A clean sweep of the top spots by American cyclists would be on hell of achievement. Something we'd all like to see. He is a strong rider for sure. I've heard nothing but good things about the guy from people who have worked with him.

I'm not sure I would've put him in third myself. Top five, sure. Top ten, absolutely. It would have been an amazing ride on his part to get into the top three. But, now we'll never really know will we, damn it all to hell. Anyway, that he would have left his mark on the outcome of the race, there is little doubt.

Hamilton was a good pick for a top three spot. I'm not the only one saying it, and his achievements this spring only help to bolster his potential. The guy is a fucking tank of a man, with gobs of talent and a class act to boot. Honestly, it's hard not to like the guy and almost impossible not to cheer for him. If I had some kind of cheesy award I gave out at the end of the Tour like Madden does with a leg off that fucked up turkey/chicken/duck thing on Thanksgiving, I'd be giving it to Hamiton.

What does he call that thing anyway? A tur dun kin?

Anyway, a broken, bloodied but unbowed Hamilton remains in the race. In a hobbled and handicapped sort of way he's riding into hero status for many of us. One can't help but wonder how'd he be riding if he were in one piece instead of several.

Of course, now all this means a grand total of dick. All three of these guys are busted up after crashes.

And, I must say, I'm glad to see this pseudo-mountain bike off road adventure crapola. Seems the time spent this winter filming those Subaru commercials ,now stuck on the endless loop setting on OLN for our enjoyment, was time well spent for our boy Lance. Did ya see how he railed that slope like he was selling ya a new car? Shit fire, sign me up.

Now everyone will have something else to talk about rather than that infamous "look". The rabid Lance-a-files needed something other than a slight overstear problem in the third corner at Darlington.

Oh yeah, Armstrong doesn't race NASCAR. Maybe he should?

Bottom line for me, it all just gets Ulrich closer to the podium. The way things are going, everyone between him and glory is going to crash, explode into flames or be abducted by aliens.

Maybe it's been his voodoo all along?

From: Justin (the jackass) Subject: Do you ever update your site? Big J, I know you are an internet junkie. So, why is your site still not updated? Your reports about life are what keep me living. I spent two hours walking around some town in Brazil to find internet service just to see your site and what do I find? I find that you still remain on Tuesday! It is now Saturday, so Get With it.

Jackass of the highest order, you are in Brazil for fucks sake. You are surrounded by insatiable cockhungry women fueled by a devils brew of jungle drugs and liquor and wearing only a thongs.

I trust you can have fun without me on this one.

Go long and go deep, my friend.

One more and I'm out.

From: Chris Subject: DAM I am a couch potato(E) with this tour shit Dude Lance launches blast at Simoni then goes single track to retain yellow! Did you get that blast at Simoni? Paraphrase: this ain't the Giro where you mostly cruse at 30k to the mountains and it is last one up??? That was large Everyone is at maximum velocity weather on the bike or in the mind and what we might say is Armstrong's supremacy at every level of the game. He was in position mentally and on the road to avoid and create. Beloki was tapped out and it led to poor reaction time and poor handling. That moment in time is pure TDF and no other race does that to a man. Good to see one of the lads from quick step ride up front as a return favor for Virenque today. All those other pussies sucking wheel pisses me off. WHAT did Le Blanc order all frenchies to stall if there was a French break. Fucking tards. Yo LeBlanc if you want French sponsor air time just focus the camera at the rear of the race till FDJ and JdLT come cross the line in the hills. We are talking like 10 hr's of all French TV then you chauvinist fuck. Now that we have a race can we get some shots of the rest of the bunch from that French Feed! Dam. Roll is in good form and so are Paul and Phil. That chick sucks but she is better than that dude from speed vision we had last year. Chris Carmichael should just fold and not say another word poor fuck. Not a word merchant. My take You suck

Monday, July 14, 2003

gina   I   monica   I   nikki nova

Another day, another Tour stage, another bike ride. Good times around the bar this evening, I'll tell ya. Where the fuck is my boy Ulrich? God damn it, Jan, get in there and fight. Don't leave me hanging after all the shit I've been talking.

And, fuck me running, what the hell just happened to Beloki? Shit. Fuck.

If Armstrong were to falter, he was my pick to replace him atop the leader board. Now he's fucked.

Budweiser out of a 24 ounce can. Smooth like butter, baby. Smooth like butter.

These links in from Laura in Holland.

Some good news. Emails really do help. Check out the latest and greatest happenings in Cleveland right here.

You can all stop emailing now as our work is done. Life is good in the hood.

Now this shit is just plain fucking wrong.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

veronica zemanova   I   nikki nova   I   jenna jameson

Today's Tour action was totally fucking badass. I hardly even know where to start with all the cool shit that went down. Ivan Mayo just plain flies uphill, Hamilton is a hero, Ulrich ain't scared, and God damn it all, Virenque is riding like a clean rider. Which I think is cool as fuck.

I sorted out my wireless card by reinstalling windows on this fucking little bitch for the forth time since I've owned it. What a pain in the ass. I'm not complaining. If I was Big Gay Randy might get mad at me and shit. And we can't have that now can we?

From: Mike Subject: Whoa a little error 1) Go to Google.com 2) type in (but don't hit return): "weapons of mass destruction" 3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal "Google search button 4) READ what appears to be a normal error message carefully.

I tried it myself and got this.

Yesterday's riding myself into sobriety plan led to big time fatigue. What a friggin surprise, eh? I think the rain that pounded us as it ended really put the icing on the cake for me.

I was no Belgian hardman. I was more of a northern Arizona softy.

And proud of it.

Jonas Carney says, "If you feel like sucking down a few PBRs while you're in Milwaukee, I highly recommend hitting the Nomad on Brady Street at 7:30 p.m. on Thursday." Click here to read the rest.

How ya like these guys? Good times at the Tour.

My man Randy down in the Verde Valley wants all of you to vote for the chicken on the bike. So, don't ask, just do.

No child left behind in Texas I guess.

Something like that anyway.

Saturday, July 12, 2002

veronica zemanova   I   erica campbell   I   lesbians rule

Do I need to mention how much today rules? It has been one hell of a time and it ain't even two in the afternoon yet. Did you catch the Tour coverage this morning? Well, if'n ya didn't, click the link and fucking read about it now partner.

Two words: Virenque and yellow.

How cool is that?

I know a lot of people think he's a prissy French cocksucker, but fuck, I like the guy. He's a bad, bad man and I always cheer for the underdog. I don't think he's got a snowballs chance in hell of staying in the yellow jersey for very long, like even through tomorrow. But, I do appreciate a good show.

And we got one today, boys. Oh yes we did.

I woke up this morning with the lights still on, the front door wide open and all my clothes still on. I think I only managed to get my shoes off 'cause I was wearing sandals.

I was on the bed at least. Sure, I was on top of the blankets instead of underneath them like a big boy. I'm just glad I didn't puke on myself or some other foul shit like that.

So, that was what my life looked like at about a quarter after six when I sat bolt upright, like what the fuck just happened?

I caught the ass end of the Tour on OLN down the street at my new favorite bar, got my computer to recognize the fact that yes, there really is a wireless card hanging out the side, and yes, I really did install all the necessary software three times. Fucking little bitch laptop. Work for once you fucking whore.

Computers are stupid little sluts and I hate them. But the give me so much joy. No, there are bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Bad.

I made it to the 9:00 am ride somehow thought the grace of God. Good thing too, 'cause it was one hell of a hard ride. I died a thousand deaths out there today. I think I seated out an entire brewery.

I'm pretty sure I drank a whole brewery. It had to come out somehow. So evil. So foul.

I love working out the toxins and sin in the morning. Don't you?

These next two emails are so totally fucked up I don't even know what to say about it. Read them both, and do what you will.

From: John Subject: Cyclists and motorists hey man, i dig your site, but that ain't why i am writing. i am actually writing to ask a favor of sorts. i am up here in northern ohio(cleveland area) and it seems that one of the local radio stations has some fucking asshole dj's telling people to start taking out cyclists with their cars. i don't know what the rest of the country is like, but it ain't too friendly here. i have been hit twice on my bike...hard... and i know alot of other people who have been hit. anyways, i am trying to stir up some outrage with cyclists so we can go after these fucks. i know there are other regional riders who read your site as well as not regional people who might want to get involved, sending some e-mails or writing or whatever.. i want to put some pressure on these assholes, you know? right, well i am forwarding you an e-mail on the dicks and i would love it if you could maybe mention something about it on your site? thanks.

I am so completely sick and tired of these redneck fucking pussies driving by and yelling stupid shit at me when I'm on my bike. It is not brave, tough, or cool to get a couple of words in on me and not even wait for my reply.

It is a pussy thing to do. Be a fucking man and say it to my face.

Threatening me with your car is just plain lame. You are a fucking pussy.

These jackasses on the radio over in Ohio are way out of line. I'd just love to introduce them to my boy Robbie McEwen, who told Armstrong in the Tour last year, "Shut your mouth or I will fill it with my fist."

I am unleashing the dogs of war. Let the email barrage commence.

From: Cory Subject: Scary stuff The following is from an email from Lois Cowan - Co-owner, Century Cycles On Wednesday, July 2nd, the morning radio show on WMJI-Majic 105 read an e-mail from a listener saying that bicycles should not be on the roads in the Cleveland Metroparks. At least one of the DJs told listeners who were in cars to do things like: - speed past the bike, pull back into the lane and slam on your brakes. - speed past the bike, have your passenger open their door and put on the brakes. - yell and/or honk at all cyclists as you pass in your car. - throw things like cans or rolls of pennies out your window at cyclists. Apparently, there was a caller who said that what they were telling people to do was wrong. The caller tried to explain that bicycles are allowed on the roads and are vehicles just like cars. From what I understand, the DJs made fun of the caller and didn't take her comments seriously. I contacted one of the DJs, Jimmy Malone, about the content of the program. He said that he would try to get "the other side of the story" on Thursday's show and I agreed to be interviewed. My interview started with me explaining that bicycles are allowed on the roadways and why some cyclists don't use the multipurpose trails in the Metroparks. During the "interview", I was repeatedly and relentlessly called a buffoon, idiot, clueless, pms-sufferer, couldn't take a joke, didn't understand satire and stupid. For the remaining three hours of their "show", they took calls from listeners and further encouraged drivers to do whatever it takes to get cyclists off the roads. Callers who agreed with their viewpoints were awarded a gift certificate to a local restaurant. They aired loads of people who called in to say that they agreed that bicyclists are basically moving targets. I heard of only one person that said they felt that their "jokes" were wrong. I was left wondering if they were just putting the ignorant people on the air or (as they said) did no cyclists call in with their opinion? On Monday, July 7, they were again making comments about bicycles being on the roadways. The biggest offender, Chip Kullik, again said he pulls over and opens his doors into cyclists. We need every single person who rides a bike to call or e-mail the Federal Communications Commission, the station, Clear Channel Communications and the Cleveland Metroparks to say that the program during these two mornings is wrong. It is DEAD wrong if someone is killed because the radio station spent over four hours "joking" about swerving into cyclists, throwing things at riders, honking, yelling, or passing and then slamming on your brakes. Please take a few moments to call, write or e-mail any or all of the following: Federal Communications Commission Enforcement Bureau 445 12th St SW Washington, DC 20554 phone 202-418-7450 fax 202-418-2810 complaints-enf@fcc.gov go to www.wmji.com to e-mail the Program Manager Dave Popovich and/or Jim Meltzer WMJI 6200 Oak Tree Blvd Independence, OH 44131-6933 DavePopovich@clearchannel.com JimMeltzer@clearchannel.com Clear Channel Communications, head offices, San Antonio, Director of Public Relations - lisadollinger@clearchannel.com John Hogan, CEO Clear Channel Radio 200 East Basse Rd San Antonio, TX 78209 johnhogan@clearchannel.com Bob Rotatori-PR Manager Cleveland Metroparks 4101 Fulton Parkway Cleveland, Ohio 44144 216-351-6300 ext. 3263 Someone needs to stand up against this aggressive and selfish behavior that some motorists feel against bicyclists in the Metroparks and on the roadways. We need to educate the public, both motorists and cyclists, about the correct rules of the road. Please copy me on any e-mails or letters that you send. I can be reached at: lois@centurycycles.com phone 440-519-0006 fax 440-519-0079 Lois Cowan Co-owner Century Cycles 33351 Aurora Rd Solon, OH 44139

Thursday, July 10, 2003

jennifer   I   mariah   I   chloe

Sweet suffering Christ on a crutch. This wireless internet stuff is straight fucked up. God knows why is won't work. It just doesn't. I think my computer has about had it. Maybe it's time to reaload the operating system. Again.

Why is it computers give me so much grief? I guess it's because I actually end up using on every day. If I never needed to use one of these pieces of crapola, it probably wouldn't mean as much to me if I couldn't get it to run right.

But, as it stands, I'm a slave to this fucking little whore.

The guys who runs this place just gave me a fair bit of shoulder as I sit here at the bar. Just plowed straight into me. Bastard. Nah, he's a good guy, he's just fucking with me.

I told him I couldn't get this internet bullshit to work tonight and he dissapeared into some back office layanbrinth. God knows what he's doing back there. I just hope whatever it is he's up to works.

I'm fairly certain the problem is all on my end. Why wouldn't it be? Of course it's my computer being a little bitch. It's never anything different. Am I fucking cursed?

Watch out for the Minotour, Medusa, Cyclops and whatever other monsters of Greek mythology are lurking about in the depths of this beer joint. YOu could get "comprimised" while you're bent over that modem thingy smacking some sense into it.

God damn I love this place.

A guy down the bar a few stools is asking for liquor. We don't server liquor here the girl slinging suds tells him. Beer only. And wine. Do you want a beer?

He doesn't sem to understand, so she tells him again.

Beer, dude. Beer. Beer is good. Beer is what everyone else is having. You want to be like everyone else, right? Don't be different. Conform. YOu'll find it strangly comforting.

I know I do.

Now he's having a look at the wine selection. I believe he'll be enjoying one of the house vintages tonight.

I'll be swilling cheap domestics. Why not?

Wednesday, July 9, 2003

tereza   I   autumn   I   kyrstal steal

It's amazing where being an internet junkie with out a home connection will take you. Amazing. I've been killin' myself with this wireless bullshit for a couple of days, scrounging what I could when I could. Now I'm sitting at an office desk of a man I do not know.

I imagine he is home with his family. Good looking wife and daughter by the looks of the photos. A regular guy living the American dream.

He is a lucky man.

I'm in here sucking on the bandwidth crack pipe just because I can. Tomorrow, I'll be back on the street hustlin''. This one day at a time shit gets old.

I gotta give up the life.

Oh, and the Tour fucking rules. Good damn, this has been a crazy fucking race. Already we've had drama coming from all angles. It's insane.

Hamilton is a workman hero. A fucking total hard man. Check this pic and tell me he isn't hard as fucking nails.

Here is what O'Grady had to say about it.

I think I'm agreeing with him.

My man Nick wants to give a shout to the Colonel and Mike Fesky from right here in Pay and Take. Good times.

Tuesday, July 8, 2003

jenna fucking rules   I   lesbians rule   I   jana cova

Back at the bar with Big Gay Randy. He's telling me my site, "is too depressing" to read anymore. "All you do it bitch about stuff. You used to be like yeah, riding!, but now you're like Ah, it's too hot!."

Whatever.

At least this didn't happen on the Saturday group ride in my town. Not this week at least. And thank God for that.

The 'old geezer mowing down twenty cyclists without even realizing it' is one of life's most terrifying scenarios. And it actually happened. Fucking stupid ass shit.

So, I'm sitting in a bar drinking the Big Gay's Tecates. Cold, crisp and on his tab. And he's got a bunch of them. Fucking good times.

I'm here 'cause msn sux.

From: Bill Subject: Kick ass site Kick ass site man, We have been checking you out everyday and laughing our asses off. We are following you crazy fucks all the way from the east coast. We are roadies for the most part, our Giants are in the shop because we fucked with them and cant get them right. So we have been riding these nasty ass trails in the park. My cousin is a fuckin mad man and makes me do crazy shit that nearly gets me killed on a daily basis. Went over the handle bars yesterday and cracked two ribs. This douche bag calls me to ride today. Told him to shit in his hat, I need a few days to recoup. Thanks for the entertainment

Glad to help out. Sounds like you should stay away from your cousin for awhile. At least let him bust his ass a few times.

If you're not busy on the 18th, 19th and 20th of July, you should check out this super cool underground race. It's going to be a good one. I'll be working, of course, so I'll be missing that one.

I'll let Big Gay Randy go out and kick ass instead of me. Kinda like a stand in.

You know, that fucker just picked up my beer, frowned, and said, "You're not drinking and you're not riding. What the fuck are you doing?"

And then he put another one in front of me. Cue'n 'em up, he said. Fuck me. This is going to get ugly.

And, sometimes, when I totally loose control, I like it.

Ang asks me, "Should I but another six pack?"

"I dunno. Sure, baby.", I say.

"Gimmie money."

Monday, July 7, 2003

jana   I   ashley robbins   I   ashley robbins?

Has some coffee with my man Garro this morning. He told me he caught Mr. Noble of Kona fame, talked to him for awhile, took note of his condition and just rode away at the Cream Puff.

"Fucker. He did the exact same thing to me last year!"

Well, we know about how those two finished. I also hear Stella of Single Speed World fame won the woman's title. I'm sure she did. Fucking girl is fast as shit. Kicked the crap out of me, that's for sure.

Another night sitting in a bar. It's cool though, at least my internet sorta works sometime. Sorta.

It takes me about 20 minutes to get this wireless piece of shit sorted out. And, just when I do, my wife takes the wireless card for her won machine. Damn it all to hell.

Good times.

Some things heard about the shop this week:

"I need a new steering bar".
"I need a new adapter plate for my rear differential."
"I need a new seat pipe."

English as a second language in the bike shop. The skills to pay the bills.

From: Hef Subject: Wotcha dude Yeah, its the Deathwish englishman again. How shit with you, man? I was gonna like, emigrate to california or some shit, but I kinda got talked out of it. man, those guys are cycle friendly. fuck that noise : you cross the street there and cars stop like 50 feet away from you, and get this BACK up when you come at them. I don't need that. I'm a london Boi. wheres the constant fear of death? anyway, fuck that noise about americans and the big tours : whatever happened to Chris Boardman? Everytime that poor fuck turned up at TDF you knew something fucking horrific was going to happen. mashed into a wall, whatever. I stopped watching after the drugs bust at... what was it? pelaton? I figured It could get any funnier if they put Induran in as commentator and gave hima fuckload of speed just before it went live. man, that'd be some funny shit. After spending nearly Two months in cali and doing a road trip from there to Tryon, NC, Ive come to one conclusion about american draft beer. Its all shite, apart from : Shiner bock, and yeah, Ok, I give in. I actually liked Pabst. Stop laughing, you fuck.

Boardman just about did get himself killed there a few times didn't he? I always felt bad for that guy when he got all bitched up. Didn't he wipe out in a prologue once as well and end up in the hospital?

Now Indurain on speed with a microphone in his face had got to be better than Andraeu on speed. Now I'm not suggesting he does drugs, I'm just sayin'

The doping problem with cycling commentators in huge and needs to be addressed. Why, I know of one "cycling commentator", if you want to call him that, who is sitting at a bar right now knockin' em back right now. As he types this.

But you didn't hear that from me, Ok?

From: big m and justin Subject: Re: Brasil!! We forgot to tell you about the "Drive-Ins" here in Brazil. SO.... it's like a drive in movie, but there is no screen and no movie. These things are lit up with Neon hearts and palm trees and shit and there are a couple of big guys standing at the entrance. You drive your car in....drive into a stall with a curtain... park...and have sex. They're not just for prostitutes...they're for anyone, and apparently they are really common. We drove through one to make a U-turn just to see what it was like and it was honestly the funniest shit I've ever seen. I guess if you can't get off yourself, you just roll the window down and listen to everyone else! There were a bunch of cars in there too. The other think is the "Motels." It's like cheap Las Vegas with heart shaped beds and shit like that, but they're cheap, they're rented by the hour, night, week, whatever... but again, not to take prostitutes to, just to go to if you feel like having sex. They names are funny as shit, like the Kama Sutra, the playbunny, the red devil, etc.... I guess if you don't feel like going home, you just go to a motel. Pretty funny shit.

You hittin' on me M?

If you want it baby, all you have to do is ask.

My man Mike wrote, " Does this do anything for Americans towards carving out the petroleum reduced future we know is inevitable? Does it do anything for energy conservation, advanced energy technology, global warming, or all the political problems associated with oil? We should be leading the world into the new energy future, not being wagged by the thieves and reactionaries that comprise an excessive part of the oil business."

And he sent this link for ya'll as well. Check that shit out, homies.

Fuck it, ride your bike and fuck cars. Do what ya can. A little every day. We'll chip away at this mess somehow. A little bit at a time.

Sunday, July 6, 2003

veronica   I   monika   I   veronica zemanova

I've had a hell of a time getting online lately. First my dsl back in the house went tits up for no apparent reason. A couple of phone calls to those jokers at msn got me absolutely nowhere. Fucking jokers. God damn, can a brother get a table dance or what?

They tell me, oh, we have no record of an account with you.

Yeah, well you sent me a modem. I've got it right here. I guess I've got some kind of account with you. Unless you're in the business of giving away free modems these days.

Then last week, a return authorization, an adhesive, prepaid shipping label for me to send my modem back to Ohio showed up in the mail. So, I get on the phone. What the fuck is up with this?

We have no record of an account with you.

I was online this morning. I have one of your modems. Now you want it back or you'll charge my phone bill. What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, it went nowhere.

So, now, after I was gloriously balls deep in broadband, I'm sitting in the bar down the street with a wireless card. It's a free hookup and they serve, or all things, beer.

I'm a couple of Guinness into the night, feelin' all right.

Like I needed another reason to hang out at a bar. Just great.

I've got a blank guy from Atlanta next to me at the bar, and I swear to fucking God, he just asked the bartender, "Where the niggers at in this town?"

"Where's my people at?"

I'm at a loss for words.

This bar fucking rules. I'll have to give Brinkybaby a free ride next Saturday morning out of respect. God damn.

How fucking nuts is this story?

From: jerry Subject: Shut up and Single Speed Big Jonny, My wife and I were riding up in your neck of the woods this 4th of July weekend. We had a couple of good MTB rides on the 3rd and 4th and few beers to celebrate. We headed out on the 5th to seek out some mellow trails west of Schultz Tank to recover before heading home. So we are just cruising up 89, taking it easy, enjoying a beautiful morning. As we get close to N. AZ Museum I notice another mountain biker spinning along. As we get closer I notice his wide up right bars and no derailleur hanging off the back. When we are about 50 feet behind him, my wife says "wow, those are some wide bars". I reply back, "single speed". We pull up beside him and give him the obligatory "how's it going?". He replies, "good...I figured you guys had gears". I just turned my head and kept riding. I didn't drop the hammer, just kept on with our leisurely spin. He sat in for a little while and was gone. What's the point of this little story? If you choose to ride a single speed, fine, great, have fun, ride your bike, but if your ego is so fragile that you feel the need to tell every geared rider passing you that you are on a single speed...GET SOME GEARS! I have a single speed and love it (I admit, I ride my geared bike more), but I have no urge to tell any rider passing me that they are doing so only because I chose to ride my single speed. If you ride a single speed, one of the reasons you do is probably because you are a hard man. But keep in mind a truly hard man does not have to tell anyone that he is in fact tough. Other riders will know by your riding, not your excuses.

Well said. What else can I add to that?

A letter to the president. And more on that joker.

From: big m and justin Subject: Brazil!! Jonny.... Heres the scoop on Brasil. Lots of half naked (more than half naked) people running around. Boob jobs, thong bikinis, beer for 50 cents a can, and TONS of coconuts! Justin and I just spent the last 8 days in the northeast part of Brazil on the beach in a city called Salvador, Bahia. It is a common vacationing place for all the city folks from the south, especially now that it's getting to be winter, and the biggest coconut-producing place in the world! Neither of us are used to being that relaxed, but we had fun hanging out and looking at people (I think Justin may go crazy if he doesn't get back to his bike soon...). All of the women here dress like those sorority girls we'd see at No Anchovies when they are going out to party... except the women here aren't going out to party. It's everyday. I don't have that much to say about the men... not that you care about them anyway. No great packages to tell about, although I did see a bunch of men's hairy buttcracks. It was not that exciting. They don't care about keeping their shorts on their waste. The women are pretty much the same. Beers for 50cents.. no joke. I think it's good you aren't here or your diet would go to hell ...since the food is cheap as well. Anyway, not much else is happening. We are back in Sao Paulo now. It's a gigantic, disgusting city. The smog makes my eyes hurt. I think we are heading to southern Brasil soon. We'll keep in touch when we can. Say hit to all the boys in Flag!! and of course to Ang and Betsy.

I'll say hi to everyone for you. And, holy shit, .50 cent beers? Fuck me running. That's rad. I don't know what I'd do with myself with all those half naked girls running around. I might have a little "problem" and end up in jail or something.

Well, lets hope not. We don't need that. No, not really. Thank you very much.

It's Tour time once again and I'm so fucking stoked I can't see straight. All I've got to say about that is Petacci is a bad, bad man.

And how fucking bummed are you to hear about Hamilton's bad luck? A broken collar bone? Are you shitting me?

I mean, what the fuck curse is there on American cyclists in the grand tours? Hamilton crashes the shit out of himself in the Giro and now the Tour? Fucking Vaughters isn't ever crossing the pond anymore. I'm convinced if he shows up for another Tour a tree will fall in his head.

What else is left for that guy besides losing a limb?

Oh, the horror.

Friday, July 4, 2003

ashley robbins   I   chasey lane   I   erica campbell

The Forth of July. God Bless America. May we once again find our way.

We are without question the most powerful country in the entire world. And what do we do with all that power?

We let some rich kid frat boy run the fucking country.

Where are the "pulled myself up by my bootstraps" types when you need them?

Cause now baby, we need one. A guy out of nowhere. A small town you never heard of. His father was a coal miner. A delivery truck driver. A factory worker. A working man in America.

Give me someone I can believe in. Someone I can trust. We have many hard years ahead of us if we want to right the wrongs, rebuild what had been destroyed, replenish what has been squandered.

Yeah, I'm a few beers into this and I'm feeling it.

Our current path, our current administration, out current direction is leading us down the path to ruin.

We have allowed our hands-on, cheap labor jobs to go overseas. Be it the garment industry, steel, what have you. It is gone. Gone forever. And I don't think we'll ever get it back.

Do you know you can't buy a bicycle tire that was made in this country anymore?

The United States once lead the world in raw materials and produced goods. Now, I fear, the tide is shifting away from us like warm summer beach sand through a child's hands.

Slowly, constant, never-ending.

We will soon be a country of no real value. A bubble held open by cooperations without loyalty to anything besides the bottom line. A modern day British Empire on the brink of collapse.

It will fall in upon itself if things do not change. The most powerful military the world has ever known is an old game with predictable outcomes. The foundation of our strength is rotting away while the good old boys knock back highballs and tease each other about golf scores, cars, dividends and other worthless shit.

We are poised on a crux. A move that can decide the whole shebang. The next steps will prove to be very important down the line. This is go time. Step up and deliver the goods.

You want to use power correctly?

You do not act like a school yard bully. You do not act like a thug. You do not abuse your status.

Raise up the downtrodden. Embrace the needy. Comfort the lame.

In my opinion the fall of Rome was precipitated by leaders such as ours. Fuck everyone else: I'm rich. Fuck if it it's all falling down around me, I'm sitting here and playin' this here fiddle.

Good plan. History shows it to be with out fault, or question, or concern.

We should be very, very concerned.

A good group ride is only as fast as it's weakest rider.

Remember that, take it with you. Apply it to all things. And we'll all be in a better place this time next year.

Thursday, July 3, 2003

kyla   I   klara   I   sydney moon

Fuck.

My fucking internet connection has been down for two days now. I'm like a ship without a rudder wandering about in the great ocean of life. I need the internet like a junky needs his fix, like a fish needs a bicycle, like a priest needs fresh altar boy meat. What the fuck am I talking about?.

And the Tour starts Saturday. This Saturday. As in day after tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do without my daily updates. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This sucks it.

I guess I'll just have to ride my bike more. When you get right down to it, what else is there?

Fuck.

Look for more in the fuck department here at drunkcyclist.com in the coming days.

Someone fucking shoot me.

Tuesday, July 1, 2003

veronica zemanova   I   veronica zemanova   I   veronica zemanova

Pulled a short hour or hour and a half ride out of my ass this morning with Snake. It was glorious. He showed me some cool single track south of town I had no seen before. Good times.

I was riding like a potential Roubaix winner until I just about stuffed it up I a sandy, way more than 90 degree corner. I oversteared a bit in the sand and rocketed off the trail and my bike in short order. Second time in two days I've managed to totally fuck up and hit the ground running. And, most importantly, live through it.

On the Ang front, we enjoyed checking out the bruise on her back from the seat whaling into her when she wrecked. A couple of days really helps those bruises fill out nicely. The old "heat seeking bike missile" is always a nice way to cap off a wipeout.

I know I've had some where I had enough time to think, "Oh my God, I'm alive!" And then, Blamo! My bike hits me in the back of the head and knocks the living shit outta me.

Oh, those were the days.

Why is wrecking so much more fun when someone else does it?

How about some silly ass quotes to start the day out right? Thanks to Matt for sending these in.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

I feel better. Smarter even. How about you?

A bit more about wrecking, or almost wrecking. I've learned time and time again that it is a really bad idea to follow the gnome down anything. Ever.

Don't follow the Gnome if you can't do what he does. Pretty simple concept, isn't it? Then why can't I seem to remember it?

Just this morning, I'm behind that little bastard as we are railing through a pressure dip kinda valley thing. So big deal, just a fast little roller, the kind you won't have to pedal until you're halfway back out of it.

There is a ledge of rock coming up out of the bottom. Again, no big deal. Just push down, lean back and bunny hop right over it maintaining all kinds of momentum and flying out of it.

Sounds easy enough, right?

Well, I've never ridden this particular trail. So, I don't even know about the ledge until the Gnome is flying up and over it. I'm right behind him, so I do the same thing.

At least in my mind I'm doing the same thing. I notice as he's in the air and I'm coming down that he's also clearing a rather large root.

I am not.

I swear to God the damn thing is the size of a fucking telephone poll and I'm heading right into it. Not past it, not on top of it. Straight the fuck into it.

I plow the front wheel into it, try to take up the impact my just about planting my chest on my stem. Screaming like a manly twelve year old girl throughout the whole experience as well, mind you. My right foot blows out of my pedal and I slam it down hard as far ahead of my as I can trying to stay upright.

I must have looked like a total jackass. Maybe even a jackass and a half.

I didn't wreck. Somehow. I did manage to scare the living shit out of myself. I did do that.

What's the lesson here?

Do not follow the Gnome if you cannot do what the Gnome does. He will clear way more shit than you will when he bunnyhops a rock garden. He will make it around the corner as you fly off into the trees. He will make it between two people in the group the you will not.

He is the Gnome. And you are not.