Local Big Man On Campus, Gord Fraser, took 9th place in the opening time trail at the Tour de Langkawi. Kinda makes me feel better after he kicked the shit outta me and damn near everyone else in this town for the last two months. I can't say I'll miss him being around on the shootout tomorrow morning.

My man David sent me this pic and said to be careful when I looked at it. I can see why he was concerned. I just about fell right out of my fucking chair.

What it today, fucking Friday? Does that mean I don't have to ride my ass of today? Jesus, who ever thought I'd complain about riding?

For fucks sake. Read about this lady who crashed a couple of cyclists with her car. Good job, lady. I hope you like probation.

I can't even go on a ride here in Tucson without some kind of negative incident involving a car. The whole slap on the ass thing was more funny than anything else, but it is usually worse.

I've had some dickhead redneck call me an "asshole" each of the last two days. Both times these Mr. Toughguy types were rolling by and yelled at me without stopping. Even at the red light were I almost caught one of the guys yesterday, he turned right and tore ass down the street.

It's really starting to get on my fucking nerves. It's letter time.

From: O'Grady Subject: Slap on the bootay Hey, Big Jon, Be glad the sonsabitches only gave ya a quick feel. Some of the peckerwoods infesting this benighted corner of the Home of the Brave try a leetle harder to get your attention, as I learned in this note from Bicycle Colorado: ---- CYCLISTS ATTACKED IN FORT COLLINS Fort Collins police report eight assaults on cyclists since mid-December. Police recently arrested two juveniles and charged them with second-degree assault in all eight incidents of either hitting cyclists with a baseball bat or forcing cyclists off the road with their vehicle. Random assault is a horrible crime and the victims are pursuing legal action. Police were able to catch the suspects thanks to a quick report by the last victim. Shortly after the cyclist was struck on the arm with a bat, he quickly called police to provide a vehicle description and location. The description matched the other reports police had received. Fort Collins police responded by flooding the area with officers who located the vehicle matching the description and made the arrest. This is an extreme case, but a solemn reminder that cyclists should be prepared to act if threatened on the road. 1. Promptly report dangerous encounters on the roads to the authorities. 2. Carry a cell phone with numbers programmed for your local police, county sheriff, and Colorado State Patrol. 3. Don't let criminals intimidate cyclists from our rights on the road. --- Fuck a bunch of cell phones. It makes a man want to stretch a jersey pocket all-to-be-damn' with some burly class of hand cannon, like my old Smith & Wesson .357 with the four-inch barrel. 'Course, it weighs as much as a Litespeed Vortex, and if you ever stacked it in a sandy corner with all six chambers stuffed with 158-grain semi-jacketed hollow points, you'd blow your own ass halfway to San Diego, and Satan would be laughing so hard when you arrived in Hell that you'd get off with some sort of light duty, like using your teeth to tweeze the back hair off Georgina Spelvin from "The Devil in Miss Jones," if she ever croaks. Come to think of it, I think I'll just keep working on trying to grow that third eye in the back of my head. The bugger used to pop up all the time back in the Seventies, for reasons far too illegal to go into now, but a man can always hope for those flashbacks the shrinks kept jabbering about. Cheers, Axles O. Eville Dog Breath Velo Club

At least that hasn't happened to me yet. Hit with a baseball bat I mean. The flashbacks happen all the time, but Doc says I'm gettin much better. Jesus fucking Christ, that is fucked up. Hit with a bat. I think I'd be wanting for a gun as well. I mean, you hit me with a bat, then I get to shoot you in the ass fair and square.

And, I'm talking about dumping rounds at a moving target while I'm still pedaling, so it's still sporting and all. I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm gettin all soft and shit over here.

Now as far as ending up in hell tweezing ass hair off porn starlets with my teeth, well, the jury is still out on that one. I'll save you a seat by the fire, O'Grady. Assuming of course that I beat you there. You may be there first. In which case, I'll be looking for a little help from you in the seat department. Sound fair to you?

This next quote kicks a whole truckload of ass.

From: Response Subject: RE: you fucking jedi pimp "But this theory of our government is wholly different from the practical fact. The fact is that the government, like a highwayman, says to a man: 'Your money, or your life.' And many, if not most, taxes are paid under the compulsion of that threat. The government does not, indeed, waylay a man in a lonely place, spring upon him from the roadside, and, holding a pistol to his head, proceed to rifle his pockets. But the robbery is none the less a robbery on that account; and it is far more dastardly and shameful. The highwayman takes solely upon himself the responsibility, danger, and crime of his own act. He does not pretend that he has any rightful claim to your money, or that he intends to use it for your own benefit. He does not pretend to be anything but a robber. He has not acquired impudence enough to profess to be merely a 'protector,' and that he takes men's money against their will, merely to enable him to 'protect' those infatuated travelers, who feel perfectly able to protect themselves, or do not appreciate his peculiar system of protection. He is too sensible a man to make such professions as these. Furthermore, having taken your money, he leaves you, as you wish him to do. He does not persist in following you on the road, against your will; assuming to be your rightful 'sovereign,' on account of the 'protection' he affords you. He does not keep 'protecting' you, by commanding you to bow down and serve him; by requiring you to do this, and forbidding you to do that; by robbing you of more money as often as he finds it for his interest or pleasure to do so; and by branding you as a rebel, a traitor, and an enemy to your country, and shooting you down without mercy, if you dispute his authority, or resist his demands. He is too much of a gentleman to be guilty of such impostures, and insults, and villanies as these. In short, he does not, in addition to robbing you, attempt to make you either his dupe or his slave." -- Lysander Spooner, The Constitution of No Authority (1870).

You can read more of Lysander Spooner over here. It's some pretty damn good stuff.

I missed the State of the Union address the other night, but my man Mike says this little ditty by Bob Herbert is a "home run".

I'm inclined to agree with him.

Thursday, January 30, 2003

anetta keys   I   sky lopez   I   nikki nova

You know what I like? I like my Niterider headlight and I like Jenna Jameson. And you thought I couldn't put those two things in sentence. Made you look, now your just a slave to a page in my rhyme book.

I got to ride out at the 50 year trail again today. I'll tell ya like this, I think that is the best mountain biking in Tucson. I love it out there. Even if I only got to ride for an hour and a half, it was still fun.

How fucked up is this?

And check out the bike café.

Consider yourself warned. The critical mass folks are set to do whatever it is that they do tomorrow in Phoenix. I can't say that I'll be there, but who cares.

Anyone else feel like touching their sack for Iraq? I know I do.

Hell, I do it for pretty much no reason at all. In fact I'm doing it right now.

This is a day late and a dollar short. But when you are buried up to your ass like I am in email, you just can't help it.

From: Bill Laudien Subject: Sportsbook.com adds World Champion For Immediate Release The Sportsbook.com Professional Cycling Team is proud to announce the addition of World and US National Duathlon Champion Josh Beck to their roster. Josh won the 20-24 age group and will be named the US Triathlon Federation Duathlete of the Year next week in San Diego. "Josh provides us with a threat for the GC" commented Sportsbook.com team director Bill Laudien, " He's obviously a talented time trialist, but as he showed in winning the PA State Championship with a mountain finish, he can climb as well." After receiving his US Tri award in San Diego, Josh will join the team in their West Coast swing at Solano and Redlands. The Sportsbook.com Professional Cycling Team is sponsored by London based Sportsbook.com Sportsbook and online casino. Traded on the London Stock Exchange, Sportsbook.com accepts bets on both US and International sporting events.

So, how's this grab ya? I'll bet it does you like it does me.

Ah fuck, I am so ready for bed. Justin and Maren came by earlier with a bunch of Tecate quarts. We drank them. And some Bass. And some Sierra Nevada. I'm a couple of beers up on Snake. He's asleep. So I win, right?

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

monique dane   I   veronica zemonova   I   taylor morgan

It looks like things are tough all over. Especially for us cyclists.

Pulled a hundred miles out of my ass today. (Snake called me a blatant liar, 98.69 was the actual mileage). Good times. When I was five hours and ten minutes into the pain cave, and only 15 minutes from home, some guys came by me in a late model Mustang. One of the bastards leaned out of his window and slapped me on the ass.

I say again, one of them slapped me on the ass.

The biggest disappointment for me was that no women ever slap me on the ass. Just the fucking guys like what I'm dragging around. I should just say fuck it and turn gay. Probably make Snake happy. He's already gayer than a fucking tennis helmet.

I was waiting for the results to get posted somewhere so I could link to it, but to my knowledge it isn't yet. So I'll just fucking say it. Jake "Snake" Rubelt won Arizona time trail number one.

Yep, that bastard that sleeps on my floor just blew the doors off everyone.

Hope you brought your woodscrews with ya, fellas.

From: Joshua Subject: smack talkin roadies hey here's a new Az link for ya seeing as how Az cycling wants to keep it clean and nice........... groups.yahoo.com/group/talkindasmack/ have fun

Jenna Jameson rules.

One last thing, go check this out. It's the cycling forums. It's a dot com, doncha know.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

veronica zemanova   I   katana baker   I   kira kerner

I am in the midst of the as yet unseen this winter, two protein shake recovery. I'm drinking the second one right out of the blender. I am totally and completely fucked.

I followed Gnomie and that bastard Snake up Mt. Lemon at a considerable distance, about a mile back I'd say, while Mr. and Mrs. IamFast did their big gear efforts. Snake went for a half hour, alternating between a 53 - 17 and some even higher shit, turned around and did it again. I rode for a half hour at half that pace, turned around and crawled up for a second time. He is fast and I am not.

The real fun was the city limit sprint on the way back, down near Tanque Verde road. I stood up as the Gnome jumped and it all just went dooouuuuhhhhh. I sat back down.

The Garden Gnome opened up a smart gap and showed me a clean set. Then he spanked his ass. Then he laughed.

I couldn't pedal right for another twenty minutes.

I hear ol' Gnomie's gonna put up a scoreboard to keep track of all these city limit battles over on his site for the rest of the year. I don't imagine I'll figure into that all to prominently. But, do as he may, I got him once.

He won't blank me this year.

Do yourself a favor and check out wrench science. They are my newest advertiser on the site, and a good bunch of guys. I think the thing I like about them the most is how much shit they get from the readers of sites like velonews and cyclingnews for the racey little ads they like to run. Of course, on a site like this, that shit seems pretty tame, but to some folks, it is the devil himself.

Turns out Dru and Kelly are in fact getting married. Ok, say it with me, all together now, "Congratulations"

From: Dru Subject: RE: Vlade's X's Jonny, remember all that crap I said about 'a stallion has to run & run free' when it comes to relationships? Well, I got engaged in Vegas this weekend. It happens to the best of us, tired of playing the games and well, it really comes down to, she makes a lot more money than I do. So it's going to go down in June of 2004 on the shore in Jersey. You and Ang are invited, it will get more formal after this but just wanted to let you know.

You're damn straight I'm invited. Wouldn't miss it for the world. The wheels are already turning on your bachelor party. I won't settle for anything less that waking up in jail.

Cannondale has declared bankruptcy. Sad day for them, eh? What a mess. I hope they can regroup from the current crises. It'll be tough, but I think they can do it.

From: Michael Subject: cannondale woes I really hate to hear this, even though as an American small business owner I do understand the hardships involved. to blame American consumers for the fatality of an American company is a little bit lame. sure, Japan, Austria and several other companies have dominated the markets of motocross, and believe me, I will buy American whenever possible, whenever it makes sense. here is my formula... there is an issue of price vs. quality the way I see it. in all cases, when shopping for anything, I will look at the varying degrees of quality represented on the market. I will narrow the field down to the products which I feel have the best quality of manufacturing and craftsmanship. then, out of those remaining, I pick which one offers the best value for the dollar. in some cases I will forgo the price and go straight for what I really want, other (most) times I will stick to the budget and go for the one which I feel is giving me exactly what I want at the best price. the point here is that if by the end of my decision making process I come up with a product that is not American made or designed or whatever, then fuck it. in the case of a bike, being American made is not necessarily going to contribute to it's quality or durability or anything else. I have owned 3 cannondales of varying production years throughout the nineties, and they all pretty well sucked. I guess you might say I made bad decisions, but in the end I don't blame the company at all because the industry was so confusing throughout that entire decade that it was hard for any or us to make a well-informed purchase. instead, I see cannondale as the company that blazed new trails in the industry as far as r&d and technology, and I know plenty of people who bought a later model cdale and were really happy with it. I broke one and terminally disfigured another, and since I weigh in at just over 180 lbs, I think a frame should be capable of more. the bottom line is that although we should all have a conscience about our homeland economy, if an American business is making poor decisions and making a relatively inferior product (debatable) then it is their own responsibility, and not that of the consumer. we are the jury, we are here to buy what we need and in that act we will without conscience be supporting those products which deliver quality, and therefore letting those which do not deliver suffer their fate in the darwinian evolution of the sport. one more thing, I grew up and rode my whole life in Connecticut within about 10 miles of cannondale's ground zero, and those bikes are and always will be a heritage up there. I do have a soft spot for the company, for it's representation of new England and of America, but I also gave them three good shots and they struck out. it is certainly a shame to see a legend in American bike (and motorcycle) technology pass away, but if American designers and engineers are the cream of the industry, they will rise to the top again... eventually.

And remember, you can voice your opinion on this and other topics over on the boards. Please feel free to blast off accordingly.

Hey look, Eminem is doing bike porn.

And, all is not lost in the world if things like this still happen.

Monday, January 27, 2003

nikita   I   chloe jones   I   nikki nova

In a completely unsubstantiated rumor I heard this morning, Arizona's own Dru and Kelly were engaged this past weekend in Las Vegas.

I haven't bothered to try and contact either one of them, and I have no idea if this is true or not. But, either way, I can embarrass them and make sure everyone on the planet knows their business. Just 'cause it's like that around here.

Well, congratulations to you both. Marriage is a wonderful institution. Just ask my wife. Oh, and Dru, next time tell your friends before you force my hand and it gets ugly. Like now, for example.

That much said, fuck it. It's another Monday. Sit around and feel shattered. At least that is what I do. I don't know about you…

You think you like tattoos. I know I like Sydney Moon. Oh yes I do.

My man David tells me this could be a possible cause of morning breath. Yeah, no shit. At least we hope so.

All together now, thank you Laura from Holland.

teen.xphotography.com/lindsey/04/
supersexys.com.ar/t01/bici5.html

I haven't had to much luck with the assotron when I plug one of my galleries in. But, it could be fun, see what you come up with.

In the Oh, sweet baby Jesus category of letters we have this next little gem.

From: Reg Subject: PBR for a buck Johnny, Been enjoying your site for awhile, finally found one twisted enough to be worthy time2masturbate.com/one3/hcore07.jpg , she used to only charge $.75 for this but kept dropping the quarters when the rough stuff started, the dollar's much easier to hold on to.

I like a woman with a fist full of cash. Especially when its my cash. Looks like a good time. Hoo ahh. Here is a fun little game for all of you.

From: M Subject: Cannondale woes… Johnny: I know alot of us out there on two wheels don't really think of dirtbikes or motorcycles much, some people may hate them even... But, could you please post this, just for American Industry's sake? Okay, alot of you probalby hate dirtbikes like I said, but there's some stuff you guys just don't know. On the bicycles we all ride, we have to realize how much of our technology comes from dirtbikes; suspension and disk brakes especially. All that technology comes from race-proven stuff handed down to production levels once they see how nice it works. Thats still not my point. In the world of motorcycles, The United States of America has no entries in any races at all. The Japanese and now the Austrians (KTM) have that market cornered. Harley Davidson used to race, but everyone of them broke down so much, that they hardley finished a race at all, let alone win. So now, they invented a form of racing where Harleys just race themselves, so they can feel good about themselves, called flat track. Anyway, why are we such a powerful, technologically advanced country without a competitive motorcycle to sell to ourselves? We buy Hondas, Yamahas, and Suzukis by the boatload but never try to compete with them. Enter Cannondale... They make a dirtbike that is so advanced I couldn't even explain it's intricacies to a layperson; fuel-injected, intake in the front, exhaust in the rear, oil in the frame, gasoline in the frame, so much more I can say, but why waste my breath? Nobody cares. We have just killed the best entry into the dirtbike market America has ever seen, all because they tried something new and put time and effort into research and development. They could have won us some victories internationally... In rallies like the Paris to Daker, or in european supercross. Who knows? Or maybe we could have just had a great product that was stamped "Made in the USA" to ride around on. Now, we have nothing. Thanks, my fellow Americans, I was saving up to buy a Cannondale.

Sunday, January 26, 2003

alexus king   I   veronica zemanova   I   lesbians rule

Mommy reach in your bag, pass the fifth, I'm a leader at last, it's a don your with...

Yee haa, Tampa Bay just lit up the Raiders. Straight beat them down. It was ugly. Just ugly.

Ever seen one of those 'help me out and I'll make ya rich' emails out of some African country you never heard of? The ones where some poor bastard needs your help to smuggle a bunch of loot out from under the watchful eyes of a murderous tyrant?

Oh, they are great fun. I got a new one today. Check it out.

From: GEORGE WALKER BUSH Subject: URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH 202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111 FAX: 202.456.2461 DEAR SIR / MADAM, I AM GEORGE WALKER BUSH, SON OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, AND CURRENTLY SERVING AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THIS LETTER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT MET NEITHER IN PERSON NOR BY CORRESPONDENCE. I CAME TO KNOW OF YOU IN MY SEARCH FOR A RELIABLE AND REPUTABLE PERSON TO HANDLE A VERY CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION, WHICH INVOLVES THE TRANSFER OF A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO AN ACCOUNT REQUIRING MAXIMUM CONFIDENCE. I AM WRITING YOU IN ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE PRIMARILY TO SEEK YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ACQUIRING OIL FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ. MY PARTNERS AND I SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING A TRANSACTION BEGUN BY MY FATHER, WHO HAS LONG BEEN ACTIVELY ENGAGED IN THE EXTRACTION OF PETROLEUM IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND BRAVELY SERVED HIS COUNTRY AS DIRECTOR OF THE UNITED STATES CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY (CIA). IN THE DECADE OF THE NINETEEN-EIGHTIES, MY FATHER, THEN VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SOUGHT TO WORK WITH THE GOOD OFFICES OF THE RESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ TO REGAIN LOST OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN. THIS UNSUCCESSFUL VENTURE WAS SOON FOLLOWED BY A FALLING-OUT WITH HIS IRAQI PARTNER, WHO SOUGHT TO ACQUIRE ADDITIONAL OIL REVENUE SOURCES IN THE NEIGHBORING EMIRATE OF KUWAIT, A WHOLLY-OWNED U.S.-BRITISH SUBSIDIARY. MY FATHER RE-SECURED THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF KUWAIT IN 1991 AT A COST OF SIXTY-ONE BILLION U.S. DOLLARS ($61,000,000,000). OUT OF THAT COST, THIRTY-SIX BILLION DOLLARS ($36,000,000,000) WERE SUPPLIED BY HIS PARTNERS IN THE KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA AND OTHER PERSIAN GULF MONARCHIES, AND SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS ($16,000,000,000) BY GERMAN AND JAPANESE PARTNERS. BUT MY FATHER'S FORMER IRAQI BUSINESS PARTNER REMAINED IN CONTROL OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ITS PETROLEUM RESERVES. MY FAMILY IS CALLING FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN FUNDING THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ AND ACQUIRING THE PETROLEUM ASSETS OF HIS COUNTRY, AS COMPENSATION FOR THE COSTS OF REMOVING HIM FROM POWER. UNFORTUNATELY, OUR PARTNERS FROM 1991 ARE NOT WILLING TO SHOULDER THE BURDEN OF THIS NEW VENTURE, WHICH IN ITS UPCOMING PHASE MAY COST THE SUM OF 100 BILLION TO 200 BILLION DOLLARS ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), BOTH IN THE INITIAL ACQUISITION AND IN LONG-TERM MANAGEMENT. WITHOUT THE FUNDS FROM OUR 1991 PARTNERS, WE WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ACQUIRE THE OIL REVENUE TRAPPED WITHIN IRAQ. THAT IS WHY MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES ARE URGENTLY SEEKING YOUR GRACIOUS ASSISTANCE. OUR DISTINGUISHED COLLEAGUES IN THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION INCLUDE THE SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, RICHARD CHENEY, WHO IS AN ORIGINAL PARTNER IN THE IRAQ VENTURE AND FORMER HEAD OF THE HALLIBURTON OIL COMPANY, AND CONDOLEEZA RICE, WHOSE PROFESSIONAL DEDICATION TO THE VENTURE WAS DEMONSTRATED IN THE NAMING OF A CHEVRON OIL TANKER AFTER HER. I WOULD BESEECH YOU TO TRANSFER A SUM EQUALING TEN TO TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT (10-25 %) OF YOUR YEARLY INCOME TO OUR ACCOUNT TO AID IN THIS IMPORTANT VENTURE. THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL FUNCTION AS OUR TRUSTED INTERMEDIARY. I PROPOSE THAT YOU MAKE THIS TRANSFER BEFORE THE FIFTEENTH (15TH) OF THE MONTH OF APRIL. I KNOW THAT A TRANSACTION OF THIS MAGNITUDE WOULD MAKE ANYONE APPREHENSIVE AND WORRIED. BUT I AM ASSURING YOU THAT ALL WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY. A BOLD STEP TAKEN SHALL NOT BE REGRETTED, I ASSURE YOU. PLEASE DO BE INFORMED THAT THIS BUSINESS TRANSACTION IS 100% LEGAL. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO CO-OPERATE IN THIS TRANSACTION, PLEASE CONTACT OUR INTERMEDIARY REPRESENTATIVES TO FURTHER DISCUSS THE MATTER. I PRAY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OUR PLIGHT. MY FAMILY AND OUR COLLEAGUES WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL. PLEASE REPLY IN STRICT CONFIDENCE TO THE CONTACT NUMBERS BELOW. SINCERELY WITH WARM REGARDS, GEORGE WALKER BUSH Switchboard: 202.456.1414 Comments: 202.456.1111 Fax: 202.456.2461 Email: president@whitehouse.gov

What can I say after that? I rode for 5 hours each of the last two days and I'm hammered. I'm done, good night.

Saturday, January 25, 2003

sky lopez   I   monique   I   lesbians rule

I was told on the Shootout this morning that today is Austin Kings birthday. Well, happy 22nd birthday, here is your present.

        
     
     

Now stop dropping me on all the group rides you son of a bitch.

Check out this tattoo. Here is the rest of the gallery. Yeah, she's a fucking dirty little one, isn't she?

And just for the Austin in all of you tonight, I'll go find some more porn links. I just give and give to you people.

You know what? I'm not done giving. If you don't already have, or have never heard of pornosaur do yourself a favor and get it now. Hit the link, download the program and blow the next seven hours watching free porno movies. You can thank me later.

I just heard that Sydney Moon was shaking her money maker as some local club for three days this last week. How the fuck I am I out of the loop?

I could just about cry. Well, think of it this way I guess. At least I didn't blow all my rent money of her shoving her tits in my face. 'Cause you damn well better believe that is exactly what would have happened.

I'm a bit shoot out from my five and a half hours in the saddle today. I just can't eat enough food. How many of you thought you'd ever hear me say that?

Not many, I'd guess.

The first issue of iheartbikes is out. I've seen the issue and liked it. I think it's going to be a good magazine. Check it out.

Also go check out the hellriders. These guys have got it all figured out.

Here is some cyclist porn I think I've already linked at some point. But, fuck it, I'll just link it again.

It is my great pleasure to announce that everyone's favorite Garden Gnome has his own website. He's calling it onespeeder.com.

Check out the email he sent me.

From: Onespeeder Subject: Look at this asshole Fuck you man, the game is ON now. You want to pimp my ass in a sprint? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. Now I'm into the wonderful world wide web with my own site and I'm going to only write about how I drop your ass everywhere. Yep. Your party is over.

Oh fuck you.

Go read this this one. And then go check out what the guys over at evil cycling are selling these days.

Oh boy, things do not look good for Cannondale.

Friday, January 24, 2003

krystal steal   I   yana cova   I   sylvia saint

Today was one of those days were you get back from riding and you sit and stare at the wall for a few hours trying to put the pieces back together. Hey I know the pieces fit.

I'll blame it all on Snake. He isn't here to defend himself, so it's fitting that I blame him. I was under the impression that today was to be an "easy" day. It is Friday, after all, the end of the week and a good day to ride very slowly. Or, at least not for very long.

Yeah right.

I'm having my third cup of coffee out on the porch with my neighbor, it's about 8:45. I slept in a whole hour till 7:30 and am enjoying myself doing about nothing. Snake rolls his bike out, he's kitted up with two bottles, and he says, "You got five minutes"

Um, what? I thought we were taking it easy? What's the rush? Oh, two hours? I can do two hours. You're doing hill repeats? Ok, I can kinda wuss those and just soft pedal for two hours. No problem. Probably make me feel pretty damn good, actually.

I had one of those "special" days on Thursday. I did some hill repeats and short efforts, and had felt great. You know the fitness is coming when you can just fucking pound it, back off, and do it again on the next attack. I was feeling a little to good about myself as it turns out.

We roll down and meet up with Big Tex and the Wolf. Hmmm, I didn't know we were even meeting anyone. Tex tells me, "I figured we'd be waiting on you."

Oh fuck off.

The next thing I know I'm two and a half hours out with no breakfast, going way to fucking hard with these god damn knuckle heads. I implode totally.

I had ridden over Gates Pass a few weeks back four hours into a Tuesday ride and blew pretty good. I saw 4.5 on my computer and remembered thinking, I don't think I've ever gone so slow.

Well, today was a whole new level of I suck.

I swear to God I considered walking.

I saw 2.8 miles per hour on my computer and thought, how am I still even upright? My God, I'm not going to make it, oh sweet Jesus.

And, nothing beats coming over the top and having both legs cramp up like a mother fucker immediately. Oh fuck, did that ever hurt. I had to keep the legs rolling around or I thought I might just fall over and die.

When Snake, Big Tex and the Wolf turned right for some hill action down the road a bit, I said adios and crawled into town. When I came by Wolfs house I saw the door open and rolled on it.

I went into the kitchen and straight jacked Tex for the last of his poweraid mix and one of his two bananas. Fuck him. He just about killed me. I'm taking his food.

If I don't, I might not even make it home. Fuck this shit.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

veronica zemonova   I   teanna kai   I   lesbians rule

I think this story is totally fucked up. Can you say, separation of church and state? I'll bet you can.

The other day I loaned my pump to some dude on a group ride. He said he liked the site, I thought that was pretty cool. I probably would have loaned him the pump anyway, but it was a nice touch I thought.

He's some billy fucking badass who's raced in Belgium for something like five years. Can you imagine how fucking hard of a man that would make a person?

Fuck, I will never be able to hand a guy like that his raincoat out of the team car. But, I can loan him a bike pump. Oh yes I can.

This email got passed on to me by some of the fine folks at Absolute Bikes in Sedona. It's an all to common story of trail usage conflict. Give it a read.

From: Lyle Wright Subject: we need your help January 19, 2003 Dear fellow cyclist, Our names are Lyle and Susan Wright. We are members of the Lake Oroville Bicyclist Organization. Cyclist at Lake Oroville California need your help. Last year, in recognition of the true nature of cycling, the California Department of Parks and Recreation made the decision to allow bicycle use on trails at the Lake Oroville State Recreation Area. Unfortunately, we have a group of equestrians here who refuse to accept the idea of sharing trails with bicyclist. As the State Recreation Area at Lake Oroville is operated in co-operation with the California Department of Water Resources, it comes under the jurisdiction of the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission. Some local equestrians, in an effort to ban bicycles from the trails, have asked FERC to intercede on their behalf. FERC has agreed that the process used to open the trails needs to be revised. There will be a meeting to receive public input on the proposal to manage trails as shared use. This meeting is scheduled for : February 10, 2003 6:00 p.m.- 9:00 p.m. The State Theater 1489 Myers Street Oroville, California written comments can be submitted no later than March 3, 2003, by mail or facsimile transmittal to: Eva Begley, Ph.D. Dept. of Water Resources 1416 Ninth Street, Room 620 P.O. Box 942836 Sacramento, Ca. 94236-0001 FAX: (916) 653-8250 Please attend this meeting, or send written comments in support of shared use trails, we really do need your help. thank you Sincerely, Lyle and Susan Wright

Well, there you have it. If you are up to writing a coherent letter, you may be helping your fellow cyclists in a time of need. It's just the right thing to do.

How much does shaq fucking suck?

I'd say he sucks a lot. Fuck the lakers.

I've gotten a lot of email about this link I posted a few weeks back, about a guy named Reza who decided to ride his bike around the world. And that's just what he's been doing for the last couple of years.

Fucking guy rode 46,000 miles and when he comes to Arizona what happens? He gets thrown in jail 'cause he's "middle eastern".

Isn't that just fucking kick ass.

From: Rare Subject: life in hell Fuck, Last night I was too lazy to go to the store. 1 beer is just enough to whet the whistle and really piss off this cowboy. So I took a look around the house. Nope, nope nope, I could have sworn I hid a bottle of Good Gin (fucking delusional) around here some place. Medicine cabinet gets the once over, nope, the only two suspects are just a bottle of rubbing alcohol and Nyquil smiling at me. Fuck! No wait, whats this, a dusty, nasty assed, King size (2 liter) bottle of chap cooking sake that's not fit to cook with?? So, I pour some over ice, and sit down at my computer to steal music from unsuspecting record labels. I absent mindedly took a sip, Jeeeze that's fucking bad, I sputter, so I have two more big glasses on ice. Unable to bare the chilled version, I heat some up in a cup inside pan of hot water on the stove. Fuck, it's even worse. Finally I just pinched my nose and tipped this monster of a bottle back and stopped listening to my wussy. Ahhhhhh, that's the stuff. Now I feel like a million bucks and my head is spinning in direct opposite proportion to counteract the spinning of my wheels creating a gyroscopic effect that keeps the rubber side down. 17% by volume it says in English.. Today I feel like doing it again. I wasn't able to make the Mazatlan run with Pistol Pete. As soon as I booked the tickets, my customers caught wind that I was leaving and formed a small posse complete with pitchforks and torches in front of my office. I laid down some suppression fire with my 12 gauge to hopefully bring them to their senses. That action only enraged them, then a cheer went up as a truck pulled up with a siege engine on the trailer that it was pulling. Fuck I gotta do something fast I thought. So I got on the horn and informed them that I wasn't taking off and that business would resume as normal. After an hour or two the crowd broke up out of boredom for lack of bloodshed. So here I am chained to my desk once again.

He he, whoa charlie, you are fucking killing me today man. Fuck. I've managed to stay away from the shit sake for this much of my life probably on luck alone. But I have had some really, really bad mescal a couple of times. That shit will just about fucking kill you.

How cool is pork?

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

vivian   I   sydney moon   I   adrianna sage

Kim Jong is a bad mother fucker.

When I got dropped on the Wednesday ride, like I always do at Pistol Hill, I was like a boulder in a stream the way the riders rolled by me on either side. It fucking sucked. But at least I lasted longer than the Gnome. About three minutes longer, but longer none the less.

Then me and the Gnome teamed up and chased like hell all the way through Vail and into that damn wind for miles. We were gettin ours somehow, that's for damn sure. I think we beat up on a few guy old enough be be our fathers, and it felt great.

After regrouping at the wonderful gas station oasis and buying the gnome a coke, I dropped his ass on Helmet Peak. Yeah right, he got dropped, then I got dropped just like before. Then we went 12 miles an hour for awhile.

He got me at the first city limit sprint on the way back into town as I didn't even understand what the fuck was going on at the time. A little to deep in the pain cave to deal with the whole concept of sprinting. But, I pimped his ass at the second one.

This is a big thing as I've never, and I mean never ever beat the Gnome in any sprint anywhere.

Now I'm celebrating with an ice cold Sam Adams Light.

I rule.

And how fucking sick are these guys? I can't believe my eyes.

If you like playing poker, you might like this. I still can't play poker without just thinking about the way Snake fucking hammered me for all my loot two Thanksgivings ago. I haven't touched the cards since. Fucking Snake, fuck him.

I have no idea what the fuck is going on with G.I. Enviro Joe. I guess he's just giving it hell.

I dropped off my entry form for the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo race today. That is going to be one hell of a fun race. Go check it out over at epic rides.

Be there or be square.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

zdenka padkapova   I   cheyenne silver   I   veronica zemanova

Janet clued me in to some pics from the Pemberton's Revenge race on Saturday. Here is one of the Gnome getting ready to pounce. The big pig himself, Jimbo in his Roman Victory Parade Leather Fuck Vest. A sight that is not to be missed. Spanky is giving it hell in this pic.

And then, this would be me, freewheeling to a strong twenty first place.

Oh hell, I dropped the fucking soap.

And I hear they're letting women in augusta now. It's about time, that good old boy shit sucks. This is the kind of palm pilot I could use around the house.

I've heard of businesses being in a bad part of town, but for fucks sake, this takes the cake. This pic is from the alley behind Kona Canada.

That shit is the real deal. Fucking scary, eh?

From: stef Subject: Fw: red ecm Dearest Redneck Son I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out. Your sister had the baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

I read this and laughed.

I went out and rode some of the 50 year trail today with my man Kevin. Good times out there in the desert.

We hit some 50 year loop, something called deer camp, throw in a fair bit of wandering around and you've got yourself a day to be proud of. Best riding I've done here in the Old Pueblo I'd say.

I'll be back out there again.

Monday, January 20, 2003

erica campbell   I   jenna jameson   I   lesbians rule

This may be the single most fucked thing I've read this month. And it's been one hell of a fucked month. Click the link and take a look for yourself.

And this is my kind of protest. Take notice, nudity is key.

From: Kimberly Subject: freak I do believe that you are one of the biggest freaks that I have yet to meet on ragbrai. Or maybe I have met you but don't remember?? Try the ride out next year even better fun than the actual ride Velma Team Mystery Machine

Hell, maybe I met you but don't remember. It's a hell of a week, that Ragbrai. I'll be there again this summer, some how, some way.

Doesn't big oil suck? I mean, what the fuck are we getting ourselves into here?

Here is some information on the upcoming Usery pass road race. Two words: Pain Cave.

Usery PassTime Trail 2/1/03
Usery Pass Road Race 2/2/03

I like bike lanes. You like bike lanes. We all like bike lanes. Lets hope they get this one together.

From: Anne Subject: Frodo has failed Your website is hilarious. Fucking hilarious. The letter from Zeke (You ride anyway) I'm going to etch on my top tube. it says it all. do you keep track of demographics - who is checking out your site? here are my stats (i'd like to think I'm NOT typical....) age 39 white female in chicago. I invented mountain biking in 1972 when i took my scwhinn stingray down the steps at our church. soon to be married, but we'll never fucking get a tandem because we both have our own ways to go! here's something you might want to post: frodo had failed

I don't know much about everyones age, sex and location. In fact, I have no idea at all. I just hope there is a whole lotta women like you out there, if you know what I'm saying.

I'm glad to hear you invented mountain biking. You should ring up Gary Fisher and tell him you own the crown. Maybe they'll put you in the hall of fame.

These guys got one of the best domain names ever, shut up and ride. Kinda has a nice ring to it, doncha think?

The love notes are already rolling in from this weekends clobbering.

From: john Subject: you suck you are such a pussy. you got passed on a downhill?! lay off the brakes and let that fat ass pay for itself!! i may not be first at the top, but goddamit i will not let some skinny faggot pass me pointing down!! at least you got to race. our first is march2, non-norba, new trail. let the beatings commence!

Ah, jeez. I need another beer.

Tim the Mighty sent in a link to the tao of singlespeeding. Right on man, right on.

June Bug up in scenic, frozen Moscow, Idaho told me this one.

What's better than a girl with a set of long legs wrapped around you?

a girl with short legs trying...

Sunday, January 19, 2003

sylvia saint   I   damn   I   anna belle

I got dissed by an old guy today.

I'm riding back from Mt. Lemon, after my glorious assault on that fucking whore of a climb. Oh, I do light it up. I'm on a road called Pima, at a intersection, I don't remember the cross street. The light turns green, start pedaling, and it happens.

There is a voice behind me, "Why don't you ride in the lane?"

"What?", I half turn around, still rolling through the light, expecting it to be a car passing me on the left with some shithead remark coming in any second.

It's a guy behind me on a bike. He's just standing there and he starts in with, "Why don't are you riding one the line, get over in the lane!"

He's actually fucking yelling at me.

Do I tell him, fuck you, I just passed you a half mile back and you were huffing and puffing taking up the whole bike lane. I had to ride out into the middle of the road to get around you. And I didn't even harsh you then, I didn't cut you off. I waved and said, "Good morning."

You didn't even respond to my greeting you son of a bitch, so you're already one up on me in the rude category today.

No, I don't tell him that.

Do I tell him, fuck you, I just got my ass handed to me yesterday in the first race of the season, I'm tired, I just climbed the first ten miles of Mt. Lemon and I'm not in the fucking mood. I'm riding way out on the left side of the bike lane because not all of Pima is nice and clean. It's got glass, thorns, gravel and the occasional storm grate, so yeah, I'm riding around that shit.

And, that bastard Snake pointed out my rear system wheel has a big slice in tire last night, so I had to either fix it or ride a different wheel. I'm lazy, so I'm riding regular wheels that can flat at anytime. I don't really want to get a flat, I just want to go home and watch football.

Do I tell him that? No.

Do I tell him, hey, fuck you grandpa, now I'm gonna go find your granddaughter, fill her up with ripple and roofies, shove my dick up her ass, take pictures while I beat her in the back of the head with a tubesock full of oranges, and post them on iassbangedyourgranddaughter.com folks to download for $4.95 a day or $28.95 a month. I'll make money on your shame.

Did I tell him that? No. I told him, "Why the fuck do you care?"

Not much of a comeback, I know, but it's what I came up with at the time.

Fuck it, I'm watching football. Go Eagles.

Saturday, January 18, 2003

aria giovanni   I   devon   I   jenna jameson

I passed out from post race and post road trip exhaustion last night and didn't remember to put up this little doo-wah diddy. Oh well, its a day late and a dollar short just like the rest of my life. Go read the Todd Wells webpage. Fucking millionaire cyclists kill me.

Race one in the books. The Gnome took first. Me, I took twenty first.

Someone's got to bring up the ass end of the pack, it might as well be me. But, I'm jumping ahead. You know it wasn't that easy.

Left Tucson Friday, at around 3:30 in the afternoon. Which is right in with our usual slap-dick style as we were planning on leaving at 1:00. Perfect.

Making pretty good time, went up through Florence thinking we'd beat the rush hour traffic in Phoenix. Rush hour up there is not to be underestimated. It will kill you.

Anyway, we're blazing right along, and I'm just about to tell Gnome that, man, his truck rides great at 85 miles and hour. I thought we were going much slower. My own car, the blue bomber, doesn't much like the eighties, mid, low or high. My cars more like of a 78 kind of car. Unless, of course, you're really bored and feel like shaking all over the place and changing lanes without warning.

If you want some excitement, like full on, what the fuck is wrong with this car, oh my god we're going to die in this deathtrap excitement, try driving my car at 85 sometime. It'll take ten years off your life.

Just as I'm thinking, man, this truck is smooth like butter we blast through a speedtrap. And just as we're thinking, I wonder what the speed limit is here in Florence Junction, we see a sign that reads 65.

Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Go directly to jail.

We're fucked. Smokey rolls up on us, tails us for a couple of miles, fires up the blueberries on top of his bacon wagon and pulls us over. Game, set, match. 84 in a 65.

The Gnome, he is not stoked. In fact, he's pissed. Real pissed.

We make it to Fountain Hills and wheel it on into a shopping center. Gnome goes in for a twelve pack. I waltz on over to Burger King and see what I can eat for a couple of bucks. Carbo load? That's what the beer is for.

After we leave, Gnome tells me he was looking for a hacksaw to cut his bike into little pieces. I don't tell him how scared I am. Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for a lot of people.

An angry Garden Gnome is a scary thing in a bike race. I think he'd ride straight through a wall when he's like this, just to fuck over all the poor bastards on his wheel.

OK, on to the race course. It's dark, and we're just wandering around sippin beers. Where the fuck are we supposed to camp?

Turns out there was a midnight hike out on the some of the same trails the race will be on as it is a full moon and very, very cool out there. There must be a hundred cars out here, no parking anywhere. We find a spot, pull in, start throwing things out of the back of the truck. Beer is good.

We find the really cool people who come out to make these races happen. Gnome gives them money. They don't charge a late fee. We give them beer. Just as we're feeling, maybe the world isn't really against us, some dude rolls up on us and tells us we're in the team/staff parking/camping area and we cannot stay/be here.

Fuck.

Shit back in car, drive around more. Get pissed, pull over between tank suvs some moonlight hikers parked in the dirt, get out the lawn chairs, hide behind a bush and drink more beer. I'm telling Gnome, fuck it man, we're like 200 yards from the start, and with all these cars here, I'll just sleep right here in the ground.

Mr. Park Ranger rolls up and has some different ideas. He suggests we camp in a designated area. I just want it all to go away. We drive around more.

Finally, we're in a parking lot about a mile from the start. Apparently, I can sleep in a parking lot, but not in a ditch. I think it's a matter of how much you drink personally, but that's just me.

We're not even through our next beers when another park ranger rolls up. Now I have to pay another 5 dollars 'camp fee' on top of the 5 dollars I paid at the gate to 'park'.

Nice little racket they've got going on here. Gnome says, "I wonder how long it'll be before someone else comes by to extort money from us?"

Oh, tomorrow is going to hurt.

We get up and pretty much have a normal morning between two losers eating eggs and turkey bacon sandwiches in a parking lot next to a behemoth motorhome and his fifth wheel offspring. Joy. I can't even see the sunrise because of the frigging size of our new neighbors.

Whatever.

Get dressed, stand in line, write checks, sign wavers, change into cycling clothes and get in line again. Gnome is fired up in his quite little way. Some people see it as calm. I know better. Still waters run deep and that guy is about to open up a can of whoop ass on all of us.

We're off, twitchy through the first couple of turns. Turns best ridden single file instead of two abreast. But, fuck you this is my line, buddy, weeeee, we are flying.

The group is quickly sorted out between those at the front with the fitness of the Gods, and very big gears. The second tier, as it were, is made up of pretenders, drunks, guys and girls riding two-one and little old me.

I'm totally in the red, spinning my brains out before we hit the first hill. I catch a glimpse of Gnome, hands on the tops, so to speak, together, near the stem, turning his huge gear comfortably. He's got a 36-16. I've got 36-18. It's bye bye jonny time.

When we reach the first hill, I thank God, sweet baby Jesus and all the rest of them for saving me. Now at least, we can slow down and pedal like normal people. I'm going as best I can, which really ain't that bad.

At the end of the first long drag, which might be five miles long for all I know, seemed to take forever, we start the rollers. I'm taxed. Big time. I have to back off a bit, or I'm going to blow. I haven't ridden this hard yet this year. I forgot what my lungs tasted like. They taste like blood.

On the long ass downhill, I get passed by Dru. Son of a bitch, where'd you come from? I can't keep up with him. It's a pedaling downhill and I just can't pedal any faster.

Through the start finish and start the second climb. I'm going for it. I catch a couple of the guys that passed me. Hello Dru, ahem, on your left. I get all of them except one mutant that I can't even see anymore. I'm going really hard. I'm kinda stoked, actually, that I was able to push it that hard, for that long. Not bad for January,

Back on the downhill and Dru comes by me again. Fuck. I caught that fucker and now he's riding away from me again. Must kill friends, must kill friends. Come back here and take whats comin' to you, boy. Damnit.

And we're done, pretty much just like that. The results aren't up online anywhere yet, and they may change. But, as of today, Gnome won, Spanky got 19th, Dru 20th and fat boy got 21st.

Friday, January 17, 2003

sydney moon   I   alexus king   I   lesbians rule

One more day till the dreaded First Race Of The Season. Like Big Tex likes to say, it's nice to get that first one under your belt

Tim the Mighty sends in this link and adds, it's hackable. Just change the gal200.htm to gal100.htm for more fun, wholesome, all American porn. Yeah, we're that bored.

And, as promised, the Pistol Pete update.

From: Pistol Pete Subject: Mexico update I am an asshole. And now a fugitive from Mexican justice. It all started easily enough. A fuckin´ beautiful mornin´ ride followed by a nice swim in a tropical ocean. Then the Forces of Darkness rear their ugly heads in the form of this old coot I rode a while with yesterday. I was ridin´ by one of my favorite Mazatlan palapa beach bars and hear a "Hey Pistol Pete!". I was doomed from that point on. The ol´duffer wants a drinkin´ buddy. I sit down and after a while try to get up to pay my tab. The old fuck says "You got no tab here, I´m buyin´. And where you goin´ anyway? Yer wussy hurt?" I sit back down. Doomed. We squander the rest of the afternoon and finally my Tormentor/Benefactor is satisfied. It´s time for me to head back to my cheap hotel and take a siesta. I´m ridin´along the boardwalk pretty slow and mostly under control when the Spawn of Satan in the form of a little rich bitch Mexican chick is blockin´ my path. I slow further and finally stop. She´s lookin´right at me with that spoiled brat look some women effect. Finally she moves out of my route and I'm on my way. Feet on pedals weight on cranks for a good acceleration. She steps back in my way. Evil smile on her lips. What am I supposed to do? Its hit her or fall into the bus traffic on the Malecón road. Natural reaction takes over. I lean into her and she goes flying. I never look back, but hear quite a ruckus goin´ with her rich fuck family hollerin´. I´m like 5km from my hotel and now my bike has wings. It wouldn´t do to try to explain to the cops what really happened. They were pretty well dressed and I´m on a beach/bike vacation. Plus the fact I´m normally a dirtbag anyway. Now I´ve gotta hide out till tomorrow when I´ll go hide for the rest of the week in the jungle. Fortunately I know Mazatlan pretty well. North of town is a good stretch of undeveloped country I can wait it out in till the coast is clear. If you guys don´t hear from me in the next two weeks have a few beers and remember, hasta el ultimo cartucho

Some guys just know how to live. He's living free for all of us that can't anymore. Sure, he's living in the jungle, buying beer and fish on the sly, keepin his whole act on the down low, but can you blame him?

Best of luck to you, Pistol Pete. We're all pullin' for ya. Give 'em hell.

Ladies and Gentleman, this guy just won himself a cd rom of bike hotties by sending me these fine pics.

     

You can do the same, check out my little contest. I'd like to thanks the ladies and the crayola marker that made this moment possible. You guys are the best.

And I guess this is the downside of a shaved pussy. Click here and here.

I think maybe this is my kind of woman, Miss Drunk of Bangcock, sorry Bangkok. My bad. I don't know what I was thinking.

The fella who send me that badass Dutch porn link two days ago (click) is a bike messenger in Amsterdam. He's all fired up about going to the cycle messenger world championships this year in Seattle. I think him and a few of his friends are going to ride from San Diego to the race.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

Thursday, January 16, 2003

nikki nova   I   lesbians rule   I   for fucks sake

There were a couple of broken links in yesterdays post. I think I've fixed them all, so click away my brothers and sisters. I'm so confident in my ability to properly link things today, I'll give ya this little gem just to start off with.

Go take the boob test. I got an 18 out of 20, so I'm a fucking pro and I win the World Cup. I know you'll do well, here is your prize.

How fucking wacko is this story?

How fucking wacko is this letter?

From: Ida Slapter Subject: Get realer Dammit Jon, You gotta represent those of us who love the American way of life. So what if we are being bullies to the rest of the people on Earth. Have you ever traveled abroad, doncha think those greasy spics, niggers, sand niggers french fried frogs, or even the goddamn limies would step all over our nutz if they had a chance? Hell yeah they would, and they wouldn't be half as nice as we been to them. You see, the big plan is to let THEM use up THEIR resources 1st. That's right, we'll burn alla THEIR oil, use up alla THEIR child labor, let them fuck up THEIR environments producing cheap consumer goods trying to play catch up with the images that they see on pumping from the good ol USA onto THEIR tv's. Then when they have totally fucked themselves and have nothing left but inferior quality military crap that they traded their souls for, they will be that more under our thumb than Satan could have sold them into. Sooooo, we shouldn't feel bad driving our 8mpg Canyonaro rolling behemoths, eating steak every night of the week smoking second rate cigars just to fuck over the Cubans, sucking down char-bucks from rain forest cups, riding $300 slave labor ti frames from mainland china ( i got the hookup). Cause we can still own guns, our corrupt Gum'ment aint as crupt as most (they will still give ya free beenz and cheese if ya need em) and we got THE BEST SPORTS TEAMS, prime time pussy and more bonafide bike trails than any country on Earth. I think that SOME people are mistaking your bitching about the US system and policies as you being a heretic rather than being a red blooded AMERICAN guy that wants to see the ongoing process of American improvement kick it into high gear cause you have high expectations of us all. Now quit bitching about how boring posting porn links are and post some more porn linx. I need my fix baby......

I represent those of us who love the American way of life by shooting guns and eating pussy. In that order. Usually. Sometimes I switch it up. Keeps it fresh.

Your wish is my command.

I've gotten a nice link to a Maynard Hershon interview. It's a good read, and I would recommend it.

Speaking of good reads, I suggest all you liberal schmucks like me read the following articles. One is about football, so it ain't all bad.

timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,482-543296,00.html
msnbc.com/news/813860.asp?0cv=CB20
nytimes.com/2003/01/16/sports/football/16STAD.html
nytimes.com/2003/01/16/politics/16ECON.html

The first single speed race in our state series is this Saturday. The Gnome and I will be driving up and giving it hell. Maybe Gnomie will give it a little more hell than I do. He's fucking flying right now. Me? I chug cock, that's what I do.

I am so going to die.

This is pretty fucked up, I give you twinkie killa.

Tomorrow I'll have some more tales from Pistol Pete south of the border. Oh yeah, he's running shit.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

carmen luvana   I   alex arden   I   erica campbell

Stare at this awhile. It's a guess, but probably a pretty good guess of how long the whore oil will keep coming down the pipe on the cheap made my someone a lot smarter than me.

I just find shit like this to stare at.

Hoo ahh. I posted a story yestersay about riding to work, day in day out, on a bike. I didn't know who wrote it, but I do now.

From: O'Grady Subject: The bit from Zeke M'brother, As I sit here with a fat glass of cognac, rehydrating after a 45-minute run in the wintry dark, it comes to me like a blackjack in the back of the neck from a Homeland Security operative intent on dragging me off to a wire cage in Gitmo for the vile slanders I have written regarding Texas and at least two of its ex-governors: The uncredited "You ride anyway" bit is from one of your fellow Arizonans, Maynard Hershon, who has been writing about the ups and downs and ins and outs of cycling a good deal longer than you or I or Zeke. All praise to his name, may his writing arm grow ever longer.

Go read this rant of O'Gradys over at Velonews. Oh yes, it's good.

Brian sent in this link. He told me to pic on someone my own size. Hey, wait a minute…

I like the various posters on the site. Funny stuff. I especially enjoyed this one. If that woman is in any danger of getting raped, I don't know what the world is coming to. I figure most guys would demand cash up front on that deal.

Well, now that we're all feeling fine, how 'bout a little joke?

A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

I was wondering if John Ashcroft is Hitler? Maybe it just a big misunderstanding on my part, I dunno. And don't even get me started on Bush.

I can't read Dutch, or whatever this is written in. But, I understand hot naked chicks. Oh yes I do.

From: dikken Subject: enjoy picturetrade.host.sk/c/sets.htm Nieuw op www.clubs.nl, de grootste community van Nederland: als een VIP cluppen. Met vele opties gratis voor Het Net abonnees!

I'm pretty sure the bottom of that emails says something like, "Do you Yahoo!? Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now". I just thought I'd share.

Hell of a link too. Hell of a link.

Now, this link is just fucked up. Straight fruit salad fucked up. Don't say I didn't warn you. Click here for dolphin sex.

I'm going to kill myself after reading that shit about fucking a god damned dolphin. Jesus Christ, how fucked in the head do you have to be to jerk off a fucking dolphin? I need a drink.

Check this out. Porn is fun. Yes it is.

Lets have some more, shall we?

Ah hell, one more letter then I'm out.

From: Pistol Pete Subject: Freedom to fuck! So, Lance Armstrong is from Texas? Figures. Weasel suited fagboy. I'm now an official Ex-Patriot. I couldn't stand all the bitchin' an' moanin'. I got on my bike yesterday, rode to the border and boarded a bus. Today I'm in Mazatlan. This is a bike town. I'm gonna ride all the rest of the daylight. After that I'll drink beer (Pacificos-10 pesos) and find a willing brown tittied girl to make me forget. Forget what? Shit I already forgot. I'm sweatin' just thinkin' about it. So, to all you poor fucks up there in the Frozen Gulag North-A Cordial Fuck You! I'll see ya when it gets warm-

Ten pesos? Shit, I think I've got a couple of hundred thousand in pesos. I'm a fucking Rockerfella down south. I gotta get down there.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

cheyenne   I   jenna jameson   I   helena hemanova

I've gotten a ton of email from all kinds of folks out there these last few days. Most of it is about either my politics or Texas, or both. Anyway, I've read most of them and am trying to reply to all.

Of course, I can't really post them all, but, I can direct you to the message forum. A little thing I like to call velocidad solomente. Post anything and everything you'd like.

Check out this list of chickenhawks. Hank sent me some nice quotes from Shrub. I just can't help myself.

" I understand that the unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region."
-Washington,D.C March 13,2002 (Bush speaking)

" I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody."
-Washington,D.C. January 18,2001 (Bush speaking)

Erik sent me this link to gils kissing. I'm not sure if I already linked it or not, so I'll just run it again. It rules, by the way.

A guy named Alex has an interview with modern drunkard up at his site. Doesn't this sound fun?

Larry says, "Share this one with the rest, haters or not, free porn is good."

OK, I will. Check out stickyhole for more porn pics than you will know what to do with.

I'm not sure who wrote this, and I know I've seen it somewhere before. I figure fuck it, so maybe I've already posted it. I'm way to bonked to know the difference. Yes, I got my ass mulched up good today. I give you the story of a man who is harder than me. Way harder.

From: zeke Subject: Fwd: for us freaks Just thought you might find this interesting. keep'n the rubber side down Your neighbors are moving further from their jobs. They commute further, one neighbor per vehicle, in larger and larger vehicles: trucks or SUVs. They used to drive VWs or Civics. Now they buy vehicles as if each time they drive they're moving their homes, not merely their bodies. Because the freeways are parking lots mornings and evenings, your neighbors instead choose scenic, secondary roads you've ridden on your bike for years. They drive as fast as they would on the freeway - if the freeway were empty. The freeway hasn't been empty since 1971. They hate you for being there on their roads, slowing their commute or trip to the mall. They act as if all traffic hassle is some cyclist's fault, as if out on the freeways, where there are no cyclists, all is well, love is in the air. You ride anyway. Your neighbors' land-yachts sprawl across narrow lanes. They crowd you on your bicycle, scaring you. Your neighbors sip drive-thru lattes and chat on their cell-phones, not scared at all. They pause in school zones, mom or dad dropping off Justin and Heather. You pedal down School Street, a corridor of fear vibrating with the rattle of huge diesel engines. Mom and dad almost never see you, as if you did not exist. When they do see you, they look straight through you - as if you didn't exist. They wish you didn't. You're just a nuisance, pedaling uselessly through the school zone. You navigate around sudden U-turns and unpredictable moves. Any crazy thing could happen. You are beyond fearful. You're a submarine captain listening for the depth charge that penetrates the hull, lets black freezing water roar in. You ride anyway. On your ride, young guys in baseball hats, one cheek bulging smokelessly, practice "sharing the road" with cyclists. They share the road 90/10. The cyclist gets 10%; The young guy's rusty Ford four-b'-four gets the rest. If the young guy is lucky enough to have a girl sitting close to him in that old Ford, the split goes to 95/05. You can hear the Dixie Chicks as the truck skims by. You hate the Dixie Chicks. You ride anyway. When it rains, bits of glass from car crashes and nails spilled from truck-beds cut the wet rubber of your tires. Thorns you could have rolled over harmlessly in July now find their way into your tubes. The air gets out. You have six times as many flats as summertime. You fix them in silence on the flooding roadside in the rain. Your hands take a beating from the work and the cold. My hands are always dirty, you think. And wrinkled. You ride anyway. When you get to work, you change out of your soaked cycling clothes and spread newspapers under your dripping bike. You hang pieces of dripping clothing off your saddle, top tube and bars. You stuff your shoes with newspaper as if you really believed they'd dry by quitting time. They never have. People at work do not mention your commuting by bike. They know that if they even start to discuss it with you, they'll blurt out how crazy they think you are. You ride in the RAIN and the DARK, they'd say; Why do you do that? You can see all that in their eyes, so you continue, quietly hanging your soggy tights from your bars. They stare at you, astonished. No one speaks. You ride anyway. In winter it takes you nearly as long to dress and undress for your ride as the ride takes. You feel like the Michel-in man. You own 22 pairs of gloves but you're still searching for the perfect pair. Not to mention booties. You're obsessive about rainy-weather chain lubrication. You know you are. No one else on the planet cares about it at all, and you're obsessed. You fool yourself that you have your little problem under control. You don't. It hasn't impacted your work life or relationship, but it could... You sense an intervention lies ahead. Tough love for the chain-lube freak. You ride anyway. You've spent four grand on high-tech bicycle lights. You're considering buying yet another system based on a glowing magazine test. You know that some people, on learning of your somewhat excessive lightbuying behavior, would conclude that you're a genuinely sick person. They would be correct. You ride anyway. You get a cold a year. It's not a terrible cold, no worse than three years as a prisoner of war in Viet Nam or manning an oar in a Roman slave galley. Your cold typically lasts eight or nine days, during which time you forget why you ever thought life was worth living. You ride anyway. You take your ex-girlfriend to the airport in her car. She's flying to Italy. She'll be gone a month. She promises to buy you a jersey in a cool bike shop in Florence. She leaves you her wine-colored Mazda Miata, the Special Edition with tan leather and tan top. CD player. It's gorgeous. Enjoy it, she says. She fills the tank for you, to thank you for dropping her off at UAL Departures and picking her up next month. Sweet woman. Nice car. Rains all week. You ride anyway. You sit at a light next to a dark-eyed woman in a print dress in an old Ford station wagon. The light changes. She gasses it, turns right, cuts you off brutally. You yell something not quite coherent at her. She shakes her fist at you: It's YOUR fault! You see her three days later, same light. She honks. You look into the old Ford wagon. She's made a little cyclist doll. It's wearing a tiny yellow Giro helmet like yours and, ohmigawd, a club jersey just like yours! She pushes a hat-pin through the doll and smiles at you. The light goes green. You ride anyway.

Yeah baby, yeah. I like the sound of that.

Kinda has a familiar ring to it, know what I mean? Even though I don't have a job. Why am I talking about this?

From: robertsdrunk Subject: who the hell do you think you are? "Now that I have all your attention...." You fucker. I logged on today in hopes of obtaining a raging boner and some comedic material and what do I get instead? The fucking Political Times according to some fucker that doesn't even have a God Damned job. "While I'm rolling..." Eat shit you amateur commentary hour wannabe. Go get a job, or some new jokes, or better yet - a beer. Chill on all the fuckin' budget-amendment-foreign policy-china-saddam-osama shit. What about tips on maintaning control of your bike while maintaining your buzz? Sure, the motordemons get in the way sometimes. GET IN THE WAY, Not GET IN MY HEAD!!!! Let it pass, they'll get theirs. Go smash a mailbox in some nice neighborhood if it'd make ya feel better, fella. Do SOMETHING with the forty hours a week your NOT working. Fuck, yelling at you makes me tired and, oh yes, MIGHTY thirsty. I love the game. It's all the players that piss me off. love, Cap'n

OK, just for you, you fucking jail bird. To improve "riding home drunk" skills, practice running into trash cans and violently throwing yourself on the ground when sober. Make sure to get it all worked out in your head, so when you do blast straight into a trash can next time you ride home from your friendly neighborhood tavern blind drunk, it just comes as second nature.

Also, being able to tuck it up and roll through an intersection as full speed and full tilt always impresses the ladies. Why, when I wrecked for absolutely no reason on new years eve, my wife was so happy. She told me to "get up you stupid drunk asshole".

Who wouldn't want to hear that from their sweety at 2:00 am?

But, why am I telling you all of this, Cap'n Robersdrunk? The last time you went out drinking, you woke up in prison.

From: When Subject: Something different What's happening? Lets rant on the SS issue. Two years ago three buds and I entered a 24hr race here in the Midwest. We love singlespeeds and there was no SS division for us to compete in. Well, we still rode our one gears in the 35-45 division and came in 1st. Overall we came in 9th. Pretty damn good if I do say. Well, your 24hr race is the 1st I have heard of that has a category for us oneheads. Lets here some outrage out there in cycling land so there can be an SS division at every race IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY!!!!!!!!! Redrider (team One for all and all for One) Cherry Valley, Illinois

Single speeds rule.

We've got a nice little race coming up here in Arizona next month. It's called the 24 Hours of the Old Pueblo and you can read all about it over at epic rides. Also, our state race series has a single speed class. We kick so much ass.

You gotta check this guy out. He's riding around the world on a bike. What happens when he gets to Arizona? He gets thrown in jail.

I'll just leave it with this email.

From: word Subject: fuck all that shit… go Eagles I don't know what the fuck all those people are writing about today and frankly I don't care. I told you to take the birds and the points and you didn't....if anyone should be pissed off it should be me. And the fucker that I share a sportsbook.com account with woke up early and put a boatload of our money on the fucking J-E-T-S before I could stop him and before he went riding even thought the fucking game wasn't on until 4:30. Serves me right for not having the balls to open up the account on my own. Now I'm only going to give you one more chance here... the birds opened at -4 (sportsbook.com) and that's only going to go up. With this being the last game ever at the Vet, the sheer fear of 50,000 drunken maniacs storming the field to steal everything in sight (including the mounted police which will end up stuffed, cops and all, in some living room in South Philly) , should cost Tampa Bay a touchdown...minimum. Hock come of your used up pornos on Ebay, use the cash to open an account today and get this shit started...only 42 days until March Madness. And I DON"T HAVE A PROBLEM ...REALLY.

Well, thanks for the line on the game and all, but I've got to share something with ya.

When I bet, I lose.

So, since I really want the Eagles to win, more that I'd like to win a couple of bucks, I'm not going to bet on them. I'm doing it for the benefit of all of Philadelphia.

See what I'm sayin?

Monday, January 13, 2003

jenna jameson   I   nikki nova   I   krystal steal

He he ho ho ha ha. There are coming to take me away. Don't forget about the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo coming up real friggin soon. Read all about it at epic rides.

From: snake Subject: cross race Alright mutha fuckas Who won yesterday? a report would be nice like ice dont hate the player hate the game

Nice like ice, huh? How's the weather up in Flagstaff frozen gulag these days? I'll bet its cold.

Just so you know, it's warm down here. Real warm. Cozy. Rode in short sleeves today. Ah, yes, it was nice.

What, who won the state championship cross race?

I'll tell you who won. The fucking Gnome won.

Dave Herbold is a bad man.

You better recognize.

From: Matt Subject: Texas Jonny, I don't think that your assessment of Texans is correct. We are not all the same. I was born in Texas, and have lived here all of my life. I think that we have taken a major leave of our senses putting the Bush family in charge of anything. His ignorance and lack domestic policy never cease to amaze me! He butchers the English language and our economy. He has taken the fundamental freedoms that our country is based on and thrown them out of the window. You should feel fortunate; I have had to endure him as governor as well. Personally I am not a big Clinton fan either, but at least he had the capability for cognizant thought, they don't just give away Rhodes Scholarships. I don't agree with his choice for blowjobs, but I almost respect him more for inhaling (or not). Sadaam is an evil man and must be dealt with, but it seems that GW is trying to vindicate the war that daddy couldn't win. We should be worrying more about what is happening right here in our own back yard with poverty, homelessness, unemployment, and the national deficit which are projected to be higher than ever. Those who believe that this current economic stimulus plan is good in the long run probably still believe that trickle down economics worked. Think for the long term. Plan for the best and be prepared for the worst! Wake up people! Cut the Bushes!! And please don't stereotype Texans. Matt, Austin Texas.

Don't worry man, I was only picking on Texas 'cause Bush is from there. It would have been the same to pick on Tennessee, Ohio or Kentucky. Also, the point was that it's dumb to pic on Texans only because they're from Texas. Sorta like we're picking on anyone with dark skin and a middle eastern name.

My wife's family is from Texas and my uncle lives in El Paso, so I do like to bust balls when I can. I've been to Austin and though it was fun as hell.

Not to mention Big Tex Tullous. Fuckin wacko. Told me the other day he's doing six hour rides on 5 scoops of Dura Carb and a bag of walnuts.

Fucking walnuts. What is that guy, a squirrel?

I guess that's why he's the World Champion. And look what that asshole wrote me.

From: Jason Subject: [No Subject] BJ, I just returned to the Highland to check my mail and the DC site. Just because I dropped you on every ride in Tucson doesn't give you cause to take on all TEXANS. I thought I was being nice by taking time out of my training to ride slow and talk with you. I even gave you a sip of my post-ride beer. But obviously you have some inferiority issues with TEXANS. this is common in our small world. Hopefully, you and your wife can come to terms with your little issue. See you next week and Remember the ALAMO. ===== Jason "It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether I win or lose."

Ah fuck you.

Here is the promised porn bonanza. I'll start with these two little numbers right here. A guy named Jason sent 'em in, and he says that if you change the number in the url, you can get even more videos.

More porn right over here. Also, don't be afraid to click and maybe even click again a few more times.

And then, just when you think you've had enough, I give you this one. Maybe you should try reading something for a bit. You know, take a break for a bit. Then we'll get back into the real wacky shit.

Sunday, January 12, 2003

jana   I   veronica zemanova   I   jordan west

Man, today is going to be the boatload of fucking angry email day. Stand back and get ready to rumble, 'cause jonny cakes pissed off more than a few yesterday. Woo hoo, I am a dumb ass.

I'm just going to start with these in the order I received them, and reply to them in kind. There are two themes in today's emails: One is that Texans want to kill me, the rest just want more porn and less talk.

So here are the highlights of my email hell.

From: Mike Subject: Stop Bitching Hey Big Johny, Tell all the fucks to stop bitching about how their pussy hurts so much and that all they do is just get drunk. At least they can get drunk and they aren't stuck in some God forsaken country where they don't have beer or any forms of alcohol and that there isn't any place to ride a bike. There is always somebody out there that has a worse story then theirs. Yea their life might suck, but it is their only life, so FI (fuck it) and make the most or least of it whatever they decide, just don't bitch about it. We don't need to hear about how sore their pussy is, their legs okay, but not their pussy. Just my thoughts. Drink, Ride, and be Happy!

OK, looking good, feeling good so far. Lets get on to the next one.

From: Mike Subject: fuk fuck the fucking fuckers; that's all I have to fucking say; fuck the fucking fuckers! " Deficit Predictions Soar With Bush Plan Economists Say Records Could Fall" washingtonpost.com

Ah, yes fuck the fucking fuckers. Fuck them indeed.

From: Rare Subject: NATIONAL ID CARD, MAKES YOU FEEL FREE? A national Identification Card - complete with biometic identifiers, such as fingerprints or retinal scans - is coming. Only it's not being called that. House Resolution 4633 - the Driver's License Modernization Act of 2002 - would effectively create a national ID if it's passed. The bill would require each state to adopt a uniform standard for driver's licenses and link their motor vehicle databases to a central computer registry. H.R. 4633 would "amend title 23, United States Code, to establish standards for state programmes for the issuance of drivers' licenses and identification cards, and for other purposes." It would make use of "encoded biometric data matching the holder of the license or card." In other words, American citizens who have never committed any crime would be subject to fingerprinting (or something similar, such as a retinal scan) and compelled to carry a card with an embedded computer chip containing reams of personal information. As Eric Skrum of the National Motorists Association put it recently: "Ultimately, anybody in any state with a card reader would be able to look up your personal driving record, credit rating, Social Security number, health information, personal address, and anything else the government would force you to divulge in order to 'voluntarily' obtain a driver's license." They can call it whatever they want, but the end result will be the same. This bill should be rejected as being incompatible with a free society. In addition, the people who dream this shit up should have to drink a pint of my jizz and go fuck themselves.... washtimes.com More PBR to wash away my pains,

Yes, that is some real top drawer bullshit. It just doesn't get any better than that. Really. And I don't even want to hear about a pint of your jizz. Probably could be considered a 'weapon of mass destruction'.

All right, I'm good and fired up. Lets move on.

From: Cfrone Subject: Get Real! Geez, lighten up a little! Put away the nails and hammer, and stop trying to crucify the conservatives and George for all the worlds problems. If you read the article that you posted about the SUV's, the first 2 people it points out are the chairman of the DNC and Jesse....How come there are no smart ass remarks about those guys? You point out the conservatives lie too much...don't remember any recent tirades about Traficant, or Sharpton's support of Tawana, or Bill's little problem avoiding perjury. How about all the self-richeous Hollywood pricks that show up for everything in a limo (what kind of mileage do they get??), but condemn the local soccer Mom for her SUV because she needs to cart around the kids and equipment. Lets get back to what this site is supposed to be about, and what brought us here in the first place....Bikes, Boobs, and Beers !!! If I want a shitload of political garbage, I'll go read the NY Times.

You know what, you're right. Fuck all those guys. Here is the suv link in case you'd like to read it.

I guess I might as well come out and say it. Fuck the Democrats. There I said it. There are a lot of fucking scumbags in both parties, and I just can't identify with either. I'm not down with any one them. Fuck Jesse 'the body' Ventura and his big ass car. And, isn't he a Republican?

You want more smart ass remarks?

James A. Traficant is a loser. A two bit thug and petty criminal who should have been a bricklayer or plumber in life. Then he could fuck people on his work bids like he's supposed to. He got what he deserved, an eight-year term in a federal prison.

Al Sharpton is a piece of shit. Tawana Brawley was a God damned race baiting embarrassment to all Americans. That guy would do just about anything to get his fat, Don King looking face on the television.

Why anyone gives a shit what he thinks about anything is beyond me. He still gets interviewed about current affairs, and presents himself as the representative of something or somebody. I just don't exactly know what that is.

Man, my hands are getting tired from all this damned typing.

Clinton? Yeah, he lied. Through his teeth. He committed perjury. I heard he got his license to practice law yanked, and rightly so. You can't lie under oath and not get penalized about it. Even if the lie is about sticking a fat ugly pig.

Oh, the horror of that moment. The fucking horror.

I almost forgot. Fuck the rich hollywood elite too. You think I've got any love for them?

Are you joking? In conclusion, I hate everything and everyone.

From: Geo Subject: You are probably……… You are probably gonna piss off some folks with your "Texas" commentary but ya know what? Screw'em because you are right. I am the father of a 9 year old boy and I will be DAMNED if I will send him over to some foreign country in 9 years to die for somebody else's fucking oil. Sorry George Bush-but why don't you send YOUR alcohol addled kids over there......................

Yeah, tell me about it. See above and below. Jeez.

From: Roy Subject: Man, enoughs enough More sweeping, ridiculous over-generalizations from the most ignorant political sage with a web address I've seen since Jimmy "let's appease everyone" Carter. So Texas and everything in it/from it sucks now, huh? Isn't Lance Fucking Armstrong from Texas? Dude, I respect your right to say whatever the hell you want on your own website, but your complete lack of political knowledge really detracts from the entertainment value of this otherwise excellent site. Bikes, excellent.. liquor, bring it.. porn, fuckin' A! Leftist, irrational, POLITICS??? Instead of reasoned debate or all points of view, you and your ilk sit here and Bush-bash as though you were all members of the DNC FuckBuddy Club and a consortium of Hillary's VRWC theory nuts. Not a single posting on politics here makes any sense, or seems based in fact. Everything you assclowns say here has all the rhetorical gifts of bumper-sticker politics and logic. But I guess it "feels better" to blab than it is to fucking think. Did it ever once occur to you that some of your fans might get pissed off at your senseless, factually inaccurate rants and then turn their collective back on the rest of your message? Why don't you just post a link to the Wacko, Clinton-Carville Wing of the Democratic Party on your site? And while you're at it, Chuckles, be sure to post links to various homosexual causes, animal/trees/insect rights, and get rid of all the porno crap because that will not only make the homos upset but the feminists cringe until they protest your ass right off the fucking planet. Just wait 'til the quasi-fascists at MADD start crying about your celebration of liquor. Now you're ashamed to be an American? Tell you what Bubba, get on your fucking bike and head due south, until you get to any point in Mexico, and don't let the door hit your fat, abysmally uninformed socialist ass on the way out. When you get there, enjoy all the wonderful freedoms and opportunities you'll find in Third World Hell, that is, after you pick your ass up out of the fucking dirt or wake up in some shit-hole hospital after the muchachos roll your ass for being an American and take all your green. Don't forget to pay the cops off, or you'll get no justice, no peace. If you make it through Mexico, keep going south through the rest of fucked up South America, and call us back when you get to, say, Antarctica. Maybe some Birkenstock wearing Bolshevik (what Lenin once called "useful idiots") will send you a wind powered device and you can sail, sail your ass back to reality - that is unless of course, some pissed off but oh-so-intelligent dolphin decides he likes the look of your fleshy ass and decides to extend to you the finger of friendship first on the high seas. You're ashamed to be an American? Fuck, I'm ashamed I ever rode a bike in your company on Ragbrai, read your site and found it illuminating, or considered you a sentient fucking being. As a combat veteran of the United States Armed Forces, who would fight to the death to protect your rights to make a complete fucking asshole out of yourself, I consider your debt to this great nation paid. Don't say thanks. I bid you and your once-entertaining site adieu, wish you a boatload of headwinds, several flat tires, and lastly - I hope an SUV appears to block you when you're next stuck in traffic when desperately trying to get to a fucking gas station toilet before shitting yourself.

Look, I can and do say whatever I want, whenever I want on this site. It's my site. You can get something going, I'll bet "bigjonnyisanidiot.com" is available. Then you can say whatever you want. Its fun, believe me.

As far as alienating or turning away site viewers, what can I say? I can't believe anyone actually takes the time to read my shit in the first place. I mean, who really gives a shit what a fat, shitty cyclist who drinks too much and looks at porn all day says, thinks, or does?

This thing I'm doing here is like a dumb little hobby. I say dumb things, people send me dumb letters and then we all get drunk and wake up the next day and try and make a go at this big, crazy thing called life. But, I'm not going to start saying things people want to hear, just to pacify my "fans".

I don't know what's right and wrong all the time. Even I said, on this site, "bomb those bastards into the stone age" right after 9-11. I was pissed. We all were pissed. But, now that we're actually doing it, I find the whole thing distasteful and unsettling.

Do you have any idea how boring it is to just link porn all the time? Sometimes I'd actually like to say a few things, just throw it out there and see what sticks. Some people like it, some people don't. We're all different, and that is what makes this country so much damn fun.

Now, I'm not going to Mexico, Canada or anywhere else. I'm staying right here and doing my part. I participate, I vote, I give to causes I believe in, I try to do what I think is best. And sometimes, when I'm really good and pissed the fuck off, I rant about it to anyone that will listen.

That just happens to be all of you out there these days.

You should know both my grandfathers were in the service, and my old man pulled a stint too. I don't think I was disrespectful to any of them, or to you I might add, in what I said. Serving your county is great. I have a lot of respect for that. I didn't join the army myself, but am I supposed to feel bad for that?

Bush is a draft dodger, just like Clinton. He got bumped up in line for the Texas National Guard and then didn't even satisfy his service requirements. You know why he could do that?

Because his Daddy was a rich congressmen at the time, that's why. You should be fucking pissed at him.

Now, maybe I'll see you on Ragbrai, and maybe I won't. If I do, you can try and put me the gutter all you want. I'm not afraid to bang bars in the group, my friend, not at all.

And after that, I'll buy you a beer at the first bar on the right, unless it happens to be on the left.

Sound like a deal?

From: David Subject: (no subject) I think your rants are funny nonetheless, even though I align myself a little more to the right than the left, I agree our current president is a complete moron. But let's not forget, he is only a figurehead. The decisions being made have nothing to do with his free thought, as I feel this agenda of war is driven by special interests, and those that gave him the money to get into office. It's all about big oil man, and big money.....

Hoo boy howdy. You heard it here first.

From: Trey Subject: from Texas With all due respect, fuck you. I was watching the game last night hoping like hell that the Eagles got their ass kicked. I wanted all those no-class, half-wit, fat ass Eagles fans to be so fucking distraught that there would be a slew of industrial accidents while they cried like a bunch of pussies. Now I have to wait another week for the last game at the worst sports facility ever built. I hope they blow it up with a full crowd in attendance. I hope Buddy Ryan and his retarded sons come over and fuck your dog. Finally, the absolutely best thing about Texas is there is not a statue of Rocky anywhere in sight.

You know what? The Vet is garbage. The worst turf in the league, no doubt. Football should only be played on grass. They league should outlaw astroturf.

You can have Buddy Ryan, I'll keep Rocky.

From: Mike Subject: oh yeah washingtonpost.com that's it, the fukking lies vs. the reality; read your lies at the White House; read the truth above

Yeah, that is a bunch of bullshit. Big government used to be the weakness of the Democratic party. And, I didn't like it much then either.

Big government is big trouble. I can't figure out how the government keeps getting bigger and I keep hearing about lowering taxes. Oh yeah, we'll just increase our national dept.

We'll just pass it on to out kids. They're smart, they'll figure it out.

From: Roger Subject: Jan. 11 rant DC, So you think the destruction of the World Trade Center was justified because of America's foreign policy? I guess I could itemize all of the terrorist acts performed against the US in the last thirty years and that they were all, yes all, committed by Muslim men in the 17-35 year old age group. But I guess that might cloud the issue for you. And I guess that the wonderful communist paradise of North Korea is just a mis-understood demagogue who isn't ignoring it's starving population while it's leadership stays comfortable and happy? Please explain to me the validity of a state who kidnaps citizens from neighboring countries for use in training it's spies. It is always easier to get up on your liberal pony and condemn everyone who doesn't adopt your lifestyle or view point. I do agree that we as Americans use way too much gas and we certainly have caused our share of turmoil throughout the world. Both parties have made horrendous blunders in that arena. I think FDR made a wonderful comment about a South American dictator, he is a sonofabitch, but he is our son-of-a-bitch. We should adopt that policy again. If you are so guilt ridden about being an American citizen, then by all means relocate to whatever Utopian workers paradise that exists. I don't know of any successful ones. Maybe you can tell me which country has the correct atmosphere for you? Now as far as Texans go, they are unusually loaded with BS. Except Lance. It ain't braggin if you can do it.

No, I do not think the destruction of the World Trade Center was justified because of America's foreign policy. Why even start and email with that shit? I don't think suicide bombings, the death penalty, and the designated hitter are justified either.

Lest you think I'm some kind of softy, I won't cloud the issue. Fuck all Muslim men in the 17-35 year old age group. I beginning to think they are all psychopaths hell bent of self destruction.

Not that self destruction is so bad, I do it all the time. But why take so many with you? Oh yeah, so you can go to paradise. Kill the infidels. Big deal.

While I'm rolling, fuck North Korea, China and all the rest of 'em. Dictators suck big donkey dick. I hate them all.

And I'm not moving. I am an American. I'm staying right here and throwing the flag when I see bullshit.

From: bikedawg Subject: Feeling better now? Wow Jonny, I guess you must feel better now after that little TX trashing. Sorta like the victims families of 9/11 now over a year later do. Or more like the women of Afghanistan that can now assimilate into a society forbid to them before under the Texans, oh, I mean Taliban. Was it yesterdays third flat and a long walk home that prompted that little tirade? It's said that Generalizations reveal allot about the shallowness of the author, although yours was somewhat creative to a point. Sometimes you gotta decide when to turn off Pacifica/NPR & Amy Goodman and tune into your own conciseness'. If you believe we deserved 9/11 because we drive SUV's, park tanks in Saudi or harbor Michael Jackson then American is indeed the Evil Empire. There maybe allot wrong with America but there sure is allot of people trying (dying) to immigrate into this mess, go figure. I personally do not support of bombing innocents and hope that it can be avoided. (Gee maybe Saddam will take up Russia's offer of asylum, you know "do the right thing" and walk away). Yet, I can fully understand and appreciate that allot of Mullahs are preaching hate and the killing of Americans , any American, even those from AZ, to an impoverished youth whose own countries have denied them a future. You know like those TX Doctors (trying to make a difference) killed in the Mid East last week so that delusional soul could get closer to his God. I think he might have gotten allot closer if he had just stuck the barrel in his own mouth first. I don't believe that bombing the Hell out of Baghdad will solve that problem. I would hope that it would allow for the recovery of Chem,Rad,Bio weapons that ARE being produced there and just looking & waiting to be delivered to some unsuspecting AZ's , NY's, Brits or God forbid TX's wherever they maybe in the world. I don't pretend to know much myself but, I do understand the potential that Chem,Rad,& Bio weapons can inflict (remember that little bitty anthrax scare?, which wasn't really shit, but sure cost allot to clean up). Now just try (but not too hard, it'll scare ya) to envision a real scenario on a mass scale, let loose in LA or say Tucson or Austin and then think how Pacifica will be crying about although we (the government) saw this coming we (they) didn't do enough to prevent it. Then envision the real aftermath (i.e. deformed babies, uninhabitable areas...) that could go on for decades. If invading Iraq to disarm is the ounce of prevention vs. the pound of cure that might be needed later, maybe its a fair tradeoff. Terrorism is not going to end anytime but if their options of weapons are limited, so too hopefully will be their terror. Ride on compadre

I don't think we deserved what happened on 9-11. I don't want anything like that to happen again. Anywhere. Anytime.

Uno mas.

From: bob Subject: (no subject) fuck you

I'll just leave it at that. Tomorrow, big porn update.

Saturday, January 11, 2003

briana banks   I   ashley robbins   I   bridgette kerkove

So I'm having a few drinks the other night and I come to this conclusion: We should no longer allow anyone from Texas to participate in the government of the United States. If you were born in Texas, too bad. You ain't shit and you can just go on home, boy.

Then, when the Texans get all fired up and secede from the union, which is apparently something they've been just itching to do for years and years, 'cause they're fucking Texas and don't fuck with them 'cause they're just a big old state and woo hoo fuck it all. I think it's 'cause they ain't nothin' but hillbilly trash, but anyway, then they can go and make their own country. Call it Texas or some shit for all I care.

We can let the Bushes run it and fuck it all up for awhile. They can run the whole thing under the tried and true "blame it on the darkies" platform just to make the white people feel all safe and shit. It'll work out for a few years. You know it will. They've got lots and lots of poor blacks to string up for all types of crimes, from grand theft auto to jaywalking. And the Mexican population, forget about it. It'll last for years.

You just know the Bushes would love the get there greedy little soft as a babies ass, rich man hands on some "weapons of mass destruction" 'cause its all good when a white man wants that shit. We just can't let the "others" and "non-whites" have them. Ain't what God intended. Ain't right. That's evil.

When the United RebupliK of Texas becomes North Korea in every way, we'll just storm in there and bomb the shit outta the place. Kill everyone who means anything and 80% of the poor fuckers who don't mean a God damned thing, just like we're doin' in Iraq and Afghanistan right now. Just 'cause we can.

And anyone who even looks a tad bit "Texan" gets tossed straight in the leg irons and it's off to the Gulag with you my friend. Attorney? Are you joking? You're a suspected Texan, you ain't shit. You have no rights. Fuck you, boy. Hope you said goodbye to your momma, 'cause you ain't never gettin' out of here unless it's in a pine box.

We'll roll over Texas like most mother fuckers roll up a pant leg. Then we'll smoke the whole shit like Hillshire Farms. Fuck 'em, take they're oil and tell those bastards how it's gonna be for the next 20 years. Our way or the highway, compadre.

Yeah, 'cause might makes right and the one with the best guns makes the fucking rules.

And when we do kill all kinds of innocent people that don't have shit to do with the whole fucking thing except for being unlucky enough to actually live there through no fault of there own, we'll just play the george bush excuse record and explain the whole "misunderstanding" away.

"What'd ya mean that sand nigger didn't get out the way of our 42 thousand dollar smart bomb? Couldn't he see that shit fallin' out the sky and get the fuck out the way? Fuckin' dumb ass camel jockey, he deserved it." Yeah, yeah, fuck you george. I'm ashamed to be an American these days. We fucking suck.

Isn't that how it works?

Friday, January 10, 2003

ashley robbins   I   kyla cole   I   sydney moon

Weeeee, fuck it. What can I say tonight, my brothers? Nothing that will make it any better probably. The jury is still out on that one. I've got some good tunes on the radio and a big ass bottle of vodka (love ya honey) in the freezer.

Looking good. Feeling good. I hate suv's.

From: alan Subject: [No Subject] This is what its all about: newsday.comory And the masses think its about "weapons of mass destruction"

Fucking scary, isn't it? My favorite line has to be, "Officially, the White House agrees that oil revenue would play an important role during an occupation period, but only for the benefit of Iraqis…"

How fucking rich is that? I mean, come the fuck on, for the "benefit of Iraqis"???

Yeah, and you're gonna drill for oil and natural gas all over our national parks for the benefit of Americans.

Fuck the Greed Heads.

From: Mike Subject: how? how do you tell when a conservative idealogue is lying? when he is trying to explain something. Bush lies, almost daily now. slate.msn.com/id/2076472/

It just doesn't end. Fuck me. Check out this site, I hump things. Hoo doggies, that is some fucked up shit right there.

Bruce says don't mess with the monks. Just click here.

Thursday, January 9, 2003

michelle   I   sydney moon is hot   I   lynn thomas

Yesterday I mentioned the Detroit Project and their new commercials. Follow this link to the detroitproject.com and see for yourself the new advertisements with an interesting twist on that tired 'smoke weed, support mass murders' bullshit.

Thanks to Bobby for the link. When I did a google search yesterday and again this morning, all I found was this other Detroit Project. Check out more of the same from Ernesto.

Jason sends in this next link, "'cuz there ain't no party like a west coast party...." I'm inclined to agree with him, I mean c'mon. Just look at that shit for a few minutes.

What more can I say? Today's ride, three hours. I'm hammered. Good night.

Wednesday, January 8, 2003

veronica   I   tera patrick   I   kyrstal steal

Don't forget about the little contest I'm running around here. Sure I said it was going to end at the start of th new year. I lied. Fuck it. Send in cool pics, get cool shit. Everyone wins. Click here to check it out.

The Wednesday ride. Yee Haa. Four hours of non-stop fun. It really is fun, most of the time. Like, when you're not a fat fuck like me.

Keeping true to form, I got dropped. Uphill with a head wind at 24 mph? Yeah right, not this guy. Forget about it.

So, I rode my myself for awhile. Until I met up with a couple of guys from Wisconsin who are down riding for winter break. One of them told me, "We're the Bagers. Or, what's left of them." Straight up keepin' it real.

Rode in with those boys. The on-one guys have a new game for your enjoyment. Go check it out.

Ahem, a girl with a bike. And we all know how popular that type of thing is around here.

This next link blows doors straight off the hinges. Click and enjoy. I think it was sent in by George Bush himself. Unless, of course, I just can't read.

From: Todd Subject: You like the porn…check this out! I am not sure how the hell I stumble across your site, but I am glad I did. It keeps me entertained. I am also glad I stumbled across this link. You have to click on the view button and another page opens up with the goodies. adultplatinum.com/content/wild.htm

Yeah Todd, thanks man. I love pics of hot, drunk topless chicks and white trash mullet guys looking all angry. Like, this is my girl for this weekend, buddy, you better stop starin or it'll get ugly.

Oh yeah, dirtbag? You're already fucking ugly. Just wait you run outta Bud Lite, fuck wad, then you're girl will be riding with me.

I get beat up a lot.

And you thought that was interesting? Well, check this out.

From: MM Subject: Almost Forgot HI Jonny------ Almost forgot to send this along the other day! It is our annual ride in Wisco. with Saturn team members and a few Postie guys. 165 miles of pure bliss!!!! HA HA... We ride from Tom Schulers (Saturn team director) house in Wauwatosa, WI. (near Milwaukee). It is a riot! Lots of fun. Always a good way to burn up a vacation day in pain! Hurry.. Make plans now!! Ha ha.... boneride 2003 team wisconsin

Hmmm, let me think about that one. Uh, no. I'm not going.

There, that was easy.

More in the 'I'm fucked' category. Say hello to Neil.

From: Neil Subject: Only in the gutter????? I think I have washed down the gutter right down to the sewer of life. This came crashing down on me two nights ago. We also had some hell winds, as I sat on top of the local hills we could see power lines sparking off and transformers exploding, it was a mini end of the world. And at that point I could of only wished for was the end of the world. Anyways I am 25 a total fucking drunk, living at home still, work at a small bike shop making shit fiftey an hour, and 1/2 of that goes to beer. I dont have a girl cuz I am a drunk, last girl broke up with me because I traveled too much as a pro team mechanic (she called me in fitchburg MA to break up with me....bitch) then I meet a girl who I think may actually be cool, and I get cock blocked. You want to talk about needing help....I am so fucked I dont even bother to look at the porn links you post, that is how fucked I am......... I cant sleep, I dont eat, I just do a ride here and there and I drink, a lot, while riding.

My man, I hear ya loud and clear. Life is a real big pain in the ass sometimes. If I didn't have a ride to go and get dropped on, I might never make it outta bed some mornings.

On the bright side, Neil, at least you are riding. Lots of guys get stuck in some shitfuck job where it takes up all their time and they never get out on two wheels.

Those poor bastards have to read about it in Bicycling magazine or some shit. Sounds like a living hell, doesn't it?

Tonight I'll toast my 'smart cocktail' in your direction. Keep the rubber side down, my man.

From: O'Grady Subject: (no subject0 Hey, Big Jon, Just eyeballed the site and your latest tale of woe ... sounds like my latest tilt at the windmill of the Saturday ride from Acacia Park, which I posted as a perverse riff on the Seven Deadly Sins at maddogmedia.com once I got done muttering imprecations against my many enemies, sprinkling free-range-chicken blood on my ancient DBR ti' bike for natch'al voodoo power, and loading various portable firearms in case this shit happens again (as Richard Pryor once said, "Somebody get hurt in here, I ain't gonna be the last one...."). O, Lord, how did I turn into such a pinche maricón? I get dropped by poofs on ballooners, fat kids on Big Wheels, and Alzheimer's patients with colostomy bags slung over their shoulders like CamelBaks. Wait a minute, I remember: It had something to do with spending the past few years getting overserved in various taverns, eating everything that's fat-filled, starchy and/or dead long enough to stop twitching, and mostly not riding the bike. Whoopsadaisy. Imagine my embarrassment. Anyway, I'm back on the road bike with a vengeance after six long years in the wilderness, beating my head against the same wall that puts the painful dents in your very own beer-addled skull. Fear not. By May we will have the legs of Conan the Beerbarian, with attitudes to match, and we will ride on a road of bones, smirking at the lamentations of our late foes' keening women and children. Solidarity, comrade, Axis O'Evil Dog Breath Kennel Club

Well, think of it this way, at least you have the excuse of it being friggin winter up there in the Springs. I'm in the training epicenter of the southern Unitied States, and just getting chewed up by these freaks. I gotta figure something out. And fast.

Well, that's that then. And I'll be hanging tough on the Sunday ride. Yep. See ya there. At the front of the group, of course. I got skills.

A few weeks back I was bitchin and moanin about those stupid "I helped crimimals kill a judge and 17 police officers, 'cause I bought a bag of weed" advertisements on television. I was saying something about why isn't someone making ads that say something a little closer to the truth. Like, drive a big ass gas guzzling suv and you support asshole governments and terrorists, jacko.

Well, guess what? A group called the Detroit Project is going to be doing just that. The new ads should be on prime time television by this coming Monday and run for about a week. According to what I saw on CNN this afternoon while I stared at the ceiling and wished it would all just go away.

Here's the drunkcyclist line on the subject, straight up: Gasoline, by assholes for assholes.

Don't waste it. Use as little of it as you can. You know what I'm talking about.

Well, it's about time I wrap this up. Cocktail hour on the porch is fast approaching. I shall sit, sip, and toast the setting sun as I have done for the last three nights.

It just feels right.

Tuesday, January 7, 2003

gina lynn   I   nikki nova   I   kyla cole

So I go on this bike ride today. Nothing unusual to begin with, roll by the coffee shop around 9:00 am and see what's shakin'. See a couple of guys and head out.

Small group, windy day, headin' north. I feel a little tired, haven't ridden much since I've been sick. But, lets not make excuses, I was outgunned from the word go.

It's five guys. Flat Eric, he always seems to be flyin'. Philcheck's heading to the Tour of Malaysia in three weeks. What the fuck am I riding with him for? I'm just some thirty something fat ass with a porn site and a drinking problem. The Wolf. Not the southern variety, a lesser beast to be sure. I'm talking about the northern Arizona version, a man of legend. The Gnome, what do I have to say 'bout him? He plants people in his fucking garden for looking at him the wrong way. And then, little old me. And when I say little, I mean two hundred and twenty pounds of lovin'. Just ask my wife.

Let me cut to the chase. I got dropped in the first forty five minutes, just to set the tone of my day. I chased back on down the backside of whatever the fuck road and whatever the fuck hill that was. Next time the road tilted upward, I went backwards again.

This ugly scene played out a couple of times before Philcheck flatted and I had a chance to stand around and wish for a quick death.

He fixed his flat and yee haa, we started out again. Next hill, I got gap'd. A couple of more hills later and fuck me this is getting old. Really old, really quick.

I must've gotten dropped eight times. Story of my fucking life. After a 'smart cocktail' as the sun set, I feel much better. Much better indeed.

I should note, I got a good push from old Gnomie as I rode by 'Rancho Chico'. And it's a good thing too. You don't want to get tailed off next to any place called 'ranch boy'. I can only imagine what it must be like to get chased down the street by some bozo in nothing but a pair of chaps singing Barbara Striesand songs. Oh, the horror.

May I never be the last one over the climb by 'Rancho Chico' again.

Check it, check it out. Ham Fist is right up in that shit over at cyclingnews. I know it's just a team roster, but fuck it. When Ham Fist makes good, you make sure and mention it. Go get 'em Hammy.

By the way, he's really Brian Forbes and he rides for Jelly Belly, in case you are wondering just what in the fuck I'm talking about. Ham Fist, a harder man you may never meet.

On a sad note, Riis confirmed yesterday that talks with Ullrich are off. So much for my dream. Ullrich is gone. I really think Riis may have been the only guy that could have saved him. Now, it's all just bad.

I'm pretty bummed about that turn of events, but, you have to remember, I'm drunk. So who cares what I say? Check out this excerpt from an email I got today.

I guess i am o.k., given the circumstances. I'm single for the first time in almost 7 years, as a result of that, I live in filth, and I am shitfaced all the time. My rudder has been removed, and I'm a little aimless. I'm committing offenses at work that should have had me fired thrice over, and I smoke too much weed. Plus, i haven't ridden a stitch in months. And you?

And you, indeed.

Anyone else in the gutter of life? Anyone need a little help out there? God knows I do.

Monday, January 6, 2003

krystal   I   jenny fox   I   ashley

Study up on your bar signs boys, the season is about to start. Scott tells me those would come in handy out on the group rides. I have to agree with him.

From: Timothy Subject: Hey big Jonny, the link olympicsluts.com/galleries/22/index.html can be hacked. Just change the number from 22 to 01 thru whatever, and you can see LOTS more galleries. Lots of nice t & a there, just thought I'd let you know. Going riding shortly, probably gonna do about 30 or so on the fixie. The same can be done for this link, youngbase.com/newtgp/babe064/ygbabeess.html starting with 001. GRIN Laters, Tim the Mighty "The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance." Socrates

You sir, are a fucking genius. I gave it a try and came up with some pretty cool stuff. Good time fuck.

Saturday was the day of the blowout in professional football. I’m glad I missed it as I had better things to do with my time.

Now, Sunday on the other hand, Sunday was another story. Sunday was all about the comeback.

Down by 14 at the half? No problem. Wait till we’re down by more than twenty at the end of the third quarter. Then the magic really starts. Then we wake up and get serious. Then it’s go time.

Watching the 49’ers get rolling last night was a thing of beauty, beauty I tell ya. I still can’t believe it. Now, that’s action. Second biggest post season comeback in NFL history they tell me.

And I believe it.

The early game was the same way. My mother is a big Browns fan as she is from Cleveland. I think I have some close relatives the would kill Art Model to this day, given half a chance. You think a jury in Cleveland would convict? I think not.

I had called her when it looked like the Browns had it all sewn up. In the bag so to speak. Yeah right. The Steeler’s came back too. Big time, scoring two touchdowns in 2 minutes and 14 seconds.

This is the playoffs. This is the big time.

God damn great day for football.

My man Chipps sent me a link to this Sydney Moon flash thingy, asking if I’d already seen it. Well, I’ve seen it and I don’t mind seeing it again. And again, and again.

Sydney Moon is hotter than July.

Well, the sun is setting in a great glowing tribute to all that is good in this world. I'm going to retire to the porch and sip cape cods.

Saturday, January 4, 2003

kitana   I   nikki nova   I   bobbi eden

You wanna see something really annoying? Sure you do. I mean, what the fuck is this?

It's annoying, that's what it is.

My man Dave Evil is a bit worried I think.

From: Dave Evil Subject: Pabst is cool? Aw hell, you had to link that bit about Pabst gaining acceptance in circles of "hipsters" and "trendsetters". Well, that just sucks. Now Team Evil has to find a new cheap domestic beer to drink. Schaefers? Old Mil? Hamm's? Oh, the choices, the choices!

Nah man, I disagree. You don’t need to find a new beer. Fuck what the hipsters are doing.

We were first and I gar-ran-fucking-tee we'll be last as well. Those fuckers will be on to the next big thing and guys like you and I will still be throwing down the redneck champagne.

Unless of course the bar doesn’t carry Pabst. Then order whatever else they have for a buck a can.

Ya hear me?

Friday, January 3, 2003

autumn   I   sydney moon   I   nikki nova

CK in Wisconsin says to pbr me asap.

It works for me, my man. Works for me every time

These guys, fans of the site. I'm tellin ya, it's true.

And, how scary is this? I wouldn't put anything past those bastards these days. I'd say they're chomping at the bit to pull a stunt like that.

My man mudflap likes this list of the 100 most annoying things of 2002.

You want links? I’ll give ya fucking links. I know I've seen a few of these before, probably even posted them. I'll just post them all in case any of you out there haven't already seen them. That's the plan right now anyway. Everyone say, "thank you Laura from Holland".

3xparadise.com/gallerys/carlabike/scully03.html
youngbase.com/newtgp/babe064/ygbabeess.html
freeforest.com/hardcore/1223fat/sublime.htm
sexalizer.com/sobee/q.html
olympicsluts.com/galleries/22/index.html
olympicsluts.com/galleries/20/index.html
olympicsluts.com/galleries/25/index.html
olympicsluts.com/galleries/27/index.html
olympicsluts.com/galleries/28/index.html
olympicsluts.com/galleries/33/index.html

Thursday, January 2, 2003

hi honey   I   lesbians rule   I   nikki nova

I just traded a couple of drunkcyclist stickers for a copy of the new Sparta cd. It fucking rules.

It’s going to be getting the long play around the apartment for the next few days. Sure to piss off the neighbors, oh yes indeed.

It’s the first week of January and we all know what that means. Only six more weeks till the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo, the only race of any importance on my calendar. The hurting starts now. This is a fine event, one of the best I can assure you. You can read all about it over at epic rides.

There is a single speed category for the first time this year. It’s sponsored my our friends over at jericho and will forever be know as the Jericho Bicycles Sweet Suffering Single Speeders. A big thanks to jericho for helping this happen.

Personally, I can’t wait. I’m planning on entering the duo, as are a few other guys. There is no due single speed category, but fuck it. We’ve done well on a four man team against the geared lot, I don’t see why this will be any different.

From: joe Subject: bike writer allright big jon - you da' man and all that. here's some stuff to check out: bike writer - like a rubber stamp on the world as you ride. too bad i can't see the words too good in the video. at least the music by fugazi is cool: architecture.mit.edu/~atmarcus/bikewriter/writer.html# heard about this on rtmark.com - are you down? rock out with your stuff out,

An interesting idea they have there. I can’t read anything the bike writes, but I think that’s the video and picture quality speaking. Of course, you could just use spray paint to the same effect.

From: randy Subject: this is kinda funny I have been chased by a bunch of stuff....but nothing like this campyonly.com/mypages/1-1-03.html

Well, I can honestly say I’ve never seen that before.

From: Tom Subject: Drunk Cyclist on my site Hi guys, I run my own mtb website, its mostly local stuff, but we have allot of fun anyway, I put together a 2004 catalog cover for the folks at Kona that you might like the guy with the glass's is Dale Plant Kona rep, not sure who the dude in the DC shirt is? The picture was taken at this years Kona/Imba bowling tourney in Vegas tlining.bravepages.com/526b7250.jpg Here is a link to my site if you want to check it out luv2mtb.net Happy Trails

Hey, that’s Kevin Noble in a fine, fine drunkcyclist t-shirt. They likes of which, I might add, will soon be available for purchase on this fine, I say again, fine website. As soon as I pull my head out of my ass. You heard it here first.

Wednesday, January 1, 2003

alexia   I   victoria   I   jana cova

I can’t understand how search engines work. At least, sometimes I do and then I notice something really weird in the usage logs. Now, if you were to type in phrases such as, ‘jenna jameson’, ‘bikes n babes’ or ‘ragbrai pics’ I can understand why you’d be directed to this site. I would expect that.

Some of this shit is just crazy. It makes no sense to me at all. Check out a few examples from the top twenty search strings of the moment: