From: Ralph Subject: Politics - you suck it kiddo Hey Jonnie stick with the bike shop gig and riding the pain cave-you suck at politics- you have heard about the not knowing your asshole from elbows thing? Jezzuz H Khrist man Sen Byrd is a marked man...How could you not know he was a flaming idiot? Stay away from the political scene or get informed - its like riding a Schwinn Varsity to the Sunday training ride...dude some things just wont work for ya... peace out

This is how I get informed. Through the internet. I don't watch tv. I don't read the paper, or any magazines on a regular basis. I just ride, shit and maintain this site.

Byrd is a wingnut, but his speech still makes sense to me. Almost every other statement I've found attributed to him is the same old tired black woods blame it on the darkies bullshit.

He did have his one shining moment, though. Even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.

Out on the net, I found this to be a good article. I also think you should read this.

From: Ernesto Ramriez Subject: Young American Cyclist Needs You… For immediate release It is a sad time in this day and age when a young man so full of hopes and dreams, of promise and ability, of class and ravishing good looks is forced to spend his days idle, not able to participate in the daily activities of the normal cyclist. Yes my friends, as many of you may know (probably more like a very small percentage of you)Mike Jones a new pro rider for the West Virginia Professional Cycling team is currently injured. Our good friend Mike was accosted by a curb during one of his nightly walks around campus helping young women in need. This curb somehow just appeared out of nowhere causing young Mike to twist his ankle and fracture his fibula. With his training on the wonderful road of Tucson, Arizona halted, Mike was forced by a medical professional to wear a walking boot. The downward spiral into despair and depression soon followed. Forced to wear the boot at all times, Mike was afraid to show himself in public. His chances of meeting the right girl suddenly vanished before his eyes. Thinking that his life needed some direction, he packed up his car (which by the way isn't much of a car) and drove across country, only to be kidnapped by a man identified as Scottie. Scottie is easily identifiable because he is the only person in American who sings rap songs about high cadence intervals. You may be asking yourself at this point, "Why am I reading this?" or maybe, "Why am looking at this website when I should be working?", and most importantly, "This Mike Jones is one rad dude. HOW CAN I HELP??". Well friends let me tell you. Mike is currently in need of some assistance. You see with his fibula problem and subsequent lack of training Mike Jones has reached a state of Utter Boredom. UB is a cureable disease, but only with your help can he conquer this vicious demon. Mike currently has a running diary over at www.spokepost.com/diary/jones. It is his only link to the outside world. All he wants is people to read his diary and occasionally send him an email or two. Please read his diary and send encouraging emails, funny anecdotes, crazy stories, and pictures of females that could possibly be a match for Mike. His email is as follows: iamsopro@yahoo.com. We thank you for help, and always remember that Mike would help you out if you needed it! Ernesto Ramirez Director Cycling Helping Cyclists

Go check out wicked weasel. I know I linked that shit a year ago, but fuck it, I'll link it again.

Same with this one. Ditto on this puppy.

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink it. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!!"

Now that you're laughing, go read about the Patriot Act II.

Never heard of it, eh? That's because you weren't supposed to hear about it.

Until it's to late to do anything about it.

You think you're a badass? Check out wheel barrow freestyle. Only in the UK.

Check out this fucked up tale of woe over at bicycle retailer.

Snake just dissed me because I failed to put enough hot sauce on my frozen burrito. It isn't frozen anymore, in case you're wondering.

Well, round two is fucking swimming in hot sauce. Swimming.

He told me, dude, what have you got to loose? I said, how about the feeling in my tongue?

Yeah, that comes back I guess. Glory, now glory is forever.

Go to trailskings and download Danny's new video. It's fucking sick. Sick I tell ya.

That is one ugly mountainbike.

I'm glad I live in the southwest. Fuck the cold.

America's forgotten son, Sadam Hussein.

And, last one up, this flash number guessing thing got sent to me a couple of times. It's about as entertaining as the shell game. Good times I guess. I have no idea how it does it, but it keeps picking the right number.

From: DA Subject: ? ¡This ain´t no sit around the park listen to Phish all day hippie bullshit! ¡Goddamn! All these fuckin´Messicans is tryin' to kill me. First it's "Señor,will you come withh us pleese". Off to the fuckin' hoosgow in Mazatlan. Now I'm in P.V. and it's "Tourist Season". They have killed three this winter alone in the town. I'm almost the only bike rider in town and the other ones are either meaner or stupider than me. Or both! Today I'm up the canyons on the ol' fixie, swimmin' and drinkin'. Dood it's fuckin' beautiful. Like the fuckin' Lost World or sumpin'. I fall of a rock an' bust my head a good one. Swimmy time over. I work my may down canyon thru a village and see this fuckin' goat tied to a tree. I says to'm "Hey Cabron que corte tu soga". He answer back "Hey meng,what chew tink,I tie thees myelf? Lemme outta here meng" I'm shocked. "Goat, you speak English!" He rolls his eyes "Oh,we got a fokin' genius here. You got a speakin' goat an' you excited I speak Ingles? Fuckin' Pendejo. "Now I know I just been hit in the head an' all but I ain't puttin' up with bein' called a pendejo by no fuckin' goat. "So I'm a pendejo huh? Who's tied to a tree by a short rope?" You can see the smile in his eyes. "Well meng chew got me there. Why daon chew untie me an' we go for a coal one?" People are startin' to look my way now. I don't want to be caught talkin' to a goat on a short rope. Or accused of tryin' to steal somebody's talkin' goat. "Sorry Goat,I ain't got enough jng for two beers and you don't even got pockets. I gotta cruise goat." So I bail an' I hear him yellin' shit about my momma an' me bein' a pendejo an' shit. It ain't no fuckin' good talkin' with goats man.

I'm beginning to think Bill O'Reilly is a pompous jackass. He said, "I wrote a column this week on Eminem, and I said that Eminem and his ilk are the fastest ticket to poverty that you can get, because, if you imitate him in speech, in mannerism, in body piercing, or whatever, you're basically taking yourself out of the corporate world, and you're not going to be able to make a living in straight society if you emulate this man -- or any of the other rappers that preach this defiant attitude towards society."

He also doesn't think much of Jenna Jameson.

Well, I happen to think the world of Jenna Jameson and every single person I know is more like Eminem than some corporate dicksuck. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

Thursday, February 27, 2003

gauge   I   kitana baker   I   silvie thomas

I just heard Fred Rogers passed on. That's the Mr. Rogers. Dead at 75.

Damn. I must be getting old.

Turns out I posted a big old speech by a former (current?) kkk member congressmen the other day. Click here to read more about Robert Byrd.

What can I say? I liked his speech. Maybe I like it a little less when I found out how much of a looney Byrd is. Pardon the pun.

They say politics makes strange bedfellows. They weren't kidding. I'm in bed with a klansmen. Jesus fucking Christ.

My man RJ's brother is making some totally cool custom choppers. If you're into things with two wheels that just look cool as fuck, check out Jesse Rooke Custom.

Ang wrote this haiku for my team mate in the 24, the Angry Hippie.

One more lap then rest
Must be ready for the next
Is that bowl for me?

Heard about this one have you? "Miss [redacted] Universe, A[redacted] [redacted] ravelling to Iraq because she wants to do her bit to avoid a war." (We were asked to remove her name from this page. Nine years later. So we did. We're nice like that.) Um, that ought to work out just fine.

Send down your finest virgins to appease the marauding Arabs. Yeah, that girl is a virgin and I'm the fucking pope.

Honestly, I think it's as good a plan as any I've heard so far. Fuck it. So crazy, it just might work.

Northwave sends in this little reminder that it ain't all sunshine and puppies on my side of the pond. Yep, we have some fucking weirdo in this great county of ours.

It looked like it was gonna rain like a mother fucker Wednesday morning. I wish I had a trainer, so I could ride indoors and not go out in that shit weather. Turns out the weather was the least of my problems.

Fucking Snake has it in for me after I crushed him for a city limit sprint a week ago. Today I was outgunned, sprayed, played and laid for three consecutive city limit signs.

I did manage a second to Snake in the first one, and another second to Chad Hartley in the next one. The third I'd rather not talk about. Lets just say I wasn't in the game.

But, I still know what time it is.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car? The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: "Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too."

Wanna watch a dog fuck the living shit outta a pokiemon plushy? Click here.

Yeah, I'm going straight to fucking hell.

Holy shit, look at all these pics. The guy who sent me the link called it the "The definitive collection of the aerobics/beach girls." I think he's got that one nailed nine ways till Tuesday. My God, how much time do these people think I have? How the fuck am I supposed to get anything done around here with all these distractions?

Feel like racing? Feel like bidding on a spot?

I might have already linked this one, I can't remember. So, I'll just link it again.

You up for some masturbation horror stories? It'll knock your socks off.

Randy sent in this link to the chili tester story. It's an oldy but a goody.

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama Bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." George Bush, September 13, 2001.

"I don't know where he is. I have no idea and I really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." George Bush, March 13, 2002.

Good times.

From: Jason Tullous Subject: snake pro? Big Johnny, If the snake is dreaming of riding as a pro, why stop at Redlands. We are building a composite team for the Tour de France and need two more riders. We are having some preliminary tryouts next week at Pomona, CA, during the timetrial. The only suggestion I have is to maybe set your goals a little lower to begin with. For instance here are some TT times at 2003 Valley of the Sun. Jake Rubelt---the snake--- 29:54.10 Genevieve Jeanson--------- 28:37.41 Manon Jutras-------------- 28:41.55 Catherine Marsal---------- 28:43.73 This is just a suggestion, and we hope to see you the first weekend in March. Good Luck and look for our trailer to signup, Johan Bruyneel Team Director US Postal Service by Berry Floor

Fuck it, I'm going to ride my fixed gear.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

alexis amore   I   patrica ford   I   sydney moon

Ever get one of those Nigerian email scams? I've gotten a ton of 'em. Sometimes its fun to lead the guy on a bit, but mostly it's just a lame pain in the ass.

Check out how this guy handled his business. I think it may have been a bit much, but I understand where he's coming from.

From: Kirk Subject: Re: Just a thank you note Jonny, Your welcome, BTW I read Luke's thing about the pain cave and it reminded of a morning from hell I had. I'm a messenger here in Anchorage, Alaska. It started when I went to a place called "Bernie's" (As seen on Insomniac) and discovered they had Borealis Brewery (R.I.P). Barleywine on tap. The first batch was good, electric koolaid good. It was winter about four years ago back when we actually had snow. I remember hearing the words "last call" around the time I left. I wasn't riding a fixie. Our road maintenance sucks ass so I was riding a bike with SnowCat rims and Nokian W-288 studded tires, big heavy mothers both. It's main job was to get me from midtown where I live (and the road maintenance ass is sucked even harder) to downtown where I work. To recreate the experience strap about 4 lb. on your rims and go for a semi rough trail ride. Normally we don't get much morning business so I'd take care of a mail pickup and then switch bikes to something with lighter wheels and less aggressive studs but not this morning once I picked up the 40lbs. sack of mail I got a call from one of the bigger clients. So, over there on an inordinately heavy bike with the mail on my back then down an icy hill to the then new Alaska Railroad offices. I remember thinking. "This is probably the most beautiful reception area I've ever seen and this is probably the most beautiful receptionist I've ever seen." Followed by the thought. "Dear God please don't let me puke on either one." And to keep things simple the fun didn't stop there. My pager was blowing up Ice Cube's until about 11. The funny part when I was actually riding my bike I felt pretty good, it was when I got off it I longed for the sweet kiss of the angel of death.

Yeah baby, nothing like those drink till ya black out and wake up in a ditch nights and trying to make it through work the next day. Hell on wheels.

You wanna know how I feel about Iraq?

Read this.

From: Stinky Spice Subject: Statement by Robert Byrd, Senator Big Johnny - A little late in coming, but important, I think - The most eloquent and cogent rebuttal to the Bush Administration's pre-emptive policy toward Iraq I've heard/read. Guy's from West Virginia. Go figure. This was a statement by Robert Byrd on the Senate floor, reprinted in Salon on Feb. 13. While the White House risks the horrors of war, the Senate is paralyzed, Sen. Robert Byrd, D-W.Va., said in a speech on the floor of the U.S. Senate on Wednesday, Feb. 12. To contemplate war is to think about the most horrible of human experiences. On this February day, as this nation stands at the brink of battle, every American on some level must be contemplating the horrors of war. Yet, this Chamber is, for the most part, silent -- ominously, dreadfully silent. There is no debate, no discussion, no attempt to lay out for the nation the pros and cons of this particular war. There is nothing. We stand passively mute in the United States Senate, paralyzed by our own uncertainty, seemingly stunned by the sheer turmoil of events. Only on the editorial pages of our newspapers is there much substantive discussion of the prudence or imprudence of engaging in this particular war. And this is no small conflagration we contemplate. This is no simple attempt to defang a villain. No. This coming battle, if it materializes, represents a turning point in U.S. foreign policy and possibly a turning point in the recent history of the world. This nation is about to embark upon the first test of a revolutionary doctrine applied in an extraordinary way at an unfortunate time. The doctrine of preemption -- the idea that the United States or any other nation can legitimately attack a nation that is not imminently threatening but may be threatening in the future -- is a radical new twist on the traditional idea of self-defense. It appears to be in contravention of international law and the U.N. Charter. And it is being tested at a time of worldwide terrorism, making many countries around the globe wonder if they will soon be on our -- or some other nation's -- hit list. High-level administration figures recently refused to take nuclear weapons off of the table when discussing a possible attack against Iraq. What could be more destabilizing and unwise than this type of uncertainty, particularly in a world where globalism has tied the vital economic and security interests of many nations so closely together? There are huge cracks emerging in our time-honored alliances, and U.S. intentions are suddenly subject to damaging worldwide speculation. Anti-Americanism based on mistrust, misinformation, suspicion, and alarming rhetoric from U.S. leaders is fracturing the once solid alliance against global terrorism which existed after Sept. 11. Here at home, people are warned of imminent terrorist attacks with little guidance as to when or where such attacks might occur. Family members are being called to active military duty, with no idea of the duration of their stay or what horrors they may face. Communities are being left with less than adequate police and fire protection. Other essential services are also short-staffed. The mood of the nation is grim. The economy is stumbling. Fuel prices are rising and may soon spike higher. This administration, now in power for a little over two years, must be judged on its record. I believe that that record is dismal. In that scant two years, this administration has squandered a large projected surplus of some $5.6 trillion over the next decade and taken us to projected deficits as far as the eye can see. This administration's domestic policy has put many of our states in dire financial condition, underfunding scores of essential programs for our people. This administration has fostered policies which have slowed economic growth. This administration has ignored urgent matters such as the crisis in healthcare for our elderly. This administration has been slow to provide adequate funding for homeland security. This administration has been reluctant to better protect our long and porous borders. In foreign policy, this administration has failed to find Osama bin Laden. In fact, just yesterday we heard from him again marshaling his forces and urging them to kill. This administration has split traditional alliances, possibly crippling, for all time, international order-keeping entities like the United Nations and NATO. This administration has called into question the traditional worldwide perception of the United States as well-intentioned peacekeeper. This administration has turned the patient art of diplomacy into threats, labeling, and name calling of the sort that reflects quite poorly on the intelligence and sensitivity of our leaders, and which will have consequences for years to come. Calling heads of state pygmies, labeling whole countries as evil, denigrating powerful European allies as irrelevant -- these types of crude insensitivities can do our great nation no good. We may have massive military might, but we cannot fight a global war on terrorism alone. We need the cooperation and friendship of our time-honored allies as well as the newer-found friends whom we can attract with our wealth. Our awesome military machine will do us little good if we suffer another devastating attack on our homeland which severely damages our economy. Our military manpower is already stretched thin and we will need the augmenting support of those nations who can supply troop strength, not just sign letters cheering us on. The war in Afghanistan has cost us $37 billion so far, yet there is evidence that terrorism may already be starting to regain its hold in that region. We have not found bin Laden, and unless we secure the peace in Afghanistan, the dark dens of terrorism may yet again flourish in that remote and devastated land. Pakistan as well is at risk of destabilizing forces. This administration has not finished the first war against terrorism and yet it is eager to embark on another conflict with perils much greater than those in Afghanistan. Is our attention span that short? Have we not learned that after winning the war one must always secure the peace? And yet we hear little about the aftermath of war in Iraq. In the absence of plans, speculation abroad is rife. Will we seize Iraq's oil fields, becoming an occupying power which controls the price and supply of that nation's oil for the foreseeable future? To whom do we propose to hand the reigns of power after Saddam Hussein? Will our war inflame the Muslim world resulting in devastating attacks on Israel? Will Israel retaliate with its own nuclear arsenal? Will the Jordanian and Saudi Arabian governments be toppled by radicals, bolstered by Iran which has much closer ties to terrorism than Iraq? Could a disruption of the world's oil supply lead to a worldwide recession? Has our senselessly bellicose language and our callous disregard of the interests and opinions of other nations increased the global race to join the nuclear club and made proliferation an even more lucrative practice for nations which need the income? In only the space of two short years this reckless and arrogant administration has initiated policies which may reap disastrous consequences for years. One can understand the anger and shock of any president after the savage attacks of Sept. 11. One can appreciate the frustration of having only a shadow to chase and an amorphous, fleeting enemy on which it is nearly impossible to exact retribution. But to turn one's frustration and anger into the kind of extremely destabilizing and dangerous foreign policy debacle that the world is currently witnessing is inexcusable from any administration charged with the awesome power and responsibility of guiding the destiny of the greatest superpower on the planet. Frankly many of the pronouncements made by this administration are outrageous. There is no other word. Yet this chamber is hauntingly silent. On what is possibly the eve of horrific infliction of death and destruction on the population of the nation of Iraq -- a population, I might add, of which over 50 percent is under age 15 -- this chamber is silent. On what is possibly only days before we send thousands of our own citizens to face unimagined horrors of chemical and biological warfare -- this chamber is silent. On the eve of what could possibly be a vicious terrorist attack in retaliation for our attack on Iraq, it is business as usual in the United States Senate. We are truly "sleepwalking through history." In my heart of hearts I pray that this great nation and its good and trusting citizens are not in for a rudest of awakenings. To engage in war is always to pick a wild card. And war must always be a last resort, not a first choice. I truly must question the judgment of any president who can say that a massive unprovoked military attack on a nation which is over 50 percent children is "in the highest moral traditions of our country." This war is not necessary at this time. Pressure appears to be having a good result in Iraq. Our mistake was to put ourselves in a corner so quickly. Our challenge is to now find a graceful way out of a box of our own making. Perhaps there is still a way if we allow more time.

That my be A little late in coming, but I'm a little late in posting. So, it's a push.

My man Noel sent this. Why, it's the state of the union speech. Sorta.

John wrote in and said to check out the hun. If free porn is your thing, you can find a metric assload of it there.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

carmen lavuna   I   bobbi eden   I   lesbians rule

Sweet Jesus, what a day. I need a few more hours packed up in this mother fucker. That much I know to be true.

I think I may have just seen the ultimate system wheel. Just try and flat that mother fucker. Just try. Try.

Have to seen the Terry Tate office linebacker videos over at reebok.com yet? If not, you have got to see this shit. Un-fucking-real.

You have to enter an email address to sign up and watch the vids, but me and Snake just popped in some bullshit addy and it worked. Just so you know.

If you like cats, don't click this next link. Otherwise, rock out with your cock out.

Today's joke.

Clyde decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?" Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. "Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"

You wanna know how far behind I am on emails? I just got this link today. Yeah. I'm that far behind.

Maybe this is what we should do with all that damn duct tape.

Just an idea.

From: matt Subject: b-b-big j-j-jonny………………. Not into this chick but I know you love her. http://www.hostones.com/websites/pornstars/jennaj2000/number1.html http://www.hostones.com/websites/pornstars/jennaj2000/number2.html http://www.hostones.com/websites/pornstars/jennaj2000/number3.html http://www.hostones.com/websites/pornstars/jennaj2000/number4.html http://www.hostones.com/websites/pornstars/jennaj2000/number5.html

Um, ah, yeah, duh. Yeah, I dig her. Fuck. I'm gonna need a minute here.

OK, thanks, much better now.

So, yeah. I wish I had this email before I attempted the single speed duo at the 24 Hours of the Old Pueblo. Probably would have saved my ass if I knew half of this shit going in.

From: H20 Subject: Fluid / Carbs Bonking Chief, reading about your escapades sounds like a do-it-yourself Inquisition. Pain's good, it produces serotonin and adrenaline, but you don't have to die for it. Downing gel-packs when you're dehydrated will dehydrate you even further through osmotic draw (hyperconcentration of solutes in the gut causes extraction of water from the body through the intestinal lining); you also want to avoid sports drinks like Gatorade and all that shit, the potassium is not only not necessary (sweat contains more salt than potassium), but it can increase stomach acidity through activation of the hydrogen-potassium pump (read, heartburn, nausea and electrolyte imbalance). So, very dilute fruit juice is good, but you want to add some chicken broth or tomato juice (small quantities every hour or so) and then massive amounts of water until you piss clear to avoid getting dehydrated. And about carbs, if you start loading a couple of hours before the race with some complex carbs (best is brown rice sushi, whole grain pasta or very dark breads like pumpernickel and rye) then you avoid the insulin roller coaster, which will again slam you into the basement if you're already hypoglycemic and then you take in a massive shot of glucose or fructose like in those gel packs.

My man Marco from London sent in this next link. Seems the Brits find our president kinda funny.

So do I.

From: Jake Rubelt Subject: new sponsor Big Jonny I just went public with a new sponsor, athlete octane. I had some conflicting sponsors in the past so I haven't been able to tell people about it. But I've been taking the stuff for about a year and half and the bottom line is that it works. Enclosed is my results from the last two years of racing. If you don't think this stuff works then look at the resume. All the races are either semi-pro or pro mountain bike races and the road is Cat 1,2. I'm also sending a photo of me droppin the hammer down in Mexico this year. And this shit of you beating me in a sprint to the city limit signs will now stop. I have moved out of my sickness phase and I am now moving into the thrash you like a rag-doll phase. So don't bring a knife to a gun fight cowboy. Snake P.S. I'm looking to get on a composite team for Redlands so if you hear of anything let me know. Race Results for 2002 2/2/02 Tour de Heart CC 4th 2/3/02 Usery Pass RR 42nd (1st place KOM) 2/10/02 White Tanks XC 4th 2/15/02 Valley of the Sun TT 29th 2/16/02 Valley of the Sun RR DNF 2/17/02 Valley of the Sun CC DNS 2/23/02 Cricket Pavilion CC 10th 2/24/02 Cricket Pavilion CC 10th 3/3/02 Estrella AMBC 10th 3/9/02 Bike Ranch CC 5th 3/10/02 McDowell Mnt CC 4th 3/13/02 Redlands TT 166th 3/14/02 Redlands Circuit Race 156th 3/15/02 Redlands RR 104th 3/16/02 Redlands CC 126th 3/17/02 Redlands Circuit Race 82nd Redlands GC 91st 3/21/02 Tour de Sol (Mexico) TT 5th 3/21/02 Tour de Sol RR 4th 3/22/02 Tour de Sol RR 22nd 3/23/02 Tour de Sol RR 4th 3/24/02 Tour de Sol RR 12th Tour de Sol GC 4th 4/14/02 Congress-Yarnell DNF 4/20/02 Chums Classic RR 2nd 4/20/02 Chums Classic TT 6th 4/21.02 Chums Classic RR 2nd Chums Classic GC 2nd 4/26/02 La Vuelta de Bisbee TT 7th 4/27/02 La Vuelta de Bisbee RR 1st 4/27/02 La Vuelta de Bisbee TT 1st 4/28/02 La Vuelta de Bisbee RR 12th La Vuelta de Bisbee GC 3rd 5/5/02 Rock Rabbit XC 3rd 5/19/02 AZ State Criterium 8th 5/25/02 Outback Classic RR 8th 5/26/02 Outback Classic RR 1st 5/27/02 Outback Classic RR 9th Outback Classic GC 3rd 6/2/02 Fort Tuthill XC 2nd 6/22/02 Fort Tuthill STXC 2nd 6/23/02 Fort Tuthill XC 2nd 7/5/02 Tour of Los Alamos RR 11th 7/6/02 Tour of Los Alamos CC 1st 7/7/02 Tour of Los Alamos RR 9th 7/7/02 Tour of Los Alamos GC 9th 8/10/02 Leadville 100 MTB 3rd 9/8/02 Tumacacori RR 5th 9/15/02 Corbaca Mexic RR 5th 9/22/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR 22nd 9/22/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR 44th 9/23/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR 88th 9/24/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR 89th 9/25/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR 77th 9/26/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR 73rd 9/27/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR 84th 9/28/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR DNS 9/29/02 Vuelta de Sinaloa RR DNS Vuelta de Sinaloa GC DNF 10/27/02 Mayors Cup Classic XC 1st Results for 2001 January 21 Casa Grande MTB 1st February 4 Usery Pass RR 7th February 10 Dynamite RR Pack finish February 11 Pecos RR Pack finish February 16-18 Valley of the Sun SR TT 66th RR 32nd CC 58th GC 34th March 4th Hedgehog Hustle MTB 12th March 10th Sequoia Cycling Classic RR 15th March 11th Sequoia Cycling Classic RR Pack March 25th Another Dam Race RR 18th March 26 Another Dam Race CC 13th Another Dam Race GC 13th March 31st Las Vegas Omnium RR 4th March 31st Las Vegas Omnuim TT 5th April 1st Las Vegas Omnium CC 9th Las Vegas Omnium GC 2nd April 6th Tucson Bicycle Classic SR TT 35th April 7th TBC RR 1st April 8th TBC CC 58th TBC GC 6th April 22 Sierra Vista MTB 5th May 2-6 Tour of the Gila TT 36th RR 26th RR 6th CC 11th Gila Monster Stage RR 3rd Overall General Classification 8th May 13 Prescott MTB 4th June 1 Big Bear NCS MTB 29th June 3 Rock Rabbit MTB 1st June 24 Arizona State Finals MTB 1st Arizona State Champion Pro 1st Arizona Overall Series Winner 1st June 29 Deer Valley NCS MOB 12th July 7th High Desert Classic RR 7th July 8th Mormon Circuit Race RR 2nd July 14th Tour de Los Alamos RR 8th July 15th Tour de Los Alamos RR 5th July 22nd Casino Hollywood MTB 4th Aug 4th Tour Rio Rancho RR 9th Aug 5th Tour Rio Rancho TT 6th Aug 5th Tour Rio Rancho CC 6th Aug 5th Tour Rio Rancho GC 5th Aug 23rd Hotter Than Hell CC 33rd Aug 24th Hotter Than Hell RR DNF Aug 25th Hotter Than Hell CC DNF Sept 8th Nevada State Finals MTB 2nd Sept 15th Perkinsville RR 4th Sept 16th Williams CC 6th Sept 18th Tommy Knocker CC 1st Sept 29th Ruta Cilista “El Debate” RR 1st Oct 20 AZ Cyclocross #1 CX 3rd Oct 21 AZ Cyclocross #2 CX 1st Nov 10 AZ Cyclocross #4 CX 1st Nov 11 AZ Cyclocross #5 CX 1st Dec 1 AZ Cyclocross#6 CX 7th Dec 2 AZ Cyclocross #7 CX 2nd Dec15 AZ Cyclocross #8 CX 2nd Dec 16 AZ Cyclocross State Championships 1st Dec 16 AZ Cyclocross Overall 1st

Well, if you don't find a ride in Redlands after making me write ten minutes of fucking html to make that fucking email readable, I don't know what will.

Oh, and click here to see a pic of that fucking bastard Jake time trailing at the Tour de Sol. He got 5th.

Fuck. This ain't some sit around the park all day, smoke pot and listen to phish hippie bullshit. This is the big time. This is drunkcyclist.

Monday, February 24, 2003

nikki nova   I   sonja adams   I   helena hemanova

This morning I'm psychin' myself up for a run at the metric assload of email that's been piling up here in the world headquarters of drunkcyclist. Also known as my one bedroom apartment.

Hey, it's a life.

This outta tell ya all is not right with the world.

This video is pretty fucked.

Ever heard of the Carlyle Group? Me neither. The only Carlyle I know is some wacko mid-Pennsylvania town I was in last year for Flakey Casersons wedding. That place is fucking nuts. They call it Carlem for a reason. Well, maybe you should read this.

These pics of some poor fucking cat have showed up a few times this week. You can laugh to your hearts content by following this link to the scoobynet boards.

Wanna see the space shuttle working properly? Click here.

How about a four minute cross trainer? Hell, it's got to work better than sitting here staring at this fucking screen. I gotta go ride my bike before all this rain fucking Wells brought down here with him starts up again.

From: AD Subject: Mountain Bike Questionnaire Hello, I'm a Masters Student doing a degree at Loughborough University (England) and wondered if you guys at MBAA could help me out with some research on injuries (both through crashing and through overuse) resulting from mountain bike riding. I have an online questionnaire and wondered if you could post it on your website or email the link/questionnaire out to all your members/readers/colleagues? It would really help me out, as I need a substantial number of completed Questionnaires in order for my research to be valid. A copy of the results will be available once I have analyzed the data. The web address is: http://www-student.lboro.ac.uk/~eladw/loughborough_off_road_Quest.htm I would appreciate any help you can provide.

This sounds like a good idea. Masturbate for peace. Shit, baby, I'm all about it.

I'm not afraid of a little monkey spanking In fact, I rather enjoy it.

Can you say "raw deal". Sure you can. Check this little story out. Makes me not want to buy a used car, I'll tell you that much.

Not like I'll ever be able to afford a new one. Fuck that shit. I'm all about keeping it real.

Real cheap.

But, I still gots to have my bling bling yo.

My man Mudflap says after this one you can say you've seen it all.

If there is one thing I've learned from sitting on my fat ass surfing the net day after day for the past couple of years, it's this. Never say you've seen it all, 'cause baby, you are gonna see something even worse sooner or later. It just never ends.

A friendly word of advice, stay away from German porn sites.

You'll never un-see stuff like that. It'll fucking haunt you for the rest of your days. It's gonna take a lot of drinking to cleanse my mind of that horror.

Fucking Germans.

From: Scott Subject: this is how I feel right now This web page epitomizes how I feel at this very moment. http://www.chocodog.com/chocodog/ween/ween_new/index2.html A ride this afternoon was my only break from the shitstorm of life.

Yeah baby. Feel the love.

I've still got another 100 emails to sort through. I'm afraid. Very afraid. More nuttiness tomorrow.

Sunday, February 23, 2003

wash my car?   I   sha-pow   I   lesbians still rule

Sometimes a man just needs to sit and think a bit.

That's just the stuff. At dawn a little bird blessed me.

From: Dru Subject: I fucking hurt!! Another 24 hour race in the can. Holy shit!! I couldn't walk for two days. Right knee says "fuck the single speed, you need gears!!" I don't usually listen to the voices in my head but this one is pretty god damn loud. Wow, that little masochistic jaunt in the desert was a total mind fuck. I knew we had you when Spanky came in like 12th place on the first lap, as long as I didn't crack (well as long as it wasn't before you did) And god damn the wood was put to all of us. We were reportedly in 4th place the whole race & you guys were in 6th, but who knows how we ended up. 20 laps won, fuck those guys. Doing the one lap each thing was the way to go, but Spanky was only giving me an hour 5 between my laps, I can't recover and get ready to go again in that amount of time. All I can say is I saw 2 beautiful sunrises & sunsets without any sleep in between and 144 miles on one gear. There is a reason these races are so spread out, you need a year to forget how much pain you can induce on yourself.

Yeah, that's about it in a nutshell. Pain. Lots and lots of pain.

Lucky for me my knees are not hurting. Loads of other things hurt, but not my knees.

I've been getting a lot of emails lately on things like terrorism, Sadam Hussein and the like. Unfortunately, I cannot post every email. There are just to many.

You can always use and abuse the message board, good old velocidad solomente to comment, rant and type to your hearts content.

I'll tell ya what I think. I think Shrub is an idiot.

And Sweet Baby Jesus, what is this?

From: Dennis Subject: In the loop Hey man, I always read how you are out of the loop on cool things. Well, one the coolest of the coolest bands are coming your way. The Extra Action Marching band. I am seeing them on Sat myself. It is something to behold. Marching may sound dumb but you will love the Burlesque girls. I don't think you get the fun of seeing them with Extreme Elvis [like I do this Sat - just got to stay out of the spray]. But check them out.... very cool, something different and like most anything in life, better with alcohol They might be hard to track down, but you have to know someone down there with a clue..... http://www.extra-action.com/

I've seen some crazy shit in my life, but that might just take the cake. What the fuck is that? A forty piece marching band running around all loaded? With naked chicks?

I'm down.

I put in a big old Justin Joyride today. In case you're wondering what that is, and you probably are, I'll try and explain it as best I can. It's a pleasant ride, ruined.

We all have a friend who isn't afraid to see what's around the next corner. Behind the hill. Over the fence and across the ditch. Justin is my such friend.

A Justin Joyride often involves scrapes, bruises and a good deal of dead reckoning for navigation. As in, we can still see Mt. Lemon so the car must be that way.

Yes, my friend Justin will take you way the fuck out in Bum Fuck Egypt faster than you can say "one speed".

I know I'm in for a particularly good Joyride experience when Justin's starts spouting off such whimsical one liners as, "Yeah, the gate says no trespassing, but it says it on the other side. We're just leaving the place we're not supposed to be."

It just makes you feel warm inside.

At one point, he says, "Hey look, tracks. Someone has been here before."

I look down. Footprints? This looks like a cow track. "Ah, Justin, those are hoof prints. Cows make 'em."

"Oh. I hope they knew where they were going."

Ever hike down a wash and have it turn into a waterfall? Well, I did. Today. I damn near killed myself scrambling over boulders the size of my sofa. So much for not denting my Kona. Poor bastard got dragged over some mean ass shit today.

And, just when you think to yourself, where the fuck are we going, it gets better. Four gates, two barbed wire fences and pushing up a long ass hill later, it really starts getting fun. You see, that's the whole magic of a Justin Joyride. You're balls deep before you even know it. Hope ya brought an extra Clif bar, 'cause son, you're gonna need it.

I'm just talking shit. It's fun as hell. I love Justin's Joyrides. Go out and get a little bit lost sometime. It's fucking invigorating.

Like hitting your thumb with a hammer.

Saturday, February 22, 2003

hubba web?   I   nikki nova   I   kyla cole

I'm working on a new hangover cure this morning. Why? Cause I'm fucking hungover that's why. That freak bastard Giant Justin was pouring out the shots all night.

I hope his head hurts as much as mine does.

Interestingly enough, that little birthday boy, the Gnome, is feeling fine. How did he come out unscathed? It was his fucking birthday for fucks sake.

There is a rather larger Heineken bottle on the front of his townie today. I think it held 3 or 4 liters. All I know is that it opened up a whole new world of hurt.

So, we're trying the old shot of Athlete Octane with an Ultra Fuel backer.

Seems to be doing the trick. My eyes can focus now.

Is this our future?

From: DB Subject: Lesbians rule? I dunno big guy. I tend to think lesbians suck. Especially when they are as beautiful as the selection of today. You want to see a man cry just put two beautiful women in front of him at the bar, let them grope and make out, let them pose with suggestive smiles, and then let them shoot down any guy in the bar. That is just cruel and unusual punishment. Bi women on the other hand do "rule". Not only do they openly invite another woman into bed, but also give us guys something to aspire to. Basically a chance to join them. I have seen an escort here in CA that has a girlfriend. Apparently she likes the D too much to go full lesbo. God bless her heart, and a few other places too. This is my type of woman. Open to all possibilities and cute as all hell to boot. There is none of the attitude that is sometimes associated with lesbians. I have only met a couple girls that were openly bi and both were of similar personality. If they were all that cool the world would just be a better place. Okay, enough on that side rant. Holy shit is right. Where did that one come from? Needles to say I enjoyed the update today. Thanks for putting a smile on my face and dropping my jaw. I am gonna go get a towel to wipe the drool off my keyboard.

Yeah baby, I just spread the joy around. Maybe I should start saying "bisexual hotties are cool"?. Nah, takes to much time to type all that shit out.

I'll just say it now, once. On Saturday so everyone misses it. When I say "lesbians rule" what I really mean to say is "click here to see two girls kissing".

I think that pretty much says it all, don't you?

Roger tells me the holy shit link is hackable. You can change some of the numbers around in the url and get shit like set 2 and set 3 and set 4 and set 5.

Wanna see word spelled out with naked bodies for letters? Well then, just click here. Have some fun, why don't ya?

I spelled "fuck you snake". I showed it to him, but he didn't laugh as much as I did for some reason. Maybe I'll try Big Gay Randy next.

Today's joke.

A young man ,a current welfare recipient, walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job." The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The guy said, "You're bullshitting me man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"

Oh, make it stop, my sides hurt. Go check out Laura from Holland's new site.

The last time I linked a gallery of Reef Girls, the site crashed. To much data transfer I guess. Sorry dude. JT sent in this link to another site with the same pics. What was that anyway? The finest ass in the world contest?

All I know is Reef Girls are hotter than fucking July. Straight up.

Friday, February 21, 2003

kitana jade   I   jana cova   I   jordan west

I love this time of year. The days are getting longer. It's getting warmer out. The form is getting better. And, Girl Scout cookies are on sale.

I bought a box of thin mints on campus this morning. Lemme tell ya, sit yer ass down with a jar of peanut butter and some thin mints. That's right, thin mint peanut butter sandwiches. Don't even get out of your cycling kit. Just eat a whole rack of those little mothers in one sitting like I did. That, my friends, is living the highlife.

The "unofficial" results are up from the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo. Looks like me and the Angry Hippie got 7th as the drunkcyclist entry. While Dru and Spanky got 4th as drunkcyclist 2 x 1.

Dru and I both sucked a mile of cock and only rode eight laps to our partners ten. We rode about 140 miles and they had to ride 175. Man, we slack hard. Looks like next time out it's gonna be Dru and I in the slapdick laughing group and some kind of Spanky Hippie colabaration gunning for the high placing.

To summarize: Hippie and Spanky fast, Jonny and Dru slow. Thank you.

The Gnome packed it at 3:00 am and still got 64th out of 80 in the solo category. If he hadn't of DNF'd he would have cracked the top 25.

I'm sure he's gonna be real happy when I tell him that.

Local yokel Dejay Birtch won the single speed solo. Fucking badass. The dude who came in second, Alex Hardt was riding platform pedals with red and white checkered slip on vans. Fucking dude is nuts. I'm pretty sure he was on a bmx bike with 24 inch wheels or some shit.

So, you're looking for some weapons of mass destruction and you're having some trouble. Try clicking here.

Secret celebrity exposed? No? Click here.

Is Team Evil courting with annihilation? You be the judge.

I'll just keep the jokes rolling. Oh yeah, I'm that fucking lame.

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison.

Ah boy. Yee haa. Fuck it.

From: Robby Subject: Re: Yer site Hey whass2IT man? thnx 4 tha re-ply GOT ARRESTED tha otha day..warrant 4 NO HEADLAMP ona me bike..missed court date on tha 2nd 4 a ticket last august that was NOT on tha "RECORD" when the fine was trying 2 be PAID 4!! WOKA DA FOK MON...chit damn fuk pissGABBA GABBA HEY blah blAH BLAH..fuk da Man..PBR me ASAP OHyeah....all this came to a head when me friend asket me to help him get outa an apt. cause his landlord iz a prick...5.0 on the scene..15 degrees out......pig eats shit only when he HUNGARS...waited till u-haul was loaded then arrests me when done and frozen....tha FUK........L8R on

God damn man. I'm feeling it. I'm not really understanding it, but I'm feeling it. I hope it all works out for ya.

From: j. Subject: war stories Jonny, Been reading your site for awhile now. I'm totally against GW's plans for Iraq and I think your posting of this Wilson guys emails is the best media I've seen yet. Most of us have trouble separating the two, GW and our fighting men and women, so it's really nice to put a human face on it, especially one with a downhill bike. Keep his opinions coming, and try and get as much info from him as possible. Poor fucker is about to die so people can drive cars.

I'm glad you dig it. I pretty much just feel into this thing as David, or Big Dave, started writing me emails. I just had to share that shit, know what I mean?

Check this shit out.

From: David Subject: that's cool There are 2 email addresses that I think should be posted. I say two because I'm not sure what is going to get blocked. Since it is just as easy to send to 2 as 1, I don't see it being a big deal. david.gary.wilson@us.army.mil wilsond@emh10.bliss.army.mil I always appreciate interesting email especially concerning cycling advocacy and the latest goings on in the s.west cycling scene. I got my mtn bike yesterday. Before I left I packed my spare (Razorback Team) so my wife could ship it after I scoped the situation out. It cost $344 with fed ex and a decent amount of insurance. It's no big deal to me, but everyone here thinks I'm stupid for it. I've got "Capt. America" now and it already feels like I've gained about an hour a day since I don't have to walk everywhere. I won't have to pay to get it shipped back since I will be able to pack it with my unit's crap. I could have sent it out here with my unit's stuff, but we packed that the week before my brother came to visit me and I wanted him to have a nice bike to ride. It was worth it! I hear you guys had a little rain the last week. Valley of the Sun went down without any serious shenanigans. Wish I were there, Big Dave

Feel free to send Dave some emails. I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

I'd day these guys are some pretty fucking stupid criminals.

Speaking of keeping it on the high road and all that, check out our pals France and Germany. For fucks sake, I think everyone actually likes having Sadam around. He's just so damned convenient.

Fuck. Drink beer and go check this shit out. It's a message board of lunatics out in St. Louis, Missouri or some shit like that.

Thursday, February 20, 2003

stormy   I   holy shit   I   lesbians rule

I put in a good three hours out at the 50 year trail today. I'll be damned if that ain't the coolest riding in Tucson.

My suspension fork finally gave up the ghost during the 24 hour race. Along with the rest of me, it seems. I ran a rigid fork today, and it rode well. I forget how much I like rigid sometimes.

Ya just gotta throw one on and rock that shit. Smooth like butter, baby. Smooth.

Now it's raining. Yee haa. At least I got my ride in before it started pissing down again. I shouldn't complain. I wet winter and spring means a healthy and open forest later in the year.

Fuck a forest fire. Even if they are fucking lit on purpose by dumbasses.

More exciting email, just because I can.

From: Jon Subject: "oil war" I like your site in general, but the rants about an "oil war" are tiresome. If the sole concern of the administration was cheap oil, a zero-cost method of attaining this end would be to lift the embargo on Iraq. Restricting their production causes higher prices for everyone, most notably Europe. The US only gets about 5% of our oil supply from Iraq. US oil companies are actually hurt by high prices. The point at which the relationship between supply, demand and profit is most favorable for them is around $20 per. Current prices are $37 per. Call it a war of revenge, convenience, whatever, (all of these are extremely simplistic views as well) but if it is a war about oil, war is a poor means of achieving that end.

I agree that it is not as simple as an "oil war". It’s a catch phrase that has been thrown around a bit, one I didn’t make up. I have used it though, perhaps more than I realized.

In my last couple of posts, I don’t think I mentioned it at all. It may be in a couple of emails. Oh well.

I must say, I don’t think it’s all about oil, but, in the eyes of many around the world we aren’t doing enough to distance ourselves from such criticism. If we’re the good guys, then we need to act like the good guys. All the way though. It’s just that simple.

You gotta take the high road all the time if you're trying to set an example.

So, you think you know what pain is?

From: Luke Subject: you wanna talk about the pain cave? how's this for a pain cave? chris and I decide that, to fully destroy our livers (and probably kidneys and several other things), we need to purchase a case (yes, a CASE) of the fine Red Bull liquid cocaine beverage, and a large bottle of shitty vodka. you may be able to tell where this is going... twelve hours of drinking later, my boss calls me. "Luke, I tore my ACL and can't ride today." (it's six in the morning @ this point...I've slept for maybe an hour) "I'm sorry boss, I really can't come in today. I'm not even really scheduled. I'm not in good shape." "you're the only courier who's in town right now. I NEED you to come in." so I hop on my bike. (I ride a 2.66:1 fixed gear...keep this in mind throughout the story) I ride 13.28 miles to my boss's house to pick up my radio. it's 12 degrees outside, with a windchill of 3. yes. 3. in a fairly asinine move, I assume that no one with any shred of human decency would call a fucking bike courier on a day with 20mph winds when it's 3 degrees outside. apparently, I was wrong. every sadistic fuck in the in entire city called us today. I didn't stop riding @ all from 8am until 12pm...@ which point I had to walk door to door and stick absurd little leaflets about houses for sale into people's mailboxes (don't you love extra side jobs?) for 45 min's...then I didn't stop riding again till about 4:15. dear sweet lord. somebody kill me. please.

Things I heard on yesterdays group ride. Yeah, I shoulda listed them yesterday. But, that would've taken foresight, planning, that sort of thing. Attributes I don't have.

"I feel like a cowboy who showed for the gun fight on Pistol Hill with a spatula covered with mayonnaise."

"So I asked this Trek pro, you all right?"
"And she answers me, I've still got all my teeth, and that's pretty good for a West Virginia gal."
"Can you believe that shit?"

"Who's that Saturn chick?"
"Why?"
"I'm gonna kill her."

"Those 24 hour races are all Cat 3s and 4s. And beginner mountain bike racers. Tinkers only doing them 'cause he can't hang on the Norba circuit anymore."

What Wolf told me when we started the climb to Vail.
"Don't panic."

What DT said after we ate at Guerro Cannelo.
"Knick knack paddy wack the was some gooood shit."

This is from the New York Times, way back on the 7th. But, since I am a hack, I can't ever seem to keep up on emails. So here we go.

Quoting Paul Krugman:

"But now the fiscal deterioration has reached catastrophic proportions. In its first budget, the Bush administration projected a 2004 surplus of $262 billion. In its second budget, released a year ago, it projected a $14 billion deficit for the same year. Now it projects a deficit of $307 billion. That's a deterioration of $570 billion, just for next year - matched by comparable deterioration in each following year. You know, $570 billion here and $570 billion there, and pretty soon you're talking real money. Not my fault, says Mr. Bush. "A recession and a war we did not choose have led to a return of deficits," he declared. Really? Will the recession and war cost $570 billion per year, every year? Besides, Mr. Bush knew all about the recession and Osama bin Laden (remember him?) a year ago, when his projections showed a return to surpluses by 2005. Now they show deficits forever - even though they don't include the costs of an Iraq war. Anyway, isn't a leader supposed to solve problems, not look for excuses? But Mr. Bush proposes to make the problem worse. Contrary to all previous practice, he wants to cut taxes even further in the face of "wartime" deficits. Although financial reporters have started to realize that Mr. Bush is out of control - he has "lost his marbles," says CBS Market Watch - the sheer banana-republic irresponsibility of his plans hasn't been widely appreciated. That $674 billion tax cut you've heard about literally isn't the half of it. Even according to its own lowball estimates, the administration wants $1.5 trillion in tax cuts over the next decade - more than it pushed through in 2001. Another $575 billion or so will be needed to fix the alternative minimum tax - something officials have said they'll do, but haven't put in the budget."

I'd say that's pretty much totally fucked up. Go ahead and sink us, Shrub. You bonehead. Lets just give up on this whole tax cut bullshit, Ok? It was a stupid idea to begin with.

Just because you got a couple extra bucks laying around, it doesn’t mean you go on a spending spree.

We, my friends, are in tough times.

Next time around, how about some of you guys and girls out there actually vote?

And this shit is fucked up too.

How about a joke?

An orderly in an insane asylum is making the rounds one day when he sees a man running back and forth pretending he’s driving a car. "What are you doing, Willy?" he asks. "I’m going to Chicago for the weekend," the patient replies. The orderly chuckles and enters Willy’s room to change the sheets. When he walks in he sees one of the other patients furiously masturbating on the bed. "What the hell do you think you’re doing?" yells the orderly. "Shhh," says the patient, "I’m screwing Willy’s wife while he’s in Chicago."

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

britney   I   nikki nova   I   jana cova

I took my second city limit sign sprint of the year today. I'm averaging one a month, way above normal. Must be the beer. I think I beat Snake by two kilometers. When I turned around, I couldn't even see him anymore. He's so shattered from my onslaught of power he had to take a nap.

I should wait till he's sick every time I ride with him. Poor bastard has a cold. And I attacked him.

Hey, he'd to it to me.

Even though I never miss a chance to make fun of our current president (moron) and our totally fucked up foreign policy (stupid, shortsighted) I do what I can to support the regular guys and girls actually out there serving our country.

I may not agree with what our leaders (assholes) are saying, but I don't blame the men and women of our military. David Wilson is one such guy. He wrote me a letter a few weeks ago about riding in El Paso. Then, he got shipped out.

I've gotten a few emails from him since. I'll just post a couple of them so it all makes sense. Otherwise I'd actually have to edit, cut, paste and think. Oh, the horror.

From: David Wilson Subject: thought you'd enjoy my rant Hey Jonny, I really dig your website and I think you'll enjoy my rant. I am a lifelong cyclist heading into my 20th year of mtn. biking. A couple of years ago I went into a mid-life and for some reason thought it would be a great idea to serve this great nation. Whoops. It's not all bad though. I ended up in Hell Paso, TX where the mountain biking is rockier than anything AZ, UT, or CO has to offer (that includes the Huachuca range...that's the second rockiest place I've ridden). It's amazing how lazy even "America's finest" can be. I am lucky enough to have a sweet downhill ride of about 15 to 20 minutes to the military post where I serve the man daily. The lines to get your car on post are very long. I can leave my house on my bicycle at the same time as my neighbor in his car and beat him on post because he has to wait in that stupid line with all the other "fine Americans" while I roll through the middle of the double stacked lane and zip through the red light and cut off some colonel or other arrogant fuck officer in his escalade and flash my i.d. to the guard. That's the only time of the day when I feel "in control." Lower enlisted folks who make less money than I do and have lots of kids and drive their stupid "rice rockets" or some other piece of shit and can't pass the physical standards and are 10 years younger than I, ask me why I ride my bicycle. I have a mini-van (which my wife will be driving to AZ and CA for all the big cycling events) and a 50mpg motorcycle. Why would I ever want to risk breaking a sweat by riding my bicycle to work? I don't even bother answering them. Everyone reading this will know the reasons....and there are plenty. Even though my commander in chief shrubman isn't smart enough to solve any problems other than raising his fists, I ride on...cutting through the corner gas stations as a symbol of defiance! But it did finally hit me the other day. I ride because I profit from it. In the last week I have found 70 cents, a 4" 3/8" drive socket extension, and a brand new Stanley flat head screwdriver. That shit adds up! As I placed the new Stanley in my toolbox, I noticed the other flathead I found probably 10 years ago and a nice snap-on 7/8's boxend I found in my teens. I stopped picking up work gloves about 5 years ago as my collection became too cumbersome to pack and move. I may start again and then put the whole pile on ebay in the "lots" section. Enough of my ranting. My wife is stoned and wants to go ride. I need to get in as much as possible since they notified me that I will probably be leaving next week for the sand box on the other side of the world to help turn Iraq into our new oil nation state so all those officers can continue to drive their suburbans and escalades!! Gotta love it. 1 year and 6 months. I'll stop in Tucson and meet up with you and Charlie "Trucker" Gibson and anyone else who wants to join us and we'll ride like it's the end of the fucking world. If we're lucky, gas will cost $8.00 a gallon and we'll have the road to ourselves. Big Dave

I wrote Dave back, thanked him for the email and all that. He sounds to me like he's got it pretty figured out and I told him so. I get this next email a couple of days later.

From: David Wilson Subject: Re: thought you'd enjoy my rant No problem. Funny thing though. During that ride I was flashing everything and putting the hurt on my wife (she's the hardcore racer). For some reason I just kept riding harder and even put in some extra trail. I got home and the message was on the machine. I shipped the next morning. I'm now in the middle east. I will probably be here at least a year. Every time you carve that sweeper, remember the few of us that are over here confined to a tiny prison like area waiting to free our new oil nation state from tyranny. Feel free to even post my mailing address for those who might want to send a cyclist/soldier some mail. SGT David Wilson 32d AAMDC APO AE 09889 Please tell readers that the cannot send the following: Drugs or food laced with drugs (my reality is twisted enough right now, the last thing I need are drugs) Pork products Porno (sorry Jonny, but the local govt likes to burn that stuff) Things you can send: Normal mail Food if it has been "seal-a-mealed" (vacuum sealed with a food saver system) Music on disk (cd or mp3 format) Packaged goodies like clif bars or peanut M&M's!! Big Dave

So, there you have it folks. I'm gonna ship old Dave a little sumtin sumtin. You should to.

I've asked him if he as email I can post on the site. I figure some of ya might like to write him.

It's just the right think to do.

This is the last email I got from David.

From: David Wilson Subject: problems with internet I don't think my last message to everyone went through. They are taking much of the civilian internet hardware out of the system and converting it to the secure stuff for the military. When you don't get an email from me for a week or so, you will probably be seeing some pretty serious coverage on the news. I ran the 5k race today. I did okay. I started in the middle of the group and didn't really realize how big the group was. There were around 300 runners. I worked my way up to about 15th. I think I finished above 15th overall. We had to run while carrying our protective mask. Kind of sucked, but I was happy with my time. My buddy Jessie decided not to do it because he did not want to have to run with the mask. The army keeps giving us more and more stuff. We have a huge assortment of chem/bio gear. Enough to easily pack a medium sized school backpack. We have 2 full sets of that size. We just got issued non-bullet proof vests. These things weigh a ton and will not stop a bullet. They are called flak vests. They will slow down a pistol round, but a rifle round will slice right through it. Whatever. I wish I could tell everyone more about what is going on over here. Oh...Dan Rather visited one of the Patriot Batteries last night. I'm not sure which one and I don't know if it was live in the states. Did anyone see it? A bunch of the nimrod leaders in my unit bitched because they had to make arrangements for "that damn liberal." I'm trying to find out if the anti-war movement is having an affect on bush's stance. I'd say "our government's stance", but I don't think they have much say anymore. Here were all the war planning is taking place, they just laugh at the "stupid pacifists" or "damn liberal hippies." It's kind of sad to see such narrow mindedness. I think that if the inspectors were to stay in Iraq for the next 100 centuries and war never broke out, it would be better than us going in there and taking the place over....no matter how easy a task it would be for our military to do that. It's funny how intolerant people can be. I think it shocks many of the officers in my unit when I tell them I think they are intolerant of others and their superiority complex is what gives Americans such a bad name. As my buddy Wes used to say when he was in Germany and his friends would do really stupid stuff that would irk the locals, "It's okay, he's American!"

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

veronica zemanova   I   krystal steal   I   lacey duvalle

I'm gonna go big with the emails today for two reasons. First, I have a fucking ton of them. Second, my head is ruined. I can't even think.

I slept for 14 hours Sunday night. I think I'll try and match that tonight. Wish me luck.

From: Bruce Subject: Hang in there 3:30 AM, just took a leak, about to crawl back into my warm bed next to the wife, and thought that you may need some long distance love about now.. Seeing how you are deep, deep into the pain cave by now. Especially if its still raining... Hang in there, buddy. The beers are only 9 hours away : )

Yeah, you ain't kidding. 3:00 am is about the time I imploded. Thud. All she wrote.

Here is a cool link for a guy names Holger. It's the Bruce Lee Kung Fu Remixer.

From: Scott the Scorekeeper Subject: Ransom Note, pansies, posers, and phallic superheroes Missing anything? A ADIDAS jacket? Maybe I should post it for sale on VS so the fine lady patrons of your sites can get your DNA from your sweat to clone you. DC and DC 2x1 were superheroes out at the 24hour, a funnier, more eclectic bunch I never saw. I just wish I could have erased a few laps of the assholes that didn't appreciate the people that VOLUNTEERED their time to work at everything that Todd needed done. The race was a great experience, maybe I'll race next year. I think that DC needs a team to try and come in DFL, to go along with you four that go WFO. I am that DFL guy, maybe solo, two three laps tops. Keep up the great fucking work, sleep in a little this week.

Ah, mi jaqueta. I was wondering where that was. Fuck. Thanks for everything man, you were the best.

During the course of the race I got a soda, a couple of donuts, a few handfuls of cookies and god knows what else outta ya. Ladies and gentlemen, Scott the Scorekeeper.

From: Bob Subject: Beer me! Well on done the 24 hours at Pueblo. You don't know how hard you can push yourself until you've gone over the edge. Now it's time to sit back and aggressively taper and let the body heal. This should aid in your recovery. Beer me. If you manage to hit every one in your state you are officially in need of another type of recovery.

Right on Bob. I'm knocking back a cold one with Jake the Snake right now. He had an exciting weekend up at Valley of the Sun. I think we're both a bit fried.

I managed to ride for an hour today. It didn't feel nearly as bad as I thought it would.

That's what I'm talking about.

From: The Horse Subject: After a weekends research I have discovered Hey big man sounds like you had, er, fun at that 24hr shindig. myself and the grease raced a 6hr enduro at the weekend and I managed more than one lap my secret to success: black metal(venom) and hash cakes got really fucked ata about 7 in the night before the race on Sunday morning passed out by 7:30 after nursing the grease through the fear caused by him listening to too much metal and not really being down with it! and then woke up at 7am on Sunday feeling fucking fantastic rode three and a bit laps felt great and threw in the towel before we died a death but after the most fun bit of single track I have ridden in a long while so from this research my training plan will now consist of eating hash cakes and listening to more metal yeehaw

Yeah Phil the Horse! Fuck, I died out there this weekend. I pretty much don't remember anything between 3:30 am and dawn. Maybe there wasn't much to remember?

There is a lot of love in this room tonight, can you feel it?

From: Response Subject: Bicycle asshole I looked "bicycle asshole" up on yahoo expecting "big jonny" come up with a "slim fast" pop up, but instead I got http://www.kelleys.org/fatass/ which is right up your alley fat ass!!! Oh, yeah check out the bike seat, know it, and go fuck yourself, you pretty mouthed thing!!

Pretty mouth? You must have me confused with someone else. Maybe Snake here tickles your fancy. Fucking dudes a little light in the loafers if ya ask me.

And as soon as he reads that I die. Great.

This might be the funniest shit I've ever seen in my entire life. It's the happy tree friends.

Monday, February 17, 2003

monica miller   I   cheer leader   I   nikki nova

I'm wrecked. My head feels like this. Oh, today's joke.

From: chris Subject: jokes Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A: Slap her!

I just thought I'd start the week out by pissing off the three women that actually read this site. Seems like the thing to do.

Another 24 hours in the old pueblo in the books. Man, what a mother fucker.

What was left of the drunkcyclist team from the last two years broke into two duo squads this year. We figured, fuck it, more time on the bike. Um, yeah. They called us drunkcyclist and drunkcyclist 2 x 1. Good names I thought.

We had raced single speeds in the four man geared class before, 'cause there wasn't a ss class back then. Now they have a single speed class for solo and four person teams, but not duo. Feels like home to us, bring it on.

The Gnome went the solo route, 'cause he really wants to get deep in the pain cave.

It had rained for three days leading up the to race. I was not pleased. It was still raining when I got up Saturday. I was not pleased.

The Gnome and I decided to drive out the morning of the race instead of sleeping out there the night before. I think that may have been a mistake even though its only an hour drive from Tucson. We were playin catch up all day trying to get set up and all that shit. Things we shouldn't have been worrying about, we were.

The race started off with sunshine and a fast course. Bad ass. I sent the Angry Hippie out on out first lap 'cause I can't run to save my life.

I took the second, and turned a 1:13. I felt pretty good about it too. Until I saw that fucker Dru in the start tent and found out he rode a 1:12. Bastard.

For my second lap I rode a 1:12 and felt like a fucking rockstar. I got into the start tent to hand off the baton and, no hippie.

Now, usually no hippies is a good thing, but in this case it was a bad thing. A very bad thing. I waited for a minute, felt like and hour, and told Scott the Scorekeeper, I'm going back out.

Our campsite was just down the trail, we picked it so Gnomie could roll on in and top off whatever he needed during his solo jaunt. I rolled up on the camp, and there's the fucking hippie, sitting in a lawn chair, wearing a pair of jeans. The rest of our support crew was lounged out with him. Fucking potheads.

I grabbed some Little Debbie brownies, topped off my bottle and hit the road. Turns out this was a big mistake.

My third lap had to be at least an hour twenty. The time I lost trying to run a second straight lap was way more that we would have lost with that hippie bastard having to get dressed real quick. He would have defiantly run a faster lap than I did, even with the late start.

And then, when you figure he pulled two in a row to "make up" as he put it, that really buried both of us. They way to do this shit is one lap per. Two laps is two and a half hours plus out on the course, just too damn long. You run a much higher chance of bonking when you do that.

We went back to solo laps and things seemed good for awhile. I got to ride a kick ass NiteRider HID, the best light I've ever ridden hands down. I want to buy one of those things, they're that good.

I was still feeling good until my 2:30 lap. I felt Ok in the start tent and for the first 20 minutes of my lap. Then the walls came tumbling down.

I ate my gel packet a little earlier in the lap then I had before. Thought I needed a little pick me up. I hit the bottle of mix I had pretty hard too. Wasn't happening.

I had gone with a water bottle battery, 'cause I wanted a handlebar mount. I can't stand helmet mounted headlights. They really fuck with my depth perception. Anyway, bottle mount meant I only had one bottle cage left for drinking.

What I should've done is carry a bottle in my jersey. Fuck, I do it all the god damn time. It just never crossed my mind.

What I really needed on that lap was water. And water I didn't have. My stomach started turning sour and I started fucking up.

I was running off the course left and right. I couldn't' figure out where I was on the course. I was deep in the pain cave.

I saw a guy sitting on the side of the trail, asked him is he was OK. He said yeah. I kept rolling. My stomach was in knots. I was dizzy. I saw two people sitting together in the dark on the outside of a left hand corner. It kinda surprised me as I came up on them pretty quick. I asked and they said everything was cool. I kept on. I ran off the trail a few more times. I'm fucking up I thought.

I came up to the top of a small hill, and saw another rider sitting with his head in his hands. I came up closer and realized it was the Gnome. It was a little after 3:00 am.

I pulled over and clipped out.

How ya doin, man, I asked him. Not good, came the reply. I almost fell over backward, I was rocking on my heels so much. I caught a view of the stars, and thought, what a beautiful night as I steadied myself. The Gnome said he didn't think he could ride anymore. I told him I was shelled pretty bad too.

I asked him if he had an extra gel packet or something, cause I thought it would pull me out of it. He handed me a flask of Hammer Gel and I downed it.

That didn't do my stomach much good it turns out. I said adios to the Gnome and carried on. I made it down the double track, through the powerline rollers, down the road, and started the climb. I was in trouble.

I pulled off the trail and started vomiting. I puked my fucking brains out all over that climb. The climb isn't much really and it takes less then ten minutes. It felt like an eternity. I didn't have anything with me to drink. Not that it probably would have made any difference in the end. But, maybe if I could have gotten some water in me then, in the twenty minutes it took me to finish the lap. Maybe I would've made it.

I finally got over the climb, and the vomiting, and started down to the finish. I came into the tent and told Angry Hippie I was totally fucked.

I made it back to camp, puked a couple of more times and then I don't remember too much after that. I know I tried to drink water and that came right back out. I know at some point I changed my clothes and laid down, cause I woke up in my sleeping bag with clean clothes on.

I think the Hippie had to pull three laps in a row before I could ride again. I cracked that hard.

This was way beyond bonking. I don't know what happened to me. Once I stared puking, it was over. I couldn't keep anything down. If you can't eat and drink, you can't recover. It just spirals downward into hell.

Our support, the friends who went out there with us, saved me big time. Terry got me working on some bottles of rehydration drink. Randy got me eating, and Maren was a lifesaver with the leg and shoulder massage. I tell ya, I've never been so down in my entire life, and they pulled me out of it.

My hands were shaking all over the place. I was sitting in a lawn chair sipping on whatever Terry handed me. These guys got me up and got me going. I was ready. I went down to the start tent.

I can assure you, the Angry Hippie has never been as glad to see me as he was at that moment. I got out on the course, and it was a bit weird at first. But I got into a rhythm. I ate a Cliff bar and put down two bottles during that lap. I started feeling, dare I say it, great.

Hippie rode another quick lap 'cause he's a rockstar hippies type and I got out for our last lap at 11:45.

This was a parade lap, took me about an hour and a half, and I rode it with Maren. It was fun. It was over.

I think Dru and Spanky's team put the wood to me and the Angry Hippie. Just a little bit though. We both had 18 laps, but they finished about 45 minutes before us. Something like that anyway, the results aren't up online yet. I'm pretty sure we're both in the top ten.

Thanks to everyone who helped out. NiteRider for the lights. Tall Paul for the Cliff bars and everything else. Justin for the Sustained Energy. Maren, Randy and Terry for saving my life. EK and Nic the Dick just for being there. Todd Sadow for another great event.

I can't wait till next year.

Thursday, February 13, 2003

lesbians rule   I   lesbians rule   I   nikki nova

So, today I'm checking out some of the free vids on milf hunter. I figure, what the fuck, I link it I might as well fucking look at it every once in a while. I like milf hunter, that shit cracks me up.

The latest vid they posted, the one about Fawn is pretty cool. She calls herself a red headed slut. I'm watching it, and I realize the background music is my current mp3 of the week. Modest Mouse's Dramamine is now the background music for porn.

How fucking cool is that?

Now we've got the Decendents in Ford commercials and Modest Mouse in porn. Coincidence? I think not. I'm changing the world folks. One song at a time.

Oh God, I'm getting old.

I hear Todd Wells is back in town. Great. Looks like he brought the rain with him. Bastard.

I went out today with the Gnome to preride the race course. Well, lets be honest here. I decided pretty early in the day I wasn't preriding shit. It rained like hell once we got out there and even the Gnome said fuck it.

We've plenty of time to suffer like dogs this weekend.

That's about it I guess. I won't be able to update the site for a couple of days. I hope ya'll can manage without my stumbling rhetoric till I get back.

Go check out O'Grady for some good reading. I'll catch ya'll on the flip side.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

jenna   I   veronica zemanova   I   nikki nova

Well, shitty. The 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo is this weekend. I can't wait.

Two things you didn't know went together, Nite Rider and Jenna. Now you know.

There will be a quiz later, so take notes.

Check this out.

From: scott Subject: Yo! Fly muddafucca I was out of town visiting my little girl this weekend. Some funny shit you've been up to. That stuff BGR yelled at you at the race, I don't even need a broken spoke to hear it from some of my "friends" back east. It really pissed then off when I call on an 80 degree day and rub it in their 2ft of snow faces. I know that you got a better pimp hand than 223mph, shit, with my limp wristed technique, I got 369mph, bust out them guns, fairy. The 24 hour should rock, I have heard more confirmed reports of the guinness keg. I volunteered for the first and last six hour shifts in the transition tent. Leaves me plenty of time to party/sleep my way into forgetting the second shift. Find me in the tent, I'll try to find a way to get you the course record, your partner will look like he rode a tricycle, but you will go down in history, my fine pornographic friend.

You hear that, you stinking hippie fuck. You're gonna come out looking like you rode a fucking tricycle. And I will be the fastest man on the day. 58 minute laps, baby. All day long.

Yeah.

How about a little joke?

From: cbills Subject: truth Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years.", he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says "Worked for your butt; didn't it?" He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man...

I've got so much to do before this weekends race, I don't even know where to start. Like, sleeping for example. I could really use some sleep. Since, I'm not going to be sleeping at all this weekend, I figure I should sleep pretty much sleep straight through till the start.

For those of you not killing yourself via bike this weekend, you can go check this out.

From: corey Subject: swap meets and other love St. Louis Regional Bicycle Federation Will Be Hosting The 2nd Annual Bicycle Swap Sunday, February 16, 2003 12:00 Noon - 4:00 PM 17355 Edison Avenue Chesterfield Valley, MO. 63005 There will be merchandise from 11 Local bike shops at the event.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

michelle   I   nikki nova   I   susana spears  I   nite rider

I can't explain this one at all. I really can't. This is cool.

One word. Hottie.

There are some pics up from last weekends mountain bike race. And speaking of the race, I forgot to thank the Missing Link guys for the beer. Those guys fucking rule, they have a keg from Rio Salado Brewing Company at every race. I can't wait to get pounded with then next time out. Arizona rules.

This is Jimbo. You can't make out his whole get up all that well, but trust me, it's nuts. It was a good race, even Spanky got some.

This would be the big jonny with brakes pic. Oh, it got a lot funnier later.

Dru rode his single speed on Saturday. Then he came back out and gave it hell on day two.

Here is another one of me putting it down. Yeah, I rule.

Yes, Big Gay Randy did really ride the whole course on a unicycle. I told you he was crazy.

From: june-bug Subject: ha ha This little gem is from my brother, all ya'll. This lady goes to a plastic surgeon and asks about plastic surgery. Well said the doctor I have a procedure that will put a turning knob on the back of your head. When wrinkles appear just turn the knob until the wrinkles vanish. This procedure is alot cheaper than actual plastic surgery the surgeon said. Well okay the lady said that doesn't sound to bad and she had the procedure done to her. Well ten years pass and she visits the surgeon again and told him the knob worked great until yesterday. She told the doctor about these bags under eyes that will not go away. The doctor took one look at her face and told her "Ma'am those are not bags, they're your tits" "oh" she said and than continued "So that explains this goatee on my face" ha, ha, you know who loves you.

Yeah, we know who loves us.

Satan.

Monday, February 10, 2003

tina   I   veronica zemanova   I   briana banks

If you think war in Iraq is a bunch of bullshit, or if you're straddling the fence on this one, then you might like this next link. The mans name is Tony Benn and this is his speech. Hell, I think you should listen to it.

And exactly what is so friggin patriotic about acting like a bunch of nazis? I mean, for fucks sake already, how is this making anything better?

It seems my pimp hand is not nearly as strong as I originally believed.

From: Vitch GW Bush americas second choice Subject: you suck dude what 223 MPH?? ha I got 396 MPH and my friend got 417 MPH...u need to slap ur ho's better

Fuck I do suck. I can't beat 417. No fucking way am I even close to that. You, my friend, have a strong pimp hand.

From: coonan Subject: I never know what to put here to keep my messages from getting shitcanned!!! Big Johnny, Maybe this is old news but on a four hour bonkfest yesterday I got reacquainted with an old friend: http://www.littledebbie.com/ProductFrame/LD_CosmicBrownies.html Can you believe 320 calories for a quarter! I tanked up and made the last 30 on the forgotten .50 in the bottom of my flat kit. Sweeet! Any of your readers have some high cal low buck suggestions?

I haven't yet had the pleasure of the Cosmic Brownie. At least not the ones Little Debbie is putting out. Things I made in college are my own business.

This one time I was so fucking dusted on space cake on the way to Moab I couldn't tell up from down. And I was driving the car.

I've got a box of these little beauties in the freezer right now.

If something exists that beats a Little Debbie brownie and a can of coke, I haven't yet found it.

Maybe on of those .89 cent snake cakes would be a close second.

Roger sent in a couple of cool links. And I man cool. Check out all these Sydney Moon galleries. There is an annoying pop-up that jumped off on every gallery for me, so expect that.

Now check out this and then this. And, you will probably find this reasonably entertaining as well.

You'll also notice a trend in the url. Just change the 14 to a 15 for a new gallery. And so forth and so on. I didn't get past 15, but then again, my pimp hand ain't all that strong these days.

Since Big Gay Randy had been hanging out down here in Tucson, the television had been on a lot more than it used to be. In fact, it's on all the frigging time. I think I might hate tv.

Law and Order was just on. Some stupid ass story about a 70 pound pit bull that killed someone and had to be put down. God damn I hate that fucking show. I really hate that old ass white guy attorney, I don't know what his name is but I just fucking hate him.

He brings out this dog into the courtroom to scare everyone. This poor dog is slipping around on the tile floor, and they had to over dub snarling noises to make the dog all menacing and shit.

It's such fucking bullshit. Shit like that just makes people think one of two things. One, pitbulls are dangerous and terrible animals. And two, all the shithead wanna-be-thugs just gotta have one.

In case you wondering why I even care, I own what can be called a pit bull. She is a sweetheart and I'm sick and tired of the bad rap pitbulls get.

And this type of purposeful spread of misinformation is making my life more difficult. So, fuck you Law and Order and fuck you hard.

I fucking hate people.

Sunday, February 9, 2003

cathy barrie   I   angel cassidy   I   calli cox

I found out what Big Gay Randy yelled at me during Saturdays race when I told him about my broken spoke. He said, "Big surprise, fat ass."

Oh, the truth hurts.

In case you want to see it, here is more on racist O'Reilly. This is a partial transcript from The O'Reilly Factor, February 6, 2003 as found on foxnews.com.

From: Roger Subject: Jenna dishing it out You gotta love this… http://www.sleazyeaze.com/cj126/008.html

Roger, you're right. I do fucking love that. Good motivation for next weeks suffer fest. Think hotties at 4:00 am when it's fucking 12 degrees and you can't feel your hands, feet or penis.

Very bad things. Not as bad as belladonna, but still pretty bad.

Go check out the new layout over at athlete octane. My man Dan explains how his go juice does what it does. All I can tell you is that it works for me. And works well.

This webpage brought to you by porn. Have you looked at porn lately?

I'll tell you this much, drinking really strong screwdrivers out of pint glasses with Big Gay Randy on a Sunday evening is one hell of a good time. I think I may have born to drink. And drink well.

You know what I'm talking about.

Saturday, February 8, 2003

autumn austin   I   damn   I   lesbians rule

Today was the White Tanks mtb race, located way the fuck out in the scenic west valley. I guess that's where they're talking about putting the new Cardinals football stadium instead of downtown with the rest of the sports complex shit. I think that may be the stupidest idea I've ever heard. But that is another story, today was about racing. And unicycles.

Along the lines of stupid, today's race went something like this. Drive up from Tucson Friday night. Sleep on Nic and Randy's floor. Get up a 5:45. Drink a whole lotta coffee. Eat breakfast. Drink a whole lot more coffee.

Drive 800 miles to the west side. Pay the five dollar parking fee. Discuss with Randy why that is really necessary. Pay to race, pay to park, pay pay pay.

Ok, warm up with Pounds of Bounds while Big Gay Randy starts off to ride the course on his unicycle. Good to talk to Bounds before the race, 'cause I ain't gonna see much of him once the flag drops. Wonder if it's going to rain, and wish you brought more clothes.

Get to the start gate and moo about like cattle. Talk a whole lotta shit with Dru and Kyle and the rest of the fucks. Admire Jimbo's attire. You simply must see his Roman Leather Victory Parade Fuck Jacket in person to fully appreciate its greatness.

My words alone cannot begin to do this garment justice.

The race starts and we're rocking and reeling in Auckland, New Zealand. Fuck, this isn't getting any easier. We're kicking ass, and I think I'm the last wheel in the front group of ten to twelve riders. I look behind me. Yep, I'm the last one.

Dru, who isn't really that far back, starts yelling at me. Something like, "I still see you fat boy."

Great.

Lap one of three down and I don't mind telling you, I'm feeling a little sporty. I'm powering up one of the short little climbs and my bike makes a bad noise. You know what I'm talking about. The kind of thing where at first you don't really know what it is, you just know that it's bad.

I roll though the next wash and realize what has happened. I've broken a spoke in my rear wheel.

Oh, hell no. Not now. Not today.

Ok, its not to bad, it's not hitting the frame. Just a slight wobble. I can ride this. It's broke off on the drive side, so I can't pull it out. I wrap the little bastard up around the spoke next to it and undo the brakes. Oh, this is so going to suck. Front brake only from here on out.

I'm underway again, and I catch the two guys that passed my during my short repair session. Could be worse, I tell myself, at least I can finish. Of course, the race isn't even half over yet. I see Big Gay Randy standing on a rock and tell him about my broken spoke. He said something back, but I'll be damned if it made any sense.

Lap two sucks. Lap two is where we run straight into the little kids and beginner classes they start right after the single speed folks. Chaos would be a good word to describe lap two.

I manages to catch the guys who passed me, but getting by them is going to be a much different story. Not to mention the trail is absolutely choked with carnage. It is so totally fucked.

Little kids, scared out of their fucking minds just about come to a complete stop when you try to get by. I always tell 'em things like, looking good buddy, keep up the good work, and stuff like that to encourage them. I don't want them to stop, or worse, wreck.

But, sadly, I did see on little chappy after the race with a broken arm. His Dad said he was "cut off" by a single speeder. I think it is completely unnecessary that some little dude has to get his arm broken 'cause he's not going as fast as someone twice his age in the single speed class.

We're all out there to have fun, not kill each other This is something we really need to address for next year. One wrecked kid is one to many as far as I'm concerned.

Now, if you think riding the rock strewn shit pipe downhills of the White Tanks course is scary with brakes, you should try it sometime without. Think terror, and you're in the right neighborhood. I shit my pants. Twice.

I was screaming for Jesus to save me a couple of times as my hands started to cramp from the death grip I had on the bars. I can't slow down, I might as well hang on for dear life. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, said my calming inner voice. Sometimes it was my very outer voice as well.

I just about ate shit and died one time, but I managed to keep the rubber side down for the rest. I went pretty fast actually, maybe I should ride without rear brakes in more races?

Now, I'm almost done with this fucking thing. At the end of lap number three, a guy from Full Cycle and I are gunning it. I had passed him at some point early in the lap and he's not far behind me. Like, he's right behind me. He's yelling, "here I come" and I'm pedaling my balls off trying to stay ahead of him.

I don't think either one of us were looking at a top ten stop. But, it was fun anyway. Why not, right?

So, I finally get a bit ahead of this guy and I come into the finishing straight and I go the wrong way around the cones and miss the finish line.

I had to turn around, ride back and watch my new buddy roll in ahead of me laughing.

I wanted to fucking kill myself.

Well, several hours and several beers later I no longer wish for the death of my new friend. I can accept the fact that I am a fucking loser and I'm destined to fail. I'm cool with that. But, God damn it would've been nice to catch a break today.

There you have it folks, one more for the history books.

Friday, February 7, 2003

nikki nova   I   sky lopez   I   chloe jones

I've been having loads of problems getting into my own webpage these last few days, so the updates are a bit behind. I'll see what I can do to rectify this little problem for next week.

Biker down! Biker down!

Went out with the gnome today and rode the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo course today. I can't wait to almost kill myself out there next weekend.

I won't be satisfied with anything less than three days in the hospital after its over. I'm aiming for a deviated septum, liver disease and full blown aids. Sounds a bit like Ragbrai, doesn't it?

Did you know the same Bill O'Reilly who was all upset about Ludicris being a Pepsi spokesperson, referred to Mexicans as "wet backs" on National tv last night?

"O'REILLY: Oh, I am with you there. You've got to get the high-tech stuff there. But I'll tell you what. I've talked to the commanders, and they tell me, look, you deploy us down there, we stop the drug traffic dead, we stop it dead, all right. They're not even going to try. We'd save lives because Mexican wetbacks, whatever you want to call them, the coyotes -- they're not going to do what they're doing now, all right, so people aren't going to die in the desert."

This is a man who went on record as saying that Ludicris is "a man who is demeaning just about everybody, and is peddling antisocial behavior" and then concluded "Obviously Pepsi could not care less about... children, because they're promoting a man that espouses violence, degrading sex, and substance abuse". You would think O'Reilly of all people, being so high and mighty, would know better than to refer to a Mexican man as a 'wetback'.

Who is demeaning and peddling anti-social behavior now?

It seems Mr. O'Reilly forgot his own advice. "And the Pepsi brain trust should remember what Machiavelli once said, "When you dine with the devil, bring a long spoon."

Yes, indeed you should. And when you drink with the Devil, wear a drunkcyclist t-shirt.

Smooth move, O'Reilly. I hope you get your sorry ass shitcanned for this one. Maybe Trent Lott has some work for you helping clean out his office.

Click here to email your thoughts to Mr. O'Reilly.

And fuck these guys too. "Bicycle boxing" they call it. Great. I hope it doesn't catch on around here.

Of course, this is the wild, wild west and somebody will just end up getting shot. And nobody wants that.

From: robersdrunk Subject: Re: I will break you I would be honored to have you "break" me, sir, however I have one minor point to raise. That being sir, the fact that a piece of shit doesn't really "break". The physical reaction closest to "breaking" might be more of a "bend" at best, however I would predict that the most likely result of that action would be for the "shit" to squeeze through the spaces between your fingers when subjected to the pressure exerted in attempt to "break" me. I hope you find the experiment at the very least, sir, educational. Good Day to you. Now go fuck your self.

My man Marco sent this link. Hoo daddy, that is nice. You are really gonna enjoy that. I know I did.

Have you recovered yet?

Thurday, February 6, 2003

zdenka podkapova   I   nikki nova   I   jenna jameson

Ah, another fine day in paradise. Some folks told me I should post more shit about my training. You know, like what kind of riding I'm doing these days.

Training?

Today I rode up the east side of Gates Pass three times in a 53 - 19. Each time took me 8 minutes. Then I rode home. Total ride time this afternoon, two hours.

Not to exciting, eh? I mean, not like this email.

From: Mike Subject: Dude, wassup? Hey man, Bear with me, I've been beerin' it up tonight! Been visitin' your site pretty much on a daily basis for the past year and a half. Got a lot of good laughs out of it man, good stuff...some decent bitchas to gaze upon too...and I respect anyone who speaks his mind. Always. You get props for that, bigtime. Way to go, keep it up. Yeah...I'm a bike messenger in Montreal (Canada) and cyclists' don't get any more hardcore than us, buddy. You better believe it. So I think you're for real. But dude, you been whinin' like a BITCH lately...and I mean WHININ' like a BIYATCH! So yeah, it's your site and you get to do what the hell you want with it man...but a couple 'o guys play a prank on ya and you be wailing like some highschool cunt, posting their email addresses up and everything. Fuck. Jonny, wassup? I like you man. I respect you. Don't let me down, man. Give me a shout, lemme know you BE for REAL, muthafucka! Yeah, post my email address up if you want to as well dude, I ain't no whinin' bitch! Fuck. Ride hard hard, play hard, drink hard, crash hard...then ride some more!

You know what? You're pretty much right. Fuck whining. I don't whine.

Ok, I did whine.

I wanted to bust some balls. So I did. Fuck. I think I'll yank the emails. I mean, fuck, what's the point? Fuck it. Email addys gone.

Go and check out hoslap.net. I got 223 mph on my first try. I am now a Super Pimp.

That's right ladies, I keep my pimp hand strong.

I'll put this next link in the "oh my god" category. Holy shit, what a dream come true. Click here for some kick ass outdoor, clothing optional aerobics.

Thanks to none other than the late, great Charles Bukowski for the link. You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. He is also a badass Amsterdam Cycle Messenger too apparently. Who knew?

From: Don Ho Subject: This sucks Yo Jonny, I rode twenty miles today-I'm in minnesota, the temp is 7,my toes are black, I danced the macaraina for a half hour till the pain went away, thank god my local liquor store had huber bock by the case on sale-it's like jack daniels in a beer bottle -i'm on eighteen an the rest is on ice, you fuckers down south have it made -but come june when it's 120 down there it might still be 50 here and the chicks will still be fat -----I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!

Hey now, who loves bio pace? Yeah, we all do.

I personally cannot wait until it's 120 down here. Bring it on.

From: Brad Subject: must see site http://www.takebackthemedia.com/bushnonazi.html. Bush is not a Nazi, so stop saying that! Oh yeah, I just started a website to inform people of the PA state game lands trail closure. it is http://www.ridesgl.us. It needs a lot more work but I have a boatload of info to post on there, I just need time to type it all in. cycling is a revolution, ride on

Yeah, Bush isn't a Nazi. Not at all.

Go read this little ditty about starting over.

Wednesday, February 5, 2003

veronica vanoza   I   lexy west   I   roxy carter

Turns out I've been had. Ouch. Oh well, it comes with the territory I suppose. Click here to make your own fan sign.

This is the one I just made. Have fun with it, just stop sending it to me.

So, I pulled the boobs002 pic. Damn shame too, I kinda liked it.

Check out this link, GeorgeWBuy. It's American on the auction block.

I've gotten a lot of letters lately about the new Ragbrai route, and I think this may be the best one.

From: Dave Subject: Ragbrai, the beginning… the end Good day, ladies and gentlemen, Well, they gone and done it: released the Ragbrai route for the 2003 edition of the ride. As I and many others had guessed, the route is indeed a southern one, including all towns I have had the pleasure in overnighting in before. Unfortunately I cannot recall any of them, or events occurring within, but I can remember some of the roads leading into them, and with these memories I conjure images of pain. Hills. Southern Iowa. Smaller towns (if that's possible) warmer weather (if that's possible) more farms (if that's possible). But above all, I recall hills. Lots of them. It will be painful if unprepared, so I ask that you ask yourself what you'll need to do in order to ride in a manner according with Evil standards. It pains me to say this, for I too will have to cater bits of my riding program to increase my climbing ability as elevation and I are sworn enemies, but I look forward to the challenge, and the spectacular views as well. I look forward to getting astonishingly shitfaced, too. 2003 Route: Glenwood - Shenandoah - Bedford - Osceola - Oskaloosa - Bloomfield - Mt. Pleasant - Ft. Madison Egads. Cockfuckers. Ballslappers. Regards, Dave

I can hardly wait. I think I'll start training now. Must drink more beer.

Speaking of Ragbrai, check out this next letter.

From: Tom Subject: BRR and Boners Dude, you missed a hell of a bike event this weekend. You really must try to make it next year. No snow this year. Balmy 40 degrees. Semi-sunny. Shorts weather. Drunk as ten indians. Just like RAGBRAI. Check out this website Team Morning Boner http://www.tconl.com/~dutch/index.html Go ahead and link it if you like. The owner is curious to see if all the traffic you would send will melt it down. Fuck me. Haven't had a drink in about 32 hours and I'm still kinda hungover. Shotgun?

I'm sorry that I missed it. To be honest, Iowa in winter sounds like the third ring of hell. I like my sunshine, oh yes I do.

There used to be a group of guys in Phoenix that raced the state mtb series and called themselves Bemho. Big early morning hard on. Good times.

From: Tom Subject: Studies show… A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected...

I'll just keep rolling out the joke emails, 'cause I gots a few of 'em today.

From: June-Bug Subject: joke Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. ha, ha, ha, I am so evil on Monday....=P

Yes, you are evil.

I'm not sure it's just on Mondays, though…

In case you are wondering which pro cyclist you most closely resemble, you can take this online quiz. It was put together by a guy named Greg.

Seems some of my "friends" across the pond have plans for me. Big plans.

From: Chipps Subject: And then We're going to tie you up and drop you in the middle of Wales with no money, wearing satin shorts and a wife-beater in the rain and see how you get on... http://www.streetmap.co.uk/streetmap.dll?G2M?X=315000&Y=365000&A=Y&Z=5

Ah, you bunch of fucks you. I love you guys.

Tuesday, February 4, 2003

lexy   I   krystal steal   I   jenna jameson

Right off the top, let me get this out of the way. I've got a new batch of stickers on the way. I've been told they are in the mail this week. I sent out the last ones I had in stock a few days ago, and I've got at least five people waiting for some. I'm sorry about the delay, but I will get them out to you as soon as I can.

Rock out with your cock out.

Finally, a race report from one of the homeboys.

From: Jason Tullous Subject: Race Report #Uno Straight from the Copa Jumex Nacional de Mexico #1, Well the racing has begun for me but just a little further south than I am accustomed----Hermasillo, Mexico for stop #1 of the Mexican National Series. First the course is one of the best I have ridden like a roller coaster and 60% viewable from the start finish area. We raced 4 12 kilometer laps in about 85 degree heat. Lap 1, I sat in a group of 3. It was slow but everytime I went to the front, this rider from Argentina tried pushing me off the side of the mountain--no bueno. So I sat in behind him and Ziranda Madrigal---the Mexican National Champion. By the end of the lap, there was 7 in the group. I finally made it to the front to slim down the group. In 10 min up the first climb, only Ziranda survived. Then came a technical section so I tested Ziranda and got a gap and the gap grew so I pushed more. By the end of the lap, I had 1.5 min with my sponsor telling me to slow and not to bonk. I pushed more and had 3 min by the next lap with a group of 5 working together to catch me---no bueno. The wind blew fierce but I had saved some for the last lap. By the finish, the crushing power of the TEXAN had put over 5 min on the grouppetto----they sprinted to be the first loser. Soon as I cross the line----line up for photos with Jumex trophy girls and blubber bad spanish in the post race interview. I even made the local paper and television. I am happy and $$$ happy and a new sponsor Mexico Xtreme--a new xtreme sport magazine--- to take care of expenses to more Mexican Nationals. The STXC was similar. Windy and very fast but Speed Bikes loaded the field with some fast roadies. Roadies can be good. Scott Keller and David Salmon kept attacking off the front while I sat in. They finally got a gap with two other guys. I slowed up the group to get the gap substantial. Then I bridged with one other guy. David Salmon and I kept the pace high to keep the group off along with Turbo Ziranda. On the last lap, I jumped with 500meters left and took the win by a bike length. David took 5th and Scott 6th. Keep tuned for the Tour de Sol starting this Thursday. Rumor has it that Trent Klasna has fallen and pulled his hamstring----bad for Saturn, Good for us. ===== Jason "It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether I win or lose."

I am now scared to train with Tex.

And a hurt Klasna? That will be a good thing for a lot of guys next week. No disrespect to Klasna, quite the opposite. If he's there, he's going to be strong enough to dictate the race. That guy is frightening.

As I rode back through one of Tucson's many fine ghettos the other day, I saw a car on the side of the road with three bullet holes in it. It just makes you feel all warm inside doesn't it?

This afternoon Snake and I drove up to Phoenix for the first Tuesday night criterium. I raced the C race, stayed in the group and just tried to go fast. Then I rode the B race and did pretty much the same thing. I'm actually surprised I didn't get popped as the B race started exactly one cool down lap after the first race ended. No rest for the wicked and all that. Seems I might have a bit more speed in the legs than I thought.

Snake raced the A race, lapped the field with three other dudes, including one of our favorites here at drunkcyclist, Ham Fist Forbes. Snake just about won the field sprint as well, I think he was second. But, what do I know? I was already drinking the fine keg beer on hand by that time.

I can tell you this much about it: He wins, I don't, that's life.

I wanted to thank the guys who put that whole thing together. They did a fine job. Great event. I think I just might do it again in a week or two.

Monday, February 3, 2003

zoe   I   kitana baker   I   nikki dial   I   contest

This may be the greatest link ever sent to me. I give you the Brazilian rear of the year.

That is the nicest collection of ass I have ever seen in my life. Thanks to Joe T from Charlotte for the link.

And Bush is totally nuts. I really think he might be the fucking anti-christ sometimes.

From: filthy lover Subject: daddy's gonna buy you a pain cave Hey big man tried to race the first race of the season however due to my rigorous training plan I managed one practice lap(4.5 miles) and one lap of the race before me an my housemate got board and cold and tired and went home to hot food and hot showers! the plan now is to add a lap with each race we do until we finish a race, its a shitty plan but it is what we are playing for! -- the horse lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music.

Phil you mother fucker. You've got it all figured out. I've got to ask, what the fuck are you limeys doing starting your race series in fucking February? Leave that shit to us desert dwellers, you're just gonna hurt yourself.

Hope you're having fun on that wind swept, gin soaked rock out in the Atlantic. I'll think of you when I'm out working on my tan tomorrow.

I met this guy, Mike Jones on one of the group rides. I think it went something like this, "hey jonny, like the site." "yeah?", gasp, wheez, "good." Cough, hack. Then I get dropped.

Story of my fucking life.

Turns out Mike is keeping a riding diary over at spokepost. Funny shit, I'd recommend it. Fuckers ankle is as big around as my thigh, and that my friends, is fucking huge.

From: Velma Subject: Re: BRR Oh man if you do not make it here next year for the BRR you are nuts!! Way too much fun for one little girl. PS I got laid

Right on girlfriend, we're all proud of you. Did ya do it in the snow?

I'm glad to hear you had a good time. I had fun in the sun down here. I rode 170 miles this weekend. But, I didn't drink any beer, nor did I get laid.

So, you are leading the points category for now.

Represent.

     
  

Sunday, February 2, 2003

helena hemanova   I   gauge   I   nikki nova

This next little ditty will seem a bit late, but after the space shuttle went to shit yesterday, I just couldn't bring myself to post anything else. So, read on dear friends. Tomorrow is another day.

In case you're wondering why Gord Fraser came in at 134th place at the Tour de Langkawi, I think this pic says it all. Ain't that a bitch. Charles Dionne was also caught up in the same crash, and ended up in the hospital. Not good.

For more on the crashes, click here and here.

Looks like Fraser was all up in it today, came it 11th.

For the first time ever on the usage files, the phrase "drunk cyclist" is above "Jenna Jameson" on the search string list. I imagine that will change in a day or two, since it is only the first of the month. Others on the list include.

anal
hotties
36 mm boobs
funny porn
athlete octane sale
baboon ass
crack tylersroom
fireman pinup
fixed gear tt
http://www.flashyourrack.com

Now athlete octane makes sense to me. I love that stuff, that magic elixir. I'd recommend it highly.

The latest Arizona regional team to get all serious is Construction Zone. You can read all about the roster and sponsors at cyclingnews.com. Do they send me a press release? No, they don't. I get to read about like everyone else.

Greg, I still know where you live and I will show up with Big Gay Randy for a fridge purging expedition. Ice cream, gone. Cookies, gone. Every Heineken, gone. You have been warned.

Saturday, February 1, 2003

cnn   I   msnbc   I   abc

Well, fuck it.

Whatever update I had planned it pretty much out the window.

Bob Multer was beginning a quiet Saturday morning when a "wide band" of debris and a "loud and intense roar" ripped through the clear winter sky over East Texas.

Multer said he heard a tornado-like sound that "shook the house for a good minute" about 8 a.m. (9 a.m. EST), when the space shuttle Columbia, rocketing towards a Florida landing at 12,500 miles an hour, broke apart about 200,000 feet above the Earth.

The Space Shuttle Columbia and everyone on board is gone, gone, gone.

Here is a couple of possible explanations of what happened from time.com.

What a fucking mess. My heart goes out to the families and friends of those who died today.

From: William Subject: buzz kill for todays ride Planned to ride today. It's cold, it's raining, the trails are as slick as greased owl-shit, but I was gonna ride. Then this. The shuttle. I grew up across the street from Johnson Space Center. I literally lived on NASA Rd. It may be hard to understand, but a part of me has been ripped away. I am crushed. I was tuning up my bike, watching TV when the news came in. I called my mother immediately. She still earns her living planning shuttle missions. She was crying on the phone. "Oh My God" she kept saying. I wish I could be there for her. But she is 1000 miles away. I hope she will be OK. She knew some of those astronauts. She is crushed. She and everyone from my home town feel like they have lost family. Remember how you felt on 9-11? For those people, it's the same sense of pain. But it's almost worse. They are all trying to figure out how they, personally, could have prevented it. They are all trying to figure out what they might have done wrong. They are hoping against hope. I am not a religious person. But I am praying today. I hope some of your readers will do the same.

I'll try to be funny tomorrow.