I hope everyone had a fine Christmas. Presents and booze, a match made in heaven. I know Snake got a real nice gift this year. Because I gave it to him.

I also know it was a hit, because his girlfriend didn't know if I was being serious or not.

Perfect. Just perfect.

I re-gifted this insane plastic clock/keepsake box thing my wife got somewhere. She had wanted to take it to the GoodWill. But, no, it was far too good for that type of unloading. You just can't allow such an opportunity to slip through your fingers.

So, I re-gifted it to Snake.

I'm sure he's already thrown it through my front window.

We're tight like that.

This traveling thing could grow on a brother. Sure, I'm on my sister's floor down in Phoenix right now. Sorry, Scottsdale. Keep forgetting that. Anyway, good times. Lots of food and pleasant riding weather. I'm lovin' it.

I was sick for about five days or so, and not really back up to speed yet. Seems everyone is getting some kind of flu these days, and I was no exception.

I don't know about you, but this scares the hell out of me.

For sheezy.

From: Zeke Subject: All I wanted for Christmas was a fixie A Cyclist's Christmas Story By Kent Peterson Dedicated to the memory of Jean Parker Shepherd 1921-1999 ----------------------------------------------- It's been years now, but I'll never forget that Christmas... The days had grown short, the snow had begun to fall and my friends and I were all gathered around old man Petersen's bike shop in the center of town. Flick had his eyes on a Raleigh Pro with a full Campy gruppo and my kid brother's heart was set on Redline BMX bike but I knew there was only one bike for me. It hung from a pair of hooks above the window, gleaming with elegance and old world sophistication. Hand built by a man who was already an old legend when Coppi first won the Giro, the simple frame would not be cluttered with deraillers or an excessive amount of cable. No, this was a pure bicycle, the holy grail of human powered vehicles -- a fixed gear! road bike. Not a track bike, we didn't have a track in my town, but a champion's road training bike. One tiny front brake that gleamed like a jewel. A single chain ring and a single cog joined by the absolute minimum amount of chain into a mechanism as precise as a Swiss watch. The bike was the very embodiment of craftsmanship put into the service of speed and athletic excellence. It was a bicycle that had no business being in my small town, but there it was, calling to me. Each day on the way home from school I stop by that window, longing to see the object of my mania, fearing that someday it would be gone, sold to someone less than worthy to appreciate it for what it was -- the perfect bicycle. But each day I'd hold my breath as I'd round the corner by Petersen's shop and each day I'd see the bike and let my breath out slowly in something that was half a whistle and half a prayer. I'd carefully calculated the rate of my accumulation of allowance and the cost of the bike and determined that the odds were I would die of old age before I'd ever be riding that bike down the streets of my town. But Christmas was coming and I'd been good so maybe there was a chance. I'd have to approach it just right, however. My mother, knowing nothing of the subtlety and timing involved, caught me off guard. "So Ralphie, what do you want for Christmas?" I was young, I was impetuous, I was certain. Before I could stop myself I blurted out, "I want an Italian-built, Columbus-tubed fixed gear bike!" A look of horror crossed my mother's face, "You'll blow your knees out!" She said this with a tone of absolute certainty, like she'd just predicted the sun would rise in the morning. It was the classic mother fixed gear block. No amount of reasoning known to kiddom could counter that, so I beat a hasty retreat. "Oh yeah, heh heh," I said, "I guess a mountain bike would be fine." A mountain bike? Good grief, what was I saying? She'll never buy it. But she wasn't listening, "I don't want you riding around a fixed gear. They're dangerous and you'll blow your knees out." My old man looked over the edge of the copy of Velo News he was reading, "Fixed gear, eh?" he grunted, "can't coast, you know." Oh boy, did I know. No shifting, no coasting, no problem! A fixed gear would be the bike that would make me a man, a bike where every climb and descent would be a test of strength and skill. In once instant I would have to be strong and in the next I would have to spin like a caffineated phonograph record and always, always, I would have to be paying attention. It was a bike that would test me and teach me and make me into a cyclist. Fortunately the conversation drifted onto my kid brother's desire for the Redline, so I was free to concentrate on new schemes to obtain my dream bike. My next chance came from a most unexpected source, my English teacher Mrs. Brown. "I want you to write a theme," she proclaimed one day. We groaned. "The subject of this theme is 'What I want for Christmas'." Here, I brightened. This was my chance. An eloquently written them on the virtues of fixed gear riding would surely earn me an A. When I proudly showed the A plus theme to my mother, she'd be swayed by my powers of erudite persuasion and have no choice but to buy me the bicycle. Here was a plan that could not fail. That night, I wrote fervently, like a man possessed. The first sentence came easily and the rest of the words tumbled quickly out of me like blood from a fatal wound. Oh yes, I was constructing a masterpiece! This is what I wrote: What I want for Christmas What I want for Christmas is a fixed gear bicycle with an Italian-built Columbus tube frame. I think a fixed gear bicycle makes a good Christmas present. I don't think a derailler bike makes a very good gift. Perfect. When Mrs. Brown reads this she'll have to give me an A! It didn't work out quite the way I'd planned. Mrs. Brown hadn't seemed to realize the importance of my manuscript when I'd handed it to her and now 24 hours later it was judgement day. The papers were passed back and I looked at my grade. There must be some mistake! Here where it should have said A plus, plus, plus there was a big, ugly C. And what's this? She'd written a comment on the paper. There in her precise, school teacher printing, were the dreaded words: "You'll blow your knees out!" Oh no, this is horrible. I was running out of time. I needed a new plan and a new ally. Santa Clause was my last chance. Sure, I was getting a little old to believe in Santa but when the days dwindle down to a precious few, even the most agnostic of kids realizes that it costs nothing to believe and the upside potential is huge. So, like every year, we trundled down to Lohman's department store and while mom and the old man wandered about the store, my brother and I waited in line with 400 other bet-hedging beggars to have a minute of pleading with the old guy in the red suit. We were in the line for hours. The store was just about to close when it was my kid brother's turn on Santa's knee. My brother stared at the big man, opened his mouth and began to wail like a new-born fire engine. A surly elf scooped him up and sent him careening down Santa's bobsled run. Now it was my turn, my chance. "Well, little boy, ! what should Santa bring you this year?" I froze. Here was my chance. I was face to face with the big man and I couldn't think of a thing. I sat there, dumbstruck. I tried to make my mouth work, but nothing came out. The surly elf began to drag me away and Santa said "How about a nice gel saddle?" I nodded dumbly and the elf tossed me onto the iced slide. What was I doing? Somehow I regained the use of my muscles and my voice. I grabbed the edge of the slide, looked up at Santa and declared, "I want an Italian-built, Columbus-tubed fixed gear bike!" I'd done it! Santa looked down at me with a twinkle in his eye and a chuckle in his throat. As his big, black boot, kicked me down the ice slide I heard him say "A fixed gear? You'll blow your knees out!" Finally the big day arrived. Like every year my brother and I had pooled our ! resources and gotten the old man a big tin of Brooks Proofide. We got mom got riding gloves which said was just what she needed. She says that every year. My brother did OK, with his big gift being the Redline.. I got the usual assortment of chains, water bottles and a particularly hideous gift from my aunt Cora. Aunt Cora suffers from the belief that I am permanently four years old and a girl. This year the gift was pink helmet cover with rabbit ears and a matching pink jersey with a fluffy cotton tail on the middle pocket. My mom proclaimed it adorable and the old man said I looked like a deranged Easter Bunny and I wouldn't have to wear it. We'd torn through all the packages and I'd lost all hope when the old man said "Say, what's that behind the desk?" The box was big and the tag said "To: Ralphie from Santa." As I tore into the box with wild abandon my parents didn't think I could hear them whispering. My mom s! aid, "I thought we'd talked about this..." but the old man waved her concerns aside with a simple "I had one when I was his age." Surrounded by the torn wrapping paper it was even more beautiful than it'd been in the window of Petersen's. I ran my hands lovingly over the leather saddle and looked at the old man, "Can I...," I began to ask. "Go on," he replied while my mother looked concerned and said "I still say those things are dangerous." I carefully wheeled it out the door and down the driveway. I clipped my right foot in, started it rolling and hopped on. As I tried to drive my left foot into the clip, I stupidly tried to coast. The bike would have none of that, but I didn't fall over. I just rolled down the street, pedaling one-footed while frantically stabbing at the left pedal with my left foot. Eventually, I got my foot in the left clip. I turned the corner onto Mountain Park Boulevard and as I did one of the Bum! pus's hounds came out of nowhere and gave chase. Our neighbor's the Bumpus's have a hundred and eleventy mean old coon dogs and this was the biggest, meanest hungriest one. He let out a bark and gave chase. I punched the pedals for all I was worth and flew up the hill. The dog panted, slowed and then gave up. I was doing it, I was winning, I was invincible! Mountain Park Boulevard gets really steep just before the crest and just as I was reaching the summit, I heard a "pop". Not my tire, my left knee. Oh no, I'd blown my knee out! With tears in my eyes, I crested the hill. I had no choice but to pedal for all I was worth, frantically keeping up with the spinning cranks as I descended. My knee was throbbing as I wound through the street leading back to home. As I pulled into the driveway, I could see it had swollen noticeably and I began to cry again. My mom came rushing out, "Ralphie, what's wrong?!" Oh oh, time to think fast. I can't tell her I blew my knee out. "I, I hit a patch of ice and crashed on my knee," I lied. Not bad for fiction on a deadline, I thought. "Those ice patches have been know to kill people!" Mom clucked in a worried tone, "let me take a look at that knee..." "I'll take care of it, Ralphie," said the old man, stepping in and taking charge. He gave me a look that let me know that while Mom might have bought the story, he was having none of it. We walked, slowly up to the bathroom. I knew I was in for it now. The old man closed the door and I braced myself for the yelling. It never came. He took the liniment from the medicine cabinet and said, "your Mom's right about the ice Ralph, but you also have to be careful not to push too hard, too fast. You've got to let the tendons and ligaments develop along with those muscles. That's the way the pro's do it." And that was it. No yelling, no being g! rounded from riding. He did mention that since I'd "banged my knee" I should probably take things easy and stick to smaller hills for a while. And they let me keep the bike in my room. I went to sleep dreaming of riding across the Italian countryside or wearing the yellow jersey in the Tour de France. And when I'd wake, there it was: the greatest Christmas gift I'd ever received or ever would receive.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

kaylani   I   cheyenne   I   jenna

It's been around the block twice by now, but still funny. Check out the snow globe. Give that fucker a shake and straight up ruin Christmas for an unlucky few. Don't forget to just let that thing play out for awhile and watch what happens. People hitting each other with shovels, snowmen eating people. In short, Christmas.

How cool is this? Very cool.

Short update, eh?

Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 22, 2003

brittney wells   I   yvette lopez   I   barbie griffin

I was on the road for a bit, even took my computer with me. Did the Gods of the Internet shine on me while I was gone, showering me with plenty of internet connections? Did my laptop behave itself while I was dragging it around?

No.

Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. You are fucked. In the game of life, Mongo is only pawn. That and I'm stuck in this fucking spider hole, and who are all those assholes with the guns?

Roll back into Flagstaff to, are you ready for this, 1,572 emails.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

This will be my last update for a while as I'm hitting the road again. I'll be down in Phoenix for Christmas and Texas soon after. Good old Texas. They'll probably shoot me down there.

Until then, use and abuse the forum at your leisure.

I can't update the main page without my laptop, but I can get to the forum anytime I can get online. Which was a sum total of nada last time out. But I feel good about this one.

Word.

God damn I'm tired. I've just spent the better part of a week taking a bunch of crap out of a storage unit in one state and driving it to another. Yep, that's what happens when you get old like me. You collect bullshit. I'm up to my eyeballs in it.

And I just can't throw the shit away.

I am so fucked.

So, I'm sitting here crawling through a fucking avalanche of email. How in the fuck am I going to start replying to people? Jeez. Ok, look for something from Mom first. Wife is here with me, and so is the Old Man, so, lets see. Yup, I'm fucked.

Good thing I've got plenty of beer in the fridge. Damn good thing.

I had better be getting me another one.

Did I mention I'm tired? Fucking moving tons of shit around in a rental truck will break you. It broke me. Three solid days of driving to get all that shit down here from Idaho. Damn skippy.

Last weekend, the one that seems a life time ago, I rode from Phoenix to Tucson on Saturday, then turned around and rode back on Sunday. Make for a 13 hour, about 220 mile weekend.

Way easier than driving for three days. The shit road food, sleeping in hotels. I tell ya, I'm a mess. A friggin mess.

Good thing I can sleep in my own bed tonight.

Aight, I'm out. Merry Christmas everyone. I'll update when I can.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

ashton   I   alyssa   I   veronica

I can see why I link Veronica Zemanova as much as I do. God damn.

For all of those who doubt my hardness, I was out splitting wood in back yard today. It was in the thirties, and it was snowing on me.

Thank you very much.

I still rode my trainer in the living room and watched the '97 Giro. Gotti is a bad, bad man.

A couple of emails right off the bat.

From: Kevin Subject: Mike's SUV rant rocked ...so I cannot improve on it, but I will offer up this site: commutercars.com Smaller cars are what we need. And this thing seats two!! They just got to get the price down a bit... Oh yeah, 0-100kph in about 4.0 seconds - for an electric. Yikes!! I bet the Shrub administration is beating this idea down into submission (yeah, let's give tax breaks to H2 buyers but not for this space, fuel & safety friendly unit).

Right on man, thanks for the link. OH, I like links. I'm pretty sure my big lanky yankee ass wouldn't fit up in that bitch. I've got, or my wife has, a Honda Civic. And that is an act in contortionism to drive.

From: Walter Subject: Truth Uncovered (documentary exposing Bush's lies) Jonny, I would like to recommend a DVD that is available that exposes the lies of Bush and his administration preceding the war against Iraq. www.truthuncovered.com I'll let the site speak for itself. However the notion is to get this story out there and the producers are recommending home/community screenings and duplications. That's it. Thanks again.

More good new coming out of Iraq. Yeah baby. I feel like river dancing.

Shit.

Anyone else down for some chicken sandwiches?

From: Hyland Subject: Gore and Nadar and Bush and stats and, well no bikes… Hello sir, I wanted to pass these stats along to you. If in think about it just a little, I am sending them along to try to defend myself for voting for Nader. Keep up the good work. Hyland North California www.fec.gov/pubrec/2000presgeresults.htm Total 2000 election results, from the federal government: Bush 50,456,002 47.87% Gore 50,999,897 48.38% Nader 2,882,955 2.74% (Votes from all parties combined) cnn.com/ELECTION/2000/results/index.epolls.html Exit returns- votes by party, from CNN and MSNBC: Party Identification All Gore Bush Buchanan Nader Democrat 39 % 86 % 11 %* 0 % 2 % Republican 35 % 8 % 91 % 0 % 1 % Independent 27 % 45 % 47 % 1 % 6 % 2%= 57,659 Democrats voted for Nader *11%= 5,550,560 Democrats voted for BUSH!!! (2,882,955 =Nader's total votes from all parties COMBINED)

Just the facts, ma'am.

What a surprise. The "don't ask, don't tell" policy doesn't work.

Who saw that coming?

This next one is a hit right out of the park.

From: Graf Subject: Like 'em round Hee, hee, I think I "dated" ( well, for a longish weekend, a couple of years ago) Suzie (" Like 'em round" - 12/8/030 - her name then - Glenda) because she was so weird - so much, so slutty, so fat, so over the top, so like you've never been completely entombed by breast of mass destruction ... i swear, I asked my friend, Jake, who I sold her phone number to, and he says, "yes, that's her" ... I know we're slaughtering our own children and others in Iraq and screwing is just sport but, heh, heh, it's a strange, little world ... BTW, tried a White concentric cam hub on my singlespeed project and it beats a Singulator - clean looking chainline and minimal $$ over the hang down ...

Statistics alone would dictate if I link an average of three girls, and I have an average of six and a half thousand people read the page each day, sooner or later I guy is going to see a girl he boinked.

Better odds than winning the lottery.

And speaking of lottery, that's sorta like a raffle, and Overman just had one to benefit Greg Brooks, a fine man in Illinois. He's from Dixon, Ronald Reagan's home town.

Kinda makes you wonder, how come Greg is cool and Ronnie is an ass?

From: Jason Subject: Greg Brooks Raffle Here are the winners of the Greg Brooks raffle. Drunkcyclist vest - Bill Kopanda Free entry into 24 Hrs of Old Pueblo - Marlan Harper Giant frame and fork - Nick Antestenis Lance Armstrong autographed Sports Illustrated - John Little. We took in just shy of $700. Hopefully this will help offset the expenses a little. I would like to thank everyone who bought tickets, and all of the people who kicked in prizes. Thanks to Nike, Andrew @ Crank Brothers, Todd Sadow @ Epic Rides, Brian Platt, and of course Big Jonny himself. Cheers, and see you all on Ragbrai '04

That just plain rocks. Excellent news.

You all did a very good thing.

From: Dru Subject: no subject Alright, I am in need of a bicycle mechanic for the lovely state of AZ at the foothills of south mountain in phoenix. If anyone knows a potential candidate please let me know or direct them to contact me @ email or by phone (480) 706-0858. For those of you in the great white north or dreary midwest, it is 70 and sunny today, perfect riding weather, our doors are wide open & there is 90's rock on the shop Tvo. Hope everyone is having a great holiday season. Ride on, Dru Brooks South Mountain Cycles Phoenix, AZ. (480) 706-0858

More from out man on the street, Pistol Pete.

From: Pete Subject: Re: Response Well, Responses girly showed so we've been keeping a low profile. She's kinda cute even if she makes most men act like fools. A big tittied asian girl will do shit like that. We killed a two liter bottle of cheap rum and all went and got nekkid inna pile last night. I swear those fuckin' German rubbers got some kinda potent sex juju in 'em. Enough of that. We'll be headed south in a few days now. If the nights get below 65 I get cranky. Plus the southern part of the country is fulla tight little Euro girls. Oh yeh, and the state of Oaxaca has a couple nude beaches fulla Mex city girls just lookin' for a man to serve. Anyway, it's been a slow trip this year but we'll keep tryin', ¡Cazart! Pistol Pete

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

red rocks rampage   I   mercedes   I   india

I'd say it's cold. But, I get enough "buck up and fucking take it like a man" email as it is. So, it's not that cold. I've been working on my tan.

Bastards.

I will be heading to the southern, and much warmer, side of this great state of Arizona this weekend. Call me what you will, but I will be riding in a short sleeve jersey and drinking Kool Aid.

Ok, forget that last part. Don't know what I was thinking.

Some cool links from a fella names Larry. So check out heartbreaker.com/heart/home.html and rand0m.org/images/bimmer/.

Ever hear of John Derbyshire? You can read a whole bunch of this stuff here. Occasionally funny, sometimes not. Mostly just pisses me off as you'd expect a writer for the National Review would.

I actually subscribed to that magazine back when I was in college. For a year, think it was. I wanted to try and understand what these conservative cats were thinking. Know thy enemy and all that.

What they believe, in a nutshell: If you are white, Jesus wants you to run the world.

About the debates the other night:

Yes, Lieberman threw in the obligatory jabs at the president. But at other times he sounded like the president, and in a Democratic debate in 2003, that is a true profile in courage."

How about a true profile in political suicide? Sounding "like the President" is now way knock him out of the box. Courage? Please.

Maybe he can replace Cheney?

Did Grover Norquist, the chairman of the Reagan Legacy Project, whatever the fuck that is, use ebonics in his defense of the Reagan on the Dime plan?

"When we put Kennedy on the half dollar, we dropped Ben Franklin," he says. "That wasn't dissing Ben Franklin…"

That's not a dis. This is a dis: You're a fucking asshole.

Discerning readers will see the difference.

Also, Nancy Reagan spoke out against the plan in the same article linked above. Man, these guys have their hands rammed up their own asses.

"While I can understand the intentions of those seeking to place my husband's face on the dime, I do not support this proposal and I am certain Ronnie would not," Mrs. Reagan said Friday. "When our country chooses to honor a great president such as Franklin Roosevelt by placing his likeness on our currency, it would be wrong to replace him with another."

Uh huh.

The Hun.

Oh well. One more thing, I like how Republicans are trying to criticize Dean's post 9/11 response as "weak". Here is a news flash: Dean didn't have a post 9/11 response any more than I did. He's a governor, not the President.

Bush had a response. And he bungled it. End of story. See this for your reading assignment. I expect ten pages on my desk by Tuesday.

Had some fun in the fucked company forum tonight. Ignorance is bliss, eh mother fuckers?

From: Matt Subject: random shite Hey Jonny Know you are a busy man so thought I would send you random entertainment to waste some time with. To save time I do not expect a reply, so you can get on with an update. See, aren't I nice :) G. W. Bush and Tony Blair at the gaybar http://www.rathergood.co.uk/default.asp?nc=7331&id=45 Fight the evil monkey invaders http://www.rathergood.com/monkeyinvaders.htm Pong Fight http://www.rathergood.co.uk/default.asp?nc=437&id=107 Toodle pip

Toodle pip you, buddy. Uh, oops, forgot you were British. Sorry 'bout that. Had you confused with a Canadian.

This little ninja thing seems pretty cool as well.

And, holy shit, these guys are crazy.

From: Chris Subject: Punk out with your junk out Big Guy, Held the Punk Bike Enduro yesterday under blue skies. 75-80 Punks braved the cold for free beer and great trails. Crashing in 6" of fresh snow, priceless! dirtragmag.com/images_public/artdirector/punkbike2.jpg

Yeah baby. Shit looks like fun times. Here is a little something about music. Go 'head and shake your stick at this one time, sweet thang.

From: Tall Todd Subject: music link Hey there. Been listening to a lot of streaming audio lately as I'm tethered to the computer. One of my favorites is WFMU & some better DJ's are The Cherry Blossom Clinic Three Chord Monte Jonesville Station You have stream ahead a while sometimes before you get to the actual featured live show... Takes a little digging around but there are a few gems along the way. Like... Ted Leo and the Pharmacists wfmu.org/listen.ram?show=8251 (scroll ahead to about 39:40 or so) The Paybacks- wfmu.org/listen.ram?show=9220 (scroll ahead to about 1:47:15 or so) Love her voice, especially on Song #2. The Dirtbombs- wfmu.org/listen.ram?show=9291 (scroll ahead to about 2:01:07 or so) Check it out when when/if you have some free time.

There you have it folks, my gift to you.

Don't say I never gave you anything.

God hates us all, and so does Snake. The bastard.

From: Snake Subject: check it and take the test take the test, but I will tell you what you are a Poppin Fresh Dough Boy 2peak.com/tools/strengthfinder.php

Hey douchebag, isn't that right out of the Training Bible? And, now I've got to figure out how to convert everything to metric. God damn it.

This might help.

Well, look at that. I'm a Rouleur.

Tuesday, December 9, 2003

lesbians   I   nice car   I   what's for dinner?

Spent a couple of hours down at the bar, knockin' back a few with Brinky and Big Gay Randy. I'm feelin' fine after a couple of Anchor Steam Christmas ales, I'll tell you that much.

Oh yeah.

Iraq and US soldiers. Houses and bulldozers. Good times.

This is the best, I repeat, best gallery of hot chicks on bicycles I have ever seen, linked to, or dreamed of. I realize this is a matter of opinion, and totally subjective, but, damn. This is the shit. Word up.

And, James, I'm thinking of you right now baby. Enjoy.

The party of sabotage? Well then, so be it.

From: bike league Subject: Chinese city expands bike ban For info. Troubling. Shanghai officials were quoted a year or two ago in London's "Guardian Weekly" as saying, look at all those bicycles, just think how more efficiently we could use the road space if we got most of those people into cars. Now they're taking action. Chinese City Shanghai Expanding Bike Ban Tue Dec 9, 8:47 AM ET by Christopher Bodeen, Associated Press Writer story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/china_bike_ban

Good times.

Bikes bad, cars good.

So much damn music, I don't even know what to do with it. I've got another fine new music link around here somewhere. I'll have to post it tomorrow.

Big Pun defense letter

From: Big Punisher Subject: Fightin' words I am not a man of many words Johnny. I therefore hold my tongue in this particular situation and only say to you, "Fuck You"! One god damned bar on a single Sunday afternoon and only after I downed a liter and a half to your purse carrying pint of beer do I get demoralized as a simp who can't drink worth shit . I mean seriously, I get home from Wade's birthday party at about 11 o'clock pm and what do I see on your site? An attack on my personal skills as a drinker. It's a bunch of nonsense as far as I'm concerned. Shit son, after draining a funkin' yak load of beer in your presence I thought that I could let up a little bit and let the afternoon progress at a natural pace. I guess that type of benevolence is beyond the short sightedness of your cold heart. All I ask is that if I perhaps have an off day, or if I am taking it easy for the sake of stamina, that you not publish my weakness, or strategy as it were, on the goddamned Internet for all to read. Really, that's it, just a bit of common courtesy. All well, what's done is done. I hope you feel better about your self after slandering my image publicly in the finest of fashions. Surely both of your readers must be impressed. Fortunately, I am a forgiving man, in addition to being a drunk man, and am still committed to the DC support crew at the Old Pueblo race.

We'll be glad to have ya.

Monday, December 8, 2003

um, she has braces   I   like 'em round?   I   veronica

I actually had to ask someone what day of the week it was today. Dude, its Monday. Oh yeah.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I woke up to snow this morning. Funny. Ha. Ha. Love it.

Actually, I bitch about it a lot, but I'm glad its snowing, raining, something. We need it, and bad. It's so damn dry around here, it's unreal. Drought city.

From: Kevin Subject: links Big J, Ok, I know I've been writing a lot, but it's almost exam time and I need to procrastinate. That means drinking and web browsing. If you want to see something funny go to google.com and type in these phrases, then hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button. miserable failure French military victories It appears that the people over at google have a pretty good sense of humor.

To funny. There's something about tying "miserable failure" and George Bush together for search engines up in the forum. Check it out.

And just in time for the Holidays. How thoughtful.

This link, findaceleb.com comes highly recommended. I found the site navigation a bit clumsy. But, I guess sites like that only reinforce why this pill party of mine isn't covered with banner ads and the like.

From: dave Subject: Nude cycling in Spain See: unizar.es/pedalea/ciclonudistas/. I found this link on BicycleAustin.info/newsletters/2003-12-05.html which appears to be a pretty good newsletter. Here's a quote from the brief english text: Naked in front of traffic against the oil and car dictatorship and its wars. Reclaim the streets for the people.

Works for me.

Man, maybe all this email is great. I can sit here, sliding slowly farther and farther down off the front of my chair. Just turn my brain off. I don't even have to write stuff. Just let the email work it's magic.

Ah. Email.

From: Pistol Pete Subject: finite world Heya Jon, Keep up the pressure boy. I just read your link to the Guardian story about the industrial powers using up the last of the worlds oil. It just so happens one of the geezers in the R.V. park and I were having the same conversation. He was asserting what a numbskull I am for worrying about a thing that in his opinion could never happen. "After all, look at all these monuments to prosperity parked here in Mazatlan. Do you think the Government is going to force such deserving and noble people as us to live within limits? "He's right in his own way. We are "camped" in a seedy little park with at least 5 million dollars worth of "Campers". Cable T.V., microwaves, king sized beds, the works. The Pacific coast of Mexico is littered with similar or better parks. Shit, they're everywhere. He was insinuating my opinion is suspect because I'm camped in a tent and arrived by bicycle. In as friendly a way as possible I informed him his opinion was worth jack shit because his day is done. He'll be dead in five years and his offspring will be the ones to suffer the consequences of a wrongheaded way of life. After this friendly exchange I invited him and his pals over for cocktails. They didn't show. I'm sure Response and I will be invited to leave here pretty soon. Undesirable element don't you know. Anyway we're off for Nayarit in a day or two. Gonna go hang with some campesino pals of mine, goddamn salt of the Earth. Updates when possible...

Cocktails. What a good idea.

Yep. That guy is just riding out the wave. Sure, it'll hit the beach someday. Parties over and all that. But, why sweat the details now?

From: Chip Subject: Anti-terrorism Please let your reader, Davk, know that it is best to know the facts before opening one's mouth (I'm referring to his letter in which he stated that 9/11/01 wouldn't have happened if "Slick Willie would have done something besides pork fat interns and bomb aspirin factories."). THE FACTS #1 - Bill Clinton tripled the counterterrorism budget for the FBI while doubling counterterrorism funding overall. #2 - Clinton created a top-level nat'l security post to coordinate all federal counterterrorism activity. Richard Clarke was given this role. Mr. Clarke developed a plan to break up al Qaeda cells and arrest their personnel, attack financial support for the terrorist activities, freeze al Qaeda assets, give aid to countries having trouble w/ al Qaeda, and scale up covert activities in Afghanistan. (What? You though our current president developed these ideas?) #3 - Clinton's first bill contained stringent antiterrorism legislation. So did his second. #4 - Immediately after the embassy bombings, Clinton issued a presidential directive authorizing the assassination of Osama bin Laden. THE OPINIONS Washington Post - "By any measure available, Clinton left office having given greater priority to terrorism than any president before him. It was the first administration to undertake a systematic anti-terrorist effort." Paul Bremer (I trust Davk knows who this guy is) - "The Clinton administration had correctly focused on Osama bin Laden." Robert Oakley (Bremer's predecessor) - "Overall I give them high marks.....the only major criticism I have is the obsession with Osama, which made him stronger." There's more, but that's enough for now. I'm hungry and it's time for breakfast. Peace, -C (registered Republican)

I'll just leave it at that.

Sunday, December 7, 2003

yowza   I   lily ann   I   stevie vids

The attack on Pearl Harbor happened 62 years ago today.

The Eagles beat the living shit out of the Cowboys today. And, I'm pleased as punch about it. You hear that Tex? Fuck you, buddy. Your team sucks cock.

I even beat Big Pun three pints in a row. How in the world did I manage to pull that off?

Oh, he is slipping.

From: Pistol Pete Subject: Response Well that ol` boy Response has done it again. Here we are belt buckle deep in Mexican Honey and he imports his home girl Slanty Pie for a few days of bacchanalia. Shit. At least I get an occasional peek of her tits. Cute ones too. We've been ridin' all over Mazatlans half acre tryin' to get his legs and lungs in working order. He's still kinda weak though. And you can tell'm I said so too. It seems liquor and ridin' don't quite ring his bell. And of course the water here is suspect. The beer's good though. And they've got these pre-mix cocktails inna can too...mmm. Anyway, I'm a little hung so it's off to the coast road, ¡Chinga los Jodidos!

I take it "belt buckle deep" is like balls deep?

Just wondering.

And these guys rock.

Some of the stuff the ends up in my inbox…

From: Subject: Its a tuff time of the year for people who arnt saved. The following prayer can save you for eternity, if your not saved do it today, if you are give it to someone who needs it. This prayer can save your soul: "Oh God, save my soul. I'm so sorry that I have sinned against you, but I have come home. I will serve you, Lord, the rest of my life. Deliver me from all my sinful habits. Set me free! I do believe Jesus died on Calvary for me, and I believe in His blood, that there is power in His blood to wash away all my sins, all my sins!" Say, "Come into my heart, Jesus; come on in, Jesus. Come on in!" If you meant it, He has come. If you meant it, Jesus is yours. Start reading your Bible, pray daily and believe that somebody's listening; His name is Jesus find a local church today.

Um, what? Were you saying something? I couldn't hear you, I was busy beating off to porn.

From: Mike Subject: SUVs suck moose balls Hey man, Solid site, been visiting it daily for a few years. Keep up the bike love bro. I'm a bike messenger in Montreal and absolute bike nut. Apparently I was born on a bike. That rules. So does the site. So I'm here to rant about Hummers and other ridiculously oversized vehicles. "Hulking black Hummer Purchased in rank atonement small peckered driver" lol, that haiku comes off the H2 Salute site, and says it all. Hummers are a wonderful piece of utilitarian equipment for their INTENDED USAGE. The problem is 99% of them never come close to seeing their intended use. That's my problem with them, as with SUVs. In fact, many SUV designs nowadays couldn't even HANDLE what the "true" SUV was designed for in the first place (go on wacky offroad trails, carry super heavy shit, isn't that what they were about initially?). I hate SUVs. I hate them more every day. I curse them every time I have to make outrageous maneuvers on the road to get around them or avoid being pushed right off the road by them. Which is pretty much on a daily basis here as a bike courier. They take up almost as much space, for all intents and purposes (width-wise) as a freakin' bus. They guzzle gas. They are unsafe in high speed cornering. They cause much more damage in accidents due to their ridiculous bulk. They are involved, proportionately, in many more roll-over accidents than any other vehicle on the road. They suck. Fuck SUVs. For all its fashion-plagued popularity, the Mini rocks. American car/SUV builders are the incarnation of "bigger is better" mentality gone wild. American car builders suck moose balls. I gotta say that in Europe, you see many more smaller cars. Makes sense. Of course, in Europe you see many more bikes too :)) Bikes rock. Rockin' out with his cock OUT, Mike

Hummer rant duly noted.

I'm pretty much shelled about now. I got in seven hours on the rollers from Monday to Friday of this week, then I pulled two four hour rides out of my ass Saturday and Sunday. I'm sitting here recovering. Slowly. Ugh.

I think I just drooled on myself.

Yep, I did.

Great.

From: Big Dave Subject: Financial contributions to OPSANTA Lots of people have been asking about financial donations. Since this is only my first week on the job, I'm still trying to gather my wits. Here are some better ways to help get more bikes to kids in El Paso, TX. Direct financial contributions should be sent to: OPSANTA P.O. Box 16270 Fort Bliss, TX 79906 (915) 568-1010 Be sure to indicate on the check that you want the money spent on bike tools or parts. Sometimes the PX gives us huge discounts on bicycle stuff. They sent us 150 pre-built bikes. The quality of these builds was questionable, but we could not keep parents from taking the ones we didn't get a chance to check. It was like fingernails on a chalk board. I'm also in the process of opening an account with a wholesaler. So a direct contribution will be of greater impact. If you want to help the local bicycle dealers by giving the program a gift certificate or credit card authorization for a specific amount, here is a list and description of our closest dealers. Dyer Cycle 4501 Dyer St. El Paso, TX 79930 (915) 566-6022 This shop is our closest. It specializes in lawnmowers and other gas powered lawn equipment. It does have a large selection of low-end parts. They have a good selection of tubes and kids tires as well. Their prices are fair. Franklin Mtn. Cyclery 4601 Hondo Pass El Paso, TX 79904 (915) 757-8585 This shop is a one-man operation that specializes in medium quality road and mtn. bikes. Talk to Darrell. He has a good selection of parts, tools, tubes, and other stuff regularly needed by cyclists. His prices are good and the shop is not far from post. Vinci Bikes 8900 Viscount Blvd. El Paso, TX 79925 (915) 594-8778 This is a nice and pretty new shop on the East side of town. It specializes in quality mtn. bikes and high-end road bikes. They have lots of high-end wheel sets and other chi-chi stuff like that. The shop is not too far from us, but it is further than the other two. If you habla espanol, talk to Robertini. He's very cool and more than willing to help us out. All the other shops in town are fantastic and they support us, but they are on the West side and it is like driving to another city. However, we will not turn down anything. Thanks, SGT David Wilson OPSANTA Bike Shop NCOIC Cyclist, USA

One more and I am out of here.

From: Steve S. Subject: sorry, I'm super drunk right now… finally.... burningfarts.com

Just for the hell of it, I'll note the visitor counter on the burning fart page is at 752 right now. I wonder how high it'll get tomorrow?

Saturday, December 6, 2003

gina   I   lesbians rule   I   ivy in latex

I put down a few beers with Big Gay Randy and Nic the Dick last night. Yeah, I was wasted. And, yeah, Nic was straight politic'n for the strip joint.

Now, we in Flagstaff have what I would call a third tier club at best. Here's how I call it: First tier, hot girls and great drink specials. Sorta like what you would find in Phoenix or Tucson. A spot you can get your drink on, and check out beautiful women. Second tier, well that's when you suffer from either expensive drinks or girls you'd rather not see naked. You go to a second rate club when there isn't a first rate one within a two hour drive. The third tier is beat up girls, overpriced shit liquor, and a stiff cover charge.

We've got one of the latter.

Big Gay Randy, who was sick all day after two crappy Gin and Tonics up in our third tier hell hole, wasn't hearing Nic's pleas. I was already loaded with all of four dollars in my pocket. Not long cash by anyone's standards.

The real deal breaker for me was when I asked Nic about the cover charge and drink prices and he said something about having to find a paper so he could cut out a coupon.

Coupon?

We have to get a coupon to go to a strip joint?

We opted for a stop at the Pita Pit. Fuck it. I'm expecting another call out email any minute now.

It's a risk I've got to take.

I saw a girl last night, an admitted fan of the site by the way, who had broken her arm riding down in Sedona. She had pins sticking out through the cast, or bandage, or whatever it was. I had a few under my belt at this point. She showed me the pins, and said, "This is where they put the allen wrench."

Oh jeez. Fucking weirded my shit out. They tighten, turn, align, modify, fuckin something with a wrench. Ugh. Talk about gross.

Shit was straight up nasty.

I hate bike wreck injury stuff. Like this next one for example.

From: zeke Subject: holy shit Ok... this is a link to Tom's gallery. Tom had a little accident on his bike. I know several of the KC crew know him and I think I met him while he was here for the Rapture in Misery 12/6 hour race. pbase.com/terbo Take a look.... when was the last time you saw the inside of your head?

I hope to never see the inside of my head. Unless, of course, it's from a coupe of tabs and a bag of weed. That would probably do it, don't ya think?

Also, it was a certain local Joe's fortieth birthday. Or, at least his party. In typical fashion, I gave him a pound, wished him a happy birthday and I was out.

In an email, Phil says, "think hard about the future".

The world is running out of oil. Great.

I can't remember if I already linked the story about the fucking crazy German dudes who got together one night, cut the penis off one of them, cooked it, and ate it together. After the meal, the one who still had his penis attached (in addition to a belly full of penis) killed the one without his penis attached (but, presumably a belly full as well) and ate more.

Did ya follow that? Just follow the penis. Off go the pants, off goes the penis, on goes the stove, on goes the penis, open goes the mouth, and in goes the penis. Times two.

Fuck. I'm making myself dizzy.

And what is it with these fucking Germans? Sick bastards.

I've been checking out the exile tonight. It's a "Moscow based alternative newspaper" or some shit. I found it, somehow, just pounding different things into google and seeing what gets spit out the other end.

Really good site. Some seriously weird shit. They've got stories about junkies turning blue and kitchen floors, and even some Rush bashing. And, you have gotta read this insanity.

Friday, December 5, 2003

crystal   I   dani   I   aurora vids

There's a callous on my phallus and it's name is Dallas.

This is so fucked up I don't even know what to say about it. I'm speechless.

You thought about whose head is on a dime lately? I hadn't, until I read this.

From: Kevin Subject: Fucking Republicans Hey Big J, I'm not sure if you've been keeping track of some this shit, but the republicans want to trade FDR's face on the dime for Reagan's. cnn.com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/12/05/dime/index.html This is BS. FDR brought our country out of the great depression, while Reagan single handedly created one. FDR also started the march of dimes for the disabled. On another topic the political comic Doonesbury has been tearing Dubbya up recently about our boys are over in Iraq and are going to be there for a long, long time. Check out today's strip: doonesbury.com/strip/dailydose/

What is it with these people? The same mentality actually went through the trouble to change the name of french fries to freedom fries on the menu of the House of Representatives' cafeteria now want Reagan's head on the dime. Instead of Franklin D. Roosevelt, one the greatest leaders this country has ever seen.

Great.

These guys are straight jackasses. It's not like we don't have any real problems that need our time and attention. And the best these guy can do is play fucking games.

Fucking games.

Now, on to the next one.

From: davk Subject: bush bashing Anybody but bush blah blah blah, I'm fucking sick of it. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't my first choice either, but at least he's no Algor. Bitch piss and moan about the war all you want, remember 9-11-01? Wouldn't have happened if Slick Willie would have done something besides pork fat interns and bomb aspirin factories. And you want to blame the president for a sour economy? I guess terrorism had nothing to do with the downturn, and now the economy is rising like my dick at your momma's house. And you losers are still pissing and moaning about the Florida election in 2000. Did it ever occur to you fucking rocket scientists that if Algor had carried his home state (Tennessee, if you've forgotten) he'd be in the White House now. Mother of Gawd, that's a scary thought. And speaking of that empty suit, I clearly recall Oliver North (remember him?) testifying before Congress about some dude named Osama who had the potential to become a major threat, and SENATOR Algor snickering and blowing the colonel off. (Not like that, pervert. The man's a Marine). So if by some bizarre twist of fate, the President loses in '04, who are you going to blame when things inevitably turn to shit? Hell, you owe President Bush (and Rush) a HUGE debt of gratitude. Were it not for them, you might have to go out and get a life.

I'm more of the mind that September 11th was in the pipe now matter who won the Presidential election. The seeds of that tragedy were sewn years ago, and, I might add, little has been done to alter the absolute hatred and distrust of America in the Middle East. Yeah, we fuckin rolled Afghanistan. And, we're sitting on top of the dirt pile in Iraq.

But, how are we going to rebuild Iraq, create a self sustaining democratic government, and get ourselves out? Anyone got a plan for that one? Anyone?

And, yes, I blame the President for his fiscal irresponsibility. Bush is spending like it's going out of style. I think it's the wrong thing to do, as do a few conservatives.

From the Washington Post:

"The president isn't showing leadership," laments Brian Riedl of the Heritage Foundation, who calculates that federal spending per household is at a 60-year high. "Conservatives are angry."

Of course, the state of the economy is open to discussion as well. I don't think anyone's really got that one pegged yet. Check this from Talking Points Memo. Pretty much says it all.

Don't even get me started on Florida. That was a train wreck. I could spend a solid week writing on that alone. What in the hell the Supreme Court was doing meddling in a state issue is completely beyond me. And, the way the vote was split straight down party lines implies something other that impartial judgment, does it not?

"The five-member right-wing majority on the US Supreme Court takes the position, in the words of Justice Antonin Scalia on December 1, that "there is no right of suffrage" in a presidential election." Read the rest here.

Scalia. Oh, he's a great one. Ever read what he's had to say on capitol punishment?

I'm really not in the business of defending Gore. Sure, I voted for him. I was throwing a vote for four more years of Clinton policy, rather than throwing my vote away on Nader as so many others did. The county, for whatever reason, was doing rather well under Clinton. He has to take the blame for fucking up with Lewinsky, choosing to not inhale, that bullshit in Whitewater, and all the rest of it. But, times were good. Better than now.

The Oliver North thing you mention, testifying before Congress and mentioning Osama Bin Laden, you do not "clearly" recall. It never happened.

Oliver North is a criminal. He lied to Congress. Reagan sold weapons to Iran in return for the release of the hostages taken from the American embassy back in '79. Then the proceeds from the weapons sale were funneled to Nicaraguan Guerillas. This was all done illegally and it is nothing to be proud of.

To this day, Reagan is remembered foremost for ending the hostage situation. The assumption being, of course, that Carter, the former peanut farmer from Georgia, was too soft, a Democrat, and couldn't get the job done. It probably cost him the election.

It is, in peoples minds, one of Reagan's greatest accomplishments. Just last night, I was talking to someone about this whole changing up the dime thing. I said, "What the hell did Reagan ever do that was better than FDR?"

The answer, "Well, he got the hostages out."

And, finally, I don't owe Rush Limbaugh a fucking thing. He's a hypocrite, a liar, and a criminal.

"Drug use destroys societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods which become consumed by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up" -- Rush Limbaugh. October 5, 1995 show transcript. http://www.takebackthemedia.com/gophotwrush.html

Fuck him.

Thursday, December 4, 2003

aria giovanni   I   mad doctor some shit   I   tawney roberts

Right off the top, the galleries are safe. They aren't going anywhere. At least not anytime soon. To be honest, I'm pretty sick of looking at them. I mean, how many times can you look at the same pics?

Well, I guess its time to make some new galleries then, isn't it?

The Copperfield game explained:

From: sdp Subject: David lies… David didn't steal just your card, he stole them all. Look at the stack, not only was mine missing, none of the initial stack is there.

Right on, way to sort that one out. I tried it once, the cards all changed, and then I was frightened away by the whole homo-erotic feel of the game.

I figured, what's next? He's gonna ask me to take my pants off. Guy is fucking scary, man.

And then there is this:

From: Harold Subject: Copperfield is a fraud I can't believe you fell for that shit. Look at the cards closer, he shows you completely different cards when he 'removes' your cards. I bet you believe the gnome when he tells you he can make his sausage 'disappear'

Ah jeez…

Sausage.

I'm suddenly hungry.

You down with the H2 salute? Of course you are. Check out some of the stuff in the galleries. That shit is fucking classic.

Big Dave is getting it done down in El Paso. I'll just say thanks to any and all of you that are helping him out with this. You're doing a good thing.

From: Big Dave Subject: OPSANTA pics In case you guys haven't heard or read about it yet..... Some. I have a bunch more, but I'd be up all night trying to get them out. I had 3 Privates helping me sort stuff today. There's more junk in this shop than any bike place I've ever been. I think Resource Revival is going to be my greatest source of funds. If you haven't seen the article: velonews.com/news/fea/5310.0.html Peace.

I just love it when a plan comes together. All except the pic Dave sent. My stupid XP is having a few "problems" with the images. Otherwise, I would have posted them for ya'll to see.

update: The pics came through in a second email. Here are two views of what Big Dave is up to, namely, helping kids get a biket his Christmans. Click to view OPSANATA 01 and OPSANATA 02.

If you can help out Big Dave, you can reach him by email.

How 'bout some porn?

You just gotta love the way Dubbya swung that platter of turkey around and then got the fuck out of Dodge. The man is a class act.

This from the Washington Post article, "Bush's standing rose in a poll conducted immediately after the trip. Administration officials said the presidential stop provided a morale boost that troops in Iraq are still talking about, and helped reassure Iraqis about U.S. intentions."

You bet his standing rose after that. Why do you think they did it in the first place? Because they care? Please.

And, then there is this angle on the situation.

From: Chris Subject: time to stand up for something hey jonny - Check out this blog post I saw this morning. Ya think the shrub's reason to visit was to upstage Clinton? If so, IT'S INCREDIBLY sick, dontchya think? archive.scripting.com/2003/12/01#When:1:28:01AM

Not sure I agree with all of that, but I wouldn't put it past an absolute bastard like Karl Rove to take a shot at a Clinton. Any Clinton.

He doesn't even have the class to leave peoples wives out of it. Yeah, remember this.

That guy is a friggin scumbag. The sooner we get him the fuck away from the White House the better.

And speaking of its time to stand up for something, check this out:

From: bobby Subject: Fw: I like Lou Reed From http://www.rollingstone.com/news/printer_friendly.asp?nid=19029&cf=1603 Adds Lou Reed, "We must all unite and work for whomever opposes Bush, regardless of whatever differences we may have. Our motto: Anything but Bush."

This is go time. Fourth and goal for the win.

Its time to get this done.

Wednesday, December 3, 2003

luna lane   I   lisa   I   alaura

David Copperfield took my fucking card, that wacky prick. I'm thinking he's just behind Michael Jackson for full on freak value.

"Look deep into my eyes…"

If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not. So, stop looking at me.

Here is today's good news. Somebody "complained" to one of the pornsite sponsors of this webpage that I have galleries created out of images I don't own. Namely, all the Hotties on Bicycles galleries. The email actually listed each gallery, one through ten, individually.

When I say "sponsor" I mean it. I'm talking, they pay the bills around here. And when they say jump, well, I jump.

What else can I do? Who else is going to pay for this trainwreck?

I may have to pull the galleries. And soon. A certain friend of mine in Denver named James is crying right now.

This may be the end of all the galleries on drunkcyclist.

Lets get to some fun email before I fucking hang myself.

From: Tim Subject: some fun right wing wackos found an interesting site you might like: capalertcom/capreports/index.htm and some wonderful people already found a constructive use for the site: my.execpc.com/~kaytr/kaytcom.html

Good times.

Fuck it, I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, December 2, 2003

barbie   I   lucy lee   I   you gotta be kidding

One more week for the Greg Brooks Raffle. Get in while the getting is good. I put up a drunkcyclist vest for this, so one of you lucky bastards or bastardettes gets to rock that shit.

"This year, do something special for yourself. Give yourself the gift of botox cosmetics." I actually heard that one the radio today. Can you believe that shit?

What's the world coming to?

From: David Subject: BK Christmas I am going to hell for laughing at this one. load.pquinn.com/binaries/fries/

Well, I'm heading straight to hell with you. I'm laughing my ass off.

Nothing says Christmas like the mentally handicapped.

I just recently pulled my head out of my ass and got my hands on some kick ass cold weather gear. Yeah, it's winter in a place that actually has a winter, and here I am all unprepared and shit.

Well, worry no more, fat boy, help is on the way. I got myself a Century jacket from the fine folks at Showers Pass and I am in like Flynn.

I've had it for about two weeks now, and I wanted to use it a whole bunch before I talked it up on the site. You know, really get a feel for it. Well, the first day I wore it, it was under 30 degrees. And I was as comfortable as could be with only a thin insulating layer under my kick ass new jacket. It's more of a wind breaker/rain shell type of deal. Nothing if not affective.

I took it out, with the same light long sleeve jersey on underneath, when it was in the 40's once. Big mistake. I was sweating like a watermelon at a Baptist barbecue, like Michael Jackson on a perp walk, like a whore in church, like, well… You get the idea.

The thing is fucking warm.

I am no longer scared of winter. Now I'm waving my fist at the mountain, calling out Old Man Winter like Shrub calls out terrorists, bring it on!

I'll probably live to regret that last one.

Anyway, great jacket. It gets my recommendation. And here at drunkcyclist.com, we don't endorse bullshit.

We are bullshit. But, that, as they say, is another story.

I got a nice letter from Nic:

From: nik the dick Subject: you should be ashamed of yourself!!!!!! How dare you be such a pussy.."I'll stick to spinning on my road bike"..You Fucking Pussy Lycra Wearing I used to Love Single Speeding Road bike sellout whore Bitch!!!... You Must refresh your thinking Batman...Pain IS Good, Gears ARE BAD...Gears are for Queers.. You Have friends that are journeying around Mexico w/o Gears.. And you Mr.$#@%$#&#y Cannot even ride 3 hours on a singlespeed w/o your pussy hurting....Are you sure you ride as much as you say?...I'm beginning to wonder If you are a MAN anymore..... Your Loving Friend....Nik The Dick.. One speed is all you need!!!! What ever happened to less gears more beers?...Maybe all the beers made you forget about the less gears part..!

Ah jeez.

Maybe if Nik and I get our acts together we can live like kings on some beach somewhere. Fist fulls of pills, cheap liquor, and cheaper women.

News from South of the Border, where life is good. Very good.

From: Mr Completely Subject: Viva la France! The ride murrays here… Dude, Mexico rules! We have gotten in a few good rides so far. Warm weather, hot chicks, cheap booze. DAAAAMMMMNNNN!!! However, we got robbed already. Some sick bastered stole our munchies. The most frightening part of it is, they didn't steal our beer or anything else?!?!?Imagine our childlike disappointment when after smoking heavily, our precious goodies were missing from the cooler....there is no god. Sick fucks. What do you do if your gooseneck continually slips on your POS cruiser? Well if you are drunk and demented, you go to muffler shop and have them tack weld it into place. Nice texture, rusted in the salt air in seconds!! Even at 250 lbs, I cant budge it now. Otherwise there are lots of little biike shops in Mazatlan that can sell you and even bigger POS neck that will continue to slip. The fucking fucks. Oh yeah, SOMEONE OUT THERE, we saw Pancho riding your Litespeed Mountain bike that he lifted when you werent looking and brought it down here to ride around town whilst wearing a cowboy hat. He seemed to be enjoying the hell out of it. Oh yeah, we got rooms for 10 bucks a night. No TV radio or anything fancy. Pistol Pete found out the hard way that management won't allow you to take two girls to your room at the same time. No you can´t pay them off either. Based on that fact we are moving to a trailer park on the ocean.

You bastard. You lousy bastard.

Give 'em hell for all of us. And enjoy that trailer down by the river, er, ocean. Whatever.

Well, best of luck from all of us.

And remember to use condoms.

Stephen sent in this nice little link to all kinds of porn at sub.links.free.fr/links.shtml. Yeah buddy, that'll work.

This girl is bangin'. And, I know this is straight up gonna knock my man Todd on his ass, Nikki Nova all tied up.

The 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo is coming on strong. It may be the funnest race I did last year. I hear things are filling up fast. This from a somewhat anonymous source:

"Solo field limited to 125, we are 2.5 months out and the solo field is half full (or half empty...however you choose to look at it).Those that don't get into the solo field will be riding the pine every other lap on a duo (or greater) team. If they register for Solo they can witness you lap for lap tossing your lunch on the 5th bitch each go around. What a good time this ho-down is going to be."

Yeah. I'm probably going to vomit at some point. Three years, two episodes. This will be my forth time out, and my first solo attempt.

I am so going to die.

This year, in conjunction with my solo insanity, I'm putting together a four girl team to fly the dc colors. A woman's team is a natural extension of this little porn pill party of mine, isn't it?

It's going to be fucking great. Don't miss this one. Even if you come out just to hang and booze it up. So much crazy shit happening everywhere you look. Fire jumping, belly dancers, kegs, hot tubs, nudity, and other assorted stupidity.

All of us idiots who actually race miss all the good stuff.

Monday, December 1, 2003

violet blue   I   tanya james   I   jenna haze

Christ, is it December already? For fucks sake, I've only got three weeks to get Christmas presents? Yeah right, more like three hours. That's my usual allotted time for that type of garbage.

Here's your gift, shut the fuck up, where's the beer?

From: phil Subject: bj w/ 40 came across this on my camera...big jonny in action hitting the 40. good stuff.

Well, I do aim to please. That was a party for Big Tex, and I showed up with a Dallas Sucks shirt and an Eagles hat. Straight up fuck the Cowboys.

I'm just glad that didn't turn into a round of Edward 40 Hands. Big Pun what there, and he fucking owns.

This next email is one of those things I actually watched, almost puked, and now I just have to share.

From: zeke Subject: try again.... one for the ladies Ok if this works for you what you are watching for is in the background of the first locker room shot... and it was on the 10 o'clock news ... he he !!! k4dwi.net/files/cowboylocker.mpg

Maybe Big Tex will like that one, 'cause his team sucks. If you somehow missed the Lock Ness Monster as I did the first go through, consider yourself lucky. I may never drink enough to purge my brain of that god awful image. We are talking about some big old schlong.

What the fuck? Am I turning gay. Damn it all to hell. I'm a fag now. I'm down with the meat popsicle.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Some more about Wal-Mart and DVD wrestling matches gone awry.

From: Cody Subject: Wally World First I have to say that I love your site and it totally kicks ass. I just read the article about the woman who was stomped on at Wall Mart and cannot believe wally worlds response. They put the DVD on hold for her. Does she still have to pay for it? Seems that the correct thing to do would be to pay her medical bills and give her a free fucking DVD. What cheap bastards. This company is so huge and powerful that this is the least they could do. Bastards. Oh yea, thanks for the links regarding Wall Mart they were really good reads. Keep it up.

I still can't believe it. Has to be bullshit, doesn't it?

Go check out the Greg Brooks Raffle. Do it now. You'll feel better once you do.

And if you're in the mood to help out folks in need, check out the latest from Big Dave.

From: Big Dave Subject: I think you'll dig this Dig this. I decided to check out the Operation Santa Claus program that the army does here at Ft. Bliss and it turns out they have hundreds of bicycles and parts in need of a loving mechanic. I told the higher ups that since nobody seems to know where my conscientious objector paperwork is, then I should be reassigned the OPSANTA. Bam. One week later and I've been reassigned. I've been put in charge of the bike shop. I've got a few volunteers and a bunch of crappy non-bicycle tools. I need help. The program is non-profit, so all donations can be deducted. Here's what I need. Tire sealant. Tire sealant. Tire sealant. Any brand. I don't care. I'm trying to go direct to the companies to get the stuff. But I need stuff yesterday. I've got 150 bikes going to the boys and girls club on the 12th of Dec and none of them have any tire sealant. If a kid rides those bikes anywhere but indoors, he'll have a flat in a matter of seconds in this town. I also need tools like cone wrenches, chain tools, spoke wrenches, etc. We have plenty of parts. We do need reflectors though. Lube and cleaner is also needed. I currently have 4 Park workstands, but they don't have the turn-buckle assembly. If anyone wants to donate those, I'll take it. I called Park today to see if they would be willing to donate it, but they were closed. I've already called a few companies (Bell, Park, Pedros, Slime, True Goo), so if any of you industry guys are reading this and you can help me, drop me a line. If anyone wants to make a donation, I can fax them our non-profit status paperwork. Upon receiving the product, I can send a receipt. There are approximately 600 bikes in our warehouse right now. 98% of them have flat tires. Patching is a waste of time because they will just go flat again when they get ridden around this dirty little border town. No donation will be turned. You can send them to: Operation Santa Claus ATTN: SGT David Wilson BLDG 1123 Ft. Bliss, TX, 79916 Our bikes and toys go to the fourth poorest neighborhood in America. Peace, Big Dave

Right on man. You can email big dave by clicking here.

A few update ago I skimmed over the news out of Miami during the FTAA protests. I made fun of hippies and pretty much didn't say much. Well, there is a lot of bullshit coming down the pipe now.

Here is a report from Tom Hayden on alternet. And, once you've soaked that up, check out the haps at democracy now by Jeremy Scahill.

The whole "anarchist" thing on the Miami news channels was nothing short of sensationalism designed to frighten old people. What really happened is more likely to be detailed in out alternative news channels. So, read on, fellow travelers.

We have many miles to go before we sleep.