I made it to my sister's house in Scottsdale on Wednesday. Yes, I have siblings. Yes, they let me in when I show up on the doorstep. I even got a two-hour ride in. Yeah, it rained on me and it was forty something degrees and all that. But, it ain't fucking Moscow and that is good enough for me.

I can't believe I just drove the better part of 1400 miles to watch it snow on the McDowell Mountains. Did I bring this with me, or what? I got a couple of emails today that say just that.

From: Doroteo Subject: no subject Dude,yer gonna feel right at home. All it's doin' is bein' cold. It snowed today in Phoenix! I was out in the Rincons today and that evil white shit got all over me. Take that crap back up north where it belongs fer crissakes! Your faithful correspondent, Pistol Pete And the bike you rode in on!

Yeah, I know. I know. I hate that shit too. It'll melt off, you'll see. Even my evil influence can't keep this place cloudy. No way, baby. In a couple of days, it'll be a 110 and we'll be wishing for some clouds.

Will this link to tera patrick make it up to you?

I don't know what I love more about Arizona; the sun or the cowgirls? Tough call.

Tomorrow, I'll be trying to track down my man Casey. He's around here someplace. Probably up to no good. That little bastard.

But my God, right now I'm downloading 39 mail messages. This is since yesterday when I got another 27 at Bensies house. Man, I am a busy boy. Some of these things have friggin huge attachments judging by the slow ass down load speed. Good thing my sisters got that badass broadband shiznit.

From: Michael Subject: Enjoy So, off to Arizona to get your ass kicked. Hell, I can walk in to most bars in town and tell one of the locals his momma's a good lay and get my ass kicked. Guess its apples and star fruit though. Good luck on the race scene, you'll do well. Just make sure you've got a PBR stuffed in that back pocket for a carbo boost midrace. A site you've probably seen, but is new to me. buzman.org Check out his links, some seriously sexy, funny and demented stuff. All the better to make you return. Keep the rubber side down, or straight out.

Thanks for the racing advice and the kick ass link. Buzman is badass. I hadn't seen that one before, but I feel like we could be brothers. Or, something.

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

spoke wenches   I   susana   I   aria

I made it. Flagstaff. Two days. What a fucking drive. I know not to try that again. Stupid winter driving.

Snow, ice, wind, fog, the whole nine yards. It makes a long time behind the wheel even longer. Never ending even. Twelve hundred miles. It was so fun, I can't wait to do it again. Yeah right, I'm not going back for a while. I might even forget how bad it was by the time I leave.

I'll be in Phoenix tomorrow. Then I can ride my bike in the sunshine. I might even, gasp, see my shadow. Can you believe it?

And then you have Mike Tyson. And, of course, Virginia.

Go and take a look at these two. Shut the door first.

Monday, January 28, 2002

chrissy   I   aimee   I   jessica

Well, the jersey sale is over. I let it run through Sunday for all you stragglers. Wouldn't ya know it, someone just squeaked in too.

Ain't that the way it always works?

I'm glad to see it all finished up. I'm sending a check to Verge today, and the pressed start rolling. I'm stoked.

I'm also stoked that I'm leaving for a month of racing in the sunshine of Arizona today. I'll be on the road for two days, then it's bike time for four solid weeks. I've been waiting for this for a long time.

I can't wait to get dropped.

Oh, and the Eagles. Man, that hurt. I'll update the page again in a few days. I'll be sleeping in a truckstop tonight for sure. We'll see what happens.

Special Report

no more jersey orders taken after friday, get yours now

I've got to lay it on the line for you guys. This Friday will be the absolute last day you can order a jersey. It's been way to long as it is now. There are people who sent in money to paypal six weeks ago. I want to make sure ya'll understand how much I appreciate your patience in this matter.

We finally hit the minimum order on the Next Morning design at the end of last week. I can start the pressed rolling.

The Road Home was a flop. A total of three people expressed an interest in owning one. That's nice and all, but we need 25. I've contacted those people, and they're on board for a Next Morning instead. From this point on, we are yanking the Road Home design until further notice.

We may bring it back later in the year. I would like to wear this jersey each and every day at ragbrai. Think of it, a can of Pabst in each pocket and a pock chop in both hands. Help me live my dream.

The General Aggravation is also stalling in the water. We're just at ten units. If you would like one, by all means order one this week. Hell, order three. I'll get a few, just to help the count. I like this one and I want to see it made. I want to see people fucking shit up all over the country in this jersey.

Imagine coming up through the pace line on the Sunday group ride wearing that? People are gonna freak the fuck out.

If I can't get it to 25 by Thursday, I'll be sending out another round of emails and asking hard questions. Don't make me do it.

In conclusion, If you want one of those for yourself, pony up and order one now.

Saturday, January 26, 2002

gauge   I   douh!   I   jesse

I watched a movie called "best in show". All I can say is that it made me extremely uncomfortable. Mother fucking guy had two left feet, for cryin out loud. How freaky is that?

Speaking of feeling extremely uncomfortable, what the fuck is up with this? Paris - Nice cancelled???

Where's the love, man?

I love my readers. You think the European pro peloton has doping issues, you don't know shit. Performance enhancing, my ass. My boys throw the fuck down.

I pushed my body till it would go any further, diet and exercise baby. So tonight I thought I would relax, rest my muscles and take it easy, yeah right. A 12 pack, some lines and 2 vicodines later, I am typing this shit to you. FUCK LIFE IS GOOD. Typing seems to be an arduous task at this point...

You shoulda seen me trying to get anything done on the site with all that fucking PBR up to my eyeballs last night. 32 oz glasses. They call it "tub night". I felt like Homer Simpson at free Duff night. I was so fucking drunk, I coulda slept in a snow drift.

But, I woke up at 7:30 feeling like someone parked a pickup truck on my head, and still got my ride in today. It was 47 degrees in Lewiston and it rained on me for three hours. On the top of the two big climbs I got in, it was snowing. I am a hard man.

I am planning on leaving first thing Monday morning for something a little warmer. It's all about the moderate climates. I'm heading down to Arizona.

First stop, Flagstaff. And, girlfriends, daddy's bringing something with him this time. Hoo Ahh.

Friday, January 25, 2002

mason   I   vega   I   lesbains

Ahem, read this. Nuf said.

I give you light bulb tits.

Break it, fix it, ride it. Is this the story of your life? Sound familiar? It does to these guys too. Let them help you out of that mess. Check this out:

Break It, Fix It, Ride It offers mountain bikers, from novices to enthusiasts, a revolutionary approach to bicycle maintenance and repair.

You can't beat it, and, I add again, and, they're giving away a free set of Avid brakes. Click here to enter.

I just got buzz bombed out of my fucking mind down at a bar called the plantation. Two fifty gets you a 32 oz. draft. I, of course, went with Pabst Blue Ribbon. Make the most outta ten bucks at the plant.

Now I can't type or see straight. You gotta love small town Thursday nights.

Thursday, January 24, 2002

helena   I   isa   I   erica

The jerseys are coming along strong thanks to all you guys ordering this week. Keep those orders coming if you want a general aggravation. I know I do.

A girl and her bike. Click here.

Remember, next time you fly, go with ghetto delta. They're up in this piece.

This you will not believe. Click here.

From: june bug Subject: Fwd: Winter MTB events On February 24th, Round & Round is putting on the inaugural Blazing Saddles Chili ride at Riverside State Park in Spokane. It's a fun event and you can either race it or just come out and ride it for fun. Afterwards, we'll be serving up some big, bad bowls of chili and havin' a good ole time in the local "Garaj Majal." See our website for details at roundandround.com. Detailed WIM Series information for the upcoming season will soon be up on our website. We're working fast and furiously to get it all updated for you. A change has been made in the state championship qualifiers. We will be making Chelan one of the state qualifiers rather than Winthrop, so if you are interested in that, please make a note of it.

Shit fire, good to know. That Chili ride sounds like my kind of event. I'd like to hit that up, but I won't be in the state. That's right folks: pork boy is packing up and heading south. Arizona, here I come.

I'm going to Tucson, and I'm doing every friggin race I can find. Look out world, it's the return of the fat boy racer. Don't cut me off, and don't call me late for dinner. Aside from that, do as you will.

I ain't screered.

Bathtub, rose pedals, dildo. Click here.

Check out my man Ham Fist Forbes and his team Jelly Belly on cyclingnews. (story way down at the bottom) They've got a strong contingent of young talented riders this year. Hmmm, says here that, Director Van Haute laid out the team's goals: "We hope to achieve great success with this line-up of riders. All the riders on the team are strong with a good balance of climbers and fast finishers."

Thadda boy, hammy, git up in there and just friggin pound it this year, baby.

I give you lesbians.

After today's ride, I have two things to ask:

• Is it a big climb if it starts snowing at the top?
• Did I ride hard if I have to keep blinking make my eyes work?

OK, shower, nap on the sofa.

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

gina   I   dina   I   suzi

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you Budweiser Girl.

So, I'm surfing around fucking off today and I find this link, "Free pics of a gorgeous big plumper in the shower". What do I do? I click on it.

Best pic I found? Tabatha Jordan. Hot damn.

My man T-Jay just got back from Argentina. He's got tons of pics form his trip. Looks like he had a great time. When he gets them online, I'll post the link.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The mystery of Britney Spears breasts.

The reigning champion in the mail category, Bosco. This time he sent in, in this order, a joke, an indoor workout for the trainer and a porn gallery worthy of my time. Read and learn.

From: Bosco Clontard Subject: Late as Usual Dear Jonny, How in the hell are you? The site is as trashy as ever - keep it up. Yeah, I understand rollers time. Einstein was right, time is relative. Rollers time (RoT) is much slower than Real Time (ReT) - where 1 minute RoT = 3.14159 minutes ReT. (Yeah, just like Pi, quite a coincidence don't you think?) From this we derive the following formula: 32 mins RoT * ChKOFlSa * WOCh = XNmNts Where: ChKOFlSa = Cheap Knock Off Flite Saddle WOCh = Worn Out Chamois XNmNts = eXtremely Numb Nuts By the way if you want a killer interval workout on the rollers, here is one I used to use with the Killer Headwind fan hooked up, fan door open and the fork bolted to the fork stand. 1. Warm up by spinning for about 10 minutes. 2. Start the session in the small chainring and the largest cog. 3. Spin smoothly for 60 secs at 90-95 rpm 4. Shift to big chainring and hold 90-95 rpm for 45 secs 5. Then spin as fast as possible for 15 secs (try to stay smooth or you will fuck up your frame) 6. Flip back to the small chainring and down one cog in the back. 7. Recover for 60 secs at 90-95 rpm 8. Repeat steps 4 thru 7 as you work all the way down AND back up the cog set You will be a limp, pussy, dish rag after this work out. If you ride a Campy 10-speed cog set, you will probably die. You know Jonny, I have been called a worm before. But now I really want to be a worm. I mean a real worm. Just lying there beside some singletrack looking up at the sky and the clouds and all the beautiful things that nature has to offer. Just call me a Worm With a View. Melvin always wanted to ride around the world on his bike. So he trained and trained. Even going so far as to ride on rollers for a while. After he lost all the feeling in his nuts and his penis fell off, he put on his parka, set off and rode Around the World in 14.1 seconds. New from Wrigleys, it's two, two, two smelly seats in one. And look, they even like each other!!! Why it's the Doublemint Tandem Girls. Warren Miller is filming a new love story. It centers around a young man's unrequited love for his bicycle, "BMX". But she held no love for him. All the time longing to grow up to be a single speed Mountain Bike and be gently, but frequently ridden by a more experienced lover who lived in Phoenix (ah, but I digress). So, the boy fell in love anyway. And when he fell, he fell hard. I mean, he really fell hard. It's a classic story called Boy Meets Bike, Bike Meets Crotch. Jonny, I think we need to approach Cannondale with a new advertising spin. The idea is to readjust how they allocate their costs. We propose that they reduce the quality of their bikes and use really cheap components. (What do you mean, that's already part of their strategy?) And then they put all the money into glossy advertising brochures. And voila, it's like cycling sleight of hand. The customer is left saying Cannondale, What Cannondale? Well, I'm exhausted and I've worked up quite a sweat. It's time to go and take A Nice Hot Shower. I had hoped to run into you out at Pima & Dynamite when you were in town so then I could look you in the eye and with heartfelt emotion, say what so many of us feel, but have been reluctant to say "WHERE'S MY FUCKING JERSEY? Ride fast, take chances, Bosco

God Damn. Where do I start. Um, thanks? Now I understand what's happening to my boys when I try to ride my rollers for two hours in the kitchen. I thought maybe I just came from weak stock.

I'm not going near that workout. At least not soon. Maybe after the next week or seven. I may not have a ten speed cassette, but I'm quite convinced that would absolutely kill me deader than all hell. And I mean kill me in the face.

Oh, the jerseys. Bill it and they will come. How's that for an answer?

From: Ryan Subject: no subject Hey Johnny, Nice site, yes, you are a news source for some of us. Check this out, this past Saturday, Alison Dunlap came down to Houston to do a big cyclocross race. She raced the 35+ men's field, obliterating them, then went on to race Pro/1/2 and took 4th. She even lapped most of the field! She did an hour and a half of cross racing to train for her 30 minute race at Nats. Wish her luck. You can find pis at gcca.com or at texas bike trails out

Right on Ryan. Now I know I'm right up there with Dan Rather. Who? What? Nothin'. Click here for corn fed lesbians.

From: Paul Subject: Sad but true What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest? Acne will usually not come on a kids face until around 13 to 14 years of age.

Oh, that hurt. I'm going to hell for sure after that one. Is that you, satan?

Product Review: Intense Shoes The mailman brought lucky me present today. I came back from running errands to find a cardboard box on my front porch. I wonder what's in there? New shoes from Intense. And a shirt? Man, these guys are too much. These things are pimp. Lemme slide 'em on. Oh yeah, baby, sit your ass down in the puddin'. These shoes were made for my feet. OK, which bikes got platform pedals? The race cruiser. Perfect. It's snowing like a motherfucker and I'm going on a beer run. There is no better way to enjoy a new pair of shoes than with beer. And, I figure what better way to test out a new pair of shoes, but under the real world conditions of a beer run blitzkrieg on a beach cruiser? They performed flawlessly. Each power slide, curb grind and sprint for a traffic light went as smooth as could be. Covered with freshly fallen snow, I entered the grocery store. The floor is covered with enough melting snow and water that they have the "caution" signs out tonight. Me, I'm straight in my brand new kicks. I'm floating past all danger in these beauties, no doubt due to the stealth rubber soles. I peruse the beer section. Blah, blah, blah, gimmie that Sierra Nevada, for shizzle my nizzle. That's what I'm talking about. Where's the register? Pay the man and I'm out. Back on the bike and I'm stoked. Man, it's snowing like crazy. Bring it on. With these new shoes, I can take anything. And I just might, if you know what I'm saying.

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

vivian   I   kitana jade   I   alley baggett

Have you ever seen the wish lists some of these cam girls put up? I wonder if anyone actually buys them anything? The best is the guys who put up that shit. Can you say "homo"?

The effects of internet porn on their fragile young minds. C'mere sonny, have a look at this a while. Or, maybe this?

I found a site about riding in Iowa, and indirectly, ragbrai, today. Click here to check it out. I especially enjoyed the forum where you can read such entertaining posts as, "who needs game to tailgate party and ride?" And you just can't beat the t-shirts. Priceless.

My man Dor and team pump. Check out his garage. The link is way down at the bottom of the page, under speakeasy. Now that's a man who knows how to prioritize.

I've got a bunch of pics of Lynn on my ragbrai page, and now she has her own webpage : FitnessLynn.com. That girl is hard as nails. She's got some great information on training, nutrition and the like. If the way she looks is any indication, she knows what she's talking about.

Read this guys thoughts on ragbrai. Among other things he mentions how one should avoid wearing, "Long black dress socks. Much favored in retirement communities across the nation, these are now showing up among cyclists in alarming numbers. Try to pull offenders quietly aside and redirect their consciousness, assuming they have any."

Me, I wore a pair all week. I'm just cool like that. It's an Arizona thing.

Check this pic of team dawg. I think this is one of the best pics of ragbrai I've ever seen. It's everything about the whole event in one picture. I million white people getting drunk out of their minds for a solid week straight.

Notice the guy on the left has an entire case of beer in front of him. Public drunkenness is the norm.

See the giant dude on the right? I didn't see one fight the whole week. You can't even go to a football game without seeing twelve. Big friendly drunks are the norm.

One last thing, and I'll stop. I promise. Team ska. The self kontained alcoholics. I met some of these guys and girls last year. I've got one of their stickers on my fridge. They carry all their shit on their bikes and drink for every waking moment. It's incredible. These are hard men.

Ok, here's what you want: Porn. Hot as hell and I like camping. Is anything hotter than a couple of lesbians?. I didn't thing so.

From: Tim Subject: the pack Man, tell me about that Pack huh? I didn't think they could lose either, but did you see that game? They blew like a herd of goats. And on top of that we got more snow! It's about 4 deg F out right now, so it is actually warm enough to take a ride today! Anything above zero I tell ya. I am ashamed to admit I live here......... Your drunk correspondent in Green Bay, Tim Eh!

It's a damn good thing I didn't start up a football website, 'cause I apparently don't know my asshole from my elbow when it comes to that game. All I can say as an Eagles fan is, bring on the Rams, baby. It's go time.

In the jersey department, this brother is definitely feeling it.

From: Nate Subject: whatever Do we have 25 on the general aggravation yet? I really liked the Road Home jersey, please do a rerun. I cant wait to piss off all the suburban Awahtukee fat ass middle aged weekend warriors with my "Drunken Cyclist"- guns beer porn- stickfigure giving the bird-telling the world to "EAT MY BALLS and smile" jersey. If these strapped down, middle aged, fat pigs, tv-watching, "I cant go riding because my wife want's some new shoes" fucks, give me one second of lip, I am gonna tell them "Eat shit and bark at the moon cockbreath"---drunkcyclist.com is where it's at. Nate

Now that's what I'm talking about. Buy or die.

Monday, January 21, 2002

aria giovanni   I   shay   I   devon

This is my new favorite website hentai101.com. In case you were wondering, I fall to pieces over almond eyed girls with blue hair. Holy shit, do I ever. Anyone got a link to real girls dressed up with blue wigs, or some crazy shit like that, get at me.

I'm going to make a whole new favorite site for the week section. It'll be over there on the left somewhere. I trust you'll find it just fine.

I you are ever in Las Vegas with me, and want to win some money betting on sports, just follow these easy instructions. Get behind me in line. Watch what I bet on. Do the exact opposite and bet big.

I thought there was no way in hell the Packers would lose today. I mean, I thought that thing was as good as gold. Shows what I know, they lost 45 - 17.

Like I said, watch me and do the opposite. You can't lose.

I added a new jokes page and a new picture gallery today. Enjoy.

Here is a report I've received from the first race in the Arizona State Championship Series, Carrera Grande. Sort of. Kinda. Click here for results.

From: jason tallous Subject: update I just wanted to update everyone before I get the scissors out. It's been a long four months, but I did it. I grew a beard. But after today's hard fought second place, I think I could save a few seconds with a seven pound loss of facial hair. Don't anyone worry. All is well and I'll get through this by myself. Take care and I'll be sure not to shave it all at once, ===== Jason

Yeah man, the whole Taliban look is so out these days. That shit is played, sprayed and laid.

Sunday, January 20, 2002

petite latina   I   zoe   I   I'm going to hell

Glenn D'Hollander is a bad ass. That is a tough son of a bitch.

How can you not feel for a guy like Scott Sunderland? I mean, c'mon. What next for this guy? Jesus. I've been rooting for that guy as he crawled his way back into fighting form and now this? Fuck me. What is he, the next Musseeuw?

I know I'm linking the hell outta cyclingnews, but I'm drunk and they got the goods. Check out what Bobby Julich has to say about the state of racing in this county. Someone asked me once, why I liked Julich, that guys a dick he told me. Well, I have this thing on video, have you ever heard what he said after the last time trail in the '98 Tour? I'm tellin ya, you listen to that and Bobbi Julich is a fucking hero.

Well, that was last night. Yee haa. I fell off the wagon. Hard. Randini knows what I'm talking about. Ya try to eat good, cut out the junk, and drink plenty of water. I gave up milk, cheese, everything that tastes good. In another week, I might start going to church. I'm living like a fucking monk.

Around 10:30 last night I firggin lost it. I went out and bought myself a six pack. I'll have a couple of beers, no big deal, get a good nights sleep. Yeah right. I drank all six in about two hours without even noticing what I was doing. Next thing I know its 2:30 in the morning and I'm in about 7 chatrooms making a total ass of myself. I don't even want to know if I made it to the Velonews forum.

I woke up in the living room this morning to the sounds of my elderly neighbor running his snowblower up and down the sidewalk. Man, he loves that thing. He even did the walk up to my front door for me. Since I was sleeping on the floor, he was about six feet from my head with that thing. I thought someone was driving a tank into the house it was so loud. I think it was 8:00 am. Thank you for making sure I didn't sleep in. I sure would've been pissed off if I had slept till noon. That would have been horrible.

I got this new thing, I've been riding the rollers in my living room in 30 minute sessions. I don't know if I'm doing myself any good, but I just can't focus for any longer than that. I've done two hours that way so far today. Ride for a half an hour, sit on the floor stretching out my flabby legs and petting the dog till the sensation returns to my penis. Then its back on the bike.

It's like this, no matter what I do my penis goes numb. Ride on the rollers, numb penis. Ride out in the cold, numb penis. I can't win. Or, more directly, my penis can't win.

But the Eagles won today. Oh yes they did. F Chi-town. Bring on Green Bay, baby. I'm all about it.

Ah, the cycle of life continues. Check out this press release. Am I a legitimate news source? Does anyone actually read Playboy for the articles?

From: Ward Bates Subject: Press Release FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE 1/18/2002 COLUMBIA, SC - Earth Fare Supermarkets of Asheville, NC and Cycle Center of Columbia, SC are proud to announce their renewed sponsorship of Team Earth Fare Cycling, based in Columbia, South Carolina. The team's focus will be primarily on regional events, as well as select NRC events such as Athens Twilight, Shelby, The Tour of Sommerville, The Capital Cup, The Clarendon Cup, The Michelin Classic, and Coconut Grove. Team Earth Fare will also work in conjunction with Earth Fare, Cycle Center and various non-profit organizations to coordinate community events such as fun rides, health screenings, and children's bicycle safety seminars. The team has added seven new riders to its already impressive roster. Among the new signees are: a U.S. Junior National Champion, two new category 1 / 2 riders, 3 women, and two junior men. With the addition of these new riders, the team is really, really big and is now only second in size to Mapei. "It's great that our renewed sponsorship has allowed us to add additional strong riders, but the increased team size does change things from a management perspective. For example, just the other day when we were having team photos taken, we realized it's really hard to get that many people in one photograph. But, we put our heads together, studied the Mapei website to see how they did it, and eventually got everyone in there. It took some work, though," Ward Bates, co-team manager, said. The strengthening of the category 1 / 2 team should lead to some strong placings in the 2002 season. Although the team scored several wins on the track, that impressive road win escaped the squad during the 2001 season. There were several instances, however, where Team Earth Fare was the first to arrive at the race venue - sometimes even before the officials. "We were really happy that at a couple of the races we got there first. First is always good. And, when you are several minutes ahead of second place, that's even better. Hopefully, we can improve upon that this year. Personally, I'd like to see us getting there 30 minutes before second place. That may sound like a lofty goal for a second year team, but I think that the team has really matured this year and we can do it," Henry Corley, co-team manager, said. Team Earth Fare's 2002 schedule will see them racing all over the Southeast, with trips extending as far North as Washington, D.C., and as far West as Mississippi. With eight Category I/II riders, Team Earth Fare expects to bring a major presence to the elite races. And although Team Earth Fare will not be fielding a pro team this season, they do know several pros from other teams and they read about pro cycling events quite frequently on CyclingNews.com. "We discussed having a 'sister team arrangement' with a European squad, but we just couldn't find a squad that we felt could live up to our, and our sponsors', standards," said Spencer Lueders, co-team manager. "We know we could hold up our end of the bargain if we go race in Europe, but what are those guys doing to do when they hit U.S. soil, huh? We just couldn't take that risk. We will revisit this objective after the 2002 season, when we expect several of the larger European teams to approach us for partnerships." Some of the new riders are expected to make an immediate impact. In particular, new team member Brock Helms had an impressive 2001 season, despite the fact that he is attending college full time in Boone, North Carolina. The other members of Team Earth Fare are located in other cities in North and South Carolina, giving them a strong presence in local communities. And, while the team has a decidedly "domestic" feel, several of the riders do have relatives that are from France, Italy and Spain. The team is hopeful that these relations may lead to a 2002 Tour de France invitation. In addition to the beefed-up roster and new bikes from Specialized, the team also developed a new look with clothes produced by Verge Apparel. "We took a look at our clothes from last year and realized that the overall design just didn't look fast enough. So, this year, Donovan-Bates Advertising & Design redesigned the clothes to use some really fast looking colors. More red and yellow is used -- and any rider worth anything knows that those colors are faster than others. Surprisingly though, a lot of teams ignore this and go with really slow colors and ugly clothing. I think it's those small things that will add up and insure strong results for Team Earth Fare this season," Jeff Franz, co-team manager, said. New Riders for 2002: Category 1 / 2: Brock Helms - 22, Chris Thomas - 30 Women: Lauren Trull - 14, Adrienne Brown - 25, Diana Conn - 28, Junior Men: John Sarullo - 14, Brandon McKeever - 14 Returning Riders: Category 1 / 2: Jeff Franz - 29, Chris Knetsche - 35, James Wilson - 23, Ward Bates -28, Tyler Ellis - 19 Category 3: Jason Clutts - 28, Henry Corley - 30, Robert Hardison - 19, Spencer Leuders - 33, Ken Oglesby - 33, Sponsors: Earth Fare Supermarkets, The Cycle Center - Columbia, SC, Specialized bicycles, Verge USA Apparel, Donovan-Bates Advertising & Design, Mavic wheels, CarbBoom Energy Gels, Gracie's Bar & Restaurant Team Managers: Henry Corley Ward Bates For more info: www.TeamEarthFare.com

Team Earth Fare, coming to a town near you. Hide your sheep.

I've got more stuff to share. Read on.

From: Mike Subject: Monster Track III Yo Mike Dee here from NYC. As our city cleans up and the first snow falls the economy is crashing. The Outlaw Messenger Front, undaunted in their mission to provide first class cycle mayhem, prepares For Monster, Monster, Monster Track. Our third annual fixed gear only, no brakes allowed, track bike championship. The date is set for February 16th, 2002 at two and the place is Thompkins square park. Anyone coming to the race can email me back to ensure accommodations. Racers from Philly, Boston, Baltimore, D.C., Minneapolis and even Germany came though last year. Sponsors should email me for more information. Already signed up are Stop the Drug War(stopthedrugwar.org), Bike Works (Bikecult.com)and Metrobikes. This year promises to be the biggest Monster Track ever. More racers, more prizes, more bands(It is rumored Evil E will debut his vile rock band), and maybe some fire walking. Any and all help will be appreciated. Peace

To many cool things happening all at once. OK, all you guys, stop having fun. Check out this link Wally sent in, fukkit.com. It's a pisser.

Saturday, January 19, 2002

veronica   I   redhead   I   did I link this already?

Hey, did you know that, Germans have for decades drunk the "Radler" or "cyclist" lemonade mix, while cola and beer are known as diesel? I didn't. Click here to read more.

Added a link to carsrcoffins today. It's a kick ass site, you should check it out. Oh, and reader mail rules.

From: Danny Subject: Clydes Rule Dude Great website, a friend sent it to me yesterday. Pretty much sums up what cycling should be: Good friends, riding, naked chicks. Thanks for the entertainment. D

Danny, it's a pleasure. I'm glad you like it. I'd be doin' this even if no one looked at this page again. I really don't have anything else to do. This one's for the people.

Just so you know, the backlog of mail I'm still sifting through is fucking amazing. This one is older than dirt, but still fresh in today's modern context. OK, it's from two weeks ago, but you get the idea.

From: Mark Subject: Adele Stephens Hey Jonny, Welcome to 2002. I thought you might like to know the girl called simply "blonde" you posted on Saturday is actually called Adele Stephens. You can find quite a bit of her stuff out there on the net. The official site ( some good free stuff) Lots of pictures here And finally the hardcore shots at www.britboy.i12.com Regards, Mark

Yeah, wow, she sure is something, isn't she. I think I like this pic the best. Way USA.

I like where this guy is going with his bike collection. Very sano. I like cruisers. I should post some pics of my motley collection of bikes sometime. Yeah, like I'll ever get off my fat ass and do that.

From: Michael Subject: Midwest Advocacy Summit and racing... Single-Speed folks... If you can make it, Friday night is a night not to be missed. You'll just have to trust me on this one. One race has been written about on www.drunkcyclist.com and the other is in the can waiting to be posted... Right Jonny?! Be that as it may, the whole weekend is going to be fantastic. Swap meet, meetings on various interesting subjects and then the Heartland race on Sunday. Loads of fun all the way around. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm part of the Heartland promotional group. That shouldn't dampen your fun level at all though. Check out www.earthriders.org for information on the Midwest Advocacy Summit. IMBA will be releasing the official press release today. Most of the information can be gleaned from this site and any linking sites should be complete within a day or so. Right now, there are people from about 8 Midwestern states involved. Here's the weekend agenda - Friday, March 22, 2002 10:00 p.m. Secret Underground Race at local singletrack (derby and ghost riding included) Location: TBD Saturday, March 23, 2002 9:00am-12:30pm Advocacy Summit with presentations by: International Mountain Bicycling Association Dirt Slave National Mountain Bike Patrol Earth Riders Trails Association Heartland Sports Promotions Gateway Off Road Cyclists Oklahoma Earthbike Fellowship Location: The Governor's Building in the American Royal Complex, Kansas City, Missouri 1:00pm - 5:00pm: Swap Meet and Raffle 6:00pm - 8:00pm: Upper level advocacy meetings 8:00pm - ???: Trips For Kids Kansas City Benefit and Fund Raiser Sunday, March 24, 2002 10:30 a.m. Heartland Sports Promotions Race #1 (of 5 race series) $35,000 Race Series payout. Pro/Expert, Sport, Beginner, Single Speed and Kids Classes Location: Landahl Park Preserve Jackson County (Blue Springs), MO For more info check out the Heartland Sports Promotions website. We hope to see you there.

You guys rule. Sounds like that ought to be a good time. I wish I didn't live eight thousand miles away, or I'd try to make it to that one. And the mail keeps coming...

From: WCG Subject: this is great www.xterror.com I cant remember where I got it. maybe you? I fell on the floor when the guy swags his beer as he shoots bin laden in the fucking head!! Only three more hours till I hit the road, I'll buy ammo in Yuma. response

That reads like the start of a great western move. Shoot something for me. I have to admit, I'm a little jealous. I wish I were leaving for Arizona in 3 hours. The only thing I'll be doing today is riding around and freezing my balls off. Until then, I'm going to shoot up every-fuckin-body in that quickie-mart again. Hostage, schmostage, that fucker shouldn't have been there.

Friday, January 18, 2002

asia carrera   I   dina marie   I   sunny leone

First up: Big Gay Randy, call me back and this time leave me a phone number I can reach you at.

No more Surly for Hurly. Yes, it's true. Today is his last day. Git out thar and start kickin ass, boy!

More snow in Moscow. So what else is new, right?

From: cory Subject: no subject hey big gay one, here's a way to keep yer beef jerky warm on cold idaho days in the saddle....slip it in yer shammy and presto, 10 miles down the road ya got warm savory jerky..works well with pumpkin seeds and pop tarts also......keep the rubber down...cory

I've got some bad news for ya, nothing and I mean nothing keeps a powerbar soft when it's fucking 17 degrees outside. I've tried sticking them down the front of my pants, in my armpits, everything. I'm about to try stuffing one of those mother fuckers right in the crack of my ass. Nothing seems to work.

But, I'm game to try out a pop tart. Right after I take out the trash.

In case you're wondering what king of shit I'm dealing with here, this link will show you the weather in Moscow. It looks like it might get up to 40 twice this week. I am so happy I could shit myself.

A far more exciting link is the fine collection of kick ass wallpapers over here. You can thank Paul Katcher for that one. Thank you, Paul, from all of us. Especially Snake. He's to embarrassed to tell you himself, but he really, really likes those pictures of Heidi Klum.

You see, I had it on my computer, and he saw it and went nuts. He got this crazy look in his eye and kept asking me where I got it. I honestly couldn't remember. But, then like a gift from heaven, Paul posted the link, and the world rejoiced.

I can't figure out why I find this so God Damn entertaining. I hope it's not 'cause I'm gay, While I'm on the sunject, this cracks me up. I am gay.

Maybe I should take piano lessons.

I've got a great email from my man T-Jay. He went down south friggin somewhere to climb some friggin hill. Anyway, I think it'll speak for itself.

From: T-Jay. Subject: Trip Hello all, I am back from the mountain but still in Argentina. It was an experience to remember. We started with 7 climbers. At base camp we lost our first climber to Pulmonary Edima. After a 25 mile 6000 foot approach over 3 days we had to send Chris Haagen out by mule on New Years Eve. He was gargling in the night and choking on his own lungs. The elevation of base camp was 14,000 feet, which is roughly the same height as the tallest peak in the lower 48. After 4 acclimatization days we moved to camp 1 for 3 nights. We got pinned down there in a 30 hour storm that yielded sub zero temps and 60-70 mph winds. It was pretty brutal. the O-level was pretty low in the high winds. Having had lost a day we made a mistake and moved to 19,000 feet hoping to out run the next storm. On the morning of the 7th at 4 am we attempted to summit. I kicked steps into the mountain for our team of 6 for 6 hours. It was this morning that yielded the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. We were at an altitude that birds cannot even attain. 21,500 feet. It was then that my best friend Rob and climbing partner Cory began to show signs of Cerebral Edima. It is a condition that swells the brain in its fluid until the head cannot contain it any more. I chose to give up the summit and sent the three remaining climbers to the summit. I took Cory to Camp 2 where he started to recover. Rob however was not so fortunate. I descended with him and more than 100 pounds of gear to base camp where finally he began to recover. All three of the climbers recovered 100 percent both physically and mentally. Rob and I are going to spend the next 10 days in Mendoza checking the place out and recovering from our blistered hands, feet, and faces. We summited 3 of the 7 climbers which goes to show the amount of teamwork necessary to achieve the summit of the tallest peak in the western and southern hemispheres. I hope this finds all of you safe and warm. I will invite you all to the slide show and tell the rest of the story when I return. T-Jay

And I thought riding a bike around in this shit way hard. I don't know shit. I am a pussy.

I found this on a wadded up piece of paper that got lost in the move to my lovely new rental. I guess I wrote it down when I was working at Starbucks. I even scribbled out some HTML; I must have been really bored to death. These are right out of the junior first rank future coffee nazi employee manual at Starbucks. I kid you not.

Examples of conversational questions:

• I noticed you were looking at out menu board. What kind of beverages do you typically enjoy, and maybe I can make a recommedation?
• How are you today, Racheal? Can I make your double latte, or would you like to try our new frappaccino blended beverage today?
• How are you enjoying this great weather? (48 ° and raining) You should sit and enjoy the sun on our patio. You will sit on the patio. You will enjoy the sun. Do as we say.
• Have you tried coffee brewed press? Would you like to try coffee brewed in a coffee press? You will try it. You have no choice. You will be assimilated.
• How did your daughter enjoy her Starbucks Care Package? Did it get her through finals? How's that little sluts coke problem? Did she find out who the father was?

Thursday, January 17, 2002

jesse capelli   I   catholic school girls rule   I   jezebelle

I'm interested to see if this site is a good as I hear it is. I usually get bored after about a week. Bring it on.

Do you think you'd like to see 16 pictures of kitanna jade all taken from her right side? It's not as cool as you might think, trust me.

I went over to the good 'ol stileproject today. Man, that site just doesn't do it for me anymore. I used to hit link every damn day, now it's more like once a week. It's not like I'm missing anything. The one thing that keeps me going back? trisha campbell.

From: Wallace Subject: What a difference a century makes The year is 1902, one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century makes. The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven. Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home. Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

Ah, the good 'ol days. Yeah right. I wouldn't trade internet porn for the world.

Now that's what I'm talkin' about. A chicken in every pot, gentlemen. Everyman gets his dream, the American dream.

It's high time I made some predictions for next year. One, Paulo Bettini is a punk and will win nothing of any importance. He hung Lanfranci out to dry and pretty much did Bartoli the same. He may be a captain at Mapei, but he doesn't deserve it.

Two, Michele Bartoli will race like a new man in 2002. He will never be the man he once was before the knee injury and infighting with Bettini. But, he is a classy rider and will thrill and excite this spring when the weather and pavement is at it's worst.

Three, George Hincapie will win a World Cup race this year. It is high time he delivered the goods, and if he doesn't, I will personally staple a sign reading, "Lances' bottle boy" to his forehead. It won't come to that, though. Fear not, this is the year.

Four, Jan Ullrich will find something else to do with his immense talent other than come in second again at the Tour. Oh, he'll follow Armstrong around France again, but he'll find something else to win as well. I'm thinking that he'll bag a win at Zurich and find some legs in the Giro. He certainly has the talent, it's up to him to use it appropriately.

Five, one of my favorite riders of all time, Andre Tchmil will end this spring winless, but with a string of top ten finishes in everything that's important. He will be in the hunt just as he has been for the last ten years.

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

tabatha jordan   I   sky lopez   I   gauge

Graeme Obree = hero.

My cyclocomputer just rolled over 800 miles today. I reset it on the first of December. I should be well over a thousand by now, but oh well. A hasty move from one rental to another while my wife was taking her finals and my subsequently strained back killed that plan.

I had two back to back weeks of four hours in the saddle in mid December. I would have liked to have something more along the lines of 15 hours written in my log for each of those weeks, but, fuck it. I can't change it now. All I can do is continue to ride around in the frozen farm fields, turning a low gear, staring at the horizon wondering… What will this year be like? Will I get dropped? Can I make it? Will I be strong enough? Am I tough enough?

Only time will tell.

This link goes out to "blah", who said on the message board that he wanted to see an update to the 'ol asian galleries. Well, I haven't managed that, but check this out.

Tafi, retire? Say it isn't so. That guy's a knucklehead. I might bet a new gallery of hot chicks with minimal clothing in the near future. Like later today. We'll see, 'cause pimpin ain't easy.

From: WCG Subject: RE: I don't know if anyone could love Jesus more We are going from la to yuma this friday, we HAve outlaw roadbikes with chopped handybars and fatty tires. I have no idea what part of az we will be in, but we will be 1. riding bikes 2. shooting guns 3. drinking beer all at once, I have a tight taiwanese chik with me and there could be some nakedness envolved too, maybe a dc on the tits? Uno nunca Sabe!

I love the guys that read this page. Fuck, you guy's all rule.

I know they're the strongest team in the world and all that. But, they still look like straight bozo's in those outfits. They need drunkcyclist apparel.

boing.

This site is pretty funny. You can definitely waste a few minutes of your day there.

I don't know who this guy is. But, he has a ton of cool photos you can look at. No porn, at least non that I found, but check it out. Cool stuff.

It's not often I come across a site like this. There is a ton of stuff to see. I'm gonna have to spend a whole lotta time there checking it all out. Click around for awhile, see what you find. My fave so far? This girl, for sure. This is a close second. The memory of her ought to get me though a few more miles in the cold.

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

chloe   I   ariel   I   julia-ann

I got my four hour ride in Monday, but it wasn't easy. Cold, windy, overcast, lonely, in short: Not fun. I rode for two hours before I saw my shadow. And that only lasted ten minutes. Damn it.

After another 45 minutes, the sun came out enough to cast my shadow once again. It quickly went away. Depressing. Then the wind picked up. Oh, man, that wind sucked. There I was, out in the farms and fields; suffering. I was going 13 miles per hour and thinking to myself, "man, I gotta back off…"

Yeah, it was like that. I'm almost embarrassed to say I spied a Starbucks coffee shop on the outskirts of Pullman, Washington, and rode on in. That's right, the former employee of the year dragged his fat stinkin' ass in and ordered up an oatmeal cookie and a small coffee. I think it saved my life.

I rode along, barely staying upright, drinking my coffee. Still with the fucking wind, Jesus, I'm shivering. Ugh. Then it happened.

The coffee started to work it's magic along with the half a pound of refined sugar I just had in that cookie. I turned left, toward Moscow, eight miles left. Tail wind. Strong tail wind. I'm a rock star.

I rode the last stretch home like three Mapie strongmen closing in on the Roubaix velodrome. It was glorious.

Once I go home and thawed out for while, I get this email from the Garden Gnome. About how he had just ridden for SIX hours (not some wussy 4 hour ride), and boy is he tired. Damn it. What a kick in the nuts.

Now it's a quarter to ten in the morning and I'm still in the clothes I slept in. My motivation is Kaput. Nada. I went out with the dog an hour ago, and fuck it's fucking cold today. I've gotta find more clothes to wear. I look like the Michelin Man on a bike already, right Randy?

I just got a call from my buddy Chris over in Pullman. He wants to go for a ride. OK. I checked today's weather and, whoa, current temp 25, winds 13 mph. They say it'll feel like it's 14 degrees out there. Jesus, here we go again.

Monday, January 14, 2002

kitana   I   sylvia saint   I   danni ashe

Right off the top, I've got to cover this. Another cyclist killed by an automobile. Read about it here. I'm very sorry to hear about that.

Shit fire boys, it was movie night in Moscow. Yep, I'm that fucking boring. And totally out of date. I just watched "Brother, where art thou" and "Blow" back to back. Have those two movies been out for ten years yet? I don't know whether I want to start dealing drugs or singing country podunk songs.

I've been getting some really fucked up links in the mail. You better just see for yourselves.

From: marco Subject: happy new year from london Hi there The cyclo cross race I organized with a mate of mine went off ok considering it was our first ever promotion (you can read up on the london cyclo cross scene at londonxleague.uk) but thats not why i write; Im back on the hunt for good websites and found this gem: FARTING IRON WOMAN 1 RUKA ICHINOMIYA She is very beautiful Japanese girl, so nice. But her farts is very big sounds and very bad?? smell. her fartings amaze most of all persons. You should have this. It's great.Perhaps she can be winner in farting contest. bekkoame.ne.jp/ha/dins/onarafetish3english.htm Great use of Engrish and crazy site also at bekkoame.ne.jp/ha/dins/index.english.html regards marco

Right on marco, I'm glad to hear your cycle cross race promotion came off without a hitch. And that link, oh my.

Oh wait, there's more.

From: travis Subject: got bored Fucking stuck here in Orange County for work and no bike.... So I got bored and started looking and this is what I get...its just plain wrong... kinghost.com/fetish/toys/08/pic/20.jpg and more here www2.kinghost.com/fetish/toys/08/81.htm gotta get your veggies somehow I guess....

Sweet Jesus. Where do you guys find this stuff. I can't believe what I'm looking at. Fuck. Ugh. I'm gonna puke. Fuck. Thanks for writing in and all, but my God, that shit is nasty. Of course, once I recovered from the shock, I just had to share it with all of you. Thank me later

Sunday, January 13, 2002

monica   I   aria   I   sky

I got a nice two hour ride in today. It was splendid. It wasn't even all that cold out. Either that, or I'm just getting better at bundling up. I saw the fields, the tractors and the mud. I even took a leak off the side of a bridge. I'm just that kind of guy.

Tomorrow I'm going out for four hours. Look out world of bike racing, the fat man is getting serious.

How about the motivation of Philippe Gaumont? He broke his leg in Paris-Roubaix and is preparing to give it another go this year. cyclingnew.com had this and more in a recent article:

Asked whether he would be ready for this year's Paris-Roubaix, Gaumont wasn't sure, but did think that the injury would help rather than hinder him as a cyclist. "I am not 100 percent sure if I will ride it, because I will not be fully fit. I respect too this race. But I have only it in my head. I will have a successful day there, because my injury has hardened me. I meet unhappy people at Berck. To see paraplegics of twenty years reinforced me psychologically. Each time I re-examine my fall, I become aggressive. I acquired the rage to succeed from it ".

Speaking of cyclingnews, check this out. Now that's what I call a team presentation. In a word, classy.

And what the fuck is this about? Ain't this just a fucking kick in the nuts? I mean, God Damn. What is the world coming to? That guy is a hero. It's a shame. I'm glad he didn't manage to pull it off. Poor bastard.

Here is a product review you won't hear anywhere else. You can take that one to the bank.

When Jon told me about the Hello Kitty vibrator, I had mixed emotions. Although I've always had a sort of sick attachment to my vibrator, I've also always had a soft spot for anything Hello Kitty. But somehow, I felt both elation and disgust. I mean, how often does a girl have the opportunity to get off on something less frightening than a Ron Jeremy sized rubber cock with more veins than a KFC drumstick, or anything that rots within 2 weeks of being carefully selected from the produce section at Albertson's. On the other hand, there is something inherently wrong with using Hello Kitty's face as a fuck stick. I mean, Christ, I used to use Hello Kitty to erase math problems. I never thought I'd be using it as a post coital tool after yet another night of less than satisfying sex. Anyway, my curiosity won and John from Pleasurebox.ca very generously sent me one complimentary Hello Kitty vibrator. Hello arrived and I tentatively put my other vibrator, Jan (as in Ulrich), away in the drawer so he wouldn't get jealous. I opened the Hello Kitty package. To my surprise, she wasn't phallic in any way. In fact, I suspect Hello is not a vibrator at all, but a massager of some sort. Anyway, she was about 4 inches long and definitely designed if anything as a clitoral stimulator. I wouldn't even think of inserting it into any orifice (except maybe a mouth). At the top (the vibrating part) is a cute Hello Kitty holding a teddy bear - Sick . . . Fucking twisted! She has a surprisingly fast and strong vibration, though not too loud which is important because I would hate to wake Jon from his post orgasm bliss to find that all those "Oh yeah baby . . . You're a fucking stud" screams were bullshit. I received a small jolt when Kitty first made contact, and after that . . . well; all I can say about that is "hellllloooooo kitty". I am officially addicted. Girls, there is something out there that does the job of many men without the hassle. And guys, I highly suggest that you get one of these for your girlfriend, wife, or both, it's cute, unintimedating and its Hello Kitty. I'm sure Jan is getting pretty suspicious because he hasn't been out of my underwear drawer in weeks. But you know, Jan, you can't win them all; especially when there is something out there that is stronger and faster. MMMMmmmmmmmm.

I don't even know what to say.

Saturday, January 12, 2002

blonde   I   blonde   I   blonde

I love the Garden Gnome. That little bastard kicks ass. You want to know what makes him so damn cool? Besides his little red hat and pointy toed shoes.

What was the last thing the Garden Gnome said to Jake the Snake before he upped it and Jake got shit canned on the BOS ride?

    "Can you smell what the gnome is cookin'?"

I got to spend a kick ass day up in Flagstaff on the way back up to the frozen gulag of Idaho. Good coffee, good friends and good food. The riding ain't bad either.

I got in a few quality miles with Andy from Singletrack. He was riding his new bike, which I doubt cost him more than a hundred dollars. It's an old British touring rig (a Jeremy Butler?) with bar-end shifters, non-aero brake levers and a rear rack. I think his real wheel alone weights as much as my entire bike. Not that it was any kind of advantage.

Did he ride slow? No, he did not ride slow. Is he strong? Yes, he is strong. That guy was opening up cans of whoopass all over Arizona when I was still in elementary school.

Have I mentioned lately how much I enjoy cycling news? It's one of the only sites I actually visit each and every day. Sometimes twice, just to see if there is something new up. That and the message board are my big hitters. Hit 'er in the shitter.

It's old news by now, but check this out:

Salomon, the "Freedom Action Sports" unit of Adidas-Salomon, announced today that a contract to acquire Canadian outdoor specialist Arc'teryx Equipment Inc. has been signed. Through this transaction Salomon expects to expand its presence in the fast-growing new sports and outdoor categories. Financial terms of the agreement will not be disclosed.

Also in the 'old news by now' pile of things I haven't posted yet because I was on vacation:

Mountain Cycle's exclusive Canadian distributor, Yodo Distribution Inc, has received the long awaited press release regarding the new ownership and future of Mountain Cycle. Visit us at : yodobike.com

Here is some more of what showed up in my mailbox over Christmas.

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and arrested him.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

I laughed my ass off to those.

Friday, January 11, 2002

devon   I   gauge   I   chrissy

Well, shit fire and all that I'm home. Back in fucking Idaho. Got in last night around ten local time. It took me two days to drive back up here. Oh, it's big fun already. My DSL got hooked up last night at midnight. I moved into this place on the 15th of December. Ain't Verizon grand?

They sure to take their sweet old time, I'll tell ya that much. Holy shit, do they ever. I've been out of town for weeks, and they just got it hooked up yesterday?

I need to join a gym like this. I could really get a quality workout with that type of equipment.

The road trip was great, as they usually are for me. I got to see a ton of friends and ride my bike in the sunshine. I've got my head on straight and I'm ready to fucking rumble. I don't even know where to start with this shit.

I want to thank everyone who put up with my big stinkin ass on this trip. Sarah and Kip, Dave, Tim, Jules, Snake and King Benson. It was a pleasure taking huge stinking shits in all of your bathrooms. I can't wait to do it again. In about ten days.

That's right, this fat fuck is gonna take a stab at the fine February racing offered up in my favorite state of Arizona. Hide your sheep, 'cause I'm lookin' to plunder somethin' or somebody. Ask Snake, he saw the fire in these eyes o' mine. Or maybe it was just me tearing up shit when he fired up that ovenfull of buffalo wings?

No matter, whether it's food or racing I'm motivated like never before. That, and I've got to find something to do with myself. If I stay up here in Idaho through the winter I'll probably shoot myself. Either that or start up a meth lab. Good money in methamphetamine. That's what I hear anyway.

How hot is this girl?

I came home to a metric assload of emails. 230 to be exact. To be honest, I had seen some of them already as I could check my mail from various computers on my trip. But at least half of them were brand spanking new. That said, I'm trying to get through replying to all of them as quickly as I can.

Act like an American for cryin' out loud. Fight the good fight.

A long time ago someone sent me a few pics from this series. I have some of these up on my wallpaper page. They make nice wallpaper. You hear me, Snake?

From: Mark Subject: Jenna Jamison, Brianna Banks, porn star, hardcore fucking and sucking pics Hi Jonny, Hope you had a good time down in Arizona. This looks like your match made in heaven! ameteur.net/daily/14/ws.html Later, Mark

Man, let me tell you, I had a great time in Arizona. In fact, I'm thinking of leaving to go back down there in about two weeks. Repeat after me kids: Arizona good, northern Idaho bad. Nice link too, very nice indeed.

From: Ken Subject: An update for the webpage… Johnny, Thanks for the web page. I love having a site that satisfies my need for bikes, beer and porn. I figured that the following, while not in your neck of the woods, would interest a few people. earthriders.org. It's not porn, but it's the next best thing: Bike and beer. Lots of bike and even more beer. The Friday race will most likely be time penalties for more than one gear and time bonuses for bringing strippers and various other forms of debauchery. Word is that some sort of mafia types from Minneapolis are heading down in a piece of shit Winnebego to steal all our booze and women. Ken

Sounds like a whole lotta fun you boys are cooking up out there. Keep the rubber side down and your stick on the ice. Something like that anyway. I can't be there in person, but I can be there in spirit. I'll hoist one your way. Cheers.

Hey, don't forget, it's almost time for the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo race. It's put on by the fine folks at epic rides. Go check it out. You'll have a fucking blast. I know I did last year. Shit, we kicked ass last year.

Satuday, January 5, 2002

sarenna   I   tanya   I   blonde

All I have to say about this mornings ride is this: Thank God for Bensey, or I would have ridden by myself all morning. Some lady who looked old enough to be my mother blew by me with so much force I was almost thrown off my bike. At least she said, "Good morning!" when she showed me a clean set of heels.

On the brighter side of being fat and slow, I did learn that Wild Oats has kick ass coffee for just over a dollar. And refills are free, baby, free. Drink all you can stand. That, I like.

This is Ang's first product review for the site. And, I think it's a good one.

This being my first product review turned out to be an easy one. It all started when the guys from Timbuk2 traded a messenger bag for a drunk cyclist T-shirt when Jon was in Vegas. He came home with the small black messenger bag. I tried to finagle my way into ownership by complaining that the crappy old green backpack I used as an undergrad at ASU was not compliant with my needs as a law student. Jon didn’t budge. Then I argued that the pack didn’t accommodate my laptop (specifically that my backpack wasn’t padded and our $1500 investment was being knocked around with no protection). To my dismay that didn’t work either, so I pulled out the big guns. I pouted and whined that my backpack was ugly and only dorks carried around backpacks. I added that all the other kids had messenger bags and made fun of me. It worked on Daddy and it worked on Jon. And that is how I ended up with my very 1st Timbuk2 messenger bag. The bag itself was great, but it was a little small for my laptop and all my books, so I gave it back to Jon and went to the Timbuk2 website to order a larger one. That site is really cool. You get to build your very own bag, and as you add things (i.e. laptop carrier, strap pad, etc.) flash animation shows them being added to your bag. You get to choose your colors from a wide variety, which I liked because I always like to have accessories that are unique to my personality. You can choose one uniform color, or different colors. You even have the option of material used for the bag itself. I began to piece together my bag. I ordered the largest bag they offer, which ended up being really big. So, if you don’t have a whole lot of crap to carry around, you should stick with the mid to small sized bag. I chose lime green and black as my colors and opted for the free-floating accessory bag (I use this mostly for computer chords, but it is very versatile). But the coolest extra that I ordered was the removable laptop carrier. It’s padded, has handles and fits nicely into the larger bag. You can even choose to match colors and material of the carrier with everything else. The laptop carrier also comes in 3 sizes to fit most any laptop. The bag with all the perks ended up being a little pricey, which was concerning. However, when I received the bag in the mail (3 days later) I knew that the bag is worth every penny. The materials and design of the bag are of very high quality and will undoubtedly last forever. I've been using my bag for a couple months now, and I love it. If you’re looking for a new messenger bag, I would highly recommend Timbuk2 (If you’re looking for a backpack - you’re a fucking dork). You probably won‘t have to buy another one for decades. If you‘re not in the market for a messenger bag, it‘s worth the time to go and check out the Timbuk2 website . . . it‘s that cool!

Check this out.

I think that's enough for now. I'm getting really hungry (again). I just can't seem to ever stop eating there last few days. Rock out with your cocks out.

Friday, January 4, 2002

sammy   I   amber   I   vega vixen

Mother fucker what?

What a pleasant blur the last few days have been. I think I've guzzled more beer in the last four days than in the last two months. And the hours on the bike, forget about it.

Go look at this.

How do I prepare for the dreaded BOS ride tomorrow morning? I go eat sushi with my sister and throw down Kirin beers like glasses of water. I'm drinking a quart of Millar High Life right now, and man is it smooth. I'm going to feel great tomorrow. I plan on getting dropped before this thing gets out of the parking lot. Fuck it.

Click here. And, when you've recovered from the effort click here.

I want to apologize now for not getting back to all of you with the whole email thing. It can get a little hurried on the road, borrowing other people's computers and internet access. I've got so much good shit to post and no time to do it.

Story of my fucking life, right?

I'm not sure why I've been staring at this, but you might want to check it out.

Thursday, January 3, 2002

nikki   I   zdenka   I   hotty

I did the bike shop tour today, visiting all the boys and seeing what everyone is up to. I hit Landis, Wheelers and Domenics. No complaints from anyone. I haven't made it over to Adventure yet, but they're good guys too.

Aside from that I rode around a lot and drank Budweiser all night. This was cool: I saw drunkcyclist mentioned in the new issue Velonews as one of the top five hot things about Arizona. I had no idea that was going to happen. It was a pleasant surprise to say the least. The best part is going to be the letters people send in after that little bit of exposure.

And, I don't mean the mail I'll get. I'm talking about the "cancel my subscription immediately" angry parent bullshit that is about to avalanche all over Velonews. If a Columbus tubing advertisement with a bra offended people all kinds of ways a few years ago, can you imagine what printing a porn site address is going to do?

Oh, it's going to be grand.

Wednesday, January 2, 2002

monica   I   amber   I   tawney

For reasons that remain cloudy and unclear to me, I started out my day riding to Tortilla Flat with the kind of group I have no business riding with. It seemed like a good idea at the time I guess. I should have stayed home and looked at shit like this all day. I'm not going to bother listing everyone that was there, but believe me when I tell you I was outclassed. It should surprise no one that I was dropped like a bad habit at the 28 mile mark. Since the ride lasted for 81 miles, I got lonely.

Don't feel to bad for me, I actually rode most of it with my little buddy the Garden Gnome. I was only by myself for ten miles through the hills on the way out. Ten lonely miles of soul searching, self-pity and displaced blame. Are my brakes rubbing? Do I have a flat tire? Do I just plain fucking suck or what?

Click here.

I'm not going to blame it all on the wind, but let me tell you this much. It's an out and back, straight east then north. Pull a 180 head south; turn right and head straight west. Real simple. Heading out we were riding around 15 - 16 miles per hour with the wind coming across from the left. Hard, but manageable really.

Then the fun started, we turned left straight into it and Ham Fist strings it out. I'm looking down and watching the little numbers on the pain o' meter climb up and up. 18, 18 and a half, 19, 19 and a half. God damn it this sucks. I'm falling apart. I pulled out, sat up and rode at 9.5 for a few miles by myself. I'm a pussy.

Same road, coming the other way, by myself 'cause I got tailed off again in the hills, I was riding between 28 and 30 at about the same effort. You getting the picture? It was windy as hell.

Some other things I saw today:

"Dr. Bicycle" lost so much weight he was almost unrecognizable. Yeah, I actually don't want to embarrass him too much by putting up his real name. I still can't believe it was him. It was like, "Who are you and what the hell have you done with the Dr. Bicycle?" How much weight loss makes a man look that different, you ask? He worked off the double nickel. Fifty-five pounds, baby. How do ya like that?

This kick ass webpage. Thank response for that one.

I ran into a guy I know that I hadn't talked to in a while. He had his blood pressure checked for free somewhere this fall on a whim, you know, what the hell it's free type of thing. It came up weird. Being a pretty fit cyclist, he figured he was fine, but he had it checked out with a doctor anyway. It's a damn good thing to, because he had a bad valve in his heart. The doctors say it could have killed him within six months. Scary bad stuff for sure.

They put in a mechanical valve last month and he's recovering well. Can you believe the guy is 24 years old? It happens to him, it can happen to any of us.

This girl lives in Scottsdale. Hot dog.

Fuck it, all I know is that we're all still here and I'm riding tomorrow. I'll leave you with this: Sweet Latina beauties want to show you their tamales!!.

Tuesday, January 1, 2002

chrissy   I   sonja   I   oh boy

Holy shit my brothers and sisters, where do I start? It's been a fun time for me lately. Too much to get it all in here, but I'll see what I can do.

I spent last week in Nampa, Idaho at my sister in laws house. She and her husband are extremely religious. I don't think they could possibly love Jesus any more than they already do, but wouldn't ya know it, they still try. After a few days of prayer and no alcohol, I pretty much wanted to fucking hang myself in the garage. Since I figured that was the chicken shit way out, I opted for something really painful: cycling.

I rode for three overcast days in 25 degree weather. My water bottles froze, by fingers went numb. I couldn't feel my dick. It was great.

But, the fun couldn't last forever. Now I'm back in Arizona. And I'm not even thinking about leaving until I get a good solid week of quality riding under my belt, thank you very much.

Lets see some porn.

Today the Garden Gnome and I got up at 6:30 and pointed his notch back rally car Volkswagen northbound. We were going to drive up to the Verde Valley for the annual New Years ride and general all around ass kicking. We didn't even make it to Black Canyon City and are asses were collectively kicked to the fucking curb.

The car was burning oil in a plume of shame behind us. We were those guys in that car, the one going ten miles under the speed limit and smoking up the road like a Tennessee style Bar-B-Que. We turned tail and headed for home, fearing that the little VW would just give up the ghost if we tried to get it up the hill at Black Canyon City.

Back in Tempe, we hit up Starbucks Coffee for some commercialized crap in a cup. They delivered.

The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl is played in Tempe on New Years Day. It always draws fanatical fans from every frozen Midwest state with the promise of sunshine and endless gallons of beer flooding Mill Avenue. This year being no exception the streets were writhing with rapid drunken college football fanatics from curb to curb. Fucking bunch of lunatics, that group. Someone always wins big, and someone always losses big in Tempe. You had better have the right color shirt downtown once the victor and vanquished have been decided. It's mob rules around here, baby.

I'm going to ride out to Tortilla Flat tomorrow with the Garden Gnome and Ham Fist. I am going to die. It's a damn good thing it's an out and back ride, or I'd have no chance of ever seeing those two again after the second climb. Oh, it's going to be a hard day in the saddle for the big man.

Oh well, you get what you pay for.

Did I mention I rode in 25 degree weather for three days straight last week? It was just plain fucking stupid. Dumb.

Well, it's been along time since I could update the site and all that jazz, but I've got a pretty good line on it this week. I'll post some more shit about my stupid life tomorrow.