I started putting together some of the best rants on one section for ya’ll. Isn’t that just peachy?

Go check out happy fun racing. Those guys rule.

This, this does not rule.

My man Bruce tells me they should run commercials on t.v. saying, "drive giant SUV, support terrorists...."

I’m with him on that. I know a guy up in Jackson Hole who likes to remind people of that same idea. Especially when they leave their cars running while they just "run into the store for a minute" and shit like that.

I’ll even take it one step farther.

Fly first class, support terrorists. Buy diamonds, support terrorists. Drive a big car, support terrorists. Buy a huge house that costs a ton to heat and cool, support terrorists. Don't recycle, support terrorists. Don’t ride a bike, take the bus or just plain old walk, support terrorists.

I think I'm on a roll.

From: Joe Subject: Whiner! Dude, I like your website, visit everyday. But you need to quit all the pissin and moaning. If hittin the sauce makes you feel so terrible stick with soda or cytomax. Go ride your bike.

OK. I’ll stop drinking. Tomorrow.

Happy New Year everyone. See you next year.

Monday, December 30, 2002

erika   I   zdenka   I   gina lynn

Day two of my self imposed exile. I’m spending the day with a nice, fat, juicy head cold. My fucking eyes feel like they’re going to pop out of my skull. I saw on a t.v. show once the some old Viking dudes used to get all gnarly when they were sick and drill fucking holes in their skulls. Today, the way I feel right now, I’m open to the idea.

I mean, could it be worse than this?

This is not fun. Not at all. But, enough about me. You really don’t need to know about the river of mud that’s been flowing out of my ass all morning, do you? It’s kind of a personnel thing, between me, my ass, and the toilet.

I was reading an old journal a while back and came across a passage that holds some truths for today and my present condition. Way back in the early 90’s I would beat a cold into submission with a bong, a sofa and a television.

Of course, that was went I was a mere lad of twenty, with recuperative abilities I now sorely lack. I can’t have sex six times in one night anymore. Nor, can I drink half a fifth of scotch, take acid, drunk two gallons of beer at the bar, hit up an after party and still make it to work the morning. I used to beat the punishing morning, with it’s piercing light and responsibilities. Oh, those days are far behind me.

It’s seems somewhere along the line I learned from an old roommate in college, a guy named Chip, that the way to outlast a cold was to nurse a bottle all day. Watch t.v. and generally stay pickled for 20 hours.

I can’t very well handle that anymore either. I’m a sad relic of the glory years. Just a wasted shell, really.

But, today, being a good boy and just sitting around drinking water has got me no where. My head feels like a melon in a vise. Maybe a melon getting pressed between two boards with the weight of a cinder block or two.

Anyway, suffice to day there is pressure. Lots of pressure. And the pressure is winning.

I think I’ve found my edge. I’m lining up a shot of the old athlete octane with a cytomax and gin cocktail in a tall glass to back it up.

No quarter asked, none given.

Well, well, that else is new? The message forum is back. It’s even got a new name, velocidad solomente. Same deal as before, go there and talk shit about anything and everything.

Also, I had to yank the video of the week again. It might be back later I dunno. The one I was running, vettin 4 life was taking up to much bandwidth. And when I say taking up to much bandwidth, I mean most people could even download it. The whole thing was fucked from the word go.

I’ll just have to post much smaller vids in the future. But, small vids suck. So, what do ya do? Post small vids that people can actually view ‘cause the server/bandwidth I can afford can handle the strain, or post big honkin 7 minute vids that no one can view. I think I’ve answered my own question. I’ll see what I can put together in the next couple of days.

From: irieeyed Subject: a truly devout fan I would like to take this chance to extend my empathy to Thomas who wrote in about the Vet. I have been to many Eagles games in that great venue and there is a most unique quality of the atmosphere as you describe mostly in caps... Much kudos for your passion as it should be. However, the people of Philadelphia, Jeff Laurie, and the team will make a new, better football legacy for the future of Philadelphians. The new stadium will bring more great Eagles football for three more decades to come. Despite all the nostalgia I have including Pink Floyd and the Stones and the Phillies etc; the Vet is a piece of shit. Besides do you really think that a whole city of the NFL's best fans will really change all that much because there is grass? We just have to sacrifice the grass in the 700 level for some on the field. Although some of the players huff their share to begin with... Anyway, yes J.E.T.S jets-jets-jets.

I gotta go with ya on grass. Astro-turf should be outlawed in the national football league. That stuff is bullshit.

They have grass in Green Bay. They have grass in Chicago. They have grass in Buffalo. There should be grass in Philly.

It's how the game is meant to be played.

We’re all going to miss the Vet. At least I am. Read Sal Paolantonio's goodbye to the Vet.

From: Mike Subject: no subject I want those two fucking Bush Twin drunk sluts serving their fukking country. The campaign to have the Bush twins serving starts right fukking here at Drunk Cyclist. I want those two bitches lugging a quiver of RPG's across the sands of fukkin Iraq right fuckin NOW! We will give em some drinks to get going. There is NO fukkin reason those bitches are NOT under the thumb of Uncle Fukkin Sam. I want pushups, I want running over the mountains. I want rifle practice, mortar shots, tank shots and jello shots. I want smallpox injections, anthrax injections, beef injections, all kinds of fukkin injections. I want them to be up for opportunities as "unlawful combatants" in a Saddam jail. Texas "morality" dictates those girls are riding the hood ornament of the lead Humvee of the lead group across the Iraq border. Texas "justice" and "principle" and the new "morality" Bush has brought to the White House demand nothing less! Let's put it this way, their service would be far greater than their Dad's, but only equal to grandpa's. I guess it skips a generation.

I like your style. We both may be charged with treason for it, but I like your style.

Down in flames I always say.

Now this is strictly class.

Sunday, December 29, 2002

implants   I   sandy   I   lisa marie

Oh God, am I dying lately. I didn’t ride for most of last week, after my AFD ride to Phoenix last Sunday. I just did the family thing. You know, visit, talk, chat, eat and drink way to fuckin much day after day after day. It beat me down, man. It just beat me down.

I rode yesterday and again today with the frightening realization of how fast the good feelings leave the legs leaving only pain and misery. My tank is on E.

I’m unmotivated, unfit, poor and fuck it all I just want to get loaded. It’s a God damned good thing Snake is coming down here, I need some reason to throw myself into the depths of the pain cave.

I just can’t seem to do it by myself.

Its sorta like sex I guess. Sure you can jerk off and all that, but it’s better in a crowd. A crowd of like, say 50. But, that’s just my thing.

From: Thomas Subject: fuck bush and the NY GIANTS as a fellow geologist....well getting my masters in geology.....i must concur that Bush is a shit head on the Wyoming issue from 12/28.....they really have no fucking clue...... and on a WAY MORE SERIOUS NOTE: I HATE THE NY GIANTS MORE THAN ANYOTHER TEAM, EVER......I HATE THEM......I HATE THAT THE VET WILL BE NO MRE AFTER THIS YEAR.....I HATE THAT THE NEW STADIUM WILL BE FANCY AND NICE.....I HATE THAT I MAY SEE SOME J.CREW SHIT UP IN MY SECTION, 736......I HATE THAT PEOPLE FROM OTHER TEAMS WILL FEEL "SAFE" COMING INTO OUR NEW STADIUM BECAUSE IT IS VOID OF THE 700 LEVEL.....I HATE LOOSING THAT PISS HOLE OF A STADIUM CUZ IT WAS OURS!!!!! THE UPPER DECKS WERE FOR THE REAL DRUNK ANGRY WORKING CLASS (OR AT LEAST FROM BLUE COLLAR FAMLIES) MEN......I LOVE THAT PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY IN THE NEW STADIUM THAT IF YOU COME INTO PHILLY WITH THE WRONG JERSEY YOU WILL GET YOUR ASS KICKED.....I AM TRULY PROUD OF THAT.....MOST OTHER CITIES ARE FULL OF PUSSIES!!!!! P.S. go jets..... PPS GIANTS FUCKING SUCK E-A-G-L-E-S- EAGLES!!!!

A field goal in overtime. A fucking field goal. Fuck fucks sake. God damn it.

Had to be the fucking Giants.

Well, at least the Kings beat the Lakers on Christmas. That was pretty cool. I really hate the Lakers. Fuck Rick Fox. What a complete douche bag.

Speaking of complete douche bags, remember those t.v. commercials, the ones that said ‘you smoke a joint, you support terrorists’? Pretty fucking stupid, I thought. Showing kids smoking weed, saying shit like, I helped kill a judge, I blew up a building, I killed people.

Tell that to some hick growing the wacky tobacco up in the hills of Kentucky who’s looking at ten years. Yeah, he’s a terrorist.

Well, I wonder if anyone will run ads saying, ‘you buy a diamond, you support terrorist’.

Turns out the good old boys in al Qaeda have been buying up diamonds lately. Lots of them. $20 million worth. Gonna use ‘em to buy weapons, yes sir.

"Weapons of mass destruction?", asks Dubya. Well, I don’t know ‘bout that Dub. But, it does look like those fucking bastards sure would like to get they’re hands on some "missiles that could shoot down aircraft", according to the Washington Post.

How’s that make you feel, Dubya? Kinda like an asshole, huh? Maybe this whole North Korea thing is a bit outta hand, wouldn’t ya say? Sounds like maybe we’ve got some more pressing problems. Maybe you and Ashcroft can take a flying fuck at a rolling donut?

Click here to see just what I’m talking about.

Saturday, December 28, 2002

lexus   I   um, ah, duh…   I   devon

One of my buddies up north called me this morning. He’s working in a ski rental shop, and yeah, he loves it. I guess they had about a 1,000 folks from the valley come through last week. And this is what they call them; spores = stupid phoenicians on rental equipment.

Good times.

Remind me not to rent anything anytime soon for fear of scorn. I’ll just buy my own shit, thank you very much. And, I earn my turns. Brah, brooie, bro.

So you think you know a thing or two about breasts do ya? I thought I did, and I only got 2 answers right. Maybe you can do better. I’m gonna try again. I gotta be able to pull something outta this wreck of a day.

Pretty sure I’ve linked this at some point or another. Chunk 666. It’s anticarmegeddon for fucks sake.

Seems I got some interesting responses from the sultry bike chick link I posted yesterday.

From: Matt Subject: Sultry Bike Chick Dude, i feared the day this happened, when you go, I know a porno chick. I know her, she came in to my shop to have some spokes fixed on the Look bike pictured in Gallery one, top row. She also sells real estate in phoenix, and I have her 'other' business card. I fell out of my chair when I saw the bike. At least I know she rides!

Yeah, she rides. Cock.

Now, now, I’m just kidding around here. We’re all friends. It’s the beer talking. I just can’t help myself. Got a bit of the ‘weakness’ I do.

I like how she signs her adventure page, 'cycle to success'.

Um. Yeah. You think I could hire her to ride around Tucson with me? Is it extra if she lets me drop her on the climbs? That would rule, I could box her out on the city limit sprints and crush her on the hills. I would be the fucking man on a ride for once. I could use a little bit more of that kind of thing in my life.

From: nik Subject: HEY PAL Merry xmas..hope you had a good one...That link Randi sent you, w/ the cycling slut..I dont know if you remember or not..but we sold the Colnago CT1 to the old guy, and shipped it to, somewhere..He came in the shop with that girl..And boy was it an experience...Talk to about it later..im gonna email her.next..gonna start saving...hehe...Nik

So, she came in the Old Salt Mine when I was on the payroll? I don’t remember her at all. It’s like a parade of hookers through that place. They all just blur together after awhile.

If I’ve seen one cycling enthusiast escort, I’ve seen twenty. I’ll tell ya.

Just think Nik, for the low, low price of 350 bucks you can get an hour with the Sultry Bike Chick. I wonder if she offers a discount rate for the twelve minutes it’s gonna take you to finish breaking her off a little something and throw her right out a second story window?

You do aim to please after all. And, buddy, you do not disappoint.

Here is tonight political commentary.

From: Mike Subject: fuk you this is the most grievous "fuk you" I've ever seen. As an oil and gas geologist; I state this. I mean yes oil and gas wells fuck things up; but this is absurd, this is so beyond fukking up; this is wanton destruction with no regard for ANY consequences 1) the salt from the pumped water gets into the smectite clays in the soil; and basically turns it into concrete. that land will be ruined for tens to a thousand years. 2) if they had to pay the true cost of destroying the land, and destroying the ground water; the gas would not be economical 3) what gives one group the right to destroy the land of another; and pay nothing? The government of George Mealy Mouth Fukking Bush, that's who nytimes.com/2002/12/29/national/29METH.html

Friday, December 27, 2002

barbara   I   sydney moon   I   bikini girls

Lets get right up in it.

From: Ashmore Subject: 29th with a bullet You've probably already seen this, but you made the big time as the 29th (in a close tie) best Male Mountain Biker of the Year. cyclingnews.com/features/awards02/?id=mtb_male Congratulations!! Let's have a beer to celebrate.

Holy shit, that’s funny. I tied with Todd Wells. We both got exactly one vote.

And of course, I called Snake up in Flagstaff immediately to rub it in. I’m telling him, hey man, I didn't see you on the list, why weren't you on the list, ya mad ya didn't make the list and shit like that.

Hey, what are friends for if ya can't kick 'em when they're down. Or at least gloat when you're up.

Ha, fuck Snake. I rule. Thanks to whomever gave me that all important single vote.

Again, I rule.

Randy and Jason sent in this sultry bike chick. Oh yes they did. John sent a link to plastic jenna. It scares me too, John. It really does.

And oldie but a goody.

From: Doroteo Subject: no subject Here at the Church of the Rotating Mass we give thanks to the Sacred Circumferences. We roll through a wicked World of Four Wheeled Danger and glass in the gutters. Keeping our JuJu focused we ride our Medicine Wheels past Goatheads unscathed and unacquainted with the marginal Magic of patch kits. Purity of Spirit and Innocence of Shifting will keep us on the True Path. Malted Beverages and Women of Loose Morals will be our Reward. Yours in Spinning Doroteo

And check this out. Thank Bobby for the link.

You have been warned.

And now I’ve seen everything.

From: John Subject: Press Release December 23, 2002 For immediate release: The world's largest Internet site for gaming and sports wagers will be the title sponsor of a new professional cycling team based in the United States. Sportsbook.com launched in 1997 and has taken in over 35 million bets in the last five years. In articles on ESPN.com, Yahoo and CBS MarketWatch, the company is recognized as the leader in gaming technology, innovation and customer service. The venture into professional cycling is led by former US National Champions Adam Myerson and Ryan Oelkers, two of the most respected and successful riders in the country. The team of eight riders plans to compete in all of the major races in the Unites States, including the new Tour of Georgia. The team has also secured an invitation to the Tour of Ireland. The team is managed by Bill Laudien, a married father of three, vice chair of the US Cycling Federation Board of Trustees and race promoter. He says the team and sponsor are a good fit. "I have been making friendly wagers for years and was a Sportsbook.com customer long before I approached them about becoming involved with cycling," Laudien says. "It's a safe, secure way to enjoy sports and the company is very excited about the marketing possibilities of a pro cycling team. We're ecstatic." Sportsbook.com is owned by Sportingbet, a United Kingdom company publicly traded on the London Stock Exchange. Sportsbook.com processes over $2 billion in wagers each year. The companies' global outreach mean unparalleled accountability, security and customer service for anyone interested in laying 10 dollars on the Knicks, betting on the odds of a Schumacher repeat or a game of Internet blackjack. Sportsbook.com offers free contest and no fees to sign up. The company has sponsored a blimp, womens' professional golf and now cycling. "We want to provide an opportunity for young riders to gain experience in a clean, well organized and supportive environment," Laudien says. "At the same time we hope to realize more immediate results with veteran riders like Adam and Ryan. The eight rider team is not complete. "We are negotiating with other experienced riders and who hope to make an announcement soon on the team website at www.sportsbook.com" Laudien says. The team is also sponsored by Greg Kreider of Red Rose Imports, who helped secure product from OLMO (bicycles), Nalini (clothing), Challenge (tires), Selcof (parts), and other Italian companies. For more information, contact Bill Laudien at billlaudien@yahoo.com

It’s not that I think a sports betting company isn’t a good team sponsor or anything. I’m just saying, now I’ve seen it all.

Well, almost everything I guess. Anyone else want to see McCain switch to Independent? Now, that would really be something.

And I’ll just leave ya’ll with this, The U.S. policies are viewed as arrogant and self-serving by most of the world.

Good night.

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

bambi the trainwreck   I   aurora   I   caimile

Ah, Christmas in Arizona. Good times.

On Sunday I turned what was supposed to be a six to six and half hour ride from Tucson to Phoenix into an eight hour ride. Yes, I had a map. Sure, I drew it on a piece of paper. But I used the real map pinned to my kitchen wall. I thought it would be plenty.

I was wrong.

The map would have been fine if I hadn't gotten off course. I had a route marked out, but once I got off of it, I was fucked. They don’t mark the roads so good out on the reservation, like they just don't mark them at all. So, once you’re off course, it’s hard to correct the problem. I was fucked. Maybe it was inevitable.

At hours one, two and three things were as they should be. I was just riding along, feeling good, and eating up the miles. And, I knew where I was in relation to where I was going.

At four hours I stopped for directions. It seemed like the thing to do at the time. I dunno, maybe asking directions is a form of defeat. It felt like quitting anyway. I knew I had to turn left in Coolidge, but I hadn’t seen one road sign in miles and didn’t know where I was or where the turn was.

I asked which road went to Phoenix. Seemed like a reasonable question at the time. Man, was I wrong. I was pointed down a road, yeah, that goes to Phoenix. Apparently it also goes to Casa Grande and the interstate, ‘cause that’s where I ended up a half and hour later.

At the four and a half hour mark I knew I was screwed, screwed, screwed.

Now, we’re talking about the res here. Wide open nothing. Bum fuck Egypt. I saw some trees and a water tower to the north up against some mountains, so I turned towards it on the first good paved road I could find.

Trees and a water tower means town. Town means gas station. Gas station means maps and people to ask, "where the fuck am I?"

I decided I should just buy a map this time and abandon the hand drawn piece of shit in my pocket.

Well, that isn’t so easy. They don’t sell state maps for some reason. I could get a map of downtown Phoenix, but not where I was now out in the fucking boonies. I asked for directions again. Does the lady working there speak English?

No, she does not speak English. No, she cannot tell me anything except "Ya, Casa Grande, I-10, back way you came, back, I-10, Phoenix."

This time I was hip to the game. I’m on a bicycle. I’m not asking for directions to I-10. I can’t ride on the interstate. I want the state highway. Can I go north from here?

She tells me no, no north, back way you came. Fuck. Um, no thanks. That isn’t going to work. I just want out of this valley and off the fucking res, thank you very much.

So, now I’m heading east again. Back the way I came. I can’t go west or north because it’s all mountains, dirt roads that go nowhere and certain death. I’m looking for any road that heads north at this point. One that’s paved would be nice. Nothing paved out there. Just cotton fields, dirt roads heading to who knows where and irrigation canals. Fuck me.

An hour later, I’ve gone east 10 miles, north maybe 7 or 8 and I’ve found a west bound road, finally. I got chased by fucking res dogs once, twice, three times. The forth time it’s two dogs. I don’t think I’ve got much more sprint in me. If they jump me again, I’ve had it. All they’ll find of me is gnawed up bones in a ditch.

I’m cold. I’m really pissed off. I can’t find the road that’ll get me off the res. I want to fuckin kill myself.

The road I’m on starts heading left, south, back into those fucking mountains. Then, it t-bones another road and just stops.

I turn right, into the wind. The sun is gone behind the clouds. It’s all clouds. Looks and smells like rain. I realize at some point I’m pushing squares, with my shoulders slumped, just staring with blurred vision at the road ten feet in front of my wheel. I’ve cracked and cracked hard.

I slow to a halt. I get off my bike, drape my arms across the bars and put my head on the stem. I am so ready to die.

It’s six fucking hours into this bullshit. I don’t know where I am. I’ve made a horrible mistake. I’m going to die out here.

Suddenly a scene from the Godfather pops into my mind. It’s the Don himself, he tells me, "First thing, you can start acting like a man." He smacks me right across the face.

I look up from the gravel and broken glass littering the side of the road. C’mon you fucking pussy. I feel my pockets. I’ve got three little debbie brownies, a powerbar and damn near a full bottle of water. Shit, you can last hours on this shit.

You ain’t cold, you’ve got plenty of clothes. Yeah, I’m not cold. I’m not even hungry. It ain’t raining. Fuck this shit. I’m a fucking man. I’m riding out of here and I’m riding out of here now.

I’m back on the bike. I’m pedaling effortlessly. I feel frigging great. I’m daring it to rain. C’mon, bring it. You think I give a shit? Fuck you. I’m harder than you.

And I shit you not, as I rolled over the next slow steady rise, the gentle roll you wouldn’t even notice in a car, I see South Mountain on the horizon. Sure, it’s a good 30 miles away and it’s late afternoon. But, this is the first time all day I had something to ride towards I recognized.

With every pedal stroke it’s just going to get closer.

Saturday, December 21, 2002

stop watching me   I   I’ve seen this…   I   helena

This is interesting, hiking and cycling have a very similar impact on a trail. So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Thank Lisa for this little movie about hell.

Chew on this one.

From: Mike Subject: RE: Iraq and oil: Look, once Bush invades Iraq, we don't have to own the oil, we don't even have to control the oil, all "we" have to do is make sure the output (Iraq production) is tripled, (easy to do with the HUGE reserves in Iraq) and it's sold on the world market. That's enough to drive down the price for a few more years. Did you see with the Venezuela strike, that oil is tight on the world market, ONLY Saudi Arabia has enough excess producing capacity to make up for the oil lost from the Caracas strike action. Every day, those reservoirs deplete a little more, and we inch closer and closer to the point where supply cannot meet demand. A month or two ago, I thought Bush wouldn't invade. Now, I think he will. What OTHER theatrical tricks can he use to keep the whacko right-wing together? You saw the moment Lott trips over his own dick, the motherfuckers in his OWN party eat him alive. Republicans are fucking cannibals. At it's heart, it has NOTHING to do with Lott the racist slut, it has to do with the others seeing an opening to gain an advantage. It's fukking Rollerball out there. Oh, and the American people? That's just a cow to be milked, and slaughtered to the Chinese importers, when the milk production drops off a little. The cost of the war will be some fantastic number like 12 Billion a month. It will deplete the American treasury, like the Spanish was depleted in the 15-16 century. But the question is; what is the exit strategy? How do we get out without Iraq dissolving into 100 warring factions and being the next Afghanistan? Worse than we found it with madman Saddam at the helm? Will American soldiers be playing the part of the Israelis? Having to push tanks into neighborhoods and take down the houses while the occupants throw stones and engage in suicide bombing? Not to mention every Islamists will be on steroids with anger and hate. Wouldn't it be better to go into warp drive producing fuel cell cars? Fuel cells are about 73% efficient, compared to gas cars being somewhere around 18% efficient. Fuel cell cars do something like effectively double the worlds supply of oil. That would make the cost of oil drop to the point where the Saudis could barely pay their "social costs" to their own citizens. They would be near instantly transported back to where Argentina is right now; without a fukking pot to piss in. Poor Argentina, well, the girls are beautiful down there, and you can probably buy a dozen for about a dollar two ninety eight.

I’m heading north to Phoenix for a few days at my sisters place. The usual family holiday stuff for me, thank you very much. With the Eagles just pounding Dallas tonight, I'm in heaven. Life is good.

I’ll update at when I can through the holiday. Ya’ll have a good weekend.

Friday, December 20, 2002

so young, so perfect   I   gahhh zdenka   I   brrrhhh zdenka

The Sixers host the Lakers tonight I can taste blood. A win would make three straight victories over the LA joy-boys in Philly. Oh, I want it bad.

I can barely put into words how much I fucking totally despise the Lakers. Bunch of fucking prima donnas. I can’t wait to see the lackluster defense those pretty boys put up tonight against Iverson, who just came off a 41 point game against the T-wolves on Wednesday. They only lost to the Nets last night by, what was it, 26? I'm sure they've really got it together.

Well, I know what I’m doing later, how about you?

Larry sends in this pile of hot blonde galleries. Everyone say "Thanks Larry".

From: Curtis Subject: [No Subject] big jon....... if anyone was around in tuscon last winter and if you where riding everyday... there is a good chance you ran into this guy... he is a true icon on the road racing circuit, pick and major race in the states and he will be there........ his name the one and only............Skiles p.s- he is real www.orangepeeldesign.com/skiles.html

I know the name, but not the man. And I like the site, talk about a mindless time fuck. I thought I had that market cornered. I don’t know shit. Yee haa. Yeah, I hear ya buddy. You’re preaching to the choir.

Mike writes in and says you won’t read about this in America. He’s probably right. I need a fucking drink.

Just click here and ask me why some other time.

Anyone got something like this for sale?

From: Matt Subject: Jonny can you post this I am looking for a Voodoo Shango frame, in good condition medium or large. I will pay well. email me if you have one lobonegro7@hotmail.com

And Dave Evil can drink like a man.

From: Mudflap Subject: the truth about the big suv well, here is a great article... washingtonmonthly.com/features/2001/0212.mencimer.html explains alot, but nothing we of the two-wheeled world hadn't figured out already.

You like games, do ya? Well, give old sober santa a whirl. Thank you Andy for the link to that one. Drunk Santa rules.

From: djd Subject: Most important court ruling ever STATE v. HOBBS. Appeal from the Iowa District Court for Kossuth County, Donald J. Bormann, Judge. REVERSED AND REMANDED. Opinion by Larson, J. After Ronald Hobbs was denied a permit to sell beer during a RAGBRAI stop, his nephew and son provided the beer to RAGBRAI riders from a tent in rural Kossuth County. The beer was given away, but jars labeled tips were placed on the counter in the tent. Hobbs, who was not at the tent when the beer was given away, was eventually convicted of bootlegging, maintaining a liquor nuisance, and failure to have a beer permit in connection with the events. Hobbs appeals. OPINION HOLDS: I. The State concedes it presented no evidence that beer was furnished to underage drinkers and that bootlegging cannot be established under that alternative of the offense of bootlegging. Likewise, the State failed to prove bootlegging by way of a sale or gift of beer in violation of the law. II. The charge of maintaining a liquor nuisance cannot be sustained under either the sale or gift alternative. The State offered no evidence other than the fact that RAGBRAI riders were observed receiving beer and placing money in a tip jar, and that evidence does not establish that a tip was required, thus making the transaction a sale. We reject the State's argument that the liquor-nuisance statute encompasses any situation in which a defendant gives beer away or keeps it with the intent to give it away. To read the statute in such a broad manner would criminalize a social host's possession of beer with the intent to serve it to guests. The giving away language of Iowa Code section 123.60 (1999) must be given a reasonable reading and must be limited to those cases in which the gift itself is illegal-such as giving beer to a minor or to an intoxicated person. Merely keeping beer with intent to give it away does not constitute a liquor nuisance. III. Because there was inadequate evidence to support a finding that the defendant sold beer, a charge of failure to have a permit to sell beer cannot be sustained. IV. We reverse and remand for dismissal of the charges.

Yeah, that his pretty close to home. Too close. I can’t wait for Ragbrai.

Beer. July. Naked people. What could be better than that?

I was just talking to Nik the Dick about it today. Oh yeah, we’re making plans. Ragbrai ‘03. Here’s what we’ve got hammered out so far: Get there, drink for a week, and wake up in a ditch.

Same as last year pretty much.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

I’m going to hell   I   hanging friends   I   jenna rules

Think riding a bike is dangerous? Maybe try reading this. Then check out this link I may well have already posted. Same with this link. But, fuck it.

Well, well. What d’ya know.

From: s. Subject: no subject Bicycle Bondage?? Why Not........ bdsmguest.net/bicycle/index155.html Did you say Scooter Chicks olympicsluts.com/galleries/35/index.html Pretty Scary, It's not a bicycle, But it does have two wheels adrenalinelinks.com/gall/sm/promo25/set2.html Bike Shop Lez nexgenfreehosting.com/0603lxnex/11.htm Pantyhose on a bike? olympicsluts.com/galleries/22/index.html Brunette on bike, clothing kinda' on olympicsluts.com/galleries/25/index.html Self Explanatory drunkgalleries.com/main.html ==================================== It's Your Birthday There is a 14 year old kid who asks his dad if he can have a bicycle for his Birthday. His father says, "Well son...Can your dick touch your asshole?" The boy tries it and says, "No daddy, sorry" "Well then you can't have a bike, get the fuck outta here!" Next year the same scenario happens... "Can your dick touch your asshole?" "No dad" "Then get the hell outta my face!" Finally, the boy turns 16, and after a lot of hard work and some gymnastics, the boy's dick can touch his asshole. "Hey, Dad, how about a car now instead of a bike?" The dad says, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" Shining with glee, the kid proudly says, "You bet Dad! Look!" The kid shows his dad that he could in fact touch his asshole with his dick. Then his Dad says, "Good, then go fuck yourself!" ==================================== Bike Story One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was. He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!" Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!" So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy. "Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?" So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?" The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!" .

Make sure and check out smithappens. It’s a good time.

So, how cool is flashing? About as cool as riding around in the woods naked I’d say.

From: William Subject: Fruita CO. trail usage. Hey BigJ, I thought some of your readers may want to know that Fruita Colorado trails are in jeopardy. The 18 RD trail system is in danger of losing trails to Motorcycle usage. Why ? Nobody seems to know. Here are couple sites where info. and email contacts can be made for people to make their voices heard. People who have ridden these trails know how fun and unique they are, not to mention perfect for Singlespeeds. Use tact but let them know their trail plans are lame. Write and let them know how you feel (I channeled all my angst towards our governments policies into my letter, it was sweet). I wanted to call them DUMBFUCKS but that never works so I'll say it here. They are Assholes for even thinking this is a good thing when there is absolutely no pressure from motorcycle advocates. For those that do not know, losing even a few trails there will fuck up that whole trail system. petefagerlin.com/bookcliffs.htm gj.net/%7Eedge/bmx.html

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

lesbians rule   I   mason   I   monique

Remember John Kelso, the guy I wrote last week ‘cause he said "cycling isn’t a sport"?

Well, take a look at this.

From: Mark Subject: John Kelso Big J, Turns out this guy Kelso is a humorist writer that loves a controversy and a full email box. Here are photos of the guy riding his road bike in TX. Go check it out! texasbiketrails.com/kelso021.html texasbiketrails.com/kelso021.html

No shit. No fucking shit.

That guy took me hook, line and sinker. I am an asshole.

I wrote and told him as much. Ahhh, feels good to fall in a mud puddle ever now and again, eh? Keeps us honest.

Need some last minute ideas for Christmas gift? Bonnie suggests you take a look at this.

Feel better now?

Ah, hell, it’s cold and wet out there. Fuck riding until the sun is high in the sky, my brothers and sisters. I’ll see what it looks like at 10:00.

I’m a pussy, but I’m going to be a warm and dry pussy. Yeah baby. Yeah.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

fun bowling   I   jodie moore   I   tawny roberts

So, what do we have today? Same shit as always. Yee haa. Here is a new gallery of hotties on bikes.

It’s raining in the old Pueblo today. Not so much at this moment, but this morning, while I was riding, it came down like all hell.

I got fucking hammered. I froze my ass off.

Nothing a couple of minutes in a hot shower wouldn’t fix. My legs got red, then itchy, then normal. The road grit and back spackle will all wash out just fine I imagine. But, I’m afraid it’s a different story for the bike.

She has seen better days, that is no surprise, as I believe a clean bike is a sign of weakness. But this is ridiculous. Three hours in the rain and she’s a creaking mess. Just covered with grit and grim, doesn’t even shift anymore. What a wreck. Its going to take a lot of tender loving care before she’ll ride right again.

I’m not sure if I’ve already linked this, but here is some trailer trash. Clicky clicky laughy laughy.

Check this guy out, deon allen. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry. Really.

Well, I gotta tell ya I’m getting sick of this hakkki sack, drum circle, listen to phish all day hippie bullshit "recovery" stuff. This is the big time. I’m ready for the soft clink of ice cube against glass, suspended in tonic and gin, kept company by one slight wedge of lime.

We all have to dream. I just drink.

I’ll all done with my first semester back in school in a long, long time. We all have to dream, I just fail.

And the rain, once past, brings a pleasant sunset to the chilly Tucson sky. A man and a dog and a tennis ball. Age old game of toss, chase and retrieve. It’s a nice life, all things considered.

I really shouldn’t complain.

Monday, December 16, 2002

veronica zemanova   I   shyla foxxx   I   tera patick

It’s Monday and I’ve got my last final tonight. Pretty much means I’m short on time and long on learnin.

I’m just going to throw a little somethin somethin together and bail

From: jason Subject: [No Subject] www.sycip.com/ chainwheel.com/site/page.cfm?PageID=106 www.soulcraftbikes.com/ www.steelmancycles.com/index.html hey man, i'm sure you know all these sites, but if not, cheers

Maybe you should try something new this year around the holidays. Something like this.

From: Russ Subject: Single Speeders call to action I want to pass on an Idea to your loyal readers / viewers. There are people who have no transportation at all. These are the homeless dudes that sleep in the bushes and in shelters. Idea, score a used mountain bike and convert it to a simple single speed and give it to a homeless person. First "find" an old school mountain bike with horizontal drop outs. This is anything made in the 80's and some early 90's stuff. Look in trash heaps, buddies house, garage sales, etc. You may be able to get a "donation" from the garage sales if you tell them what you are doing and you have enough game in your pitch. No huffy or murrys, Come on, just because your homeless doesn't mean you have no self respect. Good choices are old GT, Trek, Hard Rocks, you know, stuff that is well made but not light. Pull off anything that makes a bike shift and all the shit people have bolted on the heap over the years. Take off the large and granny gear up front. Get a couple of 5/8 inch washers to make up for the spacing of the large ring. Next break the chain and hook it up in a 2 to 1 ratio. 18 / 36 for example. The size of the middle chain ring in the front will dictate what cog to use on the back. Don't bother with making this a true single speed non dished rear wheel using a surly or Paul hub. Just make it work. Fix anything that is truly fucked up with replacement used parts. You can source them from your buddy's bike when he is passed out from cheep beer night. Make sure you send the rig out with good rubber and pads. They don't need to be new, but do need to work. Grease up what needs lubing. Put on a drunkcyclist.com decal, maybe a redhook beer sticker, and your done. Finely, buy a piece of chain and a key lock. Combination locks don't work so well in this application. Not all the people we are helping here will be able to make the lock work if they need to remember the combination. (Our benefactor's cognitive skills may be reduced at 2:00 in the morning.) Last, ride the rig for a week to make sure you got it all tight. These people don't own a crescent wrench, much less a metric Allen wrench set. It is also a cool ride. Nothing better than dropping a fully suspended new comer with a fully ridged single speed that costs less than the guys Thompson seat post. This is a way for us single speeders and other bikers to help out others without joining the Knights of Columbus, Rotary or Lions club. And, it is bike related. And woman love to hear you tell the story of how you do this as a hobby. And what is more important in life than impressing the ladies? Attached is an example.. A mid 80's Marin set up ready to ride. Total invested 25 bucks for new pads and foam grips. As the visa people would say " and the good JuJu, Priceless" Keep SS'ing

Sounds like a good idea. Wanna see the finished product? Click here for a pic..

Sunday, December 15, 2002

hotty   I   hotty   I   bunny

When you’re planning back to back days of four hour rides, it calls for a special type of Sunday morning preparation. We’re talking about serious shit here people, pay attention. This is the real deal. The big time. I need a plan.

I found a Led Zepplin BBC sessions cd Big Gay Randy left here on his last pass through town, so I’m rocking that. I’ve been bellyin’ up the coffee hard, just drowning myself. Drinking that shit out of a pint glass, and I’m on my fourth. I’ll show these legs who’s boss. Sure, some doubt the plan. But you know what I say about that.

The plan is sound.

Did I post this.?

From: Patrick Subject: New Road Bike Magazine FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Contact: Patrick Brady at Daly/Brady Media, LLC (310) 502-8076 Dec. 15, 2002 New Road Bike Magazine Daly/Brady Media, LLC is pleased to announce the introduction of Asphalt, a new lifestyle magazine for the dedicated road cyclist. Founded by long-time cycling writer Patrick Brady and cycling enthusiast Lorraine Daly, Asphalt is a magazine for the cyclist that dreams about riding while at work, researches each bike purchase, is looking for the perfect fit, and thinks all vacations include a bike. Each issue of Asphalt will include features on great riding (both in the U.S. and abroad), fascinating people, in-depth bike reviews, and thoughtful looks at the cycling life. Asphalt’s contributors include established and highly-regarded cycling writers: Maynard Hershon provides features as well as the back page column; J.P. Partland serves as the magazine’s East Coast correspondent; and Owen Mulholland will lend his perspective on cycling history beginning in Issue 2. Published quarterly, Asphalt will be perfect bound and printed on heavy-weight, glossy paper--the type of quality befitting the world’s finest road bikes, destinations and riders. The first issue contains 84 pages, 79 of which are devoted to editorial content. The first issue of Asphalt will be available in January 2003. Asphalt is a reader-supported publication and is available directly from the publisher and through select bike shops, but will not be available on newsstands. Subscriptions for one year (4 issues) are $34.95 and individual copies are $9.95 Learn more at www.asphaltmag.com

Saturday, December 14, 2002

fun bags   I   oh my   I   lesbians rule

More god awful christmas shit. This is why you should never catch snowflakes in your mouth with your eyes closed. And bunnies can be mean little sons a bitches when you got something they want.

Just trust me on that.

Thomas Friedman wrote this for the Times:

"This struggle in Iran is symbolized by one man, whose name you should know: Hashem Aghajari, a former Islamic revolutionary and now a college professor, who was arrested Nov. 6 and sentenced to death by the Iranian hard-liners — triggering a student uprising — after giving a speech on the need to rejuvenate Islam with an "Islamic Protestantism." Mr. Aghajari's speech was delivered on the 25th anniversary of the death of Ali Shariati, one of the Iranian revolution's most progressive thinkers. In the speech — translated by the invaluable MEMRI service — he often cited Mr. Shariati as his inspiration. He began by noting that just as "the Protestant movement wanted to rescue Christianity from the clergy and the church hierarchy," so Muslims must do something similar today. The Muslim clergymen who have come to dominate their faith, he said, were never meant to have a monopoly on religious thinking or be allowed to ban any new interpretations in light of modernity. "Just as people at the dawn of Islam conversed with the Prophet, we have the right to do this today," he said. "Just as they interpreted what was conveyed [to them] at historical junctures, we must do the same. We cannot say: `Because this is the past we must accept it without question.' . . . This is not logical. For years, young people were afraid to open a Koran. They said, `We must go ask the mullahs what the Koran says.' Then came Shariati, and he told the young people that those ideas were bankrupt. [He said] you could understand the Koran using your own methods. . . . The religious leaders taught that if you understand the Koran on your own, you have committed a crime. They feared that their racket would cease to exist if young people learned [the Koran] on their own."

Mr. Aghajari statements sounds perfectly reasonable to me. And the guys who run the show have sentenced him to death for what he said. It all sounds a bit familiar to me. What did those in power do to Jesus when he stood up and questioned that power?

They fucking killed him, that’s what they did.

Check out this next email. I got a ton of letters like this forwarded to me after I linked some bozo in Austin who thinks cycling all wussy. This is one of the best, so I posted it.

Thanks to all of you who submitted your emails. You’re fighting the good fight.

From: Ken Subject: Cycling Is Not A Sport? After reading John Kelso's recent article regarding Lance Armstrong and John's contention that cycling is not a sport, I thought I would reply. A couple of qualifiers first: I am not a cyclist. I do ride my bike. I outweigh John by at least 20 pounds due mostly to beer and good old-fashioned greasy food. I don't shave my legs Now, to John's inane rambling.... Fantasy Cycling League? No, there is not. Most people who enjoy the sport of cycling actually participate in the sport, vs. living vicariously through other athletes who we admire through a television set. So John, you are correct. There is no fantasy cycling league. Shaving Legs John seems misinformed on why cyclists shave their legs. They shave their legs because hair creates numerous health and healing concerns when mixed in with the road rash generated from the grinding away of multiple layers of skin when a cyclist crashes at 30+ miles per hour. You see John; there is no padding between a cyclist’s skin and the concrete on which they play their sport. As such, they shave their legs in order to promote healing which in turn prevents infection from in-grown hairs when cyclist's skin is stripped down to hamburger. No Cheerleaders? Well, not in the technical sense that in order to generate interest in a particular event, you require a bunch of nearly naked women to bounce around and promote said event. This relates directly back to participation, vs. living vicariously through others. Why does an event have to have a cheerleader in order to make it legitimate? Is it because you need some eye candy to look at while you are sitting on your couch waiting for the pizza to arrive during half time? I would suggest that if that's what your after from your sports, that the entire internet is filled with devoted sports fans from about 10:00 p.m. until 4:00 a.m. Don't misunderstand, I love women. I love everything about women. I would prefer to participate in sports by involving women, rather than ogling them from a distance with armed State Troopers between them and me. You see, the reason the State Troopers are there John, is allow people like you to look at them without them ever really having to come in contact with your nacho stained hands. Look, but don't touch John. What's the fun in that? I would prefer to actually talk to women and have them respond, not hide behind a police escort. Marching Bands and Bicycle Racing I have not seen a marching band take the field during a bike race. I suggest that you haven't actually seen the entire performance of a marching band. My guess is that if you are at a sporting event, as soon as the halftime starts, you are lined up to try and get as much beer in you as you can. If you are living through athletes at home, then you have already turned the channel to a competing station to try and catch highlights of other people playing a sport that you aren't young enough to play anymore. I have however, seen a number of bands play at bike events. Granted, they aren't marching bands, but they are musicians all the same. The only down side to this, in my opinion, is that the bands tend to drink some of the beer, which leaves less for me. "If the season doesn't start with a bunch of guys gathering around a keg and holding a draft, it isn't a real sport." Are you serious? What season? I ride 12 months a year. My season doesn't end nor does it begin, it just perpetually is. I frequently ride on a Tuesday night ride here in Kansas City. The ride starts and ends at a bar. The bar has gone through 15 kegs of Guinness since March. Rather than having you guess on which night the beer has been consumed, I'll just tell you that so far the record for drinking 20 gallons of Guinness is 2.5 hours and it happened on a Tuesday. Lest you think that we are a bunch of elitists, our other drinking records involve kegs of PBR. You see John, we never STOP drinking so we can't actually start. "it's not considered a real sport unless it comes with a beer ad"? Have you ever been around someone who rides a bike? We are rolling beer ads. You can't really join a group ride without seeing a jersey for New Belgium Brewery, Boulevard Brewery, Sierra Nevada Brewery or Flying Dog Brewery. Of course you are right, cyclists aren't featured with the Coors Light Twins. Neither are football, baseball, hockey or basketball players. In fact, the only people featured in the Coors Light advertisements are (brace yourself), actors! Yes, actors. They people in the commercials are actually being paid to appear in them. Do you really think the Coors Light Twins drink that stuff? Of course they don't, they're obviously the White Zinfandel types that are thrown in front of the stupid people convince them (the stupid people) that if they drink Coors Light, that they too will wind up in a hot tub full of smoking hot women, rather than watching them from between concrete barriers and armed State Troopers with ketchup running down their chin. Giving Back to the Community We don't drink all the time, of course. We also ride bikes and donate our time, labor and money toward worthwhile endeavors. So far this year, we have donated over 3,000 hours to our parks and recreation departments, organizations that provide needy kids with bikes for Christmas free of charge and taking at risk inner city youth out on trails to provide them with recreation options and alternatives through a not for profit organization, Trips for Kids. Of course, none of this is nearly as fulfilling as huddling around a computer on Monday morning, trying to determine which of "your" players performed well on Sunday. I can't imagine the fun I'm missing when I fix a broken bike so that a kid can have a Christmas present rather kicking back on the couch with my laptop and tracking the 30 minutes of production by someone that I will never meet in person as I consider them "my" player. I feel so left out. "How could bicycle riding be a real sport?" Well, put in perspective it's not too hard to make the connection. The Tour De France covers over 2,000 miles in 21 days or about 95 miles of riding a day. The participant’s rides anywhere from 1-6 hours each day non-stop at elevations of up to 10,000 feet. I realize this isn't really comparable to say playing a football game where they play for about 30 minutes each week if they are starters and play every minute. Wow! Now those guys are really out there pushing themselves! 30 whole minutes a week? No wonder they require oxygen to breathe on the sidelines. After all, sometimes they play in Denver where they are WAY up in the mountains where the air is thinner. Conclusion So, with all this said, is it possible that you will change your mind? I doubt it. After all, I lay even money on my ability to best you at the buffet table and at the bar. I also bet I'm in better shape than you are since I participate in my sport rather than living it through someone else. I'm not skinny, nor do I shave, but I do ride my bike. Your article wasn't a complete waste of print, however. I think we can all agree that the French are sniveling, whining surrender monkeys.

Well, that’s about it for now.

Friday, December 13, 2002

jane and laura   I   hotty on a bike   I   another hotty

Happy Friday the 13th.

I’ve got some new Christmas pics to share. Lets see, here is a reindeer meeting the family dog. This is where icicles come from, in case you were wondering. And this is one kinky reindeer. No one can say Rudolf didn’t get his due. Think maybe Santa ain’t too happy with you this year? I think I posted the snowman gif last year. Still funny. And, bringing up the rear, one hell of a festive tree.

From: dub Subject: IDUN / Milkman Hi Jonny, Been a while. Last time I sent you the IDUN promo teaser from the summer: myscribblevision.com/Milk%20Co./IDUN/teaser.mov This time I have something by the same dude just for fun: myscribblevision.com/Milk%20Co./KENsite/video Big props to the Milkman. Pay his rent at: cartnetwork.com/cgi-bin/cpro2/7075/cart.cgi?HIDE=0&A=PID216&Q=1 or eastsidefreeride.com/BB/viewtopic.php?t=59 Thanks for all the good work. Keep it up old boy.

That new video is pretty damn badass.

Here is another gallery of hotties on bicycles. Oh yeah.

Seems this guy doesn’t know much about snow. Bottom of the page on that last link, record setting bicycle.

More doom and gloom, or a good look at the way things are? You be the judge.

From: Mike Subject: RE: www.sltrib.com/2002/Dec/12122002/business/10384.asp right now; oil has over capacity, as shown in this article but don't forget, each individual reservoirs are always in decline from the day it is first produced. Oil isn't "growing" in the reservoir. (actually it "is" in rare cases). but what happens if you can get Iraq up and producing at double or triple it's current level. Well then, my fukking drunk friend, you get five more years of cheaper energy, you delay the inevitable pressure dooming SUV's, but MOST importantly, you survive your tenure as President, and put the American economy which is based on cheap energy on steroids for a little while, even as you are destroying it's liver. This gets into the current CEO mind set, which has NOTHING to do with the long term success of a company. It has to do with surviving your 3-5 years at the helm, and CASHING IN while there. That's Bushes mindset. He is going to cash in ALL HIS CLASS.

Cheap oil, oh how we love cheap oil. Fuck it. Ride your bike.

I think you're hitting the nail squarely in the head with this last installment in the Mike files. Cheap oil is always a strong motivation for foreign policy. We’re so deep in the hole, so dependent on oil, that we’d sell our very souls to keep that black river flowing. To deny it is paramount to denying everything. It's so fucking blatantly obvious to me, I can’t understand why no one else would see it.

But, maybe everyone knows it now, and always has. We just that we don’t talk about it. We say shit like we’re going to "liberate" the poor and downtrodden of Iraq from the dictator of the month.

Yeah, well I say what about the poor and downtrodden in this country? Who’s going to liberate them, to lift them out of the mire of poverty? Where is their champion?

Shouldn’t we clean up our own backyards before we go peaking over the neighbors fence and passing judgment?

This next article is good for a laugh. This bozo thinks cycling isn’t a sport. Uh huh. He goes on about no girls, no drinking and what? I guess he’s never seen this site, eh? Here is the letter I wrote him:

This is in response to John Keslo, who is an Austin American-Statesman columnist I’m told. Good for you, funny man. Hey Kelso, what gives? No beer, no girls, no sport? Are you kidding me? And I’m not going where you think I am with this letter. Oh, no. I’m not going to defend cyclists and their fans as a bunch of sissies who don’t drink and are afraid of naked chicks. Go check out my website, http://www.drunkcyclist.com/index.html, and then think about what you’re saying. Bikes, boobs and beers my friend. Thats what it’s all about for me that the thousands of people who visit my site everyday. Cycling fans get loaded, hire strippers, and shave their legs ‘cause chicks dig it. And about you’re size. You’re a tiny little man at 5 feet 11 inches and 210 pounds. I’m 6 feet 4 inches and 220 pounds. Come back when you’re done growin. I can drink you under the table and then ride circles around you.

Yeah, I gave him what for.

Here are some must reads: talking points memo and a piece on lotts true colors.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

hotty   I   sweet jesus   I   lesbians rule

Here is another hotty on a bike gallery. Oh yes, she is a hotty all right. And, a nice lookin bike as well. Looks to be a nice road model, with a threadless headset even. It that a carbon seatpost.

I am a sick, sick fuck.

Check out the adult industry news for all the stuff you really need to know about people who fuck for a living. Also, check out unamerican.com for all the same reasons. Well, sorta the same reasons.

Belladonna from belladonnaworld sent me this pic the other day. What a pleasant surprise.

And all I did was link her.

From: Marco Subject: no subject Hello from across the pond! Been enjoying your site as usual and have got a couple of videos to share with you and your friends. Downhill racing has really taken off in our club thanks to our man Downhill Jason who has convinced loads of xc jeyboys to get full sus bikes and start racing at Penshurst - our local short course DH centre thats all we've got considering the mountains are hundreds of miles away. Anyway one of our blokes has taken his camera out with him and got some footage - its just a bit of fun but it does give some idea of the local grass roots scene over here and how people are doing it cos its such a good laugh - which is how it always should be. www.bigboybikes.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/videos/index.htm Oh yeah - one of our road riders met Lance, George and the Lion of Flanders when he was in Belgium recently - he has written a great bit on at at www.addiscombe.org/features/nevertooold.htm Stay lucky

Ah fuck, get on it ya bunch of fucks. I liked the video of someone’s first run down some steep little number. He takes a bitch run, stops, goes back, goes at here a second time and eats it. The icing on the cake is the way the poor sod stumbles around a bit when he goes to pick his bike back up.

I don’t even know what to say when I get links like this one: plastic wrap porn. I guess things like, why didn’t I think of that, how I’ve made it this far in life without plastic wrap porn, and it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread all come to mind. As well as things like, there is no God and hot damn, c’mere honey, I gots me an idea.

From: Troy Subject: Cool Video Hey, Now that you are talking about guns... Check out www.magnumfilms.com Check out the Shattermelons... Pure genius. Somebody deserves an Oscar or something...

I’ve got nothing against responsible gun ownership. I own several myself. And I don’t mind telling ya I’ve had to regulate on my share of them pesky melons a time or two.

You just gotta keep them son a bitches in line from the word go. You let ‘em start rolling down hills and shit, well, we all know what happens next.

Total and complete chaos.

We can’t very well have anarchy in the streets. I mean, we’re talking about principles this great country of ours was founded upon. Sometimes a few melons need to die for the greater good. That’s the way caveman did it, that’s the way Dad did it. And that’s the way I do it.

Here’s to wishing you a very merry white trash christmas.

From: Mike Subject: RE: Bush never met a rich fuck he didn't want to give the biggest government property gift too, if at all possible. Today’s news is he will turn the USPS over to some rich fucks who will take the money routes and fuck you about the rest. Bush is a spineless little fuck who is holding the right wing, screw the poor, screw the blacks, screw the Joe Smoe rich together by beating the war drum. The more overt he gets (and he is getting there, on a daily basis now) towards gifting the rich, the MORE he has to beat the war drum. It's a fucking death spiral that will only stop when regular American pull back on the reins, HARD. Oh, and if you think Iraq isn't about oil, you're a twit, I'm an oil geologist and Iraq has the second largest reserves in the world, and we don't even know if that is 100 billion barrels, or 200 billion barrels, or somewhere in between. Now, ANWR that the little Bush spineless fuck wants to drill so bad, has MAYBE three billion barrels. You figure it out. Here is how this little pretend fuck "West Texas Sheriff" who never worked an honest fucking day in his life while McCain served his country in a Vietnam prison, fucked over McCain in the latest little shaft move of a spineless dog. workingforchange.com and fuck the public forests, Bush turns them over to straight up; no oversight logging msnbc.com/news/846286.asp?0dm=C14NN and fuck the Vietnam Vets who are serving out their twisted lives in the USPS washingtonpost.com

What can I say? Hit the links and read the stories. Information is the best thing you can possibly warn yourself with.

I have it on good authority from some friends across the pond that they view this Iraq thing is really all about oil. I’ll just quote on of my brothers in arms, who says he is "aware that this is strictly about controlling oil & putting a pro western regime in Iraq, like the rulers of Saudi & Kuwait"

‘Nuff said.

This is nerd revenge. Oh yes, I am in a very political vein these days. And I’m out to prove quoting can be cool. Stay in school.

This is part of an email I got this week. The more I read it, the more I like it.

"Don't have a cool handle like Big Johnny, but my real name is Attila, who was himself a fairly serious dude and ranks, I believe, number four on the all time killer list. Which is why I think I have the Bushes so dialed in - they're just the new kids on the block jockeying for their piece of History, to get into the Big Leagues with Attila and Alexander and Ghenghis Khan and Timur Leng (Tamerlane) and Mao - or rather, to prove once and for all that the White Man still rules and can kick ass over those rapacious, raggedy eastern hordes (remember, Bush Sr. was ambassador to China during the Nixon administration; he was stationed in Nanjing for a while, not Beijing, which is significant because that is where Dai Lee operated, who was the head of Chiang Kai Shek's Secret Service, the largest and ugliest such agency in the history of the world. Then Bush comes back, becomes head of the CIA - fascinating, fascinating story all laid out in history). Yes, Bush Sr.'s innermost instinct is to be the Big Dog on campus, but he rationalizes it so passionately to his friends by avowing that he's just protecting the White Race, that he's managed to fully convince himself. And of course it's all silly, because as a scientist I can tell you that genetically there is no such thing as "white man" or "arab" - as you so eloquently prove on your website, our below-the-waist appendages all fit together in an infinite variety of ways, which people discovered very early in history and proved again and again through some intensive interracial male-female communication. But to finish with the Bushes, it is the pursuit of a dynasty that really moves that family, not Millie, Barbara's furry little smokescreen of cuteness."

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

kari   I   chrissy m   I   sylvia saint

Don't worry, I already know the boozemasters forum is down. I've just got to sort out some dns bullshit and it'll be back up. Hopefully by tomorrow.

I threw together a quick little gallery today. Say hello to number 27.

Mudflap sends in this link and it’s a fucking scary one.

From: Mike Subject: you; and the anti you for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction for all matter there is antimatter I found drunkcyclist now I've found the opposite of you www.pixyland.org/peterpan/ try not to get in a truck, drive cross country, and put this fucker out of his misery, than might not be legal in the strict sense

Its been awhile since I’ve seen that site. So long in fact, that I was able to forget it even existed. Now the nightmares will undoubtedly return.

I pride myself on being a pretty liberal guy, but for fucks sake man, what are you thinking?

From: M Subject: you’re a stupid motherfucker dude... I come here to read about bikes and pussy (more so the pussy) and every FUCKING TIME its the Republicans this, Bush that, Clinton's only fault was that he lied about fucking a chubby pussy this, and Bush blew up the World Trade Center hisself and killed thousands of Americans that- SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU NUMB FUCK! You have gone the way of the Beastie Boys, Rage Against the Machine, and CAKE: You make a little website (albeit loaded with some real nice pussy & bike links) and all you can do is use it as a forum to spout shit only a Floridian or public defender could love! Please man, I am not entirely for George W. Bush, but if you keep telling people that we're at war for some oil, man, PEOPLE WILL BEGIN TO BELIEVE that shit! Saddam Hussein is a sick fuck. The whole middle east is a nest of fucking cockaroaches, and we should burn the whole place down (after we rescue the hot iraqi pussy first, if there is such a thing). Please dude, keep it about the pussy... and the bikes... for me? Or at least for pussy's sake?

Man, I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.

I don’t care much for Hussein or Bush. They both chug it as far as I’m concerned. I got the whole axis of evil right here in my pants.

I just don’t understand why Iraq is such a big deal. Sure, Hussein is a freak, but you gonna tell me North Korea and China aren’t a giant collection of cocksuckers?

They all fucking suck. All of them. But, what does all this constant bomb dropping do in the long run? Are we really changing anything for the better?

Or, are we just making it worse?

From: Pistol Pete Subject: libel Didja read the one about libel law in Australia? Seems they're tryin' to yoke the folks who tell us interesting stories. So real quick while we have the chance I've got one for you. Seems Bill Clinton AND Uncle George Dubya came by my place lookin' to suck some dick. I wasn't home(of course),I was on the ol' war pony. So the both of'm left a note sayin' they was headed on over to your place 'cuz they had a real hankerin' fer some sweaty cycle dick. I swear by the cycle Gods! They even signed the note. Acourse I had to burn it and then wash my hands afterwards. Shit, I read that story about Dubya havin' ballsweat on his hands. Anyway keep up the good work,

I like you style. Get yours while the gettings good.

From: Bikeboy Subject: Too close! Hey Nutbag, Got a shitty story with an O.K. ending. Just rolled in from South Mountain with a buddy a few minutes ago. He wanted to take his new Sugar 1 out, so we cruised National & Javelina. Great ride, but we got caught out in the dark. No problem, I had a headlight & I gave him my taillight. We'd just stay together on the road & use each others light. Just came over the overpass leading into Guadalupe & some shithole in a 4 door white Caprice just cruised through the intersection on the bottom of the overpass & missed my rear end by a few & sent my bubby airborne over his trunk. As soon as I saw him drag his bike out of the road, I tried like hell to chase down that piece of shit in the Caprice, but my full suspension was no match. By the time I made it back, the Paramedics & Sheriff were tending to him. He is O.K. with only some left side roadrash & the Sugar came through with only a few scratches. The scary thing is, if he would of been on my tail like we planned, he would have been toast. There is nothing worse than looking over your shoulder & watching your riding buddy get plowed by a half ton of Detroit. FUCK those Chicken shit Assholes! Fuck em all! If we ever find that dude we're gonna skullfuck him with our forkblades.

Jesus, I’m glad to hear everyone came out of that alive. Scary shit, man. I know just where you’re talking about. It’s a good place to get hit for sure. People just blaze right through there all the time. And they have the fucking stop sign.

From: David Subject: Zone Out Hey Big Jonny, This may be my last correspondence to you forever. Thursday, at noon, a limo will pick me up and take me to O'Hare, where I will board a plane with my A#1 drinking partner Leroy and head on down to New Orleans for three days. I plan on performing one of the most stellar sustained benders ever in the history of skinny cyclist drinking. A girl I know thinks "I need to eat more", because she can see all my ribs. You know what? Fuck that. Fuck that right in the chocolate garage. It will be Irish Whiskey, Turbo Dog and Blackened Voodoo (which can give you Rodan farts), Oysters up the yang, gumbo, seafood, and little or no sleep. Blame it on genetics. I am a born rider. And thanks to that little addiction gene so well anchored in my genetic ladder, I'm a born drinker too. Oh hell, I guess you play the cards you're dealt, and the next three days, I am praying for Lady Luck to dish out some serious cards. It could be worse, instead of riding and drinking, I could be one of those fucks that gets his rocks off by ass fucking little kids, like the priests. So, in case my system decides to take an extended vacation, or my heart explodes, let this be my farewell. May you and the others watch over my beloved Team Evil, and let these be my last words : "Cock motherfucker, shit. Pour another and shut yer hole."

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

hello sunshine   I   nikki nova   I   redhead

So, I'm watching football Monday night, and a Ford truck commercial comes on. No big deal so far, right? Football, trucks, the usual. Then I notice the song they’re playing.

It’s the Decendents "I don’t wanna grow up".

Are you shitting me? The Decendents are doing a fucking Ford commercial?

I think hell just froze over.

From: filthy lover Subject: the beard game hear ya go big man, you might have seen this already but what the fuck, dr. harold shipman if you didnt know is i think britains most err succesful serial killer if that makes sense. something like a confirmed count of 50 and possibly up to 300 where the rumors i heard. are you going back to the system after sundays tube massacre? www.b3ta.com/namethatbeard/ -- the horse lie, cheat, steal and listen to heavy metal music.

Two things: I really, really suck at the beard game. And who the fuck are those people I’m supposed to choose from? I think I might live on the wrong side of the pond for that one.

Yes, I am the flatmaster. Only one man can wear the crown. There can be only one.

It just fucking sucks it had to be me.

The system, oh the system will make you or break you. It broke me. I hear that on a New Mexico group ride, if you flat and you’re not running the system, they will not wait for you.

And, almost everyone there is on the system. It isn’t so bad pushing those fucking tanks around when all the wheels in the bunch ride like they’re full of peanut butter. It really sucks when only yours do.

You wanna feel the pain? Show up for a group ride when guys are running wheels that cost more than my car and weight less than the bowl of oatmeal I had for breakfast. Try turning an eight pound set of wheels at 25 for a few hours. See what that’s like and tell me its fun.

It is unbelievably hard.

God, I hate myself sometimes. Maybe I should just d-up and stop being such a fucking pussy?

And you know I love a different viewpoint.

From: Randy Subject: Total Bullshit Hey Johnny, Been spockin' out your site for about three months, it totally rocks!!! However, Michael Moore and Columbine can lick the big one, he's such an elitist pig, he'd probably run your ass over if he was driving the limousine after leaving his latest love-me-fest. If your pussy-assed liberal fucks can't ride with the big dogs, then stay on the porch. I'm pro'ly more Dem than 'Pub, but you can take the Manchurian Candidate McCain and blow it out your ass, Mr. Campaign Finance Reform or should we call him "Get over it, ya got hammered in South Carolina, ya puss", by a dumb, coat-tail ridin', stupidly educated Harvard-Yale man?!?!? For me, a perfect day off is 18 in the morning, (golf or the alternative is ok), poppin' some caps, either at clay pigeons or Osama paper, then cap it off with a 40-miler through the city, honkin' off every SUV driving douchebag commuting home from the fucking PETA building. So bag your fucking s-types, dawg, we got better things to do, and this web site epitomizes two of the majors, porn and hammerheads. The third is seriously lacking, ie., I should start sending you links to boss gun sites, but I await some 'tude changing to some other cool shit. Peace out, j-dawg. Bike Fool.

Fuck, that letter rules. Shoot guns, eat pussy. And hey, look, the whole Iraq thing is explained in one simple graphic. It makes so much more sense to me now. More from democracy means you. Thanks to Kyle for the link.

From: Hank Subject: Bush I had a guy try to persuade me that Bush was a genius who couldn't speak well last week. "Governor, thank you very much. I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." Arlington, Virginia, October 2,2001 ( Bush speaking ) p.s. Everyone loves Shamu. And Babe, pig in the city. Any port in a storm.

Ain’t it the truth baby. Ain’t it the Gods honest truth.

And, I like what you said about fucking fat chicks too.

I’m going with a big letter posting update this time. Check out this next one.

From: Luke Subject: [No Subject] just to let you know....drunkcyclist will be represented @ the North American Cycle Courier Championships this coming weekend. I’m wearing the jersey. I will do my best to get some pix.

Right on man, go get some. I’ll lift a glass skyward this weekend and wish you well. Hell, I think I’ll just hoist that glass right now.

Jason asks you not to forget this link. Or maybe he was asking me not to forget it?

One more link and I’m out. This is so fucked. Check out the man juice diet.

Monday, December 9, 2002

yeah right   I   hoo ahh   I   sylvia saint

This is a depressing first for drunkcyclist. To my knowledge, this is the first time a fan of my site has left us for the great group ride in the sky.

From: Gary Subject: we've lost a great one Hey Big Jonny Just wanted to give to a heads up that we've lost a great rider and friend. "Dor" Rowell, webmaster at rollindor.com passed away yesterday, 12/2. I don't have any details yet but thought you should know. Dor was a great friend, rider, wrench, drinker & I know a big fan of your site. Ride on Dor.

I’m really sorry to hear about that. My condolences go out to the family.

Although I never had a chance to meet Dor in person, I was able to communicate with him via email on a few occasions. I found him to be a witty, funny guy who loved bikes and Ragbrai.

I’ll be thinking of Dor when I ride my bike tomorrow.

On to something a little more upbeat. I recently had the chance to check out the tour baby video. It’s one mans view of the Tour from back in 2000. He flew to France with little more than a round trip ticket and a video camera. He came back with a very interesting collection of memories.

You can see all the crazy Tour cars that ride the route each day, the Devil, and all kinds of crazy fans. Lots of road side action, and all the proceeds are donated to the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

You should also check this out. It’s a nice little pre-nup you might want to share with that special someone about that special something in your life, your bicycle.

Here is a list of obscure sexual terms from nitz.net. You might just learn something.

And you thought you had cool christmas lights on your house.

Holy shit, it’s a great white!

Check out frank tuesday.

Go read this and decide, are the Democrats a bunch of sellouts? You make the call.

Oh, and don't forget about your chance to get a free cd rom full of hot chicks on bicycles.

Sunday, December 8, 2002

lesbians   I   vanessa   I   randi

I don’t usually go for the two-fer update in one day. But, today is special. Not only did I get three flats in less than an hour, I got two of them on the same 6 mile stretch of dirt road.

Yeah, that’s right, dirt road. Hey, you wanna make and 80 mile loop interesting, sometimes you gotta string together some weird shit. And we did.

At least I wasn’t cured like the X-Man, using his lone quickfill on his lone tube only to have it leak immediately. I think ‘crestfallen’ would be a good word to describe him at that moment. Oh, he was straight pissed the fuck off about that one.

Here are two emails worth sharing.

From: Response Subject: RE: reading material from response Bro, The "war w/Iraq" is a fucking cover up. We could have installed referees or scheduled an inspection for the last 10 years since we beat their asses. The homland protection act is the real deal. In less than 60 days bush will have made one of the biggest power grabs in history. No one seems to put two and two together. In the 80's the C ia created alkeda. When did their ties break?? It's like your girlfriend coming home and finding a box with only two condoms in it. She's like "Well, there are three in a box, and we don't even use condoms, oh well". People are in denial that bush blu up d fucking buildings. Hitler killed millions of his own people in his power grab, bush only had to kill a few thousand. Then we scatter a few bombs around in afgan when there is nothing there to blow up, and we know for a fact that all of the strong holds that WE BUILT FOR THEM are in the goddamn mountains and are immune to such attacks. All to make americans feel vindicated from the teroritz threats. Now they are going to put our god fearing boys in the line of fire. Fuck those fucking fucks!!!! What can you do about it? Not a goddamn thing! Now be a good in-duh-vidual, drive your gas guzzling suv (to put more money in derfurer's pocket), watch tv (believe everything, form your opinions, adjust your family values), avoid excersize, let your kids eat too much garbage and get fatter every year, buy off road vehicles in stead of saving, take only the drugs that were prescribed to you by your doctor or supervisor, let the schools system raise your children and take responsibility for their failures, form politically retarded special interest groups like Now PETA NAACP, Gays, Mexicans, Anti-abortionists, Pro-abortionist ETC that only serve to keep us divided (god forbid the gays NAACP Mexicans and abortionist or any combination of groups could unite their numbers and make a difference), subscribe to the idea that racism is a "white thing", oh yeah and shut the fuck up and pay your taxes.

If that doesn’t just make ya pissed off as all hell, click here for an even bigger rant by the same guy.

Kinda makes ya wish ya actually voted last time out, eh compadres. I know I voted, and those bastard found away around it in the end. Sure, I voted for Gore and he tanked. And fuck Nadar, that ticket splitting a-hole.

OK, don’t fuck him. Nadar was the best choice of all, but he just didn’t have a snowballs chance it hell. Damn shame too, I think he had some great ideas.

Same with John McCain. Great ideas, notably getting the corporate check book out of the whole legislative arena. You just can’t expect a man to receive tens of millions of dollars from some one interest and not have any reciprocation. Its an idea who’s time has come. But, our friend John has a troubling habit of referring to anyone of Asian decent as a "gook", "nip" or what have you.

You just can’t do that and expect to be the leader of the free world. Apparently though, you can be a son-of-a-rich-man, worthless, pea brained, draft dodging, boozin’ it up drunk driver who never amounted to shit on his own and only rides his Daddy’s coattails straight into politics the Presidency.

That, well, that’s fine. People will vote for that. Bang some fat ugly intern and lie through your teeth about it, oh, that will piss off everyone.

I don’t get it. Hasn’t everyone hit up a ditch pig and lied about it? Isn’t that like a rite of passage, a badge of honor, a fucking requirement of manhood?

Am I alone?

I don’t think so, you bunch of pig fuckers. I see what you’re doing out there, 4:30 in the morning on Saturday night. Take one for the team, son. Don’t worry your secret is safe with me, whale stabber.

From: Troy Subject: Bowling for Columbine Hey, I agree that everyone should see that movie. I'm going to school here in France for a year. Three of my friends and I saw this movie in Paris. We were the only Americans in the theatre, and no one clapped at the end. I don't think it made Europeans like us anymore. I'm glad that Mr. Moore was able to produce a film that showed some of our weaknesses instead of just making us Americans look all better and superior and crap. Troy Your website rocks.

Yeah, it really feels good to be an American today. I fucking hate Republicans and I can barely stand my own party, the Democrats. They’re all just a bunch of rich, out of touch cocksuckers.

I don’t think any of them make the world a better place to live. Not at all. We’d be better off with a whole slew of new faces and fresh ideas in politics.

Fuck it, I’m watching foot ball and downloading porn for the rest of the day.

Sunday, December 8, 2002

zdenka   I   sandra   I   lesbians rule

Whatever update I had planned for today, I’ve tanked it. I’m running with this instead.

I saw the new Michael Moore film bowling for columbine last night.

When the movie ended the audience burst out in loud, enthusiastic, sustained applause. Something I have never seen in my entire life.

Everyone should go see that movie. Everyone. Everywhere. Today.

That’s about all I have to say about that.

Saturday, December 7, 2002

jade   I   sanja angie   I   sofia

Tom sent me this link. I am both amazed and appalled. I mean, holy shit, who knew you could do that?

From: Greg Subject: Good link Here is a good link for ya. Can you read Spanish? Ahhh who cares. Enjoy! lachica.metropoliglobal.com

Ah yes. That is a good link. It is a very, very good link. Luckily, I have no life to speak of, so I can sit here and just click away. I wonder if I’ll make it though all 888 pics before I crack.

I can’t even make it past pic number 6.

For fucks sake.

OK, I made it. Now number 7 is my wallpaper. I still haven’t made it past the first ten. I need a rest. This might kill me. Gotta get tough, I hear Snake might be in town soon. And you all know what that means.

Ass kicking.

I’m sorry to say I’m discontinuing the ‘shops across the land’ section of drunkcyclist. It’s just getting to be too much to maintain. I’m a pussy, I know.

So, what I’ve decided to do instead is create a part of boozemasters for the listing. Just click here to go check it out. Please feel free to post as much as you’d like.

Remember, information wants to be free.

Laura brings the goods just like always. I think I saw that girl on Ragbrai.

Or, maybe it was her sister?

From: Ryan Subject: Texas Bicycle Coalition News The Texas Bicycle Coalition will launch a new program to increase and improve natural surface trail opportunities in Texas by promoting the first ever trail building team in the Lone Star state. The program is modeled after the highly successful International Mountain Bicycling Association’s "Subaru/IMBA Trail Care Crew" and will consist of a team of professional trail builders who are trained in sustainable trail construction. The funding for the program comes from a Texas Parks and Wildlife Recreational Trails Grant and Subaru of America, Inc. The trail building team of Ryan Spates and Susan Stormer, both of Houston, will serve as the program ambassadors. They will travel throughout Texas for the two-year period of this program to address volunteer trail construction issues. The team will work in building stronger partnerships between local mountain bike clubs, land managers and other organizations interested in promoting natural surface trails. TBC will send an official press release on this program in the next few weeks. Since Texas is the first state in the nation to adopt this program, we expect to get quite a bit of coverage in the cycling press. The Trail Team will officially start in January 2003. Visit www.biketexas.org for more information.

You're out there doing the right things, my man. It's good to see.

I think I already posted this, but who knows. bikesnotbombs.org.

Oh yeah, you are an arse.

Friday, December 6, 2002

heather   I   gauge   I   susana

I’m going to make some new sites of the week, and a new mp3. Just because I can. Also, I’ll put up some a new video. I’ll run it for awhile and see if the traffic stays at a manageable level. Hopefully, fingers crossed, it won’t tank el site.

Yee haa. You have got to check out this site. It’s iamtrouble. I linked it a bit back, but I figure some of ya may have missed it. You will not believe this girl. She eats fire, likes guns, and she likes the sauce.

Do I even have to mention she had the word "fuck" tattooed across the inside of her fingers? She’s more hardcore than half this fucking town. You will be amazed.

Also, check out Denver’s own modern drunkard. I’m on the fucking floor reading the bar signs section.

I can’t wait to incorporate them into my next beer swilling experience.

I also bitched up the link to rythumandflow.com back in November. I just now fixed the link. Ain’t I a lazy fuck?

Oh, and it just don’t stop. Don't forget, we're actually holding a contest here at drunkcyclist. You could be a winner. Yes, you, ya stupid fuck.

Nathan send in these links, first up aliens again. Don’t miss the link on the bottom of the page to more of this dudes insanity. Also click on wetcircle for tons of free porn. You’ll probably pay the price with pop ups. I know I did.

I’m just sittin here thinkin about smokin and drinkin.

Here is a bunch of hottie pics from RoCket Boy. Just what I’d expect from the lad.

I’ve been asked a few times if I really think athlete octane is any good. I can tell you it’s the real deal.

It’s a cumulative type of thing. You take it for about ten days, then you really start to feel it. One shot every day. And, anything I drink out of shot glass has to be good, right?

The price may seem steep at first, but a bottle lasts a long time. A big old can of Cytomax will set you back a few bucks too, but it’s worth it, right?

Same idea. Buy the jug, take it for a month. You’ll be impressed. I know I am.

Thursday, December 5, 2002

ashley (already linked?)   I   adele stephens   I   nice implants

In case you’re wondering just what the rest of the world thinks about us as Americans, read the new Pew Global Attitudes survey at NPR.org.

I think "depressing" would be a good word to describe it.

You can vote on the cyclingnews.com reader poll right now by clicking here.

It’s like the Animityville fucking Horror in my house today. Where did all these flies come from?

If these little cocksuckers spell out anything on the wall other than the letters "p b r" I am so out of here.

I mean really. Why do all those jackasses in the horror movies make the same mistakes over and over again. Doesn’t anyone ever figure that shit out?

If a bunch of flies spell out the words, "you suck big jonny, we’re going to kill you" on the wall, why stay? I guess I could have a good old time torchin up the sum bitches with a lighter and an aerosol can of WD-40. But, I’d still bail.

Take it from experience, you just can’t hide that many corpses.

If you feel like a little reading, you might like this story. I have no idea who the guy who wrote it is, or why he calls himself ‘badtz maru’. I think badtz maru is a penguin character who hangs around the block with ‘hello kitty’ and the like. Fucking wacky.

And don’t forget about the little contest I’m running these days. Oh, bring on the pics.

Oh, and chew on this one. A guy named Ralph Waldow Emerson once said the whole point of it is "finding beauty in ones necessary journey."

Think of it as a goal of mine.

Although right now it is damn hard to find any beauty in the Kentucky Quickstep, Tennessee Trot and Montezuma Revenge I’m suffering from at the moment. What’s happening to me is nothing nice.

Here is a holiday poem from my man Casey. He says to eat shit. Or, maybe he’s just telling me to eat shit? Well fuck you then.

To breathe life into the transparency,
Tonic.

To shatter any chance of monotony,
Lime.

To mix the drink perfectly,
A mean tilt of the glass,
Till the ice hurts your teeth
And the day seems better.

To prevent further worry,
Repeat.

Wednesday, December 4, 2002

um…   I   lesbians   I   hello again, satan

Jimbo’s got a whole big report and pictures deal up at his website. Just click here to check it out.

If it was a week long event instead of over in one short day, it’d rival Rabrai.

There is a kick ass Patrick O’Grady interview over at dirt rag. You should go read it. He’s the reason my server got shut down two months ago.

I’m not bitter, I’m just not drunk. It’s sorta like bitter, but it’s spelled different: Sober. War is hell, ain’t it?

I’m not sure what part of my lame diet yesterday had come back to haunt me this morning, but damn. I’m paying the penance of ten hard core sinners today. I really wish this would just stop so I could ride.

I can’t very well risk it now. Being more that a couple of steps from the toilet is still a bit risky, as I’m dealing with constant reminders of, yes, my shit really does stink.

To don the lycra and head out in these conditions would be paramount to suicide. Or, at least I’d want to die after I made a mess of my shorts and had to ride home mired in mud and shame.

The horror is too much to even contemplate.

I found this on fark last night. Remember the Queen album cover with all the naked chicks? Then you are gonna love this.

I know I did.

I just know you’re gonna love this next link. You're gonna love a lot of things with me today as I piss fire out my ass and want to die. I give you steve. He gets it done, even if he is in a tiger suit.

There is a survey for cyclists over at the ADOT bicycle and pedestrian program website. Take the time and go fill it out. It’s worth it.

Tuesday, December 3, 2002

oh my   I   erica campbell   I   scooter chicks rule

So, you want to make your own bush speech do ya? Well, now you can. Your prayers have been answered.

I guess Boonen served whatever remained of his contract with USPS. Good for him, I say. If a guy like Hincapie wants to squander his best years on a team built for Armstrong and the Tour, fine. That is his choice. I thinks it’s a bad one, because Hincapie has the talent to win Classics. If he was on the right team, he would have already done so many times over.

So young Tom Boonen bailed out and joined up with Quick-Step. Yeah, he’s a player. He’s in the game. He’s a winner

"In this way arouse drunk cyclist: half lamentation, half lampoon; half echo of the past, half menace of the future; at times, by it’s bitter, witty and incisive criticism, striking the bourgeoisie to the very heart’s core; but always ludicrous in its effect, through total incapacity to comprehend the march of modern history."

Yeah, I pretty much just misquoted the shit outta that moron Karl Marx. So sue me. I only changed two words. Can you guess which ones? I'll give ya a hint, look for the ones in italics.

Ol' Karl sure could write some long sentences. I'll give him that. They don't make any fucking sense, but they sure are long. Lookit 'em go, go Karl, write more, don't be stoppin now. Git on it, Karl.

This is one hell of an old email, just so you know. But, it’s still funny.

From: Bob Subject: and some say Boston is uptight. the Boston rock stations had a party with this one. The kids even named the fucking thing....long live the "Mattapan Ice Breaker" City closes down Mattapan sex bus by Franci Richardson Friday, October 18, 2002 City officials yesterday shut down the ``Mattapan Ice Breaker,'' an abandoned school bus where neighborhood teens allegedly would pay $3 a pop to loose their virginity to drug-addicted prostitutes. ``Most of the prostitutes are believed to be drug addicts who are selling their bodies for money,'' said Lisa Timberlake, spokeswoman for the city's Inspectional Services Department. The ``Ice Breaker'' sits on a rat-infested old school bus lot - littered with trash - on Regis Road that has been taken over by area teens who have converted it into a haven for sexual escapades, drug use and stripping cars. ``I see white woman, almost naked with boys,'' said Jacques Jean, a Mattapan resident and business owner. ``Every Friday night or Saturday night, you see so many women walking the streets.'' Inspectional Services yesterday removed trash and towed the 30-foot bus out of the lot. ``This is not the first time we've been out here and it's probably not going to be the last time,'' said ISD Commissioner Kevin Joyce. Authorities were trying to trace the tax titles to find the property owner, who they believe is a Dorchester man. The owner, Timberlake said, will be cited for improper maintenance of the property, failing to board up an abandoned building, housing a full tank of oil on the property and rat infestation. ``The situation itself is horrible,'' said Timberlake. ``No one should have to live around an environment that's dealing with these type of issues.

I can't believe I just "found" this email after all this time. Fuck me, what the hell is going on around here? If I had any fucking employees I'd be firing somebody.

Geoff sent in these links about two and half years ago. I’ll just post them today. Beetlejuice and Hank the dwarf. Geoff’s email only said, "Oh Lord have mercy.".

Truer words have never been spoken.

Here is another look at the new drunkcyclist jersey and kit. He he, yeah.

Go check out thetourbaby.com. Tell me that doesn’t have ya wishing for summertime, big ass climbs and the mother fucking Tour.

Yeah baby. Go check this. I’m warmer than those guys.

Monday, December 2, 2002

chrissy m   I   jessie capelli   I   roxy carter

Check these guys out, happyfunracing.com.

From: Diogo Subject: More pics Am totally obsessed by this subject, and have just come across 4.kinghost.com/amateur/wives/01/freeafg.htm I hope you get more additions, it’s not an easy fetish to find ! Encourage all your fans to send connected stuff in ! Maybe their own ? ! All very best and much encouragement !

Thanks for the link. I like that gallery. Especially the fifth pic in the series. I mean, damn. And, speaking of getting more additions, I’ve got a good way to encourage new contributions to drunkcyclist.

I’m having a contest.

It’s like this, I’ve got ten kick ass cd roms stuffed full of hotties on bikes pics. Rocket Boy put them together ‘cause he’s a badass. It’s a real slick deal, I think you’d be stoked to have one.

Whomever sends in some kick ass pics of drunkcyclist written on naked girl flesh, gets a cd. I'll take girls on bikes, not on bikes, whatever. But to make sure this is some new material and not the same old pics we keep looking at over and over again, I want to see drunkcyclist written with marker, paint, chain lube, mayonnaise, whatever. Yes, I know, I'm a genius.

It’s first come first serve and I’m runnin’ this thing until the end of the year, which is the same thing as the end of the month when you think about it. You can read all about it here.

Got it? Good. Send pics here

Yeah baby, check out this link from Rocket Boy. Fucking guy rules.

And I made a new gallery today, number twenty six. I’ll be putting together a couple of new ones in the coming weeks, as I have tons of pics showing up in my email. Just fucking tons of them.

The lead time is huge, but I’m gonna mention them anyway. We’ve got some events coming up in Arizona I’d like to mention. The first is the 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo race by epic rides. That one’s coming up in February, on the 15th. Be there or be square.

The second event is the desert classic. That will be held in March, the weekend after the McDowell Meltdown race. Same venue I think. You might want to check that one out too.

I have a racing section over at boozemasters.com. Feel free to post any upcoming events in there. It’s a good place to park info like that, so everyone can get at it.

Sunday, December 1, 2002

sky lopez   I   erica campbell   I   kylie wild

One word. Eagles. Two words. Super Bowl.

I’m just about recovered from the flight of the pigs. Just about. Riding damn near all the single track in the valley in one day is no walk in the park. It's an AFD ride, all fucking day. It's long, it's strong and it's some big time fun. I would recommend it to anyone.

Check out the list of finishers from the flight of the pigs. See that number next to my name? That’s my weight, with the bike of course. I am so pissed I wasn’t the heaviest.

There is always next year.

A man has to have goals.

Like, these guys for example. They now how to get shit done. And how. You think that guy didn’t get right back up after that? Yeah, you know he got right the fuck back up in that shit. Hell, I'll bet he tried it again till he pulled it or broke his bike.

Looks like Boonen is going to bail on US Postal next year, and I can’t really blame him. Read more about it at cyclingnews.com.

And then you have Pantani. Um, yeah. Don’t call it a comeback.

I am going international, baby. Check out these emails. I am the man. I am bad. I am so bad, I should be in detention. I am the man.

From: David Subject: Howdy from France Hello there, I'm a cyclist here in France and just haphazardly stumbled across your site while surfing on the Net. I read the whole thing and checked out all the links. Half the time, I was busting out laughing uncontrollably at all the fucking funny shit I read. It was great. The combo of naked bitches and bikes is a cool theme to explore. In France, you know, we are strangers neither to naked bitches nor to bikes, and we feel pretty strongly about both. Your site is indeed a welcome relief. I'll be telling my friends over here in France to check you out too. That way, you'll have an incredibly huge international audience. Keep up the good work and don't take any shit from any assholes. Best regards, David Paris, France

I’m stoked to hear you like the site. I had no idea I was a hit in France. I guess you learn something new everyday.

From: Pete Subject: [No Subject] Hi, Did you come up with the quote "Just 'cause I slept with you last night doesn't mean I'll ride with you today..." or is it credited to someone rich/famous/whatever (not that you are not any/all of the above). 'cos I kinda like it, and it's been kinda apt on occation... Pete Edinburgh, Scotland P.S. really like the site, just a shame its not really work-friendly which means I dont get to see it as often as I'd like.

I first heard my man Dru throwing that line around at Ragbrai this summer. I’m not sure he came up with it himself, but he rocked it like it was his own. Of course, Dru tends to throw a of things around like he owns them. But, that, as they say, is another story.

Joe sends in this link. My only question is how he found those pics of the new drunkcycist appareal? I didn’t thing any pictures of that shit were out on the net yet.

More porn from Laura. Thats just what Laura does.

midnightpussy.com/tg/kra/0panda/lgfe.html
bigxxxarchive.com/young/galleries/02/012.htm
glamourmodelsgonebad.com/free/jjj/silvie_thomas_bikeride.html

For fucks sake, don't click on this next one unless your a) a girl, b) gay, or c) want to go blind. You have been warned.

tylersroom.net/freegall9/set214gall1/setpp.html