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Tuesday, April 30, 2002
alley bagget   I   aria giovanni   I   susana spears

Some days reality is so fucked, all I have to do is sit down and start typing and an update just flows out with no effort. Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of out lives.

As many of you know, my life is pretty much an open book. All the dumb crap in my life ends up all over drunkcyclist for your enjoyment. That is extended to the lives of my friends quite often as well. If you canít embarrass and humiliate your friends, what can you do?

Now some things are too much, even for me. If someone I know bombs an aids test, I probably wouldnít post it. At least not right away. For me, it was my dog trying her hand at the gypsy lifestyle. Little fence jumping bitch. I just couldn't face it until now. Hereís how it played out.

Sunday I come home to no dog. I do the ride around the neighborhood thing, I do the drive around the neighborhood thing. I make phone calls to the local dog pound and humane society. Itís Sunday night and nothing is happening with these people. I go to sleep and wake up twice dreaming she's come back and is standing at the side of the bed. Not fun.

Monday comes, still no dog and Iím on the horn again. Iíve had a little microchip thing implanted in her shoulder just in case this exact scenario ever played out. The dog has a bar code, and I have a 1-800 number. Iím able to find the woman who found my dog Sunday afternoon through this service and she tells me the humane society now has my dog. It is interesting to note this woman lives less than a mile from RJís place, where Iím staying. At Cave Creek and Union Hills. Way the fuck up in the north valley.

I call around with the number and come to find out I could be holding the holy grail in my hand and it wouldnít matter to the humane society, or the animal control department in Phoenix. You lost your dog, you drive down and have a look at the dogs. Great. 35th av. and Durango. A million miles away. And they close at 5.

Iím working till seven, so getting there today is out. But at least I know where she is. Tuesday I switch shifts with super craig and Iím rollin to the west side at 2:30. If you donít know what 35th and Durango looks like, just do this. Next time you take a shit and wipe your ass, take a peak at the toilet paper before you drop it in the bowl. Iím sure youíll see a pretty good likeness to 35th and Durango.

Guess what? I look at all 400 fucking dogs and mine isnít here. What the fuck did they do, let someone adopt her? Iím going to fucking kill someone in a minute.

I find the only coherent employee in the building (third one I talk to) and break it down for him. I stop just short of telling him to produce my little sweetheart or he's going to the hospitol. He tells me there is another animal control building on the other side of town, 8th street and the 101. Fuck me, itís already 4:20, the highways are going to be a fucking parking lot and it wasnít any fun on the way over here already. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Back in the car and drive for an hour. A fucking hour. Find the place and start checking for my baby.

I find her.

She looks at me, not quite believing what sheís seeing. Iím looking at her, not quite believing what Iím seeing. She comes up the chain link fence. She starts shaking. Iím sticking my fingers through the fence, touching her, calling her name. Sheís licking my fingers and sticking her paws back at me through the same fence.

It was quite a moment.

There you have it, the whole story. Fuck this town. Cost me 70 bucks and almost 4 hours of my day. Sucked a mile of cock for sure.

Fuck this, Iím going camping. And I'm taking the dog with me. Iíll update in a couple of days.

Monday, April 29, 2002
nikki nova   I   jenna jameson   I   busty maid

Big mail update. Big mail. Big.

Riding home from work today, it was dark. Night time, you know how it is no sun and all. Iím making the corner onto Invergordon (ivergordon?) and this bozo drives up next to me. Weíre rolling along side by side at this point.

"Sir, sir?"

You know where this is going already, donít you? "Yeah?" I reply.

"Sir, the light on your backpack is very dim."

Heís nice enough to call me sir. I feel like being a dick. I ride closer to his mustang, he moves further into the middle of the road. Cyclists make him uncomfortable.

"Iím sorry?" acting like I canít hear him.

"Sir, the light on your backpack is very dim."

Sounds like a broken record around here. Fuck me. What makes it all the better is that I somehow remembered to mount a brand new rear reflector on my bike today at work. And, I say again, and, Iím running a Niterider headlight on the ten watt setting. Itís bright. I am not invisible here people.

And I might add, I am in compliance with Arizona state law on this one. A head light and a rear reflector and youíre good as gold sundown to sun up.

"Thanks, Iíll get a new battery." I let him off the hook. Any more of this Ďsirí shit and Iím gonna friggin puke.

Have all the drivers in Scottsdale been lobotomized? Are these fucking people blind? What the hell is going on around here? I start thinking about it and the only thing I can figure out is this.

I have a blinking tail light on my backpack. Iím on a road bike. So maybe the fact that my back is kinda flattened out points the light more skyward than backwards and thatís why people up here in Scottsdale donít see it. But, how do you explain the reflector and really bright headlight? Those two things by themselves would be hard to miss.

And somehow, these people manage to do just that.

  From: corerider
Subject: fucking fork
noticed a wet brownish spot on the floor under my bike. thought it was just a shadow or spilled bong water but under further analysis noticed it was all the oil from my fork. fuck me. hope its just a seal being that is about all I can afford right now. I am switching to air. fuck it, I am going to ride it anyway.

Unfortunately, air shocks also leak. But it wonít fuck up your carpet when they do leak. May I suggest a rigid fork?

This just in from Joe. Itís bike related porn.

And the gnome tells me I should have said this to Bill, ""oh, why yes Bill, my ass is big. In fact, I'd say that my ass is about as big as your racing career was short".

Ouch. Is there a doctor in the house?

  From: 10 oí hearts
Subject: lance does it again, er, doesnít
what the hell is it about the spring classics that americans just can't seem to win. Sure, back in the day greg had a few, and Curious George got ghent last year, but christ. its like a serious monkey on their backs. Lance beat again at amstel. And suprise, suprise, it was in a sprint. that guy sprinting is like Cipo climbing the Alpe D' Huez. Or VDB getting his head out of his ass. Or Pantani ceasing to make a fool out of himself. (by the way, whats up with his gay village people mustache, as velonews called it?) Or Hincapie at Roubaix. Or my chances with that girl who works at the grocery store. She's fucking nails.

By the way, sorry to hear about your jackass driver of the day. I had someone try to back into me while spinning in the park a few days ago. And it was bonafide intentional. Lucky for him I was in a good mood that day.

As for my "hard man on a bicycle" thing, its still not really happening. I went out in the rain once last week, and did another meandering ride friday, in chilly temps, but then the flood gates opened saturday and sunday, combined with that jack frost noise i'm not to fond of.. So fuck it. Maybe I'll get back on the bike tommorrow. hell, if I plan it right, all of those idiots who are getting into form right now will be burned out by august, and thats when I'll strike. Yeah, thats the ticket.

Yes my friend. We are like finely coiled serpents waiting for August to strike. Or maybe November. I will rule in November. Come November, you all will feel my wrath.

I don't know what the fuck is up with our present American talent pool and one day races across the pond. I just don't get it. I'm backing Fred Rodriguez from now on. He's going to be the one to deliver the goods for the boys back home.

Shit, its either that or just wait and see what falls out of the sky to knock Vaughters out of the Tour this year. I'm surprised he actually keeps going back.

What's it going to be this year? A meteor? A fire breathing dragon? A tidal wave?

It's like he's cursed.

  From: jason tallous
Subject: Bisbee and other fine wines
Missed you last Thursday. My bike was a mess but Rick hooked me up. I can't stay off the pavement. Just as I was healing from my Mexico trip. I went down again in the Chums Classic---some UT boy crossed wheels with me and took down the whole break and I shattered a helmet, front wheel, and headset. But I just returned from Vuelta de Bisbee. I don't know if you were keeping up with race reports on velonews but Mercury brought seven riders to a 30 rider field. Seems like impossible odds but I'm feeling good in preparation for Big Bear and attacked till my legs had no more. Well, you know the story. I was a fly on a horse and Mercury just kept swatting till I disappeared. You gotta try though. Who cares if you can sit in the pack and just finish--I'm not there to just finish. Anyway, I'm done on the road for a while and looking forward to Rock Rabbit and Big Bear. I also just got hooked on this new product called Athlete Octane. I've never been able to recover so quickly. the snake and I line up an orange-cinnamon shot before every ride. You should check it out---athleteoctane.com. This may allow you to have your cake and eat it too icreasing your recovery even after a case of Pabst. Well until this weekend. Give a holler if you need some floor space or a cup of Bold Black Juice.

Holy shit, thereís a lot going on in that letter. Yeah, Iíll be taking you up on that black lovin honey cakes. Iíll be up in your neck of the woods tomorrow night. Iím to meet El Gnome and Randini for some serious ass kicking. Donít tell snake, heís got it out for me I think. Something about an email I sent him where I told him I was gonna put him in the hurt locker. Fuck it, I see him and heís goin down.

Who the fuck am I kidding? Me against him is more one sided than you and Mercury. That reminds me, I guess Gord is still irked about that city limit sprint you took last year. And here I though time healed all wounds.

And I saw you helmet, or whatís left of it at the shop. At least it wasnít your penis that got you in trouble this time.

Sunday, April 28, 2002
erica   I   chrissy m   I   zdenka

Iím a gonna tell you like it is: Fuck a bunch of this.

Is that clear enough for ya?

I did the around the mountain ride this morning, and do you know what Bill said about me? Do ya? He said, "My God, jonnyís ass is so big."

Next time I see him Iím putting him straight in the hurt locker. That son of a bitch.

Michele Bartoli wins Amstel Gold. He was due. He said, "Yes, this is the win I've been waiting for." You can read more of his reactions, and others at cyclingnews.

Here is some old reader mail from when my computer went tits up a few weeks back.

  From: David
Subject: no idea
Bee stung Mullet? shit thats just for wussies.
Might I be able to get a shirt now?
Keep up the gonzo journo stuff. Hunter S. Thompson look out! Did you know that 'journalism' probably started as a means for small groups to know the facts about what was happening. This worked until mega mergers put real journalism into the corporate minority corner (Time magazine, ie real reporting and comment, is now less than 4% of Time Warner AOL or whatever its called, and in the face of so much entertainment hunger, real reportage has squat chance of surviving. The new journalism is down to the new groups on the web, with guys like you providing a focus and relevant TRUSTED news source for a multitude of minor interest groups. And some funny shit as well.

You can just tell this is an old one, talking about when I got stung by a bee in the most private of areas. OK, maybe not the most private. But itís got to be one of the worst places to get hit. I imagine right on you eyeball may be worse. I hope not to find out.

  From: Oli
Subject: I can't remember
Hey Big Guy
Just received the jersey and wanted to say it fuckin' rocks!! Well worth the wait and I'm looking forward to representing DC out on the UK trails*
*just as soon as my ribs heal

Right on man. Iím glad to hear youíre feelin the jersey. I wore mine this morning. I guess it wasnít "slimming" enough for Billís taste in men. That stinkiní homo.

  From: Todd
Subject: Your guess is as good as mine
Say bro nice site. Good work on gettin some high quality PORN. Because a day without PORN is like a day without sunshine. I have fun killin time a fucking around on your site. I am a rep in the Rocky Mountain Region and want to get a couple of my lines linked up to your site so I can refer people there and to help check out all the other shit that I don't sell. The sites I am looking at is xtracycle.com which is the wave of the future as far as no cars are concerned, what other bike can you throw a drunk bitch on the back and have her love it, even better if she is flashing her rack. And balfa.com I am the Balfa rep here in this region and yours too. Let me know if you can hook a brother up. PBRMEASAP!

It wasnít that I was ignoring ya, buddy. It just took me awhile to sort out what I could save from my fucked up corrupted system. Oh, it was great. Anyway, your sites are now linked.

Iíve met the xtracycle boys. Last year in Vegas. Good people, good product. I like what theyíre doing. Iíve got one of there, "honk if youíre a wuss in an S.U.V." stickers on my fridge back home.

I donít know much about balfa, but I feel as though Iím about too. That is one kick ass website. Makes this thing look like the joke that it is.

Check out this weeks mp3. Iíve got three songs by the false mcís. These guys are reworking the art form known as hip hop. They own.

  From: Marlon
Subject: Marlon Saw something funny on campus
Friend of mine took this pic of a guy riding around campus at the University of British Columbia. Good to know some roadies know how to have fun!


Just think, if I wasnít such an idiot, I would have been one of the first websites to blow up that pic. As is stands now, Iím about 332 in line, right behind Velonews. Am I on the ball? No. My computer fucks up and I donít get around to posting the link until ten days after it stops being funny. I suck. Thank you.

Saturday, April 27, 2002
tawney   I   jewel denyle   I   amber micheals

Can I just ride home from work once in my lifetime without almost getting killed by some moron in a car? Is that to much to ask? I just want to ride without some asshole yelling, honking, swerving or even fucking looking at me. God damn idiots out there, man. Fucking unreal.

I ran into an old friend today, Iíll call him "D". Heís just become a full time fire fighter here in Phoenix. Talk about a hard job. You wonít see me doing that anytime soon.

Tonight I hit up Fryís instead of the closer Albertsonís grocery store. You wouldnít think much of it, but for me it was a grand old time. Many of you out there went out and had fun on your Saturday night. Me, I went to Fryís.

All I have to do now is fall asleep so I can get up and ride in the morning. And I better not see any idiots in their cars contemplating a little swerve action. It could get ugly.

You gotta check out this site sent in by David. Too cool. They got maybe the best name in all of cycling terminology, just riding along. The good olí JRA. A phrase made famous by legions of clueless warrenty seeking losers all over the world. And itís a real boss site too.

Friday, April 26, 2002
sanja matic   I   amber michaels   I   jamie lynn

The Dairy Queen next to Domemicís Cycling on Mill Avenue closed itís doors forever today.

No more ice cream for the fat boy. No more sodas. No more fucking dilly bars. No more nothin.

Itís a shame really. The IGA market is gone, the record store, the subway. Gone are the super salad, jams and sacks, all good restaurants. Itís all gone now. Everything around here is closing down and being replaced by some chain store bullshit.

Itís just us, the tattoo parlor and the jewish center left on the block. I canít even make a joke with that.

  From: Tall Paul
Subject: The Best Comeback Line Ever...
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

I canít tell you if itís true or not, just that itís funny. No work yet on the authenticity of this over at truth or fiction. Even if it is bullshit, itís great bullshit.

How you feelin? I feel lucky.

Thursday, April 25, 2002
zdenka   I   gauge   I   jodi moore

It'll take till the beginning of next week, but many of you are getting a little something from the big man. The General Aggravation jerseys are packed, shipped and sent. And with new mystery stickers included.

Check out my man RJ.'s webpage. He's in Belgium and I'm not. He is fast and I am not. He rolled his truck tearing ass out of a parking lot at a Slayer concert. I haven't managed that yet.

My favorite pic on the site? Why, it's the one with all the happy little garden gnomes. I had no idea his sphere of influence was so great. To know him is to love him.

I slept in to the glorious hour of 8:00 am, enjoyed a leisurely breakfast washed down with what had to be a gallon of coffee. Then I rode for four hours in and around Cave Creek. You fuckers up here in the north end of town are really on to something. Nice friggin riding.

And even though it was well into the 90's, I can't complain a bit about sweating like a pig after the first ten minutes. Sweating in slimming. I've earned the right to, after freezing my fucking balls off all winter.

On the way out to seven springs, I stopped to ask a woman about this huge statue in her front lawn. I just had to know. You've all seen it, it's on the left in the last neighborhood you go by, (until Dale Webb builds the next one) It's a 40 foot high Corn Katchina. When I asked what it did, she told be it, "helped to insure a bountiful harvest."

I didn't bother to point out to her that there isn't any corn for miles. It wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Here is a joke my Dad sent me.

How to Bathe the Cat
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides "power rinse" which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.
9. Mop up the floor.

And here I thought he loved animals.

There is this sunset outside my window right now that is among the finest I've ever seen. Arizona had the best in the county, of that much I'm sure. Idaho may have the worst. Not that I would know, mind you, I'm not there anymore. It's like I escaped from fucking prison coming down here.

And now it's actually raining. I can't believe it. The north valley kicks ass.

Wednesday, April 24, 2002
kyrstal steal   I   school girl???   I   kitana jade

What's the word? Thunderbird.

The General Aggravation jerseys are in and I'm shipping out those mother fuckers like a wild man. Yee haa.

  From: Joe
Subject: golf photo
Hey Big Jonny,
Just thought I'd let you know that the phallic photo of the golfer you linked has been sent 400 times to people via e-mail. Click on the "view most popular" under the photo. As I checked out the photo the number of sent e-mails grew from 362 to 400. I wonder if your site has anything to do with this. Probably.

I can only hope my little pill party of a website can help teach others about the beauty of watching a hot chick kiss a huge phallus in the summer sun.

God bless America.

Is it true you're starting to ride well if you cannot ever seem to eat enough or sleep enough? Because baby, I just can't do either these days. Like the "man from the mitten" jimbo told me, you keep riding all the way to Tempe and back everyday and you'll be flyin' in no time.

I hope he's right. If he isn't, I might just have to kill him in the face.

What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?

  From: Heff
Subject: Me and death. Yeah, suck it up.
Another brush with death. I think hes come to the conclusion if he cant have me, no 1 can.

Im gonna have to stop telling you this shit, because its getting unbelieveable even to me.

Pulling across a traffic island, Transit van obviously doesnt think that Bikes are visible. Pulls out, smacks rear wheel all to hell and back. Me, mid air, stuntman stylee shit. Righht till this streetlight got in my way and the Bike landed on me.

It loves me. Im glad I broke its fall.

Rear rim is now this Horrible mess and I want to cry. at least I'll get a new one to go with the fucking shiny ass front one that got fucked a while back. mmmn. matching pair. Fucking schweet. I dont think so.

Examine self next. Horrible scratches over back of CD player. moment of paralysis when discover it works. All good. then realise, boot feels soggy. Quick internal check, No, not pissed self in fright. Look at boot. trace leg up. Leaking blood everywhere. In a panic, check jeans. Jeans ridden up so leg could be cut. Dont have to buy new jeans. thank fucking christ.

Then the pain hits and I nearly fall over... So im leaning against the lamppost and decide, what the fuck, and stick my jeans to my leg, so I dont bleed so much, and this ambulance guy comes running over who was heading in the opposite direction. its taken him all this fucking time to turn around.

He says "you ok?" I look at him, jacket a bit sredded around one arm, back wheel ownky, blood running out of my boot...

"yeah, Im fine"

I cant believe my ears. I want to say "That fucking cunt hit me and didnt fucking stop basatrdakdansdlak" and many things before perphaps eating his face for asking me such a dumb question. But no, peaceful as a cow, im just "yeah, fine, coolies..."

This evening ive been digging bits of grit out of my arm in the shower. the viciously bleeding legwound is very small but fucking deep, and looks very lame after I wash the blood off.

Cant even get a decent scar, I ask you.


I don't know how you manage to entertain the shit outta me with your never ending tails of woe, but baby, don't ever stop.

Every time I start to think that my life sucks ass, I get a letter from you and I feel like I just won a million dollars. Nah, not that much, maybe I feel more like I found ten bucks laying in the road. Not a million, that would be way to good.

And good luck with that whole scarring thing. I think I speak for everyone who reads this page when I say, you're in our prayers.

Check this one out. Muy bueno. And check this out too.

This next letter isn't so fun, but please do read it.

  From: AJ
Subject: Pro Con Racer Rick Bucher is in the Hospital
Rick Bucher is in the hospital for a broken back. He fell pretty badly while climbing rocks yesterday.
I spoke to him and he would appreciate it if we visit him. He is at Scottsdale Osborn Hospital room 651. Visiting hours are till 8 p.m. I will have a card at the crit tonight for all to sign. Thanks.

I'm posting this a little late as the crit is happening right now, but it's the thought that counts. I hope you're doing OK, Rick. Good luck.

Ahem, ladies and gentlemen, that is a drunkcyclist jersey that man is wearing. Fuck-n-a right it is.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002
monica   I   nikki nova   I   tawny

On the way home tonight a woman pulled up along side me at a red light and said, "Excuse me, excuse me? I couldn't see you back there, and I'm paying attention."

I'm looking at her with her two kids in her sport utility vehicle. Yeah, those two play soccer. I say, "Don't I have a blinking taillight?"


"And it's working? It's still on, right?" I turn my backpack towards her to showcase the little blinking beauty I stole from the gnome. (That's right buddy, I'm never giving it back. Ho ho.)

"Yes, it's working."

Jesus fucking Christ on the cross, this is a long traffic light. Turn green, damnit, save me. "Um, OK. Sorry?", I offer because I just can't think of anything else to say to this dimwit.

"You just be careful" she tells me as the light finally turns green and she readies herself to be terrorized by the road some more. Oh God, it's so overwhelming all the lanes and what are these dials for?

I feel lucky to be alive with people like that driving around out there.

It's an oldie, but man is it a goodie. Click here and say Weeeee!.

Every seen bike with two wheel drive? You have now.

  From: Chris
Subject: golf chicks
Maybe we've all just misunderstood the LPGA.
Keep up the good work with the site.

I think that picture is defiantly helping me to greater appreciate the LPGA. I never knew it was anywhere near that cool. Good times.

  From: AJ
Subject: Arizona State Criterium Championships 5/19/02
Please distribute to your teams and friends. Arizona State Criterium Championships are going to be held on 5/19/02

Online registration at Active.com is open till 5/17/02. See link below for more information.


A new course that is fast, fun and safe. Closed roads with a long sprint finish. Bring your family and friends. Refreshments will be available on site. See you there!

Sounds good to me. Back on the saddle, or back on the bar stool. Just getting some kit time, ladies. I'll have another Budweiser, thank you.

  From: Core Rider
Subject: back on the saddle
Finally got to ride yesterday. I felt like I was carrying monica lewinsky on my back. after spending the last two weeks becoming a certified contributor to hangovers, fights, debt, sex with strangers, puking at the top of the climb and all in all basically good fuckin times. yes, i graduated from the texas school of bartenders. It was a long, hard two weeks, but the drinks after class kept me going. if you ever come through houston drinks are on the house. P.S. Lance will choke.

And this is coming from a guy in Texas. So much for the Texas Tornado, eh Bob? Fuck it, I hate to say it, but with Ulrichs hurt knee and the emphasis on time trailing in this years Tour, I think Armstrong has this one about sewn up already. Who can beat him?

Monday, April 22, 2002
briana banks   I   natasha nicholas   I   alexus winston

Today was an absolute mother load of email. Good thing too, because my head is turned inside out. Isn't working fun?

I'm checking out this band called The False Mcs, or the Bandit Kings. They apparently have two names. I'm all for it. They've got a website with some downloads and shit. I've got a few of their songs I'm rocking. I'll post one maybe tomorrow.

I'm too busy listening to them to upload anything right now.

I got a letter that pretty much sums up that freak-o God nazi I linked yesterday. I just can't figure out these conservative Christian nut jobs. So full of hate. They should be full of liquor. It's more fun. Anyway, read the letter.

  From: Steven
Subject: creation, evolution and the classics
glad to hear you still know how to party. I got two points for ya today.

first, that jackass on the OBJECTIVE: creation education site. This guy is why I don't ascribe to any one particular religion. Sure, i believe everyone can believe, think, reason, or hold whatever ideals they choose, but what the fuck was this guy thinking. He attacked PBS. PB-fucking-S! Is that moral? The same PBS that was running a show about the supposed location of the tomb of christ just a week ago. And this guy thinks they are the devil? Public. meaning everyone. not exclusive, such as would be if the P stood for PRIVATE. Sorry to rant, but that guy chapped my ass. Especially with his remark about "computer people" being pagans and heathens. Me own mum is a systems analyst, (she spend her days making sure the company's computers work) and a devout catholic. Not to mention how many of this guys followers were probably reading his garbage on a MAC. What a dumbass. If ever there was a poerson who's ass I would actually kick...But enough of that guy.

Point two. Hey, don't worry about your being wrong with the predictions so far this spring. Cipo has won a classic. CIPO! The man who makes looking like a cracked out zebra look good. A classic. No, two. One which was a WC event. How bout them apples. I guarantee there was some italian bookie who shit himself, and some town drunk from the san marino region who finally stopped being the laughing stock of all of his gambling friends after Ghent. Besides, you called lance to be the brides maid (again) (again) at Amstel, which we know is an even money bet.

PS. If mother nature would ever take her schizophrenia meds, i'd be able to get some steady training in. I may think I ride like a belgian, but fuck if I'm gonna actually ride in the cold.

Yeah man, I remember how to party all right. I just forgot how to recover. How the hell did I used to do this all the time? I feel like I got hit my a car. Maybe I did?

I probably wouldn't remember it either way.

Good letter, you hit the nail right on the head. This muy loco jesus freaks get all gnarly and start weirding out on public television and what ever the fuck else they don't directly control.

I'm glad to see I still have an even money bet going on Lance getting bested in another two up sprint at Amstel Gold. How many times has he lost in a 2-up? Like about four times now. There was Uchacov in the Tour, I think and then Boogard and Dekker that last two year. Maybe it was only three then. It'll be four in another week then.

Good luck with the whole riding like a hard man thing. When you figure out how to do it, let me know. I've been trying unsuccessfully for years. Big Gay Randy says it's because I'm soft, but fuck him, he lives in the woods. What the hell does he know?

  From: filthy lover
Subject: oh, it's me
here you go jonny proof of drunk cyclist jerseys getting muddy in wales.

Click here and here for aforementioned proof.

How do you like them apples?

Mudflap wrote me with his favorite quote off of the pantsman.com. It reads like so: "At the end of the day, it's not how pretty you look scoring runs, as long as the crowd can hear the welcoming sound of leather on willow."

That guy is out of his fucking mind, totally over the top and funny as shit. I can't believe the shit I'm reading over there. Classic. The absolute tops. I couldn't be that funny in a million fucking years I swear to God.

And I thought the Salt Mine was a rough gig. I don't know shit.

I have no idea what to say about this.

Sunday, April 21, 2002
bonita saint   I   taylor morgan   I   zdenka

Itís hard to be creative when youíre head hurts like this. I had myself a good old time at Casey Moore's last night. Perhaps too good of a time actually. I feel as though someone placed a rock on my head as I slept. Maybe an anvil or something like that. Whatever it was, it squished my brains all together into some kind of much. Very painful mush.

I tried to make the Sunday ride this morning. I turned off the alarm at 6 am and stumbled into the bathroom. And I mean stumbled. I was still drunk off my ass. I couldn't even make it down the hallway without bouncing off the walls a few times. I figured I wasn't going anywhere in that condition. So I drank some water and went back to sleep.

My tremendous hangover didn't even kick in till around 11:00 am. I don't think I sobered up enough to know I was hungover till then. Oh, I had my fun last night. That's for damn sure.

I see lameking is back up and running. Thank God, I was needing more distractions in my life. Spooner had put up some good mp3Ďs this week. I recommend you check them out. Right after you check out mine.

So what else is new? Most of my predictions for this year have bombed. Sank like fucking stones in a river they did. Paulo Bettini won Liege - Bastogne - Liege today. Read all the live coverage over here at cyclingnews.

Well kick me in horseshit and call me smelly. I never saw that coming in a million years. But I was smart enough not to back Armstrong the the hilly classic of the Ardennes. Heíll be up there in Amstel Gold, like probably second best. But he ainít the same man who once won Liege.

I also thought Gorgeous George would finally do it in Paris - Roubaix for some reason or the other. Instead he ended up ass over teakettle in a fucking roadside ditch. Goddamn heartbreaker that was. Just awful. Life is not fair.

And who had heard of Tom Boonen before last week?

I hadn't. I figured that guy would hand up about one water bottle and that would be the end of that. I didn't give him until the second feedzone. A name for the future everyone says now. The next Johan Museeuw, who, by the way, is a fucking pimp.

Youíd think a webpage where you get to rate breast implants would totally kick ass. I found the whole thing a little disappointing. Check it out yourself.

And fuck this guy.

Ally McBeal goes bye bye. Ho Ho fuck you Clasista. Go starve yourself some more.

  From: AJ
Subject: New Cycling Team Members
I am recommending this new workout to all. Helps build threshold.

And, you can also get your penis enlarged on that site. If I canít win bike races, at least I can have a dick like a base ball bat.

Iím redoing the sites of the week section with some new shit. Donít forget to check out the Team Ireland Cycling apparel. Itís boss. And banged up is one of my faves of all time. Sick shit. Just plain fucking gross.

"A handful of tidy units were spotted in the early hours inside the bus station on the first day of tour. In particular, a brunette with a fantastic Levi 501-arse and firm, well-rounded breasts caught my attention. I pulled out the clipboard and immediately slotted her in as Draft Pick #1..."

If you think thatís funny, check out the rest of the nonsense over at one of this weeks pics, the pants man. Itís about the funniest shit Iíve read in my entire life.

  From: Terhi
Subject: Hi, from Lohja, Finland
It comes again...our great 24 hour mountainbike charity tour. This is third time we can donate lots of euros ( Ä ) for ill people who needs help. This time we have over 70 teams, including 12 persons who drives alone ( one guy with unicycle !!! ) Whatta MTB-Woodstock ! Good music, bicycle auctions, open fires to fry sausages mmmm...
See: drive.to/kakkosnelonen there is info in english too
greetings, A.M. / Lohja / Finland

Sounds like fun, but Iíll be nowhere near that place this summer. Shit, I just want to be loved.

Friday, April 19, 2002
veronica   I   aria giovanni   I   jessie capelli

Why is it my mind turn to shit and totally goes blank as soon as I sit infront of the computer every night? All the great ideas I had for this update are gone and all I can think about is food, boobs and sleeping.

Iím a fucking mess.

  From: Snake
Subject: hey dumbshit
Ok dumbass,
Letís start this out right. Happy fucking B-day. Now fuck off. I am sending you this picture of the Gnome twice now and you haven't posted it yet. So fucking post it. I just want to say to the Gnome you fucking hard man. You see the last time I saw the Gnome he was still riding and I was sittin in the car getting a ride to the finish. You see the Gnome and some others who are nameless and faceless and probably thankless pulled the field and C-Y until the first hill when their own teammates went to the front and shelled half the group. This includes the Gnome. So the Gnome rides it out and keeps going solo for the next 65 miles in 30mph wind and 90 degree heat. So I never saw him again that day after I pulled away in the car. But I do remember he had a smile on his face and was laughing when I last saw him going over that little hill. So........ I hope the Gnome made it home safe and that this picture gives someone out there some motivation to go and ride and to finish the race no matter what......

You cockswilling son of a bitch. You go to hell, you go to hell and you die. I'll post the fucking picture. Jeez. Just click here to see it.

You want a little set up? El Gnome is the short little bastard on the left in green. Just look at 'em, you know he means business. I almost don't feel so bad getting dropped by a man such as that. Almost.

Iíd post more pics, but my hard copy of programs like photoshop and the like are in Idaho where I canít very well reload them on this machine. Life is really a bitch sometimes. Iíll have to find some new program that I can use to resize the images. But not tonight.

This in from Jeremy. Man hops up 747 steps of Eiffel Tower and doesnít dab once. Click here for more. Click over here to see what the weather in Moscow, Idaho looks like these days. Yeah, Iím hurrying back up there.

Laura from Holland sends in this link. Be warned, I think there is something in there for the ladies if ya know what Iím sayiní. Shirtless male to be exact, so lets try and keep it in our pants at work, eh Dru?

Richard says, "this is true amateur porn you got to tell you readers about this one!" WhatĎs he talking about? HeĎs talking about jen-dave.com.

Iím not sure, but Iíd bet that girl works at the Dairy Queen on Mill and 10th. Either that or itís her sister. Her younger sister.

  From: mudflap
Subject: birf day boys
no fuckin way man, i just got back from the coach house, and something tells me you know where that is...

anyway, i was just digesting some birthday shots of my own! april 19th, actually... i waited until midnight to start celebrating, but you might say i warmed up a little, for good measure.

southern comfort makes for good dreams, so i have been told. but then again, it was a crew of southerners that told me that. don't ever believe a word they say, we'll have a civil war all over again.

i guess we have another thing (almost) in common. i will try to get to casey's on sat, although i am pretty sure i will be detained by the lighter sex. we will see...

happy birthday,

right on man, great to hear your birthday is right next to mine. Fucking pretty cool. I've never met anyone with the same birthday as me, or even close. Till now anyways.

I had a few drinks on Thursday night, but I'm saving up my punishment for Saturday. Thatís when all hell is going to break lose Iím sure. Oh, Iím going to regret this.

Iíll leave you with one more letter. Just because I can.

  From: Stacy
Subject: no subject
Yo BJ, Dig the site. I went to college in Phoenix and Grad school in Moscow. Loved them both. Moscow could use a strip joint though. I always thought that the bar just outside of town past the Chinese place - can't remember the name - would have been prime stop for the Spokane, Missoula, Boise, Tri-cites, nasty low budget stripper route. I loved riding around Moscow, the rain and cold was brutal but at least I felt like a hard man. The rolling hills were great. I got hit three times by cars in Phoenix. Those Fuckall idiot drivers in that manufactured hell on earth. I got whacked in the parking lot of the ASU stadium during a Neil Diamond concert. Funny shit. Great bars though. Casey Moores was my favorite even though I couldn't afford it. Enough, keep up the good work, everyone loves porn and bikes. Well they should anyway.

Don't let your meatloaf,

You know, you're right. Everyone should love porn and bikes. And I'll try and not let my meatloaf.

Goodnight everybody.

Thursday, April 18, 2002
aria giovanni   I   veronica zemanova   I   brianna banks

Hot damn. What a day. I started it off right, at about 10:00 am when I got up. Fuck this gettin up early crap, it's my day off. And it's my birthday.

Yes, even I age a little every now and then.

In case you're wondering how old I am, let my put it like this. There is a two and a three in my age now. And it ain't twenty three.

I went for a ride with AJ, the great Blue Berry today. He took me out to his usual stomping grounds and proceeded to do just that. Now I know why they call it "roller coaster". I stopped just short of losing my lunch by using the end of my cassette with 25 teeth on it for long periods of time.

I had dinner at the Texaz Grill. I've been there on my birthday for the past six years. Can you believe that shit? They even have a webpage. Click here to see it.

No good email to post today. But we do have porn.

porn     porn     porn     porn     porn

I'll be saucing it up over at Casey Moores on Saturday night if anyone feels like buying me drinks. You have been warned.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002
krystal   I   autumn austin   I   terri summers

I know I just linked the whole gallery in the daily porn link dump up there, but fuck me running how hot is this? Is this pic better?

Fuck it; have at the reader mail.

  From: RJ
Subject: It's Hent Wevelehem
They pronounce their Gs like Hs over here in Belgium - I know you've always wondered how to say Peter von Petahem... One of the great Belgian mysteries solved... Musseuw is God. Actually he lives up the road - Went through Gistel (Histel) yesterday... One of the guys followed him around one day last week. Guess he gets alot of cell phone calls. l8r, rj

I'm all down with the Museeuw is God thing, but I might just draw the line at stalking. Did you see that thing in Cycle Sport where old Johan is remembering the glory days (like last week) when he was coming up in the ranks? He said "when I could push 525 watts, I knew I was ready to win a classic."

Yeah, I guess so.

I'm hoping to reach 5.25 myself this year. A man has got to have his goals. Mine are pathetic and therefore obtainable with minimal effort. Call it what you will, I say I'm a success story.

A guy named Mark wrote in to tell me he got 16 out of 16 on the quiz I posted yesterday. Shit man, I guess I've been wasting my best lines on chicks with dicks all these years. I shouldn't complain. If my lines worked, I'd be doing my own little crying game thing in the corner. Either that or sticking my head in a gas oven.

  From: Dor
Subject: Hotties on bikes
Jonny, Posted this 1935 picture on our site today. Thought you might like it. teampump.com Checking your site daily, keep up the good work. You are not the only one back to work, I was called back to the bike shop a few weeks ago. They took me out of the shop and into sales. Really takes the fun out of it. 94 days, 18 hours to RAGBRAI.
Go ride your bike,

I like the part of your site counting down the days to Ragbrai. My God, it's like some kind of addiction isn't it? I saw on the map that we're going through Titonka on the third day this year. I knew a guy who used to say that when he farted. I guess maybe it means something else around those parts. At least I hope so. Oh, and I did ride to work today. It took me three hours round trip. Ain't I slower than shit? Jesus I suck. But at least I wasn't in a car on Tempe bike to work day.

Check this out, it's the road to moab. Dot com even.

Tuesday, April 16, 2002
lana   I   marisa   I   chrissy m

I mean, fucking A how do you like them apples I said? Jonny's back in business. Like Tall Paul told me tonight, I can always count on jonny to act like a dick.

Oh, it's love alright.

Speaking of love, I'm getting damn sick and tired of all this working. I think I've put more hours in in the last week than I have this entire year. Fuck me runnin', it sucks. I've got to get out of the Salt Mine and on to a bike soon or I might just kill somebody. Two days without any riding and I feel like a total failure. I man can't live like this.

I've got a new wheel on my single speed. Mavic 517 and a Chris King hub, just like the one that got stolen only this is laced three cross instead of radially. I've got a new set of Ringle RPM lites on my geared bike just fucking staring at me. Ride me jonny, ride me. These wheels look damn sexy with a brand new pair of Ritchey Alpha Bite 2.35's and a new XTR cassette. I'll let you know how they ride when I get some miles on them. Initial impressions are very positive.

I even have a new fork for my road bike. It showed up at the shop today, maybe I'll get it on my bike tomorrow. I went on the cheap and got a Profile BMC. Not that its a bad fork, it just isn't an Onzo Pro at twice the price. I figure at a svelte 200 lbs. a fork with an aluminum steer tube might not be a bad idea. I really don't enjoy flex all that much. And don't thing I stopped with the fork. I've got a pair of profile bars, shallow drop of course and a new bone-toker stem as well.

I fiddles around with a Chris King and a Record headset today for awhile. They're still on my workbench right now, just sitting there. They both kick ass. I think I'm going with the Chris King, but fuck me that Campy one is boss. I've never owned either, not in threadless anyway, and I figure you can't go wrong no matter which one I chose. I'll let you know how it goes.

It's good to be back in the saddle my friends. Let's hope I don't run into any more little problems in the near future.

  From: Anthony
Subject: more bike porn
Howdy, Sorry to hear about that whole soda can throwing thing. Real shitter there man. Anyway though, in my perusing of the World Wide Wank, er, Web, I found ya' some more bicycle porn. Here's the link:


Granted, it's old and seedier than a mofo, but hey, porn is porn, ya know? Maybe you can throw it up on the site when you get a chance?

Take it easy & get yourself a cheap-assed water bottle to huck at worthless Suburban drivers.


To borrow a phrase from that link you sent me, "A trashy girl and a trashy bike, what more could you ask for?" And I'll find a good throwing bottle for all those assholes out there on the roads who want to kill me.

Give this one a shot, slugger. Be warned, it's a lot harder than it looks. So, take the test. Just click here.

You want a joke? I got jokes.

  From: Tall Paul
Charlie comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Charlie.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Charlie overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Charlie , puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Charlie.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags Contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Charlie , and Charlie crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Charlie doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

"Bicycles," Charlie says.

I don't know what this means, but it showed up in my mail box so I'm posting it.

  "We just looked up Hincapie and it turns out in Latin it means Bridesmaid."

Ouch. Maybe that explains it. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Did anyone else see him take that header into the ditch Sunday morning? I just about spit my oatmeal all over RJ's carpet. Holy shit, that was so wrong on so many levels. That poor bastard. I mean, c'mon. He looked fucking great out there. I don't think he would have caught Museeuw in a thousand years, but he had second place all sewn up. Even if Steffen Wesemann did bridge up the him and Tom Boonen, I think Hincapie would have won the sprint for third.

But it's all academic now, isn't it.

Everyone's coming at me, jonny where ya stayin? Who's house are ya at? I'm at this guys house. He's billy fucking badass.

OK, I'm done. I just put in a 14 hour day and I can't see anymore. I tried to get through some of those emails tonight, but there is just to damn many of them. Don't fret all ya'll out there, I'll get to it. I always do.

And, the guy who wrote me from Ringle, I won't post your name (yet), I lost your email when I reloaded all this windows crap. Write me back buddy.

Monday, April 15, 2002
  sorry, no links today.

Oh hell. I've been around the fucking block with this Goddamn laptop this week. What in the hell is going on with this thing? I'm now to the point where I have to reinstall windows in its entirety. Good times.

On another note I had some bozos in a big green Suburban ride by me the other day on the way home from work and chuck a soda can at me. I was so impressed I waved. They pulled over down a side street, I guess to kick my ass or something. Like a 23-mile commute each way isn't kicking my ass enough. All four of them came back up behind me, gave me the horn and threw another soda at me a few minutes later. They missed both times.

Fuckin I hate people sometimes.

My computer is still totally fucked up. I've been reinstalling this and reinstalling that for a few hours here and there for days. I canít believe now hard it has been to get this thing back together. I petty much was ready to just write off this whole fucking website thing a few times.

But, I'm still here soda throwing morons be damned to hell.

I hope all of you got your taxes in. I know how much fun that can be. Oh, it's a fucking blast, isn't' it?

I should mention I've had some real weird issues with email. I don't' really know if about 40 of them sum-bitches got to their respective recipients or not. I wrote back to a whole ton of people and I just can't tell if it worked or not. So, if I seem totally rude, and you haven't heard back from me just write again.

Friday, April 12, 2002
  sorry, no links today.

My God, Friday already. Amazing week. I'm back at the Salt Mine. Yee Haa. I rode my bike down to the shop the other day. It's twenty three and one half miles each way. If I can keep it up, I'll be a hard man like Ham Fist in no time.

But I'll probably crack and start driving my car to work. Why not? That's what everyone else in this stinking Valley does. Each and every day for the entire year.

I want to be just like them.

Nah, fuck that shit.

It has been a bitch this week though. I am a full on internet junkie. So when I'm driving 1200 miles, sleeping in the woods and then getting back to no internet service, wellÖ It isn't all that good for me.

Like I emailed a friend of mine today, I can't wait for Sunday. Paris - Roubaix baby! Who do you think will place higher, Gorgeous George or Fast Freddy Rodriguez?

Check this out one time. It's The Agreeable World of the Addiscombe Cycling Club. Really.

  From: mudflap
Subject: enough already
alright, jonny. I have been checking in on your site for several months now, ever since the first time I saw a drunckcyclist.com sticker on a toptube of some guy's single speed at the casa grande race. it was then that I knew, just from the title, that we had two things in common.
on the level, who the FUCK did you blow in your past life to enable you to live your life. seriously, I thought I had it good, and frankly I still think so, backed by the jealousy of all my riding buddies, but I have to know what it is you are up to aside from this site of yours that requires/enables you to travel all over the rockies with bikes and ill intent. you dont need to go into too much detail for me, but I seriously am interested, since I have not yet had the opportunity to even step foot in idaho or wherever the fuck you are now. mudflap,

Mudflap my good man, I am a trainwreck. A wasted shell of a man, a nobody, a has been. No, seriously, my wife is in law school up in Idaho. I was going to wait a year to get instate and take classes in the fall. It's just to damn expensive to pay out of state tuition for the two of us. So, this year I was going to just work and hang out, drink beer and ride bikes.

I was up there for awhile and it's a small, boring town with no riding for about 13 months of the year due to shitty weather and the like. Maybe I'm exaggerating just a little. I guess you can mountain bike up there for a good 3 - 4 months and ride road for longer if you enjoy the rain, the cold, and the cold rain. In that order, every fucking day.

I had to come down here to make a few bucks and ride. I was going nuts up there this winter. Shitty weather and small paychecks do not a happy jonny make. People I know up there drive all the way over to Seattle to race. Fuck a bunch of that.

So, that's my story right now, pretty much. Did it bring a tear to your eye? It did mine, my brother, it did mine.

  From: Scott
Subject: B I K E I O W A
Hello, I got turned onto your site from my web trends report from my site... BIKE IOWA .com aka CIBROC

And people think I am on the edge... until I point them to your site!!

Hey.. Right in here Iowa.. RAGBRAI is only one week per year, but we try to live it up all year round... All the RAGBRAI teams in Iowa make it a Great Place for "RAGBRAI" style rides... I've got over 70 of them posted for 2002 already.. All pretty much the party, beads, beerslide-n-ride... rides..

Anyways... If you are not familiar with my site, check it out...Team smack, galleries and all... and the store, especially the "I swallow" t-shirt!... (fyi.. I have held back on the nudity trying to get a few sponsors...but hell, it's not working any tips? more nudity?!?! Ha!) Hell the RAGBRAI site is sooo... G Rated, it makes me sick! We, the "drunken cyclists" are what make this great ride Great !!

Is is worthy of a Features link on your site? Hey... If Fitness Lynn makes it on there anyone can !! There's more pics around of her nude on RAGBRAI then The "infamous" Team Haze's Egg-Nog Bongs... yikes!

Interested in me putting a feature on BIKEIOWA featuring your site?


You guys do that year round? Why the hell am I living here in Arizona? I don't mind telling you, I've been waiting to go back since the day I left. It really is a little slice of heaven. Why just the other day, Dru and I were reminiscing about the good times.

This year, we might just have to fly out. The drive is a whole other level of punishment. I'm not sure I'm man enough to pull that off again.

I've got to find a way to update this thing more often. Till next week then, good night!

Tuesday, April 9, 2002
devon   I   chloe   I   brianna banks

Two days behind the wheel and I'm back in Arizona. Flagstaff to be exact. I went riding with Big Gay Randy. I had a bike with gears and he was on a single speed. It didn't matter. He dropped me like nobodies business climbing up Mt. Elden. So not much has changed in that department.

When I really started wheezing, he asked me what happened to my form. I thought you'd be riding better, after a few months in Tucson this winter. What's going on, fat boy, be said. He's a dick, so not much had changed in that department.

I saw the Snake today. He saw me driving down the road, and pulled a u-turn to day hi. He asked me why I hadn't updated in two days. I told him it was because I've been driving for two days and slept in my car last night at a gas station in Nephi, Utah. It's hard to update the website in situations like that. Snake and his roommate Bensy have volunteered their internet connection, so here we are.

I've got a ton of email to plow through and a drive to Phoenix tomorrow. Fuck it, it's a life.

Sunday, April 7, 2002
heather christensen   I   shannon stewart   I   shea marks

Check this out. How do you like that action? Another big win for Andrea Tafi and another fourth place for George Hincapie.

So far this month I've had eleven hits on the site through the search string "george hincapie gay". I have no fucking idea how.

I'm pretty fucking stoked on the jerseys. It's way to cold up here in the frozen, stupid northland to wear it out except under four other items of clothing. Brrr.

But, next week, in Phoenix, I'll be rocking that shit. Hard.

And shit like this just plain scares me. I want my Mommy.

And didn't I see this guy on bang bus? Not that I'm checking out the guys. He just looks familiar. Makes you wonder how amateur all this shit really is. Like not really very amateur at all I'd say.

Our friend Laura from Holland sends in another fine link. Thanks to Laura and enjoy! kinghost.com/asian/asiaxxx/asiax10/asiaafg.html

Fuck it, lets get some of that reader mail.

  From: RJ
Subject: Seanbaby.com - The Stupid Page
depressed cause you're tired of porn, eh? Been to the stupid page?


Well, I'm certainly not depressed anymore. It's like someone opened a window around here. Oh, what a breath of fresh air.

  From: CAM shop
Subject: vulture cycles is down with drunk cyclist
Greetings from fuckin bent organ, bend overagain, bendor. bend oregon the land of bearded perverts. Im wade I used to live in flag some years ago, I still have a bunch of friends there, I know jason toulus or however you spell his last name,fast fucker. Ive been checking out you site for about a year or so, and now all of my co workers are porn addicts. I work in the rock climbing industry with a bunch of rock climbers who now look at a cycling site daily! The shit you write fuckin tears me up, especially when its the middle of winter and I live like 1000 miles from sedona or anywhere its warm. You are alucky bastard getting to go to arizona in the winter. I was godamm jealous, frose my ass off here reading about you sporting around not having to wear ten layers of wool. Well, its warm here now and fucking hot in az. My buddy Eugene says that the forests are going to close in Flag, let me tell you, that sucks. I was there in 96 when they did that, yes it was sucky. Any way, I am the owner of VultureCycles, I build frames mostly single speeds, link me up dude! vulture cycles

I'm glad to hear you like the site. I'm up here in Moscow, Idaho right now freezing my ass off. Tomorrow I drive south to sunshine, baby. It's a long haul too. Jesus, it's like it lasts forever.

The whole forest closure thing is a bitch. It looks like a few mountain bike races might get shitcanned in all that too. What a drag.

Oh yeah, your site is now linked.

I'll be driving all the way back to Phoenix on Monday. It'll probably take me part of Tuesday as well. So, no updates for two days! We'll see how it goes. Until then, I've got some new mp3s up and sites of the week as well. I even added a few new sites in the bike and not bike section. Rock the mullet.

Saturday, April 6, 2002
joy behrman   I   marliece andrada   I   stacy fuson

Check this one out. It's been around for awhile, but maybe you haven't done it yet. Or, maybe you really should give it another go and improve that score. I don't mind telling you that I fucking bombed it. Badly. I mean, you'd think I would know this shit. Click here for the beer test. How good are you?

Here's a little something for ya to read. These may or may not have been written by one Dave Berry. I'm just too lazy to try and figure out all these email internet hoax things. Fuck it, it's funny no matter who wrote it.

1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

11. You should not confuse your career with your life.

12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

15. Your friends love you, anyway.

16. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Fuck that last one. big jonny don't dance. It's like a drunken water buffalo half cocked on tranquillizers. Not pretty.

Friday, April 5, 2002 Second Edition
crista nicole   I   karen mcdougal   I   julia schultz

Whew. I did it. I sent out all the fucking jerseys. I only have the red Morning After design in stock right now, so if you ordered a blue General Aggravation, just hang tight. I should have them next week. Then you can have at those too. I should have stuck a note in with the jerseys explaining that, but I didn't. Oh well.

Now can I go ride my bike?

Since all the drunkcyclist stickers I had got stolen when my car was broken into I didn't have any to stick in with the jerseys. You know, a little bonus from unkie jon. But, I did squirrel up some old shit I had around from the trade show and who knows where else. So, I just started throwing odd, various stickers in with the jerseys as I packed them up today. You might get something interesting and you might get something you throw in the trash. Some of you got some seriously cool shit, so I hope you like it.

Let me hit you off with this little piece of knowledge, if you want it to start raining after three days of sun, take the fenders off your bike. Then it will rain and rain hard. Just like it did today.

Did I care? Did I stop riding? No. I went riding anyway. Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead.

Friday, April 5, 2002
bianca   I   gina   I   vivian

Any plans I had for a great big old update today have been thrown right in the crapper.

The Morning After jerseys have arrived.

The General Aggravation ones will be ready next week. That's just the way it goes. I'll be spending most of today shipping those bad boys to ya'll. Please hold off with the "do you have any extras?" emails. I have a short list for any extras that might pop up. You'd know if you were already on the list.

OK, time to start stuffing these fuckers in the mail.

Thursday, April 4, 2002
tricia wilds   I   z pornstars   I   celeste

I'm not sure yet, but I think this may be the bike that gets me on a set of disc brakes. What a fucking dream boat.

Once there was a race called the Squealer. Last year I couldn't go due to a fucking job. This year I couldn't go due to a fucking funeral. What the fuck, am I cursed? Read all about how fucking great it was. Fuck.

  From: Spanky
Subject: My first Squealer
It was dark, it was cold, and I was still half asleep. But there we were huddled around our interior dome lights in the Pima Canyon parking lot trying to get ready for an adventure of epic proportions. Its called the Squealer, an annual ride/race from one end of National to the other with a twist thrown in ... its an Easter egg hunt! So we get our crap together and ride up to the National trail head, there is a small group of people starting to gather, but it quickly grows to about 80 riders by the time the sun is up! This is where Jim our host/promoter is handing out these really cool number plates, I get #11 so I'm up soon.

So the race starts and women get sent off first then the single speeds, I'm hopping the eggs will be stashed close so the girls will lead me too them. The first girl leads off and takes the first turn wrong and heads up National instead of Mormon, Ok change of plans "Don't" follow the girls! Ok, now it's my turn, my only strategy is to get up to Buena Vista as fast as possible and then see what happens. I passed the few people in front of me rather quickly and before you know it I'm at the waterfall. This is about where I passed the last girl so now I'm breaking trail. Where are the damn eggs already! I'm starting to get worried as I reach the parking lot and still no eggs, but at least I can't see anyone behind me so I know I'm keeping a good pace. By the time I start descending under the radio towers, I turn around and realize that Kamden is behind me, Crap! Not only is he behind but he's catching me, the Son of a Bitch has made up the 45-second gap!

Well we descend down to Telegraph pass and start the hike-a-bike to the top, this part sucks big time! It's like a half mile of switchbacks that go straight up, not ideal for pushing a 32x15. But from the top I can see we don't have anyone even close to us so I know we are pushing a good pace, I just got to get rid of Kamden and make back up those 45 sec. Once up on the ridgeline we mount up and continue our search for the eggs. I manage to build a little gap up, but it's not by being smooth cause I feel like I'm running into everything. Finally at the National/Ranger trail interchange I spot the eggs, it didn't take me long to spot #11. I stashed it in my custom water bottle egg holder that I made after getting home from drinking the previous night, so you know its quality! We don't have many miles to go now so I hop back onto my trust steed and take off.

Not far down the trail there is a mineshaft (actually there are a couple along the way), I forgot the exact location so I'll just be careful. Well, not once but twice I almost followed somebody's stupid tracks into the mineshafts. Unfortunately Kamden started what I finished, I didn't see it happen but I guess he followed my skid marks and actually went OTB into the mine. Sorry about that Kam! I'm pretty sure that's where I made back those 45seconds, but in the end it didn't matter anyhow. I finished in 1:36, which is a course record by about 15min, and Kamden finished two minutes off me. So I'm thinking 1st and 2nd, right on! Who's going to better our times right? We both annihilated the old course record! Well let me tell you about this guy name Jason, he's one fast motherfucker you never want to forget about. Not only did he beat our times by 2 min, that crazy bastard did it on a rigid Surly 1x1!

Good job Jason 2nd overall and only 2mins off of the fasted geared bike, you deserve it. Yes I said it; he beat all but one geared rider on a 1x1! Want to know how fast the SS class is this year? The top 5 SS came in before the 5th geared rider! None of this could have been possible without Jim and all his great volunteers, thanks for putting such an awesome event on!

See ya next year,

Once you've recovered from reading about the Squealer, check this shit out. It's Team Ireland Cycling. I'm not sure yet where they're going with the whole team thing, but it's one hell of a sharp looking kit. I'd rock it. Hell yeah.

And this is some of the same guys that bring you the fine ass shit over at on-one. How cool is that?

Thanks to marco from london, I now want to kill myself. You can too. Just click here and prepare to be amazed. Don't be a pussy, either. Make sure you actually look at all the galleries. There are some real gems buried in there. It's up to you to find them and not vomit in the process.

What else, oh yeah. The chatroom is dead, but it kinda always was. I haven't figured out what to do with that thing yet. I've put up a new gallery today, number 25. Good stuff. Really. Number 26 not to far behind.

Also, upon my victorious return to the northland, I've found a pile of request for stickers. Since all the stickers got jacked when my car got broken into, I don't have shit to send anyone. I own something to Jeff, Cale, and Chip. I can either send you couple of bucks back that you sent, or send you some stickers as soon as I have the new ones in stock. Email me and tell me what you want me to do.

Wednesday, April 3, 2002
eva crawford   I   krystal steal   I   szilvia

It never ceases to amaze me how some of the most bizarre search strings end up pointing people to this site. How in the fuck some of these work is way beyond me. I've decided to start compiling some of the best one's for your enjoyment. Like, why should I have all the fun. Check these out.

  • jewish pussy
  • hot tub chicks
  • george hincapie gay
  • penis gallery
  • doylestown kill parents
  • masa's best ass
  • weird shit
  • busch light pics
  • dumb shit
  • how to eat pussy

Does any of that scare you as much as it scares me? And who knew George Hincapie was gay? Why am I always the last one to hear this shit? How did I get out of the loop?

Yesterday I dragged the fixed gear out of the back room where I left it this winter I when I fled for the sunshine of Tucson. The poor old girl, she sat there covered with road grime quietly awaiting my return. I filled a bucket with hot soapy water and went at her with a brush. Tender loving care. I took the fenders off; won't be needing these till next winter. Adjusted the hubs, trued up the wheels and peeled off the old clinchers. I found something newer in the junk pile of tires.

The rear wheel had about had it. Almost ready to give up the ghost I'm afraid. She gave it hell, she did, I'll tell you that much. The hub has been a lost cause for as long as I can remember. The kind you just fill with new bearings and grease but run loose 'cause the races are so shot to hell it'll never run smooth. Now the rim is cracking at the eyelets in about four places. An old Mavic MA. Chromed even. Bad ass looking. I'm gonna keep at her until she just fucking explodes on me.

When I get back to Phoenix, I'll be looking into one of those new hubs from Surly and a new rim, Mavic of course. It's going to be a sweetheart, one that will last through the ages. Just like this last one did.

But, the wheel is lasting for now. She's humming right along. Put in an hour and a half yesterday and two hours today. Two hours on the fixy, and I feel it baby, oh do I ever. Fixed gears are cool.

Tuesday, April 2, 2002
centerfold   I   aria   I   chrissy m

I'll be posting this one a day late and a dollar short as I cannot log on to the server to upload it. I hate it when this happens. I used to get pissed about these types of things, but now I just have a cocktail and go to bed.

But, by having to wait I can now link to the favorites for Ronde van Vlaanderen this coming Sunday. Bring on the Classics, my good man.

One mans story of triumph and tragedy at Redlands reads like a dime store novel. A boy from a small town makes it in the big city. Or, you could also say it reads like this tale of broken wheels and shattered dreams.

  From: Eric
Subject: no subject
This is how my Redlands ended: The last day 20 meters from the start of the race, one of the Volvo Cannondale World Cup riders, Kashi Laurus missed his pedal, though he was more than happy to put his pedal into my rear wheel, making it into a nice Taco, and taking out my rear derailleur. He face-planted and was run over by a few guys who also crashed. I chased for 10 minutes but it was over. $1,000.00 worth of borrowed wheels and drivetrain parts and 2 weeks later I'm at it again! When it rains it pours...

How many flats did you have anyway, four? Five? Two every day? I thought up a new nickname for ya: Flat Eric. Like this dude right here.

Not only do I notice a strong resemblance physically, but you are the new undisputed King of all Flats as well. I wonder what's in store for you in the future? More flats perhaps? Lets hope not. The world cannot afford to keep supplying you tubes. Think of all the natural resources squandered on your tube and tire needs. And who needs to see another picture of a cute little sea lion strangled by one of your spent tubes, or another beached whale with a blow hole full of your old tires. It's too much I tell you.

Stop the madness.

Think of the children.

I'm editing together a few emails from my man RJ, putting together the good stuff and taking out the crap about swimming pool maintenance and where the fire works are hidden. What's left is pretty good. He's been in Belgium for about a week and already racing. Here he's telling me about his first race.

  From: RJ
Subject: RE: Thanks man
Didn't think I would be racing for a couple of weeks. Dropped in headfirst! Made it to about 50k to go and flatted out - We were the last car, so I was behind the caravan before I got a wheel. I was cashed anyway. The Bosberg is fucking sick - Cobbled and steep as hell!

The cobbles are huge - like 4x8 inch bricks - Really rough - I used a low gear because I was cashed and was spinning the rear wheel quite a bit - And it was dry! I don't think it was incredibly steep - maybe like Hummingbird. The Muur - now that sonofabitch was steep - And it pitched up to something crazy at the end. I was a bit to tired to really figure out how steep they were - Just wanted to get to the top!

I'm glad to see they're making a man out of you over there. You are now my bet for the state championship. No one around here will be working as hard as you this summer. How can they, when it's a hundred and twenty in the shade?

Well maybe Ham Fist. He'll be pounding it out all summer. Big miles for the big fist. But, maybe he'll be blown out by then. He hasn't taken a break off the bike since December of '94. He'll be due in a few months.

God damn, where does this leave me? Drinking beer at 3:45 in the afternoon is where. The bar is empty and wonderful. For now anyway. I'm sure the local riff raff will begin to arrive shortly and start crimping my style.

Went to meet my new accountant today. The old one is laid up after a nasty automobile accident and useless to me at tax time. This one is a woman. She is a tax professional. She thought the name of my website was "cute". I thought she was cute. How little she knows. I wonder what she'll be saying once she gets a look at this pill party I'm running over here.

Half of this shit is all lies and half is the God's honest truth. It's up to you to figure out which is which.

Watching the way the light dances off the bottles lined up behind the bar and listening to this dumb fuck next to me, I realize something. I'm getting pretty sick of porn. I mean, c'mon, how long can I continue to look at this shit? Maybe I should actually try to write something decent every once in while. Maybe I already am?

If I pretend real hard, it is the writing that keeps bringing 'em back to drunkcyclist. And not the porn. And certainly not all these God awful videos of girls fucking horses. What kind of demented fuck looks at this stuff?

The answer is, I'm afraid to say, is all of us. We are all to blame. All sinners are we. No one gets out of here alive. Or maybe they do? Does it matter either way in the end? All I know is that I've got seven bucks riding on the bar and full pint of pale ale. After that, I couldn't give a shit.

The guy next to me tells the bartender, "Shit falls down the ladder." Yeah, tell me about it, bucko. I pick up my coin, down my drink and head for the door.

Monday, April 1, 2002
eva crawford   I   sydney moon   I   deliah

It's April Fools day. Good times. I hope some of you out there had fun with it.

  From: Jef
Subject: Bad Times
Big John,
If you have not already heard, the ever popular AMINAKED.COM has been bought...Yes that's right! Now it is AMIASIAN.COM so what gives these days that a good ol hardcore fun site gets bought by large conglomerate? So sad, to bad. Take a look...just not what it use to be.
See Ya, Jeff

You know, it is a shame when a larger conglomerate buys up the little guy companies that were always more fun to begin with and changes them into something completely different. But we wouldn't know what that's like in the bike business, would we? Click here to read all about it.

If I wasn't so stupid and lazy, my site would have fun April Fools things going on too. But, I am too stupid and lazy. No fun around here. You, stop having fun. You hear me?

I just put in a PB effort. You know, a personnel best. Like the guys who really pay attention to that whole racing and training thing. But mine was in a car. Driving one to be exact.

My longest stint driving had been 14 hours. I had done the Phoenix to Denver thing a few times in both directions. Not to bad. I have also driven out to Pennsylvania from Arizona a few times, putting in 12 - 14 hour shifts behind the wheel.

Yesterday, on Easter, I drove from Phoenix, Arizona to Moscow, Idaho straight through. Solo. It took me twenty one and a half hours. I stopped for gas and to take a leak about ten times, but never for more than ten minutes or so.

That's my new record. I've got two friends that have gone farther than that. One from Phoenix to Cleveland, Ohio and the other to Detroit, Michigan. Those guys really racked up the hours. I'm not sure I have it in me to go much further than I did. I'm not sure I'd want to try.

In the Sweet Suffering Christ Department, we have another fun filled installment from Bosco Clontarf. He likes to go big. Real big. He doesn't' just send me an email. Oh no. He sends me a fucking manuscript.

  From: Bosco Clontarf
Subject: Be careful what you wish forÖ
Hope this racing, and Arizona thing is working out for you. What happened to Moscow? Was it the winter or just that weird name? Maybe Starbucks? That place would drive anyone to a trailer park.

Glad to hear that the jerseys are coming along. Can't wait to wear it. On me it will be an advertiser's dream. You'll get lots of exposure time, since I am so fucking out of shape and slow, slow, slow. Really, I have not been riding at all. Went out for the first time in a long while and my stout, beer drinking friend who rides a big travel, dual bounce Titus, was dropping me on the hills. Going UP! Yikes!

Not much new here to report. As always things are pretty good. You might even say that I've got

The World on a String.jpg

For those of us that ride and love great American steel bikes, it is a sad time. Ibis has filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy (liquidation). I have two Ibis' (Ibii?) and I love them both. I guess the only good news is that they are built to last. I'm sad to see Ibis go, just as I was sad for Salsa, and other departed frame shops. Bigger companies making more complicated bikes ain't necessarily a good thing folks! Read more about Ibis' demise here.

As you know, Jonny, I am a stickler for spelling and punctuation. But, I don't remember this being covered in my high school English class. But then, it was so long ago and I paid so little attention, it is quite possible that I missed it. For everyone who loves the language arts, please listen to

The greatest word in the English Language.wav

Jonny, I hope you haven't forgotten about the beautiful flora of the Sonoran desert. Remember, when making excursions into the desert, try to avoid

Close Encounters of the Cholla Kind.jpg

Arghh, that last shot makes me afraid about losing my line out at Pima and Dynamite. Here's a little friendlier Arizona flora. Maybe a little too friendly. Is that a saguaro in your pocket? You know it takes about 50 years for one of those limbs to grow? (And I thought I was having problems getting it up.)

Cactus on Viagra.jpg

And to think that most of us just drink from one of these things. Do you think we should tell her that's what they are for? Naaaaah!!

Best Use of Water Bottle.jpg

Here is a picture of

Yet Another girl You Will Never Sleep With.jpg

If you read anything about riding on the road, you know that form is everything. Buy the right size bike. Hell, buy a custom bike if you can. Get fitted to your bike by an expert. Have him set up the right saddle height and stem length. Work on your flexibility, especially your hamstrings. Do sit-ups to tighten those stomach muscles. Visualize yourself on the bike. Bend from the hips and most importantly

Keep a Flat Back.jpg

When buying bike shoes there are several features you should consider. Ensure they are breathable so your feet don't sweat too much. Many people prefer a ratchet closure to ensure they will fit snugly. And don't forget to ask if they are

SPD Compatible.jpg

Question: Look at this picture and determine

Why This Girl Is Not French.jpg

a. No hair under her arms.
b. No hair on her legs.
c. No hair sprouting out of her panties
d. No French girl would dare put her nose that close to her armpit.

DeeDee always wanted to make it in bicycle advertising. She knew everything about bikes, she knew the industry, hell, she KNEW everyone who rode RAGBRAI for the last four years. (Well, almost everyone.) But somehow her trailer park upbringing haunted her and never allowed her that wholesome, girl next-door look that so many advertisers wanted. Rejected for every bicycle related ad campaign she came to be known as

Not Quite a Marzocchi Girl.jpg

My name is Fred. Look at my bike. Why am I smiling? Is it because of my spiffy, new jersey from Performance? No! Is it because my bike is broken? No! It is because

I am Lucky to Have a Face.jpg

I am sure these guys were planning on using their granny gear. From USA Today, Feb 10, 2002 - News of the weird FAIRBANKS, Alaska - Two men charged with trying to steal a 500-pound safe from the Moose Lodge apparently planned to use their bikes as getaway vehicles, police said. The pair had managed to move the safe a just few feet when police arrived, shortly before 2 a.m. Roger Yost, 40, and William Isberg, 40, both of Fairbanks, were charged Monday with burglary, criminal mischief, theft and attempted theft.

Who was the production genius who composed this work of art? Let's look at the composition. We want naked girls. What do we get?

A bike, flowers, umbrella, picnic basket and a girl with a tattoo.jpg

Because it bends and doesn't break. And that boys and girls, is reason #47

Why Steel Is Better Than Aluminum.jpg

New warning label found in Pearl Izumi classic 8 panel tights: "For maximum comfort, wash in cold water on delicate cycle. Allow to air dry. If you choose to wear clitoral jewelry,

It's Your Ass.jpg

And speaking of your ass. At some point in your life, your wife/girlfriend will ask you, "Does this make my ass look fat?" First, of all, if you aren't already sure, there is only one correct answer to that question. Anyway, I think that is the answer to why the damned saddles on those gym/workout bikes are so freakin' wide. It's just the bike's way of saying

Does Her Ass Make My Saddle Look Fat.jpg

Ooooh, look Victoria, there's a spring down here by the rear wheel, so that pointy little

Seat Bounces Up and Down.jpg

I used to ride on the roads with a buddy who was a Scot. (He was NOT Scotch as everyone mistakenly says. Someone from Scotland is a Scot, Scotch is what you drink after the race...) After my turn at the front of the paceline he would usually make a comment as I slid passed him on the way to the back. "Unbridled Power," he would say with a smile. Except with that Scottish accent it came out sounding like "Oooonbraydild Pooooer." Whenever he said the words hail, hell and hill, they all sounded exactly the same. Which made me wonder what it would happen if he said something like "This hill and hail are hell! I think I was the only one in our group who ever understood what he was saying. I was thinking about all this when I saw this picture of what is left of a crank when it is subjected to real

Unbridled Power.jpg

Time to mount up and ride boys! Cruisers Ho! Or is that a

Ho on a Cruiser.jpg

Darrell had been looking forward to this day for months. 250 and 300 mile weeks were the norm. Long rides, intervals, hill work, sprints, indoor roller workouts; he did it all. And it was all focused on one event: the annual Gay Mills, Wisconsin criterium. On Sunday morning, race day, Darrell woke way before dawn. He dressed quietly and ate a light breakfast. On the way out he gently kissed his wife, Rayleen, who was trying gamely to sleep with the hallway light square in her face. "Wish me luck," he said. "What do I get if I win today?" "ABC's Wide World of Sports" came the sleepy reply. "Huh?" "You heard me," she said, "Just win and it's Wide World of Sports for you buddy. Now turn off the damned light and let me sleep." All the way to the race, Rayleen's strange promise, played over and over in his head. A little bewildered and a lot intrigued, his mind ignored the pain of staying close to the front through 11 trips over the Gay Mills hump. Brought back to reality, by the last lap bell, he realized he was still part of the lead group with a 100 meter gap back to a disorganized pack. Tucking in behind Joel Vermillion, he knew the move would come at the hump. Just like last year, Joel made his jump halfway up the hump, but Darrell was ready. They gapped the other two and Joel was sunk. Spent from his surge, his face the color of his last name, he faced a slight downhill to the line and 20 meter gap to the others; he realized he was stuck in front. Darrell swung around him easily 30 meters out and crossed the line arms upright.

Rayleen was out when he got home, but stuck her head into Darrell's steamy shower. "Well, how did you do," she asked? "Just call me Jim McKay," he said with a wicked smile. "All right, big boy, Wide World of Sports, it is. Meet me in the living room in five." Definitely aroused and barely dry, Darrell sprinted down the hall to find his two favorite things: His trusty blue Cannondale and his naked wife. "I don't get it," he said, "Wide World of Sports?" "Yeah, lay down," she said, "'Cause you're gonna experience

The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of De Feet.jpg

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