New layout over at lameking. Nice job, spooner. Good looking out over there. Who knew he worked at Disneyland?

And, how bad ass is this? I'm still pissed I missed it. Damn it.

Rob from pwctoday.com sent me these two links today. Or, the other day. Something. I guess he couldn't use them on his own site. They are my trailer park and cameltoe.

Things just keep looking better and better around here. Got the chat room going. I got to talk with my friend Cari, who works for an undisclosed manufacturer of high end head sets, and Todd, who is a bicycle messenger in D.C. They are both real cool people.

But it's going to be shut down soon, I'm sure of that. When it does, I'll put something together on my own, on a friendlier server, so I can so whatever the fuck I want.

I'm feelin' it, you feelin' it?

I rode my mountain bike around in the snow yesterday for the first time since I was in Moab. It was kind cool to see all that red dust get covered with big old snow flakes. It's still red in places. Maybe it always will be.

It's a good bike, one of the best I've ever owned. I know I gave the guys at Specialized a hard time a while back for the whole SuperGo thing in Phoenix. I'm sorry for some of the feelings I hurt, but not all of them. I think my point was made. And, it really is a damn good bike.

From: WCG Subject: I'm a masochist dude have you ever done this one? rosaritoensenada.com?? my bros did it on beach cruisers a few years back. 50 miles , lots of costal hills, cold beer no fucking gears!! I wanna do it next on my single speed with a goddamn drunkcyclist jersey stained with taco sauce and beer. Response

Man, that sounds like a good time. Sort of an abbreviated version of Ragbrai. Pedal, pedal, glug, glug. I want you to have that drunkcyclist jersey, too. In fact, buy about 7 of them. It'd really help a brother out.

From: cory Subject: RE: about time... good fer you man, tell em' i think their fancy coffee tastes like a frenchman's piss and i can buy 12 cans of hamms beer fer 89 cents more than that used motor oil ......just git my jersey and pit #1 on the back......sweetwhore...my new fav thing to do is watch people in cars sliding in uncontrollable 720's on ice....if they had my new bike (the snowplow) and a belly full of cheap beer they'd be fine....and ridin' straight,,,well sorta you betta buy a shovel.....cory

God Damn. I knew I made you the Northern Arizona Regional Representative for some reason. But, don't expect anything out of it, you dirty hippie. I take that back, I'll pay for a shave and a hair cut. Then you're cut off. Finito. Kaput.

Thursday, November 29, 2001

linda   I   black   I   white

I just got sent home early from my job with the Starbucks Coffee Nazis. I can't say I'm sad about it. If given the chance to escape from that hell, I'll jump at it. Believe me when I say I can find better things to do with my time.

I've got so many things going on with the site, I don't even know when to start. There is never enough time to get done half of the shit I want to. Many of you out there may like my daily update, but to me most are less than what I'd like them to be. Hours of my life disappear like minutes doing this shit.

Like the sands through the hourglass, so are the days of out lives.

These last few days, I'm almost scared to open my mail. It's a friggin shitstorm of messages. I apologize if it takes me a few days to get back to some of you. But, I try to reply to everything I get.

I think I'll upload some new videos for your enjoyment. Jason, who sent in video number 27, called it "the grossest thing I have ever seen." Thanks, I think. It's gnarly. I'm sure the guys at Kona are gonna love it. Number 28 and 29 ain't bad either. Check 'em out.

I want to thank all of you that have taken the time to fill out the "I want a jersey" form. As of 11:00 am Thursday, there are 56 of you. (note: at 1:20 pm, there are now 66.) Including some from Canada and the U.K.

The minimum order is 25. I knew we could do that with out too much trouble. I thought I'd maybe, and I mean maybe, go through 50. By now it looks like we may just push triple digits and order up a hundred. I can't believe it. I'm stoked on all you guys and girls. Maybe a little more stoked on the girls, but that's understandable. Thank you all for the support.

A guy named Marco sent in this link to the center of the world. It takes a bit to load, but it is a ton of fun for sure. I just spend the last ten minutes there. Actually I think I was there twice. Go check it out, and you'll understand what I'm talking about.

I added a chat room to the site today. I don't know how long it will last before I burn it down. No one wants to provide a free chat room to a site with any "adult content". Fucking pussies. You should see the terms of service contract. Yeah, yeah, scroll, scroll, click "yes" and let's get on with it.

Basically, they can pull the plug, without warning, at any time they feel like it. So as soon as someone at Multicity.com actually takes the time to look at my homepage, it's bye bye time.

Well, it's decision time. I either open up the mail and get crushed, or start suiting up for a bike ride and get crushed. I'll flip a coin.

Heads.

I'm going riding. In case your wondering, I probably would have gone riding if it was tails too.

Thursday, November 29, 2001

from gary   I   tittys and beer

Remember the terrorist story I posted yesterday? Well, it was horseshit. Read this to find out more.

Ever wonder what all that odd lingo people use in those personnel ads really means? Look no further, this handy guide will steer you in the right direction.

40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

What is this shit? They killed Pabst!

Back to happier news, the drunkcyclist.com jersey project is rocking and rolling. The feedback has been nothing short of exceptional. I didn't expect 25 people to sign up in the first night. Totally awesome. The more people who sigh up, the more jerseys I'm going to print. Click here to find out more.

This got submitted today with the title "very strange." Indeed.

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

amateur   I   hotty on a bike

When I left for my ride today at 3:15 it was 35 degrees outside. Since the sun sets around here at 4:00, I don't need to tell you it was a lot colder when I got back. I also probably don't need to tell you that it sucked.

What had been midday slush was turned into a frozen myriad of crisscrossing tire tracks and footprints buy mid afternoon. Riding through that crap is one hell of an adventure. You just bounce over it in all directions.

Pretending I was Andrea Tafi giving it hell in Paris - Roubaix, hands on the tops, way back on the saddle, just fucking pounding it lost it's luster after 20 minutes of sliding all over the friggin place thinking I was going to kill myself. I don't know how I managed to stay upright. Did I mention I was riding a fixed gear?

I wore shorts covered with tights covered with bibs, undershirt, jersey, pile pull over and Gore-Tex parka. New $7.00 gloves, shoe covers and a Lotto cycling cap (go Tchmil) under the helmet completed the look. I froze my fucking ass off.

My goal was to ride for one hour. I know, it doesn't sound like much. But, it's that time of year, isn't it. Ride for an hour almost everyday on the fixed gear. I think I actually lasted more like 55 minutes. But, I'm writing an hour in my journal. Fuck it, I earned it.

In other news, I almost got written up for the second time at work today. I guess I'm not a "team player". I don't "buy into the Starbucks message". I don't "work well with others". I don't "care". Those are my quotes. I don't even get in trouble for things that are half as cool as that.

I get in trouble for dumb ass shit. And, I still don't care.

This is crazy enough to be true.

I don't care what this guy says, I still can't wait to see the Ron Jeremy movie porn star. It is so gonna kick ass.

Oh, my god. That might just be the lamest thing I've ever seen. Ugh. Way to fucking ruin an other wise great bike. It is cheap, and stickers do come off. Fucking Starbucks bullshit.

It doesn't even look like it has any shiftlevers. Just derailleurs with no cable attached. Is that the Ibis brushed ti stem? And, it comes with a hot unit beverage holder. Too bad it's too small for my fat ass, or I'd really think about buying that thing.

Anyone know the top tube length on a 20 inch Ibis? I think it's under 23 inches. And that won't work for a freak-o like me. No sir.

This next thing just pisses me off. I wonder if it's true. Seems like every other thing I read these days isn't.

From: Wallace Subject: Read and heed Terrorist pilot, Mohammed Atta, blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners." However, the Israelis would not release any with "blood on their hands." The American President at the time, William J. Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released. Thus Mr. Atta was freed and eventually "thanked the US"; he flew an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports. The American public must be made aware of this fact

Now that we're all finished with the porn section of the update as well as the "my life sucks so much" section, you reckon you're up for a little political activism? It's time to put those mouse clicks to good use.

Didn't think you had it in ya? Read this letter.

From: Jeff W. Subject: Vitamin - Red Alert On Monday, November 26, 2001, Codex is meeting in Germany. This will be another attempt to shift power in the direction of multinational pharmaceutical companies and erode freedom of choice in health care and supplements. It is expected that they will vote on vitamins on Monday. You can play your part to protest this action by taking half a minute to go to the following web site: vitamins-for-all.org. "In two days the Codex Alimentarius is meeting in Germany to remove our worldwide rights on vitamins, all natural supplements, and natural health care. The drug companies want to take control of it all, thus either eliminating products altogether or making them very expensive and only available through a prescription, and pharmaceutically made with synthetics (this has already happened in Germany). Please go to this website and send your protest and get this to as many people as you possibly can. It only takes a minute and is very easy to do - the protest letters go directly to this committee. There are over 40 million letters so far."

The word on the street is that you can no longer buy a 1000 mg Vitamin C tablet in Germany without a prescription. If that is the case, then it's totally fucked.

This is going the mystery mail, for reasons that will soon prove to be obvious.

Jonny! Been away from the site for a while. So I take a look back at your archives, and see that a coupl'a daze ago you asked someone to get in a car accident. Well, I did just that. That's why I'm using this stoopid email address, so I don't get busted. You see, I drove my fucking sweet car into a bridge pier, yeah, drunk off my ass. But, no DUI, no other property or persons involved, and I wasn't hurt. So now that I've proved I'm a fucking drunk idiot, I'm off the booze and on my bike for transportation. Guess I'm not a drunkcyclist anymore. But I still dig porn, so I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Ha! My dick says to keep up the good work!

I'm just glad you weren't hurt. Although it is funny when friends get hurt. I wonder if it's better to drive into a bridge pier, or off a bridge pier?

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

wow   I   wow   I   wow

Steve sent this link in and fuckin' A is it great. It takes a bit to load, but it's worth it. Oh, and if you're anything like me, clean that mouse ball up a bit, it's going to really help. Click here.

I missed this for the second year in a row. Last year I had to work, this year my stupid ass is stuck in Idaho, and I had to work. Next year, I'm there. You hear that Jimmy? If I'm not dead or in prison, I am committing to being there. For you Jim, for you.

Corey "angry hippy" in Flagstaff is the new northern arizona regional drunkcyclist representatitive. Someone start busting his balls for me.

OK, due to overwhelming demand I'm going to try and put together a jersey. You heard right, drunkcyclist.com jerseys. Let your freak flag fly baby.

I want to see all of you assholes out there fucking up pacelines, chasing down local hotshots and showing up at races with a beer in your hand wearing my jersey. It's just the apparel for that tough transition from the group ride to the bar stool to the paddy wagon. Wear one at your next arraignment hearing with pride.

And in the name of good wholesome American fun, we're going to pair this up with the fine folks over at liquor, guns and porn. What else is there, really? It's like a match made in heaven. Shoot guns, eat pussy.

The final design hasn't been decided yet, neither had the release date, but fuck it. It's going to be three colors with three pockets and a zipper. In short, a jersey. It'll be cool, I wouldn't put anything out there that wasn't. Click here and do exactly like the song says...

"...at the finish, the only thing that prevails is the nobility and honour of the sportsman." Well said. Want more? Click here.

From: brett Subject: Are fractions dead? Mississippi seems to think so. Check out the link below, state legislation attempting to mold the fabric of education to what they deem as more accessible. snopes2.com/lost/fraction.htm

The scariest part about that is how truly believable it is. I mean, you read it and you think to yourself, well, maybe. It could happen. Look at Kansas. Why not Kentucky?

Monday, November 26, 2001

jewel denyle   I   ugh   I   jenna   I   kiki

I guess the letter I posted about Ollie North and Osama Bin Laden on the 14th was bullshit. Read about it here. Oh well.

And I thought I ate well this weekend.

How do these girls walk with those things? I guess jogging is out of the question. Playing tennis, farming, or just sitting around this girl looks great doing it all.

Looks like Bart Bowen has a broken leg. Ouch.

I was hoping to get some kind of race report sent in about the Tour de Tucson. But, nothing has showed up yet. I got zip, just rumors of Gord Fraser and Jimmy Riccitello showing up on a tandem with a 58 - 11 and then dropping everybody at 44 miles per hour on a flat road. Sounds like a good time.

Brain "Ham Fist" Forbes was up there at the end and took home a fine 7th place. Hey, it's a lot better than I would have done. I wouldn't have been ten seconds ahead of someone like Jeannie Longo. I don't have the class to hand her a rain coat.

It's 36 degrees outside with intermittent snow flurries at 2:30 in the afternoon. I'm going riding. Fuck all.

Looks like these guys are too.

From: ilcampione Subject: Another reason to bomb the fuck out of Bin Ladin Not only is he a terrorist fuckhead, he doesn't like bikes either. Read on... Monday November 26 9:22 AM ET Cyclists Pedal Out of the Closet KABUL (Reuters) - Afghan cycling enthusiasts, forced off their bikes by the Taliban, are back in the saddle. About 20 cyclists in full gear staged their first race for five years from the capital, Kabul, Sunday after the city fell to forces of the Northern Alliance. Braving a potholed road that crosses the heavily mined former front line, they traveled 40 km (25 miles) north to the town of Charikar at the base of the Panjsher valley. The Taliban had outlawed public sports events in line with their strict interpretation of Islamic law that also obliged men to wear beards and women to leave their homes only in the company of a male relative and shrouded in a full-length burqa veil. ''During Taliban times we weren't allowed to do sports, it was very difficult. Now with freedom we can do what we want, so we are organizing this race,'' Mahmood Azani, of Afghanistan (news - web sites)'s Olympic Committee, told Reuters television. He said the race had been staged in honor of the late Ahmed Shah Masood, the Northern Alliance's legendary commander. Two assassins posing as journalists killed Masood in a bomb attack two days before the September 11 hijacked airliner assaults on New York and Washington.

Ya see, with out kick ass bikes, big old boobs and gallons of beer, the world just goes to hell. I should be the fucking president.

Sunday, November 25, 2001

sweet & innocent   I   gauge   I   pamela

I lasted one half an hour on the bike today. It's all I could muster out of myself. The snow, the cold, the wind. Fuck it. Looks like I better stoke myself up for another visit to the gym. It's 4:15, I figure an hour or so of old Giro coverage might just do the trick.

I might even have to dig deep and break out the 2000 Tour of Flanders. Watching that is right up there with the first Rocky movie. Good stuff.

Have you seen this? My God. That is almost as good as a brand new Kona bicycle. Or, a Bell helmet. Almost

I miss my friend casey. That's him in the Bushey's BMX jersey. I'm the one with the backpack full of Budweiser. Check the date, the forth of July. I also miss riding those bad ass desert trails at Pima and Dynamite. Especially when it's been snowing outside for thirty fucking hours straight.

Saturday, November 24, 2001

not for tucker   I   aimee sweet   I   hot damn

Do you have any idea how long I've been looking for this? Do you? I've had two pics out of that set for the last year. I am stoked. Way USA, buddy.

This sounds like a good idea to me. I hope it does to you too.

From: Wallace Subject: free Campbell's soup People in New York and DC are going to be having to hit food banks hard. There will be a need in NY for the soup. Below is an easy way to help.... Campbell's is donating a can of soup to area food banks just by clicking on a football helmet at their website. So let's see which team gets the most support and help some hungry people, too! It's quick, easy, and can be done once a day. Here is a hyper link to directly connect you to their website. Just click on this web address: http://www.chunky.com/click_for_cans.asp then click on your favorite team's helmet and Campbell has donated a can of soup. That is it! Please pass this to a friend or 2,3,4...

How about a pass it on to a few hundred people? A few thousand? I can do that. Quickly.

I hit the Eagles a few times. Go figure. Man, I'm all fucked up from Thanksgiving and all that time in the car getting back up here to the frozen tundra. Looks like I wasn't the only one.

From: Scott Subject: Big Pimpin Oh shit Jonny tonight has been the most incoherent night I've ever had. I've managed to keep myself drunk for more than 8 hours. That is a new record for me. Right now I feel like a fucking train wreck. Aron (you cell phone boy) and I along with other friends had a limo that we stocked with a few hundred dollars worth of alcohol. So basically tonight became a blur at about 5 pm. 8 + hours later and all the alcohol is gone and I don't remember shit but I at least had to write you. Well Jonny I also wanted to wish you a happy thanksgiving and I'll buy you a drink when you come down next time. Scott

Nice. You forgot gambling. When I come down I'll be all over you like a cheap suit. You better ask momma for your magic legs 'cause I'm opening up a can of whoop ass. Bring a lunch.

Friday, November 23, 2001

monika   I   bath time   I   oh my

First day back in town. Yee haa. I woke up this morning in a strange bed, in a strange house, in Boise, Idaho. About 300 miles south of here. I drove in time to change my clothes, enjoy a nutritious bowl of top ramen and be at work by 3:00. Fuck me. In the skull.

Now it's 11:30 at night. Yeah, I just closed the place. It's not nearly as fun as closing the bar. I can tell you that much.

I have never been so close to just telling people to "Suck my mother fucking dick, you pathetic shmuck. Get your own coffee." As I was all day today. Anyone want to start a pool on how long I last? There is no way in hell I can make it to the 22nd of December, when I'm planing to leave town for Christmas. No way in hell.

Enough about that shithole. Thanksgiving kicked ass. And not just for me.

From: The Carneys Subject: Thanksgiving I can't think of any holiday that is better then Thanksgiving. I get plug the girlfriend a couple of times before sending her on her way for a couple of days then go to brunch and start to eat and drink lots of beer. For the rest of the day I just drink and eat while watching football, until the big feast in the evening. Then I just drink and eat more until afterwards I just drink. Nothing like going back to the old "case a day" days. Then the next couple of days I get to try and ride it all off. Does it get better then Thanksgiving. What a holiday! P.S. Keep up the good work.

You forgot one thing. Gambling. More precisely, gambling with the Snake. Cans of Budweiser and slices of homemade pie. I think I actually had more pie that beer. Seriously. I went big. Ever see a 54 dollar pot in a nickel and dime game of acey ducey? I can tell you I didn't take that one home. Nope, not this guy.

That damn Snake worked me over nine ways to Tuesay. I have no idea how a game where the ante is a nickel can get up to 54 dollars, and I was there. I also have no idea how you can possibly lose when delt an Ace and a two. You get that hand you bet the pot. You can't loose. But I did. I drew a two. Ouch.

I did get kinda lucky once. Queen showing and a ten in my hand I drew King, Jack, nine. A straight in five card draw is 600 to 1 odds. My take? About .85 cents. But, I did win the hand. That's the important part.

Wednesday, November 21, 2001

naughty   I   annie   I   tereza

First up, everyone make sure you do the right thing on Thursday. Eat turkey and watch football. That's just what the pilgrims did, and what this holiday is all about.

Check this website out. They link stuff like this. Now, that is a cool website.

From: Fergus Subject: Funny Hey man Cool site- heres a joke I got sent Fergus Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3" And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Afghans this time and one cyclist." And the guy exclaimed, "A cyclist ?!!!" So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the 40 million Afghans!"

Remember kids, killing cyclists isn't cool, stay in school. And, don't drink moose drool. It's piss beer at best. A name only. Here, have one of Unkie Jon's Pabst Blue Ribbons. Don't make a face, Timmy, drink it like a man. Your father didn't go to prison so you could grow up a sissy.

From: Bosco Subject: Watercraft operator died after hitting flying duck Dear Jonny, Reason number 42 why I ride a bike. I don't know whether to feel worse about the guy or the duck. What a bizarre way to go... www.azcentral.com/news Regards, Bosco

I don't even know what to add to that one. OK, how about this? Rob doesn't even have that story up at pwctoday.com yet. I'm breaking this story, and I'm running a bikes/boobs/beers site? I mailed them the link because I care.

What a way to go. Vrroom, vrroom, weeee, SMACK...

This last one is funny as hell. At least I thought it was. And, around here buddy, that is all that matters.

From: Wallace Subject: Flies Speaking of flies. I went to my friend Normies house the other day and he was wandering around with a fly swatter in his hand. I asked him if he had gotten any flies and he replied that he had killed 5 of them, three males and two females. I said. "Normie, how can you tell the sex of a fly? He replied, Easy. There were three on a beer can and two on the phone.

Since I won't be updating for a few days while I'm on the road, and my mind is still stuck squarely in the gutter, I've decided to link up a couple porn star galleries for your viewing pleasure. Oh, it's a good time for sure. Don't burn through all of them at once and don't break your penis.

OK, have a great Thanksgiving. I'll be back in about three days.

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

sydney   I   not in the least bit trashy   I   light bulb tits

This time of year we have, well, all of about nothing at all for cycling action. Old riders transfer, young riders are doped to the gills and somebody broke his finger. Just read this and tell me any of it's interesting. Chirst. It's killing me.

Somebody punch out your wife, get in a car accident, get implicated in a "Belgian Bunny Juice" scandal. Something. Anything. Football is OK, but even that bores the shit outta me after about twelve minutes. Fuck.

Travis sent in a link to mulletsgalore. We've all probably seen it before, but it never really gets old. A classic.

I like slutty women and porn stars.

Anyone doing something fun for Thanksgiving?

I'm going down south of here to a little town called Nampa. It's right next to a big town called Boise. And in that town called Boise there will be one mother fucker named Snake. And the Snake has a date with something called Destiny. And Destiny is something called Cruel.

I have come to ride the women, and rape the horses. And stuff. And how.

Monday, November 19, 2001

rita   I   campus coeds   I   mrs. marconi

Thanks to Todd for sending this one in, it's a good read. I think he called it, "one more reason we're number one." It's just the type of shit you can't believe really happens. But, baby, it does.

Also, check this out. Send it to each and every bike messenger you know. Do it now.

From: Marlon Subject: No Subject. Hey, I'm a new admirer of yer website - it's great! Don't know if you've see this, but I thought you might wanna take a look at this, big Lance's take on... well, having a bit of fun off-road. It was filmed just this fall just outside Vancouver, Canada. Have fun! http://www.nikebiz.com/media/mov_avi/weather_lance.mpeg - Marlon

Right on. Thanks for sending that link in. Pretty funny shit. I'd recommend saving yourself a headache, right clicking on that bad boy and choosing "save target as".

Interesting note on warranties. I think that would about void anything coming from Trek, doncha think?

And while I'm putting up the goods, go see this. I can't wait to see that movie. Looks like the closest showing to me is in Seattle. 400 miles away. Road trip.

From: keller Subject: philly rides Hey i got to your site from mtbr.com, and i assume you're in the philly area since you talk about the eagles and i think you mentioned doylestown. Anyway, i'm from philly originally but i go to school in pittsburgh, and i always try to find philly area trails for when i come home but anywhere i go i don't know my way around, like don't know the trails and all. Anyway, just wondering if you had some favorites different from what everyone always says(VF, Wiss., blah blah blah) thanks.

I wrote back to 'ol Keller here and told him that basically I don't know my asshole from my elblow for Philly trails. I live in bum fuck Idaho. It's a good time. Anyway, if any of you out there can point the two of us in the right direction, mail it in. Dump it in the message boards, whatever.

OK, it's time to go ridey ride before I go to work.

Sunday, November 18, 2001

sloppy diane   I   tight klara   I   juliet & melinda

I've only the time for a quick little update thing today. I've got to get out there and ride. For the first time in three days, it isn't raining.

Watched the eagles open up a can of whoop ass all over dallas. Nice. I hate dallas. And the lakers, but that's another story.

Got this in the mail. I think it says it all.

From: Julie Subject: fuckin sellout jonny, why don't you just change your website name to drunkcoffeemaker.com you fucking pussy since that's what it's all about now. i least you still have porn. that's the main reason we still look at it. jul and yardsale

Ouch. The truth hurts. OK. I'll lay off the Starbucks stories for awhile. I'll save up till I have a real good one. Like when I fucking murder one of my coworkers. Look for that to happen later this week.

Saturday, November 17, 2001

totally tits   I   crazy babe   I   red

This got sent in today, starbucked.com. I read it and decided that one Mr. Jeremy Dorosin is a total fucking idiot. Seriously. Nice book you're pushing.

If you want to write, just write. I do. All you're trying to do is sell me something. You are no different that the Starbucks corporate hell you claim to be rallying against.

Is lameking dead? It wasn't up last night.

Man, I hope not. That site was great. Way better than the rest.

From: Scott Subject: Seen this yet? Yeah sure it replaces you and me but it's fuckin hilarious anyway. www.divine-interventions.com

Wow. Now I know I'm going to hell. And fast. With all of you sicko masturbating bastards.

Um, what?

Every once in a while I have to get all serious and shit. I hate to do it, but I heard about some real fucked up stupid shit tonight.

Some guy who went to my high school, and graduated a year behind me with my sister, shot both his parents and then himself last week.

What the fuck? That is insane. How far gone are you that a triple homicide becomes and answer?

So, while I'm looking through online archives of Doylestown, Pennsylvania newspapers, for more information, I find out about this.

One of two U.S. Army Rangers killed in the first acknowledged combat deaths in the war against terrorism was 28-year-old Pfc. Kristofor T. Stonesifer, who grew up in Doylestown Township.

He went to elementary school with my friend Rob over at pwctoday.com. He was a few years behind me in school, but, I knew his older brother Ric pretty good. Read more about it here.

That is fucked up.

It's an ugly, ugly world out there people.

From: Scott F. Subject: Race pic of Brian In First Union Pro In Philly http://members.home.net/raspovits/First%20Union%20race%20Page%204.htm The Link is to a site that had a pic of Brian in it from the Philly race. I was suprised to see it anyway. Hope all is well. See ya latter Scott

Oh my God, it's the HAM FIST!

Just look at him. All buff and tan. It's all a facade. You want an insider secret? Tanning bed.

Yup, that is a fake bake. He didn't earn that with hard hours in the saddle. No, sir. He lays in a tanning bed with a needle of Johan Bruyneel's famous "Belgian Bunny Juice" sticking out of his ass.

What do you think made Lance so strong? Hard work, no way. Bunny Juice and tanning beds.

If there is one thing I'm sure of, that physique is not the product of hard labor.

Forbes is going to fucking kill me.

Friday, November 16, 2001

asian   I   april   I   daisy

Thank God it's Friday. And this week, my friends, I mean it. I can't wait to get drunk. Oh yeah, just in case you thought I was playin' around naming my website drunkcyclist. That is just what I am.

I have some funny notes from another day at Starbucks. Notes, you say? Just that, I write down things as they happen come to me, or come to me throughout the day. Here is what I pulled out of my pocket tonight.

Small change, small mind.
Who counts out .38 cents? I mean really, dude. Are you kidding me? How fucking hard is it? This guy counts out each coin, literally touching each one in his palm. Thirty eight cents. It's a quarter, a dime and three pennies. You should be able to ascertain that at a glance. One big silver coin, a little silver coin and three copper ones.

Eggnog
This was my personnel fave of the day. I sold a pair of big fat old heifers two venti eggnog frappacinos. That bad boy is 20 ounces: half eggnog, some coffee, and half ice. Mixed up in a blender with whipped cream on top. What makes this so special is that these girls were stopping in, wearing nylon work-out clothes, on their way to the gym.

L.A.T.T.E
Listen, acknowledge, Take action, thank customer and Encourage return. Sorta. I did that one from memory. Anyway those are the "service recovery steps" we are supposed to take as caring Starbucks employee's when a customer is dissatisfied. I miss the good old days at the bike shop when out "service recovery steps read more like, F.U.C.K. Y.O.U and G.E.T. O.U.T.

Alright, we're gonna go with the short one first. Oh, this is gonna be so good.

From: Casey Subject: More anit-starbucks goodies... Check out www.cbldf.org/pr/001130-starbucks.shtml. I dig the logo. Or ihatestarbucks.com. Regards from your admirer at Trek Corp. CmK

Good shit, thanks for sending that in. I like that I hate starbucks site. I can really relate. I even signed the guest book.

Are you ready for this? You might want to take a deep breath. One, two, here we go.

From: Jake Subject: caff-fucking-eing You sell out. You nothing but my bitch now. Ha hahahah Fucking idiot. Ive been listening to that shit for over 3 years now. and you complain on what your second day. bitch. Get ready for hell with the shakes. You will be making shit you never even heard of. The sorry thing is that I have already been there......twice. Ive made shit that would make even a seasoned vetran such as myself puke. bitch. Ive finaly had a day off from waking up at five in the morning to write you this letter of woe. bitch. Get the fuck out while you can. this job that you have will ruin you and your will to live. people will suck the life out of you for the extra foamy cap, and then leave you with nothing. Ive seen fully sain people come in and start working and leave mear shells of a human being. only the strong survive the weak melt and wither away. So bitch I give to you the ultimate way to stay awake and sane during a 7 hour shift. bitch..... 5:00 am wake up with nasty hangover and cotton mouth from the night of drinking before with tex 5:05 am in the car and driving to work because the bike has a flat and you cant fix it in time 5:15 am a double shot of espresso right after you clock in. (you got to get paid to drink) 6:00 am open up the coffee shop only to wait 1 hour for the first customer 6:01 am test the brewed coffee small cup dont drink to much to early let things happen 7:05 am push the duce in the bano and kill all the come after you. hahah bitch 8:09 am the real rush is on because everyone is so late to work so work fast here. oh yea, another double shot here should do the trick 10:00 am Now you dont even know your own name youve served so much coffee. might as well have test the shot times and have another double. oh Im sorry did I forget to say bitch on the end of that...... bitch 11:30 your stomache hurts so fucking bad because all you had to eat was a half of a bone dry scon and 7 shots of espresso and a small cup of coffe that is cold now because you have to serve everyone and their dog some fucking bullshit drink. Do you think I'm bitter??? So you refill your small cup now with more coffee. Just one binger to brighten your day. You get off at about 12:00 Now comes the real test. One large cup to go because you can. then the thing to do is go home and ride your bike, because you cant sleep or consentrate on shit. You know you have done it right when ... your hands shake all the time, you have the cold sweats, your very irriatable, and you have the potential to snap at any given moment, you dig.....bitch so to sum it all up. 8 shots of espresso 1 large cup to go and 2 smalls throughout the day. and how do I know this works. 3 fucking years of doing it and some damn good bike results to match. heres a few Career Highlights 4 time Arizona state champion. 2x Road 1 Cyclo-cross 1 mountain bike In 4 years 157 races 96 Top 5 finishes in the last 4 years heres a link for the groupies http://www.usacycling.org/rankings/?RNK_MSRO02XXXXXX.html this is how I know that it works. so bitch have fun and the corperate job and try and stay off your knees.......bitch snake

Jesus Christ. I just wanted a hug. You wanna hug?

Snake, you are the fucking greatest. Man, that is some good shit. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Oh God, what is it now, eleven? I have to take a shower and crawl into bed so I can get up at 5:00 am. I'll be thinking of you when I roll back that first shot.

Thursday, November 15, 2001

chloe jones   I   massive mammories   I   for tucker

I just can't believe the people who come into Starbucks. It truly is a section of society I have not been previously exposed to. Or, maybe I used to avoid people like that?

Either way it doesn't matter. The end result is still the same. I sell unhealthy drinks to big fat people.

You think I'm kidding? Today the lady asked me for something I had never heard of. It began with something like "breva..". I want a venti latte breva-babble. I can't remember, shit, I couldn't even say it five seconds after she did. You want to know what it is?

It's when you froth up, not milk, but half and half for your latte. Yup, that pasty, heavy cream shit. I'm talking about one sicko drink here people. The venti size is 20 fluid ounces. The latte in that size, I think now, I could be wrong, is three shots of espresso. It might be four, but I don't think so. Now, remember that a shot is one ounce.

This drink is three ounces coffee and seventeen ounces half and half. That's like four coffee mugs full of that shit. Ugh.

I still can't believe she drank that. It made me friggin sick. Gnarly. It comes out like a milk shake.

Someone tell me just what in the hell is wrong with a regular cup of coffee? Or, at least order one of the fifty drinks we have on the menu. Everyone wants to customize their beverage in some way. No wip (cream) extra wip, hazelnut syrup, blah, blah, blah. It just goes on and on. No one orders off the menu.

Many of these drinks turn out to be ridiculously redundant. Like, today I guy asked for a "double shot grande wip mocha." Let me break this down for ya. A grande mocha already has two shots and whip cream. It's standard, and it's right there on the menu board all laid out for ya. Just say, "mocha" and you're in there buddy.

The first time someone asked for a "double shot", I replied, do you want me to double the amount of expresso in the drink, or do you want two shots total. It seems most people are scared of four shots. I'm not. Drink it, dude. Stop being a pussy.

I really almost walked out of there today. But, my job was saved because I got this letter from Big Tex. Fucker threw down the gauntlet.

From: Subject: Now it's just you and I coffee boy. Jake and I almost puked on your news of becoming an employee of Starbucks and Phillip/Morris. We were going to challenge you to dick dipping coffee competion. Now Jake has gone and quit the coffee business. So when you bring your ass down here, we'll have to go couple of rounds and you can bring your Starbucks buddies or borrow a couple from the local Starbucks #69 because I'm pretty quick. Really though, congratulations on getting a job to feed one of your many vices. Now you can become a legal drug dealer, too. Remember, that first cup is always free. ===== Jason

Free? Not at our store buddy. No one rides for free at Starbucks. It's either grass, cash or ass when big jonny's on the job.

And fuck the rest of Starbucks local #69, 70 and 71. All I'm bringing is a big stick and a lunch. This is gonna take us all day.

Or, maybe not.

From: Bosco Clontarf Subject: News from the front Dear Jonny, Been meaning to send you some stuff as a webpage rather than an email but what the hell. there's just so much great stuff to share that I think immediacy is better than aesthetics. So let's go to the news. First up: Your blind dates for the night are here to pick up you up (and throw you down). I'm not sure whether you should throw the tranny in D or R. Notice how the laser gaze from Ms. Attitude bores holes in the back of your brain. btw, is that a nail sticking out of her neck? Punk Chicks On Bikes.jpg You say you like to go downhill fast? Ya like lots o' travel and a slack head angle? Well check out how slack the head angle is on this mosheeen! Now let's all try to remember high school physics and think happy thoughts about the poor S.O.B. that got shot off this thing. Slack Head Angle.jpg Jonny, have I got a girl for you! All naked and riding a fixed gear. Want to meet her? Drop by the cemetery, she is probably not with us any more. Look at the bike and realize things haven't changed all that much. Head angle a little shallower than now, seat tube too. But otherwise what else is different? Look at the girl and know that nothing whatsoever has changed. It still feels good to ride a bike. It still feels good to get naked. It's still fun to do both. Carpé Diem my friends. Nude On A Fixed Gear.jpg This one is a classic! You gotta put this someplace special on the site. You know how Hollywood always spins a movie that never lives up to the hype? Well talk about truth in advertising, because (drum roll, please) BUTT BANGED BICYCLE BABES is coming soon to a theater near you. I guess those marketing types just know how to reach their customers. Lucky damned seat post anyway! Butt Banged Bicycle Babes.jpg Here is a whole new collection for the bicycle hotties gallery. I notice that you have cleaned it up a little, so hopefully these will pass the editorial board review and be posted for all to enjoy for perpetuity. Hey, you gotta like her Jonny, she lives in trailer (check out the background). Bike Hotties1.jpg through Bike Hotties15.jpg You know Jonny I am a simple man. I work when I have to. I ride when I can. I eat when I'm hungry. And when I go to sleep all I need is a soft place to lay my head. A very Soft Place.jpg Yours for soft breasts and hardtail steel frames, Bosco

Oh, Bosco, if you had any idea how long that took me to put together. Jeez, all of like 45 minutes of my life, gone, forever. How could you?.

I'm just fucking with ya. I don't know where you come up with this shit, but please keep sending it in.

Have you seen this?

Wednesday, November 14, 2001       ·second edition·

briana   I   monica   I   nikki

I have no content for this update, really. But, as you can see, I'm trying to fill a need. I'm like Batman when Commissioner Gordon dials up on the red phone. It's go time.

From: Tucker Subject: Disappointed in the site today Well J man, First site, as always, that I log onto in the morning is yours. Woke up this morning, happy as a puppy with 2 peters, it's mid week, hump day and to make it that much better there are 4 porn links instead of the daily 3 at the top of your page!! Hoo- ha, UNTIL I OPEN THEM!!!! I'm sorry brotha, but whats with all the fuckin Japanese porn? You ruined my day, one link would have been enough. I check out all the beautiful porn queens throughout the day to keep it bright, well it's safe to say that today is going to be fukd, now. Come on man, don't disappoint the morning crew again, we have faith. Oh, and Casey,....I have a tea bag for ya. Beers, Tucker

OK, I'm doing this for you man. This isn't about me anymore. I don't look at porn for myself, oh no. This is for the people.

I searching for anything at this point, lets see... read this.

From: Tom Subject: Interesting Shit hey too tall frappy boy! dont worry, youll be the regulars fave seein as they wont have to kneel to suck you off. bonus points if you can style their hair before ya blow yer wad. seriously, dont worry pal. if thats the worst thing that ya have to deal with this year yer golden. check this shit out. one of my buddies/customers sent me this. if its true, fuckin a! if not, its still pretty wild. At a UNC lecture the other day they played an old video of Lt. Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration. There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree. But what he said was stunning!! He was being drilled by some senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?" Ollie replied, "Yes I did sir." The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't this just a little excessive?" "No sir," continued Ollie. "No? And why not?" the senator asked. "Because the lives of my family and I were threatened sir." "Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned. "By a terrorist, sir." Ollie answered. "Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?" "His name is Osama bin Laden sir." Ollie replied. At this point the senator tried to repeat the name, but couldn't pronounce it, which most people back then probably couldn't. A couple of people laughed at the attempt. Then the senator continued. "Why are you so afraid of this man?" the senator asked. "Because sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of," Ollie answered. "And what do you recommend we do about him?" asked the senator. "Well sir, if it were up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth." The senator disagreed with this approach and that was all that was shown of the clip.

Man, that is great. I know I had never heard of Osama bin Laden before the 11th. I don't know if many of us had. But now, he's public enemy numder one.

If thought that letter was good what till you what I have for you later.

Wednesday, November 14, 2001

hi   I   how   I   are   I   you?

Another day, another dollar. Right?

From: Hamish Subject: You are the coolest guy on the internet Sorry to hear about you workin in starbucks, i hate those multi national ass picks. what you got to do is just spit in the cuppachinno's, it still looks like the froth, heh heh. Just try and liven work up by doing some stupid shit, make it fun and still get paid for it! Once at work i had to clear out all these cardboard boxes out the store room, so i decided to make a robot suit and did all the stuff in that. Yeah that was kind of crappy but hey it was fun. Any way starbucks can go bollocks, and remeber every once in a while life goes the other way so don't get too hung up on all the shit happening at the moment, it will get better. Once again your site is the best keep it up. cheers, Hamish

Man, you don't know how much better that makes me feel. Maybe later today I'll make a robot suit and start attacking Starbucks customers. I could scream, "Exterminate! Exterminate!" while swinging wildly at the startled crowd with a mop, broom handle, or something else that would hurt. It'll be great.

And, who knew that I was the coolest guy on the internet?

So, I know this guy who used to work for GT. I asked him what he was doing for work these days, since, well, you know. Besides the nailing hot tail and visting his brother(s) in jail stuff. That's all par for the course.

From: Jason Subject: RE: Missing Schwinn/GT shit You won't believe it any more than I can believe you work at Starbucks. I am a loan officer at a mortgage broker. I have to wear a tie every fucking day. When I went in to interview I put on my (one) suit for the first time since I interviewed with GT six years ago. There were still notecards from a speech from college in the pocket(about legalization of pot). QBP was hiring, but it didn't pay very well so I sold out to the almighty dollar. It is actually not a bad gig, just a different world than what I was used to. later Jason What happened to the pictures Kyle took on Ragbrai? There was one in particular of us with a bunch of cheerleaders that I really wanted to see. Jason

I don't know what's better, the part about wearing your (one) suit, or the pro-pot speech notes in your pocket. Good stuff. But, I guess your speech wasn't much of a barn burner, 'cause last time I checked it was still illegal.

I have no idea about any pictures Kyle may have. You'd have to ask him, and in a way, you are right now.

So, what's up Kyle, you holding out on us?

Wild Bill sent this crazy link in. And, I sure am glad that he did. I just wasted the last half an hour looking a pics of huge boobs. This is the rest of the site, some videos, songs and girls faking orgasms.

Wow. Can you guess how many donuts Ron Jeremy can fit on his penis?

Oh, you are gonna like this one. Thanks to Scott, who called this news I can use.

From: casey Subject: sellout? no way, more like HERO! you know what, big man? i think it's great that you're working at Starfuck's. I'm going to tell you why. Here's the deal: Moscow's a small little burough, right? with the addition of a Starbuck's to this quaint little village, there's sure to be other corporate monsters to follow. Target, Home Depot, Mobil On the Run, who knows? Maybe even Supergo. That would be great, right? This cute city will flourish into a seething, bubbly, happy-ass huge metropolitan Mecca of sorts. You'll be sitting on prime real estate, the economy will be through the roof, and there at the heart of it all: BIG FUCKIN' JONNY and his PABST BLUE RIBBON, goddamn!!! That's not the best part though. As this dramatic metamorphosis unfolds, some areas may start to decay slightly, or even drastically. Now both you and I, of various metro origins, know what is surely to follow: Ghettos! Your big, black asswill have a nice ghetto in which to run and play. Yea, ghettos!!! And the coup-de-grass: every respectable ghetto from coast to coast, Canada to Mexico, bears the fruit of any urban development: HOOKERS!!! FUCK YES, MAN, HOOKERS!!! All the men of Moscow will be able to simply purchase their double faggot vento chino, walk around to the alley, have the skanky cum dumpster of their choice suck 'em off, and get back to milking the goats in no time. SWEEEEEEEEET ASS SWEET! Give all this a couple of years to catalyze. I'll be right up! p.s. In mine, could you leave room for cream?

You get the cafe especial, my friend. I'm going to dip my balls in there for ya and risk third degree burns. Because big jonny knows coffee.

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

chloe jones   I   nichole   I   mickey

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I don't know how much more of this shit I can take.

Man, I'm pissed. I just went out for a plate of hot wings and a tall glass of Busch Light. All for the low, low price of $3.25, American. Not bad, not bad at all.

What do I hear as I'm scarfing down my plate of fat laden greatness? Well, I hear about another plane crash in New York. Great. Just lovely. Now I'm all twisted up inside. At least I'm not reading about any more shark attacks.

What else do I have to talk about, let's see. Oh yeah, I started a new job today. Guess where fat ass works now?

Starbucks coffee. I got my green apron and everything. I wonder how long it's been since I had to tuck in my shirt for a job? Maybe, like, I've never had to do that.

Line up that corporate dick, I'm in a chugging mood. I'm a sell out. How would you like that chocolate raspberry no-fat venti grande fuckstick frappacino, Miss? Lame, or totally lame?

Service with a smile.

Jesus, I can't even stand myself. It's a good thing I don't have a gas oven. 'Cause if I did, my head would be inside it right now. And, I'm not talking about fixing the pilot light.

I'm rolling down Rodeo with a shotgun...

Here is something I can only call porn star pussy. And this is something I can only call a hot girl. You down with the ghetto booty?

Did I link this already? How about this? I just can't remember sometimes.

This makes me feel better.

From: Alan Subject: Colnago gone single speed Big Jonny, Thanks for the stickers. I converted my circa 1980 Colnago into a singlespeed. I love it. Thanks for a great site. Fuck the SUVs. If people rode their bikes to work or shopping we'd have less pollution and a healthier populace. The stickers now are on the Colnago. My next project is to go fixed. Thanks man Alan

Right on, man. Right on.

Here is a new gallery. Good night.

Monday, November 12, 2001

chloe   I   angel   I   jenna links out the ass

How hot is Jenna Jameson? You decide.

You can even read her bio, if you want to. I did. Here's more bio type shit.

Why are girls with blue hair so fucking hot? And hot chicks with cowboy hats and saddles. Forget about it.

Hot chick with a bicycle click here

As you can plainly see, I'm stuck on a hot naked girl thing tonight. It must have been that phone call from Hyun.

I want her to take pictures of herself in a plaid skirt, starched white shirt, knee high socks and pigtails. The whole Asian Catholic School Girl (ACSG) thing is fucking hotter than July. A cool-aid mustache would be a nice touch. I don't think she's going for it.

Damn.

From: ta Subject: RE: fire fighters Hi Big Johnny - Here's the info I have, plus a link to the firefighters' site. http://www.fdnythankyouamericatour.com/index.html Thanks for your interest!

Tom, thanks for sending that in. There you have it boys, the whole itinerary. These guys are going right through Tempe, AZ. Mother fucker, I'm in Idaho. Someone get out there for me, OK?

Alright, enough is enough. I have to go out and have a beer now or my head is going to fucking explode. And I'd rather that didn't happen again. Twice is once too much.

I'll be back later, with stories of my first day at the new job.

Sunday, November 11, 2001

delilah   I   tabitha   I   sydney   I   more ragbrai pics

Where does it start? Where does it end? I don't know. And, maybe it's the not knowing part that makes it all so fun.

I've gotten a few letters already about the New York Fire Fighters cycling across the country. Read on.

From: mark Subject: firefighters ride dude- i just emailed cannondale to see if they had a route/time schedule for the firefighters ride! your idea was brilliant. i will pull these guys all day! they won't see the wind as long as i'm with them! i'll let you know what i find out! mark columbia, sc

I look forward to seeing that route map. I figure they won't come anywhere near northern Idaho (who would?) But, I'll post whatever I can get my hands on, so some of you can get out and show these guys some support. I'd say there is a pretty good chance of these guys going right through Phoenix, Arizona.

From: response Subject: fire fighters More importantly, when their long ride is done, I would like to be there to offer them some goddamn porn. speaking of which, have you ever wondered how these guys get all of these wonderful porn shots?? Well, I just got back from Mexico, and I'll tell you, I got pictures of me doing lines off of this chicks tits and its ALL about MONEY ALCOHOL AND DRUGS. You are officially invited to next years fiasco, all expenses paid. You are a freak. Best regards, Response

OK, that last one wasn't so much about the fire fighters. But it was entertaining.

I am so freaking sick and tired of Sara Jane Olson. The stupid bitch. She is on trail out in Los Angeles, (the city of angels my ass) for conspiring to blow up a cop car or two back in the seventies. With the police officer still inside the car. This is back when her name was Kathleen Soliah. She's been living in Minnesota for the last twenty years and now it's time to pay the piper.

This idiot can't figure out if she's guilty, innocent, taking a reduced sentence for a guilty plea, or fighting the charges. Fucking shows you the intelligence, or lack thereof, and mentality of these shithead 70's radicals.

If you take out a cop, and elevate yourself to "cop killer" status, you are going to be hunted down. Forever. You will be found. Sooner or later. Buy the ticket, take the ride. You fucking pussy. Don't expect anything other than death for your actions.

You want to change the world through violence? Huh, you big dummy? Let me tell you this: It doesn't work that way. How much of a total asshole do you have to be when blowing up a cop car makes one bit of sense? You want to make things better, go out there and do something positive. Sitting around with your idiot friend plotting to blow things up, smoking dope and telling yourselves it really matters doesn't do anybody any good at all. Look what it got you. You're going to jail. I only wish they'd let me in there so I could poke you with a stick through the bars of your cell. Jab, jab, how's that feel, bitch? Doink, doink, who's the tough guy now?

Did you read about Subash Gurung? He made it all the way through airport security at Chicago's O'Hare with several knives, a can of pepper spray and a fucking stun gun. All this after two pocket knives were found and seized. Are you fucking kidding me?

Simple logic would dictate once a weapon is found the subsequent search would be thorough enough to ferret out any additional items. This asshole made it through with a fucking arsenal. And, seriously, in this day and age, if you try to board a plane with a weapon, I do think that maybe you should be questioned, detained, what have you for a good bit of time. I don't think you should be allowed to make your flight. I mean, you pretty much should be kept off a plane for awhile, don't ya think?

And our government, mine and yours, cannot figure out how to behave like adults and fix this mess. I don't think I see myself flying anytime soon.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Fuck the Saudi's and their oil.

Ride your bike. Walk. Take the bus. Buy fuel efficient cars. Reduce consumption. Fuck you and you're gas guzzling SUV. Raise the price of gasoline. How much more of this evil must we tolerate?

If you just can't deal with a big old back pack, these boys at xtracycle got it figured out for ya. How about a kick ass messenger bag from the fine folks at Timbuk 2?

It's time to realize the next chapter. This cannot go on forever. Let's change it. If not now, when?

Alright, fuck this. The Eagles are up 7 - zip on Minnesota and I need to go ride. Yep, today is the first day of "training". My target: one hour on the fixed gear. Hey, I've got to start somewhere, haven't I?

Saturday, November 10, 2001

xxxena   I   shay   I   spanish salsa

When I read about the fire fighters who are going to ride across the country, I almost wept. Even now, as I type this, my throat swells up with a feeling that can only be described as pride. These guys are fucking heroes.

You'll have to scroll down for the right article, click here. It starts tomorrow, on the 11th.

My first desire is that I could ride with these men. Breaking the wind. I would kill myself to get one of these guys a water bottle or a rain coat. I ask you, who among you out there wouldn't?

I don't know where these guys are going to be and when, but I ask you, no, I implore you to go out and show your support. If you ride a bike, this is a golden opportunity to give these boys an armchair ride.

If anyone out there has some additional information on this, please email me.

Friday, November 9, 2001

chloe   I   harmony   I   chrissy

I was reading about these trips across the pond where you can watch the spring classics up front and in person. You can even ride your bike on some of the fabled cobbles. I want to go. Anyone want to sponsor a drunkcyclist invasion this spring? Anyone?

I was asked today, did you read this yet? I guess some employees made up their own severance package. That last line was far to good to be mine. Thanks to either Dru or Kyle, whoever sent that in. Good shit. I guess someone wasn't satisfied with just taking the fucking fax machine, huh?

From: JR Subject: great site Hey, fun site - here is a pic to add to your bike bin. more are located here. I used to bike - had a 23" Paris Sport with Nervex scallopped lugs w/Reynolds 531 DB and 60's gold plated Simplex derailleurs. GAve it to my friend who loves bikes as much as you. Am moving near to Flagstaff for next 6 mo. - a place called Polacca - 1.5 hrs NW beyond Leupp. Know it? Know good spots to eat in Flag? JR

Since I figure everyone wants to know what I told this guy, here are my recommendations.

Mexican food = Katchina Kitchen

Pizza = Alpine Pizza

American Grub Fest = Beaver Street Brewery, Charleys bar (and the adjoining restaurant is good too)

And I forgot to tell him about Mountain Oasis, and The Place (Mike and Rhonda's). That's damn good eatin'.

Coffee = go to a place called, late for the train. There is two of them and they're both good. Drop my name, big jonny, and the website, there is a pretty good chance someone who knows me will be working there when you stop by. They can tell you how much of an asshole I am. It'll be fun for them.

bike shops = check out Singletrack, Cosmic and Signagua (spelling on that last one???) and again, drop my name and watch the fire works go off. I used to work at Singletrack.

You're going to be way the fuck out there, but it'll be fun. Cold for awhile, but I'd trade Idaho with ya in a hot fucking minute. Have fun up there.

From: northwave Subject: Like to do a little bit of work for chariteee (mate) Evening squire, Right every year I decide that a worthy cause has to be found to whom to donate a size proportion of my not very large income. This is because I refuse to give money to the crack addicts that beg on the streets, as that is not really solving anything (in my opinion). Usually I like to partake in a little bit of sport to achieve this goal so in previous years I have take part in rock climbing marathons that have seen teams climb the equivalent of Everest in 12 hours and have ridden my bikes in the name of the needy. Given all the events of this year and what is happening now to those in Afghanistan, I think that this year a very worthy cause needs to be identified... so here it is: www.p4p.org I have not seen anything else this year that has come close to offering so many people so much. These guys are doing a grand job. Check it out, readers of a site like yours are probably amongst those most able to help. Cheers. Cold in Idaho? It's so cold here that tonight I went snowboarding on real snow in November. Nice. northwave

You had me at "squire".

Seriously, I think 'ol northwave may be on to something. Many of the guys and girls who read this site are in a position to help. It's up to ya'll to make a difference. I know you'll do the right thing.

I can remember what it was like to get my first bicycle. And I also still have the scars from the first crash without training wheels. Good times.

The feeling never really changes, does it? The last bike I put together gave me the same butterflies in my stomach, the wonder and joy of a new bike. Bottle that and sell it. Fuck, give it away for free.

Thursday, November 8, 2001

april   I   natasha   I   aimee sweet

Remeber that girl, Briana Banks I linked a few days ago? Well, here she is again. Man, thats nice.

Got a new joke today. Hey, I laughed. Don't forget to check out the new Captain America pic. I don't change it every day, just whenever I archive a whole page.

From: Bart Subject: Krispy Kreme Donuts Jonny, I don't know if you have Krispy Kreme Donuts in Idaho or Arizona but we got 'em in Iowa. Love those calendar girls! The calendar reminds me of a situation involving Ralph and I a few years ago. We were at the airport picking up a Japanese student who was attending Iowa State (Moo U) that Fall. The first place we took Masa was the shakers bar. In the midst of Masa's lap dance I hear the words "Ahhhhhhhhhhh paradise," set this to your interpretation of a movie glorified Japanese accent. Later in the evening we bought Masa a motorboat from a 300lb sweetie, 30 seconds later we hear, "I can't breath!" Please use the same accent.

Fuck, when did you send that letter, last Friday? I think I've got that same calender about 17 fucking times already. Man, I am a lazy piece of shit. Really. I know I wrote back and told you to pass on a belated happy birthday to 'ol Ralphy. But, I should really do it like this.

There, that's how you do it proper. Like a fucking Viking.

From: Michael Subject: ridephat Love the site! Returning the favor. Here's a new site a friend started.... ride phat. You may find it entertaining.

I find it more that entertaining. I find it absolutely fascinating. That guy rules. I tell ya, it's like we were separated at birth. Buy he got all the good looks, and I'm saddled with the fucking porn addiction. I don't know who got the best end of that one.

Wednesday was my second night in the gym as I took off Tuesday to concentrate on breaking my penis to hard core porn. It didn't work. So, now I've become a gym regular. Yup, it only takes two, count 'em, two, visits to become a total fucking idiot. Now all my friends make fun of me. Don't believe me? Read this:

From: casey Subject: gay deer don't pump iron How the fuck can a big gay deer lift weights? they don't have opposable thumbs, or whatever. they are cloven beasts, who on a good day can sneak up on a wasted-ass hunter (thanks to safety orange) and slip that skinny little deer prick in his unsuspecting wasted ass. you could then brag to all of the other gay deer about how earlier today you nailed a four-point (get it, hands and knees). lift this, gay deer: i'm gonna go get drunk and make fun of people who lift weights. I love you, big gay man, er, uh, deer. PBR up the ass of many. Go baseball! Cute helmets!

Jesus, I can't imagine what the sick fuck is going to do to me with his new found skills in Flash animation. It is going to suck.

You are gonna love this. Trust me.

More mail from Casey. Fuck, I need to just start putting these on their own page. They are that good.

From: casey Subject: the five minute wreck ouch. it hurts so bad. in the wrist, there is a slow thumping sensation, like blood pumping super slow through your hand, due to it being clamped in a vice. in the shoulder it's real sharp-like, maybe similar to having it tapped with a cold punch and ball-pein hammer. and the knee, it just fucking burns. lack of skin, i guess. the first minute, you realize your front wheel is stuck on a rock the size of big momma's left tit. the second minute, like a total rookie, you grab a handful of front brake because you're so goddam tired you can't think of anything else to do. this is when "south of heaven" by slayer starts playing in your head. the third minute you tried to clip out of your gay SPD's, but couldn't. the fourth minute you take the slow, but sraight path directly to the hurt locker to hang up your helmet on a nice sharp rock: same size, but DEFINATELY not as soft as J-lo's ass. minute five: fuck. ouch. pabst? fuck. it actually took about .00009 seconds, but if you've been there, and YOU HAVE gay deer, you know what i mean. I know i've said it before, but this time it's never been so right-on: PBR up my ass.

Here are some more pics for you to look at. I'm calling it a night. Fuck Bin Laden.

  

Wednesday, November 7, 2001

sandy   I   briana   I   sydney

Since I kinda owe 'ol Jim one for his liberal use of my source code, I'm going to pay him back by posting a bunch of his images from the Scary Secret Halloween Party. From his server. Ha!

It's not as sinister as you'd think. In fast, it's frighteningly easy. Here they are.

I missed that party, because I live in Bum Fuck Idaho. Don't worry, I had my own fun. Who needs you guys. I've got this chair, and this tennis racket...

Seriously, check out his site, flight of the pigs. What it lacks in glitz, glamour, and, well, porn, it makes up for in other areas. The fact that I'm going to miss his namesake, flight of the pigs ride/event/beer festival, is pissing me off to no end. God Damn, that sounds like a good time. This guy is the real deal. Just line up next to him once in the start gate, and you'll never look at sheep the same again. I know I didn't.

Who knew you could fuck what some people consider food?

OK, I've been waiting for this for a few days. A guy named response sent these vids in, so blame him. If you are pregnant, nursing, or have a heart condition, go back to Jim's site immediately, and stay there.

For the brave out there, here we go. First up watch as a Huge black cock, gets stuffed in a little white girl. Really.

And then, well, this takes the cake. The sickest ever. Period. I can't even fucking tell you how wrong this is. See for yourself.

Remember this? Well, now you can see the whole mother fucking thing (except the money shot) on video, care of one Jay Stile. Click on brothers, gt1.wmv   gt2.wmv   gt3.wmv. I'd go with the "save as" option on those bad boys.

Tuesday, November 6, 2001

julia ann   I   huge boobs   I   huge boobs

From: DH Subject: No Subject Ahwwwwwww, Isn't that cute. The big fuck is finally getting comfy out in the woods of Idaho. Nice. Hey bud. Did you know that your name is Drunk CYCLIST. Does that last word ring any familiar thoughts in your grape? All the fodder you provides revolves around PBR and beating your kid brother as of late.. Whas up wit dat. DH

I love you too. It's like this. Since my triumphant return to the northland, I haven't been riding. Just to work, the bar, the store, etc. No training whatsoever. And, it's been grand. All of that changed Monday night.

I started in at the gym. Yeah, that's right, everybody's favorite fat ass is the guy doing bench presses with just the bar. No weights on it at all. Pretty much the same story for every machine and exercise. As little weight as possible and high reps. I was doing the 'ol circuit, I was. All the leg bullshit (I can't even remember what you call half of this stuff) a little upper body nonsense, crunches, lower back extension stuff. There was about seven or eight machines I was hitting up. And, the super high quality exercise bike to start and end the madness. Good times.

It's time. Time to start hitting the weight pile. Yup, I'm goin huge. Yeah right. I just need something to do, and if it burns off some more of my generous ass and midsection, what a plus.

I think I'm going to start in on the fixed gear nest week of so. Easy, like five or six hours total for the whole week. You guys all know the drill, and boy is it fun.

I'm full of it, I'm stoked to start riding in earnest again. I really want to see how far I can take this thing this year. It's my year.

And since when did you have a problem with tossing off to porn and getting loaded? Huh? Who taught you how to read? C'mon, out with it. Get yer ass back in that kitchen, Davey, before I open a can of whoop ass on ya.

Here is more porn for everyone but davey.

And this is a "beer email" if I ever saw one. Good looking out Chris.

From: Chirs Subject: No Subject WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GETTIN DRUNK ON MONDAY.. i JUST GOT BACK FROM WINGS AND BEER, AND IT'S MONDAY. YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE. MAYBE WE CAN GET BLASTED WEDNESDAY.. FRIDAYS BEST THOUGH. I JUST REALIZED THAT I LEFT THE CAPS LOCK ON. WHOOPS.

I don't know about Wednesday yet, because I'll be in the gym. You know, pumping iron. Looking good, feeling good.

But Friday. Oh yeah. Look the fuck out. I'm on a law student schedule now. Come midnight, I won't know my own name. You down?

From: Wally Subject: the big one Here it comes and away they go! Click here boom Wally P.S. A little more to read..............then BOOM Here is a little info I found on the 15,000 lb bomb. It is generally a thermobaric, or fuel-air bomb, with an initial small blast used to distribute the fuel and an ignitor to set of the huge secondary explosion. It turns out Daisy Cutter is a term used for a 4 foot long detonator that detonates the bomb a few feet off the ground to level jungle growth and clear a landing zone for aircraft. It generates an overpressure of 1000 psi for miles, very similar to a Nuclear blast.

You can read more about that big fucking bomb the fun things you can do with it over here if you have any questions.

One final note before I end this nightmare. Something is up with my local ISP. I don't know what, but every email I've tried to send tonight had not gone through. So, to all of you who have been writing in and such, I got all of it and I'll be writing back as soon as this hunk of shit gets rolling again. Fair enough?

Monday, November 5, 2001

lyn   I   nudes   I   porn star

If you want to see some great wallpaper of the twin towers, click here. One more over here. Fuck, I can't really do this anymore. Seriously. This fucking sucks. What a fucking waste.

If you want, here is the rest.

It's not often I have to get up from the computer and go find a beer. Those pitures shook me up, man. No shit. Good old Keystone Light. Easy on the wallet and the waist line. Or, in my case: easy on the ass.

Um, boys, thats jenna jameson. Thats all I gotta say about that.

Some new jokes and a sorta new gallery. Enjoy.

Sunday, November 4, 2001

hotty   I   kitana jade   I   hotty

Sorry about the site being down and all that shit the last few days. The fine folks at sitelink have been busting ass trying to make all this the best it can be. If you need webhosting, go no further than sitelink. Just tell them big jonny sent ya, so they know what kind of shit to expect. I think they're doing a great job, even thought the down time really affected some of you.

From: Cari Subject: where is your frickin web site?? Hey Jon, Ummm, I am here in the public library trying to get on to your site (I have to do this cautiously) and your fricken site is not available!!! What is up? I have planned my steps carefully all day long so not to attract any "authoritative personel" and what do I get?? NOTHING!! A big fat WE CANNOT FIND "drunkcyclist.com". You have made me an addict and now you are not supplying, man. At least send me a brief synopsis of the past two days. Yours faithfully, cari PS...please be kind to my boyfriend, he IS much younger than you.

I'll be nice. Watch this, hey Chris, want to go get drunk Monday night?

And here is some kick ass wallpaper to make up for it. I like the manga myself.

Holy shit, it's Bucks County. That's where I'm from, dum diddy dum dum.

It's Sunday, so it's time I start linking a ton of porn for all you sick fucks out there. I can't very well let you down, can I?

Talk about trailer park trash. Thats the type of girl Slim Shady raps about. And, then you got this. I've got nothing to add to the conversation.

Do you want to bang Brittany Andrews? Christ Almighty, would ya take a look at her.

I think today, maybe I'll go get my car washed. Looks like a good time, and the car could use the attention. And, then maybe I'll go out and ride my bike. That would be fun.

I love lesbians.

OK, lets just run the rest of these like this...

The other day at work I made some stickers for one of my coworkers. Nothing all that fancy, really. I just wrote on a price tag with a marker. One said. "I love porn." And the other "Jesus hates you".

She wore them on her chest around the bookstore for a few hours. Did I mention we work retail? I thought it was the best thing ever. Just spreading the joy.

Later that same day, I was out back breaking down card board boxes for the recycling bin. It's a job no one seemed to like back at the salt mine, but here in Idaho, shit man, we love recycling. We recycle fucking everything. Pretty cool, really.

Anyway, the Post Office is right next door, we share the same loading dock. I'm cutting up boxes, and this guy from the post office comes outside. Lucky bastard, his day is done and he's going home. He asks me, "Hey, is that your bike out there?"

"Sure is." I say.

"Is that a freewheel, or is that thing fixed?" quires the post master general.

"It's a fixed gear." I tell him, and I'm impressed. I've seen exactly one other fixey up here. Most of the locals are into hunting, fishing, four by four trucks and burning crosses. In that order.

"Is it a pretty high gear then, like a track bike?"

I can't believe this is happening, I tell myself. This guy knows what a track bike is, way the fuck out here in the sticks. And gear ratios? What a God send.

We chatted a bit, and I went back inside just a little bit more content with the town of Moscow, Idaho.

This I like. And, Sunny Leone too.

I sent a letter to the D.A.R.E program website, and this is a copy. You think it'll help change anything?

Look, why don't we just stop being idiots here for a few minutes. You are never going to stop drug use and abuse in this country with the threat of jail time. I'm just like most of America, my drugs of choice are alcohol and caffeine. And, just like the majority of people in my 30-35 age group I've had some fun in the past, and I sum it up as "back in my college days." And, I have seen what three years of heroin addiction has done to a friend of 15 years. I've been around the block a few times, and I don't like what I see. You guys need to seriously reevaluate what you're doing and why. I am all for educating the youth of our country about the true evil that is drug addiction. I support treatment programs for those that are already addicted. I support things like clean needles to help slow the spread of AIDS. Let's make a break here and now from the way things are. Let us take a long serious look at the legalization of drugs in this country. If tobacco and alcohol can be manufactured and sold in this country, why not other drugs? I believe it is a real opportunity to take the money made in drug trafficking and turn it into state revenue. Sell it and tax it just like a pack of cigarettes. I'm serious. You want to take the money away for terrorists? That is what you said in a recent article, posted right here on your website, isn't it? Take the business away from them once and for all. No market, no money. It's that simple. Think about it.

My dick is hard enough to dent a car right now. Why? Because I've been looking at this. I don't think it gets any sexier than that. These two are even cycling enthusiasts. Really, I think so.

This thing kicks ass on a Saturday afternoon.

Friday, November 2, 2001

wallpaper   I   donita   I   blonde

I wonder if this girl is a stripper or what? Hotter than July. And, there is a lot more of her here, and over here. This is just so damn dirty.

This is her website. Fuck, so much for the whole girl next door theory, huh? $24.95 a month! Are you fucking kidding me? Girlfriend, you had better be up to some hard core shit for that kind of money.

I found this at fark.com, "CNN's List of confiscated/found weapons from various airports. Check out Dallas and Atlanta..." Yeah, fucking whatever. Check out Phoenix. You gotta see these pics from a booblantern contest. And, I like this guys style.

Thanks to Scott sending the link, I have this to show you. Best part about it? It's just about the way it really is.

The mail today was heavy, baby, real heavy. Here are some highlights.

From: BART Subject: Something from the bike gods Jonny, these appeared on my email during a bout with boredom at work. I thanked the goddess you sent them to me profusely for relief from the drudgery of work. BART

Right on, nice pics. I hear you one the "drudgery of work" thing, man, I really hear you on that one. That last pic wasn't one of yours, but fuck it, I figured I'd just post it too. I don't remember who sent it in, or when for that matter. But I do know its funny. Best part about it? It's just about the way it really is.

Just to give you an idea of what I come home to, check out this motley collection of mail. I'm also including the time of delivery, something I don't usually bother with, just to show the progression. Some came with pictures. I just stuck those at the end of the message. Enjoy.

Time 7:15 am From: Casey Subject: willie Hey big gay deer, went and saw willie nelson last night. holding back tears most of the time. holding back tears this morning, the way my head feels. fuck. go see this guy some time. you are the coolest european gay man i've ever met. as yard sale once said, "@#$%afsjdkl"

Time 8:31 am From: Casey Subject: cheer up gay deer fuck, man, i like the part about the fenders, the knit cap, gloves--hardcore. out there like it's a spring classic. Maybe to make it feel more European you could bolt some cleats to the bottom of your huraches, take some vino along and whistle "Flight of the Valkyres". Shit yeah. Another fun thing to do while pretending to be European is fluff yourself up a little before you slip on the ol cycling shorts. Those Euro's always seem to be packing massive sausages. Put a handful of pea gravel in your jersey pocket if the cans of PBR left enough room, and you have shit to throw at signs, cars, gay deer, whatever. Fuckin-a awesome, riding in the rain sure sounds nice right now. I'm gonna go see Willie Nelson tonight and pretend like I'm sober. That will be pretty hard. I hope to wake up in a gutter, preferably on my side so i don't choke on my vomit. I'm not very famous, so choking on vomit is not a feasible means of death. PBR up my ass, motherfucker.

Time 9:35 am From: Casey Subject: a post script op your ass if this don't make you love america, you can kiss my lilly white ass.

I don't even have to mention that the time line makes no sense at all. But, I understand the man perfectly. And, he is the fucking man. You had better recognize.

I'm pretty bummed I missed out on the Wilcox Halloween party. Fuck, that must have been fun. What to read more about itand see some pictures from racing in Mexico? I know I do.

From: Gnome Subject: Mexico YO, ME and Case the Head Trip made it home from the Haloween party around 3 am. Big Jason from Titus cruzed with us and enjoyed the antics. Antics I tell you. Casey is not good for me. I got home and in the morning I had(still have)a nice little gash on my chin and some scraped knuckles. Yep, I drilled my face into the pavement while running into Casey. C-man called me the nexted day to ask how, and then thank me for getting him home safely(all things relative). He didn't remember a thing, leaving his bike on the lawn and his bag at the door. He woke the next morning to see an empty bottle of Sour Pucker in his bottle cage. Fun eh? And here are some unrelated pics from Mexico- Vuelta A Sinaloa: A few El Debate newspaper pics of the gringos, some road hazards, policia and the dead guy at the bank. We were trying to cash out the prize money in Mazatlan and here this guy just croaked while making a deposit or something. It only added to the wierdness of the trip. Hey, How's IdaHo? Still FUn? Hee Hee Hee

Thursday, November 1, 2001

sydney   I   office girls   I   kitana jade   I   busty

God damn it, brothers, can I get a witness? God Bless America.

And I just don't know what else to say, beside Briana Banks is one hot piece of ass. Ya hear me?

I had this phone call today. I girl I know. I asked her how she liked my little Halloween thing with the dancing ghosts. She said it was cool but, "Who was that guy?"

"Ron Jeremy.", I say.

"Oh, I didn't recognize his face!"

Yes indeed, the Hedgehog, the Clown Prince of Porn, Mr. Hairy Fat Back Foulness: Ron Jeremy.

Fuck, maybe he should run for president.

I might just vote for him. Why not? It can't possibly be worse that what we got now.

I want to take the time to say goodbye to my friend Cari. She's leaving this wonderful area to go down south to California and work for a well known hub and headset manufacturer. I don't know if I should say more about it, but the company is the king at what they do and the man at the helm is named Chris. I wish you the best of luck with your new job, and I look forward to your emails.

And, you know I'm on a mission to ass bang your boyfriend. Just so you know, I'm figuring he's my fair game right about now.

It's getting cold up here, I need a winter snuggle bunny. I need him.

Fuck, I have a ton of new pics to post, but It's late and I'm drunk. What else it new, right? Tomorrow, tomorrow. I'll have it all tomorrow, just let me sleep.