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This page is all about bikes, boobs and beers. If you don't like it, you can go to hell.

  Thursday, May 31, 2001
For more hot chicks on bicycles, click here. I'm pretty sure my tool box is bigger than her's. Thanks to Jim for those. Keep 'em coming, so to speak.

From: Graphics Division
Subject: cannondales
big john,
fyi, if those cannondales were being unloaded on cherry street in flag i think they were going to my buddy who was getting extra cash to put them together for a touring/adventure company. they weren't for sale though, for whatever that's worth. i like the site but i would like to see porn with a chick using dildo for seatpost. if you find good photos i would be glad to photoshop together for you. or better yet do a search for models willing to pose.

Good to know, I'm sure some of the fine folks in Flagstaff might be glad to hear about that. Thank you. Click here for your gift.

Saw a little something on T.V. tonight about the U.S. bases squad, Mercury. It sucked.

I know it would be nice to have a couple of American teams mixing it up in the Tour de France. I know that. But, you know what? To gamble everything on the Tour is one fucking dumb ass idea.

Does anyone with half a brain really think Mercury would have made any difference at all in the Tour? C'mon. They got nothing. Sure, they pile up the wins on this side of the pond. But it's a different planet over there. I'm sick and tired of hearing about Chris Horner and how, "he knows what it takes to win in Europe." Oh, yeah? Then why isn't he over there winning?

The French fucked up this year. I think they showed a lot of balls not inviting certain teams, or more directly certain riders. The Tour without Super Mario is a fucking joke. They guy is always good for a couple of wins in the first week. You cannot exclude a favorite, and call it a representation of the worlds best cyclist.

Same thing for Pantani. I waited all fucking year to see that freak eared little bastard blow Lance Armstrong and everyone else off his wheel in the high mountains. Everyone knows that guy is going to go big. Real big. And now it won't happen. I look to see him go completely bananas in about 24 hours in the Giro.

It's like this: Pantani would not win. Not again, not with Ullrich and Armstrong healthy and able to put minutes into him in the time trails. But, the road to victory has to go through him. There isn't anyway around it. Whomever wins would have to deal with the very real threat of Pantani just disappearing up the road anytime he feels like it, pretty much. I'm going to miss that.

And why? Because the French are making a statement, that's why. I don't know if it's right, or if it's wrong. Not yet. But, man it took balls.

For those that don't know, the UCI keeps track of every pro cyclist, his victories, his placing. A win is worth points, and so is a top ten. I don't know how deep it goes, I think it depends on the race. But, every rider get points and every team is also ranked on the strength of it's riders: the total of their points.

This team ranking is the real bitch. The Tour usually takes the top ten teams, and then a hand full of "wild card" selections to round it out. Not this year. Both Cipollini's and Pantani's team were in the top ten, and they ain't goin'. Bullshit, isn't it?

Now Mercury, they were going for the wild card spot. And they had a strong spring campaign to help bolster their image. But, in the end, the Tour organizers opted to invite a bunch of domestic (to the French, anyway) teams. It's their race, I guess they can do what they want with it.

But the problem really is that the entire system is put into question. In the big picture, some interesting points are brought up. For example, a rider with a strong UCI at the end of the season can ask for a raise, of shop his talent elsewhere and maybe some other team would pay more. And, not only does a higher ranked rider bring with him the promise of victories, his points raise the overall worth, or ranking of the team. Higher ranking = bigger races = more prize money. Part of what Mercury did this year is sign some foreign talent with some serious points and wah-la, Mercury is now first division, or top 22 world wide.

Look at where it got them.

Now a rider can say, "Look at my ranking. I climbed 47 places last year to 14th in the world. I'm mister big dick, I deserve more money". And the team can answer, "Why should we pay you any more than we do now? Your points, hell our points haven't done us any good all year. You want to leave, leave. You want more money? Win more races."

So, the UCI will have to rectify the little French problem, won't they?

  Tuesday, May 29, 2001
I seesawed back and forth between driving up north tonight or tomorrow morning about twelve times in the last hour alone. My head hurts, I've been thinking so damn much. What finally kept me here is a fridge topped off with two, count 'em, two six-packs of Fat Tire and Giro coverage on OLN.

God Damm, I'm a pussy.

Now my plan is to get up early and start fucking drivin'. Oh hell, it might work. I'll be very motivated as the forecast for tomorrow is nothing if not grim. Welcome to life in the worlds biggest convection oven.

In other news relating to Flagstaff, Cannondale delivers 32 bikes to a private, noncommercial residence this week. Really. Interesting bike market up there. In Phoenix we have to compete with SuperGo, up there they have to do the same with any asshole with a mailing address and a two car carport. I can't figure out which sucks worse.

There is a direct and totally shitty relationship between getting your website listed on a bunch of search engines and getting a fucking assload of bullshit e-mail. I think I may have to work on changing that. But, alas, it might just cut into my very valuably swilling time.

From: Farnand
Subject: no subject
Giro Coverage
This one goes out to you man!!! I bet those guys are relieved to see a pair after starring at ass all day every day.....Thanks jonny for all the action, keep it up, and GO FORBES!!! Eat some Jelly Belly's for me....

Fuck, I just can't believe that's real. I have no idea how that could be faked, because my PhotoShop skills are fucking sloppy as shit. The thing about that pic that makes me think it's bullshit is that not one of those guys is even looking at the half naked chick that's supposedly right in front of them. C'mon, are you that jaded? Was there twenty completely naked women right up the street, and this girl is just no big deal after that? Is that the deal?

Fucking right on Forbes. That son of a bitch worked me over nine ways till Tuesday so many times this winter he better be kickin' somebody's fucking ass at all these big deal races. I'd like to think I'm not the only person around that can't hold his wheel. OK, I can hold his wheel, like when I'm changing his flat tire. Or, maybe polishing his cassette. Big legged freak. Fucker.

I really hate this shit sometimes. Now I have to archive the bulk of this page and upload three different pages, not just one to complete my update. Fuck man, it just sucks to be me sometimes. Why can't notepad hold more? Why God, why!

If you haven't checked these guys out yet, you should. I called the link "Tahoe Heads" when I posted it originally because, well, I just didn't know what else to fucking call it and it gets the point across nicely. They're in Tahoe aren't they? And hey, any friend of Paul is a friend of mine.

  Sunday, May 27, 2001
I'm so lazy, I'll just go straight to some reader mail. That way I don't have to think at all.

From: Bosco Clontarf
Subject: Lead out man
Linked to your site from Single Speed Outlaw. Nice work on the site. I am impressed with the mission statement... very focused.

Don't know you, but also ride a single speed here in Phoenix. Rode yesterday and fried my brain. I swear if one more person on an airplane politely informs me how it is not so bad here because "We don't have the humidity they have back in [fill in your supposedly nastier because it is sweatier city here], I am going to drag them off the plane and stake them down in the East Economy parking lot. I am just ready to spend much more time in Flagstaff.

Some say the Gian-Matteo Fagnini is the greatest lead out men of all time. Nah, I am attaching a picture of my favorite lead out person. I'd follow her anywhere. It's copyrighted, so post as you see fit. (Which I think means it will up on the site shortly...)

Is this Julio Perez going to catch a break in the Giro? Breaks a chain, crashes and breaks two teeth and then has his team leader lead a group to chase him down in the stage today. Although in fairness, Caucchioli won the stage with a great effort. I think Perez needs a mountain top finish. Damned tough guy though.

Anyway, thanks for the site.

Right on, Sam. And yes, a pic such as that gets posted immediately. That's just the way it is.

If ya'll don't already know about it, this here link to the Outdoor Life Network has schedules of when their damn good coverage of the Giro will be televised in your area. I think I was about the last person on the fucking planet to find out about that. But, I could be wrong.

I'm also working on getting a better message board thing set up. I can't fucking stand pop ups. And I think I'm probably not alone in that feeling. I'll let ya know when it's up and running. Hell, I might even look into getting a chat room set up too. Anyone think they'd use that?

OK, just to show how long it takes my lazy fucking ass to post something new, I now have a new message board. And to think just last night it was only an idea in my pretty little head. I have to go back and change the link in four hundred thousand place now, so fuck, it could be next Thursday before this thing sees the light of day. Click here to see it.

That, and for some stupid reason I stopped linked Diagn a while back. Dumb jonny, real dumb. Well, here he is again folks, have at 'em.

  Sunday, May 27, 2001
You know you've hit the big time when you check your email and discover that you have 132 unread messages. Jesus fucking Christ, that's a lot of mail. I only wish more of it was porn.

From: Dave
Subject: Hi from/in Durango
It's me, straight from the trails in Durango and yes, the hippies smell here too. I've been hitting some kickass trails in the last few days. The Colorado trail and this other one that is so fucking steep I actually think there's a possibility that I could die. No prob though for the little people. In addition to the cool trails I decided to try an experiment; How much beer do I need to drink to have a good race tomorrow? I hit the local bar last night to here some tunes, drink and brush up with the local female population. Well, the little Gnome on my shoulder that guides my was turned evil once again. What started easy turned into a lot and I got home at about 2am. No big until I had to get up at 5am to race from Durango to Silverton. 50 miles with two 10,000 foot passes. I am now confident that Beer is not a sufficient fuel for cycling. I think I was the first to be dropped and, after bonking hard up the first serious climb it then took me no less than an hour to summit the last 4 miles. Ouch! Anyhow, I was hopeless. I got passed by a Tandem, the 3's, the 4's and I think a few 5's and citizens.

Absolutely the slowest I have ever gone. So that was today. Tomorrow I shall attack the cross country race and see what happens, although I think the outcome should prove better for me as it's a better course for the Power Gnome. However, I am a little bummed because the course was redone according to the cries from the World-cup riders that suffer from severe lack of creativity. Fucking androids! I shall let you know... Oh, by the way, Scott Price won the race today and Ned Overend, that guy that's supposed to be retired and getting fat finished 3rd.

I only wish I was there with ya, little fella. As it stands, I am sweating my balls off in Phoenix. Happy, happy, joy, joy, joy.

I cannot wait till this coming weekend. I always seem to feel great the weekend before I race. My legs feel like they're going to explode up every hill. It's like they cannot fail me. Race day, on the other hand, is typically another story altogether.

I generally explode like a churning, twisting, hurtling ball of death and destruction about twelve minutes into the race. I'm like Haley's Comet. Or, perhaps the Challenger disaster. Remember that mess? Look at Jonny go, he's picking up speed, my God he's fucking flying, and then... Boom. Flames, smoke, the stench of burning flesh and it's all over kids, nothing to see here folks. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

How I manage to place ahead of one single person is absolutely amazing to me. I felt like shit for almost the entire race last time, and I actually didn't finish last. Sure I was a good twenty odd minutes behind the winner, but I wasn't last. Amazing.

I think I might need liposuction.

Have ya'll checked out the prison name generator? I think that thing is fucking hilarious. My name is Baby Buns. If you ever saw me, you'd know that what I'm towing around behind me is about the size of Texas. Straight up.

  Saturday, May 26, 2001
My God it's been awhile since I've updates this mother fucker. Forgive me, I've been a very busy boy with all the bike riding and beer drinking going on around here lately. In fact, I may even point the car north bound tonight if I get pissed off enough at this fucking sweaty, hellish furnace of a town.

I went up to the pine trees and slept out under the stars Wednesday this week. Dru, Casey and myself wanted to pre-ride a race course. Never did find the race course, but I pretty much rode myself into the fuckin' dirt anyway. It was outstanding.

A big thanks to "Tex Tallous" for the multiple mugs (fucking buckets, really) of kick ass black lovin'. That's coffee to you regular fellas. I found out that coffee does three things: it makes you sweat, shit, and feel like you are going to heave when you climb.

But I always feel like I'm going to heave when I climb. Sometimes, when I'm really lucky, I get to puke all over the place. Grand times, I tell ya.

I can't seem to find the Caseman Slugster tonight. Son of a bitch, why aren't you tied to a computer like I am? Then I could find your stupid ass and I could go back to Flagstaff. All my gear is in a big pile in the middle of my living room where I left it on Thursday. And it's high time to throw that shit back in the car and bet the hell outta Dodge.

From: Stan
Hey Jonny check it out this cool picture of the proflex. Cool bike, ehh? Yeah the chicks ain't bad either.

I like your taste Stan, good lookin' out. Keep up the good work. I've added that and a few more to my hotties on bikes gallery. I am a great golden God.

  Tuesday, May 22, 2001
Man, I'll tell ya, sometimes I just don't know my ass hole from my elbow. Ask anyone. I think I like Paul Katcher. Funny shit. I like the way he only updates on Sunday. God's day.

Maybe I should do that. Wouldn't that be grand? I could jerk my chicken to porn all week, and then upload the good stuff all at once and be done with it. Most days I can't even figure out what this website is about. Bikes? Boobs? Beers? All three?

Fuck, I dunno. I'm not all that together, I fear. I just want to ride my bikes a little bit, and it's fucking ten million degrees here in Phoenix. Although, I must confess, at 6:15 this morning, it almost felt chilly. Almost.

But, have no fear. By 1:00 this afternoon it was way the fuck up there and it hurt. Opening the door felt like I was getting a pizza out of the oven. Without that annoying wholesome goodness baked right in crap. Just the heat for me, thank you very much, I'm on a diet.

Big Tits     Big Tits     Big Tits     Big Tits

I think I might like cowgirls. Especially if they're sluts.

I don't ever know what to do with all those fucked up galleries. Do I make new ones? Make the existing one's bigger? Fuck it. I guess I figure that one out some other day. Right now I'm just burning time until the Giro coverage comes on at nine. Then it's sofa time for fat ass.

From: Northwave
Subject: Wouldn't touch the bikes but...
Just found your DC pages - Tidy little' site goin' on.
Wouldn't touch the bikes, but the girls are kewl.

Wow. What else can I say about hot ass chicks like that. I'll say it again for effect: wow.

From: Mr. Insensitive
Subject: you, your gay bike, etc.
I am glad to see that not everyone who wears lycra and shaves their fucking legs doesn't subscribe to the "I am fucking gay" club. Being a large non-gay bike fixing kinda guy, I have a hard time beleiving that you can tolerate the level of gayness that must wander in to you shop. It would make me want to take that goddamn french 3speed hub with the touring cluster on it, and jam it straight up someones cliff bar scarfing ass!! However, it must be rewarding, to come home from a hard days work of tweeking on fags bikes and see this.

God damn. What did you call that pic when you sent it to me, a bike mechanic's living room? That's fucking funny, man.

  Monday, May 21, 2001
I like spooner's site. He rules. I too know what it's like when you want to be funny, but fear that you're not. That, and he links the hottest fucking girls. Oh oh oh.

I was going to tear the new issue of Bike magazine to pieces, but I left it at work. Like I'm going to fucking buy it. Right. Since it isn't here in front of me, I'll have to go from memory. Let's see...

The point / counterpoint article this month has to do with single speeds. As in "are they necessary?" Are you fucking kidding me?

It's a good thing they got the pro side of this thing to be presented by some dude named Wake from Surly bikes. It was really going nowhere. I fail to see what the disagreement could possibly be about. If you have a single speed and like riding it, fucking wonderful. If you don't want a single speed and thing the derailluer is the greatest thing on this earth since huge boobs, fucking wonderful.

Is that clear enough?

Ferrentino's The grimy handshake addresses with the pressing issue of the 'oh my god, your job is so easy' shit he has to deal with.

Ring any bells? I'll tell you a little story. I work on bikes for my beer money and it ain't no cake walk. In fact, it chugs big cock mostly. I have a friend who basically taught himself the computer language c++. He parlayed that into three different jobs last year alone. His earnings potential went from 50 to 65 to 80 grand. No shit. Sound like easy street, huh?

Not really. He put on a good sixty pounds of unsightly blubber and has a nice little skin condition that manifests itself as callused, cracked skin at his elbows and knees. Ignoring the obvious relationship between that and being on all fours in his bosses office, you'd think he had it made. My point in all of this? The grass is always greener, my friends. He can't believe I find the time to ride 10, 15 of 20 hours a week, and I can't believe he bring home 80 fucking grand a year. I think I might just do gay porn for that kind of money. Especially if it included getting to take the beef truck to Druville, if you get my drift.

Oh hell, my computer just took a shit for what must have been the four thousandth time since I got this piece of shit. I should have bought an I-Mac. Fucking Gateway bullshit.

Before I go, use this booty call agreement if the need ever arises. And sweet Jesus, I just about forgot to link some porn.

Porn   Porn   Porn

Whew, that was a close one.

  Saturday, May 19, 2001
Once again, my travels have shown me nothing if not that Phoenix and it's surrounding little darlings like Tempe and Scottsdale are home to the nations most beautiful people.

When one is living in this burnt out hell of a valley, it can become a bit of a drag. As in, "Oh look, implants. How unusual."

You want to remedy this predicament? Travel around a little as I have done this spring. What you find will make you want to tear your eyes from their sockets with a fucking fork. At least it did me.

Here's a list of some places and their absolutely appalling locals.

  Austin, Texas: Horde of very regular looking women. Just plain, well, plain. Supposed to be the finest roses of Texas. Uh huh. Hit the college bars and hit 'em hard. Drink a lot too, the girls will look better, but oddly never all that good.

  Silverton, New Mexico: If you can't get laid in a town like this, you have what is known as a standard. Don't sell yourself short by testing the age old adages, "a woman with no teeth gives better head." I recommend sticking with porn.

  Moscow, Idaho: This town is "cute" and offers quite a bit of wide open road riding and miles and miles of logging road. And, I hear, a far share of single track as well. The girls? Beat down hard with the fat and ugly stick. No one escapes. I think the Idaho State campus boasts a total of 73 Sororities. Sounds good, but the hot Sorority chicks go to places like San Diego, and ASU. Also, there isn't a strip club within a hundred miles of this shithole. Bring your own porn.

  Spokane, Washington: Big town with tons of white trash. Meth labs and white on white violent crime are the norm. Fucking twisted and weird would be my description. I actually witnessed a ridiculously drunk couple enjoying sloppy, riverside sex here. It was not an attractive sight. I'd rather watch farm animals fuck.

I'm not even going to start in on the whole mulette thing. Fucking white trash sucks. I have never seen as many fucking up, fat, skanky, Nascar lovin' shitheads in my life as I saw this last week. Idaho and Washington state have big, big problems.

Two good bumper stickers:

  Remember My Name ~ You'll Be Screaming It Later.

  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Been tagged by the great jugs yet? It's exciting for about two seconds. This, on the other hand, is exciting for three seconds. This is a whole bunch of big tits. And this? She's just hot.

Response sent in more bike porn, and even some shit without a bike. Here at drunkcyclist.com, it's all good.


Fuck, that's about it. I'm going over to Ham Fist Forbes's and getting drunk as hell.

  Wednesday, May 16, 2001
I'll just start out with this little honey. God Damn, she's fine.

Why even fuck around, the best thing I got going most days is the mail that shows up around this place. I'll tell ya, I'd have burned out long ago if it wasn't for all you mother fuckers telling me how much you like the site and all that crazy shit.

From: Response
Subject: The Stickers
seems i broke up with my chick cause she wouldnt put a "DC" pm her tits for your site. I man has to have his priorities. ten speed gayness is not one of them.

Damn. That is really something. Hardcore. And Response even sent in this mp3. Listen to it here. Response not having a girlfriend anymore kinda ties into this next letter. Sorta. Not really. A little. Not really.

From: Doug
Subject: hotties on bikes - some new pics
Hey there, what's up. I met you the other day, I'm Jame's roommate. I finally got around to checking out your site. Pretty kewl.

Forgive me if I don't remember exactly who you are. I think I know, but I sure couldn't pick you out of a line up at this point. Thanks a ton for the pics. She's hot alright, but what's with the huge bush? Christ that thing needs trimmin'.

I put up some new jokes if anyone gives a shit. Hey, they make me laugh. So fuck you.

So, I'm sitting here looking at porn. Again. I just can't get enough of that shit. It never gets boring. I like surfing around on the web. I like finding new music, reading up on all the bullshit at the cycling websites. And I like looking at hot chicks with big boobs. Especially if they're involved in a sex act or two. That makes it even better.

The results from last weekends freakin' rampage, the Granite Basin Bash are up here. Yeah, I got 24th place. Fuck you.

Best placed DrunkCyclist.com racer? Nathan Lowire at tenth. As much as I want too, I can't really count the fourth place efforts of Corey "Hippie Girl" Fagerholm, because he wasn't wearing a wifebeater. Sure he drank all my beer, but his shirt said "adventure racing". Pussy. We'll see if he plays ball for the next race.

It's good to see Jason Tallous won the Pro race, and Jake Rubelt got fourth. And my man, Ophir Sefiha took expert. Right on guys. Kip Moyer got 7th in the 30 - 39 expert race, my age group. Nice ride, all of you guys.

  Tuesday, May 15, 2001
Claudia Chase. Ho hum. Another day, another fucking dollar. I got to carry the last ten Kona mountain bikes that SuperGo will ever sell in Phoenix right out the back of their store today. No more Kona for those fucksticks. I can't say I'm depressed about it. Not at all. I'd like to see them part ways with every bike line in existence.

This girl is really hot. I think Spooner is hitting on her. You be the judge.

I can't believe the size of this girls boobs. Fucking huge. Same story over here. I can't believe it. They sure look like fun to me.

Huh, what? What is it about breasts, anyway? The sight of them just makes me crazy. Who knows? Maybe I shouldn't ask so many stupid questions in the first place.

Check out Arizona's latest single speed site, Flight of the Pigs. They have a gear chart, of all things. It's just plain cool. Jim is much harder than me. That bastard.

Tomorrow I fly up to Spokane Washington, and then I'm driving to Moscow Idaho. Why, you ask? Because there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to be living there in the fall. I guess I should have a look around the place before I make the move.

Anyone ever been, or live there now? How's the riding? I'm expecting to see a whole lot of freaking cows. We'll see.

I should be packing right now. But I'm not. You know the routine. Anything is more fun then stuffing all my shit in some little carry-on bag. And that's what I'm bringing. A carry-on. Fuck checking bags through. If I can't put it on the plane myself, and know exactly where it is, it probably won't show up with me at all. That's what airlines do. They charge you an assload of money for a ticket, and then to show you that they don't give a shit about you at all, they loose your luggage. Hey, it happens.

Half the shit I need to wear for the next four days is probably wrapped up in a ball in the bottom of my laundry basket. Where else would it be? Clean and put in the closet? Are you fucking kidding me? Not in this lifetime, buddy.

  Monday, May 14, 2001
I wish there was an easy way to do this. As it stands, there isn't. So, I am now going to flush the next two freaking hours of my life in the shitter and pull another update out of my ass. I need beer.

Since I really have no ideas of my own, ever. I'll just fall back on some good old American porn. I don't remember where these pics came from, so if you sent them to me, consider this a thank you. This chick is so freaking hot I can't even stand to look at her anymore.


That is a remarkable easy way to please the masses. It's much better than my stupid ass carrying on about God knows what. Like, today for example, one of my co-workers asked me if I liked any new bicycle technology. I had to think about that one.

I told him, "No, pretty much everything sucks." And I meant it. I am so fucking sick of suspension forks and suspension bikes and ten speed gayness and what the fuck ever. Carbon fiber fucking blows. Fuck all of it.

OK, it isn't all that bad. Integrated shift/brake levers are cool on road bikes. I like being able to shift on crappy pavement, or while cornering. That I like.

Aside from that, rigid single speed mountain bikes are pretty fool proof and fun to ride.

From: Jim
Subject: Flight of the Pigs
Hey Big J
Good to see you and your buds racing this weekend. The shirts were great. Made me ashamed that I was wearing a jersey.
Check out Flight of the Pigs. I just started this site. It's got info on the events I throw, and a page where I babble crap like yours. Hope you don't mind that I borrowed your idea. I linked your site on the links page. Maybe you'd be kind enough to do the same. Let me know what you think. Sorry there isn't any porn. The hosting company won't allow it, so I'll just send people your way when they want tits with their bikes.

Jim, you fucking rule. When you came by me with Hippie Corey and about three other thugs during the race this weekend I wanted to break down and cry. Fuck. You guys blew me right off the back. It sucked.

The events you throw are some of the best ever. Consider yourself linked, my man. And I got that porn thing covered nine ways to Tuesday.

From: Willy
Subject: Find the Peach
I know its a big file butt well worth it !
Can you find the Peach ? Their is one in there.

Click here to play the Find the Peach game. I can't find it. I can't even try very hard, really. I just get all distracted.

This link got sent in awhile back, and I've just forgotten to link it. Sure, those are motorcycles and not bicycles. But look at the sluts, man, the fucking sluts!

  Sunday, May 13, 2001
It's good to be back in front of a computer laden with porn images after a long weekend of aching lungs and tired legs. Let's just say I did what I could with what I had. And I didn't have much.

I think the race played out something like this: Hippie Cory takes third, Nate gets 10th. Yardsale, Casey and Dru take 15th, 16th and 17th. And fat boy (me) rolls in 6 minutes later taking home the dunkin' fuckin' donuts prize for 24th. All of this is, of course, subject to change. About five times if the results of any other MBAA races are any indication.

This link is defiantly worth your time.

From: Dave Herbold
Subject: none
Hey Fucko,
Where's my motivation?
Can you post an A.P.B. for Ralph por favor?
Yo Ralphy! I need a place to crash in Iowa or where ever it is that you live. I wanted to hit that Sanke alley crit and a few others at the end O' the month. Check your email or something! Please help da needeey:-).
Contact Big Jonny and give him yer number. Yea, I'll call you tomorrow baby...sure.

That's about all I have energy for. It's 10:40, Sunday night and all I want to do is crawl into bed. Fuck this.

  Thursday, May 10, 2001
this is a link. I am a PWCtoday.com partner. And I feel nothing. Nothing. It's cold and dark in here and no one will link me back. I haven't even linked any porn, yet. See, I'm trying to change. You uncaring bastards.

Check out the new prison name generator that got sent to me today, yesterday, something. I modified it a little, because it was ugly. Now it's beautiful like everything here at the site. Ahhh.

From: Ward Bates
Subject: Heart Rate Monitors and Porn

Ever worn your heart rate monitor while surfing the internet for porn? You gotta try it if you have one!
Maybe a new porn rating system:
Baseline is your normal non-porn HR while on the net
10 would be a pic that increases your HR by 10%
20 would be a 20% jump
100 would be your head flying off.
And so on...
Finally, a rating system that all the tech weenie cyclists can relate to.
Rock on,
Tech Guy @ LiquorGunsandPorn.com

I can't even remember to wear a heart rate monitor when I train.

Actually, I just sent the fucker in to get fixed. When I get it back maybe I'll see what 'ol Jenna Jameson does. I'm thinking I'll be at a maximum sustainable effort almost immediatley. Then, since this is all about me, I'll probably last three minutes at AT and drop down to something more manageable. Like my resting heart rate. Then I'll probably have to go find some paper towels.

From: BunchSprint
Subject: Who gives a shit
I finally agree with you enough to actually email you. I don't know Price or any of the riders you write about, other than to sweat next to them until my eyeballs pop out and I go off the back like everyone else. I am sick of the "bitch" boards being full of crying little pussies. If you want good things said, or bad things not said TURN THE FUCKING PEDALS FASTER!!! you'll get your props...

Save the undeserved sweet talk for a good piece of ass. Like Randy.

And Un-Gay Randy is one sweet piece of ass. I should know. I had that fucker impaled on my dick like a human shish-ka-bob at Gila. Fucking had him screaming, "Christ was a jew!" and everything. Anyway, I hear ya.

From: Willy
Subject: I hear you like BooBs?
Well what kind do you like ?

The picture Willy sent is so fucking huge (340k) that you're just gonna have to click here to see it. God Damn buddy, that is awesome. I think I spent about the last twenty minutes staring at that pic and studying all the curves. What is that, a couple of hundered breasts?

Lets see, one, two, three, Fuck those things are huge! Um, four, five, sex, um, those are fucking beautiful... I don't think I can count that high.

You want to know what kind I like? Let me put it like this. There isn't one inch of that thing you sent me that doesn't give me a fucking hard-on.

  Wednesday, May 09, 2001
It seems Rob at PWC.today is running some bullshit link exchange program. Why is it bullshit, you ask? Because no matter how much I link him, he will never reciprocate. The pussy. He say's his is a "family" site. Big deal. This is a family site too. A place for everyone. Hey, what kid doesn't like boobs?

yeah, we're a partner site.  you want some of this?

Lets see where that gets me. Probably nowhere fast.

What the fuck, man. I just can't fucking win sometimes. Did you ever hear the expression that you can't make everyone happy? No matter what you do? I'm fucking living it. Screw it.

subject: updates
From: Kevin
Hey, a whole week and only one porn link? what's goin' on?

Shit man, I was out of town for all of last week. Of course I aim to please. Here are ten dynamite porn links. Happy trails.

one  two  three  four  five  six  seven  eight  nine  ten

  Tuesday, May 08, 2001
Diamond Dave, everyone's favorite garden gnome lookalike asked me to Thank Bill and Tommy Burke for putting on the Tuesday night crit series this year. It just ended tonight. And guess what? Fat boy me didn't do even one of them. Just like last year.

Mighty Dave also took home tonight's $100.00 prime put up by Dan Sanderson. I'll thank Dan now for that mocha 'ol Diamond is buying my ass tomorrow morning at Starbucks when I meet him at six in the God Damn morning for a 4 hour easy ride. Make that fucker a double, no whip and with soy milk. I'm on a diet for Christ's sake.

This is my buddy Rob's jet ski site. Yeah, I know, big deal. But check the fucking helmet this guy wears. I kinda wish mine looked like that. Just a little bit.

Another mountain bike race this weekend. I'm going to get my ass handed to me. Fuck it. I'm going to beat someone. You better believe that one. Even if it's my kid brother in the bathroom.

It seems some guy is asking friends of mine to have me "say something nice about Scott Price." What the fuck is that shit about?

I know Scott Price, and he knows me. He might not know that he does, but he does. And here's the fucking newsflash for you pinheads: I have no problem with Scott Price. That's right. In fact, I haven't said two words to that guy in that last five years.

What is it you fucking pussies want me to say about him? That he's one of the fastest cyclist's in the state of Arizona? That's about all I know about him.

If someone writes me a race report, I don't edit it's content, grammar or spelling. I never have and I never will. I put it up just how I get it. Raw.

If someone says something unflattering about Scott Price, or anyone else for that matter, fuck it. It gets posted. And you know what? I find it hard to believe that Price gives a shit about my little pill party porn site.

Why is it you morons can't find the contact buttons and write e-mails to me, instead of wasting the time of someone who has nothing to do with this site at all? Fuck, I have a message board. Use it.

It's assholes like you guys that I think about everyday when I train, and try like hell to lose weight. I want to fucking crush you idiots. And, someday I will.

  Monday, May 07, 2001
What a day. I am so ready to fall asleep. I'm sleepwalking through this update for sure. When in doubt, break into the pile of reader mail. It makes you seem intelligent and creative and all you have to do is change the font color, cut and paste. I'm a fucking rock star.

From: Tom
Subject: big gay randys new nick
im thinkin:
1) average straight randy
2) tall, skinny and un-gay randy
3) dandy randy
4) andy mandy candy sandy brandy bo bandy...... randy!

Oh, that is so freakin great. Un-gay Randy. Totally boss.

Here is today's porn link. Its a good one too. Lots of girls taking their clothes off and standing around with bicycles. Yee Haa.

From: stikman
Subject: nice
Hey there drunken freak...
Is it okay for me to think your site is great, well I do....god damn funniest site out there. You write some entertaining shit, and you know I only read drunken cyclist for the articles, I am not into the pictures.

Right on, man. Good to hear you like that porn/bike action I'm bringing to the world. It works for me. I have a little problem with boobs. I think their the greatest thing in the world. I love them.

Fuck it, I have to sleep sometime tonight. I got about twenty odd nudie pics in the mail today, but I'm having a hell of a time uploading them. By the way, AOL sucks fucking dick. That's about it.

  Monday, May 07, 2001
Let's see if I can sneak in a short update before work. And, by the way, I am so looking forward to going back. Oh yes, I can' wait. I'd go even if they didn't pay me. You bet I would.

I should've put up this link last week before I even left, but believe me, I had plenty of shit to take care of as it was. Anyway, this is the link to the "official" website for the Tour of the Gila. Yes, that is the race I was at last week. And, no. I was not a participant. I was a lowly worker bee.

It's a pretty nice webpage by the way. Now that I get to wear the crown of webmaster now and again I can say things like that. They had results and photo's up around nine at night for every stage. That is not east to do. Very impressive work.

Bart Bowen, Hanseatic/Ochsner, 17th overall, 10:50 down. Not bad. @ 37:29, Jones, Gareth for 60th. And @ 42:02, Pardyjak, Eric for 66th. Again, not bad. 140 guys started this thing and 82 finished. Almost half the field didn't make it. Hard friggin race.

My man Jason "Big Tex" Tallous gets 32nd place in what he describes as "training for Big Bear." He was 19:32 down and rides for Giant/Domenics. I look forward to your race report, Jason. As always, don't pull any punches.

Everyone's favorite ham fisted turn a huge fucking gear all day tan god Brian Forbes rode like a tank all week and finished 54th. 14:25 down and he rides for Jelly Belly. I don't feel so bad about getting totally blown off his wheel two weeks ago when he rides like that in a race that tough. A great ride by Brain.

In the Cat 2's, Jake "the Snake" Rubelt brings home a well deserved 8th place for Giant/Domenics. At 8:44 down. What a great ride. Especially when one considers that, like Tallous, this is only "training for Big Bear." I'll betcha there aren't too many guys who finished in front of 'ol Snake and Big Tex who are riding mountain bikes as nationally ranked semi-pros this year. Big Bear should treat these two well.

I'm really running short on time this morning, but I want to make mention of two fellas in Cat 3 who ride for Giant/Domenics. Bill Wheeler takes 14th place at a scant 3:49 down. And Greg Kilroy finishes at 51st. Good ride guys, I know it wasn't easy.

I'll get to the reader mail and new porn links tonight. I can already hear the whistle blowing down at the salt mine.

  Sunday, May 06, 2001
It's good to be home. My own bed, my own dog. And I can walk around buck ass naked if I want too. I missed that last one the most.

I read this on the shitter today in some British cycling weekly, and thought it was damn good enough to share.

"Roadmen knotted spare tubulars round their shoulders, swigged drinks from dented aluminium bottles and competed over distances that would have today's stars seeking the comfort of their team cars.

Short and stocky, with the bulging thighs of a track sprinter, Bedwell was never too concerned about his appearance. Long hair and black socks were the norm and a clean bike was a sign of weakness..."

Is that fucking bitchen, or what? I got that from an article about Dave Bedwell, a man I never heard of but would have loved to meet. Fucking right on.

My time at the Tour of the Gila was good. I glued on tubulars and handed up bottles with the best of them. I slept on the floor and put on bar tape. It was great. It came to a short end for me and the Randini. By day three the time cuts and hills were becoming too much for many a racer, including those on Hanseatic/Ochner. At the end of Fridays fun little loop around and over the Gila wilderness, we suddenly had more support personnel than riders in the race. So, Randy and I pointed the car west and rode back into Arizona like two not-so all conquering heroes of Rome.

It seems Randy is sick and tired of being called "big gay randy". He wants a better nickname. I think he believes the "big gay" thing is driving potential dates away. I'm pretty sure that has absolutely nothing to do with it, but I'll humor the poor bastard.

From now on Randy Mason is to be known as, or by, one of the following "I'm a pussy and don't like my nickname" new and improved aliases:

1) Incredibly Masculine Randy - Speaks for itself really. Like a Viking God, he is.

2) Big Dick Randy - Another crowd favorite for sure. But, it still leaves the door open on the whole gay thing. Does he have a big dick, or does he crave big dick. Could pose problems.

3) Irresistible Bottle of Pure Unadulterated Machismo Randy - As good as that may sound, there is no way in hell I'm going to get into the habit of typing that on a regular basis. Sorry.

4) Never Been Ass-Banged Randy - Maybe the funniest of the bunch, but I don't think he's gonna like this one so much.

5) All Man Randy - I like this one, simple, concise and to the point. However, if used commonly All-MANdy is a much better alternative.

6) Irresistible Lady Killer Randy - Tell it like it is, buddy. Or, tell it like you'd like it to be. Whatever.

  Tuesday, May 01, 2001
Later on, same day, same 'ol shit. Getting ready to leave for the Gila. I won't be able to update the page for almost a week. Oh well.

From: Tom
Subject: New Bike Seat
hey jonny! check this out! it started as a joke but my girlfriend had me build it. think we can sell em? well be millionaires by midnight!!!!! by the way, it works.

God damn. I think I like it. Talk about woman's specific saddles. It would be nice to have something like that around the bike shop. I don't think it would be all that appropriate for all the girls that come in looking for a new seat. Just like every girl out there shouldn't be a stripper.

You wouldn't need to move all that many units to make stocking such an item worthwhile. Maybe like one or two a year. Can you imagine if you brought that thing out for some totally hot chick and her response was, "Hey, it looks like just the thing I've been looking for. Do you think you could help me fit it?"

From: Fox
Subject: blank
My bro Joe shared the stickers so I thought I owed ya a little. This is the only woman trashy enough to get close to my heart. or something I often confuse with my heart,

I'm glad you liked the stickers that much. And, man, she sure is trashy. In a hot, trailer park kinda way though. It works for me.

From: Scott Forbes
Subject: Brian's race report to me.
just wanted to give you a race report on Bisbee.
Stage 1, 2.8 mile mule pass TT. Didn't go so well for me I ended up 22 after it, Norm was 7th, and Kirk was 34.
Prick Price won it.
Stage 2, 88 mile circuit race. Kirk got in a break with 2 other riders on lap 2 and stayed away the rest of the race. White mtn had 12 riders in the race and the chased the whole time, but never brought them back. with about 5km to go Price chased hard shattered the pack and all was left were Norm, Price, and myself. Kirk won, I was 4th, Price 5th, and Norm 6th.
Stage 3, 11 mile TT, Price broke the old record 20:22, With A 20:18. I was 2nd with A 21:16, and Norm was 3rd with a 21:17. Best TT I've done.
Lemke, Miller, Peshka All slower.
Stage 4, 68 mile RR., Kirk, Norm, and myself kept attacking making it hard on white mtn. When we hit the climb Price picked up the pace dropping almost the hole field. Price was over the climb first but Norm and I, and about 7 other riders weren't far behind but we weren't chasing because Kirk had been dropped. With about 200 meters Norm jumped then so did I, and that's how we finished Price 1st, Norm 2nd, and I was 3rd.
GC. Price 1st, Norm 3rd, Kirk 4th, and I ended up 6th only 10 sec. from fifth. Only other Landis rider in top ten was Peshka at 9th.
I'll try to give you race updates from Gila. That's where we are right now my phone doesn't work to well.
Talk to you later

Thanks for forwarding that to me, Scott. I always love a straight from the trenches race report like that. Gritty.

  Tuesday, May 01, 2001
The local Trek dealer representative wanted me to post the following photograph. In it you will see the most horribly bruised ass cheek I have ever seen. See for yourselves.

Oh my God. Ron's ass, in all it's glory. I'm pretty sure that's my hand holding up his shirt. Ouch. I saw the crash that made that. And, it really didn't look that bad. It was one of those slow, sorta out of control, wheelie the bike out from under yourself things.

But, the damage it caused was fucking amazing.

Within a few hours Ron's ass was like a basketball, a purple and black basketball. And it stayed like that for days. And then Ron being Ron, he started showing it to everyone he met. Waitstaff at restaurants, people in line buying a newspaper, folks at the bar. I guess if you have something like that, you might as well be sharing it with the world. Sort of like what I'm doing now.

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