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This page is all about bikes, boobs and beers. If you don't like it, you can go to hell.

  Wednesday, February 28, 2001
A slave to the road. That uncaring bitch. Do you think she cares about sweat and pain? She fells nothing, not freezing cold nor scorching heat. She is always the same.

The tarmac does not change. It will break you and your son's sons. A 10 percent grade is unwavering in its penance. All that changes is you. Your fitness, your ability to soak up the punishment and deal out some more. That changes, brother. The street doesn't.

I hope someone remembers Bobby Julich and fucking lights up Jerome Blijlevens at Redlands. If you can't beat him in the race, beat him in the parking lot.

The man, Andre Tchmil.

Results from the 24 race are up over here. I hate to be a bitch, but we left thinking we were the forth place team. Now we are fifth. I'm OK with it. But, I know sure as shit that Kyle rode 6 laps, not 5. We'll sort it out.

This is a slide show of the event/race over at the AZ fat tire site.


  Wednesday, February 28, 2001
What does one say on a night such as this? I feel sometimes my life could not be more boring. And yet, I also find myself convinced my life could not be more rewarding. Is there a constant between these two seemingly diametrically opposed viewpoints?

In the end, does anything hold as much value as, well, big boobs?

Oh fuck it. I fix bikes for a living and I like it. Sure the money sucks, and the hours, and the customers, and the stupid little swirling tides of the bike industry. Long travel, short travel, light, heavy, bright, dull, rise, flat, clipless, platform. Ugh. I hate the way my hands dry up like an oak trees leaves in autumn from the endless grease, oil, cans of Pledge and constantly trying to wash all that shit off. I hate working during all the hours that I'd rather be riding. I hate getting a day off only to watch the heavens open up and dump rain like my name was Noah.

And then there are the things I love.

Lacing up any Mavic hoop with DT double butts with a cup of hot coffee and I co-worker that cracks good jokes is a hard thing to beat. And, rolling out a 16 pound road bike for a test ride on a warm spring day, when the girls at ASU break the sun dresses back out of the closet and the light at 10 street just turned green, is something I'm sure I recall with a smile on my face when I'm old and gray.

If you would like a drunkcyclist.com sticker click here.

I got some pictures from the 24 hours of the old pueblo race today. I should be able to get them all scanned and uploaded tomorrow. I think so anyway.


  Tuesday, February 27, 2001

Nicotine Valium Vicaden Marijuana Ecstasy and Alcohol.

More fucking galleries.

One     Two

Dubya is greeting his nation this evening. I am absolutely terrified of this man. I still can't believe he won the election. I guess I'm just living in denial, sort of like, "I'm not a fat ass..." and, "I'm getting thinner..."

Yeah right.

All the usual; shit, teacher accountability healthcare, more money for the military, improve the environment and lower taxes for America's working families all at the same time. Amazing.

How the hell is any of that going to work out. Who cares? I just want Boobs


  Monday, February 26, 2001
Dr. Bicycles sent in a porn link. More like a huge list of porn links. Fun fun fun fun fun.

A new joke or two.

I also got some passwords for some nice, wholesome porn sites. My fucking eye's are bleeding. If I can figure out how in the hell to link to some cool big tit sex galleries, I will. Try this. It might work. Maybe.

Het Volk this weekend. I can't wait. I hope it rains, snows, and just plain fucking hammers down. No sissies win a race like Het Volk.

I lost my wallet this weekend after a bike ride. I was pulling hair out of my head looking for it. I was not excited about spending an entire day with the retard army at the DMV. It always sucks at the DMV.

Then I got this e-mail:

Hey AssHeLmUt,
gEE, WoNdERinG WheRE YouR WaLET MiGHt BE? It SeEms To HavE BeeN LEFt on mY DrivE WAy anD Is noW In mY GRuBBy HaNDS. You want It?

Friends. Aren't they great?


  Sunday, February 25, 2001
I think this is fucking cool. And this too.

This ought to keep you occupied for awhile. At least it did me.

Want more? Click here, here and here.

Fuck it, this is the entire directory. Enjoy!

I just can't get over how great the weather is lately. I sound like a 73 year old man saying that shit, but, it's fucking awesome. Just wait about three months and I'll be cursing this place like a sailor.


  Saturday, February 24, 2001
Het Volk in one week. March 3rd. Can you taste it? I can't wait. Read about last year. It's always a good race.

My favorites are, of course, Andre Tchmil and anyone else Belgian and hard as nails. I know Tchmil is an adopted Belgian, but fuck, after winning Flanders last year he's as Belgium and anyone.

I love boobs. Click here and here.

A new joke today. Yee haa.

This is floating around the net, so what the hell, I'll post it. The Juice does porno.

This is some funny shit. Fucking Sancho.

Any site called drinking hard is pretty much in with me. I like it, and so should you.

John's everyday hotties. Interested? Click here.


  Friday, February 23, 2001
I found some pics of Porn Star Savanna. Before she shot herself, you sick fucks you.

Check this site out. I think it's pretty damn cool.

I have no friends in the Stileproject forums. I don't care.

Nice weather in Phoenix these days. God Damn is it ever nice here in the spring. I might as well soak it up while I can, because in a few short months it's going to totally suck dick around here.

This is funnier than shit, but it'll take about six years to load. At least it did on my shitty ass dial up. 56 reasons to throw this fucking idiot box through the wall. If I ever really lose it, I think I'll find spooner to help me smash shit. We could start with Freddy Prinze Jr.

I found a site called suicidalist. They have a rad big tit hentai page. Check out the animated gifs. Fucking rockin'. It's a funny site, and it seems appropriate to mention it after Freddy Prinze. Maybe he'll get the hint, and punch his own ticket. Fucker. He always gets the girl. I'd rather he didn't wake up tomorrow, but do I get my way? No.

Why? The same reason I always seem to be riding into a head wind. I'm convinced that God does in fact exist, and he fucking hates me.

Speaking of God, I got a new porn vid. What it lacks in length it makes up for with really big tits. Check it out here.

Speaking of porn, did I ever post this one? Forgive me if I already did, but it's worth watching twice. Or, if you're like me, you'll watch it about ten times in amazement.

Chris and Aidan Last but not least, Scottish Chris and Jen had a son. How about that?

And what's in a name, you ask? Check out this: Aidan Kane duVallon Lohan. He was born February 20th at 2:58pm. Stats: 7lbs even 21 inches long.


  Wednesday, February 21, 2001
We're a drinking team with a riding problem. Or, something like that.

No good shit to share. No killer emails, no porn. Some new jokes to enjoy.

Ho hum.

I'm trying to sell two bikes to get one more. It's sort of a geometric digression. I hope it works.

I like porn. Do you like porn? No? Then don't click here. Or, here. And, for God's sake don't click here it you don't like porn. Because if you don't like porn, you're only going to be disappointed by clicking here, man. You're just gonna be bummed out, man. Jeez.


  Tuesday, February 20, 2001
If there is a 24-race bug, we all got it this weekend. All we can talk about is doing another race. I guess the next one is back east at Canaan, or Snowshoe, something. Who knows?

Anyone feel like giving us free stuff? I'll plug the shit outta your product on the site, or if you prefer, I won't mention you at all. It seems some people are embarrassed to be associated with my fun little porn site.

All you Arizona reps that I know read this site, you wanna help send us to more 24 hour races?

For mere pennies a day you could help keep Casey sauced, racing, and just plain happy as a pig in shit..

I want this for a support team next time.

I love naked chicks.

Shit, maybe I should go back to golf.

Golf   Golf   Golf

Nah, fuck that. Bikes are cooler, even though Tiger Woods beat out Lance Armstrong at the ESPY's this year.


  Monday, February 19, 2001
I might actually get some photos from the 24 Hours of the Old Pueblo race. Really. There was enough cameras around, you'd think that a few moments of stupidity got recorded. If I get 'em, I post 'em.

Instead I have three nice shots of me passed out cold on my birthday. Looks like I had a great time. I wish I remembered.

Drunk   Drunk   Drunk

If anyone wants a nice drunkcyclist.com sticker for his or her top tube, bong, disc wheel, helmet, vibrator, whatever, send me $1.00 per sticker in a self-addressed envelope. A stamp would be a nice touch, but fuck it. Just write your address for me. It's one less thing for me to fuck up. I've been doing that a lot lately it seems.

If anyone wants to plaster my stickers all over a huge set of tits, take a pic, and mail it to me, I'll be really stoked. Hell, I'll even post it.

I'm still recovering from these weekends' efforts. Jesus Christ is it ever hard to get back on the bike at 5:00 am and go back out there in the dark. I can't begin to explain how fucked up things get at that time of night. Grim is a good start.

I saw a lot of things out there on the race course. Things that weren't there in the daylight. Like that white dog that kept running out of the bushes. I'm pretty sure that wasn't real, but, and I'm not kidding, I'm not the only one that saw the dog.

The row of track homes, like the ones sprouting up all over the east valley, that I thought I rode by on my third night lap was not there in the morning.

But, there were about 15 dead mice in the trail. No shit. These little suicidal freaks kept darting out of the scrub and running straight under my tires. I think I managed not to hit any live ones myself, but someone was just mowing the poor little bastards down.

Once they were already dead I ran them over without a second thought. Shit, the only other choice was to go off trail into very mean cactus. Cactus the likes of which I've never seen and don't ever care to see again.

Until next year anyway.


  Sunday, February 18, 2001
Of course the burning question on everyone's mind is: How did those stupid fucks place at the 24 Hours of the Old Pueblo race?

We got forth.

Not bad for a bunch of drunks who put a team together Thursday afternoon. We paid our entry fee at 5:15 on Friday. The cut off was six. I didn't see any other single speed teams out there. Not one.

I wish the results were up at Epic Rides, but there aren't yet. I'll bet those guys are beat to shit just like I am. I need sleep, and a lot of it.

My eyes are burning out of my fucking head. Good night.


  Thursday, February 15, 2001
Somehow through the grace of God, we secured a semblance of sponsorship. So if anyone sees me this weekend at the 24 Hours of the Old Pueblo, don't' be surprised if I'm sporting a Giant shirt and Specialized shorts. OK, I'm a whore. But at least I can accept it.

Say 'Hi' and I'll give you a sticker.

It seems Brain didn't enjoy being switched with his brother all that much. Here's a pic of Brain. This is Scott. Here he is again. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

If I weren't such a dirt poor, pathetic bicycle mechanic, I would buy a camera and show the world what the 24-hour race looks like. But, I am a dirt-poor pathetic bicycle mechanic and I got dick. So, barring something completely out of left field, I will have no pictures of this weekend's debauchery. Sorry.

Fuck it, I'm going to the Shed to get drunk.


  Thursday, February 15, 2001
OK, the joke bombed. Scott Forbes didn't win anything. I think about one person wrote in on that one. The slender brother won. Brian Forbes. Duh.


  Tuesday, February 13, 2001
Looks like 'ol Daign is back and running strong. I think I started to miss him. How does one man stay so fucking pissed? I'll have to put his link back up.

Nothing to say, nothing to share. Nobody sent me one fucking porn pic, link, .jpp. .mpg. Nothing. Nada. Nunca. The big goose egg. Fuck me.

I need porn.

Fucking Scott Forbes won the Pecos Road Race on Sunday. Son of a bitch. Ain't life grand? And my man Bill "Turbo" Wheeler takes the Cat 4 race. Not bad.

Read about it here.

Interested in UCI road rankings? Check this out.

New jokes if anyone gives a damn.


  Sunday, February 11, 2001
Well shit fire here it is Sunday morning, 9:00 am and I'm at home. In front of a computer. I am a lazy fat fuck.

Truth be told, I really didn't want to do eight laps in the foothills this morning. When I woke up, it wasn't so much that I felt bad. I just didn't want to ride out in the fucking foothills anymore. I ride out there so much, so often as it is. I've learned to pretty much hate it. I'm sure that in a few hours, or days, I will regret my decision. But, for now, it's all I have.

Did Daign's slanderous little site (finally) get shut down? Or, did he just get bored with the whole thing? Who knows? In the end, do I even care?


  Saturday, February 10, 2001
More notes from the underground. Its real warm in Phoenix, break out the sun tan lotion.

Wish I had something to actually say. My life is fucking boring. I don't have near enough time to do the things I want to do. All week long its work, work work you fucking loser. I got to ride with the boys today out at Pima and Dynamite. The best single track around these parts if you ask me.

What are friends for?

Tomorrow I got this fucking awful road race that's absolute going to fucking kill me. And, next weekend is a 24-hour race that neither me, nor any of my semi handicapped "team mates" have even bothered to register for yet. Jesus Christ. We are a bunch of idiots.

How about this, this or this.

This is one hot chick.

A letter from our DC Euro Man showed up.

To: Asshelmet
Subject: I got what you need...
From: Tall Todd

And here I was hoping it was a job.

Yeah, For the spring races I am torn as the coverage on the tube kicks ass. (Two uniterupted hours of the cyclocross worlds on Sunday.) I need to find a good bar along the race course, drink up and run out to cheer when they roar by. Luckily for me the Amstel Gold website has listings for where you can do just that. I'm pretty sure that anyone can ride the courses, but of couse if you do it through the group perhaps you could get Phil Ligget to shout out your name as you tackle the Koppenberg or the oude kwarement. "Look at Big Jonny go. That big man is laying the hammer down." Which for some stupid reason is almost worth it. But if you know how to get around, I'm pretty sure that anyone can get out and ride the old courses. Next spring may be it for you, as I am hoping to get a grasp on how to do it this spring, so that anyone who wants to come over can hit it up in 2002. Cyclocross worlds coverage was excellent, even if it was in Dutch. I didn't see a shred of the stars and stripes other than in the final standings. I think Dale Knapp was 13th if I remeber right, which is awesome as we are usually in the bottom 25 of the field. The pride of the Netherland, Richard Groendal, blew up somewhere with 2 laps or so to go and went way backwards. To say his last name, cough up some snot while saying "u", then add the "-ndal". There ya go! It must have been a nice day in the Czech Republic (looked about 35 and grey) as all the Czechs' and Polish riders had shorts on. Tough as nails. The final three were two Belgian teamates and a local Czechie. The Czech hug in there tough but when the last three are you and two rider who are teamates for both club and country, well the odds aren't very good in your favor. It helps even less when Mari De Clerq hold his bike sideways and walks up the final run-up while the teamate sprints off. Wish I could remeber more of the names for you, but when I "officially" go to a race for DC, I'll get a bit more down. ANy way it rocked and my time at this computer is about to run out, so take care my man and write back when you can.
Todd

The dedication of that man is unbelievable. On another topic, since everyone seems to enjoy linking to my porn galleries, I will now link to someone else's porn in related fashion. I'm just aiming for boobs, really.

These are all from the stileproject.com. Think of it as me sorting through the shit, so you don't have to. You can thank me later.

click   click   click   click   click   click   click   click

Now I've got yellow fevor like my name was Trevor.

I got dumped in a maze of pop ups and stupid circular webring bullshit today. It all started innocently enough at lameking. It's my own fault. How much free porn is enough? If you just keep on clicking, you will get fucked.

Spooner is a funny mother fucker and you should read his site. I don't give a fuck about the stileproject. That guy gets hits like a mother fucker. But I'm pretty stoked on spooner. Who is that hot ass chick he posted on his main page? This girl right here. Anyone have any idea?

click   click   click   click   click


  Friday, February 09, 2001
So here at last is an update. I'm fucking beat to shit this week. Fuck me.

Can't think of any good reasons not to race this Sunday, so I guess I'm in. Great. You should see the hill I have to climb. Eight times. I can't complain too much. The Cat 1 guys like Big Gay Randy, Ham Fist Forbes and Diamond Dave all do 15 laps. Eight sounds great after that type of punishment.

I'll sort through the porn for something good to post. Lots and lots of new jokes sent in this week. I post the ones that make me laugh. Ho ho.

Why do I fell so tired all the time? How much sleep is enough, and how much is too much?

I don't know.



  7:57 PM 02/03/2001
Here's a good one for ya: Did Kokopeli drop the soap on I-10 near Casa Grande? Looks pretty damn homo to me. You be the judge.

This is some wierd shit. Scary wierd.

Porn links out the ass today.

Porn   Porn   Porn   Porn   Porn   Porn   Porn

What the hell. First big local road race is this weekend, and I ain't going anywhere near it. I wonder if Big Gay Randy will sneak win Cat 1-2? He's my pick. I also like "Turbo" Bill in the Cat 4. I don't know anything about the 3's. Results ought to be posted here pretty quick.

More news from Tall Todd, the Drunk Cyclist Euro Correspondant. I'm gonna try this post mail in different color text crap. I dont' think I like it. But, I don't like the italics shit either. I'm also gonna 86 the shit about the date. Anyone care what time I got the message? No? Good.

To:Asshelmet
Subject: Re: Holland
From: Tall Todd
When I can scrape up the guilders to buy a claptrap POS, it will need a Drunk Cyclist sticker on it. When you get off your beautiful plump ass and make some, send a few to me.

Ok, ok, I hear you. And everyone else. What can I say? I sent the check and the fucking stickers will be here soon.

Thanks for the plug on the site, oh and by the way that porn show has a website: menlovesex. I see that one and these others advertised on the Tely, so they are probably not too dirty, but when you're bored....... hotbox, and ready4sex. Charlene had to remind me of that last URL god bless her.

Hey when is Het Volk? I thought it was in Feb. but it may be in March.

Het Volk is March 3rd. I expect a detailed account. Of your drinking.

So as for Giant, since I am not yet registered with the authorities, they had nothing for me. BUT It sounds like once I get my papers (in a few weeks) they are going to get me a work permit. More on that. Help me pray for this job because until I get one the money is going one way (the wrong one) which means no trippy to bikey race for this correspondent. It all about the title!

Later skater,
Todd


  10:58 PM 02/01/2001
Looks like I found a new sucker, er, I mean... It looks like we have a new DC's Euro correspondent. How do you like that? And I don't have to do a fucking thing. Oh, I love being in charge.

To: Asshelmet
Subject: Holland
From: Tall Todd

Jonny,
OK, where do I begin? First don't print this thing on your site, cause I'm on a public terminal and I ain't got the time to be funny or spell right. Any way bikes EVERYWHERE! It's insane and they are all POS. I hear folks break out the good china on the weekend. Ok, so the first night on the evening news sports cast was 10 minutes of the Telekom press conference. Then after Seinfeld and before Letterman is a half hour porn show called "Men Love Sex" right on freakin' FOX. These Dutch are wacky! What it's boiling down to my man is that a trip to Europe is (should) be in the cards for you. By the way (screw BTW), I want to be DC's Euro correspondent for the spring races. This is providing that I can afford the train and don't get my ass lost on the way there. I'm not sure if I'll have the digital camera up and running by then, but I hope so. Gotta run, I'm at a public terminal and the guilders are streaming by. Write back when you can, See ya and say hey to all the chumps at Domenic's and BW,

P.S. The Giant interview is tomorrow, i'll fill you in on that one when I can. tot ziens.

I can't wait to hear what it's like to eat fried potatoes covered with mayonnaise, wolf down sausages, and drink beer like it's going out of style while taking in a spring classic. Fuck, I need money. Anyone want to send me to Europe?

Anyone actually want to use a chat room on this site? I have something in the mix, but I never use chat rooms, and I'm not sure I give a fuck. It could be fun, but it could also be real lame.

This is the type of chat room I want to have. It just says 'Drunk Cyclist' doesn't it?


 
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