|
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Fuck bin
laden
|
I might as well tell you now, I'm not going to be able to update
the site for awhile. I'm moving on to a new shit hole rental this
Saturday. My phone service, for reasons I'm not sure I understand,
cannot be switched back on at the new place until the 18th. Then
Verizon tells me they want another ten days after that for the DSL
to be hooked back up. That puts me to the 28th. Fuck me. And, I'm
not even going to get started on how much all this is gonna cost
me. Oh, fuck me, the 28th? |
I'll be chillin at my sisters place down in Scottsdale, Arizona by
then. I can update from there. I will be able to check emails, and hit
up the message boards a few times down at Cactus Computers, my local
DSL provider. How much time do they want to switch over my account to
the new address? About thirty seconds. It's all business down with those
guys. Verizon could stand to learn a few things from those assholes.
Look for a full blown, porn laden, big jonny style update between Christmas
and the new year.
Here is another one of your Christmas presents:
Don't forget us here at drunkcyclist. We'll be back and kicking all
types of ass in the new year. Don't forget '02 is my year, I own it.
Just so you know.
gift
gift
gift
gift
gift
Now this is what I'm talking about.
|
From: northwave
Subject: Drunkcyclist International
Jon
Reckon you should seriously consider this team as an international
op. I'm sure your British fans would be proud to wear a DC jersey.
Let me know what you think and I'll do a straw poll on the interest...
laters
northwave
oh almost forgot:
check this out - celebsxxx.fsn.net
|
My man, I am down for whatever comes down the road. If I end up being
the only North American racer on an otherwise entirely British team,
fine. I'll be kicking ass
and taking names all by myself then. I just leaves more ass
for me I figure. None of this sharing the wealth crap. I want all the
ass.
If I end up with twenty guys here and another twenty across the pond,
that's even better yet. The more the merrier.
I think the only thing that matters is how incredible it would be
to see people racing in a jersey that says drunkcyclist.com. And we're
pretty much a straight up porn site. With a little social commentary
and race results thrown in. Sure, we have one of the finest editorial
staffs (me) going in the world today, but we know our strengths: Porn.
Smut.
Whores.
You gotta play to your strengths, right? Now this is exactly the type
of talent I'm hoping to sign up.
|
From: Mat
Subject: Jerseys
Hey Jonny,
I want one of the jerseys I'm just wondering how long it will be
til you order them. I was gonna get the parents to pop for one for
xmas, but after an incident involving large amounts of beer, grain
alcohol, a chair, and a car trunk and window that resulted in $1500
in damage they're not so keen on anything having to do with drunk.
I'll have cash by January 2nd if it's still possible to get one
by then, let me know. Oh yeah, I want a road home or general aggravation
in medium.
-Mat
Lehigh Cycling |
I already wrote Mat back with the gory details, but in case your wondering,
it's like this. Right now we're collecting orders and as soon as we
hit the minimum, or close enough that I can afford to cover the rest,
the presses start rolling. It's that simple.
Cyclingnews
has an interview with one of my heroes, billy freakin' badass, Laurent
Jalabert. While you're there, don't miss what Jan
Ullrich has to say about next season and the Tour.
he he he.
Well folks, life's a bitch. When I move this weekend, I won't be back
online for a week to ten days. Fuck you too, Verizon. I'm going to try
to pull some update action out of my ass in the interim. But, no promises
on that one.
I hate to always be pushing the jersey issue, but that is exactly
what I'm going to do. I need you to order up what you want and soon.
I know, I know, get off your nuts already. But, seriously, we can't
get them printed up with out some orders. I know some of your guys out
there are like, "jonny, put me down for a jersey". Hey, that's great
and all, but I need to know what size you want and which style.
Maybe this letter says it best.
|
From: response
Subject: jerseys
Alright,
The jerseys look good. 62 a throw is stiff but doable. However,
I believe that you have given us drunken cyclists way too much credit
as far as brain cells go.
1. too many choices, for a 1st edition thing maybe you should limit
our choices, make our decisions for us so the we can continue being
the lazy dumb slobs we always were.
2. 5 sizes?? I've never worn a jersey before and have no idea what
size I would be. Maybe its time to go to supergo and try on theirs?
(without taking a shower 1st of course) or do you have a size chart?
3. is there a time limit on this offer? if so what is it?? if not,
maybe you should put a cap on it to pressure us assholes into doing
something proactive besides jerking off to all the goddamn porn
that you post.
4. I would like to suggest a dc teeshirt too, I would buy a few
of them cause theres nothing better than blowing by the lycra wearing
leg shaving helmet wearing law-abiding pack in a paor of hiking
shorts and a cotton teeshirt flapping in the breeze. Or impressing
you friends family and business associates with the tasteful and
understated dc logos.
Just a few thoughts
Oh yeah and naked ho's on bikes. |
I'll try to answer all of that as best I can.
1) We were going to just pick one the three designs and run with it,
but we like them all. And, everyone I showed them to liked different
ones. So, we figured, throw them all out there and let you guys order
what you like.
2) I gotta cover all the bases on sizes. As much as it surprises me,
fans of this site come in all different shapes and size. All creatures
big and small, I guess. Order the same size jersey as the T-shirt you
wear. It's a safe bet.
3) There is now time limit as of yet. Pretty much as soon as I get
a commitment that reaches the minimum order (or at least close, I'll
cover the nut) we order from the manufacturer. Any extras that I order
will be in medium and large as they are the most popular sizes. So,
those of you looking for x-small and x-large, order now.
4) I've had t-shirts once, and I won't lie about it. They were a hit.
I'll do another run, but I can't do it till the end of the month. This
moving thing is drying out the fun money in a big way. Those I'll just
cover and let everyone know when I have them here on the site. I only
have one myself out of that first run, and I wish I had more. I am nothing
if not tasteful and understated.
Oh yeah, and naked
ho's on bikes.
Click here
to see all the jerseys. There is a link to a sizing chart, and click
on the jersey for a larger image showing the front and back. You can
also order from that page. It's one stop shopping at its best.
If I could I would have them sitting right next to me in a big box,
ready to go. But, with the five sizes and three designs I cannot anticipate
what you guys are gonna want and need. I myself am going to get all
three in the large size with two more for the wife in a medium. I'm
in there for five. But, I guess I have to be, I am big jonny after all.
I'm already sick of talking about this, go click the revolving jersey
link and order something damnit. I want to get this thing rolling. When
I first put up the idea on the site, over one hundred of you showed
an interest in less than a weeks time. Let's do this thing.
|
From: casey
Subject: xxx-mas
so, you may be wondering what's happening this merry-ass holiday
season. well first of all, i heard that my presents will be delivered
this year by a red-bearded stinky, drunk-as-fuck hession, er, uh,
hippy from the northland named Jerry Claus. He'll be piloting a
plastic saucer sled pulled by Jonny the big gay deer. I heard, however,
that he's not got a red nose, but a festering shiny lip herpe instead.
this excites me. I shall sleep lightly, awaiting the crash on the
roof or front porch. Jerry Claus and Jonny the big gay deer shall
take enormous delight in the platter of Schmidt's beer (half drunken
ones) and pickled hot links that I have semi-meticulously prepared
for their Casemas spirits. I may not even sleep. Instead, I may
lay face down in the back yard because they are always late, and
I always start drinking at about noon. In any case, I am sure they
will give me a right proppa wake up call, maybe some flapjacks,
teabags, of even a flying squirrel! I will most likely cry tears
of joy, and return the favor with my favorite, the Dirty Sanchez!
Good lord, I love christmas with my friends. Have a great time,
but please keep your gay deer prick out of the cheese ball thingy.
I like to eat that shit.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY JESUS!!! Fuck you all.
Robertsdrunk |
God damn, I love you too. Bikes, boobs and beers baby. That's what
makes the world go 'round.
Today I'm going to link Brian
Lopes and Hans Rey
just because I can. Who isn't impressed with what these guys have done?
I think maybe I need to make my list of procyclist sites a little
longer in the near future.
Go check out gallery
22. It's brand spanking new. They is some funny ass shit in there.
Here are some of my favorites pics.
It's moving time again. I can't tell you how much fun I'm having.
Since I'm trying to stuff everything I own in the car and drive it across
town one load at a time, I'm stuck with the "ride the rollers in the
kitchen for an hour" routine for the next few days.
For those of you that don't live where it doesn't ever stop fucking
snowing, consider yourselves lucky. You have no idea how lame my life
is.
If I don't see the sun soon, I swear to God I'm going to murder somebody.
Speaking of murder, today was my last day at Starbucks. Yep, I quit.
Good riddance.
Check out this letter I got.
|
From: mark
Subject: check this out!
first pic- naked chick w/bike!
second- your attitude at starbucks!
later-
mark |
At least I'm doing better than this poor
bastard. What the fuck was he thinking?
Always good to hear from our Northern Arizona Representative, bong
boy.
|
From: cory
Subject: balls and chains
hey big gay one...the 3rd coolest thing in the world happened today...john
and terry at COSMIC BICYCLES gave me some bike chains fer my "snow
plow". they were concerned that i would once again slam my head
on the icy snowy roads on my 2 a.m. drunkin' bike trainin'.i'm beginnin'
trainin' fer the world bike snow plow championships in idaho 2002.
just wait, i'll plow shit into the ground or be all shitty and plow
myself in the ground...you just wait.wooooooooooooo..keep real ya
two
love and smelly armpit hippy kisses...cory |
A lady walked into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Do you have
viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.
Wow, az cycling
had a new layout. I think its annoying. And the calendar, forget about
it. Just click here
for a shitty calendar, but one you can actually read.
Don't forget to order
a drunkcyclist jersey. Do it now.
And go vote.
I rode my indoor trainer for this first time this winter today. It's
really not much fun, is it? No it isn't. I guess that's why I've been
riding outside in thirty degree weather. At least then, when I pedal
for an hour, the scenery changes.
|
From: Brian
Subject: great pics
Yo Big John,
Nice site. Toshi from Bell sent me to the site and I must say I
like it. Keep up the good work and the wonderful pics.
Brian Lopes |
Our London correspondent sent in some more links for your viewing
pleasure. Check this
shit out. Click
for the main page. It's in French, I can't read any of it, and it's
cooler than shit.
Marco and his cohorts are putting on a cyclocross race this weekend.
Excellent work, my friend. Work hard, play hard.
I think I need to figure out how to use this site, and all it's momentum
to create a cycling team. It could happen.
You know how many of Arizona's Billy Bad Ass cyclists would line up
if I could get my hands on a couple of shekels, some gear, and maybe
a bike sponsor? It would be fucking incredible. I could rule the southwest.
Don't doubt me, not for a minute.
That's it, I've decided. From this moment on, I am trying to assemble
sponsorship for the 2003 race season. That gives me a year to pull something
out of my ass.
Click on this
one once, why don't ya.
This is a sad
story. At least I think it's sad, but what are you gonna do? You
can't very well have someone killed by a mountain lion, can you? And,
you can't have everyone riding their bikes around in the woods with
guns strapped to there top tubes either. I like being at the top of
the food chain, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Today's ride: two hours, in Moscow. Brrr. High 30's, maybe low 40's
at times. Maybe. It may have been windy, but it wasn't raining or snowing.
The streets were dry for the most part, dry enough anyway.
I didn't want to drive all the way down to Lewiston today. Call it
lazy if you will, but I was more than willing to take my punishment
here in town. Riding in Lewiston would have tacked a good hour and a
half on to the whole project.
Don't forget to order up your drunk
cyclist jersey. I can't order them till I start hitting the minimum.
You hear that, you bunch of stoners? I can't just sell you one out of
my car when I drive to Arizona if I don't get them printed.
I put it to you, fair reader, can breasts be to big? Click here to
find here
to find out.
And while your at it, why don't you rate
my poo. It's about time you assholes did something to earn your
keep around here. Get crackin.
Sweet suffering Christ. Maybe I need a holiday too. Fuck-n-a right
on, baby.
Everyone, say hi to Marco, our new London correspondent. Good work
Marco, very good. Here is your signing bonus, because we take care of
our own here at drunkcyclist.com
perk
perk
perk
perk
perk
Go check out this new thing I'm working on with Rob from pwc
today. We're calling it velocidadsolomente.com/.
We have a section were you can rate your local bars. It'll help all
of us that travel around from time to time. I'd like to cut out the
bullshit and know just where to find a good dive bar in a new town.
Right to the Pabst, my friend.
There is also a classified section. List all the bike shit you're
selling there. imagine telling your friends "I found this sweet deal
at boozemasters.com."
Just in case you were wondering if some lesbians are completely insane,
read this.
You tell me if that makes any God damn sense at all. You wanna know
how I read that? Don't give that women anything. Ever. If she can't
have a child without your sperm, too bad, maybe there's a reason for
that. She apparently can't raise it alone either. So much for independence.
The mystery of the "Phoenix Lights" is solved.
It was an airplane you bunch of stupid freaks. Its called reality, deal
with it.
I linked this a long time ago, and I think it needs to be a regular
thing. Check out I
smoke crack. Go to the video section and watch Jenna Jameson fuck
like all hell broke loose. I think I just messed up my shorts. Yep,
I just messed up my shorts.
So, I'm moving again. Just down the street this time, thank God for
that. The scars haven't yet healed from the last time around. Fucking
pain in my ass. Luckily most of our shit is still in boxes from the
last time and loads into the car very easily.
That's the good word for today I guess. Not much else going on. I
think I got three emails all day. Boring.
That's about it. Short update for a Sunday morning. I'll see what
else I can squeeze in later.
Don't forget to click on the hello kitty vibrator for your chance
to win yourself one of those beauties. Make someone you love very happy
this Christmas. Give the gift of love. And don't forget to stock up
on batteries.
Ho hum de dum, sitting here with this fucking stupid i-mac I just
inherited from my darling law student wife, wondering how in the hell
I'm going to make this thing work?
What a total pain in the ass, and I mean that. Microsoft may be a
monopoly, but at least I understand how to make that shit work. This
just doesn't work. Not at all. Not even a little bit. This fucking sucks.
OK, I'm finally starting to get the hang of this, but it still sucks
dick. I need something for when I go out on the road. And why buy another
laptop once you already own one I always say.
Something like that anyway.
Now I've got to figure out just how I'm going to upload all this crapola.
Since I'm switching to a completely different operating platform, I
need entirely different programs for every application. Things I've
taken for granted for the last year, now prove impossible unless I get
online and go find some freeware. Oh, it's a life I guess.
What is this girl doing, rubbing herself down with mud?
I was doing a little gardening and my clothes exploded.
I think maybe I can see her lungs
when she does that. And this one almost
makes me want to pay up and see the rest. That girl looks like bambi
in the headlights.
Yeah, so her name is luna
and she seems real nice. Said she was from France. Think it was a mistake
that I didn't use a condom?
After my shitty day at work (I think that was it, by the way. I don't
think I'm going back) I went riding down south for a little bike ride.
It was nice, around 46 degrees with a touch of wind. Not too much, but
it put a chill on things for sure. I rode for an hour and a half. Right
on schedule.
On my way back to where I had parked the car, I came across another
cyclist. I spotted him from a few hundred meters coming at me. It was
the only other person I had seen on a bike all day, and he had that
look of someone who actually rode on a regular basis.
First, he was riding a road bike. His seat wasn't four inches to low
and he turned a comfortable cadence almost effortlessly. He was almost
a mirror image of myself save for the colors of his clothes; tights,
shoe covers, long sleeves and a knit hat. I don't come across to many
other people on road bikes these days and even fewer who are in the
"serious" category. As we passed I said "Howdy" and he replied "How
ya doin." That was it.
It sure doesn't sound like much writing it now, and I'll bet it ain't
much to read. But at the time it impressed upon me the fact that even
up here in this desolate, frozen winter icefest there are other guys
and girls out riding their bikes on a Friday afternoon in the wind.
It made me feel good to know that.
Lance Armstrong beaten by single
speeder. I knew it all along.
We're all set up on the jerseys. Thanks to all of you who signed up.
Your overwhelming support really stokes us on this whole deal. I tried
to pull off a mass mailing to all of you about this, but it got denied.
Seems what I was doing to closely paralleled spam. Oh well. Lemme break
it down for ya.
Click here
and pick which jerseys you want and in what sizes. You will be connected
to pay pal. They'll take your money and keep track of which design and
what sizes are getting the most interest. When the count hits the minimum
order for the manufacturer, the presses start rolling.
In a month or so, after the holidays, the jerseys will show up at
my door. I then package and ship them to all of you.
We're going the pay pal route for two reasons: First off, by allowing
all of you to pick which sizes you want and in what design, it gives
us that all important feedback. Otherwise I could just guess what to
print, and that won't work for shit.
I will be wearing all three of the jerseys on a regular basis. But,
I'm guessing that many of you will probably choose to purchase just
one. Which one, is the key. We could very well end up selling 100 of
one design and 3 total of another. I'm pretty sure no one up here in
Idaho likes the road home jersey as much as I do. It wouldn't do me
any good to have 50 of each made, if that isn't what you, my customers
want.
Secondly, let's not kid ourselves. These things are expensive to manufacture.
I might make a few bucks off this in the end, but right now we're shooting
to break even. Neither me, nor the guys at liquor, guns and porn can
muscle up the dead presidents to print a couple hundred jerseys. We
have three designs, each available in five sizes. Do the math. There
is no way in hell I can print up a full size run in each jersey.
So, pick out what you want, and we'll start printing these mother
fuckers out. The more you guys order, the more we make. It's that simple.
Check out monica.
|
Well, it's almost Christmas time again here at drunkcyclist.com,
and you all know what that means. Free stuff.
This year drunkcyclist and pleasurebox are giving away a hello
kitty vibrator to one lucky son of a bitch. Yes, that's right,
I'm giving away a vibrator. Nothing says "I love you" at Christmas
like battery powered feminine accessories. And, if it says, "hello
kitty", forget about it. Trust me on this one. Lets just say I've
already taken care of business.
Just hit the hello kitty link to the pleasurebox homepage.
Have a look around. Hit up the message board. Scroll down till
you find the link to the product page. Once there, enter the drawing
by filling out the form directly underneath the hello kitty vibrator.
Make sure to mention that you are from drunkcyclist in the comment
box. The winner will be chosen on the first of the year, so don't
delay, sign up today. |
These guys asked for a link, so you know what? You got it. Check out
bsx-world. Don't
be frightened by the redirect. It'll happen so fast you won't even know
what hit you. Do check out their team page. Funny shit.
I'll bet your all wondering what kind of sissy bastards live up here
in Moscow. No? Well, I'm gonna tell you about it anyway. I've mentioned
"Mr. Fabulous" on the site before. Check out what my man's been up to.
|
From: Jim
Subject: RE: Lewiston
About my hand. I didn't tell you about the whole attempt at doubling
stairs thing? Well, my boy let me tell you a story...
Anyway I was out on my full sus. one night and decided to try
to jump these stairs, from the top of the first set to the middle
of the second set. About half way there I realized I was gonna
come up short, so I stuck the back end down to kind of soak up
the landing. When my back tire hit, it slammed the front end down,
which kicked me up into this nasty nose-wheelie, then slammed
me into a concrete garbage can, at about fifteen mph and shoulder
first. Somewhere in the middle of this I fucked up my wrist and
the tendons in my left hand/arm, now I have a temporary loss of
feeling in two fingers on the same. Unfortunately, I don't have
it on film... Anyway, my left hand is jacked and I can barely
ride so it'll probably be a while before I want to head down to
Lewiston. Sorry for questioning your manhood, anyone who runs
a thinly veiled porn site has no reason to question their virility...or
have it questioned. |
I like the way his biggest regret isn't the trying or the coming up
short part. It's the not having it on film part that really bums him
out.
Maybe Jim's right and road bikes are sissy. Maybe I am the biggest
sissy in Moscow. Oh, the shame. The shame. My dog won't even look at
me. If fact, she growls when I enter the room.
So I get this massive letter in my mailbox. I don't know who these
guys are, but they sound like more fun than a barrel of drunk monkeys.
And what a race report. I could hold up the end of my sofa with this
thing. Holy shit, the professionalism astounds me. Were these guys at
Ragbrai?
|
From: Travis
Subject: Race Report: Frank Tuesday #1
great site!
just thought you might like to hear about a bit of chaos from the
midwest.
here is a race report (pieced together from what is remembered)
from two of the participants.
names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Part I
Seems the combination of the weather and the proximity to Thanksgiving
kept the field small. Haha. You'd already seen enough of your
family for the weekend and the weather was perfect for riding.
Anyway, the race got off to a blistering pace, with Travis ordering
a pitcher of margaritas. Not to be outdone, the latecomer Zeke,
ordered a pitcher as well. . Finally Eric arrived with a Guinness,
and Zeke, not to be outdone, counter attacked with a Guinness
of his own. Just as it looked as if Zeke was taking control of
the race, Travis snuck in for another round as Zeke readied his
mount. This left us with Travis and Zeke tied for the lead, followed
closely by Mike, with Eric a bit further back. Brian left round
one with no points.
Then, in an incredible show of self restraint, The flow of alcohol
stopped and the race moved outside and onto our race ready steeds.
The race readiness would not last as Eric unleashed a topedo at
the unsuspecting Travis. The bikes collided, but Travis was able
to keep his composure and stayed upright. The ensuing melee reminded
me much of the battle scenes in Top Gun, with the riders battling
for superiority. Carelessly, Mike left his bike unattended on
the ground, and it recieved a terrible beating at the hands of
Eric, Travis and Brian for his trouble. The wise and thoughtful
Zeke smartly kept his bike out of harms way until we departed.
With his display of courage in the parking lot, Travis took a
slight lead over Zeke, and Eric closed right in behind. Brian
put some numbers on the board, but was unable to come to terms
with Mike, who had a poor showing in the second round. The standing
were as followed: Travis, Zeke, Eric, Mike and Brian.
Finally, the five of us departed the Guac. We were sad. Up until
now, no one had been on the ground. That would soon change...
Part II
I look to my left, a rider flies over his bars, twisting to
and fro as he plummets to the ground below. Ouch. Nice one, Zeke.
The othersride in circles, seemingly unconcerned about the condtion
of their fallen comrade. Once it is apparent he is OK, we finally
get around to checking on him. Prognosis: dropped chain. Easily
fixed and we are on our way again. We dive into the drainage ditch,
carving the turns and avoiding the pot holes. As we approach the
end, Travis falls trying to get out. Mike and Eric are close behind
and plow into him, leaving a tangled mess of man and machine,
with Travis at the bottom lying in a puddle of sewer juice. We
all struggle to get out, our cleats providing little traction
on the steep, slick concrete. All but Brian score well on round
three, leaving the standing the same, but Brian falling further
behind. The final round. It will take a miracle for Brian to pull
through, but the rest are all close in points. Any one of them
could come out of this as the champion. The race starts, and it
soon becomes clear that it is a race for second. Eric has set
a blistering pace, leaving the others fighting for scraps. With
Eric out of sight, the rest decide it is better to stop the others
from finishing rather than push too hard. It starts with a runaway
bike down a steep hill. Mike is able to move at the last minute,
but Travis took it square on the bars. The projectile was thrown
into the woods leaving Brian to fetch it. The remainder of the
three laps was an absolute war zone, complete with dogfights,
ambush, bike theft and sabotage. How anyone came out alive and
with their bike in once piece is beyond me.
Eric took top points in the final round. He was able to get
out ahead of the rest, and as a result, wasn't victimized by the
rest. A fierce battle for second saw Mike just pip Brian to the
line, with Zeke a minute back. Sadly, Travis was unable to finish
the race. When asked later, he replied, "Anyone can finish. It
takes real courage to quit." This hurt his point total, taking
away a podium finish.
The points from all four rounds are totalled. Brian, with a
poor showing in rounds one and three finished dead last. Travis
gave up a good showing with his amazing display of courage in
round four, ending in fourth place overall. Zeke had a good showing
in the final round and was able to overhall Travis into third
overall. With his fantastic second place in the final round, Mike
jumped two places to second overall. Never far behind in the first
three rounds Eric put on an incredible display of riding prowess
to make the jump into first place. Congratulations, Eric. We made
our way back to the Guac, but were unwilling to pay the cover
charge. The awards presentation took place on a makeshift podium
outside.
Notes
*Five riders, five gears. Not one stinking derauilleur in the
bunch.
*Disc brake rotors don't stand up to derbying too well.
*Wet rocks are slick.
*Mud is muddy.
Special thanks to (in order of appearance) Travis, Mike, Zeke
andEric.
One man does not a race make. Display your medals proudly.
Race #6 coming soon. Details at eleven.
Cheers,
Frank Tuesday.
Part III
It just goes to show....you never leave a party til its over.
Something is always bound to happen after your departure.
The Setting: Guacamole Grill
Time: Late
After a birage of strange looks and even stranger questions
at The Daily Limit, we decided to return to the Guacamole Grill.
I believe Travis was the first one in. He somehow managed to escape
the cover charge, thus inspiring the rest of us. We all managed
to make our way in with complete disregard to the cover charge.
We immediately converged on the bar and ordered up a flow of Guinness
that could only be rivaled by the richest oil wells in Texas.
After a couple of rounds Travis and Brian gave their regards
and left.
The flow of alcohol must have had some influence in setting
the stage. Overcome by the creamy goodness of Guinness and inspired
by the intricate mixing of music...Eric was overcome. He began
dancing like he's never danced before. Then out of the corner
of his eye he spied a goodess in 3M plaid with a horseshoe shaped
nose piercing. She was like a siren...dancing seductively around
him. Taunting, teasing, drawing him in closer and closer. She
beckoned Eric up the stairs onto the most valuable of properties...the
platform. Her eyes were inviting him in closer and closer. Then
as suddenly as it had began it ended. She dashed off to the far
end of the bar, grabbed a young woman and began kissing her passionately.
Eric only looked stunned for a second. If you had blinked, you
would have missed it. Recovering like only a pro could, he gathered
around the rest of us. Just when it seemed we had only been there
for a few minutes...the night was declared over by the Guac. We
made our way out of the bar into the parking lot.
The Setting: The Parking Lot of The Guac.
The Players: Eric, Mike and Zeke.
This is where it gets fuzzy. Eric, Zeke and I were standing
around talkiing about the nights events. We were discussing the
next weekends upcoming Guinness Toast and how important an event
such as that was. Three young ladies walked pass us to their car.
Some pleasantries were exchanged and then they entered their vehicle.
The car started and they were off, or at least we thought. The
car rolled about 50 feet straight forward and stopped after hitting
the sidewalk. Seeing an opportunity...I approached with caution.
After asking if they were ok, we resumed the line of questioning
that was so prevailent in The Daily Liimit. Eric and Zeke were
just sitting cross legged in the parking lot...waiting....watching.
The young ladies asked why they were sitting there like that.
I actually believe my response was that they were buddhist monks...meditating.
They soon exited the vehicle and attacked my unsuspecting partners.
It was a free for all. One of the women started shouting at her
friend, "Show your TITS!, Show your TITS!" Her friend, not to
be called out, bent over, placed her hands around the neck (low
cut) of her shirt. She slowly pushed the neck down lower and lower.
About the time the thought, "Holy Shit...those are her nipples!"
popped into my head her friend jumped up. She looked at us, winked,
and said watch this. She ran over to her friend, threw her onto
the hood of a nearby truck and once again shouted, "I said show
your TITS!" She then grabbed her friends shirt and yanked down.
Breasts plummeted before our eyes. Eric, Zeke and I were stunned.
We just sat there admiring the scene unfolding before us. We stood
up and advanced upon our prey. After freeing her friends breasts
and not wanting to be outdone. The instigator simply stated, "
You think thats something...then check this out!" With that said,
she hiked up her skirt revealing one of the nicest black thongs
you've ever seen. She then began to rub her ass on Eric. Eric
had the look of a small child at Christmas. It was pure heaven.
To make a longer story short, eventually the ladies succombed
to the beckoning of gas station burritoes. We all bid our good
byes and the night came to an end. Some of us were home in our
beds 15 minutes later....and some of us were driving to the northland,
then to independence and then finally home.....but thats another
story.
I hope to see you all at the second race in the series....Race
Six. Details coming soon. |
Word.
Here is the tentative Arizona 2002 road racing schedule. I guess it
isn't quite written in stone yet, but you get the idea. Click here.
This next letter is in the "feel good" category.
|
From: Scott
Subject: Stinkin Poo Cyclists
So I was out running errands at lunch the other day, driving (sue
me). and I was on this road that I used to ride on the way to elementary
school on my purple stingray (bananna seat, coaster brake, apehanger
bars, and a badassmofo 1" square-cut slick on the back, baby!).
The road's got a motherfucker of a hill (when you're eight) that
used to kick my ass every time. To make it worse, it's got this
long-ass, straight, slightly uphill approach, so you get to suffer
fwhile you're thinking about how much you're going to suffer (when
you're eight) getting over this motherfucker of a hill.
So I'm driving along in my gas-guzzling pickup truck, reminiscing
about the purple stingray, when I see this guy, struggling to
get his fat ass over the hill. Hey, it's Austin, so at a distance,
I see his girth, and dorky helmet, and immediately assume it's
one of those fuckwits who lost his license and went out and bought
a $5,000 Cannondale to compensate for the loss of his precious
motherfucking Expedition or Sequoia or whatever.
Sweet Jesus but I hated those guys when I worked at the bikeshop
- here I was saving every penny so I could afford a prodeal on
a Marin hardtail (which was a motherfucking sweet deal) and these
bastards waltz in and drop the platinum card on the counter for
the Santa Cruz Ultralight like it's nothin'. And you know they're
buying it so they'll look 'rad' when the ride to work. Fuckers.
Only good thing about them is that you could steer them into buying
almost any bike in the shop as long as it had enough whiz-bang
gadgetry on it.
So anyway I'm getting closer all the time, gettin' all worked
up about fat bastards on $5k bikes who wouldn't know a bunnyhop
from a squirrel in a hotbox, when suddenly like the clouds parted
and angels started singing and Jenna Jamison pissed LoneStar Beer
from the heavens on a hot Summer day, I can see that:
* it's a one speed
* he's wearing an old, ratty-ass, sweatstained jersey
* that helmet's gotta be at least 12 years old
And just like that, it's obvious that what you got here is an
old-skool hammerhead who fell from grace, and is now out on his
lunch hour, stompin tha motherfuckin pedals on his brand-new Surly
onespeed. Motherfuck the grey in his beard. Motherfuck the fat
that won't let him wear his old cycling shorts. Motherfuck anything
that's gonna stop him, this guy's cranking his fat, old, tired
ass up a hill that hasn't given me trouble since I turned 10,
and he's proud He's flyin his colors, sporting the ratty old jersy,
and what looks like a leMonde cap under his helmet. This guy is
long, strong, and bound to get the friction on.
I'm so proud of this guy that I just can't help it - I roll
down the window, lay on the horn,and give him the big "one muthafukkin
speed!!" shout-out. Scared the crap outta him. What can you do
with old guys?
Later,
Scott from Austin |
I figure that letter would be a nice counter part to Casey's kill
'em all rant yesterday. Man, I love you guys, sniff.
This is also in the "feel good" category.
This is not in the "feel good" category.
|
From: Casey
Subject: Cyclist's death was murder, jury decides<
I remember reading about this fucker last winter. Made me choke
up when I read about the guy getting run over. Bittersweet victory
of sorts, I guess.
--------------------
Cyclist's death was murder, jury decides
--------------------
By Kirsten Scharnberg
Tribune staff reporter
December 5, 2001
In an emotional end to a complicated trial, Carnell Fitzpatrick
was found guilty of first-degree murder Tuesday in a case Cook
County prosecutors have called the first local incident of road
rage in which a bicyclist was killed by an angry driver intent
on seeking revenge for a minor traffic dispute.
"When you have a three-ton vehicle and maybe a 20-pound bicycle,
that is no even match," Assistant State's Atty. Lynda Peters said
moments after the verdict. "It's very skewed."
The verdict came after a Cook County jury had deliberated for
more than 16 hours over two days. During that time, they had sent
the judge a note asking for legal clarification about the definition
of reckless homicide. The jury had been given the option of convicting
Fitzpatrick on the lesser charge. They also were allowed to view
for a second time a videotaped statement given by an eyewitness
to the April 26, 1999, accident that left bike messenger Tom McBride,
26, dead.
Fitzpatrick, 31, faces 20 to 60 years in prison. He had been
out of jail on bond throughout the five-day trial but was taken
into custody after the ruling. He sobbed as sheriff's deputies
led him from the courtroom.
In the courtroom gallery, emotions were high on both sides of
the aisle. Before the verdict was announced, a half dozen courthouse
deputies came into the room, standing in the center of the room,
between those who were there in support of Fitzpatrick and those
who were family, friends and former colleagues of McBride.
When the verdict came, Fitzpatrick's wife screamed and ran from
the room. Her sobs could still be heard inside the courtroom as
Judge Kenneth J. Wadas polled the jury.
In the front row, Robert McBride, the victim's father, quietly
shook and cried. His wife, Mary Ellen, leaned against a son, tears
running down her cheeks.
"We're grateful for them," Mary Ellen McBride said of the state's
attorney's office as she left the courtroom. "They put on an outstanding
case."
One of the primary elements of the trial had been the eyewitness
testimony of Jerry Carter III, a Chicago man who had been jogging
near the scene of the accident in the 5300 block of West Washington
Boulevard.
During pretrial motions, Carter had refused to testify about
what he had told police and later a grand jury: that he had seen
Fitzpatrick deliberately run down McBride after the cyclist shouted
curse words during a near-collision. He had also refused to testify
during the trial and had done so under orders of the judge, recanting
what he had earlier told authorities.
Carter had claimed he had been threatened to not testify and
had warned prosecutors that he would lie on the stand. Peters,
one of the two prosecutors, said after the trial that the state's
attorney's office has no plans to pursue perjury charges against
Carter.
Throughout much of the trial, the courtroom was packed with
Chicago-area bike messengers and sport cyclists. After the verdict,
George Christensen broke down as he talked about McBride, a Chicago
bike messenger for seven years with whom Christensen had worked
for many years. "My toughest day of messengering--through extreme
cold, extreme heat, whatever--was the day after he was killed,"
Christensen said in the hallway outside Courtroom 301. "I could
really feel his presence that day." Christensen said he hoped
the verdict would send a signal to drivers that "vehicles are
murder weapons." He added that he thought the trial's outcome
would give "bicyclists a little insurance that the law is on their
side." "It could have happened to any of us," he said. "We've
all had these confrontations." Fitzpatrick's lawyer, veteran defense
attorney Sam Adam, declined to comment on the verdict. Fitzpatrick,
who was transported to the Cook County Jail, is due back in court
on Jan. 15 for post-trial motions and possibly sentencing.
Copyright (c) 2001, Chicago Tribune
I also remember reading that it was a hit and run and the guy
turned himself in after he discovered that his license plate was
missing. It was under the body of the cyclist. |
We've almost got the whole jersey thing all figured out. I wanted
to thank all of you that have signed up so far. It's going to be great.
|
From: marco
Subject: RE: RE: another link for you
And today we have, in the best spirit of christianity, a jolly Swedish
Advent calendar for all your readers out there who celebrate Our
Lord's joyous birthday:
http://hem.passagen.se/eargasm/julkalender/index.htm
You can only open the days that have so far elapsed. If you
want to cheat you have to set the date on your PC ahead to the
day you want to open.
regards
marco |
I love Christmas, and I love boobs. I am now in heaven.
|
From: casey
Subject: sometimes it sucks
I gotta tell you, big man, sometimes I hate bikes. Every now and
then you run into some loser who owns a bike for all the wrong reasons:
"my wife sucks", "i have no friends anywhere else", "i can't afford
a ferrari, so i'll use up garage space with this $5000 bike.", "i
love the clothes" .
It's really not the bike's fault. Bikes are a lifestyle, people.
If youre one of the suckies who needs attention, and gets it by
riding your gay ass colnago to Circle K every sunday in hopes
of intercepting some ladies from the group ride, I Hate You. You
make me embarrased. You are like the gay uncle at a family reunion.
You are the burning paper bag full of shit on my porch. And
I will not step on you, mister shitbag. That will only make matters
worse, because then you will be all over my shoe. I will let you
burn out, dealing with the shit-on-fire smell all the while. You
will not be extinguished on my porch, shitbag. I'd rather watch
you burn. And burn, you will.
My lifestyle is fine without you. Here's what I like : the guy
who almost vomits at the price of the fresh tank of gas in his
new SUV. He's so repulsed by his bad gas burning habit that he
drives his sucky bean steamer off a fuckin' cliff and goes to
his local shop. My hero then purchases a new shiny Surly. He rides
it to the local shithole bar, gets full-diaper drunk, laughing
at all the fat car-parts-guys, pukes on them, and then rides home.
He kisses his wife, apologizes for being late, she doesn't care,
then gives him head. That guy should be president. I made that
guy up, but wouldn't you be friends with him?
Anyways, when i'm super pissed and don't know what to say, I
write to you, mister jonny. then I go out and ride in the awesome
phoenix rain and think of a bunring paper bag full of poo.
peace. |
With things that fucking brilliant showing up in my mail box, I can
absolutely freewheel through this update. Casey is the man, hands down.
Man I'm hearing you. I can't wait to come down there and fire up a
big old bag of dog shit on your porch for ya. Just because I care.
The best part? I'm posting your letter and my reply word for word.
Just because I care.
Another day riding in Lewiston. Yee haa. Thank fucking God for that
place. If I couldn't loose 2,000 vertical feet and gain ten degrees
in thirty miles of driving I'd go crazy.
Lewiston is in a valley. It is a lot like the Verde Valley in Arizona.
With a much sharper drop. I think you loose every inch of that two thousand
feet in the last seven miles. The road just plunges down.
The hills that make up the valley were all capped with snow today.
It made for some nice views when I rode. When I left Moscow, it was
33 degrees and snowing. Lewiston was 45, with sunshine. I swear to God,
I saw the sun today. It was just like I remembered it.
Make sure to go check out dropmachine.
|
From: John
Subject: Flight of the Pigs
Right now I'm stuck in fucking Indiana, but I'm out of here for
AZ for 2 weeks for the holidays. It sounded like you were going
to be around Phoenix soon. I missed the Flight of the Pigs ride
that sucks big nuts. Would you and/or anyone else want to ride the
route the day after X-mas, or any day.
Thanks for site too, It helps remind me that I'm only stuck in Indiana
until I get my degree and then I'm out of here to where the majority
of the population can not operate a combine.
-John |
My brother, you are preaching to the choir. I've decided that I am
not living in Idaho, I am only vacationing here. You see, none of this
is my real life. These toothless rednecks, this endless snow and biting
cold. It's all just a harmless little vacation. Just my cabin up in
the mountains. I can leave any time.
Oh God, shoot me.
|
From: marco
Subject: RE: another link for you
Hi there
Heres another one for you, dont know if youve seen this before:
real-life-amateurs.com/ladies.shtml
theres about a years worth of porn there - and most of its real
even if some of it is a bit shonky. Much better dont you agree?
- no plastic tits, no photographers studios, no soft focus lenses,no
fake struggling pouts, just loads of pics of chicks with spotty
arses taken on cheap cameras.
Fantastic!!!
regards
marco
london |
Ha, he said shonky. Yeah, it's that and scary,
foul,
nasty,
grim
and frightening
I did find some stand out moments, though. Just to be fair. Click
here
and here
and here.
black
velvet and that little boy smile
I have no idea what's going on at this site. None at all. What language
is that anyway, German? Click here
to give it a go yourself.
This is a bad ass slot car racing game.
Build yourself a track and give that parrot a run for his money, that
no good bastard.
This is one of the coolest
pages I have ever seen in my entire life. And I thought the gym
I was going to sucked it. Go ahead, click on the devil
head, I dare ya.
Here is another great site
called break it, ride it and fix it. In that order too, please. Let's
all try and be professionals. Did I mention that they're giving
away a free set on Avid brakes?
A man has got to have his heroes.
I drove the thirty miles to Lewiston today so I could actually ride
a bike. Moscow sits squarely at 2,500 feet above sea level. Lewiston
is at 500. It's a good ten degrees warmer down there on any given day.
That's a pretty big deal when it's fucking 38 degrees up here like it
was today. It's the different between a foot of snow and no snow at
all.
You know, aside from the paper mill, and its a big aside, Lewiston
ain't all that bad. I can't even begin to tell you had bad a paper mill
smells. It's not as bad as a rotting beef carcass. It's not as bad as
the burning fire water you piss out of your ass after a night of drinking
Pabst by the gallon. But, it's a strong third.
The worst smells in the world break down like this:
rotting beef carcass
beer shits
paper mill |
That, and brianna
banks is made for sin. God damn, can a brother get a witness?
And, sylvia
saint ain't far behind her. No sir. Or, nikki
nova and wendy
leigh. And, whoever the fuck this stone faced, big chested slut
is. Whores, all of 'em.
Someone asked me today, he said, "Jonny, someone should create an
interactive game where you have a naked girl bent over and you have
a fuck stick that you have to poke her available holes. and if you time
your thrust wrong you may end up with a chocolate turban on your jimi
or having it look like a french fry you just dipped in ketchup."
And I said, "Right on."
You find it, and I'll post it. It'll be fun.
New gallery for ya, now we're up to number 20.
Well, hot damn. I'm a few days late with this one, but Frank
Vandenbroucke is going to ride for Domo next year. Coolest team
on the planet, hands down. The 1,2 and 3 finish in Paris - Roubaix,
Virenque
in Paris - Tours, I love those guys.
It seems that my new home state of Idaho has taken the top honors
in the IMBA mountain bike report, which lists all 50 states on quality
of riding and so forth. The riding around the state capital, Boise,
was mentioned. That's 300 miles south of where I'm at, so it hardly
matters. Read more about it here
I bust some chops from time to time, but this place ain't so bad.
It's just covered with fucking snow right now. So, who cares how nice
the riding is if you can't ride for the next four months.
Beatle and all around man of great musical influence George Harrison,
has
died. It is a sad, sad day.
I just can't believe that it's December already. Man, time really
flies when you're dying for fun. I can't wait to go back to Phoenix
in three (3), count 'em three (tres) weeks. Then it's sunshine and ass
banging the Garden Gnome.
Now we have the three types of Drunkcyclist / liquor, guns and porn
jerseys up for you to check
out. I couldn't decide on which to make first, looks like we're gonna
try and make 'em all instead.
Someone told me about this website a bit back, and I don't think I
ever linked to it. Not yet anyway. Go check out american
jackass. You just can't beat a name like that for a website. I wonder
if they would trade me?
I've got to link to these guys too, nsmb.com.
Cool site. They even have a classified
section and some kick ass photo
galleries.
Oh, you gotta see this.
Thanks Brett, for that wonderful link. Ole!
I'm glad to see someone out there likes
the new Ron Jeremy movie. Oh, it is so gonna kick ass.
This game is so fucked. I like it even more that the scooter death
one. I don't even know where to start, just try it out yourself. Click
here
to check it out. And say, "Thank you, Scott" when you're playing it.
|
From: Wallace
Subject: POLAND JOINS THE COALITION
POLAND JOINS THE COALITION--GOD BLESS THEM
Polish Marines stormed Bloomingdale's Department Store in New York
yesterday after its intelligence agency reported that Bed Linen
was on the fourth floor. No one
was hurt. |
He he he, oh boy. God damn Polacks. Here is some crappy news from
Phoenix.
|
From: Greg
Subject: Trek's Demo Rig Stolen
Greg from Trek here... been a while since we've spoken. Did Mormon,
National, Telegraph to Desert Classic the day after Thanksgiving
with some of the boys and thought of you. Rides like that in November
almost make this hell hole bearable year round.
On to more important things... bad things. Trek's Demo Trailer
was stolen from my place in Tempe yesterday. Eric (our demo guy)
lost a fleet of 2300's, 5200's, Fuel 98's, Klein Adept Pro's,
some e-z ups, his CR125 and some tools. The trailer was a 14"
Wells Cargo decaled top to bottom with Trek & VW logos. The whole
fleet is probably in Nogales by now but it doesn't hurt to put
the word on the street. |
Consider the word to be now on the street. I can't believe it. Well,
actually I can. Phoenix is like that. I had a motorcycle stolen once
from right in front of my house. It was chained up and everything, the
bastards just cut it. The best part? It was on my birthday.
|
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