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This page is all about bikes, boobs and beers. If you don't like it, you can go to hell.


  Sunday, April 29, 2001
Looking forward to a nice little 'ol bike ride this afternoon with some of the complete jackasses I work with and call friends. Plenty of single speeds and the "it's funny when friends crash and get hurt" attitude. Always makes for a good time.

Finally got a start on the new Jenna Jameson gallery. It's a labor of love, really. And, some new naked Asian chick photos showed up in the mailbox, so I just had to post them too. Outstanding work, gentleman. Keep sending me porn.

Got an interesting phone call today. I guy I went to high school with back in Pennsylvania is here in Phoenix on a business trip. He heard that I was living out here, so he looked me up in the phone book. I haven't laid eye's on this guy in, shit, it's got to be something like seven years.

I met him for dinner and we caught up on old times. My Dad's retired, his is about to. My sister's married, his has a son. We're both married. Quite a few things change in the better part of ten years.

When I started talking to him, it seemed like I saw him last week. It's amazing that so much time can go by and nothing really seems to change about the type of person you are. He's still the same guy. He still laughs at the same jokes. Pretty cool stuff.

On another, but equally fun topic, I'm going to post a series of e-mails tomorrow. Oh, you have no idea. It's fucking great. A guy sends a girl note. Girl finds out she's not the only girl. Girl forwards love letter to all guys contacts. Some of the contacts write back. Girl writes contacts back. Contacts write back again. It just goes on and on and on. So, tomorrow you can live through the pain of others, as I have. It's family type, feel good shit.


  Saturday, April 28, 2001
Man, did I see a cool thing at the bike shop today. One of my co-workers had a couple of bikes stolen out of his garage around November or December. This would have been before he started working at the shop, but anyway, guess what some Mexican kid brought in today with a flat tire?

You guessed it. One of the stolen bikes. Can you imagine what it must be like to greet a customer at the door, say, "Yeah, sure man. I can fix your tire today. Roll your bike on in." And then see this fucking jackass bring in your own bike. It sure could've gotten ugly. We called the cops, and yadda yadda yadda, stolen bike returned.

What a fucking weird thing to see unfold in front of your eyes. I almost can't explain it. The range of emotions I witnessed today was absolutely amazing. Real cool day.


  Friday, April 27, 2001
Got this link in the mail, go check this mother out. It's about the coolest stick figure, ass kicking animation I've ever seen. Real Billy bad ass stuff. You'll like it, I guarantee it.

I want to be him... I think this might be the best blow job pic I've seen in awhile. It goes with today's "best of" theme. And, it's porn, so I'm all for it. You just can't beat a look like that. What a lucky piece of shit that guy is. I hope he gets hit by a cement truck. Pussy.

I need to let go of the anger, man. Maybe I should sell my belongings and buy a VW bus. I could go live up in the woods in places like Flagstaff, Tahoe and Crested Butte. I could ride my bike all day, every day. I could be at peace with all the creatures of the forest. Walt Fucking Disney. It's got to beat this gig. It has too. I could be big hippie jonny. I could wish for miracles, eat nothing but rocks, twigs and other vegetarian fare. Maybe I'll even grow a beard like fucking bong boy.

Nah, I'd rather shoot myself.

My brother in law shot himself in the food once. Well, he shot the ground next to his foot and pieces of the bullet went into his foot from the side. That's the story, anyway. As far as I'm concerned, he shot himself in the foot is sufficient.

I wonder what hurts worse? The bullet, or the knowing that you just pulled a total dumbass move? Pain is temporary, taunting lasts forever.

My fat stupid ass should try pedaling something around today. It's an awfully nice day here in Phoenix. It would be a shame to waste it drinking coffee, playing catch with my dog, and just sitting around on the back porch like I've been doing. Yeah, that would be a real shame. I'd feel guilty if I did just that.

I should probably explain and apologize to everyone that keeps getting fucked up messages from me. You see, I am one of those unlucky bastards that used AOL. That's right. I am an American Online Bitch. Hey, that's what I got. I don't have a lot of options where I live. No DSL, no cable, no broadband. Nothing, nada, nuca.

It sucks to be me. Anyway, AOL just plain fucking sucks and it screws up a good bit of the text in messages I send out. I always receive text OK, but about half the fucking .jpgs don't come through either. I've tried calling these people and whatnot, but the problem is that AOL wants you, the client, to use all the features they offer. It doesn't work well with Outlook Express, or any other mail server, by design. Sound familiar? Incompatibility and planned obsolesce. What is this, Shimano?

So, aside from the fact that, yes, I am a total dumbass, it really isn't all my fault. I'll try to rectify the situation. But, who knows, it may be all jacked up like this for a good while. I'm open to any suggestions. Like what in the hell to put as my outgoing mail server. Right now it reads: imo-m03.mx.aol.com. Since that works like shit, I'm open to trying about anything else. Oh, I should add that fuck_aol.com and aol=nazis.com don't work either. So don't mail me suggesting I try those two, because I'm way ahead of you on that one.


  Thursday, April 26, 2001
Today is my mom's birthday. She told me that turning 55 sucks. I think I probably believe her. Some day I guess I'll find out myself.

I like boobs

From: Ward
Subject: Funny Mofo
Dude,
I'm the tech guy for the liquorgunsandporn site and I've got to tell you that you may be one of the funniest motherfuckers I've ever come across.
If you ever make it to the armpit of the US (aka - south carolina), you've got to give Spenc and I a ring. Keep up the good shit.
Porn rules!

Thanks for the invite Ward. I think I just visited the armpit of the US a few weeks ago. Unless they just started spelling South Carolina T E X A S, we may be thinking of two different places. I should tell you that liquor, guns and porn are the things that make this life worth living. If I make it out that way, I'll let you know. Maybe we could fuck some sheep or something.

Here are three galleries I found that I really think you need to look at.

One   Two   Three

And some more Tabatha Jordan on some shit site. Not the best galleries, but it is her. And she's hot. You seeing this Dru? Remember this girl? I have got to see one of her porn movies. I think I'll probably pass out from beating on my kid brother, but what the hell.


  Wednesday, April 25, 2001
I found a copy of a letter I posted/sent to some website awhile back in response to some shit head complaining how his something or the other bike failed and blah blah blah fucking blah. His whole attitude pissed me the fuck off so much I just started writing. I think it's a pretty good description about how I feel about things. Here it is for your reading pleasure.

You broke it. Big deal. Everything breaks, or just plain wears out sooner or later. Why is it people always want shit for free? Most dealer reps. can get you a replacement frame at a discounted price. That's the best way to go. Its gonna cost you, but the manufacturer is making an effort to keep you happy and on their product.

Bicycles are not Craftsmen Wrenches. You can stroll into Sears and toss the 15 mm box wrench that you used exclusively as a pry bar everyday for two years on the counter. Without a receipt. Sears doesn't even care how you broke it. The salesperson won't even bother to ask. They just slide a new one across the counter and tell you to have a nice day.

That is not what you are buying with the purchase of a bicycle.

Nine times out of ten, a broken bicycle frame, or part, is broken because someone beat the living shit out of it. You want to do ten foot drops? By a 45 pound BMX bike. Spend around a grand, stick with the respected names like Standard, Primo, S&M and you'll be fine. You want something with 26 inch wheels and suspension that can take that kind of a beating? You'll have to spend a lot more money, and everything is going to break anyway. Forks wear out, rear shock blow out, drive trains deteriorate, frames fatigue, etc. That's life.

Why lie? Why go into the shop and hassle some poor fuck who works there for minimum wage? You won't win any friends pulling stunts like that. Most shop guys will do what they can to help you. So don't bullshit them. Tell them the truth and ask what they can do for you. They will want to keep you as a customer right up until the point you make it obvious that you're a pain in the ass lying piece of shit cheapskate. Then they will let you go out the door unhappy and vowing never to return, and feel good about it.

Man, I was feeling it that day.

In other fun news, I felt like hell today. I felt terrible and who calls me in the morning? Fucking Forbes, that's who. I knew it was going to hurt, but jeez. That guy is a fucking ox. He popped me twice. On the flat! I wanted to kill myself. I just can't believe how freaking tough that guy is. The son of a bitch only rides at one speed: hard.

It totally sucked. Ol' Gnome of the Garden was there. I hope it hurt him too. Thank God it didn't last all that long. Three hours is plenty of time to feel like a freaking loser. Oh yes it is. Three hours is more than enough time to get really sick of staring at his ass and pleading with any deity I can imagine to please, please, please knock it off with that headwind already.

I rode straight into the wind in three different directions today. East, west and then south. All headwind. How is that possible? Have I really sinned that much already? I was just getting warmed up.

Shit fire. La Vuelta de Bisbee this weekend. I'll try to scrape together some kind of report. I don't know what's going to happen in that department.


  Tuesday, April 24, 2001
Sometimes I sit down in front of this here computer and I have nothing to say. Nothing. I tell you this much: I'm fucking tired. Deep down, to the marrow fucking tired. I am going to sleep like the dead tonight. It's 9:00 and I can't hardly keep my eyes open.

I have so many dreams for this site. Tons of naked chicks, kick ass graphics, maybe even a for sale section. I've got a new Garden Gnome blowout page in the works. And, a new Jenna Jameson page. Whatever. I pumnped a friggin ton of new material into the hot girls naked with their bike page. Most of them are strippers with some piece of shit prop bike thrown in the corner, but some of the girls ride. OK, maybe two of them, but my standards are so low that I'm standing on them.

From: Gary
Subject: none
Hi Big Jonny,
Grapes and I were at Fleche Wallone last Wednesday. Was that Floyd Landis sporting that stupid fucking beard? He looked like a fucking gimp. He was a cross between Bob Roll and one of those Harmish freaks. That must drive the women wild when eats eats pussy. Keep up the good work fella

Guys like you are the reason I do this. That, and I have what you might call a little "problem" when it comes to porn. But I feel much better now...

If Jay had a hammer, oh he'd hammer in the morning, and he'd hammer in the evening, Oh, he'd hammer all the day long. This here is a pic of Jason Tallous (friend of site) I "borrowed" from AZ-fattire.com. In this pic, he is kicking the shit outta, well, everything. The race course, the other racers, everything.

I know two of those poor bastards he was racing against. One of them was Jake, another was Pete. They're both nice guys, and they both got crushed by Big Tex and his pain hammer.

I'm going to the Tour of the Gila next week. Yes, the fat man is going. Oh, but not to race. I'm going to wash bikes, hand up bottles, fill musettes, suck pro dick, glue on tubulars and punch out hippies. In that order. The life of the pro mechanic. Yeah right.

I hung out with Brian "Hamfist" Forbes today, busting balls. That guy rules. He told me that I was, "the biggest baby" he'd , "ever met." Ha!

That cocksucker.

Oh well, fuck it. I'm toast and I have to get up tomorrow and chase that little Garden Gnome bastard out to Tortilla Flat in the morning. It is going to be great.


  Monday, April 23, 2001
Here it is, another work week. Another round of friggin endless laughs. Lots of pics, music and reader mail to upload tonight. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Ever hear of Shea Seger? I hadn't. This is one of her songs. Now all I want to do with the rest of my life is bang her. Then I can die happy.

From: riderx
Subject:New Single Speed Site
Hey porn king - I just put up a new single speed web site at http: www.singlespeedoutlaw.com.
Thought you ASS guys might want to know about it.

Cool site you got going on there Joe. And, we always loved being linked. God Bless the single speed. Got to ride mine yesterday. Three of us on singles and one dork on a geared bike. What can you do? Made for one fast fucking two hours.

From: Mark
Subject: Cippolini Naked
Hi Jonny,
Glad you enjoyed the Jenna Jameson stuff I sent you.
I don't know if this will keep the ladies happy. Its from a running show advert Mario Cippolini did last year.

I don't know about the ladies, but that scared the hell outta me. Ugh. Fuck. That sucked. I hope that image makes someone happy.

From: Mat
Subject: Russian Banner
Jonny,
Here's the translation of the banner with the weird doctor guy and chick. Top says "Whats going to be next?" The green with the arrow is pretty simple "take a look" and below that is "even more interesting" Damn weirdo Russians, I've seen some Russian porn (which was good), but this is just odd. As for the beer, I get my share here at Lehigh and if Im ever in Arizona I'll get a hold of you for a ride and a drink.

That friggin banner has got me thinking about two things. First, the guy who thinks that is the way to promote his website. Like, what the fuck kinda image are you trying to portray? I can't imagine that demographic that's aimed at. Whatever it is I pray it's a small percentage of the Russian population. Which leads into the second thing I've been pondering. Who's the guy that sees that banner, and thinks, "Hell yeah, I've just got to see this site!" I'm a little confused.

From: Tall Todd
Subject: One way to keep your mind off donuts.
I saw this and thought of you right away

That is about the funniest fucking thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Jesus. Ullrich is so stone cold busted on that one. Not that I blame him, I'm staring at those same tits too. Right now as a matter of fact. I wonder what they'd look like with the words drunkcyclist written on them?

From: Stanley
Bumbed into these pics while smacking it tonight. Thought you should be notified of the bike porn. Keep it up.
One
Two
Three

Totally bad ass. Thanks Stanley. I love bike porn. Remember, everything ya'll send in gets dumped in a bike ol' gallery.

From: LYCOSPHINX
DC,
Thanks for the more regular updates than our boy Davey Millar (but then again, he's leaving it on the road everyday). Anyway, here's some chick/boobs/bikes pics: here

It just keeps on coming.

I'll end tonight's little pill party with a race report from drunkcyclist tankhead Snake Plisken. (not dead)

From: Jake
Subject: sierra vista mtb race.
Big jonny
well were do I start. Well first happy birthday. Sorry I missed the cake fight I probably would of got my ass kicked anyway. Second give a shout out to Hamfist for finishing Willamet.
ok now to the good stuff before i get all misty and start chokin
Im not really sure what went on after the second or third lap I was pretty much deep in the pain cave and had lost my flashlight and let me tell you that it was dark and scary. anyway. The race starts off and Mr Wells goes off the front like its only going to be a mile race. Pete P. goes with him after a bit and now we have too strong men at the front going like hell. I look over at J. tullous and say hey do you think that we should be up there? He looks at me and says yeah probably but remember its going to be a long race. So he procedes to stand up and drop a big hammer and drop the whole fucking field. Now when I say drop the hammer I mean the big kind you get at the hardwear store. No not the hammer you use for nails. The sledge hammer you use to bust up concrete. I got fifth in the pro class. not bad you say for a second year semi pro. Well Racin Jason put 12 minutes on me. Count them 12. This is the kind of shit that when i get done hes at the car getting a sandwich and putting his bike away because hes done cooling down. Well you might say he only got 5th what the hell do you expect. well shit for brains he put 6 and a half minutes on second place Todd Wells. 6 and a half minutes. no thats not a typo . 6.5 on second. thats enough time to fix to flats and still win. So now you know that the pain cave is dark and deep. So i got to hand it to the Texan. When he drops the hammer he drops it. so the race ended up with jason in first, todd in second, brian m for third, the mexican kid in fourth and the hurtin snake in for fifth. Like i said at the start I wish i could remember more but the pain cave is deep and dark. Im out to get some rest and figure out how to make up 12 minutes

Right on Jake. Thanks for the update. Always good to hear it from the trenches. That what I have to offer here at drunkcyclist. I may not have the most up do date information. I may not even know there was a race, but mother fucker, you better believe that if I hear about it, you hear about it.

I feel for ya, snake. Twelve minutes is a mother. But, I gotta tell ya... The last time I rode that mining country loop with Randy (the gayness) and H-ball, they waited for me at the top of the climb going out of Winkelman and over to Globe for a half an hour. I'm taking thirty long minutes. That sucked.

 



Saturday, April 21, 2001
It's raining. In Phoenix, it's raining. On my God Damn day off. All week, when I was at work, it's fucking beautiful outside. Yesterday: beautiful. Today: suck ass.

Results of Colossal Cave Classic are now posted. My man Forbes nails down second in Pro 1-2. Tom Idzorek takes 5th. And 15th in the 3's, Kip Moyer. One word: player. Troy Love takes 4th in the 4's, and he's strong as a bull. I'm tellin ya.

But, still with the rain. Where's the love, man?

Speaking of love, I just finished unpacking all my shit from my trip to the wonderful state of Texas two weeks back. I am one lazy bastard. Anyway, while unpacking I found these.

click to enlarge.     click to enlarge.     click to enlarge.

Darren Poore is the guy who, along with his wife, put us up in Austin. He's a photographer. (obviously) And a good one at that. Get a hold of him if you need the help of a pro. You may recognize that last photo. It was in one of those big glossy mags like Mountain Bike or Bicycle. Whatever. I really need to pay more attention when people tell me things.

From: Julz
Subject: none
Dear Jonny,
My boyfriend has become addicted to your site. He has started spanking it on a frequent basis. By the time I finally get to him, he has no juice left. I am holding you personally responsible for this.

Holy shit. Um, what can I do. He has to make his own decisions in life, doesn't he? You can blame me all you want, but I'm not taking down any porn. You poor, poor girl. Maybe someone will send in some naked guy pics for ya.

If they do, I'll forward them to you. I'm certainly not going to post them. Well, maybe I should throw a little something together for the ladies. There just might be something to that idea.

I've had a few requests for "hot guys on bikes" pics. But, I don't exactly have anything like that handy. I know it's a surprise. I asked Big Gay Randy if I could dip into his extensive collection of gay porn. He told me to fuck off.

So, if any of you guys out there feel like giving up a little something for all the hot and bothered mountain bike chicks out there, send that shit in to Iamnotgay@drunkcyclist.com. If you send it, I'll post it.

I can't believe I'm actively pursuing this. I really might get pics of naked men in the mail. How will I face my friends? How will I face my mother? Fuck it. See what I do for you girls? See? Now go write drunkcyclist on your tits, take a picture of it, and send it in. Like this girl did. Now that's a fan!

Here is today's lesson in Russian.

I posted this gif a few days back, pretty much because it had a girl on it. I didn't know what it said. Now, thanks to attentive readers, we all know just a little tiny part of the Russian language. Probably not enough to order a beer or get laid. You're on your own in that department.

From: Mat
Jonny,
He says its "game for getting naked" if it were translated into what a Russian would think if he read it the other translation is literal. Must be an alright game. Keep up the good work on the site, the bike porn was sweet.

If it wasn't for the fact that Mat lives about 3 friggin thousand miles east of Arizona, I'd buy hima a beer for that one. As it stands, all he can get is a "thank you". Any ideas on that weird gyno/mad scientist banner I posted yesterday, Mat? I think we'd all like to know what the fuck that thing is supposed to be about.


Friday, April 20, 2001
Ever heard the expression, "Thank God it's Friday"? I'm fucking living it this week. My life is nothing but endless joy. Days at the lake, boats and noodle salad. That's my life.

Subject: Video Game Girl
From: Mat
Yo Jonny,
My friend who speeks some Russian did his best at translating that games title. Its something like "Game for taking your clothes off" If you can send me a bigger pic of it he can probably make sure thats what it is

Thanks Mat. And that bigger pic is in the mail. It's huge. Blurry, but the letters are much easier to make out. Not like it makes shit difference to me because I can't make heads or tails of the whole thing. If you get that, have a stab at this one. It was named "pupsik" when I got it. Showed up in the mail or something.

what the fuck?

What the hell is that? Is she at the gynecologist? Getting an abortion? What? Is that sexy? It looks like a fucking traffic accident. How totally fucked are these Russians, anyway? Jesus.

Speaking of Jesus, check out what Spooner has to say on the subject of breast implants. Speaking of breast implants, click here, and here. Thank you.

Boobs? Can they ever be big enough?

Fuck, this is kinda fun. More and even more.

I think that's enough porn to last a few days. Maybe not, who knows. I'm freaking starving. I need to stop typing this shit and eat something. What a novel idea: webmasters who eat. Today on Geraldo.


Thursday, April 19, 2001
Oh hell. Where do I start. It's been one busy ass week. Yesterday, the 18th, was my fucking birthday. Hee ha.

It's all fucking good. I even tooled around with the site layout a little more. I hope you all like it.

I don't know where this came from. What in the hell is that thing? Anyone know how to read Russian? Is that Russian? I dunno. What I do know is that I used to have a room mate that would kick the shit outta me in some video game that had that girl as a character.

Street fighter, maybe?

You can go over to Dr. Bicycles for news on Brian Forbes racing highlights and some photos of me, the original drunk cyclist, at my own birthday party, straight piss loaded and wrestling bong boy Corey. Also see me hemming up Scottish Chris like he was a red headed stepchild. The best part? I blacked out and I don't remember anything about the second half of that party. I know that the photos 'ol Dr. Bicycles posted are pretty kind. I got the shit kicked out of me.

Everyone got a piece of the big man. Hippie Corey, Yardsale, Scottish, and Jack motherfucking Daniels beat me down hard. I thought I got hit by a truck when I woke up the next day. At 4:30 in the afternoon.

I don't think I'll be tossin back any drink for a few after that mayhem.

I got some neat shit for my birthday, including some stuff I can't post yet. Maybe later. Like in about ten minutes. And now, reader mail.

From: Julie
Subject: fuck texas, love jul
i would just like to respond to that Texas asshole. Why is everyone in texas so damn cocky about this endless state? i live here, and it's not that great. that's why i'm moving. it doesn't impress me at all, really. the slogan "everything is bigger in texas" is really just about their egos.
and jonny, why didn't you tell everyone how you got really wasted on jack, had cake shoved up your ass, and then had it hosed out all within an hour?

Texas. The state you cannot get away from. Ever. And I left the tellin' to you, Julie. It's just better that way.

send more. Ok, this is what I got for my birthday that really kicked ass. It just showed up in my mailbox. I couldn't be happier about it. I want to see some more like this. I want an entire gallery of this shit. Ladies, do I have to beg?


Tuesday, April 17, 2001
One of the greatest things life has to offer is having a Tuesday off. Mondays suck enormous amounts of cock any way you look at it, but knowing full well that you ain't coming back Tuesday... Well, lets just say it makes it easier.

That and most of the links back to the main page from the porn gallerys are fucked, so carefull surfing out there.

I got in a nice little ride today. I climbed south mountain (that whore) and I did some big gear hill repeats in the foothills. Good times, great oldies. Almost got killed twice. While dragging my generous ass up south mountain, some nice Latino girls about hit me in their late eighties Ford Turino while yelling, "Get the fuck outta the road!" What nice kids. I'll bet they all have six kids from four different fathers already. The second near death experience was even more fun.

On Baseline road there is little or no shoulder. That fact doesn't stop me, or the six thousand other cyclists that use Baseline to get to the Central Av. entrance into South Mountain park every fucking week of the year. I am always surprised when a car comes by and the rear view mirror is about six inches from my fucking head. Why am I surprised? Because I assume that anyone operating a motor vehicle should have a damn good idea of where the far side of their car is. You know what I'm talking about. The kind of person who can't parallel park because they're always totally flabbergasted as their tires repeatedly smash into the curb. "How close am I? I can't tell." No shit. You just about fucking tagged me lady, get a clue.

This lady about hits me, swerves in front of me, shakes her fist at me and then leans on the horn. All after she almost hit me. What a bitch. What did see expect me to do, fucking grow wings and fly? It's not like I was in the wrong. I was going in a straight line, unwavering, right down the gutter. I couldn't possibly ride any further to the right. There is nothing there. Nothing.

So, I gave her the finger. With both hands.

This is the type of shit that ended up in my mail box today. Yeah, the picture on the right. Thanks. I guess. I think the resemblance is fucking amazing. It really does look like me. Really.

Click here to see hot chick having sex. Click here to see a whole lotta tits. And, finally, click here to see more of Linsey Dawn Ditch Pig McKenzie. She actually looks OK in this series. And her boobs still look like freaking basketballs.

Oh hell, here are some other fine pics of the big man going, well, he's going big. That's what he's doing. Check out the form, the strength of character, the way he's the last one up the hill. Oh, it was a big motherfucker too. And then you have Red Mountain, a well known Phoenix landmark, side by side with the lesser known, but equally impressive, twin white bluffs of jonny. It just brings a tear to my eye.


  Monday, April 16, 2001
What a weekend. Hincapie grabs forth in Paris Roubaix and I partied my fucking ass off. What else does one need? Servais Knaven is a deserving victor. Go look at the photos.

Just a quick little update for tonight, then it's fuck with the code time. It's a real bitch, changing site layouts and all that noise. When the possibilities for your website are limitless, things can get way to complicated real fast. I've got about three versions of this page going right now. And I can't decide which I like better. The more things change, the more likely it's going to stay exactly the same. Fuck it.

I have a race report from the Squealer. This is about the coolest fucking thing I have ever seen. Read about it and seriously consider doing it next year. I had to work at 8:30, but I made it out to the start to distribute drunkcyclist stickers to the masses and I even rode part of the course. Then it was off to work, and blah blah fucking blah.

I'd like to thanks Tom for the freaking huge amount of pics I got today. Wow. I have to get all this shit together into some kind of gallery or something. Here is a taste of what's to come. Jesus.


  Friday, April 13, 2001
Sweet suffering Christ am I bummed out. Tomorrow brings the promise of true underground racing complete with beer and BBQ afterwards. And I have to work. 8:30 tomorrow and I'll be at the bike shop. I think I can make it to the race start, and probably do a good part of it if it's starts on time and all. The endless pain and suffering part I can do, washing down fire singed flesh with ice cold gallons of lager I can't. Fuck me.

Oh well. I guess I'll just drink even more beer tomorrow night.

If I hear any good stories, I'll post them tomorrow or Sunday. Or Monday. Whatever. Shut up and look at this.

Big news around the bike shop. Specialized came through in a big way for the owners (whom shall remain nameless), or was it the owners came through in a big way for Specialized? Either way, hugs all around and it's back to business as usual.

I for one am glad to hear it. Our local Specialized rep has been nothing but cool to me personally. He upped some product for the drunkcyclist team at the 24 Hours of the Old Pueblo race we did this spring. I'm glad to hear everything is all smoothed out and buttery again. Hell, I even ride one of their bikes.

SuperGo, on the other hand, can pretty much go to hell for all I care. Lets see how much trouble I get into for that one.

And now, lets get to my favorite part of the program: reader mail.

From: Jason Tullous
Subject: Texas---a beautiful place
First, there are only two kinds of people in the world--TEXANS and those that wished they were. Feel lucky that you got to visit and converse with some of us.
Now about the Napa thing. I placed 81st. No excuses, no flats, just one fast race. I did have a problem with the ground--- I kept hitting it. Just as the race started, the rain and hail began creating an ice-like surface. We had two 1k start loops to begin the race and I went down along with numerous others. Then the waiting game at the single track began. I was counted as 116th entering the single track. I did move up to 71st but like I said, I had a problem with the ground.
All in all, I had a good time and experienced the reality that the Euros are fast motherfuckers.

Glad to hear it went so well. And I was just in Texas. The only beautiful thing I saw is when Randy kept running me about not driving fast enough, and then he gets a speeding ticket. Fucking choice.

From:Gary
Subject:
Hi there Top Fella.
Just saw the Linsey pics. She`s a fairly infamous bag of shit here in the UK. She fucked some soccer player and got herself all over the Tabloid Scum, sorry press. Allegedly you can fuck her for about $1500, that was Tabloid news too.
Just read your Specialized comments, too fucking right. My shit is better than there cock sucker "bikes"
Regards "Gary & Grapes"

Well, that is good to know, thanks Gary. Nice to know my site is pimpin' across the pond.

From:Ralph
Subject: drunkcyclist
how was austin?

How was Austin? Didn't I see you there? I'd have to say the best part of my trip was the big, sweaty hug you gave me at the crit finish. Nothing really compares to standing around sweating your ass off in the mechanic pit for 90 minutes, and then getting wrapped up in the arms of a man covered in motor oil. It was so gay, I can't even tell you. I think my second favorite thing about my trip was how fun driving across Texas can be. It fucking rules.

I'll be trying like hell to update this thing tomorrow. Maybe even the layout. Feels stale and I want change. Whatever.


  Thursday, April 12, 2001
The Queen on the Classic's Paris Roubaix is this Sunday. It just doesn't get much better than that race.

I can't believe Museeuw averaged 40k and hour last year. Its a 250k race. For you metrically deficient out there, that's an average speed of 25 mph for 180 miles. Do you have any idea how fast that is? And the roads... Oh God, they race on the shittest track you've ever seen. Yeah, there is no drug problem. People can ride like that on mineral water and maybe a few thin mints. Bull shit.

That said, I have a poster of Museeuw thundering across the cobbles on the wall next to me right now. I don't care if he does drugs of not. He still kicks ass. He is my hero. You think everyone else out there wasn't doped up like a mother fucker? Like the guys who were second, third and so on? C'mon. Guys use all kinds of shit for local Arizona racing. I won't name any names, but I've seen it. Hell, we all have.

We all know it's true. Some of us have a problem with it, some of us don't. I really could give a shit. I accept the use of a wide range of substances as commonplace and pretty much required to be competitive. Hey, pro riders juice it up. That's life.

Lucky for me, I'm such a fat pathetic fucking loser of a bike racer that the lure of performance enhancing drugs just isn't there. Recreational drugs are an altogether different story. And, I drink like a fish. But, enough about me.

The part that really pisses me off is the whole denial, stick your head in the sand and pretend it's all a bad rumor thing that is so prevalent in the cycling community. Like when some poor fucking rider, like Paul Kimmage, writes a book, like Rough Ride, on the subject and his opinion is dismissed as the jealous rantings of a rider who lacked the God given talent to succeed at the highest levels of cycling. I find it easier to believe it when I hear it from some pack fodder, nothing special racer. Why would he lie to me? What could he possibly gain from bullshitting me?

How about Willy Voet? Willy was doing his job. Hey Will, drive that car from Belgium to France and don't look in the trunk, alright? And if you get popped at the border, all that shit is for personnel use, OK? Like that doesn't happen all the fucking time. Anyone out there have much of a problem buying weed? Yeah, that's what I thought. Same damn thing.

I can't believe how many people think the Postal squad wasn't up to something just a little sinister when some retard left their hotel, and got filmed dumping medical supplies (read: empty bottles, syringes, and whatever else) in a fucking trash can at what amounts to a highway rest stop bathroom during the Tour last year. What was in the empty bags? Actovigen.

Is it a banned substance? No. Not by the UCI. Not yet anyway. From what I've read, it's banned in the Olympic games and will be illegal from this year forward in UCI events.

What does Actovigen do? This is the best part. No one really knows. Ha! The company that makes it doesn't even know what its supposed sporting benefits are. Fucking beautiful. Just great.

If you want to read more about all this crap, check out Cyclingnews and Velonews. They have a lot in their archives. Also do some web searches on "Acotovigen". I tried to find neat little articles to quote, link to and whatnot about this for about the last hour and twenty minutes. Fuck it, I don't care. If you want more its on you. I think everyone only comes here for the porn anyway.

Where does this leave us? Same place we were before. An American has won the world biggest, hardest, most prestigious bicycle race two years running. And it really looks like it's going to be three. And that's something to be proud of.


  Wednesday, April 11, 2001
Short update tonight. I just haven't the time. I put two, three, even four hours a night into making this site the best fucking thing I can. I think that the bicycle is the single greatest thing I have ever come across in my entire life. Followed closely by my penis and beer, of course. And boobs are pretty cool.

Tonight I just have got to turn the pedals around. Not a hard effort, just rolling them around. I need to clear my head. I need to feel the earth roll by beneath my wheels and some wind in my face.

Every day I'm glad I created this site. My whole life had become riding, working and this. Ride, work, upload. Shit, everyone has to do something.

I can remember the day I had 70 hits and thought that was the coolest thing ever. Last September sometime is when I started this. I can remember the first time I got more that one hundred in a day. Last month I got 285,000.

As this site grows, it becomes more apparent that its success has two distinct sides. Just like a sword had two edges. I want to make drunkcyclist better every day, with every upload. As more and more people check out the site, I feel obligated to improve and create even more. It never ends. But I'm not complaining. Much the opposite. I'm stoked as hell.

I've been hanging around the bike industry, working in shops for about ten years. Can you say "lifer"? sometimes it just plain sucks dick. This thing I do is for every shop guy out there plugging away. Low pay, shitty hours, busting ass to please Joe Q. Public. Fixing horseshit bikes day after day, being honest and doing a quality job only to be undersold by SuperGo to the tune of five hundred dollars on a 2001 bike. It just fucking sucks.

And then I start this bike, boobs and beers thing and tons of people check it out and say "right on". All kinds of shop guys all over Phoenix hit this site everyday. The corporate guys at Specialized refer to this as "the Phoenix rumor mill" and not in a good way. All because I dropped the bomb on the little SuperGo issue all us Specialized retailers are facing. Alliance my ass.

Fuck it. Go look at this girl. Five foot four, with tits the size of watermelons and a face that would make a train turn down a dirt road. I give you Linsey.

If you really want a cute little bitch pixie piece of crap for your lawn, or maybe your neighbors lawn, or to throw through your exgirlfriends window, or just to fucking smash while screaming, "Die Dave, die, you son of a bitch, I'll kill you next time we ride mining country, stop dropping me you cock sucker!" like I want to, then check this out. Now that is some gay shit.

Holy shit is this a lot of porn... whoa.


  Tuesday, April 10, 2001
All I'm looking forward to doing the rest of this week is riding my bike. Unfortunately, about all I'll be doing this week is working my ass off to make up the four days I took off last week to go to Texas. Ugh.

It could be worse, I could have no money, no fitness, and no life. As it stands I only suck it in two of those categories. I can't wait for Saturday morning. I'm going to ride my bike, look for Easter eggs and drink beer. In that order. Then I'll work for a few hours and recover for the true event of the weekend. Scotts and my birthday party.

I don't know if I'm looking forward to it, or scared as hell. Fuck it. I'm turning 31 and I'm going to get fucking annihilated. Have no doubts, this is a drink to ya throw up type of night. Last years party hurt me pretty bad and I haven't learned a thing in the last twelve months. Check out how great I looked last time at about 11:30.

Glug  Glug  Glug

Lets hope for all of us, I don't do that again. Who the fuck am I kidding? I'm going down in flames. Flames, baby, flames.

Did ya ever just want to fucking murder a garden gnome? I mean, just ram an axe in his head?

Yeah, me too. But keep it quiet. Don't show Dave, he'll be fucking pissed, 'cause he's a garden gnome too. And this type of thing upsets garden gnomes.

I think I'm going to carve out some space for that cute little son of a bitch. You know, give him a page to rant and rave and really piss off everybody. I don't know how he does it, but fuck, he does it. Watch for the Angry Garden Gnome Section. Coming soon. Really.

The Hot Chicks Naked and on Bikes gallery is up. I'm still sorting out a new Jenna Jameson page. The last one was so fucking huge, it'll be hard to top. But, I'l try. Lord knows I try.


  Monday, April 09, 2001
Lots of shit in the mail today. Good God, where do I start? Here's a couple of good links. First up, a bike porn link. This one scares me, but I did laugh, so I guess it's cool. Who ate my balls?

I got so many new pics of naked chicks and bikes that I'm making a gallery for them. Same with Jenna Jameson. Shit, and I haven't even finished that hot Asian chick gallery. Fuck me. I better start producing something around here, or I might get fired.

I think this may be the only circumstance where drinking beer with a straw is appropriate.
I wouldn't move that glass for hours. I'd empty and refill it repeatedly, but I wouldn't move it. Maybe I'd move it a little, but not much.

I guess I found what I want for Christmas this year.

I gave away a hundred stickers in Austin this weekend. So, hello to all you mother fuckers that haven't seen my little pill party. I couldn't believe three different people told me, "Oh, you're the guy at drunkcyclist? That's your website?" this weekend. I'm known in fucking Texas of all places.

Other great quotes from this weekend:
 1) "I'll put Lance Armstrong right in the gutter. This is bike racing. I don't give a shit."
 2) "What's your website about, anyway?"
 3) "If it was easy to be skinny, everyone would be."
 4) "The last time I looked at your website, I didn't stop masturbating for three days."

I learned a few things this weekend as well. Most professional bike mechanics are about as exciting as a soap dish. Yeah, that's right. I went up and said, "Hi" to each and everyone of you guys. I guess I'm mostly to blame thought, I forgot I was wearing my I have fucking AIDS. T-shirt. Thank God Eric from Trek was there, or I'd have fucking shot myself before the race ended.

I met the guy behind Nimble wheels. He's so Goddamn smart it makes my head hurt. Talk about a quality product, this guy has it nailed nine ways till Tuesday. Amazing. This guy know more about Thai food than I know about anything. Including my own penis, something I've spent the better part of my life aquatinting myself with and stuffing into things.

Here are the results from the Superior road race, and TBC. Click here for Pro I - II results. And, I also have a race report from everyone's favorite garden gnome look alike, Dave.

From: DH
Subject: Local News
So,
The Masonite-head said the trip to Texas was just a load of fun. Glad to here that Texas includes beautiful scenery for the eyes as well as all the steers and queers I hear are out there. I'm sure that made up for the idea of driving 14 hours or whatever it was for an hour long race...

Guess who took a class on team work? Yep, ol' Landis came out for the Tucson Bicycle Classic with an actual plan of action, and they stuck to it to keep Price in the Yellow jersey for 1st in GC. Price took the lead by winning the 2.1 mile prologue on Friday. The road race was uneventful until the last of five laps up Gates pass when the winning break took place. Up until then Landis kept the peleton together, not letting anything get too far out.

So, Fifth time up Gates Pass and it all happened there... Ten riders hit the top of the 13% climb with a gap of 30 feet on the next group and that was all it took. Fortunately, my teammate Jake Rubelt made it over the top in that front group. Myself and ten other guys were left chasing the first pack in hopes of getting back on before the finish, but to no avail.. It was nothing but business within both groups. We were rotating at a furious pace as were they, only to see the finish line approach too soon for us to bridge back up. So the cool thing is that while I stayed up on the front most of the day watching and trying, on occasion, to make something happen, Jake sat back in the peleton and stayed fresh. On that decisive 5th lap he made it over the top with the leaders and set him self up for the Finnish. So, what place did he get? That mother fucker won the race! Can you believe that shit? I guess he sprinted it out and won by a! bout an inch, probably less. When he told me that he might have won it I fucking couldn't believe it. Actually, later that night we were busting up with laughter about the whole thing.

One definite bummer in the road race was a freak accident that happened about .5 miles after the start. Dave Reid, a Landis rider and all around nice guy took some sorta kinda strange spill that broke his femur. He was, and probably still is, in some Tucson hospital recovering from having a Titanium rod shoved into his leg. From what I heard he was pushed over into a nasty crack in the pavement that took him down. Jake went to see him and said that Reid couldn't believe the pain. I actually saw the crack in the pavement that probably caused the accident and it was definitely something that would cause a loss of control. Anyhow, I know that myself, Jake and everyone wishes Dave a Speedy recovery.

And then there was the circuit race. Ten 5.6 mile laps with something more than 100 feet of climbing per lap I think. I thought Landis would have been a bit more shelled from the road race the previous day but they still managed to keep it together until the last two laps or so. I ended up winning the sprint bonus for 10 seconds on the third lap with a pretty sweet effort that jumped me up from 14th to 8th place in GC. After that I got into a break with 4 other guys that had the most potential to stay out that day and again Landis, namely Brian Lemke and maybe Justin Peschka, closed it down. Those boys must have been seeing God at that point because the break was driving at 35 to 40 mph. I really don't even know how they got us back, but anyway...The circuit race came down to a sprint same as the road race and I ended up getting 5th. Unfortunately. Price came out of no-where to win it and seal his overall title. I ended up! staying in 8th overall and Jake Rubelt, the only other Domenics pro-1-2 rider there, received 6th place honors. Not bad for a couple a cat-2 guys. The only thing I'm pissed about is that I had the power to win the circuit race, but shit happens. Better to learn from it than anything.

As usual, Nathan Mitchell and Bill Wheeler cleaned house in the cat 3 race. I'm not sure about anything else.
Until next time-
"The Angry little Garden Knome"

And, more from shorty brings news of Arizona boy, Jason Tullous.

From: GN
Subject: Nevermind that last one-
Jason Tullous got 81st out at the Napa World Cup MTB race. The fastest U.S. rider was Travis Brown at 35th spot on the list. Amazing, eh? a national Champ get 35th in a WC. Perspective, eh?
Chet the "merican" says- Now, Why in the hell would I wanna see some homosexual in spandex panties ride a bike at 3 miles per hour up a hill?
GN

Why indeed, eh? More reader mail.

From: Gary
Subject: blank
Just discovered the delights of DC here in the good old UK. Top fucking stuff fella. Sometimes you just can`t take anymore of that cock sucking shit on some of these boring mother fucker bike sites. GOOD WORK. And lets get some real filthy fucking porn on here just for my top mate GRAPES
Gary
Essex UK

Now I'm pimping drunkcyclist across the pond. First I find out they know me in Texas, and now the Goddamn United Kingdom. I'm not sure what GRAPES is all about, but I'll run with it.


  Monday, April 09, 2001
I thank fucking God. I'm back in business. New monitor and all the bullshit software issues are sorted out. I'm like a junkie searching out a fix. I could not update my site, check email, look at porn, nothing. All the things that make life worth living were taken from me. I couldn't do anything unless I used a different machine. Most people, I found out, do not appreciate a bike freak, porn addict such as myself tying up there computer for a couple of hours. Some people find that rude.

Big update later today. I got some new porn in the mail. I hope you like Asian women with giant tits as much as I do. I've just got to resize some stuff and I'll post it. Oh yeah, you want a taste?

click to enlarge these breats even more.    clicky make biggy.

More of that type of thing later.

Got back from Austin, Texas last night. What a drive. So scenic. Texas is a feast for the eyes, let me tell you. Went out for a great big criterium race on Saturday night, and I can't even remember what it was called. BMC #2, I guess. I wanted to do the Ride for the Roses Lance Armstrong thing on Sunday, but Big Dick Randy wanted to blaze the fuck outta that state. No ridey ride for the fat man.

I was a mechanic for a team called Ochner. Bunch of cool guys. I think I did about, well, nothing. I glued on a tubular. And, I think someone threw their sunglasses at me. I carried some stuff around too.

Super fun time, great bunch of guys. I ate like a pig and slept on the floor. It was heaven. I can't wait to go to Gila next month.



 
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