Bullshit You Don’t Need For The Holidays (Vol. 3)

Here it comes, at you like a wrecking ball (sup Miley?). The week many will choose to celebrate the birth of homie Jesus Christ, going on the ripe age of 2018-ish years. Gettin’ up there big fella! Some already know this, but Jesus is a good dude. He saves, not in the monetary sense, but you know, literally. He saves people. No shit. And even with those superpowers, Jesus never wanted this week to be about him because he’s got a good head on him, he’s modest. He wanted it to be about his buddies Santa Claus and Rudolph, about consumerism and singing jingles, about chopping down pine trees and draping blinky lights on everything you own, about cookies (J had a sweet tooth, ya dig?) and furry antlers to shove in the window jamb of your mini-van because why leave the celebration at home? So that’s what brings us here, to review some products that’ll deck the halls with boughs of holly, so you can go blow your wad on the most jolly ideas in cycling, because well, ’tis the season…Fa la la la la la la la!

Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la la la la la la!

Rapha Special Edition Classic Winter Jacket

sjk09xxpur-product-h216-1_medium

Developed to withstand anything but the harshest weather conditions and everything inside your favorite vegan pour-over coffee bar, the new Classic Winter Jacket is now available with Tricolour styling, in a nod to the classic jersey designs of the Before Christ years.

For the cost of like 4 million dollours, and based on the Classic Hardshell Jacket, with fully scotch taped seams, a water-absorbant zip to invite the worst of the weather and elastane inner cuffs to provide protection against nothing but your fucking ego.

Cut from a suffocating fabric that transfers superiority vapour away into the skin and with underarm zippers for added excretion, the Classic Winter Jacket works hard to prevent you being modest even during your most epic Instgramming moments. Three large rear pockets provide ample storage for the battery packs you’ll surely be using, underscored by laser-cut drainage holes for your vaginal discharge. A stowable drop tail has high-visibility detailing so you can keep pretending your glory days of flag football.

See the blazing yule before us, Fa la la la la la la la!

Rapha Shoe Trees

str01-raphashoetree2

The Shoe Tree is perhaps the most brilliant product Rapha makes. #Raphassholes can now stick a Shoe Tree up their ass to loosen things up a bit. Loosen up the o-ring, loosen up the attitude. Hell, you could even use it as a chamois cream applicator. Made from 100% cedar, a wood known for its fragrance and unruffled rind, the Shoe Tree will allow you to maintain the shape of your butthole, absorb moisture and maximize stiffness and longevity. Kegels before your pre-ride bagels. The cedar aroma will also deodorize the orifice and keep it fresh. The spring tension and handle also allows for easy probing of the anal cavity.

#protip – Grab a couple zip ties and connect two trees together for a double-ended fuck stick.

Just watch out for splinters.

Strike the harp and join the chorus, Fa la la la la la la la!

RaDKaPPe

radkappe_alternative-baseball-cap-style-bike-helmet_gloss-beige

What in the holy fuck is this? A ball cap, mixed with a construction hat, mixed with a Giro Aerohead, mixed with fuck. God damnit. This thing looks like something you should be getting served nachos in. Moving along…

Follow me in merry measure, Fa la la la la la la la!

Exploro

You ever throw a dart at a board but instead hit your grandma in the face? That’s what 3T did with the Exploro.
screen-shot-2016-12-19-at-21-36-31
“GO FASTER SLOWER” is how they market this thing, like a couple horny sloths bumping furries. Why is aerodynamics important on a gravel ride you ask? Because if you’re slow due to head or crosswinds, you’re slow relative to the ground but very fast relative to the air and that’s what counts in aerodynamics, or something. Just read that again. And maybe one more time. If you’re into this sort of thing, reflect on your life and where you may have taken a figurative wrong turn.
With features like REALFAST™, GRAVELPLUS®, PERFORMANCE GEOMETRY, CLEAN PERFORMANCE, BETTER4BOTTLES, CHECKPOINT CHARLIE, ATTACHMENT ANCHORS, HANG LOOSE HANGER, we’ll give them credit for not including aero bars. But they’re sure to come for the inevitable: Time trials on gravel. GRIME TRIALS.
And this…
14937343_1258058324257199_8277195607723171312_n

While I tell of Yuletide treasure, Fa la la la la la la la!

Big S Top Cap Chain Tool

Big S for your big stocking.
Big S for your big stocking.

Stocking stuffer you don’t need: Big S’s Top Cap Chain Tool, or any other tool that’s concealed in your bike.

You know we’re big fans of the Big S around here. While it’s easy for us to shoot spitballs at the purveyors of all things overpriced cycling couture, we decided to pick the smallest component they make (from what I could tell in a 30 second scour of their website). The Top Cap Chain Tool is a few years old, but for some reason they still sell it. Have any of you actually purchased one of these? Did one of your wives read VeloNews’ 2013 gift guide and get suckered into buying you one? Have you actually used it? Ever seen one in a shop? Didn’t think so.

Here’s the thing about trying to be James Bond and cleverly integrating tools into your bike: don’t do it. The whole idea reminds me of the Pontiac Stinger. Don’t remember it? That’s because it never made it to production. The 1989 concept ALL-RAD beach mobile featured all kinds of hidden shit: pop-out stereo, removable bucket seats, a vacuum, tool kit, garden hose, camping stove, and the door panel popped out, turning it into a cooler.

Poochie from the Simpsons would’ve driven this thing (also a failed character). It’s a soulless afterthought of a product whose ideal customer is no one, whose ideal scenario is imaginary. You might scoff at your riding buddy’s chunky multitool, or even his dice-rolling lack of a tool altogether. But tell me who looks like the dumbass when you’re kneeling, trailside, fumbling with an unruly handful of grimy broken metal. “I have just the thing!”

If you are going to buy a chain tool, Jesus, spend the $30 and a few bucks more on Park Tool’s CT-3.2. And for the love of God, when your chain breaks, leave your stem alone.

Fast away the old year passes, Fa la la la la la la la!

Bottled water

Bottled Water

You can’t survive on water alone.

Hail the new, ye lads and lasses, Fa la la la la la la la!

Abbey Tools’ Titanium Hammer

Abbey Tools Hammer

Sigh. Look. Abbey Tools makes some super drool-worthy bits that’d look great in any mechanic’s shop. But a $180 titanium hammer? Come on. Even Abbey Tools’s own customers grapple with their incredulity by apparently shelling out for a piece of titanium with a rubber handle:

screenshot-2016-12-19-22-40-27 screenshot-2016-12-19-22-40-07 screenshot-2016-12-19-22-39-24

Reminds me of that quote from Independence Day. “You don’t actually think they spend $20,000 on a hammer, $30,000 on a toilet seat, do you?”

Sing we joyous all together! Fa la la la la la la la!

Drone

karma-drone-main

Whoa there, hotshot. Taking narcissism to all new heights is a drone called Karma. This flying selfie stick records you tooling around your favorite road, park, trail, or property line you’re trespassing on. Tool. An entirely necessary accessory for making a living in the business of self-promotion, you better get your hands on one of these nose-diving seagulls before GoPro is gone for good. Since issuing a full recall shortly after launch, there’s been no announcement of a re-release, perhaps because they’re too preoccupied with getting suedlaying people off, and dealing with unhappy ‘suits’ – gee wiz. If you’re gonna drone, at least program the damn thing to bring you a beer. Go on, Be a Hero.

Heedless of the wind and weather, Fa la la la la la la la!

Skulpt Chisel Scanner

Behold the Skult Chisel Scanner. Claiming to round out your cycling fitness this winter with strength work and cross-training. Skulpt’s Chisel scanner helps athletes identify their physiological strengths and psychological weaknesses by scanning different muscle groups and developing personal training plans to target weaker areas.

Last time I heard, that’s what wives were for…but wtf do I know? 

5p5a9480-1-800x533

fatlaw

This article was produced in collaboration with Wrighteous – the good lord above knows Cupcake don’t have all this kind of pent up anger.

Below are some other readings to get you in the holiday cheer.

Vol. 1

Bullshit You Don’t Need For The Holidays

Vol. 2

Bullshit You Don’t Need For The Holidays

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

12 thoughts on “Bullshit You Don’t Need For The Holidays (Vol. 3)

  1. My Stumpy came with the the steering tube chain tool. It snapped the first time I tried to use it. Luckily I had a back up. I m glad I didn’t spend the equivalent of two cases of beer on the damn thing but I did have to replace the top cap.
    Merry Fucking Christmas Everybody!
    Heading out for a cold ride.

  2. Abbey Ti Hammer, useless until you want to save a pound and a half on your tool kit because you’re a pro wrench dragging that heavy shit all around the fu@king world.

  3. With regard to the RaDKaPPe , that’s a helmet that whitewater kayakers wear & they’re damn hard case, ( the kayakers, not the helmet, which does have a hard case but I digress..)

    Seasons Greeting to all the DC family!!.

  4. First comment on this site. I really enjoyed the last two articles and l’m starting to get in to this site ! Reading this type of content makes me realise I’m maybe more normal than I picture myself. Thank you and Merry whatever

  5. Pingback: Bullshit You Don’t Need For The Holidays (Vol. 3) - Bike StoreBike Store