Who Invited the Fun Police?

So over the last few days we’ve all been having a good giggle at the chaos that unfolded at CX Nationals in Austin. Regardless of who’s to blame, somebody done fucked up. It’s a shitty situation, especially for those racers who got screwed out of a race. We feel for them the most. But after a few beers it was easy to enjoy some cheap shots at USAC’s expense and joke about how they could screw up a wet dream. I noticed a friend make a comment about how “…at least they haven’t fucked up fat biking yet.” Well lo and behold, looky here. Talk about jumping the shark. So they drop 24-hour nationals in lieu of a fat bike race? I mean do we really need a striped jersey for this? So I got to chatting with my fat bike pal Chewey in Minnesota, a.k.a. the anti-carbon guy at Fat-Bike.com. He’s at the core of the scene and I knew he’d have a more cultured opinion than myself.
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Chewey ~

After reading about what all happened in Austin TX last weekend it got me thinking about how are they going to fuck up a Fat Bike National race. That’s right, USAC is holding a Fat Bike National race on Feb 14 (does that date ring a bell to you?) in Ogden, UT.

First and foremost there already IS a National Championship. That race is being held on March 7th in Cable, WI on the world famous Birkensomethingorother course (it’s cross country skiing, who gives a shit what the course is called).

So let’s get the calendar straight. USAC is holding their first EVER fat bike National Championship race Feb 14, same day as 24 Hours of Old Pueblo, a race well known and well attended in AZ, but one that won’t go with USAC sanctioning. And a few weeks before the real National Championship in WI (again a non sanctioned race and in it’s 3rd yr) being held on March 7th, the same day as Pugsley World Championship which is in it’s 4-5 yr of existence (see a trend here?).
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Now that we’ve cleared that up, I went to the USAC calendar and went to register (not that I ever would have) for the Fat Tire Championship, seems like the only way to find out all the pertinent info for the race. For what I gather USAC has a standard form, with standard classifications, and an incredibly high entry fee. That did not include your racing license. Now I don’t race, but it looks to me like all these guys do is print this form add what ever race they can see as a money maker, insert the proper titles, location, and date and TA-DA we have a National Championship. They already have all the banners and shit they need to make it look good, I don’t think it got used much in Austin. Cause all you need to have a “world class” event is a form, fancy banners, a smarmy tittle for your organization and a town dumb enough to let you in. Now I’m not saying Ogden, UT is dumb. But Ogden, UT? Really? Fat Bike Capital of the good old USofA? Maybe, I don’t know, never been there. Might be a lovely city, good schools, churches, snow, 3.2 beer! 3.2 beer? I’m starting to smell a rat here. Does the USAC understand that fat bikes were made for riding through snow and shit to get to bon fires and drink real beer? Can you imagine the first stop in this race and all the have is 3.2? The striped jersey will go to the first DNF. This is my only knowledge of Ogden. Watch this an see if you can tell who actually rides a fat bike (racing or otherwise) and who’s from Ogden.

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The good thing is you have a choice, You can do a 24 hr race in the desert, or a pretend national championship in Utah. Or you can hold out a month and do a real National Championship in Wisconsin (that hurts just typing it) OR A WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP in Decorah, IA.
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Choose wisely ……… Nah fuck it, do what ever you want, fat biking will be dead is 2 yrs. It’s just a fad.

Our friend Spinner wrapped it up nicely…

“At least they identify that it is the USA Cycling Fat Bike National Championship. Kind of like if Formula 1 hosted a monster truck rally championship, or if the Kentucky Derby hosted the Running of the Bulls, or if Starbucks took over for Red Bull Rampage. At least they warned you that it’s a joke…”

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22 thoughts on “Who Invited the Fun Police?

  1. Tell me more about the steering wheel, man with microphone who “mountain bikes but has never heard of fat bikes”.

  2. Holy cow, it looks like USAC fucked the dog in Austin. And now they’re desperately searching for another dog.

    I’ve spent plenty of time in Ogden. I’ll probably never go back (except blowing through on the I-15), although the museum at Hill Air Force Base is completely fucking awesome.

    And Utah actually devised its very own method for labeling the alcoholic content of fermented malted grain beverages, in a limp-dick effort to confuse any tourists who might consider a 4% beer acceptable. LAME! LAME! LAME!

  3. Mikey, I googled “hill air force base museum”. That is just about the coolest thing I’ve ever seen. Thanks.

  4. I have a sudden urge to buy Paul Components stuff and take a shot…..seriously though why does the fatbike championship need to be ridden on snow? and in Lycra?

  5. Has anyone seen the course yet? Have we talked to there tree people? I think we start right there and a fuck for no reason at all.

  6. How the fuck do you have a fat bike race?

    Seriously. This is like having a world championship toboggan race: compared to those guys in bobsleds, you’re nowhere. What, are there minimum bike weights and minimum tire widths? Can I just show up on a XC hardtail and take the gold? Or is this a slow race – last one past the finish without falling over wins?

    I thought the idea of fat bikes was to have fun, not to go fast.

  7. How about not paying any mind to those whose opinions and efforts stem primarily from trying to go as fast as possible in circles, so you can have bragging rights the next time you meet up to repeat said stupid act (only to have some bureaucratic asshat screw you out of your “glory”, at least relating to recent events).

    Plenty of folks manage to do this anyway, but avoid the circles bit. or paying for the privilege.

    Racing, veganism, religious extremism, Strava, all kinda the same thing at the end of the day….

    Do you have a moment to talk about my last race results/plate full of murder/*my* (the only one, true) Lord/KOM’s?

  8. Currently cooking Chili for my birthday ride tomorrow. No results will be posted. What’s your “excuse” for tomorrows ride. More stories of high stokeage in the future please, I’m weary of all the in fighting amongst all us drunks.

  9. I’ve only experienced two good things in Utah: Moab & Red Bull Rampage.

    Part of the reason they were fun is because we brought our own beer and there were no obvious Mormans like you see in the cities in UT: the home of polygamy.

    I had the unfortunate experience of briefly working in Salt Lake and I’m imagining Ogden is a mini-Salt Lake. Would be Awesome if this race coincided with a Romney press conference announcing he will once again fail at running for Prez. And nobody showed up for either event.

  10. Hey-for anyone who actually does come for the pretend fatty nats-just don’t buy any beer in a grocery store! Find a Utah State liqo sto-yes the beer will be warm! Have a cooler ready-check out local brands EPIC BREWING, SQUATTERS, ROOSTERS which is located in Ogden. Same system as in Colorado-all the beer in the grocery stores is SHIT!!

  11. Or do what I do when I travel: Couple half gallons each of bourbon, vodka and rum. Good for two or three days.

  12. Fun police couldn’t stop the ToHellUride FatBike challenge, a leisurely lil 6 hr spin from 8750′ to 11,2′ and back via plenty of beer dispensing spots, fat bikes are slow until they’re not, nothing like a ski run at 50 mph in the dark. . the Silverton Whiteout 10 hr fat bike relay is coming up soon, you may recall the crew who put on SSWC’09 in Durango, well they haven’t forgotten how to throw a party and as befits them, the friday night before the event group ride is gonna be killer, , tell yer friendz. . http://stomparillaz.net