A couple years ago I wrote a post about crap you don’t need for the holidays and well, it’s that goofy time of year again and thought I’d put the 2014 list together (with some help from the other DC degenerates) of more crap that ain’t nobody got time fo:
- USAC License. USAC takes your money and kills fun. In fact, every time you buy a you-sack license, a brewery makes a session beer, and that shit ain’t cool.
- The Rise of Enduro, because in three years there will be The Fall of Enduro and it’s sure to have far less glamour and way more plotline. Would enduro even exist without cameras, bro?
- C02 Inflators. C02 is for races. Pumps are for training. Man up and stroke that shit. You’ll burn a few calories too, lard ass.
- Sobriety, because the moment you think you gotta quit is the moment you gotta go ride.
- Anything made by Rapha.
- $6, $7, and $8k + “production” model bikes. Fuck me that’s a lot of money.
- Anything “artisinal” and “sourced locally” or “craft”. Coffee, sandwiches, beer…You name it. Fucking stupid.
- Mumford and Sons, Nickleback, Taylor Swift, etc.
- Lance Armstrong. Fuck that guy.
- Electronic shifting. Sure, it works really, really nice, but most cats
neither need nor benefit from the money spent. You are not a
continental pro. If you were, that shit would be given to you to ride.
- Strava KOMs. Seriously. Stop swinging your dick around and creating
segments for every climb, downhill, and idiotic course through the
neighborhood. If you want to race, go race. Pay your entry fee and toe
the line. Otherwise, quit half-stepping. You are not a pro.
- Donut, peanut butter, or any other obscurely flavored beer.
- Masters racers using PEDs. Seriously? You’re a 50+ professional
with gobs of disposable income. You’re using testosterone, HGH, and
EPO? You are not a pro. Age with some grace. Let it go.
- Selfie sticks, when you arm just won’t do.
- Anything with the word “enduro” in it, bro.
- Leather artisan Etsy wine holder. If you’re the type of person that’s going to tool around on your bike carrying a bottle of wine with a leather strap, you probably aren’t even reading this post, and if you are, here’s a cycber bitch slap. Buy a King Cage rather and a flask and sip on some of grandpa’s cough medicine.
- Phone handlebar mount…Strava, dumb. Get a Stem CAPtain so you never miss bar time.
Hipster resturants and their $12/$13 dollar sandwiches. Big Jonny recently seen a pound of ground beef for $9.99 at one place. For fuck’s sake, you can get ground beef at Basha’s for sub-three bucks if you pay attention to the sales. Just check their on-line weekly ad. Ground beef @ $3.87 / lb. Right now.
Anyways, feel free to add any other bullshit you come across in the comments. From all of us here at Drunkcyclist, we wish you the tittiest of holidays.