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A couple years ago I wrote a post about crap you don’t need for the holidays and well, it’s that goofy time of year again and thought I’d put the 2014 list together (with some help from the other DC degenerates) of more crap that ain’t nobody got time fo:
- USAC License. USAC takes your money and kills fun. In fact, every time you buy a you-sack license, a brewery makes a session beer, and that shit ain’t cool.
- The Rise of Enduro, because in three years there will be The Fall of Enduro and it’s sure to have far less glamour and way more plotline. Would enduro even exist without cameras, bro?
- C02 Inflators. C02 is for races. Pumps are for training. Man up and stroke that shit. You’ll burn a few calories too, lard ass.
- Sobriety, because the moment you think you gotta quit is the moment you gotta go ride.
- E-Bikes.
- Anything made by Rapha.
- $6, $7, and $8k + “production” model bikes. Fuck me that’s a lot of money.
- Anything “artisinal” and “sourced locally” or “craft”. Coffee, sandwiches, beer…You name it. Fucking stupid.
- Mumford and Sons, Nickleback, Taylor Swift, etc.
- Lance Armstrong. Fuck that guy.
- Electronic shifting. Sure, it works really, really nice, but most cats
neither need nor benefit from the money spent. You are not a
continental pro. If you were, that shit would be given to you to ride. - Strava KOMs. Seriously. Stop swinging your dick around and creating
segments for every climb, downhill, and idiotic course through the
neighborhood. If you want to race, go race. Pay your entry fee and toe
the line. Otherwise, quit half-stepping. You are not a pro.
- Donut, peanut butter, or any other obscurely flavored beer.
- Masters racers using PEDs. Seriously? You’re a 50+ professional
with gobs of disposable income. You’re using testosterone, HGH, and
EPO? You are not a pro. Age with some grace. Let it go. - Selfie sticks, when you arm just won’t do.
- Anything with the word “enduro” in it, bro.
- Leather artisan Etsy wine holder. If you’re the type of person that’s going to tool around on your bike carrying a bottle of wine with a leather strap, you probably aren’t even reading this post, and if you are, here’s a cycber bitch slap. Buy a King Cage rather and a flask and sip on some of grandpa’s cough medicine.
- Phone handlebar mount…Strava, dumb. Get a Stem CAPtain so you never miss bar time.
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Hipster resturants and their $12/$13 dollar sandwiches. Big Jonny recently seen a pound of ground beef for $9.99 at one place. For fuck’s sake, you can get ground beef at Basha’s for sub-three bucks if you pay attention to the sales. Just check their on-line weekly ad. Ground beef @ $3.87 / lb. Right now.
Anyways, feel free to add any other bullshit you come across in the comments. From all of us here at Drunkcyclist, we wish you the tittiest of holidays.
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Pingback: Bullshit You Don’t Need For The Holidays | PEDAL CANTON
Spot on, except for session beers. There are good ones, and with them I can drink good beer and avoid the Coors/Milller/Bud light that someone else brought (fuck you that’s not beer!) or resorting to the cheap beer standard of Tecate/Lone Star/PBR. I drink them, and like them, but Boulevard Pop-Up and Founders All-Day IPA (in cans, of course) allow for the extended day drunk on good beer without the 8%+ head-fuck. If I want to drink, it’s whiskey. Because in the immortal works of Country Dick Montana: “I don’t care what your momma’s thinkin’. Everybody knows that beer ain’t drinkin'”
di2 fucking shreds, but is for assholes. also red is lighter and 1/2 the price. and in a year you get free parts cause everything failed. or ride force.
also good beer is good. fat turds sniffing their own farts via glass sucks though.
rapha sux.
So spot on indeed. Nice piece.
CO2 still rocks when mounting tubeless tyres …..and then you never need a pump (or CO2) out on the trail – just miles of smiles to enjoy followed by a tasty brew :D
Love that you included Lance Dickwad on a list of things you don’t need for Xmas. Any excuse to say fuck that guy is good enough. Good on ya, DC.
Works for me and thanks for the little titty campanology!
Hipster eye glasses with zero prescription lens, but 100% the look of a douche.
i kinda like Mumford…..
But not the people who like Mumford
Hey, I’m almost 50. Ride a 1996 rigid steal bike on technical single track and done use any enhancements except weed and that is mainly to keep me from killing all the assholes around me. I work hard to stay fit so i can kick the younger guys asses on the trails. Fuck you give it up! I’ll ride till the day I die! Happy holidays !!
Things we don’t need that I’ll add to the list:
Any contemporary pop/country star making christmas songs-
Luxury cars with giant bows on top-
All the stupid “selfies” and other shit people do with smart phones-
I am glad to see that I’m not the only one who is so disgusted with pop culture. See y’all in hell.
The word “bro”
Cyber bitch slap. Awesome!
I agree on USAC, but if you want to race where I live you have no choice. No USAC no race. Do disagree on the production bikes though, I love my Giant Anthem Advanced 1 along with the Propel with Di2 I use for the road. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
King cage is an artisanal, locally sourced craft water bottle cage with a fairly large price tag. Just sayin…..oh, and DC has mentioned enduro and it’s ‘rise’ more than anybody on the internet. Let it go for Xmas.
Oops, you forgot to mention “fuck specialized” in your unoriginal rant of easy targets. Let’s see; hipsters, enduro, expensive bike items, pop music, dentists and of course, lance. You almost got em all. Another ‘gem’ from the brain trust at DC.
“Holiday” flavored coffee bullshit.
Any coffee drink with the word “half-caff” in it. There’s only two ways to drink coffee: espresso single-shot, espresso multi-shot. If you need milk, suck a tit.
Riders that insist on smoking weed at the top of every fucking climb. I get it. You smoke. I’m down. So, hurry the fuck up and ride. I don’t have time for that shit every 30 minutes. If you need it that often, something tells me that you’re buying some lame-ass “setiva” bullshit “because it’s a nice mellow high”. If you can ride absolutely RIPPED, then you don’t really need to ride high. That’s shit is as “session-like” as stated above.
Ugly sweater contests.
‘Nuff said.
I’m a 51 yr old Mtb racer and my girlfriend LOVES the PEDs I’m on. Ooops…wrong thread!
I agree with Mr. jefe; there are some pretty delicious ‘session’ beers out there, specifically the dry-hopped IPAs which aren’t so goddamned bitter as the over-the-top, what-the-fuck IPAs that riddle the beer cooler at Abdul el Convenience these days. For fucks sake.
I also agree with Mr. Down-under regarding CO2 inflators. I self-rescue several times per season on average. I can patch and reinflate a tube without taking the wheel off in about two minutes. Also, in the karma dept., I usually rescue at least one or two other cyclists every season.
And you forget to add tri-dorks to the list. No one needs tri-dorks. Fuck sakes.
On a related note, I heard that enduro shoes are heavy.
Rubber side down, brothers and sisters. See you out there.
Cyanide and Happiness has a good comic about those selfie sticks today: http://explosm.net/comics/3786/ .
Love the list. It’s warm out today, so I’m going to go for a ride. Some time on two wheels is all I want for the holidays.
Don’t need snow. At least until I can afford a Pugsley.
Don’t need ice. But I gots studded tires in 26″ and 700, so got that covered.
Don’t need the barometer to go this way and that, what with degenerative back problems, old injuries and arthritis. But I got booze, and my chiropractor is a wizard.
Did I mention I like booze and it’s both cheap and plentiful?
Happy Festivus, y’all. Hope you all have your poles up. Not too late to draw up your list of grievances. Have all y’all been practicing your feats of strength?
Bitch Slap ?
In straya (Australia) oz! its an fn Shirt Front!
Just ask our fearless leader Tony Rabbid! Who was going to Russia to Shirt Front Putin!
He is a man who rides and wears budgie smugglers when he is at the beach!
He knows everythink and anythink! All from his suppository of wisdom!
DI 2 rocks fuck replacing cables! CXing on single trail at twice the speed of a mtn dual susp whilst in the drops! zzt zzt zzt!
Just Sayin!
I thought being a hater on just about everything was a true sign that one is a hipster… Merry Christmas Hipsters!!!
To wit, malted-grain-beverage-wise:
https://flic.kr/p/quieGM
All they talk about over there is mountain biking and snowboarding, but I seen some raspy old skiers in there too.
Actors.
We don’t need actors, we especially don’t need them to talk about anything at all, on TV shows or the news, or at award ceremonies put on by other actors for actors banging on about themselves.
Aerobars and compression socks on the river path…..if I can blow you up after a couple 5-6 left hand milk stouts in my full squish ride….your tri-bike lifestyle ain’t working out so well.
I got a bottle of the world’s best hooch (www.burnflickerdie.com), and my entry fee for the Whiskey 50. Life is good.
I hadn’t heard the phrase session beer until I read this. Less than 12 hours later I heard it uttered in conversation. Disliking people like yourself? Hipster. I a hipster. And I used to be cool. I swear. Fuck it I’m going for a ride.
Wheelsets that have a weight limit.
“I’m so cool that I was nerdy before it was mainstream” sort of thing. That’s something I believe we could do without.
World’s best hooch? That truly is a score.
But I can’t complain. Got a bottle of decent Bourbon, two bottles of serviceable vodka and a fifth of Jack.
The Bourbon is almost gone, the vodka will go in the cabinet as reserve supplies, and the Jack will come out when someone worth sharing it with comes by the house.
burnflickerdie, you say? I must check this out.
no expectations neither so just pedal already
and Fuck Rapha
Cupcake, you are a fucking whiny wet blanket. There will always be shit that some people like which you don’t. Stop being such a whiny bitch, you’re not changing anyone’s minds just like they aren’t changing yours. Ride your fucking bike, have fun, and drop the elitest BS.