Compton Kills It; USAC Blows It

Katie Compton. Her blood runs like beer. Her legs pump like...tap handles. Her bike flows over trails like...beer. I'm losing this simile battle.

Katie Compton. Her blood runs like beer. Her legs pump like…tap handles. Her bike flows over trails like…beer. I’m losing this simile battle.

I had the good fortune to nab myself a press pass to Cyclocross Nationals in Boulder this past week, and I saw a good bit of awesome racing. Early in the week I could hardly believe I was at a USAC race, since people seemed to be having fun. They even embraced the fact that Drunkcyclist had shown up to do hand-ups (thanks to our friend Shot Glass), as they called it out proudly numerous times on the P.A. They seemed tickled that we were there to lend some fun and merriment to the occasion.

Turns out USAC is, as I suspected, just a bunch of two-faced d-bags. I give the race report below so y’all know the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But let’s start with the racing, because that was some badassery and I got some great shots of it all going down.

I want to start off with the  baddest badass out on the course any day that week. Seriously, a ton of respect for this woman right here:

Fuck.Yes.

Fuck.Yes.

This woman took a header first lap, got up, kept rolling. When she came by, she said, “I went over the bars.” I yelled back, “Who cares? You look like a total badass!” She smiled and kept plugging. Gotta respect that. Raise a glass to her.

The next tip o’ the whisky goes to DC champ Shot Glass. She was there every day, giving beer and hot dog hand-ups, gettin’ rowdy, putting smiles on peoples’ faces (until the cops shut her down…more on that in a minute).

 

Beer Handup...at least for a little while.

Beer Handup…at least for a little while.

Beer. Bikes. Wieners. DC all the way.

Beer. Bikes. Wieners. DC all the way.

I have no idea who these dudes are, but they also came to get rowdy. Thanks for chillin' with DC, you furry bastards.

I have no idea who these dudes are, but they also came to get rowdy. Thanks for chillin’ with DC, you furry bastards.

Some pornos start off this way.

Some pornos start off this way.

Adults get beer. Kids get wieners. Shot Glass had something for everyone.

Adults get beer. Kids get wieners. Shot Glass had something for everyone.

Flight of the Pale Ale. (Contrary to popular belief, this beer was not thrown AT someone. It was thrown OVER someone).

Flight of the Pale Ale. (Contrary to popular belief, this beer was not thrown AT someone. It was thrown OVER someone).

Friend of DC Timmy “The Future” Allen threw down, and all other dicks were ground into the dirt. He won the singlespeed national championship handily, and in the elite race, he had a mechanical…so he finished the race on his singlespeed. The Future is, indeed, now.

4J6A5033 4J6A5162 4J6A5334 IMG_8385

Here’s some other racer-stuff that happened:

Ryan Trebon is literally nineteen feet tall.

Ryan Trebon is literally nineteen feet tall.

4J6A5072

Jonathan Page was a non-factor in this race, surprisingly enough.

Jonathan Page was a non-factor in this race, surprisingly enough.

Screen-Shot-2014-01-11-at-4.53.32-PM Screen-Shot-2014-01-11-at-4.52.14-PM

It's rare to spot a beard in Boulder. Just like it's rare to spot a Patagonia jacket.

It’s rare to spot a beard in Boulder. Just like it’s rare to spot a Patagonia jacket.

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The off-camber section was gnarly toward the end of the week when it dried out. A lot of folks wiped out here.

The off-camber section was gnarly toward the end of the week when it dried out. A lot of folks wiped out here.

Carnage. First lap. No bueno.

Carnage. First lap. No bueno.

As 40 Hands said after the race, they may have to chop off one of Katie Compton's legs to even the playing field a bit. She ran away with this race...wasn't even close. It was my favorite race to watch...she's an amazing rider to see blow past you.

As 40 Hands said after the race, they may have to chop off one of Katie Compton’s legs to even the playing field a bit. She ran away with this race…wasn’t even close. It was my favorite race to watch…she’s an amazing rider to see blow past you.

Okay, I’m putting this part at the end of the post because I think it’s fucking ridiculous, but I wanted everyone to know that some cool shit happened at the race. Hence all the photos. The competition was awesome. It was fun to see real athletes getting rowdy out there.

But here’s where the bullshit started.

DC was there, on the 5280 run-up, all damn week, doing hand-ups and putting smiles on peoples’ faces. The announcers called us out pretty much consistently through the week, saying things like, “You know it’s a cross race when Drunkcyclist shows up to do hand-ups!” They loved the fact that we were there…until the last day.

So let me spell it out clearly for you: they loved us until they didn’t. When the crowds responded well to us, we were heroes. When someone complained, we were goats. Here’s what went down.

Our girl Shot Glass was ready at the steps for the Elite races. She said to me, just before the races started, that she wasn’t going to do hand-ups for the Elites until the very end, because, fuck, these guys are here to compete, but if you’re at the end of the race and you’re well out of it, why not take a hand-up? If they want to abide by the rules, the riders can simply walk on past, right?

So that was the plan.

Unfortunately, Shot Glass got shut down before the race even started.

This is the first time the cop came over. No one made a fuss; it wasn't that big a deal, so we shut it down, no complaints.

This is the first time the cop came over. No one made a fuss; it wasn’t that big a deal, so we shut it down, no complaints.

All seemed well. Shot Glass went over to the other side of the run-up, where the beer garden was (which was full of children, by the way). Not five minutes passed when some lady comes charging down to us saying, “You’re Drunkcyclist! You posted a video of you throwing beer and if you do that today we’ll have you arrested for assault!”

After I gave this lady a piece of my mind, I ascertained that she was the course marshal, and a huge twat. We said, A) We posted no such video; that wasn’t us. B) We have done nothing wrong today. The cop asked us not to do hand-ups and we have obliged. C) You’re a douche.

She continued to throw threats our way, until she went to the cops up the stairs…who kindly paid us a second visit for no goddamn reason.

Shot Glass makes her case. D2 takes advantage of perfect logo placement.

Shot Glass makes her case. D2 takes advantage of perfect logo placement.

Okay, we’ve now been chided three times for doing absolutely nothing. In the mean time, hand-ups are happening all over the course. Beers are thrown. I witness this with my own eyes.

When I return to the run-up, a cop is talking to Shot Glass, again, though she hasn’t done anything wrong…again.

Shot Glass tells me this was the good cop.

Shot Glass tells me this was the good cop.

So basically, when USAC sees the crowd wants the rowdiness, they have no problem piggybacking on our name. But when the crowd gets bigger, they have no problem throwing us under the bus.

That’s cool, USAC. We didn’t like you anyway, but you ain’t doing much for your reputation…once again.

That said, it was a fun week, Shot Glass held down the fort at the 5280 run up, and most of the spectators (and racers) enjoyed her shenanigans. There was only one douchey racer who couldn’t handle it—we’ll call him Princess Cat 5—and took the time to come and throw a beer in Shot Glass’s face. I wasn’t there, but I’m told she took it with grace, and a moment later another racer came up, took a hand-up, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Because some guys can handle it. And some guys can’t.

Princess Cat 5, it’s cool. Enjoy the bottom five of your next Cat 5 race.

Everyone else, you know the drill: Ride Bikes. Drink Beer. Go Fuck Yourself.

Last but not least, full galleries from the races here.

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About D2

I am a writer and a photographer. I never killed a man in Reno, but I once rode a bike through a casino in Vegas. Bikes are cool, huevos rancheros are for breakfast, whiskey is for dinner. Denver, Colorado, USA

38 thoughts on “Compton Kills It; USAC Blows It

  1. There is a video of shot glass throwing a small cup of beer at a cyclist. Don’t know who posted it. Didn’t seem like a big deal

  2. Blow me USAC!!! You can come to any gravel event you want to. Not only is it ok but drinking and hand-ups are soon to be required. I like the little 2 oz amber hand-ups.

  3. Some people do not know what the real meaning of a true CX race is. Shame. Also, that woman who took a header, She is awesome. Sounds like she took it like a champ and a real CX’er.

  4. That lady was Sandy Mercurio Racing the ladies 50-54 BADASS…..

    Sandy Mercurio Boulder, CO 39:14 349978 248Y Groove Subaru Excel Sports

  5. Thanks for the beer shots. And FYI any and all times full beers are within grabbing distance of me while racing will be confiscated and drunk!

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  7. I’m not trying to defend USAC, but instead just giving some perspective on the 5280 run-up lameness during the elite races. I’ve lived in Boulder for a long time, and have been around enough USAC races to say this with certainty.

    Boulder cops don’t live in Boulder (as in they aren’t part of the community and don’t have to look their neighbors in the eye on a daily basis), which is why they suck so much and take every opportunity to be dicks to the people who do. You think USAC blows, they don’t hold a candle to the bullshit Boulder PD gets away with.

    Course martials are almost always volunteers, and many of them are bike racers and reasonably good folks too. But, watch out for the ones who aren’t. It’s the ones who aren’t (you know, the short fat ladies, full of spite and hate, who are working for USAC on a weekend warrior basis) that you have to watch out for. For that pathetic minority, it’s their one power weekend out of their shitty meaningless year to exact their need for authority over good people having fun, and they typically suck donkey balls.

  8. Dearest DrunkCyclist, I love you and what you do for the douchebag cyclist scene here in CO. Was it USAC or was it one of the dumb ass scardie road bitches I have to race CX with every damn week? CO cross has a huge stick up its ass and its horrible that you were treated as such. Please keep fighting the good fight, we love you!

  9. DC / D2 should do a story and photos of Sandy and Shot Glass, be cool to read about their point of view

  10. D2, good to see you out there and thanks for the great photos and props! Shot glass, thank you for what you do, you’re a real american hero and a national champion in my book! Haters gonna hate, so lets play on…

    Have fun or fuck off

    Where in the world is Big Jonny?

  11. Would love to track down Sandy and do an interview with her. Shot Glass, we can definitely get her perspective.

    And Tim, way to shred out there! shoot me an e-mail if you like any of the photos. I can comp you one or two…

  12. Will someone please inform Ms. Shot Glass that she’s adorable and I want to marry her. Or at least get drunk with her.

    And how can you NOT admirer a woman whose initials are KFC? Damn.

    PS— I’ve watched the Epic Rides animated gif of Scott girl slapping santa like two hundred times. Imma go watch a few more times right now.

  13. My favorite quote from a USAC official at a CX race, after a little debate over the sleeve length on my jersey, yelling “Don’t wrinkle your number!. Don’t wrinkle your number!”, as I wrinkle my number before pinning it on. Beeahtcccchhhh!!!

  14. @DB— You certainly do live large, good sir.

    Please inform Leslie Paterson that she’s adorable and I want to marry her. Or at least get drunk with her.

  15. I heard several stellar reviews of Shot Glass. A friend of a friend who was seriously suffering through his race only survived — so I’m told — thanks to her beer handup. “I NEED A BEER!” he begged as he shuffled up the stairs. She obliged and his day was made. And, having been the recipient of a bacon handup during an 18-hour mountain bike race, I know how magical, how life-saving, how JOYOUS that little burst of salt (or liquor) can be when you’re in the darkest depths of the pain cave. So even though I didn’t race, I thank Shot Glass for her public service.

  16. Why did you have to mention that KFC lady? Not that I have one thing against her, or have even met her for that matter. But now I’m Jonesing for some chicken. And a beer. Oh well.

  17. I stood with a group of four and watched “Shot Glass” throwing beers at racers’ faces on what we counted to be four separate occasions. This was on Saturday at 2:30 during the Master’s 30+ race. All fine and good to offer beer handups, but don’t lie about what really happened.

  18. Uh, lie about what really happened? Go read the post. Where did I lie?

    Let’s be clear: I was working at the time. I was running around taking photos. I didn’t babysit Shot Glass. Did she throw beers? Probably. Did they go in peoples’ faces? I haven’t got a clue because I wasn’t there. I was recounting something that happened on Sunday, when I WAS there, so whatever you saw on Saturday at 2:30, well, who the fuck knows.

    That said, I ain’t lying about shit. I’m telling the story from my point of view.

  19. Thank you to all who laughed and had fun this past week at cxnats.

    Those that think beer was intentionally thrown at any racer’s face, it was not.

    Go ride your bike and drink beer, life’s too short.

  20. ^ So, you’re a douchebag and a liar. Good job.

    I’m glad the Cat 5 Princess said something. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t have the guts to say something to you at the time as well.

  21. Yes J, douchebag and liar. Right on. Spot-on logic. You’ve got your mind made up, and that’s cool. This here’s the website I write for, so it’s where I get to tell my side of the story.

    So over here, in DC land, the story is told. We’re all drinking beers now. Feel free to join us if you want. Otherwise, I’m sure there’s another USAC race getting ready to happen somewhere. If you don’t enjoy our company, I bet you can find some more Cat 5 Princesses there.

  22. “I’m glad the Cat 5 Princess said something.”

    Mr. J—

    So are we all.

    Just for different reasons than yours.

    Rubber side down, brother. See you out there.

  23. J. It is funny to hear someone call out D2 as a “liar”. It is just so petulant. Just like people that complain about “nothing.” Beer in the face? What a bunch of pussies we have become. If you are racing cross the way you should be you wouldn’t notice it. Go back to making new rules for anything and everything so you can feel like you are in charge.

  24. FUCK OFF USAC!
    Thank baby Jesus for proper events like:
    - SSAZ
    - Pirate cXc
    - Anything involving beer, bikeS and unsanctioned.

    P.S. EAT A BOWL OF DICKS USAC!

  25. “Ride Bikes. Drink Beer. Go Fuck Yourself.”
    WOW, that is the tagline of my life!!!!

    Just found this site, good stuff guys!

  26. The panda and rainbow wig crew…get familiar with the Real Team Super Awesome. T$A. Good people who help make Texas CX even more fun. Come to Austin next year and see them at their best, at home.

    As far as the USAC hate, are they really the bad guys here? I mean, sounds like one course marshall (not an official really) had a serious stick up their ass and made a stink, doesn’t sound like any USAC official came and gave shit… No big love for USAC but lets not cast wide blame on them if it isn’t really warranted. You will not have to wait long to piss and moan about them, they’ll fuck something up again soon enough. (How about the more expensive all encompassing licenses?)

    If beers were thrown in faces, maybe not so cool, but as mentioned, if a beer in the face is what bothers you then you probably need to get out of cx, or bike racing in general. Inor shit compared with the other pains. I person
    I personally find getting sprayed with sweat and snot pretty disgusting and still race…and I am not so tough.
    Now, my big complaint, DC shows up in force for fuckin USAC nats, but where was the presence during the AZ CX season? I mean, fuck, I only got beer hand ups from the UofA crew…who did a great job of keeping cx fun this season at several races. We may need to discuss the local presence before next year. Bottoms up.