10 Steps to Not Be a Post Ride Chode

I just got back from the bathroom, I had to vomit for a while to purge myself of this amateur bullshit. Don’t ask me why I sat through the whole thing, I could feel my blood pressure rising with each passing second of that clip. This article came through my news feed (I won’t name the source) and I clicked on it. Hey, we all make mistakes. Nevertheless, it inspired me to make my own top 10 list on how to not be a total fucking chode after your ride. Feel free to add any other steps in comments below.

Step 1: First and foremost, drink a goddamn beer. Beer is absolutely critical for recovery after any sort of strenuous activity, on the bike or off the bike, just have a beer. Skip the shitty tasting protein shakes and whatnot and just keep it real. Relax, go for the cold and go for the gold, you deserve it champ.

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Step 2: Don’t wash your bike. A clean bike is a retirement community in Florida. Also, don’t take off your kit, don’t look at your stats, don’t stretch, just sit there and chill. Get comfortable, grab a bag of chips and some beef jerky, drink your beer, and surf on over to the blue page to post something funny on our wall.

Step 3: Smoke a cigar because that’s what winners do.

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Step 4: Grab another beer and go cut down a tree (you’ll need it for later).

Step 5: Don’t check any stats from your ride, unless you were being a STRAVA Terrorist, in which case, yes, check those stats you KOM stealing sunofabitch.

Step 6: Somebody say pizza?

Step 7: Beer, more beer.

Step 8: If she (he) is around, ask her (him) to help you wash your bike, if she (he) declines, ask if she (he) will take a shower with you. It’s proven science that people have their best sex after riding bikes. No kidding.

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Step 9: Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and call your homies.

Step 10: Start a big ass fire with all that tree you cut down, get back on your bike, and take the next Fuck Yea Friday picture because then you’ll be famous.

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Have a good weekend kids.

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About Cupcake

Twisted mind with simple pleasures. A bike ride and a beer will suffice.

28 thoughts on “10 Steps to Not Be a Post Ride Chode

  1. Being retired ruins the concept of Friday. I kinda miss it.

    Notice I said kinda.

    PS: That chick licking the bike needs help.

  2. Have you thought about forming a church, this shit is better than dogma. In fact, it is dogma that can be appreciated without having to tell somebody you jerk off regularly in the shower.

    and yeah, the original youtube video had me wanting to stab myself with the keyboard at step 1, so I’d recommend some cheap beer to wash the vomit out before you rehydrate with something appropriate, like Guinness.

  3. Didn’t even get past step one on the video or article. Can’t do too many beers being a poor teacher, but did get one in. It was many hours later after grillin time at dinner, but I have started the recovery process.

  4. The cigar is a serious issue, for I can’t get one, because I just am not educated in how. But beer, and showers with women, and a Fuck Yeah Friday shot is wicked cool, and cutting down a big tree has always been a childhood dream. Totally down with that

  5. Any mechanic that goes after a bike with a pressure washer outside of a muddy cx race needs to be shot.

  6. Hate to break it to you experienced woodsmen, but a tree you just chopped down will not burn unless it happened to be a well-seasoned snag. Just get in your Prius and turn on the heater.

  7. ‘Kay, here goes:

    1-@Step2-”…first take off your kit…” Since when is cutoffs and a t-shirt “kit”? But I usually strip down to my boxers. Keeps mud from getting on the La-Z-Boy, dontchaknow.

    2-Fuck Step 3. As Freud said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. Not to open that can of worms; no, all of that is your business. But that foul stench does a number on my allergies, to the point where I’d be off the bike for a couple of days. Can I just have another beer instead?

    3-@ Step 9-Usually I just skip ahead to that one. Does this mean I have a drinking problem?

    kthxbai,

    Joe

  8. Yesterday I tore ass down an awesome trail I’d never been on. I came home. My wife had lunch ready for me and some good cheap wine. I then fucked her over the side of the couch. I then went out and rode another new trail, and hit the greatest downhill that I’ve yet ridden. The point is, 1) My wife is the shit, 2) It was a great day, 3) I had to tell someone.

  9. Pogue, them shenanigans is pretty much over between me and Mrs. Joe. She was hit by an 18 wheeler. Couple more inches and she’d be dead, so three months in the hospital, a year and a half in a wheelchair and nine surgeries almost seems like a bargain, just to have her here with me. We’ll celebrate our 34th come September, God willing, and I’m still crazy about her.

    And she gets it, this thing between me and the bike. She can’t do it anymore, but she gets it. Did I mention I’m crazy about her?

    Oh yeah, and she still makes a kickass lunch. If you ever ride the C&O, when you hit mile 124.2 hit me up. We’ll ride, we’ll eat and we’ll pull a cork.

    Take care, buddy. And give your Mrs. our best.

  10. @Pouge

    The woman of my life is long gone.

    No. She ain’t dead. She divorced my sorry ass because I ignored her. Ya know. Work. Family. This. That.

    So keep up the good work. And make sure you clean that couch.

  11. Ummm, hack? Got a minute, buddy? The main reason I love my bike so is that it has no motor, save yours truly. I truly, utterly and sincerely hate, loathe and despise all things gasburning.

    Hack, I sense that your heart is in the right place. Put some right thinking videos up there, why don’t you? It’s your soul, after all.

  12. Oh yeah, and hack, just remember-Any weak-assed bitch can twist a throttle.

  13. I’ve never hit 100mph on any type of vehicle but I just appreciate the total committment needed to drive the monsters that Senna and his like did – on the limit. One could argue that they were more “raw” then some of the convoluted bicycles you see out there today.Senna actually put out a pretty sweet line of MTB’s just before his death – and I’m guessing he could have rode the hell out of them. They’re pretty nice looking bikes. Check ‘em out” http://arancionebicicletta.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/ayrton-senna/

  14. Amen brother. I am a fat ass, beer drinking,slow rider. Had post ride beers, steak for dinner, and some Eagle Rare single cask bourbon after dinner. Slow down and enjoy life brothers!

  15. 12 hour, 2-man team at 24 Hours of Wausau on Saturday. Clicked off 7 10-mile laps all within 2 minutes of each other…powered by New Glarus, brats and cheese curds from the night before. Ate 2 protein bars, couple bananas, and some cupcakes made with a healthy dose of Sailor Jerry rum for sustenance. Had my first Spotted Cow down the hatch before I even crossed the finish line. I love being a Drunkcyclist. Props to the dude who saw the DC sticker on my Voodoo and called it out.

  16. That video, which I sat all the way through because I am apparently a glutton for punishment, should have been called “how to be a roadie dickhead and not have a life in the process.”

  17. At recommendation #1: every day is a fucking strenuous event. Beers all around!

  18. Beer for the day I had is like a Bandaid on a sucking chest wound. Vodka rocks seems to be working.

  19. Beer may not be the perfect recovery drink but its close f’ng enough for me. Me and my bros did the BC Bike race this summer and immediately after the ride Sgt Smith would hand me a cold Canadian brew that I would gladly put down then I would sit for several hours putting down beer after beer, and team Dirty Hippy placed 17 outa 37 in the men’s open team div. So there you go, Proof Positive, Drinking a six pack and a half a night post race for 7 days in a row is how the real men and women get the job done. Not that we went without beer before the race or after for that matter. I think what I’m saying is Beer, it’s what’s for dinner.