I just got back from the bathroom, I had to vomit for a while to purge myself of this amateur bullshit. Don’t ask me why I sat through the whole thing, I could feel my blood pressure rising with each passing second of that clip. This article came through my news feed (I won’t name the source) and I clicked on it. Hey, we all make mistakes. Nevertheless, it inspired me to make my own top 10 list on how to not be a total fucking chode after your ride. Feel free to add any other steps in comments below.
Step 1: First and foremost, drink a goddamn beer. Beer is absolutely critical for recovery after any sort of strenuous activity, on the bike or off the bike, just have a beer. Skip the shitty tasting protein shakes and whatnot and just keep it real. Relax, go for the cold and go for the gold, you deserve it champ.
Step 2: Don’t wash your bike. A clean bike is a retirement community in Florida. Also, don’t take off your kit, don’t look at your stats, don’t stretch, just sit there and chill. Get comfortable, grab a bag of chips and some beef jerky, drink your beer, and surf on over to the blue page to post something funny on our wall.
Step 3: Smoke a cigar because that’s what winners do.
Step 4: Grab another beer and go cut down a tree (you’ll need it for later).
Step 5: Don’t check any stats from your ride, unless you were being a STRAVA Terrorist, in which case, yes, check those stats you KOM stealing sunofabitch.
Step 6: Somebody say pizza?
Step 7: Beer, more beer.
Step 8: If she (he) is around, ask her (him) to help you wash your bike, if she (he) declines, ask if she (he) will take a shower with you. It’s proven science that people have their best sex after riding bikes. No kidding.
Step 9: Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and call your homies.
Step 10: Start a big ass fire with all that tree you cut down, get back on your bike, and take the next Fuck Yea Friday picture because then you’ll be famous.
Have a good weekend kids.by