My first time with Lance Armstrong

My first time with Lance Armstrong was in the summer of 2000.

I was participating in the American Lung Association’s BIGRIDE. But first, a bit of background is needed.

In 1998, I decided to try to get my shit together and get me some edu-ma-cation. I enrolled in an art school and my goal was to be Frank Kozik, basically. Let’s just say, I got enough out of school to get myself into trouble. Repeatedly.

So in December ’98, I was getting ready to finish my first semester at an officially accredited university.

Then my father died of a massive coronary heart attack. Dead. Gone. 3 days before my first semester ended. Fuck.

My uncle had been appointed as executor of my father’s will and long story short, he had a lot to take care of.

Around New Year’s I had to move into a new room with one roommate and I read in one of his magazines about the BIGRIDE. ‘Sounds interesting’ I thought. ‘If there was only a way to do it for Heart Disease… but we take the opportunities we get, right? So I discussed it with my uncle who told me, “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, it’s for a good cause and, to be honest, it’s something none of the people you are friends with will EVER do. You should do it.”

I signed up that evening.

Living in San Francisco, you would think I had more than enough rides to prepare. I didn’t. I never even rode Mt. Tam. I had never covered 100 miles in one day (recommended by the organizers as training.) I didn’t do shit. My roommate (who turned me on to DC years ago) will testify that my training consisted of 12 packs of Budweiser longnecks and 1 pound boxes of Cheez-its. No. Joke. I rode maybe 150 miles TOTAL before the ride.

(He later told me everyone had a running bet that I wouldn’t last a week. Turns out sheer will counts for more than training in some cases.)

To the point:

I wasn’t a cyclist by any means, and I was ill-prepared for what lay ahead of me. But, I soldiered on. Day after day, mile after mile. By the time we reached our first rest day, I was absolutely fucked. My Achilles was creaking like the hinge in an old haunted house outside of Spokane.

I got over it and got even stronger. I was never the fastest or strongest, but I could grind down the mileage day after day and only had a few lost miles due to mechanicals and one or two days of ‘Camp Crud’.

I think it was in New Ulm, Minnesota when a large group of us were in some redneck bar and we convinced the barkeep to run the TDF on the TV. It was the same day when Armstrong pulled up to Pantani and was like, ‘Come on…Let’s do this…’ and pulled Pantani to the top then handed him the stage, as a show of respect.

Try to explain to a bunch of rednecks why an American would throw away a win to an Italian; especially when it’s a “buncha faggots on bikes” and you’re gonna have a hard time.

It was the best afternoon of the entire 48 days. (40 days in the saddle, 8 rest days.)

To this day, I still remember how awesome it was watching a part of history while making my own history in a similar fashion. I had no idea about doping or Festina or stages or points or anything. (I’m still clueless, more or less…) But, I knew one thing. An American was going to win the biggest bike race again, and I was doing something similar.

Years later Big Jonny said something that stuck with me to this day. “They all dope. All of them. If they didn’t, the same guys would win, just going 5kmh slower.” (Not guaranteed to be an 100% accurate quote.)

It doesn’t matter to me. What he did, doping or not is an achievement for any person. 7 time winner of the arguably hardest race in the world. Doped or not, that’s something.

What kills me is he used his success to propel his cause (noble as it may be) and in respect profited financially from it. He gave hope to so many other survivors while only achieving it through doping.

Cheating.

Lance, I will never respect you for doping or lying for all these years. I will never look up to you as a role model. I will never forgive you for year after year of lying to my face.

But, what you did was, without a doubt, amazing.

You fucking liar.

—BP aka Christian Cotterman, Bigride 2000 rider and still avid cyclist.

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About bikepunk

“Cuts, scrapes, bruises… all in a day’s riding. Then it’s off for some good german beer in a local biergarten.” Munich, Germany

32 thoughts on “My first time with Lance Armstrong

  1. Everybody needs to get over this Lance Bullshit, cheat or not he has done more on one nut than I, or you are ever going to accomplish in a whole lifetime and that includes my combat tour to Afghanistan and from what I remember I may have spent a year in Korea.

    I just hope that one day we can all look back and realize that we are the ones that caused him to cheat by pressuring him to win.

    And another thing, Fuck the UCI those people are the real ass clowns for not holding a standard that prevents people from cheating in the first place, I piss in a cup in from of some meat gazer at random and I know that he is gonna stare at my cock until the last drop misses the cup and goes right on my damn hand. I think that the UCI could hire some weirdo like that for pretty cheap.

  2. I didn’t pressure Lance to cheat, none of us made him cheat. He cheated to win, and he won. He became famous and rich because he won. He’s a whore and he fucked everyone for fortune and fame.

  3. Felt so dirty after watching Lance suck Oprah’s dick that I had to shower twice last night and again this morning. Gotta admit, even in disgrace dude keeps himself relevant. “LA Comeback II” will pay off for him in the end. It has to, he’s gonna need the money.
    But first, Dr. Phil has to peel his onion tonight. And believe me, we will all cry. Only then will can the Phoenix begin to rise from the ashes. It will take time, but America will love him again!
    PS-Looking forward to seeing you guys in line at Barnes-n-Noble for the book signing!

  4. Don’t know if we ran across each other but our shop ran a shuttle to your camp in Rapid City for riders needing mechanicals. That was a cool event, in the few hours you guys and gals were in town I met and wrenched on a ton of bikes. Even repaired an OCLV BB with super glue…………wonder if that guy managed to finish the ride? It was a last ditch repair. Some nice chic from SF I think it was even brought me a big jug of Gatorade to get me through the day since we were so slammed at the shopThanks for bringing that ride up, I had not thought of it in ages. Oh, yeah, I watched Lance but Ride the Divide was on DOC and way better, those folks like the Bigride folks are the TRUE heros!

  5. Ill I have to say is THANKS JONNY FOR GETTING RID OF THE FUCK SHIT SITE we had to navigate for a few weeks And going OG.

  6. Not sure what you mean by OG (typo, maybe?) but +1 on the new look. Much easier for these old eyes.

  7. …well, that interview certainly puts to rest any concerns i have about the humble texan’s sincerity…

    …obviously a warm, loving & delightful human being…

  8. That interview was as boring and worthless I imagine every OPRAH interview is. Nothing left to tell. Lesson is don’t be the last rat off the sinking ship especially when you’re the biggest rat and all the other rats hate your guts cause you’ve shit all over them for the last 15 years

  9. Agree with Hack.

    Lance spent years screwing over an awful lot of people and now, thanks to the efforts of people like Tygart, the credibility needle points the other direction. All of those other rats that got rolled by the Pharmstrong machinery are having their day.

    Bottom line, you live by the sword, you die by the sword. Lance’s ego wouldn’t let him stay hidden in retirement and now it’s tearing him down. I for one am glad to see it happen.

  10. And yet, I have this lingering sensation that we all know who won those seven bicycle races.

    The Lance Armstrong debacle says as much about us as it does about him, don’t you think?

  11. Yet more Bread and Circus.

    This is no different than any paris hilton,jersey shore,lady gaga,boo boo bin laden bullshit.Turn it off.

  12. Lance can not come clean. And the major issue is that he is accused of being the mastermind of a doping conspiracy. His use of PED and being a bully is just conformation of his basic personality but not all that surprising to most.

    If he admits that he was the leader of the doping program for his team he would be admitting to being the head of a criminal conspiracy. That is a serious federal felony, personal doping is not. Even providing the dope to others is not as serious of a crime as being the head of a ‘criminal conspiracy to dope.’ And that is exactly what he is being accused of along with some lessor offenses of using PED and being a bully.

    He talked to his lawyers just before the interview. They likely told him to admit to using PED’s, blood doping and bulling people because there is little criminal legal problems that can occur to him for that admission. It will open him up to financial issues but those can be solved by putting his money and possessions in a trust corporation. That will protect them from any legal recourse he may experience. He likely has already done this in preparation for his outing which he had to know would eventually happen.

    However, he was also accused of being the head of the team’s ‘doping organization.’ That is an entirely different charge and one that carries serious legal penalties of incarceration for a long time.

    Therefor he can not admit to being the head of a criminal conspiracy for the use of PED’s and blood doping and remain a free man. At the least it would cost him a lot of money to fight the law suit, likely most or all of his money, good lawyers are expensive as OJ knows.

    This is a ‘catch 22′ problem for lance. One he can not easily solve with out having the verbal and emotional skills of a diplomat. That he does not have these traits was amply demonstrated in the interview.

    After the the statute of limitations on these offensives has run out he then can come clean. Likely he will, but by then it will not matter except for a book to help him finance his nursing home fees. It might buy him some softer Kleenexes to wipe the drool off his chin.

    Have fun Lance, you are reaping the rewards of what you did.

    When the Tour decided not to award any winners your posterity was sealed because everyone in the future will remember you for the dishonest person you are. The lance years.

    That legacy will last a long time, very long time. Your personal legacy lance, enjoy your fame as it will last much longer than the 15 minutes of lies you enjoyed. In fact I would venture to guess that the phrase to ‘Lance Someone’ will become to mean “cheating to win and destroying everyone else” will be your only lasting image.

    In fact you sullied the Armstrong name and that was very difficult to do. In the past the Armstrong clan was widely known for their criminal activities and feuding with most of the other clans. But they were respected, you lance are not respected nor will you ever be respected. It is impossible to spin your legacy any other way than to be ‘lanced’.

    Live long and suffer every day. This is payback for the destroyed lives you initiated on the honest people around you and all those you cheated out or their 15 minutes of fame.

    Enjoy!”

  13. Haven’t raced for a bit due to life’s curve balls but you know what, I’m going to enter a race asap. Just because Lance CAN’T! An’d I’m going to love every minute of it.

  14. Its too bad he wasn’t a real athlete, he rode a bicycle, thats what 8-year olds do. If he played a real sport like baseball or football, this might matter. Im amazed that he was able to make so much money pedalling that stupid bicycle while wearing those ridiculous shorts. Look at how skinny he was, obviously those peds didnt help his physique any, he was probably the kid that got stuffed in the locker in high school. He looks more like he’s on meth than peds. Obviously he’s using this opportunity now to cash in and probably write a book about his hard times. He’s made millions riding a stupid bicycle. The only reason I ever watched that crap was to see someone crash.

  15. Come on Vick, you don’t really think anyone’s gonna bite on that weak ass sauce do you? Oh, what the hell, I’ll bite, but not before you give us at least one paragraph on your storied all-small league high school career in the “bat and ball” sports and tell what other’s man’s jersey you sporting when your lounging on the couch all weekend watching football.

  16. Hack, I wasn’t gonna bite either, but since you opened the door I gots to ask how many millions this “Vick” shitstain made playing “real sports”.

  17. Wait, what does that sticker say? Lance has a pussy?

    Dude looked like he’d gained weight from not riding, but is he really up to 211 pounds?

  18. “…vick…” posted the same sad, boring drivel anonymously on bsnyc…

    …it raised the suggestion that the name “…anbien…” might be better appropriate…

  19. I have a feeling some big ppl are going down. L wants to get death sentance reduced and he’ll do what he has to. Sponsors, doctors, Carmichael? Bruyneel?

    As much hatred and criticism that is out there for one nut, you cant take away that there were some very good team-mates that doped with him and I dont put much into that “bully” stuff. If they wanted to not dope, they could have easily all came out together against him but no, they wanted to win and win at any cost with him. Cheaters and liars every single one of them. Anyone of them could have said no and left the team, did lance himself strap them down and inject them? no. Some did leave and talked and were steamrolled by him and his wolves. But I don’t see anyone calling Hincappie a pussy, he doped with Lance every tour win and he’s a hero? Nobody’s a hero becasue they came clean. Stop someone from shooting up a grocery store or whatever, thats a hero. Dope and you are a cheater plain and simple. Fuck this double standard shit.

    All of us are on the sidelines as monday morning quarterbacks anyway. We drink, smoke, and probably participate in tons of illegal and immoral shit. And hey, probably shit on a few people here and there too. Lets quit putting people up on pedastals and worshiping them because Nike tells us to. Go ride your fucking bike and leave this shit behind. The more we give the story headlines, the more he, Oprah and now JJ FUCKING ABRAHMS will make from it.

  20. I maybe late for dinner but a cheat is a cheat….no Barry Bonds, no Roger Clemens, no Lance Armstrong, no Tyler Hamilton, no Levi Leipheimer, no Pirate, no Big George, no Shawn Merriman, no CHEAT

    btw after watching the OWN interview I now have several Mellow Johnny & LA stuff that is just gonna rot in my drawer/closet now….sucks as those were my fav fitting socks too.