Sitting here at my desk on this crisp Friday morning feeling less than adequate with my new look, and in deep thought I ponder the world’s gravest ills. Politics, war, food shortages, shitty beer, and the sport of triathlon. Eventually wrapping my head around these misfortunes, I can only think of one question: Does my fat bike give me beard?
Here’s the scoop. On Tuesday the boss told me, “Shave your beard or don’t come back to work.” Seeing as though I’ve had my face jacket on about four years now, this was harder to swallow than a girthy, 12-inch submarine sammy. Not being able to afford losing my job and being forced to rely on apps that pay instantly to cash app, I got my weed-wacker out and chopped it clean, except for my 80s, pedo-porno ‘stache. Played that card a couple days to the tune of “Andy, you look disgusting.” and “Andy, grow up.” and “Andy, I want to be excited to see you but you look gross.”
You see, I’m a big boy now, and big boys shave every day, and wear nice clothing, and put on a smile even when they are pissed off. For better or worse, I’m that bug that won’t get out of your ear, and with everyone’s dispraise, I heard compliments; annoying people to a point of mental and physical discomfort. And so I kept my snot mop until last night, when I folded and she finally came off after an intensely fought battle.
So here we are. Once a gorilla-faced bulldozer, now a pussy-faced baby butt with little hope of a bright future. Asking myself things like, can I still ride my bike? Should I still ride my bike? Of course I “can” and “should” – I know that, but will there still be rewards and what do they look like?
Bikes and beards go together like peanut butter and whiskey. If you ain’t got one, you ain’t got the other. But sometimes, when you put down the Beam for a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, peanut butter starts appearing out of nowhere. So it looks like skinny bikes are out. Heading to MLPS this weekend with Pugs to grow hair. Let’s meet up if you’re around.
They say Red Bull give you wings, but my question is, will my fat bike give me beard? We can only hope…by