The Truer Truth About Alcohol and Cycling

This article came to my attention last week, it made me think…

Dear Josephine Allen,

With all do respect madam, you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. There is no such thing as “truth” and if there ever was, I would listen to a bulldog’s nutsac drag on the floor before listening to you. We all have our own realities, and you spreading this crap around, or the “truth” as you say, about drinking booze and riding a bike being a bad thing, that’s your opinion. And no matter how baseless that shit is, I recognize it because you have the right to your opinion. But I also have the right to my opinion, and you’ve inspired me to respond to some of your scientific findings, let me explain:

SLEEP PATTERNS AFFECTED:

You say:

The low blood glucose levels caused by the alcohol in your body can have a serious effect on sleep patterns too. REM sleep is disturbed and this is the sleep cycle where you consolidate and commit to long-term memory everything that happened during the day.

I say:

Booze helps me sleep, and I’m sure we could substitute any of the following where you put the word “alcohol:”

A Big Mac, not enough sex, butt fat, having the name Josephine. For example:

- The low blood glucose levels caused by the a Big Mac in your body can have a serious effect on sleep patterns too.

- The low blood glucose levels caused by the not enough sex can have a serious effect on sleep patterns too.

- The low blood glucose levels caused by the fat in your butt can have a serious effect on sleep patterns too.

- The low blood glucose levels caused by having the name Josephine can have a serious effect on sleep patterns too.

See my point? There is tons of shit that make you sleep poorly, don’t pin it solely on alcohol.

DEHYDRATION:

You say:

Antidiuretic hormones which normally prevent too much urine being created are reduced in the body when you drink alcohol, the resulting effect being excess urine production, dehydration… and of course several trips to the bathroom in the night which compound your already disturbed sleep!

Dehydration continues well after alcohol consumption and since as little as a 2-percent decrease in body water weight can have a significant impact on performance this is certainly going affect your Strava time the following day.

I say:

If you don’t want to peepee all night, then drink your beer during the day, or better yet, morning. You ever heard of a Breakfast Stout? They don’t call it that for nothing! If you feel dehydrated and need some electrolytes, wash it all down with a bloodied up girl named Mary, then go slay some shit on your bike. Oh, and ditch STRAVA, it’s really only a System That Reports All Vain Activity anyways. Get over yourself and find some meaning in your life other than showing everyone how slow you rode your Churrvelo B3 Bomber around that 12 mile epic neighborhood route you love so much. I’m pretty sure the stress of seeing your name DFL on that KOM list is going to do more harm to your health than an IPA. Just saying…

MUSCLE GROWTH AFFECTED:

You say:

Lack of sleep not only turns me into the human equivalent of a caged tiger being poked with a big stick but the double whammy here is that less sleep equals less HGH being produced by the body. What does HGH do? Exactly what the name Human Growth Hormone suggests—builds muscles. Reducing what is naturally produced in the body to build muscle is clearly a performance decreasing strategy.

I say:

You don’t seem to get it, Josephine. You’re already living in a cage, and you’re already are being poked with a stick, although I don’t know if it’s a big one or not. As far as building muscle with HGH, I never realized cyclists wanted to be Macho Man Randy Savage. When’s the last time you saw your favorite WWE hero on a bike?

CORTISOL PRODUCTION INCREASES:

You say:

Cortisol (a useful “fight or flight” hormone which increases with stress levels) increases when you drink alcohol. While you may be having a merry old time while you’re in the pub, the aftermath on your system can be dramatic. Increased cortisol negatively affects testosterone levels and being in a prolonged and unnecessary state of “I’m ready to flee from an attacking rhinoceros” can’t be good for anyone.

I say:

You know what’s more dramatic that the aftermath of a fun night out with your pals? You lying like freaking Lewinsky! Look, I don’t know how often you’re being attacked by rhinos, but I am every Sunday morning when I ride past some McChurch out here in the ‘burbs and these gargantuan, anti-drinking, abstinence-is-the-only-way whores come after me because of my dope ass poster. And you know what, I’m fucking happy I’m pumped on cortisol during that shit. Wouldn’t want it any other way.

TESTOSTERONE PRODUCTION IS REDUCED:

You say:

Studies have shown that consuming alcohol leads to a dip in testosterone (i.e. post-riding drinking could really affect that period of muscle growth after a training ride). And don’t be fooled by thinking testosterone is only a guy issue. Sadly this isn’t the case; girls need it too for muscle development.

I say:

Studies have shown that being married to a teetotaler leads to a dip in testosterone (i.e. sipping on a post-ride STRAVA smoothie at Boulder I-Sniff-My-Own-Butt Cafe’ could really affect the length of your bee-kaw). And don’t be fooled by thinking testosterone is also a girl issue. Sadly this is the case when girls use testosterone:

 

Oh dear, don’t listen to a god damn word she says. Please, stick to the diet; Eat beer, ride bikes, and never go to Active.com again.

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About Cupcake

I don’t have a beer gut, I’ve developed a liquid grain storage facility.

36 thoughts on “The Truer Truth About Alcohol and Cycling

  1. Gawd dayum, that article was weak. The girl in the ad to the right had a cute butt, though, so it wasn’t a totally wasted click.

  2. LOL…wtf? I’ll skip the testosterone, thank you. I had enough err, cortisol tonight to flee from weirdos in the bar and ramp up my desire to ride. bike. hard. tomorrow. morning. Might even make my boobs bigger. Is that a problem?… ;)

  3. I think lesson to be learned here is that drinking alcohol in excessive amounts could lead to waking up next to the dude in the last picture.

  4. I don’t know, now that I think about it alcohol could be the reason I’m not a pro cyclist. But not for any of the reasons she listed. I guess I just like fun too much.

  5. I want the DC to be my lawyer. I don’t drink that much but I’m thinking about starting, besides my
    riding can’t get any worse. Are you related to the Stoned Cyclist?

  6. I don’t totally agree with your post, but there is no way that chick started life as a woman…and I’m a tolerent gay person. No way she was born a chick or a mix…no way

  7. Combining drinking and riding is harder on your body, duh, but it’s a helluvalotta fun. I guess you shouldn’t do it if your goal is to win some contest or something. If your goal is to have fun, then your training is progressing nicely.

  8. Well, I don’t think that we drunkards are really her target audience. Does anyone who is serious about their drinking ever go to “active.com,” anyway? Fuck, that is some weak-ass shit. She’s addressing those urban achievers who want to win shit, not just drink beer, ride their bike, and have fun like the rest of us 99%. Great response to her article, but honestly, probably a waste of time. Time better spent drinking beer.

  9. …my riding has been so infrequent & weak as of late that i need to buy one of those ‘sleep cycles’ ol’ josephine’s talking about…

    …sounds like it would match my current abilities…

  10. …come on, cupcake…you sayin’ you don’t find that chick you pictured at the end of your post kinda attractive ???…

    …what’s wrong with a little 5:00 o’clock shadow on a girl when she’s got those alluring eyes & such a pretty smile ???…

  11. …btw…back in the ’50′s & early ’60′s, rik van looy, the belgian 2 time world road race champion known as the ‘king of the classics’ & the first rider to win the 5 ‘monuments’ was “rumored” to sit down the night before a one day classic & fuel up on 8, 10, a dozen heavy belgian beers &/or stouts…dinner of champions…

    …i believe belgian beer (&/or stout) has alcohol in it…

    …yet somehow, van looy’s palmares speak for themselves…

  12. I remember G. Randy (Circa 1999-2000) showing up to Cat 1-2 races drunk as fuck with 2 hours of sleep and still cleaning house, even lapping the field.

  13. Point of order. There are universal truths that have impact on all realities. To illustrate this, jump out of a plane without a parachute. You will hurtle towards Earth at -9.8m/s2 (a universal truth) and you will (eventually) die (perhaps immediately). Don’t give us this new age bullcrap about individual truths and separate realities. Also, drink as much as you like.

  14. Anecdotal evidence is an oxymoron. But, let’s ignore the fact that even though the article is poorly written, it’s actually right about the physiological effects of alcohol. Active.com is a site for aging Cat 4 racers who are still into self denial and think that a overly structured training plan and STRAVA will finally get them into Cat 3. Not exactly DC’s demographic. I think most of us would prefer to drink beer (or whiskey…) and have a good time riding. I know I do.

  15. I derive much humor from listening to drunks and addicts and their odd, dumb logic. Thanks, Cupcake.

  16. My life has been grossly inadequate in terms of alcohol consumption and bicycle riding of late. Much like our man D2, I’m packing everything into boxes.

    Ugh.

  17. since when did anyone start racing bikes or drinking beer cause they wanted to get healthy? rubber down and bottoms up

    anyone who has 15 minutes and is interested in Senna or just the pursuit of perfection should watch this, its better than the movie
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oLSYSJO5Ik

  18. This sort of thing is why I love this place.

    “I’m pretty sure the stress of seeing your name DFL on that KOM list is going to do more harm to your health than an IPA. ”

    Thanks, and I just extracted a very tasty Hop Devil out of the shop kegerator, just because……

  19. …hack…thank you, many times over…that was one of the most succinct expressions of both that era of motorsports & ayrton senna, i’ve ever witnessed…

    …whilst absolutely dedicated & uncompromising as a race car driver because anything less than 100% effort 100% of the time behind the wheel would define one as something other than a race car driver, senna was beyond that, an unfathomable master of car control under any circumstance…

    …yet it wasn’t that uncompromising style that killed him, unlike so many other drivers…it was thought to be a faulty part, an unforeseen technical anomaly, stressed beyond a less than capable limit, which caused the crash & quite literally skewered him…

    …the dichotomy was that this man of such great intensity behind the wheel, who seemed to feel threatened by the ability of any other driver in close proximity on the track, was so relaxed out of the cockpit as to be almost laconic while also possessing a deep humanitarian side…

    …to be honest, while i appreciated what i saw of senna on the track, i was more a fan of ‘red 5′ & also anyone who drove for ferrari in that era…

    …so, no, i wasn’t a senna fanboy but i can recognize greatness…

    …thanks again, hack…

  20. My pleasure BGW, Glad you enjoyed it. I’m really not even a car racing fan, but as you eloquently express, this guy transcends car racing. And to put it in DC terms, a he was a straight baller to the highest power.

    His quote,”…and if you no longer go for a gap that exists, you are no longer a racing driver.”, has to be one of the most poignant and brutally honest of all time. Right up there with the Edward Abbey gem, “The standing cock hath no conscious, nor the ability to make aesthetic discrimations.”

  21. I practice the DH and Freeride competition and drink a beer in each down to me this very positive outcome for my strength is greater and keeps me relaxed before the stress of a career

  22. Okay, all y’all should know this by heart; I’ve said it enough times:

    1-You’re on your bike.
    2-You’re in the woods.
    3-The faster you ride, the sooner you’ll be OUT of the woods and OFF your bike.

    SOWHATSYOURFREAKINHURRY?

    Now if you share that view, I don’t see where a pint or fifteen along the way will hurt a blessed thing.

    Oh, and @#27-”…shop kegerator…”? Dayum. Just Gawd-dayum. And I thought electrician was a kickass job. Sir, I humbly lay my hat at your feet.

  23. Been riding bikes and big wheels since ’64. Narry a problem except when somebody else wants to sit on your wheel and it takes off into trees!!
    A girlfriend drove my Yahmaha YSC250 into a tree, a friend dropped my YSC250 onto a car at Dairy Queen; the 2001 FLHTCUI suffered on Nantucket Island, having her antennae tied together by drunken sots after a wedding and a hippie prick in Northampton, MA (imagine that) backed into me at a stop sign at the CVS…….key phrase..backed into…and at a stop sign….WTF? I had to chase this prick down to “lounges” in the Greenfield area until he “just showed up!”
    Getting jaded and don’t wanna ride no more!