1. An attempt to make something that is not the case appear true.
2. An attempt to make mountain biking appeal to RISD, OTIS, and SCAD students as well as board-certified triathaletes.
okay. i’m bitter. also skeptic, but virtuously. skepticism is what has constructed the stoic pillar of design critique upon which i have mounted myself, and it’s what will stuff the pillows of my retirement bed. i win. that said, i’m still bitter.
check it out – there’s a silly side to cycling these days. well, i’ll admit it might just be silly to me, and i myself am an extremely silly little bitch, so you know it’s getting bad. ironically, when i say “silly,” my biggest BIG concern is that my motivation to regard something as frivolous stems from the observation that a laughless quark somewhere in the galaxy of cycling has given birth to a dark star of unfun.
i’m trying to say that there’s a great chance that gerard vroomen and andy kessler when forming their new company O P E N, may not have generated a single fart joke, dick joke, or practical joke while forging this solution to hardtail mountain bike frame offerings. the problem was that there was a huge gap in the market, and there is nothing funny about that shit, silly. well listen, the gap is now closed. it’s so closed, in fact, that maybe these serious little circus bears should have called their company C L O S E D. it’s nothing personal. i don’t know these cats and maybe they’re rad bros – i mean, they make cycling things. that’s pretty rad. so why am i whining? because i am a silly jerk.
i know, you’re thinking, “wow, they forgot the hell out of putting stickers on the new Rockhopper.” but look closer.
see? it’s not a Rockhopper. it’s O P E N. and it’s designed as hell. see the thing around the bottom of the steering hole? that has been designed. there was so much dark, oily portland presspot juice consumed during the jokeless design sessions that when it came down to it, all they could do to keep from crying was slap the little stripe from the bottom of a 12-pack carton around the frame front. usually i’d call it a head tube, but at O P E N, they are keeping in line with the new standard of having a walk-in closet take the place of a head tube. you can’t see it here, but there is a hatch on the other side of the front mass, and that is where the rider can keep extra Rapha jerseys in the event of a puddle crossing.
you can see from the spans that connect the components (usually called “tubes”) that some serious CAD know-how has been flexed. these dudes can CAD their eyes out.
check out the x-factor on this bottom bracket house. it’s like the centerfold of a DWELL magazine. there is room in there to store some extra aerobars in case you are late to the sprint triathalon and don’t have time to make Cervélo the nanny re-rack your bikes.
now if this doesn’t make you throw a Blue Steel when you see another cyclist coming, i don’t know what will. “Most seatposts have a minimum insertion, but that tells you nothing about what’s safe for the frame,” said Vroomen. “So we put a small hole on the seat tube and if you can see the post through it, you’re safe.” see? proper seatpost insertion is no longer harder than dental school! the only problem, is that since Vroomen has likely not been around a peasant bike for clearly maybe a decade or something, he didn’t know that Specialized stole his tech a couple model years ago. that’s me splitting hairs, though. the important thing is that the bike is safe. there is nothing funny about that, thank steven.
while the shredability of this sweet piece of blackness rides high, you need to be VERY sure of yourself when purchasing it. if your AmEx is declined at the register, there can be no second chances. you will just have to get some other cloth hardtail that probably has a graphacs package straight off of a milwaukee power drill box. part of this frame’s trim package includes a luster cream kit that lets one match the sheen of the frame to the sheen of one’s legs, depending his or her level of dermatological ashiness. crucial. careful attention has also been paid to packaging, as is the standard in the world of haute vanité. you will find the frame on the shelves of your favorite boutique cyclery packed in a black merino wool sack with a tiny little ribbon of color at the seam, and you guessed it, they are left O P E N.
happy weekend. i’m going for a mountain bike ride on my mountain biking bike.