Well well well.
Turns out I’m a drunk cyclist, too.
The good Gnome invited me along for the ride, so here I am, making post number one here on DC. My name is D2, and I’m a writer (read: bike mechanic), a teacher in Arizona (read: bike mechanic), faux-musician (read: bike mechanic), and most surprising of all, a bike mechanic (read: broke mo-fo). Let me start off with a brief manifesto:
–I believe that if you fish a 1978 Sears no-name frame out of the dumpster, you should be obligated to put the damn thing together yourself. As a bike mechanic, I think you’re a d-bag if you make me do it, and frankly, putting your own shitty bike together is a privilege and a wonderful learning experience. It only works if you EXPERIENCE it. I intend to make you experience it.
–I believe getting hit by a car while riding a bike sucks. But I also believe that a douchebag is still a douchebag if he’s on a bike. Help your own cause. Don’t ride like a douchebag. I intend to help you determine whether you are a douchebag.
–I believe our world would be so much better, stronger, more understanding, less intolerant, and better equipped to handle day-to-day stresses if people read books more. As a novelist (working on UNPUBLISHED book number 5), I am obligated to say this. But surprisingly enough, I actually believe it. I intend to make you want to read more.
–Macallan 12 year. If you know what it is, I intend to drink it with you. If you don’t know what it is, learn it. Use it. Enjoy it. Save me a glass. I wouldn’t say no to a good cigar, either.
–Lady Gaga sucks. Stop listening to that shit.
–This is no longer a manifesto. It has descended into incoherent but possibly somewhat amusing rambling, which is what Drunkcyclist.com has been in the past and should be now. Can someone do a brotha a favor and hit us up with a picture of a boob or something?
–In 2006, stickers and t-shirts started showing up in Flagstaff, AZ bearing my likeness. On buildings. Street signs. In bars. On women’s backs. I had nothing to do with it. But I’m still amused by it. Call it ego. Call it douchiness. You’d be right, I’m sure. But come on, look at that face! The finest introduction I can give myself on this website…
Courtesy of Gnarheart Manchild (aka handlebarsandwich.com)
In closing, here is a picture of the Gnome that I find amusing.
Gnome stays classy.
June 22nd, 2010 at 10:11 pm
D2, welcome.
sorry bout the bad beat on Sunday. that was bullshit in every which way.
June 23rd, 2010 at 3:50 am
Did someone say boobs ??
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_iZTEW01oW-o/TCHmpC6RfFI/AAAAAAAAAOA/rNdOfpaLmk4/s1600/bwuah7.jpg
Ask and ye shall receive.
June 23rd, 2010 at 4:04 am
“Help your own cause. Don’t ride like a douchebag. I intend to help you determine whether you are a douchebag.”
best line i’ve read in a while. looking forward to reading more.
June 23rd, 2010 at 5:31 am
Macallan 12 year. Yes.
Just the other night I was sipping on Hine VSOP and smoking a cigar dipped in this cognac. My girlfriend, who actually has a job and has to get up in the morning, asked me why I smoke “those nasty stink sticks” and drink “that foul bitter brandy”? The disgust on her face was similar to the look a person gets when they step in dog shit.
I refrained from explaining the difference between brandy and cognac, and simply said, “It takes away the pain of being a man.”
June 23rd, 2010 at 5:32 am
I like this guy already.
June 23rd, 2010 at 5:52 am
I should mention a conversation I had with my attorney many years ago. The subject was the Ted Kaczynski and his attorney’s quest to plead him “not guilty by reason of insanity”. My attorney quipped “If you have a manifesto, you get the insanity defense. If that’s not the law it should be. Manifest=insanity defense.”
Welcome.
June 23rd, 2010 at 6:03 am
The wordsmith has won me over. On with the amusing rambling…
June 23rd, 2010 at 6:13 am
good stuff – keep it coming
June 23rd, 2010 at 6:59 am
Hey Snake…
Seriously. Who gets a straight on the River? That NEVER happens!
It was a good time, though. We should do it again sometime soon…
D2
June 23rd, 2010 at 7:43 am
A douche bag is a douche bag until they become a colostomy bag. Also known as a C bag behind the Zion Curtain.
June 23rd, 2010 at 9:32 am
Good to meet you, D2. Looks like someone with even more self-righteousness than me! Way to start off on the right pedal. I hear you on the X, but I personally love the people that can’t fix their bikes, as they keep us bike mechanics from being in the ‘construction business’ – and thankfully, not everyone can fix their house, either. God bless the monied incompetent, we just need to start asking for more than we do. Who says a dentist has more skill than I do?
June 23rd, 2010 at 10:04 am
Hey Tony,
Sounds a lot like you have spotted what is colloquially known as “sour dick face.”(TM) I hope you are at least getting something good for all of your troubles!
TM- kid wonder
June 23rd, 2010 at 11:19 am
I like the cut of your jib kid. You seem like a real prick!
June 23rd, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Ryan,
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
D2
June 23rd, 2010 at 3:39 pm
1-If you’re on your fifth novel and it ain’t sold, you might want to change up your hobbyway. Or you might not. You could still be one more try from being the next big thing. But what do I know? I’m 59 and still working for a living.
2-McCallam don’t make me puke; not usually. I’ll give that to ya. But I’m a Bourbon man until the day I day. Having said that, if you ever make your way to Easter Western Maryland, I’ll be proud to help you make all gone with a fifth of whatever swill fits the day.
3-”Welcome to the party, pal.”
Bruce Willis, “Die Hard”.
4-”Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.”
ibid
That’s all I got.
June 23rd, 2010 at 5:30 pm
If I don’t listen to Lady Gaga, can I bang her instead?
June 23rd, 2010 at 5:56 pm
That is acceptable. But you need to put on some cool music while said banging is taking place.
June 23rd, 2010 at 6:28 pm
hey d2, whats up. im the female in the house. can i just ask what that thing is on gnomey’s neck?
June 23rd, 2010 at 7:00 pm
…i’m bettin’ gnomer didn’t have a mercedes hubcap or a big clock on a chain so he used a honey jar fulla booze ‘cuz he was feelin kool that day…
…what’s the truth, g…
…& d2 ???…don’t leave yer dirty riding shoes in the middle of the floor where judi can trip over ‘em…you’ll hear about it…bikes inside the living room, no problem…
…just sayin’…
June 23rd, 2010 at 7:54 pm
Gnomer appears to be rocking a crunk cup of Hennesy & sloe gin.
June 23rd, 2010 at 8:06 pm
i think u look like robert downey jr.
June 23rd, 2010 at 8:17 pm
D2, impressive. I believe that it the first pic in a long while that the Gnome isn’t giving his constituency the Gnome salute, he seems to be ambidextrous with his birds.
June 23rd, 2010 at 10:18 pm
Keep writing. When number six gets published everybody will think the other five are awesome too.
June 24th, 2010 at 7:25 am
@loren, are you female?
June 24th, 2010 at 7:44 am
I’m all man Judi. Damn my name….. My highlight of the week was when the bike snob guessed how to spell my name right when he signed my book. Sorry to disappoint if you thought you had a sister in crime on here.
June 29th, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Paraguay advances to the quarter finals of the World Cup! Who’d have thought so?
June 29th, 2010 at 10:54 pm
I wiped the ass of a Loren today. He wasn’t pretty either. Sad, really.