Just a friendly note to my co-workers via email. passive aggressive, i know. fuck it. it’s work. i can act how i want? right?
good afternoon and happy new year! i had a little experience today that i just want to share with you all, what with our being coworkers of sorts, and all.
i was in the kitchenette/dinette zone today, just about to heat up some delicious lunch, when i noticed something. it was not the first time i noticed, nor will it be the last, but i thought quietly to myself, “SWEET HOLY MOTHER FUCK. THIS FUCKING PLACE IS THE MOST DISGUSTING PLACE I HAVE EVER SEEN.” “FUCKING GROSS.” then finally just, “fuck.”
i mean, seriously. i’ve lived a life filled with all types of foul shit, and the kitchenette zone pretty much takes the fucking cake. gross. so here’s what i did. despite having totally lost my entire appetite, i pushed start on the microwave to get some lunch a-cookin’. next, i got the bright idea to grab the sponge which lie no more than 11 inches from my right hand. it was laying there sad and dehydrated. completely dry, like the corpse of a child lying dead in the somali desert. i picked that fucker up, rescusitated it with a little bit of water, squirted a little dish soap on it just for fucks and giggles, and while my delicious lunch sat absorbing warmth, i cleaned the counter top. it took less than 2 minutes. i know this because i had put in a 2-minute request on the microwave. before the timer dinged, i had time to put the sponge back where i found it, stretch out my hammies, and do a couple of jumping jacks. 2 minutes. clean counter.
you are all a bunch of full-grown mens. clean your shit up. not for me, not for the next guy, but for your pride. life’s too short to be a disgusting, messy asshole.