Regarding the Kitchen Area…

Just a friendly note to my co-workers via email.  passive aggressive, i know.  fuck it.  it’s work.  i can act how i want?  right?

hey fellas!

good afternoon and happy new year! i had a little experience today that i just want to share with you all, what with our being coworkers of sorts, and all.

i was in the kitchenette/dinette zone today, just about to heat up some delicious lunch, when i noticed something. it was not the first time i noticed, nor will it be the last, but i thought quietly to myself, “SWEET HOLY MOTHER FUCK. THIS FUCKING PLACE IS THE MOST DISGUSTING PLACE I HAVE EVER SEEN.” “FUCKING GROSS.” then finally just, “fuck.”

i mean, seriously. i’ve lived a life filled with all types of foul shit, and the kitchenette zone pretty much takes the fucking cake. gross. so here’s what i did. despite having totally lost my entire appetite, i pushed start on the microwave to get some lunch a-cookin’. next, i got the bright idea to grab the sponge which lie no more than 11 inches from my right hand. it was laying there sad and dehydrated. completely dry, like the corpse of a child lying dead in the somali desert. i picked that fucker up, rescusitated it with a little bit of water, squirted a little dish soap on it just for fucks and giggles, and while my delicious lunch sat absorbing warmth, i cleaned the counter top. it took less than 2 minutes. i know this because i had put in a 2-minute request on the microwave. before the timer dinged, i had time to put the sponge back where i found it, stretch out my hammies, and do a couple of jumping jacks. 2 minutes. clean counter.

you are all a bunch of full-grown mens. clean your shit up. not for me, not for the next guy, but for your pride. life’s too short to be a disgusting, messy asshole.


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About Snake Hawk

good, bad, funny, sad, stupid, rad, has, had. non-joining funhaver from coast to coast(er brake). buster of the chops, drawer of the logos. North Carolina, USA

13 thoughts on “Regarding the Kitchen Area…

  1. this reminds me of an office episode where pam leaves a note at the microwave because it’s disgusting and not even usable.

  2. and then do the same 2 minute dance in the stinkin’ bathroom. i can guarantee that the worthwhile chicks will take notice of your new found cleaning regimen, stick around the flop a little longer… and as an added bonus, ya might even get laid once in a while.

    just a suggestion…

  3. That is passive aggressive.

    Wish you’d cleaned one of the pint glasses so I didn’t have to do it. But thanks for bringing the sponge back to life, saved me countless seconds….

  4. Passive aggressive, huh? What happens when you go totally aggro? Skip the sponge and email, and go straight for the lighter fluid.

  5. @ lucky – I know, right? I mean, if that’s passive/aggressive, what’s full out aggressive?

    A long time ago I worked with this shithead that used to use half a roll of toilet paper to make a seat cover, then leave it there os it was all over the floor when he was done. I wrote a note similar to the one above (minus the profanity) stuck it to the bathroom door, and got thoroughly scolded by HR (not in the good ‘hot for teacher’ way either). If I thought I could get away with it, I’d write an email like that too.

  6. zen – at least he didn’t have a helicopter shit and leave feces all over the toilet, right? :) Happy Thursday!

  7. haha, good luck getting those slobs to do anything but be pissed at you ’cause you’re a dick’ if you say anything about it.

    You have 2 choices:
    1- shut up and become their mom, in which case things will always be bad for you and good for them.
    2- Become one of them and live in the communal filth.

    Well, I guess quiting and finding a new job is another choice, but a tough one.

  8. “We have deserts in America, we just don’t live there.”

    —Sam Kinison

    R.I.P, big man.

  9. Wish I could holler and scream like Sam.
    Fail for my lack of desire for anything stronger than alcohol and safety breaks.
    Did Sam and Hunter ever party together?