There will be bikes

If you’ve seen “There will be Blood” or the trailer for it, there is at least one really well made parody. I couldn’t stop showing it to my friends. It should be seen about 8 times.

There will be bud.

Here is my version:

—-There will be bike—-

Fade in, camera on two guys in old suits:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, My name is Danny Spokescrew. I’ve travelled all the way from the eastside on the bike path to be with you tonight. I couldn’t get here any sooner because there was a parts stash in one of my associate’s garage and I had to see about it.”

“When I say I’m a bike man, you’ll have to agree… I’m a bike man. I’m a bike man and I’m a family man. This is my partner and cycling buddy H.W. Spokescrew. We run a family business.”

Switch to stoned guy in cycling cap in doorway.

Dude: “You boys are a regular family business”
Spokescrew: “You boys need to lube your chain.”

“You have a really nice bike here. I can fix it like no other mechanic in this neighborhood.”
“I have an empty repair stand ready to be put to work.”
“That’s why I can guarantee to get your bike running like a real machine, and I put up the cash to buy any parts and back up my word.”

“I assure you ladies and Gentlemen. No matter what those tech weenies at the boutique shop say… when it comes to the real fit and the best vintage parts for the right price, they won’t be around.”

In a garage somewhere:

“I’m prepared to give you $200 for that garage queen Shwinn Paramount hanging there.”

Man with beer belly: “No way man. I rode in a charity ride with this bike. I’m going to race this bike someday. That’s worth something.”

Spokescrew: “Well, you name a price. What would you like?”

Sitting In Room with newspaper, talking to an associate:

“What’s this?” points to a craigslist ad on a laptop.
“It’s a classic Kawamura made Nishiki road bike” he says.
“Why don’t I own this?” (pause)

(Rapid scene changes here: Spokescrew dropping pedal and pedal wrench on ground; Riding around a water fountain; A frame falling off a ceiling hook and Spokescrew looking into the room; Then, a rear view of Spokescrew sitting on a 5 gallon bucket facing a street and waving hands forward in command, two people with bike trailers full of fake dynamite ride toward a Performance Bike Shop.)

Spokescrew (loudly): “You may want to keep your shoes on. There are a whole lot of cut off cable ends under our feet.”

Some woman: “My husband has never ridden a bike. He has an abiding love for his pickup truck. It’s got a HEMI.” Spokescrew: (not hiding disgust) “Oh.”

Then, in a room wearing a turtleneck sweater:  “I have a headset wrench and you have a headset… and my headset wrench reaches ACROOOOOOSSSSS THE ROOM. AND I GREASE YOUR HEADSET!!!  I GREASE IT UP!!!”

Spokescrew (in very low light): “I have a life’s mission in me. I want everyone to get the right bicycle.”
Then, chucking, while sorting out a parts box:
“I can’t keep trying with theses… drivers.” (with derision) “Can’t say I have much use for them. Heh heh… Drivers.”

Fade  out.

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

About littlejar

5 - Learned to ride in paved alley behind liquor store in Lowell. 16 - Road bike riding alone while peers do soccer practice. 18 - First new road bike bought with winnings from Project Graduation. 20 - Burlington VT. Nuff said. 22 - Joined the Air Force. 23 - Joined team Fair Wheel in Tucson - rode the Shootout. 24 - Rode El Tour in under five. 26 - Toured to Quebec City 28 - Toured Oklahoma to Vermont 30 - Found my dream bike - a 1989 58cm LaBan (#22) 32 - Experienced Minneapolis and saw BIKE CULTURE. 34 - Building my first bicycle frame, with a self made jig. USA

7 thoughts on “There will be bikes

  1. That sounds entirely sweeter than the “There will be Bud,” parody. You should grab some people up and make a video. I’ve watched the “bud” video 100 times and I don’t even smoke grass…

    I don’t know about getting your panties in a wad over a Nishiki Road bike… And don’t glue your moustache on like that fool from the “bud” video. Give it some thought, and some time. Grow a real live moustache and make Daniel Day Lewis take a second look at what you have published on

    I’m only asking that you make it real, as opposed to keeping it real. Uhm, that other video wasn’t that real… We cyclist will check it out, and it will be better. Given that you’re not a complete twat.

    In other words; use your script and and make a kool video. You know, in the next day or two…

  2. Don’t know nothin’ about what passes for “music” these days. Far as I’m concerned there ain’t been none since Miles hung it up. Sure, Leonard Cohen been seen touring, but that’s just because his “management” stole him blind.

    But I know what I like, and that ain’t it.