We’re No. 1?

All you Flagstiffs will be pleased to know that my hometown, the concrete clusterplex of Bibleburg, Colorado, sprawls like a fat late-term-abortion baby atop Outside magazine’s list of “America’s Best Cities.”

What lesson should we learn from this? Primarily, that if you’re into good weed, you should move not to Bibleburg, but to Santa Fe, where Outside is headquartered. ‘Cause those dudes must be smokin’ the good shit to be writing this shit.

Here in Bibleburg we can only hope that this brings us platoons, nay, battalions, of youthful, adventure-seeking body Nazis who otherwise would have moved to Flagstiff, Portland, Moab, Salida or Boulder. We can’t afford to feed the lions at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo and could do with a little organic long pig.

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About Patrick O'Grady

Making stuff up for money since 1977. Making stuff up about cycling for money since 1989. See VeloNews and Bicycle Retailer & Industry News, found crumpled near the crapper in stylish homes and pro bike shops worldwide.

9 thoughts on “We’re No. 1?

  1. 10. Charlotte, North Carolina
    9. Cincinnati, Ohio
    8. Minneapolis, Minnesota
    7. Portland, Oregon
    6. Albuquerque, New Mexico
    5. Boston, Massachusetts
    4. Austin, Texas
    3. Atlanta, Georgia
    2. Seattle, Washington
    1. Colorado Springs, Colorado

    If these are the best cities in America, then I think it might be time to move to Detroit, and make it good. These are the best places to live only if you are rich, young, white, and have a roof rack for your kayak.

    FUCK YOU, OUTSIDE magazine, you fucks.

  2. For some unknown reason I did not see Fresno on the Outside list. Good thing I’m moving to Santa Fe in the next couple of months. Bring on the j’s, the mtbing from town, the afternoon thunderstorms, and an escape from this wretched, polluted, relentless heat.

  3. Tons of great mountain bike trails in the Springs. KILO used to be pretty rocking too.

  4. How the hell did Charlotte make it on this list? I live here (actually in Gastonia) and WTF? There’s got to be lots better places.

  5. Housing has got to be cheap in Cincy… and you’re mere miles from the Bourbon Trail… but no thanks.

  6. I live in Atlanta and I like a lot of things about the area within metro ATL that I live in (and there are quite a few things I dislike), but I’m honestly shocked to see Atlanta anywhere near the top of this list. I’ll admit that I haven’t read the article (yet), so perhaps there is some very strange criteria that ruled out several other cities that I would have put way above ATL.