Getting Close with a Wild Wolf

I had the good fortune today to catch a rare glimpse inside the wild spirit that we here at DC know as BGR. You know he’s a man of adventure, but did you know he’s from Kansas? I did. Anyways, I’d like to invite you to eavesdrop on my latest Fireside Chat. Lady and Gentlemen, BGR…………

Randy: Hey man whats up…. this is my first gmail chat.. aint that cool?

S.Hawk: Perfect. It might be a little bit uncomfortable, but just try to relax. Okay?

Randy: yeah man, i’m mellow.

S.Hawk: Everything is on the record. Let it make you feel very relaxed. Okay? What, are you doing some Michael Phelps training over there?

Randy: always good to safety coat the lungs… keeps the funk away.

S.Hawk: I bet it does. Let’s kick this off. So here we are, not having communicated in years, G-Chatting. Would you say we caught up with technology, or did tech catch up with us?

Randy: I think the tech catch up to us…. but that depends on how your facebook looks I guess.

S.Hawk: Would you say your facebook weighs a ton?

Randy: I would say it doesn’t exist.

S.Hawk: I know. Anyways, we’re not here to talk about computers. Let me ask you some questions.
You’re quite the envied personality on the ol’ Drunkcyclist website. Is there any reason to your rhyme, or are you as you appear: free as the wind, free as day-old bread?

Randy: I like to say im keeping it real. And staying a mystrey is good for the image. Please dont take that away from me!

S.Hawk: I can only take what you give me, brother. You’re like mother earth that way. I and many others love the way you dip in and out of society as if you are on some kind of spirit quest. Tell us: Are you running from the law? What is it that keeps you from actively participating in modern life? (not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Randy: Im clean these days, no warrants or such anymore. I think I am on some spirt quest. Looking for my own spirt that is. I for sure havent fiqured out what its about, but im pretty sure it not about making money. I think part of me wants to wander and part of me has too. I couldnt actively participate in modern life for long if a wanted to, I would crack like a twig.

S.Hawk: You remind me of a gentle, yet wild wolf. a modern-day “Socks” from Dances With Wolves, if I may. You seem so sensitive, yet at the same time, you are tough like the time-hardened pieces of granite amongst which you wander.

Randy: yeah ill take that. Ive been compared to jeramiah johnson a few times this month. But I havent seen the movie yet, so im not sure how to take that.

me: It’s a good thing. Jeremiah Johnson was a hard-ass.

S.Hawk: When you are sleeping in the wilds of Southwestern America, do you ever find yourself startled awake by the sounds of a wanton civilization growing ever closer, devouring your sacred backyard?

Randy: No it seems easy enough for me to escape civization still, I hear more the sounds of the coming of the end.

S.Hawk: that’s really deep bro. did you just pull another tube?

Randy: no, im at the library.

S.Hawk: ah. bad place for the ol’ peace pipe. Say, let me ask you a question about some events passed.
Were you privy to the racing spectacle involving The Husky Midget, some silver tights, and a spray-painted “10-Speed?”

Randy: Oh yeah that was great!

S.Hawk: Man, do tell.

Randy: I got to give it to him for showing up for that. That husky aint all talk.

S.Hawk: He will come through once per decade.

Randy: What a site at a square road race to see husky in silver tights a camo shirt and i believe a full face helmet.

S.Hawk: He’s a fucking prince. I love hearing about that shit. Tell us more….

Randy: Right off the start he launched some curb over a gravel pile. That was good, people knew who to look out for after that.

S.Hawk: Oh, fuck yeah! Husky’s always been really good at keeping it outside of the box. Well, until recently. Anyways. . .

Randy: And the best way to know youve had the race of your life is to throw up right at the finish, as husky did. Although it might have been the booze and not the lactate acid.

S.Hawk: He really will give it 110% when he does show up. Even if he’s got to bust a couple blood vessels in his eyes. Do you have any memorable moments about working in the shop with some of the original gangsters of DC that you’d like to share?

Randy: wow theres so many. the first memory i have is of my first day. Well, i guess i dont remember work, but i remember after work. Its one think to have a beer or two after work, but you guys went staight to the liquor store and did it up on the back curb. pure class!

S.Hawk: You gotta admit, those were not bad times in which to be participating in the spoils of the modern world.

Randy: And the classic battle of who whould take out the trash. Ive never seen such a fight over taking the trash out. Maybe it was the bong buy the dumpster?

S.Hawk: That’s it.

Randy: I still tell storys of your titanium detector. And the sweet shock charts.

S.Hawk: Pray tell. Shock Charts? I don’t recall. I might have taken the trash out that day…..

Randy: Well I was smart enough to understand your shock chart, which i think wasn’t the point. But the ti detecter was classic. It had a LED display attached to a bunch of smoke and mirrors with a magnet on back.

S.Hawk: You can’t kid a kidder. Luckily, most of the dipshit idiot customers were serious enough about shit to let me detect Ti on their bikes. There’s nothing like taking a ding-dong for a little sidecar ride. But enough reminiscing! What lies on that far-away horizon for the Great Randini? Are you gonna marry that girl we see you dancing through the outback with?

Randy: No marriage for me period. Write that down. Far away horizon, who knows. Im just thinking about finding a job to afford my next adventure. And making enough money to buy a alpacka raft. Time to take this circus to the river.

S.Hawk: I should’ve guessed you’d find a way to out do yourself. Why no marriage? Doesn’t your girl float? That could be really handy if your “Alpacka” raft gets a flat or something. You need to be resourceful out there in the wilds.

Randy: Life is ever changing. At least I feel mine is. I dont what to feel locked in or held down to anything or anyone. That feeling of security that some seek seems boring to me.

S.Hawk: You are like a living, breathing Harley-Davidson bumper sticker.

(What’s this picture you just sent me?)

Randy: That a pic of our boy hippie cory rolling outa town, about 2 hours ago.

S.Hawk: No shit! It’s like Flagstaff got raided by a pack of zombie wolves, and now you’re all wild. Where in the hell is he going? Looks like to the grocery store.

Randy: Toward phx. Man aint got no work, so he’s going touring. Cory lives the dream, on the down low.

S.Hawk: They have groceries in PHX, and he has relatives there. You can’t fool me. You guys are spending too much time Living La Vida Smoca.

Randy: You forget what its like, living on the wrong coast and such. Its the wild west out here bro!

S.Hawk: I do forget. I miss it. Fer sher. But Hawk ain’t cryin’ no tears.

Randy: Come on out, I give you your hammer and flashlight back.

S.Hawk: I was going to ask you about those. Are you hanging onto them because I still owe you $12? Anyways, I can’t wait to come out there with my girl and get party with you wild animals. I tell ya – it’s been good to “chat” with you a little bit, Randy. Any shout-outs you’d like to give? (Besides to the Wind Spirit and Mother Herb?)

Randy: Just to all the old crew from back in the day. You guys taught a young dumb kid from kansas alot of good tricks , and they werent all about drinking. I just want to say I learned it from watching you guys.

S.Hawk: Aw Shucks, buddy. Hopefully our paths will cross soon. Keep it tuff, Rando.

Randy: Every time i went out with you wanks i though i would end up in jail. But we had alot of fun!

S.Hawk: no shit, man. good times. later, randy. now run back to the wilds, young man. RUN!!!!!

Randy: later man, good to catch up.. love the art by the way.

S.Hawk: Thanks dude. Love your art, too. Piece.

And there you have it, Folks. A few words with BGR. I’m sure by the time you read this, he’ll be either halfway to Utah, or in line for food stamps. Till next time, here’s a picture of me:


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About Snake Hawk

good, bad, funny, sad, stupid, rad, has, had. non-joining funhaver from coast to coast(er brake). buster of the chops, drawer of the logos. North Carolina, USA

8 thoughts on “Getting Close with a Wild Wolf

  1. …nice…

    …i’d say the kid’s a treat but he’s far deeper than that…

    …definite props to you both…

  2. I love watching the smoke and sparks whip off his pedals and cranks as he shit hammers through rocks on his fix. It’s a tightrope walk between forced and smoothe riding. I also love suffering up a climb behind him, always arriving late to see him trackstanding with one of his hipstols against a tree smoking a handroll. knowing that he rolled and smoked half before i caught up to him. Every time i listen to moddest mouse i think of the great randini. I try to listen to it all the time. Don’t ever bet him he can’t eat a whole pizza by himself. Don’t ever bet him he can’t do anything by himself. Don’t ever bet him. Don’t ever bet. Take all yer money, change it in for ones and pack them into your bike tires instead of tubes and ride into the sunset like BGR.
    Are you a tree dwelling hammock man on tour or are you a land lubbing tent pitcher? I could never pitch tents because all my blankets were knitted by my grandma and i seem to poke right through.
    If I sent you a package of PA venison jerky would you eat it?
    And SnakeHawk you musta been gone too long – do you not remember the golden rule of the Angry Hippy? Don’t ever doubt him or you’ll end up like the last thing that did – a lawn mower.

  3. Last time I was “there” the shock charts were still up, and funny as hell. I think it was a sinusodual graph of shifting parameters based upon cadence that was interrelated to ones dipshittedness. It also closely resembled an elevation graph of South Mountain. We called it a shock chart because it was shocking how everyone understood it. I can’t believe no heavy kevvy stories.

  4. we gotta keep the spectrum readings wide, husker. not everyone gives a fuck about the salt mine. though the comedy could be dredged from those memories by the bucketload. Hmmm. a book, perhaps?

  5. i wish we still had the drawing of motherfucker shocking the shit out of himself. ace electrician, that kevin. “Hmmmm! maybe if I stick this set of bolt cutters in the outlet, it’ll work again! Guh-HOLOLOLOLOAAAAHHH!!!!!”

  6. Guess that was a dumb ?
    Of course it was. He is one of a kind! Nice to hear you are ok & having fun! I love u Randy where
    ever you are.