First, full disclosure here, I am ethnically French, mostly French Canadian (yeah, that’s right, we DO NOT claim Celine Dion I can guarantee you that), but I still have some roots from the Normandy region of France. Most would mistake me for Italian, or as others have mentioned before, I look sort of like a terrorist when I let the beard grow out for about, oh, 5 hours, that thing grows fast. But, yes, I am French, I can’t help it. Also, I have to disclose that there is something that the French don’t do right, and recently, that’s been bike racing, and by recently I mean since Hinnault left the sport.
Anyway, I have a co-worker who went to France recently, and brought back this extremely blurry picture of something that she found in a bathroom over there. Apparently, you can moisten your TP with this little gadget, so that you can roll into the bathroom, drop a deuce (or, negotiate the release of some chocolate hostages), and then leave feeling so fresh and so clean (thanks Outkast). I personally haven’t seen anything like this in the United States, but I’m sure they do exist, and if you happen to see something like this around, for the love of all that is holy, please let me know. I NEED to try this out.
You see, like most bike racers, and I know that there are possibly a few reading this who know what I’m talking about, heading into the smelly overloaded port-a-potty before starting your race is not only required, but it is a right of passage that comes within pinning on a number, and toeing the line. If you’re also a veteran of doing this, you and I both know that it is almost a necessity that you bring your own toilet paper with you, because sure as shit (pun fully intended there), you’ll get in there, drop your drawers, have a grunt and a groan, and you’ll add your discharge to the collection below, and then you’ll reach for the scratchy industrial grade sandpaper, oops, I mean, toilet paper, and the holder will be empty (not to mention the pile of smelly dung below you is almost touching your hairy ass). There are lots of us who have come out missing a sock, or maybe a favorite pair of boxers, so if you race, and you’re reading this, and you don’t already do it, bring an extra roll with you into the can, you’ll thank me later. And, you’ll probably make some new friends because folks will realize that you’re their connection to them being race ready. My whole point is this, if we had these bottom moisturizing units at bike races, saddle sores would definitely be cut way back.
Back to the things that the French do correctly, let’s run down the list shall we?
1. The menage a trois, of course
2. French fries (even though they’re Belgian)
5. French kissing
6. French dressing
7. French fried onions
8. Time bikes
9. Look pedals, well, before other clipless pedals came around
10. Blow jobs (hey, they said it in Talladega Nights, so it has to be true
11. Support for upstart colonies looking for freedom from English oppression (yeah, that would be us)
12. Paris-Roubaix (of course, cobbles, mud, and crashes oh my)
13. And le Tour de France
And, well, that could be about it. I’m sure there is lots of other things, but I’m getting tired, and want to head towards the bed for sleep and rest. I’ve got this raging headache that I think came from eating some food from a local restaurant near me, because last time that I ate there, I had the same thing happen. I think they’re spiking me with some sort of headache powder. I hate it when that happens.
Look, yesterday I was writing about how George W. Bush = fail, and I had some responses about that, one indicating that hey, he didn’t do so bad, he got rid of Hussein (in regards to the things I was writing about the war being a bad decision) after all. Thing is, that’s NOT the reason why we were going into Iraq in the first place. What we were told, and lied to about, was that Hussein wanted to sell WMDs to terrorists so that they could use them in our backyard and you know, turn say, Miami into a post apocalyptic vision similar to Mad Max. I believe several folks, including Herr Bush, talked about a mushroom cloud hanging over American cities. Talk about sowing fear, and pushing to head into war. Of course, we got there, and there were NO WMDs, which, is what a lot of folks were saying, we of course, as usual, were not listening. What did happen though, was that Bush put out the infamous words of, you’re either with us, or against us, which also meant, you couldn’t question anything that he, or his cronies, wanted to do. If you did, you were branded as being un-Patriotic, and un-American, and FOR the terrorists.
Remember folks, don’t let Bush whitewash history. Iraq was supposed to be about weapons of mass destruction, there were none there. I say, pull back to Kuwait, declare victory, and send everyone home ASAP. Let’s pull the plug, and not lose any more Americans in a cause that was predicated on false pretenses.by