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Its my way or the highway for Endway

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I’m not even sure how (or why) I ended up with this in my inbox. Who cares. I’m posting it.

From: H [Editor’s note: His name was changed per his request.]
Subject: FW: Endway/National Touring Band
A buddy of mine books shows at his bar in town. Mostly, that job consists of writing letters back to bands that clearly suck and politely turning down their wishes to play at Treasure Bar. [Note: It is not really called the “treasure” bar] He was feeling a little overwhelmed on Friday, so I lent him a hand with a few.

Here’s one.

I changed the order of this all around. In the original email he had his response at the top and their request at the bottom. Made for some confusing reading. Anyway, it confused me. And I’m dumber than shit. Where does that leave you? Nowhere. This is Endway’s pitch:

From: k [His name isn’t really “k”. I just feel sorry for him]
Subject: Endway/National Touring Band
Fresh off a 26 show 30 day tour Endway is hitting the road again. We were heading back down to Hilton Head Island for 4 exclusive shows…. Our music is rock/soul/reggae and we put on a dope show!!!!
Looking to book August 24-26/September 8-10

Give a listen and hit me back!!!

Thanks,
K
www.myspace.com/endway
www.endway.com
www.purevolume.com/endway

You just know he’s bringing a truck load of ass like his name was Kardashian.

From: H
Subject: Re: FW: Endway/National Touring Band
Hey Endway. Treasure here. Thanks for trying to get a show at Treasure Bar. I’ll get to the point so that you don’t have to read this whole letter to find out that we’re not feeling your vibe at all. Whoops. Well, that being said, you get the picture. I would like to let you know what kind of things you could do to more likely land a show at the bar where all of your mothers hang out at so much. I’ll just make a little list of our guidelines.

1) Do not have a name like “Endway.” It sounds like a lot of shit that we have absolutely no interest in. It makes me think of Amway, which my uncle went into the hole trying to peddle on our family. When he failed at being a salesman of that shit, he turned to the bottle and bought a van, and the shell of a man that he once was is now being looked after by a 279 pound Latino named Hector the Rectum Wrecker. So, you guys gotta change the name. It also reminds me of John Elway, which reminds me that I’m totally in the closet about how much I love watching men sweat and wrestle.

2) Consider changing the style of music that you play. It seems to me that when Brad from Sublime OD’d, tons of “rebel” frat boys thought that the market was free for all kinds of retarded pot smoking music. Well the fact of the matter is, when that dude ate shit, it was meant to serve as an omen that playing that kind of shit (which only serves to make dudes want to take off their shirts) will lead you nowhere. Hang it up, guys. You are going nowhere.

3) Treasure would never consider hosting a band that has one (1) exclusive show at Hilton Head. You have four (4) of them. So the final answer is this: NO. NO. NO. NO.

Cheers,
Treasure Bar

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

6 Replies to “Its my way or the highway for Endway”

  3. Hey guys, lets see how much like Maroon 5 we can sound! That sound hasn’t been beat to death yet has it? Let’s put some more saccharin into pop music.

  4. I hate band photos. “OK, I need the lead singer to stand in the front and look at the camera. Dude in the sunglasses you look off to the left – no, your left and try to look like you are thinking deeply. OK, if you can’t do that just try to figure out what that cloud looks like. Alright, fat guy, go to the back and suck in your gut.” Just take a picture of a show and call it good.

  5. I’m not sure why you got this either, Jonny. I thought for a minute that I had logged on to daft13yearoldcuntsbaggingonthefatgirl.com by mistake.

  6. I’ve been a booker, 4 or 5 evers ago.
    “No” or “I don’t think so” with a line or 2 does it.
    Anything over that is pretty much being an ass.

    In little youthland music venues..it’s more about ego, and stroking it, (in all sorta ways)
    Most, or all, of the bands are about narcissism and getting laid.
    Not so much about 5 lines and 4 spaces (music). A good booker knows how to leverage the former to get to some of the latter, ..music is incidental to selling beer.
    Shit, a booker gets to pick some of what he likes, and wade through piles upon piles of people who can’t play in tune, and saved a little of dad’s coke (tuition) money for amps and a drum kit.
    Bar owners/managers are maybe the most famous assholes in the world, after maybe investment bankers..
    Bookers have to grow into it, to become an ass equal to a singer or club owner. It looks to me like our boy is well on the way.

    My proposal to fix the entire music business…a drug in the drink special that keeps chicks from wanting to fuck the singer.