I’m not even sure how (or why) I ended up with this in my inbox. Who cares. I’m posting it.
From: H [Editor’s note: His name was changed per his request.]
Subject: FW: Endway/National Touring Band
A buddy of mine books shows at his bar in town. Mostly, that job consists of writing letters back to bands that clearly suck and politely turning down their wishes to play at Treasure Bar. [Note: It is not really called the “treasure” bar] He was feeling a little overwhelmed on Friday, so I lent him a hand with a few.
I changed the order of this all around. In the original email he had his response at the top and their request at the bottom. Made for some confusing reading. Anyway, it confused me. And I’m dumber than shit. Where does that leave you? Nowhere. This is Endway’s pitch:
From: k [His name isn’t really “k”. I just feel sorry for him]
Subject: Endway/National Touring Band
Fresh off a 26 show 30 day tour Endway is hitting the road again. We were heading back down to Hilton Head Island for 4 exclusive shows…. Our music is rock/soul/reggae and we put on a dope show!!!!
Looking to book August 24-26/September 8-10
Give a listen and hit me back!!!
You just know he’s bringing a truck load of ass like his name was Kardashian.
Subject: Re: FW: Endway/National Touring Band
Hey Endway. Treasure here. Thanks for trying to get a show at Treasure Bar. I’ll get to the point so that you don’t have to read this whole letter to find out that we’re not feeling your vibe at all. Whoops. Well, that being said, you get the picture. I would like to let you know what kind of things you could do to more likely land a show at the bar where all of your mothers hang out at so much. I’ll just make a little list of our guidelines.
1) Do not have a name like “Endway.” It sounds like a lot of shit that we have absolutely no interest in. It makes me think of Amway, which my uncle went into the hole trying to peddle on our family. When he failed at being a salesman of that shit, he turned to the bottle and bought a van, and the shell of a man that he once was is now being looked after by a 279 pound Latino named Hector the Rectum Wrecker. So, you guys gotta change the name. It also reminds me of John Elway, which reminds me that I’m totally in the closet about how much I love watching men sweat and wrestle.
2) Consider changing the style of music that you play. It seems to me that when Brad from Sublime OD’d, tons of “rebel” frat boys thought that the market was free for all kinds of retarded pot smoking music. Well the fact of the matter is, when that dude ate shit, it was meant to serve as an omen that playing that kind of shit (which only serves to make dudes want to take off their shirts) will lead you nowhere. Hang it up, guys. You are going nowhere.
3) Treasure would never consider hosting a band that has one (1) exclusive show at Hilton Head. You have four (4) of them. So the final answer is this: NO. NO. NO. NO.