Oh yeah, the Tour de France. Crunk Cyclist seems to capture the attention of many different kinds of thinkers, so I’d like to talk for a bit, and direct this mainly at what I believe to be the source of the problem: the people who watch.
In the recent past, let’s say 10 years, I can certainly speak for The United States by saying that we love some fucking spectacle. Look at the X-Games, for example. That shit is basically the culmination of our retarded bloodthirst for shock and awe. We love to see young athletes being pushed to the absolute maximum levels of their thresholds, and when they blow up – even better. People on the sidelines and bleachers act all concerned, when really, it’s those wrecks, those shattering moments that they’ll take home with them. We don’t wanna see flawless victory. We wanna see superheroes eat shit and die. It makes us feel better about our fat, lazy asses.
Perhaps it goes hand in hand with our current administration’s knack for putting putrid headlines on the paper every day. That could probably be another story entirely, but the point is that we as a culture seem to binge on shit like injury, failure, loss, and defeat. That is, until some douche like Pance Hamstring comes along and “dominates” the sport for the greater good of “America.” Then we listen. Then we’re proud. Then we’re “in to” cycling. Meanwhile, this year, the world screams for a “fair tour” and all we seem to give a shit about in regards to that, is who has been busted so far and what a slow tour it is. Lame on you all. Why doesn’t anyone talk about how if these poor dudes don’t get good results, they’ll be sent back to the factory to clock 40 a week, kissing any shot at the good life good bye? Or how even dewds that bust their asses for said results still barely make shit?
I’ve heard so much bullshit already this year, and this is infuriating, about how boring this tour is. Dewds are forthright in their lamentations of the tranquil tour this year. Well, watch any tour past, one you know is full of dope, and you’re psyched at the intensity of the competition. But this year, 13 stages in, we all sit back and bitch and yawn at the docile manner in which these incredible athletes are carrying out the tour.
The only thing I miss from the tour is something that has been missing for decades, and we’re likely not to see ever again: I want to see the dudes by the side of the course, at midday, sharing bottles of vino, having a couple of smokes, and not giving a fuck about whether or not when they finish the tour, they’ll still have their jobs at the factory. Lighten up America. Enjoy some bike riding.by