citrawipe. from heaven or hell?

jaun grande and i were sitting around over at drunk-cyclist HQ when we heard the familiar sound of the postman. we looked at each other and immediatly the anticipation of what lay in the black metal box at the curb covered the both of us in goose-pimples. there was a padded envelope inside, and inside that padde envelope was a product both of us were eager to clean our hands with: the citrawipe .

soon our conversation about the potential of the citrawipe degraded into who was going to get to try out the wipe, and then review on dc. john said “but i invented the web-site” and i said “who cares” then he said “you have only put up like 3 poems, and they were pretty crappy” then i was all “oh yeah, you’re a jerk” and i grabbed all the citrawipes off the table and i ran, i ran really fast (well, as fast as one can run with two bad hips and a cigarette habit).

i made it all the way to my house, ignoring john ‘s calls the whole way (a pathetic side note here, i m pretty sure john was crying while leaving his messages, and i say messages (plural) because there was like 17 of them, he was really pissed that i stole his shot a product review glory). then i went to the garage to get my hands dirty, i mean really dirty. i’m talking about touching every old bike part i have in the whole world dirty. then for good measure i touched some old lawn mower parts just to really stain my chubby little circus hands.

then i thought to myself “how am i going to grab a citrawipe out of my pocket without really getting my pants dirty, then i remembered i had been wearing the same pants for two weeks, and they were already dirty and getting a little grease on the pocket rim was no big deal. i went in for the wipe. upon inspecting the packaging i thought that there was no way i would be able to open it with such greasy, slippery hands, but boy-howdy was i wrong. the package ripped open without having to resort to using my teeth, and the wipe was easy to remove from the wrapper.

then i started wiping. holy-fucking-shit-from-another-go-damned-fucking-planet, that little fucker sure can clean. it took maybe 7 total back and forth wipes (front and back of hand) to clean the whole she-bangs (by “she-bangs” i mean my hands). it got my hands so clean i would eat off of them, or with them, depending what the meal required. fucking-shit, this is a really classy product, it claims to work, then it really does, unlike other products that claim to work, then don’t. i would tell all of you out there in this drunk cyclist world to go out and purchase this product, or steal it if your funds are a little low, and all you have is 4 dollars to your name and you really want a couple tall-boys to drink, even if your hands are dirty (this product is good, but spending your last 4 dollars on a citrawipe instead of a couple of tall-boys is crazy, just crazy).

anywho, them folks over at citrawipe really did make a good product, and i say “fuck yes, its a thumbs up!”

another little side note here: do not get this product on your wiener! it really burns, and if you do get it on your wiener don’t say i didin’t warn you.

-the pineapple

ps. randy is in new mexico.

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About Pineapple

He tried to call himself, "Malibu." But, you know the rules - you don't get to pick your own nickname. The word "pineapple" came to mind. Sorta tropical, spikey & rough, sweet on the inside. And so a nickname was born. "Bike mechanic, poet, sage, former collegiate hockey star. Ok, maybe not a star." (This should really be updated. He works for New Belguim now.) "i am full time bicycle mechanic, and all around nice guy. like to ride bikes, but not very far. like poetry, candle-light dinners, and short walks on the beach. i don't like getting hassled, and i don't like capitalization." Fort Collins, Colorado, USA

6 thoughts on “citrawipe. from heaven or hell?

  1. Attention:

    Hire this man and make Big Jonny buy him beer. And Plink. And maybe some new pants since he’s been wearing the same ones for 2 weeks…

  2. Attention: Big Jonny

    The product is “citrawipes,” not “dickwipes.”

    The latter, of course, is Usa Today…

  3. …laughed so hard i cried big greasy, dirty tears but alas, no citrawipes…

    …even though it sounds to me like i’m kissin’ ass here, that’s an honest-to-god funny-ass great product review…new high !!!…

    …just sayin’…


    btw, how do you get that stuff OFF your wiener?

    just askin