About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

64 thoughts on “Caption This

  1. …hike-a-bike bullshit. damn johnny, I drove all the way to fucking flagstaff to carry my bike? yeah, great…how much farther? OH YEAH, it’s “worth it”…yeah…grumble grumble, carrying my damn bike. THIS better pay the fuck off.

    SHIT!!! Cactus. DAMNIT! ARRGH! Where’s the fucking beer?

  2. Guys-

    I know we’re being humorous here, but cycling on hiker-only trails is bullshit behavior. Ever been run off a non-motorized trail by some dipshit on an ATV? Hell, who hasn’t? How did that feel?

    Mikey

    PS- I’d probably hike-a-bike that trail simply because I’m too weak to ride up it.

  3. Mikey, there’s a difference between being run off the road by an ATV and a mountain biker getting off his bike on a narrow trail to allow a hiker to pass.

    If you are going to have hiking only trails, there must be biking only trails. Most hiking only trails in the backcountry are so infrequently used that there is hardly any point to having them. Seriously, the PCT should be opened to bikes. There is no reason other than historical that it isn’t.

  4. “Mikey, there’s a difference between being run off the road by an ATV and a mountain biker getting off his bike on a narrow trail to allow a hiker to pass.”

    Joe, et al-

    Quite so… and there is a difference between a hiker being blown off the trail by a “freeride” punk poaching a foot path and an ATVer pulling over to allow cyclists through on some crappy fire road.

    When it comes to cyclists poaching hiking trails, what percentage of those riders are polite ambassadors of the sport, and what percentage are “freeride” punks? When it comes to ATVs poaching non-motorized trails, what percentage are polite ambassadors of the sport and what percentage are dipshit hillbillies? I’m just sayin’, it cuts both ways.

    “If you are going to have hiking only trails, there must be biking only trails. Most hiking only trails in the backcountry are so infrequently used that there is hardly any point to having them. Seriously, the PCT should be opened to bikes. There is no reason other than historical that it isn’t.”

    Also true. Up here in the Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie and Wenatchee National Forests, they are experimenting with having hikers and cyclists alternate days. It’s kind of an annoying system if you arrive at the trailhead on the wrong day, but it has received some favorable response.

    Up here, Wilderness [sic] is prohibited to cyclists but not horses for the same historical reasons. The rules were written many decades before mountain biking was invented and they read “non-MECHANIZED” use. When I was a hardcore alpinist (in the 70s and 80s) we would have preferred to exclude horses… Nowadays, I reckon horses are as destructive as bicycles, so cyclists should probably be allowed in the Wilderness. Don’t hold yer breath.

    There’s a short section of the PCT that I use to ride the so-called Mt. Catherine loop, between the fire roads on the west side of Ollalie Meadows (Windy Pass) and the Windy Pass road going down the east side. I hike it, it’s less than a mile.

    It’s my opinion that the Pacific Northwest isn’t the best place to test these ideas, because our trails are so steep and muddy. They can’t hold up to bicycle traffic and just turn into endless root-fests like Tiger Summit, no fun to ride or hike. In other parts of the West, the trails stand up to conscientious cycling quite well, and the issue is more valid.

    Mikey

  5. About the only time I poach hiker only trails is on night rides.
    I’ve only seen a hiker at night 1 or 2 times over years of doing night rides.

  6. James-

    Watch out for that possum- AIEEE!!

    We get occasional puma and bear maulings up here… if you ride with a sidearm, make sure to follow the old sourdough rule and file off the front sight… damn, that’s like my favorite Alaska joke EVAR. Awoo.

    Mikey

  7. Mikey , That so you can pull it out smoothly with no hang ups . Try that with your head !! Keep hikin……..

  8. “When it comes to cyclists poaching hiking trails, what percentage of those riders are polite ambassadors of the sport, and what percentage are “freeride” punks? When it comes to ATVs poaching non-motorized trails, what percentage are polite ambassadors of the sport and what percentage are dipshit hillbillies? I’m just sayin’, it cuts both ways.”

    I’d have to say that there are more bikers willing to work on singletrack trails and maintain them than hikers and ATVers combined. Also, most bikers around here, even those poaching, are polite with respect to hikers b/c they know the wrath of the Sierra Club … we’re certainly not talking about a high percentage in any event. It only takes one “punk” as you put it to fly by the wrong Sierra Club member to cause a stir that you never hear he end of …

    As for ATVs poaching non OHV approved trails, that’s a lot worse in many cases simply due to the trail damage. Many times the justification for closing trails to bikes is that the bikes are causing trail damage. Many trails in the bay area are closed to bikes but open to cows and horses. Simply doesn’t make sense. ATVs add an order of magnitude more damage to the area than any of the above, so don’t quite think the analogy holds.

    “It’s my opinion that the Pacific Northwest isn’t the best place to test these ideas, because our trails are so steep and muddy. ”

    I hear ya, but the answer isn’t to make the whole PCT illegal, which I’m sure you’ll agree with.

  9. “I’d have to say that there are more bikers willing to work on singletrack trails and maintain them than hikers and ATVers combined. Also, most bikers around here, even those poaching, are polite with respect to hikers b/c they know the wrath of the Sierra Club …”

    Joe, et al-

    I imagine it varies by region. Up here, there are a ton of hikers that do a ton of trail work, more than cyclists, to be sure. Maybe that’s another product of our steep, muddy trails, I dunno.

    The Sierra Club are fucking wingnuts, an embarrassment to backcountry users everywhere. Almost as bad as those Greenpeace nutjobs. (Disclosure: I’m an “Advocate” level TWS supporter, a staid bunch of environmentalists, if any such can exist.)

    “ATVs add an order of magnitude more damage to the area than any of the above, so don’t quite think the analogy holds.”

    Most ATVers are drooling idiots. At least motocross requires enough balance to stay on two wheels, and can (in sadly rare cases, it seems) be conducted respectfully. Even the sledheads are better than ATVers, if for no other reason than the snow protects some areas of the trails.

    Opinionatedly yours,

    Mikey

  10. In Flag all of the trials are built and maintained by bikers and dirt bikers. Occasionally we get hikers. 1 horse person, about 5 years ago.

    And in another year, the Coconino in their great and vast wisdom will be closing every motorcycle trail in the largest national forest in the country. The only legal motorized single track will be lower fort valley, a grand total of 11 miles. Oh, and they just closed 2 of the Phx riding areas. So expect lots of company.

    The Farse Service and Coconino Planning and Zoning can both blow me.

  11. “welcome to the 4 peaks wilderness! home of some of the coolest singletrack you can’t ride”

  12. Ike, dude, I don’t know who you have been listening to, but first of all the Coconino isn’t even _close_ to the largest national forest in the country, and second, according to their website their proposed travel management plan will leave 3,950 MILES of roads and trails open to motorized use AND one 13,700 acre area open to motorized use off-road. (That’s just on the Coconino National Forest, mind you– there remain five other National Forests in Arizona alone). If you can’t accommodate yourself on nearly 4,000 miles of motorized roads and trails and twenty square miles of off-road bliss, then you need to try and relax a little bit, bro.

  13. Mikey,
    Interesting that they are trying to alternate days when bikers and hikers can use the trails–so unlike government to try something like this. At least you get to use the trails.

    Back east, we have the Appalachian Trail and its “Corridor.” If you think Sierra Club members are wingnuts, AT Club members drive the short bus that Sierra Clubbers ride to their meetings. The corridor is buffer for the AT and it’s damn tough to ride anywhere without bumping into it. Trouble is, the ATC doesn’t want us even crossing through it. They have dragged deadfall and junk onto trails that have been there for 30 years, used live trees and plastic fence to block the ends of trails and will not, under any circumstances, consider a compromise of any sorts.

    Ike the Vike, sorry to hear you are losing those trails. Good singletrack, accessible to motorcycles, is something to cherish. Nothing like a clean-running 2-stroke and some primo lines through the trees.

  14. “Fuck it, I dont see anyone, do you?”

    “Naw man, lets ride it all the way.”

    “Sounds good. Last one down buys the beer.”

  15. Erik, have you looked at the MAPS of the TMR? Ike is absolutely right, 11 +/- Miles of SINGLE TRACK is not sufficient at all. Who gives a crap about roads, or the cinders? Motorcyclists in the Coconino have proven time and again to be responsible trail users, and the Coconino Trail Riders have probably the most active trail crew around next to FBO.. Yet, they still want to take the single track that we built away from us. The peaks loop? Gone. 70 MILES of single track that we built in the 60′s and maintained since then will be off limits. Want to know who made all the wonderful trails in the Coconino that every mountain bike magazine and website raves about? Yeah, it was dirt bikers.

    But hey, at least we got the cinders right? My ass, the cinders are PACKED with all the 4×4 atv dipshits everyone hates. Donut spinning, high pointing, dust kicking, trail ruining dipshits.

    Whatever, one day they’ll come for our mountain bikes too. Then we’ll hear your uproar.

  16. …dude, don’t shoot that photo of the trailhead !!!…

    …what’s up, why not ???..

    …you know how big jonny’s lookin’ for more “caption this ” photos ???…

    …ya, so ???…

    …well, he’ll wanna use it & then it’ll start out w/ some crazy shit ass comments…

    …right, guys like gnome n’ hefty n’ joe & then slacker, n’ fuckin’ pineapple n’ sommersfliesby n’ john n’ caveman…right & marrock’ll wanna harp in…

    …& that fuck bikesgonewild will say something stupid & then i can imagine fuckin’ humpty making a crack about the goddamn sierra club prob’bly…

    …nother (krack) brew, dude ???…& then somebody’ll get all serious ass about it…like fuckin’ mikey…

    …(krack) thanks, bro…ya, ya, fuckin’ mikey is right…that dude fer sure…dude oughta drink more beer, ha ha!!!..

    …right on, dude, but then other guys like joe n’ skippy n’ ike the vike’ll think they oughta get serious too…

    …oh, oh…

    …what up, dude ???…

    …know who’ll say some shit ???…that fuckin’ lawyer dude, eric, what’s his name, ryberg…nother fuckin’ serious dude, bro…

    …ya, he’s cool but if mikey gets started, it’ll never stop…fuck (krack) wanna nother one while they’re still cold…

    …awesome bro, (krack)…holy fuck, i dropped the camera in the fuckin’ dirt…goddammit, that sucks…oh,shit, i just poured beer on it when i’se bendin’ over pickin’ it up…

    …ha ha…sorry ’bout yer camera, bro, but hey, it’s all good right…now jonny can’t use that trailhead photo & cuz we thought all this shit out ahead a’ time, it’s like we saved a lotta shit from happenin’…

    …wow, yer right dude…we’re fuckin’ awesome…

  17. One must wear a red diagonal sash when biking or horseback riding on this trail.

  18. In Jefferson County here in Colorado the are trying the alternating days for hiking and biking. Seems to be working ok but it is only at one trail that I know of.

  19. Hey look! It’s the Christian path to heaven! Naturally, no bikes. Too bad we have to share hell with the fucking horseback riders.

  20. blowin trees, some reason i look at the pic long enuff i see 2 drop
    dead chicks on nice mTb’s saying hey wanta party tonight, WE HAVE BEERS :) follow us to the dark side boy!

  21. i remember pulling up to an oft used trailhead one day and noticing a new F.S. sign with a red slash through the bike. it seemed odd and forced me to approach and stare hard at this red slash which turned out to be a perfectly crafted piece of red electrical tape. off came the tape, on went the ride. bikers 1 hikers 0.
    recently in sedona we were having trouble finding the teacup trail tie in from soldiers pass (undoubtly due to bongs and beam)
    so we asked one of those moronic rock scaling jeep drivers who guided us in the right direction but closed with , you can’t ride that trail, it’a too hard and for hikers only. personally i took that as a dare and besides it’s in my guide book, so hasta dousch bag. bikers 1 morons 0
    if one can ride it nobody should be able to say you can’t, and if one can’t they probably won’t be back anyway.

    thusly, i say Fuck the Police , most hard core hikers stink eye you no matter how good an ambassador and polite you try to be. if your alternatives are limited, poach away and if you do come across a backcountryer hold ‘em down and golden should that stupid patchouli off their asses because that’s an EPA air quality violation any way

  22. i remember pulling up to an oft used trailhead one day and noticing a new F.S. sign with a red slash through the bike. it seemed odd and forced me to approach and stare hard at this red slash which turned out to be a perfectly crafted piece of red electrical tape. off came the tape, on went the ride. bikers 1 hikers 0.
    recently in sedona we were having trouble finding the teacup trail tie in from soldiers pass (undoubtly due to bongs and beam)
    so we asked one of those moronic rock scaling jeep drivers who guided us in the right direction but closed with , you can’t ride that trail, it’a too hard and for hikers only. personally i took that as a dare and besides it’s in my guide book, so hasta dousch bag. bikers 1 morons 0
    if one can ride it nobody should be able to say you can’t, and if one can’t they probably won’t be back anyway.

    thusly, i say Fuck the Police , most hard core hikers stink eye you no matter how good an ambassador and polite you try to be. if your alternatives are limited, poach away and if you do come across a backcountryer hold ‘em down and golden shower that stupid patchouli off their asses because that’s an EPA air quality violation any way

  23. “Fuck the Police , most hard core hikers stink eye you no matter how good an ambassador and polite you try to be. if your alternatives are limited, poach away and if you do come across a backcountryer hold ‘em down and golden shower that stupid patchouli off their asses”

    Johnnyv–

    Thanks for the thoughtful perspective, nimrod. “Most hard core hikers,” you say? Huh, I wonder if a hiker has ever met a guy like you on a closed trail and said, “most mountain bikers…”? Hey, do the MTB community a big favor and stay home, dipshit.

    Mikey

  24. You westerners with your untold miles of open space crack me up when you cry about access. Try living in the deep south where public land is almost nil, unless you are in the TN/NC/GA hill country.

  25. “Hey, do the MTB community a big favor and stay home, dipshit.”

    hey mikey, lighten the fuck up. it’s way past 4:20, bubble up some gnarly ganglion jah love and enjoy the ride. Mikey Dread

  26. Hmm, it’s a good thing I’m pictorially illiterate.

    I don’t know quite what the score is on your side of the Pacific, but over here bikes are banned completely from national parks. I’ll poach the odd trail if it’s worth it, looks like it might be worth it or I feel like it. I ride with respect to the status of the track; balls out on the legal stuff, a bit more circumspect on the dodgey stuff. I used to ride some great illegal single track about 10 km from the last town I lived in, in 3 years of riding I saw maybe 2 groups of people. We kept the tracks clear, smashed up the jumps the idiots built on the walking tracks and tried to educate all the other riders we met. You’re right, I’m part of the problem.

  27. Erik Ryberg

    We built the great majority of the single track on the peaks and on elden. Why dont we get to ride any of it? Why are we banned to the fucking cinders.

    Mostly because the Coconino is the most mismanaged Forest around. Even the employees of other forests make fun of the coconino.

  28. that’s a good idea MIKEY, coupla rips might do you some good and dilute those patchouli fumes that are eating away your brain cells.you might want to consider having that giant hair removed from your ass while your at it.