Dope – epod

I’ve been thinking a lot about doping of late. Being competitive across the pond. What it takes. What it means. How it got this way. And why it will probably stay this way. My own current physical condition and how I a few handfuls of blue and yellow purple pills would make it all better. And, then I’ve been out in the garage riding the rollers while watching VHS tapes of mid-nineties European racing.

Mother fuckers were doped to the gills.

I play games to pass the time, turn circles, turn circles, what drugs was that rider rumored to be using? What’d he get caught with? What’d they tape him talking about in a hotel room? What’d he get banned for? What lame excuse did he trot out?

That guy, he dressed like it’s summer in a cold, rainy, fucking awful Spring Classic. And he looks… puffy. Look at the ass on that blimp… And he just rode six people off his wheel.

That guy, he’s wrapped up like it’s the dead of winter and it’s 75 degrees out in the Giro. His blood must be like molasses. And he just disappeared up the road. For the fourth day in a row.

Dope. Dope. Dope.

It makes you stronger. It speeds recovery. It makes you faster. Everyone is doing it.

I didn’t write anything regarding the recent signing of Tyler Hamilton to Rock Racing. Or whatever they fucking call themselves lately. What is there to say that hasn’t been said better already? New year, new name, same storied riders. Or, steroid riders. Or, whatever.

Best joke I heard about that was if Rock was going to pay his disappearing twin too. Maybe it was some kind of package deal – a twofer. You get Tyler Hamilton and his erratic blood values for one low price. They should pay him in Top Ramen.

Rock Racing – ugh. I saw these guys at the trade show. And I gave them a wide berth. Like miles. There is nothing there I want anything to do with. More cash in flashy gasoline powered bullshit than I care to see. Tattoos wall to wall. Expensive pants the like a man should never wear. Eye candy chicks hanging out. Loud music.

And this is coming from a guy who sold porn online for years and years. And years. And years.

That trainwreck will not last. I give ‘em another year, tops. After this interview with team honch and check singer Michael Ball dropped back in mid-December, all kinds of fun followed. Chris Horner felt obligated to tell his side of the “played us” line. And I’m going with Horner 100% on this one. Then, none other than the teams director sportif, Frankie Andreu ends his contract.

All this in three weeks.

Oh, it’s going to be a very interesting year for Rock Racing. Who gets popped for a doping offense first? Who won’t even be allowed to race? Who gets fired for not winning?

What are the odds riders salaries won’t be covered through mid-summer when this all goes pear shaped?

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

5 thoughts on “Dope – epod

  1. I am pretty sure it’s Rock n’ Roid Racing.

    Yeah, that’s it.

    You Roid up, and your Rocks fall off, but hey, that’s Racing!

  2. I first saw rock racing back at the first National Calendar race, the McClain Pacific Crit in Merced last year. Frankly, their kits really stood out, all black and white with a big skull, plus they were signing some of the edgier road racers… Bahatti, Klinger, etc… I had high hopes for them.

    I’ve stated before that I don’t care if racers dope. I just want to see some kick ass racing. If I stopped watching sports with dopers, which sports would be left to watch?

  3. …thank you bush43…after reading jonny’s heartfelt diatribe, i was about to toss my cookies from confronting so much raw truth in one sitting, but yer reply brought me right back around…
    …good stuff…

  4. KG, Here are a few reasons why you should care if riders dope:

    1. You are getting a false representation of the true winner of the race. If rider X dopes and wins, while riders Y and Z round out the podium without dope, both they and you are getting screwed, them out of money, glory, potential sponsorship, etc…, and you out of the trust and/or the applause/fanfair/passion with which you may have cheered for rider X, who has decieved you with his performance.

    2. Doping ruins potential sponsorship, which in turn will eventually ruin cycling.

    3. Doping can eventually kill a rider.

    4. Doping can (and probably has) keep talented riders from continuing in the sport.

    5. A team like Rock Racing has not been proven guilty of anything, however, given the riders they have hired and the comments of their owner, one has to wonder when something will happen. Remember that WalMart also has not been convicted of unfair business practices either, but would you shop there?

    I could go on, but I think I’m done for now.

  5. didja catch the cycling news post alleging landis to be el rocko’s ds? which can’t happen cause of like, rules. the rumor of landis w rock has been widely floated in the underground for days. frankie was walking a tightrope the whole time he was there and he knew it. some of those kids, like rashan, seem like good guys but whaddoiknow? ball’s loud mouth and brash signings sure doesn’t help things in the sport as far as any war on dope is concerned; maybe his presence proves there isn’t one. I hear tell he’s trying to build a women’s team on a hot-chicks only policy, look for the girls-gone-racing video with snoop dog soon. oh and his clothing is over priced over stitched swill popular with the 15$ cocktail set, so he’s bound to go far. meanwhile, in deutchland t-mob’s troubles run deep, apparently – what to make of ‘team high road’s’ new kit in all black? that way they can wear the strip and still hide from the gendarmes on training rides near their favorite dirty doctor. should be an interesting year indeed.