More hijinks in the Old Pueblo

God damn I miss me some Tucson… Thanks to Cortelinc2 for the link.

Old Man, New Tricks
East Sterling Canyon Drive, Corona De Tucson, Sept. 14, 12:09 p.m.

An 11-year-old boy walking home from school had his bicycle severely damaged by an irate elderly golfer, said a Pima County Sheriff’s Department report.

The boy said he was walking his bicycle along the cart path of the Corona de Tucson golf course when a white-haired gentleman, approximately 70 years old, approached him with a golf club and told him to “get out of there,” because he didn’t belong there. Then the man came closer and grabbed the boy’s bike. He placed a hand on each of the bike’s handlebars and pushed down with all his weight, bending the handlebars 90 degrees compared to their original position.

The golfer then returned the bike to the boy and demanded he leave the premises. The boy reported that he had been very scared, because at one point, the man had raised his golf club in the air.

The boy promised the responding officer that if he saw this particular senior citizen again and felt threatened, he would abandon his bicycle and run away.

Tagging Dirty
First Avenue, Sept. 14, 8:48 a.m.

A female chiropractor came to work to find detailed and vulgar graffiti written outside her office, according to a PCSD report.

The reporting officer said he met the woman at her place of business to inspect the damage. On the sign outside the office announcing the name of the business, someone had used a permanent marker to announce: “This is a no-panties zone.”

Directly across from the office on the sidewalk area, the same marker had apparently been used to write a short, first-person narrative beginning, “I guess it is true I love taking my clothes off …” and concluding with an unclear statement about the “biggest cock” being guided “ever so intensely right into my mouth.”

The third instance of graffiti, seemingly written by the same person, was much more extensive and explicit. Too grammatically erroneous to be quite understandable, the handwritten paragraph detailed various sexual acts involving a security guard, a daughter’s friend, a next-door neighbor and a lot of spanking and sucking of genitalia. “Aint no lie she suck excennt,” the passage concluded.

The person who reported the crime was very disturbed and said she had absolutely no idea who would do something like this. No witnesses came forward. (Source:

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

9 thoughts on “More hijinks in the Old Pueblo

  1. Panty Free Zone.
    I love it, I’m going to put that sign on my door.
    Poor kid with his bike, shoulda kicked grandpa in the Ding Ding and laid a sweet one footed skid on the putting green.

  2. There is no more fun than having a reason to rip up a golf course with some WTB VelociRaptors. Poor little dude.

    Maybe we need some DC “No Panties Zone” T-shirts…?

  3. I doubt the kid was as innocent as he said. The old guy would have to be totally insane if he did nothing to provoke him, which is possible. But there is a good chance the kid left some details out of his story.

  4. Fuck tearing up that golf course with an MTB…a fresh set of Dunlop 756s on my YZ250 would be the hot ticket.