Cougar dreams and malt liquor wishes…

I’m calling it. This is the Year of the Cougar.

We’ve had the twenty niner. We’ve had carbon fiber in all its stupid light & expensive glory. I had pegged the twenty seven inch and a quarter knobby coaster brake wheel for a comeback, but I might be ahead of the curve on that one. (1) It has yet to break out in a big way. Maybe the industry will catch up in another year or so.

Till then, we’re left with the Cougar.

A 32 year old I know, who shall remain nameless, went on a date last night with a 52 year old woman. He told me he’s dated a girl six years his senior before, so he could handle a twenty year spread no problem. I asked if she was a Cougar and he replied, “Of course.”

Then I heard someone say, “She had big ‘ol Las Vegas Cougar titties. You know what I mean.”

Another told me, “I’ve got the Cougar Call of the show. You just gotta know what these women want to hear. I was at the Fox booth and I tried out a new line: ‘Yeah! What are you doin?’ She was mine, dude. It was a stunning success.”

I even got, “I had a full on Cougar dream last night. It was cool.”

The fifth example in my oh so very fucking serious collection of data is the line I heard earlier today: “Dude, pencil me Cougar.”

There is no other conclusion one can draw from my experiences of today, my friends. This is indeed the Year of the Cougar.

The only bike I want to share is the Voodoo Agwe. They call it a 28 incher. 700c rim with a smallish tire. Go figure.

Voodoo Agwe
Shit photo credit: big retard jonny

It looks like a good one to me. In fact, I plan on buying one as soon as they become available. My own personnel endorsement, for whatever it’s worth.

I found myself at the Surly booth again like an alcoholic who keeps finding himself back in the bar. Three or four times today. That could be because the Surly booth is a bar for all all intents and purposes. In other shit news, I just spent nine US dollars on a ham and cheese sandwich. I feel like I’ve been raped.

I saw Tom Ritchey walking around in a pair of plastic orange shoes. It’s true what they say; you should never meet your heroes.

I got mail. I got mail. I got mail. Yea!

From: Chris
Subject: vegas
Arizona does hold a grip on you… She is like that really hot punk rock chick with the jail house tattoos that treats you like shit sometimes but then out of nowhere rocks your world

Interbike crushed me by Wed, so I went home.

Drinkin 12 packs of Banquet beer with all my friends from around the country on the street in front of Harrah’s through the night Tuesday did me in.

As far as the sow goes, there was too much carbon that was obviously all made in the same factory but with different paint jobs. How many different ways can you polish a turd? The answer lies somewhere in the Sands convention center

Every time I close my eyes these last few days, I see Fonzie jumping the Shark. I may have to seek counseling.

The Interbyke Trade Show

At least I can get big burly man-hugs from the White Trash Underbelly of the Cycling Industry. Not only am I the President, I’m also a member.

It helps get me through the hard times.

From: Tony Bagadonuts
Subject: Score one for Cyclists
Here’s one from the NM Bike Racers email list: Cyclists,
About 3 months ago a semi-trailer hauling hay crowded Paul Ward as he cycled on one of our local roads. The driver then pulled off the road and was belligerent. After Paul came back and described the truck, several other riders recognized the behavior and the truck, so Paul decided to do something.

It turns out Paul always rides with his camera phone and he had taken a picture of the license plate. We blew it up and then traced the license to a commercial trucker from arenas valley.

Paul then went to magistrate court and filed a criminal complaint against the fellow for careless driving and assault. It was a pretty easy process that cost 20 bucks (which he got back as part of the ruling).

Yesterday, a rather sheepish truck driver had to spend a morning in court, pay a $400 fine, and get a lecture from the judge on driving behavior…and he actually got off pretty easily (the last guy who went to court for the same stuff ended up paying more than 3 K (including lawyers, court costs, etc…)

The moral of the story is that we, as cyclist, can use the court system to remove dangerous driving behaviors. We can also use these resources to keep an ugly situation from escalating into violence.

On rides, rehearse in your mind, these steps, in case you are accosted:

1) Always be nice and carry a camera phone or recording device (paper/pencil). Photograph license and driver if possible.

2) (ASAP) call dispatch (911) and record all information about the vehicle and the driver.

3) Put out a description of the driver and the vehicle to the cycling community, and see if anyone else has had experience.

4) Have 2-3 people help each other go through the process (preferably someone who has experience with the system and two more who can learn the system)

5) File the complaint at magistrate court using the language specific to the charges (careless driving or assault). Using the license number you can get Date of Birth.

Show up to court on time or early. Be courteous and emphasize the danger such behavior presents particularly inexperienced cyclists (e.g. children).

Finally, try to dissipate the anger by not smirking and by recognizing their point. Remember, we are not interested in punishment so much as a modification of behavior.

1: Credit to Anthony the “God of New Jersey” for the line. It’s not often he hits the fairway, so when he does we ought to give him the nod.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

8 thoughts on “Cougar dreams and malt liquor wishes…

  1. My father-in-law’s girlfriend is a bit cougar-ish, in a ‘French film respectable businesswoman gets downright filthy mc-nasty with the punker/outsider artist/29’er biker 15 years her junior’ sorta way.

    I’ll let you know how that turns out.

  2. …i profess ignorance, what with being an old fuck & all, but where or how did that word come into play ???…
    …somebody gimme the etymological breakdown…por favor…

  3. …nice, & thanks…

    …gotta say, under the circumstances, got cougared up as a hard riding young cyclist…learned a lot about the “fairer” sex & my, oh, my, but don’t them cougars love them some hard ridin’ young men…

  4. I don’t know etymology prior to this year, but I’m sure a little bell went off in everyone’s head this year when they saw the tv “who’s in your 5’s” spot with the two girls at a party chatting about not being able to stand or trusting your boyfriend’s 5, and then the next scene some 52 yr old “cougar is chatting up” this chix BFF BF – turns out it was the mom in just being affectionate. From there, son i think it was just realized, – you know, kind of how every thing comes to earth – Isaac Newton and some German dude independently developing calculus at the same time…cougars roaming the planet.

  5. …ah yes, the old hundredth monkey, i mean, cougar theory…by the time the first ten got themselves some, independent of each other, well, the next hundred were a natural to happen…

    …like you said, “cougars roaming the planet”…calculating…