I must take exception to Big Jonny’s description of my hometown in the vile post below. “Graveyard with lights,” indeed. The actual phrase, as employed in the late Seventies by Rusty Mitchell, former food editor for the Gazette Telegraph, is “cemetery with lights,” although she occasionally used the slightly less pejorative “suburb without a city.”

But things have changed in the past three decades, and today Bibleburg residents can easily find a church or two on every corner, cheer as flak-jacketed cops thump peace activists in the St. Paddy’s Day parade, or casually discriminate against an ominously swelling population of various disgruntled minorities, including a handful of Democrats. Chain hog troughs ring Super Sprawl-Marts like portly courtiers surrounding a syphilitic king, and every city block sports a traffic signal, none of which is timed. Instead, an emaciated speed freak controls each and every signal through banks of video cameras and toggle switches, and he will see to it that it takes you at least a half hour to back out of your driveway and a half day to make it downtown, even if you live there. This is why natives treat red lights as advisory only, and why tourists die in droves.

Meanwhile, Big Jonny and his henchmen descended upon Chez Dog on Tuesday bearing powerful thirsts, fantastic tales of prowess in battle and bibulousness, and thumbs-down reviews of the Clarion Downtown hotel, which apparently lacks food, strong drink and high-speed Internet. Fortunately I had a couple sixers, a half-dozen bottles of wine, a pair of pizzas the size of 29’er wheels and a little China White to take the edge off their ravenous appetites. Otherwise there could have been mayhem, and the neighbors are already grousing about how property values have plummeted since “the Irish” moved in.

More of the same awaits tonight. The Drunkcyclist mob has discovered that Bibleburg is home to a number of establishments whose menus depart from the standard wafers-and-wine theme, and I am to be tour guide.

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

About Patrick O'Grady

Making stuff up for money since 1977. Making stuff up about cycling for money since 1989. See VeloNews and Bicycle Retailer & Industry News, found crumpled near the crapper in stylish homes and pro bike shops worldwide.

17 thoughts on “Counterpoint

  1. …with jonny’s initial two line ‘sketch’ & the subsequent posted ‘coloring in’ of the picture of colorado springs, a very different view has emerged in my brain…

    …now, mr. o’grady’s eloquent civic disertation has completed this painting of disaster…

    …never having reached that particular corner of the state, my personal ‘mind picture’ was, oh, cool, colorado springs, la de da, olympic traning center, a velodrome, that’s gotta be great, lotsa cyclist’s living the dream, yadda da yadda…

    …now i find my picasso is more like an etch-a-sketch done by a kid in bible class…whoa !…

  2. Eh. It’s not just CS. It’s the whole damn state.

    Whores and bores…..nothing but.

    Of course I’ve never been. I got that from me pappy.

    And now that I think of it, he was never there either. I believe he got that from a drunk on a Greyhound to Buffalo.

    It’s the Gospel Truth tho.

  3. Wow. Colorado Springs must be really cool, cause they sorta stopped posting. Once I worked for the Dept of Agriculture and turned my work in from I know they have interweb up there. (Best bike job ever, btw. Every day was a different more rural place..often 2 towns from the dairy queen and 1 to the alsups)

    People (and cyclists) get too hung up on geography.
    Dirt is dirt…and if ya pave it or dont …what’s the diff?
    One place has fucked up fundamentalists, the other has fucked up mormons..and in texas .W moved to the town known for David Koresh, Ann Richards, and Wilie Nelson.
    We got yer weird.

  4. All I can say is that when Ted Haggard shows up at the door with your pizza, for God’s sake give the man a nice tip. He’s been through a lot.

  5. This is strange…O’Grady claims that Big Jonny gave the ‘ol “thumbs-down reviews of the Clarion Downtown hotel, which apparently lacks food, strong drink and high-speed Internet.” Since I am not considering a visit to Bible Town I thought I would look into this vile place and lo “The business traveler will welcome conveniences like free wireless high-speed Internet access in all rooms and the business center with fax and copy machines.” I wonder what the problem could be? Perhaps he has the only room without said high-speed internet?

  6. The Clarion is completely full of shit. They have no internet access. The restaurant has been closed for six months, according to the staff here that actually talk with words. And the bar closes at 6:30. Between Jackass and me we have no less than ten “free drink” tickets, given to us by various employees that feel sorry for us or some shit, but we can’t seem to actually redeem the fucking things.

    But Jack Quinns’ is rather nice. I’d recommend that spot whole-heartedly. If you’re around, check it. It’s not even that far from Interstate 25. You could hit it on your way through town.

  7. OMG man! Those lying bastards! But hey…by the sound of things Mad Dog’s hospitality is epic!

  8. “RacersandRaceFansRlosers has obviously never been to Greeley.”

    Yeah I smelled that stink to…O’Grady tied with Greeley.