The High Jinx

Why am I always carrying on about Billy Penn? Why have I put up photos of the bloated dick Quaker in my back yard? Why do I have a fucking statue of the insatiable douchebag in my house? Why have friends of mine covered up photos of their own children with that of Billy Penn?

Because we’re willing to try anything short of felonies at this point.

Keeping alive a centuries-old tradition – with a Philadelphia twist – a beam was hoisted to the highest point of Comcast Center today, topping off Philadelphia’s new tallest skyscraper.

There was a small tree at one end of the beam, which had been signed by workers and those gathered for the ceremony, and an American flag at the other.

Between them was a statue of William Penn, the city’s founder. There is a myth that Philadelphia’s sports teams will not win a championship as long as a building “rises above Billy Penn” on City Hall, said Bill Hankowsky, chief executive officer of Liberty Property Trust, the Malvern company that is building Comcast Center.


A myth? Or, my reality? I report, you decide.

Philadelphia sports history is full of stories of about the agony of defeat, much like most cities. However, the concentration of those stories in the years following the construction of One Liberty Place, and the ending of William Penn’s reign atop the city, is hard to fathom. The Curse of William Penn has taken such hold in this championship starved city, that even Comcast Spectacor (the owners of the new Comcast Building as well as the Philadelphia Flyers and 76ers) has given into superstition by giving William Penn a new throne, albeit a mini one, at the tallest point in the city. And if the curse shall be broken shortly after the opening of the Comcast building’s opening, there will be those people who say it is all a coincidence. But, like the song “Grandma got run over by a reindeer,” as for me and Grandpa, we believe.


We’re all fucking crazy when it comes to Billy Penn. Listen to Comcast’s executive vice president David L. Cohen:

“So, when it came to the topping-off ceremony, I called Bill and said it would be perfect to add to the traditional evergreen and the American flag, a statue of Billy Penn. And that’s what we did. So, somewhere up there, there will be this little statue. It’s 25 inches tall, not a Calder; he’s the sculptor that did the one atop City Hall… I am an incredibly superstitious person.”


It’s really all about “Willard Rouse III, the founder of Liberty Property Trust, who died in 2003… He led a long battle in the 1980s to end the agreement that no building rise above the Penn statue.” (Source:

Thanks to Willard, we’re all horribly doomed for eternity.

And, finally, this email:

From: Al
Subject: birds
I heard this rumor that Pay n’ Take is going to pipe in all the Eagles games this season?
If it’s fact, a blessing for us poor, TV-less chaps from the old country, I’m there…
Fiction? Then it’s a cruel joke.
Yo, Philly represent.

Oh, it’s for real. Check the confirmation:

From: Brinky
Subject: Pay ‘n Take hosting eagles-games
We just got the 2 upgraded flat screen TVs at the store in preparation of the upcoming NFL season where we will be hosting only Eagles games (w/ sound on both TVs) while the Eagles are playing. After the Eagles games are concluded other NFL games may (but not necessarily) be televised.

There you have it folks, I’ll be spending my daughter’s college fund on lager down at my favorite drinking establishment and making poorly advised bets against other NFC East teams.

As it should be.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

4 thoughts on “The High Jinx

  1. …i’m just hopin’ ya don’t get busted by the neighbors…
    …fer dancin’ naked in the moonlight, on the front lawn, chanting yer teams name…

    …ah, you know…like me, the last coupla years…
    …but, hell, i know it’s workin’…

  2. neighbors beware…
    you get more than five eagles fans in one place, anywhere on the planet, while a game’s going on…. well..

  3. Thank you for the sensible critique. Me & my neighbour were preparing to do some research about that. We got a good book on that matter from our local library and most books where not as influensive as your information.