Alms for an old ex-leper?

Former New Life Church pastor Ted Haggard, who resigned in disgrace after a dubious relationship with a meth-dealing gay hooker, is at it again. This time, he’s begging for money to keep him and the family in bacon and beans while he “ministers” to the downtrodden and attends college in Phoenix.

According to the Gazette, Haggard has been paid $338,000 since the beginning of 2006 and owns a home in Bibleburg valued at more than $700,000, but still finds himself a tad light in the wallet pocket (in addition to the loafers). In an e-mail posted on a local TV station’s Web site, the grounded sky pilot wrote:

“It looks as though it will take two years for us to have adequate earning power again, so we are looking for people who will help us monthly for two years. During that time we will continue as full-time students, and then, when I graduate, we won’t need outside support any longer.”

Uh huh. Right. This two-bit Elmer Gantry will be proffering the old collection plate as long as he has the strength to lift it. The sad thing is, the simps will keep filling it. I’ll give Ted a little something — the same advice my dad gave me. You want money? Get a fuckin’ job.

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About Patrick O'Grady

Making stuff up for money since 1977. Making stuff up about cycling for money since 1989. See VeloNews and Bicycle Retailer & Industry News, found crumpled near the crapper in stylish homes and pro bike shops worldwide.

15 thoughts on “Alms for an old ex-leper?

  1. He’s tried to get a job, but there isn’t any money for suckin’ peters. Oops, thats right, there is, but he paid out all his family’s money to get meth and suck peters…so follow the man blindly and know that he is telling you the truth about religion!

  2. …hallelujah, brothers & sisters…worship not these pagan heathens, these defilers of righteousness w/ thine hard earned ducats…

    …but verily i say to you, the church of the bike…therein lies salvation…

    …oh, ya, & support yer local bike shop, bucko…

  3. This guy sucks (what he’s sucking, we’re not really sure), but he’s definitely going to Hell, and not just for doing it with dudes, mostly because he’s Douchy McDouchenstein.

  4. To err is human; to forgive, divine.

    these are some seriously ‘divine’ motherfuckers if they keep forgiving Gaywad McDouchebag.

    Or maybe they are just retarded.

  5. Funny, I also live in Phoenix and wish to go to college (for a career change), but I find myself in a bit of a quandry…I need to keep earning money so that my family (consisting of a wife, 2 kids and myself) can stay in the black.

    I wish I had a $700,000 home to sell so that I could, hmm, buy a mere $400,000 home and then use the remaining $300,000 for 2 years of school expenses. Even then, I’d be $250,000 in the black. What’s HIS excuse? Shameful.

    I have one of these massive megachurches (CCV) about a mile north of me. My neighborhood is filled with people who contribute about $250,000 a week to the outfit. My question for them: What the hell are you people thinking?

  6. From that article: “The Dream Center is run by Pastor Tommy Barnett, another of the ministers appointed to oversee Haggard’s spiritual restoration. Barnett heads the 15,000-member megachurch Phoenix First Assembly of God.”

    Sorry guys, but I can NOT pass this one up. My wife’s aunt bought tickets to some Christmas show extravaganza at the above church in Phoenix (it’s a MASSIVE megachurch) and invited the entire family to go see it. It was horribly corny and quite bad. Towards the end of the show, the pastor (above) interrupted (naturally) and asked that the audience all pray together. Then, while the audience was supposed to be praying with their eyes closed (him too), he deftly and slowly snuck his hand into his pocket (and his eyes were also closed) and whipped out a comb and proceeded to carefully comb his hair.

    As he closed the prayer, the audience opened their eyes to see a freshly coiffed pastor, and he immediately appealed to us to reach into our wallets (I guess the high price of admission to this disaster was not enough) to help fund their new luxury youth center. My wife and I both had kept our eyes open and saw the whole thing. We both confided afterward that this guy looked like some kind of scam artist, and the hair combing incident confirmed it.

  7. As I dug further, I found that Haggard is being supported by the Phoenix Dream Center while he keeps his $700,000 home in Colorado Springs (or sells it for its cash). He is also being employed by them during his U of P masters program. Nifty deal, eh? So I figured…I want to go back to school too, but the fact that I have to work a job right now to pay the bills sort of limits my ability to do that. I support a family of 4 on a meager salary. But perhaps Phoenix Dream Center can help, right? Below is the email I just sent them. I wonder how they’ll respond?:

    Dear Phoenix Dream Center,

    I’m a husband and father of two who lives locally in Glendale, and I’d like to go back to school to pursue my Masters of Science in Physician Assistant Studies at Glendale’s Midwestern University. However, my financial situation limits my ability to provide for my family during this time, as it is a full-time day program only. Right now, I must work as a graphic designer to provide material support to my family and keep my $X,XXX.00 per month house payment current.

    It is very important to me that I transition to a career that allows me to serve the Lord (and his children) in a meaningful and direct way.

    My proposal:

    I’d like to move my family into the Phoenix Dream Center for two years and rent my home out in the meantime. This will provide the daily living expenses I’d need to achieve my educational goal, and your center’s help would provide my family with safe shelter from the elements and provide a supportive atmosphere for my life change. In exchange, I would be more than willing to supply hands-on support and guidance to the Center’s other residents. Being that I am a trained graphic designer, I could also assist in any website design or other design needs your organization might have. My wife is a fantastic teacher and mentor of children, and would be more than happy to assist as well. I’m attaching photos of my two adorable children (Madeline and Charles).

    Please let me know if this proposal might be acceptable to the Dream Center.

    Yours in Christ,

    Patrick Mannion
    Glendale, Az