Fun times with my daughter these last few days. I’m not going to the office this week and she’s not in day care. We’ve got nothing but each other and a fridge full of food.
So the other day I’m thinking I gotta take a dump. Its time. I can’t put it off a moment longer.
Best case scenario, I do the business while her mother is still here in the morning before work or when she’s taking her afternoon nap. But I’ve managed to split the uprights on this one; Mom is gone and the nap is hours away.
I’m doomed. Horribly doomed. I opt for the downstairs toilet with the door open so I can keep an eye on the little hellion. You just know that she’ll stumble across a chainsaw or other obscenely dangerous instrument Dear Old Dad had managed to leave on the kitchen floor. How am I going to explain that one to the wife? Honey, I swear to God, I didn’t even know we owned a chainsaw!
Yeah. Not good.
So, door open and an ear for trouble. Who comes to join me? The little hellion. I say, scram, getta outta here. But she knows better. Daddy’s up to something, and it’s something worth checking out.
She giggles off around the corner, and stupid me, I think I’m in the clear. Oh no. Not me. Anything but clear around here.
I hear her grunting before I see her. She’s managed to drag one of her small little toddle chairs from the living room, past the kitchen and down the hall. She drags it into the bathroom, and places it against the sink cabinet. Before I can say a word, she turns and runs back towards the living room. She returns with her two favorite toys of late, a pink magic wand with streamers and a toy cell phone.
She’s laughing at my discomfort as she sits her little ass down and starts smacking me in the knees with the business end of her wand.
Oh, it was a moment. I resign myself to “company” at the office and finish up the task at hand. Wouldn’t ya know it, I’ve clenched up a bit in the last few minutes wondering if I was going to have to abort in the middle of stocking the bowl with brown trout in order to tend to God knows what involving chainsaws & bulldozers out in the kitchen.
It’s all over but the crying. And the ass wiping. I pause at this point, not having enjoyed the pleasure of wiping my own ass in front of my daughter, or anyone else in memory, and having wiped hers, oh, I dunno, daily for the last year and a half… Oh fuck it.
I wipe, flush, pull my pants and stand. She reaches for the toilet paper roll, I chide her thinking she was going to just knock it all over the floor like she’s done in the past. But, to my surprise (then and now) she tears off a couple of squares, wipes the back of her pants and throws the paper in the garbage can.
Now it’s my turn to laugh hysterically. My mirth only servers to encourage the little thing as she tears off a couple of fresh squares and walks around the house going step step, wipe, step step, wipe and so on.
I still can’t believe that actually happened.
I took a picture of her chair afterwards as it’s just too insane to leave to your imagination.
[coding horror] codinghorror.com
[blue balls] spraycannihilist.googlepages.com
[upcoming events] forthandback200.blogspot.com
[az hillclimbs] hlhap.com/azroadclimbs.html