Girl Trap or The Return of Porn (sort of…)

Recently I had the fortune of beating the ‘Girl trap’ once and for all. Or at least as long as I don’t abuse my newfound power.

The wife and I went to the river to celebrate the girlfriend of her brothers’ birthday. He studied to be a chef, and can cook like no other. Chicken satay, BBQ ribs, wurstchen and burgers. All delicious. (To be fair, no one can touch my man Kilgore. He wins by default just from his awesome grill.) A few old friends of theirs we hadn’t seen were there, and beer was had by all.

There were a ton of people out, since the weather has been damn near perfect for grilling, and many a tan line was seen. Next to us were two girls and a guy, all in their late teens, early 20′s. They were a strange group, and the one girl (I swear…) kept lifting up her bikini-bottom to check on how her little mohawk was doing. How do I know? Yeah, I looked. I’m only human. So eventually the missus and I get to talking about how we slowly want to pack it tin, how the group is a bit mixed and doesn’t fit with us, etc… The usual “I’d rather be home on the couch.” bullshit. The wife finally says to me, “Those girls are really bizarre, doncha think?”
“Um…yeah…” I’m thinking I got caught and now I’m in the long scraggly claws of the girl trap, slowly, inexorably dragging me to my slow inevitable pain-filled death.
“Is it her top, or are those her nipples?”
I look at her (the wife) with bulging eyes and open mouth for a few seconds.
“You realize what you just did?”
“No what?”
“You just made me HAVE to look. YOU opened the door, so you can no longer get mad if I DO look.”
“Hey wait…”
“Nope. You opened the door. I will try not to abuse it, but You opened it.”

I look over at the girl and study her >ehem< Bikini top.

“No, it’s the way the thing is sewn.”(Here is where I got to test my newly acquired powers…) “But she does have puffers.”
“What?”
“Puffers. You know, puffy nipples.”
“What the hell are THOSE?”
Looking up at the stars I thanked Spongebob for the second helping of free-pass.
“That’s when they don’t get all pokey, they look like little pink marshmallows all puffy and shit. Hence the name.”
“Uh huh.” She gives me the ‘I didn’t think you were such a pervert’ look.

“You opened the door to this conversation, I am just following it to its natural conclusion.”
“No, it’s not that. I’m just not sure I understand about the nipples.”

Bless my glowingly proud erection, I am being handed a free pass for porn.

“When we get home, Ill look for a good pic, so you know what I mean.”

Needless to say I have thoroughly enjoyed my freedom from the girl-trap for as long as it has lasted. I know it will return. It has no choice, but for now I remain a free man.

—BikePunk

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestmailby feather

About bikepunk

“Cuts, scrapes, bruises… all in a day’s riding. Then it’s off for some good german beer in a local biergarten.” Munich, Germany

20 thoughts on “Girl Trap or The Return of Porn (sort of…)

  1. I figured you wouldn’t be gone from it long. The time away never last for long.
    Women want us to look. Look at all the products in the world that they use to make us look. look at the millions of women out there that are on the web in different sites. Some are worse than others, sure. But, learn to look at the beauty of what the female body is. Looking is not a bad thing. We’ve been doing it since our eyes were open. Just stay away from the pure out skanky porn chick type places and you’ll be fine.
    Bottom line is this…
    They want us to look or they wouldn’t do it.
    End of fuckin story!

  2. Thanks for the article Bikepunk. It was niptastic. You’ve made this site a better place.

  3. Im not going to make it a regular thing, but I figured it fit with the story. Jonny gets final word, and he says no more porn, If you cvant find it on your own, or come to a bike site just to get your porn, you’re looking in the wrong places.

    I am glad you all enjoyed it though.

  4. It’s not that we come to a bike site to “get porn”…it’s a value added feature that many of us appreciated…and would like to appreciate again…on a regular basis! ;-)

  5. But now I can look at the site during work and school. Also now i can really sell it to those that might look down on me like coworkers and teachers even. Once the porn left I told my teacher about the site and he loves it, i couldnt do that before. It is nice to get a reminder of the little extras every now and again though even if it might make me look bad for recomending a site that used to be liberal, porn infested,bike promoting and promote drinking. I am a guy four basic food groups rght there. Although when i got a concussion the other week my parents asked more about the site because they wanted to know if the concussion and drinkign and cycling played a role.

  6. School is where you bring the “magazines” Charlyfox…Easyrider was our magazine of choice to read during Bio 30.

  7. Hey Big Jonny & BikePunk: People can also find political banter and funny stories on other websites. Should we all go elsewhere? Or should we get all the good stuff in one jam-packed website….? Porn/Bikes/Liberal Politics=drunkcyclist.com

    I feel like the site has sold out to blend with society.

  8. Hey… the porn ads are gone, which helps me at work. Put porn on if you want. BikePunk made it pretty clear what you’d see if clinked a link labelled ‘puffy nipples’… use your head.

    Oh, and since when is the vice president the fourth arm of the government? what a fucking nutcase.

  9. Regardless of whatever draws die-hards to DrunkCyclist, there will always be people who focus on effluvia like porn ads. While I have only recently become a fan, I don’t remember there being any sort of wistful recollections of trips to the TJ Donkey Show on DrunkCyclist, nor do I remember seeing any reviews of Rocco Siffredi’s cinematic escapades. Only a knuckle-dragging moron would look at DrunkCyclist and focus on just porn.

    If it’s “safer” to look at DrunkCyclist at work, or at school, or anywhere else some pissant cry-baby happens to be, then HOO-FUCKING-RAY for them. There’s the old tenet to be mindful not to confuse the message for the medium. DrunkCyclist should be judged upon its merits as a whole. I am trying my damnedest to be as vegetarian (and vegan) as possible. Should I be offended by Big Jonny’s barbeque reports? I could easily be as pissed off about that as some simple bitch would be about an advertisment for a fuckbuddy website.

    And Chad, as for your comment about “finding political banter and funny stories elsewhere,” I have NEVER seen a website that cares as much about so many different topics as DrunkCyclist. This website is loaded with passion, insight, humor, and more journalistic integrity than a shitload of traditional news outlets.

  10. One point: The phrase “selling out” implies doing something just for the money.

    When I 86’d the porn, I lost money.

    So how is this selling out?

  11. Big Jonny, It ain’t selling out one bit. You did what you had to do to make DrunkCyclist work, and it works well. I always thought that the porn ads stuck out a wee bit. I suppose I could understand a tenuous link between cycling/fitness/ecology/politics/jackassery and porn, but then again, I don’t think anybody who regularly visits DrunkCyclist wants to have some pompous jagoff noob equate cycling with porn. Don’t think it could happen? Every time some punk ass bitch goes on a school shooting rampage, the yellow press (Nancy Grace, I’m looking at you, you truckstop whore) is painfully quick to blame violent video games. Now I love games like “Doom,” “Halo,” and “Metal Gear Solid,” but if I have any difficulty getting my hands on “Halo 3″ because of some inbred troglodyte, I will be one pissed off Korean.

    And realistically, if you’re having difficulty finding porn today, you are one sad motherfucker. Even though she’s long been retired, you can still find some of Traci Lords’ “early” work. And no, I’m not saying where or how.

    Brothers and Sisters, can I get an AMEN to DrunkCyclist?

  12. Uhh…thanks for reiterating what at least a dozen other people have already said Seoul. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would equate cycling with porn. The vast majority of people that frequent this site are cyclists. We know that cycling does not = porn. And what are you saying? That some right wing nut case is going to start a movement ban cycling in America because he/she feels that we are all a bunch of porn mongering freaks? A lot of us just like the “option”. Because that’s what it is..an option. Don’t like? Don’t look. I like the added element of porn (for obvious reasons) because a long with Jonny’s political perspective, sarcasm and email posts from arguably insane individuals its what sets this site aside from all the other cycling related blogs out there. I’ve hit pretty much every other blog I can find and I’ll have a quick look and head straight back here. So, I guess it would be nice to get the old DC back but things evolve, Jonny has an agenda and it’s his site.

  13. Evil_Bumpkin, you’re missing the point I was trying to raise about pinheads coming to an unfair conclusion about DrunkCyclist. Having something with any degree of social stigma only gives those pinheads more ammunition to come to whatever false preconceived conclusions they find convenient. You know that cycling does not equate porn, and I know that cycling does not equate porn, but all it will take is some asshole with a chip on their shoulder about porn to write off DrunkCyclist as cultural detritus or worse because of porn.

    These are the same people that are going to see the ongoing doping scandals in cycling as pandemic not just to competitive cycling, but much farther. Doping in sports is not new, but with cycling, baseball (Jason Giambi – I’m looking at you, ya stronzo), and Mixed Martial Arts, the onus of correcting misperceptions is unfairly placed on people who have been individuals of unimpeachable repute. I wouldn’t presume to say that this was part of the decision to remove the porn ads, but I have to say that I like the overall layout and feel for DrunkCyclist a lot more now than before.

    And you’re right, Evil_Bumpkin – it is a matter of choice. We have to respect the decisions to change DrunkCyclist, and to paraphrase “Con Air” (yeah, I liked that crap movie – so what?), it’s his barbeque and it smells good. Getting to a fuckbuddy site or a porn site is not all that tough. The option is still there. You just have to open another browser window and type in the address.

    For whatever reasons, we’ve gravitated towards DrunkCyclist. We may have similar motives, but there are a huge number of reasons why we come here. I am not a cyclist. I haven’t been on a bike since the Carter Administration. I have had grea admiration for cyclists like Greg Lemond and Lance Armstrong, but I am a die-hard inline skater, and I have quickly gravitated to DrunkCyclist because it is like home. The best way I could describe DrunkCyclist to “civilians,” is that if Bill Hicks, Lewis Black, Dennis Leary, Henry Rollins, and Lenny Bruce were gearheads, they would be proud to tip back a few pints with y’all.

  14. LOL…ok, ok…sounds like we are on the same page about Con Air anyway…I also loved that show! And I do see your point about “preconceived conclusions” as well but the old DC didn’t care about that…which I readily identified with because I follow the same philosphy. I guess I liked the “bad ass” DC…the place where you could get down and dirty..somehow it seems more “clean” here. But ye…Jonny’s the man and shit..I’m still hangin’ around so it can’t be that bad right?!

  15. Get this, I am getting married in a few days. I got a video iPod for the trip and yes, I put some porn on it. Gets better…. I put it on for my wife to be, not that I object in any way but I made the effort to make her happy. Talk about marrying the right girl. And when I showed her, I bet you can figure out what happened next…..