I wrote this letter to the editor of The Independent Weekly, NC’s freedom-fighting dirty laundry mag. Same shit, different city. I got pissed when they told me the best steak in the Triangle is at Outback. That was just the beginning.
I’m packing up my bags and getting the heck out of here. I have been dumped by my favorite independent weekly publication. She hid little messages within the coveted Best of the Triangle Awards Special Pull-out section. Messages telling me that she had moved on, found a new group of friends, and cashed in. So I think I’ll do the same.
All banal metaphor aside, I feel I should lay it down straight for you. I’m so sad, sick, and bogged by some of the winners of this year’s Best Uf The Triangle, or for future reference in this letter, BUTT. I never would have expected to see so many NON-independent, corporate, commerce-crushing, boring, American billboard owning Monsters show up as winners. I mean, doesn’t the Triangle have the most coffee per-capita this side of the Prime Meridian? And the people have spoken? And you’re also telling me that my neighbors’ idea of the Best Steak must in some way involve a Bloomin’ Onion? Ridiculous. As for the best LOCAL bookstore, the fine citizens of Dementia have selected something over there at The Streets of The War on Iraq. Tell me please, where within 300 rows of Parking Zone Z can I pick up a copy of your fine publication? I’d like to find the best LOCAL hardware store. All Aces, man. I mean all 50 of them. I’ll give you that one, since with so many Aces around, one of them is bound to be close to your McHouse, which I assume is what you mean by LOCAL. My run-on sentences are surpassed only by my run-on irritation. Do you think that any of those dudes will even put your sticker in their windows, or would Regional frown on that?
So the Triangle Advocates For Casual Friday Society obviously hijacked all the ballots. I can handle that. What I am failing to understand is how the Independent Weekly became another CitySearch city guide for dum-dums. I call for a re-vote. Can there be some guidelines to this selection process? If you asked me what the sum of two and two is, and I said “Apples”, I don’t think you’d really let me have the points for that one. I’m placing some of the responsibility on you guys for these dismal BUTT awards.
I also want to highlight the hypocrisy of this issue by pointing out your centerfold feature. The Spark Con. An event coordinated to celebrate the creative spirit of so many Triangleons. Entrepreneurship, Art, Independence. Good for you. Fits well with the interests of our neighbors.