My man Response got deported from Canada.
So I was attracted to Vancouver BC cause of the bicycle culture, numerous trails and natural beauty. So I went on pricefuck or expediot.com and bought me and my slanty a week long Vancouver vacation package complete with cushy flights and a super swank hotel suite with a rockstar view. We planned on renting bikes from Denman and hitting some coffee shops. So I brought tools and a bike lock to boot. Things were all smooth till we got to the Canadian immigration desk.
A little asian guy in a bullet proof vest asks “So why are you here and how long are you staying.”
Me “I am here for a week to ride bikes and relax at the Metro Hilton.”
Him “You ever been arrested before?”
Me “Yeah once, a long time ago.”
Him “What for?”
Him “Wait here.”
It is now going on 12:30 a.m. and I am tired. So for the next two we hours waited. We amused ourselves by watching a South American puta lie to an immigration officer about her ability to speak English and everything else for that matter.
Agent “Why are you visiting Canada? Are you a student, on vacation? Do you have friends here. Do you have a ride?”
Her “No, no no, si si si, como?”
Agent “Ok”, then he stamps her papers 3 times and sends her on her skanky way.
I look at my slanty with a raised eyebrow. “Did you notice that he did not axe the puta about her obvious (and blossoming) criminal past?”
After that, we begin to watch EVERY transaction very closely. Just like I thought! Only AMERICANS are being asked the criminal question. My asian boy in armor comes back from behind the two way miorror office and says “You’re inadmissible to Canada. You see, in Canada we don’t accept CRIMINALS”.
So I says “Listen man, I paid my dues and I am forgiven by the state, plus that was like 7 years ago”.
Armor boy says “I am going to release you into your slanty’s custody, report back here tomorrow, Sunday, at 11:20 for review and a 14:30 deportation flight. Oh and BTW, If you no show we will hunt you and arrest you.”
DEPORTATION!!!!! My fucking head is reeling. Armor boy hangs onto my passport, stuffs a stack of papers in my hands and invites me to leave. We get to the hotel at 3:00 a.m. and I am frantically scouring the web on an underpowered PDA, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened to me. Apparently after the 01 NYC fiasco, Canada has linked up to the USA criminal data base and are using it to screen out dangerous criminals i.e. anyone who has been arrested for anything. You hear that Georgie? The really fucked up part about it is, I was able to confirm that Canadians ONLY SCREEN AMERICANS like criminals!
So next day, less than 16 hours since we had arrived, we were being escorted onto a jet headed back to LA.
Ironically, no one asked anyone from any country about any criminal past as we entered the USA.
FUCK!! I am out my fucking money, my vacation and a lot of cool riding.
However, I can now brag that I have been deported.
VIVA LA MIGRA!