Deported

My man Response got deported from Canada.

Really.

From: response
So I was attracted to Vancouver BC cause of the bicycle culture, numerous trails and natural beauty. So I went on pricefuck or expediot.com and bought me and my slanty a week long Vancouver vacation package complete with cushy flights and a super swank hotel suite with a rockstar view. We planned on renting bikes from Denman and hitting some coffee shops. So I brought tools and a bike lock to boot. Things were all smooth till we got to the Canadian immigration desk.

A little asian guy in a bullet proof vest asks “So why are you here and how long are you staying.”

Me “I am here for a week to ride bikes and relax at the Metro Hilton.”

Him “You ever been arrested before?”

Me “Yeah once, a long time ago.”

Him “What for?”

Me “DUI.”

Him “Wait here.”

It is now going on 12:30 a.m. and I am tired. So for the next two we hours waited. We amused ourselves by watching a South American puta lie to an immigration officer about her ability to speak English and everything else for that matter.

Agent “Why are you visiting Canada? Are you a student, on vacation? Do you have friends here. Do you have a ride?”

Her “No, no no, si si si, como?”

Agent “Ok”, then he stamps her papers 3 times and sends her on her skanky way.

I look at my slanty with a raised eyebrow. “Did you notice that he did not axe the puta about her obvious (and blossoming) criminal past?”

After that, we begin to watch EVERY transaction very closely. Just like I thought! Only AMERICANS are being asked the criminal question. My asian boy in armor comes back from behind the two way miorror office and says “You’re inadmissible to Canada. You see, in Canada we don’t accept CRIMINALS”.

So I says “Listen man, I paid my dues and I am forgiven by the state, plus that was like 7 years ago”.

Armor boy says “I am going to release you into your slanty’s custody, report back here tomorrow, Sunday, at 11:20 for review and a 14:30 deportation flight. Oh and BTW, If you no show we will hunt you and arrest you.”

DEPORTATION!!!!! My fucking head is reeling. Armor boy hangs onto my passport, stuffs a stack of papers in my hands and invites me to leave. We get to the hotel at 3:00 a.m. and I am frantically scouring the web on an underpowered PDA, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened to me. Apparently after the 01 NYC fiasco, Canada has linked up to the USA criminal data base and are using it to screen out dangerous criminals i.e. anyone who has been arrested for anything. You hear that Georgie? The really fucked up part about it is, I was able to confirm that Canadians ONLY SCREEN AMERICANS like criminals!

So next day, less than 16 hours since we had arrived, we were being escorted onto a jet headed back to LA.

Ironically, no one asked anyone from any country about any criminal past as we entered the USA.

FUCK!! I am out my fucking money, my vacation and a lot of cool riding.

However, I can now brag that I have been deported.

VIVA LA MIGRA!

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

15 thoughts on “Deported

  1. We got rolled by these guys at a small border crossing in central B.C. No shit, they had a record of a guy in the car getting popped for using a forged ski pass about ten years previously. Assholes.

  2. I don’t know if I’d really feel safe in any country that would grant me admission.

  3. I don’t hold it against our fur-trapping lumberjack neighbors to the north to stick it to Bush with their border politics, but really – what does a province full of stoner’s care about a DUI record? Maybe you should have told them you were arrested for protesting medical pot policies at a Bush convention. Then they would have let you in and given you some free BCBud. You know – kind of like how the casinos in Vegas give you a free stack of chips to get you started.

  4. Well the US border guards aren’t exactly welcoming foreigners with flowers and chocolates.

  5. From the article on Winne Mandela

    [blockquote]The 73-year-old Madikizela-Mandela, who rose to heroine status as a fearsome opponent of South Africa’s apartheid regime, became a controversial figure because of her 1991 conviction in the death of a 14-year-old activist.[/blockquote]

    So Murderers as well??? Jeez, talk about high excpectations. If every drunk and murderer is kept out of Canada, they will only have Bob and Doug left. No, wait. They would be exiled for their escapades.

  6. Doesn’t it say somewhere in the travel literature you get with your plane ticket that you shouldn’t attempt to travel across the border if you have a criminal record?

    Lying to the man??…don’t work. I handed the last rat faced US border guard I dealt with my ID…he punched it into his computer and started asking me if I’d been arrested in all these places in Europe that I’ve never been to. Big Brother is out there man…he knows all and sundry.

  7. I got this one via email:

    There was an article recently about this in the SF Chronicle.
    Folks are scheduling ski vacations, fishing/hunting trips… then the border agent searches the new(Post 9/11) access to their criminal history data base and offenses going back to even the 1970′s are being used as reason to turn people away. One guy was busted smoking a joint in 1972 and couldn’t get it.
    I thought it’d start affecting the $ coming in…looks like it has.
    http://www.chroniclejournal.com/stories.php?id=45941

  8. WOW

    I was up in Canada in 2002, and I never got deported, despite being busted for DUI in 1999…however, I ended up with probation, which was waived and the ruling that he agreed to remain silent on the disposition(which means the case was sealed)

  9. Weird. I got busted for weed a few years ago and they made me sweat at the border in the Vancouver airport, but eventually let me in. After searching everything in my possession of course.