Chris Zito

I first heard about Chris Zito when I got emails regarding him being the victim of a hit & run on his bicycle. Since I was on the losing end of a hit & run by a drunk driver last August, I read the email with dread. The guy who hit me was caught and sentenced to five years. I don’t know if they ever found the person that hit Chris Zito.

You can see a video about his incident here: wcco.com/video.

Fractured lumbar vertebrae and body brace for three months? Sounds like my life last fall. Good luck to you, Chris.


24 Hours of Afton, Team Skidmark, one bike, one speed & one dress.

What is your name?
Chris Zito

What do you like to be called?
Zito. In some cases Daddy Oh Daddy.

How were you introduced to cycling?
Started messin, in Milwaukee, learned on my own, sorta, a lot of early bike info from Tommy Porter and Bike Jesus (noe bike Hayes-oos) when they were both back at Rainbow Jersey.

How did you first hear about drunkcyclist.com?
Some drunk cyclist, Andy Miller I think.

Do you read drunkcyclist.com?
Occasionally, I sometimes find it intimidating.

How does it feel to be interviewed on drunkcyclist.com?
A true honor, the vicodin helps.

Where do you work and for whom?
I am a concierge third shift at a swank condo complex in Minneapolis, where I hand out guest parking passes, watch the security cameras in the pool and gym, play cribbage on-line, and fill out interviews.

How did you get involved in that?
Got voted off of the Island, after a cupla a years of telling people how stupid and lazy they are.

Do you like it?
Would hope someday to be back in the industry maybe something along the lines of a e-zine or something, I have a lot to say, although that doesn’t mean anyone wants to hear it.

Do you like watching porn?
Oh yeah, I do that at work too!

Who is your favorite porn star?
Minneapolis’s & QBP’s own Trevor Clayton

Where were you born?
Milwaukee or as Trevor dubbed it on his last visit, to the Fat Tire Tour, Mil-Stumbly.

How ‘bout raised? Same place or somewhere different?
I’ve never really grown up.

Are you Conservative or Liberal?
I’ve got a lot of opinions.

Mother fuck George Bush, or thank god he’s our President?
Ass rape the crooked bitch.

Iraq War: Good idea or fucking huge mistake?
It would be cool if they all had Pugsleys, otherwise too many kids dyin for oil.

Coffee or tea?
Coffee, half light roast/half dark roast.

Do you drink alcohol? What’s your poison?
Yes. Although, not since I got the body brace.
Pabst, Miller High Life, Jameson.

Do drugs?
I’ve been known to ‘Take the Pot ‘in the past.

Ever had a problem with either?
Hell yeah, remember that ‘Just Say No’ summer, you couldn’t get shit nowhere, we did a lot of acid that year.

Atheist or true believer?
I find it hard to believe, but somebody has been handing me extra lives for the last 10 years or so.

What religion were you raised?
Catholic, my ma got suckered into that Opus Dei crap in the early 80s. So I had it rammed down my throat, conservative Catholicism, that is,. I never saw any shit around Opus Dei like the DaVinci Code shit.

Career highlight?
Getting voted off Q’s Island it was sort of a relief. Too much poor management where I was, It was making me really unhappy and disgruntled

Career lowlight?
Getting voted off Q’s Island, there are a lot of really solid people there, that I miss seeing every day. Stupor Bowls 5 & 10.

Do you have a significant other?
You’re going to have to ask her.

Any siblings?
Two Bros, Two sis’s

Do you get along with your parents?
When I’m not around them. But there’s love there, I mean they invite me home for the holidays, and let me and my friends crash at the house when I’m in town, well at least until Trevor walked into their bedroom at 4 am in a drunken stupor, in his bikini undies and child molester mustache.

What was your childhood like?
4th of 5 kids, may as well have been locked under the cellar stairs. Or shipped off to Punxsutawney, with Nana Zito

Did you fucking hate high school?
I was too stoned to hate, then there was the military academy.

Did you go to your high school reunion?
No.

Who pisses you off, and why?
Steve Flagg. Because he had a really super awesome thing going, but is letting it rot and fester away, allowing a lot of good people to be forced out or forcing them to run from the nepotistic, control freak cuz I’m afraid of what people may think of my sexual preference, therefore I’m on the offensive to the outspoken, bullshit politics.

Who do you want to meet?
Steve Flagg, for a beer and a ride and a beer.

What music do you listen to?
Everything, cept that she took my truck and shot my dog’ country crap.

What do you read? Books? Magazines? Newspapers?
Books.

What movies do you like?
Spaghetti Westerns, you now that Serge Leone stuff. Waah Wahh Waah.

Do you watch television?
Yes.

What shows to you like?
Jeopardy, Cops and them funny videos. They make me laugh and forget how much life sucks.

Do you watch sports?
Yes, hockey, football, definitely interested in pro cycling, even though I don’t know shit about it.

Which teams?
The Green Bay Packers, MN Wild.

Do you drive much?
Not unless I’m in a body brace and sling.

What do you drive and why?
Nates K-car, cuz he’s the only one that gave me a car while I’m laid up.

Where do you want to be in five years?
Minneapolis, it has the best bike culture I’ve found so far.

How ‘bout in ten years?
Everywhere else.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My tone of voice.

And why?
People always think I’m angry when I’m just loud and obnoxious.

Any final thoughts or words?
Rubber side down! And if you are the fucker that pasted me in your SUV and ran away, may your first-born be skull fucked by prison inmates, while I take out your vertebrae one by one with a ball-peen hammer.

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About big jonny

The man, the legend. The guy who started it all back in the Year of Our Lord Beer, 2000, with a couple of pages worth of idiotic ranting hardcoded on some random porn site that would host anything you uploaded, a book called HTML for Dummies (which was completely appropriate), a bad attitude (which hasn’t much changed), and a Dell desktop running Win95 with 64 mgs of ram and a six gig hard drive. Those were the days. Then he went to law school. Go figure. Flagstaff, Arizona, USA

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